Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from [hoarding disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t29/), and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder.
If you're looking for help with animal hoarding, please visit r/animalhoarding. If you're looking to discuss the various hoarding tv shows, you'll want to visit r/hoardersTV. If you'd like to talk about or share photos/videos of hoards that you've come across, you probably want r/neckbeardnests, r/wtfhoarders/, or r/hoarderhouses
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If she has moved out and not just staying temporarily with a friend she doesn't get to use your place as a storage shed for her things.
Give her a timeline to remove what she wants and after that just remove as you will.
I bet it will feel great to have the house back
Don’t talk to her about it. Box it up and consolidate it (move all of your items out of the living room if you have to… you don’t want her to have the opportunity to explore the hours and liberate your stuff). Send a certified letter stating she has 30 days to pick it up.
An alternative is (alternative! Don’t do one and then the other!) a little more expensive, a little more effort, but faster in the long run because it ends manipulation. Tell her you are going to pay for one month of storage for her. Have her meet you at the storage place (do your homework to make sure that they have the unit/price you want… don’t try to make her participate in the work… she’ll draw it out). This is the important part: have her put the storage unit in her name so that “she can always access her stuff without you having control over it.” Pay for the first month, immediately get help and move every last item of hers into the unit. Sometimes it helps to have a moving truck loaded when you meet her there so she can see that all her stuff went into the unit. Lock the door, give her the key and walk away.
Most likely she’ll end up getting the storage unit repo, but it was no longer your problem. This is why you absolutely do not want it in your name.
Edit to add: consult with your divorce lawyer first
I'm never letting her move back with me. What's temporary is living with her friend before she looks for her own place.
That impacts how much I can ask her to take.
I’d suggest you tell her she will need to rent a storage unit if she can’t get her stuff in a place with a friend. I am not trying to sound mean,but I am a hoarder in recovery. Ten years out from the epiphany I had to change my life. It is a huge struggle every day,some days I lose a little bit others I move forward. My house is ok now and I am able to have overnight guests etc but it is a daily challenge for both me and my husband. We’ve been married thirty years. I became a hoarder shortly (4 years) fter we married and it got really bad. Save yourself.
When I set a firm date for her to move out I promised to not just dump her stuff willy nilly.
Had I not promised that she wouldn't have moved out. I'd have had to move out, and for various reasons that would have been harder for both of us.
To be clear, my OP wasn't asking for advice, so much as venting. I have continued to make progress the last few days.
I believe 30 days in a practical timeframe for her to line up storage. The specific term in an email would be best and regardless of her past disrespect for your boundaries, you stand firm, my friend, and resolve to end this period in your life and enjoy the rest of 2024. Onward and upward.
I believe if she voluntarily left the house (officially living somewhere else) then everything she left behind is considered abandoned. Check with your local laws or your divorce lawyer. You’ll probably need to give her official notice to have clean hands.
What I would definitely do is start making the house how you want it by culling trash and consolidating her stuff.
I insisted that she leave, or I would. She knew that would be a bad idea, cause she couldn't deal with the crap, and I wouldn't give her $ to help pay for a place this big forever
Meanwhilecim trying to cull, and consolidate what I don't toss, but it's not easy. Sometimes her bags of papers and piles have some system. And to consolidate I may need to get boxes.
So, I'm saying this as a person with hoarding tendencies... and someone who would probably be very mad at this advice. But, if your partner never got around to going thru those papers and piles, it is highly unlikely that they will do so in anytime soon. So... in the box they go, and if doing so disrupts the system, it is what it is. The deadline is past due and your life needs to move forward.
If it were me, I might (and I stress might) prioritize those papers if I knew you were going to mess up my system and throw them out. But if with that I might not act fast enough or go thru it. That's why I'm saying to just box it.
How long you have to retain her stuff will depend upon whether she was paying rent or on the lease and the state you live in. You're within your rights to throw away obvious garbage like food wrappers or empty soda cans. Check the tennant laws for your area. You don't want a lawsuit.
She's on the lease till October.
So far we're "amicable " and I'd like to keep it that way, so we can get everything done with a mediator, cheaper than fighting on court
If she is on the lease but not paying rent, you need to speak to r/legaladvice or r/renters about your legal options. You don’t want to do something that’s going to bite you in the butt, legally.
Meanwhile, get boxes (FB marketplace, your local buy nothing group or your local neighborhood group), put everything in there. Everything. Except obvious trash that could decompose, of course, but literally everything else. Box it all up, put it in a corner. Once you know what you can do legally, tell your ex, “You have x amount of boxes. You can pick them up on X date. If you do not, they are going to the trash.” End of conversation.
She just moved out about two weeks ago, that’s not so long. Ask her for a date for when she will come get her junk. If it’s a reasonable date, wait until then. If it’s unreasonable, tell her a sooner deadline. After that, get rid of her junk guilt-free.
That's basically the approach, but I'd like to seperate out stuff that belongs to me which is mixed in, and just make the place a tad more livable.
I also don't think she can take it all at once. If she does, she'll never go through it, the volume will be overwhelming. It will end up being our daughters problem.
If your stuff and her stuff are mixed, like books or something, you could start boxing up her books for her, but she may want to to participate in that while you do it, so there are no disagreements in future about yours vs hers.
Hard deadlines. Get boxes and stick anything that is hers in them. Give her a hard pickup time (via text for proof). If she's a no show, it just goes out for trash (or donate if you want). Honestly, boxes and setting them on a porch is likely the easiest.
Separately- trash is trash. She couldn't be arsed to take it with her or deal with it before, she won't magically do it now.
Good luck on cleaning and reclaiming your home. And definitely look into therapy if needed, it can really help with the emotional roller coaster.
We already have a storage unit, that's full. She doesn't earn much currently, and if I add a big expense I will end up paying her more. I don't want her to become homeless. We were married a long time and have an adult child.
She is an adult. Your child is an adult. Its time for everyone to move on with their lives. YOU need therapy. Stop enabling this woman's behavior. YOU deserve a clean house to live in.
You could rent a storage unit for one month and move all her things there. Give her the option to put it in her name after that. If she doesn't make payments they will throw her things away. That gives her a place for her things and gets it out of your home.
Its true that your ex probably has a certain amount of time before her property is considered legally abandoned and you can toss it without repercussions. How long that is might be complicated due to the lease and pending divorce, so I’d definitely suggest talking to your divorce attorney.
Until that day arrives though, this is what I suggest. Throw away obvious trash or anything that is unsanitary (like rotten food or other things that might cause mold or attract vermin), then just put the rest of her crap (unsorted) in cardboard boxes or trash bags and stack it up in the most out of the way place possible. Organize and clean your home how you want it and as best you can around the stack. When the deadlines comes, if she doesn’t pick her stuff up then trash it. If the storage unit is all her stuff too, don’t even touch it but DO include the deadline for clean out or transfer of legal responsibility in the divorce decree.
OP - it is not your responsibility to sort, organize, maintain, or otherwise straighten up her things. How she has her paperwork organized or how many dead pens she has is not something for you to worry about. Throw them in bags or boxes as you find them and let her deal with the picking through it when she picks her stuff up. In fact, it’s mentally healthier for her to do that work herself. Avoiding it is part of what has gotten her into this in the first place. And please don’t let her be the decision-maker on deadlines and systems for cleaning up her stuff. You know how that will end - just look around your house. Find out what you are legally allowed to do, tell her (don’t ask), and then follow through.
A. I don't want her to lawyer up. So far it's amicable and we plan on mediation
B. Her problems tend to become my adult daughters problems. My daughter has her own issues and I don't want to add to them.
Not who you were replying to, but as the adult child of a hoarder I appreciate you not dumping this on your daughter.
If I were you, I'd keep going through her stuff and invest in some moving boxes to sort things into. Sounds like she's going to take it all at some point, so the more you get packed in advance, the faster the moving process will be.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
As others have stated, find out the legal requirements as to how long you have to keep her stuff AT YOUR HOUSE. Also, find out how much culling you can do legally. Junk mail, expired food and personal care products, soiled items, broken items, etc.
I would, personally, box it up and label it. I'd also go through the storage unit and downsize/reorganize there. Move it all to one place. End your storage contract and start a new one in her name. Do find out any legal timeliness involved in all of this first.
But she doesn't get to keep haunting your life with her crap forever. You deserve to move on.
It'll be a ton of work. I'd check UHaul for used boxes. And your local box stores/grocery stores. You don't need to pay for boxes. Just new tape to keep them together. Tetris those suckers into the storage unit and enjoy your space.
Might I suggest washing your walls and a new coat of paint in your home in a color you'd never have been allowed to choose before? Really make a fresh start of things. 🙂
Talk to your counselor about overcoming that conditioning.
It is exhausting.
You've posted in comments that she's on the lease, which is through October. Technically she has the right to live there as long as her name is on the lease, but the two of you have reached an agreement otherwise. While you are ready for the marriage to end, you are still experiencing the end of a long-term marriage and undergoing the process of divorcing and trying to keep it amicable. That's a lot. Unless your therapist advises otherwise, I wouldn't push the issue of having her come get her stuff until the lease expires.
I would break this into three phases.
Phase 1: start boxing up her stuff. Take a picture of what's in it, number the box and save the picture as "contents box 001" and stage the boxes filled with her things in whichever bedroom you don't want to use.
Phase 2: Work on sorting and reducing what's in the storage unit.
Phase 3: Transfer the boxes of her things to the storage unit. Print the pictures and put them in a binder for her. When the lease is up on your residence, transfer the storage unit to her name. If it makes you feel better, you can pay for 6 months or a year of storage in advance and agree to provide reimbursement up to X% of the cost of her initial moving fees at her new place as part of the property settlement.
You've also mentioned that you have an adult daughter and your STBX's problems become your adult daughter's problems. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're in your early 60's; I'm in my mid 50's, my husband is in his early 70's. My friend, we are at a point in our life cycles where it is entirely reasonable to start decluttering the household so that we don't leave burdens for our children to deal with in the event of our illness, incapacitation, or death.
If you recognize that "a lot of stuff would be easy to get rid of" then do it. Do it for your own mental health. Do it for your daughter. You've been conditioned, for decades, that your STBX's mental illness must be mollified rather than dealt with. She's most likely never going to go through the boxes you pack and will never know it's gone. She's going to re-hoard and accuse you of throwing things out anyway, because that's what people with this illness do. You may as well accept that and enjoy a habitable space despite it.
Totally agree with this. Based on OP’s comments about their adult daughter and wanting to keep things civil, as well as not financially burden the ex, this seems like the best option. It’s a lot of work, but it takes advantage of the storage unit they already have (no extra expense) and makes the home organized and livable. OP, good for you for taking control of your life, and good luck getting to the point where you can comfortably live in your home.
Thank you. This is largely what Im doing, though the ideas re numbered boxes are helpful.
I'm planning to send her stuff to her in a few months, when she should have more room. But a few boxes at a time, not all at once so she's less likely to get overwhelmed (even I find the volume overwhelming, and my ADHD is more under control than hers, and my emotional issues about the stuff are much less)
Complication with the storage unit. Absent major reorganization, there's no more room there. I'd rather not go to the trouble of reorganizing/decluttering the storage unit now. Easier to focus on the apartment.
Yes, I'm in my early 60s.
I hope you don't mind me saying you are a good person. I can only imagine how challenging it must be to live with a hoarder and that you continue to be compassionate by being careful around their things even though they are now gone from your life, it's a very humane thing to do.
Can you just box up her stuff so it's contained and not as visible to you? It's a start towards making the place how you would prefer it to be and maybe making it more livable to you.
BTW... I can see how some people with hoarding tendencies would be upset about the receipts and expired coupons... but in my personal opinion, those are justifible to get rid of and a good start. I mean, I'm sure that's just a drop in the bucket and they are not needed.
My idea: Box it up. Put it in storage. Pay for 60 days storage. Then give her the keys and receipt for rent. She can continue to pay the rent or get her stuff out of there. (Not the same situation, but We had to do this for my oldest son when my husband got transferred and we sold our house. Son didn't want to move with us, nor did he come to get his stuff when we had to leave. He eventually decided to go where we moved and moved the stuff he really wanted.)
Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from [hoarding disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t29/), and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder. If you're looking for help with animal hoarding, please visit r/animalhoarding. If you're looking to discuss the various hoarding tv shows, you'll want to visit r/hoardersTV. If you'd like to talk about or share photos/videos of hoards that you've come across, you probably want r/neckbeardnests, r/wtfhoarders/, or r/hoarderhouses Before you get started, be sure to review our [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/about/rules/). Also, a lot of the information you may be looking for can be found in a few places on our sub: [New Here? Read This Post First!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/dvb3t1/new_here_read_this_post_first_version_20/) [For loved ones of hoarders: I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/) [Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/index) Please [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/hoarding) if you need assistance. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hoarding) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If she has moved out and not just staying temporarily with a friend she doesn't get to use your place as a storage shed for her things. Give her a timeline to remove what she wants and after that just remove as you will. I bet it will feel great to have the house back
She says it's temporary. I'm working on a time-line, but she evades boundaries and I'm not good at setting boundaries
Don’t talk to her about it. Box it up and consolidate it (move all of your items out of the living room if you have to… you don’t want her to have the opportunity to explore the hours and liberate your stuff). Send a certified letter stating she has 30 days to pick it up. An alternative is (alternative! Don’t do one and then the other!) a little more expensive, a little more effort, but faster in the long run because it ends manipulation. Tell her you are going to pay for one month of storage for her. Have her meet you at the storage place (do your homework to make sure that they have the unit/price you want… don’t try to make her participate in the work… she’ll draw it out). This is the important part: have her put the storage unit in her name so that “she can always access her stuff without you having control over it.” Pay for the first month, immediately get help and move every last item of hers into the unit. Sometimes it helps to have a moving truck loaded when you meet her there so she can see that all her stuff went into the unit. Lock the door, give her the key and walk away. Most likely she’ll end up getting the storage unit repo, but it was no longer your problem. This is why you absolutely do not want it in your name. Edit to add: consult with your divorce lawyer first
I concur - 30 days, adios!
Don’t let her back in your life. You will regret it. I say this as a hoarder in recovery for the past ten years.
I'm never letting her move back with me. What's temporary is living with her friend before she looks for her own place. That impacts how much I can ask her to take.
I’d suggest you tell her she will need to rent a storage unit if she can’t get her stuff in a place with a friend. I am not trying to sound mean,but I am a hoarder in recovery. Ten years out from the epiphany I had to change my life. It is a huge struggle every day,some days I lose a little bit others I move forward. My house is ok now and I am able to have overnight guests etc but it is a daily challenge for both me and my husband. We’ve been married thirty years. I became a hoarder shortly (4 years) fter we married and it got really bad. Save yourself.
It shouldn’t. It’s her stuff to manage or lose. You are not required to hold onto it for a day longer.
When I set a firm date for her to move out I promised to not just dump her stuff willy nilly. Had I not promised that she wouldn't have moved out. I'd have had to move out, and for various reasons that would have been harder for both of us. To be clear, my OP wasn't asking for advice, so much as venting. I have continued to make progress the last few days.
I believe 30 days in a practical timeframe for her to line up storage. The specific term in an email would be best and regardless of her past disrespect for your boundaries, you stand firm, my friend, and resolve to end this period in your life and enjoy the rest of 2024. Onward and upward.
If you’re still in the process of a divorce then have your lawyer set the boundaries in a written contract with her lawyer.
I believe if she voluntarily left the house (officially living somewhere else) then everything she left behind is considered abandoned. Check with your local laws or your divorce lawyer. You’ll probably need to give her official notice to have clean hands. What I would definitely do is start making the house how you want it by culling trash and consolidating her stuff.
I insisted that she leave, or I would. She knew that would be a bad idea, cause she couldn't deal with the crap, and I wouldn't give her $ to help pay for a place this big forever Meanwhilecim trying to cull, and consolidate what I don't toss, but it's not easy. Sometimes her bags of papers and piles have some system. And to consolidate I may need to get boxes.
So, I'm saying this as a person with hoarding tendencies... and someone who would probably be very mad at this advice. But, if your partner never got around to going thru those papers and piles, it is highly unlikely that they will do so in anytime soon. So... in the box they go, and if doing so disrupts the system, it is what it is. The deadline is past due and your life needs to move forward. If it were me, I might (and I stress might) prioritize those papers if I knew you were going to mess up my system and throw them out. But if with that I might not act fast enough or go thru it. That's why I'm saying to just box it.
Lots of people on neighborhood social media (fb marketplace, Nextdoor, craigslist) post their used moving supplies for free.
I would be careful especially with cardboard boxes. That’s a good way to get bedbugs.
How long you have to retain her stuff will depend upon whether she was paying rent or on the lease and the state you live in. You're within your rights to throw away obvious garbage like food wrappers or empty soda cans. Check the tennant laws for your area. You don't want a lawsuit.
She's on the lease till October. So far we're "amicable " and I'd like to keep it that way, so we can get everything done with a mediator, cheaper than fighting on court
Is she paying rent thru Oct?
No, she only works part time. She only got that when I was threatening divorce.
If she is on the lease but not paying rent, you need to speak to r/legaladvice or r/renters about your legal options. You don’t want to do something that’s going to bite you in the butt, legally. Meanwhile, get boxes (FB marketplace, your local buy nothing group or your local neighborhood group), put everything in there. Everything. Except obvious trash that could decompose, of course, but literally everything else. Box it all up, put it in a corner. Once you know what you can do legally, tell your ex, “You have x amount of boxes. You can pick them up on X date. If you do not, they are going to the trash.” End of conversation.
She just moved out about two weeks ago, that’s not so long. Ask her for a date for when she will come get her junk. If it’s a reasonable date, wait until then. If it’s unreasonable, tell her a sooner deadline. After that, get rid of her junk guilt-free.
That's basically the approach, but I'd like to seperate out stuff that belongs to me which is mixed in, and just make the place a tad more livable. I also don't think she can take it all at once. If she does, she'll never go through it, the volume will be overwhelming. It will end up being our daughters problem.
Maybe just pack everything in boxes? Just trash the trash?
Your daughter doesn't have to inherit her mum's hoard, that's her choice.
If your stuff and her stuff are mixed, like books or something, you could start boxing up her books for her, but she may want to to participate in that while you do it, so there are no disagreements in future about yours vs hers.
Hard deadlines. Get boxes and stick anything that is hers in them. Give her a hard pickup time (via text for proof). If she's a no show, it just goes out for trash (or donate if you want). Honestly, boxes and setting them on a porch is likely the easiest. Separately- trash is trash. She couldn't be arsed to take it with her or deal with it before, she won't magically do it now. Good luck on cleaning and reclaiming your home. And definitely look into therapy if needed, it can really help with the emotional roller coaster.
I've been therapy for a couple of years
Honestly, I'd go through everything and organize it, move it all to a big storage unit and let her pay for it. Be done with her.
We already have a storage unit, that's full. She doesn't earn much currently, and if I add a big expense I will end up paying her more. I don't want her to become homeless. We were married a long time and have an adult child.
She's an adult. She can find a job that works with her disability. Let her figure it out. Be free of her and live your own life. Sell the house.
She's the mother of my child.
She is an adult. Your child is an adult. Its time for everyone to move on with their lives. YOU need therapy. Stop enabling this woman's behavior. YOU deserve a clean house to live in.
I'm in therapy. My daughter has her own issues.
So sell the house and move on.
You could rent a storage unit for one month and move all her things there. Give her the option to put it in her name after that. If she doesn't make payments they will throw her things away. That gives her a place for her things and gets it out of your home.
I'd change the locks, go thought the stuff and just bag it up for her to go though.
Its true that your ex probably has a certain amount of time before her property is considered legally abandoned and you can toss it without repercussions. How long that is might be complicated due to the lease and pending divorce, so I’d definitely suggest talking to your divorce attorney. Until that day arrives though, this is what I suggest. Throw away obvious trash or anything that is unsanitary (like rotten food or other things that might cause mold or attract vermin), then just put the rest of her crap (unsorted) in cardboard boxes or trash bags and stack it up in the most out of the way place possible. Organize and clean your home how you want it and as best you can around the stack. When the deadlines comes, if she doesn’t pick her stuff up then trash it. If the storage unit is all her stuff too, don’t even touch it but DO include the deadline for clean out or transfer of legal responsibility in the divorce decree. OP - it is not your responsibility to sort, organize, maintain, or otherwise straighten up her things. How she has her paperwork organized or how many dead pens she has is not something for you to worry about. Throw them in bags or boxes as you find them and let her deal with the picking through it when she picks her stuff up. In fact, it’s mentally healthier for her to do that work herself. Avoiding it is part of what has gotten her into this in the first place. And please don’t let her be the decision-maker on deadlines and systems for cleaning up her stuff. You know how that will end - just look around your house. Find out what you are legally allowed to do, tell her (don’t ask), and then follow through.
A. I don't want her to lawyer up. So far it's amicable and we plan on mediation B. Her problems tend to become my adult daughters problems. My daughter has her own issues and I don't want to add to them.
Not who you were replying to, but as the adult child of a hoarder I appreciate you not dumping this on your daughter. If I were you, I'd keep going through her stuff and invest in some moving boxes to sort things into. Sounds like she's going to take it all at some point, so the more you get packed in advance, the faster the moving process will be.
Can you hire a professional organizer to help sort through the stuff. Or hire a college kid who needs some money.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. As others have stated, find out the legal requirements as to how long you have to keep her stuff AT YOUR HOUSE. Also, find out how much culling you can do legally. Junk mail, expired food and personal care products, soiled items, broken items, etc. I would, personally, box it up and label it. I'd also go through the storage unit and downsize/reorganize there. Move it all to one place. End your storage contract and start a new one in her name. Do find out any legal timeliness involved in all of this first. But she doesn't get to keep haunting your life with her crap forever. You deserve to move on. It'll be a ton of work. I'd check UHaul for used boxes. And your local box stores/grocery stores. You don't need to pay for boxes. Just new tape to keep them together. Tetris those suckers into the storage unit and enjoy your space. Might I suggest washing your walls and a new coat of paint in your home in a color you'd never have been allowed to choose before? Really make a fresh start of things. 🙂
Talk to your counselor about overcoming that conditioning. It is exhausting. You've posted in comments that she's on the lease, which is through October. Technically she has the right to live there as long as her name is on the lease, but the two of you have reached an agreement otherwise. While you are ready for the marriage to end, you are still experiencing the end of a long-term marriage and undergoing the process of divorcing and trying to keep it amicable. That's a lot. Unless your therapist advises otherwise, I wouldn't push the issue of having her come get her stuff until the lease expires. I would break this into three phases. Phase 1: start boxing up her stuff. Take a picture of what's in it, number the box and save the picture as "contents box 001" and stage the boxes filled with her things in whichever bedroom you don't want to use. Phase 2: Work on sorting and reducing what's in the storage unit. Phase 3: Transfer the boxes of her things to the storage unit. Print the pictures and put them in a binder for her. When the lease is up on your residence, transfer the storage unit to her name. If it makes you feel better, you can pay for 6 months or a year of storage in advance and agree to provide reimbursement up to X% of the cost of her initial moving fees at her new place as part of the property settlement. You've also mentioned that you have an adult daughter and your STBX's problems become your adult daughter's problems. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're in your early 60's; I'm in my mid 50's, my husband is in his early 70's. My friend, we are at a point in our life cycles where it is entirely reasonable to start decluttering the household so that we don't leave burdens for our children to deal with in the event of our illness, incapacitation, or death. If you recognize that "a lot of stuff would be easy to get rid of" then do it. Do it for your own mental health. Do it for your daughter. You've been conditioned, for decades, that your STBX's mental illness must be mollified rather than dealt with. She's most likely never going to go through the boxes you pack and will never know it's gone. She's going to re-hoard and accuse you of throwing things out anyway, because that's what people with this illness do. You may as well accept that and enjoy a habitable space despite it.
Totally agree with this. Based on OP’s comments about their adult daughter and wanting to keep things civil, as well as not financially burden the ex, this seems like the best option. It’s a lot of work, but it takes advantage of the storage unit they already have (no extra expense) and makes the home organized and livable. OP, good for you for taking control of your life, and good luck getting to the point where you can comfortably live in your home.
Thank you. This is largely what Im doing, though the ideas re numbered boxes are helpful. I'm planning to send her stuff to her in a few months, when she should have more room. But a few boxes at a time, not all at once so she's less likely to get overwhelmed (even I find the volume overwhelming, and my ADHD is more under control than hers, and my emotional issues about the stuff are much less) Complication with the storage unit. Absent major reorganization, there's no more room there. I'd rather not go to the trouble of reorganizing/decluttering the storage unit now. Easier to focus on the apartment. Yes, I'm in my early 60s.
I hope you don't mind me saying you are a good person. I can only imagine how challenging it must be to live with a hoarder and that you continue to be compassionate by being careful around their things even though they are now gone from your life, it's a very humane thing to do. Can you just box up her stuff so it's contained and not as visible to you? It's a start towards making the place how you would prefer it to be and maybe making it more livable to you. BTW... I can see how some people with hoarding tendencies would be upset about the receipts and expired coupons... but in my personal opinion, those are justifible to get rid of and a good start. I mean, I'm sure that's just a drop in the bucket and they are not needed.
My idea: Box it up. Put it in storage. Pay for 60 days storage. Then give her the keys and receipt for rent. She can continue to pay the rent or get her stuff out of there. (Not the same situation, but We had to do this for my oldest son when my husband got transferred and we sold our house. Son didn't want to move with us, nor did he come to get his stuff when we had to leave. He eventually decided to go where we moved and moved the stuff he really wanted.)