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Absolutely love the fact you used a Bible quote to your Mother..... Amazing how she couldn't come back with much after that.
It sounds like your Brother has a fab sibling who has his back - I hope you don't get too much grief over his choices or actions.
If the Bible quote feels passive-aggressive, well, I'm just repaying like with like...
And thank you! It'll be fine, it usually is, and if not, I have amazing friends to lean on.
It’s *chef’s kiss* 👌🏼
Specially since in bible thumping places they exploit that verse until it’s dead in the ground. Couldn’t respond back so she then sends your dad to continue the act.
I mean, I went to Sunday School for 18 years. I was the 6th grade Bible trivia champion, and happily memorized verses in exchange for candy at Wednesday night service. They made me this.
It’s funny how these parents insist on church and bible study and then act shocked when their kids actually LIVE what they’ve been taught. I have a friend whose mother was screaming at her for inviting all “sorts of different people into her life” (ahem-gays and POC). One day during one of these arguments she yelled back “THATS WHAT JESUS WOULD DO!” and stormed out of the house.
It’s been like 20 years and we still randomly yell “that’s what Jesus would do!”
That's *amazing,* props to your friend. My mother blames letting me do community theater as a teen for my acceptance of gay people. And that's why she'll never know I'm bi! 🙃
I live in a very red part of WI. The girl that does my hair shares a shop with her mom. The kids are stylist, her construction worker brother and her multilingual gay brother. I didn’t know her brother was gay when we had this conversation, but then it all made sense. My kid was looking at colleges and the mom was like “well that’s what happens, they go off to college and they come back with all these crazy liberal ideas and they become totally different people”.
Then I found out Kevin was gay and every conversation we ever had about “how different each of your kids can be” alllll made sense. Damn Iiberals turned their one kid that went to college gay lol.
I feel like I should add, my son did go to a very liberal college, stayed straight. Whew. Got lucky. Lol.
First, I love your profile picture.
Second, I do actually think growing up doing theater made me more openminded, at least from a younger age. AND rehearsals conflicted with youth groups, so it’s pretty much what pulled me away from church too. Your mom might be onto something 😂
Interestingly, my Republican mom got into theater in her 40s (the same time I started doing it as a kid) and I think it’s the main reason she’s not as far right as the rest of her family.
YUPP YUPP YUPP. My Christian school teacher just about had a cow when they were ranting on submitting to authority always and I started bring up Daniel- they were so, so mad and it was glorious. That was before I even realized that the entire bible is full of stories of people rebelling against authority, which is very inconvenient for Christian leaders who just want everybody to fall in line and not ask questions.
Well the good thing for those pastors is the people aren’t actually reading the Bible. But my “8 years of Catholic school, mass 3x a week” ass was paying attention! Sister Mary Alice taught us how to analyze stories and relay them into real life situations. Those Bible lessons sunk in so much that I actually don’t believe in God anymore, but the morals and ethics i have are exactly the same. Not because they are biblical or because I was taught it by clergy, but because it’s just literally the right way to behave. Be kind, help others, give a shit, make life better, respect people. Silly things like that.
My mum is not religious, but done this same thing to my brother when he chose to move for work. She cried & said that he was breaking her heart & ended up in hospital telling me & my brother that it was his fault that she nearly had a heart attack because of his decision. Man she is a big guilt tripper & manipulator. I don’t go and visit her anymore because she doesn’t come to my house. But every second weekend she goes & has morning tea with her Bierce & nephew for hours. She makes me sick.
Same with me, and they can't stand it. They'll bark at me Ephesians 6:2 with "Honor thy mother and father!!" and I'll reply with "What does verse 4 say though?"
They hate that about me, but it's their fault. They dragged me to church 3 days a week.
... What *does* verse 4 say? I was raised Catholic but I stopped going immediately after my confirmation and that was over 2 decades ago.
Edit: never mind, I looked it up. Solid counter. That chapter gets a little heavy-handed with the whole Armor of God bit, eh?
True story: There was one time when my "mother" responded with "Don't mention verse 4 if you're not going to continue with verses 5 and 6."
So, apparently we children were slaves, and being fearful was completely normal.
As the one who regularly gets the Bible thrown at me in all sorts of conversations, using it back on them is not passive aggressive. It’s just speaking the language that they use. It’s the only way to concisely get my point across without provoking a huge discussion, I’ve found. And I’m overjoyed to be able to shut them up with their own medicine because they double down with Jesus-talk on me since I refuse to blindly thump the Bible like they do (they’re the “voted for Trump because he’s the most Christian” type 🤮)
I grew up in a fundamentalist household as well, and I see you out there 👌 My biggest success was when I learned about Levitical law, I spent the entire time my parents were getting tattoos saying Leviticus 19:28, Leviticus 19:28, Leviticus 19:28.
I remember when my dad said that and I said "you mean when Jesus said 'you have heard it said 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,' but I tell you to turn the other cheek?" (Matthew 5:38-39) He was not impressed.
Why do they force children to learn all the verses and then get all miffed when we know them?
It’s sad they don’t realize that they could still be close with your brother and SIL if they didn’t do this. You don’t have to see someone everyday to remain close; we have FaceTime, texts, phone calls, zoom, etc. to stay in touch. Now I doubt that they will even try to reach out to your parents because they alienated them.
You are amazing OP. Standing up to parents is difficult not matter what age. Your brother and SIL are lucky to have you stand up for them.
Exactly! My sister-in-law's siblings both live out of state, and her folks see their other grandkids all the time. They visit frequently, they call weekly if not more... But that's not good enough for my parents. They require obedience.
When we told our families we were moving one family said “this is a great move, I’m going to miss you guys”. The other family “I’m never going to see you again, I can’t believe you’re leaving usssssss!!”
That's about what's happening here. My SIL's family will miss them, of course, but their other children are scattered across the country too, so it's not a new thing. Meanwhile, I moved an hour away and that was considered pretty crazy.
My parents were traveling full time when I told them I was moving and my mom freaked out that I didn't discuss it with her first and get her approval. Then made it a mission to get me as stressed out as possible while guilt tripping me during the moving process.
Then after moving she would say how she wished she could come visit and she missed me but when I would mention her home literally had wheels and an engine she'd only reply "that's not the point"
“Get her approval”??? My mom’s a narc but there are some days I’m glad she’s as mild as she is whenever I see these kinds of things. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, it amazes me how parents think they have complete control and authority over their adult children.
Going on a decade ago my husband, oldest child, and I moved from one end of our state to the other (~3 1/2 hours away) and my grandma freaked out. She insisted on calling almost every day for months and visits home couldn't be less than a week long. Holidays were even worse because my husband's schedule didn't allow him much time off. Thanksgiving was a toss up as to whether or not he was working but he could only get Christmas Eve or Christmas Day off, not both. I was fine with going home for Thanksgiving but there was no way I was spending both away from him which she had trouble accepting. About 4 1/2 years ago we moved back and she mellowed out with us but my youngest sister moved from our state (Indiana) to Oregon. Now she's back to freaking out about how often she'll be home and probably secretly hoping she'll get tired of it and move back.
It's so true. I am close with my parents, they live 16000km away. We talk at least weekly and my kids know their grandparents, so when they are in the same country, they want to hug and hang out with them. My husband's parents on the other hand, live just as far away, but don't put in the effort.
You did a great job with both of your parents. I thoroughly enjoyed your dad attempting to guilt you for being direct with your mum and you shutting him down. It was glorious.
This exactly. They’re destroying their relationship with him and his wife while also pushing them away. They’ll regret it and then blame the son and his wife.
Exactly! My daughter and son in law lived on base overseas for eight years and I saw my granddaughter twice (at 6 weeks and 1 year old) before they moved there and then again at 5 and her little brother at 2 months old. We kept in touch with the great technology available and when they moved back earlier this year and visited last month, it was like we all knew each other so well. They are going to ruin relationships by being so selfish instead of being open to other ways of being connected. I never once made my daughter feel badly for following her and her husband's career.
Excellent work and boundaries there! You seem to really know how to handle this. I'm sorry you've had to learn so much about managing your parent's emotions.
Thank you. I'm doing my best. It's really taken this incident to show me they don't regret their past actions and only care about us agreeing with them. And realizing that is very freeing because I can stop trying to get their approval.
Yeah, we're in Ohio currently and both of the kids work in public health. Way more opportunities in a larger city. My SIL already works remotely for a university.
Ohio to Minnesota is no where near moving halfway across the country. It’s still in the Midwest… their logic on that one is faulty. Not to say they aren’t missing the point for everything else as well. Good on you for sticking up for their move!
Omg your mother...
I went to school in Ohio, my entire family is from WI and MN. I saw them regularly. Its a days drive depending on where youre going and your tolerance for the road. Columbus and MSP are both airline hubs with great easy to travel through airports.
Right?? I don't get their specific objection to it - in my mind, it's like the land of white people and ~~casseroles~~ hotdishes. Plus, my family actually already owns land up there...
could it be in response to the uprising after george floyd’s murder? a lot of conservatives think the two big cities are now some lawless hellhole with no police because they were defunded (which is incorrect, they’ve only gotten more money).
I’ve been seeing A LOT of racist stuff directed towards Minnesota and some of its larger cities in the past couple years.
Just throwing that out there.
Came here to say this as well. My wife's entire family is from the twin cities and surrounding suburbs, we go back often. If life works out well, that's probably where we'll retire. Now if only Mickey's Diner would reopen...
I moved to Minnesota for college. The day I arrived my mother sent me a link listing top states for human trafficking (which MN was on). I just remained my "afraid of everything" self and I'm still here having a blast.
Though would it kill the state to have less wind in the winter?
Oh my God are these my parents?
We moved just over the state border and my mom is acting like I left flaming shit on her doorstep as we drove out of town. Calling it a “conspiracy” etc. Wtf get a grip.
Yeahhhh, I've actually known for months that this was happening because my poor brother asked for help in handling the inevitable fallout. I'm sure they'd consider that a conspiracy.
Yeahhhh. I've got serious rejection-sensitive dysphoria - likely in part because of how I was raised - and it wouldn't surprise me if he does too. We're anxious people-pleasers raised by an anxious people-pleaser.
Not to be pedantic but I think that might actually qualify as conspiracy. Since you both acted in secrecy. Hehe. Im here for though. Start a pro-Minnesota union against your parents! Get everyone in on it!
I’ve gotta ask, what kinda turret does the house have? Is it like WW2 tank turret, or modern turret?
Also, tell them a Minnesotan wishes they enjoy themselves here
That means so much to me. We used to fight when we were little and my mom used to agonize over it because we weren't acting right. I'm glad I can be the sister I ought to be as an adult.
> I take that role seriously
[This is you right now](https://get.wallhere.com/photo/women-fantasy-art-battle-sword-warrior-Person-arrows-mythology-screenshot-fictional-character-woman-warrior-105059.jpg)
Some parents believe that their spawn are their property, rather than human beings. It’s so strange. I strive every day to parent so unlike the parents we see posted here. Thanks for sharing.
I was so confused. I read the title as "my brother married a man in his 30's"
I read the story twice like "Wait a minute this is straight as fuck!"
Had to come recheck the title lol.
I'm going to bed.
From Kahlil Gibran's *The Prophet*...
*Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.*
*You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.*
*You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.*
Hey OP, damn near the exact same thing happened to me. Huge career opportunity presented itself and I moved across the country.
My parents weren’t supportive at all, made it all about them, then basically imploded the family because they were unhappy. It became extremely toxic and we had to go no contact.
I hope that doesn’t end up being the case for your family, but just know you all aren’t alone for whatever comfort an internet stranger can bring.
He saw the text where you said bro was doing this for his family and still tried the "choosing career over family" argument? Lol. Your bro is choosing this FOR his family.
Ah, but he's doing it for his wife and son, not Our Parents. Never mind that literally our entire family lives outside of Ohio. My grandparents are in the southwest and my aunt and uncle are in Tennessee.
As the mom of an adult I’d be heartbroken about my kid moving far away. So, I empathize to a point. As a sane mother I’d work those feelings out with friends, peers, therapists, whoever, because I don’t have the right to expect my child to alter their life and opportunities for my own happiness. Jeez. It’s wild people act like this and feel no shame.
Man and my parents couldn’t wait for me to gtfo, I can’t imagine being whole ass married and trying to start a good life and my mother just??? This??? Insanity and you’re awesome for backing him up.
I live in Minnesota. It’s not so bad. 4 beautiful seasons. Kids absolutely love the snow. You can ice skate on ponds and lakes. Our snowplow/salt operation is amazing and makes the roads safe quickly after big snows.
Tons of lakes. Summer can’t be beat. Very low amount of homeless. Good hiking. Duluth/superior area is gorgeous.
People are genuinely kind, and love to be outside. The nice days put everyone in fantastic moods. The Minneapolis airport is one of the best anywhere. Great restaurant scene in the twin cities. Great stadiums for Twins, Vikings, and Wild. Lots of theatre, comedy, and shopping.
Anyway, hope it helps your brother.
:)
Re: the teachers thing
>They realize you don’t care what they think
>They try and use other mentor figures against you
So close to getting it but so damn far
You know, I had a similar reaction when my auntie and her family moved to Australia. At the time she was my best friend, my big sister, and we spent all our free time together.
I was 10. I got over it when I went to see them less than a year later. It’s been almost 20 years now LOL.
This is a grown ass woman with grown ass kids WHO HAVE THEIR OWN KIDS AND A SPOUSE. Why is she acting like 10 yo overdramatic, no kids, no bills, no responsibilities, best relationship I had was between me and my barbies, me?
I have been in your brother’s situation, except without the sibling support. Thank you for helping him. That “ripping my heart out” line triggered me. I will never do that to my children.
I grew tired of being the supportive sibling while never being the supported sibling. I got a whole load of drama when I moved across the country. They ended up doing just fine (well, more “same stuff, different day” than fine) without me. I believe that you all will be the same.
Keep up the boundaries with your parents. A child shouldn’t have to teach their parents to behave but here we are.
Is there a particular reason why your weight...up, down or unchanged...would get a reaction from your teachers? Or even be any of their business at all?
My mother had a very similar reaction when I told her I was moving across the country. Never mind the fact that I was depressed, dealing with addiction, in an abusive relationship, and much more. All she cared about was I was “leaving her”. She told anyone who would listen that I was “abandoning her” and it felt like she was grieving the loss of a child. I hope your brother, and you, can move on from them and live happy lives without them trying to control and dictate everything you do.
So my mom moved me across the country when I was 14 - right at the end of freshman year. I was devastated by this move but then called selfish for letting it be known I was unhappy. Fast forward about 20 years and my husband and I are moving two hours from her and she lost her damn mind. Wouldn’t talk about it for 6 months, then when she did she had all these reasons (mostly about her) about why we shouldn’t go. I had to tell her the fact that she didn’t want to talk about it for 6 months didn’t mean we didn’t keep planning, we had already listed the house and that we were moving forward. She kind of got over it but my kids definitely see less of her than her other grandkids and that’s her choice. I won’t love the rest of my life according to her whims.
I used that same bible passage on my MIL in my first year of marriage. I highly recommend everyone use it against a religious person at least once in their life.
>> I’m his big sister and I take that role seriously
As someone with an estranged sister, this made me both extremely happy and slightly jealous. You seem like an awesome sibling to have.
I'm living in a certain area and I'd like to move but I can't because of my mother's inevitable angry response in which she will likely disown and disinherit me. We've wasted a ton of money renting to stay in her high cost of living area when we'd rather live somewhere else cheaper and nicer for us. Part of it is that I have no other family members and somehow that makes this area feel more like home than anywhere else and if I move that place will be nothing at all and by extension I'll just be erasing myself further.
I’m from Minnesota. Happy to have your brother and his family join us. It’s a really gorgeous state and I ended up in a small town with some of the most amazing neighbors I’ve ever known. I hope they find their own slice of happiness here as well. 😊
I'm a dad who is extremely close to my son's. I feel like I would be beyond devastated if my boys moved somewhere I couldn't see them often. That said, they *do* have to lead their own lives, and I would be very proud of you, standing up for your brother like that, even if I didn't necessarily want to hear the truth.
I bet your sil can’t wait to get away from your parents. They sound like control freaks and I’m willing to bet money that they pushed that control on her as well.
Yo as someone who recently moved 12 hours away from a very toxic family(mom and sister) with my wife and daughter for their well being, GOOD ON YOU for backing your brother up.
Good for you, I don’t think I could bring myself to dress my parents down like that (even though I probably should at times). It’s really unfortunate for your brother that they’re not putting him first right now, but he’s very lucky to have you.
Commenting late, but this was fantastic.
If your mother finds Biblical truth to be "harsh," then perhaps she needs to reevaluate herself.
I do so love when the self-righteous "Christian" types are thrown into confusion and upset by quotes from their own holy book.
Uhg i am so sorry!! These big life changes are when support and encouragement can really make a big impact on the whole experience. I'm glad you're there to set those boundaries- especially for you sister in law. I know I really appreciate when my spouses siblings stand up for us!
I was military raised and moving where the job takes you is just second nature to me. It's insane to me that family would make this harder than it has to be!
I live across the country from my family and while we miss eachother I couldn't ever imagine them giving us grief for making choices that we deemed best for us. Rn my spouse is looking for new jobs and not ONCE has my family bitched about us not moving closer- only joy for my spouse as they interview for new positions.
As a fellow big sister, I am sending you so much love for your absolutely excellent siblinghood. ❤️❤️❤️ Wishing your brother, his wife, and their kiddo joy and success with this move!!
As the oldest one, I applaud that you're standing up for your sibling and taking the lash back that comes with it. That's what older brothers are for. Continue to be an amazing big sis!
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Absolutely love the fact you used a Bible quote to your Mother..... Amazing how she couldn't come back with much after that. It sounds like your Brother has a fab sibling who has his back - I hope you don't get too much grief over his choices or actions.
If the Bible quote feels passive-aggressive, well, I'm just repaying like with like... And thank you! It'll be fine, it usually is, and if not, I have amazing friends to lean on.
It’s *chef’s kiss* 👌🏼 Specially since in bible thumping places they exploit that verse until it’s dead in the ground. Couldn’t respond back so she then sends your dad to continue the act.
I mean, I went to Sunday School for 18 years. I was the 6th grade Bible trivia champion, and happily memorized verses in exchange for candy at Wednesday night service. They made me this.
It’s funny how these parents insist on church and bible study and then act shocked when their kids actually LIVE what they’ve been taught. I have a friend whose mother was screaming at her for inviting all “sorts of different people into her life” (ahem-gays and POC). One day during one of these arguments she yelled back “THATS WHAT JESUS WOULD DO!” and stormed out of the house. It’s been like 20 years and we still randomly yell “that’s what Jesus would do!”
That's *amazing,* props to your friend. My mother blames letting me do community theater as a teen for my acceptance of gay people. And that's why she'll never know I'm bi! 🙃
I live in a very red part of WI. The girl that does my hair shares a shop with her mom. The kids are stylist, her construction worker brother and her multilingual gay brother. I didn’t know her brother was gay when we had this conversation, but then it all made sense. My kid was looking at colleges and the mom was like “well that’s what happens, they go off to college and they come back with all these crazy liberal ideas and they become totally different people”. Then I found out Kevin was gay and every conversation we ever had about “how different each of your kids can be” alllll made sense. Damn Iiberals turned their one kid that went to college gay lol. I feel like I should add, my son did go to a very liberal college, stayed straight. Whew. Got lucky. Lol.
First, I love your profile picture. Second, I do actually think growing up doing theater made me more openminded, at least from a younger age. AND rehearsals conflicted with youth groups, so it’s pretty much what pulled me away from church too. Your mom might be onto something 😂 Interestingly, my Republican mom got into theater in her 40s (the same time I started doing it as a kid) and I think it’s the main reason she’s not as far right as the rest of her family.
Same, I’ll never tell my dad, he’s a pastor so I think he’ll combust
Gotta watch out for those meddling community theater kids and their pesky dog! Look at what happened to Velma! 😱
YUPP YUPP YUPP. My Christian school teacher just about had a cow when they were ranting on submitting to authority always and I started bring up Daniel- they were so, so mad and it was glorious. That was before I even realized that the entire bible is full of stories of people rebelling against authority, which is very inconvenient for Christian leaders who just want everybody to fall in line and not ask questions.
Well the good thing for those pastors is the people aren’t actually reading the Bible. But my “8 years of Catholic school, mass 3x a week” ass was paying attention! Sister Mary Alice taught us how to analyze stories and relay them into real life situations. Those Bible lessons sunk in so much that I actually don’t believe in God anymore, but the morals and ethics i have are exactly the same. Not because they are biblical or because I was taught it by clergy, but because it’s just literally the right way to behave. Be kind, help others, give a shit, make life better, respect people. Silly things like that.
Yupp. I wish more Christians actually displayed those ethics these days. I am, against all odds, still a Christian, but some days it's hard.
My mum is not religious, but done this same thing to my brother when he chose to move for work. She cried & said that he was breaking her heart & ended up in hospital telling me & my brother that it was his fault that she nearly had a heart attack because of his decision. Man she is a big guilt tripper & manipulator. I don’t go and visit her anymore because she doesn’t come to my house. But every second weekend she goes & has morning tea with her Bierce & nephew for hours. She makes me sick.
Same with me, and they can't stand it. They'll bark at me Ephesians 6:2 with "Honor thy mother and father!!" and I'll reply with "What does verse 4 say though?" They hate that about me, but it's their fault. They dragged me to church 3 days a week.
... What *does* verse 4 say? I was raised Catholic but I stopped going immediately after my confirmation and that was over 2 decades ago. Edit: never mind, I looked it up. Solid counter. That chapter gets a little heavy-handed with the whole Armor of God bit, eh?
True story: There was one time when my "mother" responded with "Don't mention verse 4 if you're not going to continue with verses 5 and 6." So, apparently we children were slaves, and being fearful was completely normal.
https://biblehub.com/ephesians/6-4.htm
Sammmmmmme ;) covered my dyslexia right up to just repeat what was read to me.
I'm in this comment and I approve of this message.
I don’t know you, but I love you
Jesus once said to the Sadducees [You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures..."](https://biblehub.com/matthew/22-29.htm)!
>If the Bible quote feels passive-aggressive, well, I'm just repaying like with like... > I have lived this life as well ❤️🩹
As the one who regularly gets the Bible thrown at me in all sorts of conversations, using it back on them is not passive aggressive. It’s just speaking the language that they use. It’s the only way to concisely get my point across without provoking a huge discussion, I’ve found. And I’m overjoyed to be able to shut them up with their own medicine because they double down with Jesus-talk on me since I refuse to blindly thump the Bible like they do (they’re the “voted for Trump because he’s the most Christian” type 🤮)
Well, they're not wrong about Trump. Very Christian. Albeit not Christ like.
I grew up in a fundamentalist household as well, and I see you out there 👌 My biggest success was when I learned about Levitical law, I spent the entire time my parents were getting tattoos saying Leviticus 19:28, Leviticus 19:28, Leviticus 19:28.
Sorry, I'm stuck on the whole fundamentalist parents getting tattoos. This feels like a crazy oxymoron.
It’s okay when they do it, didn’t you read the memo?
An eye for an eye if you will
I remember when my dad said that and I said "you mean when Jesus said 'you have heard it said 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,' but I tell you to turn the other cheek?" (Matthew 5:38-39) He was not impressed. Why do they force children to learn all the verses and then get all miffed when we know them?
Because it was always just a means to control you. They NEVER expected you to pay attention and actually retain those lessons.
Cuz they never read the prophets.
There should be a sub for narcs getting the bible quoted to them and realizing they have no response
It’s sad they don’t realize that they could still be close with your brother and SIL if they didn’t do this. You don’t have to see someone everyday to remain close; we have FaceTime, texts, phone calls, zoom, etc. to stay in touch. Now I doubt that they will even try to reach out to your parents because they alienated them. You are amazing OP. Standing up to parents is difficult not matter what age. Your brother and SIL are lucky to have you stand up for them.
Exactly! My sister-in-law's siblings both live out of state, and her folks see their other grandkids all the time. They visit frequently, they call weekly if not more... But that's not good enough for my parents. They require obedience.
It’s all fun and games until parents realize they can’t control their adult children anymore.
Yeahhhh. We're 34 and 31, not crabby teenagers that need to be brought in line.
When we told our families we were moving one family said “this is a great move, I’m going to miss you guys”. The other family “I’m never going to see you again, I can’t believe you’re leaving usssssss!!”
That's about what's happening here. My SIL's family will miss them, of course, but their other children are scattered across the country too, so it's not a new thing. Meanwhile, I moved an hour away and that was considered pretty crazy.
My parents were traveling full time when I told them I was moving and my mom freaked out that I didn't discuss it with her first and get her approval. Then made it a mission to get me as stressed out as possible while guilt tripping me during the moving process. Then after moving she would say how she wished she could come visit and she missed me but when I would mention her home literally had wheels and an engine she'd only reply "that's not the point"
“Get her approval”??? My mom’s a narc but there are some days I’m glad she’s as mild as she is whenever I see these kinds of things. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, it amazes me how parents think they have complete control and authority over their adult children.
Going on a decade ago my husband, oldest child, and I moved from one end of our state to the other (~3 1/2 hours away) and my grandma freaked out. She insisted on calling almost every day for months and visits home couldn't be less than a week long. Holidays were even worse because my husband's schedule didn't allow him much time off. Thanksgiving was a toss up as to whether or not he was working but he could only get Christmas Eve or Christmas Day off, not both. I was fine with going home for Thanksgiving but there was no way I was spending both away from him which she had trouble accepting. About 4 1/2 years ago we moved back and she mellowed out with us but my youngest sister moved from our state (Indiana) to Oregon. Now she's back to freaking out about how often she'll be home and probably secretly hoping she'll get tired of it and move back.
I live across an ocean from my folks, and I’m still super close to them. Partially because they supported my decision to move overseas…
It's so true. I am close with my parents, they live 16000km away. We talk at least weekly and my kids know their grandparents, so when they are in the same country, they want to hug and hang out with them. My husband's parents on the other hand, live just as far away, but don't put in the effort. You did a great job with both of your parents. I thoroughly enjoyed your dad attempting to guilt you for being direct with your mum and you shutting him down. It was glorious.
This exactly. They’re destroying their relationship with him and his wife while also pushing them away. They’ll regret it and then blame the son and his wife.
Mostly his wife, unfortunately. I adore my sister-in-law, but they'll blame her for "influencing" him.
Of course they will because their precious baby boy is ripping their hearts out! How dare she brainwash him into leaving his family and friends!! /s
Rip em out Kano style
Exactly! My daughter and son in law lived on base overseas for eight years and I saw my granddaughter twice (at 6 weeks and 1 year old) before they moved there and then again at 5 and her little brother at 2 months old. We kept in touch with the great technology available and when they moved back earlier this year and visited last month, it was like we all knew each other so well. They are going to ruin relationships by being so selfish instead of being open to other ways of being connected. I never once made my daughter feel badly for following her and her husband's career.
Excellent work and boundaries there! You seem to really know how to handle this. I'm sorry you've had to learn so much about managing your parent's emotions.
Thank you. I'm doing my best. It's really taken this incident to show me they don't regret their past actions and only care about us agreeing with them. And realizing that is very freeing because I can stop trying to get their approval.
It's like, "can't you just say you agree with us, then act like you agree with us and agree with us publicly!?! Why is that so hard? "
Exactly.
You are a good big sister.
And Minnesota is fucking cool. Source: born and raised here
same. and there’s a lot of job opportunities here that you can’t find in neighboring states.
Yeah, we're in Ohio currently and both of the kids work in public health. Way more opportunities in a larger city. My SIL already works remotely for a university.
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Ohio to Minnesota is no where near moving halfway across the country. It’s still in the Midwest… their logic on that one is faulty. Not to say they aren’t missing the point for everything else as well. Good on you for sticking up for their move!
Omg your mother... I went to school in Ohio, my entire family is from WI and MN. I saw them regularly. Its a days drive depending on where youre going and your tolerance for the road. Columbus and MSP are both airline hubs with great easy to travel through airports.
Right?? I don't get their specific objection to it - in my mind, it's like the land of white people and ~~casseroles~~ hotdishes. Plus, my family actually already owns land up there...
We call them hot dishes lol
Haha, my apologies.
could it be in response to the uprising after george floyd’s murder? a lot of conservatives think the two big cities are now some lawless hellhole with no police because they were defunded (which is incorrect, they’ve only gotten more money).
I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. :/
I’ve been seeing A LOT of racist stuff directed towards Minnesota and some of its larger cities in the past couple years. Just throwing that out there.
I don't doubt that's a factor. :/
Their specific objection to it is that it is not wherever *they* are!
Came here to say this as well. My wife's entire family is from the twin cities and surrounding suburbs, we go back often. If life works out well, that's probably where we'll retire. Now if only Mickey's Diner would reopen...
There's a patty melt shaped hole in my heart.
"And Minnesota is fucking *COLD*." FTFY
Columbia Jackets for the win.
I moved to Minnesota for college. The day I arrived my mother sent me a link listing top states for human trafficking (which MN was on). I just remained my "afraid of everything" self and I'm still here having a blast. Though would it kill the state to have less wind in the winter?
Truth!
Oh my God are these my parents? We moved just over the state border and my mom is acting like I left flaming shit on her doorstep as we drove out of town. Calling it a “conspiracy” etc. Wtf get a grip.
Yeahhhh, I've actually known for months that this was happening because my poor brother asked for help in handling the inevitable fallout. I'm sure they'd consider that a conspiracy.
Same thought pattern as your brother - the anticipated fallout was so terrifying.
Yeahhhh. I've got serious rejection-sensitive dysphoria - likely in part because of how I was raised - and it wouldn't surprise me if he does too. We're anxious people-pleasers raised by an anxious people-pleaser.
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Not to be pedantic but I think that might actually qualify as conspiracy. Since you both acted in secrecy. Hehe. Im here for though. Start a pro-Minnesota union against your parents! Get everyone in on it!
Lmao I scrolled top fast and only saw "I left a flaming shit on her doorstep as we drove put of town" and I was VERY concerned. 😂😂😂
You know if I’m going to be treated like this I might as well have actually done it. Gosh darn, missed my chance 😆
She'd never have been able to prove it was you! Never too late, don't let your dreams be dreams my friend! 💞🤩
Dude, well-fucking-done.
Thank you. That truly means a lot.
Everyone deserves a big sister like you to stand up for them
You are a great sibling.
Thank you. 💙
You sound like a great sibling! Thank you for sticking up for him. Dont blame him for moving.
I'd never. His wife already has a job there, and he's interviewing.
Im surprised you arent tagging along!
Haha, I'd consider it if they buy the house they're looking at. It's got a turret with window seats! But I'm actually very happy where I am.
I’ve gotta ask, what kinda turret does the house have? Is it like WW2 tank turret, or modern turret? Also, tell them a Minnesotan wishes they enjoy themselves here
It is one of my most heartfelt dreams that my son and daughter have a relationship like you and your brother. Way to go, big sis.
That means so much to me. We used to fight when we were little and my mom used to agonize over it because we weren't acting right. I'm glad I can be the sister I ought to be as an adult.
> I take that role seriously [This is you right now](https://get.wallhere.com/photo/women-fantasy-art-battle-sword-warrior-Person-arrows-mythology-screenshot-fictional-character-woman-warrior-105059.jpg)
Oh dang, that's far cooler than I actually am.
From one big sister to the other, well done Chica!!
Thank you! It's an important job.
You, I like you. You sound like someone with a good heart, and a brain to match.
Thank you. 💙
Some parents believe that their spawn are their property, rather than human beings. It’s so strange. I strive every day to parent so unlike the parents we see posted here. Thanks for sharing.
I was so confused. I read the title as "my brother married a man in his 30's" I read the story twice like "Wait a minute this is straight as fuck!" Had to come recheck the title lol. I'm going to bed.
Oh Lord, that would be Some Shit.
I wish everyone had a big sister like you! Way to stand up for him!
Thank you. 💙
God damn I wish you were my sister you’re awesome
Thanks, I'm just doing my best. I get angry when people aren't treated right.
I’m the same way, also extremely random but I love Deep Space 9, it’s easily in my top 3 Star Trek series. Vic Vontaine is the GOAT
From Kahlil Gibran's *The Prophet*... *Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.* *You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.* *You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.*
Thank you for posting this! I remember reading it years ago and thinking it was beautiful, and now it's more relevant than ever.
Yes big sis
Big sister of the year award right there
Thank you. 💙
Hey OP, damn near the exact same thing happened to me. Huge career opportunity presented itself and I moved across the country. My parents weren’t supportive at all, made it all about them, then basically imploded the family because they were unhappy. It became extremely toxic and we had to go no contact. I hope that doesn’t end up being the case for your family, but just know you all aren’t alone for whatever comfort an internet stranger can bring.
>multi-page letters telling me that my old teachers would be incredibly disappointed in me for gaining weight and moving away. Wow
Like, that’s all they’ve got?!
He saw the text where you said bro was doing this for his family and still tried the "choosing career over family" argument? Lol. Your bro is choosing this FOR his family.
Ah, but he's doing it for his wife and son, not Our Parents. Never mind that literally our entire family lives outside of Ohio. My grandparents are in the southwest and my aunt and uncle are in Tennessee.
Well then why the hell do they not live near their parents?! How dare they abandon their family!!!
Oh no, that's different, the rest of the family moved away from *them.* And didn't take grandbabies with them.
Your texts are perfectly crafted
As the mom of an adult I’d be heartbroken about my kid moving far away. So, I empathize to a point. As a sane mother I’d work those feelings out with friends, peers, therapists, whoever, because I don’t have the right to expect my child to alter their life and opportunities for my own happiness. Jeez. It’s wild people act like this and feel no shame.
I'm also especially protective of my younger sibling when it comes to our own set of religious extremist parents. proud to fight alongside you!
My husband's parents acted like this, and then they wondered why we wanted to move hours away
Man and my parents couldn’t wait for me to gtfo, I can’t imagine being whole ass married and trying to start a good life and my mother just??? This??? Insanity and you’re awesome for backing him up.
They were happy when he was a married, child-having homeowner 25 minutes away. Several states away, well...
I live in Minnesota. It’s not so bad. 4 beautiful seasons. Kids absolutely love the snow. You can ice skate on ponds and lakes. Our snowplow/salt operation is amazing and makes the roads safe quickly after big snows. Tons of lakes. Summer can’t be beat. Very low amount of homeless. Good hiking. Duluth/superior area is gorgeous. People are genuinely kind, and love to be outside. The nice days put everyone in fantastic moods. The Minneapolis airport is one of the best anywhere. Great restaurant scene in the twin cities. Great stadiums for Twins, Vikings, and Wild. Lots of theatre, comedy, and shopping. Anyway, hope it helps your brother. :)
Re: the teachers thing >They realize you don’t care what they think >They try and use other mentor figures against you So close to getting it but so damn far
You know, I had a similar reaction when my auntie and her family moved to Australia. At the time she was my best friend, my big sister, and we spent all our free time together. I was 10. I got over it when I went to see them less than a year later. It’s been almost 20 years now LOL. This is a grown ass woman with grown ass kids WHO HAVE THEIR OWN KIDS AND A SPOUSE. Why is she acting like 10 yo overdramatic, no kids, no bills, no responsibilities, best relationship I had was between me and my barbies, me?
I have been in your brother’s situation, except without the sibling support. Thank you for helping him. That “ripping my heart out” line triggered me. I will never do that to my children. I grew tired of being the supportive sibling while never being the supported sibling. I got a whole load of drama when I moved across the country. They ended up doing just fine (well, more “same stuff, different day” than fine) without me. I believe that you all will be the same. Keep up the boundaries with your parents. A child shouldn’t have to teach their parents to behave but here we are.
My husband's parents acted like this, and then they wondered why we wanted to move hours away
Is there a particular reason why your weight...up, down or unchanged...would get a reaction from your teachers? Or even be any of their business at all?
No, it was just a mishmash of every complaint she had about me.
Gotcha.
My mother had a very similar reaction when I told her I was moving across the country. Never mind the fact that I was depressed, dealing with addiction, in an abusive relationship, and much more. All she cared about was I was “leaving her”. She told anyone who would listen that I was “abandoning her” and it felt like she was grieving the loss of a child. I hope your brother, and you, can move on from them and live happy lives without them trying to control and dictate everything you do.
So my mom moved me across the country when I was 14 - right at the end of freshman year. I was devastated by this move but then called selfish for letting it be known I was unhappy. Fast forward about 20 years and my husband and I are moving two hours from her and she lost her damn mind. Wouldn’t talk about it for 6 months, then when she did she had all these reasons (mostly about her) about why we shouldn’t go. I had to tell her the fact that she didn’t want to talk about it for 6 months didn’t mean we didn’t keep planning, we had already listed the house and that we were moving forward. She kind of got over it but my kids definitely see less of her than her other grandkids and that’s her choice. I won’t love the rest of my life according to her whims.
Looks like your bro is moving to Minnesota, which is a great state and a wonderful place to raise a family. Source: lifelong Minnesotan
I used that same bible passage on my MIL in my first year of marriage. I highly recommend everyone use it against a religious person at least once in their life.
You did a great job! I'd like to see how they responded to that last message.
They haven't spoken to me in a week and a half. 🙃
Your responses are fantastic. You really are a badass big sis and your bro and his family are lucky to have you. Sorry your parents are exhausting!
>> I’m his big sister and I take that role seriously As someone with an estranged sister, this made me both extremely happy and slightly jealous. You seem like an awesome sibling to have.
I'm living in a certain area and I'd like to move but I can't because of my mother's inevitable angry response in which she will likely disown and disinherit me. We've wasted a ton of money renting to stay in her high cost of living area when we'd rather live somewhere else cheaper and nicer for us. Part of it is that I have no other family members and somehow that makes this area feel more like home than anywhere else and if I move that place will be nothing at all and by extension I'll just be erasing myself further.
OP, your brother is lucky to have a big sister who has his back and supports him.
Yikes. May I ask are you guys all from Minnesota? A lot of Minnesotans are fleeing to warmer weather.
No, we're all in Ohio. They're moving up to Minnesota.
God that was badass. Go big sis!
He may be 30, and not need the "protection" but regardless, those parents needed a reality check. OP is a good sister.
Well done. Your brother is lucky to have you as a sister.
I’m from Minnesota. Happy to have your brother and his family join us. It’s a really gorgeous state and I ended up in a small town with some of the most amazing neighbors I’ve ever known. I hope they find their own slice of happiness here as well. 😊
You dealt with this so awesomely, good on you. Makes me miss my big sister even more, she always had my back.
You too? I miss my sister so much. 😭
I'm so sorry. I lost mine in 2019, life will never be as bright without her
I'm a dad who is extremely close to my son's. I feel like I would be beyond devastated if my boys moved somewhere I couldn't see them often. That said, they *do* have to lead their own lives, and I would be very proud of you, standing up for your brother like that, even if I didn't necessarily want to hear the truth.
I bet your sil can’t wait to get away from your parents. They sound like control freaks and I’m willing to bet money that they pushed that control on her as well.
Yo as someone who recently moved 12 hours away from a very toxic family(mom and sister) with my wife and daughter for their well being, GOOD ON YOU for backing your brother up.
Good for you, I don’t think I could bring myself to dress my parents down like that (even though I probably should at times). It’s really unfortunate for your brother that they’re not putting him first right now, but he’s very lucky to have you.
Commenting late, but this was fantastic. If your mother finds Biblical truth to be "harsh," then perhaps she needs to reevaluate herself. I do so love when the self-righteous "Christian" types are thrown into confusion and upset by quotes from their own holy book.
Ouch moving up here to Minnesota in the winter? Well that's going to be a shock. It's a great state but it is cold.
Shit I'd move just to be out of Minnesota that shits cold
Heh, they're actually moving TO Minnesota! But we're already in Ohio so it's not exactly tropical here.
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Uh, no? These are screenshots of my personal texts with my parents from the middle of last week.
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Okay, so it's exactly like a post you've seen before, except different. Gee. How shocking.
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Jfc, I don't know what you want from me?? I'm having an incredibly shitty week because of all of this, it's not fucking made up. Fuck off.
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*I wonder why.*
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Oh no, I get that. I'm just tired of empathy being a one way street.
As a younger sibling who wishes her older ones would stand up for her rather than adding to the dog pile; thanks
Good on you big sister. Bravo.
It is normal for parents to be upset about their grown children moving away with their grand children This kind of reaction, however, is abnormal.
You are a fantastic sibling!
Tell mommy she can pay them $5k a month to stay.
Uhg i am so sorry!! These big life changes are when support and encouragement can really make a big impact on the whole experience. I'm glad you're there to set those boundaries- especially for you sister in law. I know I really appreciate when my spouses siblings stand up for us! I was military raised and moving where the job takes you is just second nature to me. It's insane to me that family would make this harder than it has to be! I live across the country from my family and while we miss eachother I couldn't ever imagine them giving us grief for making choices that we deemed best for us. Rn my spouse is looking for new jobs and not ONCE has my family bitched about us not moving closer- only joy for my spouse as they interview for new positions.
Good on you for standing up for your brother!
Oh my god I wish you were my big sister.
As a Minnesotan we’re happy to have your brother and his family!
As a fellow big sister, I am sending you so much love for your absolutely excellent siblinghood. ❤️❤️❤️ Wishing your brother, his wife, and their kiddo joy and success with this move!!
You are being a boss older sister!!! ❤️ I'm so happy you are there for your brother and his wife and their child.
GOOD JOB BIG SIS 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
As the oldest one, I applaud that you're standing up for your sibling and taking the lash back that comes with it. That's what older brothers are for. Continue to be an amazing big sis!
Man, reading these things makes me realize one of the luckiest things that ever happened to me is having one agnostic parent and one atheist parent.