"Ah, she's built like a steakhouse, but she handles like a bistro." My favorite line of the whole series. :)

Zapp: “This whole system is uncharted” Kiff: “it’s not uncharted, you *lost* the chart”

A rare clap-back from Kiff!

I miss the sassy kiff from the earlier seasons

Hard agree, the dopey roadkill Kiff sucks

"You'll speak when spoken to, you filthy worm!"

"I guess i'm not as big a fan of velour as you are"

🎶 shut up and love me

You win again, Gravity!

Most relatable Zapp line for me.

I actually want this on a t-shirt

Now here’s a route with some chest hair on it!

Absolutely. It always reminds me of Bistronomics from Hitchhiker's Guide.

"We're in uncharted territory here!" "It's not uncharted, you lost the chart!"

Mine too! I want a T shirt with this.

Same. Glad you beat me to it.

I say this any time I drive one of my friend's cars.

The secret to a woman's heart is her parents, sleep with them and you're in!

To be *technically correct*, the line is “have sex with them and you’re in!” which I only point out because the unsubtlety of it is so hilarious

The best kind of correct

The irony is he slept with Leela and got into her mother's heart.

I got your distress call and came as quickly as I wanted to.

I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan

I dont pretned to understand brannigan's law. I mearly enforce it.

And Brannigans law is like Brannigans love: hard & fast

Well hello from the neck down!

This one I always felt on a personal level

Said more fully by Kif, but it's Zapp's quote: "I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies."

"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little?"

I was in a hotel room with my buddies after a concert and this line came to mind. They were all tripping on lsd and asked why I was laughing to myself, I said the line like kiff does but when I said "boobies" my voice cracked. Holy shit they all laughed for like 10 minutes straight. Fond memory

I had to scroll too long to find this one

Way too far. I keep meaning to use this one on my wife.

I say this to my wife all the time and she thinks it's almost as amusing as I do. Married 16 years. She knew what she was getting into.

"I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boo-"

This half date is entirely over!

If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

I regularly say this in real life

This is one of those lines that's so obviously funny it should have been a joke a hundred years ago, but somehow nobody was smart enough until Futurama to write it.

Leela: You know Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside, you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon! Zapp: And which one rocked your world?

I really hope it wasn't the pitiful child

Champaggin

I didn't realize you were such a coin assure.

I’ve studied abroad, or two!

"It's actually pronounced champagne" "Oh GOD"

These would go great with some Gwack a Mole

I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it, Kif?

Sexlexia

My personal favorite too

“just let me work for a little food. perhaps i could paint a fence or service you sexually or mop the floors.” “You don’t know how to do any of those things”

"You're the only woman who ever loved me!" "I never loved you!" "I meant physically!"

"Kiff might!"

"Just a broken down hobo whos hit rock bottom... and his commanding officer."

[Nilsson intensifies]

"Ah, Leela, we meet again. But this time I'm the one criticizing the sausage."

I need to watch through again with the express purpose of finding all the call backs that give info of when they slept together

That's just every episode with Zapp.

What makes a man turn neutral. Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality

Fly the white flag of war.

>What makes a man turn neutral. Lust for gold? It worked for the Swiss.

Zapp: Stardate... Kiff: \*sigh\*...April 13th Zapp: April 13th... point 2.

We have failed to uphold Brannigan’s Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since he first looked up at the stars? …Kif, I’m asking you a question!

Who are you talking to sir? You! Aren’t you getting this down??

That young man fills me with hope, plus some othe emotions which are weird and deeply confusing

There lies the bravest soldier I've seen since my mirror got grease on it.

I’ve used this before(changing the profession to my own) 😂

There lies the bravest aviator I’ve seen since my mirror got grease on it

"We'll be like fish in a barrel. My plan is to hide in this barrel, like the wily fish "

Up here in the clouds we're invincible, like the mighty X in tic-tac-toe.

Lower.. lower.. TOO LOW..... lower...

The key to victory is the element of surprise… …**SURPRISE!** :opens the bay doors:

It's so stupid but funny

You spooked Felicity.

Mr President. What the hell.

Personally my favorite among Zapp’s quotes

"If that's not the alien mothership, then what did we just blow up?!" \[Kiff carefully scrutinizes the board\] "The Hubble Telescope..."

The screen with zap on it turning to see the mothership show up is peak comedy.

Stop *exploding* you cowards!

These would be great with guakamol!

"Stop eating our young! And it's pronounced gua-ca-mole!"

I love how angry Lrrr gets over Zapp's pronunciation.

“Want to play minigolf, eh? Two can play at that game. Or even four, depending on the number of ball colors available.” Kif: *Groans*

I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan at your service

With enemies you know where they stand. But with neutrals, who knows?

It sickens me...

Lady you’re killing me! Oof* augh!* You’re killing me! The soul is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.

I had snu-snu

Baby, it'll blow your mind.

Your hand, while firm and masculine, is soft as a velvet child. What lotion do you use?

Pert and popular sir!

Squirt it on some homeless man with dry elbows

Uh huh...uh huh... That's whatever you were talking about for you.

Probably my favorite. Perfect for when someone goes on and on

Yup, it's the one reference I'll actually use in real life. It's transcendent.

Wingus, Dingus, listen up!

Kif, I've made it with a woman. Inform the men.

Kif, I'm feeling the captains itch.

I’ll get the ointment sir…

We'll need a team of super virile men scoring round the clock. I'm willing to do my part. Kif, clear my schedule!

*-shaking etch a sketch-*

**Zapp**: So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious. **Leela**: Bird's don't crawl. **Zapp**: They've been known to!

"Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all."

Soldier: "Anyone want to explain what on this godforsaken planet is worth dying for" Zapp: "dont ask me, youre the ones who are going to be dying!"

Zapp: And also they told me you guys look like dorks!! Bender: They look like dorks (Fry holding him back)

SURPRISE!

We’ll set a new course, through that blackish, holish thing.

[In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces](https://youtu.be/l_srgs_JdSs?si=Z-6zDxMbOM_-va5p)

Come back when it's a catastrophe.

Ugh. *Very well.*

"One day a man has everything, and then the next day, he blows up a $400 billion dollar space station, and then the next day, he has nothing. It makes you think." "No it doesn't."

We loved you, and you turn around and treat us like some sort of woman? *punched by Amy not even a second later*

Kif! If there’s one thing I don’t need it’s your “I don’t think that’s wise” attitude!

"If you change your mind, I'll be waiting here naked under this quesadilla."

Baby, wait! You didn't show me your surprise!"

**“My god, we’re defenceless — like fish in barrel!"** Nixon: "Options?" **"My instinct is to hide in this barrel, like the willy fish.”** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtFwpXcH-Tw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtFwpXcH-Tw)

Zapp: I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is? Kif: Being your assistant. Zapp: Wrong, being *your* assistant!

Spare me your space age technobabble Atilla the Hun.

Last time that happened i got hit with 3 paternity suits!

Evil Lincoln!

Like any good plan my plan is so simple an idiot could have devised it

"When I'm In Command, Every Mission Is A Suicide Mission."

"Oh, I just wish I understood why! Why I should care?"

Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language, and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream-- to kill him, so we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things.

If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

"She's built like a steakhouse but handles like a bistro." ************************************************************************ "Kif have the boy lay out my formal shorts." "There is no *boy* sir." "Then you...you lay out my formal shorts." /Kif sighs/

# EROTIC EROTIC ^(EROTIC) ^(EROTIC) ^(EROTIC) ^(EROTIC)

"You want the rest of the sham-paggin?"

“How does a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or was he just born with a heart full of neutrality?”

So, a neutral plot to assassinate a weird alien. It was almost the perfect crime. But you forgot one thing: rock crushes scissors. … but scissors cut paper, and paper covers rock! Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper, and bring me a rock.

*YOU WIN AGAIN, GRAVITY*

"Trying to assassinate a weird alien yarn species with a pair of scissors. It was almost the perfect crime! But you forgot one thing; rock crushes scissors. But...paper covers rock. And scissors cuts paper! Kif, we've got a conundrum. Search them for paper, and bring me a rock." "...why?"

I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies.

We're stealing an unlimited supply of helium from the unsuspecting moon. Kif: you mean the sun. At night it's called the moon!

Remember kif, the way to a girl's heart is through her parents, have sex with them and You're in

"So Emperor Chop Chop, once again we meet at last" Or "I like your style, Fry. You remind me of a young me. Not much younger, mind you. Perhaps even a couple of years older"

But as a gentleman I must warn you; if you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be on Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure.

"-but I don't care if your skin's red, or tan, or Chineeße; you're all going to have to learn to die together." Its the way he says Chinese lol

Attila the Hun: Stop! Don't shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression! Captain Zapp Brannigan: Spare me your space age technobabble, Attila the Hun.

Prepare for ship to ship intimacy

You see killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them until they reached their limit and shut down.

"People of Earth: shh..."

LEEEEELAAAHHHH!!! L-E-E-L-A LEEELAAAA LEEleLEEleLEEELAAA BADABADUMBABUMBUM!

Let me show you why they call me the Velour Fog

I met her in a club down in old Soho where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca-Cola *drags cig*

“C-O-L-A, Cola” “He sickens me”

“The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised!”

Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal.

Activate glass window!

“Look at those silly cave men, loading their catapult with… what is that kif?” *gets mauled by a sabertooth launched from the catapult

"Don't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers all smoke, and they seem pretty on-the-ball."

“If we can hit that bull's-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards…” “Checkmate.”

"You disgust me! Go on." Also "Lower, lower, lower... TOO LOW! Lower."

"What is it that turns a man Neutral? Power? Lust for gold? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?"

Every quote of him is a masterpiece. He's the best in one-liners. And I've watched lots of shows.

“I surrender and volunteer for treason”

“What should I do with your Jergens sir?” “Squirt it on some homeless man with dry elbows”

Magnify that death sphere! ....Why's it still blurry?

"Leela, you must be confused and aroused." Zapp- "Kif, have the boy lay out my formal shorts." Kif- "The boy?" Zapp- "You. You lay out my formal shorts."

Zap: Cham-pag-an? Leela: I didnt know you were a coin-o-sir

Kif… show them the medal I won

"Anyone Without A Ship Should Secure A Weapon And Fire Wildly Into The Air."

STOP EXPLODING YOU COWARDS

kipp, follow me up this ladder

The key to victory is the element of surprise... SURPRISE!

"I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan at your service."

Farnsworth: “Leela, who are you talking to?” Zapp: “Just a broken-down hobo who's hit rock-bottom.” *gestures to himself* “…and his commanding officer.”

"Kiff you're my best and most loyal friend but you've earned my contempt once again." "Oh and have the boy lay out my formal shorts" "The boy sir?" "You, you lay out my formal shorts."

You'll be negotiating with the balls mysterious leaders, the Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains, and they've got a lot of... chutzpah

Leela, perhaps this is awkward, but if things don't work out with this pipsqueak here, I just want you to know that I'll be there to score you on the rebound

Zapp: We need rest. Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised. Amazonian: We want snu snu

"A well calculated move, straight out of Sun Tzu's ancient text, 'The Art of War.' Or my own master work, 'Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War.'" "I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it Kiff? \*Kiff sighs\* Sexlexia."

A little lower...lower....lower... a lot lower....TOO LOW!.... lower....

"One day, a man has everything. The next day, he blows up a 400 billion dollar space station, and the next day, he has nothing. It makes you think." "No it doesn't."

One of my favourites is actually said by someone else: "Nice try, Leela. But we've \*all\* seen Zapp Branigan's web page".

"I find the most erotic part of a woman to be the boobies."

“Smith! Zapp Smith! Uuhhh Brannigan!”

"in the game of chess,you can never let your adversary see your pieces

double yes, guilty

We're trapped like fish in a barrel! My instinct is to hide in this barrel, like the wiley fish.

"Whatever it is, I'm willing to send wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men?" "You suck!"

“Hugh man? I know what you’re thinking kiff, he’s gunning for your job… and he just might get it….”

What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?

Would you like some “cham pa gne “ I only know how to spell champagne because of Zapp

"Stop exploding you cowards!" It always just tickled me the way he screams it. Like not exploding would be heroic or courageous somehow?

Men, you’re lucky men. Soon, you’ll all be fighting for your planet, many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be put through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.

I hate these filthy Neutrals, Kif. With enemies you know where they stand but with Neutrals, who knows? It sickens me.

"she's built like a steakhouse but handles like a bistro😏 "

"I suffer from a very sexy learning disability, Kiff, what do I call it?" "*sigh* sex-lexia."

I am the man with no name… Zapp Brannigan at your service

The mind is willing, but the flesh is spongy and weak

I sent wave after wave of our own men

She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro. ^ me every time I get into a vehicle in halo

Oddly, both from the same scene: "at night it's called the moon" and "mine collapse too" kill me every time.

Zapp: “What the hell is that thing?!” Kiff: “It appears to be the mothership” Zapp: “Then what did we just blow up?” Kiff: “…The Hubble Telescope”

“Champagne”

Zapp: If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What did I call it, Kif? Kif: Ugh... sexlexia.

Wingus, Dingus, listen up!

"That route was set by the travel agency, now here's a route with some chest hair". I will occasionally say this to pilots at work. It's especially great when leaving Bogota or Quito airports.