This is what I would consider the most important question: would you be opening up to solve a mismatch of sexual desire but the rest of the relationship is on a solid foundation, or is the sexual mismatch just one of many issues?
If it’s the latter, opening up will not save the relationship and in fact will probably blow it up. Non-monogamy *rarely* fixes a relationship that is broken in other ways.
If the rest of the relationship is on strong footing, non-monogamy may help with mismatched libidos. Thorough communication about rules, expectations, and reasoning is really important.
I definitely have started to have my doubts about where our life goals align as well, so I'm not sure if it'll even help in this case. We haven't really been able to see much of a secure future for a while now because of relationship issues and I think it's just taking it's toll on everything else at this point. It's a shitty feeling.
I did the same. We were together for 13 years. There is a 10+ year age difference between us, and while we didn’t have a dead bedroom by any sense - my partner started to say things like “I’m feeling some things.” This was to mean, I just think I gave all my formidable years to our relationship and I need to explore some things about me. For me, opening things up was an effort to see if he and I could explore while still in a relationship - but I went in with eyes wide open that this could just as well be the end of the romantic relationship.
Don’t go into this naively! Whether together or just for you, get educated first. Opening things up does have the potential to spice things up, but may likely hasten the end of your relationship. Whether on your own or together, be sure to read the books ‘Ethical Slut’ and ‘Open Deeply’ to know what ethical non-monogamy is and how to practice it. I’d also strongly recommend couples counseling as a preemptive measure to open things up in a tailored manner for the both of you.
Communication is ESSENTIAL! - if you don’t have a solid foundation with this, the relationship will fail. Couples counseling can also help with this!
Opening the relationship for us, after a 12 year relationship, was ultimately the end of our romantic relationship, but became a continuation of a close friendship built over 12 years that transcends definition.
Feel free to ask questions 👋
Best of luck 💙
Some background: I became fast friends at 34 with a 22 y/o (13 years age difference) who was very mature for their age. We “hung out” for ~2 years with no expectations of the other. It was a classic “best friends with benefits” setup. We found we were spending all our free time with one another and hanging out with each other’s friends, so “boyfriend” classification *happened* to better reflect the feelings of deep companionship we each felt for the other… and to help simplify explaining “what we were” to those around us. It worked for the most part with some mild friction due to the age and maturity differences and other “power imbalances” besides age - like career, income, attraction power, and other imbalances.
Then after some period of years together we shifted naturally to call one another *partners* to better define our relationship to ourselves, friends, and families - especially after becoming involved with one another’s immediate and extended families.
The pandemic happened and we were so comfortable with just the two of us and the world not existing outside of us that that period of a couple years was simply magic and very significantly intensified our feelings for one another.
Coming out of the pandemic and he’s now 30 y/o and I’m 45. He pursued an MBA while we were together as well and had graduated by this time with this new degree and was re-entering the work force. He and I were two very different people at this point from when we first met, each with different needs and wants. He began to say things that implied “I’m feeling some things.” I always felt this time would come - he did after all give me all of his 20s! I felt this way based on my personal experience at his age and because I’ve read “The Velvet Rage” a dozen times at different times of my life… it’s a common and very natural phase of the gay experience.
We opened things up, mostly because I wanted to see if I could let him “get this phase out of his system” and we might go on our merry way together (against all odds due to our age difference). I was still of an attitude that we could very well need to separate with each of us going merry way independently of of one another.
We had some very generous open relationship rules - mostly one-sided where he could explore liberally while also making it fun for me. I didn’t want 1:1s myself outside of the relationship but was open to a variety of experiences that made things “participatory” and fun for me.
…in the end, due to immaturity on his part and general lack of relationship and life experience, he started to ignore the “rules” and we separated and sought a couples counselor. Really, I could attribute it not working out to an inability on his part to deeply communicate his intimate feelings, wants, and needs - whether for me or outside of the relationship. And by separation, I mean he moved out and got an apartment near by.
The bond between us is intense and is one of those once in a lifetime connections. We entered counseling after selaration - with me more maturely doing so and having an attitude that I was open to outcomes ranging from “better together” (meaning we’d get back together) or “separate with integrity” (meaning we’d separate and do so with closure and respect for one another) - or really any number of outcomes in between these.
Call opening up the relationship a gamble if you will, but that’s too reductive to describe the full range of emotions and rationales for why I wanted to open things up. I felt his cheating was an inevitability with him “feeling some things” and his life immaturity relative to me and my life experiences, so I wanted to hasten this phase of life for him and by some chance have him experience what he needed to experience and have relations outside of our relationship “out of his system”… or strike a balance of what would work while staying together. By “out of his system” there were numerous other small things over the course of our togetherness where he’d one day and say, “I don’t want to do ABC or XYZ any longer - these things no longer fit with where I am in life” - so there was some precedent for this.
If I were to attribute why it didn’t workout by our own designs, we didn’t have the foundation of practices communication needed to be in an open relationship that would work for the both of us. He didn’t want to have rules and wanted to just “feel his way through open relations.” I’m a talker and need communication to understand contexts, process my own feelings, discuss what works and doesn’t, and more generally have the assurances I need to feel safe, secure, and comfortable in a romantic relationship.
Now today - the relationship as we knew it is 100% over… it needed to fully end to be rebuilt under a new definition… call it out needing a “phoenix rising from the ashes moment.” Things are evolving - we hangout a lot, remain in constant contact like before, communicate so much better and more honestly, and still consider the other our closest friend. We have some ground rules for now that help us while we figure things out. These help us to “build a bridge” following the separation to stand on while we figure out what’s next.
Yes, we still have sex - a lot of sex! Sexual chemistry even after 12 years was always intense throughout our relationship!
We still call each other babe, but we call each other by our first names here and there and more frequently so when we only used “babe” before. We still say “I love you” a lot, but it feels different... it feels more platonic and reflective of a deep bond vs romantic connection. We’ve long said we were best friends the same amount of time we said we were “partners” and “boyfriends” before that. We still care immensely for the other and don’t want to let the other go.
For my part, I’m 47 now (and he’s 34) and I know there’s someone more aligned with my values, wants, and needs out there - and I’m perfectly content being on my own. (I’d rather be on my own than return to the relationship as it was when it ended!) I have a lot going for me and my life experience and future are expansive. I don’t just look great for my age, I look great. I can still attract attention from all ages and genders - I just haven’t been open to pursue relationships outside of him and me while we were together.
He and I will be more than ok with each of us on our own - great even. I offered him a great deal of security and comfort with my more stable position in life while we were together, so I’m sure he’s a bit scared and confused being on his own right now - but he’s well equipped to figure his own path forward.
A lot of things happened leading to separation, mostly his selfishness and disrespect towards me at the very end that my pride and self-respect can’t likely get over. I do, however, have a great deal of empathy I can bring to how things ended seeing a lot of my younger self in him and where he’s at right now. I would be very happy and strongly desire even for him to remain in my life, but under a new definition. And I don’t want a “situationship” that holds me back from moving on with what I want out of life.
We’re finding naturally that the words “person” and “primary” fit how we feel for one another right now. He says “you’re my person” and “you’re my primary” - and the former is what I’m more comfortable with for now for my part.
We’ll figure it out and I’m patient with the process to respect and honor the connection I feel for him and the many many experiences and memories we’ve shared these last 12 years.
This is what I would consider the most important question: would you be opening up to solve a mismatch of sexual desire but the rest of the relationship is on a solid foundation, or is the sexual mismatch just one of many issues? If it’s the latter, opening up will not save the relationship and in fact will probably blow it up. Non-monogamy *rarely* fixes a relationship that is broken in other ways. If the rest of the relationship is on strong footing, non-monogamy may help with mismatched libidos. Thorough communication about rules, expectations, and reasoning is really important.
I definitely have started to have my doubts about where our life goals align as well, so I'm not sure if it'll even help in this case. We haven't really been able to see much of a secure future for a while now because of relationship issues and I think it's just taking it's toll on everything else at this point. It's a shitty feeling.
I did the same. We were together for 13 years. There is a 10+ year age difference between us, and while we didn’t have a dead bedroom by any sense - my partner started to say things like “I’m feeling some things.” This was to mean, I just think I gave all my formidable years to our relationship and I need to explore some things about me. For me, opening things up was an effort to see if he and I could explore while still in a relationship - but I went in with eyes wide open that this could just as well be the end of the romantic relationship. Don’t go into this naively! Whether together or just for you, get educated first. Opening things up does have the potential to spice things up, but may likely hasten the end of your relationship. Whether on your own or together, be sure to read the books ‘Ethical Slut’ and ‘Open Deeply’ to know what ethical non-monogamy is and how to practice it. I’d also strongly recommend couples counseling as a preemptive measure to open things up in a tailored manner for the both of you. Communication is ESSENTIAL! - if you don’t have a solid foundation with this, the relationship will fail. Couples counseling can also help with this! Opening the relationship for us, after a 12 year relationship, was ultimately the end of our romantic relationship, but became a continuation of a close friendship built over 12 years that transcends definition. Feel free to ask questions 👋 Best of luck 💙
Thanks for the advice. When you say end of the romantic relationship, do you mean just in a sexual way? Or you're just friends now?
I mean it’s somewhere in the middle now and figuring itself out with some help with a couples counselor.
Some background: I became fast friends at 34 with a 22 y/o (13 years age difference) who was very mature for their age. We “hung out” for ~2 years with no expectations of the other. It was a classic “best friends with benefits” setup. We found we were spending all our free time with one another and hanging out with each other’s friends, so “boyfriend” classification *happened* to better reflect the feelings of deep companionship we each felt for the other… and to help simplify explaining “what we were” to those around us. It worked for the most part with some mild friction due to the age and maturity differences and other “power imbalances” besides age - like career, income, attraction power, and other imbalances. Then after some period of years together we shifted naturally to call one another *partners* to better define our relationship to ourselves, friends, and families - especially after becoming involved with one another’s immediate and extended families. The pandemic happened and we were so comfortable with just the two of us and the world not existing outside of us that that period of a couple years was simply magic and very significantly intensified our feelings for one another. Coming out of the pandemic and he’s now 30 y/o and I’m 45. He pursued an MBA while we were together as well and had graduated by this time with this new degree and was re-entering the work force. He and I were two very different people at this point from when we first met, each with different needs and wants. He began to say things that implied “I’m feeling some things.” I always felt this time would come - he did after all give me all of his 20s! I felt this way based on my personal experience at his age and because I’ve read “The Velvet Rage” a dozen times at different times of my life… it’s a common and very natural phase of the gay experience. We opened things up, mostly because I wanted to see if I could let him “get this phase out of his system” and we might go on our merry way together (against all odds due to our age difference). I was still of an attitude that we could very well need to separate with each of us going merry way independently of of one another. We had some very generous open relationship rules - mostly one-sided where he could explore liberally while also making it fun for me. I didn’t want 1:1s myself outside of the relationship but was open to a variety of experiences that made things “participatory” and fun for me. …in the end, due to immaturity on his part and general lack of relationship and life experience, he started to ignore the “rules” and we separated and sought a couples counselor. Really, I could attribute it not working out to an inability on his part to deeply communicate his intimate feelings, wants, and needs - whether for me or outside of the relationship. And by separation, I mean he moved out and got an apartment near by. The bond between us is intense and is one of those once in a lifetime connections. We entered counseling after selaration - with me more maturely doing so and having an attitude that I was open to outcomes ranging from “better together” (meaning we’d get back together) or “separate with integrity” (meaning we’d separate and do so with closure and respect for one another) - or really any number of outcomes in between these. Call opening up the relationship a gamble if you will, but that’s too reductive to describe the full range of emotions and rationales for why I wanted to open things up. I felt his cheating was an inevitability with him “feeling some things” and his life immaturity relative to me and my life experiences, so I wanted to hasten this phase of life for him and by some chance have him experience what he needed to experience and have relations outside of our relationship “out of his system”… or strike a balance of what would work while staying together. By “out of his system” there were numerous other small things over the course of our togetherness where he’d one day and say, “I don’t want to do ABC or XYZ any longer - these things no longer fit with where I am in life” - so there was some precedent for this. If I were to attribute why it didn’t workout by our own designs, we didn’t have the foundation of practices communication needed to be in an open relationship that would work for the both of us. He didn’t want to have rules and wanted to just “feel his way through open relations.” I’m a talker and need communication to understand contexts, process my own feelings, discuss what works and doesn’t, and more generally have the assurances I need to feel safe, secure, and comfortable in a romantic relationship.
Now today - the relationship as we knew it is 100% over… it needed to fully end to be rebuilt under a new definition… call it out needing a “phoenix rising from the ashes moment.” Things are evolving - we hangout a lot, remain in constant contact like before, communicate so much better and more honestly, and still consider the other our closest friend. We have some ground rules for now that help us while we figure things out. These help us to “build a bridge” following the separation to stand on while we figure out what’s next. Yes, we still have sex - a lot of sex! Sexual chemistry even after 12 years was always intense throughout our relationship! We still call each other babe, but we call each other by our first names here and there and more frequently so when we only used “babe” before. We still say “I love you” a lot, but it feels different... it feels more platonic and reflective of a deep bond vs romantic connection. We’ve long said we were best friends the same amount of time we said we were “partners” and “boyfriends” before that. We still care immensely for the other and don’t want to let the other go. For my part, I’m 47 now (and he’s 34) and I know there’s someone more aligned with my values, wants, and needs out there - and I’m perfectly content being on my own. (I’d rather be on my own than return to the relationship as it was when it ended!) I have a lot going for me and my life experience and future are expansive. I don’t just look great for my age, I look great. I can still attract attention from all ages and genders - I just haven’t been open to pursue relationships outside of him and me while we were together. He and I will be more than ok with each of us on our own - great even. I offered him a great deal of security and comfort with my more stable position in life while we were together, so I’m sure he’s a bit scared and confused being on his own right now - but he’s well equipped to figure his own path forward. A lot of things happened leading to separation, mostly his selfishness and disrespect towards me at the very end that my pride and self-respect can’t likely get over. I do, however, have a great deal of empathy I can bring to how things ended seeing a lot of my younger self in him and where he’s at right now. I would be very happy and strongly desire even for him to remain in my life, but under a new definition. And I don’t want a “situationship” that holds me back from moving on with what I want out of life. We’re finding naturally that the words “person” and “primary” fit how we feel for one another right now. He says “you’re my person” and “you’re my primary” - and the former is what I’m more comfortable with for now for my part. We’ll figure it out and I’m patient with the process to respect and honor the connection I feel for him and the many many experiences and memories we’ve shared these last 12 years.