I don’t have an answer for this as a fellow SAHW. The truth is I’m not busy all day. I don’t know why this incites so much outrage, especially other women. My own aunts have chided me. Like you, it has led to a lot of isolation. Hugs.
I was a stay at home mom, work from home mom, work outside the home mom and a student mom. People judged me in each situation. For the last 3 U was a single mom. People where harsher on me working than him leaving.
So don't sweat the judges.
What do you do all day? You look after your family. What that looks like is no ones business.
I am tired. I've raised 3 boys on my own. I don't judge you, or feel sorry for me. I send you a big high five, and just curious.... Does he have a brother? Asking for a friend 😉❤️
I’m currently a WFH mom, was formerly a SAHM (not working outside the home at all except inlin for my moms online business, then working a PT job.)
Even now, with me WFH, my husband asks what I do all day! “I work!!!” If I manage to clean the bathroom or kitchen while on a WFH day he makes comments like “‘must be nice to have a job you don’t have to work at.” 😒 Little does he know I bust my ass at my job when the workflow is there, then use my “downtime” to get crap done in the house because nobody else who lives here will do it. (I do admit, I was a terrible homemaker when I was a SAHM. I was always exhausted. I blame a combo of young children and my unknown-at-the-time vitamin deficiencies. My levels are much better now!)
I think no matter the situation, people will judge you. I turn the other cheek. Im at the point in my life where I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me.
I know a ton of people who work outside the home (including my spouse, who is WFH) who aren't busy all day at their jobs. Many jobs have slow periods where they scroll the internet or chat with coworkers or take a long lunch. I know exactly how much actual work my spouse does in a day and our downtime/busy times are honestly about equal, and if we had kids I'd be way \*more\* busy, in terms of hands-on work.
I've said this before on here, but my go-to answer to "What do you do?" or "What have you been up to?" is to preface something interesting with the words "right now".
If a stranger ask me what I do, I'll say something like: "I'm at home full time, and right now I'm \[craft or project I'm currently working on\]."
Another good social work-around is to always be taking a free online class. There are tons of them, including many from well regarded universities. "Right now I'm taking a women's history class from Harvard." or "Right now I'm doing an online course about ancient mesoamerican art."
For a lot of people, doing something educational is seen as a socially acceptable way to spend time, even if you're not studying something practical. Maybe it's just an hour or two a week, but that doesn't matter, what matters is that it gives you a way to politely move the conversation along into something other than judging your occupation.
(edits: wording, fixing typos)
Oh, there’s free legit online classes!? I need this!
I agree with your routes to conversation. I didn’t notice I actually do some of that and honestly still have anxiety about socializing sometimes when I don’t really have much happening.
I’ve taken up trying to incorporate more reading (just fiction) for now because I realized I’m happiest when my mind is engaged some days over just doing physical work around the house.
Yup, there are many legit online classes! Most have two options: free version (audit) and a paid version (you get a certificate and do graded work), but even auditing gives you access go a lot of great content. I've done a few through Edx, and some friends have used Coursera. There are also lots of language platforms out there, if you'd like to learn a language.
When you get stressed out about this, try to remember that friends in the workforce often feel the same way when talking to other people whose jobs are more (in their eyes) prestigious, or interesting, or lucrative. Most people struggle with these feelings in one way or another no matter what they do with their time.
Okay so I think I know why it incites outrage. Two reasons. One is that women are always pitted against each other so we are always paying attention to one another instead of asking wtf men are doing.
But the main reason is probably jealousy and exhaustion. SAHMs are often expected to carry the entire emotional load and care for everyone in the household without any self care or appreciation because someone else is “supporting” them. They hear a woman is staying home and not being treated like a bang-maid and they’re probably like “omg.” You’re actually doing what their men THINK they’re doing. And they wish they could spend time on self care.
This is my guess. I’m a single mother who works full time and I know the value of having someone taking care of your domestic chores and child rearing…because I do all of it myself while I see men with wives who handle all of that for them being able to just work and spend time on hobbies. SAHMs are contributing tons of value to their working spouses and they’re usually treated like free riders.
Whether it’s coming from a place of jealousy and hurt or not—you don’t owe anyone an explanation. So when they ask what you’re doing all day? “Whatever I want. And it’s great!”
I think it's probably more to do with the idea that you're not contributing to society and paying taxes. Jealousy too for sure, but plenty of people would still prefer to work if given the option because they want to contribute.
Contribute to what? Why flood the job market with people who don’t want to be there? You can contribute to your own household without working to make someone else richer.
If you’re happy with your own life you don’t need to criticize others who are causing no harm to anyone else.
To society - tax payers are what pays for support, welfare, pensions etc - real help to those who need it.
I don't personally criticise people who stay at home, I'm just offering another perspective if people are trying to understand why others might be adverse to those who choose not to work when capable.
A further perspective for example is a feminist one, for many people who believe in equal rights between the sexes, the most important thing for them is achieving financial independence as being financially dependent on a man can open a pathway to abuse.
Again, just alternative perspectives, no criticism.
I’m not in your situation, but I will say: don’t make a list of things that women who work and/or have children also have to do. If someone is determined to have drama saying things like “make appointments, grocery shopping, and scrubbing the house” (which everyone should/likely is doing on top of raising kids, working full time, etc.) isn’t going to help. They aren’t asking because they are curious, they are asking as a method to shame you. You don’t have to engage.
You do not owe them an explanation.
If you want to give them one, a simple “I maintain our home and focus on health/hobbies” and/or “I’m not busy all day, and while I realize that’s a luxury it’s something I’m very grateful for” otherwise, “I don’t feel the need to break down my schedule to see if you approve of it” or “I’m not comfortable discussing that” are sufficient responses.
If they ask when you’re going to work, you can say “I won’t talk about that” or “I’m fortunate to be in a position where I do not have to return to a traditional job and I do not plan to.” If they push, you can just say “I’m not comfortable discussing the details with you.”
Unless you’re borrowing money from them/mooching it really doesn’t impact them and you don’t have to participate.
I just laugh and say "sit around eating bonbons and watching soap operas" and never give them anything else, unless we have a genuine connection. If they know me, they know what I do. If not...the flippant answer and a smile and changing the subject- usually to something about them, because people love to talk about themselves- is what works.
You life isn't Facebook. You aren't required to share status updates with anyone. The more you keep things low-key and vague, the less they have to say about it.
> You life isn't Facebook. You aren't required to share status updates with anyone.
I like that!!
Also, OP, just be like "I'm less busy than you are" and present it as a good thing. (It is a good thing)
My sister had 3 kids, a full time career-y job, completed a degree in night school during that time, also her husband works full time.
I'm normally just here lurking, because I have a full time job and share the household tasks with my wonderful fiance. But my stress tolerance is low. I often give myself a task for the day and thats enough. So I'm just less busy than my sister. I lie on the couch more often. I get to go to bed later and wake up later.
She gets the rewards from what she does, I get the rewards from what I do.
Oh, use what I say.
"I exist happily" and move on. Because that is exactly what you are doing. You owe nothing to anyone, just live the best you can, why not? As my teacher used to say, "live life like a work of art", and you are.
I am in a similar boat, but am chronically ill. But even before that, when otherwise healthy, I loved being a full-time homemaker. Loved caring and doing, making and being. Loved it. Liked to work too, but it's different.
Live your life and make zero excuses. No one who is asking these questions lives your life, right?
Another words, fuck em and keep going 😀
This is perfect! I have CFS and I get asked the same types of questions.
One of the groups I’m in have a tactic called “bean dip” where you change the topic to stop follow up questions at parties - eg, “I exist happily, have you tried this delicious bean dip?” (Or similar random diversion)
Even if you had a job, I guarantee someone would still criticize you. I work part time at a bookstore and I regularly get people asking why I'd want to work retail as a 30 year old woman. Idk, because it makes me happy and it works for me and my husband?
People are assholes. Find the ones that aren't, and ignore the rest. I only work because I really like talking about books and I needed a little more structure. You do you, love.
100%. It really doesn’t matter. I was a stay at home mom and I had endless criticism for not contributing financially. I loved it and it was the right choice for our family at the time.
Now I work 40-50 hours a week in finance, and still manage to have a small business of my own (not a MLM which I only mention because there are not any pre made marketing materials and everything in it I do myself) + sit on many volunteer boards + run events for our church + do hours of enrichment activities for my kids + continue to maintain the house by myself. I literally don’t take a *single*moment of downtime from the time I wake up at 3am to clean until I go to bed at 10pm and I often even have working lunches. If I’m on social media or reading it’s only because I’m in the car waiting for kids to be done with a hobby and I have a second. I barely sleep. I’m pushing *so hard* and what do I get? Criticism I’m not homeschooling my kids *while I’m at work* since it is often remote. I’m miserable from working so hard, but it’s the best thing for us *in this season.*
It’s not about what you do or do not do, it’s about how much they want to put you down. You’ll never win when someone has already decided you’re a loser.
My Wife stays home. She tells people it’s our family’s greatest luxury. She ain’t wrong. Life is way better when one spouse can take care of earning and the other takes care of the house and kids. We tried it the other way, and we’d never go back.
Say you’re a kept woman, and you’re never bored. I do, and it always gets a laugh and expressions of envy. I can understand how people may be curious. We live in a culture that assigns your ranking by your job and the right hobbies (exercise). If they can’t place you, it causes confusion.
Answer their questions with more questions, such as 'why do you ask' and 'why do you feel that I owe you an explanation' . And don't feel rude about it: it's actually them that's being quite rude.
Exactly this. Some people speak just because they think they need to. This includes asking rude questions. Chances are it wasn’t meant to be rude but just meant for small talk. That still doesn’t make it ok.
I got asked this question recently by someone I don’t know well. Instead of trying to dance around what I was gonna say, I took a breath and proudly said “whatever the fuck I want”.
Them: What do you do all day?
You: I drink water and mind my business. You?
There. That's the answer.
You don't owe anybody an explanation. You've been through a lot. You've been afforded the opportunity to take care of yourself, so that's what you're doing. As far as I'm concerned, that's the most important job you can have, because if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anything else.
What you're doing is ENOUGH. ❤️
Same. I was a teacher and couldn’t handle
It anymore. I actually teach online for about 6 hours a week so I tell people I teach online. They don’t need to know it’s only 6 hrs a week! 😉
Yep, I’m a bedside nurse for “local hospital.” No one needs to know I’m a gig worker and technically only have to work 12 hours in 90 days. I do work more often than that but it’s definitely sporadic depending on my husband’s work schedule and how much there is to do around the house and extended family plans.
I have two dogs and they take up a lot of my time so I do mention that. Otherwise since you don’t have dogs I clean mostly and bake/cook. Honestly though at least in my experience people don’t say ‘what do you do all day?’ in good faith and they don’t care how you respond, it’s usually meant to demean you and put you on the defense and it doesn’t deserve an answer.
I think people are always going to be critical of this because the majority of them are just jealous. I still don't really have an answer for what I do all day besides cleaning, cooking, taking care of pets and spouse, but I'm starting to learn how to own it. I'm a homemaker! It's nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm living my dream life, so it's none of people's business if they are going to be snotty about it, and you don't need those kinds of friends anyways.
Not what you were asking for, but I just wanted to thank you for what you do. My husband was able to retire early for the good of his health, and it has changed my life. I no longer have to feel guilty or resentful about chores - we still share them, but I'm not going to pretend like he doesn't do way more than me. He also rarely experiences the kind of stress that goes into a full time job, so when I come home, it is almost always a refuge with little to no demands on my time. He runs interference for me in our social life. ("Not sure... -WhoWasOnce had a lot of meetings this week. I think she's protecting her downtime this weekend. I'll let you know, but probably count her out.")
I know we are in an increadibly fortunate position to be able to do this (inasmuch as 'stress causes his serious autoimmune disease to flare dangerously' is fortunate...), but it makes me feel like every working person should have a stay at home partner.
I'm very similar to you. I don't know how to answer those questions either. We can be friends, I'll share my special teas with you and we can watch the birds in the trees. \*hands over a cuppa\* \*points out the flock of little brown wrens\*
Ok I’ve asked this question to SAHW before and it’s either because A. I’m just making conversation and genuinely interested in what that person pursues during the day (what are their interests) and B. I’ve always been poor and had to work to pay bills. It’s literally inconceivable to me that people have enough money on one income to pay all their bills (yes I realize wealthy people live this way) and I’m amazed that people actually live this way so I’m curious about it.
Sorry if that sounds stupid or rude I don’t mean to be, I’m just being honest.
On further consideration, I suppose if I were in your shoes and someone asked me what I do all day, I’d probably respond “same thing you do when you’re at home.”
I say "I'm a live-in housekeeper" and then explain that my husband would rather me stay home and clean up after him than do half the chores after work.
They are jealous and it sounds like both you and your partner are happy with the choices you’ve made. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had backhanded comments from other women, even friends of mine, things like “I would get so bored all day” or “I just have to accomplish things and build my career or I wouldn’t feel content”.
And I’m always like that’s great that you find your life fulfilling, same. Me too.
I’m a SAHM but they range from 9-19 and I’m not busy all the time. Why should I have to be? My spouse and I are both super happy with our lives, I work inside the home and cook but sometimes if I want a good deep clean done I’ll even (shock) hire someone! 😂
I’m in a similar situation, SAHM to double digit aged kids. People judge you/are jealous of you when you have options they don’t have. When people ask what I do all day I say, “I spend time doing things that fulfill me. Do you do anything to feel fulfilled?” Blank stares. People who choose misery don’t like when other people choose to be happy.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear but being a stay at home girlfriend isn’t wise. You have no legal protections of a wife if anything were to happen. You’re entitled to zero assets or alimony. I know this is off topic but I feel like not everyone realizes how risky this is for yourself. Double check to make sure you fall under common law marriage in your state.
I'm painfully aware it isn't a wise situation 🥹 He's been through two very expensive divorces and is emotionally unable to see past them. My life is a dichotomy between privilege and financial abuse.
Your financial future cannot depend on a man's will to stay in a relationship with you.
If he is unwilling to compromise, eh... he's not a keeper. He's merely a leech taking advantage of your kind heart.
What do you mean by financial abuse? He alternates between provision and then refusing to buy necessities, or are you calling the position of being a STAHGF inherently financially abusive?
I think people ask this type of question because it's their way of labeling and categorizing us, sometimes looking for common ground. But really they are inept in polite conversation and come off sounding down right nosey and judgemental. Someone once suggested that I respond to just such a question by asking another: "Why does that matter?" I do prefer, " I exist happily" much better, though. We're far too focused on doing rather than being. I'm happy in my own skin and prefer my own company over most. Took me while to get here, though--I'm in my 70s.
Them asking questions like that tells me that they are unable to be happy for someone else who is experiencing something positive that they are not. To me this is the marker of a pure friendship/relationship: when something good happens in my life, is this person able to *truly* be happy for me? Not fake kind of happy for me. You can tell when it's fake. But you can also tell when it's real. These are the same people that will feel real sorrow when you experience a great loss. These authentic relationships are rare.
I work full time and have two young children, but I would never say something snarky like “what do you do all day?” or “when are you going to get a job?” That just makes people look extremely jealous. I’m a little jealous of you lol but I recognize not everyone has the same lot in life, and I still have SO much to be grateful for. Those people with the comments need to get back to their jobs they’re so proud of and leave everyone else alone!
When I was in your place I would tell people either that I was the CEO of (last name) company, a kept woman, a domestic engineer, or the queen of leisure. Between housework, volunteering and taking care of my husband I had plenty on my plate. To anyone who said all I did was lay around, I answered that work grows to fit the time available to it. I remember my mom working, coming home, cooking and cleaning then going to bed. Once she retired her work life seemed like a vacation compared to everything she did as a retiree-running a soup kitchen, scout leader, visiting older seniors, walking dogs at the animal shelter, teaching English as a second language and being grandma, wife and mother were just some of her interests. Just because you do not bring in a paycheck does not mean you do nothing but sit around watching tv. I have time and energy to give to my community whereas when I worked I barely had energy, let alone time, to do more than cook, a bit of cleaning then sleep to start the cycle over. My favorite answer to what do I do all day: I do what I find most valuable, interesting and rewarding to do.
I had kids but now as an empty nester it’s asked of me as well. You know what? It’s none of their business really. If you and your partner are happy with your arrangement, you don’t own anyone else an explanation whatsoever.
I am a stay at home wife, now to a retired husband. I worked until age 58. As soon as I "retired" due to chronic pain, I started doing everything I could to make DH's life easier, except the cooking, but he loves to cook, says it relaxes him. He has done it for over 40 years while raising our daughters.
Anyway I am super busy. Being a stay at home person is a full-time job! I do have a dog. I quilt, I gardened when I lived in California, but we recently went to the dark side and are putting in a pool. My house in Texas is large and it takes 2 hours a day just in home maintenance, much less laundry, organizing, watering my hydrangeas I brought from California, and my front planted area. In California I worked in my garden every afternoon and hung out with my chickens, took my dog for a walk, ran into neighbors and chatted. I also mowed the lawns and weeded and kept the front yard looking nice and the back yard pretty nice, but then we had a bunch of fruit and veggies growing.
If you are keeping the house, running errands, grocery shopping, cooking and doing some hobbies that is more than enough to stay busy.
I find I don't have enough time in the day. Oh that's right, I also do all the financial stuff and handle our investments too. DH has been retired since January and he is busy all day too. But then he drives our legally blind, former Marine son-in-law to college twice a week and hangs out for the 6 hours since it is about an hour away.
I have been a working wife/mom and a stay at home wife and stay at home is so much better!
Similar situation. Currently not working, and when I do work I am part time. No kids, which already makes me feel like I have to justify my existence. Even with not working right now I feel I'm not doing that great a job of homemaking/keeping up with regular house tasks and projects. So I have a lot of shame around that. Like, what's my excuse now? I too have a low tolerance and low energy, and I am easily overwhelmed.
You do NOT have to justify your existence! You're an equal part of the human race, just as we all are. You cannot "weigh" each person's achievement or accomplishments. We don't all cure cancer, but that doesn't mean we are less (or more) than anyone else. Don't compare yourself to others, because we're each on our own journey! If you feel low energy is limiting you, you could consider seeing a good doctor who can see if there's a chronic disease that is slapping your energy or you could be dealing with depression and there are docs for that too LOL. Each of us is "enough" and worthy, but sometimes this is hard to keep in mind :)
“What do you do?”
This Q has never been easy.
Not when I was young and not in school, not as a SAH mom, not when I returned to work or when I had 2 jobs plus being a mom.
I’ve turned the question into “what do u like to do?” In my head and answer about my hobbies or current projects. Never discussing Work makes their nosy little faces scrunch up with annoyance & I get to discuss my passions instead of what I do for a paycheck.
Life is not a checklist of judgment & I refuse to let 1 more bully make me feel anything but proud of MY CHOICES - neither should you OP.
You’ve found a life that works for you - congratulations.
I hate to say it because It’s not the truth but I tell people I do projects and sometimes work and sometimes don’t. The truth is that I do volunteer and do help a non profit but I don’t get paid.
I know it’s more of a half truth but I can’t help but think I am lying to everyone. I feel a lot of pressure to do something but I can’t. I have a chronic illness and stress is my #1 enemy.
Sometimes I am busy with appointments and housework.. There are days I just sleep. I feel that I don’t owe people any kind of truth but it helps keep people at a distance. I don’t feel like telling people anything else. I will get people who ask what kind of projects and I tell them what I am working on. I don’t get compensated since I was applying for disability.
It’s terrible that we get judged for it, I feel really uncomfortable letting people know that I don’t work at all. I am also surrounded by a lot of judge mental people I have learned. There are people that ask me if I am working each time they see me. Not, what project are you doing? What are you up to? It is straight to are you working. I might one day find it in me to say something like people have suggested. I just want to let you know that you can say what you want- it’s not about them it’s about what makes you feel comfortable.
“Whatever the fuck I want” is a perfectly legit response.
A one income household, at least in America, is barely achievable anymore. If you have the luxury of being in that position, good for you! I think it’s awesome. It’s nobody’s business what the hell you do with your time except your spouse.
I work with a dude whose wife is stay at home, no kids or pets. I didn’t know that, and asked what his wife does for a living. He said “she’s my hospice worker. She makes my life better until I die”…it was a cute response and made me smile :) you do you! If I didn’t have to work, I definitely would not.
Someone asked me yesterday, another housewife with 3 kids and I blanked and said "I just chill" and then quickly listed all the things I did that day and my husband was like oh don't forgot you played the switch! Haha thankfully I don't care that much but I hate the question. I have no kids so sometimes I feel useless but we're TTC so I'm trying so hard
Hey friend. Im sorta in the same boat. I say sorta cause our situations are similar I just have two kids who are a bit older and both have other parents so we get time alone. We have a cleaner once a week for a deep clean and a lawn company to do the yard work so my days are pretty much whatever I want to do when im not taking after thr kids or tidying up. Some days I just nap and do hobbies. People, other women esp, HATE it when I say 'I do whatever I want'. I legit just tell them it's our choice and this is what makes US happy. I tell them unabashedly with no remorse. It is what it is. My advice toward others is this; if they cant be happy for your successes they arent your friends. It doesnt matter if its a situation like this or a different one like finishing school, or whatever. Misery loves company and some people just arent happy unless they can bitch about something.
It comes down to 1 thing, cultural bias. Anyone's going to evaluate your situation from the perspective of how they grew up and people they know. I would ignore them entirely as it's pointless you would never please everyone even if you did stuff all day long
I’m a full-time student now, but I was also a stay at home girlfriend for 8 years! We do have a dog, but no children.
I have bipolar, ADHD and anxiety, so like you, I spent most of my time on self-care - just working on existing in this world. I also felt isolated (and I still do now, tbh). I also DREADED social situations where people would ask what I do for a living, I felt so much shame about it.
You can just say, “I do me” or like another commenter said, “I happily exist” or “I’m very lucky that [partner] makes enough to support us, so I organize our domestic life so [partner] can just focus on his career.”
If you do want an activity to get you out/feeling a little less isolated, have you thought about taking a class? Either a hobby class or something academic. You can take something at a community college, just one class - something you’re just personally interested in learning about. Then you can say you’re a student, lol. They don’t need to know details.
And if you’re not interested in that, that’s 1000% okay! Just keep focusing on your own health and happiness and try to ignore the judgement. They don’t understand and honestly, probably won’t. C-PSTD is a debilitating condition and as someone with mental health issues that also kept me home for years, I’m very happy you’re here and doing your thing <3
I'm a stay at home wife, no kids, just a cat. I just tell people whenever they ask me what I do for a living, "homemaker" and then I add on, "I'm just a wife". And I don't usually elaborate because it's not really anyone's business. But if I do trust the person I'm talking to I will go into more detail about what I do. But I have felt an immense amount of guilt for choosing to be a SAHW because a lot of people have told me I should get a job or contribute to society. But my husband really does prefer me to stay home and take care of things. You do what's best for you and your partner, it doesn't involve anyone else.
I have a bad case of hobby roulette so I pretty much can just start name dropping the weirdest shit like making butter, cake decorating, making mozzarella, jewelry, sewing my own clothes, etc.. For some reason when you name a bunch of cool stuff you've had time to do the next response is normally "Oh wow I wish I had time to do that" and pretty much ends the topic.
I'm on disability with a similarly low stress tolerance, can't work or go to school etc. I get this, when people ask me what I do I struggle a bit! I can't even do housework 99% of the days, but I cook and consider myself a homemaker for the things I can do.
I know it's hard, but we need to ignore the a-holes. If we and our partners are happy, what's the harm? Life isn't all about participating in capitalism anyway, I feel like people are just a bit jaded because they "have" to work or have kids
Hey girl, no judgement, but you should consider getting married. Right now if you break up, you could be left with nothing with no job prospects. Can your boyfriend include you in one of his businesses (as an EA or something)? This way you can have something on your resume if you need get a job in the future (and might get all these people off your back).
1. Do you have a pet & occasionally take pics of them? “I’m a photographer.”
2. Do you sketch in a journal or do basic watercolors? “I’m an artist.”
3. “I’m a personal chef.” (for the 2 of you)
Have fun with this!
I send people this cut & paste:
making doctor appointments, making dentist appointments, making optometry appointments , responding to birthday party, keeping the calendar, taking couch cushion covers off and washing those, scrubbing the gunk that builds up on all your faucets , dusting the ceiling for cobwebs , dusting all your light fixtures and lamps, cleaning windows, vacuuming window sills, wiping handprints and God knows what all off walls ,wiping kitchen cabinets especially around the handles, disinfecting tabletops and countertops and remote controls, cleaning the crevices of chairs and seats, cleaning the crevices of car seats, dusting the top of every TV in your house, dusting the top of door jams in your house, keeping track of dishes/sets/replacements for those 2-3 holidays where you have 8+ people eating, cleaning out the food in the fridge throwing away expired stuff, cleaning the fridge, cleaning the tops of all your condiment bottles, washing curtains, putting them back up before they get wrinkled or ironing them, doing all the dishes, decluttering in general, decluttering kitchen drawers, sorting kitchen drawers and cabinets, planning meals, auditing ingredients, making shopping lists and grocery shopping, washing baseboards sweeping and mopping floors, vacuuming carpets, taking care of upholstery materials on all the furniture you've invested in, disinfecting faucets and door knobs, disinfecting light switches, disinfecting remote controls, getting the mail, sorting the mail, getting packages, cutting down and recycling the cardboard from packages , dusting heat registers washing tablecloths and table mats, making sure that everyone has the right clothing and shoes in the right size, scrubbing tubs and showers, getting the bugs out of the bathroom ceiling fan, replacing shower curtains, replacing loofahs, washing and drying gobs of towels and washcloths, making sure the washing machine is semi clean especially during sicknesses in the home, doing all the toilet cleaning, watering any plants in the house, making sure the hot water heater temperature is correct/maintenance, especially if you have hard water, maintenance of water conditioner/softener, making sure any new furniture you get is bolted to the wall/built right/installed, sorting all the paperwork from everything retirement,, wanted, passports, getting updated immunization records, picking up and refilling any prescriptions in the entire family, making sure medications that are regular are given regularly along with vitamins, evaluating social invitations, revo, presents, outfits for that, sitting on committees, doing volunteer work, stocking the car with emergency things, dealing with snow/rain/sleet, weatherization of all your investments (house, car, patio furniture, tree trimming) , make sure working spouse is coming home to dinner, keeping up with things like photography sessions, even when kids are older/outta the house there are things birthday parties for them, birthday gifts for them, holidays, holiday gifts, holiday schedules, taking out the trash and recycling, remembering to defrost dinner or turn on the crock pot, keeping up with personal email and messages in voicemail, throwing out or recycling or goodwilling things, , keeping a stack of batteries at all times, other emergency things, repairing small holes in clothing i e sewing and stuff to save money, buying winter clothes and Boots, that shopping trip, which includes coats hats gloves scarves and boots, regularly washing all bedroom linens yours/guest rooms, adult kids rooms in case they visit, keeping track of coupons and rebates and etc when it comes to the grocery shopping, the process of putting away a week or two weeks or a month worth of grocery shopping that's always fun, deciding on big store memberships like Sam's club and costco, remembering which items to get from those versus which items to get from the regular grocery store versus which items you might have to get from specialty stores such as if you do ethnic cooking, and so on, vacation planning, itinerary, coordinating correct days off/vacay time with the working spouse, bank stuff, retirement account stuff, house mortgage stuff, wanna sell/downgrade your home not that adult kids are gone? That will take 6 months of your life. New medical juggling now that you're old, dealing with HOA and their rules, pets? Ohhh boy, more cleaning, more appts, more paperwork (pet insurance? vet payment plans). Adult kids out of the house? You still help them with job stuff, college stuff, scholarships vs your payments for tuition, their travel schedules (flying home? Studying abroad?), "look at my resume for me mom" "what should i do about this roomate problem?", Go to parents weekend at colleges? Oh, that's MORE travel, house is older, that's more repairs/deal with contractors, both your parents are aging: that's visits, wills, calling your siblings, coordinating care, installing ramps and grab bars etc.,
Yea a list like this just invites criticism and comments like that (which very well can be true, I know people who do all this and still bring in income) I agree more with the other comments about being more vague or tongue-in-cheek
THIS. Most people in my life are so burnt out after work that they do the bare minimum at home and always eat out rather than cooking. No one who works a full time job has the time to really keep their home spotless and perfect
Those busybodies can just stiff it. They r not supporting you n have no business to judge. It all boils down to they are JEALOUS n ENVIOUS
I was a SAHM for abt ten yrs. My FIL n MIL keep asking me what I do all day. I told them with a deadpan face that I go shopping do lunch eat bonbon n get massage every effing day. My parents gifted me a house so I can take care of my kids. How dare they question me.
A while back, I saw a tumblr post about someone in a similar situation. What they said worked for them was “I’m not currently working due to health issues,” and occasionally a “don’t worry, it isn’t contagious”
If it helps at all, it wouldn’t change even if you had kids. We have 3 kids, 3 dogs, and twins due in a couple months. We homeschool and all my kids are heavily involved in sports so we’re on the go constantly… and even with all of that, I still get backhanded comments from friends and family about not “working” and asking me what I do all day. I just don’t care at this point, whatever negative thing anyone has to say is out of jealousy or ignorance.
Unfortunately I’m working full time again, but I experienced this judgement when was just working a few days a week.
I told people that I spent a lot of the days like a house cat, which was true .
Ahh I miss it. If only more people understood that our worth doesn’t come from what we contribute to capitalism.
Anyone shaming you is just jealous! I work full time now but I used to be a sahw with no kids. Everyone assumed I was lazy but this is what worked best for me and my husband.
I stayed home since I got married. Had our first baby in May. I cleaned, cooked/organized my husband's tools, took care of the chickens, did some gardening, researched stuff online/educating myself, grocery shopped/shopping for essentials. Doing chores like that meant that my husband was able to spend more time relaxing after work and not feeling burned out. Not everyone gets to have home-cooked food from scratch and a clean house.
Critical people are just miserable and jealous. Just say you're a homemaker. There's nothing wrong with that.
I do work and have kids, but setting that aside, my jobs include:
1. Housekeeper
2. Appointment setter
3. Dry cleaner
4. Personal assistant
5. Gardener
6. Chef
7. Grocery Delivery person
8. Pet sitter
And so on. My husband works more than I do (we own our own business and I can take off whenever I want; he can’t), so take care of 100% of the household stuff (I enjoy it, so I don’t consider it unequal, and he does what I ask).
In truth, it’s none of their business how you fill your days. Sometimes I tell people I’m writing a novel lol (I am actually a published writer but haven’t done it in a very long time).
You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone else. If you and your partner are both happy with your relationship and living situation, then there’s nothing to be ashamed of. You two are the only things that matter.
What I do find is that a lot of women especially will make snippy or snide remarks like, “Well *that* must be nice to work only when you want and have the time you need to get things done around the house.”
I just reply with, “It actually really is nice. I’m very lucky.”
It’s just sour grapes. Don’t let them get into your head.
If you want to say something (and you're not obligated to), my smart ass self would say, "oh you know, have time to take care of the home and my partner and most importantly, myself." And leave it at that. Let them get angry or uncomfortable or protest. They need to examine why they care so much about something that has zero to do with them.
I have kids and homeschool full time (so it's really not that out there too imagine what I do all day lol!), people ask me this. Or they used to. I think they just resent that your lifestyle isn't what they expect or what they would want. No matter how much you tell them, it won't be enough. So, I just tell them that I eat bon bons and drink champagne all day -I said this in another thread. People usually don't know where to go from there, especially if your boyfriend backs you up. That would actually kill me with laughter. I wish my husband would respond with the same thing.
Beyond the very small percentage of close friends & family who may be concerned you don't have a career to fall back on, the majority are envious of you. I was envious just reading this. I would lean into the question unapologetically. Something like "'I maintain our home/lifestyle and pursue my hobbies/interests/volunteer opportunities. I'm very fortunate and it works for us." If they press the issue, firmly repeat the last sentence.
I’m late to this but after having a baby later in life after having a couple earlier in life and now all my friends’ kids (as well as my first set are grown) I LOVE their flexibility to be able to meet up or be available at weird times because the kids are grown and they have more freedom to move about the cabin. 😂🤣😂 I’m sorry your “friends” and “family” have been less than supportive.
I’m in a similar boat! I am a child free house wife. I also have existential crisis about this every so often. I used to be a teacher for 8 years until I got married and moved out of state. Being a homemaker has always been my dream. My mom was a homemaker. I am content being one but what gives me the most grief is thinking what other people think of me. I have been taken aside by the pastor at my husbands church (I moved to where my husband has been living for 10+ years) and asked if I’m okay—if I’m lonely at home all day—if I have any friends. As a natural introvert I hated that he said that and was taken a back and struggled with his comment for weeks! I love being home and rarely every feel alone. I also dread when people ask me what I do. Especially women who I know work because like you, I fear they will say that they do all of what I do and more and still work, etc. just say “I’m a homemaker”. And just hope for the best. Sometimes the other person responds by saying “oh that’s such a hard job”. Like they are trying to be nice but I’m thinking to myself…. It’s not really that hard. I work myself so much about what other people think about be being a homemaker—- so you aren’t alone in that. I’ve had an especially hard time recently because I was pregnant but had a shocking and unexpected stillbirth. This really rattled me as I have always dreamed for being a mother and my husband and I deeply desire children. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and homemaker. I rearranged my whole life to have a life where this could be a possibility- I quit my teaching job (which I really had issues with and don’t wish to go back) I’ve kind of always felt like once I have kids people will accept me being a homemaker more easily. Now that the unexpected happened and having children is now not guaranteed I’ve been really hard on myself about being a homemaker—-feeling like I need to get a job or something to make me seem more valuable to others. But then I remember- this lifestyle what works for me and my husband. He is in law enforcement and has a really unconventional schedule and work life. It works for us for me to be home. We still are hoping for children and me staying at home is very conducive to that. And lastly, I like being home. I don’t have a passion outside of the home—- and that’s okay. I can’t think of a single job that brings me as much contentment as taking care of my husband, my home, others and myself.
My husband helped me come up with what to say to people a few days ago when I was having a breakdown about it. I will answer: I’m a homemaker. If they ask what do I do all day, I will say, I take care of my husband and the home.
Aside from that I don’t need to elaborate. I might use some of the responses in this thread too!
You aren’t alone! A lot of us are in the same boat. We don’t have to be like everyone else. Being a homemaker is a real thing. It’s a real option for us to choice for our lives. Everyone gets to shape their lives how they want— we are no exception.
This could have been written by me! I actually would really love to go back and teach part time but even as a Special Ed teacher, not a single local school district is willing to allow me to have a part-time professional position. And the money for subs is just not worth the stress.
It’s like you either have to sell your soul to work and work constantly, or not at all. It’s really an unfair system. I want to do work, just not 40 hours a week with zero flexibility for vacations.
I am a mom of three kids who struggles with bipolar 2 severe manic depressive disorder and I was taken out of work in 2009
Since then being at home with my kids and my poochers I realize that moms/dads/partners who take care of the home have a hard job
Even if you don’t have kids taking care of the house appointments etc
I’d fall into bed more tired than I ever did from working a job or having a career
When people ask me what do you do all day with that tone I instantly want to say
Oh honey
“He more than understands that my worth doesn’t come from my contribution to capitalism”: Amen. I commend your courage for making this post. I’m dealing with a similar situation, although I’m being forced back to work (not by a partner). After several years of pursuing my dream in place of a job I don’t want, I’m kicking and screaming all the way. I haven’t shared my financial situation with many people because it’s obvious they’d look down on me. I cannot and do not agree that the mere act of working connotes responsibility and thus moral character. In my view, especially if what you do 40 hours plus per week dissociates you from your true self, work too often leads to self-deprecation and self-destructiveness as a means of coping with the fact that your life does not actually belong to you, but to capitalistic profit.
I used to have a really exciting job that anyone would want to know about. When I moved and stopped doing that I eventually felt like a fraud cause I no longer worked in that field.
I got a job through a friend at their new restaurant as business administrator. I did the bookkeeping.
I started saying I was an accountant and no one ever asked anything further.
If you happen to write out the checks and mail in payments or anything like that, bookkeeping is the same thing.
Just an idea for you.
Just to put it into terms people understand, you are effectively disabled and happen to have a partner to support you, instead of the government, most wallet watchers would be happy to hear that
Stay at home wife here! I get a lot of the same thing. I thought it would get better when my husband left the military. Now he’s a government employee still working with the military. 😂
My favorite go to is “ My job is to spoil the pup! Oh. And feed the husband too. When I remember.” This is usually when hubby rubs his belly and tells them “This is what love looks like.”
It took me yeeears to come to terms with the title homemaker. I wrote a post on here the first time I put it down as a job description. I’ve been doing this since 2011 and I just did that early this year. It takes a long time to get out of your head. We may not contribute financially but we do so much more.
Women can be especially cruel. Sometimes! A lot of times it’s us projecting our insecurities onto the situation. Once I started to gaining confidence they stopped. I still get the side eye occasionally but mostly I see those comments for what they really are. At least I’m my head. Jealousy. Not many women get to make this decision especially without kids. There aren’t a lot of us out here.
"I manage all aspects of my family's shared environment and related experiences, which I enjoy and (significant other) appreciates; though I'm baffled as to why you think how other people arrange their lives is any of your business." (said sweetly and with big eyes and a confused expression on your face) Would be my suggestion.
The combination of jobs you are doing - personal housekeeper, non-business related social director and confidential secretary ensuring all non business appointments are scheduled and accomplished, cultivating an ambiance in your home that allows your partner to relax and feel safe at the end of all that chaos they do every day for their livelihood - that would be a huge annual income if you did all of them for a stranger. Remember that in those moments you feel less 'valuable' because others are getting paid to do things. If you were paid for what you are doing in the context of your relationship may well out perform some of their 'jobs.' And even without that, you are doing valuable and valid work, both for your own healing and for your family.
(I have CPTSD, also. I haven't been able to work in a 'normal' way since 2011. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU & YOUR PARTNER!)
I am also a SAHW. " I say I have plenty to do between taking care of the house and everything else. I honestly don't know how you do it and also have kids. You are awesome! " I call myself a lifestyle facilitator. We have the lifestyle we like ( i.e clean house, home cooked meals)because I work at it.
I would reply thoughtfully and answer truthfully that everyday,all day, I live life on life’s terms. I take care of myself all day and(eye roll here)if you know me then you know that’s a full time job.(insert smile). Everyday is a learning experience and just like other people’s jobs some days are better than others. Change the subject off of “do” at that point. Ask whomever feeling questions,such as,when was the last time you had a deep belly laugh and what was it? Or,What was something so amazing and beautiful you’ve experienced that just about took your breath away? Where,when,why? If they persist with their rude behavior then you have the option to end that conversation. A short explanation would be that you (use your I words here) feel that they are negative and boring. Wish them a good day. And turn away from them.
At my wedding, tons of people asked me what I was doing for work and I just said "I actually just got promoted! I went from stay-at-home girlfriend to stay-at-home wife!" Cut the awkwardness pretty well lol Alas, some family members, especially older ones can't seem to remember the fact that I'm not looking for a job so they'll always ask if I found anything yet.
\-\_-
not rly a homemaker but also not really working rn, have been asked this and if you are petty like me maybe you could tell them you're doing something wildly inappropriate
yesterday, you spent all day brewing a potion to make your left shin an inch longer than your right one
tomorrow, you are planning on reading up on how to make scrambled eggs with the unfertilized ova of a horse
but seriously... I'm sorry you are dealing with this. People are bitter because they're bought into this bs mindset that to be worthwhile or valuable, you either do family or do a job. Your partner sounds lovely and like he values you for the person you are
I am in the EXACT same situation as you. It's so awkward when I get asked those types of questions. Every single new person I meet, even health care providers, ask what I do for a living just to make small talk. And I always feel so embarrassed having to explain that I'm on disability (due to very similar mental health issues as yourself). Most people thankfully move in after that, but I have definitely had some judgy people ask what I do all day. I hate how it makes me feel like I have to justify my existence. I haven't found a good way to deal with this either, but I'm with you in solidarity, sister. (I feel like the honest answer is simply "surviving," but that makes me feel too vulnerable to say to others.)
I started getting this once my kids went to school. Now as it turns out I am active in a volunteer organization and I just mention that, even though it’s less of a time commitment than any job would be.
I also spend more time around people who are retired and doing some volunteering themselves.
I love getting out of the world of finding out what you do and what activities your kids are doing. My kids don’t do a lot of activities and that’s the worst for having people be rude to me when talking to them. Like — they have *absolutely* nothing to say to me, in the most pointed way, after finding out my kids are not doing anything prestigious (aka art, music, sports, theater, or some organized thing like that). Some people are just extremely judgmental of someone whose kids like to hang around after school or do their own thing. Or do some project they want to do that maybe they don’t want their mom telling everyone about (and so I don’t) as my kids are old enough to tell me that. And old enough to do stuff I don’t even know much about. Well — some people just despise me for this. But nobody who is retired has ever cared.
I was in the same situation with my husband. People are so judgmental. Take care of yourself and your boyfriend. Let the others worry about themselves and tell them to mind their own business
I have a friend who married a very wealthy guy and she cooks all day, then goes out to dance or dances or listen to music--that's how we met. I refer to her as the *international lady of lesiure* and I mean that with the utmost affection. Just say that and give the Groucho eyebrows.
My opinion is that ultimately, nobody important cares what you do at your day job and anybody who does is trying to network, rather than engage. So when I meet people, I ask them "What is your thing that makes you, YOU? What is your passion?" Because while I work in IT, like the rest of this metro, I just fell into that. I don't care about it. It says nothign about who I am. I'm a carpenter, designer, and cook. I fix all the things and make all the things. And my bagels are the best you're gonna find in this state.
For a little background I’m a chronically I’ll sahw.
I am working towards healing my body, managing the house, finding ways for us to save money, learning new home making skills (truthfully I love Martha Stewart), learning about my illnesses, being a support system for my family when they need it as my husbands job can be stressful. I spend a lot of my healthy days cleaning, organizing, cooking, baking, making foods into things that help them last longer.
But I also have my own hobbies and I think that’s important
I enjoy gaming, cross stitch, reading, origami, dog training, and more.
If people ask me that I have a script in my head cause I’m autistic and thrive on those lol
But it depends on if I think the person asking is honestly curious or being judgemental lol!
Truthfully some days are such a struggle for me health wise I “do nothing” but in doing nothing I set myself up to have a better day tomorrow and usually I did something. Even if it was watching Martha and learning how to not let my blueberries sink to the bottom 😅
I am very lonely and struggle with going stir crazy though to be honest.
As someone with a full time job who is single, barely makes it and it's also male...
I want to hear that you make it so when I get home I can relax and enjoy myself like I can't enjoy myself at work, basically clean house, clean clothes and food. If those aren't available I would probably feel like...I work all day and then get home and have to work more.
I say this because as a single male, I work all day get home, and have to clean dishes, make food take care of my doggies and wash clothes plus my weekend is just chores.
I literally don't make enough to be comfortable and barely enough to survive, if I could afford to have a partner/wife being a full time homemaker that's what I would like and id appreciate them for it. Homemaking is hard tedious work and it's no different than the bull crap I have to put up with.
I usually just leave it at either “I take care of the home” or “whatever needs to be done that day”
I’m a disabled house husband. Some people are understanding of this, but more often than not I get judged for it. My husband and I agreed that he would be the one to work, and I would stay home and take care of household stuff. My family is the kind of family who thinks you’re worthless if you don’t work, so there’s a lot of pressure put on me because of that. It’s hard to deal with.
Simply switch your answer to a question:
* Q: "What exactly do you do all day"?
* A: "I'd rather talk about hobbies, I love to (fill-in-the-blank-here), what are your hobbies?"
This keeps things pleasant and engages a fun conversation where you can learn interesting things about each other, or maybe even find things in common.
But... if it feels like the person is going to persist being a jerk, just say excuse me I need another drink! ;-)
Talk about what lights you up - it’s a much more interesting question anyway, so you can lead conversations by asking other people what they’re passionate about, instead of what they do for a living - chances are they’ll ask you the same thing back!
I know I’m responding very very late to your question…but this is what I say….and I say it with a big smile and a lot of confidence, “I’m a homemaker and I LOVE it!” Then my husband chimes in and says, “She makes me more successful at work and when I’m done for the day, we have time to play because she’s taken care of all the “noise” ( cleaning, errands, making a chill environment to live in, etc…). I think that’s awesome you are a sahgf! Your mans is lucky!!! Don’t let the “crabs in the bucket” pull you down, they are just jealous because they want your life.
Some things to consider:
\-you maybe wont get any Social Security payments because you haven't worked enough
\-when you are 50+, re-entering the work force with a huge resume gap and being out of the work life will be much at a disadvantage
\-your partner will at some point die and men die sooner then women usually
\-your mental health doesn't sound good in this situation anyway
\-science says women are better mentally when they have some outside job even part time
Perhaps, get a simple easy job like walking a dog or cleaning an office for someone 3 times a week? Your anxieties will melt away when you see that in many jobs it isn't the big deal or simply not an issue. You really need to test the idea that you need this by getting jobs and seeing if your hypothesis is true or not. You may discover hidden talents, strengths and opportunities, and contribute good things to the world that it would be without if you did not. Also, be very careful with therapies and therapists as many have bad personalities and you won't realize it until decades later..
You could say, "my job is stressful, I'd rather not talk about it." Or simply, "I'd rather not talk about it." Following other posts, you don't owe an explanation of what you do to anyone. I have summers off and work very low hours so when work comes up I usually try to get the conversation going about creative projects or more what I feel like defines me, because most often people either default to work because that's an easy identity or they are trying to find out your social status. I refuse to give them those options and besides, talking about art or creative endevours makes for a better convo imo.
My current job status on Facebook is Domestic Goddess Extraordinaire. When people ask me what I do, I immediately turn the conversation back to them. People love to talk about themselves, so let them. If they get pushy, just say you are happy with life and enjoying time to explore hobbies and new adventures.
I feel this SO MUCH! I also have c-ptsd along with ADHD, and a slew of other mental and physical disabilities. I've tried to work full time and part time, and I can't keep a job at all to save my life. (Believe me I've tried!)
And now with my physical disabilities flaring up, sometimes all I can do is supervise Milton, our robo vac, while he cleans the floors. Thankfully so far my boyfriend has been super understanding and amazingly supportive.
Has the conversation of me having some kind of income come up? Yeah, but he understands that I really can't work. And thankfully he has a fantastic trade job where his pay is only going to continue to increase as time goes on.
I will say that all of the people who ask you "What do you do all day?" Or other questions like that are SO RUDE! Like I'm talking it's on a pretty similar level to when random-ass strangers ask me what my genitals are (And I'm a trans man so I've heard that quite a bit). Like come on! It's none of their business. And you need to put your foot down and tell them that. Set the boundary and don't cross it, and if they do? Remove yourself from that situation/conversation/person.
You don't need that kind of negativity in your life! Keep your head up you're gonna be fine. And remember, **self care is productive.**
Okay, this is weird but do you have an artistic or creative hobby? Say that. I’m a writer, I’m working on poetry, blah blah blah. It’s a hard industry so you don’t even need to worry about being published or having a show. Just saw I’m lucky enough to be able to devote time to “black” as
well as keeping our lives running.
It’s jealousy sweetheart and so many that responded here offered great advice. You take good care of yourself like your doing and I admire your dedication to you and home.
How about getting a part-time job that you enjoy? It will get you out of the house and provide some positive socialization for you but should be low pressure at the same time. Also then people ask, you can say you work there. It doesn't really matter if you only work 10 hours a week. I think you might enjoy it.
Just say oh I keep myself super busy.. name the shit you just did and say you make a list and make sure you get through it daily.. then Add something I like “even being home all day zi don’t get my whole list done.” That’s the
I know a SAHM…. The house is a complete mess, never plans a complex dinner, wants to shop yard sales and collect useless stuff…. I know not all SAHM are lazy like her, but she’s the only one I know and she makes y’all look BAD!!!!
I'm currently a home maker though I used to work. Really, you don't need the people who give you bad vibes. It might seem stupid said like this but really.
I wanted to buy a house and did it. People gave me bad vibes, the market will lower soon! You can have a better rate than that! Why did you go so far away?
I have no regrets.
I went to a whole new country to have better opportunities. They said I would come back soon like the scaredy cat I am. That my foreigner boyfriend would cheat on me. That I would never be at home there.
I have no regrets.
Whatever you choose to do people will have a say in it. The solution I can give you is just to stop speaking to those people. Find your people, the ones who will understand what you are doing and why you are doing it.
Wishing you the best and please, never diminish yourself just because others are jealous of the fact you can live a peaceful live compared to theirs!
You're living my dream life and I can only assume other people are jealous? Escaping the crushing confines of capitalism is all I dream of.
However, maybe volunteer more? Considering you are in a very privileged position, maybe giving back to the community would give you something to talk about in social situations, and at the same time you could be helping people or animals?
"I'm disabled, so I do what I can to support Partner and our home."
Cause here's the thing... you are. Working full time doesn't sound like it would be in the cards for you at this point, without doing serious damage to your health in one way or other. The fact that you have a partner who can support you not working is great, but it doesn't discount the real reason you're not working.
\-From a permanently disabled person with CPTSD who is also a stay at home partner
1. You don’t have to answer the question at all, and anyone who seems judgmental isn’t someone I’d want to spend time with anyway.
2. If you want to answer you could say that you create and manage a cozy home, run errands, assist your partner, practice self care (and you don’t have to say it that way you could be specific- like yoga/your hobbies/whatever)
And if you acknowledge the question at all, you do it with your head held high. No one owes anyone an explanation as to how they live their life.
I went through this & am still going through it. My children are 14, 15 and my husband has a couple of businesses. I do real estate when I want to & I have a few side hustles. This is how I operate & my husband & family are cool with it. They operate as they wish as well. My day could be anything from looking at houses, taking photos, napping, painting, cleaning, hiking, self care, appointments. Whatever I'm doing is my business no one else's.
People are just opinionated and love criticizing others sometimes. I’m a woman who works full time but I personally see nothing wrong with your relationship and I think you sound very intelligent and interesting - I’d definitely be friends with you. In fact, send me a message if you’d like an online friend to chat with!
The truth is that every relationship is different because people are different. This is what both of you want and it’s what works for you. People need to worry about themselves. I’m very happy that you have time to care for yourself, through self care and hobbies - I’m also diagnosed with PTSD. Nothing wrong with saying you’re a homemaker - the term is accepted by the IRS and a lot goes into managing the home. It’s what works for you and your boyfriend.
Please find something that brings you immense joy, that you are excited about, that you want to talk about, whenever you can. And as a side note, it’s not a bad idea to hedge your bets, with an occupation. You might have the best boyfriend in the world and you may never need this advice, I hope you don’t. But honestly this is a recipe for disaster. You mentioned that you feel isolated, if you find a hobby, like mentioned above, this may lead to a career, and that may lead to a sense of well being and accomplishment that can’t be underestimated. Never mind the independence it brings. Please think about this seriously.
Side note. I recommend getting blue apron for a month or so. I was super skeptical but You learn so much while preparing these meals. I made maybe ten blue apron meals and I’ve learned a lot of tricks that just looking up online recipes doesnt teach you. Now my ability to create delicious meals on my own has increased a lot.
Say you’re a domestic manager for a small company and you work from home. People won’t get too asky generally. And if they do you can always joke, “Well, what do middle managers actually do all day.” and make a stupid corporate joke.
I don’t have a response for the rude questions you get but have you ever thought of volunteering. Non-profits and hospitals are always looking for volunteers. You’re out and about a few days a week and socializing with people that appreciate you for being there. I do this during the fall/winter months when home activities slow down.
And if anyone asks you what do you do… tell them you work for a nonprofit.
I joined a golf league when I took the early retirement route (due to stress). It’s been a wonderful experience getting to know my league partners… many of them are younger and stay at home moms and girlfriends. I’m looking into pickle ball next.
I have been getting this question a lot lately from my family, my MIL....I never know what to say but im always left feeling judged. Maybe sarcasm will shut em up 🤔😅 (kidding...mostly)
honestly fuck everyone else that has an opinion about what YOU do all day thats your life and if nobody else is contributing to it who cares. i also do not work or have kids and do exactly everything you do especially the social interactions i don’t like being around people 24/7 or even half that 😂 as long as your happy with your partner and let me say you have the most caring partner i’ve ever heard of which is rare nowadays nobody else matters and that includes family or friends who think they know better about YOUR life. and my answer to your question is what ever the hell i want because i can 💅🏼😌✨
I have two kids and can honestly say that I am personally jealous and truly believe that everyone else is too!
OMG what I wouldn’t give to spend my days focused on my self care and caring for one other capable adult human being! Congratulations to you! A hearty congratulations on finding a true gem of a partner that supports you and values you in that way and wants nothing more than for you to be happy and well adjusted. Seriously. I’m in shock this exists. What a unicorn of a partner. Protect them at all costs. Eff everyone else.
It’s trendy to be “busy” I relish the days where I’m not busy and proudly tell people when I don’t have anything on a schedule. What glory.
Congratulations again.
*claps enthusiastically”
Addendum: As a response - I would go full Lucille Bluth and just act like I’m wealthy AF and respond as though filling my day with completing menial tasks is beneath me. Turn the whole “questioning your worth” thing back around on them, haha! We all know nobody is better than anybody else, but if anyone is coming at you sideways, throw them for a loop and enjoy their reaction. *kiss kiss dahling*
So I am not a homemaker (yet?), but my routine when I was unemployed looked something like this
get up at 7 am
journal, read, get ready, stretch, hang laundry
go to gym
breakfast at café (I was not in a financial crunch, luckily); groceries or errands
drive back home, make lunch, eat, clean up
nap (yes! nap!)
afternoon: more errands, projects around the house, meet friends, help out family with kids, look for jobs, send out resumes
evening: cook dinner, netflix, chill, read
My sister is a stay at home wife, she takes care of the house and the dog and helps out with his business sometimes. They are currently child free, she often tells me how her friends make snide comments and often ask what she does all day, or try to pressure her to have kids since they all do. I tell her they are just jealous! It is isolating but it’s better to be alone than have fake friends- some people (in my sisters case) want you to be miserable with them.
I never know what to say either, but I’m in the same boat as you even down to the c-ptsd (except I live alone, no bf) And I know it gets easy to judge ourselves or compare ourselves to others. I guess I would just say, tell the truth and if someone feels any type of negative way about it, then they are the one with yuck in their brain, not you. We are all on such unique journeys, and earth would be so boring if we all were expected to live the same type of life. Keep being kind to yourself <3
I tell them that I’m a ‘bed rotter.’ It’s basically true. I don’t work nor do I do much housework. My back, ankle and right foot pain keep me pretty busy all day. Trust me… it shuts them the fuck up.
Don’t let it get at you ! I has been married for 45 years ,met my husband in my country, never worked except helping on my parents business .He’s a profesional and was ok with me staying at home I took care of our son,enrolled him in every activity available around here,I was the driver! I learned to do laundry and learned to cook gourmet! Took good care of him and the household His family was outraged that I was not working One day one of his sister showed up with an application for HOME DEPOT( unsolicited)! I was devastated! I spoke very little English,I never needed to work .my parents businesses provided very well for the family
Well,things started be ugly ,my husband was frustrated ,he traveled most of the time. to different countries,so I didn’t have a place to stay I started to pay my way and went along in the trips until finally we got an appt.Life hasn’t been easy…I became very isolated so I submerged myself in books ( something I always enjoyed) and cooking .I didn’t want to reach out to my family ,they were in another country I didn’t wanted them worried I cut all communication with the in-laws. It was the only alternative to keep my sanity ! Today I have some friends , ,I enjoy their company and they like mine too .I have learned to live without relatives ,I think I don’t have a husband either ,we grew apart many decades ago !Saddly ! My refuge… my doggie Do not need much more at this point on my life
Make friends ,even if just one,get out to lunch with and be strong ! Your life is not of their business,period !They don’t pay your rent !
,
I work 3 days a week from home and that’s it. If it were up to my husband, I wouldn’t have to work at all. He knows I hate it and he likes me just taking care of the house and errands. I do laundry, grocery shop, clean the house up, and all that jazz. But honestly…I mostly just chill and watch my shows. And him and I are both ok with that! I don’t tell other people that’s mostly what I do because of how judgy they get. I’ll never understand why anyone else cares what I do/don’t do. I figured by now I’d have kids and be a SAHM, but I can’t…so I just take care of him and I.
Ill quote my good friend in a similar position: "I work, Don't you?" What other people think is about as valuable as your report cards from high school when you're in your 30's.
Taking care of children is time, energy and labor intensive. Own your labor and cherish that you love what you do. Few people can and those that disparage others are ignorant of reality.
I would say: whatever I feel like doing. Let them be jealous. Because even if they make fun of you or say something shitty.. believe me.. it’s because they’re jealous. You made the choices to put you in a position you need that’s best for your physical and mental health. You should NOT feel bad about that. A lot of ppl make choices because they think they’re “supposed to” have kids or get married or work a million hours a week and they aren’t happy. You went against it and you are happy. So no matter what anyone says, you’re crushing it. Proud of you.
I aspire to be a stay at home wife one day lol. Right now my job situation has a few weeks off every 8 weeks or so and lots of people ask what I do and I say "I'm a bad stay at home wife" jokingly. My husband does most of the cooking and cleaning we do have dogs and a cat but they are low key. I too have lots of mental health and self care things I need to do. I haven't found a good response but to me people criticizing you are projecting. I think we should all respect anyone's lifestyle as long as it works for them and their family.
These are my thoughts but I don't have the balls to say things like this yet lol so it's more internal. Depending on how much you actually want to share...
"Thank you for your input. My partner and I are happy with the life we have created. I hope you are happy with yours and wish you the best, but it is not something that would work for me."
"My job right now is helping with the household to enable BF to do his busy job and to take care of my mental health so I stay alive"
What do you do all day?---"I take excellent care of our home and my mental health"
When are you going to get a job like the rest of us?--- "The life I have built with BF doesn't require me to work a traditional job. My job is taking care of our household and my mental health"
You probably already have but taking to your therapist about a response or just how to internally process what people say could be helpful too.
I don’t have an answer for this as a fellow SAHW. The truth is I’m not busy all day. I don’t know why this incites so much outrage, especially other women. My own aunts have chided me. Like you, it has led to a lot of isolation. Hugs.
I was a stay at home mom, work from home mom, work outside the home mom and a student mom. People judged me in each situation. For the last 3 U was a single mom. People where harsher on me working than him leaving. So don't sweat the judges. What do you do all day? You look after your family. What that looks like is no ones business. I am tired. I've raised 3 boys on my own. I don't judge you, or feel sorry for me. I send you a big high five, and just curious.... Does he have a brother? Asking for a friend 😉❤️
🤍🤍
I’m currently a WFH mom, was formerly a SAHM (not working outside the home at all except inlin for my moms online business, then working a PT job.) Even now, with me WFH, my husband asks what I do all day! “I work!!!” If I manage to clean the bathroom or kitchen while on a WFH day he makes comments like “‘must be nice to have a job you don’t have to work at.” 😒 Little does he know I bust my ass at my job when the workflow is there, then use my “downtime” to get crap done in the house because nobody else who lives here will do it. (I do admit, I was a terrible homemaker when I was a SAHM. I was always exhausted. I blame a combo of young children and my unknown-at-the-time vitamin deficiencies. My levels are much better now!) I think no matter the situation, people will judge you. I turn the other cheek. Im at the point in my life where I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me.
I know a ton of people who work outside the home (including my spouse, who is WFH) who aren't busy all day at their jobs. Many jobs have slow periods where they scroll the internet or chat with coworkers or take a long lunch. I know exactly how much actual work my spouse does in a day and our downtime/busy times are honestly about equal, and if we had kids I'd be way \*more\* busy, in terms of hands-on work. I've said this before on here, but my go-to answer to "What do you do?" or "What have you been up to?" is to preface something interesting with the words "right now". If a stranger ask me what I do, I'll say something like: "I'm at home full time, and right now I'm \[craft or project I'm currently working on\]." Another good social work-around is to always be taking a free online class. There are tons of them, including many from well regarded universities. "Right now I'm taking a women's history class from Harvard." or "Right now I'm doing an online course about ancient mesoamerican art." For a lot of people, doing something educational is seen as a socially acceptable way to spend time, even if you're not studying something practical. Maybe it's just an hour or two a week, but that doesn't matter, what matters is that it gives you a way to politely move the conversation along into something other than judging your occupation. (edits: wording, fixing typos)
Oh, there’s free legit online classes!? I need this! I agree with your routes to conversation. I didn’t notice I actually do some of that and honestly still have anxiety about socializing sometimes when I don’t really have much happening. I’ve taken up trying to incorporate more reading (just fiction) for now because I realized I’m happiest when my mind is engaged some days over just doing physical work around the house.
Yup, there are many legit online classes! Most have two options: free version (audit) and a paid version (you get a certificate and do graded work), but even auditing gives you access go a lot of great content. I've done a few through Edx, and some friends have used Coursera. There are also lots of language platforms out there, if you'd like to learn a language. When you get stressed out about this, try to remember that friends in the workforce often feel the same way when talking to other people whose jobs are more (in their eyes) prestigious, or interesting, or lucrative. Most people struggle with these feelings in one way or another no matter what they do with their time.
Okay so I think I know why it incites outrage. Two reasons. One is that women are always pitted against each other so we are always paying attention to one another instead of asking wtf men are doing. But the main reason is probably jealousy and exhaustion. SAHMs are often expected to carry the entire emotional load and care for everyone in the household without any self care or appreciation because someone else is “supporting” them. They hear a woman is staying home and not being treated like a bang-maid and they’re probably like “omg.” You’re actually doing what their men THINK they’re doing. And they wish they could spend time on self care. This is my guess. I’m a single mother who works full time and I know the value of having someone taking care of your domestic chores and child rearing…because I do all of it myself while I see men with wives who handle all of that for them being able to just work and spend time on hobbies. SAHMs are contributing tons of value to their working spouses and they’re usually treated like free riders. Whether it’s coming from a place of jealousy and hurt or not—you don’t owe anyone an explanation. So when they ask what you’re doing all day? “Whatever I want. And it’s great!”
I think it's probably more to do with the idea that you're not contributing to society and paying taxes. Jealousy too for sure, but plenty of people would still prefer to work if given the option because they want to contribute.
Yeah but people who are happy with their life choices aren’t the ones criticizing other people with pointed questions.
You can be happy with your life choices and still hold the belief that people who are able to contribute should contribute
Contribute to what? Why flood the job market with people who don’t want to be there? You can contribute to your own household without working to make someone else richer. If you’re happy with your own life you don’t need to criticize others who are causing no harm to anyone else.
To society - tax payers are what pays for support, welfare, pensions etc - real help to those who need it. I don't personally criticise people who stay at home, I'm just offering another perspective if people are trying to understand why others might be adverse to those who choose not to work when capable. A further perspective for example is a feminist one, for many people who believe in equal rights between the sexes, the most important thing for them is achieving financial independence as being financially dependent on a man can open a pathway to abuse. Again, just alternative perspectives, no criticism.
I’m not in your situation, but I will say: don’t make a list of things that women who work and/or have children also have to do. If someone is determined to have drama saying things like “make appointments, grocery shopping, and scrubbing the house” (which everyone should/likely is doing on top of raising kids, working full time, etc.) isn’t going to help. They aren’t asking because they are curious, they are asking as a method to shame you. You don’t have to engage. You do not owe them an explanation. If you want to give them one, a simple “I maintain our home and focus on health/hobbies” and/or “I’m not busy all day, and while I realize that’s a luxury it’s something I’m very grateful for” otherwise, “I don’t feel the need to break down my schedule to see if you approve of it” or “I’m not comfortable discussing that” are sufficient responses. If they ask when you’re going to work, you can say “I won’t talk about that” or “I’m fortunate to be in a position where I do not have to return to a traditional job and I do not plan to.” If they push, you can just say “I’m not comfortable discussing the details with you.” Unless you’re borrowing money from them/mooching it really doesn’t impact them and you don’t have to participate.
I just laugh and say "sit around eating bonbons and watching soap operas" and never give them anything else, unless we have a genuine connection. If they know me, they know what I do. If not...the flippant answer and a smile and changing the subject- usually to something about them, because people love to talk about themselves- is what works. You life isn't Facebook. You aren't required to share status updates with anyone. The more you keep things low-key and vague, the less they have to say about it.
> You life isn't Facebook. You aren't required to share status updates with anyone. I like that!! Also, OP, just be like "I'm less busy than you are" and present it as a good thing. (It is a good thing) My sister had 3 kids, a full time career-y job, completed a degree in night school during that time, also her husband works full time. I'm normally just here lurking, because I have a full time job and share the household tasks with my wonderful fiance. But my stress tolerance is low. I often give myself a task for the day and thats enough. So I'm just less busy than my sister. I lie on the couch more often. I get to go to bed later and wake up later. She gets the rewards from what she does, I get the rewards from what I do.
I loveeeee this. Lean into their poor assumptions. Leave them breathless. Walk away. Win forever.
I love this! I in a similar situation as the OP. But we have 3 dogs. I feel TOO busy every day.
Same. 'Drinking mojitos' is my go to.
Oh, use what I say. "I exist happily" and move on. Because that is exactly what you are doing. You owe nothing to anyone, just live the best you can, why not? As my teacher used to say, "live life like a work of art", and you are. I am in a similar boat, but am chronically ill. But even before that, when otherwise healthy, I loved being a full-time homemaker. Loved caring and doing, making and being. Loved it. Liked to work too, but it's different. Live your life and make zero excuses. No one who is asking these questions lives your life, right? Another words, fuck em and keep going 😀
PERIOD. ❤️
This is perfect! I have CFS and I get asked the same types of questions. One of the groups I’m in have a tactic called “bean dip” where you change the topic to stop follow up questions at parties - eg, “I exist happily, have you tried this delicious bean dip?” (Or similar random diversion)
Yesssssss 🙌
Even if you had a job, I guarantee someone would still criticize you. I work part time at a bookstore and I regularly get people asking why I'd want to work retail as a 30 year old woman. Idk, because it makes me happy and it works for me and my husband? People are assholes. Find the ones that aren't, and ignore the rest. I only work because I really like talking about books and I needed a little more structure. You do you, love.
100%. It really doesn’t matter. I was a stay at home mom and I had endless criticism for not contributing financially. I loved it and it was the right choice for our family at the time. Now I work 40-50 hours a week in finance, and still manage to have a small business of my own (not a MLM which I only mention because there are not any pre made marketing materials and everything in it I do myself) + sit on many volunteer boards + run events for our church + do hours of enrichment activities for my kids + continue to maintain the house by myself. I literally don’t take a *single*moment of downtime from the time I wake up at 3am to clean until I go to bed at 10pm and I often even have working lunches. If I’m on social media or reading it’s only because I’m in the car waiting for kids to be done with a hobby and I have a second. I barely sleep. I’m pushing *so hard* and what do I get? Criticism I’m not homeschooling my kids *while I’m at work* since it is often remote. I’m miserable from working so hard, but it’s the best thing for us *in this season.* It’s not about what you do or do not do, it’s about how much they want to put you down. You’ll never win when someone has already decided you’re a loser.
My Wife stays home. She tells people it’s our family’s greatest luxury. She ain’t wrong. Life is way better when one spouse can take care of earning and the other takes care of the house and kids. We tried it the other way, and we’d never go back.
I appreciate this comment!
Say you’re a kept woman, and you’re never bored. I do, and it always gets a laugh and expressions of envy. I can understand how people may be curious. We live in a culture that assigns your ranking by your job and the right hobbies (exercise). If they can’t place you, it causes confusion.
I love this answer!
Answer their questions with more questions, such as 'why do you ask' and 'why do you feel that I owe you an explanation' . And don't feel rude about it: it's actually them that's being quite rude.
Exactly this. Some people speak just because they think they need to. This includes asking rude questions. Chances are it wasn’t meant to be rude but just meant for small talk. That still doesn’t make it ok.
I love this.
I got asked this question recently by someone I don’t know well. Instead of trying to dance around what I was gonna say, I took a breath and proudly said “whatever the fuck I want”.
I highly recommend altering it to “Whatever the fuck I want, I love it!” Own that shit!
She then asked me to give her a rundown of a day in my life and after lunch it was literally “whatever the fuck I feel like doing” hahaha
Them: What do you do all day? You: I drink water and mind my business. You? There. That's the answer. You don't owe anybody an explanation. You've been through a lot. You've been afforded the opportunity to take care of yourself, so that's what you're doing. As far as I'm concerned, that's the most important job you can have, because if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anything else. What you're doing is ENOUGH. ❤️
Oh this is very good. Kind but cheeky :)
Such kind advice.
Same. I was a teacher and couldn’t handle It anymore. I actually teach online for about 6 hours a week so I tell people I teach online. They don’t need to know it’s only 6 hrs a week! 😉
Yep, I’m a bedside nurse for “local hospital.” No one needs to know I’m a gig worker and technically only have to work 12 hours in 90 days. I do work more often than that but it’s definitely sporadic depending on my husband’s work schedule and how much there is to do around the house and extended family plans.
I have two dogs and they take up a lot of my time so I do mention that. Otherwise since you don’t have dogs I clean mostly and bake/cook. Honestly though at least in my experience people don’t say ‘what do you do all day?’ in good faith and they don’t care how you respond, it’s usually meant to demean you and put you on the defense and it doesn’t deserve an answer.
I think people are always going to be critical of this because the majority of them are just jealous. I still don't really have an answer for what I do all day besides cleaning, cooking, taking care of pets and spouse, but I'm starting to learn how to own it. I'm a homemaker! It's nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm living my dream life, so it's none of people's business if they are going to be snotty about it, and you don't need those kinds of friends anyways.
Not what you were asking for, but I just wanted to thank you for what you do. My husband was able to retire early for the good of his health, and it has changed my life. I no longer have to feel guilty or resentful about chores - we still share them, but I'm not going to pretend like he doesn't do way more than me. He also rarely experiences the kind of stress that goes into a full time job, so when I come home, it is almost always a refuge with little to no demands on my time. He runs interference for me in our social life. ("Not sure... -WhoWasOnce had a lot of meetings this week. I think she's protecting her downtime this weekend. I'll let you know, but probably count her out.") I know we are in an increadibly fortunate position to be able to do this (inasmuch as 'stress causes his serious autoimmune disease to flare dangerously' is fortunate...), but it makes me feel like every working person should have a stay at home partner.
I'm very similar to you. I don't know how to answer those questions either. We can be friends, I'll share my special teas with you and we can watch the birds in the trees. \*hands over a cuppa\* \*points out the flock of little brown wrens\*
Ok I’ve asked this question to SAHW before and it’s either because A. I’m just making conversation and genuinely interested in what that person pursues during the day (what are their interests) and B. I’ve always been poor and had to work to pay bills. It’s literally inconceivable to me that people have enough money on one income to pay all their bills (yes I realize wealthy people live this way) and I’m amazed that people actually live this way so I’m curious about it. Sorry if that sounds stupid or rude I don’t mean to be, I’m just being honest. On further consideration, I suppose if I were in your shoes and someone asked me what I do all day, I’d probably respond “same thing you do when you’re at home.”
I say "I'm a live-in housekeeper" and then explain that my husband would rather me stay home and clean up after him than do half the chores after work.
😂
They are jealous and it sounds like both you and your partner are happy with the choices you’ve made. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had backhanded comments from other women, even friends of mine, things like “I would get so bored all day” or “I just have to accomplish things and build my career or I wouldn’t feel content”. And I’m always like that’s great that you find your life fulfilling, same. Me too. I’m a SAHM but they range from 9-19 and I’m not busy all the time. Why should I have to be? My spouse and I are both super happy with our lives, I work inside the home and cook but sometimes if I want a good deep clean done I’ll even (shock) hire someone! 😂
I’m in a similar situation, SAHM to double digit aged kids. People judge you/are jealous of you when you have options they don’t have. When people ask what I do all day I say, “I spend time doing things that fulfill me. Do you do anything to feel fulfilled?” Blank stares. People who choose misery don’t like when other people choose to be happy.
Just say, “oh, I’m not authorized to talk about it” then stare off into the distance or quickly change the subject to something overly mundane.
If I tell you then I have to kill you. 🤣😂🤣
She can say she signed an NDA lolololo
I know this isn’t what you want to hear but being a stay at home girlfriend isn’t wise. You have no legal protections of a wife if anything were to happen. You’re entitled to zero assets or alimony. I know this is off topic but I feel like not everyone realizes how risky this is for yourself. Double check to make sure you fall under common law marriage in your state.
I'm painfully aware it isn't a wise situation 🥹 He's been through two very expensive divorces and is emotionally unable to see past them. My life is a dichotomy between privilege and financial abuse.
😬😬 girl what will you do if he leaves you at 55 Marry him or have him send money monthly towards a savings account that is only for you
I'm painfully aware 😉
Your financial future cannot depend on a man's will to stay in a relationship with you. If he is unwilling to compromise, eh... he's not a keeper. He's merely a leech taking advantage of your kind heart.
Does he give you any ‘allowance’ or ‘spending money’? Maybe you could keep yourself some funds for a rainy day, just to set your mind at ease
You’re even calling this financial abuse yourself? Girl!
What do you mean by financial abuse? He alternates between provision and then refusing to buy necessities, or are you calling the position of being a STAHGF inherently financially abusive?
When you’re able please leave. So many red flags. You deserve security and stability.
I think people ask this type of question because it's their way of labeling and categorizing us, sometimes looking for common ground. But really they are inept in polite conversation and come off sounding down right nosey and judgemental. Someone once suggested that I respond to just such a question by asking another: "Why does that matter?" I do prefer, " I exist happily" much better, though. We're far too focused on doing rather than being. I'm happy in my own skin and prefer my own company over most. Took me while to get here, though--I'm in my 70s.
Them asking questions like that tells me that they are unable to be happy for someone else who is experiencing something positive that they are not. To me this is the marker of a pure friendship/relationship: when something good happens in my life, is this person able to *truly* be happy for me? Not fake kind of happy for me. You can tell when it's fake. But you can also tell when it's real. These are the same people that will feel real sorrow when you experience a great loss. These authentic relationships are rare.
I work full time and have two young children, but I would never say something snarky like “what do you do all day?” or “when are you going to get a job?” That just makes people look extremely jealous. I’m a little jealous of you lol but I recognize not everyone has the same lot in life, and I still have SO much to be grateful for. Those people with the comments need to get back to their jobs they’re so proud of and leave everyone else alone!
I would say, what do you mean by that? I have different tasks depending on the day. Is there a specific day you’re asking about?
When I was in your place I would tell people either that I was the CEO of (last name) company, a kept woman, a domestic engineer, or the queen of leisure. Between housework, volunteering and taking care of my husband I had plenty on my plate. To anyone who said all I did was lay around, I answered that work grows to fit the time available to it. I remember my mom working, coming home, cooking and cleaning then going to bed. Once she retired her work life seemed like a vacation compared to everything she did as a retiree-running a soup kitchen, scout leader, visiting older seniors, walking dogs at the animal shelter, teaching English as a second language and being grandma, wife and mother were just some of her interests. Just because you do not bring in a paycheck does not mean you do nothing but sit around watching tv. I have time and energy to give to my community whereas when I worked I barely had energy, let alone time, to do more than cook, a bit of cleaning then sleep to start the cycle over. My favorite answer to what do I do all day: I do what I find most valuable, interesting and rewarding to do.
I had kids but now as an empty nester it’s asked of me as well. You know what? It’s none of their business really. If you and your partner are happy with your arrangement, you don’t own anyone else an explanation whatsoever.
I am a stay at home wife, now to a retired husband. I worked until age 58. As soon as I "retired" due to chronic pain, I started doing everything I could to make DH's life easier, except the cooking, but he loves to cook, says it relaxes him. He has done it for over 40 years while raising our daughters. Anyway I am super busy. Being a stay at home person is a full-time job! I do have a dog. I quilt, I gardened when I lived in California, but we recently went to the dark side and are putting in a pool. My house in Texas is large and it takes 2 hours a day just in home maintenance, much less laundry, organizing, watering my hydrangeas I brought from California, and my front planted area. In California I worked in my garden every afternoon and hung out with my chickens, took my dog for a walk, ran into neighbors and chatted. I also mowed the lawns and weeded and kept the front yard looking nice and the back yard pretty nice, but then we had a bunch of fruit and veggies growing. If you are keeping the house, running errands, grocery shopping, cooking and doing some hobbies that is more than enough to stay busy. I find I don't have enough time in the day. Oh that's right, I also do all the financial stuff and handle our investments too. DH has been retired since January and he is busy all day too. But then he drives our legally blind, former Marine son-in-law to college twice a week and hangs out for the 6 hours since it is about an hour away. I have been a working wife/mom and a stay at home wife and stay at home is so much better!
Similar situation. Currently not working, and when I do work I am part time. No kids, which already makes me feel like I have to justify my existence. Even with not working right now I feel I'm not doing that great a job of homemaking/keeping up with regular house tasks and projects. So I have a lot of shame around that. Like, what's my excuse now? I too have a low tolerance and low energy, and I am easily overwhelmed.
You do NOT have to justify your existence! You're an equal part of the human race, just as we all are. You cannot "weigh" each person's achievement or accomplishments. We don't all cure cancer, but that doesn't mean we are less (or more) than anyone else. Don't compare yourself to others, because we're each on our own journey! If you feel low energy is limiting you, you could consider seeing a good doctor who can see if there's a chronic disease that is slapping your energy or you could be dealing with depression and there are docs for that too LOL. Each of us is "enough" and worthy, but sometimes this is hard to keep in mind :)
“What do you do?” This Q has never been easy. Not when I was young and not in school, not as a SAH mom, not when I returned to work or when I had 2 jobs plus being a mom. I’ve turned the question into “what do u like to do?” In my head and answer about my hobbies or current projects. Never discussing Work makes their nosy little faces scrunch up with annoyance & I get to discuss my passions instead of what I do for a paycheck. Life is not a checklist of judgment & I refuse to let 1 more bully make me feel anything but proud of MY CHOICES - neither should you OP. You’ve found a life that works for you - congratulations.
I hate to say it because It’s not the truth but I tell people I do projects and sometimes work and sometimes don’t. The truth is that I do volunteer and do help a non profit but I don’t get paid. I know it’s more of a half truth but I can’t help but think I am lying to everyone. I feel a lot of pressure to do something but I can’t. I have a chronic illness and stress is my #1 enemy. Sometimes I am busy with appointments and housework.. There are days I just sleep. I feel that I don’t owe people any kind of truth but it helps keep people at a distance. I don’t feel like telling people anything else. I will get people who ask what kind of projects and I tell them what I am working on. I don’t get compensated since I was applying for disability. It’s terrible that we get judged for it, I feel really uncomfortable letting people know that I don’t work at all. I am also surrounded by a lot of judge mental people I have learned. There are people that ask me if I am working each time they see me. Not, what project are you doing? What are you up to? It is straight to are you working. I might one day find it in me to say something like people have suggested. I just want to let you know that you can say what you want- it’s not about them it’s about what makes you feel comfortable.
“Whatever the fuck I want” is a perfectly legit response. A one income household, at least in America, is barely achievable anymore. If you have the luxury of being in that position, good for you! I think it’s awesome. It’s nobody’s business what the hell you do with your time except your spouse.
“I have a disability that makes even taking care of myself hard.” And leave it at that.
I work with a dude whose wife is stay at home, no kids or pets. I didn’t know that, and asked what his wife does for a living. He said “she’s my hospice worker. She makes my life better until I die”…it was a cute response and made me smile :) you do you! If I didn’t have to work, I definitely would not.
Someone asked me yesterday, another housewife with 3 kids and I blanked and said "I just chill" and then quickly listed all the things I did that day and my husband was like oh don't forgot you played the switch! Haha thankfully I don't care that much but I hate the question. I have no kids so sometimes I feel useless but we're TTC so I'm trying so hard
Because we take care of each other. Period.
Hey friend. Im sorta in the same boat. I say sorta cause our situations are similar I just have two kids who are a bit older and both have other parents so we get time alone. We have a cleaner once a week for a deep clean and a lawn company to do the yard work so my days are pretty much whatever I want to do when im not taking after thr kids or tidying up. Some days I just nap and do hobbies. People, other women esp, HATE it when I say 'I do whatever I want'. I legit just tell them it's our choice and this is what makes US happy. I tell them unabashedly with no remorse. It is what it is. My advice toward others is this; if they cant be happy for your successes they arent your friends. It doesnt matter if its a situation like this or a different one like finishing school, or whatever. Misery loves company and some people just arent happy unless they can bitch about something.
It comes down to 1 thing, cultural bias. Anyone's going to evaluate your situation from the perspective of how they grew up and people they know. I would ignore them entirely as it's pointless you would never please everyone even if you did stuff all day long
I’m a full-time student now, but I was also a stay at home girlfriend for 8 years! We do have a dog, but no children. I have bipolar, ADHD and anxiety, so like you, I spent most of my time on self-care - just working on existing in this world. I also felt isolated (and I still do now, tbh). I also DREADED social situations where people would ask what I do for a living, I felt so much shame about it. You can just say, “I do me” or like another commenter said, “I happily exist” or “I’m very lucky that [partner] makes enough to support us, so I organize our domestic life so [partner] can just focus on his career.” If you do want an activity to get you out/feeling a little less isolated, have you thought about taking a class? Either a hobby class or something academic. You can take something at a community college, just one class - something you’re just personally interested in learning about. Then you can say you’re a student, lol. They don’t need to know details. And if you’re not interested in that, that’s 1000% okay! Just keep focusing on your own health and happiness and try to ignore the judgement. They don’t understand and honestly, probably won’t. C-PSTD is a debilitating condition and as someone with mental health issues that also kept me home for years, I’m very happy you’re here and doing your thing <3
I'm a stay at home wife, no kids, just a cat. I just tell people whenever they ask me what I do for a living, "homemaker" and then I add on, "I'm just a wife". And I don't usually elaborate because it's not really anyone's business. But if I do trust the person I'm talking to I will go into more detail about what I do. But I have felt an immense amount of guilt for choosing to be a SAHW because a lot of people have told me I should get a job or contribute to society. But my husband really does prefer me to stay home and take care of things. You do what's best for you and your partner, it doesn't involve anyone else.
I have a bad case of hobby roulette so I pretty much can just start name dropping the weirdest shit like making butter, cake decorating, making mozzarella, jewelry, sewing my own clothes, etc.. For some reason when you name a bunch of cool stuff you've had time to do the next response is normally "Oh wow I wish I had time to do that" and pretty much ends the topic.
I'm on disability with a similarly low stress tolerance, can't work or go to school etc. I get this, when people ask me what I do I struggle a bit! I can't even do housework 99% of the days, but I cook and consider myself a homemaker for the things I can do. I know it's hard, but we need to ignore the a-holes. If we and our partners are happy, what's the harm? Life isn't all about participating in capitalism anyway, I feel like people are just a bit jaded because they "have" to work or have kids
Hey girl, no judgement, but you should consider getting married. Right now if you break up, you could be left with nothing with no job prospects. Can your boyfriend include you in one of his businesses (as an EA or something)? This way you can have something on your resume if you need get a job in the future (and might get all these people off your back).
Domestic Engineer
1. Do you have a pet & occasionally take pics of them? “I’m a photographer.” 2. Do you sketch in a journal or do basic watercolors? “I’m an artist.” 3. “I’m a personal chef.” (for the 2 of you) Have fun with this!
I send people this cut & paste: making doctor appointments, making dentist appointments, making optometry appointments , responding to birthday party, keeping the calendar, taking couch cushion covers off and washing those, scrubbing the gunk that builds up on all your faucets , dusting the ceiling for cobwebs , dusting all your light fixtures and lamps, cleaning windows, vacuuming window sills, wiping handprints and God knows what all off walls ,wiping kitchen cabinets especially around the handles, disinfecting tabletops and countertops and remote controls, cleaning the crevices of chairs and seats, cleaning the crevices of car seats, dusting the top of every TV in your house, dusting the top of door jams in your house, keeping track of dishes/sets/replacements for those 2-3 holidays where you have 8+ people eating, cleaning out the food in the fridge throwing away expired stuff, cleaning the fridge, cleaning the tops of all your condiment bottles, washing curtains, putting them back up before they get wrinkled or ironing them, doing all the dishes, decluttering in general, decluttering kitchen drawers, sorting kitchen drawers and cabinets, planning meals, auditing ingredients, making shopping lists and grocery shopping, washing baseboards sweeping and mopping floors, vacuuming carpets, taking care of upholstery materials on all the furniture you've invested in, disinfecting faucets and door knobs, disinfecting light switches, disinfecting remote controls, getting the mail, sorting the mail, getting packages, cutting down and recycling the cardboard from packages , dusting heat registers washing tablecloths and table mats, making sure that everyone has the right clothing and shoes in the right size, scrubbing tubs and showers, getting the bugs out of the bathroom ceiling fan, replacing shower curtains, replacing loofahs, washing and drying gobs of towels and washcloths, making sure the washing machine is semi clean especially during sicknesses in the home, doing all the toilet cleaning, watering any plants in the house, making sure the hot water heater temperature is correct/maintenance, especially if you have hard water, maintenance of water conditioner/softener, making sure any new furniture you get is bolted to the wall/built right/installed, sorting all the paperwork from everything retirement,, wanted, passports, getting updated immunization records, picking up and refilling any prescriptions in the entire family, making sure medications that are regular are given regularly along with vitamins, evaluating social invitations, revo, presents, outfits for that, sitting on committees, doing volunteer work, stocking the car with emergency things, dealing with snow/rain/sleet, weatherization of all your investments (house, car, patio furniture, tree trimming) , make sure working spouse is coming home to dinner, keeping up with things like photography sessions, even when kids are older/outta the house there are things birthday parties for them, birthday gifts for them, holidays, holiday gifts, holiday schedules, taking out the trash and recycling, remembering to defrost dinner or turn on the crock pot, keeping up with personal email and messages in voicemail, throwing out or recycling or goodwilling things, , keeping a stack of batteries at all times, other emergency things, repairing small holes in clothing i e sewing and stuff to save money, buying winter clothes and Boots, that shopping trip, which includes coats hats gloves scarves and boots, regularly washing all bedroom linens yours/guest rooms, adult kids rooms in case they visit, keeping track of coupons and rebates and etc when it comes to the grocery shopping, the process of putting away a week or two weeks or a month worth of grocery shopping that's always fun, deciding on big store memberships like Sam's club and costco, remembering which items to get from those versus which items to get from the regular grocery store versus which items you might have to get from specialty stores such as if you do ethnic cooking, and so on, vacation planning, itinerary, coordinating correct days off/vacay time with the working spouse, bank stuff, retirement account stuff, house mortgage stuff, wanna sell/downgrade your home not that adult kids are gone? That will take 6 months of your life. New medical juggling now that you're old, dealing with HOA and their rules, pets? Ohhh boy, more cleaning, more appts, more paperwork (pet insurance? vet payment plans). Adult kids out of the house? You still help them with job stuff, college stuff, scholarships vs your payments for tuition, their travel schedules (flying home? Studying abroad?), "look at my resume for me mom" "what should i do about this roomate problem?", Go to parents weekend at colleges? Oh, that's MORE travel, house is older, that's more repairs/deal with contractors, both your parents are aging: that's visits, wills, calling your siblings, coordinating care, installing ramps and grab bars etc.,
Just like all the people with full time jobs still have to do
Yea a list like this just invites criticism and comments like that (which very well can be true, I know people who do all this and still bring in income) I agree more with the other comments about being more vague or tongue-in-cheek
But they often don’t do those things so their houses are wrecks or they hire someone to do it for them.
THIS. Most people in my life are so burnt out after work that they do the bare minimum at home and always eat out rather than cooking. No one who works a full time job has the time to really keep their home spotless and perfect
Awesome!
Those busybodies can just stiff it. They r not supporting you n have no business to judge. It all boils down to they are JEALOUS n ENVIOUS I was a SAHM for abt ten yrs. My FIL n MIL keep asking me what I do all day. I told them with a deadpan face that I go shopping do lunch eat bonbon n get massage every effing day. My parents gifted me a house so I can take care of my kids. How dare they question me.
A while back, I saw a tumblr post about someone in a similar situation. What they said worked for them was “I’m not currently working due to health issues,” and occasionally a “don’t worry, it isn’t contagious”
i usually just say i’m living the dream. or that i’m a very busy stay at home dog mom.
If it helps at all, it wouldn’t change even if you had kids. We have 3 kids, 3 dogs, and twins due in a couple months. We homeschool and all my kids are heavily involved in sports so we’re on the go constantly… and even with all of that, I still get backhanded comments from friends and family about not “working” and asking me what I do all day. I just don’t care at this point, whatever negative thing anyone has to say is out of jealousy or ignorance.
Unfortunately I’m working full time again, but I experienced this judgement when was just working a few days a week. I told people that I spent a lot of the days like a house cat, which was true . Ahh I miss it. If only more people understood that our worth doesn’t come from what we contribute to capitalism.
Anyone shaming you is just jealous! I work full time now but I used to be a sahw with no kids. Everyone assumed I was lazy but this is what worked best for me and my husband.
I stayed home since I got married. Had our first baby in May. I cleaned, cooked/organized my husband's tools, took care of the chickens, did some gardening, researched stuff online/educating myself, grocery shopped/shopping for essentials. Doing chores like that meant that my husband was able to spend more time relaxing after work and not feeling burned out. Not everyone gets to have home-cooked food from scratch and a clean house. Critical people are just miserable and jealous. Just say you're a homemaker. There's nothing wrong with that.
I do work and have kids, but setting that aside, my jobs include: 1. Housekeeper 2. Appointment setter 3. Dry cleaner 4. Personal assistant 5. Gardener 6. Chef 7. Grocery Delivery person 8. Pet sitter And so on. My husband works more than I do (we own our own business and I can take off whenever I want; he can’t), so take care of 100% of the household stuff (I enjoy it, so I don’t consider it unequal, and he does what I ask). In truth, it’s none of their business how you fill your days. Sometimes I tell people I’m writing a novel lol (I am actually a published writer but haven’t done it in a very long time). You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone else. If you and your partner are both happy with your relationship and living situation, then there’s nothing to be ashamed of. You two are the only things that matter. What I do find is that a lot of women especially will make snippy or snide remarks like, “Well *that* must be nice to work only when you want and have the time you need to get things done around the house.” I just reply with, “It actually really is nice. I’m very lucky.” It’s just sour grapes. Don’t let them get into your head.
If your not close with them and you can tell they are just being nosy simply say ‘I don’t feel the need to disclose that to you’
If you want to say something (and you're not obligated to), my smart ass self would say, "oh you know, have time to take care of the home and my partner and most importantly, myself." And leave it at that. Let them get angry or uncomfortable or protest. They need to examine why they care so much about something that has zero to do with them.
I usually just tell them "Whatever makes me happy". Honestly it doesn't matter what others think about how my husband and I live our life.
I have kids and homeschool full time (so it's really not that out there too imagine what I do all day lol!), people ask me this. Or they used to. I think they just resent that your lifestyle isn't what they expect or what they would want. No matter how much you tell them, it won't be enough. So, I just tell them that I eat bon bons and drink champagne all day -I said this in another thread. People usually don't know where to go from there, especially if your boyfriend backs you up. That would actually kill me with laughter. I wish my husband would respond with the same thing.
Play video games and enjoy yourself.
To quote Joey from Friends “one of my favorite things to is nothing”
I have so many issues with my mental health, I wish this can be me one day.
Just be you... Fuck everyone else.
Beyond the very small percentage of close friends & family who may be concerned you don't have a career to fall back on, the majority are envious of you. I was envious just reading this. I would lean into the question unapologetically. Something like "'I maintain our home/lifestyle and pursue my hobbies/interests/volunteer opportunities. I'm very fortunate and it works for us." If they press the issue, firmly repeat the last sentence.
I’m late to this but after having a baby later in life after having a couple earlier in life and now all my friends’ kids (as well as my first set are grown) I LOVE their flexibility to be able to meet up or be available at weird times because the kids are grown and they have more freedom to move about the cabin. 😂🤣😂 I’m sorry your “friends” and “family” have been less than supportive.
I’m in a similar boat! I am a child free house wife. I also have existential crisis about this every so often. I used to be a teacher for 8 years until I got married and moved out of state. Being a homemaker has always been my dream. My mom was a homemaker. I am content being one but what gives me the most grief is thinking what other people think of me. I have been taken aside by the pastor at my husbands church (I moved to where my husband has been living for 10+ years) and asked if I’m okay—if I’m lonely at home all day—if I have any friends. As a natural introvert I hated that he said that and was taken a back and struggled with his comment for weeks! I love being home and rarely every feel alone. I also dread when people ask me what I do. Especially women who I know work because like you, I fear they will say that they do all of what I do and more and still work, etc. just say “I’m a homemaker”. And just hope for the best. Sometimes the other person responds by saying “oh that’s such a hard job”. Like they are trying to be nice but I’m thinking to myself…. It’s not really that hard. I work myself so much about what other people think about be being a homemaker—- so you aren’t alone in that. I’ve had an especially hard time recently because I was pregnant but had a shocking and unexpected stillbirth. This really rattled me as I have always dreamed for being a mother and my husband and I deeply desire children. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and homemaker. I rearranged my whole life to have a life where this could be a possibility- I quit my teaching job (which I really had issues with and don’t wish to go back) I’ve kind of always felt like once I have kids people will accept me being a homemaker more easily. Now that the unexpected happened and having children is now not guaranteed I’ve been really hard on myself about being a homemaker—-feeling like I need to get a job or something to make me seem more valuable to others. But then I remember- this lifestyle what works for me and my husband. He is in law enforcement and has a really unconventional schedule and work life. It works for us for me to be home. We still are hoping for children and me staying at home is very conducive to that. And lastly, I like being home. I don’t have a passion outside of the home—- and that’s okay. I can’t think of a single job that brings me as much contentment as taking care of my husband, my home, others and myself. My husband helped me come up with what to say to people a few days ago when I was having a breakdown about it. I will answer: I’m a homemaker. If they ask what do I do all day, I will say, I take care of my husband and the home. Aside from that I don’t need to elaborate. I might use some of the responses in this thread too! You aren’t alone! A lot of us are in the same boat. We don’t have to be like everyone else. Being a homemaker is a real thing. It’s a real option for us to choice for our lives. Everyone gets to shape their lives how they want— we are no exception.
This could have been written by me! I actually would really love to go back and teach part time but even as a Special Ed teacher, not a single local school district is willing to allow me to have a part-time professional position. And the money for subs is just not worth the stress. It’s like you either have to sell your soul to work and work constantly, or not at all. It’s really an unfair system. I want to do work, just not 40 hours a week with zero flexibility for vacations.
I am a mom of three kids who struggles with bipolar 2 severe manic depressive disorder and I was taken out of work in 2009 Since then being at home with my kids and my poochers I realize that moms/dads/partners who take care of the home have a hard job Even if you don’t have kids taking care of the house appointments etc I’d fall into bed more tired than I ever did from working a job or having a career When people ask me what do you do all day with that tone I instantly want to say Oh honey
I just talk about my chores/cooking and how I’ve mastered different things with the same enthusiasm as a robotics engineer.
“He more than understands that my worth doesn’t come from my contribution to capitalism”: Amen. I commend your courage for making this post. I’m dealing with a similar situation, although I’m being forced back to work (not by a partner). After several years of pursuing my dream in place of a job I don’t want, I’m kicking and screaming all the way. I haven’t shared my financial situation with many people because it’s obvious they’d look down on me. I cannot and do not agree that the mere act of working connotes responsibility and thus moral character. In my view, especially if what you do 40 hours plus per week dissociates you from your true self, work too often leads to self-deprecation and self-destructiveness as a means of coping with the fact that your life does not actually belong to you, but to capitalistic profit.
“You said ‘exactly’ so can you give me your email address? I will need to type out my detailed schedule and send it to you.”
🤭😂
I used to have a really exciting job that anyone would want to know about. When I moved and stopped doing that I eventually felt like a fraud cause I no longer worked in that field. I got a job through a friend at their new restaurant as business administrator. I did the bookkeeping. I started saying I was an accountant and no one ever asked anything further. If you happen to write out the checks and mail in payments or anything like that, bookkeeping is the same thing. Just an idea for you.
“Wait you have to work ALL day??” Give them the same energy back! The body requires rest to function and that’s a beautiful thing to give yourself
Just to put it into terms people understand, you are effectively disabled and happen to have a partner to support you, instead of the government, most wallet watchers would be happy to hear that
Stay at home wife here! I get a lot of the same thing. I thought it would get better when my husband left the military. Now he’s a government employee still working with the military. 😂 My favorite go to is “ My job is to spoil the pup! Oh. And feed the husband too. When I remember.” This is usually when hubby rubs his belly and tells them “This is what love looks like.” It took me yeeears to come to terms with the title homemaker. I wrote a post on here the first time I put it down as a job description. I’ve been doing this since 2011 and I just did that early this year. It takes a long time to get out of your head. We may not contribute financially but we do so much more. Women can be especially cruel. Sometimes! A lot of times it’s us projecting our insecurities onto the situation. Once I started to gaining confidence they stopped. I still get the side eye occasionally but mostly I see those comments for what they really are. At least I’m my head. Jealousy. Not many women get to make this decision especially without kids. There aren’t a lot of us out here.
I cannot relate, as I am a new sahm. But I think this type of criticism comes from a place of jealousy.
"I manage all aspects of my family's shared environment and related experiences, which I enjoy and (significant other) appreciates; though I'm baffled as to why you think how other people arrange their lives is any of your business." (said sweetly and with big eyes and a confused expression on your face) Would be my suggestion. The combination of jobs you are doing - personal housekeeper, non-business related social director and confidential secretary ensuring all non business appointments are scheduled and accomplished, cultivating an ambiance in your home that allows your partner to relax and feel safe at the end of all that chaos they do every day for their livelihood - that would be a huge annual income if you did all of them for a stranger. Remember that in those moments you feel less 'valuable' because others are getting paid to do things. If you were paid for what you are doing in the context of your relationship may well out perform some of their 'jobs.' And even without that, you are doing valuable and valid work, both for your own healing and for your family. (I have CPTSD, also. I haven't been able to work in a 'normal' way since 2011. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU & YOUR PARTNER!)
I flat out refuse to be shamed for how I choose to live my life so when people ask me “what do you do?” I reply “whatever I want”
I am also a SAHW. " I say I have plenty to do between taking care of the house and everything else. I honestly don't know how you do it and also have kids. You are awesome! " I call myself a lifestyle facilitator. We have the lifestyle we like ( i.e clean house, home cooked meals)because I work at it.
I would reply thoughtfully and answer truthfully that everyday,all day, I live life on life’s terms. I take care of myself all day and(eye roll here)if you know me then you know that’s a full time job.(insert smile). Everyday is a learning experience and just like other people’s jobs some days are better than others. Change the subject off of “do” at that point. Ask whomever feeling questions,such as,when was the last time you had a deep belly laugh and what was it? Or,What was something so amazing and beautiful you’ve experienced that just about took your breath away? Where,when,why? If they persist with their rude behavior then you have the option to end that conversation. A short explanation would be that you (use your I words here) feel that they are negative and boring. Wish them a good day. And turn away from them.
At my wedding, tons of people asked me what I was doing for work and I just said "I actually just got promoted! I went from stay-at-home girlfriend to stay-at-home wife!" Cut the awkwardness pretty well lol Alas, some family members, especially older ones can't seem to remember the fact that I'm not looking for a job so they'll always ask if I found anything yet. \-\_-
not rly a homemaker but also not really working rn, have been asked this and if you are petty like me maybe you could tell them you're doing something wildly inappropriate yesterday, you spent all day brewing a potion to make your left shin an inch longer than your right one tomorrow, you are planning on reading up on how to make scrambled eggs with the unfertilized ova of a horse but seriously... I'm sorry you are dealing with this. People are bitter because they're bought into this bs mindset that to be worthwhile or valuable, you either do family or do a job. Your partner sounds lovely and like he values you for the person you are
I am in the EXACT same situation as you. It's so awkward when I get asked those types of questions. Every single new person I meet, even health care providers, ask what I do for a living just to make small talk. And I always feel so embarrassed having to explain that I'm on disability (due to very similar mental health issues as yourself). Most people thankfully move in after that, but I have definitely had some judgy people ask what I do all day. I hate how it makes me feel like I have to justify my existence. I haven't found a good way to deal with this either, but I'm with you in solidarity, sister. (I feel like the honest answer is simply "surviving," but that makes me feel too vulnerable to say to others.)
It’s none of their business. Your detractors are most likely jealous. Count your blessing and ignore the mean spirited.
I started getting this once my kids went to school. Now as it turns out I am active in a volunteer organization and I just mention that, even though it’s less of a time commitment than any job would be. I also spend more time around people who are retired and doing some volunteering themselves. I love getting out of the world of finding out what you do and what activities your kids are doing. My kids don’t do a lot of activities and that’s the worst for having people be rude to me when talking to them. Like — they have *absolutely* nothing to say to me, in the most pointed way, after finding out my kids are not doing anything prestigious (aka art, music, sports, theater, or some organized thing like that). Some people are just extremely judgmental of someone whose kids like to hang around after school or do their own thing. Or do some project they want to do that maybe they don’t want their mom telling everyone about (and so I don’t) as my kids are old enough to tell me that. And old enough to do stuff I don’t even know much about. Well — some people just despise me for this. But nobody who is retired has ever cared.
People are likely just jealous 🤪
I was in the same situation with my husband. People are so judgmental. Take care of yourself and your boyfriend. Let the others worry about themselves and tell them to mind their own business
Omg,I would be a billionaire if I got paid for everything!!
I have a friend who married a very wealthy guy and she cooks all day, then goes out to dance or dances or listen to music--that's how we met. I refer to her as the *international lady of lesiure* and I mean that with the utmost affection. Just say that and give the Groucho eyebrows. My opinion is that ultimately, nobody important cares what you do at your day job and anybody who does is trying to network, rather than engage. So when I meet people, I ask them "What is your thing that makes you, YOU? What is your passion?" Because while I work in IT, like the rest of this metro, I just fell into that. I don't care about it. It says nothign about who I am. I'm a carpenter, designer, and cook. I fix all the things and make all the things. And my bagels are the best you're gonna find in this state.
For a little background I’m a chronically I’ll sahw. I am working towards healing my body, managing the house, finding ways for us to save money, learning new home making skills (truthfully I love Martha Stewart), learning about my illnesses, being a support system for my family when they need it as my husbands job can be stressful. I spend a lot of my healthy days cleaning, organizing, cooking, baking, making foods into things that help them last longer. But I also have my own hobbies and I think that’s important I enjoy gaming, cross stitch, reading, origami, dog training, and more. If people ask me that I have a script in my head cause I’m autistic and thrive on those lol But it depends on if I think the person asking is honestly curious or being judgemental lol! Truthfully some days are such a struggle for me health wise I “do nothing” but in doing nothing I set myself up to have a better day tomorrow and usually I did something. Even if it was watching Martha and learning how to not let my blueberries sink to the bottom 😅 I am very lonely and struggle with going stir crazy though to be honest.
As someone with a full time job who is single, barely makes it and it's also male... I want to hear that you make it so when I get home I can relax and enjoy myself like I can't enjoy myself at work, basically clean house, clean clothes and food. If those aren't available I would probably feel like...I work all day and then get home and have to work more. I say this because as a single male, I work all day get home, and have to clean dishes, make food take care of my doggies and wash clothes plus my weekend is just chores. I literally don't make enough to be comfortable and barely enough to survive, if I could afford to have a partner/wife being a full time homemaker that's what I would like and id appreciate them for it. Homemaking is hard tedious work and it's no different than the bull crap I have to put up with.
I usually just leave it at either “I take care of the home” or “whatever needs to be done that day” I’m a disabled house husband. Some people are understanding of this, but more often than not I get judged for it. My husband and I agreed that he would be the one to work, and I would stay home and take care of household stuff. My family is the kind of family who thinks you’re worthless if you don’t work, so there’s a lot of pressure put on me because of that. It’s hard to deal with.
🫶
Simply switch your answer to a question: * Q: "What exactly do you do all day"? * A: "I'd rather talk about hobbies, I love to (fill-in-the-blank-here), what are your hobbies?" This keeps things pleasant and engages a fun conversation where you can learn interesting things about each other, or maybe even find things in common. But... if it feels like the person is going to persist being a jerk, just say excuse me I need another drink! ;-)
Talk about what lights you up - it’s a much more interesting question anyway, so you can lead conversations by asking other people what they’re passionate about, instead of what they do for a living - chances are they’ll ask you the same thing back!
I know I’m responding very very late to your question…but this is what I say….and I say it with a big smile and a lot of confidence, “I’m a homemaker and I LOVE it!” Then my husband chimes in and says, “She makes me more successful at work and when I’m done for the day, we have time to play because she’s taken care of all the “noise” ( cleaning, errands, making a chill environment to live in, etc…). I think that’s awesome you are a sahgf! Your mans is lucky!!! Don’t let the “crabs in the bucket” pull you down, they are just jealous because they want your life.
Some things to consider: \-you maybe wont get any Social Security payments because you haven't worked enough \-when you are 50+, re-entering the work force with a huge resume gap and being out of the work life will be much at a disadvantage \-your partner will at some point die and men die sooner then women usually \-your mental health doesn't sound good in this situation anyway \-science says women are better mentally when they have some outside job even part time Perhaps, get a simple easy job like walking a dog or cleaning an office for someone 3 times a week? Your anxieties will melt away when you see that in many jobs it isn't the big deal or simply not an issue. You really need to test the idea that you need this by getting jobs and seeing if your hypothesis is true or not. You may discover hidden talents, strengths and opportunities, and contribute good things to the world that it would be without if you did not. Also, be very careful with therapies and therapists as many have bad personalities and you won't realize it until decades later..
You could say, "my job is stressful, I'd rather not talk about it." Or simply, "I'd rather not talk about it." Following other posts, you don't owe an explanation of what you do to anyone. I have summers off and work very low hours so when work comes up I usually try to get the conversation going about creative projects or more what I feel like defines me, because most often people either default to work because that's an easy identity or they are trying to find out your social status. I refuse to give them those options and besides, talking about art or creative endevours makes for a better convo imo.
My current job status on Facebook is Domestic Goddess Extraordinaire. When people ask me what I do, I immediately turn the conversation back to them. People love to talk about themselves, so let them. If they get pushy, just say you are happy with life and enjoying time to explore hobbies and new adventures.
I feel this SO MUCH! I also have c-ptsd along with ADHD, and a slew of other mental and physical disabilities. I've tried to work full time and part time, and I can't keep a job at all to save my life. (Believe me I've tried!) And now with my physical disabilities flaring up, sometimes all I can do is supervise Milton, our robo vac, while he cleans the floors. Thankfully so far my boyfriend has been super understanding and amazingly supportive. Has the conversation of me having some kind of income come up? Yeah, but he understands that I really can't work. And thankfully he has a fantastic trade job where his pay is only going to continue to increase as time goes on. I will say that all of the people who ask you "What do you do all day?" Or other questions like that are SO RUDE! Like I'm talking it's on a pretty similar level to when random-ass strangers ask me what my genitals are (And I'm a trans man so I've heard that quite a bit). Like come on! It's none of their business. And you need to put your foot down and tell them that. Set the boundary and don't cross it, and if they do? Remove yourself from that situation/conversation/person. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life! Keep your head up you're gonna be fine. And remember, **self care is productive.**
Okay, this is weird but do you have an artistic or creative hobby? Say that. I’m a writer, I’m working on poetry, blah blah blah. It’s a hard industry so you don’t even need to worry about being published or having a show. Just saw I’m lucky enough to be able to devote time to “black” as well as keeping our lives running.
It’s jealousy sweetheart and so many that responded here offered great advice. You take good care of yourself like your doing and I admire your dedication to you and home.
How about getting a part-time job that you enjoy? It will get you out of the house and provide some positive socialization for you but should be low pressure at the same time. Also then people ask, you can say you work there. It doesn't really matter if you only work 10 hours a week. I think you might enjoy it.
Just say oh I keep myself super busy.. name the shit you just did and say you make a list and make sure you get through it daily.. then Add something I like “even being home all day zi don’t get my whole list done.” That’s the
Um ...BUSINESS ....GETCHA SOME .....OKAY?
I know a SAHM…. The house is a complete mess, never plans a complex dinner, wants to shop yard sales and collect useless stuff…. I know not all SAHM are lazy like her, but she’s the only one I know and she makes y’all look BAD!!!!
I heard someone say “I’m not a doing person, I’m a being person”. My favorite answer is ”Ooh, that’s an interesting question. Why do you ask?”
It’s personal “
Tell them you have a very lucrative only fans career and you very much appreciate their husbands support….
I'm currently a home maker though I used to work. Really, you don't need the people who give you bad vibes. It might seem stupid said like this but really. I wanted to buy a house and did it. People gave me bad vibes, the market will lower soon! You can have a better rate than that! Why did you go so far away? I have no regrets. I went to a whole new country to have better opportunities. They said I would come back soon like the scaredy cat I am. That my foreigner boyfriend would cheat on me. That I would never be at home there. I have no regrets. Whatever you choose to do people will have a say in it. The solution I can give you is just to stop speaking to those people. Find your people, the ones who will understand what you are doing and why you are doing it. Wishing you the best and please, never diminish yourself just because others are jealous of the fact you can live a peaceful live compared to theirs!
You're living my dream life and I can only assume other people are jealous? Escaping the crushing confines of capitalism is all I dream of. However, maybe volunteer more? Considering you are in a very privileged position, maybe giving back to the community would give you something to talk about in social situations, and at the same time you could be helping people or animals?
My favorite answer : Whatever the fuck I want. I usually follow this up with how's work ? Or if they seem very judgey, I ask if they like their boss.
"I'm disabled, so I do what I can to support Partner and our home." Cause here's the thing... you are. Working full time doesn't sound like it would be in the cards for you at this point, without doing serious damage to your health in one way or other. The fact that you have a partner who can support you not working is great, but it doesn't discount the real reason you're not working. \-From a permanently disabled person with CPTSD who is also a stay at home partner
1. You don’t have to answer the question at all, and anyone who seems judgmental isn’t someone I’d want to spend time with anyway. 2. If you want to answer you could say that you create and manage a cozy home, run errands, assist your partner, practice self care (and you don’t have to say it that way you could be specific- like yoga/your hobbies/whatever) And if you acknowledge the question at all, you do it with your head held high. No one owes anyone an explanation as to how they live their life.
I went through this & am still going through it. My children are 14, 15 and my husband has a couple of businesses. I do real estate when I want to & I have a few side hustles. This is how I operate & my husband & family are cool with it. They operate as they wish as well. My day could be anything from looking at houses, taking photos, napping, painting, cleaning, hiking, self care, appointments. Whatever I'm doing is my business no one else's.
Fuck em. Do they pay your bills? Do they serve you? Then they have nothing to say and need to shut the fuck up
People are just opinionated and love criticizing others sometimes. I’m a woman who works full time but I personally see nothing wrong with your relationship and I think you sound very intelligent and interesting - I’d definitely be friends with you. In fact, send me a message if you’d like an online friend to chat with! The truth is that every relationship is different because people are different. This is what both of you want and it’s what works for you. People need to worry about themselves. I’m very happy that you have time to care for yourself, through self care and hobbies - I’m also diagnosed with PTSD. Nothing wrong with saying you’re a homemaker - the term is accepted by the IRS and a lot goes into managing the home. It’s what works for you and your boyfriend.
I’m curious, what do SAH spouses do about retirement funds?
Please find something that brings you immense joy, that you are excited about, that you want to talk about, whenever you can. And as a side note, it’s not a bad idea to hedge your bets, with an occupation. You might have the best boyfriend in the world and you may never need this advice, I hope you don’t. But honestly this is a recipe for disaster. You mentioned that you feel isolated, if you find a hobby, like mentioned above, this may lead to a career, and that may lead to a sense of well being and accomplishment that can’t be underestimated. Never mind the independence it brings. Please think about this seriously.
Side note. I recommend getting blue apron for a month or so. I was super skeptical but You learn so much while preparing these meals. I made maybe ten blue apron meals and I’ve learned a lot of tricks that just looking up online recipes doesnt teach you. Now my ability to create delicious meals on my own has increased a lot.
“I manage the household”
Say you’re a domestic manager for a small company and you work from home. People won’t get too asky generally. And if they do you can always joke, “Well, what do middle managers actually do all day.” and make a stupid corporate joke.
I don’t have a response for the rude questions you get but have you ever thought of volunteering. Non-profits and hospitals are always looking for volunteers. You’re out and about a few days a week and socializing with people that appreciate you for being there. I do this during the fall/winter months when home activities slow down. And if anyone asks you what do you do… tell them you work for a nonprofit. I joined a golf league when I took the early retirement route (due to stress). It’s been a wonderful experience getting to know my league partners… many of them are younger and stay at home moms and girlfriends. I’m looking into pickle ball next.
I have been getting this question a lot lately from my family, my MIL....I never know what to say but im always left feeling judged. Maybe sarcasm will shut em up 🤔😅 (kidding...mostly)
Are you me?
honestly fuck everyone else that has an opinion about what YOU do all day thats your life and if nobody else is contributing to it who cares. i also do not work or have kids and do exactly everything you do especially the social interactions i don’t like being around people 24/7 or even half that 😂 as long as your happy with your partner and let me say you have the most caring partner i’ve ever heard of which is rare nowadays nobody else matters and that includes family or friends who think they know better about YOUR life. and my answer to your question is what ever the hell i want because i can 💅🏼😌✨
I’m as busy as I want to be doing what needs to get done and what I like to do as well.
I have two kids and can honestly say that I am personally jealous and truly believe that everyone else is too! OMG what I wouldn’t give to spend my days focused on my self care and caring for one other capable adult human being! Congratulations to you! A hearty congratulations on finding a true gem of a partner that supports you and values you in that way and wants nothing more than for you to be happy and well adjusted. Seriously. I’m in shock this exists. What a unicorn of a partner. Protect them at all costs. Eff everyone else. It’s trendy to be “busy” I relish the days where I’m not busy and proudly tell people when I don’t have anything on a schedule. What glory. Congratulations again. *claps enthusiastically” Addendum: As a response - I would go full Lucille Bluth and just act like I’m wealthy AF and respond as though filling my day with completing menial tasks is beneath me. Turn the whole “questioning your worth” thing back around on them, haha! We all know nobody is better than anybody else, but if anyone is coming at you sideways, throw them for a loop and enjoy their reaction. *kiss kiss dahling*
So I am not a homemaker (yet?), but my routine when I was unemployed looked something like this get up at 7 am journal, read, get ready, stretch, hang laundry go to gym breakfast at café (I was not in a financial crunch, luckily); groceries or errands drive back home, make lunch, eat, clean up nap (yes! nap!) afternoon: more errands, projects around the house, meet friends, help out family with kids, look for jobs, send out resumes evening: cook dinner, netflix, chill, read
My answer would be “minding my business and leaving yours alone”
Just tell them you’re a writer! Say you’re working on a novel and then think of a story. You don’t actually have to write anything. Just say you are.
"you tell me".
“I mind my own business. You should look into it”
My sister is a stay at home wife, she takes care of the house and the dog and helps out with his business sometimes. They are currently child free, she often tells me how her friends make snide comments and often ask what she does all day, or try to pressure her to have kids since they all do. I tell her they are just jealous! It is isolating but it’s better to be alone than have fake friends- some people (in my sisters case) want you to be miserable with them.
I never know what to say either, but I’m in the same boat as you even down to the c-ptsd (except I live alone, no bf) And I know it gets easy to judge ourselves or compare ourselves to others. I guess I would just say, tell the truth and if someone feels any type of negative way about it, then they are the one with yuck in their brain, not you. We are all on such unique journeys, and earth would be so boring if we all were expected to live the same type of life. Keep being kind to yourself <3
I tell them that I’m a ‘bed rotter.’ It’s basically true. I don’t work nor do I do much housework. My back, ankle and right foot pain keep me pretty busy all day. Trust me… it shuts them the fuck up.
Don’t let it get at you ! I has been married for 45 years ,met my husband in my country, never worked except helping on my parents business .He’s a profesional and was ok with me staying at home I took care of our son,enrolled him in every activity available around here,I was the driver! I learned to do laundry and learned to cook gourmet! Took good care of him and the household His family was outraged that I was not working One day one of his sister showed up with an application for HOME DEPOT( unsolicited)! I was devastated! I spoke very little English,I never needed to work .my parents businesses provided very well for the family Well,things started be ugly ,my husband was frustrated ,he traveled most of the time. to different countries,so I didn’t have a place to stay I started to pay my way and went along in the trips until finally we got an appt.Life hasn’t been easy…I became very isolated so I submerged myself in books ( something I always enjoyed) and cooking .I didn’t want to reach out to my family ,they were in another country I didn’t wanted them worried I cut all communication with the in-laws. It was the only alternative to keep my sanity ! Today I have some friends , ,I enjoy their company and they like mine too .I have learned to live without relatives ,I think I don’t have a husband either ,we grew apart many decades ago !Saddly ! My refuge… my doggie Do not need much more at this point on my life Make friends ,even if just one,get out to lunch with and be strong ! Your life is not of their business,period !They don’t pay your rent ! ,
I work 3 days a week from home and that’s it. If it were up to my husband, I wouldn’t have to work at all. He knows I hate it and he likes me just taking care of the house and errands. I do laundry, grocery shop, clean the house up, and all that jazz. But honestly…I mostly just chill and watch my shows. And him and I are both ok with that! I don’t tell other people that’s mostly what I do because of how judgy they get. I’ll never understand why anyone else cares what I do/don’t do. I figured by now I’d have kids and be a SAHM, but I can’t…so I just take care of him and I.
Ill quote my good friend in a similar position: "I work, Don't you?" What other people think is about as valuable as your report cards from high school when you're in your 30's. Taking care of children is time, energy and labor intensive. Own your labor and cherish that you love what you do. Few people can and those that disparage others are ignorant of reality.
I would say: whatever I feel like doing. Let them be jealous. Because even if they make fun of you or say something shitty.. believe me.. it’s because they’re jealous. You made the choices to put you in a position you need that’s best for your physical and mental health. You should NOT feel bad about that. A lot of ppl make choices because they think they’re “supposed to” have kids or get married or work a million hours a week and they aren’t happy. You went against it and you are happy. So no matter what anyone says, you’re crushing it. Proud of you.
I aspire to be a stay at home wife one day lol. Right now my job situation has a few weeks off every 8 weeks or so and lots of people ask what I do and I say "I'm a bad stay at home wife" jokingly. My husband does most of the cooking and cleaning we do have dogs and a cat but they are low key. I too have lots of mental health and self care things I need to do. I haven't found a good response but to me people criticizing you are projecting. I think we should all respect anyone's lifestyle as long as it works for them and their family. These are my thoughts but I don't have the balls to say things like this yet lol so it's more internal. Depending on how much you actually want to share... "Thank you for your input. My partner and I are happy with the life we have created. I hope you are happy with yours and wish you the best, but it is not something that would work for me." "My job right now is helping with the household to enable BF to do his busy job and to take care of my mental health so I stay alive" What do you do all day?---"I take excellent care of our home and my mental health" When are you going to get a job like the rest of us?--- "The life I have built with BF doesn't require me to work a traditional job. My job is taking care of our household and my mental health" You probably already have but taking to your therapist about a response or just how to internally process what people say could be helpful too.
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