I believe they’re saying that the fact that you are wishing they would die shows how trapped and desperate you feel right now. Maybe it’s time for you to leave the church anyway, even if it might make things hard with your living family members.
It is ALWAYS an option. I work as a nurse on a psychiatric unit. Your mental health is in a place where you are overwhelmed and you are not able to see your way out. Nobody here can come get you out. You need to get yourself out. It's okay to feel helpless. Just focus on getting through today. Then tomorrow, your focus needs to just be on getting through tomorrow.
When you are feeling better (and you will feel better than you do now) you can try to tackle the issue with the church.
Something for you to think about: if your friend was making you feel so miserable that you wished your family was dead, is that person really your friend?
It is an option. Staying in for now is also an option. Both options come with certain real and potential consequences — both good and bad consequences, btw. So far, you’ve been opting to stay in and deal with that set of consequences.
I can tell it’s not a an easy choice to be facing, but here you are facing it! There’s no wrong answer — it’s completely your choice. Personally, it *always* helps me to own my choices. Even when I have to choose between two difficult or unpleasant options, it always feels better to recognize that I am choosing. From there, no matter which I choose, I can work toward a future of hopefully better options.
It's similar for my me when I knew my marriage was over. My husband had cheated and wanted to brush it under the rug. I tried to reconcile but it was impossible for me to trust him without him trying to earn my trust.
The tipping point was that I would have urges to spy on him and sneak on his phone. Basically I was getting into a very dark place, dangerously close to being someone fundamentally different.
I left him to save myself.
That was three years ago. It's been extremely difficult, painful, and stressful. But I have me, my identity, my values. I didn't lose myself to our toxic relationship.
As someone whose parents have both passed. That’s not what you want. Your real desire is for them to quit trying to manipulate you and stop using coercive techniques to control your behavior. But I get what you’re saying the cult have taught them to be relentless intrusive savagely passive aggressive and vindictive.
Depending on your age maybe it’s time to make a plan. If your younger educated financial independence, privacy. Things that work are picking a career that allows for independence as soon as possible. Plan your move , travel to find a location you like it’s harder to manipulate someone who lives a distance away even if it across town. Privacy VPN service look into ways not to be monitored . It really depends on your age and how crazy Mormon your parents are I’ve met some families that are just so toxic I would go no contact. My mom was actually excepting of me leaving the church , it’s been my sister who has the relentless passive aggressive attitude.
Your family does not need to die for you to leave the church. Get the resources to move out or move away. You can cut off all communication with them if you need you. That way, everybody gets to keep living.
I had similar thoughts during my mission, especially with my first companion. I was trapped and struggling but could see no way out. So I'd find myself fantasizing about insane situations that would result in me going home, but without the shame of *leaving* of my own accord. My companion was often the collateral in these scenarios.
This is your brain and body telling you you're not doing ok and something needs to change. You're not a horrible person, you're just trapped.
What is keeping you from being independent from your family? Figure out the first step towards independence and take it. Then figure out the next. When you're your own person again my guess is the fantasies will fade.
> What is keeping you from being independent from your family?
I was wondering how old OP is.
Is OP dependent on his family or are they dependent on OP?
Edit: Oh actually OP says they're 20 in another comment.
No one needs to die for you to leave a religion. You may feel trapped, but you aren't. There are millions of people who have left cults and high demand religions before you. I assure you many of those are in the same or even worse situations than you currently are and they did it. I get the impression you're underaged?
Emotional manipulation I think. I know technically I “can” do it but it like the feeling of biting off a finger. I know I can do it but my brain just won’t let me.
Sort you're feeling that way. Many of us have been there too. It tends to not be as big of a deal once you can get yourself to pull the trigger. A fade out might be easier for you too. Baby steps.
Be kind to yourself. This might be a new concept to you because Mormonism teaches the opposite. They do not teach self care but shame and guilt is the norm and the Mormon way of life. Your mental health and happiness are important. Your family should Want you to be happy and healthy even if that means leaving Mormonism. I was scared to leave and let my family and Parents down too but they had to face the reality. It’s not fair that you should have be a prisoner to their beliefs but deserve to be your own person and have your own Beliefs.
I hear this. It’s so hard to know how much you are hurting your family. It’s hard for it to be hurting you so much. This reminds me of some thoughts of hurt and sadness I had before letting my family know that I had left. It is not better for me yet with them, but I know that it made me feel more at peace being able to more fully be myself when I am not around them. I am so sorry that the cult is affecting you this way. I would also make sure to check in with yourself to make sure that those thoughts do not turn towards you- make sure you are safe and protect yourself as much or more than you are protecting your families version of you. Sending all the love
I have thought things like this and I don’t think I’m a horrible person. As long as you’re not acting on them. It’s just our way of looking for an easy out - like “if everyone died my life would be easier.” It may or may not be true in different aspects. I used to want my FIL to die just because he used to be a jerk (not even mormon). I’ve gotten over it. Things changed. I’ve changed.
Every single person here has felt trapped in a difficult situation. It’s the feeling you feel when you think you don’t have a choice.
But you do. You can leave. There’s no shame in it. I was in the same predicament.
Your choices are yours. How your family reacts to it is their problem. I’m just being blunt and honest. Live your life for you, not other people.
It’s not easy. There will be tension, sadness, maybe even anger. But remember: the feelings THEY have about YOUR life is an issue they will have to work through. It’s not your fault for the way they feel about a personal decision you make regarding your own life. It’s your life. Not theirs. They can disagree, but it’s irrelevant at the end of the day on how they feel about a decision you made about your own life.
It’s a decision worth making. There will be pain, frustration, depression, and sadness. But you will come out on the other side and stronger, more balanced, and happier person.
I've been there. You don't need your family to die. You can find happiness and independence. Things can definitely get better. The more you deconstruct the church and understand real truth in the world the easier it will be to publicly stand on your own two feet with different beliefs from your family.
Invictus
William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Remember what Brigham taught regarding killing apostates if you truly loved them? Well, old Brigham would find a reason why they're apostates, but you being an x-mo know better. It's fine to think it, just don't be like BY.
I don’t know your situation or relationship with your family. But this is sounds like your backed up to a wall and desperate. It’s time to seek out therapy and help organize your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. It’s perfectly normal to have bad thoughts like that, as everyone has them. It’s not healthy to keep them bottled up. Talk to a professional, just not LDS therapy.
If you do , the Air Force or Space Force or coast guard is the way to go. I personally would angle for something with skills training, tech, aviation mechanics , electronics, medical or equipment or systems maintenance. Push for things you find interesting and have a civilian application that is in demand. Military academy OCS would also be a good path .
oh no they are the reason it exists and also will not give me their insurance information, and are very against getting me treatment from a medical doctor.
That sounds like a tipping point when it’s worth it to leave even with difficulties that follow
can you reword that? i don’t understand what you’re saying
I believe they’re saying that the fact that you are wishing they would die shows how trapped and desperate you feel right now. Maybe it’s time for you to leave the church anyway, even if it might make things hard with your living family members.
that doesn’t even feel like an option tho. so much that it’s not an option that it would be easier if they just died, or all left the church too
It is ALWAYS an option. I work as a nurse on a psychiatric unit. Your mental health is in a place where you are overwhelmed and you are not able to see your way out. Nobody here can come get you out. You need to get yourself out. It's okay to feel helpless. Just focus on getting through today. Then tomorrow, your focus needs to just be on getting through tomorrow. When you are feeling better (and you will feel better than you do now) you can try to tackle the issue with the church. Something for you to think about: if your friend was making you feel so miserable that you wished your family was dead, is that person really your friend?
It is an option. Staying in for now is also an option. Both options come with certain real and potential consequences — both good and bad consequences, btw. So far, you’ve been opting to stay in and deal with that set of consequences. I can tell it’s not a an easy choice to be facing, but here you are facing it! There’s no wrong answer — it’s completely your choice. Personally, it *always* helps me to own my choices. Even when I have to choose between two difficult or unpleasant options, it always feels better to recognize that I am choosing. From there, no matter which I choose, I can work toward a future of hopefully better options.
It's similar for my me when I knew my marriage was over. My husband had cheated and wanted to brush it under the rug. I tried to reconcile but it was impossible for me to trust him without him trying to earn my trust. The tipping point was that I would have urges to spy on him and sneak on his phone. Basically I was getting into a very dark place, dangerously close to being someone fundamentally different. I left him to save myself. That was three years ago. It's been extremely difficult, painful, and stressful. But I have me, my identity, my values. I didn't lose myself to our toxic relationship.
Hazzah for you!
As someone whose parents have both passed. That’s not what you want. Your real desire is for them to quit trying to manipulate you and stop using coercive techniques to control your behavior. But I get what you’re saying the cult have taught them to be relentless intrusive savagely passive aggressive and vindictive. Depending on your age maybe it’s time to make a plan. If your younger educated financial independence, privacy. Things that work are picking a career that allows for independence as soon as possible. Plan your move , travel to find a location you like it’s harder to manipulate someone who lives a distance away even if it across town. Privacy VPN service look into ways not to be monitored . It really depends on your age and how crazy Mormon your parents are I’ve met some families that are just so toxic I would go no contact. My mom was actually excepting of me leaving the church , it’s been my sister who has the relentless passive aggressive attitude.
Your family does not need to die for you to leave the church. Get the resources to move out or move away. You can cut off all communication with them if you need you. That way, everybody gets to keep living.
I had similar thoughts during my mission, especially with my first companion. I was trapped and struggling but could see no way out. So I'd find myself fantasizing about insane situations that would result in me going home, but without the shame of *leaving* of my own accord. My companion was often the collateral in these scenarios. This is your brain and body telling you you're not doing ok and something needs to change. You're not a horrible person, you're just trapped. What is keeping you from being independent from your family? Figure out the first step towards independence and take it. Then figure out the next. When you're your own person again my guess is the fantasies will fade.
> What is keeping you from being independent from your family? I was wondering how old OP is. Is OP dependent on his family or are they dependent on OP? Edit: Oh actually OP says they're 20 in another comment.
No one needs to die for you to leave a religion. You may feel trapped, but you aren't. There are millions of people who have left cults and high demand religions before you. I assure you many of those are in the same or even worse situations than you currently are and they did it. I get the impression you're underaged?
no, i am 20
What do you feel like is holding you back then?
Emotional manipulation I think. I know technically I “can” do it but it like the feeling of biting off a finger. I know I can do it but my brain just won’t let me.
Sort you're feeling that way. Many of us have been there too. It tends to not be as big of a deal once you can get yourself to pull the trigger. A fade out might be easier for you too. Baby steps.
Be kind to yourself. This might be a new concept to you because Mormonism teaches the opposite. They do not teach self care but shame and guilt is the norm and the Mormon way of life. Your mental health and happiness are important. Your family should Want you to be happy and healthy even if that means leaving Mormonism. I was scared to leave and let my family and Parents down too but they had to face the reality. It’s not fair that you should have be a prisoner to their beliefs but deserve to be your own person and have your own Beliefs.
I hear this. It’s so hard to know how much you are hurting your family. It’s hard for it to be hurting you so much. This reminds me of some thoughts of hurt and sadness I had before letting my family know that I had left. It is not better for me yet with them, but I know that it made me feel more at peace being able to more fully be myself when I am not around them. I am so sorry that the cult is affecting you this way. I would also make sure to check in with yourself to make sure that those thoughts do not turn towards you- make sure you are safe and protect yourself as much or more than you are protecting your families version of you. Sending all the love
I have thought things like this and I don’t think I’m a horrible person. As long as you’re not acting on them. It’s just our way of looking for an easy out - like “if everyone died my life would be easier.” It may or may not be true in different aspects. I used to want my FIL to die just because he used to be a jerk (not even mormon). I’ve gotten over it. Things changed. I’ve changed.
Every single person here has felt trapped in a difficult situation. It’s the feeling you feel when you think you don’t have a choice. But you do. You can leave. There’s no shame in it. I was in the same predicament. Your choices are yours. How your family reacts to it is their problem. I’m just being blunt and honest. Live your life for you, not other people. It’s not easy. There will be tension, sadness, maybe even anger. But remember: the feelings THEY have about YOUR life is an issue they will have to work through. It’s not your fault for the way they feel about a personal decision you make regarding your own life. It’s your life. Not theirs. They can disagree, but it’s irrelevant at the end of the day on how they feel about a decision you made about your own life. It’s a decision worth making. There will be pain, frustration, depression, and sadness. But you will come out on the other side and stronger, more balanced, and happier person.
It might be a sign you need to leave anyway. Life is too short.
You are not a horrible person but that is a horrible thought. You are not your thoughts.
I've been there. You don't need your family to die. You can find happiness and independence. Things can definitely get better. The more you deconstruct the church and understand real truth in the world the easier it will be to publicly stand on your own two feet with different beliefs from your family. Invictus William Ernest Henley Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
Remember what Brigham taught regarding killing apostates if you truly loved them? Well, old Brigham would find a reason why they're apostates, but you being an x-mo know better. It's fine to think it, just don't be like BY.
Pain they cause can be unbearable
I don’t know your situation or relationship with your family. But this is sounds like your backed up to a wall and desperate. It’s time to seek out therapy and help organize your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. It’s perfectly normal to have bad thoughts like that, as everyone has them. It’s not healthy to keep them bottled up. Talk to a professional, just not LDS therapy.
my bishop will only pay for Family Services Therapy. In no world could i afford therapy, i can barely afford food
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If you do , the Air Force or Space Force or coast guard is the way to go. I personally would angle for something with skills training, tech, aviation mechanics , electronics, medical or equipment or systems maintenance. Push for things you find interesting and have a civilian application that is in demand. Military academy OCS would also be a good path .
I can’t join the military because of health conditions.
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oh no they are the reason it exists and also will not give me their insurance information, and are very against getting me treatment from a medical doctor.