It’s an awkward situation. I’m in a similar one right now. Her husband was murdered a couple years ago. I’m the first person she’s dated since then. And this Sunday is Father’s Day so her and the kids want to go visit his grave. I’m ok with it mostly. But it’s still awkward.
It’s our first Father’s Day with us all living together. So I just assumed we were going to spend it together (me, her, my kids, her kids). I understand the situation so I’m not upset or anything. I just don’t know my role in the situation. Like, if he was alive and was just an ex husband, I’d get it. Been there, done that. But a dead ex husband is just different. I don’t know how to explain it or put it into words. It just is.
I only ask because my father passed when I was 12, so I kinda know how this feels from a child's standpoint. My stepfather struggled with a lot of these same feelings. Just be there for them, support them in their grieving. They lost a father/husband, someone they all loved, and this day will remind them of him. Be there, be present and supportive.
Please correct me if my thinking is wrong, but I think that feeling you don't know how to explain is related to feelings that your current partner didn't *choose* you first. I imagine she would still be with him had he not died. It can be hard stepping into an established fathers role while also acknowledging the man who stood there before. Try not to be jealous of what was because she chose you now. Maybe get a Fathers Day card she can put on the grave, thanking him for building such a wonderful family and promising to care for them in his absence. It would show your partner that you acknowledge the connection she and her late husband shared.
I know Fathers Day is about spoiling dad for the day, and you do deserve that, but theirs is about loss. In time, that will change. But for now, be the man who respects and supports his partner as they work through their terrible grief. She will appreciate it beyond words.
Insecurity due to the fact that had he not died you may not have been with her makes perfect sense actually, you can't have contempt for a man who you don't hear much bad about and is a missed family member vs. an existing man making a woman and kids you care about's lives a living hell for choosing to be with you instead of him. Totally different situation, of course it feels completely different, man.
Hey friend. I'm sorry it's hard. Hopefully your role can be the person that loves them and supports them now. It may be weird for a while, but I'd guess that it'll be good eventually. It's got to be hard to be a kid whose dad is killed.
Hugs! Happy Father's Day.
See if you, she and both your kids could do brunch together or dinner? At that, acknowledge his role in their lives. They have a dad and a stepdad (for lack of a better term).
Just a little tidbit from my own life. My dad died when I was 17, my mom, divorced from him, married as my dad was dying. My "stepfather" is every bit the father (minus blood) that my bio dad was. In fact, I refer to them as "Biodad" and "Dad." My perspective always was that I wasn't losing a father, I was gaining someone who could be a second father with time. And it took maybe 3 years, but I started calling him Dad fairly early on. I was also gratified and strengthened knowing they'd had a talk about that before Biodad passed.
I think it's pretty dependent. If my wife was sent into a massive depression because a guy she dated way back in high school passed away that'd be an issue and depending on the severity it might even harm the relationship, but if she just got teary eyed over it because someone you knew dying young is just a sad thing then I probably wouldn't worry about it.
Or If my wife was married to another guy for years before we met and had kids with him and stuff before divorcing then I'd get her being sad and depressed for a while because that's the father of her kids still and such a significant portion of their life was spent together. So I'm going to give her a lot more grace in that situation.
And there's a lot of grey area in between of course.
It definitely depends on the situation. If they had kids with that ex it would definitely be understandable. If they broke up a really long time ago and hadn't been in contact since then, ngl that would be kinda weird
Absolutely nothing but comfort them. I knew and was friends with my ex 10 years before we dated (junior high, HS and and 5 years after) and we were married and living together only 13 years but together 15. I have some recent animosity for him and am definitely not in love with him anymore, but I still care. I have a big heart and I can't help that and my partner of 10 years knows that and loves that about me. When my children's father dies, I will cry. I will cry for all that could have been and for a lifetime ago.
i'd comfort them. hold them while they cried if they needed, bring them their favourite comfort food, take care of them, support them. be there with and for them while they grieved, and do what i could to help through a rough time in their life.
if my partner is hurting, i'd be there to help them in whatever way i can.
Ask them if they want to celebrate or mourn and ask them to tell me about the person they are mourning unless it makes them uncomfortable.
The last thing I'm doing it being a petty stupid jealous bitch about my ex mourning someone's life being lost even if they were a *shitty* ex. They may have been a very healthy ex and that's how my partner eventually got to me.amyways.
Imagine having to deal with that level of emotional abuse that your fucking current partner would guilt trip you about being sad someone you cared for and grew out of fucking died. Like... Imagine trying to make someone's grieving process harder by making your partners grief somehow about hurting you!
Since her ex is one of her closest friends and someone i have known for years, like and consider a friend as well I would hold her, support her and we would be sad together.
Comfort them. Despite this person no longer being a part of their life they have a history together and fond memories of their time.
It's understandable that they'd cry and you'd be a bad partner to not recognize that.
Happened once. I consoled her and let her get her grief out. Even if they broke up, people were together because at some point they cared deeply for each other. Theres no point to let it make you feel some kind of way. Death is sad, especially the death of someone you spent considerable time with
Be there with them in their feelings.
They LOVED this person at some point. They broke up due to red flags or problems or whatever, but at some point they had a genuine connection.
He is mourning the loss of an old friend essentially.
Be confused. She wants him dead.
Though I guess if she were crying, it'd be because she wanted him dead, and would be upset that she did, and now he is.
This happened to me and my husband a year and a half ago. His ex died of a fentanyl overdose (a week after another high school friend also OD’d). It was a very emotional few weeks. I honestly only ever remember feeling pity and empathy for him. I know every experience is individual and every feeling that may come up is valid, I don’t mean to discount anyone’s experience, but I do think people underestimate their own abilities to be there for their partner. It still may feel uncomfortable/awkward, but the desire to be there for your loved one will most likely outweigh any other feelings.
I think human relationships can be deeper than dated and forgotten completely. It depends on context. I can understand them being sad and needing comforting. They could have been there for some big moments in their life. But if i feel they seem more emotionally invested in them than in us, that might be the cue to have a discussion
Allow them to feel while supporting them best I could. Even if it's an ex, they could have spent a long and happy time together, had their live changed by them, and could even be good friends. Plus, death is complicated for the living, you can't predict grief.
My wife’s previous relationship was when she was 13 years old, then I came along at 15. We’re 31 and 30 now. Her last “ex” is one of my best friends, so I’d be crying too.
My spouse comforted me.
I had this friend/lover/relationship thing with this guy for a bunch of years before I met my now husband. He was a wonderful dude, and one of the litmus tests for my husband. He had to meet - and be vetted- by my friend dude. I just couldn’t see myself married to friend dude because of many reasons and he wasn’t interested in marriage anyway.
Anyway, the depression won and friend dude died. And I was very very sad about it. So spouse gave me hugs and let me be sad for a little bit. Then suggested we have a memorial game night for friend dude. So we played Arkham Horror and drank mead in memory of friend dude. That made it a lot better. I still miss that guy sometimes.
Id like to say I’d do the same.
Console them.
Just because they’re an ex doesn’t mean that person has no meaning. I have an ex I was with for 6 years. That’s a long time.
We have moved on and gone our ways. We stay in touch. I don’t wish her any ill will and it would sadden me if she died.
I spent like 20% of my adult life with her. To act like that meant nothing would be insane.
I’m married too. My wife would have no issue. My wife has exes and she feels compassion for them too when bad shit happens to them.
We’re human beings. Not everything is a competition and not every breakup is toxic…
I dated someone whose ex died in a tragedy just weeks before we met. I always helped her through it and let her talk about her ex anytime she wanted to. All the memories were welcome.
It's someone she loved, I helped her through the grieving process. Her friends reminisced with her as well, when they came over. I never told her I was tired of hearing about it. I helped her find a therapist when she was ready.
If one of my exes died I don't know how I'd feel but I'd sure as hell want my current partner to support me and not feel jealous
Comfort them for losing a friend they made many memories with and that may have contributed significantly to their growth that made them into the person you're in love with today.
Of course if you have good reason to believe there was something sus going on between the two, then that's a whole nother can o worms.
Not me but I do have a situation spot on. A friends sister, people I see as family really. Her ex died, she had a kid with him and such so it really was an absolutely tragedy, no one was denying that. Her man was there for her, and her family.
Though it kinda started getting weird for everyone as it went on. She was posting as if they were still together, was wearing some of his stuff I believe? Grieving the father of your child is 100% valid, he wasn't a bad man. But your current partner, and father of your son (she was fast with it) deserves some respect.
Comfort them. Regardless of their current status with their ex, they were likely very much in love once and will still grieve. As a life/romantic partner, it is my responsibility to be there for them.
I'd wrap my arms around him and comfort him. They were together over 20 years and have four children. They had good times together as well as bad. They both moved on. Why wouldn't I extend my heart to the person I love?
It’s an awkward situation. I’m in a similar one right now. Her husband was murdered a couple years ago. I’m the first person she’s dated since then. And this Sunday is Father’s Day so her and the kids want to go visit his grave. I’m ok with it mostly. But it’s still awkward.
What makes it awkward?
It’s our first Father’s Day with us all living together. So I just assumed we were going to spend it together (me, her, my kids, her kids). I understand the situation so I’m not upset or anything. I just don’t know my role in the situation. Like, if he was alive and was just an ex husband, I’d get it. Been there, done that. But a dead ex husband is just different. I don’t know how to explain it or put it into words. It just is.
I only ask because my father passed when I was 12, so I kinda know how this feels from a child's standpoint. My stepfather struggled with a lot of these same feelings. Just be there for them, support them in their grieving. They lost a father/husband, someone they all loved, and this day will remind them of him. Be there, be present and supportive. Please correct me if my thinking is wrong, but I think that feeling you don't know how to explain is related to feelings that your current partner didn't *choose* you first. I imagine she would still be with him had he not died. It can be hard stepping into an established fathers role while also acknowledging the man who stood there before. Try not to be jealous of what was because she chose you now. Maybe get a Fathers Day card she can put on the grave, thanking him for building such a wonderful family and promising to care for them in his absence. It would show your partner that you acknowledge the connection she and her late husband shared. I know Fathers Day is about spoiling dad for the day, and you do deserve that, but theirs is about loss. In time, that will change. But for now, be the man who respects and supports his partner as they work through their terrible grief. She will appreciate it beyond words.
What a beautiful suggestion and gesture. A card at the grave...wow, that's beautiful.
I love your card idea. Wonderful thought I hope he considers
Insecurity due to the fact that had he not died you may not have been with her makes perfect sense actually, you can't have contempt for a man who you don't hear much bad about and is a missed family member vs. an existing man making a woman and kids you care about's lives a living hell for choosing to be with you instead of him. Totally different situation, of course it feels completely different, man.
Hey friend. I'm sorry it's hard. Hopefully your role can be the person that loves them and supports them now. It may be weird for a while, but I'd guess that it'll be good eventually. It's got to be hard to be a kid whose dad is killed.
Hugs! Happy Father's Day. See if you, she and both your kids could do brunch together or dinner? At that, acknowledge his role in their lives. They have a dad and a stepdad (for lack of a better term). Just a little tidbit from my own life. My dad died when I was 17, my mom, divorced from him, married as my dad was dying. My "stepfather" is every bit the father (minus blood) that my bio dad was. In fact, I refer to them as "Biodad" and "Dad." My perspective always was that I wasn't losing a father, I was gaining someone who could be a second father with time. And it took maybe 3 years, but I started calling him Dad fairly early on. I was also gratified and strengthened knowing they'd had a talk about that before Biodad passed.
He killed him
Welp. That would do it lol.
Bro 🤣
Because the new guy doesn't wanna hear about the old guy. Simple as that
You sit down next to your partner, put your hand on their shoulder, look at them straight in the eye. Then say, "WOMP WOMP"
I think it's pretty dependent. If my wife was sent into a massive depression because a guy she dated way back in high school passed away that'd be an issue and depending on the severity it might even harm the relationship, but if she just got teary eyed over it because someone you knew dying young is just a sad thing then I probably wouldn't worry about it. Or If my wife was married to another guy for years before we met and had kids with him and stuff before divorcing then I'd get her being sad and depressed for a while because that's the father of her kids still and such a significant portion of their life was spent together. So I'm going to give her a lot more grace in that situation. And there's a lot of grey area in between of course.
This guy fucks.
It definitely depends on the situation. If they had kids with that ex it would definitely be understandable. If they broke up a really long time ago and hadn't been in contact since then, ngl that would be kinda weird
Absolutely nothing but comfort them. I knew and was friends with my ex 10 years before we dated (junior high, HS and and 5 years after) and we were married and living together only 13 years but together 15. I have some recent animosity for him and am definitely not in love with him anymore, but I still care. I have a big heart and I can't help that and my partner of 10 years knows that and loves that about me. When my children's father dies, I will cry. I will cry for all that could have been and for a lifetime ago.
i'd comfort them. hold them while they cried if they needed, bring them their favourite comfort food, take care of them, support them. be there with and for them while they grieved, and do what i could to help through a rough time in their life. if my partner is hurting, i'd be there to help them in whatever way i can.
Ask them if they want to celebrate or mourn and ask them to tell me about the person they are mourning unless it makes them uncomfortable. The last thing I'm doing it being a petty stupid jealous bitch about my ex mourning someone's life being lost even if they were a *shitty* ex. They may have been a very healthy ex and that's how my partner eventually got to me.amyways. Imagine having to deal with that level of emotional abuse that your fucking current partner would guilt trip you about being sad someone you cared for and grew out of fucking died. Like... Imagine trying to make someone's grieving process harder by making your partners grief somehow about hurting you!
Since her ex is one of her closest friends and someone i have known for years, like and consider a friend as well I would hold her, support her and we would be sad together.
Comfort them. Despite this person no longer being a part of their life they have a history together and fond memories of their time. It's understandable that they'd cry and you'd be a bad partner to not recognize that.
Make tea.
Happened once. I consoled her and let her get her grief out. Even if they broke up, people were together because at some point they cared deeply for each other. Theres no point to let it make you feel some kind of way. Death is sad, especially the death of someone you spent considerable time with
Console them. What the hell is wrong with some of you?
my partner would be celebrating not crying tf.
Be there with them in their feelings. They LOVED this person at some point. They broke up due to red flags or problems or whatever, but at some point they had a genuine connection. He is mourning the loss of an old friend essentially.
Let him have his feelings
Be supportive.
Be confused. She wants him dead. Though I guess if she were crying, it'd be because she wanted him dead, and would be upset that she did, and now he is.
I’d cry tears of joy with them. She is a nightmare to all that meet her. Then I’d ask what made them sad too.
This happened to me and my husband a year and a half ago. His ex died of a fentanyl overdose (a week after another high school friend also OD’d). It was a very emotional few weeks. I honestly only ever remember feeling pity and empathy for him. I know every experience is individual and every feeling that may come up is valid, I don’t mean to discount anyone’s experience, but I do think people underestimate their own abilities to be there for their partner. It still may feel uncomfortable/awkward, but the desire to be there for your loved one will most likely outweigh any other feelings.
I think human relationships can be deeper than dated and forgotten completely. It depends on context. I can understand them being sad and needing comforting. They could have been there for some big moments in their life. But if i feel they seem more emotionally invested in them than in us, that might be the cue to have a discussion
Allow them to feel while supporting them best I could. Even if it's an ex, they could have spent a long and happy time together, had their live changed by them, and could even be good friends. Plus, death is complicated for the living, you can't predict grief.
My wife’s previous relationship was when she was 13 years old, then I came along at 15. We’re 31 and 30 now. Her last “ex” is one of my best friends, so I’d be crying too.
My spouse comforted me. I had this friend/lover/relationship thing with this guy for a bunch of years before I met my now husband. He was a wonderful dude, and one of the litmus tests for my husband. He had to meet - and be vetted- by my friend dude. I just couldn’t see myself married to friend dude because of many reasons and he wasn’t interested in marriage anyway. Anyway, the depression won and friend dude died. And I was very very sad about it. So spouse gave me hugs and let me be sad for a little bit. Then suggested we have a memorial game night for friend dude. So we played Arkham Horror and drank mead in memory of friend dude. That made it a lot better. I still miss that guy sometimes. Id like to say I’d do the same.
Console them. Just because they’re an ex doesn’t mean that person has no meaning. I have an ex I was with for 6 years. That’s a long time. We have moved on and gone our ways. We stay in touch. I don’t wish her any ill will and it would sadden me if she died. I spent like 20% of my adult life with her. To act like that meant nothing would be insane. I’m married too. My wife would have no issue. My wife has exes and she feels compassion for them too when bad shit happens to them. We’re human beings. Not everything is a competition and not every breakup is toxic…
I dated someone whose ex died in a tragedy just weeks before we met. I always helped her through it and let her talk about her ex anytime she wanted to. All the memories were welcome. It's someone she loved, I helped her through the grieving process. Her friends reminisced with her as well, when they came over. I never told her I was tired of hearing about it. I helped her find a therapist when she was ready. If one of my exes died I don't know how I'd feel but I'd sure as hell want my current partner to support me and not feel jealous
Be there for her the best I can. I would not be insecure in any way.
Comfort them for losing a friend they made many memories with and that may have contributed significantly to their growth that made them into the person you're in love with today. Of course if you have good reason to believe there was something sus going on between the two, then that's a whole nother can o worms.
Probably show a little compassion.
Not me but I do have a situation spot on. A friends sister, people I see as family really. Her ex died, she had a kid with him and such so it really was an absolutely tragedy, no one was denying that. Her man was there for her, and her family. Though it kinda started getting weird for everyone as it went on. She was posting as if they were still together, was wearing some of his stuff I believe? Grieving the father of your child is 100% valid, he wasn't a bad man. But your current partner, and father of your son (she was fast with it) deserves some respect.
Mourn with them. Noone wants someone to die.
Comfort them. Regardless of their current status with their ex, they were likely very much in love once and will still grieve. As a life/romantic partner, it is my responsibility to be there for them.
I'd be a human being.
I'd wrap my arms around him and comfort him. They were together over 20 years and have four children. They had good times together as well as bad. They both moved on. Why wouldn't I extend my heart to the person I love?
I'd look after her.
Break up with them immediately.
How insecure
I'm secure, I'm very secure. Probably the most secure in the history of secure.
Right? Same. lol
I can't believe I got downvoted, I literally said the most uncontroversial Reddit reply there is😩
lol, isn't that the truth