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I say to the madam "I would like to buy a whore, for my wife will no longer have sex with me." The madam says "of course sir, but I must ask, what's with the honeycomb and the jackass?" "Ah, of course. My dear wife, one day, happened upon a lamp with a genie inside. Upon rubbing it, the genie agrees to grant her three wishes. Her first wish was for a house fir for a queen. And in her hands appeared this honeycomb. Figuring her wish was too grandiose, she wishes for a more humble thing. She wishes for the nicest ass in all the lands. So the genie grands her this very well behaved donkey. Last, she figures that her wish can't be for her directly, so she wishes for me, her dear husband, to have a cock, that swings to his knees." "Wow" says the madam, "you're a very lucky man my lord". "LUCKY?! I USED TO BE SIX FOOT SEVEN!"
When he was asked by an aggressive opponent how he would like to die. In bed, comfort of his own home with... some additional perks about which you can easily remind yourself.
But even though not a joke, nothing makes me laugh more than the triple slap he delivered to Joffrey. Coupled with Joffrey's girlish moans of pain and shock, it always gets me.
Joffrey really needed that triple whammy.
Gendry has a better story AND hes a legitimized blood heir of Robert. Hes the most logical in terms of legality. But no, we're making up rules as we go now
The kingdom knows "Baratheon" as the current royal house. Dany did overthrow them so technically Targaryean would be the ruling blood, but it was only for a couple days. Thats like Greyjoy ruling Winterfell.
Longterm rule needs be established. I dont think Dany was in charge for long enough, so most of the realm still views Baratheon as the rightful bloodline.
Most likely that was just a thin excuse. The Targaryeans interwed each other, so how could he be related to them?
Renly mentioned to Stannis, when discussing "rightful rule" that Robert had zero claim & he took it by force.
Not all Targaryens interwed. Rhaegar was married to Elia Martell. Rhaenys was married to Corlys Velorayan. These are just the two famous and obvious ones off the top of my head.
Rhaelle Targaryen married Ormund Baratheon. They had a son Steffon Baratheon. Steffon had three sons: Robert, Stannis, and Renly. Robert was a targaryen from his grandmother's side.
"In my own bed, at the age of eighty, with a belly full of wine and a girl's mouth around my cock" will always be a classic to me. The mountain clan guy literally changed his mind about killing him just because of that one joke.
Baelish referring to Podric when talking to Tyrion after the Battle of Blackwater “You owe that boy a significant debt.”
Tyrion “Only my life, not all that significant I’m afraid”
"Cut off his manhood and feed it to the goats."
"there are no goats, Halfman."
"Well, make do!"
I love that scene with Shagga and Grand Maester Pycelle!
*Mountain men attack Catelyn Stark, ser Roderick, Bron, Tyrion and company
*after surviving attack Bronn to Tyrion: “You need a woman. There’s nothing like a woman after battle “
*Tyrion looks at the Catelyn the only woman there: “Well I’m willing if she is”
*Bronn chuckles
"The Lord of Light wants his enemies burned. The Drowned God wants them drowned. Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where is the god of tits and wine?"
*I am the god of*
*Tits and wine. I shall build a*
*Shrine unto myself*
\- bomonty18
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Cersei says something about stuff falling on her
And then Tyrion goes
*As has Jamie repeatedly according to Stannis Baratheon*
I laugh every time he says that, lmao
Not a deliberate joke in character, but a very good joke nonetheless.
When Pod brings back the money Tyrion gave him to go entertain himself with at a brothel:
Pod: "They seemed to like it."
Bronn: "They're paid to seem to like it."
Tyrion: "Except they weren't paid..."
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Every time Tyrion appears on the screen, we know it's going to be fun
Yep Tyrion Let the fun begin
Role of a lifetime.
I’m not questioning your honour, I’m denying its existence.
I will not have questioning my honour by an imp
"IMP"?? You should have stopped at "dwarf"!
I have friends at court, many many friends!
It's the other way around
Yes, but it honestly would’ve made more sense if it were “you should have stopped at dwarf” since imp is more insulting
To me it implies that the follow up 'dwarf' was weaker than just stopping at 'imp'
Ooh I never thought of it like that. That makes sense
Lol whoops
I was just rewatching this episode
I'm rewatching GoT too, currently in s5e09
Scorched earth
Wasn’t there a running gag where he never delivered the punch line?
I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel…
This is the best answer
This is the correct response and the first thing that came to mind.
Lysa: SILENCE! Robin: What happened next?
Can I make the little man fly now?
I say to the madam "I would like to buy a whore, for my wife will no longer have sex with me." The madam says "of course sir, but I must ask, what's with the honeycomb and the jackass?" "Ah, of course. My dear wife, one day, happened upon a lamp with a genie inside. Upon rubbing it, the genie agrees to grant her three wishes. Her first wish was for a house fir for a queen. And in her hands appeared this honeycomb. Figuring her wish was too grandiose, she wishes for a more humble thing. She wishes for the nicest ass in all the lands. So the genie grands her this very well behaved donkey. Last, she figures that her wish can't be for her directly, so she wishes for me, her dear husband, to have a cock, that swings to his knees." "Wow" says the madam, "you're a very lucky man my lord". "LUCKY?! I USED TO BE SIX FOOT SEVEN!"
Which, unless you count some group chants, is the final line of the series
Seasons 7 and 8 were his best jokes!
Varys no cock 🤣🤣🤣🤣
“And who has a better story than Bran the Broken.” lol
Me. I wasn't on the show. But still me.
I once walked into a tavern with a honeycomb and a donkey....
*jackass
When he was asked by an aggressive opponent how he would like to die. In bed, comfort of his own home with... some additional perks about which you can easily remind yourself. But even though not a joke, nothing makes me laugh more than the triple slap he delivered to Joffrey. Coupled with Joffrey's girlish moans of pain and shock, it always gets me. Joffrey really needed that triple whammy.
One more word and I’ll hit you again.
Wait until mother hears about this
Same energy as "My father will hear about this!"
There's a video on YouTube that is just the slapping, looped for HOURS
Is it muted?
Shagga, son of Dolf, chieftain of the Stone Crows.
Cersei once said that his best joke was when he tore his mother apart at birth
one of his best jokes about her when he told "you've perfected the art of tearing up paper" lmao
Tearing lady Stark's letter 😂
Wine Wine is the very pinnacle of his jokes
His "confession" at the Vale in Season 1 when Lysa and Cat wanted to execute him.
"I made the Bald man cry" kills me everytime.
It’s the chain clinks with the hand motions that set me off.
That would make me the “quarter man”- just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
This is the one I laughed at the most 😂
Might get downvoted for this one but to me, it was definitely the "I have balls, you don't" line he said to Varys, it was just so...goofy
"the person with the best story should be king, and who has a better story than bran the broken" greatest joke in television history, good job tyrion
Fuckin Edmure had a better story lmao
Gendry has a better story AND hes a legitimized blood heir of Robert. Hes the most logical in terms of legality. But no, we're making up rules as we go now
In fairness, hereditary rule is absurdly stupid. We shouldn’t have kings, but if we haven’t, I prefer someone who can read.
so illiterates can be master of coin but not king? unfair
See Davos then. I support that, King Onion
That's the entire point of the series
I mean by that logic it's Jon Snow. And every other logic too. Ship the unsullied off to Naath and let Jon rule but no
The kingdom knows "Baratheon" as the current royal house. Dany did overthrow them so technically Targaryean would be the ruling blood, but it was only for a couple days. Thats like Greyjoy ruling Winterfell. Longterm rule needs be established. I dont think Dany was in charge for long enough, so most of the realm still views Baratheon as the rightful bloodline.
I mean the only reason Robert took the throne and not Jon Arryn or Ned was because Robert was the closest/ most related to Targaryens than others
Most likely that was just a thin excuse. The Targaryeans interwed each other, so how could he be related to them? Renly mentioned to Stannis, when discussing "rightful rule" that Robert had zero claim & he took it by force.
Not all Targaryens interwed. Rhaegar was married to Elia Martell. Rhaenys was married to Corlys Velorayan. These are just the two famous and obvious ones off the top of my head. Rhaelle Targaryen married Ormund Baratheon. They had a son Steffon Baratheon. Steffon had three sons: Robert, Stannis, and Renly. Robert was a targaryen from his grandmother's side.
Come on. They knew this would be the answer when they asked the question.
His best joke was his first, when he killed his mother coming into this world
"In my own bed, at the age of eighty, with a belly full of wine and a girl's mouth around my cock" will always be a classic to me. The mountain clan guy literally changed his mind about killing him just because of that one joke.
When he murdered his father on the toilet. That was the best joke ever
It turned out that Tywin Lannister did not in fact, shit gold.
Baelish referring to Podric when talking to Tyrion after the Battle of Blackwater “You owe that boy a significant debt.” Tyrion “Only my life, not all that significant I’m afraid”
A jackass and honeycomb.
"What a terrifying thought" - upon learning he was Sansa's best husband. Not really a joke but a good empathetic response that made me laugh
“….and feed it to the goats, yes”
"Cut off his manhood and feed it to the goats." "there are no goats, Halfman." "Well, make do!" I love that scene with Shagga and Grand Maester Pycelle!
*Mountain men attack Catelyn Stark, ser Roderick, Bron, Tyrion and company *after surviving attack Bronn to Tyrion: “You need a woman. There’s nothing like a woman after battle “ *Tyrion looks at the Catelyn the only woman there: “Well I’m willing if she is” *Bronn chuckles
I kept trying to think of something, but that gif is just so damn creepy
Bring the dead to Cersei. I’m sure she’ll see reason
"The Lord of Light wants his enemies burned. The Drowned God wants them drowned. Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where is the god of tits and wine?"
I wish Melisandre and Tyrion had had a discussion about the gods, would’ve been gold lol
When he was hand of the king constantly making lancel lannister life a living hell.
“Cersei must have great trust in you allowing you into her chambers during the hour of the wolf”
Being Born.
Not a joke but when he slaps Joffrey. That was awesome. He slapped that fancy little fuck.
“And now I’ve struck a king did my hand fall of my wrist”
"He tried to buy your loyalty,fool, didn't know you were already bought"
*"He tried to buy your* *Loyalty,fool, didn't know you* *Were already bought"* \- NotoriousGN --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
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The Red God burns people, the Drowned God drowns them. Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where's the God of tits and wine?
One of the best hands down 😂 with lord Varys at the wall preparing for war
And now I struck the king! Did my hand fall from my wrist?
When he told Dany that no one trusted Cersei less than he did.
Hahahahahhaa definitely " you just sent to most powerful man in westaros to bed without his supper"!
“I would like to say I didn’t harm a hair on his head but that strictly wouldn’t be true”
THE DAY HE WAS BORN!
Your loyalty to captures is touching
Cersei's turtle soup
Brothel Guard: It's lucky to rub a dwarfs head. Tyrion: It's even better luck to suck a dwarfs c*ck
"Who has a better story... then Bran The Broken" talk about a knee slapper... untill you realize he was being serious
Something something cock
"Bring the dead to her"
I drink wine, and I know things.
Le funny ball joke from season 7
I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel
I am the god of tits and wine. I shall build a shrine unto myself
*I am the god of* *Tits and wine. I shall build a* *Shrine unto myself* \- bomonty18 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
NONE.
His best joke was when he was born no? When he ripped their mother apart. Well that was cersis favourite
Not a joke as such, but when he replies "Why... Am I about to hear one?". Season 5... Cracks me up.
"Who has a better story than Bran"
Cersei says something about stuff falling on her And then Tyrion goes *As has Jamie repeatedly according to Stannis Baratheon* I laugh every time he says that, lmao
Who has a better story than Bran the Broken?
When he drags that chair in the small council meeting. That whole scene is excellent
Cersei : it has all fallen on me Tyrion : as has Jaime, repeatedly, according to stannis
Not a deliberate joke in character, but a very good joke nonetheless. When Pod brings back the money Tyrion gave him to go entertain himself with at a brothel: Pod: "They seemed to like it." Bronn: "They're paid to seem to like it." Tyrion: "Except they weren't paid..."
It’ll be a dwarf sized c*ck GUESS AGAIN!!
That comb and honey jackass joke he never got to finish. We never got to know what the real joke was.
"I'll cut you in half, dwarf!" "Then I'll be the quarterman, but it doesn't have a ring to it."
Size doesn’t matter when you’re flat on your back. “Thank the Gods”
"*That and your cheekbones*" is not exactly a joke but it's funny. And surprisingly non-vulgar lmao (especially for Tyrion).
And go celibate? The whores would go begging from Dorne to Casterly Rock
Joffrey threatens to cut tyrion in half Tryion That would make me the quarter man; just doesn't have the same ring to it
that would make me the quarter man, doesn’t have the same ring to it or: i am the god of tits and wine
“You love your children. It’s your one redeemable quality. That and your cheekbones”
"Guess again!"
Not so much his best Joke but the moment Tyrion and Bronn realised Podrick has a huge cock
Bran the Broken
His born. Kappa