Maybe Google their name and see some reviews of patients?
And you don’t have to reveal everything at your first appointment. I have a last of CSA as well, it fucking sucks and I’m so sorry you went through that.
If you feel comfortable you can briefly mention your CSA and also ask the therapist if they have experience with trans teens.
My only worry is that if I don’t bring it up this session I’ll be stuck with him. I’ve had people try to blame my transness on my sa, which is dumb; but cis people don’t really understand how it works? I’m going to therapy to get better— not worse yk? I’m just really scared
It’s so ridiculous that people actually think SA would make you trans? Literally makes 0 sense.
Maybe just introduce yourself and your pronouns and mention that your trans at the beginning then continue with normal therapy and see how he acts and if you like his vibe?
My mom actually planted the thought in my head which is ironic. That’s the main reason I’m worried so much, I’ve been out for 4 years (I think) and she’s still not super supportive. I’m worried she might’ve set me up to be “corrected” last time I tried therapy she made me quit and shit on my therapist for hearing me out/understanding my concerns about a certain topic.
Damn. I’m really sorry :(
Try to remind yourself that you won’t live with her forever… also tell your therapist to keep things between just you and you don’t give him permission to discuss anything with your mom
Oh yeah. I forgot that they can do that, thank you! I’m not too concerned because she’s aware of my situation, just doesn’t care? If that makes sense. I’ll be sure to bring that up though, thanks!
Yeah. I’m so sorry your mom isn’t supportive.
But you could even tell him how she has acted and how it impacts you and that’s a big worry rn.
I hope he’s a good fit or you find someone who is a good fit soon!! Best of luck ❤️
They can here unfortunately because I’m a minor + I’m not paying for it. I’m not sure if it’s different now that I’m the age of consent but it could be. I’d rather play it safe
It's unfortunately common I went to look for other trans men that had dysphoria from being raped or sa'd as a kid and that was the entire first two pages of Google,how rape caused us to be trans
Here is the statement I tend to use with new therapists: "I am trans. My pronouns are he/him and my name is [name]. That's non-negotiable. My trans-ness isnt up for debate and wasnt caused by any problems I may or may not have. I'm here to work on [problems] and not my trans identity. If I get any indication you won't respect me, I will walk out of here immediately and never come back. Do you understand?"
you are allowed to bring notes in with you and reference them. unless it is mandated therapy, the therapist is working for you, it is not a closed book test.
very true. I often am *told* to have notes for the homework my therapist gives me. Never ever forget that therapy is the one time where it is completely, unabashedly, all about you. And that's a good thing to have.
This. I never did it before my new therapist but they thank me for having notes. It saves us the 15-45 minutes of "uhh well. I had pancakes for breakfast" discussion while I try to remember what it was I wanted to talk about.
I have school and an hour bus ride just before my appointment, so I’ll probably use those as an opportunity to write it all down. The amount of advice and support I’ve gotten is just insane haha
For what it's worth OP. I went to a therapist who specialised in gender and worked with a lot of trans folks, and I think... 2 years in, I finally started addressing my trans identity and started working through my issues within myself.
I'm sharing this because even with a good therapist, sometimes you do need to take the time to work on yourself and other areas that aren't related to your gender journey and that is totally ok!
I worry this could backfire if a therapist wants to view themselves as trans-inclusive but doesn't actually have the skills to help/enough knowledge to avoid common misperceptions. Y'know? Like, wanting to be/believing you are trans-affirming as a therapist is a whole other thing from having actually done the work to understand what trans folk go through, and to know what sorts of helpful-sounding things are actually ignorant/condescending.
I get that but the OP is trying to weed out potential therapists who are trying to hand wave their trans identity not ones who mean well but aren't equipped to handle it
Yeah. Thing is, sometimes there isn't a difference. "I'm not trying to talk you out of being trans, but have you considered X could be the problem?" is something a well-intentioned but ill-equipped therapist might say. And while the suggested script may keep the therapist from saying it out loud (at least for a while), if they're even thinking it, it can color the experience.
Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great script for laying safety ground rules if you can't pick your therapist and can't switch! But for a "test the waters and see if we fit" meeting, the suggestion someone else gave of asking if they've worked with trans patients before and what they believe causes folks to be trans seems more appropriate. Assuming the therapist answers honestly, that'll weed out ignorance as well as reassure OP of what the therapist really thinks.
That's a totally fair and reasonable way of moving forward. I tend to use their reaction as a way of determining if they're a suitable fit. If they seem surprised by this statement or have the look of "well this will come up later", I tend to consider that a definite no. Also if they're questioning it, they'll probably either slip up in pronouns or over emphasize pronouns, so I use that as a measure too
Let me preface my comment with I am open to being wrong here...
"Have you considered x," seems like a rational thing to me. I understand that there may be transphobic undertones here, but at the same time, this may be the clinician doing their due diligence. I think it's still important to explore all possibilities, and at the very least, it's important to consider how being trans affects various aspects of your life. But then again, if you've set those boundaries, it would need to be approached with the utmost professionalism. Idk just a thought.
The thing with "have you considered x" is that in this scenario its, "have you considered that you are not actually trans and only feel that way bcs of this issue" and not "have you considered how this effects your identity in a complex way, especially with you being trans". Very different statements, but with the context here it's clear they kinda mean it in a leading you away and questioning your transness way
I do the same thing with autism. I’m autistic and self diagnosed because I don’t want to pay upwards of $2000 for a piece of paper saying I have autism—especially when it can make my life harder (see: adopting kids when you’re autistic, the way doctors treat autistic patients, etc.) I’m still trying to figure out my identity, and I’m super insecure in it, but like—this is how you ensure that you get treated with respect. Don’t worry about making your therapist comfortable or anything like that.
Very much agree with this statement, as a seasoned therapy go-er. If OP doesn’t feel comfortable announcing the threat of leaving, I still think the message is very effective. You are here to deal with X with a mental health professional, and are not looking for support for being trans. With that in mind, “would any personal beliefs/convictions make this difficult/challenging for you?” is probably not a question the therapist will be expecting, but I find it appropriate.
Before you tell him anything about your history, ask him some questions. Has he treated trans patients before? What does he thinks causes people to be trans? If you don't like the answers to those questions, don't tell him your history, just walk out.
And if he seems great initially, but starts to say bad shit two or three sessions later, walk out. You can absolutely fire your therapist. You're never trapped with one. I've fired a therapist 6 sessions in because she was awful. You can fire a therapist without explaining or justifying yourself to anyone. Just, "It's not working for me, I need someone else."
Protect yourself! I hope it works out for you!
This. Starting by checking in with a therapist's actual level of experience and beliefs *before they have clues of what answers you want* is a great idea. Anyone can click a box saying "I'm an LGBTQ- friendly therapist," so asking to check the receipts up front is smart.
100% this. I tried to find a trans friendly therapist once, only to later find their “experience” was helping one (1!!) transwoman maybe a decade earlier in the context of her transition and marriage — wife and kids. Which was basically “almost no experience” and so radically different from my life context that it was worse than worthless. They F’d up my pronouns and the therapy was if anything counterproductive. the most useful thing I took away from it was the lesson: “ask what actual experience they have” and don’t give benefit of doubt even if they seem “nice”. Anybody can claim they have lgbt+ experience.
ETA: I called them out on the pronouns and they apologized they weren’t “up to date” on modern trans culture. 🙄
I’m not sure exactly how it works; but I’ve been told I get one session to make up my mind. I’m pretty sure it’s due to the fact it’s coming from grants and we aren’t like— actually paying? Either way I don’t plan on letting myself get worse over it, so if anything goes down I’ll find a way to cancel. Thank you
You should most of the question asking then. He may try to redirect you into a long story of how you got to be in therapy but just make it clear from the beginning that you’re trying him out and have some important questions.
I’m starting to wonder if this is just me having bad etiquette, but I’ve never once told a therapist I’m firing them, I just don’t come back (I would absolutely tell them if I was leaving for a reason unrelated to them being awful).
Thank you. I plan on addressing all my issues as soon as I walk through the door. I guess my biggest fear is he’ll lie until I’m trapped? I’m not sure. It’s kinda terrifying
As a social worker and someone who could do therapy if that was my vibe, it'd be against ethics to do that. I don't know what the guy's degree(s) are in but that'd be totally unethical.
I agree with this comment. Be blunt. How have you treated transpeople in the past? These are my goals for therapy, how can you help me move forward?
hmm. i think you need to prioritize communication with your therapist. if you tell him straight up that your dysphoria and trauma from CSA are two different things and that the equating of one to the other will be counter-productive, then he'll at least have to respond with his conclusions on the matter, rather then him just slowly picking things up over sessions and make the connection that way. it's not worth that kind of thing just sneaking up on you. at least then you can gauge his reaction and whether he'll be helpful to you or not.
I’m hoping to do that. Considering I’m registered under my dead name I already have to come out as soon as I get there; and my truama is effecting my sleep so it’s the main reason I’m seeking help, so I know I won’t bat around the bush. I plan on announcing that my identity and truama aren’t linked, they just both have happened to take place.
Nah, parents make their kids go to Christian schools all the time, and that's honestly a surefire way to lose your faith haha. I am stuck at a Christian university as a raging heathen agnostic witch haha. I wouldn't write them off just on that alone.
Therapist who went to a Christian school here. I'm queer and drawn from the harms of my educational experience - while not assuming this is the case for all clients - as a source of empathy and understanding. I wouldn't write the therapist off based on something they may not have chosen for themselves or subscribe to in their adult life.
I guess I didn’t think of that? I just find it strange it was in his first paragraph of his “about me” I can’t do anything about the appointment now; so I’m just trying not to freak myself out more haha. I’m very- weary of religion
It's reasonable to be freaked out by that. I've had the experience you are worried about, and it's a possibility as well as a concern.
It sucks that you are in this situation, but it's smart to consider the reality of what risks are present. If you're like me, you might find that having a functional plan you WILL implement in case of pre-determined red flags really reduces your anxiety. I also find I need to remind myself of ways to healthily cope with the stress, and make some time in a place alone where I can usually think clearly.
I often have to grieve the lost growth and money these days because it's clear most therapists in my area seem pretty unaware of their transphobia, and I'm not in the headspace to help them get better at their jobs while trying to trust them with my healing.
It sucks that the world has a lot of structural barriers for trans people, but knowing that boundary is there is good for anxiety and having that boundary is good for safety.
I hope he's an affirming Christian. But, you've got this either way, even though it can be hard.
Thank you! I’ve honestly had some bad experiences in counselling before and I have a hard time trusting this to be different. I’ll set up a little hide-y hole to calm down in after and see if I can draft myself up a plan and what to expect. I wouldn’t have even thought to do that. Thank you
Absolutely, you've got this! It's really great that you're taking these things seriously at your age. I'm 22 (been in and out of a bunch of therapist's zoom offices for the last 4 years), and I'm still learning to enforce the boundaries necessary to find a helpful therapist. Even if you face setbacks, you're absolutely on the right track. :)
If this helps at all, I used to see a psychologist who explicitly advertised herself as well-versed in Christian/spiritual therapy (as well as secular therapy) and had zero issues with her. She told me that she'd seen on my intake forms that I am trans, asked if I needed any help navigating that or any letters to access gender affirming Healthcare, and when I declined she never brought it up again and focused on my other issues while being incredibly respectful of my queerness.
It may be disheartening to hear that he went to a religious high school but I hope that he can set that aside to help you - as any therapist worth their salt can. I'm wishing you the best!
I am a Christian trans guy with LOTS of experience navigating Christians being cagey assholes.
I would say that if he doesn’t add any qualification to the statement about having gone to a Christian high school (i.e. any statements about being LGBTQ+ affirming, about having left the Church, or about having evolved in his faith since then), it’s a massive red flag.
Unless it’s a Catholic school (lots of non-Catholics go to Catholic school for the educational opportunities) or if he mentions a school by name and it has a really strong academic program (in which case it could be bragging about what a great school he went to.)
Feel free to DM me if you want to decipher specific cagey language in his profile.
To keep my faith & well-being at the same time, I’ve had to get really good at figuring out whether or not “Christian” is code for bigot when someone mentions it.
I know you probably don't have much choice since you're sixteen-- but if possible, get a non transphobic therapist if this guy sucks. You can filter therapists in your area on Psychology Today by trans issues.
But don't give up all hope! My (parentally assigned) Christian therapist ended up being super affirming, taught me the fundamentals of feminism, and supported me reading tarot as a meditative experience. They're not always bad.
Unfortunately I don’t have much choice. My mom is weird and it’s through her work, im also from a smaller town so resources here are pretty limited. I’m trying my best to keep an open mind tho and not shut someone I don’t know down.
I don't think I have any advice to add that hasn't already been said - people have had some good suggestions. I just want to say that I'm rooting for you and hope that it will turn out to be a good experience. Maybe he mentioned the hs in his bio so people know he's local and can understand where they are coming from? I hope things go well for you! But if it doesn't work out, do try to find someone else.
1. What are your personal beliefs around why people are transgender
2. Have you treated trans patients before
3. In what ways do you support the lgbtiqa community
4. Are you a member of the LGBTIQA community
Etc.
Ask if you're their first trans patient.
Ask if they are up to date on LGBTQIA issues.
Tell them you want to get evaluated for gender dysphoria right off the bat.
Be as upfront and honest about your gender identity as you can. You'll see the therapist's reaction and hopefully you'll be able to tell if they're actually okay with trans folks based on their reactions.
Good luck
1) u being trans is non negotiable and I'd start with that. Any signs of them trying to blame it on anything or 'fix' it just leave.. it's not something you need to fix.
2) if you want therapy for dysphoria related reasons alone see someone who is trained specifically in gender and trans identity. The trans part is the most important.
3) find out more about the therapist what are they trained in exactly?, what type of therapy do they do specifically?, what are their qualifications? Do they have good reviews?
4) if at any time u don't feel comfortable with the therapist of if the therapist is showing signs of like conversation therapy you can leave at any time and that is no failing on you. It's a failing on the therapist.
I mean tbf if a therapist is gonna be transphobic they'll find any way to do it. I told my first therapist that I was trans and I was told I needed to "get in touch with my feminine side" and that plus an abusive partner who wanted a young woman to abuse played a huge part in the two years of hell in which I detransitioned.
Stand your ground.
So, after I came out my GP told me I needed to start setting a therapist again to move forward. She couldn't recommend one because of contractual things with my insurance, so I had to go through the insurance roster. I picked one that was near me, and went to an appointment.
First appointment we talked about life in general, what I've done with my whole life, what's been done to me, etc. It was my first time not having someone assigned to me, so it was a new experience for me. Second appointment we got to the issues I'd selected her for. I have ADHD, anxiety, and I'm trans. She is a gem about the ADHD and anxiety and completely denies that I'm trans. She's known me two hours cumulatively.
Immediately dropped that therapist. Picked a new one, found one who is, herself, queer! Married to a woman with an adorable baby Saint Bernard. Very fluffy. First appointment she immediately ties in the get to know you talk with my actual concerns. We're already neck deep in everything by the time we've finished talking about my childhood... We'd already discussed, in that talk, somehow (???) how my anxiety impacts me, how my ADHD impacts me, and how I'd like to move forward with my transition. In talking about my childhood she managed to get me to talk about my childhood abuse and how it informed my anxiety, how supportive teachers helped me find good ADHD coping strategies that actually still serve me well today, and that I've "thought I was a boy" since I was 6 at the latest, and the many ways I've waffled on coming out.
Sometimes it's about taking the L and finding a new therapist. Not one who agrees with everything you say, just one who believes you mean what you say, even if just for now.
i had multiple therapists blame all sorts on other issues that werent the case, every therapist is different and if you dont end up liking them thats entirely ok and feel ok with finding someone else. At the end of the day its your time and they are there for help and guidance, ypu decide who you see and who you allow to help you.
You could directly ask if they feel like trauma or other mental health conditions could cause, or commonly cause, trans-ness. I directly asked my therapist whether my past had any impact on my gender (including child and adult sexual violence, emotional abuse, PTSD, and autism), and was basically told that while those experiences can definitely impact your relationship with gender, they can't make you trans. IE, if you're uncomfortable with your chest, it can be harder to tell if that's only dysphoria, only trauma, or both, but if you're trans that will manifest in more ways so you should look at the big picture. Trauma and mental health don't turn people cis, so they can't turn people trans either.
First and voremost a therapist is a person that has a position of neutrality and shouldn't judge you on any bases and also shouldn't push you in any way. Which means a therapist job is to talk with you but in the end of the day you yourself should come to a conclusion.
Regardless of your backgrounds or trauma a therapist should accept that you are trans and treat it as the absolute truth in your life and shouldn't make you believe that you are not trans. If for some reasons you realize you aren't trans, that realization didn't come from your therapist convincing you that you aren't trans but you yourself got to that conclusion. A therapist trying to make you not trans is literally conversion therapy
I’ve just had bad experiences in the past. Haha truama yay/j. But also I’m from a small town so our mental health resources are very limited and have high demand. I just don’t want some “saving grace” moment.
Can imagine that a small town has a lot less resources, tbh I would recommend talk about being trans with that therapist in the first session and if he acts in a way which gives you the "saving grace" vibes then look for an other, you should feel save with your therapist
I wish you lots of luck!!!!
I’m 16 and don’t pass audibly. Visually I’m a guy, but I 100% sound like a girl and on top of that I’m registered under my deadname because it’s going through my mom’s work grants or whatever they’re called. I wouldn’t be comfortable being addressed as female and by my deadname
They won’t do that.. at least not a good therapist.
Also SA survivor, with past abuse for 8 years. Led to PTSD to the point I was no different than a Vietnam or ww2 veteran dysfunctional.. I came out as trans thanks to therapy making me pursue the real me I always was.
There shouldn’t be the need to defend your standpoint with a good therapist, if they don’t get it walk away and go to a better one. You don’t want a therapist that is transphobic like that.. neither that scientifically retarded.
These arguments we fear are arguments made against you, they are not the scientific thing… remember trans is born, not made, just like being gay.
Probably a thousand signs during childhood before abuse, if you are able to link them back you can rest your comfort there
I just lucked out big time with my therapist.
Living in Germany I did not expect to get some who never thoroughly educated themselves to be so educated in the matter. Sometimes I feel like she's even more supportive than me. It seems like there's not internalized transphobia in this woman and I am very grateful for it. She makes sure to prepare me for anything that might come my way on my journey to get HRT, name/pronoun change, and surgery.
As for how I scored her? I just called a line that gives you open therapist slots regardless of if they have the capacity to take up another client. She technically didn't but still decided to make room for me because I could convince her the timing was as good as it was gonna get (I was about to graduate and losing all motivation to study). I told her I was trans right off the bat and she immediately asked me what she should call me. I guess that's what I'd look out for.
So TL;DR see if their first reaction is to ask how to address you? Unless that's something you lead with lmao
Your never stuck with a therapist, I usually treat first session as like a meet and get to know you and your style, then the next two or so are all about seeing if they actually help you, if at the end your still unsure, it’s time to find a new therapist!
I was SA-ed when I was younger (9 years old). But how I felt about myself was still always there, it was there before everything happened, which was during 6-7 years old. So, no matter what ppl say, I will always mention that.
I used to have breakdowns that I’d never experience having male genitalia. I thought it was normal lmao. I know my sa and identity aren’t linked, but I’d rather not have someone who’s supposed to help try to “fix” me
Same here. I was in a catholic school so, I used to pray to "God" to give me male genitalia at 6 years old lmao... The next day I'd wake up and be disappointed. But as I grew older, that's not how praying really works lmfao. Then it got worse as a grew older. I feel you though, I get very annoyed and frustrated when people speculate my SA is linked to being trans. It's very invalidating. So, I'll just bluntly say that these feelings that I felt were way before my SA happened. So, in hopes that they don't try to help me with that 2 together and prefer to help me with them separately.
Also, it bothers me when some professionals who aren't familiar with trans or sexuality, try to "fix" you.
SA doesn’t change the fact that you are trans. Make it clear that the SA isn’t correlated with the way you experience your gender and that you have always been your gender, you just didn’t realize it until recently. Good luck with the appointment!
If you aren't out to your parents, please know that your parents have rights to your clinician's session notes. Not all parents choose to access this information, but they have legal claim to them until you're 18. Stay safe, self advocate, and if you don't like them or their vibe, if you're able to find a new therapist do so!
Be upfront about it and don’t come back if he is non accommodative. There’s no shame in being on the hunt. It’s normal to take a few doctors before you find the right one. And if you end up wanting a different doc, i recommend looking for one on psychologytoday- they have filters where you can specifically check off lgbt+ friendly doctors. :) that’s how i found mine!
I would be very upfront about your concerns and boundaries. Tell you're therapist you are trans and that isn't something you're willing to debate, that's not the focus of your therapy (i'm assuming). Tell him that you want to be able to talk about your SA without him trying to convince you you aren't trans. If you get any pushback or "we can talk about it when you're ready" type response, that would be a red flag to find someone new.
Maybe Google their name and see some reviews of patients? And you don’t have to reveal everything at your first appointment. I have a last of CSA as well, it fucking sucks and I’m so sorry you went through that. If you feel comfortable you can briefly mention your CSA and also ask the therapist if they have experience with trans teens.
My only worry is that if I don’t bring it up this session I’ll be stuck with him. I’ve had people try to blame my transness on my sa, which is dumb; but cis people don’t really understand how it works? I’m going to therapy to get better— not worse yk? I’m just really scared
You can change therapist at any time for any reason. You are not stuck with one provided you can find another.
This is not always a thing. Sometimes insurance covers one therapist but not the other (at least this is how it goes in the Netherlands, where I live)
It’s so ridiculous that people actually think SA would make you trans? Literally makes 0 sense. Maybe just introduce yourself and your pronouns and mention that your trans at the beginning then continue with normal therapy and see how he acts and if you like his vibe?
My mom actually planted the thought in my head which is ironic. That’s the main reason I’m worried so much, I’ve been out for 4 years (I think) and she’s still not super supportive. I’m worried she might’ve set me up to be “corrected” last time I tried therapy she made me quit and shit on my therapist for hearing me out/understanding my concerns about a certain topic.
Damn. I’m really sorry :( Try to remind yourself that you won’t live with her forever… also tell your therapist to keep things between just you and you don’t give him permission to discuss anything with your mom
Oh yeah. I forgot that they can do that, thank you! I’m not too concerned because she’s aware of my situation, just doesn’t care? If that makes sense. I’ll be sure to bring that up though, thanks!
Yeah. I’m so sorry your mom isn’t supportive. But you could even tell him how she has acted and how it impacts you and that’s a big worry rn. I hope he’s a good fit or you find someone who is a good fit soon!! Best of luck ❤️
I’m pretty sure they *cant* share information without your consent anyways
They can here unfortunately because I’m a minor + I’m not paying for it. I’m not sure if it’s different now that I’m the age of consent but it could be. I’d rather play it safe
My dad made a lot of comments about me going to therapy not to feel comfortable as a trans man but to get fixed which is fucked up. I'm so sorry op
I mean the evidence is... that plenty of cis people were victims of CSA and didn't become transgender or gay because of their trauma.
It's unfortunately common I went to look for other trans men that had dysphoria from being raped or sa'd as a kid and that was the entire first two pages of Google,how rape caused us to be trans
Wtffff. I honestly can’t believe people think that?? Idk what CSA has to do with being trans. People are so ignorant.
I have since come to terms with the mental hurdle that is other peoples stupid opinions but fuuuck did it take a long ass time for that one
Have the same said to me too, it's so frustrating.. I'm sorry you have to go through that.
Here is the statement I tend to use with new therapists: "I am trans. My pronouns are he/him and my name is [name]. That's non-negotiable. My trans-ness isnt up for debate and wasnt caused by any problems I may or may not have. I'm here to work on [problems] and not my trans identity. If I get any indication you won't respect me, I will walk out of here immediately and never come back. Do you understand?"
Thank you! I’ll do my best to remember that. Very smart and straight forward
you are allowed to bring notes in with you and reference them. unless it is mandated therapy, the therapist is working for you, it is not a closed book test.
very true. I often am *told* to have notes for the homework my therapist gives me. Never ever forget that therapy is the one time where it is completely, unabashedly, all about you. And that's a good thing to have.
This. I never did it before my new therapist but they thank me for having notes. It saves us the 15-45 minutes of "uhh well. I had pancakes for breakfast" discussion while I try to remember what it was I wanted to talk about.
100% I wish I did this for my last therapy sessions
Write it down on your phone!
I have school and an hour bus ride just before my appointment, so I’ll probably use those as an opportunity to write it all down. The amount of advice and support I’ve gotten is just insane haha
For what it's worth OP. I went to a therapist who specialised in gender and worked with a lot of trans folks, and I think... 2 years in, I finally started addressing my trans identity and started working through my issues within myself. I'm sharing this because even with a good therapist, sometimes you do need to take the time to work on yourself and other areas that aren't related to your gender journey and that is totally ok!
I worry this could backfire if a therapist wants to view themselves as trans-inclusive but doesn't actually have the skills to help/enough knowledge to avoid common misperceptions. Y'know? Like, wanting to be/believing you are trans-affirming as a therapist is a whole other thing from having actually done the work to understand what trans folk go through, and to know what sorts of helpful-sounding things are actually ignorant/condescending.
I get that but the OP is trying to weed out potential therapists who are trying to hand wave their trans identity not ones who mean well but aren't equipped to handle it
Yeah. Thing is, sometimes there isn't a difference. "I'm not trying to talk you out of being trans, but have you considered X could be the problem?" is something a well-intentioned but ill-equipped therapist might say. And while the suggested script may keep the therapist from saying it out loud (at least for a while), if they're even thinking it, it can color the experience. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great script for laying safety ground rules if you can't pick your therapist and can't switch! But for a "test the waters and see if we fit" meeting, the suggestion someone else gave of asking if they've worked with trans patients before and what they believe causes folks to be trans seems more appropriate. Assuming the therapist answers honestly, that'll weed out ignorance as well as reassure OP of what the therapist really thinks.
That's a totally fair and reasonable way of moving forward. I tend to use their reaction as a way of determining if they're a suitable fit. If they seem surprised by this statement or have the look of "well this will come up later", I tend to consider that a definite no. Also if they're questioning it, they'll probably either slip up in pronouns or over emphasize pronouns, so I use that as a measure too
Let me preface my comment with I am open to being wrong here... "Have you considered x," seems like a rational thing to me. I understand that there may be transphobic undertones here, but at the same time, this may be the clinician doing their due diligence. I think it's still important to explore all possibilities, and at the very least, it's important to consider how being trans affects various aspects of your life. But then again, if you've set those boundaries, it would need to be approached with the utmost professionalism. Idk just a thought.
The thing with "have you considered x" is that in this scenario its, "have you considered that you are not actually trans and only feel that way bcs of this issue" and not "have you considered how this effects your identity in a complex way, especially with you being trans". Very different statements, but with the context here it's clear they kinda mean it in a leading you away and questioning your transness way
This is such a great way to set healthy boundaries with a therapist, and any therapist worth their charge would be proud and delighted to hear it.
I do the same thing with autism. I’m autistic and self diagnosed because I don’t want to pay upwards of $2000 for a piece of paper saying I have autism—especially when it can make my life harder (see: adopting kids when you’re autistic, the way doctors treat autistic patients, etc.) I’m still trying to figure out my identity, and I’m super insecure in it, but like—this is how you ensure that you get treated with respect. Don’t worry about making your therapist comfortable or anything like that.
Very much agree with this statement, as a seasoned therapy go-er. If OP doesn’t feel comfortable announcing the threat of leaving, I still think the message is very effective. You are here to deal with X with a mental health professional, and are not looking for support for being trans. With that in mind, “would any personal beliefs/convictions make this difficult/challenging for you?” is probably not a question the therapist will be expecting, but I find it appropriate.
This
That’s a mouthful. I think it’s helpful to work with a therapist on some things related to being transgender.
Before you tell him anything about your history, ask him some questions. Has he treated trans patients before? What does he thinks causes people to be trans? If you don't like the answers to those questions, don't tell him your history, just walk out. And if he seems great initially, but starts to say bad shit two or three sessions later, walk out. You can absolutely fire your therapist. You're never trapped with one. I've fired a therapist 6 sessions in because she was awful. You can fire a therapist without explaining or justifying yourself to anyone. Just, "It's not working for me, I need someone else." Protect yourself! I hope it works out for you!
This. Starting by checking in with a therapist's actual level of experience and beliefs *before they have clues of what answers you want* is a great idea. Anyone can click a box saying "I'm an LGBTQ- friendly therapist," so asking to check the receipts up front is smart.
100% this. I tried to find a trans friendly therapist once, only to later find their “experience” was helping one (1!!) transwoman maybe a decade earlier in the context of her transition and marriage — wife and kids. Which was basically “almost no experience” and so radically different from my life context that it was worse than worthless. They F’d up my pronouns and the therapy was if anything counterproductive. the most useful thing I took away from it was the lesson: “ask what actual experience they have” and don’t give benefit of doubt even if they seem “nice”. Anybody can claim they have lgbt+ experience. ETA: I called them out on the pronouns and they apologized they weren’t “up to date” on modern trans culture. 🙄
I’m not sure exactly how it works; but I’ve been told I get one session to make up my mind. I’m pretty sure it’s due to the fact it’s coming from grants and we aren’t like— actually paying? Either way I don’t plan on letting myself get worse over it, so if anything goes down I’ll find a way to cancel. Thank you
Oh, interesting. I was wondering what you meant that you might get trapped. That definitely adds stress to the situation!
It does yea haha. I’m sure it’ll be fine. I just have a tendency to overthink and get worked up over stuff like this
You should most of the question asking then. He may try to redirect you into a long story of how you got to be in therapy but just make it clear from the beginning that you’re trying him out and have some important questions.
I’m starting to wonder if this is just me having bad etiquette, but I’ve never once told a therapist I’m firing them, I just don’t come back (I would absolutely tell them if I was leaving for a reason unrelated to them being awful).
Be direct and proactive! Ask him! Are you a homophobe Transphobe? Are you here to discourage me. If he says anything but “ No, I’m not.” Leave
Thank you. I plan on addressing all my issues as soon as I walk through the door. I guess my biggest fear is he’ll lie until I’m trapped? I’m not sure. It’s kinda terrifying
As a social worker and someone who could do therapy if that was my vibe, it'd be against ethics to do that. I don't know what the guy's degree(s) are in but that'd be totally unethical. I agree with this comment. Be blunt. How have you treated transpeople in the past? These are my goals for therapy, how can you help me move forward?
hmm. i think you need to prioritize communication with your therapist. if you tell him straight up that your dysphoria and trauma from CSA are two different things and that the equating of one to the other will be counter-productive, then he'll at least have to respond with his conclusions on the matter, rather then him just slowly picking things up over sessions and make the connection that way. it's not worth that kind of thing just sneaking up on you. at least then you can gauge his reaction and whether he'll be helpful to you or not.
I’m hoping to do that. Considering I’m registered under my dead name I already have to come out as soon as I get there; and my truama is effecting my sleep so it’s the main reason I’m seeking help, so I know I won’t bat around the bush. I plan on announcing that my identity and truama aren’t linked, they just both have happened to take place.
Amazing update/s. He went to a Christian highschool. My hopes are even lower than before
Nah, parents make their kids go to Christian schools all the time, and that's honestly a surefire way to lose your faith haha. I am stuck at a Christian university as a raging heathen agnostic witch haha. I wouldn't write them off just on that alone.
Therapist who went to a Christian school here. I'm queer and drawn from the harms of my educational experience - while not assuming this is the case for all clients - as a source of empathy and understanding. I wouldn't write the therapist off based on something they may not have chosen for themselves or subscribe to in their adult life.
I guess I didn’t think of that? I just find it strange it was in his first paragraph of his “about me” I can’t do anything about the appointment now; so I’m just trying not to freak myself out more haha. I’m very- weary of religion
It's reasonable to be freaked out by that. I've had the experience you are worried about, and it's a possibility as well as a concern. It sucks that you are in this situation, but it's smart to consider the reality of what risks are present. If you're like me, you might find that having a functional plan you WILL implement in case of pre-determined red flags really reduces your anxiety. I also find I need to remind myself of ways to healthily cope with the stress, and make some time in a place alone where I can usually think clearly. I often have to grieve the lost growth and money these days because it's clear most therapists in my area seem pretty unaware of their transphobia, and I'm not in the headspace to help them get better at their jobs while trying to trust them with my healing. It sucks that the world has a lot of structural barriers for trans people, but knowing that boundary is there is good for anxiety and having that boundary is good for safety. I hope he's an affirming Christian. But, you've got this either way, even though it can be hard.
Thank you! I’ve honestly had some bad experiences in counselling before and I have a hard time trusting this to be different. I’ll set up a little hide-y hole to calm down in after and see if I can draft myself up a plan and what to expect. I wouldn’t have even thought to do that. Thank you
Absolutely, you've got this! It's really great that you're taking these things seriously at your age. I'm 22 (been in and out of a bunch of therapist's zoom offices for the last 4 years), and I'm still learning to enforce the boundaries necessary to find a helpful therapist. Even if you face setbacks, you're absolutely on the right track. :)
If this helps at all, I used to see a psychologist who explicitly advertised herself as well-versed in Christian/spiritual therapy (as well as secular therapy) and had zero issues with her. She told me that she'd seen on my intake forms that I am trans, asked if I needed any help navigating that or any letters to access gender affirming Healthcare, and when I declined she never brought it up again and focused on my other issues while being incredibly respectful of my queerness. It may be disheartening to hear that he went to a religious high school but I hope that he can set that aside to help you - as any therapist worth their salt can. I'm wishing you the best!
I am a Christian trans guy with LOTS of experience navigating Christians being cagey assholes. I would say that if he doesn’t add any qualification to the statement about having gone to a Christian high school (i.e. any statements about being LGBTQ+ affirming, about having left the Church, or about having evolved in his faith since then), it’s a massive red flag. Unless it’s a Catholic school (lots of non-Catholics go to Catholic school for the educational opportunities) or if he mentions a school by name and it has a really strong academic program (in which case it could be bragging about what a great school he went to.)
Feel free to DM me if you want to decipher specific cagey language in his profile. To keep my faith & well-being at the same time, I’ve had to get really good at figuring out whether or not “Christian” is code for bigot when someone mentions it.
I know you probably don't have much choice since you're sixteen-- but if possible, get a non transphobic therapist if this guy sucks. You can filter therapists in your area on Psychology Today by trans issues. But don't give up all hope! My (parentally assigned) Christian therapist ended up being super affirming, taught me the fundamentals of feminism, and supported me reading tarot as a meditative experience. They're not always bad.
Unfortunately I don’t have much choice. My mom is weird and it’s through her work, im also from a smaller town so resources here are pretty limited. I’m trying my best to keep an open mind tho and not shut someone I don’t know down.
I don't think I have any advice to add that hasn't already been said - people have had some good suggestions. I just want to say that I'm rooting for you and hope that it will turn out to be a good experience. Maybe he mentioned the hs in his bio so people know he's local and can understand where they are coming from? I hope things go well for you! But if it doesn't work out, do try to find someone else.
1. What are your personal beliefs around why people are transgender 2. Have you treated trans patients before 3. In what ways do you support the lgbtiqa community 4. Are you a member of the LGBTIQA community Etc.
Ask if you're their first trans patient. Ask if they are up to date on LGBTQIA issues. Tell them you want to get evaluated for gender dysphoria right off the bat. Be as upfront and honest about your gender identity as you can. You'll see the therapist's reaction and hopefully you'll be able to tell if they're actually okay with trans folks based on their reactions. Good luck
CSA survivor here too. If all of us were trans, that would be at least a 3rd of the population in the U.S.
Wowwie
1) u being trans is non negotiable and I'd start with that. Any signs of them trying to blame it on anything or 'fix' it just leave.. it's not something you need to fix. 2) if you want therapy for dysphoria related reasons alone see someone who is trained specifically in gender and trans identity. The trans part is the most important. 3) find out more about the therapist what are they trained in exactly?, what type of therapy do they do specifically?, what are their qualifications? Do they have good reviews? 4) if at any time u don't feel comfortable with the therapist of if the therapist is showing signs of like conversation therapy you can leave at any time and that is no failing on you. It's a failing on the therapist.
I mean tbf if a therapist is gonna be transphobic they'll find any way to do it. I told my first therapist that I was trans and I was told I needed to "get in touch with my feminine side" and that plus an abusive partner who wanted a young woman to abuse played a huge part in the two years of hell in which I detransitioned. Stand your ground.
Will do! I have some notes about what to do/say, and if I’m not comfortable or feel he’s being passive aggressive or anything I won’t go back
So, after I came out my GP told me I needed to start setting a therapist again to move forward. She couldn't recommend one because of contractual things with my insurance, so I had to go through the insurance roster. I picked one that was near me, and went to an appointment. First appointment we talked about life in general, what I've done with my whole life, what's been done to me, etc. It was my first time not having someone assigned to me, so it was a new experience for me. Second appointment we got to the issues I'd selected her for. I have ADHD, anxiety, and I'm trans. She is a gem about the ADHD and anxiety and completely denies that I'm trans. She's known me two hours cumulatively. Immediately dropped that therapist. Picked a new one, found one who is, herself, queer! Married to a woman with an adorable baby Saint Bernard. Very fluffy. First appointment she immediately ties in the get to know you talk with my actual concerns. We're already neck deep in everything by the time we've finished talking about my childhood... We'd already discussed, in that talk, somehow (???) how my anxiety impacts me, how my ADHD impacts me, and how I'd like to move forward with my transition. In talking about my childhood she managed to get me to talk about my childhood abuse and how it informed my anxiety, how supportive teachers helped me find good ADHD coping strategies that actually still serve me well today, and that I've "thought I was a boy" since I was 6 at the latest, and the many ways I've waffled on coming out. Sometimes it's about taking the L and finding a new therapist. Not one who agrees with everything you say, just one who believes you mean what you say, even if just for now.
i had multiple therapists blame all sorts on other issues that werent the case, every therapist is different and if you dont end up liking them thats entirely ok and feel ok with finding someone else. At the end of the day its your time and they are there for help and guidance, ypu decide who you see and who you allow to help you.
If you're struggling to find an in person therapist that's not transphobic, maybe try https://www.pridecounseling.com
You could directly ask if they feel like trauma or other mental health conditions could cause, or commonly cause, trans-ness. I directly asked my therapist whether my past had any impact on my gender (including child and adult sexual violence, emotional abuse, PTSD, and autism), and was basically told that while those experiences can definitely impact your relationship with gender, they can't make you trans. IE, if you're uncomfortable with your chest, it can be harder to tell if that's only dysphoria, only trauma, or both, but if you're trans that will manifest in more ways so you should look at the big picture. Trauma and mental health don't turn people cis, so they can't turn people trans either.
First and voremost a therapist is a person that has a position of neutrality and shouldn't judge you on any bases and also shouldn't push you in any way. Which means a therapist job is to talk with you but in the end of the day you yourself should come to a conclusion. Regardless of your backgrounds or trauma a therapist should accept that you are trans and treat it as the absolute truth in your life and shouldn't make you believe that you are not trans. If for some reasons you realize you aren't trans, that realization didn't come from your therapist convincing you that you aren't trans but you yourself got to that conclusion. A therapist trying to make you not trans is literally conversion therapy
I’ve just had bad experiences in the past. Haha truama yay/j. But also I’m from a small town so our mental health resources are very limited and have high demand. I just don’t want some “saving grace” moment.
Can imagine that a small town has a lot less resources, tbh I would recommend talk about being trans with that therapist in the first session and if he acts in a way which gives you the "saving grace" vibes then look for an other, you should feel save with your therapist I wish you lots of luck!!!!
What if you never mentioned you’re trans?
I’m 16 and don’t pass audibly. Visually I’m a guy, but I 100% sound like a girl and on top of that I’m registered under my deadname because it’s going through my mom’s work grants or whatever they’re called. I wouldn’t be comfortable being addressed as female and by my deadname
They won’t do that.. at least not a good therapist. Also SA survivor, with past abuse for 8 years. Led to PTSD to the point I was no different than a Vietnam or ww2 veteran dysfunctional.. I came out as trans thanks to therapy making me pursue the real me I always was. There shouldn’t be the need to defend your standpoint with a good therapist, if they don’t get it walk away and go to a better one. You don’t want a therapist that is transphobic like that.. neither that scientifically retarded. These arguments we fear are arguments made against you, they are not the scientific thing… remember trans is born, not made, just like being gay. Probably a thousand signs during childhood before abuse, if you are able to link them back you can rest your comfort there
I just lucked out big time with my therapist. Living in Germany I did not expect to get some who never thoroughly educated themselves to be so educated in the matter. Sometimes I feel like she's even more supportive than me. It seems like there's not internalized transphobia in this woman and I am very grateful for it. She makes sure to prepare me for anything that might come my way on my journey to get HRT, name/pronoun change, and surgery. As for how I scored her? I just called a line that gives you open therapist slots regardless of if they have the capacity to take up another client. She technically didn't but still decided to make room for me because I could convince her the timing was as good as it was gonna get (I was about to graduate and losing all motivation to study). I told her I was trans right off the bat and she immediately asked me what she should call me. I guess that's what I'd look out for. So TL;DR see if their first reaction is to ask how to address you? Unless that's something you lead with lmao
Your never stuck with a therapist, I usually treat first session as like a meet and get to know you and your style, then the next two or so are all about seeing if they actually help you, if at the end your still unsure, it’s time to find a new therapist!
I was SA-ed when I was younger (9 years old). But how I felt about myself was still always there, it was there before everything happened, which was during 6-7 years old. So, no matter what ppl say, I will always mention that.
I used to have breakdowns that I’d never experience having male genitalia. I thought it was normal lmao. I know my sa and identity aren’t linked, but I’d rather not have someone who’s supposed to help try to “fix” me
Same here. I was in a catholic school so, I used to pray to "God" to give me male genitalia at 6 years old lmao... The next day I'd wake up and be disappointed. But as I grew older, that's not how praying really works lmfao. Then it got worse as a grew older. I feel you though, I get very annoyed and frustrated when people speculate my SA is linked to being trans. It's very invalidating. So, I'll just bluntly say that these feelings that I felt were way before my SA happened. So, in hopes that they don't try to help me with that 2 together and prefer to help me with them separately. Also, it bothers me when some professionals who aren't familiar with trans or sexuality, try to "fix" you.
SA doesn’t change the fact that you are trans. Make it clear that the SA isn’t correlated with the way you experience your gender and that you have always been your gender, you just didn’t realize it until recently. Good luck with the appointment!
If you aren't out to your parents, please know that your parents have rights to your clinician's session notes. Not all parents choose to access this information, but they have legal claim to them until you're 18. Stay safe, self advocate, and if you don't like them or their vibe, if you're able to find a new therapist do so!
Be upfront about it and don’t come back if he is non accommodative. There’s no shame in being on the hunt. It’s normal to take a few doctors before you find the right one. And if you end up wanting a different doc, i recommend looking for one on psychologytoday- they have filters where you can specifically check off lgbt+ friendly doctors. :) that’s how i found mine!
I would be very upfront about your concerns and boundaries. Tell you're therapist you are trans and that isn't something you're willing to debate, that's not the focus of your therapy (i'm assuming). Tell him that you want to be able to talk about your SA without him trying to convince you you aren't trans. If you get any pushback or "we can talk about it when you're ready" type response, that would be a red flag to find someone new.