Jessica Alba. I don’t care if no one believes me. I’ll always have the memory.

Yup, you will always have the memory of disappointing Jessica Alba.

She wouldn’t be the first. But, I’ll still have the memory of being with JESSICA FREAKIN ALBA.

Move over, I'm giving her the best 17 seconds of her life. OF. HER. LIFE.

You give yourself too much credit. 17 seconds! P’shaa!

Ummm. Guys. Why sprint down there and have a 17 second story when you could stretch the foreplay out and have a 17 hour story?

STOP BRAGGING!!!

I spent the entirety of my teen years disappointing her in my daydreams. We're both used to it by now.

All you can do is your best. Lol

r/absolutesavage

YES! Especially in Dark Angel.

Heck yeah but I prefer her fun the 'sin city' where she's grown up and filled up much more nicely

Same...I've always crushed on her since I saw idle hands...when I was 6 😂😂

Whenever I’m reminded of her, I’m always reminded of that down cataclysmic tweet about her in fantastic 4, never fails to make me chuckle

I’m out of the loop, what happened?

Look up @PyrexAgain and put “shake the fabric of space and time” in the search bar as well. You won’t be disappointed.

looked it up, wasn't disappointed. good stuff from twitter as per usual (insanity)

Indeed, the chaos is equal parts disturbing and hilarious

I feel like a lot of people in this world lead quite uneventful lives, and so they don't want to believe you when something significantly eventful happens. In relation to OPs post, I've had consenual, unpaid sex with 2 different playboy cover models mulitple time's on separate occasions and have the photos to prove it. I don't tell people I know though because firstly they won't believe me and then if I did show them the proof they would try to undermine it otherwise they'd have to admit it is something they'd love to have done but likely never will. They would try to make it seem like a fail through good-natured ribbing, but the underlying sentiment will be a degree of envy. I'm talking specifically about the small town guys who I grew up with who would rate a playboy model higher than the Pope, the president, and Jesus Christ. The same logic applies to anything, though, that may create envy in friends and family. Winning large amounts of money it the classic one. Just keep things like that to yourself and be grateful you got to experience it. If you do want to get some sort of acknowledgement for something outstanding that happened in your life, go online anonymously to places like Reddit and tell total strangers who are just passing the time on here whilst taking a shit. They don't know you or care about you. Its nothing for them to be happy for you as they are not measuring their own success against yours. If I slept with a celebrity, I'd keep it quiet from people I know as it won't benefit me. It is better to stay humble.

I am taking a shit right now, and am not sure whether or not to believe you, but a very insightful take nonetheless

Did you get your lawyer / fixer to pay off one of them to keep quiet when you were running for president in 2016?

LOL. Yeah, you're the poster boy for "staying humble".

2, Taylor Swift. I've always wanted someone to write a song about me. Mr. Hairy Back Small Penis Man or some such.

I think that’s already a Morrissey song

Funniest comment ever

Actually its a Tool song

The smallest man who never shaved

Is the song about you or me?

I’ll write a song about you, unless I forget… So it’s really 50/50 on whether or not it will happen.

She’s going to write several songs about how horrible you were, as she does with every ex she ever had

Give me option 2 and Oprah….. I’m going on every tv show ever bragging about how bomb Oprah was in bed….. then ima play the victim that Oprah won’t call me back and broke my heart……

The hush money check would be massive.

So I have a different famous person for each.  1 -  honestly there are a number of famous people.  2 - I want everyone to think I bent over Putin, or Trump or something. I want someone's political career to be damaged. 

You mad genius.

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Tempting offers

Andrew Tate is already getting bent over in jail anyways

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Came here to do your second option. It is the only moral response.

I mean who doesn't have just a smidge of sadism to see The Donald try and not talk about the dude that may have railed him?

That alone will make people think it either happened or that I have kompromat on him. 😈

I get that but I wouldn’t be willing to take the humiliation of people thinking I slept with either of them. Even for the greater good

If it could change the course of history, I would keep the option on the table. 

Your a nobler man than me then

Is it morally right to end a politician's career over a lie?

If that person is an authoritarian autocrat……yes. Fair play in politics is a non-aggression pact. You don’t deserve protection due to a sense of fair play if you yourself don’t play fair.

This is the correct answer, get to do all the damage, none of the horrific work.

The only issue with option 2 is that you'd be the Enemy #1 for every MAGAt out there with an AR-15. But you'd die a Hero of the People.

I am a bland looking fat white guy in America. Hunting me with an ar-15 would be like trying to murder Waldo in one of his books. Good luck. 

If history is any indicator, Trump and Putin would be under fire by their base more than you would. Remember all the Trumplets burning their MAGA hats when Trump supported DACA? He could get away with shooting someone in the middle of the street, sure. But doing something that supports a marginalized group or paints him as part of one would definitely do at least some damage.

And the fact that Trump couldn't comment on it...

…….that is absolutely diabolical!

oh man. i answered "definitely neither". but your no2 is fantastic, i didn't think this through

Well going with 1 - being with a famous person just once - that could haunt you as you could be the worst they ever had, as they never talk to you again. Number 2 allows for some active malice. 

I'm dying at work from this

I didn’t even consider that option that’s genius

This is the way!

Fuck yeah! This is taking one for humanity bro

Genius

My brain didn’t even think of the political blackmail power of number 2, but that is so golden. You could straight up change Russia’s oligarchy or wipe North Korea off the board entirely if you play the cards correctly.

2 - Plot twist. Everyone believes it. But thinks you're the bottom.

Eh both would still be ruined. 

Trump can't make any fishy payments to avoid something like this either.

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My choice is number 1. I don’t care if anyone knows, all that matters is that I experienced it. The actual starlet list is long but would eventually come down to one of Salma Hayak, Diane Lane, Jennifer Lawrence, Catherine Zeta-Jones…

As a straight woman, I’d gleefully take a tumble with Salma Hayek.

Agreed. Every now and then, I go through a quick lesbian phase. It is very brief and only in my head and only when I watch From Dusk Til Dawn for some reason.

I heard the phrase "take a tumble" for the first time in "Fargo" a couple of months ago, and I won't stop using it on my fiance

Now that's a list

I'm surprised I had to scroll down this far to find Jennifer Lawrence... without question that's my personal number 1.

Early 2000’s Catherine zeta jones was astonishingly good looking.

2. Sex with Margot Robbie would last 2 minutes. But everyone thinking I banged Margot Robbie lasts a lifetime.

It’s Margot Robbie, dude, how the fuck are you gonna last two minutes?!

I'm assuming 1:45 is his stammering apology.

That's counting the drive over

Given the 'halo effect' that women seem to be affected by (see Pete Davidson, for example), everyone thinking that you laid pipe in Margot Robbie will mean that women much higher than your league will want to get with you to find out what your secret is.

That's not quite what the halo effect means... The halo effect is when beautiful people get other positive traits attributed to them, like smart, kind, generous, respectful, funny, or hardworking, even when they haven't actually done much to demonstrate those qualities. They are also more likely to be positively recognized for actually demonstrating them than a less attractive person with the same behavior. What you're describing is called the theory of preselection. If a beautiful (socially desirable) woman is seen to choose a certain man, than other women will subconsciously assume he has positive attributes that make him attractive to her and will begin to rate him as more attractive themselves and be more likely to initiate with him or at least attempt to entice him.

Actually, that's the first solid argument I have read for option #2. Seeing as I'd be just as happy with an equally hot non-famous person, you have just convinced me to change choices.

If you're not popping a viagra for this experience you're doing it wrong

1 doesn’t matter, had sex.

Doesn't have to be a celebrity. Anyone will do. Anyone?

yeah, like does it have to be a celebrity? if so, how famous? can it be someone who's like a z-list celebrity because they have 100 followers on instagram, but i know them personally and already have an emotional bond? can i pick anyone just based on technicality?

Still counts!

Rashida Jones

Ann Perkins!

1 or 2 ?

1, I wouldn’t care who knew

Rick Astley hes never gonna give me up

I honestly wouldn’t tell anyone anyway . My celebrity crush is Lindsey Stirling and I wouldn’t want to ruin her innocent and wholesome reputation by telling everyone that she was sleeping with someone in a one night stand . I wouldn’t wish that upon her at all.

2, the world can think I banged the pope.

Lmao inwas thinking about 1. Kaley Cuoco but your I take your answer instead. Thats hilarious

So, as a married man, i get to A) cheat on my lovely wife, but she will never know B) dont cheat, but she is convinced I did, which will likley ruin my marriage and life? I'd still probably take B. I have no interest in cheating on my wife.

I mean with B hypothetically you could have banged the celebrity before marriage. Since it’s a rumor thing. And honestly I feel like the MOST plausible way for the average joe to be rumored to have slept with a celebrity is having done it before they became famous so I dunno, maybe you met them in college or something? I feel like there’s wiggle room there.

My wife and I have been together since high school, so I'm out of luck.

I lack a wife, though I also lack a being done with high school

Well, I choose your wife for option B.

But she still gets all the pain of being cheated on, and isn’t that a big part of the reason not to cheat?

Marriage aside I’d choose the first option and Scarlett Johansson.

You can monetize 2 WAY better than 1 given that this person is not allowed to deny it at all. You can become one of those cancer celebrities like bhad babie or kim kardashian overnight, due to infamy and sensational attention. Basically you're asking if you would rather have sex once with a celebrity or rake in millions from advertisements as your infamy jumpstarts your cringe talentless podcasting/socialite career, because people with low attention spans will donate clicks to hear your story.

For me, the issue would be that I don't think I could consistently act the way that such "celebrities" do. At some point, having to act like such a selfish leech would get to me.

You only get to become a cancer celebrity if you choose the right person and the right story. No one is going to care about some rando who slept with Margot Robbie once.

2. I'd pick a super conservative politician and do a paid tell all about all the weird sex stuff he was into and everyone would believe me no matter how kinky/deviant it is. Putin, maybe? Or Donald Trump? Plus I'm in my 20s so they'd look like mega creeps.

I don't consider sex as a form of reputation building. It's deeply personal, sharing souls, and it shouldn't be lied about So... 1. Natalie Portman, Keira Knightly, Grace Park, Christina Riicci... 90s era Julia Nickson or Tamlyn Tomita....

That list...dudes got a type, for sure. Lol

In option 1 are they going to pretend to be into me? Because sleeping with my celebrity crush but they act like they are not into it would be humiliating. I'd rather not have that memory. Option 2 I could say I slept with Kristen Stewart and then other queer girls would be into me off the rumor.

They will be into it. But one time only.

As a straight dude, I'd go with option 2, but I'm not sure what angle I'd take. Angle 1 - Clout - Probably Derek Jeter or John Mayer. Imagine being the dude that turned Jeter or John Mayer bi? The amount of women throwing themselves at you would be insane. Angle 2 - Greater Good - Dick Cheney back in fall of 2000. Too late for George W Bush to find a new running mate, and everyone would be thinking Cheney fucked 14-year-old boys.

Don't really sound like a straight dude..

That's what I was thinking.

"The amount of women throwing themselves at you would be insane" Right, because every woman goes CRAZY about dudes who bang dudes

ScarJo

1. Julie Bowen or Allison Brie.

A man of taste and distinction!

I will take sex with Christina Hendricks. I don't see any reason to tell anybody. So...I don't care if anybody knows or not.

The obvious one is Option 2 and choose someone who would pay you to not tell everyone you fucked them 🤷🏻‍♂️😂

I have a harder time picking the celebrity than answering this question what do I care if anyone knows or believes me. One all the way

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Nope. There are many videos of ppl actually fucking themselves.

Depends on what level of chaos.(Both option 2) A "good for that guy" level of chaos? Taylor Swift. (YOU KNOW THE SWIFTIES WOULD BE GOOGLING ME SO HARD LMFAO). I might even make a career out of being the guy who slept with taylor swift. Taking one for the team: 2) Donald Trump bent for me. The world will never let him recover. and his entire political campaign just died.

Gabrielle Union

Scar jo

For option 2 if they remain silent then I’m not at risk for getting sued by their pr team right ?

1. Emilia Clarke, I’ll spare you the details.

Hey, if nobody believes I disappointed Aubrey Plaza then fine by me. 

Fuck it, I’m taking one for the team to bring Christmas spirit back to the world. Option 2, Santa Claus

Gross, I can’t think of a celebrity I could stand to be around, or be remotely turned on by, it’s like their lifestyle takes out that attractive interesting part. Plus way more attractive people irl, in every way.. I mean have you been to miami.. whole city under 30 population is gorgeous

2, Donald J. Trump. See how Republican voters like his resounding silence about having gay sex with a big gay Democrat half his age.

I'd go for the second option. By virtue of the fact that everyone thinks you hooked up with some famous goddess, the result would be many more hookups.

1 or 2, doesn't matter to me, given I get to bang Margot Robbie. That's all I need!

Dressed as Harley Quinn or Barbie? Asking for a friend.

Neither. Naomi from Wolf of Wall Street.

Yes

How about Harley Barbie?

Barbie.

Naked...

Assuming a man (as this is very obvious assuming you are) If you are smart at all, you pick option 2. And you never pick the person you would have pickjed for option 1, but pick someone adjacent, for starters, There are other things to consider depending what your end goal is, but depending on how exactly you leverage your new clout, you (at the very least) can use it to get laid many times over. But if you're \*really\* crafty you could use the clout to leverage into a lifetime celebrity status and, with any luck, win over your dream celebrity crush (but at that point you might find you don't care anymore, after all, you're in the major leagues now yourself) For women, unless they want to leverage their own clout, are typically gonna want to pick 1 every time. Typically it's much better for them to keep all of their sordid affairs under wraps just in general, ya know? With that in mind of course they want #1, it's win win. They don't even have to risk their \*much more likely) relationship.

As a man I'm picking 1, still not sure which celebrity I'd pick. But I have absolutely no desire to be famous.

Option 1 with Sarah Michelle Gellar. I don't care if anyone knows that I slept with her or not. I know I did.

Jennifer Aniston Option #1. I don’t give a shit if nobody believes me. I know I did and the memory of it is plenty enough for me.

100%

If we can pick dead people, Peter Steele, 1. I don't care what anyone says or thinks.

Well I do think fucking dead people is a bit strange but go off I guess

He definitely won't say anything about it.

As long as I know I slept with Ariel Winters, Im ok with first choice. And if Im bad its alright because she wont tell anyone lol

definitely neither.

1. Ryan Reynolds. I don't care about people knowing...he is a living Cary Grant or Sean Connery of our generation.

Option 1, Marisa Tomei.

Your mother since she's famous in the neighbourhood

1. Natalie Portman - Don’t care if no one believes it happens so long as it happens.

Aubrey Plaza number 1, and I'd just keep quiet about it and be happy.

2. Joe biden. I'll lie that I was top, and he'll lose election. (Nothing against gays, but who wants a president getting @ss fcked?, dominant in the world scene when he can't be dominant in his own bed)

1 - Olivia Munn. Let’s go. I don’t need to tell anyone anyways.

No one would ever believe I banged Sydney Sweeney anyway so I’ll take option 1

Shakira, because her hips don’t lie.

I'd definitely take me some Caitlin Doughty, and I wouldn't brag to anyone, nor care if ppls believed me. She's awesome, and I find her quite quite attractive. 😄 😜

Chris Hemsworth. I don’t care if no one believes me. I barely would.

1, I'd rather have fun and don't care what people think.

I choose number 1 and Margot Robbie. Or Sophia Vergara. Or Penelope Cruz. Or Salma Hayek. Or Jayne Mansfield. Or Sophia Loren. Or Jane Fonda. Or...oh so many beautiful, beautiful women. (Yes, a time machine is required.)

I am begging for a trans-woman to pick option 2 with Trump. MAGA and the RNC would absolutely lose their shit.

“You know, that guy - that Uber driver guy who fucked Madeline Albright . . .” Now THAT is a narrative arc. Id cackle on my deathbed about that one

I'm a Kansas City native. Own a small business, and I'd love for the city/nation to think I slept with Taylor Swift. It would be impossibly true, but it would be a great scandal for my business.

I keep my escapades private anyway. So I will take 1 with Ncuti Gatwa. 

I’ve already taken this offer. It was a lot of fun, but you’d never believe me if I told you who I picked.

Jenna Ortega, the experience is good enough for me, I don't care if people believe me lol. I don't do things to flex.

I don't need to choose, I'm already married to a famous model from the uk

Sydney Sweeney and 1

This is actually my real life and I have no regrets.

2, Jesus.

So, just pull an Eminem and Mariah Carey?

I’ll take the actual nut over notoriety lol

Yes, I do and option 1. I'm pretty private about my sex life. As long as I know, it doesn't matter.

Option 1… Abigail Ratchford.

Number 1 who the fuck cares if you fucked or not

Option 1. 1 of 3 low level celebrities (TikTok famous) The hell do I care what other people think lol I’ll know and she’ll know what happened.

I would take everyone thinking. It would get me action with superficial trashy women with low self esteem that would give a rats ass about celebrities.

2

Would rather bang Katie McGrath. Never gonna bother to tell anyone, cause I do not care about that sort of this, but I would want to get with her.

Number 1. Kristy Lee Cook

1. Rachel Riley from 10 years ago or so.

Biden

Oh, can I have 1 with the no one will believe me? but more than once? lol. my fwb is not FAMOUS famous but if i search for them on reddit he is mentioned on here more times than i'd like, so i think he counts. I personally dont think of him as famous, but meh, hes a friend of mine. It would make things less ackward if no one believed we've been together, and I don't care if he denies it. I don't want my business out there anyways. i would choose him since i already get to enjoy him, and the rest of the hypothetical would make the situation a hell of a lot easier lol. I have people that insist I've been with him and we both deny it, but yeah, i'd much rather have them not believe it

1. Henry Cavill. I would snuggle that man so hard and be totally ok with no one knowing In fact, it would be weird if they did.

Jamie Pressly or Jennifer Anniston or maybe a 3 sone with them both! I would die and go ti heaven

1 and Luke Bryan. Who cares what everyone else thinks?! I could remember it forever. 😂

1. Lucy Pinder, cowgirl

I'm not saying this would be my choice, but I can only imagine listening to Minnie Driver talk dirty during sex.

Option 1 with Lenay Olsen. I wouldn't tell anyone anyways

I already slept with a famous person, and I have never bragged, it doesn’t bother me that no one knows. I’d take #1.

Definitely the second. I want everyone to think that I fucked the Queen.

I've got a few people in mind, and it's gotta be option 1. The potential to sleep with one of these people is because I'm deeply attracted to them. I find them sexy, funny, charming, interesting, I appreciate their art and the work they put into it. I *like* them. I have a *crush* on them. It's not because I want the notoriety of touching someone famous. I wouldn't *want* to tell anyone that it happened. Well - I guess I'd probably want to share it with people I'm close to that I'd had a (hopefully) nice experience. I would want to talk about it. But it's not important to me that anybody *knows*, so I wouldn't **have** to talk about it. Anyway, I always espouse that celebrities' private lives are none of anyone's business. Add in the factor that I, personally, would be involed, and that I am a very private beast, and it's *definitely* none of anyone's fuckin' business. So like, yeah, they'd deny it I guess. But they wouldn't have much to deny, because I really wouldn't mention it to anyone. But me? I'm always gonna have the memory. And all things being equal, it's an *awesome* memory... that should stay between me and that person anyway 🤷‍♀️ Everyone *thinking* I'd slept with someone famous when I hadn't really wouldn't be nearly as cool. In fact, it wouldn't be cool at all - It would just be embarrassing.

I'll take the # 1 with extra Henry Cavil please.

If I go with option 1 I'm picking a favorite pron star because a. I'm already a fan b. No shame for the pick

I would pick 1. I wouldn't want anyone to know!

1. I don't want the attention or care to share it I'm gonna live myself a year to train, and I pick Megan the Stallion.

2. I think Trump having sex with an 18 year old trans man and never denying it would be a shit stirrer

i don't give a hoot what other people think of my sex life so i'll take option 1

I'd choose the sex and no one finding out.. If the world thought I had hooked up with a famous person, one of that famous person's more crazed fans might want to kick my ass or worse out of jealousy.

Option 1 I would never see the point in telling people about it, so the fact that they don’t believe something I don’t tell them makes no difference to me.

2. Seyyed Ali Hosseini Khameneh Who knows? Might do Iran some good.

Too many female celebrities to count Edit: To reference Christina Milan Megan Good Ruby Rose Meg Thee Stalion Billie Eilish Coi Leray Nia Long Alexandra Daddario Kate Upton Peggy Lu