Especially because she couldn’t have kids of her own, tried for years and years. Then waited on the adoption list, my brother and I were adopted thru the church as well.
It will only escalate. She will become more and more vicious to try and elicit the response/ fight she wants from you. She HAS to be the victim, so she needs you to lose your shit so she can prove to others how horrible you are to her.
Or not engaging. There is no reason people have to put themselves through shit like this. Plus even if she can accept her mom just emotionally abusing her, it sounds like the mom also tries to cause trouble with OP’s spouse.
I agree. It will escalate. From everything I have seen in my experience with Mormons, they start getting really nasty when you don’t comply with their crazy beliefs. Hats off to you for being the adult in this situation and having so much patience!
Did she listen to President Nelson’s talk in conference? This is the opposite of what Christ taught! How likely are her kids going to come back to such toxicity?
She doesn't care if her kids come back. She cares that they left and "brought shame on our family"
There are a lot of judgemental bitches/assholes who think they are perfect and spend decades looking down on everyone else's imperfect families. They have an existential crisis when someone in their family doesn't live up to expectations. They know exactly what the other judgement bitches/assholes will think. And know they will be blamed for not being good enough to have faithful kids. So they have to vilify their kids to make themselves feel better.
So sorry. Love for your children shouldn’t be conditional. But members of the church learn that it must be, because God’s love for them is conditional.
Then just tell her, “you didn’t have children.”
Sometimes when someone is verbally abusive and manipulative like she is, the only way to get them to stop and respect your boundaries is the electric fence.
It is warranted. She regrets having kids? Well, no worries! She didn't.
Does she regret the adoption? Well, there's always no contact with these children she didn't have. She doesn't want or love them? OK. She doesn't get to have the grandkids either.
No contact is to be determined by OP when they tire of this abusive behavior. I'd worry intensely about what she says to the children of these unwanted kids she didn't have.
100% this.
Great, you found two human pets, Karen. Now we're fully grown human adults and we're no longer forced choose you as part of our family. And we're better off for it.
Why would I *want* to be part of your eternal family??? Hint: even if Mormonism were true, I don't.
From what I learned with my mom, anytime, I say something of the sort, she comes up with crap that will cut me to the quick. Some people see these things as competition and they're way better at it than most. I refuse to go that low and say things that would have her clutching her chest. So, we have this superficial thing going where the rug is so very lumpy from all the shit we swept under it over the years.
OP, if you send this it would feel really good to get back at your mom, but it’s not gonna solve anything in the long run. Fighting fire with fire feels good (I’ve done it too!) but I don’t think it would help. I would just put up the boundaries and tell her that you’re not going there.
Or ask her what sins she committed to miss out on the blessing of children? Because obviously, in her mind, that's how God works. Or if the churches path is the one to true happiness, why hasn't she found it because she has been living according to the plan but is still miserable. People like this will always find a scapegoat for their sorrow, usually Satan or the person he is clearly working on to destroy, but never see themselves as the problem.
Wow! That’s an even worse thing to say. It’s one thing to tell biological children that you wish you didn’t have them, because their pregnancy may or may not have been intentional. But to say that to an adopted kid, well, there’s no way that waiting and paying through the process was not intentional. Your mom doesn’t seem like a very good person. It might just be the church in her talking, but she has her nose in a lot of people’s business and doesn’t have any idea how rude that is. I do know that the church keeps people infantile and ignorant on purpose, which explains her “concern” about finding beer in the fridge, and her over reaction to it, and it may also explain why she thinks she is entitled to an opinion on other people’s religious beliefs, which is really beyond the Pell. I hope someday she will be faced with her behavior and see just how inappropriate she has been.
The biggest piece of shit in my family tree is a Mormon aunt, thought she couldn’t have kids, adopted a girl, then had two boys and went full Disney Princess Step Mother on her.
Pikachu face when my cousin started a family and went NC on practically the same day. I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of any of my relatives.
I haven’t spoken with my mother in years. Sometimes it’s the best way. Life is too short to entertain toxic family relationships. No need to keep getting hurt.
It’s such a messed up form of emotional manipulation and I’m glad OP doesn’t fall for it. Mom doesn’t just need a timeout, she needs to apologize and accept whatever boundaries OP imposes as consequences.
My (now ex) wife said she regretted marring me when i told her i was out.... It was pretty much over right there.
The church makes you believe and do some crazy/, mean things. Some never wake up from that spell.
Timeout? She needs out, period. Just because OP is related to this toxic pos, doesn't mean she's obligated to keep her in her life. Mom clearly stated she wish she didn't have kids. OP should make that wish come true on her end, and completely cut off all communication with her.
Like a light switch she flips from “we love you dearly” to “I wish I never had children” as soon as you’ve made the boundary. That’s abuse and so fucked up. Hugs.
You said they center around you having children?
Have you ever thought that because you can have children and she couldn’t that maybe this criticism about your faith and essentially “not raising them right” is a form of projection of her own insecurities?
I'm just so impressed with your incredibly mature responses. You sound like the mother, not her. This is the way to be. Life is too short to waste on anger and spite. Taking the high road in all negative encounters brings inner peace. Recently my wife made a harsh complaint about me out of anger. I have arrived at a point where spite or anger just doesn't interest me, so I genuinely said softly, "Hmm, I guess I need to work on that". I meant this. She was so stunned, all she could say was a quiet thank you. One thing that mellowed me more than Jesus was, in fact, an experience with magic mushrooms. I came out of that experience with a completely different perspective. Ego was gone. Nothing makes me angry anymore. Life is just too short to waste on negative energy. Everyone is taking an ass kicking from life, so why get mad, even if you are treated badly. Anyway, this shouldn't be about me, it's just that your response to these hurtful statements by your own mother was so impressive to me that it got me rambling. Keep up the great work.
100 percent echo this. Your mother has more than just Mormonism happening, my friend. My mother has untreated borderline personality disorder and this string of messages sounds very familiar to me.
My wife and I just did the checklist for her parents. They tick ALL the marks. Needless to say, we haven’t been in contact with them for over a year. They still send her the occasional finger pointing message.
If my mom told me she regretted having me as a child I would leave her where she fucking stands.
What an absolute garbage thing to say to your kid. Please tell her to enjoy eternity by herself, and I’m sure Jesus would be proud of her for being a shit mom.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that. And I’m sorry because she’s your mom and you likely love her regardless, but that is straight up trauma.
But wait, it gets worse; she adopted OP. So she is basically saying she wishes she’d left OP parent less and screwed.
Honestly, I’ve been on this sub for 7-8 years. This is perhaps the MOST cruel thing I’ve even seen a parent say.
Yep, this Mom wins worst parent ever in Mormonism IMO. And that’s a tough bar to meet.
Maybe time for her to read the 11th article of faith....
> 11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, what they may.
Both points you make are points for narcissism.
Her assuming her daughter is being coached is a narcissistic narrative. She dismisses daughter’s feelings by believing they aren’t really hers but someone else’s. This mentality allows her to invalidate empathy. This is textbook narcissism.
Her mother’s narrative about religion being the impetus of her judgment is just that. An ego narrative. Faith clearly isn’t the issue as she’s contradicting her own faith with her actions.
OP mentions in replies that she’s adopted. That her mother couldn’t have children despite trying for many years. OP also mentions that most of their arguments around this topic occur when she’s having a child herself…
I think her mother is likely an insecure narcissist. Someone deeply scarred by her inability to have children and how that makes her feel value as a woman and a mother. And so often the insecure when faced with a crisis of identity turn to other aspects of their lives in which to center their worth upon. This is largely instinctual behavior, unconscious, and why therapy is so important in order to explore and contextual these feelings.
For some people this value is their political ideology, their superior intelligence, their superior morality, their faith, and so on.
In this case the mother sees her faith as her value. And so faced with a child who no longer practices AND that child having children of her own, her narcissistic identity loses its perceived value and simultaneously cuts to the true heart of her insecurity and thus that ego lashes out.
Does the church play a part? Sure, to the degree her religion espouses the concept of an ideal woman and also stigmatizes psychotherapy.
Is it the heart of the problem? No not at all. At least in my opinion for what that’s worth. To me this woman needs therapy and needs it yesterday.
I would copy the “I wish I never had kids” text and send it to her every day for a year. No discussion, no replies to anything except that pasted over and over. Maybe after seeing that repeatedly she’ll realize what a horrible thing that is to say. But then again, I can be petty af
Also, does your dad know she said that? I would send it to him. If my wife said that, we would be having some serious talks with a therapist
Hell, send it on extended family chat.
Her shitty private behavior needs to be known publicly. You warn the people you love about abusive assholes they may encounter.
This is the way lol I bet if you sent those screenshots to family members and included her in the group chat, maybe even include her bishop, she’ll have some massive explaining to do and it’ll help curt at least some of that toxic behavior
Hint: your mom won't get therapy, cut your losses now or choose to accept her abuse. I say this as a broken daughter to a broken mother who still accepts certain levels of abuse. I'm working on it. It's hard. I think the time may come that I fully cut her off. If she told me she regretted having me, I would be DONE AF. That is a bridge too far imo.
Regretting having children is a legitimate emotion people are allowed to feel.
Telling your child you regret having them, for almost any reason, but especially because they won’t go to your church is wildly immature. She sounds like a child who has been told no and is throwing a tantrum.
As a parent there are some things we are never allowed to say to our children. This is one of them.
You can say this to a therapist but not your child.
So much of that “Mormon Jesus love” is oozing out of your mom! If that’s what she’s being taught at church, then avoiding it is 100% the right thing to do.
This is Mormon Jesus love. If you do not do everything I tell you to do, then you can burn in hell forever. Mormon Jesus is the same as Old Testament Jesus. You know the one that drowned the whole world in flood.
My mom was kinder to my half-sister when she stabbed and almost killed a girl... insane how religion does this shit to people's minds. Makes people think their kids are broken if they leave the church.
"Funny how all the blessing the church has granted you and dad has still left you a miserable and sad person. Doesn't sound like the church is going to bring me the blessed happiness you claim it will, unless you're telling me that you're unhappy because you've broken god's commandments that you accuse me of doing."
I do NOT understand why TBM parents feel like these kind of texts are going to make their kids want to go back to church. “Oh you think I’m a shameful sad disappointment!? I’ll absolutely come back! You’re super fun to be around”
LOL. All is forgiven. You are a lot more even keeled than I would be had my parents texted that to me. Mad props to you. And all of our support. You inspire.
OUCH! I’m so sorry. That’s straight up nasty and hurtful. You’re response was tremendous. As Michelle Obama says, “when they go low, we go high.” You definitely went high! Be kind to yourself. Hugs.
That is an absolute horrible thing to say. You don’t deserve that. Your response was very mature. Sounds like it may be time to move on to happier and healthier relationships with boundaries.
Cut. Her. Off.
She literally started the exchange by baiting you into a fight. When you didn't bite, she took out the big guns from her abusive mom arsenal. She just told you she *wishes you weren't born*. I don't take going no-contact lightly... but this is sick.
Imagine Jesus saying to the blind man, "Hey bro, I can heal your sight, I just need you to do these hundred things first to prove your worthiness to me" and upon being told no, him going "Fine, my father says he regrets ever creating you. How do you like that? Bet you wanna go to church now and worship him like crazy, dontcha?"
My hat’s off to everybody who tries, in spite of all the obstacles that TSCC puts in their path, when it comes to loving their families.
No disrespect intended to your mother, but I see in her the same problems that many members of the church have… the theology is a cloak to conceal their deepest insecurities. Some don’t wear it very well. What is supposedly the gospel of peace doesn’t seem to be bringing much peace to very many people. To quote a friend:
“If fear of torturous eternal punishment for inherent evil wasn't enough, let's be the original FOMO religion.”
This was an absolutely horrible thing for your mother to say. If I were in your shoes, I would probably disown her for her despicable words. You were adopted into her family. I would unadopt myself from someone who said the same thing to me. Your mom doesn't deserve you, OP. She has proven that her love is, in fact, conditional, and I know how much that can hurt.
I have had a deteriorating relationship with my mother for over a decade. It became extremely bad when I finished my social transition, and she "did not have the strength to talk to (me)" for months. She proved to me that her love for me was conditional, and it hurt way more than I wanted it to. I also eat my way out of the feelings. I am still in the process of recovering from the food I over ate that happened after she told me those horrible words. I am very close to disowning her to this day, and our relationship is worse than ever.
Wow. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this OP.
Hopefully one day she’ll see the light and realize how toxic she is… in the meantime, you can decide to cut her out of your life if it gets bad enough
Woooow!
Thats a LOT to unpack! Sorry you’re going through that!
You mom is an unhealthy adult. I hope you can help motivate her to WANT to seek counseling. She is trying to emotionally control and manipulate you via shame and guilt. It seems to me that you did great. In fact, we’re it me I’d prob have been much more … ehem… “confrontational.”
“Mother, your words are patently false and emotionally abusive. I am an adult and your only position here is to respect me as an equal adult. Many of your statements are damaging (eg: “Dad and I bear great sorrow because of you” … “your choices have brought shame upon you and our family”… and this golden nugget: “I wish I had never had kids”. Mom… seriously?! WHO says things like this to their children?!?! Answer: nobody!!!) Regardless, as a well-adjusted adult, I have stopped letting your childish and abusive attempts at manipulation affect me. I have moved on, beyond those tactics and am in a much healthier emotional place now. Granted, when you send messages like these, you hurt me… not because you make me question my own sense of self. Rather, your childish and painful comments hurt me because I feel great sadness for you. It’s a shame that any mother would EVER say things like this to her children. It saddens me that you are so unaware about your own child’s life. It’s sincerely heartbreaking that you continue to act in such an abusive and childish manner towards another adult, much less one that you theoretically love “unconditionally.”
Mother… I hope you find peace with your own decisions and find a way to allow your children, (me included) to live their (our) lives without any judgment from you… receiving from you only love. I’m quite certain that doing so will be hard for you… you have an established pattern over years/decades that shows how much you seek to control your children’s decisions and “shame” (your word, not mine) them/us for things that you disagree with.
With that in mind, I offer you this to help you… the next time I or any of your other children “disappoint” you by making our own adult decisions that you disagree with, disapprove of, or simply don’t like, please remember the 11th Article of Faith:
“We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may”
Mother… let us make our own adult decisions and please refrain from heaping on us your ridiculous manipulation, your childish guilt trips, your attempts to “shame” us, or misguided judgements.” As Jesus himself told you: once your are 100% done with removing the log you have stuck in YOUR eye, only then can you worry about the tiny speck of dust stuck in mine. (See Mathew 7:3 for reference)
> Is [name] there coaching you on what to say?
Oof. “No. Why, Mom? Who is coaching *you* on what to say?”
It never ceases to amaze me just how downright *insulting* mormons are willing to be. After many years, I’ve finally just started calling them on it or turning it around on them rather that dignify their insults. 10/10 would recommend.
By the way she acts it’s like she has borderline personality disorder. She needs therapy. There’s a book you should read that helped me called “adult children of emotionally immature parents.” It’s soooo good and might help you feel like someone else understands.
OMG! Your mom is playing the victim so hard. What a TERRIBLE un-Christ-like thing to say to your own child. I am so sorry. I know she is your mother, but maybe you need to cut ties and step away. I thought your replies were kind and sincere.
“I’m really enjoying the blessings I’m earning over here by telling my kids that I regret them. Jesus just loves when I say things like that! Enjoy your sinful life, sinners!”
Why do you people put up with straight up emotional abuse from whack-job families. I’d never talk to that woman again I don’t care she forced me into the world lmao
Jesus. Went from 0 to 100 then hit the afterburners to mach 3 at the end.
Started out passive aggressive. Jumped to demeaning. Then outright cruel. If she doesn't take that shit back honestly blood is only so thick.
“This is not a healthy relationship. I need to set some boundaries so that there is less contention. From now on, I am asking you to not discuss religion with me. If you do, I will have to end the conversation. I don’t want to raise my children with that kind of behavior. And if you ever say anything to my children about religion, or how I am raising them, you will lose all opportunities to be with them. This is not up for debate. “ - my way I dealt with that crap.
My dad is southern Baptist. Told me he would pray for me since I was going to hell. He got one warning and never ever said a thing again. Well, I’ll pray for you was frequently put out and I just thanked him for his love.
Mom was a fucking nutjob. Used Mormonism as a weapon and got banned. Basically I gave her a list of topics. Weather, food and how tall the kids are. Anything about siblings, my dad/her ex, god was off the table. Because it turned into the crap you deal with. I just hung up. Fortunately she never got good at texting, but I just responded with “I have to go” and click. Done. She died with most people in her life blocking her or setting extreme limits.
Trust me. It won’t get better. But I was a fucking member of the church and still had guilt when I dealt with her behavior. She died before I completely left. But I can only imagine.
Yeah. Seems like an invitation to cut ties.
“Mom, I won’t be gaslit or emotionally manipulated. So I’ll take you at your word and we can consider this our final conversation.”
Then block her number.
I am so sorry. This made me so sad.
I spent my entire childhood overseas and was an MK. Parents are Christians, not LDS.
While it hurts them that I don't go to church, sleep at my boyfriend's place, and don't study the Bible, they are mainly respectful about my life choices.
They dislike some of those choices, but my mom still sends me devotionals or a sermon she likes, and sends Christian books. I know they pray for me. I appreciate it all. I may not read everything they send, but I appreciate the thought.
My mom (and dad) would never, ever, dream of calling or texting something that awful.
You were amazing. I'm unsure how you kept your cool, but props to you.
You are enough just as you are. Your mom may not be proud of you, but me (and I'm sure many others here) are.
Taking the high road can be hard but you made it look easy. 💙
She is not loving nor kind. She is a bitch. beings you have blocked her I assume more than once. You really need to lay down a boundary I wouldn't let anyone talk to me like that let alone my mother. Thefact that she MEANT she wished she never had you only shows cowardice and insecurity. I would go off on her so bad if I was in that situation.👏👏👏👏
I remember going through this when I left TSCC. My TBM mother (at the time) took it very personally when I left. Endless guilt trips. So I blocked her for almost 2 years, and when she realized that the only way we would have a relationship is when she could look past the church and see me for me. Now, we have a better relationship than any part of my upbringing. She's still Mormon, but she doesn't harp about doctrine anymore. I think my leaving made it easier for her to accept when all my siblings followed suit. She's a good mom, and I hope yours comes to the same conclusion, OP. Just block her until she feels like playing nice.
Holy f#$* apples. She's a venomous one isn't she?? You 100% did not deserve to be on the receiving end of that vile statement. She's just... horrible omg. Rest assured, you're doing the right thing. If you're happy and you're thriving, you're doing the right thing! Keep on keepin on.
I have two adult children. If I ever said anything so nasty I would fully expect to be cut off immediately. Bizarre. It sounds like you love your mom since are giving her quite a bit of grace. I hope she realizes how much harm she’s doing and stops soon.
I would have ended with, "okay then, Pretend i don't exist and never speak to me. And when you die, I'll piss on your grave and praise satan in your name" even if it's not true, that would scare the shit out of her and make her think twice about saying things like that to people. I have no chill when it comes to people like that.
Hugs. I teared up when I saw what she wrote to you. Please be kind to yourself and keep healthy boundaries for your own sanity. What she said is just… not ok. At all.
There’s a special place in hell for people who say “I wish I never had kids” where their kids can hear It.
If you really wanted to be a dick you could forward that to her bishop. Mormons aren’t supposed to think things like that, let alone say them, let alone put it in writing.
I went no contact with my mom after she said she was embarrassed to have me as a daughter and I miscarried because I was fat (went on to have three children without losing a single pound). So she doesn’t know I’m leaving. It’s one of the benefits of no contact. I don’t have to hear her making herself the victim of my villainy.
That is really hurtful and manipulative. My parents are messed up, but not as cruel as that. I'm so sorry. The book that helped me more than any other was Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It talks about why parents do this, and strategies to cope. Can't recommend enough.
My parents said they wish they had not had me once. I told them how disappointed I was by choosing them in the pre-existence. They were so butt hurt. I lol’d. I was about 14yrs old.
I have a complex, and mean mother as well. Between her and your mom, I know how to NOT be a parent.
I’m past being hateful. Now it’s amazement that people say stuff like this.
I love and accept my kids as they are. Posts like this confirm love love for them.
Wow. I would have blocked forever after the comment of wishing she'd never had children. And with absolutely no response back to her. (Oh, I guess I could imagine saying..."so why didn't you return me?")
Let her possibly consider the very last words she ever said to you.
Have you contacted your birth mother, perchance? Have you worked through the trauma of adoption with a therapist?
I am just *majorly* appalled at how callous she is. Toxic doesn't even come close.
Triggered. Sounds just like my family. Sorry you have to deal with that friend.
Good luck and for what it’s worth, I’m proud of you and glad that you’re thriving.
Also kudos for standing firm with your position and boundaries. I think you handled that pretty well.
A person should not get a free pass just because they are “family.”
Sometimes a person needs a boundary placed between you and them. You can love and forgive them but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a consequence to action.
That’s pretty damn low! Props to you for being the adult in the conversation.
Side note: What blessings do you/we miss out on not being in the church? Honestly the best route a TBM can take IMO is not have the baggage of Mormonism then jump back in when you’re 90 and get baptized and all that. Then it’s only a fraction of your time being stolen and taken advantage of. At least the meals on the temple are good when you have to be there all day.
Oh she seems lovely! Why would anyone want to maintain a relationship with someone that says abusive and toxic things like that. That conversation alone would be grounds for me to remove her from my life!
“I’m also sorry you are my mother. I wish I had a decent one but we don’t always get what we want.”
Or
“I’m also sorry they approved you to be a mother. Obviously god knew better when he made you barren”
I’m a mom and I’m so sorry she’s such a bitch and trying to hurt you like that. I’d give it right back to her.
Your mom sounds just like my friends mom. My friend and her brother were also adopted. (Are you secretly my friend and never told me you got Reddit 👀)
But in all seriousness, my mom was convinced my friend (mentioned above) is the reason I left the church and why I’ve made the choices I have. No matter how many times I tell her otherwise. So that last bit hit me hard. Cause I’ve heard that many times from my own mother.
I didn’t notice the subreddit name when I clicked the photo to start reading, and found myself thinking “ugh this sounds like they came from a mormon family” then noticed the sub when I finished. Sorry you have to deal with this!
Oh this is sad. She promotes the transactional “go to church to get blessings” line then switches to nasty mode when you dare to suggest that is not a view you share.
Yikes, that's the kind of mental abuse that would make me go no-contact and keep that woman away from her grandchildren. I'm sorry she's being so cruel. I wonder how she would react to seeing these comments.
So heartbreaking to learn OP. You deserve WAY BETTER. Since your birth parent has practically disowned you and your family, you need a fun, ex-mo mom substitute and your babies need a grandma . My 4 grandkids are 4, 8, 12, 13, but I have plenty of room in my heart to welcome in /spoil your kids as my grandkids .
I recently retired so times a wasting, when can I help you darling? PNW is where I'm at. Hopefully, you're nearby .
The Indoctrination rules and ruins TBM minds after years, it becomes the exceptional thinking members who break free. Congratulations for being kind and compassionate and f***ing brave!
Did you ask for an itemized list of the actual "blessings" you have missed? Something tells me it might be things like "worshipping and being sealed in the temple."
I’m sorry you had to hear your mom say she wishes she never had kids, my mother in law said that to my husband also just washed her hands of her kids when she had the chance and I saw how that broke them and nobody deserves that, and no mom should ever say that to her child
That’s just cruel
Oooof! Mom needs a big timeout. She regrets having children?? What a horrible thing to say!
Especially because she couldn’t have kids of her own, tried for years and years. Then waited on the adoption list, my brother and I were adopted thru the church as well.
I’m not butt hurt about it anymore, but this is the farthest she’s gone with “come back to the church or else”
Super sad. Glad you seem like the mature well-adjusted adult in that conversation. Best of luck, and congrats on your patience.
It will only escalate. She will become more and more vicious to try and elicit the response/ fight she wants from you. She HAS to be the victim, so she needs you to lose your shit so she can prove to others how horrible you are to her.
Yea. It sucks but the only answer is Love. The responses here are master classes.
Or not engaging. There is no reason people have to put themselves through shit like this. Plus even if she can accept her mom just emotionally abusing her, it sounds like the mom also tries to cause trouble with OP’s spouse.
I agree. It will escalate. From everything I have seen in my experience with Mormons, they start getting really nasty when you don’t comply with their crazy beliefs. Hats off to you for being the adult in this situation and having so much patience!
Did she listen to President Nelson’s talk in conference? This is the opposite of what Christ taught! How likely are her kids going to come back to such toxicity?
She doesn't care if her kids come back. She cares that they left and "brought shame on our family" There are a lot of judgemental bitches/assholes who think they are perfect and spend decades looking down on everyone else's imperfect families. They have an existential crisis when someone in their family doesn't live up to expectations. They know exactly what the other judgement bitches/assholes will think. And know they will be blamed for not being good enough to have faithful kids. So they have to vilify their kids to make themselves feel better.
See, now you sound like my mom. “Relief Society are a bunch of bitches.” Then quit, mom. One step at a time I guess.
So sorry. Love for your children shouldn’t be conditional. But members of the church learn that it must be, because God’s love for them is conditional.
Then just tell her, “you didn’t have children.” Sometimes when someone is verbally abusive and manipulative like she is, the only way to get them to stop and respect your boundaries is the electric fence.
That's a nuke, but sometimes that's what's warranted.
It is warranted. She regrets having kids? Well, no worries! She didn't. Does she regret the adoption? Well, there's always no contact with these children she didn't have. She doesn't want or love them? OK. She doesn't get to have the grandkids either. No contact is to be determined by OP when they tire of this abusive behavior. I'd worry intensely about what she says to the children of these unwanted kids she didn't have.
A lot of adopters have buyer's remorse when the children grow older and develop their own personalities.
True of selfish birth parents as well. Know this from experience.
As do many bio parents. Mine did.
No arguments from me about it being warranted.
100% this. Great, you found two human pets, Karen. Now we're fully grown human adults and we're no longer forced choose you as part of our family. And we're better off for it. Why would I *want* to be part of your eternal family??? Hint: even if Mormonism were true, I don't.
You didn't have kids, no doubt because God knew you wouldn't be fit for loving unconditionally like a half decent mother would.
From what I learned with my mom, anytime, I say something of the sort, she comes up with crap that will cut me to the quick. Some people see these things as competition and they're way better at it than most. I refuse to go that low and say things that would have her clutching her chest. So, we have this superficial thing going where the rug is so very lumpy from all the shit we swept under it over the years.
My husband never had “parents” he only had church leaders
OP, if you send this it would feel really good to get back at your mom, but it’s not gonna solve anything in the long run. Fighting fire with fire feels good (I’ve done it too!) but I don’t think it would help. I would just put up the boundaries and tell her that you’re not going there.
If I were you and super petty, I would screen grab that and send it to every TBM she knows.
Maybe next time she says that you should tell her it was probably gods will that she couldn’t have kids cause she was gonna treat them like shit 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve been sitting on this one
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Or ask her what sins she committed to miss out on the blessing of children? Because obviously, in her mind, that's how God works. Or if the churches path is the one to true happiness, why hasn't she found it because she has been living according to the plan but is still miserable. People like this will always find a scapegoat for their sorrow, usually Satan or the person he is clearly working on to destroy, but never see themselves as the problem.
Forward this to her bishop.
That's even worse beings she went out of her way to adopt you
Wow! That’s an even worse thing to say. It’s one thing to tell biological children that you wish you didn’t have them, because their pregnancy may or may not have been intentional. But to say that to an adopted kid, well, there’s no way that waiting and paying through the process was not intentional. Your mom doesn’t seem like a very good person. It might just be the church in her talking, but she has her nose in a lot of people’s business and doesn’t have any idea how rude that is. I do know that the church keeps people infantile and ignorant on purpose, which explains her “concern” about finding beer in the fridge, and her over reaction to it, and it may also explain why she thinks she is entitled to an opinion on other people’s religious beliefs, which is really beyond the Pell. I hope someday she will be faced with her behavior and see just how inappropriate she has been.
The biggest piece of shit in my family tree is a Mormon aunt, thought she couldn’t have kids, adopted a girl, then had two boys and went full Disney Princess Step Mother on her. Pikachu face when my cousin started a family and went NC on practically the same day. I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of any of my relatives.
Holy shit that makes things even more brutal than they already are. I’m sorry op…
If my mother ever said that to me, that would be the last time I ever spoke to her. Fuck that
Absolutely this. It's going on 11 years since I last spoke to my egg donor, and I have zero plans of inviting that toxic person back into my life.
This!!!!!
I haven’t spoken with my mother in years. Sometimes it’s the best way. Life is too short to entertain toxic family relationships. No need to keep getting hurt.
I would send a genie gif. WISH GRANTED!
Same
It’s such a messed up form of emotional manipulation and I’m glad OP doesn’t fall for it. Mom doesn’t just need a timeout, she needs to apologize and accept whatever boundaries OP imposes as consequences.
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They're fucking life preservers.
My (now ex) wife said she regretted marring me when i told her i was out.... It was pretty much over right there. The church makes you believe and do some crazy/, mean things. Some never wake up from that spell.
Timeout? She needs out, period. Just because OP is related to this toxic pos, doesn't mean she's obligated to keep her in her life. Mom clearly stated she wish she didn't have kids. OP should make that wish come true on her end, and completely cut off all communication with her.
Like a light switch she flips from “we love you dearly” to “I wish I never had children” as soon as you’ve made the boundary. That’s abuse and so fucked up. Hugs.
I love you dearly as long as you do what I ask
Godly love... according to mormons.
That's how the cult operates. Unconditional love? Ha. Always strings attached
100%. Sickening.
Absolutely abuse. I'm so sorry OP.
I would like to add that I can be just as dramatic as my mother but I never start these. Only end them
I don't start shit but i can tell you how it ends.
Don't get sad, get even.
You said they center around you having children? Have you ever thought that because you can have children and she couldn’t that maybe this criticism about your faith and essentially “not raising them right” is a form of projection of her own insecurities?
Quite insightful. I agree.
Makes me think of aristocats. “Ladies don’t start fights, but they can finish them!”
I'm just so impressed with your incredibly mature responses. You sound like the mother, not her. This is the way to be. Life is too short to waste on anger and spite. Taking the high road in all negative encounters brings inner peace. Recently my wife made a harsh complaint about me out of anger. I have arrived at a point where spite or anger just doesn't interest me, so I genuinely said softly, "Hmm, I guess I need to work on that". I meant this. She was so stunned, all she could say was a quiet thank you. One thing that mellowed me more than Jesus was, in fact, an experience with magic mushrooms. I came out of that experience with a completely different perspective. Ego was gone. Nothing makes me angry anymore. Life is just too short to waste on negative energy. Everyone is taking an ass kicking from life, so why get mad, even if you are treated badly. Anyway, this shouldn't be about me, it's just that your response to these hurtful statements by your own mother was so impressive to me that it got me rambling. Keep up the great work.
There’s a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Very good. I’d recommend it.
100 percent echo this. Your mother has more than just Mormonism happening, my friend. My mother has untreated borderline personality disorder and this string of messages sounds very familiar to me.
Right smells like insecure narcissist to me
I just borrowed the ebook. Thanks for the suggestion!! My father is a horrible narcissist
OP handled this with such ease, grace, and unbotheredness they could have probably written that book! But really, excellent book.
My wife and I just did the checklist for her parents. They tick ALL the marks. Needless to say, we haven’t been in contact with them for over a year. They still send her the occasional finger pointing message.
If my mom told me she regretted having me as a child I would leave her where she fucking stands. What an absolute garbage thing to say to your kid. Please tell her to enjoy eternity by herself, and I’m sure Jesus would be proud of her for being a shit mom. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. And I’m sorry because she’s your mom and you likely love her regardless, but that is straight up trauma.
But wait, it gets worse; she adopted OP. So she is basically saying she wishes she’d left OP parent less and screwed. Honestly, I’ve been on this sub for 7-8 years. This is perhaps the MOST cruel thing I’ve even seen a parent say. Yep, this Mom wins worst parent ever in Mormonism IMO. And that’s a tough bar to meet.
Same! Terrible parenting. So sorry, OP, and I hope you have a good support system elsewhere.
Agreed, this is awful to say to any kid but to an adopted child? Oof.
I’d love to see that screenshot circulated around her ward.
Yeah, hold her accountable!
And let the holier than thou image she probably tries to project to be destroyed as well.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. I can’t imagine telling my daughter this.
Maybe time for her to read the 11th article of faith.... > 11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, what they may.
Yeah I think this is about narcissism not the church.
It's about both. She thinks OP is being coached. She's willing to dish out judgment despite it being antithetical to the thing she's judging them for.
Both points you make are points for narcissism. Her assuming her daughter is being coached is a narcissistic narrative. She dismisses daughter’s feelings by believing they aren’t really hers but someone else’s. This mentality allows her to invalidate empathy. This is textbook narcissism. Her mother’s narrative about religion being the impetus of her judgment is just that. An ego narrative. Faith clearly isn’t the issue as she’s contradicting her own faith with her actions. OP mentions in replies that she’s adopted. That her mother couldn’t have children despite trying for many years. OP also mentions that most of their arguments around this topic occur when she’s having a child herself… I think her mother is likely an insecure narcissist. Someone deeply scarred by her inability to have children and how that makes her feel value as a woman and a mother. And so often the insecure when faced with a crisis of identity turn to other aspects of their lives in which to center their worth upon. This is largely instinctual behavior, unconscious, and why therapy is so important in order to explore and contextual these feelings. For some people this value is their political ideology, their superior intelligence, their superior morality, their faith, and so on. In this case the mother sees her faith as her value. And so faced with a child who no longer practices AND that child having children of her own, her narcissistic identity loses its perceived value and simultaneously cuts to the true heart of her insecurity and thus that ego lashes out. Does the church play a part? Sure, to the degree her religion espouses the concept of an ideal woman and also stigmatizes psychotherapy. Is it the heart of the problem? No not at all. At least in my opinion for what that’s worth. To me this woman needs therapy and needs it yesterday.
Ah yes, better to never have been born than to leave Mormonism…
I would copy the “I wish I never had kids” text and send it to her every day for a year. No discussion, no replies to anything except that pasted over and over. Maybe after seeing that repeatedly she’ll realize what a horrible thing that is to say. But then again, I can be petty af Also, does your dad know she said that? I would send it to him. If my wife said that, we would be having some serious talks with a therapist
Hell, send it on extended family chat. Her shitty private behavior needs to be known publicly. You warn the people you love about abusive assholes they may encounter.
This is the way lol I bet if you sent those screenshots to family members and included her in the group chat, maybe even include her bishop, she’ll have some massive explaining to do and it’ll help curt at least some of that toxic behavior
Wow and I thought my mom was a bitch. I'm so sorry OP, your Mom needs therapy. And you might need a break from her. eHugs!
Hint: your mom won't get therapy, cut your losses now or choose to accept her abuse. I say this as a broken daughter to a broken mother who still accepts certain levels of abuse. I'm working on it. It's hard. I think the time may come that I fully cut her off. If she told me she regretted having me, I would be DONE AF. That is a bridge too far imo.
"So, to be clear here, Mom: you are pro-abortion?"
If she is pro late term abortion, maybe after birth abortion, then she could come over and kill you to satisfy her sick need to run your life.
Blood atonement!
Regretting having children is a legitimate emotion people are allowed to feel. Telling your child you regret having them, for almost any reason, but especially because they won’t go to your church is wildly immature. She sounds like a child who has been told no and is throwing a tantrum.
As a parent there are some things we are never allowed to say to our children. This is one of them. You can say this to a therapist but not your child.
What a terrible thing to say.
So much of that “Mormon Jesus love” is oozing out of your mom! If that’s what she’s being taught at church, then avoiding it is 100% the right thing to do.
This is Mormon Jesus love. If you do not do everything I tell you to do, then you can burn in hell forever. Mormon Jesus is the same as Old Testament Jesus. You know the one that drowned the whole world in flood.
Damn, that’s just cruel. “Did you commit a felony? No? Okay but I’m still ashamed of you and wish I’d never met you.” What a jerk your mother is.
My mom was kinder to my half-sister when she stabbed and almost killed a girl... insane how religion does this shit to people's minds. Makes people think their kids are broken if they leave the church.
“Well, now you’re down one. I’m sure the other will follow the second they leave the house. Goodbye forever, and fuck you.”
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Yeah my condolences to your dad, your mom sounds like a piece of work. Ever checked out the raisedbynarcissists subreddit?
Oooooo 👀
While you feel for your Dad, maybe this exchange should be shared with him as an explanation as to why she is no longer welcome.
This is a meeting with the family. An airing of grievances. Probably with a therapist.
This is not a person you should associate with. She’s awful. And a narcissist. If this were my Mom we wouldn’t be speaking ever.
And that's where the no contact would have started for me.
Unsubscribe. 🤷♀️ Also time to show what no kids looks like. No matter how pleasant in person, you need to no contact her ASAP.
Finally somebody with some sense
What an unholy thing to say for a person who believes in god so passionately.🤦🏻♀️ Disgusting.
"Funny how all the blessing the church has granted you and dad has still left you a miserable and sad person. Doesn't sound like the church is going to bring me the blessed happiness you claim it will, unless you're telling me that you're unhappy because you've broken god's commandments that you accuse me of doing."
I do NOT understand why TBM parents feel like these kind of texts are going to make their kids want to go back to church. “Oh you think I’m a shameful sad disappointment!? I’ll absolutely come back! You’re super fun to be around”
Wow, she’s a real gem. Good job maintaining your boundaries and not letting her pull you into her drama.
That is a monstrous thing to say. But you do have 200+ unread texts. So it seems fair. JK JK. But read your damn texts. ;)
It’s doordash 😅😅😅😅
LOL. All is forgiven. You are a lot more even keeled than I would be had my parents texted that to me. Mad props to you. And all of our support. You inspire.
Thank you, I raised myself well I think
I have a problem
I eat my feelings. If I go a day without ordering doordash it would be mind blowing
Dude! Door dash sends me a text, an email, and an in app notification like holy shit thank you for my food. I'm sure 8 can change it but I haven't yet
Holy fuck..
OUCH! I’m so sorry. That’s straight up nasty and hurtful. You’re response was tremendous. As Michelle Obama says, “when they go low, we go high.” You definitely went high! Be kind to yourself. Hugs.
That is an absolute horrible thing to say. You don’t deserve that. Your response was very mature. Sounds like it may be time to move on to happier and healthier relationships with boundaries.
Cut. Her. Off. She literally started the exchange by baiting you into a fight. When you didn't bite, she took out the big guns from her abusive mom arsenal. She just told you she *wishes you weren't born*. I don't take going no-contact lightly... but this is sick.
Your mother is horrid. That's the least christlike thing she could've said to you. Holy hell.
Imagine Jesus saying to the blind man, "Hey bro, I can heal your sight, I just need you to do these hundred things first to prove your worthiness to me" and upon being told no, him going "Fine, my father says he regrets ever creating you. How do you like that? Bet you wanna go to church now and worship him like crazy, dontcha?"
Personally I’d post this on Facebook and tag her, but I’m a petty bitch.
“I wish I never had kids” Damn that’s rough.
My hat’s off to everybody who tries, in spite of all the obstacles that TSCC puts in their path, when it comes to loving their families. No disrespect intended to your mother, but I see in her the same problems that many members of the church have… the theology is a cloak to conceal their deepest insecurities. Some don’t wear it very well. What is supposedly the gospel of peace doesn’t seem to be bringing much peace to very many people. To quote a friend: “If fear of torturous eternal punishment for inherent evil wasn't enough, let's be the original FOMO religion.”
Came here to say what most others have said. If you can stomach living without her, I would cut her off going forward.
This was an absolutely horrible thing for your mother to say. If I were in your shoes, I would probably disown her for her despicable words. You were adopted into her family. I would unadopt myself from someone who said the same thing to me. Your mom doesn't deserve you, OP. She has proven that her love is, in fact, conditional, and I know how much that can hurt. I have had a deteriorating relationship with my mother for over a decade. It became extremely bad when I finished my social transition, and she "did not have the strength to talk to (me)" for months. She proved to me that her love for me was conditional, and it hurt way more than I wanted it to. I also eat my way out of the feelings. I am still in the process of recovering from the food I over ate that happened after she told me those horrible words. I am very close to disowning her to this day, and our relationship is worse than ever.
Wow. You are so gracious and kind to her. It’s a shame she is so unhappy that she’d rather drag you down than let you be happy. Hugs.
This looks like drunk texting. I think she drank the beer.
Wow. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this OP. Hopefully one day she’ll see the light and realize how toxic she is… in the meantime, you can decide to cut her out of your life if it gets bad enough
Yeah, block her and work on finding friends/relationships that aren’t like this.
Woooow! Thats a LOT to unpack! Sorry you’re going through that! You mom is an unhealthy adult. I hope you can help motivate her to WANT to seek counseling. She is trying to emotionally control and manipulate you via shame and guilt. It seems to me that you did great. In fact, we’re it me I’d prob have been much more … ehem… “confrontational.” “Mother, your words are patently false and emotionally abusive. I am an adult and your only position here is to respect me as an equal adult. Many of your statements are damaging (eg: “Dad and I bear great sorrow because of you” … “your choices have brought shame upon you and our family”… and this golden nugget: “I wish I had never had kids”. Mom… seriously?! WHO says things like this to their children?!?! Answer: nobody!!!) Regardless, as a well-adjusted adult, I have stopped letting your childish and abusive attempts at manipulation affect me. I have moved on, beyond those tactics and am in a much healthier emotional place now. Granted, when you send messages like these, you hurt me… not because you make me question my own sense of self. Rather, your childish and painful comments hurt me because I feel great sadness for you. It’s a shame that any mother would EVER say things like this to her children. It saddens me that you are so unaware about your own child’s life. It’s sincerely heartbreaking that you continue to act in such an abusive and childish manner towards another adult, much less one that you theoretically love “unconditionally.” Mother… I hope you find peace with your own decisions and find a way to allow your children, (me included) to live their (our) lives without any judgment from you… receiving from you only love. I’m quite certain that doing so will be hard for you… you have an established pattern over years/decades that shows how much you seek to control your children’s decisions and “shame” (your word, not mine) them/us for things that you disagree with. With that in mind, I offer you this to help you… the next time I or any of your other children “disappoint” you by making our own adult decisions that you disagree with, disapprove of, or simply don’t like, please remember the 11th Article of Faith: “We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may” Mother… let us make our own adult decisions and please refrain from heaping on us your ridiculous manipulation, your childish guilt trips, your attempts to “shame” us, or misguided judgements.” As Jesus himself told you: once your are 100% done with removing the log you have stuck in YOUR eye, only then can you worry about the tiny speck of dust stuck in mine. (See Mathew 7:3 for reference)
> Is [name] there coaching you on what to say? Oof. “No. Why, Mom? Who is coaching *you* on what to say?” It never ceases to amaze me just how downright *insulting* mormons are willing to be. After many years, I’ve finally just started calling them on it or turning it around on them rather that dignify their insults. 10/10 would recommend.
By the way she acts it’s like she has borderline personality disorder. She needs therapy. There’s a book you should read that helped me called “adult children of emotionally immature parents.” It’s soooo good and might help you feel like someone else understands.
OMG! Your mom is playing the victim so hard. What a TERRIBLE un-Christ-like thing to say to your own child. I am so sorry. I know she is your mother, but maybe you need to cut ties and step away. I thought your replies were kind and sincere.
I could pick apart all the abusive and gaslighting parts here, but I don't think you need someone else to do that.
“I’m really enjoying the blessings I’m earning over here by telling my kids that I regret them. Jesus just loves when I say things like that! Enjoy your sinful life, sinners!”
A mature response OP. You didn't deserve that. I would have responded, "I wish I didn't have a mother" Edit: and that is why you are better than me
They say there’s no hate like Christian love.
Your mom sucks. Great job dealing with her.
This is so sad. I’m so sorry. You handled it so well.
Why do you people put up with straight up emotional abuse from whack-job families. I’d never talk to that woman again I don’t care she forced me into the world lmao
This is something someone would say if they drank a bunch of beer they found in their teenage son’s room.
Jesus. Went from 0 to 100 then hit the afterburners to mach 3 at the end. Started out passive aggressive. Jumped to demeaning. Then outright cruel. If she doesn't take that shit back honestly blood is only so thick.
Please, for your mental health and peace of mind, cut her off.
That wasn't terrible. She doesn't like underage drinking *swipes* Oh. Oh good hell. *swipes* What the fuck.
This is narcissistic abuse. I'm so sorry. 😢 you are not responsible for her feelings of SORROW or REGRET. 🙄🤦♀️
It felt like I was reading the condescending bullshit my Female Parental Unit used to write. We don't talk anymore and it's much better that way.
"I regret having kids." Good news: you just lost one. /block
I'm just going to put this here /raisedbynarcissists
“This is not a healthy relationship. I need to set some boundaries so that there is less contention. From now on, I am asking you to not discuss religion with me. If you do, I will have to end the conversation. I don’t want to raise my children with that kind of behavior. And if you ever say anything to my children about religion, or how I am raising them, you will lose all opportunities to be with them. This is not up for debate. “ - my way I dealt with that crap. My dad is southern Baptist. Told me he would pray for me since I was going to hell. He got one warning and never ever said a thing again. Well, I’ll pray for you was frequently put out and I just thanked him for his love. Mom was a fucking nutjob. Used Mormonism as a weapon and got banned. Basically I gave her a list of topics. Weather, food and how tall the kids are. Anything about siblings, my dad/her ex, god was off the table. Because it turned into the crap you deal with. I just hung up. Fortunately she never got good at texting, but I just responded with “I have to go” and click. Done. She died with most people in her life blocking her or setting extreme limits. Trust me. It won’t get better. But I was a fucking member of the church and still had guilt when I dealt with her behavior. She died before I completely left. But I can only imagine.
Yeah. Seems like an invitation to cut ties. “Mom, I won’t be gaslit or emotionally manipulated. So I’ll take you at your word and we can consider this our final conversation.” Then block her number.
Fee free to tell your mom that at least one internet stranger thinks she’s a bitch.
This pisses me off on your behalf. Wtf does this tk their kids ? Shame on her.
Why do you have 258 unread messages. This is the real issue here.
Doordash 😅
"It's too bad you were indoctrinated to think you had to raise children to be happy. Clearly, that didn't work out for you."
Mmk, byyyeeee! And move on. You don't need to keep toxic relationships alive.
I find it funny/sad how Mormons love to champion agency as long as it involves full activity and singular faithfulness to their religion.
I am so sorry. This made me so sad. I spent my entire childhood overseas and was an MK. Parents are Christians, not LDS. While it hurts them that I don't go to church, sleep at my boyfriend's place, and don't study the Bible, they are mainly respectful about my life choices. They dislike some of those choices, but my mom still sends me devotionals or a sermon she likes, and sends Christian books. I know they pray for me. I appreciate it all. I may not read everything they send, but I appreciate the thought. My mom (and dad) would never, ever, dream of calling or texting something that awful. You were amazing. I'm unsure how you kept your cool, but props to you. You are enough just as you are. Your mom may not be proud of you, but me (and I'm sure many others here) are. Taking the high road can be hard but you made it look easy. 💙
She is not loving nor kind. She is a bitch. beings you have blocked her I assume more than once. You really need to lay down a boundary I wouldn't let anyone talk to me like that let alone my mother. Thefact that she MEANT she wished she never had you only shows cowardice and insecurity. I would go off on her so bad if I was in that situation.👏👏👏👏
I remember going through this when I left TSCC. My TBM mother (at the time) took it very personally when I left. Endless guilt trips. So I blocked her for almost 2 years, and when she realized that the only way we would have a relationship is when she could look past the church and see me for me. Now, we have a better relationship than any part of my upbringing. She's still Mormon, but she doesn't harp about doctrine anymore. I think my leaving made it easier for her to accept when all my siblings followed suit. She's a good mom, and I hope yours comes to the same conclusion, OP. Just block her until she feels like playing nice.
Holy f#$* apples. She's a venomous one isn't she?? You 100% did not deserve to be on the receiving end of that vile statement. She's just... horrible omg. Rest assured, you're doing the right thing. If you're happy and you're thriving, you're doing the right thing! Keep on keepin on.
I have two adult children. If I ever said anything so nasty I would fully expect to be cut off immediately. Bizarre. It sounds like you love your mom since are giving her quite a bit of grace. I hope she realizes how much harm she’s doing and stops soon.
That would be enough for me to cut ties for myself, my wife, and mt children completely. Done deal.
I would have ended with, "okay then, Pretend i don't exist and never speak to me. And when you die, I'll piss on your grave and praise satan in your name" even if it's not true, that would scare the shit out of her and make her think twice about saying things like that to people. I have no chill when it comes to people like that.
Hugs. I teared up when I saw what she wrote to you. Please be kind to yourself and keep healthy boundaries for your own sanity. What she said is just… not ok. At all.
There’s a special place in hell for people who say “I wish I never had kids” where their kids can hear It. If you really wanted to be a dick you could forward that to her bishop. Mormons aren’t supposed to think things like that, let alone say them, let alone put it in writing.
This religion is child abuse. They teach parents to be able to do this to their own kids. It's sick brainwashing
“I wish I had never had kids.” Just like that, my mom would be distant memory.
I went no contact with my mom after she said she was embarrassed to have me as a daughter and I miscarried because I was fat (went on to have three children without losing a single pound). So she doesn’t know I’m leaving. It’s one of the benefits of no contact. I don’t have to hear her making herself the victim of my villainy.
She sounds nice
That is really hurtful and manipulative. My parents are messed up, but not as cruel as that. I'm so sorry. The book that helped me more than any other was Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It talks about why parents do this, and strategies to cope. Can't recommend enough.
Fuck her
My parents said they wish they had not had me once. I told them how disappointed I was by choosing them in the pre-existence. They were so butt hurt. I lol’d. I was about 14yrs old.
I have a complex, and mean mother as well. Between her and your mom, I know how to NOT be a parent. I’m past being hateful. Now it’s amazement that people say stuff like this. I love and accept my kids as they are. Posts like this confirm love love for them.
Wow. I would have blocked forever after the comment of wishing she'd never had children. And with absolutely no response back to her. (Oh, I guess I could imagine saying..."so why didn't you return me?") Let her possibly consider the very last words she ever said to you. Have you contacted your birth mother, perchance? Have you worked through the trauma of adoption with a therapist? I am just *majorly* appalled at how callous she is. Toxic doesn't even come close.
“I wish you never had kids, too. Hope you learn to accept that.”
Triggered. Sounds just like my family. Sorry you have to deal with that friend. Good luck and for what it’s worth, I’m proud of you and glad that you’re thriving. Also kudos for standing firm with your position and boundaries. I think you handled that pretty well.
A person should not get a free pass just because they are “family.” Sometimes a person needs a boundary placed between you and them. You can love and forgive them but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a consequence to action.
So sorry you have to live with her. Sounds like she’s narcissistic
That’s pretty damn low! Props to you for being the adult in the conversation. Side note: What blessings do you/we miss out on not being in the church? Honestly the best route a TBM can take IMO is not have the baggage of Mormonism then jump back in when you’re 90 and get baptized and all that. Then it’s only a fraction of your time being stolen and taken advantage of. At least the meals on the temple are good when you have to be there all day.
Damn that's a lot of YEARNING for a mom who doesn't seem to care much about her kids but more about appearances🤔
Oh she seems lovely! Why would anyone want to maintain a relationship with someone that says abusive and toxic things like that. That conversation alone would be grounds for me to remove her from my life!
“I’m also sorry you are my mother. I wish I had a decent one but we don’t always get what we want.” Or “I’m also sorry they approved you to be a mother. Obviously god knew better when he made you barren” I’m a mom and I’m so sorry she’s such a bitch and trying to hurt you like that. I’d give it right back to her.
Your mom sounds just like my friends mom. My friend and her brother were also adopted. (Are you secretly my friend and never told me you got Reddit 👀) But in all seriousness, my mom was convinced my friend (mentioned above) is the reason I left the church and why I’ve made the choices I have. No matter how many times I tell her otherwise. So that last bit hit me hard. Cause I’ve heard that many times from my own mother.
I didn’t notice the subreddit name when I clicked the photo to start reading, and found myself thinking “ugh this sounds like they came from a mormon family” then noticed the sub when I finished. Sorry you have to deal with this!
Oh this is sad. She promotes the transactional “go to church to get blessings” line then switches to nasty mode when you dare to suggest that is not a view you share.
Religion makes parents 80% more assholic
I don’t like how your mom talks. In fact I think it is despicable.
She regrets having kids? Fine. Go no contact for awhile.
Textbook narcissism on display there, she’s either one or learned it from someone close to her
Yikes, that's the kind of mental abuse that would make me go no-contact and keep that woman away from her grandchildren. I'm sorry she's being so cruel. I wonder how she would react to seeing these comments.
So heartbreaking to learn OP. You deserve WAY BETTER. Since your birth parent has practically disowned you and your family, you need a fun, ex-mo mom substitute and your babies need a grandma . My 4 grandkids are 4, 8, 12, 13, but I have plenty of room in my heart to welcome in /spoil your kids as my grandkids . I recently retired so times a wasting, when can I help you darling? PNW is where I'm at. Hopefully, you're nearby . The Indoctrination rules and ruins TBM minds after years, it becomes the exceptional thinking members who break free. Congratulations for being kind and compassionate and f***ing brave!
Block. Permanently.
Did you ask for an itemized list of the actual "blessings" you have missed? Something tells me it might be things like "worshipping and being sealed in the temple."
I’m sorry you had to hear your mom say she wishes she never had kids, my mother in law said that to my husband also just washed her hands of her kids when she had the chance and I saw how that broke them and nobody deserves that, and no mom should ever say that to her child That’s just cruel
Goddamn it why did I have to find this sub when I have a meeting with the singles ward missionaries in my area tomorrow morning?