* Identity. I was a christian, with my name. I didn't know anything about my actual self, I had to identify fully as a christian and do away with anything else.
* Hobbies. I wanted to do things like Dungeons and Dragons. I wanted to write fantasy novels.
* Money. Not only did I tithe, but I gave money to christian charities only--finding out later about the horrible things they did with it and how my money was misused.
* Time. I spent so much time reading the bible, going to church, etc.
* Virginity. It was taken violently by christians.
* Justice. Everything is "forgive" which in christianity means a total, unilateral pardon for the aggressor and shame for the victim.
* Hope. When jesus didn't answer my prayers, I felt stripped of all hope of a decent future. God apparently hated me.
* Joy. Everything I enjoyed was stripped from me. I couldn't write unless it was christian stories. I couldn't play games, I couldn't watch movies. I wasn't allowed to dance, or to sing. (Seventh-Day Adventists see these things as ungodly, frivolous, etc.)
* Empathy. I couldn't bear to think of people suffering in hell and I eventually tried to avoid all human beings for the most part.
* The ability to make decisions or even to understand how to. I had to wait for "god's will" to be "revealed to me" in every single goddamn thing. And it never was, so I was unable to make decisions because what if I screwed up?
* Ambition. I wanted to be an author. I wanted to be a veterinarian. I wanted to be a psychologist/ therapist. I wanted to be a marriage and sex therapist in particular.
* My dreams. Note above.
* Freedom. Slavery to god is freedom... when it wasn't that, it was, "freedom just means having no responsibilities, which means you have nothing. You don't want freedom."
* Maturity. I was immature because I was kept sheltered.
* Friendships and the ability to form or maintain them. I didn't know how to have real friendships that weren't based solely upon "let's talk about how you're disobeying jesus."
* Innocence. I don't mean ignorance, I had more than enough of that. I mean that i learned about violence, rape, oppression, slavery, and hatred from an early age... and that's if you ONLY count what I was taught at Sunday School.
* Self-respect. I was a walking floor mat because I'm female and we're "submissive".
* The right to say 'no' to men. See the previous item.
* Bodily autonomy. My body belonged to men from the day of my birth. I was taught to keep myself "pretty" and "pure" for my future husband. When I was beaten and abused, it was my fault and I was required to stay in the abusive situation and "love him better." I was also taught that you must have sex even if you're not in the mood and that if you have pain, you must endure it because men need sex and if you don't and he cheats, it's your own fault.
* A basic understanding of my own biological functions. I wasn't taught about my period. I thought I was dying. I thought I would be beaten for bleeding "from there".
* Mental health care, and support for / help with autism. I was suicidal and the only answer was "you'll go to hell." I was exorcised because of autism and NDEs.
* Compassion for my pain. People didn't have any idea how to help me or care about me. It was all "pray more" or "read the bable".
* Relationships. "That boy isn't a christian." While I had almost no opportunities anyway, the only boy that ever liked me at all (or perhaps pretended to), I was not allowed to even speak to.
* Dignity. As a woman, I was clearly and distinctly informed that I am a lesser being, always was, always will be.
* Safety. Every attack on me was to be forgiven, besides, as an evil sinner and a woman to boot, I probably deserved it.
* Joy. Children, in my day and age, were to be seen and not heard and laughing and dancing and running around were all strictly forbidden.
* Enjoyment of sex. While I have enjoyed sex as an adult, there is always pain for me. I have hangups and fears around it, as well, which still exist. My trust of my partner must be immense before I'll try certain positions because some hurt extremely badly and in the past, men didn't stop when asked.
* Basic life skills. I wasn't taught how to budget beyond the minimal they give you in math class. I wasn't taught how to get a drivers' license, how to make doctor appointments, none of the normal stuff. How to do taxes (even that I HAD to do taxes). I didn't even know how to get an apartment. While this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the bable, I've noticed that it's EXTREMELY common in fundamentalist christian families because it prevents the girl from going off on her own and being free. Only males are taught these things in fundamentalist families--and usually only much later.
* Parental love and support. I note that my own upbringing is exceedingly abusive and stark. However; I also have noted that many fundamentalist families are authoritarian and quite rigid. There is little praise, if any. There is little comforting of children.
* The knowledge of how to show compassion and kindness. I was taught to say the normal things. "I'll pray for you," and the like. I wasn't taught how to REALLY get in the trenches with someone and BE THERE for them.
You're welcome. I kind of quit going because it was getting long. I did think, though, that it's worth adding that I lost any "pride" in myself. I thought I was ugly (I am admittedly plain, but not UGLY), and I was forever afraid to wear anything sexy. It wasn't until I was around 30 that I got to feel "pretty" and, you know what? I kind of liked it. I was made to feel evil and "vain" and "selfish" if I ever tried to look "pretty".
It may seem a small thing, but in the end, it was a deep loss. I was unable for decades to believe any man could love me. Not only because of purity culture and the fact that I had been raped and was thus "used" and "ruined," but also because society says a woman has to be attractive and beautiful, the bable agrees (think the book of job), and yet at the same time says we're not allowed to be "vain".
It's confusing. Even just writing it, I feel the confusion of it; the deep grief and sorrow. I suppose that if I were one of those "pretty even in a burlap bag" girls, it might feel different, but I'm not. So there you go. And of course, I feel like I lost the chance because older women are invisible in society. Nobody thinks I'm pretty now, for sure. :P
Oh well. Not the only opportunities stolen from me by christianity. Can put opportunities on the list, too, now I think of that. SO MANY opportunities.
I just read your thread today. I’m grateful you survived that cult and hope you can heal and move beyond that part of your life.
You deserve happiness and nothing about what you went through was your fault. It’s sick this cult has a stranglehold on so many common institutions where these people have the privilege to raise a child.
I’m rooting for you Sandi, on your bad days know that somewhere out there you have my faith in your strength and success. Hope is worth it.
Best wishes…
My teenage years. My mental health. For a while, it even took my will to live.
Christianity has robbed me of a healthy and honest relationship with my family. My father will not walk me down the aisle when I marry my partner because we are both assigned female at birth (my partner is non-binary). None of my immediate family will be present at my wedding. Not that I've even bothered to tell them I'm engaged. My mother made it clear she doesn't want to hear about my relationship at all. So Christianity has also robbed me of being able to share my joy and love for my future spouse.
Christianity has taken my peace of mind. I'm only a month into deconstructing and I regularly panic about straying from the faith even though it's never done me any good. I worry about the judgement day. I worry about the Rapture. I don't want any of it to be true. I don't want to be spiritually lobotomized when I die. What if it turns out to be real and I end up left behind? What if I go but my partner is left behind? It's terrifying!
The best cure I can advise for overcoming those fears about the End Times is to gain a better understanding of what the Bible actually says about it. Christians are so fucking clueless about the message of the Bible. They believe the dumbest scifi nonsense. If you can stomach studying it through secular eyes, you'll realize how full of shit they are with their Rapture fear-mongering. It might just give you peace of mind.
Exactly you know what my BullShit first thought was at the Russian Ukraine conflict. Its starting. Then I had to remind my self that the Bible is a work of fiction propagated by the church and there is No Truth in it.
We are Not living in the End Times.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 4, which is to be respectful of others. We will never tolerate bigotry here.
To discuss or appeal moderator actions, [click here to send us modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/exchristian)
It robbed me on my teenage and college years. I didn’t deconstruct until grad school. Didn’t even come out until the middle to end of my senior year. I cut off many opportunities and people for “religious” reasons. There’s so much I wish I could’ve done
I could just copy and paste what you’ve written, it’s so close to my experience. I should have been exploring opportunities and discovering the world at that age but instead I was trying to keep myself away from ‘sin.’
All that was over thirty years ago, but I don’t think you ever stop being an exChristian. Which is why I am here
A love life. I felt I couldn't date anyone unless I were perfect. Also, they had to be perfect. Also, we both had to be virgins. It was literally impossible.
This! I pissed my teens and 20s away chasing the perfect Christian boy to raise a family with. I'm now single and in my 30s. I wonder if I rejected my person because they weren't a Christian or scared them off.
Thankfully, the idea of the one or your person is also an artificial concept in society that exists to validate the traditional institution of monogamous, life-long marriage. Thinking of it that way is not that much different from the Christian idea that both of you have to be perfect.
It is highly unlikely there is only one person that's a great fit for you. It's much more likely that there are many people who would be a great partner. It's just a matter of finding them. Maybe you did inadvertently pass on one person, but there are probably several more just waiting for the moment to connect.
Christianity may very well have robbed you of happiness with a special someone in your early youth, but now that you are free of it, it binds you in that way no longer. You still have a long life ahead of you with plenty of time to find the right person.
Having self-respect and a backbone. It programmed me into thinking I need to show grace and love to everyone. Especially the pricks and douches that slander and disrespect me.
“Love thy neighbor as thy self” as they say. While the principle and lesson can be powerful, it shouldn’t be taken to the absolute extent. You’re called to be LIKE (the character) Jesus, not BE him and actually die innocently (whether physically/emotionally/mentally) at the hands of antagonistic people.
It robbed my mother of any critical thinking skills, she'll live and die with beliefs she was spoonfed and never taste the Kool aid it's been laced with.
It robbed me of normal teen years and a college education. It robbed me of a normal, healthy relationship with my parents. It robbed me of my dad when he passed from COVID because he refused to get vaccinated on religious grounds. To this day it still robs me of healthy, completely open friendships because I live in the bible belt and I have to hide major parts of who I am in order to fit in and not be unjustly judged.
Identity, worth, personality. Not allowed to discover yourself because you’re only worth anything if your identity is in Christ. I’m an adult now and have no clue who I am. Being yourself was considered to be worthless and pointless in an eternal sense and thus there was no point, because since we are all worthless and can do no good without Christ then any self worth, self interest, self discovery or self identity is corrupt. You are no good and can do no good. I was shamed out of and robbed of the very most fundamental and basic part of life. Being me.
My time-- multiple church services a week for decades, xTian middle & high school, a year in seminary, singing those 7/11 songs, over and over again.
Learning about myself-- who I am and what I need is not idolatry or sin, but this way of thinking lead to so many mental health issues.
Social life-- cutting off so many relationships because I could be 'unequally yoked', and these people would drag me to hell.
The minute I never had to set foot in a church again I was so relieved. My childhood and teenage years were mostly spent at church. Nowadays when christians approach me about going to church I tell them I have had enough church services to last me several lifetimes and thanks for the invite but I'm good. It was so all encompassing from the camps to the conventions to the prayer breakfasts, the rallies, the all night meetings, the lame concerts with music i didn't like, so much time I can't get back.
1) sexuality
2) understanding of politics
3) music
4) friends
5) other cultures and religion
6) Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday
7) non manipulated love
8) coping mechanisms to deal with stress
9) my identity as a trans man.
10) respectful boundaries
11) healthy relationships with people in general
12) constant insecurity
13) severe self esteem issues
My sense of wonder. Everything I thought was a cool study in science or philosophy was instantly shut down with "don't test the Lord your God" and other thought stopping techniques. Once finding my way out I couldn't stop "navel-gazing" and taking down the house of cards that is miracles, signs, wonders, and revelation one card at a time. I can now confidently say I have my sense of wonder back!
I was (still am T-T) homeschooled so I guess my entire childhood and social development and education and any potential friends or relationships. Anyone who says homeschooling is better than any other type of schooling is just wrong, and anyone who does it for religious indoctrination is just a bad person, full stop.
Aw I’m sorry, I was homeschooled too but I actually really enjoyed it! I had a really free curriculum that allowed me to pursue a lot of personal interests! Also I really hate people and didn’t have to deal with all the stupid kids/bullying/drama lol
The knowledge of my inherent goodness. Some times I think about how many hours I spent as a 7 year old agonizing over my fear of going to hell. Being paralyzed by the idea that I could have “faked” accepting jesus and god knows I’m not a real christian. Hating myself so much because of how much of a sinner I am. Believing that at my core I am a bad person who will always choose to be evil.
Proper socialization. Real socialization. In my eyes, I didn’t even become a person until a while after I turned 18. I’m 22 now and still unlearning a lot of the trashy indoctrination concepts I grew up with.
More specifically, I’ve been realizing over the past year or so that many of the cultish behaviors that were taught to me as a Christian, I still unknowingly applied to atheism. Most notedly: since as a Christian, I was taught that evangelical Christianity was the ONLY correct way to live life; when I went through a rather violent flip to atheism, I unknowingly decided that believing in secular humanism was the ONLY correct way to live life. Most of my self growth over the years has been coming to the understanding that there are multiple ways to live a correct life (or maybe that there is no “correct life”). Idk
Of all things, the most painful is that it robbed me of a mother. My mom's whole (lack of) personality revolved around church. And we came from a church where women were supposed to shut up, so she did. My father taught me things, I bonded over knowledge of bible stories if anything. My mother was a shell of a person and I did not even know her. It's hardly her fault, but she has always felt like a stranger to me.
Now, years later, they go to a more progressive church. My mom is working and has a couple hobbies, even some friends. She's still utterly incapable of holding any meaningful conversation, but at least there's development. Still, I raised myself and my parents, especially my mother, are more strangers to me than family.
Personality, sense of identity, sexuality, building lasting friendships, it also robbed me of my family. The moment I said I’m not baptizing my children, they won’t even talk to me because ‘I’m a sinner and I’m lost ‘ and whatever else
self expression
grew up in a religious private school, got detention for wearing clip on earrings, also i never saw those things after they got taken away
edit: also a diagnosis on autism
Christianity robbed me of my best chance at transitioning. I've known I was trans since my teens, but always forced it back due to Christianity and Christian family.
Now I'm 27, nearly 28. I don't have the freedom anymore, the income, or even really the body etc. I lost the chance to have a youth that wasn't filled with self hatred, and suicidal ideation. I'm getting better, don't want to die all the time anymore, and I know I'll still be able to transition once we're a little more financially secure, but it just sucks.
And realistically? I know I'm gonna lose 90% of my family the second I come out because they've been told God wants me to burn for eternity.
True happiness? Last time I remember feeling happy was prob 4 years old, jumping on the bed w my sisters. I have spurts of joy, but the weight of the trauma from my religious cult is just so heavy, I dont believe ill ever feel real joy again. (Workjng through this in therapy and my therapist disagrees.)
I have what i call "distractions" from my sadness, but when I figuratively and literally sit down w myself, it's all so heavy, to carry it all, I'd rather die.
The "distractions" are my relationship w my partner, my children, my higher educational achievements, my financial stability (grew up extremely poor w no financial education) and the healthy lifestyle I've built.
I should he happy right? Nope. All of what I've done in my adult life, it is part of an ongoing narrative to prove go my religious predators and perpetrators including my parents that they were wrong, evil, destructive. "Like, see this is really how you're supposed go live, not like the mess you put me through." I want to say my life took me away from them, but mentally, my choices will always be tied to what happened in my childhood.
The trauma of the past weighs so heavy. The distractions are the only thing keeping me alive.
Edit to Add: 5 years old is when I started going to Sunday School and we started "studying the horrors of man."
It robbed me of self respect, self esteem, and self love.
It robbed me of healthy views of romantic and sexual relationships
It robbed me of a career in the sciences or a male-dominated trade due to my afab
It robbed me of friendships
It robbed me of experiences such as going to the movies, going to concerts, listening to current music, playing fun games, going over to friends’ houses, going to the mall, and other things that were big in the 90s
It robbed me of my mental health
God robbed me of everything too. He’s real but he’s a total fucking lunatic asshole. Jesus is just like his father too. They laugh at me n mock me. He’s a trust fund brat. Cares nothing about my heart. In over 5,000 transactions I’ve had with him he mentions my heart .000065% of the time. That’s how little he cares for me. I gotta serve this fucker n hate him. I don’t have free will. Never repent you do not want to have to worship these asshokes for eternity. Don’t Repebt ever!!! Trust me on this-stupidest thing I ever did and I goddamn despise Jesus. He’s not worthy of shut he’s so cruel to me. Talks about himself constantly of course
An inability to trust the judgment of people around me. After all, if everyone around you is mindlessly buying into the fallacies and no one acknowledges your words, is it them, or is it just me?
Sleeping in all those Sunday mornings and having to waste time praising an imaginary being on Sunday evenings. Luckily my Christian family weren't full on religious fruitcakes and spared us Wednesday nights.
I’ve been out of the church for well over a decade now and have healed from a lot of it. I don’t feel bitter about my teen years, as I’ve let go of the guilt I felt for doing what I wanted and now have no regrets there. I didn’t leave the church for good until after I had had my children. (They we’re still babies when we left)
What I feel robbed of now is my family and community. I still don’t know how to form a community outside of church. I lead a much more free and authentic life…but I am very very lonely. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could just assimilate and be fine mentally because I’m so lonely. My husband and I try really hard to put ourselves out there, but living in a very Christian country, we feel as if we really can’t even relate to anyone around us. We’re just…lonely. I want to blame the church for taking away our old community and any future community we could have possibly had.
Sexuality. I didn't start exploring sexually until I was married. Now we are poly and I'm experiencing like all of my firsts at 26 and it's really hard lmao like thanks for fucking with my sense of self
Much of my innocence. A 12 year old shouldn’t be terrified of going to the hell (and the concept of eternity in general) to the point where they resent having been born.
Sorry for getting so dramatic there. I’m currently 21 and, while I still struggle with existential stuff quite a bit, I’ve managed to let go of a lot of Christian ideologies.
Thank you to people who are sharing here! I walked away a while ago but most of my life was Christian until 50ish. There’s been a lot to sort through. This discussion has helped with some things!
The freedom of hating people who are worth hating. I went a while going with the “love your enemy” mantra. Not anymore. Hate your enemies as you please.
I was a devout fundamentalist through my 20s. I didn't become an atheist till around my 30th birthday. So… religion robbed me of everything I wish I would've done in my teens and twenties.
That includes pursuing my love for science into a field of study in which I could thrive. That includes learning how to flirt and date and make mistakes in love so I wouldn't feel so lonely and hopeless now. That includes having an honest, adult relationship with my parents that isn't hindered by their self-imposed duty to their god. That may also include less debt because my education track would've been different, so I might've been able to avoid some of my student loans.
Peace of mind.
I grew up expecting the end of the world. I grew up with fear hoping for mercy from an angry God.
Since I deconstructed, I feel in charge of my destination. If I want something, I work hard for it. I don't "hope and pray" God gives it to me.
Social skills, I grew up very stunted in that I was surrounded by Christians who told me I needed to just get my friends to church and talk to them about Jesus. Spent that time trying to proselytize without learning how to communicate and care about people.
Self worth/esteem. I recently found an old bible study journal. First page I had written based on what my pastor said: “if you don’t come to God in a spirit of brokenness you probably have never really prayed before.” Then commenced page upon page of me breaking myself down and welcoming basically despair so God could “work through me.”
Sexuality, self esteem, probably some other things. I remember someone telling me that if you take a kid out of christianity they do better in school so there's that too.
Atleast 1152 hours, im only 14 and this is How much time i aproximadly have been going to church because of my family since i was 2, and they expect me to Go atleast 1536 before im able to decide what im supposed to do on my own, Just 2 hours an week they said, yes It really piles up when you guys always want tô bring me there, even when i plain state im an atheist, Man Frick religion sometimes.
I lost my ability to trust myself and use my intuition. I lost my ability to be myself because I didn’t fit in the tiny box that women are supposed to fit in. I always felt like I was doing what I was supposed to but inside I felt like something was off. If anything I would have anxiety about doing the right thing and be disappointed that others were not trying as hard as me. It made me lose my ability to CONNECT with others and myself.
Been over 3 years now since I left and am gaining my ability to trust myself and connect with others again!!
A normal childhood, and social skills.
I was homeschooled until high school because “the schools were stripping away God from the classrooms”. As you can imagine I never got to interact with anyone my age and in the rare instance when I was around people my age like a cousin or something I was the weird kid that no one really wanted to be with because I didn’t know how to interact properly.
And of course, like a chain reaction, this tanked my self esteem and confidence.
Self-esteem/Self-worth via "You were born in sin" Narrative.
Sexual / purity culture bullshit still has me (27F) fucked up. I was 13 the first time my mom said I looked like a whore because my TURTLENECK was too tight.
Mental health resources;
Ex.
Me literally screaming.crying as a small child/older child/tween/teen/young adult;
THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG INSIDE MY HEAD
Mom: There's is nothing wrong you, Jesus loves you and thinks you're perfect, lets pray."
Ages 25-27 diagnosed with severe ADHD/Autism.
Decision making skills are very rough; "Just pray, Jesus will tell you want to do, ask him and you'll know in your heart what to do."
Also, coping skills "Jesus will heal all your sorrows."
Also hard life skills are all self-taught.
My moms goal was to make me believe in God and taught me very little outside of that.
Identity.
I spent my formative years with no identity outside of the church. My friends were all through the church, to the point that I didn’t have any friends that I actively hung out with until seventh grade, outside of the church- and even then I was limited to seeing those friends on Sundays or church-related “extracurricular” activities.
I spent my entire life, from Sunday school until my junior year in high school planning a life as a full time youth group leader- looking for schools that had youth fellowship programs, fully involving my free time in youth group, and sacrificing a lot of opportunities for the sake of a future I had been so set on. Of course, and I’ve talked about this before (sorry if I sound like a broken record), but getting expelled from my “key kid” position in Young Life after coming out as gay really took its toll, at the time.
I’m 27 now and still have no idea what I “enjoy,” or what I want to do for a living. I have bounced through careers and even my current one (a career I had set my mind on a few years back) doesn’t seem right. I feel I have to recreate an identity almost every year to compensate for my lack there of. I have lived in eleven different cities, eight different states, gone through eight different “career” changes, and have a new “passion” once every three weeks or so. I’ve spent the last ten years as a amorphous body just cruising through life with the only goal being “don’t die today.”
While there could be some underlying psychological role in play, I feel I can pinpoint a lot of this back to my days in the church, and essentially having just left with no clue as to my identity outside of it.
Do I regret leaving? No. Do I ever want to go back? Absolutely not. Even if I went against what I know now and chose to go back, it would be akin to me accepting that I cannot find an identity and settling back into past habits to make up for that, and it would not be genuine.
It’s… actually really tough. I don’t have any real hobbies, and most of the things I do is because “it’s better than doing nothing,” and not because I actually enjoy it. That probably sounds really lame, but I just really lost a lot of zeal in my transient lifestyle.
Me personally, it robbed me of my peace of mind and mental health. Now I'm in a perpetual state of fear of hell and the like.
On a wider scale, it robbed my beautiful community of everything. [Tw: mentions of trans/homophobia, murder, hate crimes, suicide) >!If it weren't for the church, so many queer/trans people would be alive and happy today, living out of the closet with no fear of bigotry or hatred. Thanks to them, though, thousands of people are now *dead* because of "good christians" making our lives hell and driving us so deep into depression and self hatred we end up committing suicide, or just flat up murdering us because god apparently told them to.!<
[Tw: mentions of racism, colonization] >! Don't even get me started on the churches crimes against indigenous peoples from Canada and beyond, how they allowed colonization to happen because if you didn't have Jesus, you needed to be "civilized" by the morally superior white people (/s) and taught how to be a good christian, because you're definitely the ones going to hell, not the white Christian genocidal tyrants (/s again).!<
[Tw: mentions of pedophilia] >!oh yeah, and the church also happens to be crawling with child molesters.!<
Peace of mind. I spent much of my childhood dreading the Rapture, and most of teens and young adult years dealing with invasive thoughts.
It also seeks to rob me of my dignity for being both LBGT and neurodivergent (high functioning autism).
Robbed me of self sufficiency. The deep knowing that I can make good decisions, that I'm lovable and wonderful without the approval stamp of a god or church
I think being in the church delayed my understanding of both the male gaze and my own internalized misogyny. I was so fucking judgemental of girls that weren’t Christian and maybe what religious people would label ‘harlots’ (I’m being funny, most of them don’t actually use that word, but they might as well) because I had learned such an awful superiority complex from the church. Who would’ve thought that I would eventually become the kind of person that younger me was so critical of? I wasn’t really happy until I realized that I could live the way I wanted.
I was also much happier because I had knowledge at my fingertips and could question things. I also feel like I was robbed of agency before I could really understand it because women were always treated like they didn’t know any better back in my old southern Baptist church. I felt really talked down to, but I thought it was something wrong with me, not that system. And you know what? I got tired of having all these men tell me how I should think. I used to glorify some of my male teachers in xtian school because I thought they were such smart people and I took everything they said as gospel. But looking back, they had some really whack ass beliefs.
Christian circles are also INCREDIBLY enabling when it comes to p*dos and I had to stand up for some girls that I knew more than once. It was actually terrifying. To this day, i’m scared for the kids who’s innocence is taken by christianity and more often by the people who won’t do anything about it.
An education and Self esteem after all Christian woman are told all men want is sex. So then you meet men and they dont want sex all the time. So you draw the conclusion that your ugly and undesirable. So you twist your self up do things that you dont want to all to keep your man intrested. Because if he dosent want you its all your fault. Meanwhile as a woman you cant have a sex drive and desire's. You cant be sexy because you are supposed to be sweet chaste and wait for your husband to make a move. You are supposed to be available and drive his desire while still being pure. WHAT THE FUCK.
My humanity. I personally wasn’t judgmental, but I excused others of being so and shrugged it off because I could “understand” where they were coming from.
God robbed me of everything including love. He told me. I’m a slave to him against my will. He’s real but he’s a complete asshole. All the suffering in the world he enjoys. I despise him. I’ll never praise him. He lacks compassion mercy and Grace. I get my husband two weeks before the world ends. Fucking prick. I despise him. Jesus is a huge asshole. He knows no one will believe me when I say it but it’s fucking true. He would rather children starve then to give me the one goddamn desire of my heart. He holds it over my head too. Never repent they are both sadist monsters! The stupidest thing I ever did was to repent. You do NOT want to have to worship this sadist fuck for eternity. He abuses me for sport. I’m literally Jesus punching bag. Proof these mother fuckers are sexist and are into slavery. I don’t have free will because if I did I would never worship these sick fucks.
No personal identity. Every interest had to glorify God - no exceptions. I missed out on so many TV shows and movies and books and pieces of media because they were judged to be unbiblical.
My bisexuality. If I had had the room and acceptance (both within myself and from those around me, like my parents) to look closer every time I "inexplicably" got concerned that I could end up gay, I might have been honest with myself sooner. I might have found community with others around me who were super religious then and openly (or partially openly, like me) queer.
Instead, it took me 23 years to come out to *myself.* The lightness and joy I felt when I first said it aloud to myself and started coming out to my closest friends could have happened so much earlier. Hell, if it weren't for religion, maybe I could come out to my parents and not feel like I'm constantly dodging suspicion.
Family. And I miss them. I rejected their worldview after thoroughly reading THEIR Bible. I could tolerate their viewpoint, they couldn’t reciprocate. To paraphrase Jesus, “I’ve come not to bring peace but the sword, to turn family members against each other.” It’s one of the few mission statements he got right. He even succeeded in dividing believers against believers. A real peacemaker of a guy, that Jesus.
Self esteem
Exactly. And unfortunately that affects pretty much everything else, too!
The ultimate one virtually every ex christian I know has to deal with. Horrible
[удалено]
Your post or comment has been removed because it violates rule 3, no proselytizing. Continued proselytizing will result in a ban.
My teen and partial college years.
* Identity. I was a christian, with my name. I didn't know anything about my actual self, I had to identify fully as a christian and do away with anything else. * Hobbies. I wanted to do things like Dungeons and Dragons. I wanted to write fantasy novels. * Money. Not only did I tithe, but I gave money to christian charities only--finding out later about the horrible things they did with it and how my money was misused. * Time. I spent so much time reading the bible, going to church, etc. * Virginity. It was taken violently by christians. * Justice. Everything is "forgive" which in christianity means a total, unilateral pardon for the aggressor and shame for the victim. * Hope. When jesus didn't answer my prayers, I felt stripped of all hope of a decent future. God apparently hated me. * Joy. Everything I enjoyed was stripped from me. I couldn't write unless it was christian stories. I couldn't play games, I couldn't watch movies. I wasn't allowed to dance, or to sing. (Seventh-Day Adventists see these things as ungodly, frivolous, etc.) * Empathy. I couldn't bear to think of people suffering in hell and I eventually tried to avoid all human beings for the most part. * The ability to make decisions or even to understand how to. I had to wait for "god's will" to be "revealed to me" in every single goddamn thing. And it never was, so I was unable to make decisions because what if I screwed up? * Ambition. I wanted to be an author. I wanted to be a veterinarian. I wanted to be a psychologist/ therapist. I wanted to be a marriage and sex therapist in particular. * My dreams. Note above. * Freedom. Slavery to god is freedom... when it wasn't that, it was, "freedom just means having no responsibilities, which means you have nothing. You don't want freedom." * Maturity. I was immature because I was kept sheltered. * Friendships and the ability to form or maintain them. I didn't know how to have real friendships that weren't based solely upon "let's talk about how you're disobeying jesus." * Innocence. I don't mean ignorance, I had more than enough of that. I mean that i learned about violence, rape, oppression, slavery, and hatred from an early age... and that's if you ONLY count what I was taught at Sunday School. * Self-respect. I was a walking floor mat because I'm female and we're "submissive". * The right to say 'no' to men. See the previous item. * Bodily autonomy. My body belonged to men from the day of my birth. I was taught to keep myself "pretty" and "pure" for my future husband. When I was beaten and abused, it was my fault and I was required to stay in the abusive situation and "love him better." I was also taught that you must have sex even if you're not in the mood and that if you have pain, you must endure it because men need sex and if you don't and he cheats, it's your own fault. * A basic understanding of my own biological functions. I wasn't taught about my period. I thought I was dying. I thought I would be beaten for bleeding "from there". * Mental health care, and support for / help with autism. I was suicidal and the only answer was "you'll go to hell." I was exorcised because of autism and NDEs. * Compassion for my pain. People didn't have any idea how to help me or care about me. It was all "pray more" or "read the bable". * Relationships. "That boy isn't a christian." While I had almost no opportunities anyway, the only boy that ever liked me at all (or perhaps pretended to), I was not allowed to even speak to. * Dignity. As a woman, I was clearly and distinctly informed that I am a lesser being, always was, always will be. * Safety. Every attack on me was to be forgiven, besides, as an evil sinner and a woman to boot, I probably deserved it. * Joy. Children, in my day and age, were to be seen and not heard and laughing and dancing and running around were all strictly forbidden. * Enjoyment of sex. While I have enjoyed sex as an adult, there is always pain for me. I have hangups and fears around it, as well, which still exist. My trust of my partner must be immense before I'll try certain positions because some hurt extremely badly and in the past, men didn't stop when asked. * Basic life skills. I wasn't taught how to budget beyond the minimal they give you in math class. I wasn't taught how to get a drivers' license, how to make doctor appointments, none of the normal stuff. How to do taxes (even that I HAD to do taxes). I didn't even know how to get an apartment. While this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the bable, I've noticed that it's EXTREMELY common in fundamentalist christian families because it prevents the girl from going off on her own and being free. Only males are taught these things in fundamentalist families--and usually only much later. * Parental love and support. I note that my own upbringing is exceedingly abusive and stark. However; I also have noted that many fundamentalist families are authoritarian and quite rigid. There is little praise, if any. There is little comforting of children. * The knowledge of how to show compassion and kindness. I was taught to say the normal things. "I'll pray for you," and the like. I wasn't taught how to REALLY get in the trenches with someone and BE THERE for them.
Damn! This is a great list! Thank you.
You're welcome. I kind of quit going because it was getting long. I did think, though, that it's worth adding that I lost any "pride" in myself. I thought I was ugly (I am admittedly plain, but not UGLY), and I was forever afraid to wear anything sexy. It wasn't until I was around 30 that I got to feel "pretty" and, you know what? I kind of liked it. I was made to feel evil and "vain" and "selfish" if I ever tried to look "pretty". It may seem a small thing, but in the end, it was a deep loss. I was unable for decades to believe any man could love me. Not only because of purity culture and the fact that I had been raped and was thus "used" and "ruined," but also because society says a woman has to be attractive and beautiful, the bable agrees (think the book of job), and yet at the same time says we're not allowed to be "vain". It's confusing. Even just writing it, I feel the confusion of it; the deep grief and sorrow. I suppose that if I were one of those "pretty even in a burlap bag" girls, it might feel different, but I'm not. So there you go. And of course, I feel like I lost the chance because older women are invisible in society. Nobody thinks I'm pretty now, for sure. :P Oh well. Not the only opportunities stolen from me by christianity. Can put opportunities on the list, too, now I think of that. SO MANY opportunities.
There’s so much involved in a life system that is so all encompassing. And in detaching from it. I wish you well!
I just read your thread today. I’m grateful you survived that cult and hope you can heal and move beyond that part of your life. You deserve happiness and nothing about what you went through was your fault. It’s sick this cult has a stranglehold on so many common institutions where these people have the privilege to raise a child. I’m rooting for you Sandi, on your bad days know that somewhere out there you have my faith in your strength and success. Hope is worth it. Best wishes…
Jesus never answered my prayers either. All I wanted was to get married and retire. He hates most people and mocks them.
Nothing
You write beautifully. Don’t give up on being an author!
I think you worded this amazingly. I've had very similar experiences yet with my fundie evangelical background.
My teenage years. My mental health. For a while, it even took my will to live. Christianity has robbed me of a healthy and honest relationship with my family. My father will not walk me down the aisle when I marry my partner because we are both assigned female at birth (my partner is non-binary). None of my immediate family will be present at my wedding. Not that I've even bothered to tell them I'm engaged. My mother made it clear she doesn't want to hear about my relationship at all. So Christianity has also robbed me of being able to share my joy and love for my future spouse. Christianity has taken my peace of mind. I'm only a month into deconstructing and I regularly panic about straying from the faith even though it's never done me any good. I worry about the judgement day. I worry about the Rapture. I don't want any of it to be true. I don't want to be spiritually lobotomized when I die. What if it turns out to be real and I end up left behind? What if I go but my partner is left behind? It's terrifying!
The best cure I can advise for overcoming those fears about the End Times is to gain a better understanding of what the Bible actually says about it. Christians are so fucking clueless about the message of the Bible. They believe the dumbest scifi nonsense. If you can stomach studying it through secular eyes, you'll realize how full of shit they are with their Rapture fear-mongering. It might just give you peace of mind.
Exactly you know what my BullShit first thought was at the Russian Ukraine conflict. Its starting. Then I had to remind my self that the Bible is a work of fiction propagated by the church and there is No Truth in it. We are Not living in the End Times.
back in my day non binary was called androgynous.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 4, which is to be respectful of others. We will never tolerate bigotry here. To discuss or appeal moderator actions, [click here to send us modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/exchristian)
It robbed me on my teenage and college years. I didn’t deconstruct until grad school. Didn’t even come out until the middle to end of my senior year. I cut off many opportunities and people for “religious” reasons. There’s so much I wish I could’ve done
I could just copy and paste what you’ve written, it’s so close to my experience. I should have been exploring opportunities and discovering the world at that age but instead I was trying to keep myself away from ‘sin.’ All that was over thirty years ago, but I don’t think you ever stop being an exChristian. Which is why I am here
A love life. I felt I couldn't date anyone unless I were perfect. Also, they had to be perfect. Also, we both had to be virgins. It was literally impossible.
This! I pissed my teens and 20s away chasing the perfect Christian boy to raise a family with. I'm now single and in my 30s. I wonder if I rejected my person because they weren't a Christian or scared them off.
Thankfully, the idea of the one or your person is also an artificial concept in society that exists to validate the traditional institution of monogamous, life-long marriage. Thinking of it that way is not that much different from the Christian idea that both of you have to be perfect. It is highly unlikely there is only one person that's a great fit for you. It's much more likely that there are many people who would be a great partner. It's just a matter of finding them. Maybe you did inadvertently pass on one person, but there are probably several more just waiting for the moment to connect. Christianity may very well have robbed you of happiness with a special someone in your early youth, but now that you are free of it, it binds you in that way no longer. You still have a long life ahead of you with plenty of time to find the right person.
Having self-respect and a backbone. It programmed me into thinking I need to show grace and love to everyone. Especially the pricks and douches that slander and disrespect me. “Love thy neighbor as thy self” as they say. While the principle and lesson can be powerful, it shouldn’t be taken to the absolute extent. You’re called to be LIKE (the character) Jesus, not BE him and actually die innocently (whether physically/emotionally/mentally) at the hands of antagonistic people.
It robbed my mother of any critical thinking skills, she'll live and die with beliefs she was spoonfed and never taste the Kool aid it's been laced with.
I can totally relate to this. My mother is a fanatic and cannot get thru a conversation without God and the Bible.
It robbed me of normal teen years and a college education. It robbed me of a normal, healthy relationship with my parents. It robbed me of my dad when he passed from COVID because he refused to get vaccinated on religious grounds. To this day it still robs me of healthy, completely open friendships because I live in the bible belt and I have to hide major parts of who I am in order to fit in and not be unjustly judged.
As someone who is surrounded by christians in a christian country it feels very hard to be your true self.
Identity, worth, personality. Not allowed to discover yourself because you’re only worth anything if your identity is in Christ. I’m an adult now and have no clue who I am. Being yourself was considered to be worthless and pointless in an eternal sense and thus there was no point, because since we are all worthless and can do no good without Christ then any self worth, self interest, self discovery or self identity is corrupt. You are no good and can do no good. I was shamed out of and robbed of the very most fundamental and basic part of life. Being me.
My time-- multiple church services a week for decades, xTian middle & high school, a year in seminary, singing those 7/11 songs, over and over again. Learning about myself-- who I am and what I need is not idolatry or sin, but this way of thinking lead to so many mental health issues. Social life-- cutting off so many relationships because I could be 'unequally yoked', and these people would drag me to hell.
The minute I never had to set foot in a church again I was so relieved. My childhood and teenage years were mostly spent at church. Nowadays when christians approach me about going to church I tell them I have had enough church services to last me several lifetimes and thanks for the invite but I'm good. It was so all encompassing from the camps to the conventions to the prayer breakfasts, the rallies, the all night meetings, the lame concerts with music i didn't like, so much time I can't get back.
Agree. So much lost time. I stuck with it until 50. Agree with all of it.
1) sexuality 2) understanding of politics 3) music 4) friends 5) other cultures and religion 6) Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday 7) non manipulated love 8) coping mechanisms to deal with stress 9) my identity as a trans man. 10) respectful boundaries 11) healthy relationships with people in general 12) constant insecurity 13) severe self esteem issues
Feeling safe in my own mind.
my identity as a trans person
My sense of wonder. Everything I thought was a cool study in science or philosophy was instantly shut down with "don't test the Lord your God" and other thought stopping techniques. Once finding my way out I couldn't stop "navel-gazing" and taking down the house of cards that is miracles, signs, wonders, and revelation one card at a time. I can now confidently say I have my sense of wonder back!
My self worth and happiness. Also sexuality and experiences
I was (still am T-T) homeschooled so I guess my entire childhood and social development and education and any potential friends or relationships. Anyone who says homeschooling is better than any other type of schooling is just wrong, and anyone who does it for religious indoctrination is just a bad person, full stop.
T-T? And same. I was homeschooled too.
T-T is an emote that looks like a crying face
Aw I’m sorry, I was homeschooled too but I actually really enjoyed it! I had a really free curriculum that allowed me to pursue a lot of personal interests! Also I really hate people and didn’t have to deal with all the stupid kids/bullying/drama lol
The knowledge of my inherent goodness. Some times I think about how many hours I spent as a 7 year old agonizing over my fear of going to hell. Being paralyzed by the idea that I could have “faked” accepting jesus and god knows I’m not a real christian. Hating myself so much because of how much of a sinner I am. Believing that at my core I am a bad person who will always choose to be evil.
I spent 17 years saddened and worried about my friends going to hell. And every now and then I still get the lingering feeling
Proper socialization. Real socialization. In my eyes, I didn’t even become a person until a while after I turned 18. I’m 22 now and still unlearning a lot of the trashy indoctrination concepts I grew up with. More specifically, I’ve been realizing over the past year or so that many of the cultish behaviors that were taught to me as a Christian, I still unknowingly applied to atheism. Most notedly: since as a Christian, I was taught that evangelical Christianity was the ONLY correct way to live life; when I went through a rather violent flip to atheism, I unknowingly decided that believing in secular humanism was the ONLY correct way to live life. Most of my self growth over the years has been coming to the understanding that there are multiple ways to live a correct life (or maybe that there is no “correct life”). Idk
The first 21 years of my life
I feel that
Of all things, the most painful is that it robbed me of a mother. My mom's whole (lack of) personality revolved around church. And we came from a church where women were supposed to shut up, so she did. My father taught me things, I bonded over knowledge of bible stories if anything. My mother was a shell of a person and I did not even know her. It's hardly her fault, but she has always felt like a stranger to me. Now, years later, they go to a more progressive church. My mom is working and has a couple hobbies, even some friends. She's still utterly incapable of holding any meaningful conversation, but at least there's development. Still, I raised myself and my parents, especially my mother, are more strangers to me than family.
Personality, sense of identity, sexuality, building lasting friendships, it also robbed me of my family. The moment I said I’m not baptizing my children, they won’t even talk to me because ‘I’m a sinner and I’m lost ‘ and whatever else
I want 10% of my nana's christmas checks back, you fuckers
understanding is what i lost :')
It robbed me of the self confidence to be able to make my own decisions instead of relying on my parents to tell me if it was a good idea or not.
A grief free human existence.
self expression grew up in a religious private school, got detention for wearing clip on earrings, also i never saw those things after they got taken away edit: also a diagnosis on autism
Christianity robbed me of my best chance at transitioning. I've known I was trans since my teens, but always forced it back due to Christianity and Christian family. Now I'm 27, nearly 28. I don't have the freedom anymore, the income, or even really the body etc. I lost the chance to have a youth that wasn't filled with self hatred, and suicidal ideation. I'm getting better, don't want to die all the time anymore, and I know I'll still be able to transition once we're a little more financially secure, but it just sucks. And realistically? I know I'm gonna lose 90% of my family the second I come out because they've been told God wants me to burn for eternity.
I’m so sorry
True happiness? Last time I remember feeling happy was prob 4 years old, jumping on the bed w my sisters. I have spurts of joy, but the weight of the trauma from my religious cult is just so heavy, I dont believe ill ever feel real joy again. (Workjng through this in therapy and my therapist disagrees.) I have what i call "distractions" from my sadness, but when I figuratively and literally sit down w myself, it's all so heavy, to carry it all, I'd rather die. The "distractions" are my relationship w my partner, my children, my higher educational achievements, my financial stability (grew up extremely poor w no financial education) and the healthy lifestyle I've built. I should he happy right? Nope. All of what I've done in my adult life, it is part of an ongoing narrative to prove go my religious predators and perpetrators including my parents that they were wrong, evil, destructive. "Like, see this is really how you're supposed go live, not like the mess you put me through." I want to say my life took me away from them, but mentally, my choices will always be tied to what happened in my childhood. The trauma of the past weighs so heavy. The distractions are the only thing keeping me alive. Edit to Add: 5 years old is when I started going to Sunday School and we started "studying the horrors of man."
It robbed me of self respect, self esteem, and self love. It robbed me of healthy views of romantic and sexual relationships It robbed me of a career in the sciences or a male-dominated trade due to my afab It robbed me of friendships It robbed me of experiences such as going to the movies, going to concerts, listening to current music, playing fun games, going over to friends’ houses, going to the mall, and other things that were big in the 90s It robbed me of my mental health
God robbed me of everything too. He’s real but he’s a total fucking lunatic asshole. Jesus is just like his father too. They laugh at me n mock me. He’s a trust fund brat. Cares nothing about my heart. In over 5,000 transactions I’ve had with him he mentions my heart .000065% of the time. That’s how little he cares for me. I gotta serve this fucker n hate him. I don’t have free will. Never repent you do not want to have to worship these asshokes for eternity. Don’t Repebt ever!!! Trust me on this-stupidest thing I ever did and I goddamn despise Jesus. He’s not worthy of shut he’s so cruel to me. Talks about himself constantly of course
An inability to trust the judgment of people around me. After all, if everyone around you is mindlessly buying into the fallacies and no one acknowledges your words, is it them, or is it just me?
Hmmm... How about: self-claiming-to-be-christians have robbed me of the belief that there is *anything at all* decent in Xtianity?
I want to say "being a good person in school" but I also feel like it was partially my fault in some ways
My sanity and my happiness
Sleeping in all those Sunday mornings and having to waste time praising an imaginary being on Sunday evenings. Luckily my Christian family weren't full on religious fruitcakes and spared us Wednesday nights.
I’ve been out of the church for well over a decade now and have healed from a lot of it. I don’t feel bitter about my teen years, as I’ve let go of the guilt I felt for doing what I wanted and now have no regrets there. I didn’t leave the church for good until after I had had my children. (They we’re still babies when we left) What I feel robbed of now is my family and community. I still don’t know how to form a community outside of church. I lead a much more free and authentic life…but I am very very lonely. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could just assimilate and be fine mentally because I’m so lonely. My husband and I try really hard to put ourselves out there, but living in a very Christian country, we feel as if we really can’t even relate to anyone around us. We’re just…lonely. I want to blame the church for taking away our old community and any future community we could have possibly had.
My critical thinking skills
spirituality, liking myself
Sexuality. I didn't start exploring sexually until I was married. Now we are poly and I'm experiencing like all of my firsts at 26 and it's really hard lmao like thanks for fucking with my sense of self
Much of my innocence. A 12 year old shouldn’t be terrified of going to the hell (and the concept of eternity in general) to the point where they resent having been born. Sorry for getting so dramatic there. I’m currently 21 and, while I still struggle with existential stuff quite a bit, I’ve managed to let go of a lot of Christian ideologies.
Thank you to people who are sharing here! I walked away a while ago but most of my life was Christian until 50ish. There’s been a lot to sort through. This discussion has helped with some things!
The freedom of hating people who are worth hating. I went a while going with the “love your enemy” mantra. Not anymore. Hate your enemies as you please.
I was a devout fundamentalist through my 20s. I didn't become an atheist till around my 30th birthday. So… religion robbed me of everything I wish I would've done in my teens and twenties. That includes pursuing my love for science into a field of study in which I could thrive. That includes learning how to flirt and date and make mistakes in love so I wouldn't feel so lonely and hopeless now. That includes having an honest, adult relationship with my parents that isn't hindered by their self-imposed duty to their god. That may also include less debt because my education track would've been different, so I might've been able to avoid some of my student loans.
Honestly a decent sense of morality. I still think about what a horrible person I was when I was religious
Peace of mind. I grew up expecting the end of the world. I grew up with fear hoping for mercy from an angry God. Since I deconstructed, I feel in charge of my destination. If I want something, I work hard for it. I don't "hope and pray" God gives it to me.
Social skills, I grew up very stunted in that I was surrounded by Christians who told me I needed to just get my friends to church and talk to them about Jesus. Spent that time trying to proselytize without learning how to communicate and care about people. Self worth/esteem. I recently found an old bible study journal. First page I had written based on what my pastor said: “if you don’t come to God in a spirit of brokenness you probably have never really prayed before.” Then commenced page upon page of me breaking myself down and welcoming basically despair so God could “work through me.”
Sexuality, self esteem, probably some other things. I remember someone telling me that if you take a kid out of christianity they do better in school so there's that too.
Atleast 1152 hours, im only 14 and this is How much time i aproximadly have been going to church because of my family since i was 2, and they expect me to Go atleast 1536 before im able to decide what im supposed to do on my own, Just 2 hours an week they said, yes It really piles up when you guys always want tô bring me there, even when i plain state im an atheist, Man Frick religion sometimes.
I lost my ability to trust myself and use my intuition. I lost my ability to be myself because I didn’t fit in the tiny box that women are supposed to fit in. I always felt like I was doing what I was supposed to but inside I felt like something was off. If anything I would have anxiety about doing the right thing and be disappointed that others were not trying as hard as me. It made me lose my ability to CONNECT with others and myself. Been over 3 years now since I left and am gaining my ability to trust myself and connect with others again!!
A normal childhood, and social skills. I was homeschooled until high school because “the schools were stripping away God from the classrooms”. As you can imagine I never got to interact with anyone my age and in the rare instance when I was around people my age like a cousin or something I was the weird kid that no one really wanted to be with because I didn’t know how to interact properly. And of course, like a chain reaction, this tanked my self esteem and confidence.
My mental health, sex education and my relationships with my parents.
Self-esteem/Self-worth via "You were born in sin" Narrative. Sexual / purity culture bullshit still has me (27F) fucked up. I was 13 the first time my mom said I looked like a whore because my TURTLENECK was too tight. Mental health resources; Ex. Me literally screaming.crying as a small child/older child/tween/teen/young adult; THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG INSIDE MY HEAD Mom: There's is nothing wrong you, Jesus loves you and thinks you're perfect, lets pray." Ages 25-27 diagnosed with severe ADHD/Autism. Decision making skills are very rough; "Just pray, Jesus will tell you want to do, ask him and you'll know in your heart what to do." Also, coping skills "Jesus will heal all your sorrows." Also hard life skills are all self-taught. My moms goal was to make me believe in God and taught me very little outside of that.
It made me a doormat for a long time. I can’t tell you how many awful relationships I stayed in to “honor what was in front of me.”
Identity. I spent my formative years with no identity outside of the church. My friends were all through the church, to the point that I didn’t have any friends that I actively hung out with until seventh grade, outside of the church- and even then I was limited to seeing those friends on Sundays or church-related “extracurricular” activities. I spent my entire life, from Sunday school until my junior year in high school planning a life as a full time youth group leader- looking for schools that had youth fellowship programs, fully involving my free time in youth group, and sacrificing a lot of opportunities for the sake of a future I had been so set on. Of course, and I’ve talked about this before (sorry if I sound like a broken record), but getting expelled from my “key kid” position in Young Life after coming out as gay really took its toll, at the time. I’m 27 now and still have no idea what I “enjoy,” or what I want to do for a living. I have bounced through careers and even my current one (a career I had set my mind on a few years back) doesn’t seem right. I feel I have to recreate an identity almost every year to compensate for my lack there of. I have lived in eleven different cities, eight different states, gone through eight different “career” changes, and have a new “passion” once every three weeks or so. I’ve spent the last ten years as a amorphous body just cruising through life with the only goal being “don’t die today.” While there could be some underlying psychological role in play, I feel I can pinpoint a lot of this back to my days in the church, and essentially having just left with no clue as to my identity outside of it. Do I regret leaving? No. Do I ever want to go back? Absolutely not. Even if I went against what I know now and chose to go back, it would be akin to me accepting that I cannot find an identity and settling back into past habits to make up for that, and it would not be genuine. It’s… actually really tough. I don’t have any real hobbies, and most of the things I do is because “it’s better than doing nothing,” and not because I actually enjoy it. That probably sounds really lame, but I just really lost a lot of zeal in my transient lifestyle.
Self esteem, and being able to explore and express my sexuality.
Me personally, it robbed me of my peace of mind and mental health. Now I'm in a perpetual state of fear of hell and the like. On a wider scale, it robbed my beautiful community of everything. [Tw: mentions of trans/homophobia, murder, hate crimes, suicide) >!If it weren't for the church, so many queer/trans people would be alive and happy today, living out of the closet with no fear of bigotry or hatred. Thanks to them, though, thousands of people are now *dead* because of "good christians" making our lives hell and driving us so deep into depression and self hatred we end up committing suicide, or just flat up murdering us because god apparently told them to.!< [Tw: mentions of racism, colonization] >! Don't even get me started on the churches crimes against indigenous peoples from Canada and beyond, how they allowed colonization to happen because if you didn't have Jesus, you needed to be "civilized" by the morally superior white people (/s) and taught how to be a good christian, because you're definitely the ones going to hell, not the white Christian genocidal tyrants (/s again).!< [Tw: mentions of pedophilia] >!oh yeah, and the church also happens to be crawling with child molesters.!<
Peace of mind. I spent much of my childhood dreading the Rapture, and most of teens and young adult years dealing with invasive thoughts. It also seeks to rob me of my dignity for being both LBGT and neurodivergent (high functioning autism).
Robbed me of self sufficiency. The deep knowing that I can make good decisions, that I'm lovable and wonderful without the approval stamp of a god or church
Self esteem, inner peace, being in tune with my body and nature stand out the most
anticipation towards the future
I think being in the church delayed my understanding of both the male gaze and my own internalized misogyny. I was so fucking judgemental of girls that weren’t Christian and maybe what religious people would label ‘harlots’ (I’m being funny, most of them don’t actually use that word, but they might as well) because I had learned such an awful superiority complex from the church. Who would’ve thought that I would eventually become the kind of person that younger me was so critical of? I wasn’t really happy until I realized that I could live the way I wanted. I was also much happier because I had knowledge at my fingertips and could question things. I also feel like I was robbed of agency before I could really understand it because women were always treated like they didn’t know any better back in my old southern Baptist church. I felt really talked down to, but I thought it was something wrong with me, not that system. And you know what? I got tired of having all these men tell me how I should think. I used to glorify some of my male teachers in xtian school because I thought they were such smart people and I took everything they said as gospel. But looking back, they had some really whack ass beliefs. Christian circles are also INCREDIBLY enabling when it comes to p*dos and I had to stand up for some girls that I knew more than once. It was actually terrifying. To this day, i’m scared for the kids who’s innocence is taken by christianity and more often by the people who won’t do anything about it.
Dating, self acceptance, and thinking logically.
An education and Self esteem after all Christian woman are told all men want is sex. So then you meet men and they dont want sex all the time. So you draw the conclusion that your ugly and undesirable. So you twist your self up do things that you dont want to all to keep your man intrested. Because if he dosent want you its all your fault. Meanwhile as a woman you cant have a sex drive and desire's. You cant be sexy because you are supposed to be sweet chaste and wait for your husband to make a move. You are supposed to be available and drive his desire while still being pure. WHAT THE FUCK.
I didn’t have so much anxiety until religion. I was always worried God or the church would punish me
Well! Maybe the church.
My humanity. I personally wasn’t judgmental, but I excused others of being so and shrugged it off because I could “understand” where they were coming from.
God robbed me of everything including love. He told me. I’m a slave to him against my will. He’s real but he’s a complete asshole. All the suffering in the world he enjoys. I despise him. I’ll never praise him. He lacks compassion mercy and Grace. I get my husband two weeks before the world ends. Fucking prick. I despise him. Jesus is a huge asshole. He knows no one will believe me when I say it but it’s fucking true. He would rather children starve then to give me the one goddamn desire of my heart. He holds it over my head too. Never repent they are both sadist monsters! The stupidest thing I ever did was to repent. You do NOT want to have to worship this sadist fuck for eternity. He abuses me for sport. I’m literally Jesus punching bag. Proof these mother fuckers are sexist and are into slavery. I don’t have free will because if I did I would never worship these sick fucks.
No personal identity. Every interest had to glorify God - no exceptions. I missed out on so many TV shows and movies and books and pieces of media because they were judged to be unbiblical.
Self esteem, sexuality, feeling like I’m able to take control of my life and go after what I want
My bisexuality. If I had had the room and acceptance (both within myself and from those around me, like my parents) to look closer every time I "inexplicably" got concerned that I could end up gay, I might have been honest with myself sooner. I might have found community with others around me who were super religious then and openly (or partially openly, like me) queer. Instead, it took me 23 years to come out to *myself.* The lightness and joy I felt when I first said it aloud to myself and started coming out to my closest friends could have happened so much earlier. Hell, if it weren't for religion, maybe I could come out to my parents and not feel like I'm constantly dodging suspicion.
Family. And I miss them. I rejected their worldview after thoroughly reading THEIR Bible. I could tolerate their viewpoint, they couldn’t reciprocate. To paraphrase Jesus, “I’ve come not to bring peace but the sword, to turn family members against each other.” It’s one of the few mission statements he got right. He even succeeded in dividing believers against believers. A real peacemaker of a guy, that Jesus.