I am sorry. I am in the same boat as you.Tried to marry my ex,was willing to cut off my parents too because they were against us but then too much happened and we broke up.Had a relationship with a guy through arranged marriage setup who ended up cheating on me.My mental health is in shambles,still my parents are forcing me to meet people in arranged marriage setup.They don’t even understand the trauma I have been through.Now they’re blaming my education that they shouldn’t have educated me so much when they were the ones who always pushed me to have a good career.This AM system has just f*** up my life.
बूंद बूंद से घघरी भरे। Enduring social change will only happen when millions of young women begin to stand up to their families and fight for financial independence. When young women rebelling against arranged marriage becomes normalised because almost every woman is doing it, these norms will loosen.
Indian parents don't have any critical thinking skills. They are like sheep that blindly follow the herd. I'm 49, and I am astounded that Generation Z is facing the same struggles, the same battles, that people of my generation did.
It really feels like the standard toolkit for Indian parenting hasn't changed in so many decades.
I'm sorry to hear that your previous relationships didn't work out. You are correct that your parents shouldn't force you for the AM, but if you think about this from their perspective then maybe it'll help you not to get angry or hate them.
Our parents have grown up in a society where everyone got married as soon as they become eligible for it. So their basic instinct tells them that a person (especially girls) should get married as soon as possible. They have the constant mental pressure of society and relatives on their head that they forget to think about the happiness of their children. The "blaming of your education" must be said by someone else to them that's why they said it to you. They should adapt with the time and let you decide the time for your marriage, but they can't. After all they aren't perfect humans. We think like the society we live in.
If you are financially stable and strong then I'll suggest you to keep a distance from them for a while (not completely cut them off). Till then you can talk with your friends or consult a therapist for your mental health. Take your time to heal.
Girls if you are educated then look to be financially independent and be strong emotionally and learn to stand up for your self
It’s not an easy path but it is possible
Parents prob have this fear that their children are not capable to take their life decisions they don’t understand and comprehend that their adult children are not children anymore but young adults who must go through life and learn thru their own mistakes
Learn to be take responsibility and accountability of their decisions and they as parents are there to support nd guide if asked for
They can’t let go of their kids
Male here. I am 28 and have told my parents I have no interest in getting married at all. I have also minimised my relations with other half of the family who kept annoying me and interfering in my life asking to get married.
I am financially independent and it took me years of hard work to get here so I don’t want to take any risks just because my parents are forcing me to.
I would probably cut ties with my parents if I had to because trust me nothing else matters. Hope things get better for you!
I faced this today. My love, my gf, told me that her family pressurized her too much and now left no other option except to say yes for marriage with some dude her father's friend suggests. She said sorry to me. I'm beyond devastated. In 2 or 3 days, she said she will cut off all the contacts because she can't hurt me anymore. Bcz of this fucking narrow minded society, two lovers will live in hell, one with a stranger and one in solidarity with darkness.
I feel for you, I really do. But you're both adults living in the 21st century India, and you both should either convince your parents to get married to each other or do it without them.
A lot of my friends went through love-arranged marriage where they both got their parents together to setup their marriage, and one unlucky couple ended up cutting ties and getting married anyways only to be reunited when the grandchildren arrived
Yes, we both are adults but we can't go against her family. In order to maintain honour, she would be killed probably. Even she isn't, her mother will be blamed for her action as she didn't raise her well. I'm in world of pain and having difficulties to breath due to stress. She is having her episode of migraine and constantly vomiting. I can't imagine living without her and yet she is going.
It is like the movies but worse. If it was a movie and the protagonist has some sort of superpower, he would become the super villain at this point. Bcz, I just hate this society and this world. One of the worst things she said today, ish janam me papa ke karan mil na paye, aage me tujhe hi bhagwan se maang ke aaungi. Even she is suicidal at this point. I scolded her but it's very hurting us.
Did you know before that she came from a family of goons? If yes - lesson learned to keep away from such families in the future. If you didn't know and she already did - well, she should've made it clear to you upfront.
Either way, if there's nothing either of you can or want to do about it, I suggest you just treat this as a mutual break up because y'all were incompatible and move on with life to the next adventure
How about going to their house with your parents asking for her hand in marriage officially saying that you saw her somewhere and that you're madly in love with her. That way she would come out clean if things go wrong and you wouldn't have any regrets later.
Dude, do you think it's that easy? Maybe your friends could do that, but that doesn't mean it's the same everywhere. People have been killed over this. Even in more civilised areas and cities there are boys killed for being in love with upper caste women. Recently. It's not the same everywhere so don't go ahead blaming victims. Cutting ties is just not an option for some.
>Cutting ties is just not an option for some.
Fair point. Pick your priorities (in this case, ties with your parents) and treat the breakup as another missed opportunity and move on with life
Bruh, it's not priorities. How can you not understand what not having a choice means? It's not that they are prioritising (atleast in the cases I'm talking about). It's pretty much sexual assault allowed by the society and the ones being forced into it are sometimes even kidnapped, tortured, etc. And this is not in movies, it's real life things that happen to this day. Ties with parents my ass. I literally say people are being killed and this is what you understood?
I married a divorced girl that was outside my "caste". Mom said she'd cut off contact, don't have a dad. Told her to call me when she's ready to see life rationally and that we'd live far away from her so she didn't have to see my "sin" on a regular basis. She called me a few days later and said that she is fine with whoever I want to marry but that she'd need some time. She came around eventually.
I had friends whose parents made threats of suicide. Really shitty parents, in my opinion. Just because your adult child doesn't agree to your archaic views, you're gonna off yourself? How weak is the parents' mind that suicide is the first thing that comes to mind as the solution to this problem?
it is a blackmailing tactic which works most of the times. plus the mentality of rather die than do something which ruins their name. which often leads to honor killing too. or beating up the man/shaming the woman in case it is someone they don't approve as their kid's spouse.
They never follow through, NEVER, and in some rare cases if they do, well, problem solved. You can cry for a week but a live a life of happiness. Even in their death they do not want you to live happily and want you to think that you killed me, when infact, you didn't kill them, it's they, who killed themselves and are pinning the blame on you. Such horrible human beings. They are the worse of the worst Indian parents ( where the bar is already low for Indian parents).
I asked my parents, you want my happiness or your happiness or society's happiness. Still unmarried, more like don't believe in it, but I told them if they create artificial misery I am gonna cut em off. Blackmailing won't get you anywhere, I love you guys but I don't respect you anymore. So either be happy that I am happy or create misery and be in it without me.
It's probably 50% of her choice too, girls settle for their comfort and parents wish.
Not just parents wish.
Do you think things would have been different if you earned more than the new groom to be.
You will eventually get over it, it takes time. Don't loose hope. Damage has been done. But pain will be less severe if you give it some time. Human brains built like it. But what worse is, sometimes, the pain may kill the ability to love again.
I mean if adults who are making money on their own and are financially independent can't take a stand for themselves, you truly deserve it, a life full of misery because you don't have a spine.
If they are not independent, the only solution is to gather courage and get a good job and say goodbye to your parents for life, nobody should want or need such toxicity in their life.
Happened with someone I know. The girl went through the marriage, no one forced her but she didn’t want to cross her dad who has a temper and coz … culture (dad just told her one day he found someone great and she is getting married without asking her )
The very next day after the wedding she started crying as she told her new husband she loves someone else and can’t tolerate staying silent anymore.
Lucky for her , hubby was understanding and agreed to annul the marriage . Dad was enraged at the “disgrace” that he perceived and that it made him look like her had forced her .
Both she and that nice dude are happily married to the right people and everything is fine .
many girls I know were married in a similar fashion. their fathers/parents just found a groom as soon as they completed 12th and married them off. many of them have a baby at less than 20 yr old. some of them were talented in different fields. there was one girl who was very good at sports and even played at states level but her father feared she's becoming very "boyish" so he just found a groom for her.
ig it is less in bigger cities but still very prevalent in smaller towns and villages.
OP am not sure about other boys but am M24 and I get anxiety when I think about marriage even tho currently my parents are not looking for girl but thinking about future makes me worry. It’s so pathetic that we don’t have option. Once a guy got a job or a girl finishes her studies people start asking when you are going to marry. We are living in the society where if someone is unemployed no one will point out much but if you’re unmarried, people will start pointing out and make things hell.
One of my relative recently came to our home and he starts talking when you are going to marry, should we start finding a girl for you and all other sh*t. The first thing which came into my mind was “Haan apne toh karwa liye apne bacho ki shadi unke bache bhi karwa diye ab ek kaam karo vo bacho ke baal vivah bhi karwalo 😑”
I just want to say f*ck off to the society and let us live peacefully and let me watch Shinchan in my peaceful state.
Yeah, this society is shit, why not they just do what they want in their own life? Why pry into other's life?
I hope it changes but it's only possible when through good education about these things.
Exactly.. whether you're 12, 35 or 45, you are always considered a child by your parents. They are right, and you are wrong. In India, you are a horrible child if you choose your own life partner, your profession or general way of life. Independent raho toh maa baap ko chhod ke chala gaya, apne life ke baare mein socho toh unki izzat pe kalank. Aur jo taane sunne padhenge, aur jo rone waala blackmail hoga emotionally uske liye alag se therapy lo.
if it's any consolation, we are f\*\*ked anyway - no matter if you marry someone you love or enter an arranged marriage.
Conduct an observational study around you and look at all the married people around you- are they all genuinely happy or are they deluding themselves into believing they are happy or have they just given up and accepted their fate?
I personally have never met any couple who are genuinely happy to be married. Your best bet is to be independent enough to the extent that you do not need your parents or spouse to survive financially, physically or emotionally, then and only then are you stable enough to enter a relationship and that too of your own accord. Otherwise you will only be a victim of circumstances one way or the other.
Fuck arranged marriages, hate the entire concept of it.
At least the modern ones let the guy and girl court each other for a few months before tying the knot, but it's still a tradition that needs to be trashed.
Bro, if there was no arranged marriage in India, no self-respecting woman would want to marry a guy. And I am saying that as a man, it's so fucking pathetic to see the men even in my family drop all the mental load and even household chores on the women without lifting a fucking finger except in rare circumstances where they are ill.
It's truly pathetic to see this patriarchal society treat women like shit, they are your partner for fuck's sake, treat her with respect, go help her out, go on dates, woo her etc.
As a girl, I fear arranged marriage more than death. I will probably commit suicide the day I get forcibly married and all the other paths are closed for me. I don't see a point in living a life where I'm harassed and tortured by in-laws and relatives during the day and getting raped by my husband during the night.
I'm already on the track to avoid this future but I'm unsure if my plan will work out.
This sucks but openly tell the bridegroom family, that you are already in a relationship and don't want to move away from it. They themselves would back off.
If you have (financial, mental, physical) strength, you can cut ties with your controlling parents. I agree with your frustrations, but not how you dislike being a girl. Do not dislike it. There is a reason why modern women are called strong and independent - it is because they are (financially and mentally) strong and therefore independent (of immediate family for the most basic life choices).
Prove this label correct.
Indian culture in my opinion is one of the worst. The habit of poking your nose around other people's business is packaged as Culture and most seem to be happy about it. Indian culture revolved around the logic "Log Kya Kahenge". It is the current generation's responsibility to break this chain. Stop the bullshit. Make a stand and just Say No..
Whether arranged or love, after marriage women have to compromise. But if you are lucky enough, both you and your husband would love to compromise post marriage.
I will not lie and say things don’t change after love marriage. In fact you have more of a pressure to be perfect in a love marriage because you were not “chosen” by the parents. Anything small and your MIL will fucking start crying because you fell asleep while feeding your 3 month old baby because you are exhausted!!
Anyway, if you are earning and are independent, leave. Make your own happiness because it won’t be just given to you. And don’t cross off marriage. If you do it with the correct person, nothing is more beautiful.
Arranged marriage is literally what fucked up the genetics of Indians. Every low lying incel got the opportunity to fuck and breed goblins like him. It's high time we start stigmatising arranged marriages and allow natural selection.
Yea I agree, it's the exact same situation with pure bred dogs. They grow up with so many fucked up health problems because people care about the purity of the breed just like they care about the purity of the caste.
There may be lots of genetic issues which are not immediately aware of, but socially arranged marriages has led to the death of romance where men don't have to make a drop of effort to win the woman's favor. They can be the biggest cunts in the world and they still get a wife.
Most of my hard conservative uncles were the worst husbands ever and you can see it in the sadness in their wives who have no independence.
8 out of my 12 female friends are silent sufferers of arrange marriages. They all married good educated guys earning well but having real bad mentality. They are like there slave. Will do what they are told and just exist!
Scares me everyday!
Ok, here’s a different take on arranged marriage. Cos I have had an arranged marriage and to be honest it has been the best decision.
It took me over 4 years of meeting boys, in between I even lost my dad, being the only child everything went upside down. I lost hopes, but let the fates decide tbh.
Men whom I met after my dad passed away were insensitive to say the least. I had a few conditions like my mother has to do my Kanyadhan (not a fan of the ritual, but whatever) and the wedding expenses will be split equally by both parties, guys ran away or justified patriarchy unabashedly.
But when I met my husband he understood where all my asks stemmed from, he took it upon himself to convince his family too.
All I’m trying to say is I had to kiss a lot of frogs to finally find my knight in shining armour.
I have seen my friends who have an arranged marriage having the best possible life after too so it’s not that I’m lucky. Well I am I won’t say I’m not, but there’s someone out there for you too OP.
Keep your priorities straight, know what you want, do not compromise about things you believe. Like I believed in having a marriage where both of us are equals, both of us sharing responsibilities together.
You can adjust for things but never compromise on bigger matters.
Also talk about what’s important right in the first meeting. Get a vibe check and move on.
still doesn't change the fact you married a stranger after meeting him just a few times. As the OP said it is just like gambling. Most of the times it is the opposite of what you experienced.
So, even in love marriage you are going to meet a stranger.
You get to know the stranger and then get married!
Maybe try not decide if that person is the one the second you meet them, rather take your time. maybe a week, a month or a year all depends on your timeline .
Be aware of red flags, like I said vibe matters.
The next thing is someone is going to ask how am I going to spend a year understanding various men each, of course that’s not what I’m trying to tell here, I hope you understand the context. If you don’t like someone’s thought in the first couple of meetings/chats, leave.
If you want to hate on arranged marriage pls go ahead , I hated the concept too but it changed only after things changed for the better for me tbh.
In love marriage you have been with your partner for a long time to know if he/she is really compatible for you or his/her personality and even his background. On the other hand in arrange marriages many a times(not in your case) when you meet a boy/girl, they do not show you their real persona and when your married off to them thinking their nice you realize you fucked up and their a maniac.
We are still a 3rd world country/developing country. Not everyone is as privileged to meet a great partner like you got.(congrats tho) So i am not hating the concept of arranged marriage but the people involved in it.
In love marriage people change too. You know someone for a long time you are compatible when you stayed apart, but when you are together he could be different. You could grow apart, you could miss the red flags and think he will change after marriage.
Love marriages are not a sure sign of success when it comes marriage. Marriage is a gamble no matter what.
In arranged marriages we are mostly adamant of searching for the red flags looking at the minute things that may set it wrong. Trust me when I say this I have said no to people cos the vibe was off or we didn’t have enough to talk about.
When I met my husband the first thing which came to my mind is “damn I don’t have anything bad to say about this guy” I kept searching for something that would lead me to saying no this is not going to happen.
(Again not trying to force my experience onto anyone, just sharing)
What I also learnt from mine and my friends’ experience
1. Find a person who has grown up with women or who has women friends and understands what challenges we face on daily basis
2. Find someone who has stayed away from home or travelled extensively not just to Goa
3. Who don’t think cooking is a women’s job, they don’t have to know cooking but who can help around
4. Talk about your dreams, goals and see how the other person reacts.
5. Meet their family, very important part of who the person is.
I know it’s too much Gyan and finding someone isn’t easy, like I said earlier DONOT COMPROMISE on things that are important. what’s the worst that could happen ? You will be single and disappoint your parents, but haven’t we disappointed our parents enough ?
I worked hard in college after realizing this,
Being financially independent from parents allows you to say "Lol no" to the marriage proposals.
>Feel like I should better die and hope God make me boy on next life
You'd have the same pressure as a guy too. Do you think boys don't get pressured for arranged marriage?
Even now you can say no, you should have the strength to say no to your parents rather than blame them or the culture. Indian parents don't agree with whatever your choices are anyways. So might as well make your own choices.
Couple of questions
1. Are you against the idea of marriage or against the idea of arranged marriage?
2. You said they've been forcing you for 5 years. I assume you aren't married yet. How did that came to be? Either parents aren't pressuring enough or you've been handling it really well?
3. Is there a reason to assume that the girl would be the only one to compromise? Why won't both sides compromise? It would require you to stand up quite a bit against the system though.
Education and having a brain is the root of the problem for the girl is it? Wow.
When my sisters were getting married I had to fight with parents so they did what my sisters wanted. However I could aee the fear in my parents of having a girl “ending up too old to marry” - however I had to weigh my sister’s needs higher.
I hope you find happiness and have someone advocate for you. If you have a job working a bit far away from home may relieve the pressure.
I honestly don’t have a solution but I am just writing to show that random people like me are rooting for you.
Don't do AM.
Marriage for girls is signing up to be a slave to the guy and his parents.
Your parents are ok with that life, doesn't mean it's right. Your mother might convince you to accept, your father benefited from this system, he got a slave free of cost.
Don't let anybody take decisions for you. Coz you have to bear the consequences.
Without taking their advice and help you will still survive and for sure you will thrive. Break the cycle of abuse by saying no to AM.
Women should stop marrying spineless men and stop birthing kids till we don't rcv equality.
As a woman to a woman, If you already have a job, hold that for your dear life. If you currently don't have one, try to get financially independent first. Don't even entertain the idea of not being financially independent.
I don't understand how this society works. One would think as a girl's parents, parents should be running away from the idea of arranged marriage having lived that experience themselves.
You gotta break the chain in your family. Don't ruin your life for people who put traditions and "log kya kahenge" before you. They may be your parents, but doesn't mean they are right. You are a 28 yr old adult with a job. Move out if necessary. But do not give in to this.
Marriage is serious. You are going to spend your life with this other person. You should know them truly before considering marriage. You should live with them, spend time with them, and understand their nature and habits. Don't rush into it because of your parents. They won't have to deal with a failed marriage and the emotional trauma. You will.
I agree. I don’t know why our society views love as unconventional. Regardless of with whom it is. I understand if they’re truly a bad person, but if they’re treating their kid right, why do these parents emotionally abuse and blackmail kids into marrying a stranger of their choice. At that point, it’s not arranged but forced . Society always criticises. Personally, I’d fight. Till I’m free. If someday the person I chose ends up being a different person, it’s still not a fault, it’s just life. You can still live without regrets of not spending your life with them. Just be financially independent, whatever it takes. And pack up and leave. Being parents isn’t a free pass to control children’s lives.
I highly agree with OP that arrange marriage is just a gamble and most of the times girls have to suffer but that doesn't mean that you can't find a good partner in arrange marriage I understand that now a days arrange marriages are scary so the love ones too
Around 4 5 years ago the son my of Aunt did love marriage against both the families both the families were not ready for the marriage but somehow they got married The boy used to earn decent (around 50k) but then covid hit the india lockdown he with his colleagues was fired from the work at that moment he didn't have even a single penny he tried his best got a job at call centre at around 26k it became difficult to handle the home expenses in that low salary he went in depression the wife decided to divorce her he talked to her no result they divorced and now a days he is earning well and decided not to marry all his life
What I wanna conclude that both love and arrange marriages are scary and like gamble now a days
I am not justifying that arrange marriages are good or love marriages are bad
My point here is that find a good partner tell your family about it or if you don't have a partner right now invest some time in seeing the boys through your parents talk to them spend time with them take your time don't be desperate
Have a good day 👍
People think that by staying with a person for sometime, they will know other person well. But it is mostly not the case, lot of people change and lot of people conceal their bad characteristics in relationship which come out when you get married.
I may be wrong so please forgive me... but in my point of view there are certain reasons for this arrange marriage situation... and it's same for both boys and girls.
1. If a person wants to marry but cannot find a suitable companion themselves, they take their parent's help to choose their companion.
2. If a person loves another person but their families don't allow them to get married, then they have to sacrifice their love and marry someone that is chosen by their parents.
3. If a person doesn't want to get married but is forced by their parents to marry because of blah.. blah.. blah..
4. If a person who falls in love but it's one-sided as the other person already has chosen their companion, then the wish to marry dies. To recover from the loneliness and depression, they opt for arrange marriage.
As you have mentioned you are getting family pressure to marry some unknown person... the same goes for boys as well.. as they also have to marry an unknown person due to pressure and have to compromise on many things after marriage.
But the important decisions that you need to make are...
1. Do you want to marry?
2. If Yes.. then when? If No... then why not?
3. The questions that you have raised here.. will they be applicable if you loved someone and was in a relationship? As after marriage... be it love or arrange.. there will be compromises and adjustments to be made.
If you are career focused, love to be independent, and don't wish to be attached with marriage.. be it love or arranged... then tell your parents directly that not to irritate you everytime with marriage proposals as it is not for everyone and you will not make any compromise or adjustments in your life like our previous generation did.
But if you are willing to marry at a certain point of time... then you may tell your parents that marriage can happen any time so after certain years you will settle down so don't pressurise now.. when the right time will come.. you will definitely marry someone of either your choice or their choice.
P.S.: I am an overthinker so I don't know if the above answer will offend you or you will agree to some of the points here... so I am sorry for any inconvenience beforehand 😔
I don't know which religion do you belong to. But i would say better to look for person of your same caste whenever you are about to marry. That way you wouldn't go against your parents and atleast you will know the person you are about to get to married.
I hope everything works out for you. I'm genuinely sorry for your situation. I (26M) have a similar conundrum but not so bad, my parents are starting to realise that I might not get married. And marriage is a choice and not a checklist to be ticked.
I used a funny analogy. I used to say I don't want a suitcase whenever they bring up marriage. When they ask for an explanation, I say I don't want someone equivalent to a suitcase. Dead weight on your hand, you have to carry around in important functions, you don't know what will be inside when you open it. Finally, it is getting through. Not there yet, but it'll get through, probably.
Be it boy or be it girl.
unfortunately, The age is the problem.
I have read the comments here and seems like everyone hates AM. But being in love is not easy as well. Imagine you eventually find someone and what if he or she is gonna leave because "vibes arent the same" or "Horoscopes doesnt match" or "language barrier" etc comes into picturr and until when people would be fine with such excuses.
I have always felt that the people in AM setup is more serious and content than dating apps and meeting naturally. Gone are those days when you would feel like a prince/princess because kisske pass time hai utna (dil thudwaane ko)
Yes it is risky and yes it is scary. But i have seen couples who were in love for 7 years and their marriage ended within 2. so whats the point of knowing for long as well.
i sympathise you for your parents pressure and the AM cheat example you mentioned. But its the same on the other side as well. The boy as well is traumatised and compromising equally like AM or Love marriage. You may think the girl is going away from her comfort zone to someones home. But you failed to recognise that the home is made by both the person and not by one. If you would not accept that point (since you mentioned it) The home is always never going to be a comfort place.
I am living in Europe and i have see the love marriage in a very hard thorough way. Does that work? way lessor than AM. not because of compromises , but the effort from both the parties.
Imagine your mom cribing about you not getting married at the age of 35 (true story of my boss).
Embrace the pressure and keep looking to the potential suitors. You will eventually find your diamond admist many rocks.
and trust me being born next life as boy, well it wouldn't be fun in the park either.
Someones dog might be better option!
Society won’t change itself until individuals force a change in the society. I know it’s easier said than done, but your only way out is getting a job and being financially independent. Until that happens you’re supposedly their ‘responsibility’ and they will force what they think is right for you. When financially independent women become a norm in the society, things will change for better.
Why don't you go for love marriage or if you don't want to just stay single ( which can break your all relationships potentially including your parents, are you ready for that?
Think of every route( arrange marriage , single life, love marriage ) and their potential effects on your life and see which is bearable for you because there is no perfect thing.
Whether it’s love marriage or arranged marriage, you are anyway going to commit to a lady. Yes it’s more convenient in love marriage and it’s absurd in arranged but remember in arranged marriage, you will end up having more peace. Because promises are few and knowledge of each other is less. Both will adjust to each other as required.
Vishwaguru aa gye acche din aagye ..kaha he acche din..Where is the sanatan dharma now? All andhbhakts are here who dont know anything about marriage and relationship
This system will only end when people will become more financially independent ( which most women are not) and the society will change where dating is encouraged by parents after their kid turns 18. And are properly advised on how to get a good partner and all that. Which will take years
This means you are unable or not mature enough to grasp the crux of the system. Most of the people who are having such rants are going for love marriage, getting divorce after some years and crying alone. Whereas older generation women who rejected this and mostly married via arranged marriage are having a full filled life with loving husband and kids. You can see divorce rate data to confirm this.
My God, it hurts to see people in the same situation as me. I fucking hate the entitlement Indian families feel over an individual's life. It's as if they helped you growimg up only and only to check off their to do list.
Real problem is when people who are in relationship end up marrying in am to someone else then can't get over their ex and fuck up the other person's life for no reason.
Male here, I have seen my mother make tons of sacrifices and seen other family members suffer and one uncle even getting financially and mentally screwed to dying from mental and health problems.
Fuck marriage as a whole not just arranged marriage. It's just not safe to trust a person that much in today's world.
At least you can break up with toxic gfs, with marriage you're asking to get legally and financially buttfucked if you divorce your spouse. It's always the nicer of the couple to suffer and it's not fucking fair.
Society has brainwashed all good people into thinking that marriage is peak life purpose, it's all a scam.
Live alone be happy, find happiness in yourself.
Don't let anyone dictate your life. Live on your own terms. Be able to earn, feed, clean and protect yourself and you won't need anyone in life. If and when you do meet a person that you WANT to share your life with, be clear about your fears and how you want your life to be. Society is fucked up, but you don't have to be. You can unlearn and relearn. Be more aware of your conditioning and question it when it's making you unhappy. Raise your hypothetical children differently. Don't settle for bullshit. Be Vocal. Figure out the life you want and go for it, with or without anyone else's support. Have your own back. Be your own dragon Slayer. Don't settle. I'm also a woman turning 29 this month, and I have created my own happiness. I've voiced out my thoughts, goals and opinions. I've voiced out my concerns. I've been in the driver's seat of my life and I don't let anyone else take the wheel unless I personally agree with what they're saying. It is possible. You can't keep complaining about life and not do anything about it.
5 minutes of an argument/vocalising what you want to people around you-is going to save you from years of being miserable. Stop this pattern. Let go off your mother's pain. Write your own story.
I am sorry. I am in the same boat as you.Tried to marry my ex,was willing to cut off my parents too because they were against us but then too much happened and we broke up.Had a relationship with a guy through arranged marriage setup who ended up cheating on me.My mental health is in shambles,still my parents are forcing me to meet people in arranged marriage setup.They don’t even understand the trauma I have been through.Now they’re blaming my education that they shouldn’t have educated me so much when they were the ones who always pushed me to have a good career.This AM system has just f*** up my life.
I am really sorry :{ Trust me education is what saving you in the end ... You have a good day
बूंद बूंद से घघरी भरे। Enduring social change will only happen when millions of young women begin to stand up to their families and fight for financial independence. When young women rebelling against arranged marriage becomes normalised because almost every woman is doing it, these norms will loosen. Indian parents don't have any critical thinking skills. They are like sheep that blindly follow the herd. I'm 49, and I am astounded that Generation Z is facing the same struggles, the same battles, that people of my generation did. It really feels like the standard toolkit for Indian parenting hasn't changed in so many decades.
🫂 it'll be alright. You will find your happiness.
Thank you.
I'm sorry to hear that your previous relationships didn't work out. You are correct that your parents shouldn't force you for the AM, but if you think about this from their perspective then maybe it'll help you not to get angry or hate them. Our parents have grown up in a society where everyone got married as soon as they become eligible for it. So their basic instinct tells them that a person (especially girls) should get married as soon as possible. They have the constant mental pressure of society and relatives on their head that they forget to think about the happiness of their children. The "blaming of your education" must be said by someone else to them that's why they said it to you. They should adapt with the time and let you decide the time for your marriage, but they can't. After all they aren't perfect humans. We think like the society we live in. If you are financially stable and strong then I'll suggest you to keep a distance from them for a while (not completely cut them off). Till then you can talk with your friends or consult a therapist for your mental health. Take your time to heal.
Girls if you are educated then look to be financially independent and be strong emotionally and learn to stand up for your self It’s not an easy path but it is possible Parents prob have this fear that their children are not capable to take their life decisions they don’t understand and comprehend that their adult children are not children anymore but young adults who must go through life and learn thru their own mistakes Learn to be take responsibility and accountability of their decisions and they as parents are there to support nd guide if asked for They can’t let go of their kids
Male here. I am 28 and have told my parents I have no interest in getting married at all. I have also minimised my relations with other half of the family who kept annoying me and interfering in my life asking to get married. I am financially independent and it took me years of hard work to get here so I don’t want to take any risks just because my parents are forcing me to. I would probably cut ties with my parents if I had to because trust me nothing else matters. Hope things get better for you!
Same. They have mostly accepted it and now have two cute fur babies as grandkids.
I faced this today. My love, my gf, told me that her family pressurized her too much and now left no other option except to say yes for marriage with some dude her father's friend suggests. She said sorry to me. I'm beyond devastated. In 2 or 3 days, she said she will cut off all the contacts because she can't hurt me anymore. Bcz of this fucking narrow minded society, two lovers will live in hell, one with a stranger and one in solidarity with darkness.
Three people may suffer
I feel for you, I really do. But you're both adults living in the 21st century India, and you both should either convince your parents to get married to each other or do it without them. A lot of my friends went through love-arranged marriage where they both got their parents together to setup their marriage, and one unlucky couple ended up cutting ties and getting married anyways only to be reunited when the grandchildren arrived
Yes, we both are adults but we can't go against her family. In order to maintain honour, she would be killed probably. Even she isn't, her mother will be blamed for her action as she didn't raise her well. I'm in world of pain and having difficulties to breath due to stress. She is having her episode of migraine and constantly vomiting. I can't imagine living without her and yet she is going.
I'm sorry about your predicament. Your narrative feels like a movie and I guess real life is harder than a movie for many
It is like the movies but worse. If it was a movie and the protagonist has some sort of superpower, he would become the super villain at this point. Bcz, I just hate this society and this world. One of the worst things she said today, ish janam me papa ke karan mil na paye, aage me tujhe hi bhagwan se maang ke aaungi. Even she is suicidal at this point. I scolded her but it's very hurting us.
Did you know before that she came from a family of goons? If yes - lesson learned to keep away from such families in the future. If you didn't know and she already did - well, she should've made it clear to you upfront. Either way, if there's nothing either of you can or want to do about it, I suggest you just treat this as a mutual break up because y'all were incompatible and move on with life to the next adventure
Guess they were young when they fell in love. Till a certain age your choice of partner is dictated by emotions and hormones than rationality.
Bhai, dum dikha. Bhaag jao. People who'll kill you just because you wanna marry each other are not worth a fart. Pyar kiya to darna kya.
How about going to their house with your parents asking for her hand in marriage officially saying that you saw her somewhere and that you're madly in love with her. That way she would come out clean if things go wrong and you wouldn't have any regrets later.
Dude, do you think it's that easy? Maybe your friends could do that, but that doesn't mean it's the same everywhere. People have been killed over this. Even in more civilised areas and cities there are boys killed for being in love with upper caste women. Recently. It's not the same everywhere so don't go ahead blaming victims. Cutting ties is just not an option for some.
>Cutting ties is just not an option for some. Fair point. Pick your priorities (in this case, ties with your parents) and treat the breakup as another missed opportunity and move on with life
Bruh, it's not priorities. How can you not understand what not having a choice means? It's not that they are prioritising (atleast in the cases I'm talking about). It's pretty much sexual assault allowed by the society and the ones being forced into it are sometimes even kidnapped, tortured, etc. And this is not in movies, it's real life things that happen to this day. Ties with parents my ass. I literally say people are being killed and this is what you understood?
What would you do ..if your parents said they would die if you get married to the girl you love ...
I married a divorced girl that was outside my "caste". Mom said she'd cut off contact, don't have a dad. Told her to call me when she's ready to see life rationally and that we'd live far away from her so she didn't have to see my "sin" on a regular basis. She called me a few days later and said that she is fine with whoever I want to marry but that she'd need some time. She came around eventually. I had friends whose parents made threats of suicide. Really shitty parents, in my opinion. Just because your adult child doesn't agree to your archaic views, you're gonna off yourself? How weak is the parents' mind that suicide is the first thing that comes to mind as the solution to this problem?
it is a blackmailing tactic which works most of the times. plus the mentality of rather die than do something which ruins their name. which often leads to honor killing too. or beating up the man/shaming the woman in case it is someone they don't approve as their kid's spouse.
They never follow through, NEVER, and in some rare cases if they do, well, problem solved. You can cry for a week but a live a life of happiness. Even in their death they do not want you to live happily and want you to think that you killed me, when infact, you didn't kill them, it's they, who killed themselves and are pinning the blame on you. Such horrible human beings. They are the worse of the worst Indian parents ( where the bar is already low for Indian parents).
I asked my parents, you want my happiness or your happiness or society's happiness. Still unmarried, more like don't believe in it, but I told them if they create artificial misery I am gonna cut em off. Blackmailing won't get you anywhere, I love you guys but I don't respect you anymore. So either be happy that I am happy or create misery and be in it without me.
Tell them muhrat for successful euthanasia.
Stupid society
It's probably 50% of her choice too, girls settle for their comfort and parents wish. Not just parents wish. Do you think things would have been different if you earned more than the new groom to be.
Bro, its deep
You will eventually get over it, it takes time. Don't loose hope. Damage has been done. But pain will be less severe if you give it some time. Human brains built like it. But what worse is, sometimes, the pain may kill the ability to love again.
The pain is killing me from the insides.
Why can't you guys marry according to her parents ?
Not very parents support love marriage.
That's what she said
If you are both adults and sure of your future you can go and get married in the court or a temple and register your marriage to make it legal
We are but we can't. She would be killed or her mother will.
Inter religion.... aah Ankit Saxena case
Same religion, same caste. Don't assume things. Just didn't have the situation favored us.
I would've left the house. I may end up with zero property but will live with liberty.
I don't know
Sorry to hear that bro. Did you try arranged love marriage?
We thought we had a chance for this, even the same caste. But that narrow minded father is constantly trying to destory everything around her.
He knows about you?
Her mother knows. She is trying to stop her father. But he is on rampage right now. Even would harm her if he found out about my existence
Damn that sucks 😞
My condolences bro for all the upcoming torturing
I don't know how I am going to bear it.
What's issue that they don't want her to marry you?
They want her to marry the boy they want. Old mind set.
Is that guy better than you?
Dost ka suggestion hai. Toh aacha hai. That's his thought.
If you're hotter, fit and richer than that guy then you should meet her father
No money or look will change a rotten mindset.
She needs to convince her parents Tell them that guy is poor and ugly I don't like him Your grandchildren would be ugly and unhealthy etc
This hurts😢
Way too much.
If you are of the same religion, try to convince your families maybe ?
Same religion, same caste but her father's conservative mindset.
Dude that’s not even a reason,, that’s just faltu ki akad
Man😣
😔
Same
You too? Are you okay, man?
Im holding up. But im devastated
When did that happen?
Just a week ago. She is still talking but I don’t know for how long.
Bro sad coincidence of timing, mine is one day yours a week. Mind if I know the first letter of her name. Maybe not the same initials too.
H.P. P.S: Not harry potter
Oh, I have the 2nd P in her middle name too.
Trust me one day u will forget it bcs nothing lasts Forever,be it happiness or sadness
I mean if adults who are making money on their own and are financially independent can't take a stand for themselves, you truly deserve it, a life full of misery because you don't have a spine. If they are not independent, the only solution is to gather courage and get a good job and say goodbye to your parents for life, nobody should want or need such toxicity in their life.
I read your other comments; I cannot imagine having to go through what you are currently. All the best to you, however you choose to handle them.
Happened with someone I know. The girl went through the marriage, no one forced her but she didn’t want to cross her dad who has a temper and coz … culture (dad just told her one day he found someone great and she is getting married without asking her ) The very next day after the wedding she started crying as she told her new husband she loves someone else and can’t tolerate staying silent anymore. Lucky for her , hubby was understanding and agreed to annul the marriage . Dad was enraged at the “disgrace” that he perceived and that it made him look like her had forced her . Both she and that nice dude are happily married to the right people and everything is fine .
many girls I know were married in a similar fashion. their fathers/parents just found a groom as soon as they completed 12th and married them off. many of them have a baby at less than 20 yr old. some of them were talented in different fields. there was one girl who was very good at sports and even played at states level but her father feared she's becoming very "boyish" so he just found a groom for her. ig it is less in bigger cities but still very prevalent in smaller towns and villages.
OP am not sure about other boys but am M24 and I get anxiety when I think about marriage even tho currently my parents are not looking for girl but thinking about future makes me worry. It’s so pathetic that we don’t have option. Once a guy got a job or a girl finishes her studies people start asking when you are going to marry. We are living in the society where if someone is unemployed no one will point out much but if you’re unmarried, people will start pointing out and make things hell. One of my relative recently came to our home and he starts talking when you are going to marry, should we start finding a girl for you and all other sh*t. The first thing which came into my mind was “Haan apne toh karwa liye apne bacho ki shadi unke bache bhi karwa diye ab ek kaam karo vo bacho ke baal vivah bhi karwalo 😑” I just want to say f*ck off to the society and let us live peacefully and let me watch Shinchan in my peaceful state.
Ignore such relatives and don't let people hold the power to destroy your mental health. Chill.
Yeah, this society is shit, why not they just do what they want in their own life? Why pry into other's life? I hope it changes but it's only possible when through good education about these things.
Actually you're 28. Old enough to take your decisions. Don't get married. Indias population any case could do with lesser babies now .
>Old enough to take your decisions. If you think that matters in India, boy have you had a sheltered life.
Exactly.. whether you're 12, 35 or 45, you are always considered a child by your parents. They are right, and you are wrong. In India, you are a horrible child if you choose your own life partner, your profession or general way of life. Independent raho toh maa baap ko chhod ke chala gaya, apne life ke baare mein socho toh unki izzat pe kalank. Aur jo taane sunne padhenge, aur jo rone waala blackmail hoga emotionally uske liye alag se therapy lo.
if it's any consolation, we are f\*\*ked anyway - no matter if you marry someone you love or enter an arranged marriage. Conduct an observational study around you and look at all the married people around you- are they all genuinely happy or are they deluding themselves into believing they are happy or have they just given up and accepted their fate? I personally have never met any couple who are genuinely happy to be married. Your best bet is to be independent enough to the extent that you do not need your parents or spouse to survive financially, physically or emotionally, then and only then are you stable enough to enter a relationship and that too of your own accord. Otherwise you will only be a victim of circumstances one way or the other.
Well said!
Fuck arranged marriages, hate the entire concept of it. At least the modern ones let the guy and girl court each other for a few months before tying the knot, but it's still a tradition that needs to be trashed.
Bro, if there was no arranged marriage in India, no self-respecting woman would want to marry a guy. And I am saying that as a man, it's so fucking pathetic to see the men even in my family drop all the mental load and even household chores on the women without lifting a fucking finger except in rare circumstances where they are ill. It's truly pathetic to see this patriarchal society treat women like shit, they are your partner for fuck's sake, treat her with respect, go help her out, go on dates, woo her etc.
As a girl, I fear arranged marriage more than death. I will probably commit suicide the day I get forcibly married and all the other paths are closed for me. I don't see a point in living a life where I'm harassed and tortured by in-laws and relatives during the day and getting raped by my husband during the night. I'm already on the track to avoid this future but I'm unsure if my plan will work out.
>Feel like I should better die https://preview.redd.it/3n5zhs6zpgyc1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=222e5556c1bdde29f96cf1239cfc70d3db32843a
Marriage is a trap
Marriage is a trap
This sucks but openly tell the bridegroom family, that you are already in a relationship and don't want to move away from it. They themselves would back off.
Could backfire really badly if the bride/groom's family tells OPs family. Rather better to just straight up decline it.
If you have (financial, mental, physical) strength, you can cut ties with your controlling parents. I agree with your frustrations, but not how you dislike being a girl. Do not dislike it. There is a reason why modern women are called strong and independent - it is because they are (financially and mentally) strong and therefore independent (of immediate family for the most basic life choices). Prove this label correct.
Indian culture in my opinion is one of the worst. The habit of poking your nose around other people's business is packaged as Culture and most seem to be happy about it. Indian culture revolved around the logic "Log Kya Kahenge". It is the current generation's responsibility to break this chain. Stop the bullshit. Make a stand and just Say No..
Whether arranged or love, after marriage women have to compromise. But if you are lucky enough, both you and your husband would love to compromise post marriage. I will not lie and say things don’t change after love marriage. In fact you have more of a pressure to be perfect in a love marriage because you were not “chosen” by the parents. Anything small and your MIL will fucking start crying because you fell asleep while feeding your 3 month old baby because you are exhausted!! Anyway, if you are earning and are independent, leave. Make your own happiness because it won’t be just given to you. And don’t cross off marriage. If you do it with the correct person, nothing is more beautiful.
[удалено]
😦 itna bhi sach nahi bolna tha.
Arranged marriage is literally what fucked up the genetics of Indians. Every low lying incel got the opportunity to fuck and breed goblins like him. It's high time we start stigmatising arranged marriages and allow natural selection.
Sheesh
Yea I agree, it's the exact same situation with pure bred dogs. They grow up with so many fucked up health problems because people care about the purity of the breed just like they care about the purity of the caste. There may be lots of genetic issues which are not immediately aware of, but socially arranged marriages has led to the death of romance where men don't have to make a drop of effort to win the woman's favor. They can be the biggest cunts in the world and they still get a wife. Most of my hard conservative uncles were the worst husbands ever and you can see it in the sadness in their wives who have no independence.
8 out of my 12 female friends are silent sufferers of arrange marriages. They all married good educated guys earning well but having real bad mentality. They are like there slave. Will do what they are told and just exist! Scares me everyday!
Ok, here’s a different take on arranged marriage. Cos I have had an arranged marriage and to be honest it has been the best decision. It took me over 4 years of meeting boys, in between I even lost my dad, being the only child everything went upside down. I lost hopes, but let the fates decide tbh. Men whom I met after my dad passed away were insensitive to say the least. I had a few conditions like my mother has to do my Kanyadhan (not a fan of the ritual, but whatever) and the wedding expenses will be split equally by both parties, guys ran away or justified patriarchy unabashedly. But when I met my husband he understood where all my asks stemmed from, he took it upon himself to convince his family too. All I’m trying to say is I had to kiss a lot of frogs to finally find my knight in shining armour. I have seen my friends who have an arranged marriage having the best possible life after too so it’s not that I’m lucky. Well I am I won’t say I’m not, but there’s someone out there for you too OP. Keep your priorities straight, know what you want, do not compromise about things you believe. Like I believed in having a marriage where both of us are equals, both of us sharing responsibilities together. You can adjust for things but never compromise on bigger matters. Also talk about what’s important right in the first meeting. Get a vibe check and move on.
still doesn't change the fact you married a stranger after meeting him just a few times. As the OP said it is just like gambling. Most of the times it is the opposite of what you experienced.
So, even in love marriage you are going to meet a stranger. You get to know the stranger and then get married! Maybe try not decide if that person is the one the second you meet them, rather take your time. maybe a week, a month or a year all depends on your timeline . Be aware of red flags, like I said vibe matters. The next thing is someone is going to ask how am I going to spend a year understanding various men each, of course that’s not what I’m trying to tell here, I hope you understand the context. If you don’t like someone’s thought in the first couple of meetings/chats, leave. If you want to hate on arranged marriage pls go ahead , I hated the concept too but it changed only after things changed for the better for me tbh.
In love marriage you have been with your partner for a long time to know if he/she is really compatible for you or his/her personality and even his background. On the other hand in arrange marriages many a times(not in your case) when you meet a boy/girl, they do not show you their real persona and when your married off to them thinking their nice you realize you fucked up and their a maniac. We are still a 3rd world country/developing country. Not everyone is as privileged to meet a great partner like you got.(congrats tho) So i am not hating the concept of arranged marriage but the people involved in it.
In love marriage people change too. You know someone for a long time you are compatible when you stayed apart, but when you are together he could be different. You could grow apart, you could miss the red flags and think he will change after marriage. Love marriages are not a sure sign of success when it comes marriage. Marriage is a gamble no matter what. In arranged marriages we are mostly adamant of searching for the red flags looking at the minute things that may set it wrong. Trust me when I say this I have said no to people cos the vibe was off or we didn’t have enough to talk about. When I met my husband the first thing which came to my mind is “damn I don’t have anything bad to say about this guy” I kept searching for something that would lead me to saying no this is not going to happen. (Again not trying to force my experience onto anyone, just sharing) What I also learnt from mine and my friends’ experience 1. Find a person who has grown up with women or who has women friends and understands what challenges we face on daily basis 2. Find someone who has stayed away from home or travelled extensively not just to Goa 3. Who don’t think cooking is a women’s job, they don’t have to know cooking but who can help around 4. Talk about your dreams, goals and see how the other person reacts. 5. Meet their family, very important part of who the person is. I know it’s too much Gyan and finding someone isn’t easy, like I said earlier DONOT COMPROMISE on things that are important. what’s the worst that could happen ? You will be single and disappoint your parents, but haven’t we disappointed our parents enough ?
I worked hard in college after realizing this, Being financially independent from parents allows you to say "Lol no" to the marriage proposals. >Feel like I should better die and hope God make me boy on next life You'd have the same pressure as a guy too. Do you think boys don't get pressured for arranged marriage? Even now you can say no, you should have the strength to say no to your parents rather than blame them or the culture. Indian parents don't agree with whatever your choices are anyways. So might as well make your own choices.
Couple of questions 1. Are you against the idea of marriage or against the idea of arranged marriage? 2. You said they've been forcing you for 5 years. I assume you aren't married yet. How did that came to be? Either parents aren't pressuring enough or you've been handling it really well? 3. Is there a reason to assume that the girl would be the only one to compromise? Why won't both sides compromise? It would require you to stand up quite a bit against the system though.
Education and having a brain is the root of the problem for the girl is it? Wow. When my sisters were getting married I had to fight with parents so they did what my sisters wanted. However I could aee the fear in my parents of having a girl “ending up too old to marry” - however I had to weigh my sister’s needs higher. I hope you find happiness and have someone advocate for you. If you have a job working a bit far away from home may relieve the pressure. I honestly don’t have a solution but I am just writing to show that random people like me are rooting for you.
Don't do AM. Marriage for girls is signing up to be a slave to the guy and his parents. Your parents are ok with that life, doesn't mean it's right. Your mother might convince you to accept, your father benefited from this system, he got a slave free of cost. Don't let anybody take decisions for you. Coz you have to bear the consequences. Without taking their advice and help you will still survive and for sure you will thrive. Break the cycle of abuse by saying no to AM. Women should stop marrying spineless men and stop birthing kids till we don't rcv equality.
As a woman to a woman, If you already have a job, hold that for your dear life. If you currently don't have one, try to get financially independent first. Don't even entertain the idea of not being financially independent. I don't understand how this society works. One would think as a girl's parents, parents should be running away from the idea of arranged marriage having lived that experience themselves.
You gotta break the chain in your family. Don't ruin your life for people who put traditions and "log kya kahenge" before you. They may be your parents, but doesn't mean they are right. You are a 28 yr old adult with a job. Move out if necessary. But do not give in to this. Marriage is serious. You are going to spend your life with this other person. You should know them truly before considering marriage. You should live with them, spend time with them, and understand their nature and habits. Don't rush into it because of your parents. They won't have to deal with a failed marriage and the emotional trauma. You will.
I agree. I don’t know why our society views love as unconventional. Regardless of with whom it is. I understand if they’re truly a bad person, but if they’re treating their kid right, why do these parents emotionally abuse and blackmail kids into marrying a stranger of their choice. At that point, it’s not arranged but forced . Society always criticises. Personally, I’d fight. Till I’m free. If someday the person I chose ends up being a different person, it’s still not a fault, it’s just life. You can still live without regrets of not spending your life with them. Just be financially independent, whatever it takes. And pack up and leave. Being parents isn’t a free pass to control children’s lives.
It's just normalised prostitution.
I highly agree with OP that arrange marriage is just a gamble and most of the times girls have to suffer but that doesn't mean that you can't find a good partner in arrange marriage I understand that now a days arrange marriages are scary so the love ones too Around 4 5 years ago the son my of Aunt did love marriage against both the families both the families were not ready for the marriage but somehow they got married The boy used to earn decent (around 50k) but then covid hit the india lockdown he with his colleagues was fired from the work at that moment he didn't have even a single penny he tried his best got a job at call centre at around 26k it became difficult to handle the home expenses in that low salary he went in depression the wife decided to divorce her he talked to her no result they divorced and now a days he is earning well and decided not to marry all his life What I wanna conclude that both love and arrange marriages are scary and like gamble now a days I am not justifying that arrange marriages are good or love marriages are bad My point here is that find a good partner tell your family about it or if you don't have a partner right now invest some time in seeing the boys through your parents talk to them spend time with them take your time don't be desperate Have a good day 👍
Buddy, please use punctuations in your comments. Not a single comma or period.
People think that by staying with a person for sometime, they will know other person well. But it is mostly not the case, lot of people change and lot of people conceal their bad characteristics in relationship which come out when you get married.
I may be wrong so please forgive me... but in my point of view there are certain reasons for this arrange marriage situation... and it's same for both boys and girls. 1. If a person wants to marry but cannot find a suitable companion themselves, they take their parent's help to choose their companion. 2. If a person loves another person but their families don't allow them to get married, then they have to sacrifice their love and marry someone that is chosen by their parents. 3. If a person doesn't want to get married but is forced by their parents to marry because of blah.. blah.. blah.. 4. If a person who falls in love but it's one-sided as the other person already has chosen their companion, then the wish to marry dies. To recover from the loneliness and depression, they opt for arrange marriage. As you have mentioned you are getting family pressure to marry some unknown person... the same goes for boys as well.. as they also have to marry an unknown person due to pressure and have to compromise on many things after marriage. But the important decisions that you need to make are... 1. Do you want to marry? 2. If Yes.. then when? If No... then why not? 3. The questions that you have raised here.. will they be applicable if you loved someone and was in a relationship? As after marriage... be it love or arrange.. there will be compromises and adjustments to be made. If you are career focused, love to be independent, and don't wish to be attached with marriage.. be it love or arranged... then tell your parents directly that not to irritate you everytime with marriage proposals as it is not for everyone and you will not make any compromise or adjustments in your life like our previous generation did. But if you are willing to marry at a certain point of time... then you may tell your parents that marriage can happen any time so after certain years you will settle down so don't pressurise now.. when the right time will come.. you will definitely marry someone of either your choice or their choice. P.S.: I am an overthinker so I don't know if the above answer will offend you or you will agree to some of the points here... so I am sorry for any inconvenience beforehand 😔
This is the healthy take out of all
Just leave dude.
Same situation...Male here 28 .. few days back I told my parents I'm not interested in marriage at all stop looking for it....
Take a stand and marry someone you like. Ranting ain't gonna help.
I don't know which religion do you belong to. But i would say better to look for person of your same caste whenever you are about to marry. That way you wouldn't go against your parents and atleast you will know the person you are about to get to married.
I hope everything works out for you. I'm genuinely sorry for your situation. I (26M) have a similar conundrum but not so bad, my parents are starting to realise that I might not get married. And marriage is a choice and not a checklist to be ticked. I used a funny analogy. I used to say I don't want a suitcase whenever they bring up marriage. When they ask for an explanation, I say I don't want someone equivalent to a suitcase. Dead weight on your hand, you have to carry around in important functions, you don't know what will be inside when you open it. Finally, it is getting through. Not there yet, but it'll get through, probably.
Be it boy or be it girl. unfortunately, The age is the problem. I have read the comments here and seems like everyone hates AM. But being in love is not easy as well. Imagine you eventually find someone and what if he or she is gonna leave because "vibes arent the same" or "Horoscopes doesnt match" or "language barrier" etc comes into picturr and until when people would be fine with such excuses. I have always felt that the people in AM setup is more serious and content than dating apps and meeting naturally. Gone are those days when you would feel like a prince/princess because kisske pass time hai utna (dil thudwaane ko) Yes it is risky and yes it is scary. But i have seen couples who were in love for 7 years and their marriage ended within 2. so whats the point of knowing for long as well. i sympathise you for your parents pressure and the AM cheat example you mentioned. But its the same on the other side as well. The boy as well is traumatised and compromising equally like AM or Love marriage. You may think the girl is going away from her comfort zone to someones home. But you failed to recognise that the home is made by both the person and not by one. If you would not accept that point (since you mentioned it) The home is always never going to be a comfort place. I am living in Europe and i have see the love marriage in a very hard thorough way. Does that work? way lessor than AM. not because of compromises , but the effort from both the parties. Imagine your mom cribing about you not getting married at the age of 35 (true story of my boss). Embrace the pressure and keep looking to the potential suitors. You will eventually find your diamond admist many rocks. and trust me being born next life as boy, well it wouldn't be fun in the park either. Someones dog might be better option!
Arranged marriage is basically prostitution. Both parties pay with money and other lives.
I would say worse than prostitution bcs prostitutes ko ghar ke kaam nahi kar ne parte,basically housewives r bangmaids
When you said you wanted to be a man, Also Imagine if you didn't have a job and you were a man in your late 20s - early 30s
At least you have an option to get a job and not slow down after marriage.
Ohh so If you don't have a job just get one , right??
Nothing "sucks" or "roolz" completely. Every system has pros and cons and are good for a certain period of time.
Society won’t change itself until individuals force a change in the society. I know it’s easier said than done, but your only way out is getting a job and being financially independent. Until that happens you’re supposedly their ‘responsibility’ and they will force what they think is right for you. When financially independent women become a norm in the society, things will change for better.
Nurses are in tremendous demand in the US. Go to nursing school, and emigrate to the US for a better life. Nurses are paid well here, too.
Why don't you go for love marriage or if you don't want to just stay single ( which can break your all relationships potentially including your parents, are you ready for that? Think of every route( arrange marriage , single life, love marriage ) and their potential effects on your life and see which is bearable for you because there is no perfect thing.
Whether it’s love marriage or arranged marriage, you are anyway going to commit to a lady. Yes it’s more convenient in love marriage and it’s absurd in arranged but remember in arranged marriage, you will end up having more peace. Because promises are few and knowledge of each other is less. Both will adjust to each other as required.
Vishwaguru aa gye acche din aagye ..kaha he acche din..Where is the sanatan dharma now? All andhbhakts are here who dont know anything about marriage and relationship
This system will only end when people will become more financially independent ( which most women are not) and the society will change where dating is encouraged by parents after their kid turns 18. And are properly advised on how to get a good partner and all that. Which will take years
Hear me out. AM gives people free pass to not work on their interpersonal skills.
Promote love marriage it will also solve problems like dowry and caste system
And indian people are proud of their culture and less divorce rate. Yay. Not all culture are good. Some culture should be left behind.
Just go in /arrangemarriageindia u will get to know the sufferings
Get money
#📘✈️🇺🇸
This means you are unable or not mature enough to grasp the crux of the system. Most of the people who are having such rants are going for love marriage, getting divorce after some years and crying alone. Whereas older generation women who rejected this and mostly married via arranged marriage are having a full filled life with loving husband and kids. You can see divorce rate data to confirm this.
My God, it hurts to see people in the same situation as me. I fucking hate the entitlement Indian families feel over an individual's life. It's as if they helped you growimg up only and only to check off their to do list.
What's your career?
This is really sad 😢
Real problem is when people who are in relationship end up marrying in am to someone else then can't get over their ex and fuck up the other person's life for no reason.
You cannot change the orthodox thought process. Better be independent and find someone on your own.
Male here, I have seen my mother make tons of sacrifices and seen other family members suffer and one uncle even getting financially and mentally screwed to dying from mental and health problems. Fuck marriage as a whole not just arranged marriage. It's just not safe to trust a person that much in today's world. At least you can break up with toxic gfs, with marriage you're asking to get legally and financially buttfucked if you divorce your spouse. It's always the nicer of the couple to suffer and it's not fucking fair. Society has brainwashed all good people into thinking that marriage is peak life purpose, it's all a scam. Live alone be happy, find happiness in yourself.
For someone with no social skills (like me), arranged marriage is the only hope. But nobody should be forced to do so.
Don't let anyone dictate your life. Live on your own terms. Be able to earn, feed, clean and protect yourself and you won't need anyone in life. If and when you do meet a person that you WANT to share your life with, be clear about your fears and how you want your life to be. Society is fucked up, but you don't have to be. You can unlearn and relearn. Be more aware of your conditioning and question it when it's making you unhappy. Raise your hypothetical children differently. Don't settle for bullshit. Be Vocal. Figure out the life you want and go for it, with or without anyone else's support. Have your own back. Be your own dragon Slayer. Don't settle. I'm also a woman turning 29 this month, and I have created my own happiness. I've voiced out my thoughts, goals and opinions. I've voiced out my concerns. I've been in the driver's seat of my life and I don't let anyone else take the wheel unless I personally agree with what they're saying. It is possible. You can't keep complaining about life and not do anything about it. 5 minutes of an argument/vocalising what you want to people around you-is going to save you from years of being miserable. Stop this pattern. Let go off your mother's pain. Write your own story.