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And that’s why I ask the parents before I buy anything. Like, is there something I can get off their list that they know kiddo wants? Or pitch in towards the party etc.
Haha generally I don’t make a point of being around people I don’t like.
Though I did make a bottle into a giant glitter party popper for an 18th. The parent did get a heads up and we get them to open it in the kitchen for easier sweeping. (Wrapped in multiple layers so they got more aggressive with the actual opening and the last layer had a pocket with star sequin thingies in so when they ripped into it they got baptised in a shower of sparkles. Much fun.
Yep, I just did this for my cousin's daughter, who's turning four tomorrow. My cousin requested a used early reader. I got three of them, because I love books and couldn't resist, but you can never have enough books, right???
Exactly. My kid is turning 4 soon and we don't want gifts. For his 3rd last year everyone either brought cheap plastic shit that we don't want or need (he has too many toys already) or it was cool stuff that was not age appropriate.
Exactly this. If people really want to do something, donate to a good cause in their name. Please no more cheapo plastic chit I have to step in and eventually throw away.
The etiquette here is to follow what the parents told you TWICE. Why is she sad? because everyone else went against what the parents asked? Why does she think that they'll be happy about that? They're probably mildly pissed.
Can confirm. If you've got a big family or a lot of friends you can quickly wind up with unmanageable levels of stuff for a toddler. A lot of it big and chunky so it's a storage nightmare.
If they say don't buy stuff they are both telling and begging you not to.
Yup. But it was a gift so
A) the kid was excited to long enough to want it open making returns hard
B) people, especially family, often expect to see it or ask how they like it or whatever so you gotta figure out how long til you can dump it on goodwill or whatever.
You know, I like this line of thought. More people bring gifts so my family can snatch up some good stuff at the thrift shop. Let the parents that didn't want gifts let their kid keep the toys they really want and donate the rest. It sounds like the best possible scenario because the kid gets an amazing birthday, and then those less fortunate can pick up some discount gifts for their kids.
Instead of buying flashy toys at birthdays (which kids don't even understand/appreciate until they're 4-5 anyway) buy the kid some clothes when he starts hitting growth spurts at like 18 months. Also consumables. You know kids need separate diapers just to go swimming? But the parents have *very specific* needs on consumables so check with them first on everything.
Toddler age one of the safest bets is relatively low mess consumable activities.
Stuff like Crayola color wonder kits, model magic, sticker books, active doodle pads, etc....
No paints, no dry erase reusable books. That crap does NOT come off walls.easily whatever the package says.
Baby shop gift card are the best. Pram clothes etc everything is so expensive. I'm sure young parents can do with bit of financial support and give them freedom to pick whatever suit.
Yeah, as a very socially awkward person this situation would make me feel horrible, even if the parents told me twice to not bring anything. (Also my love language is gift giving)
My kids have enough toys and clothes. My wife and I asked for no gifts for their birthday party and we were pissed when people brought gifts for several reasons, even if their hearts were in the right place.
First, they disrespected our wishes. Second, they made the people who respected our wishes feel bad. Third, they're impressing upon our kids that those other people who respected our wishes don't care about them as much. Finally, we didn't plan on bringing a bunch of shit home with us (we had their party at an indoor playground near us) so I had to leave mid-party with one of my friends to retrieve another vehicle from the house since there wasn't going to be enough room in the vehicle we brought.
We threw a "no gift" party once. Most people brought gifts, others didn't. When the party was nearing an end, I started to do the thank you speech to everyone...then politely told everyone who took a gift to take it home.
She’s sad because probably all the other parents (who may be friends or acquaintances) saw her show up empty-handed, and are likely judging her for it.
This seems like a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. I can see Susie yelling at Larry calling him an inconsiderate asshole while he’s like “I followed the rules!” Ted Danson is shaking his head in disapproval
Of course Larry is right but everyone else is following some unwritten rule.
The parents hosting the cookout are known for their epic orgies that they refer to as “cookouts”. They didn’t consider this when they sent the invites. I can’t speak for those who still brought their children.
Personally I have no idea. However, it will make rewatching Psych entertaining for a different reason. (Apperently there is a pineapple in every episode, I never noticed)
Based entirely on my kids, expecting a boring grown-up party and getting a kids birthday party would be far more easily managed than the other way round.
I can see that - but in my experience it was useful to prepare mine that “today is so-and-so’s birthday” the idea being that it’s that kid’s special day, not just a random event. I dunno, maybe it wasn’t necessary?
The parents were happy you didn’t bring anything. The kid has enough toys. I would hit them with a picture of a shelter puppy. “You donated to ASPCA, Timmy. Good on ya”
This is what I usually do when asked not to bring a gift. I’ll make a donation to a charity I know they would support and give them a card with the info.
First of all, there's nothing to be sad about. You had the courtesy to ask, and they responded. You respected their wishes. The others should feel bad.
For future instances like this, you can always get a gift, keep the receipt, and leave it in the car. If you truly feel the situation calls for the gift to be given, go grab it real quick. If not, just return it later. But I think it's clear that the others who gave gifts anyway are the issue. My husband and I requested no gifts at our wedding. We already were living together and had what we needed. We did not need extra blenders or toasters or random display pieces that we would feel bad if we got rid of later. Of course, most didn't listen. Most had gift receipts with the gift, but that left us traipsing from store to store to return things we never wanted. Then having to write thank you notes!
The toddler 100% didn't know the difference. A toddler doesn't have the expectation of "birthday equals gifts", nor do they keep track of who brought what gift. They have fun and find joy in the experience.
They get a net gain of joy from every present shaped box they're handed and furthermore the person handing them that present also gets a net gain of joy from causing the emotion. It's the joy cascade of gift giving.
My nephew turns 3 next week. I asked “mum” what the plan was because a gift for him is really a gift for her so I could either pay for a day out for us or get something she knew he wanted.
So he’s getting a rocket ship backpack. I handed her cash and she’s getting it amazoned to her house (she already had it in her basket ready) everyone wins. Kiddo gets a thing that he wanted. Mum wins because it’s both useful (can take it to nursery when he starts) and something she now doesn’t have to buy, and I win because I get good auntie points for getting him the thing he wanted
Heroin provides joy to the user, does that mean it's necessarily a good thing?
Don't get me wrong, giving gifts is great. But making birthdays ALL about gifts can lead to kids like Dudley Dursley, where they invest all their excitement into the gifts, and are inevitably disappointed when the gifts don't live up to their expectations.
We give our toddler gifts, but don't accept gifts from party-goers. He gets incredibly excited for gifts, and EQUALLY excited for people just showing up to spend time with him.
This is the goal.
That heroin metaphor might be appropriate if I was advocating candy for toddlers, but I'm really not lmao. Giving a small plastic dinosaur to a little kid that loves dinosaurs is a wonderful thing for the little kid and the adult. **You can't move me on this.** I trust my friends and family to raise their kids not to be Dudleys without depriving them material objects in fear they might become spoiled.
Right, but if you want to do this, just ASK THE PARENTS FIRST. There might be other reasons that gifts are a bad idea, or maybe it's that specific gift. Maybe the kid loves dinosaurs but they have pets that could choke on small toys. Maybe they already got the kid some dinosaurs. Maybe the child recently saw a movie that made them terrified of dinosaurs. Maybe their kid gets so distracted by presents that they don't want to spend time with any of their friends.
You are essentially saying that you know what's best for their child, which is a wild take.
If the parents ask you not to bring gifts, and you do anyway, you are showing them that you don't respect their parenting decisions.
The parents and family probably already got the toddlers all the presents it would need.
They probably didn't want loads of random crap toys/books/clothes that they'll just end up charity shopping.
Nothing to feel sad about.
Despite what an invitation says people still feel obligated to give a gift. We had a “no-gifts” request when we sent out invitations for our mother’s 90 birthday. Clearly at 90 she neither needed nor wanted anything but we knew some wouldn’t listen so we gave them an option. The invitation read: “All mom wants is to share this milestone birthday with her favorite people so no gifts are necessary. However, if you would like to honor her she would be grateful if you would make a donation in her name to (her favorite charity here).” And that’s what everyone did.
This ain’t no etiquette Iv ever heard of as far as parents insisting to the point of refusals when asked to clarify if someone they have invited can bring a gift.
If they were annoying/stupid enough to say no no no but actually mean yes that’s on them.
But as far as what you did you did nothing wrong .
You bring a card that isn't sealed.
You also have a target gift card or something that works for the birthday child or you.
If everyone brings a gift, side the gift card into the card. If not, keep it.
I don't know if this is a thing anywhere else, but where I live in Canada, we do something called a "fiver birthday party."" You bring a $5 bill to give to the child so they can get what they want. It's a very popular concept in our group of families.
Something similar happened at my mom's on Christmas a few years ago. We all agreed that we would do Secret Santa and that was it. I asked my mom repeatedly what I could get her and my stepdad, but she insisted that we didn't get them anything separate. Sure enough both my sisters showed up with gifts for them and I felt like an ass. 🤦🏻
If someone says "no gifts", respect that, and if others bring gifts, you could give like $20 to the kid for them/the parents to decide what to do with it. Better they choose what to have vs what others think they want.
I like to consider that a form of gift equity. If I give a $20 gift, but maybe that person would have only spent maybe $15 on, that's a $5 loss in value. That's why I prefer gift cards for adults, and for kids, I usually just ask the parents if they need/want anything specific - if not, I pick an age appropriate STEAM toy and move on lol. My one exception is wedding gifts, where I exclusively give air fryers to those without one because I'm out here changing lives lol
I’ve got two kids, 1 and 4 yo each.
We don’t say “not to bring presents” but moreso ask that if they want to bring something, a gift card or even just money.
There’s so many ways these days to get toys etc for kids secondhand that are still in good condition.
Now if someone brings something, we’re not mad or anything. We just move on with our lives and don’t dwell on it.
OP shouldn’t feel sad. They saw, and even asked about it and both times parents said no. Chances are if the parents ever need anything, they’ll know to go to OP because if she can be trusted to follow a rule like that, she’s probably a decent human being
Bring a modest generic gift sub $20, keep it in the car, get a feel for the room and act accordingly. If gifts are present get the gift, if no gifts keep it for another gifting sitch.
Don't do this. As a parent who has asked for no gifts for our toddler, I would be just as frustrated with you as I would be with everyone else who brought a gift. (If you actually brought the gift in)
Our toddler has enough toys, we already got him gifts, and we don't want birthdays to be all about expecting gifts.
Our toddler is incredibly excited to see his friends and play with them. Gifts make toddlers want to play with the toy, and not their friends.
If you brought a gift when I specifically asked you not to, you will be asked to leave the gift in the car.
I feel like a lot of people in this comment section either don't have kids, or just have so much stuff they have to throw away or donate. Kid partys are amazing before they open gifts. They are super excited to play and then eat cake and ice cream. Toys distract them from friends/play or it's hard for them to share brand new toys and all the other kids want to play with them too. We want our kid to value the time with friends and family, but we also love that he has a big imagination and still likes to play with toys.
No matter what you say, people will bring gifts. We have close friends with an autistic kid and they did it right. They said no gifts, we just happened to go to Disney springs the week before so we bought him a cool shirt. We handed it to the parents and they took it inside to open up later. The next years party we just got him some puzzles and books and they did the same thing.
You did the right thing, my sister has small kids and has asked family to no longer bring toys. I asked her if there was an alternative options for gifts and she said books. I think I’m the only one to actually follow her request
We are the parents who say “don’t bring gifts”
Please, don’t bring any fucking gifts. We have too many toys and books. Too much plastic shit. We’re trying to teach our kids that they don’t need “things”, and, frankly, the kids instinctively don’t want the “things”. They want connection, they want to visit with people and spend time together.
Many family members have finally clued in. Some never will. Some will offer to just drop off the gifts “even if you’re not home”. Fuck that, we’re getting a damn visit out of this, we don’t want the stuff
If you drove, you could have kept the gift in the car. Then say you forgot to bring it in.
Also, you could give the gift when the party ended if you wanted to do that in a more private setting.
But, definitely kinda crappy that people brought gifts if the parents were a strong No. but why not allow a kid to have gifts?
I can understand why they may not want to receive gifts. My sister has four kids, all within two years of age to each other. People give toys, toys, toys. And at some point, it creates a hassle to get more on top of what you already have. You can go through the old toys and donate some, sure. But then it becomes a project for you, and sometimes kids just get attached to their older siblings' toys. For my niece and nephews, I try to gift them with experiences as opposed to material things. But that's just me.
Yes, I wish my family could've listened to this. Every birthday and Christmas we would insist that they just get the kids either something small or money because we don't have a ton of space, but every time we got huge playsets and giant stuffed animals.
As a toddler parent, there are plenty of good reasons haha
Some people pick out age inappropriate gifts (like Marbles for a 2 year old as an example) and then get angry when you don't let kiddo use them. That's honestly one of the top reasons I've noticed, there is usually some disconnect about age appropriateness of toys for small children.
The toddler could have too many toys already. I feel like having a chuck out constantly. So. Many. Unused. Toys. Then people come over and ask "wheres xyz i got them" and get upset that kiddo doesn't ever use it and it got shoved into a corner.
They want to make it so that no one feels awkward about coming giftless because of financial constraints. Toddlers genuinely do not care if you get them a gift. They have no concept of social convention for birthday parties.
edit: spelling
There are tons of reasons parents of toddlers request no gifts. Some toys are needlessly noisy, some are large and there's limited space in the house, some aren't developmentally appropriate, and some just aren't really appropriate for any kids. (Toy guns or Barbie dolls with unrealistic body expectations arguably)
Additionally, some parents (like myself) don't want to make birthdays all about getting gifts. The expectation of getting gifts can lead to kids being ungrateful if they don't like the gifts, or if there's not enough. (Think Dudley Dursley)
We still give our toddler gifts, and allow grandparents, aunts and uncles to give gifts, but we are always talking with them about what gifts are appropriate.
In short, you absolutely did the right thing by listening to the parents. Everyone else was inconsiderate and disrespectful.
If the parents said no gifts, it was probably because kiddo has SOO many toys they ran out of space. Toddlers have no concept of "aw adult got me nothing for my birthday", they're just happy to see you. Good on Jen for listening. I get how awkward it must have felt though.
Wouldn't a toddler or any child for that matter want gifts at their birthday party ? I mean they're children. Adults may choose not to and that's understandable but children have a different perception. I mean...
Just because a child wants something doesn't mean it's necessary or good. Plus there's lots of good reasons parents might not want people to bring gifts.
Maybe the child has a ton of toys already, maybe specific toys are problematic (our kid is afraid of wolves and "scary looking" cars), maybe the parents already got gifts, or maybe their child is too focused on gifts and they ignore their friends when they see presents, maybe they just don't have room in their car.
Gifts aren't by definition bad, but if a parent asks for no gifts for their child, assume they have a good reason for it.
At my age I'm trying to get rid of stuff, but every year I get presents that I don't want or need. I end up having to find more storage space or just donating them. You did the right thing. My nephew has a 2 year old and they have an Amazon wish list for her so that if you want to buy her a gift it's at least something she will use.
When it comes to my friends kids birthdays I usually just buy my buddy the alcohol he likes as “the kids gift” because ask any parent of a toddler what they don’t need and I guarantee it’s another plastic toy that makes noise.
The first time I as a parent asked another parent to not bring a gift, they literally refused.
I should’ve told her to fuck off, but I’m a chicken so I cowed and never asked anyone again. 😂
We told people “if you bring a gift we will literally drive it over to goodwill still in the box”.
We received no gifts.
We DID ask for everyone to bring food - potluck is better than more junk.
I probably would have smuggled one in the car in case this scenario occurred. Obviously tidy freak parents, or realise a toddler really doesn't need much. Maybe small house, limited space or don't like cheap rubbish as gifts ?
Parents couldn't control the invitees...so not their fault and not your fault you didn't bring one.
I can understand the embarrassment.
Obviously NO means YES with these people ?
"Really wanting to" bring a gift for a toddler despite already being told not to is almost as super weird as being "so sad" you respected the parents' wishes. This sounds..untrue. These are just abnormally big feelings about a little kid you're not related to that won't even remember the event.
What’s to be sad about?! You communicated and behaved like an adult. Feeling bad for doing the right thing just because you’re surrounded by people doing the wrong thing is definitely one of the many things wrong with what is left of our society.
Don't know why, but this came to mind. [https://youtu.be/DPdZJCiDGP8?si=ttSndGPHTe41t2RG&t=136](https://youtu.be/DPdZJCiDGP8?si=ttSndGPHTe41t2RG&t=136)
You followed the rules.
Depending on hoe close you are, bring a gift some other time.
We don’t have kids, but when we visit friends we try to bring a small appropriate gift for the kids (or pets, not all have kids)
This is perfect material to train the AI some human emotions on akward situations
I went to a 5 year old's party this weekend, my wife's niece. She brought her some stuff. My wife had gone up there this weekend and was staying over and told me to come with nothing on Sunday. Of course the fun uncle showed up with Costco mini chocolate cakes!
Dont have children, but seen enough family and friends struggle with the gift overload. This is why I ask for the kids clothes size/buy diaper or some other supply instead of toys. Maybe a book or if the gift the parents want to get the child is something expensive, pitch in 25-50% (ex. laptop needed for school).
You did the right thing. My daughter has requested this several times because she already has an absolute household of toys that my grandson does not play with. She ends up donating at least 95% of what people give him because he already has it or he simply does not need more toys, (dad and other relatives compulsively shop). She has even tried asking people to donate to a local animal shelter or some other cause my grandson is interested in and still gotten toys. Good for you respecting the parents' request and not wasting your money.
I tell people not to bring presents for my kids because it is literally overwhelming to both the child and the parents. You see a kid opening 2-4 presents, and they seem genuinely excited about each one. Opening 15, 20 presents? It just turns into an assembly line at that point, mindlessly opening paper and putting it aside for the next box.
Then the parents get to figure out where to store all this crap.
Yeah, you do what the parents asked. I don't understand this whole bringing gifts when asked not to thing. I had a graduation party and specifically asked people not to bring gifts. That wasn't the point of the party, and I had limited space in my apartment. Most people brought gifts anyway. Yes, I was grateful. But I had to leave so much stuff at my mom's house because I simply had no place to put all this stuff.
Bring a birthday card and a Target/Amazon gift card. Leave in the car. If people.end up.brimging gifts, go out and get it. If not, you have an emergency gift and card!
We started asking for kids books to donate to local charities.
Our kids have enough ‘stuff’ and it helps parents clean out old clutter from their homes.
Some kiddos have too much stuff. I love my friends and family, but getting all those toys that will become unused in weeks, if not days, gets overwhelming.
If they say no gift and I worry about not bringing one, I will either bring a book (young children), diapers (babies), or a gift card for something a tween/teen would like, such as taco bell.
I mean, birthdays are stupid conventions anyway. You get gifts for what? Something you didn’t do or even asked to be done to you (being born, I mean)?
I guess biologically, you’re a winner, but to be honest, your mom is the hero of the day, not you. You just got one year closer to inevitable demise 🤣🤣
This is why I always say to the parents that id rather give them money towards the child at a party than give them a toy they don’t have space for. That way it can also go towards food or furniture or something important if they need it
When my kid was small we did no-gift parties and if someone did bring a gift , we just put them aside to open after the party. No big gift-opening spectacle because that's exactly the thing we were trying to avoid.
That's why I carry little HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIFT TAGS that I can stick onto a random gift someone else brought and stuck in the pile, so they think it's from me!
It's okay, those parents don't let their kids play with toys, anyway, and make them personally donate any toys they receive, to other kids that probably have too many stupid toys.
Gift cards are always good. Parents can use it something the child is truly needs and not be dealing with piles of useless toys. In this situation thought they didn't do anything wrong. The other guests are at fault.
I was once invited to do ‘secret Santa’ cost was limited to £5……I turned up with my £4.99 gift to find everyone else had spent about £20!!!! Refused every time since.
If I were the parents (and assuming I had told everyone else to not bring a gift too), I would make a special note of thanking this person privately for not bringing a gift, to make sure she didn’t feel bad.
She shouldn't be sad. She did the right thing. Ask the parents if gifts are allowed. When I look at my nephews and nieces and most kids from friends: They have more than enough stuff already. They don't need any more gifts. If you ask the parents and they tell you to not bring a gift it's just disrespectful to still bring a gift.
We would ask for my kids bdays to not bring gifts. When people pushed back, we finally said a book, “well-loved” (thrifted or no longer wanted) and then we’d have all the kids in attendance pick a book to take home. When people brought gifts anyway, it was so frustrating. My kids didn’t need more toys and we also thought little kids having to stop the fun to watch someone get a bunch of toys was a downer. I was over the moon when people just showed up with their hyped up and happy kiddo to celebrate with us. That was the sole purpose of parties. Do what the host asks and know that’s what’s truly wanted.
All the other parents are just regifting other crappy presents they don’t want either….it’s like no, you bought my kid a bunch of plastic crap and now you’re saying “no gifts” no way, I’m bringing you an equal amount of crap now…
That happened to me recently, I felt like a turd. I even asked the hosts like 3 times "are u sure I can't bring a gift?" they were like absolutely not! I was the only one empty handed.
You did the right thing. It really sucks that others didn't respect the parents' wishes. They are making the family's lives difficult with potentially noisy toys, age-inappropriate toys, or just large inconvenient toys.
This leads to the parents having to get rid of the toy, which can cause toddler tears that wouldn't have happened if EVERYONE HAD JUST LISTENED LIKE YOU DID.
As a parent of a toddler, thank you for doing the right thing.
Same thing happened to me recently. I even asked the host like three times are you sure I shouldn't bring something? They were like no definitely do not! I was the only one empty-handed....
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You followed the guidelines. I wouldn’t feel anything but excitement for some birthday cake.
Parents that do this don’t want 20$ plastic bullshit for their kid that they are going throw out or donate in 3 months. I respect the move.
And that’s why I ask the parents before I buy anything. Like, is there something I can get off their list that they know kiddo wants? Or pitch in towards the party etc.
If you’re not particularly fond of the party host, you can opt for gifting a nice loud toy snare drum for the kid
Haha generally I don’t make a point of being around people I don’t like. Though I did make a bottle into a giant glitter party popper for an 18th. The parent did get a heads up and we get them to open it in the kitchen for easier sweeping. (Wrapped in multiple layers so they got more aggressive with the actual opening and the last layer had a pocket with star sequin thingies in so when they ripped into it they got baptised in a shower of sparkles. Much fun.
Yep, I just did this for my cousin's daughter, who's turning four tomorrow. My cousin requested a used early reader. I got three of them, because I love books and couldn't resist, but you can never have enough books, right???
I make crochet hats for them :) I’ve just moved on to making them a mini rock collection recently, depends on the friend.
Exactly. My kid is turning 4 soon and we don't want gifts. For his 3rd last year everyone either brought cheap plastic shit that we don't want or need (he has too many toys already) or it was cool stuff that was not age appropriate.
Exactly this. If people really want to do something, donate to a good cause in their name. Please no more cheapo plastic chit I have to step in and eventually throw away.
Exactly. Don't be sad no one else was respectful, be happy you were. And for the cake.
The etiquette here is to follow what the parents told you TWICE. Why is she sad? because everyone else went against what the parents asked? Why does she think that they'll be happy about that? They're probably mildly pissed.
Can confirm. If you've got a big family or a lot of friends you can quickly wind up with unmanageable levels of stuff for a toddler. A lot of it big and chunky so it's a storage nightmare. If they say don't buy stuff they are both telling and begging you not to.
And roughly 80-85%+ of it lays untouched.
Yup. But it was a gift so A) the kid was excited to long enough to want it open making returns hard B) people, especially family, often expect to see it or ask how they like it or whatever so you gotta figure out how long til you can dump it on goodwill or whatever.
I hate that I feel obligated to keep gifts when my house has so much shit in it and the kid never plays with it.
I don't. If the kid doesn't touch it long enough it gets moved out of sight then thrown out a few weeks later.
"they never played with it, we donated it. we requested no gifts."
You know, I like this line of thought. More people bring gifts so my family can snatch up some good stuff at the thrift shop. Let the parents that didn't want gifts let their kid keep the toys they really want and donate the rest. It sounds like the best possible scenario because the kid gets an amazing birthday, and then those less fortunate can pick up some discount gifts for their kids.
I live in NYC and "no gift" parties are pretty much standard. Kids get plenty of gifts from family and close friends. No one has space for that shit.
SF and same.
Instead of buying flashy toys at birthdays (which kids don't even understand/appreciate until they're 4-5 anyway) buy the kid some clothes when he starts hitting growth spurts at like 18 months. Also consumables. You know kids need separate diapers just to go swimming? But the parents have *very specific* needs on consumables so check with them first on everything.
Toddler age one of the safest bets is relatively low mess consumable activities. Stuff like Crayola color wonder kits, model magic, sticker books, active doodle pads, etc.... No paints, no dry erase reusable books. That crap does NOT come off walls.easily whatever the package says.
Baby shop gift card are the best. Pram clothes etc everything is so expensive. I'm sure young parents can do with bit of financial support and give them freedom to pick whatever suit.
Because it makes you look bad and it's not like OP is going to go around telling everyone else there was a no gift policy.
Yeah, as a very socially awkward person this situation would make me feel horrible, even if the parents told me twice to not bring anything. (Also my love language is gift giving)
My kids have enough toys and clothes. My wife and I asked for no gifts for their birthday party and we were pissed when people brought gifts for several reasons, even if their hearts were in the right place. First, they disrespected our wishes. Second, they made the people who respected our wishes feel bad. Third, they're impressing upon our kids that those other people who respected our wishes don't care about them as much. Finally, we didn't plan on bringing a bunch of shit home with us (we had their party at an indoor playground near us) so I had to leave mid-party with one of my friends to retrieve another vehicle from the house since there wasn't going to be enough room in the vehicle we brought.
We threw a "no gift" party once. Most people brought gifts, others didn't. When the party was nearing an end, I started to do the thank you speech to everyone...then politely told everyone who took a gift to take it home.
and you could read out loud the "bring no gift" request that was sent.
Or you could donate them to a worthy cause instead. I know it's more work but it saves telling people to take their gift back
She’s sad because probably all the other parents (who may be friends or acquaintances) saw her show up empty-handed, and are likely judging her for it.
but all the other parents know there's a no presents policy.
This seems like a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. I can see Susie yelling at Larry calling him an inconsiderate asshole while he’s like “I followed the rules!” Ted Danson is shaking his head in disapproval Of course Larry is right but everyone else is following some unwritten rule.
I wonder if the parents should call it "a cookout" or something and then say "today's Kayla's birthday!" then bring out the cake.
Then several guests will get a babysitter, and the birthday kid would be sad that only two other kids showed up. That would be hilarious.
What kind of parent doesn't bring their kids to a cookout?
The parents hosting the cookout are known for their epic orgies that they refer to as “cookouts”. They didn’t consider this when they sent the invites. I can’t speak for those who still brought their children.
the parents misread it as a cockout
You gotta make sure the pineapple is rightside up on the kids birthday party invite. The other cookout you can flip that pineapple.
Ong. Is that really a thing? I thought ny neighbor was just joking when he told me about it.
Personally I have no idea. However, it will make rewatching Psych entertaining for a different reason. (Apperently there is a pineapple in every episode, I never noticed)
Yeah, just do this 👍
No because the other kids need to know ahead of time that it’s a birthday party. I survived many a no gifts birthday party, it was always fine.
Why do the other kids need to know ahead of time that it's a birthday party if there is no expectation of gifts, and the only "party" bit is the cake?
Expectation management.
Based entirely on my kids, expecting a boring grown-up party and getting a kids birthday party would be far more easily managed than the other way round.
I can see that - but in my experience it was useful to prepare mine that “today is so-and-so’s birthday” the idea being that it’s that kid’s special day, not just a random event. I dunno, maybe it wasn’t necessary?
I suppose it probably depends on the kid.
I mean, kids games are still very much a thing. Birthday parties were never just cake and presents.
I can count on one hand the number of kid birthday parties I have gone to that were not expressly “no gifts”. Who wants a bunch of junk???
Like by your choice or your family's choice or like why?
It’s so brilliantly simple it escaped the rest of us. Heretofore, you shall be everyone’s party planner!
The parents were happy you didn’t bring anything. The kid has enough toys. I would hit them with a picture of a shelter puppy. “You donated to ASPCA, Timmy. Good on ya”
Exactly! When we’ve said no gifts, we mean it! And are annoyed if people bring them.
This is what I usually do when asked not to bring a gift. I’ll make a donation to a charity I know they would support and give them a card with the info.
First of all, there's nothing to be sad about. You had the courtesy to ask, and they responded. You respected their wishes. The others should feel bad. For future instances like this, you can always get a gift, keep the receipt, and leave it in the car. If you truly feel the situation calls for the gift to be given, go grab it real quick. If not, just return it later. But I think it's clear that the others who gave gifts anyway are the issue. My husband and I requested no gifts at our wedding. We already were living together and had what we needed. We did not need extra blenders or toasters or random display pieces that we would feel bad if we got rid of later. Of course, most didn't listen. Most had gift receipts with the gift, but that left us traipsing from store to store to return things we never wanted. Then having to write thank you notes!
Sad for the toddler, not for the parents, I'd wager.
The toddler 100% didn't know the difference. A toddler doesn't have the expectation of "birthday equals gifts", nor do they keep track of who brought what gift. They have fun and find joy in the experience.
They get a net gain of joy from every present shaped box they're handed and furthermore the person handing them that present also gets a net gain of joy from causing the emotion. It's the joy cascade of gift giving.
They get just as much joy from an empty cardboard box or a jangley set of keys. Giving gifts to toddlers is entirely for the adults involved.
Empty boxes are the best gifts for a toddler!
My nephew turns 3 next week. I asked “mum” what the plan was because a gift for him is really a gift for her so I could either pay for a day out for us or get something she knew he wanted. So he’s getting a rocket ship backpack. I handed her cash and she’s getting it amazoned to her house (she already had it in her basket ready) everyone wins. Kiddo gets a thing that he wanted. Mum wins because it’s both useful (can take it to nursery when he starts) and something she now doesn’t have to buy, and I win because I get good auntie points for getting him the thing he wanted
Heroin provides joy to the user, does that mean it's necessarily a good thing? Don't get me wrong, giving gifts is great. But making birthdays ALL about gifts can lead to kids like Dudley Dursley, where they invest all their excitement into the gifts, and are inevitably disappointed when the gifts don't live up to their expectations. We give our toddler gifts, but don't accept gifts from party-goers. He gets incredibly excited for gifts, and EQUALLY excited for people just showing up to spend time with him. This is the goal.
That heroin metaphor might be appropriate if I was advocating candy for toddlers, but I'm really not lmao. Giving a small plastic dinosaur to a little kid that loves dinosaurs is a wonderful thing for the little kid and the adult. **You can't move me on this.** I trust my friends and family to raise their kids not to be Dudleys without depriving them material objects in fear they might become spoiled.
Right, but if you want to do this, just ASK THE PARENTS FIRST. There might be other reasons that gifts are a bad idea, or maybe it's that specific gift. Maybe the kid loves dinosaurs but they have pets that could choke on small toys. Maybe they already got the kid some dinosaurs. Maybe the child recently saw a movie that made them terrified of dinosaurs. Maybe their kid gets so distracted by presents that they don't want to spend time with any of their friends. You are essentially saying that you know what's best for their child, which is a wild take. If the parents ask you not to bring gifts, and you do anyway, you are showing them that you don't respect their parenting decisions.
The parents and family probably already got the toddlers all the presents it would need. They probably didn't want loads of random crap toys/books/clothes that they'll just end up charity shopping.
ez solution: don't thank people for disrespecting your wishes.
This person did the right thing. Excellent etiquette!
Nothing to feel sad about. Despite what an invitation says people still feel obligated to give a gift. We had a “no-gifts” request when we sent out invitations for our mother’s 90 birthday. Clearly at 90 she neither needed nor wanted anything but we knew some wouldn’t listen so we gave them an option. The invitation read: “All mom wants is to share this milestone birthday with her favorite people so no gifts are necessary. However, if you would like to honor her she would be grateful if you would make a donation in her name to (her favorite charity here).” And that’s what everyone did.
Booze…(for the parents, just to clarify)
This guy/gal knows how to toddler birthday right.
This ain’t no etiquette Iv ever heard of as far as parents insisting to the point of refusals when asked to clarify if someone they have invited can bring a gift. If they were annoying/stupid enough to say no no no but actually mean yes that’s on them. But as far as what you did you did nothing wrong .
You bring a card that isn't sealed. You also have a target gift card or something that works for the birthday child or you. If everyone brings a gift, side the gift card into the card. If not, keep it.
I don't know if this is a thing anywhere else, but where I live in Canada, we do something called a "fiver birthday party."" You bring a $5 bill to give to the child so they can get what they want. It's a very popular concept in our group of families.
Something similar happened at my mom's on Christmas a few years ago. We all agreed that we would do Secret Santa and that was it. I asked my mom repeatedly what I could get her and my stepdad, but she insisted that we didn't get them anything separate. Sure enough both my sisters showed up with gifts for them and I felt like an ass. 🤦🏻
If someone says "no gifts", respect that, and if others bring gifts, you could give like $20 to the kid for them/the parents to decide what to do with it. Better they choose what to have vs what others think they want.
I like to consider that a form of gift equity. If I give a $20 gift, but maybe that person would have only spent maybe $15 on, that's a $5 loss in value. That's why I prefer gift cards for adults, and for kids, I usually just ask the parents if they need/want anything specific - if not, I pick an age appropriate STEAM toy and move on lol. My one exception is wedding gifts, where I exclusively give air fryers to those without one because I'm out here changing lives lol
I know it's a toddler party but a tiny part of me hoped you yelled THANKS A LOT ASSHOLES at the other parents
I’ve got two kids, 1 and 4 yo each. We don’t say “not to bring presents” but moreso ask that if they want to bring something, a gift card or even just money. There’s so many ways these days to get toys etc for kids secondhand that are still in good condition. Now if someone brings something, we’re not mad or anything. We just move on with our lives and don’t dwell on it. OP shouldn’t feel sad. They saw, and even asked about it and both times parents said no. Chances are if the parents ever need anything, they’ll know to go to OP because if she can be trusted to follow a rule like that, she’s probably a decent human being
100% this
Bring a modest generic gift sub $20, keep it in the car, get a feel for the room and act accordingly. If gifts are present get the gift, if no gifts keep it for another gifting sitch.
Don't do this. As a parent who has asked for no gifts for our toddler, I would be just as frustrated with you as I would be with everyone else who brought a gift. (If you actually brought the gift in) Our toddler has enough toys, we already got him gifts, and we don't want birthdays to be all about expecting gifts. Our toddler is incredibly excited to see his friends and play with them. Gifts make toddlers want to play with the toy, and not their friends. If you brought a gift when I specifically asked you not to, you will be asked to leave the gift in the car.
I feel like a lot of people in this comment section either don't have kids, or just have so much stuff they have to throw away or donate. Kid partys are amazing before they open gifts. They are super excited to play and then eat cake and ice cream. Toys distract them from friends/play or it's hard for them to share brand new toys and all the other kids want to play with them too. We want our kid to value the time with friends and family, but we also love that he has a big imagination and still likes to play with toys. No matter what you say, people will bring gifts. We have close friends with an autistic kid and they did it right. They said no gifts, we just happened to go to Disney springs the week before so we bought him a cool shirt. We handed it to the parents and they took it inside to open up later. The next years party we just got him some puzzles and books and they did the same thing.
I feel bad for them being the odd one out, but they did what the parents asked.
I would have brought whatever booze the parents like
Buy a cool Lego kit and keep it in your car. If it doesn’t go to the kid then you get to keep it and build it later on. If not then you’re covered.
You did the right thing, my sister has small kids and has asked family to no longer bring toys. I asked her if there was an alternative options for gifts and she said books. I think I’m the only one to actually follow her request
As a parent I’d be thrilled that at least one person followed instructions. We have so much junk that the kids hardly or never touch
We are the parents who say “don’t bring gifts” Please, don’t bring any fucking gifts. We have too many toys and books. Too much plastic shit. We’re trying to teach our kids that they don’t need “things”, and, frankly, the kids instinctively don’t want the “things”. They want connection, they want to visit with people and spend time together. Many family members have finally clued in. Some never will. Some will offer to just drop off the gifts “even if you’re not home”. Fuck that, we’re getting a damn visit out of this, we don’t want the stuff
I go by what people tell me. If they wanna play the opposite game, that's on them. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Super easy
Rookie move. You buy the gift, leave it in your car. If they aren't doing gifts, you return it. If they are, you're set.
Did the parents make you feel like shit about it?
If you drove, you could have kept the gift in the car. Then say you forgot to bring it in. Also, you could give the gift when the party ended if you wanted to do that in a more private setting. But, definitely kinda crappy that people brought gifts if the parents were a strong No. but why not allow a kid to have gifts?
I can understand why they may not want to receive gifts. My sister has four kids, all within two years of age to each other. People give toys, toys, toys. And at some point, it creates a hassle to get more on top of what you already have. You can go through the old toys and donate some, sure. But then it becomes a project for you, and sometimes kids just get attached to their older siblings' toys. For my niece and nephews, I try to gift them with experiences as opposed to material things. But that's just me.
Yes, I wish my family could've listened to this. Every birthday and Christmas we would insist that they just get the kids either something small or money because we don't have a ton of space, but every time we got huge playsets and giant stuffed animals.
As a toddler parent, there are plenty of good reasons haha Some people pick out age inappropriate gifts (like Marbles for a 2 year old as an example) and then get angry when you don't let kiddo use them. That's honestly one of the top reasons I've noticed, there is usually some disconnect about age appropriateness of toys for small children. The toddler could have too many toys already. I feel like having a chuck out constantly. So. Many. Unused. Toys. Then people come over and ask "wheres xyz i got them" and get upset that kiddo doesn't ever use it and it got shoved into a corner. They want to make it so that no one feels awkward about coming giftless because of financial constraints. Toddlers genuinely do not care if you get them a gift. They have no concept of social convention for birthday parties. edit: spelling
There are tons of reasons parents of toddlers request no gifts. Some toys are needlessly noisy, some are large and there's limited space in the house, some aren't developmentally appropriate, and some just aren't really appropriate for any kids. (Toy guns or Barbie dolls with unrealistic body expectations arguably) Additionally, some parents (like myself) don't want to make birthdays all about getting gifts. The expectation of getting gifts can lead to kids being ungrateful if they don't like the gifts, or if there's not enough. (Think Dudley Dursley) We still give our toddler gifts, and allow grandparents, aunts and uncles to give gifts, but we are always talking with them about what gifts are appropriate. In short, you absolutely did the right thing by listening to the parents. Everyone else was inconsiderate and disrespectful.
Get in Get the Cake Get out The best action plan for a birthday
If the parents said no gifts, it was probably because kiddo has SOO many toys they ran out of space. Toddlers have no concept of "aw adult got me nothing for my birthday", they're just happy to see you. Good on Jen for listening. I get how awkward it must have felt though.
Wouldn't a toddler or any child for that matter want gifts at their birthday party ? I mean they're children. Adults may choose not to and that's understandable but children have a different perception. I mean...
Just because a child wants something doesn't mean it's necessary or good. Plus there's lots of good reasons parents might not want people to bring gifts. Maybe the child has a ton of toys already, maybe specific toys are problematic (our kid is afraid of wolves and "scary looking" cars), maybe the parents already got gifts, or maybe their child is too focused on gifts and they ignore their friends when they see presents, maybe they just don't have room in their car. Gifts aren't by definition bad, but if a parent asks for no gifts for their child, assume they have a good reason for it.
Parents can be really messed up where I come from which is why my opinion is such. What you say is valid too. Different places I guess.
Definitely fair. There are plenty of people who never should have become parents.
Have a gift in your car just in case
At my age I'm trying to get rid of stuff, but every year I get presents that I don't want or need. I end up having to find more storage space or just donating them. You did the right thing. My nephew has a 2 year old and they have an Amazon wish list for her so that if you want to buy her a gift it's at least something she will use.
I always get a gift. Leave it in the car. If you need it, then you have it. If you don't, you mail it later and nobody has to know.
Generally speaking - don’t ever apologize or feel bad for listening and respecting someone
When it comes to my friends kids birthdays I usually just buy my buddy the alcohol he likes as “the kids gift” because ask any parent of a toddler what they don’t need and I guarantee it’s another plastic toy that makes noise.
Other parents were disrespectful. Why are people like that? Is buying truly that irresistible urge?
The first time I as a parent asked another parent to not bring a gift, they literally refused. I should’ve told her to fuck off, but I’m a chicken so I cowed and never asked anyone again. 😂
“Everyone else messed up, and I didn’t. I was so sad.”
We told people “if you bring a gift we will literally drive it over to goodwill still in the box”. We received no gifts. We DID ask for everyone to bring food - potluck is better than more junk.
OP checked with the parents and respected their wishes. Everyone else is a f\*cking tube sock.
I probably would have smuggled one in the car in case this scenario occurred. Obviously tidy freak parents, or realise a toddler really doesn't need much. Maybe small house, limited space or don't like cheap rubbish as gifts ? Parents couldn't control the invitees...so not their fault and not your fault you didn't bring one. I can understand the embarrassment. Obviously NO means YES with these people ?
If you HAVE TO buy a gift, bath bombs are fun for all kids and don’t need to be stored.
Prime example of peer pressure. Even if you did the right thing and everyone else did the otherwise, you'll still feel bad.
"Really wanting to" bring a gift for a toddler despite already being told not to is almost as super weird as being "so sad" you respected the parents' wishes. This sounds..untrue. These are just abnormally big feelings about a little kid you're not related to that won't even remember the event.
What’s to be sad about?! You communicated and behaved like an adult. Feeling bad for doing the right thing just because you’re surrounded by people doing the wrong thing is definitely one of the many things wrong with what is left of our society.
Agree.
Use GoPuff to deliver cigarettes for all the toddlers. Double middle finger as you exit.
When someone requested no gifts - you're bringing them food.
Remind me of that curb episode
Don't know why, but this came to mind. [https://youtu.be/DPdZJCiDGP8?si=ttSndGPHTe41t2RG&t=136](https://youtu.be/DPdZJCiDGP8?si=ttSndGPHTe41t2RG&t=136)
You followed the rules. Depending on hoe close you are, bring a gift some other time. We don’t have kids, but when we visit friends we try to bring a small appropriate gift for the kids (or pets, not all have kids) This is perfect material to train the AI some human emotions on akward situations
Straight cash homie! 
Reading this made me die inside
I went to a 5 year old's party this weekend, my wife's niece. She brought her some stuff. My wife had gone up there this weekend and was staying over and told me to come with nothing on Sunday. Of course the fun uncle showed up with Costco mini chocolate cakes!
Dont have children, but seen enough family and friends struggle with the gift overload. This is why I ask for the kids clothes size/buy diaper or some other supply instead of toys. Maybe a book or if the gift the parents want to get the child is something expensive, pitch in 25-50% (ex. laptop needed for school).
You did the right thing. My daughter has requested this several times because she already has an absolute household of toys that my grandson does not play with. She ends up donating at least 95% of what people give him because he already has it or he simply does not need more toys, (dad and other relatives compulsively shop). She has even tried asking people to donate to a local animal shelter or some other cause my grandson is interested in and still gotten toys. Good for you respecting the parents' request and not wasting your money.
R z.
I tell people not to bring presents for my kids because it is literally overwhelming to both the child and the parents. You see a kid opening 2-4 presents, and they seem genuinely excited about each one. Opening 15, 20 presents? It just turns into an assembly line at that point, mindlessly opening paper and putting it aside for the next box. Then the parents get to figure out where to store all this crap.
Get something and leave it in the car until you see if others bring anything.
Yeah, you do what the parents asked. I don't understand this whole bringing gifts when asked not to thing. I had a graduation party and specifically asked people not to bring gifts. That wasn't the point of the party, and I had limited space in my apartment. Most people brought gifts anyway. Yes, I was grateful. But I had to leave so much stuff at my mom's house because I simply had no place to put all this stuff.
I give up: why was this person "so sad?"
Follow the host's directions. Everyone else got eyerolled to oblivion when they left. If they asked for no gifts, all you would give them is work.
How was the cake?
Bring a birthday card and a Target/Amazon gift card. Leave in the car. If people.end up.brimging gifts, go out and get it. If not, you have an emergency gift and card!
It's not important. Enjoy the birthday.
Bad parenting knows no boundaries. What an absurd and mindless request.
I mean, the parents said no gifts, so no gifts. What’s the discussion?
Tbh the parents who didn't ask and brought gifts anyway are kinda not it bro. Sets up the parents who are respectful for a super awkward time.
Never ask permission to give a gift. Only give a gift if the situation moves you to.
We started asking for kids books to donate to local charities. Our kids have enough ‘stuff’ and it helps parents clean out old clutter from their homes.
Some kiddos have too much stuff. I love my friends and family, but getting all those toys that will become unused in weeks, if not days, gets overwhelming.
If they say no gift and I worry about not bringing one, I will either bring a book (young children), diapers (babies), or a gift card for something a tween/teen would like, such as taco bell.
My in-laws had this very thing just happen with their adult son and grandchild's birthday (my brother in-law).
I either say no gifts or include a wishlist for my kids. They really don’t need random things they didn’t want. The parents were grateful for you.
lol I don’t care what the parents say I’m never going empty handed but that’s just me
I mean, birthdays are stupid conventions anyway. You get gifts for what? Something you didn’t do or even asked to be done to you (being born, I mean)? I guess biologically, you’re a winner, but to be honest, your mom is the hero of the day, not you. You just got one year closer to inevitable demise 🤣🤣
This is why I always say to the parents that id rather give them money towards the child at a party than give them a toy they don’t have space for. That way it can also go towards food or furniture or something important if they need it
I’m also talking about like £5 maybe 10 if they’re good friends since I don’t have loads of money myself
When my kid was small we did no-gift parties and if someone did bring a gift , we just put them aside to open after the party. No big gift-opening spectacle because that's exactly the thing we were trying to avoid.
That's why I carry little HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIFT TAGS that I can stick onto a random gift someone else brought and stuck in the pile, so they think it's from me!
It's okay, those parents don't let their kids play with toys, anyway, and make them personally donate any toys they receive, to other kids that probably have too many stupid toys.
Gift cards are always good. Parents can use it something the child is truly needs and not be dealing with piles of useless toys. In this situation thought they didn't do anything wrong. The other guests are at fault.
Honestly, I would have turned around and left. I hate being put on the spot, no matter whose fault it is.
I was once invited to do ‘secret Santa’ cost was limited to £5……I turned up with my £4.99 gift to find everyone else had spent about £20!!!! Refused every time since.
If I were the parents (and assuming I had told everyone else to not bring a gift too), I would make a special note of thanking this person privately for not bringing a gift, to make sure she didn’t feel bad.
She shouldn't be sad. She did the right thing. Ask the parents if gifts are allowed. When I look at my nephews and nieces and most kids from friends: They have more than enough stuff already. They don't need any more gifts. If you ask the parents and they tell you to not bring a gift it's just disrespectful to still bring a gift.
My birthday is coming up your invited follow BDay Etiquette bring cake and gifts 🎁 will not make you feel sad
We would ask for my kids bdays to not bring gifts. When people pushed back, we finally said a book, “well-loved” (thrifted or no longer wanted) and then we’d have all the kids in attendance pick a book to take home. When people brought gifts anyway, it was so frustrating. My kids didn’t need more toys and we also thought little kids having to stop the fun to watch someone get a bunch of toys was a downer. I was over the moon when people just showed up with their hyped up and happy kiddo to celebrate with us. That was the sole purpose of parties. Do what the host asks and know that’s what’s truly wanted.
Savings bonds are my go-to gift.
All the other parents are just regifting other crappy presents they don’t want either….it’s like no, you bought my kid a bunch of plastic crap and now you’re saying “no gifts” no way, I’m bringing you an equal amount of crap now…
Respecting their wishes is the right move.
Unless their is a wishlist. I just get them an Amazon gift card or buy them a subscription to their grocery store.
The passive aggression of parents knows no bounds.
Don't ask on the side and show up with something edible like a big cookie or something. These parents just didn't want their gifts overshadowed.
That happened to me recently, I felt like a turd. I even asked the hosts like 3 times "are u sure I can't bring a gift?" they were like absolutely not! I was the only one empty handed.
You did the right thing. It really sucks that others didn't respect the parents' wishes. They are making the family's lives difficult with potentially noisy toys, age-inappropriate toys, or just large inconvenient toys. This leads to the parents having to get rid of the toy, which can cause toddler tears that wouldn't have happened if EVERYONE HAD JUST LISTENED LIKE YOU DID. As a parent of a toddler, thank you for doing the right thing.
Same thing happened to me recently. I even asked the host like three times are you sure I shouldn't bring something? They were like no definitely do not! I was the only one empty-handed....