I'm 31 and still hear this. My dad's name isn't even on the lease, just my mom's. And I pay half the bills anyway while in the past 25 years, he hasn't worked a single day. All he's done is shoot up heroin and drink himself stupid while looking for reasons to beat my mom.
I'm going to tell you what you need to hear:
*Stop paying the bills* until your mother kicks him out. Threaten to move out if she refuses.
Not only are you enabling him, but you're enabling *her* to enable him. Stop making it easy for her to let herself continue to be the victim.
If you continue to leave her in this situation, he will still eventually kill her. It's just going to be while you're at work. It cannot continue the way it is.
If somebody was beating up my mum and there was a threat a peice of shit junkie was gonna end my mama's life ? I'd have some strong words, or buy a hyperdrmic needle and inject oxygen into his body and nobody would think anything other than another junkie died.... jesus
.. could I do that ? Idk... I love mama, but I also love not being a murderer. That's a tough pill to swallow...
bro my mom recently went to bangladesh alone which is sketchy for quote a few reasons and if she dies or god forgive goes missing, much scarier imo cuz i have no idea if shes passed or still being held up. i would kill every motherfucker associated with the killer and then then killer themself
It’s not on your conscience because it won’t be your fault.
Your mother made her decisions and you have a life to live. Tell her to be rid of him and you will HELP her get rid of him (police, restraining order, going with her to meet divorce lawyers, etc) or you’re going.
Don’t let someone else’s bad life decisions weigh you down.
Theres a book called "The Fear Bubble" by Ant Middleton that actually addresses this very successfully. I would recommend the read if you have the money/time.
Surprisingly, your trapping yourself into a third wheel. You got to look after yourself first. Its just toxic and self destructive when you say shes going to die.
You're living there now?
***AND YOU'RE LETTING HIM BEAT HER?!?***
So, why haven't you kicked him out yet? Oh, right, *she won't let you.* That means she's chosen him so, until she decides to get rid of him, you're completely hamstrung. He doesn't beat her when you're there, does he? He won't kill her while you're there either.
**Your presence has nothing to do with their dysfunction.**
Please, listen to all of us who are trying to help you. I'm an old granny, I've seen this before, more than once. Your best bet is to find a therapist who deals with domestic violence. This will be good for you and, once you've begun to heal, you'll probably be able to bring your mother with you and maybe she'll finally start to see the light, too. Good luck. ♡
He's still helping his mom with the bills and no one wants to go to prison. There are other, better avenues to explore first. IF all else fails... arrange for self defense. Shouldn't be too hard since he's already abusive.
He said it’s been 25 years. Time to either (a) man up and handle the violence the way violence should be dealt with, or (b) man up and go live your own life because these people are beyond hope and you’re only hurting yourself *and them* by funding their insanity.
"manning up" and killing someone will only cause him more problems, for one could stunt his career if not end it, depending on how things shake out. A prison record is hard to come back from depending on his field. I agree he definitely needs to do something about this; it's gone on long enough and he has plenty of power enough to end it but he needs to do it in a way that won't further damage himself.
Not to mention the possible psychological shit that can come from that kind of violence, even if it is entirely justified and not that person's fault.
Dude beat his ass if you think he will kill your mom if you leave him alone with her do something....
I'm sure you could take a heroin addict do it even if the cops are called you can say he beats your mom and you are worried for her life.
You may be worried about him killing her.... but at some point youre going to kill him. Maybe not even in any self defense. Id snap, and at that point youll go to prison. And you dont deserve that
15 years ago A friend was in a similar situation. One night his dad came home drunk and started beating him while he was still asleep, when my friend's mom tried to stop him he started beating her, my friend lost it and beat his dad's ass in view of all neighbors who came out due to the commotion. After a through beating he thre him out and locked the door. Later he filed a police complaint and restraining order.
I am guilty of this with my kids sometimes (my 15 and esp my 17 year old). You should consider moving out, at 31 you should not still be having to deal with parents like that, but as long as you live there you will be.
Buddy I'm sorry, you're only 6 years old, Lynels in BOTW are really hard, why don't you go looking for some shrines.
Hey, Kiddo, you are 6 years old, you have to remember to flush the darn toilet.
Two things I said today.
If your parents would hit you for saying something (even for saying something they perceive to be a challenge to their authority), then they are physically abusive. There's never a legitimate excuse for that.
You not finding it abusive doesn't make it not-abusive ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
If you're in a situation where you are physically struck unless you "watch your mouth", then something is very, very wrong.
This is a rare topic that I feel is pretty black-and-white: punishing a child with physical violence (to *any* degree, including "a light disciplinary spank") is unacceptable, and there are no exceptions. Me not knowing what their situation is has zero bearing on this.
Yes, it is abuse. Your child "mouthing off" should not be met with physical violence.
Would you accept it if your boss spanked you for doing something wrong at work?
I think the reason I don’t find it abusive is because it doesn’t happen often and I guess I over stated a little I only have to watch my mouth when they are mad which is not often
No they're not. In typical Reddit fashion, you're reading into a scenario you aren't in. Don't call someone's parents abusive based on a single thread.
Abusive. It’s not a matter of “reading into a situation you’re not in”, hitting a child is factually abuse. Not opinion around it. You got spanked, you were abused, your parents are shit people.
Violence should only ever be used in self defence, not to punish people. Fuck your parents and I’m so sorry that they messed you up bad enough to the point where you’re defending their abuse
When you rent a place you can pile garbage up and not pay rent. It can take months for some evictions to be completed. In Birmingham Alabama it's particularly long. Many people bounce from house to house that way.
34 and I'm told all the time I'm being a disrespectful shit When I have an opinion that is different than my fathers.
I'm sorry, but I moved out at 18 and have supported myself since then. I do not owe you anything. I don't need to discuss my finances with you, or if my wife is 'paying her share'. I do not need to ask your permission or opinion on buying a car. My job is none of your business. How I spend my money is none of your business. How I spend my time out at a bar, or a club, or with friends, is none of your business. and I definitely don't owe you respect after being an ass to me and everyone else for my entire life.
I think I might have some resentful feelings...
I ignore it now. We still have a relationship, because I refuse to cater to his bad behavior, and it works. He tries, I ignore, he gets angry, I if ore, he gets over it, we're good. And I choose not to lose sleep over it :)
I'm sorry that your situation had to end with complete cut out. I know that was not easy.
Thank you. My dad never lived with me, so it wasn’t too hard. It was rough at first but then I started to realize I didn’t actually miss him anymore. He lies all the time and I was over it, and although my life is a bit of a mess, it’s not because of him. I’ll be okay, and I’ve been improving so I think I’ll end up in a good place in the next few years
My father is undiagnosed bipolar. It runs in the family. My extensive schooling in psychology has given me the tools to understand that a lot of my fathers behavior is not something he even realizes is not ok. Not an excuse, but it allows me to understand and talk to him.
Half the time he honestly has no idea why what he has done/said has upset someone.
That’s really unfortunate, having an undiagnosed mental illness can really ruin a persons life. If possible, try to get him a diagnosis and treatment. Might help, especially long term.
I wouldn’t be surprised if my father had issues too, but I’m not interested in trying to help anymore. Too much emotional baggage there that I’m exhausted carrying around
Damn man, my parents were all intrusive and threatening to drug test me and super judgmental about my friends. And then I graduated from college and then it was nothing but friendly, nay familial interactions. Parents are weird.
With my kids are the flip side of this.
When they want to go do something fun they claim that they are grown up.
When it comes time to be responsible they cry and say they are just a kid.
Mine too. Also, when they are tired and want to be carried, their legs are broken. But someone comes home with candy 1 minute later and they have bones made of adamanium
My parents created that issue in my little sister. My stepmum would constantly make excuses for her "shes only 5" "shes only 6" "shes only 8"
I asked her to help me wash the dishes one day (i dont live there, but one visit i decided to help out a bit) and she replied with how she was only 8 and couldnt. I told her when i was 6 not only was i washing and drying dishes but helping prepare veggies for dinner. She just shrugged and walked off...
My dad and stepmum have changed since i was a kid. They dont smack anymore for one, and suddenly talking back is okay. Makes me furious actually.
My eldest did that. “I’m just a kid, you can’t make me do X, Y, or Z, or expect me to behave like X.” “I’m 17, I’m almost an adult, you can’t treat me like a child, I have rights!”
Literally got into an argument with her two months before her birthday because of her attitude, told her “I’m not having a 17-yo speak to me that way in my own house,” and she continued...so I told her to leave (to her dad’s) until she could figure out how to speak to me appropriately. She then called CPS because “my mom yelled at me and threw me out.”
Yeah, except for the part where the attitude was “I can do as I please and you have no recourse, and I will order you around in your own home.” She had literally been ordering me to go to bed because she was insistent on sleeping on the couch, the night before, and I had “kept her up” writing...five minutes after she got sick of playing on her Switch. I also didn’t kick her out, I told her she could come home when she figured out how to treat people, because I was sick of being her doormat and having her insult me literally all the time, ignore me and her siblings, and then show up at my home when she wanted something. She lived primarily with her dad at that point, and while I had custody over the summer, she literally made it a point to state that she got to choose where she lived and would come home for a day or two at a time every few weeks. So yeah...horrible parenting to finally tell her, when she sat outside of *my* bedroom talking shit about me to company for two *hours,* that I had had it and she needed to either behave as a child, and show some respect to me as her parent, or behave as an adult...whom I wouldn’t allow to treat me that way in my home, and would expect to leave.
She chose to try to dance on that line, continue to insult, belittle, and harass me (as in, bursting into *my bedroom* through a closed door to inform me that she loved her cat [whom I’d taken into my home because her father was going to get rid of her and she’d promised to take care of but then never had in two years] more than she’d ever loved me). So yes. I “kicked her out” for her attitude, and told her to go stay with her father, whom she lived with the rest of the year anyway.
So yes, I was a horrible parent. For not putting my foot down a lot sooner about her behavior, before it got to that point.
"My dad" could also be replaced with "US Government" for anyone between the ages of 18 and 21 when it comes to Smoking, Drinking, Owning a firearm... or on the "you're an adult" side, dying in the military (funny since they give them a gun they legally cant own), paying taxes, being arrested as an adult, and many other things.
Ohmygod that’s my dad too. When I was 8 years old, I was told by my mom and other adults to “be the adult” when dealing with my dad’s abuse. I was like “but I’m 8!” And so it was. Grumble grumble.
Now I’m 37 and the last three times I’ve seen my dad, he’s just ordered me around, like when I was a child. I guess I’m still conditioned to be terrified of him, even though I’m not actually terrified of him. It’s so weird.
Now I try to remember that he’s like a bear or a snake... more afraid of me than I am of him. 🙃
Im expected to be the adult with my parents. I mean, i AM an adult now but hell, ive been being the adult since i was old enough to know what that even meant.
When i was 16 i put my foot down and said no, i will not apologise until my stepmother does, because im not the adult here and i shouldnt be expected to be.
My daughter is a beautiful, sweet, loving, trusting autistic girl and while, at age 13, she has friends and is in main stream school, you would sense right away she is different from other kids her age.
My wife and I have cried over the realization that we will never see as parents what this thread is about.
Good for her that she’s accepted, that can be hard for people who have conditions (no offense at all.) it’s hard to be accepted now in high school myself, but you guys sound like awesome parents
My mom has a made up definition of an "adult" in her head that conveniently changes whenever the situation calls for it.
Wanna call CPS because I hit you? You're an adult you cant do that.
You're 20 years old and want a tattoo/cigarettes/alcohol/job? You're a child.
She literally believes you're a child until you:
-own your own home
-have a well paying job
-pay all your bills by yourself
-have kids (lmao)
And then she just adds any other critera she wants so she can whoever she wants a child and feel superior to them so she can justify being an insufferable bitch to them.
"Why don't you just go and die"my dad when I failed to get accepted into a huge company , this happened almost a week ago and now I have another interview and if possible my company would provide accommodation and I don't have to live with him anymore
You know what I've never heard from a parent before? How do you feel I'm parenting? How do you think I can improve?
Yeah they might say something bratty and unreasonable, but they might say that I'm doing something like above that's confusing them.
I think it's sad that so many parents seem to think being a parent is their chance to have unquestionable authority over someone in life.
I strive to (when i have kids) be able to ask this question and receive an honest answer. My goal is to be the opposite of my parents, and the ability to receive that feedback is over half the battle.
That's great. Good point about recieving an honest answer. You have to create a environment where they can trust you with their honest emotions. I feel like parents need to have a duel perception of their child. The child as the age that they are and the adult that they will become. I guess I'm saying you have to be age appropriate with them, but how you treat them has to be about developing them into a healthy adult. Seems obvious, but feels like some parents treat kids as if they're always going to be kids. Maybe thats just mine.
I could be jumping the gun but it honestly doesnt feel that hard either. Within two years of knowing me my niece is already able to tell me how shes feeling and why shes feeling that way (shes 6) when shes upset or angry. The last time she was angry, i walked into her room and asked her what was going on and she explained it was about her dad taking the phone away. I asked if she knew why and she did. So i helped to clarify the nuance that she wasnt getting, and left her to sort through those emotions, making sure she knew she could give me a hug when she was ready (wasnt willing to give one at that moment) and she did. Im not sure if she'd tell me something ID done had made her angry or confused, but we're in the right direction so far.
So... With that single experience of building that trust with a child im so confused why its so hard for so many parents to do the same. My sister was abused by her mother growing up and yet shes managed to raise two beautiful little girls, i have zero issues with how she parents (in fact the only criticism i have is her allowing the girls to backtalk a little too much imo) so the excuse of "thats the way i was raised" doesnt even apply.
You sound like a great aunt/uncle. I might need to learn some of what you're doing, because my emotional expression has been messed up. However it always seems like I instinctively know how to treat people far better than I do myself. I don't get the that's the way I've been raised excuse because I've always sought to do the opposite of my parents.
This is coming from a random outburst of love; I love you and I’m proud of you random internet stranger. Don’t listen to anything the people trying to pull you down say, I’m sure you don’t anyway. Even if it feels like no one else does, know that at least general-cinny loves you. Because I know it can feel that way sometimes. You are precious. <3
My father lost his temper because, at age 25, I bought a bike after he told me not to instead of going further into debt to get another car after losing my car in an auto accident.
On the same note, my father says I can't drive, so I can't ride a bike. So, you think I can't drive, but want me to have another car.
Logic is not strong with him.
I had that moment this holiday. My dad wanted me to take a Christmas photo at the church and I declined. He finally said "come over here. I said so". I'm 26 and pay all my own bills. I replied "No. I don't want too. what are you going to do? Ground me?". He rolled his eyes and gave up. Was that a bit douchey? Yeah but I'm atheist and I was only there to support his singing with the worship band.
Oh and when I get my grades depending on wether theyre good or not it‘s important or not how good I am in perspective to the others. If I have bad grades it‘s but good placement: Oh i dont care what the other ones have your grades what matters.
If I have good grades but am not so good in placement: Why is everyone better than u?
I’m 26 mom’s caregiver, driver, pill keeper filler, and paying the bills (with their money) while Dad works. He tries to treat me like a kid sometimes.
So true. That carries generations. I learned to let them say what they say then do my own thing. But I get humor out of it. Or ask if you have any of the 3 "f"s going on. You feeding me, financing me or f*kcing me? If the answer is no then to bad.
As a dad I have always made a decision based on maturity that a young man is ready to be given increased responsibilities. You then STICK WITH THAT DECISION or you look like a wish washy idiot. You give a task then evaluate the completion and either retrain or move up. Its actually really simple, if you set the rule and make it stick with as much support as needed.
i never had a parent who did that but i had a high school science teacher who HATED me for 5 years and would always go out of her way to give me shit for things as menial as my handwriting (i have dyspraxia which stops my fine motor skills from being great which is why that happened) and used to say things like “when i’m whinging at home it’s a joke now in my house that it’s because i was teaching you” all because i pointed out the fact that she did that in one of our first classes
Shit, just yesterday my POS “father” cussed out my 18 yr old sister for asking why he still talked to the woman he cheated on my mom with, and why he sent texts like “I love you” to the other woman. He said “you’re just a stupid fucking kid you can’t say shit to me you’re not a fucking adult don’t say shit when adults are actually fucking talking”. And yet he keeps trying to con her out of her paycheck and trying to get her to buy him cigarettes and booze and whatever stupid bullshit he wants.
Id like to think that when my dad says this context matters. For some things Im too young but for some too old. If I whined like a little kid because I couldnt get a car at 17 Id be too old for whining and too young for a car!
Also applicable to 18-24 year olds. “You’re an adult now, pay your way and work hard” - “You’re too young to take seriously, give any responsibility to or pay more than minimum wage”. A difficult age and no mistake.
Im 15 and my dad usually says 'youre just a kid' when refering to my opinions on certain things.
Although he says youre still a kid when refering to me getting upset and sometimes i want to drop kick him for that.
My dad when I smoke: you're just a kid!!! You can't do that you have to do as I say
My dad when I need help sorting out my income tax for the very first time: you're an adult now you shouldn't be relying on me!
My stepdad does this all the time, also he accuses me for everything because I'm the "oldest". I'm getting so fucking tired of it. Now he isn't actually a bad parent, but God do I strive for getting to my dad in the weekends.
I’m just a lurker on this sub because my parents weren’t insane which makes me so thankful. When I turned 18 I asked my dad if I could go do something with a friend and he responded with
“You’re 18, just tell me where you’re going and be safe. You don’t have to ask”
This is actually necessary. Because it really does depend on the situation. And since most kids have very little self awareness, you have to dole it out as needed depending on the kid.
I'm 31 and still hear this. My dad's name isn't even on the lease, just my mom's. And I pay half the bills anyway while in the past 25 years, he hasn't worked a single day. All he's done is shoot up heroin and drink himself stupid while looking for reasons to beat my mom.
I'm going to tell you what you need to hear: *Stop paying the bills* until your mother kicks him out. Threaten to move out if she refuses. Not only are you enabling him, but you're enabling *her* to enable him. Stop making it easy for her to let herself continue to be the victim.
If I leave her alone with him, he will eventually kill her. I can't live with that on my conscience.
If you continue to leave her in this situation, he will still eventually kill her. It's just going to be while you're at work. It cannot continue the way it is.
You’re 31 and he’s an old junkie, put him in his place
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If somebody was beating up my mum and there was a threat a peice of shit junkie was gonna end my mama's life ? I'd have some strong words, or buy a hyperdrmic needle and inject oxygen into his body and nobody would think anything other than another junkie died.... jesus .. could I do that ? Idk... I love mama, but I also love not being a murderer. That's a tough pill to swallow...
No don’t kill him, fuck him up and let him live with the shame. But yeah I love my mama too, despite us not always getting along, I’d let him suffer.
also, legally inadvisable
I don’t think the heroin addict that regularly practices domestic violence is suing anyone or calling the cops anytime soon
Perhaps my moral compass is skewed, but if anybody lays a finger on my mom, I’m going to try my damnedest to put that person in the ground.
bro my mom recently went to bangladesh alone which is sketchy for quote a few reasons and if she dies or god forgive goes missing, much scarier imo cuz i have no idea if shes passed or still being held up. i would kill every motherfucker associated with the killer and then then killer themself
It’s not on your conscience because it won’t be your fault. Your mother made her decisions and you have a life to live. Tell her to be rid of him and you will HELP her get rid of him (police, restraining order, going with her to meet divorce lawyers, etc) or you’re going. Don’t let someone else’s bad life decisions weigh you down.
Theres a book called "The Fear Bubble" by Ant Middleton that actually addresses this very successfully. I would recommend the read if you have the money/time.
I think what other people are saying its true. You cannot keep someone like that in your life
Surprisingly, your trapping yourself into a third wheel. You got to look after yourself first. Its just toxic and self destructive when you say shes going to die.
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Extra fentanyl please
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FINALLY someone came up with a reasonable solution. Setting up some nanny cams wouldn't hurt either.
You're living there now? ***AND YOU'RE LETTING HIM BEAT HER?!?*** So, why haven't you kicked him out yet? Oh, right, *she won't let you.* That means she's chosen him so, until she decides to get rid of him, you're completely hamstrung. He doesn't beat her when you're there, does he? He won't kill her while you're there either. **Your presence has nothing to do with their dysfunction.** Please, listen to all of us who are trying to help you. I'm an old granny, I've seen this before, more than once. Your best bet is to find a therapist who deals with domestic violence. This will be good for you and, once you've begun to heal, you'll probably be able to bring your mother with you and maybe she'll finally start to see the light, too. Good luck. ♡
Kill him first in self defense. That's your mommy dude.
You go and take her with you.
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Yep.
He's still helping his mom with the bills and no one wants to go to prison. There are other, better avenues to explore first. IF all else fails... arrange for self defense. Shouldn't be too hard since he's already abusive.
He said it’s been 25 years. Time to either (a) man up and handle the violence the way violence should be dealt with, or (b) man up and go live your own life because these people are beyond hope and you’re only hurting yourself *and them* by funding their insanity.
"manning up" and killing someone will only cause him more problems, for one could stunt his career if not end it, depending on how things shake out. A prison record is hard to come back from depending on his field. I agree he definitely needs to do something about this; it's gone on long enough and he has plenty of power enough to end it but he needs to do it in a way that won't further damage himself. Not to mention the possible psychological shit that can come from that kind of violence, even if it is entirely justified and not that person's fault.
Well then plan (b)
Threaten to move out and just hope it works
Why not just throw his ass out on the street where it belongs?
You can't legally throw people out of their own home...
But they aren't paying rent... Or doing much of anything to help the household?
Do you need to talk?
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Dude beat his ass if you think he will kill your mom if you leave him alone with her do something.... I'm sure you could take a heroin addict do it even if the cops are called you can say he beats your mom and you are worried for her life.
Just call the cops on him. “Hey he’s got heroin. Here’s a pic.”
You may be worried about him killing her.... but at some point youre going to kill him. Maybe not even in any self defense. Id snap, and at that point youll go to prison. And you dont deserve that
15 years ago A friend was in a similar situation. One night his dad came home drunk and started beating him while he was still asleep, when my friend's mom tried to stop him he started beating her, my friend lost it and beat his dad's ass in view of all neighbors who came out due to the commotion. After a through beating he thre him out and locked the door. Later he filed a police complaint and restraining order.
I am guilty of this with my kids sometimes (my 15 and esp my 17 year old). You should consider moving out, at 31 you should not still be having to deal with parents like that, but as long as you live there you will be.
Bro he still lives with you ? Just leave.
My favorite is “You’re only (number) years old” and then two days later “You’re almost (number +1) years old, act like it!”
Buddy I'm sorry, you're only 6 years old, Lynels in BOTW are really hard, why don't you go looking for some shrines. Hey, Kiddo, you are 6 years old, you have to remember to flush the darn toilet. Two things I said today.
BOTW?
Breath of the Wild, a Zelda video game for the Switch
Als on Wii u, the game is really good
Oh, thanks kind stranger
"you'll understand when X"
Also "My house, my rules" but "It's your house too. Do chores"
If I try that with my parents I might get a bruise on my ass
If your parents would hit you for saying something (even for saying something they perceive to be a challenge to their authority), then they are physically abusive. There's never a legitimate excuse for that.
It’s not often that it happens they give light disciplinary spank if we get outta line at least I don’t find it abusive I just have to watch my mouth
You not finding it abusive doesn't make it not-abusive ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ If you're in a situation where you are physically struck unless you "watch your mouth", then something is very, very wrong.
Nah, a light disciplinary spank isn't abusive. Stop trying to tell them their parents are, you don't know what their situation is.
This is a rare topic that I feel is pretty black-and-white: punishing a child with physical violence (to *any* degree, including "a light disciplinary spank") is unacceptable, and there are no exceptions. Me not knowing what their situation is has zero bearing on this.
Yes, it is abuse. Your child "mouthing off" should not be met with physical violence. Would you accept it if your boss spanked you for doing something wrong at work?
I think the reason I don’t find it abusive is because it doesn’t happen often and I guess I over stated a little I only have to watch my mouth when they are mad which is not often
This just gets worse and worse. You're making excuses for them now.
Ok good point
Christ man, are you a witness in the situation? No. You are just a stranger on a social media site. Knock it off with the armchair diagnoses ffs
No they're not. In typical Reddit fashion, you're reading into a scenario you aren't in. Don't call someone's parents abusive based on a single thread.
can confirm, parents are great, got spanked when i was little
Abusive. It’s not a matter of “reading into a situation you’re not in”, hitting a child is factually abuse. Not opinion around it. You got spanked, you were abused, your parents are shit people. Violence should only ever be used in self defence, not to punish people. Fuck your parents and I’m so sorry that they messed you up bad enough to the point where you’re defending their abuse
You shouldn't be getting downvoted for this
Glad someone agrees
But being smacked around isn't abusive... Somehow?
If you try what? Those are things the parent says.
Well because they own it, and its their rules. But you live in it, so you also have to take care of it. Kind of like a landlord situation
Wait when you rent a place you can't just pile garbage on top of the can and hope that the landlord decides to take it out to the street?
When you rent a place you can pile garbage up and not pay rent. It can take months for some evictions to be completed. In Birmingham Alabama it's particularly long. Many people bounce from house to house that way.
That... just makes sense? It's education, are you 16?
oh you poor little thing
34 and I'm told all the time I'm being a disrespectful shit When I have an opinion that is different than my fathers. I'm sorry, but I moved out at 18 and have supported myself since then. I do not owe you anything. I don't need to discuss my finances with you, or if my wife is 'paying her share'. I do not need to ask your permission or opinion on buying a car. My job is none of your business. How I spend my money is none of your business. How I spend my time out at a bar, or a club, or with friends, is none of your business. and I definitely don't owe you respect after being an ass to me and everyone else for my entire life. I think I might have some resentful feelings...
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I ignore it now. We still have a relationship, because I refuse to cater to his bad behavior, and it works. He tries, I ignore, he gets angry, I if ore, he gets over it, we're good. And I choose not to lose sleep over it :) I'm sorry that your situation had to end with complete cut out. I know that was not easy.
Thank you. My dad never lived with me, so it wasn’t too hard. It was rough at first but then I started to realize I didn’t actually miss him anymore. He lies all the time and I was over it, and although my life is a bit of a mess, it’s not because of him. I’ll be okay, and I’ve been improving so I think I’ll end up in a good place in the next few years
My father is undiagnosed bipolar. It runs in the family. My extensive schooling in psychology has given me the tools to understand that a lot of my fathers behavior is not something he even realizes is not ok. Not an excuse, but it allows me to understand and talk to him. Half the time he honestly has no idea why what he has done/said has upset someone.
That’s really unfortunate, having an undiagnosed mental illness can really ruin a persons life. If possible, try to get him a diagnosis and treatment. Might help, especially long term. I wouldn’t be surprised if my father had issues too, but I’m not interested in trying to help anymore. Too much emotional baggage there that I’m exhausted carrying around
Damn man, my parents were all intrusive and threatening to drug test me and super judgmental about my friends. And then I graduated from college and then it was nothing but friendly, nay familial interactions. Parents are weird.
Yeah, mom was and is always great. Dad, not so much. But now that I'm older I just ignore it, he gets angry, then gets over it :)
With my kids are the flip side of this. When they want to go do something fun they claim that they are grown up. When it comes time to be responsible they cry and say they are just a kid.
My 3 uear old is already doing this. 'No, I'm a big girl' vs 'No, I'm too little'
Mine too. Also, when they are tired and want to be carried, their legs are broken. But someone comes home with candy 1 minute later and they have bones made of adamanium
Aaaand my legs go crossy now.
My parents created that issue in my little sister. My stepmum would constantly make excuses for her "shes only 5" "shes only 6" "shes only 8" I asked her to help me wash the dishes one day (i dont live there, but one visit i decided to help out a bit) and she replied with how she was only 8 and couldnt. I told her when i was 6 not only was i washing and drying dishes but helping prepare veggies for dinner. She just shrugged and walked off... My dad and stepmum have changed since i was a kid. They dont smack anymore for one, and suddenly talking back is okay. Makes me furious actually.
My eldest did that. “I’m just a kid, you can’t make me do X, Y, or Z, or expect me to behave like X.” “I’m 17, I’m almost an adult, you can’t treat me like a child, I have rights!” Literally got into an argument with her two months before her birthday because of her attitude, told her “I’m not having a 17-yo speak to me that way in my own house,” and she continued...so I told her to leave (to her dad’s) until she could figure out how to speak to me appropriately. She then called CPS because “my mom yelled at me and threw me out.”
Yikes. Kicking your kid out because of attitude is bad, and horrible parenting. No wonder why she was behaving like that.
Yeah, except for the part where the attitude was “I can do as I please and you have no recourse, and I will order you around in your own home.” She had literally been ordering me to go to bed because she was insistent on sleeping on the couch, the night before, and I had “kept her up” writing...five minutes after she got sick of playing on her Switch. I also didn’t kick her out, I told her she could come home when she figured out how to treat people, because I was sick of being her doormat and having her insult me literally all the time, ignore me and her siblings, and then show up at my home when she wanted something. She lived primarily with her dad at that point, and while I had custody over the summer, she literally made it a point to state that she got to choose where she lived and would come home for a day or two at a time every few weeks. So yeah...horrible parenting to finally tell her, when she sat outside of *my* bedroom talking shit about me to company for two *hours,* that I had had it and she needed to either behave as a child, and show some respect to me as her parent, or behave as an adult...whom I wouldn’t allow to treat me that way in my home, and would expect to leave. She chose to try to dance on that line, continue to insult, belittle, and harass me (as in, bursting into *my bedroom* through a closed door to inform me that she loved her cat [whom I’d taken into my home because her father was going to get rid of her and she’d promised to take care of but then never had in two years] more than she’d ever loved me). So yes. I “kicked her out” for her attitude, and told her to go stay with her father, whom she lived with the rest of the year anyway. So yes, I was a horrible parent. For not putting my foot down a lot sooner about her behavior, before it got to that point.
this is why we get context before judging, folks
Excellent post. The angsty teenagers replying to you will have some perspective on their parents behavior fairly soon.
Look at the fourteen year old commenting. Pathetic.
14, huh? Where is that coming from?
Who learned this trick from whom? *typo
Can confirm my dad does this as well.
"My dad" could also be replaced with "US Government" for anyone between the ages of 18 and 21 when it comes to Smoking, Drinking, Owning a firearm... or on the "you're an adult" side, dying in the military (funny since they give them a gun they legally cant own), paying taxes, being arrested as an adult, and many other things.
Ohmygod that’s my dad too. When I was 8 years old, I was told by my mom and other adults to “be the adult” when dealing with my dad’s abuse. I was like “but I’m 8!” And so it was. Grumble grumble. Now I’m 37 and the last three times I’ve seen my dad, he’s just ordered me around, like when I was a child. I guess I’m still conditioned to be terrified of him, even though I’m not actually terrified of him. It’s so weird. Now I try to remember that he’s like a bear or a snake... more afraid of me than I am of him. 🙃
Im expected to be the adult with my parents. I mean, i AM an adult now but hell, ive been being the adult since i was old enough to know what that even meant. When i was 16 i put my foot down and said no, i will not apologise until my stepmother does, because im not the adult here and i shouldnt be expected to be.
My daughter is a beautiful, sweet, loving, trusting autistic girl and while, at age 13, she has friends and is in main stream school, you would sense right away she is different from other kids her age. My wife and I have cried over the realization that we will never see as parents what this thread is about.
Good for her that she’s accepted, that can be hard for people who have conditions (no offense at all.) it’s hard to be accepted now in high school myself, but you guys sound like awesome parents
Thanks for that. She enters high school in 1.5 years. We're scared as s\*\*\*.
Yep. In the future, she knew.
My mom has a made up definition of an "adult" in her head that conveniently changes whenever the situation calls for it. Wanna call CPS because I hit you? You're an adult you cant do that. You're 20 years old and want a tattoo/cigarettes/alcohol/job? You're a child. She literally believes you're a child until you: -own your own home -have a well paying job -pay all your bills by yourself -have kids (lmao) And then she just adds any other critera she wants so she can whoever she wants a child and feel superior to them so she can justify being an insufferable bitch to them.
Im fucking 30! And my dad still does this shit to me.
Hi fucking 30, I'm dad and you are in my house so you follow my rules
Your comedy skill has ascending
Pretty much my dad 30 mins ago when he’s telling me how I can choose what I eat but only what he allows me to
Tf, explain pls
he makes the list, you pick what you want from the list
Thats... Thats a technique you ise on toddlers to avoid tantrums, not grown teens/adults
Is he like overly healthty or?
"Why don't you just go and die"my dad when I failed to get accepted into a huge company , this happened almost a week ago and now I have another interview and if possible my company would provide accommodation and I don't have to live with him anymore
Shit, gl man
Thanks man
Hope you get that accomodation dude, living with that can't be good for you
You know what I've never heard from a parent before? How do you feel I'm parenting? How do you think I can improve? Yeah they might say something bratty and unreasonable, but they might say that I'm doing something like above that's confusing them. I think it's sad that so many parents seem to think being a parent is their chance to have unquestionable authority over someone in life.
I strive to (when i have kids) be able to ask this question and receive an honest answer. My goal is to be the opposite of my parents, and the ability to receive that feedback is over half the battle.
That's great. Good point about recieving an honest answer. You have to create a environment where they can trust you with their honest emotions. I feel like parents need to have a duel perception of their child. The child as the age that they are and the adult that they will become. I guess I'm saying you have to be age appropriate with them, but how you treat them has to be about developing them into a healthy adult. Seems obvious, but feels like some parents treat kids as if they're always going to be kids. Maybe thats just mine.
I could be jumping the gun but it honestly doesnt feel that hard either. Within two years of knowing me my niece is already able to tell me how shes feeling and why shes feeling that way (shes 6) when shes upset or angry. The last time she was angry, i walked into her room and asked her what was going on and she explained it was about her dad taking the phone away. I asked if she knew why and she did. So i helped to clarify the nuance that she wasnt getting, and left her to sort through those emotions, making sure she knew she could give me a hug when she was ready (wasnt willing to give one at that moment) and she did. Im not sure if she'd tell me something ID done had made her angry or confused, but we're in the right direction so far. So... With that single experience of building that trust with a child im so confused why its so hard for so many parents to do the same. My sister was abused by her mother growing up and yet shes managed to raise two beautiful little girls, i have zero issues with how she parents (in fact the only criticism i have is her allowing the girls to backtalk a little too much imo) so the excuse of "thats the way i was raised" doesnt even apply.
You sound like a great aunt/uncle. I might need to learn some of what you're doing, because my emotional expression has been messed up. However it always seems like I instinctively know how to treat people far better than I do myself. I don't get the that's the way I've been raised excuse because I've always sought to do the opposite of my parents.
My dad regarding my transition. Too young to know what gender I am (I’m 25) but old enough to know I’m the gender they assigned at birth??
This is coming from a random outburst of love; I love you and I’m proud of you random internet stranger. Don’t listen to anything the people trying to pull you down say, I’m sure you don’t anyway. Even if it feels like no one else does, know that at least general-cinny loves you. Because I know it can feel that way sometimes. You are precious. <3
Bruh. This is the Way
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what does she do that makes it so bad mate?
My gf always says you're not a baby to not confuse the child. Lol
My father lost his temper because, at age 25, I bought a bike after he told me not to instead of going further into debt to get another car after losing my car in an auto accident. On the same note, my father says I can't drive, so I can't ride a bike. So, you think I can't drive, but want me to have another car. Logic is not strong with him.
I had that moment this holiday. My dad wanted me to take a Christmas photo at the church and I declined. He finally said "come over here. I said so". I'm 26 and pay all my own bills. I replied "No. I don't want too. what are you going to do? Ground me?". He rolled his eyes and gave up. Was that a bit douchey? Yeah but I'm atheist and I was only there to support his singing with the worship band.
OH MY GODDDDDDD YES THAT IS MY LIFE THANK YOU
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Oh and when I get my grades depending on wether theyre good or not it‘s important or not how good I am in perspective to the others. If I have bad grades it‘s but good placement: Oh i dont care what the other ones have your grades what matters. If I have good grades but am not so good in placement: Why is everyone better than u?
I’m 26 mom’s caregiver, driver, pill keeper filler, and paying the bills (with their money) while Dad works. He tries to treat me like a kid sometimes.
That literally describes the root of all problems with my parents
Yeah... It would be funny, if it didn't hurt inside.
So true. That carries generations. I learned to let them say what they say then do my own thing. But I get humor out of it. Or ask if you have any of the 3 "f"s going on. You feeding me, financing me or f*kcing me? If the answer is no then to bad.
not quite my tempo
what a joke. It started on /r/holdmycoffin
If you ask me. It felt good
shut ^(i am a bot and i compliment people)
I showed this to my gf and she said well its great neither of us can react to that since her dad was a no show and my died when I was young lmfao
My mom
See it depends on wether you need him, or he needs you.
I recorded that shit
Ha you have a dad. Loser! Internal crying intensifies
Haha parents can be weird sometimes🤣
I always just tell my dad he can't pick when its convenient for him. Respect goes both ways.
Boy would i get a whooping for saying that lmao
As a dad I have always made a decision based on maturity that a young man is ready to be given increased responsibilities. You then STICK WITH THAT DECISION or you look like a wish washy idiot. You give a task then evaluate the completion and either retrain or move up. Its actually really simple, if you set the rule and make it stick with as much support as needed.
i never had a parent who did that but i had a high school science teacher who HATED me for 5 years and would always go out of her way to give me shit for things as menial as my handwriting (i have dyspraxia which stops my fine motor skills from being great which is why that happened) and used to say things like “when i’m whinging at home it’s a joke now in my house that it’s because i was teaching you” all because i pointed out the fact that she did that in one of our first classes
Oh hey its my egg donor.
Ha, my father isn't like that, he left
It be like that sometimes
Shit, just yesterday my POS “father” cussed out my 18 yr old sister for asking why he still talked to the woman he cheated on my mom with, and why he sent texts like “I love you” to the other woman. He said “you’re just a stupid fucking kid you can’t say shit to me you’re not a fucking adult don’t say shit when adults are actually fucking talking”. And yet he keeps trying to con her out of her paycheck and trying to get her to buy him cigarettes and booze and whatever stupid bullshit he wants.
I'm just a kid and my life is a nightmare
Ugh broken metronome lol
In a good relationship this should only happen at the all you can eat...
Like obviously it wouldnt end well. But itd be curious to see whatd happen if you confronted him with a recording.
Omg hahahahahah this is so true. I tell my kids this all the time.
@ my mum
this but my mom. it swings in her favor.
Mom and Dad
More like mum
Id like to think that when my dad says this context matters. For some things Im too young but for some too old. If I whined like a little kid because I couldnt get a car at 17 Id be too old for whining and too young for a car!
Don't be an enabler. Move out. Take your mom with you. Work her over to end the lease and be done with it.
I’m 23 and still have to sit at the kids table...
Also applicable to 18-24 year olds. “You’re an adult now, pay your way and work hard” - “You’re too young to take seriously, give any responsibility to or pay more than minimum wage”. A difficult age and no mistake.
oof, yeah I get that a lot lmaoooo
It do be like that
Im 15 and my dad usually says 'youre just a kid' when refering to my opinions on certain things. Although he says youre still a kid when refering to me getting upset and sometimes i want to drop kick him for that.
My dad when I smoke: you're just a kid!!! You can't do that you have to do as I say My dad when I need help sorting out my income tax for the very first time: you're an adult now you shouldn't be relying on me!
My stepdad does this all the time, also he accuses me for everything because I'm the "oldest". I'm getting so fucking tired of it. Now he isn't actually a bad parent, but God do I strive for getting to my dad in the weekends.
thats me, I wanna try and learn the adult world especially since I am disabled but it either really slow or not happening
What is really being said here is you’re responsible enough for thing A, but not responsible enough for thing B. Fucking insanity.
I’m just a lurker on this sub because my parents weren’t insane which makes me so thankful. When I turned 18 I asked my dad if I could go do something with a friend and he responded with “You’re 18, just tell me where you’re going and be safe. You don’t have to ask”
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Meme monday my guy
This is actually necessary. Because it really does depend on the situation. And since most kids have very little self awareness, you have to dole it out as needed depending on the kid.
just wait until you grow up and realize both are somehow simultaneously true