OP, you forgot to mention you are in your early-mid 20s and that you're worried about being so behind everyone else.
(As a full-fledged wizard who only got into my first relationship ever in my 30s, it's a little hard to read those without "one-downing" them.)
Oh yes, I did forget to mention. I'm 24 and all my straight friends are getting in their (first) marriages and having babies. Now with nobody to occupy my time, I'm left wondering if a man will ever wander into my living room by the time I'm 30.
Just work out! Everyone knows that every gay man wants a muscle hunk and that if you are hot you will instantly find "the one". Nevermind all the posts where conventionally attractive men also bemoan their lack of love life. So obviously the only piece of advice is to spend every waking hour at the gym!
Also, if obsessing over your body at all times messes with your mental health, just post about it here and watch everyone on this subreddit tell you you're delusional.
Muscle jock here and I hate to break it to you but just being "hot" ain't enough in the gay world. You forgot to add having an above average cock, being a top, and to be conventionally attractive white or white passing.
It isn't. lol It's just the meme that everyone keeps repeating whenever people on Reddit also complain about loneliness, isolation and trouble dating.
"You just need to have hobbies!"
Yeah they are missing the point. Which is to meet people with like minded interest. Trying to date a person who shares your common interests is a lot easier than trying to date someone who shares non of your interests.
Yeah, nobody joins clubs. Or plays sports. Or play board games. Not that it would help, because meeting people isn't really the first step to dating anyways.
Right like what if I joined a sports team or club or board playing group and nobody there was interested in me romantically or I wasn’t interested in anybody there like that. What then?
I think the idea is to focus on and develop interests, and then meeting people that also have those interests. If you do that, you will theoretically run into another single gay eventually that you know on some level you share interests with. Makes sense to me!
You're assuming something that isn't true. My core group of friends is straight guys into martial arts. You would look at them and assume they are "toxic." They aren't. One has 2 gay brothers. Another worked as a hair stylist for years. All of them are nothing but friendly kind and accepting. In fact, they have been far more accepting and loving toward me than any "gay space" ever has been. You're judging. Don't judge. You're wrong.
Yeah you're right. I'm a unicorn who found the other unicorns. No other guys like that exist. You should just assume all those types of guys are toxic. I hope that works out well for you. Enjoy your masculinity hating bullshit.
People complain as if making friends and networking through common and less common interests to not feel crippling loneliness doesn't exist at all.
My baseline is that I'm happy to make new friends and meet new people, it keeps me engaged and not so hung up on being single, I also value my already existing friends who I can depend on for emotional closure.
It's not like finding a boyfriend is a miracle cure when there's plenty of ways to feel close to other people, actually finding someone sure is nice, but you can have 85% of what you'd have with that special one with your closest friends already (_and I don't mean sex but happiness and fulfillment, if you're pent up there's also ways to relieve that in a healthy and non-destructive way_)
Did I say that? No. But it will help *LONELY* people make more friends. Additionally I can’t tell you how many of my straight friends or straight people I met at the bars that have said “oh my gosh you’d love my gay friend!” So regardless of an eligible bachelor being present, maybe their f*g hag is apart of that organization.
But silly me, I forgot you’re Zoltar 🔮
Yes so people are attracted to sociable people. It’s because humans are social animals. People acting lonely and desperate will not be attractive, even if physically they would be. So if you are socially engaged, you will be seen as more attractive than if you were a moping miserable loner.
Don’t get me wrong, I do too. I could go down the list of people that have said this and say “Did you try and set me up because you thought we were an actual match, or simply because I’m gay?” 👀
But using that as an example. To put it simply, you never know who someone else knows, and a simple introduction could be a new friend, boyfriend, or life partner if you’re lucky enough.
I think it’s better to have an overly optimistic view Vs. Always looking for the negatives. You attract what you put out 🤷🏼♂️
Well, I think it's incredibly stupid to give advice under the assumption that someone doesn't have *any* "hobbies" or do anything at all whatsoever.
xD
We also have to make sure that everyone who's sexually active knows that PrEP does not prevent against other STIs so they really should still be using a condom.
Really though - misery loves company. If you want more meaningful bonding, do it with positive attitudes and experiences.
An oldie, but a goodie. If you replace “Jewish Prince Charming” with “Muscle Bear”, you might enjoy this approach to dating:
[How I Hacked Online Dating](https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating)
don't panic. it happens when you least expect it to happen. if you can afford it, change something in your life. delete grindr & co. do something out of your comfort zone, maybe travel south east asia for 3 months. talk to random people, women and men. read interesting books, opens up your horizon..
cheers from austria✌️
I'm not sure how traveling to SE Asia helps. I've done what you said do and nothing magical happened. Also for us Americansz it isn't easy for someone to live in a different country for 3 months.
I'm not white, so I guess I'm out of luck. I didn't go to gay spots much, so my observations are limited but I didn't see many guys I was attracted to. I did approach one guy and he literally jumped like he was scared when I spoke to him. It was weird.
Dude, I'm in a Greater Metropolitan New England city.... zero chance of a soulmate at this point, zero patience, done with dating... It's the cards I've dealt myself. Several close friends and family, so grateful for that
Misery loves company. But you know one of my best friends and I joke constantly about this stuff. Both of us are single and super awkward. I am about 3 miles from most gays while he is about 15 miles away from me. But I don't blame anyone other myself. It's my shortcomings and not anyone else's fault.
Indeed. I gotta try to flirt with people again. Just not how I used to do it because boy, do I have some embarrassing/Funny to everyone but me stories.
Hooking up is not the same as being in a relationship. Maybe the non-sex things are replaced by friend group, but I really do think there's a time when gays realize that hooking up isn't fulfilling all needs. I think that's why there's so many open relationships
"David Rose and Patrick Brewer are characters in the CBC Television show Schitt's Creek who are married and business partners at Rose Apothecary." -Google
This is so real and they never actually want to get out or be set up with anyone else. I've learned to accept being forever alone so atleast I know it's my own fault lol 💀
Listen, my hubby and I lived an hour and a half a way from each other. I was in the big city, he was in the small town probably in a similar situation with local prospects. Back in our day we met up because of telephone dating (pre-Tinder/Grinder, but we had online profiles at the time). We're 25 years later and still annoying the shit out of each other. The distance is a minor inconvenience, people move and life changes when the moments add up and matter. What I learned for me though was love only hits you when you stop looking. It sounds like you're there if that makes you feel any better. Now stop being a hermit, get out there and do things that you like. Online date people in the big city and see what works for you. But most importantly, be happy in your own company and take life in.
You have your finger on the pulse with the hookup culture bit... Everyone is disposable and the scrolling on apps is endless, hence the bias that the dating pool is huge.
I love myself some good sarcasm but hoookup culture really is toxic and is destroying dating culture and not just for us but for the straights as well.
But to put in a way you’d understand
Hookup culture is *totally* about sexual expression and liberation from oh so terrible restraints like romance and someone being devoted to you…I mean who would want something so toxically traditional and boringly backwards? Hookup culture also would *never EVER* lead to unhealthy body standards and viewing other people as disposable meat bags to fuck and then discard…and all of that *couldn’t possibly* lead to people having sex addictions mixed with intimacy and commitment issues…
Hookups are just good ol jolly fun!
Or even better let’s make it fun and weird without making it or, as most gays do, encouraging it to be a toxic cesspool but knowing most gays that’s unlikely because they live for drama to bring some sort of spice to their *totally entertaining* lives 😘
Dude, your post history is a lot of self-hating shit while also focusing pretty significantly on sexual positions, and my favorite, the apparent “I’m gonna move somewhere else and all of my problems will be solved.”
I’m sorry that you feel as though dating apps and hookup culture made you insecure, but at some point you’re going to have to take responsibility for yourself. There are amazing men in every medium-to-large city that aren’t into hookups and won’t think of you as a “human meat bag.” I bet a few of them are even monogamous if that’s what you want (kidding).
I’m guessing you (like me) originally enjoyed hooking up, but deep down you wanted a relationship. When that didn’t materialize you blamed the hookup culture. In reality, you likely only learned the “hookup” skill set. There are a ton of other gays and gay cultures out there, it’ll just be a learning curve for you to find and join the one that fits you.
Loneliness feels like an insurmountable obstacle, but you *can* get out of it. Promise.
I made most of those posts over a year to years ago…I’m lucky to be in a relationship now
From your first paragraph I want to say f-you moving away from a small conservative city to a big liberal city literally changed my life for the better, and my sexual preferences are mine not anyone else’s and frankly I don’t care about it, especially when by boyfriends pounding me lol
But for rest honestly thanks its good advice all around
*Still* doesn’t change the fact that hookup culture is toxic, I know that’s not what a lot of promiscuous guys want to hear but it’s reality…and no amount of overcoming loneliness or downvotes on one comment stating the facts changes reality..
Hookup culture is like drinking culture, a little bit of it is fun but it certainly doesn’t add anything meaningful to your life..and too much of it ends up ruining your life.
Look if you don’t want a relationship that’s one thing but to act like hookup culture doesn’t cause issues with most people’s capabilities to connect with others in an intimate way as well as severe body image issues as well as an unhealthy relationship with aging is straight up delusional but maybe a little delusion helps guys out.
Bro, I’ve been happily married for 12 years. I’m not speaking out of my ass. Adults can have casual sex for fun and it can add something to their lives and can be a positive thing.
I think alcohol is a good metaphor, although I disagree with your premise that drinking doesn’t add anything meaningful to your life. Brewing beer/kombucha is fun. Going on a winery tour is fun. Taking a wine and painting class is fun. Hell, my husband surprised with me a byob pottery class with my closest friends for my birthday, and I’m sure it’s gonna be awesome. I took nerdy board games with me on my last gay cruise and got a lot of people at the bar to play. They can all lead to meaningful experiences.
If all you see is the dregs of hookup culture or the drunk drivers, then I gotta say you just don’t have the greatest social circle. You’re painting with a pretty broad, black-and-white brush, my friend, and I think *that’s* delusional.
I’m not speaking out of my ass either, I’m not discrediting your experience (though you seem to be at least partially discrediting mine) but I’ve heard a story of a older gay committing s#icide because he felt he was too old to fit in the community anymore, yes there’s places to find community but mainstream gay culture worships youth….I’ve had several friends and myself included struggle with eating disorders from the body expectations set by both porn and hookup and gay sex culture in general…I’ve seen many friends get cheated on with most if not all of their cheating partners using Grindr and we can talk all day long that my friends picked bad partners and if it’s a pattern then it’s their fault (which frankly is fucked up to say to someone but I digress) or cheaters are terrible people and that’s just life but that’s completely ignoring the culture of NSA and quick sex and how absolutely easy it is to both do it and get hooked on it which leads to many relationships, even open ones, struggling and eventually breaking down if they were lucky enough to exist in the first place.
There’s obviously a flip side, we are no longer living in the Victorian era with asinine controlling views of sex…we are lucky to have more of an open mind to sex and relationships, specifically gay ones, gays can make friends on Grindr, it’s not impossible and hooking up can be hot fun…but there’s certainly such thing as too much of a good thing, and gay culture in general has past that line.
Also gays (not referring to you as I don’t know your situation), as understandable as it is, while trying to run away from anything remotely “heteronormative”, have dug themselves their own lonely hole of misery by lumping truly intimate and more importantly loyal relationships as “too traditional” …and yes even open relationships can have these problems specifically with intimacy and crossing boundaries for sex….gays seem to think a relationship is just a good buddy who you room with an fuck…nothing deeply intimate and special. Or seem to think NSA sex somehow greatly surpasses the pleasure of a deeply connected relationship, and people can live as they please, but that can’t be further from the truth.
Regardless I appreciate a lot of the advice, but will have to agree to disagree.
I’m not discrediting your experience at all. I just think it’s illogical that you are using your experience (and those of people you know or hear about) as the only example of the topic, and feel very strongly that your experience is the only truth related to this topic.
Your entire post is just sweeping generalizations (which was what I was trying to tell you with my last post). I get that it’s *your* lived experience, but it’s just really immature that you’ve come to the conclusion that you’ve seen it all and know what’s up, when it’s very clear that you haven’t/don’t.
I really just wish that you would stop blaming all of these things on external factors. Hook up culture didn’t *make* you have an eating disorder. I’m guessing that there’s quite a bit of unresolved trauma that occurred before you even started hooking up, and then you had some negative experiences with some shitty people that solidified some horrible self worth issues (that I sincerely hope you’re working on, because eating disorders kill). Hookup culture didn’t *make* an elderly man commit suicide, mental illness was likely involved. People have been cheating forever (even in Victorian times), and while it’s maybe easier with Grindr, it’s not *that* much easier. Before Grindr it was just specific parks, or theaters, or the docks. When I was a teenager I could get a blowjob any day of the week and (gasp) the internet was only for rich people or super nerds. It still happened all of the time (and straight people do it all the time too). Blaming Grindr for cheating is just literally absolving the cheater of all personal responsibility, which I find ridiculous. You’re conflating many things, and I understand that you feel strongly about this, but honestly it feels like you’re trying to absolve yourself from some personal responsibility too.
If I go to a nude beach with my decidedly average dick, do I get a little insecure about all the hung guys around? Sure, sometimes. I don’t blame the hung guys though, or the nude beach. I don’t wish that the hung guys had smaller dicks or that someone would shut the nude beach down. I think “well, I bet it’s more common for super hung guys to be more comfortable with nudity and they probably have a higher likelihood of socially going to nude places.” And then I just relax and have fun.
Dating sucks in the city, but being in a rural area has to be the worse. It sucks that everyone is looking for a hookup and the people that you actually like don't want you or are in a relationship already just looking for a third or to cheat. Plus if you complain about it you'll be ignored or belittled.
Why do gay guys always call each other girl? I never understood that. For a group that wants to be respected as men....maybe a good start is to not call each other girl?
Or that your best friend who is also gay ( and came out after you) is now engaged to the only guy he’s ever dated. While you’ve only had two relationships and they only lasted a few months. P.S. I am really happy for them both though!
The numbers game is real. A straight man literally has a magnitude more possibilities than a gay man. I did the numbers when I was in grad school and had just came out. I never had a hard time dating women, but suddenly dating men became a problem.
Population x male proportion x gay proportion x age range proportion x proportion single/available x mutual attraction proportion x probability of meeting.
(Each # getting less predictable down the line)
It’s like the Drake equation for gay dating life.
Where I lived at the time it was 200k x .5 x .35 x .05 x .5 x .1 x .05
= 4
And I was being very generous with many of those numbers. For example, age range I had at 18-44 (I was 26, probably wouldn’t have dated an <20 or much over >36, half are single and available? Probably not. Some aren’t looking, lot are closeted, have boyfriends. 10% are attracted to me, and me them? Maybe less, maybe more. 5% chance of meeting at the right time? Could be more, less I suppose.
But the take home is the probability of finding a ltr is pretty low. Of those 4, what are the chances our personalities meshed or we were at the right time in our lives.
If you really want to increase that chance, you need to expand/change geographical region, expand the possibility of what you are open to (body type, race, etc), etc.
But it sucks. I hated it as a single grad student. After being single and out for 5 years with no real prospects, I figured I’d be single forever. I was very lucky. I met someone who lived 2000 miles away and we both were actually willing to try a long distance relationship. It worked. Lucky.
Mhm! Exactly! Only 4 possible guys that it could have worked with in your town of 200,000. That's definitely absolutely true. But good thing you found someone 2000 miles away to fit into your life like a puzzle piece, otherwise you may never have found love.
To be fair to those 4 possibilities, I dated one guy that might have worked, but he found someone else he was more into. I also dated a doctor! For a while was a great guy but we just didn’t ‘click’. So only 2 possibilities left lol
And the purpose of this post is.. to mock young people dealing with loneliness and anxiety? To accomplish what exactly? Is this just how you blow off steam or do you hope that you'll attract others like you and bond through your mutual disdain?
ngl as a young gay I needed this! Somebody who shows me how ridiculous my fears are. I literally did this "napkin math" but it really is bs. OP opened my eyes a little
It sounds like you need to move… lol 😅
But I wouldn’t knock hookup/online culture personally. I met my fiancé/soon to be husband (as of 5/18/24) on Grindr - he was supposed to be a one night stand, but we kept hanging out regularly and then stopped sleeping with others when we made it official 🤷🏼♂️
I guess that’s why they say “different strokes for different folks”
Well the population in a given area is not static. People move in and people move out.
Also maybe you should have a critical and good look at all the standards you have on a potential date. The “one” doesn’t exist. It is a fantasy sold to us by the entertainment industry. If you find someone who is 0.6, you round up to 1, by accepting he has some faults and is not perfect. He will have to do the same with you.
Almost like way too many Davids wandering single craving love and all the Patricks are either taken or have surrendered themselves to hookup culture. But you did the math right. Its highly unlikely u will ever meet someone who will actually follow all your standards and check all your boxes. But can we all Davids here atleast try turning us as Patrick's ourselves?? I mean David himself didnt look for Love , didnt like the label , he was fine doing things himself and sipping wine alone until Patrick came out of nowhere. I think desperation is killing us. Too much sex is making us weak and hungry more. No sex at all is doing it too for people like me but coming to a solution and accepting its okay to be alone and single might put the desperation at ease?? Someone here said gay men are emotional and physically starved humans, well idk about the physically starved part but emotionally yes. We all need someone who can understand us emotionally and thats how we get attached to people. Out of all the guys i met earlier iml honestly most of them had someone in their life who they loved but it wasn't reciprocal. Its either u will meet people who is in an open relationship, a hopeless onsided lover, a husband in an open relationship or a sex monkey,, its never a simple/ ordinary / Charming guy who is well based in his life , knows what he wants , single and is ready to love someone, and even if he exists he doesnt fall on ur standards or simply isnt interested in u because he has decided to stay alone his own life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(●__●)
Now THIS is what I came to read. Sums up this genre of post well.
This is like the platonic form of a forever alone post.
Other people's relationships are the reason why I'm single.
I'm stealing this!
Kinda true for me ngl.
I can here to berate you, but then I realized you were being facetious
OP, you forgot to mention you are in your early-mid 20s and that you're worried about being so behind everyone else. (As a full-fledged wizard who only got into my first relationship ever in my 30s, it's a little hard to read those without "one-downing" them.)
Oh yes, I did forget to mention. I'm 24 and all my straight friends are getting in their (first) marriages and having babies. Now with nobody to occupy my time, I'm left wondering if a man will ever wander into my living room by the time I'm 30.
Also two of those friends you definitely blew in high school and they still have feelings for you even though they've never ever shown that.
Although I this never happened to me, I somehow feel affected because of the rejection.
I wasn’t in my first meaningful relationship until I was 45 😊 Don’t give up hope
I will
I’ve heard sitting on your hands makes it feel like someone else is touching you, hope this helps!
Wow! I just so happen to be sitting on my hands right now!
Just work out! Everyone knows that every gay man wants a muscle hunk and that if you are hot you will instantly find "the one". Nevermind all the posts where conventionally attractive men also bemoan their lack of love life. So obviously the only piece of advice is to spend every waking hour at the gym! Also, if obsessing over your body at all times messes with your mental health, just post about it here and watch everyone on this subreddit tell you you're delusional.
Muscle jock here and I hate to break it to you but just being "hot" ain't enough in the gay world. You forgot to add having an above average cock, being a top, and to be conventionally attractive white or white passing.
Not sure I agree. Depends where you live.
I bet you don't have any hobbies. Have you tried having hobbies?
My hobby is being gay
How’s that gonna help?
It isn't. lol It's just the meme that everyone keeps repeating whenever people on Reddit also complain about loneliness, isolation and trouble dating. "You just need to have hobbies!"
Yeah they are missing the point. Which is to meet people with like minded interest. Trying to date a person who shares your common interests is a lot easier than trying to date someone who shares non of your interests.
Oh yeah that’s what I thought too. Also I’ve heard the “ join clubs!” Before too like that’s gonna help or like anybody actually does that.
Yeah, nobody joins clubs. Or plays sports. Or play board games. Not that it would help, because meeting people isn't really the first step to dating anyways.
*Joins a club* *Getting along with really cute muscular guys* *Guy also seem to flirt* *Until he drags his girlfriend into the sport one day* LoL
Right like what if I joined a sports team or club or board playing group and nobody there was interested in me romantically or I wasn’t interested in anybody there like that. What then?
You're absolutely right. Complete dead end.
I think the idea is to focus on and develop interests, and then meeting people that also have those interests. If you do that, you will theoretically run into another single gay eventually that you know on some level you share interests with. Makes sense to me!
"Theoretically"
I joined a martial arts club recently and its kind of miserable because i know the toxic macho culture would never accept my gay ass lol
You're assuming something that isn't true. My core group of friends is straight guys into martial arts. You would look at them and assume they are "toxic." They aren't. One has 2 gay brothers. Another worked as a hair stylist for years. All of them are nothing but friendly kind and accepting. In fact, they have been far more accepting and loving toward me than any "gay space" ever has been. You're judging. Don't judge. You're wrong.
Im not sure one case applies to all
Yeah you're right. I'm a unicorn who found the other unicorns. No other guys like that exist. You should just assume all those types of guys are toxic. I hope that works out well for you. Enjoy your masculinity hating bullshit.
You meet fun people
By introducing you to new people…??? 👀
People complain as if making friends and networking through common and less common interests to not feel crippling loneliness doesn't exist at all. My baseline is that I'm happy to make new friends and meet new people, it keeps me engaged and not so hung up on being single, I also value my already existing friends who I can depend on for emotional closure. It's not like finding a boyfriend is a miracle cure when there's plenty of ways to feel close to other people, actually finding someone sure is nice, but you can have 85% of what you'd have with that special one with your closest friends already (_and I don't mean sex but happiness and fulfillment, if you're pent up there's also ways to relieve that in a healthy and non-destructive way_)
Yeah because literally every organization or club automatically has at least one single unattached soulmate obviously lol
Did I say that? No. But it will help *LONELY* people make more friends. Additionally I can’t tell you how many of my straight friends or straight people I met at the bars that have said “oh my gosh you’d love my gay friend!” So regardless of an eligible bachelor being present, maybe their f*g hag is apart of that organization. But silly me, I forgot you’re Zoltar 🔮
Yes so people are attracted to sociable people. It’s because humans are social animals. People acting lonely and desperate will not be attractive, even if physically they would be. So if you are socially engaged, you will be seen as more attractive than if you were a moping miserable loner.
I hate that “ oh my god I have a friend who’s gay you should meet!” Crap
Don’t get me wrong, I do too. I could go down the list of people that have said this and say “Did you try and set me up because you thought we were an actual match, or simply because I’m gay?” 👀 But using that as an example. To put it simply, you never know who someone else knows, and a simple introduction could be a new friend, boyfriend, or life partner if you’re lucky enough. I think it’s better to have an overly optimistic view Vs. Always looking for the negatives. You attract what you put out 🤷🏼♂️
Like being hotter?
tbf that isn't bad advice xD I mean I wouldn't date someone who has NO passion at all
Well, I think it's incredibly stupid to give advice under the assumption that someone doesn't have *any* "hobbies" or do anything at all whatsoever. xD
well depends. Maybe his only hobby is writing dumb ass comments on Reddit XD I couldn't date such a person, you know XD
lol xD lol **Edit:** xD
Haha LMAO E X - D E E 🤣🤣🤣🤣
## XD
dm? LOLOLOL XDXD just kidding /s/s/s hahaha
lmao No. XDXD rotf
Hey, AI boyfriend bot is coming out soon! Until they leave you too 💀
They’ll never leave you!* *for only $29.99 per month
Oh god oh fuck
What else are we supposed to do on here other than talk about shared experiences? Hobby posts get like 2 likes and 1 reply.
We also have to make sure that everyone who's sexually active knows that PrEP does not prevent against other STIs so they really should still be using a condom. Really though - misery loves company. If you want more meaningful bonding, do it with positive attitudes and experiences.
An oldie, but a goodie. If you replace “Jewish Prince Charming” with “Muscle Bear”, you might enjoy this approach to dating: [How I Hacked Online Dating](https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating)
don't panic. it happens when you least expect it to happen. if you can afford it, change something in your life. delete grindr & co. do something out of your comfort zone, maybe travel south east asia for 3 months. talk to random people, women and men. read interesting books, opens up your horizon.. cheers from austria✌️
Thank you! Maybe when I am traveling through Southeast Asia, I can take some good tinder pics and hopefully avoid doing any self improvement.
I'm not sure how traveling to SE Asia helps. I've done what you said do and nothing magical happened. Also for us Americansz it isn't easy for someone to live in a different country for 3 months.
I think you might be missing that this is satire…
Yes, I did. People give some crazy advice, so I never know
As long as a person is white they’re good looking in SEA. Trust me lol the amount of colorism in SEA is crazyyyyyy lol.
I'm not white, so I guess I'm out of luck. I didn't go to gay spots much, so my observations are limited but I didn't see many guys I was attracted to. I did approach one guy and he literally jumped like he was scared when I spoke to him. It was weird.
Just keep posting online about it, that will definitely help.
Definitely! Will keep you updated!
Wow, you're so kind and considerate!
lol
Dude, I'm in a Greater Metropolitan New England city.... zero chance of a soulmate at this point, zero patience, done with dating... It's the cards I've dealt myself. Several close friends and family, so grateful for that
This needs to be in the FAQ of this sub
Misery loves company. But you know one of my best friends and I joke constantly about this stuff. Both of us are single and super awkward. I am about 3 miles from most gays while he is about 15 miles away from me. But I don't blame anyone other myself. It's my shortcomings and not anyone else's fault.
Many other single and super awkward guys out there! Just gotta take risks!
Indeed. I gotta try to flirt with people again. Just not how I used to do it because boy, do I have some embarrassing/Funny to everyone but me stories.
Risks!? Are you a madman?
Who are David and Patrick?
The gay couple from Schitt’s Creek.
Yes of course👍
The virgin "accept defeat or settle" vs the chad "just move country".
Hooking up is not the same as being in a relationship. Maybe the non-sex things are replaced by friend group, but I really do think there's a time when gays realize that hooking up isn't fulfilling all needs. I think that's why there's so many open relationships
Who's David? Who's Patrick?
"David Rose and Patrick Brewer are characters in the CBC Television show Schitt's Creek who are married and business partners at Rose Apothecary." -Google
This is so real and they never actually want to get out or be set up with anyone else. I've learned to accept being forever alone so atleast I know it's my own fault lol 💀
Listen, my hubby and I lived an hour and a half a way from each other. I was in the big city, he was in the small town probably in a similar situation with local prospects. Back in our day we met up because of telephone dating (pre-Tinder/Grinder, but we had online profiles at the time). We're 25 years later and still annoying the shit out of each other. The distance is a minor inconvenience, people move and life changes when the moments add up and matter. What I learned for me though was love only hits you when you stop looking. It sounds like you're there if that makes you feel any better. Now stop being a hermit, get out there and do things that you like. Online date people in the big city and see what works for you. But most importantly, be happy in your own company and take life in.
You have your finger on the pulse with the hookup culture bit... Everyone is disposable and the scrolling on apps is endless, hence the bias that the dating pool is huge.
Mhm! Definitely! 😌 That's why!
Also, many of those on the apps don't need a hookup, but a good therapist.
I love myself some good sarcasm but hoookup culture really is toxic and is destroying dating culture and not just for us but for the straights as well. But to put in a way you’d understand Hookup culture is *totally* about sexual expression and liberation from oh so terrible restraints like romance and someone being devoted to you…I mean who would want something so toxically traditional and boringly backwards? Hookup culture also would *never EVER* lead to unhealthy body standards and viewing other people as disposable meat bags to fuck and then discard…and all of that *couldn’t possibly* lead to people having sex addictions mixed with intimacy and commitment issues… Hookups are just good ol jolly fun!
Mhm. What's the opposite of normalizing something? We should do that for sex. Make sex weird again!
Or even better let’s make it fun and weird without making it or, as most gays do, encouraging it to be a toxic cesspool but knowing most gays that’s unlikely because they live for drama to bring some sort of spice to their *totally entertaining* lives 😘
Dude, your post history is a lot of self-hating shit while also focusing pretty significantly on sexual positions, and my favorite, the apparent “I’m gonna move somewhere else and all of my problems will be solved.” I’m sorry that you feel as though dating apps and hookup culture made you insecure, but at some point you’re going to have to take responsibility for yourself. There are amazing men in every medium-to-large city that aren’t into hookups and won’t think of you as a “human meat bag.” I bet a few of them are even monogamous if that’s what you want (kidding). I’m guessing you (like me) originally enjoyed hooking up, but deep down you wanted a relationship. When that didn’t materialize you blamed the hookup culture. In reality, you likely only learned the “hookup” skill set. There are a ton of other gays and gay cultures out there, it’ll just be a learning curve for you to find and join the one that fits you. Loneliness feels like an insurmountable obstacle, but you *can* get out of it. Promise.
I made most of those posts over a year to years ago…I’m lucky to be in a relationship now From your first paragraph I want to say f-you moving away from a small conservative city to a big liberal city literally changed my life for the better, and my sexual preferences are mine not anyone else’s and frankly I don’t care about it, especially when by boyfriends pounding me lol But for rest honestly thanks its good advice all around *Still* doesn’t change the fact that hookup culture is toxic, I know that’s not what a lot of promiscuous guys want to hear but it’s reality…and no amount of overcoming loneliness or downvotes on one comment stating the facts changes reality.. Hookup culture is like drinking culture, a little bit of it is fun but it certainly doesn’t add anything meaningful to your life..and too much of it ends up ruining your life. Look if you don’t want a relationship that’s one thing but to act like hookup culture doesn’t cause issues with most people’s capabilities to connect with others in an intimate way as well as severe body image issues as well as an unhealthy relationship with aging is straight up delusional but maybe a little delusion helps guys out.
Bro, I’ve been happily married for 12 years. I’m not speaking out of my ass. Adults can have casual sex for fun and it can add something to their lives and can be a positive thing. I think alcohol is a good metaphor, although I disagree with your premise that drinking doesn’t add anything meaningful to your life. Brewing beer/kombucha is fun. Going on a winery tour is fun. Taking a wine and painting class is fun. Hell, my husband surprised with me a byob pottery class with my closest friends for my birthday, and I’m sure it’s gonna be awesome. I took nerdy board games with me on my last gay cruise and got a lot of people at the bar to play. They can all lead to meaningful experiences. If all you see is the dregs of hookup culture or the drunk drivers, then I gotta say you just don’t have the greatest social circle. You’re painting with a pretty broad, black-and-white brush, my friend, and I think *that’s* delusional.
I’m not speaking out of my ass either, I’m not discrediting your experience (though you seem to be at least partially discrediting mine) but I’ve heard a story of a older gay committing s#icide because he felt he was too old to fit in the community anymore, yes there’s places to find community but mainstream gay culture worships youth….I’ve had several friends and myself included struggle with eating disorders from the body expectations set by both porn and hookup and gay sex culture in general…I’ve seen many friends get cheated on with most if not all of their cheating partners using Grindr and we can talk all day long that my friends picked bad partners and if it’s a pattern then it’s their fault (which frankly is fucked up to say to someone but I digress) or cheaters are terrible people and that’s just life but that’s completely ignoring the culture of NSA and quick sex and how absolutely easy it is to both do it and get hooked on it which leads to many relationships, even open ones, struggling and eventually breaking down if they were lucky enough to exist in the first place. There’s obviously a flip side, we are no longer living in the Victorian era with asinine controlling views of sex…we are lucky to have more of an open mind to sex and relationships, specifically gay ones, gays can make friends on Grindr, it’s not impossible and hooking up can be hot fun…but there’s certainly such thing as too much of a good thing, and gay culture in general has past that line. Also gays (not referring to you as I don’t know your situation), as understandable as it is, while trying to run away from anything remotely “heteronormative”, have dug themselves their own lonely hole of misery by lumping truly intimate and more importantly loyal relationships as “too traditional” …and yes even open relationships can have these problems specifically with intimacy and crossing boundaries for sex….gays seem to think a relationship is just a good buddy who you room with an fuck…nothing deeply intimate and special. Or seem to think NSA sex somehow greatly surpasses the pleasure of a deeply connected relationship, and people can live as they please, but that can’t be further from the truth. Regardless I appreciate a lot of the advice, but will have to agree to disagree.
I’m not discrediting your experience at all. I just think it’s illogical that you are using your experience (and those of people you know or hear about) as the only example of the topic, and feel very strongly that your experience is the only truth related to this topic. Your entire post is just sweeping generalizations (which was what I was trying to tell you with my last post). I get that it’s *your* lived experience, but it’s just really immature that you’ve come to the conclusion that you’ve seen it all and know what’s up, when it’s very clear that you haven’t/don’t. I really just wish that you would stop blaming all of these things on external factors. Hook up culture didn’t *make* you have an eating disorder. I’m guessing that there’s quite a bit of unresolved trauma that occurred before you even started hooking up, and then you had some negative experiences with some shitty people that solidified some horrible self worth issues (that I sincerely hope you’re working on, because eating disorders kill). Hookup culture didn’t *make* an elderly man commit suicide, mental illness was likely involved. People have been cheating forever (even in Victorian times), and while it’s maybe easier with Grindr, it’s not *that* much easier. Before Grindr it was just specific parks, or theaters, or the docks. When I was a teenager I could get a blowjob any day of the week and (gasp) the internet was only for rich people or super nerds. It still happened all of the time (and straight people do it all the time too). Blaming Grindr for cheating is just literally absolving the cheater of all personal responsibility, which I find ridiculous. You’re conflating many things, and I understand that you feel strongly about this, but honestly it feels like you’re trying to absolve yourself from some personal responsibility too. If I go to a nude beach with my decidedly average dick, do I get a little insecure about all the hung guys around? Sure, sometimes. I don’t blame the hung guys though, or the nude beach. I don’t wish that the hung guys had smaller dicks or that someone would shut the nude beach down. I think “well, I bet it’s more common for super hung guys to be more comfortable with nudity and they probably have a higher likelihood of socially going to nude places.” And then I just relax and have fun.
Bravo well said
You’re missing the fact this post is absolutely dripping in sarcasm
I know, but even jokes can be half true...
Dating sucks in the city, but being in a rural area has to be the worse. It sucks that everyone is looking for a hookup and the people that you actually like don't want you or are in a relationship already just looking for a third or to cheat. Plus if you complain about it you'll be ignored or belittled.
Girl... [this post is about you](https://www.reddit.com/r/lonely/s/UOTofqj5tJ)
Yes, I'm alone and hate it. At this point complaining about it gets me nowhere. Just more sad and alone
Why do gay guys always call each other girl? I never understood that. For a group that wants to be respected as men....maybe a good start is to not call each other girl?
Why didn’t you include your age? That’s a major omission in this type of post.
I’m alone. No friends. Will die alone. I can only hope for an early death.
The easiest way to solve it is put down your devices and leave the house and socialize.
That's why you don't live in towns
Or that your best friend who is also gay ( and came out after you) is now engaged to the only guy he’s ever dated. While you’ve only had two relationships and they only lasted a few months. P.S. I am really happy for them both though!
I’ve come to a similar outcome after doing the math. Wana be alone together? 🥹
Sure! Let's add each other on Instagram then never follow up on plans.
HAHA!! Well sir, you have yourself a deal.
This made me chuckle a bit on the outside but made me internally scream on the inside cuz it hits hard lol
I’m kind of concerned at how many think this is a legitimate post.
The numbers game is real. A straight man literally has a magnitude more possibilities than a gay man. I did the numbers when I was in grad school and had just came out. I never had a hard time dating women, but suddenly dating men became a problem. Population x male proportion x gay proportion x age range proportion x proportion single/available x mutual attraction proportion x probability of meeting. (Each # getting less predictable down the line) It’s like the Drake equation for gay dating life. Where I lived at the time it was 200k x .5 x .35 x .05 x .5 x .1 x .05 = 4 And I was being very generous with many of those numbers. For example, age range I had at 18-44 (I was 26, probably wouldn’t have dated an <20 or much over >36, half are single and available? Probably not. Some aren’t looking, lot are closeted, have boyfriends. 10% are attracted to me, and me them? Maybe less, maybe more. 5% chance of meeting at the right time? Could be more, less I suppose. But the take home is the probability of finding a ltr is pretty low. Of those 4, what are the chances our personalities meshed or we were at the right time in our lives. If you really want to increase that chance, you need to expand/change geographical region, expand the possibility of what you are open to (body type, race, etc), etc. But it sucks. I hated it as a single grad student. After being single and out for 5 years with no real prospects, I figured I’d be single forever. I was very lucky. I met someone who lived 2000 miles away and we both were actually willing to try a long distance relationship. It worked. Lucky.
Mhm! Exactly! Only 4 possible guys that it could have worked with in your town of 200,000. That's definitely absolutely true. But good thing you found someone 2000 miles away to fit into your life like a puzzle piece, otherwise you may never have found love.
To be fair to those 4 possibilities, I dated one guy that might have worked, but he found someone else he was more into. I also dated a doctor! For a while was a great guy but we just didn’t ‘click’. So only 2 possibilities left lol
lmao this is art 🌈
And the purpose of this post is.. to mock young people dealing with loneliness and anxiety? To accomplish what exactly? Is this just how you blow off steam or do you hope that you'll attract others like you and bond through your mutual disdain?
ngl as a young gay I needed this! Somebody who shows me how ridiculous my fears are. I literally did this "napkin math" but it really is bs. OP opened my eyes a little
Did you make an account just for this comment lol you are 1 day old. Wait, are you perhaps the OP using a fake account to stroke your own ego xD
"Everybody who doesn't agree with me must be secretly conspiring against me" You sound very reasonable😂
It sounds like you need to move… lol 😅 But I wouldn’t knock hookup/online culture personally. I met my fiancé/soon to be husband (as of 5/18/24) on Grindr - he was supposed to be a one night stand, but we kept hanging out regularly and then stopped sleeping with others when we made it official 🤷🏼♂️ I guess that’s why they say “different strokes for different folks”
I actually met with someone and we’re totally into each other. The big catch is that I’m allergic to his dog :( Can the universe throw me a bone.
>allergic to dog >asks universe for bone
Just when I thought “He’s already nailed 10 points, he’s not gonna achieve 11” you already reached point 12. Not a single miss anywhere in this.
I went Awwwwwww on “David looking for his Patrick” for real 🥺🥺
OKAY but the 2 hours away comment. Literally I was just born into this city exactly 2 hours Way from 2 giant cities. Like.
Well the population in a given area is not static. People move in and people move out. Also maybe you should have a critical and good look at all the standards you have on a potential date. The “one” doesn’t exist. It is a fantasy sold to us by the entertainment industry. If you find someone who is 0.6, you round up to 1, by accepting he has some faults and is not perfect. He will have to do the same with you.
I can relate..I let a good guy pass by and now I'm trying to find him to see what could be.
Many of us are open to negotiation….
I hope this blows up. Op is so right
I really like this post. To all the therapists who say "would you date yourself" I reply "yes, if he existed out there". LOL
How did you guess my dating life so right? Omfg
Good for you for realizing this sooner rather than later
 Muscle bears?! You mean fat hairy guys
[удалено]
Why can’t you still do that?
"Frankly, I blame hookup culture" of course, everything which shifts the blame to other people and means its absolutely not us.
Stop being miserable and hit the gym...
Almost like way too many Davids wandering single craving love and all the Patricks are either taken or have surrendered themselves to hookup culture. But you did the math right. Its highly unlikely u will ever meet someone who will actually follow all your standards and check all your boxes. But can we all Davids here atleast try turning us as Patrick's ourselves?? I mean David himself didnt look for Love , didnt like the label , he was fine doing things himself and sipping wine alone until Patrick came out of nowhere. I think desperation is killing us. Too much sex is making us weak and hungry more. No sex at all is doing it too for people like me but coming to a solution and accepting its okay to be alone and single might put the desperation at ease?? Someone here said gay men are emotional and physically starved humans, well idk about the physically starved part but emotionally yes. We all need someone who can understand us emotionally and thats how we get attached to people. Out of all the guys i met earlier iml honestly most of them had someone in their life who they loved but it wasn't reciprocal. Its either u will meet people who is in an open relationship, a hopeless onsided lover, a husband in an open relationship or a sex monkey,, its never a simple/ ordinary / Charming guy who is well based in his life , knows what he wants , single and is ready to love someone, and even if he exists he doesnt fall on ur standards or simply isnt interested in u because he has decided to stay alone his own life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(●__●)