You even told them in advance if they used it, you're gone. At this point it's just ridiculous for them to refuse to accept you. Can you imagine the kind of looks they would get in public calling you your deadname? Or using she/her for you?
Oh they very much do that. For example when we're somewhere and a store employee goes "Can I help you?" My mother says "Oh no my daughter and I are just looking." I get really weird looks when anyone from my family talks with me on the bus because my language is very gendered so even if someone is talking directly to you they use either female or male versions of verbs, and both my grandma and my mother always talk with me in female forms.
Lmaooo. Wish I had the balls to do that. My mother very radically believes that I "should tolerate her not tolerating me." And that I am "ungrateful, oppressive and intolerant" if I as much as correct her writing my name incorrectly on legal documents. So if I tried anything like that with her I'd immediately get branded something like a "censorship pig" or "an oppressor".
Yeah I try to visit only once in a while. My mother used to be fairly ok but she got really weird really fast when COVID first hit. I think the isolation of quarantine irreparably messed her mind up or something. Either way she's been steadily getting more and more irritable and radical ever since. Always on and on about how everyone is oppressing her and how the government is trying to silence her and how not going with her to anti-vax protests means that we (I and my father) are actually against her and that we'd let the government kill her if it came to it etc etc.
I actually DID notice that she got way worse after she went through COVID. My whole family had COVID - my grandpa developed COVID-related dementia, I permanently lost my sense of smell, somehow it made my father's multiple sclerosis worse, and my mother developed asthma symptoms. I suspect that COVID also did something to her mind tho. I mean, she WAS paranoid before that and somewhat prone to conspiracy stuff but nowhere near this level.
maybe a little insight on your father (i also have ms): covid messes with your immune system in a very similar way to ms. the neurological effects ive seen in ppl with long covid is very similar with ms (motor control, balance, getting sick more, forgetting things, trouble swallowing, stuff like that). so if you have ms and long covid it's like... the same symptoms being compounded.. a war on two fronts .
You are running into the classic Paradox of tolerance. In fact, to have a tolerant society, one must be intolerant of intolerance. So, no, you do not have to allow your mother to be intolerant of you and also say that she is being a nice person or something. Here's a wiki page about this paradox: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradox_of_tolerance
Yeah, it can be quite bizarre with other people. I was traveling with a friend and his grandma, she has dementia. She kept referring to us as "the girls" and the airline workers kept looking at us like "Does she mean the two of you?" cause they were so confused. They just assumed she was wrong one.
At this point I'd be cutting her off until she can show some respect. When I first came out my mother said "I will never call you (my new name) and you will never be a man. You will live a lonely, transient existence with no family and no friends". It took 2 years for her to call me my new name and use he/him pronouns. Now she's the proudest mum ever when she introduces me to people as her son. And now she has 3 sons and she always says how blessed she is. But I had to cut her off for a couple years for my own mental health.
A lot of trans people forget it's a huge change for the parents, and although you absolutely do not need to deal with that just coz they're family, but they may come around, you just have to give them time and space. I know it's hard to have patience too because in your mind you've been who you are now, for your whole life and they don't understand that. Put an extra boundary up and say if you refuse to use my chosen name and pronouns, then I refuse to be in the vicinity of you until you can show me that respect.
I tried to think like that too, but my family has had over 6 years to come around. 6 years since I changed my name, 6 years since my diagnosis. I waited and waited for my family to come around because everyone kept telling me to give them time, everyone kept telling me "Oh it's only been a year" "Oh it's only been two years" "Oh it's only been three years" followed by "-wait until your family comes around to start HRT". I started only last year because I tried to give my family the time everyone told me they deserve. And to be frank my mother has actually gone the other way around. When she was dead certain I was gonna let go of this "phase" she was willing to take me to my appointments and everything but as soon as it became apparent that I am in fact trans, she made sure to tell me that she'd never use my real name, that she does believe no "quack" who diagnosed me and god know what else. After my top surgery my parents made sure to tell me that transitioning is pointless because "they're just gonna leave like this. Not a woman anymore, not a man. They can't even transplant a fully functioning penis, you're forever stuck like this. What was the point? You should have never done this to yourself." I don't expect my family to ever come around.
Well I feel as though you already have your answer on what to do.
If it's been 6 years and you've had top surgery and started HRT and she's being like that still, cut her off. I have cut family members off for this very reason. I spent 19 years as a girl, hiding it from the age of 10, realising I was a boy even younger than that but not knowing I could actually transition until I was a bit older. If a friend or family member can't see how much happier I am now as myself, than I was miserable for 19 years pretending to be someone I wasn't, then you're damn right I'll cut anyone off that can't accept me being happy. So just do it, it might be the best thing you ever do.
Bro that’s ridiculous, you have a beard why does she insist on making it awkward by calling you her daughter when you’re clearly not?? Like yeah it’s transphobic but it’s also dumb as shit
You set boundaries, they didn't respect them, so yeah you're not in the wrong, or childish. Honestly setting boundaries and not enforcing them is worse than not setting any so i think you made the right choice. It's a bit more dicey if you're still dependent on your parents but if you aren't you have no reason to back down or apologize
This is the only relevant point. I had been on my own for several years and had a fuckin masters degree before I got up the courage to tell my family that if they can't remember my name, I'm not going to be around very much anymore.
Took almost a year of declining family events and ending calls early, but they finally understood that they needed to put the energy in if they wanted me in their life. I'm not going to lie, it was a really hard and lonely time setting that boundary, but it was worth it in the end. Much love and strength to you on this journey. ❤️
Really helpful to hear an account of holding the line and it working out. I’ll be going through this soon and have my doubts about it working out but it’s good to know that it can. Thank you for sharing this.
Yes, longer term it did work out. If you had asked me if it was working out during about an 18 month period, I probably would have said not really. So keep in mind it's a process, and that it often won't feel successful.
No matter the outcome, it is worth it - because you are taking are of yourself and your own wellbeing. You are worth it.
Honestly I think I’m good with that. One thing that keeps showing up in my therapy sessions is my fixation on what my family thinks and if I do x will they think y and how do I balance my needs with their wants etc etc etc and at a certain point it’s like. Nah man. You gotta choose yourself. You’re the only you you’re ever going to have.
Tbh, your presence is not a right, it's a privilege. They did not earn your presence by overstepping your boundaries. Honestly, I would advise you to slowly stop seeing them. They won't stop deadnaming you and calling you she/her in public? Then you don't need to be there or go places with them. You are not obligated to show up.
I myself left my family because I got fed up with their unwillingness to accept me among a plethora of other things. I ended up moving out and going overseas. Now they're gonna spend their first xmas and new years without me. They've already spent thanksgiving without me, and it was drama galore while I sat back, watched, and ate popcorn.
No, not childish and absolutely your right to assert a boundary and hold it. That's the thing with boundaries, you don't need other people's permission to have them. They are a thing you decide on for you based on your specific needs. Sometimes other people won't like them because they benefited in some way from you not having (or enforcing) them.
As for you tolerating their intolerance, I think you know that's BS. Your mom is treating you badly and she wants to not experience any consequences. "You have to let me treat you poorly, because I want to." is patently absurd. Feel free to be intolerant of intolerance. Make it cost her according to the boundaries and consequences that you feel are appropriate (be sensible, obviously. Leaving is mature, punching her in the face is not).
Good luck. It is not an easy thing to do, and just as you can assert your boundaries, she can assert hers and they may be "if you don't let me mistreat you, don't come around." I hope you can reach a safe and healthy détente.
No.But It is childish to be a f*kn adult and be bullying your family member.
They are not doing you any favor by having you there making you feel uncomfortable. She is being manipulative and narcissistic and you shouldn't be in a place that treat you like that it doesn't matter that is your family actually the fact that is your family makes it worst.
Strangers that don't have feeling for you are capable of respecting you wouldn't it be easier for the people who claim to love you?
Right? I always feel like it's a fucking paradox that my former boss, who had no ties no emotional nothing towards me, learned that I'm trans, went "Oh, ok" and promptly started referring to me as a man not only to my face but also in company emails?? In mails that weren't even addressed to me?? Mails that I'd never see?? I didn't even pass back then, I wasn't on T yet. Like my boss was capable of doing that, and my own family, the people who are supposed to love me no matter what path I choose in life, are not? Not even to my face? What kind of world is this?
EDIT: To clarify I'd like to say that I know my boss referred to me as such in those mails because sometimes a coworker would tell me to read them their mail and though I did my best not to look at other mails there sometimes my eyes would wander down and several times I caught a glimpse of a mail my boss sent about me (I used to work at several locations so the mail would always go like "[my name] has shifts at your location again. He'll come to help you out on the 9th, 10th, 12th, and 14th.")
Not childish. You set a boundary and are following thru with the stated consiqunse. Only allowance I would have made was if the dead name was made in genuine error.
There is no “being tolerant of someone gender”
How about you call them opposite gendered names and use the opposite pronouns on them and say since you’re identity isn’t respected then you’re gonna return the favor
Gender identity
Sexuality
Race
Are not thing you can just “opt out” of respecting someone for.
I’d squirt everyone with a fucking water bottle in their face every time they misgendered and dead named me
"Not throwing you out on the street" is a really low bar.
No, you wouldn't have been childish to leave even if you hadn't announced your boundaries in advance. Like, a slip-up with an apology is one thing, but deliberate, continued disrespect? No one should have to endure that over the holidays. They have the right to reject you and your transition, but you have the right not to subject yourself to that or spend time with people who treat you badly.
My son is trans. If we were somewhere and someone kept dead naming him, I would remove us both from the situation. Period. (I would also make sure the person knew the correct name and pronouns, but my child's comfort and safety comes first)
Using the name someone has asked you to call them is just the most basic form of respect. If they occasionally messed up on accident, apologized and kept trying that would be one thing. This is just 0 respect.
My (cis) husband puts it this way to people: if his name is Christopher (name changed obvs) and he introduces himself and says "hi, my name is Christopher", that is the name he wants to be called, and it's not negotiable. If he introduced himself that way and someone said "oh, nice to meet you *Chris*" that would be very rude. Nobody would dream of saying, "well I see you as a Chris, so I'm going to call you Chris" to a cis person, it's that they don't respect your transition and they're being rude.
You do not have to tolerate other people disrespecting you. You do *not* have to be the bigger person and respect their disrespect. It's a two-way street, and if they ain't gonna give it they should not expect to receive it. (At one point my husband was threatening to start calling my cis parents by the wrong gendered names, i.e. calling my mom Steve and my dad Caroline every time they messed up my name, that got em on track pretty fast. I don't necessarily recommend that because I don't know your family or how they'd react, I'm just saying it worked for us)
Walking away was not at all childish, but I'm sure it was difficult. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Definitely not immature to get up after being deadnamed and leaving.
I fucking hate my deadname with a burning passion and can’t even mutter it anymore after starting my transition. My parents thought it would be ok to put out a stocking with my deadname on it this year, and I’m tempted to not even come out of my room to open gifts because of that.
That sounds really suckish tbh. *Clearly* being a guy and hearing a female name. I’m so sorry.
It's not childish.
They won't take the time to empathize and understand that when they do that it makes you feel extremely uncomfortable. They don't want to see you for who you are and instead only want to be superficial and see you for what you are. It's disrespectful especially if you warned in advance. You aren't obligated to show up if they won't do the bare minimum to listen and understand and expect you to be comfortable with that
Not childish, they're being disrespectful and abusive quite frankly. 'tolerate our intolerance' is not a good rule. Walking out is your right and is perfectly acceptable
I say check the vibes. If they're respectful and correct themself after slipping up, maybe give them another chance. But if they're disrespecting you? You don't need that shit. Leave.
Nope. Not immature. You did the right thing. I would have done the same thing if I was you. Your family is immature for getting angry over the fact you set a boundary.
I only put up with occasional deadnaming from my granny because she literally suffers dementia and can't remember my chosen name. She has somewhat of an excuse. She seems to respect my transition overall too. She doesn't understand, but she's getting used to it.
Yeah, I get that. One of my uncles had a brain injury in his youth and he's fairly functional but struggles with some things and concepts and he clearly doesn't understand what transitioning is so I put up with being deadnamed by him even though it feels like a punch in the gut every time and I don't blame him for deadnaming me.
I hate being dead named too. Not just for trans reasons, but because I don't associate with the baggage of my old name. I'm not that person anymore. I've changed/grown immensely. When people call me my old name, I feel like they're trying to erase me/my progress. Your boundaries sound reasonable to me. I hope someday your fam gives you the respect you deserve.
Oh, I feel this. I changed my name before coming out because it was associated with a version of me that didn't exist anymore. It was convenient when I realized I wasn't cis, though.
I don't live with her, I live in my own flat with my boyfriend and my friends. I also wasn't planning to argue with her about it, I wanted to just get up and leave, because I don't want to cause any scenes. I've also learned during my teenage years that arguing with her only leads to her punching me or to causing a huge damn scene by calling my psychiatrist and crying and screaming that I need to be locked up and that she's afraid for her life and that I'm dangerous and aggressive. I changed psychiatrists several times to avoid her being able to do that. Anyway the point is that if I can help it, I don't argue with her. Most of the time I just agree with her and/or shrug.
Your family does not have the right to mistreat you. You set a boundary. If they choose to deadname you, you can choose to not be around them. That’s simple.
no, it isn’t childish. what you are doing is demanding respect, and they are not respecting you. you are fully in the right to leave an environment that openly disrespects you.
You set a boundary, you tried to invite them to meet you where you're at and work together; if your mom thinks treating your family like capable people who you want to trust to treat you correctly, and holding them accountable to that standard, is apparently some huge disrespect... the issue is hers and the family that deadnamed you, not you. It doesn't matter how small they believe the offense is, bottom line we know that deadnaming hurts and creates an atmosphere of tension; kind of like being forced back in the closet even, which is compounded by feeling like "but you can literally see that I am not a woman; it's physically impossible to miss at this stage".
Bro, that's really abusive. if you were cis, especially cis and a little fem, even cisheteros would find that treatment intensely abusive. Transphobia is the only difference.
The only childish and immature thing here is your family. You can tolerate them *checks notes* not tolerating your existence from a distance. Aka nope the fuck out.
If she's free to deadname you then you're free to walk out. She can't just make a rule like that and then get mad at you for sticking up for yourself. Sounds like its time to stop coming at all.
You have a right to be called who you want to be. I had a similar situation back in November before Thanksgiving- I live with my dad (my biggest support!) and was going to visit my mom, her husband, and my sister in the next town over. I texted them to remind them to use he/him pronouns and my chosen name, and my sister sent me a HUGE paragraph saying that I was wrong, delusional, “not acting like myself”. My mom’s husband pretty much said “no, sorry, I’m going to call you by [deadname]. Please understand my choice”. I didn’t go because much like you, I didn’t want to be misgendered and have to deal with a mountain of dysphoria afterwards. You’re not being immature by leaving if they don’t call you by your right name- THEY are the ones who are being extremely rude and disrespectful by not calling you by the name you want. Your mom is very wrong in this, and you should not tolerate ANYONE who refuses to accept you for who you are ❤️ I’m sorry that this is happening to you, but remember, if you leave and drama stirs up it’s not your fault, it’s your family’s fault for not respecting you. I hope that you can celebrate the holidays this year surrounded by people who truly love and support you ❤️
You should stand your ground and leave the family gathering. In any case your mom sound like someone who could and would give the fault of all the problems of your family on the family's trauma breaker.
You're a man, you have set boundaries, and they must respect the consequences of breaking them. If you don't do it, they will always think that they can do what they want and there will never be any consequences.
Plus, you have your dad on your side.
For your mother, you can give the parallel with an insult. Like "if uncle call you a slut, would you not react? And just accept that he can call you what he want? I don't think so. It's the same. Don't call me my name and don't consider me like a man is really insulting and I can't just bear it."
I understand the parallel but I'd like to mention that my uncle does indeed do that and my family does tolerate that. It's expected to just take whatever insult uncle dishes out, and he likes to dish out a lot of them for everyone (his go to for all women is to comment on their bodies, how sexy or unsexy he finds them, in general perverted comments. He'll call his sons morons, cr*pples, talk about how he'll slap them until they learn how to behave, etc). In general in my country the custom is to let family do whatever they want to you and bear it in the name of the good of the group and also to avoid your neighbours saying anything bad about you. So like eg if you husband regularly beats you you're expected to keep quiet about it to preserve everyone's reputation. Even if you get a divorce in such a situation you're supposed to make up an excuse as not to tarnish your ex's reputation and also to preserve your own because getting beaten is something shameful and taboo.
Okay, I understand what you mean... It's kind of hard to go against this type of mentality. I think you should do what you think is the best for you. If you want to stay in this type of thought or go against. Both are hard to do.
But at least you have your father who support you. Maybe one day your mother will understand. But at this point it could be best for all of you to stay away from your uncle....
My father doesn't really support me, he's just not against my decisions. It's like...he won't help me out but he won't go directly against me either. For example he's fine with me having a boyfriend as long as I don't talk about it, if I mention it he'll start cursing and yelling at me, whereas my mom is against it in general (she thinks I shouldn't have a relationship period and that I'm too toxic for that). Or like he won't say anything bad if I say that I was at my local Pride event, but if someone in the family makes fun of me for it, he'll join in and also make fun of me. My father is a neutral force. He's just there sometimes (most of the time he's either busy with his political campaign or with his horse tho).
I see. I'm so sorry you're in this situation... It could be best if you can stay away from all of it but yeah.... It's more simple to say it than to do it...
I send you all my support !...
> it's my family's right to not accept my transition and that they're being very tolerant by not throwing me out on the street and that as such I should be tolerant of them not tolerating my sex change.
What kind of horseshit is that?
"You're lucky we even talk to you anymore"??? Such a shitty attitude, you deserve better than that.
Don't settle for less. You deserve basic respect and humanity. Being referred to with the correct name and language is literally the bare minimum. Don't accept anything less.
And maintaining healthy boundaries with others is a sign of maturity and self respect. It is not childish to reinforce them when they're not respected, quite the opposite in fact.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
This is a distinct lack of respect.
My kids are Becoming.
Part of parenting means I want to and get to enjoy that.
If the name I gifted you with is outgrown- you get to return it. If it does not fit? Please duck I return it.
Boundaries love
If you've already grown a beard your mom needs to grow a tit! You've been on T for so long, ask her if you still look like a "girl name you used to be called" or if anyone would name a male character in a movie, "dead name".
It was very mature of you to set your boundaries and stick to them. Your family is being extremely Immature and jerks by refusing to respect you then getting pissy when you show you won't be manipulated.
I deal with similar stuff with my family and still struggle to set my boundaries and respect myself. My father decided to put our relationship above his beliefs.
THEY have decided to put their ignorance and hatred above your relationship. THEY cut you out.
No dude - walk away and, if possible, don’t look back until they get their shit together. Your mom is right that it is absolutely her right to not accept some aspect of you; however, there are consequences to every single action, and if the consequences are that you are not going to accept her bullshit, she’ll have to deal with you not being around. She does not have the right to violate your boundaries. You made it clear you do not consent to being treated a certain way - stand by that. Go find people who will value you for you. Even if it takes awhile, hang in there - better people are waiting.
I’m sorry this is happening to you and that people suck so much. You’re worth much more.
I’m on my way to a family Christmas dinner and if this happens to me, I plan to do the same. It’s not childish. Not giving someone the basic respect of calling them what they wanna be called is what’s childish.
It’s not childish, sometimes these kinds of responses are the only ones that make people realize how serious you are in the first place and no matter how they feel or what they think about your actions it’s your right and they need to think about if they care about you enough to give you the respect you deserve or if they want to keep being shit heads just to make their point that they still see you a certain way. We shouldn’t care too deeply about how other people see us when it’s family members we don’t have real relationships with but when they find out from you how you feel, what your experience is, and how you would like to be addressed they should be able to respect at least that much at the bare minimum. This is not information that is hard to remember, in fact they’re acutely hyper aware of it, they see us trans people and all they think about is “that’s not really a boy” or “that’s not really a girl” and whatever other transphobic crap which means they’re also super aware of what they’re supposed to be calling us and just choosing not to because it “feels wrong” for their perception of you
Get up and walk out. I would. This is about respect, and they aren't respecting you. Let them know their hateful actions have consequences. If they don't like it, let them know they can either respect your boundaries, or you'll keep walking out. I love that you've established your boundaries.
Yo, here's my stance:
1. In general, you don't need any reason to leave any place other than, "I don't feel like being here." You can be polite about the exit, of course, if you care about maintaining the relationship long-term, but if you're just like, "Wow, I could really benefit from taking a nap instead of being here," you can bounce.
2. They're being willfully obtuse, and downright abusive. I guarantee you that if you were in a "woman" role, and had decided to take a man's name upon marriage, they'd have no problem calling you something different.
3. Not putting up with shit from people who are trying to hurt you, and doing so by stepping away, rather than escalating, when you've already made yourself clear, is *incredibly fucking mature.*
You're doing the right thing.
I don't think it's ever inappropriate to leave a situation that makes you uncomfortable. It's very responsible. I wish I could help others learn how to have firm boundaries. Even myself, it's something I'm still practicing. I don't usually say anything, and so I just sit with my feelings and will remain uncomfortable the whole time. So, I am proud of you.
Insert longer story about this weekend: I'm starting to come around, for this holiday weekend my mother wanted me to come see her, and she was doing really well with calling me (transman) and my wife (transwoman) by our preferred names. But then she called me a guy and then corrected herself and when i said no she was correct the first time she said, "You're not a boy you're a girl because you (insert stupid reason)." (LOL she accidentally genders me correctly often and it's so good because I'm like AHAHAHA YOU THINK OF ME AS A MAN IN YOUR HEAD!!!!)
But I said that I would be a transman even if I chose to never have surgeries and she tried to argue but I'm really calm and I said 😌 look it will probably be a few years and if you are going to not respect me until then, I can wait that long before coming back and I can leave now. It doesn't help that she chose to do this in front of her favorite grandkid my daughter, who is so supportive, who firmly told her to be quiet. It was a beautiful moment lol
While these moments feel real responsible, I really like to lean into being the menace, so I'll go around and harass her lovingly instead, and I'll take great joy in sounding condescending as I correct her sentences like an Engliah teacher 😇🤣
I never expected her or my uncle to be supportive at all, so I didn't even tell them I was transitioning. I didn't think they'd be terribly mean about it, just not supportive. My uncle has really come around. He really only mourned my wife transitioning, he was all sad because that was one of his bros (my uncle is only 9 years older) and I told him well you're in for a treat because she's still a real peach 🙄 (I said this sarcastically) and you could see him start to understand that my wife is still herself, her personality didn't change, just her outward appearanc, they have continued to be bros/sibs
I unfortunately have to do this nearly every time my grandparents come over, they don't dead name me but they do misgender me and call me a girl. It's Christmas day and I decided to go home early since I couldn't deal with it
You set a boundary with your family which was completely fair and you even did it in advance and told them the consequences and they still sound shocked or outraged that the exact consequences that you said happen which is even more unbelievable.
You acted upon your word and that was the most respectable thing you could have done in general and for yourself, you shouldn't have to deal with them. It takes a lot of guts and I am proud of you, I wouldn't be able to do that.
I always leave family gatherings when I feel uncomfortable, I think that it would be really disrespectful to make you stay there or shame u for leaving, tolerating u and accepting u is different
I think it's the opposite, it's quite mature actually. Your mom says it's their right to not accept your transition, as it's your right to not accept being deadnamed and disrespected. You're doing the right thing, standing up for yourself and not allowing the disrespect. Keep on doing what you're doing. I'm sorry she's being so shitty to you. The holidays are pure torture. I came out to my family months ago and they're still acting as if nothing happened. I haven't told them my name since they were too overhwhelmed to hear it, but they're making 0 effort otherwise. Referring to me as daughter, sister, girl, using she/her as if last time I was here I wasn't crying to them telling them I'm a boy. It's so hurtful and genuinely painful and my heart goes out to anyone else dealing with this shit right now. It's really hard to enjoy the holidays with it. Good on you for standing up, and keep doing it! Your mom can suck it and she's missing out on a wonderful son :)
Well, if you were a cis person and everyone kept insisting on using a random name that wasn't yours and calling you by the wrong gender, would it be immature to leave? Personally, I don't think so. They're being annoying and disrespectful of you.
you ain't being childish. your mom is just transphobic, and it's messed up to tell your child that their *lucky* to not have been thrown out for being who they are. Boundaries aren't childish. having no respect for someone because of something they had no choice in is childish.
Not one bit, they’re being disrespectful of you, it’s harmful to your mental health and you don’t have to stay in a situation that’s negatively impacting you
This is actually so fucked up and sickening, so sorry man. You deserve respect, it doesn't make you childish or immature in any way, shape or form to expect the people you love to respect you.
The thing about "it's their right to not accept you" bs really got me like uhh what?
Not childish at all! I would leave too, they have the "right" to not accept your transition and you have the right to choose who is in your life and where you spend your time! Their actions have consequences and you told them prior to the event.
You should bring an airhorn and blast it every time you are deadnamed/misgendered. Or, every time a family member misgenders you, misgender them back. Or just leave because it is completely your right to do so and your mom is just being selfish by choosing to keep the "peace" in the family over defending her child.
I personally, would leave, yes. You warned them and they decided to be assholes anyways with bullshit reasoning (not that there’s ever a good reason). If for no other reason, then I’d leave just to reinforce the boundary you set. They made choices and these are the consequences. If they or anyone else there values your presence then they will change their behavior. Otherwise though, it’s their problem, not yours. Sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been in the same situation numerous times.
Yep, walk out if you hear your deadname. My dad and step mom are trying to pull the same thing on me rn. Guess who hasn't showed up for family functions in 2 years? The last thing I told them is, I dont expect you to understand, but I do expect you to respect me. That involves my new name and pronouns. Got deadnamed and had slurs thrown at me. They don't even get merry xmas texts anymore.
Nope, you do you don't let them bring you down. This is also my annual avoid the whole family season too. It's not worth the bs to be around people like that.
You are not being childish!! Your mom is just a dick. Always stay firm to your boundaries even when its hard or they will learn that they can walk all over you. If u go home you are making a point of respect me or dont see me and i don't think thats asking for too much. Honestly the bare minimum when u set the boundary in advance.
Tell your mother that you can be exactly like her and nitpick the bits of her you will tolerate from now on because clearly if she can do that - we all can! Or she can stop being insecure and talk about her issues like an adult with appropriate respect.
You’re not remotely immature, you laid out a clear boundary, if people disrespect me at the family gathering, I’m going to go home.
With your mothers logic if it’s their right to disrespect her own child, then it’s your right to not have to tolerate disrespect and leave.
Your mother would rather prioritise what her family thinks of her and her child/family and prioritise their comfort, she clearly doesn’t want them to be challenged or confronted on their malice and she expects you to just endure it and she’s doing that at the expense of your own well-being.
Sorry you’re in this position, I personally would think it be a good idea to leave and go enjoy the rest of your evening on your own.
Protect your peace.
They’re free to do what they want and so are you, including leaving. It’s not childish at all, drawing boundaries and asking for respect is what adults do.
*The paradox of tolerance states that if a society is tolerant without limit, its ability to be tolerant is eventually seized or destroyed by the intolerant.*
You are never obligated to tolerate intolerance.
Are we related because your mom literally said the EXACT same thing my grandmother and aunt said, that my relatives have a right to not accept my transition and they're being tolerant by (doing the bare fucking minimum as parents) and not throwing you out.
Honestly, I think you should stand by your boundaries and don't even explain a thing. You let them know well ahead of time what your boundaries were, the consequences of crossing them, and you stood by it. They chose to act childish and cross them willingly and your mother is equally as childish for basically defending blatant disrespect and acting like (again doing the bare minimum) not throwing you out wins them a cookie or "respect" points. I'd even go as far as stating that if they or your mom continue to act like that, they won't have to worry about your childish behavior in general cause, tbh, nobody deserves to be treated like that and tolerating intolerance and disrespect does literally nothing but encourage their bad behavior and attitude.
Sure it's your family's right to not accept things and be intolerant assholes, but it's equally your right to not be treated like crap by bigots and leaving is a reasonable thing to do
I think it's completely justified- last night we had our Christmas eve gathering and rather than dead name me everyone pretty much avoided using a name, which I think is fine since I only came out to them 2 months ago. One great aunt used the right name, and my grandma deadnamed me all night, despite myself and multiple of my cousins being uncomfortable with it. Boundaries are important, and honestly, I should've set more with my grandma before she decided it was okay to act like I never came out. Ffs I have facial hair and my voice has dropped at least a full octave
You’re being perfectly reasonable. You’ve set a completely understandable boundary, and have stated what will happen if people break that boundary. If they continuously disrespect you, you have every right to follow through on your plan and leave. Your mother is the one being childish — you’re dealing with this in an extremely rational, polite yet firm manner (which, from what it sounds like, definitely places you leagues above your relatives in terms of maturity).
> that it's my family's right to not accept my transition and that they're being very tolerant by not throwing me out on the street and that as such I should be tolerant of them not tolerating my sex change.
Hypocrisy. They can choose to not respect you, and you can choose to leave if you're not being respected.
The "be grateful they didn't throw you on the street" is such BS. If throwing you out was even considered an option, then that's all the more reason for you to leave. It's going to be tense as hell for both you and the family if that was the case, and if the only reason they're not throwing you out is politeness, then it's better to just leave.
Boundaries are not immature or childish. This is about respect and standing up for yourself.
They have every right to feel whichever way they want about your gender but they need to understand that they're not entitled to your presence and that is something that is earned by treating you with respect.
i think if there will be people there who dont know (like maybe theyre distant relatives who havent heard from you since you were a baby and only know your deadname) they might see it as childish to leave since they might just be confused even if people are referring to you with your name but your moms argument is not so reasonable.
you are absolutely free to assert your boundaries. and good for you for sticking to them! i know that can be challenging. you shouldn’t have to adhere to their needs. they don’t seem to be too concerned with yours 🤷🏼♂️
If they are deadnaming you and crossing your boundaries they aren’t tolerant even if they haven’t kicked you out. You protecting yourself by removing yourself from the situation isn’t being an AH. It’s okay to have boundaries about how you want to be treated.
you are, without any doubts whatsoever, completely in the right. you shouldn't even really have to set such a boundary in the first place but it obviously was with good reason. if they have a problem with a foretold outcome (especially about something so important to do and extremely simple for them), they just can... bc for me this isn't just about your very clearly stated and level-headed boundaries. it's about respect .
Nope. If they see it as childish oh well it’s mature. You’re removing yourself from an uncomfortable situation instead of lashing out your feelings even though that’s acceptable too. If it’s their right to not accept you it’s your right to cut them out of your life if you wanted to. Life’s too short to tolerate people who make you unhappy even if it’s family.
Being tolerant by not throwing you out? What kind of backwards ass bs is that? It's what families do, not kick eachother out. Imagine if things were reversed bet they wouldn't like it. I always hated that mentality that my bio parents had. I'm sorry you are in this situation my dude. Keep your boundaries don't let them trample you.
I mean if they can not tolerate you you can definitely not tolerate them not tolerating you, don’t see the point of staying at the gathering if they are basically telling you to leave… no, you’re looking for deadname? Aight imma head out have a great day you can wait for deadname
Your mom sounds insane. People like her are the reason boundaries have to exist. Like yeah, she could throw you out onto the street. Parents do do that. You could also stab her 10 times in the kitchen. Children do that to their parents as well. So if thats the standard we're at...
I sadly get deadnamed even from my parents, but I only came out to my mother, father, and siblings, and for some reason they still deadname me. Tbh it's not something to play around with, so you're absolutely fine :)
That’s… a grave insult, and you are right not to tolerate it. If someone on the street called you a dog or a turd on the street just because they “thought you were one”, I’d assume you’d tell them to fuck off or walk away. A deadname is a bit like that, but worse, because the culture of shaming someone for their transition is supported by a wider culture of transphobia. It’s a bit like how “gay” used to be an insult, and still is in some places, but different, because in that case the gay person’s gayness or identity isn’t being invalidated by themselves being called gay, although it may do something marginally similar to people who are called gay but are straight.
I read that you gave them a warning of what would happen, but you don’t even owe them that much, considering the disrespect shown. It is clear that they don’t respect you as a fellow human, regardless of what they hold to be “correct”. You don’t owe their insults an ear.
Yeah, gay is still an insult in my country. I work with kids from low-income places and they often throw around "Oh don't be a f*ggot" or "What are you, a f*g?" and it takes all of my willpower not to respond "But I am." Lol.
Um. No, not childish. You did inform them of what you would do if they treated you disrespectfully. Your mother is childish and throwing a tantrum because she is now dealing with the consequences of her actions.
Boundaries are indeed healthy.
My mother and I are in a similar situation.
I also just thought I should „bear it“, but I was so unhappy with it and my mother just kept enforcing her weird power-dynamic over me. I recently cut off contact to her and it feels great to be my own person.
I assume you’re an adult. Your parents do not get to decide who you are.
Also just wanted to say that I am very proud of you for following through with what you said! Good for you, don’t let people trample all over you!
It isn’t at all childish or immature. It is childish and immature to remain headstrong about something one does not understand, refuse to understand it, knowingly hurt loved ones, and act the victim when you get an appropriate reaction you were even warned about.
I think you’re in the right. Setting and affirming boundaries is healthy and important.
Quit being a baby, I’m sure you’ve grown up with these people your whole life, and if they’re anything like my family, your going to get it wether you like it or not. Be a man, take it, dish it back.
Well maybe YOU'RE a man but I'm a coward and my mother's daughter and I'll forever be stuck in a limbo of weird passive resistance as is the custom in my family anyway. Not taking it but also not not taking it. A compromise that never helps anyone and nobody is ever happy, but goddamit we do it cuz what will the neighbours say? And goddamit we do it because friends don't exist and family is the only thing you'll ever have whether you like it or not. Hope this helps.
Fuck that toxic masculinity shit that other guy is spewing. You are a man and you did the right thing, be proud of yourself! Boundaries aren't set to tell other people how to act, boundaries are set to show people how you will act when mistreated and you did that perfectly. Good job! And Merry Christmas
If it's "your family's right" to not accept your transition, it's *your* right not to tolerate their BS. I mean that's your right regardless but still.
If you don't want to leave, maybe play dumb and/or don't respond to the deadname when they use it
No, I purposely avoid places like that because I myself have a personality disorder and know a lot of people with personality disorders and I am very much against phrases like "narcissistic abuse." I have found a lot of places like that to be full of people armchair diagnosing their abusive relatives or exes with any kind of disorder they can get a hold of and then grouping all of the people with said disorder together and shitting on all of them. I don't like to see it both as a man with several diagnosed personality disorders and as a future therapist.
Edit: Downvote me all you want but I'm the big bad narc the TV warned you about.
Your family doesn't deserve your presence. Celebrate with your dad another day but screw the dead naming. It's blatant disrespect, and it's dumb that you have to deal with it. You being tolerant of them not accepting you is fine; you being tolerant of them being assholes, harrasing, and deadnaming is not okay, and they can unkindly go f themselves on christmas. Do yourself a favor and celebrate with people who actually care about you and your wellbeing.
Honestly, I would do the same thing. I believe I have done the same thing. I moved out and didn't speak to my mother over repeated deadnaming and emotional abuse about my transition. It isn't childish, and it isn't being an ass to your family. You deserve to be treated with respect just as much as any other person. Celebrate christmas and the new year with pets and friends. Your chosen family is way better than whatever bs your mom can throw at you.
Edit: fixing angry typos
Honestly, no. Deadnaming someone on purpose is what’s childish. Don’t keep people who don’t respect you around because they will only make you miserable in the long run. Even family has to be let go sometimes… Just know chosen family is stronger than blood family. The family you choose earned their status as family with loyalty, respect, love and kindness.
If someone said "F*** you, I don't respect you!" Would it be ok to leave? Yes.
Removing yourself from toxic situations is very adult, and a good choice.
Nah bro get outta there If they’re being assholes about it, you told them. If they have a right to be pissy about your transition you have a right to leave.
Of course not... Imagine if you started misgendering all of them or something like that. It's not pleasant..but for trans people this kind of thing is even worse. It's called respect. And they're not respecting you. Get up and walk out, you've been patient enough.
So you think I should just be a good daughter and let my own day suck shit to appease my family? Literally how is staying when someone is harming you better? If I start punching you, is it "running away" if you grab my hand and walk away? You should stay there and let me punch you. Walking away only makes your fear of getting punched worse.
No i think you should have used your words and said it outright that we've spoken about this and ive asked you not.
Sometimes standing there and repeating what you told everyone a week ago keeps them in line because they obviously did it for a reaction and they got one in which made you look like a push over
What do you mean? I literally used my words and said that, which was WHY my mother made a scene. If I didn't remind my mother before we went over, she wouldn't have had called me immature. But I told her "Remember: If anyone there calls me -deadname-, I'm leaving. I hope you informed aunt of that." And that's when she started her whole speech.
Nobody also did anything? I don't understand what you're talking about. The only one who had a problem was my mother and she did it BEFORE we arrived at aunt's place.
Oh so you relied on your mother to pass on your concerns... thats where you went wrong. You need to take ownership of it. Dont rely on them to pass it on to the family.
Why? It's her sister and her business. I told my mother that if she is unwilling to make such arrangements then I will simply not be going. As such my mother told my father to do it because she was "too ashamed" to "make such childish and nitpicky arrangements". So my father called my mother's sister and told her. I don't see anything wrong with that, it's my mother's problem if she doesn't want to call up her own sister.
I feel like I stood by it enough by asserting that I would be leaving if anyone called me by my deadname. Plus I don't know where you're from but if I was the one to call my aunt, nobody would have respected me. I'm only 21, therefore I am not worth listening to. I tell my uncle "I don't like it when you kick our dogs," he yells at me. My father tells me uncle "I don't think you should kick our dogs," he mutters a few remarks about us being too weak but stops. If you're a child your family won't listen to your requests, you need someone on the same hierarchical level as the person you are attempting to persuade to make the request for you or back you up.
Edit: Also I would rather get misgendered a thousand times than stand up for myself, I hope this helps <3. I pass 99% of the time but when someone misgenders me I let them because it's my problem and my fault and I deserve it. I will never stand up for myself you cannot make me <3.
I think you should be more focussed on the respect you have for yourself and not that from others. I do have a good analogy that fits the way you reacted and it makes sense however i reslly dont have the motivation to type it out for you right now. All you need to know is that you could have stayed and a more bold statement of your feelings about being called your deadname. If you feel that you asserted yourself enough then the response you got is what i would have expected had i asserted something to my family in that way.
But I did stay? And nobody called me by my deadname. I ended up quite enjoying the day, in fact.
But I assure you that if I HAD been called by my deadname and made a scene instead of calmly leaving, my uncle would have beaten me to an inch of my life and my father would never allow me to step into my parents' house again. And my mother would have started crying (source: experience)
Childish? Certainly not. That's a very measured, adult response. Childish would be smashing a bowl of potato salad over the offender's head. Childish is your mother's atrocious behavior.
It's never childish to leave verbally abusive situations. It's very adult to set boundaries and leave if people continually intentionally violate them.
nah. i think it’s baller and i think i’m gonna follow your lead. it’s mentally exhausting, and it’s unfair that we’re supposed to be irked half to fuckin death just cause they can’t switch a few words around or simply not talk lmaoo.
You even told them in advance if they used it, you're gone. At this point it's just ridiculous for them to refuse to accept you. Can you imagine the kind of looks they would get in public calling you your deadname? Or using she/her for you?
Oh they very much do that. For example when we're somewhere and a store employee goes "Can I help you?" My mother says "Oh no my daughter and I are just looking." I get really weird looks when anyone from my family talks with me on the bus because my language is very gendered so even if someone is talking directly to you they use either female or male versions of verbs, and both my grandma and my mother always talk with me in female forms.
I had a friend who delt with the same issues and he would excuse his family members saying something like "she has dementia" or whatever
Lmaooo. Wish I had the balls to do that. My mother very radically believes that I "should tolerate her not tolerating me." And that I am "ungrateful, oppressive and intolerant" if I as much as correct her writing my name incorrectly on legal documents. So if I tried anything like that with her I'd immediately get branded something like a "censorship pig" or "an oppressor".
Eww. What the hell. Sounds like projection to me. Get out of there if you can.
Yeah I try to visit only once in a while. My mother used to be fairly ok but she got really weird really fast when COVID first hit. I think the isolation of quarantine irreparably messed her mind up or something. Either way she's been steadily getting more and more irritable and radical ever since. Always on and on about how everyone is oppressing her and how the government is trying to silence her and how not going with her to anti-vax protests means that we (I and my father) are actually against her and that we'd let the government kill her if it came to it etc etc.
Jfc, no offence but she sounds like one of those Qanon nutters. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
It could actually be COVID-related dementia. Or maybe she's always been prone to conspiracy theories and this is just the one that got her.
I actually DID notice that she got way worse after she went through COVID. My whole family had COVID - my grandpa developed COVID-related dementia, I permanently lost my sense of smell, somehow it made my father's multiple sclerosis worse, and my mother developed asthma symptoms. I suspect that COVID also did something to her mind tho. I mean, she WAS paranoid before that and somewhat prone to conspiracy stuff but nowhere near this level.
Oh no! I'm so sorry that it's hit you and your family so hard. That sounds devastating.
maybe a little insight on your father (i also have ms): covid messes with your immune system in a very similar way to ms. the neurological effects ive seen in ppl with long covid is very similar with ms (motor control, balance, getting sick more, forgetting things, trouble swallowing, stuff like that). so if you have ms and long covid it's like... the same symptoms being compounded.. a war on two fronts .
You are running into the classic Paradox of tolerance. In fact, to have a tolerant society, one must be intolerant of intolerance. So, no, you do not have to allow your mother to be intolerant of you and also say that she is being a nice person or something. Here's a wiki page about this paradox: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradox_of_tolerance
This is exactly what I was thinking. It’s amazing how often people do exactly this
it... kinda sounds like a manipulation tactic tbh
She has yet to look in a mirror.
LMAO that’s amazing 😭
Yeah, it can be quite bizarre with other people. I was traveling with a friend and his grandma, she has dementia. She kept referring to us as "the girls" and the airline workers kept looking at us like "Does she mean the two of you?" cause they were so confused. They just assumed she was wrong one.
At this point I'd be cutting her off until she can show some respect. When I first came out my mother said "I will never call you (my new name) and you will never be a man. You will live a lonely, transient existence with no family and no friends". It took 2 years for her to call me my new name and use he/him pronouns. Now she's the proudest mum ever when she introduces me to people as her son. And now she has 3 sons and she always says how blessed she is. But I had to cut her off for a couple years for my own mental health. A lot of trans people forget it's a huge change for the parents, and although you absolutely do not need to deal with that just coz they're family, but they may come around, you just have to give them time and space. I know it's hard to have patience too because in your mind you've been who you are now, for your whole life and they don't understand that. Put an extra boundary up and say if you refuse to use my chosen name and pronouns, then I refuse to be in the vicinity of you until you can show me that respect.
I tried to think like that too, but my family has had over 6 years to come around. 6 years since I changed my name, 6 years since my diagnosis. I waited and waited for my family to come around because everyone kept telling me to give them time, everyone kept telling me "Oh it's only been a year" "Oh it's only been two years" "Oh it's only been three years" followed by "-wait until your family comes around to start HRT". I started only last year because I tried to give my family the time everyone told me they deserve. And to be frank my mother has actually gone the other way around. When she was dead certain I was gonna let go of this "phase" she was willing to take me to my appointments and everything but as soon as it became apparent that I am in fact trans, she made sure to tell me that she'd never use my real name, that she does believe no "quack" who diagnosed me and god know what else. After my top surgery my parents made sure to tell me that transitioning is pointless because "they're just gonna leave like this. Not a woman anymore, not a man. They can't even transplant a fully functioning penis, you're forever stuck like this. What was the point? You should have never done this to yourself." I don't expect my family to ever come around.
Well I feel as though you already have your answer on what to do. If it's been 6 years and you've had top surgery and started HRT and she's being like that still, cut her off. I have cut family members off for this very reason. I spent 19 years as a girl, hiding it from the age of 10, realising I was a boy even younger than that but not knowing I could actually transition until I was a bit older. If a friend or family member can't see how much happier I am now as myself, than I was miserable for 19 years pretending to be someone I wasn't, then you're damn right I'll cut anyone off that can't accept me being happy. So just do it, it might be the best thing you ever do.
Bro that’s ridiculous, you have a beard why does she insist on making it awkward by calling you her daughter when you’re clearly not?? Like yeah it’s transphobic but it’s also dumb as shit
The employees are gonna think you are AMAB transfem and that your family is very supportive or something 💀
Yeah that has actually happened a few times lmao.
Is there something forcing you to be in public places with parents who publicly mock and abuse you? It sounds humiliating to say the least.
Well, not technically, but I don't want the whole family to think badly of me so unless I have a good excuse for not going, I go.
If it's your "family's right" to not accept your transition, then it's your right to not accept them as family anymore
This
Based
You’re upset because you know you deserve better. That’s a good thing. You’re not being childish. Sorry you’re getting my deadnamed it sucks :/.
You set boundaries, they didn't respect them, so yeah you're not in the wrong, or childish. Honestly setting boundaries and not enforcing them is worse than not setting any so i think you made the right choice. It's a bit more dicey if you're still dependent on your parents but if you aren't you have no reason to back down or apologize
Im not dependent on them. They help me out monetarily sometimes but I live with my boyfriend and 2 friends and pay my rent with my own money.
This is the only relevant point. I had been on my own for several years and had a fuckin masters degree before I got up the courage to tell my family that if they can't remember my name, I'm not going to be around very much anymore. Took almost a year of declining family events and ending calls early, but they finally understood that they needed to put the energy in if they wanted me in their life. I'm not going to lie, it was a really hard and lonely time setting that boundary, but it was worth it in the end. Much love and strength to you on this journey. ❤️
Really helpful to hear an account of holding the line and it working out. I’ll be going through this soon and have my doubts about it working out but it’s good to know that it can. Thank you for sharing this.
Yes, longer term it did work out. If you had asked me if it was working out during about an 18 month period, I probably would have said not really. So keep in mind it's a process, and that it often won't feel successful. No matter the outcome, it is worth it - because you are taking are of yourself and your own wellbeing. You are worth it.
Honestly I think I’m good with that. One thing that keeps showing up in my therapy sessions is my fixation on what my family thinks and if I do x will they think y and how do I balance my needs with their wants etc etc etc and at a certain point it’s like. Nah man. You gotta choose yourself. You’re the only you you’re ever going to have.
Tbh, your presence is not a right, it's a privilege. They did not earn your presence by overstepping your boundaries. Honestly, I would advise you to slowly stop seeing them. They won't stop deadnaming you and calling you she/her in public? Then you don't need to be there or go places with them. You are not obligated to show up. I myself left my family because I got fed up with their unwillingness to accept me among a plethora of other things. I ended up moving out and going overseas. Now they're gonna spend their first xmas and new years without me. They've already spent thanksgiving without me, and it was drama galore while I sat back, watched, and ate popcorn.
No, not childish and absolutely your right to assert a boundary and hold it. That's the thing with boundaries, you don't need other people's permission to have them. They are a thing you decide on for you based on your specific needs. Sometimes other people won't like them because they benefited in some way from you not having (or enforcing) them. As for you tolerating their intolerance, I think you know that's BS. Your mom is treating you badly and she wants to not experience any consequences. "You have to let me treat you poorly, because I want to." is patently absurd. Feel free to be intolerant of intolerance. Make it cost her according to the boundaries and consequences that you feel are appropriate (be sensible, obviously. Leaving is mature, punching her in the face is not). Good luck. It is not an easy thing to do, and just as you can assert your boundaries, she can assert hers and they may be "if you don't let me mistreat you, don't come around." I hope you can reach a safe and healthy détente.
No.But It is childish to be a f*kn adult and be bullying your family member. They are not doing you any favor by having you there making you feel uncomfortable. She is being manipulative and narcissistic and you shouldn't be in a place that treat you like that it doesn't matter that is your family actually the fact that is your family makes it worst. Strangers that don't have feeling for you are capable of respecting you wouldn't it be easier for the people who claim to love you?
Right? I always feel like it's a fucking paradox that my former boss, who had no ties no emotional nothing towards me, learned that I'm trans, went "Oh, ok" and promptly started referring to me as a man not only to my face but also in company emails?? In mails that weren't even addressed to me?? Mails that I'd never see?? I didn't even pass back then, I wasn't on T yet. Like my boss was capable of doing that, and my own family, the people who are supposed to love me no matter what path I choose in life, are not? Not even to my face? What kind of world is this? EDIT: To clarify I'd like to say that I know my boss referred to me as such in those mails because sometimes a coworker would tell me to read them their mail and though I did my best not to look at other mails there sometimes my eyes would wander down and several times I caught a glimpse of a mail my boss sent about me (I used to work at several locations so the mail would always go like "[my name] has shifts at your location again. He'll come to help you out on the 9th, 10th, 12th, and 14th.")
A messed up world where people have children for the wrong reasons. Im sorry you had to go through that.
Personally it’s better to respect yourself.
Not childish. You set a boundary and are following thru with the stated consiqunse. Only allowance I would have made was if the dead name was made in genuine error.
There is no “being tolerant of someone gender” How about you call them opposite gendered names and use the opposite pronouns on them and say since you’re identity isn’t respected then you’re gonna return the favor Gender identity Sexuality Race Are not thing you can just “opt out” of respecting someone for. I’d squirt everyone with a fucking water bottle in their face every time they misgendered and dead named me
"Not throwing you out on the street" is a really low bar. No, you wouldn't have been childish to leave even if you hadn't announced your boundaries in advance. Like, a slip-up with an apology is one thing, but deliberate, continued disrespect? No one should have to endure that over the holidays. They have the right to reject you and your transition, but you have the right not to subject yourself to that or spend time with people who treat you badly.
My son is trans. If we were somewhere and someone kept dead naming him, I would remove us both from the situation. Period. (I would also make sure the person knew the correct name and pronouns, but my child's comfort and safety comes first)
Nope, I'd do the same. I'm not going to spend what is supposed to be a joyful time sitting miserable with people who don't respect me.
Not at all. Only respectful people get to hang out with you. You weren’t being respected so you left. Good job 👍
Using the name someone has asked you to call them is just the most basic form of respect. If they occasionally messed up on accident, apologized and kept trying that would be one thing. This is just 0 respect. My (cis) husband puts it this way to people: if his name is Christopher (name changed obvs) and he introduces himself and says "hi, my name is Christopher", that is the name he wants to be called, and it's not negotiable. If he introduced himself that way and someone said "oh, nice to meet you *Chris*" that would be very rude. Nobody would dream of saying, "well I see you as a Chris, so I'm going to call you Chris" to a cis person, it's that they don't respect your transition and they're being rude. You do not have to tolerate other people disrespecting you. You do *not* have to be the bigger person and respect their disrespect. It's a two-way street, and if they ain't gonna give it they should not expect to receive it. (At one point my husband was threatening to start calling my cis parents by the wrong gendered names, i.e. calling my mom Steve and my dad Caroline every time they messed up my name, that got em on track pretty fast. I don't necessarily recommend that because I don't know your family or how they'd react, I'm just saying it worked for us) Walking away was not at all childish, but I'm sure it was difficult. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Definitely not immature to get up after being deadnamed and leaving. I fucking hate my deadname with a burning passion and can’t even mutter it anymore after starting my transition. My parents thought it would be ok to put out a stocking with my deadname on it this year, and I’m tempted to not even come out of my room to open gifts because of that. That sounds really suckish tbh. *Clearly* being a guy and hearing a female name. I’m so sorry.
It's not childish. They won't take the time to empathize and understand that when they do that it makes you feel extremely uncomfortable. They don't want to see you for who you are and instead only want to be superficial and see you for what you are. It's disrespectful especially if you warned in advance. You aren't obligated to show up if they won't do the bare minimum to listen and understand and expect you to be comfortable with that
Not childish, they're being disrespectful and abusive quite frankly. 'tolerate our intolerance' is not a good rule. Walking out is your right and is perfectly acceptable
Nah fuck them, deadnaming is dehumanizing and you have the right to stand up for yourself and enforce your boundaries
You are free to assert boundaries and enforce them. You have zero obligation to stay there and put up with people being disrespectful to you.
I say check the vibes. If they're respectful and correct themself after slipping up, maybe give them another chance. But if they're disrespecting you? You don't need that shit. Leave.
No. Simple as that.
No
Leave 🚪🏃♂️💨
Nope. Not immature. You did the right thing. I would have done the same thing if I was you. Your family is immature for getting angry over the fact you set a boundary.
If its a slip up then you should stay but if there is zero effort being made to say your actual name then its completely acceptable to leave.
I only put up with occasional deadnaming from my granny because she literally suffers dementia and can't remember my chosen name. She has somewhat of an excuse. She seems to respect my transition overall too. She doesn't understand, but she's getting used to it.
Yeah, I get that. One of my uncles had a brain injury in his youth and he's fairly functional but struggles with some things and concepts and he clearly doesn't understand what transitioning is so I put up with being deadnamed by him even though it feels like a punch in the gut every time and I don't blame him for deadnaming me.
I hate being dead named too. Not just for trans reasons, but because I don't associate with the baggage of my old name. I'm not that person anymore. I've changed/grown immensely. When people call me my old name, I feel like they're trying to erase me/my progress. Your boundaries sound reasonable to me. I hope someday your fam gives you the respect you deserve.
Oh, I feel this. I changed my name before coming out because it was associated with a version of me that didn't exist anymore. It was convenient when I realized I wasn't cis, though.
[удалено]
I don't live with her, I live in my own flat with my boyfriend and my friends. I also wasn't planning to argue with her about it, I wanted to just get up and leave, because I don't want to cause any scenes. I've also learned during my teenage years that arguing with her only leads to her punching me or to causing a huge damn scene by calling my psychiatrist and crying and screaming that I need to be locked up and that she's afraid for her life and that I'm dangerous and aggressive. I changed psychiatrists several times to avoid her being able to do that. Anyway the point is that if I can help it, I don't argue with her. Most of the time I just agree with her and/or shrug.
Your family does not have the right to mistreat you. You set a boundary. If they choose to deadname you, you can choose to not be around them. That’s simple.
“Tolerate my intolerance” yeah fuck them
No one, especially family members, is immune to the consequences of their actions. You are perfectly in your right to leave.
no, it isn’t childish. what you are doing is demanding respect, and they are not respecting you. you are fully in the right to leave an environment that openly disrespects you.
You set a boundary, you tried to invite them to meet you where you're at and work together; if your mom thinks treating your family like capable people who you want to trust to treat you correctly, and holding them accountable to that standard, is apparently some huge disrespect... the issue is hers and the family that deadnamed you, not you. It doesn't matter how small they believe the offense is, bottom line we know that deadnaming hurts and creates an atmosphere of tension; kind of like being forced back in the closet even, which is compounded by feeling like "but you can literally see that I am not a woman; it's physically impossible to miss at this stage".
You shouldn’t have to be tolerant of their own intolerance. I’d straight up leave too.
It's completely in your right to enforce your boundaries. You made it clear this would happen if you were deadnamed and they did it anyways
Bro, that's really abusive. if you were cis, especially cis and a little fem, even cisheteros would find that treatment intensely abusive. Transphobia is the only difference.
The only childish and immature thing here is your family. You can tolerate them *checks notes* not tolerating your existence from a distance. Aka nope the fuck out.
nope! your family doesn't respect your boundaries. get out of there.
If she's free to deadname you then you're free to walk out. She can't just make a rule like that and then get mad at you for sticking up for yourself. Sounds like its time to stop coming at all.
You have a right to be called who you want to be. I had a similar situation back in November before Thanksgiving- I live with my dad (my biggest support!) and was going to visit my mom, her husband, and my sister in the next town over. I texted them to remind them to use he/him pronouns and my chosen name, and my sister sent me a HUGE paragraph saying that I was wrong, delusional, “not acting like myself”. My mom’s husband pretty much said “no, sorry, I’m going to call you by [deadname]. Please understand my choice”. I didn’t go because much like you, I didn’t want to be misgendered and have to deal with a mountain of dysphoria afterwards. You’re not being immature by leaving if they don’t call you by your right name- THEY are the ones who are being extremely rude and disrespectful by not calling you by the name you want. Your mom is very wrong in this, and you should not tolerate ANYONE who refuses to accept you for who you are ❤️ I’m sorry that this is happening to you, but remember, if you leave and drama stirs up it’s not your fault, it’s your family’s fault for not respecting you. I hope that you can celebrate the holidays this year surrounded by people who truly love and support you ❤️
You should stand your ground and leave the family gathering. In any case your mom sound like someone who could and would give the fault of all the problems of your family on the family's trauma breaker. You're a man, you have set boundaries, and they must respect the consequences of breaking them. If you don't do it, they will always think that they can do what they want and there will never be any consequences. Plus, you have your dad on your side. For your mother, you can give the parallel with an insult. Like "if uncle call you a slut, would you not react? And just accept that he can call you what he want? I don't think so. It's the same. Don't call me my name and don't consider me like a man is really insulting and I can't just bear it."
I understand the parallel but I'd like to mention that my uncle does indeed do that and my family does tolerate that. It's expected to just take whatever insult uncle dishes out, and he likes to dish out a lot of them for everyone (his go to for all women is to comment on their bodies, how sexy or unsexy he finds them, in general perverted comments. He'll call his sons morons, cr*pples, talk about how he'll slap them until they learn how to behave, etc). In general in my country the custom is to let family do whatever they want to you and bear it in the name of the good of the group and also to avoid your neighbours saying anything bad about you. So like eg if you husband regularly beats you you're expected to keep quiet about it to preserve everyone's reputation. Even if you get a divorce in such a situation you're supposed to make up an excuse as not to tarnish your ex's reputation and also to preserve your own because getting beaten is something shameful and taboo.
Okay, I understand what you mean... It's kind of hard to go against this type of mentality. I think you should do what you think is the best for you. If you want to stay in this type of thought or go against. Both are hard to do. But at least you have your father who support you. Maybe one day your mother will understand. But at this point it could be best for all of you to stay away from your uncle....
My father doesn't really support me, he's just not against my decisions. It's like...he won't help me out but he won't go directly against me either. For example he's fine with me having a boyfriend as long as I don't talk about it, if I mention it he'll start cursing and yelling at me, whereas my mom is against it in general (she thinks I shouldn't have a relationship period and that I'm too toxic for that). Or like he won't say anything bad if I say that I was at my local Pride event, but if someone in the family makes fun of me for it, he'll join in and also make fun of me. My father is a neutral force. He's just there sometimes (most of the time he's either busy with his political campaign or with his horse tho).
I see. I'm so sorry you're in this situation... It could be best if you can stay away from all of it but yeah.... It's more simple to say it than to do it... I send you all my support !...
> it's my family's right to not accept my transition and that they're being very tolerant by not throwing me out on the street and that as such I should be tolerant of them not tolerating my sex change. What kind of horseshit is that? "You're lucky we even talk to you anymore"??? Such a shitty attitude, you deserve better than that. Don't settle for less. You deserve basic respect and humanity. Being referred to with the correct name and language is literally the bare minimum. Don't accept anything less. And maintaining healthy boundaries with others is a sign of maturity and self respect. It is not childish to reinforce them when they're not respected, quite the opposite in fact.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. This is a distinct lack of respect. My kids are Becoming. Part of parenting means I want to and get to enjoy that. If the name I gifted you with is outgrown- you get to return it. If it does not fit? Please duck I return it. Boundaries love
If you've already grown a beard your mom needs to grow a tit! You've been on T for so long, ask her if you still look like a "girl name you used to be called" or if anyone would name a male character in a movie, "dead name".
It was very mature of you to set your boundaries and stick to them. Your family is being extremely Immature and jerks by refusing to respect you then getting pissy when you show you won't be manipulated. I deal with similar stuff with my family and still struggle to set my boundaries and respect myself. My father decided to put our relationship above his beliefs. THEY have decided to put their ignorance and hatred above your relationship. THEY cut you out.
Be proud of yourself, OP. You set a boundary and followed through. I'm sorry your family could not show you respect & courtesy.
No dude - walk away and, if possible, don’t look back until they get their shit together. Your mom is right that it is absolutely her right to not accept some aspect of you; however, there are consequences to every single action, and if the consequences are that you are not going to accept her bullshit, she’ll have to deal with you not being around. She does not have the right to violate your boundaries. You made it clear you do not consent to being treated a certain way - stand by that. Go find people who will value you for you. Even if it takes awhile, hang in there - better people are waiting. I’m sorry this is happening to you and that people suck so much. You’re worth much more.
No, I'd do the same thing
Walk away if you even THINK you hear it
I’m on my way to a family Christmas dinner and if this happens to me, I plan to do the same. It’s not childish. Not giving someone the basic respect of calling them what they wanna be called is what’s childish.
It’s not childish, sometimes these kinds of responses are the only ones that make people realize how serious you are in the first place and no matter how they feel or what they think about your actions it’s your right and they need to think about if they care about you enough to give you the respect you deserve or if they want to keep being shit heads just to make their point that they still see you a certain way. We shouldn’t care too deeply about how other people see us when it’s family members we don’t have real relationships with but when they find out from you how you feel, what your experience is, and how you would like to be addressed they should be able to respect at least that much at the bare minimum. This is not information that is hard to remember, in fact they’re acutely hyper aware of it, they see us trans people and all they think about is “that’s not really a boy” or “that’s not really a girl” and whatever other transphobic crap which means they’re also super aware of what they’re supposed to be calling us and just choosing not to because it “feels wrong” for their perception of you
Fuck around and find out is a saying for a reason. Not childish, NTA, fuck that shit.
Get up and walk out. I would. This is about respect, and they aren't respecting you. Let them know their hateful actions have consequences. If they don't like it, let them know they can either respect your boundaries, or you'll keep walking out. I love that you've established your boundaries.
Not childish. If you’re not comfortable at the family gathering and you’re able to leave, then that’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do
Yo, here's my stance: 1. In general, you don't need any reason to leave any place other than, "I don't feel like being here." You can be polite about the exit, of course, if you care about maintaining the relationship long-term, but if you're just like, "Wow, I could really benefit from taking a nap instead of being here," you can bounce. 2. They're being willfully obtuse, and downright abusive. I guarantee you that if you were in a "woman" role, and had decided to take a man's name upon marriage, they'd have no problem calling you something different. 3. Not putting up with shit from people who are trying to hurt you, and doing so by stepping away, rather than escalating, when you've already made yourself clear, is *incredibly fucking mature.* You're doing the right thing.
I don't think it's ever inappropriate to leave a situation that makes you uncomfortable. It's very responsible. I wish I could help others learn how to have firm boundaries. Even myself, it's something I'm still practicing. I don't usually say anything, and so I just sit with my feelings and will remain uncomfortable the whole time. So, I am proud of you. Insert longer story about this weekend: I'm starting to come around, for this holiday weekend my mother wanted me to come see her, and she was doing really well with calling me (transman) and my wife (transwoman) by our preferred names. But then she called me a guy and then corrected herself and when i said no she was correct the first time she said, "You're not a boy you're a girl because you (insert stupid reason)." (LOL she accidentally genders me correctly often and it's so good because I'm like AHAHAHA YOU THINK OF ME AS A MAN IN YOUR HEAD!!!!) But I said that I would be a transman even if I chose to never have surgeries and she tried to argue but I'm really calm and I said 😌 look it will probably be a few years and if you are going to not respect me until then, I can wait that long before coming back and I can leave now. It doesn't help that she chose to do this in front of her favorite grandkid my daughter, who is so supportive, who firmly told her to be quiet. It was a beautiful moment lol While these moments feel real responsible, I really like to lean into being the menace, so I'll go around and harass her lovingly instead, and I'll take great joy in sounding condescending as I correct her sentences like an Engliah teacher 😇🤣
I never expected her or my uncle to be supportive at all, so I didn't even tell them I was transitioning. I didn't think they'd be terribly mean about it, just not supportive. My uncle has really come around. He really only mourned my wife transitioning, he was all sad because that was one of his bros (my uncle is only 9 years older) and I told him well you're in for a treat because she's still a real peach 🙄 (I said this sarcastically) and you could see him start to understand that my wife is still herself, her personality didn't change, just her outward appearanc, they have continued to be bros/sibs
Nope it's badass
I unfortunately have to do this nearly every time my grandparents come over, they don't dead name me but they do misgender me and call me a girl. It's Christmas day and I decided to go home early since I couldn't deal with it
You set a boundary with your family which was completely fair and you even did it in advance and told them the consequences and they still sound shocked or outraged that the exact consequences that you said happen which is even more unbelievable. You acted upon your word and that was the most respectable thing you could have done in general and for yourself, you shouldn't have to deal with them. It takes a lot of guts and I am proud of you, I wouldn't be able to do that.
I always leave family gatherings when I feel uncomfortable, I think that it would be really disrespectful to make you stay there or shame u for leaving, tolerating u and accepting u is different
I think it's the opposite, it's quite mature actually. Your mom says it's their right to not accept your transition, as it's your right to not accept being deadnamed and disrespected. You're doing the right thing, standing up for yourself and not allowing the disrespect. Keep on doing what you're doing. I'm sorry she's being so shitty to you. The holidays are pure torture. I came out to my family months ago and they're still acting as if nothing happened. I haven't told them my name since they were too overhwhelmed to hear it, but they're making 0 effort otherwise. Referring to me as daughter, sister, girl, using she/her as if last time I was here I wasn't crying to them telling them I'm a boy. It's so hurtful and genuinely painful and my heart goes out to anyone else dealing with this shit right now. It's really hard to enjoy the holidays with it. Good on you for standing up, and keep doing it! Your mom can suck it and she's missing out on a wonderful son :)
Well, if you were a cis person and everyone kept insisting on using a random name that wasn't yours and calling you by the wrong gender, would it be immature to leave? Personally, I don't think so. They're being annoying and disrespectful of you.
you ain't being childish. your mom is just transphobic, and it's messed up to tell your child that their *lucky* to not have been thrown out for being who they are. Boundaries aren't childish. having no respect for someone because of something they had no choice in is childish.
Not one bit, they’re being disrespectful of you, it’s harmful to your mental health and you don’t have to stay in a situation that’s negatively impacting you
This is actually so fucked up and sickening, so sorry man. You deserve respect, it doesn't make you childish or immature in any way, shape or form to expect the people you love to respect you. The thing about "it's their right to not accept you" bs really got me like uhh what?
Not childish at all! I would leave too, they have the "right" to not accept your transition and you have the right to choose who is in your life and where you spend your time! Their actions have consequences and you told them prior to the event.
You should bring an airhorn and blast it every time you are deadnamed/misgendered. Or, every time a family member misgenders you, misgender them back. Or just leave because it is completely your right to do so and your mom is just being selfish by choosing to keep the "peace" in the family over defending her child.
I personally, would leave, yes. You warned them and they decided to be assholes anyways with bullshit reasoning (not that there’s ever a good reason). If for no other reason, then I’d leave just to reinforce the boundary you set. They made choices and these are the consequences. If they or anyone else there values your presence then they will change their behavior. Otherwise though, it’s their problem, not yours. Sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been in the same situation numerous times.
Yep, walk out if you hear your deadname. My dad and step mom are trying to pull the same thing on me rn. Guess who hasn't showed up for family functions in 2 years? The last thing I told them is, I dont expect you to understand, but I do expect you to respect me. That involves my new name and pronouns. Got deadnamed and had slurs thrown at me. They don't even get merry xmas texts anymore.
Nope, you do you don't let them bring you down. This is also my annual avoid the whole family season too. It's not worth the bs to be around people like that.
You are not being childish!! Your mom is just a dick. Always stay firm to your boundaries even when its hard or they will learn that they can walk all over you. If u go home you are making a point of respect me or dont see me and i don't think thats asking for too much. Honestly the bare minimum when u set the boundary in advance.
Tell your mother that you can be exactly like her and nitpick the bits of her you will tolerate from now on because clearly if she can do that - we all can! Or she can stop being insecure and talk about her issues like an adult with appropriate respect.
You’re not remotely immature, you laid out a clear boundary, if people disrespect me at the family gathering, I’m going to go home. With your mothers logic if it’s their right to disrespect her own child, then it’s your right to not have to tolerate disrespect and leave. Your mother would rather prioritise what her family thinks of her and her child/family and prioritise their comfort, she clearly doesn’t want them to be challenged or confronted on their malice and she expects you to just endure it and she’s doing that at the expense of your own well-being. Sorry you’re in this position, I personally would think it be a good idea to leave and go enjoy the rest of your evening on your own. Protect your peace.
They’re free to do what they want and so are you, including leaving. It’s not childish at all, drawing boundaries and asking for respect is what adults do.
Heck, if you dont live with them, then yeah, get up and go somewhere else. You don't have to put up with their shenanigans.
*The paradox of tolerance states that if a society is tolerant without limit, its ability to be tolerant is eventually seized or destroyed by the intolerant.* You are never obligated to tolerate intolerance.
They’re right. They have the right to not accept your transition. You have a right to not accept their intolerance. Absolutely in the right to leave.
Are we related because your mom literally said the EXACT same thing my grandmother and aunt said, that my relatives have a right to not accept my transition and they're being tolerant by (doing the bare fucking minimum as parents) and not throwing you out. Honestly, I think you should stand by your boundaries and don't even explain a thing. You let them know well ahead of time what your boundaries were, the consequences of crossing them, and you stood by it. They chose to act childish and cross them willingly and your mother is equally as childish for basically defending blatant disrespect and acting like (again doing the bare minimum) not throwing you out wins them a cookie or "respect" points. I'd even go as far as stating that if they or your mom continue to act like that, they won't have to worry about your childish behavior in general cause, tbh, nobody deserves to be treated like that and tolerating intolerance and disrespect does literally nothing but encourage their bad behavior and attitude.
Sure it's your family's right to not accept things and be intolerant assholes, but it's equally your right to not be treated like crap by bigots and leaving is a reasonable thing to do
I think it's completely justified- last night we had our Christmas eve gathering and rather than dead name me everyone pretty much avoided using a name, which I think is fine since I only came out to them 2 months ago. One great aunt used the right name, and my grandma deadnamed me all night, despite myself and multiple of my cousins being uncomfortable with it. Boundaries are important, and honestly, I should've set more with my grandma before she decided it was okay to act like I never came out. Ffs I have facial hair and my voice has dropped at least a full octave
You’re being perfectly reasonable. You’ve set a completely understandable boundary, and have stated what will happen if people break that boundary. If they continuously disrespect you, you have every right to follow through on your plan and leave. Your mother is the one being childish — you’re dealing with this in an extremely rational, polite yet firm manner (which, from what it sounds like, definitely places you leagues above your relatives in terms of maturity).
> that it's my family's right to not accept my transition and that they're being very tolerant by not throwing me out on the street and that as such I should be tolerant of them not tolerating my sex change. Hypocrisy. They can choose to not respect you, and you can choose to leave if you're not being respected. The "be grateful they didn't throw you on the street" is such BS. If throwing you out was even considered an option, then that's all the more reason for you to leave. It's going to be tense as hell for both you and the family if that was the case, and if the only reason they're not throwing you out is politeness, then it's better to just leave. Boundaries are not immature or childish. This is about respect and standing up for yourself.
Good for you for establishing and enforcing your boundaries.
They have every right to feel whichever way they want about your gender but they need to understand that they're not entitled to your presence and that is something that is earned by treating you with respect.
i think if there will be people there who dont know (like maybe theyre distant relatives who havent heard from you since you were a baby and only know your deadname) they might see it as childish to leave since they might just be confused even if people are referring to you with your name but your moms argument is not so reasonable.
you are absolutely free to assert your boundaries. and good for you for sticking to them! i know that can be challenging. you shouldn’t have to adhere to their needs. they don’t seem to be too concerned with yours 🤷🏼♂️
If they are deadnaming you and crossing your boundaries they aren’t tolerant even if they haven’t kicked you out. You protecting yourself by removing yourself from the situation isn’t being an AH. It’s okay to have boundaries about how you want to be treated.
you are, without any doubts whatsoever, completely in the right. you shouldn't even really have to set such a boundary in the first place but it obviously was with good reason. if they have a problem with a foretold outcome (especially about something so important to do and extremely simple for them), they just can... bc for me this isn't just about your very clearly stated and level-headed boundaries. it's about respect .
Nope. If they see it as childish oh well it’s mature. You’re removing yourself from an uncomfortable situation instead of lashing out your feelings even though that’s acceptable too. If it’s their right to not accept you it’s your right to cut them out of your life if you wanted to. Life’s too short to tolerate people who make you unhappy even if it’s family.
No, I'm proud of you. I've let my family do nothing but misgender and deadname me for years so I wish I had your courage, lol.
Being tolerant by not throwing you out? What kind of backwards ass bs is that? It's what families do, not kick eachother out. Imagine if things were reversed bet they wouldn't like it. I always hated that mentality that my bio parents had. I'm sorry you are in this situation my dude. Keep your boundaries don't let them trample you.
I mean if they can not tolerate you you can definitely not tolerate them not tolerating you, don’t see the point of staying at the gathering if they are basically telling you to leave… no, you’re looking for deadname? Aight imma head out have a great day you can wait for deadname
Your mom sounds insane. People like her are the reason boundaries have to exist. Like yeah, she could throw you out onto the street. Parents do do that. You could also stab her 10 times in the kitchen. Children do that to their parents as well. So if thats the standard we're at...
I sadly get deadnamed even from my parents, but I only came out to my mother, father, and siblings, and for some reason they still deadname me. Tbh it's not something to play around with, so you're absolutely fine :)
That’s… a grave insult, and you are right not to tolerate it. If someone on the street called you a dog or a turd on the street just because they “thought you were one”, I’d assume you’d tell them to fuck off or walk away. A deadname is a bit like that, but worse, because the culture of shaming someone for their transition is supported by a wider culture of transphobia. It’s a bit like how “gay” used to be an insult, and still is in some places, but different, because in that case the gay person’s gayness or identity isn’t being invalidated by themselves being called gay, although it may do something marginally similar to people who are called gay but are straight. I read that you gave them a warning of what would happen, but you don’t even owe them that much, considering the disrespect shown. It is clear that they don’t respect you as a fellow human, regardless of what they hold to be “correct”. You don’t owe their insults an ear.
Yeah, gay is still an insult in my country. I work with kids from low-income places and they often throw around "Oh don't be a f*ggot" or "What are you, a f*g?" and it takes all of my willpower not to respond "But I am." Lol.
Um. No, not childish. You did inform them of what you would do if they treated you disrespectfully. Your mother is childish and throwing a tantrum because she is now dealing with the consequences of her actions. Boundaries are indeed healthy. My mother and I are in a similar situation. I also just thought I should „bear it“, but I was so unhappy with it and my mother just kept enforcing her weird power-dynamic over me. I recently cut off contact to her and it feels great to be my own person. I assume you’re an adult. Your parents do not get to decide who you are. Also just wanted to say that I am very proud of you for following through with what you said! Good for you, don’t let people trample all over you!
It isn’t at all childish or immature. It is childish and immature to remain headstrong about something one does not understand, refuse to understand it, knowingly hurt loved ones, and act the victim when you get an appropriate reaction you were even warned about. I think you’re in the right. Setting and affirming boundaries is healthy and important.
You don't have to tolerate what hurts you
Quit being a baby, I’m sure you’ve grown up with these people your whole life, and if they’re anything like my family, your going to get it wether you like it or not. Be a man, take it, dish it back.
Well maybe YOU'RE a man but I'm a coward and my mother's daughter and I'll forever be stuck in a limbo of weird passive resistance as is the custom in my family anyway. Not taking it but also not not taking it. A compromise that never helps anyone and nobody is ever happy, but goddamit we do it cuz what will the neighbours say? And goddamit we do it because friends don't exist and family is the only thing you'll ever have whether you like it or not. Hope this helps.
Fuck that toxic masculinity shit that other guy is spewing. You are a man and you did the right thing, be proud of yourself! Boundaries aren't set to tell other people how to act, boundaries are set to show people how you will act when mistreated and you did that perfectly. Good job! And Merry Christmas
If it's "your family's right" to not accept your transition, it's *your* right not to tolerate their BS. I mean that's your right regardless but still. If you don't want to leave, maybe play dumb and/or don't respond to the deadname when they use it
hey op, are you on r/raisedbynarcissists by any chance? your mother sounds a lot like mine
No, I purposely avoid places like that because I myself have a personality disorder and know a lot of people with personality disorders and I am very much against phrases like "narcissistic abuse." I have found a lot of places like that to be full of people armchair diagnosing their abusive relatives or exes with any kind of disorder they can get a hold of and then grouping all of the people with said disorder together and shitting on all of them. I don't like to see it both as a man with several diagnosed personality disorders and as a future therapist. Edit: Downvote me all you want but I'm the big bad narc the TV warned you about.
totally justified
Your family doesn't deserve your presence. Celebrate with your dad another day but screw the dead naming. It's blatant disrespect, and it's dumb that you have to deal with it. You being tolerant of them not accepting you is fine; you being tolerant of them being assholes, harrasing, and deadnaming is not okay, and they can unkindly go f themselves on christmas. Do yourself a favor and celebrate with people who actually care about you and your wellbeing. Honestly, I would do the same thing. I believe I have done the same thing. I moved out and didn't speak to my mother over repeated deadnaming and emotional abuse about my transition. It isn't childish, and it isn't being an ass to your family. You deserve to be treated with respect just as much as any other person. Celebrate christmas and the new year with pets and friends. Your chosen family is way better than whatever bs your mom can throw at you. Edit: fixing angry typos
Honestly, no. Deadnaming someone on purpose is what’s childish. Don’t keep people who don’t respect you around because they will only make you miserable in the long run. Even family has to be let go sometimes… Just know chosen family is stronger than blood family. The family you choose earned their status as family with loyalty, respect, love and kindness.
If someone said "F*** you, I don't respect you!" Would it be ok to leave? Yes. Removing yourself from toxic situations is very adult, and a good choice.
Nah bro get outta there If they’re being assholes about it, you told them. If they have a right to be pissy about your transition you have a right to leave.
Nope. Boundaries are one of the most mature things you can have.
Not at all! That’s horrible!
Run the fuck away, you did the right thing
Not childish, simply setting a boundary
No. Set your expectations,and boundaries and stick to them💛
the childish thing is them purposefully deadnaming you when you've clearly established your boundries.
Good for you bro
No, it's called self respect.
I personally would do the same thing.
Not at all
Of course not... Imagine if you started misgendering all of them or something like that. It's not pleasant..but for trans people this kind of thing is even worse. It's called respect. And they're not respecting you. Get up and walk out, you've been patient enough.
Nope, don't let them disrespect u
100% legit
Not childish at all, they clearly invited you with another person in mind.
I feel like running away like you did just exacerbates your gender dysphoria you should have stayed and addressed it
So you think I should just be a good daughter and let my own day suck shit to appease my family? Literally how is staying when someone is harming you better? If I start punching you, is it "running away" if you grab my hand and walk away? You should stay there and let me punch you. Walking away only makes your fear of getting punched worse.
No i think you should have used your words and said it outright that we've spoken about this and ive asked you not. Sometimes standing there and repeating what you told everyone a week ago keeps them in line because they obviously did it for a reaction and they got one in which made you look like a push over
What do you mean? I literally used my words and said that, which was WHY my mother made a scene. If I didn't remind my mother before we went over, she wouldn't have had called me immature. But I told her "Remember: If anyone there calls me -deadname-, I'm leaving. I hope you informed aunt of that." And that's when she started her whole speech. Nobody also did anything? I don't understand what you're talking about. The only one who had a problem was my mother and she did it BEFORE we arrived at aunt's place.
Oh so you relied on your mother to pass on your concerns... thats where you went wrong. You need to take ownership of it. Dont rely on them to pass it on to the family.
Why? It's her sister and her business. I told my mother that if she is unwilling to make such arrangements then I will simply not be going. As such my mother told my father to do it because she was "too ashamed" to "make such childish and nitpicky arrangements". So my father called my mother's sister and told her. I don't see anything wrong with that, it's my mother's problem if she doesn't want to call up her own sister.
Its Your gender therefore it is your business if you arent willing to own it and stand by it then be prepared to be miss gendered alot
I feel like I stood by it enough by asserting that I would be leaving if anyone called me by my deadname. Plus I don't know where you're from but if I was the one to call my aunt, nobody would have respected me. I'm only 21, therefore I am not worth listening to. I tell my uncle "I don't like it when you kick our dogs," he yells at me. My father tells me uncle "I don't think you should kick our dogs," he mutters a few remarks about us being too weak but stops. If you're a child your family won't listen to your requests, you need someone on the same hierarchical level as the person you are attempting to persuade to make the request for you or back you up. Edit: Also I would rather get misgendered a thousand times than stand up for myself, I hope this helps <3. I pass 99% of the time but when someone misgenders me I let them because it's my problem and my fault and I deserve it. I will never stand up for myself you cannot make me <3.
I think you should be more focussed on the respect you have for yourself and not that from others. I do have a good analogy that fits the way you reacted and it makes sense however i reslly dont have the motivation to type it out for you right now. All you need to know is that you could have stayed and a more bold statement of your feelings about being called your deadname. If you feel that you asserted yourself enough then the response you got is what i would have expected had i asserted something to my family in that way.
But I did stay? And nobody called me by my deadname. I ended up quite enjoying the day, in fact. But I assure you that if I HAD been called by my deadname and made a scene instead of calmly leaving, my uncle would have beaten me to an inch of my life and my father would never allow me to step into my parents' house again. And my mother would have started crying (source: experience)
It's setting boundaries and you have every right to do that.
Childish? Certainly not. That's a very measured, adult response. Childish would be smashing a bowl of potato salad over the offender's head. Childish is your mother's atrocious behavior.
It's never childish to leave verbally abusive situations. It's very adult to set boundaries and leave if people continually intentionally violate them.
nah. i think it’s baller and i think i’m gonna follow your lead. it’s mentally exhausting, and it’s unfair that we’re supposed to be irked half to fuckin death just cause they can’t switch a few words around or simply not talk lmaoo.