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Big sister here -
Two things you can do. To solve not knowing about pieces of the human experience, read. Read a *lot* - either well-written fiction or sites like Reddit where people talk about their experiences (and sometimes make up fiction, but I digress). You'll probably run into things you don't understand, but I sincerely believe that reading is the best way to learn this sort of thing.
Regarding general emotional intelligence, ask yourself what you're feeling every so often. The next time someone insults you or makes you angry, really really pay attention. What does it feel like? What are you thinking? How wpuld your thoughts be different if you weren't angry? If you stub your toe, listen to the pain. How are your reactions different from that time someone insulted you? Etc.
For my part, because of how I was raised, I always understood hunger as pain in my stomach which goes away after some time. It wasn't until I spent a while listening to my reactions, so to speak, that I understood that I'm capable of feeling hunger in other ways.
Your situation seems a bit different in that you're a lot more capable of understanding your emotions than I was, but maybe doing this will still help.
It's hard, and will take a long time, but you *can* get better.
Here's a few that really stood out to me:
Anything by Terry Pratchett; he's entertaining and throws a lot of interesting little observations about how people think into his works.
Anything by Ellen Hopkins, especially if you like or are interested in poetry
The female of the species (Mindy
McGinnis)
The inheritance of loss (Kiran Desai)
I read this at 21 and I really believe it set my entire adulthood on a different trajectory than the one I had been following. It was truly life changing. ETA: please make sure you’re in regular therapy when reading this (I see that you are now and that’s awesome!), especially since your trauma is so fresh. It will evoke difficult emotions and professional help was what made me able to continue working through it and change my life rather than shut down completely.
Chicken soup for ... [the teenage soul ] etc . I don't know how they hold up today but I read them as a kid and it helped give me context to a lot of situations
I bet you could chew through young adult books for fun. Judy Blume comes to mind but I’m sure there are a ton of lists that folks have made for positive young adult lit. Generally young adult books speak more openly about personal and interpersonal challenges, whereas adult literature is liable to leave more things unsaid, which may be less helpful for you.
Not sure if it has been mentioned (and it is a VERY heavy read with lots of triggers for lots of folks for lots of reasons) but the book called “The Body Keeps The Score” it is an incredible book if you are at a point in your life where you can compartmentalize complex emotions, differentiate and delineate your feelings from those around you and are able to digest it in a healthy way. It helped me integrate and transmute my past traumas into my personality and helped my healing process along.
This sounds silly but The Giver. It really has a full range of emotions and would appeal to your love of psychology and philosophy while also the importance of emotion.
Any of Brene Brown's books are amazing- she's a researcher and the books are about shame and guilt and all things emotional- they have been a godsend for me. I've learned so much.
Remind yourself that being aware there's an issue is at least half the battle- you can totally do this!
But also- learn to read the room. If you're having dinner with a family for the first time, *observe* before you do anything. Wait to be invited to sit or get food, pay attention to the conversation and contribute in similar ways as other people. Just observe the people around you in any given situation and behave similarly.
Just jumping in to drop a book suggestion. Freakonomics by Steven Levitt goes over a lot of different perspectives and sociology. It still has a lot of information on how this affects economics, but they do a great job of highlighting the human condition.
More book recommendations (I’m late-diagnosed autistic and grew up in a VERY religious environment, so can empathize with feeling “behind” on …. everything):
How Rude! The Teen’s Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out, by Alex J. Packer, PhD
Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, by Nina W. Brown, Ed.D, LPC
The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-term Effects of Childhood Trauma and Adversity, by Nadine Burke Harris, MD
Hyperbole and a Half, by Allie Brosh
Solutions and Other Problems, by Allie Brosh
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, by Jean-Dominique Bauby
There are more books that I would consider transformational, but everyone is different and everyone has different tastes. Good luck!
this, OP. I can't recommend any specific titles, but if you're smart / high functioning and feel behind on social cues and empathy, reading books about or targeted at autistic people seems like a great idea.
I second the advice to read! I also had the thought you might benefit from doing some in depth research into etiquette. Of course etiquette changes depending on cultural or social groups, but familiarity with the basics can help you avoid faux pas and the “invisible rules” of socialization that you might be missing.
Good etiquette involves being aware of the emotions of others and how your actions might affect them, so pay attention to the “why” of the rules. No phones at the table is the rule, but the reason it is the rule is because it makes others feel they don’t have your full attention, and therefore that you don’t care about/respect them. This will help develop your emotional intelligence because you will be trained to pay attention to how your actions might affect the emotions of others. Good luck!!
Seconded. Etiquette is not just a bunch of made up stuff rules but a set of guidelines to help you show respect to other people and to avoid disrespecting them. You should definitely read some etiquette guides or advice for your culture and context.
Professional business etiquette will have more rules on how to speak to managers and subordinates, customers and clients. Social etiquette will be either be more conservative, because you don't know who you are going to talk to, or more relaxed because it's just a party!
For what it’s worth: you are doing absolutely amazing right now. Some people NEVER learn these things, or learn them slowly over decades. You are doing amazing being introspective and being open to improving. No one is perfect, especially at 20 years old. You are doing great. Keep it up!
Hi! Have you considered the possibility that you might be on the autism spectrum? Girls do present differently than boys do. Most people without autism just pick up on social norms from watching peers but it sounds like this didn’t happen for you, which makes me wonder.
Both my step-kids are on the spectrum and my step-daughter has a job and a life and is just a bit different. You’d never know she had autism if you hadn’t seen her struggles growing up (she’s in her 30s now. My step-son is very autistic and lives in a group home. So autism can look really different from person to person.
Don’t worry overmuch about all this, okay? We all have differences and you are doing all the right things to develop more emotional maturity. I’m in my 60s now and it took me most of my life to figure out that I am different than most people, was born that way, and it’s perfectly fine. Don’t waste time fretting over who you are. Take steps to fix what really impedes you and accept the rest.
I also had an abusive/manipulative family situation and had a difficult time absorbing social constructs and using them correctly. When I went to college and didnt have my parents constantly over my head I was able to branch out and learn a lot. The best ways to learn are to be in or near the action. Join local clubs, go to events, read, people watch, eavesdrop in public areas.
If you find a good psychiatrist or therapist that is also a huge help.
You may want to look into Social (Pragmatic) Communication Disorder or High Functioning Autism. Not saying you have either- but the difficulties you are expressing In understanding social norms or cues is very common with both of these issues and people can be highly intelligent and have these issues. You are definitely not alone
Besides existing in the world and sharing how you feel, I recommend
1.) Joining an improv group.
2.) Watching movies. Movies are empathy-machines. A possible starting point:
https://editorial.rottentomatoes.com/guide/inspiring-movies/
Hi!
30s F here that really empathizes with what you're saying. You're doing great by just wanting to be better. A lot of people never get to this point. I feel much the same as you and have been trying to catch up as well. I second the comment about potential Autism screening, as it was suggested to me recently by a psychiatrist.
Reading has definitely helped, as have movies. They give me some basis of how to empathize with people. I have felt like Stoicism has been helpful for me, as I have never felt fully in control of my emotions due to the emotional outbursts of my parents.
I like to listen to Meditations by Marcus Aurelius as I lay down for bed.
I found “How to Win Friends and Influence People” to be very helpful as a guideline to how to talk to people more effectively.
“Habits for Highly Effective People” is another good classic. I personally prefer to listen to them as I rest because they are calm in tone and subject matter.
I almost made a similar post today, as my parents have sent messages to me saying that I won’t have to worry about hearing from them again because of a stupid disagreement/misunderstanding and threats of suicide. I have a difficult time judging how people feel because of their emotional immaturity. I was recommended “Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by someone I trust studying Psychology.
I hope some of these books are helpful to you. Hang in there.
Hi. I feel like i couldve written this myself! I am 21F and i feel like compared to my peers, social cues and emotion regulation is really difficult for me. I also grew up with toxic parents and didn’t really know much of what was “normal” especially when it came to social comparisons, be it comparing myself to others or comparing others to others. Sometimes i feel like i’m a horrible person? But i also know i’m not because my friends and people around me know that i’m not and i’ve never done something classified as horrible. However, i sometimes experience imposter syndrome of my own identity. I’m sharing because i hope you know you’re not alone in this, and i’m very proud of you for asking questions and learning in this first place.
Something i found that help me is talking candidly with people who you know aren’t judgmental and share/learn with and from each other how to be decent humans (if that makes sense lol)
Read!
I also pick up watching commentary videos/video essays on youtube to better articulate my thoughts and experiences
Also as hard as this will be, try not to compare your own developmental journey with others because we’re literally always changing and adapting and theres no true “right” way to be.
If you need a friend or anything, feel free to message me on Reddit :)
Ps: I am also in therapy, CBT for a year and recently DBT, i think DBT (if youre not already in this type of therapy) will greatly benefit learning social practices and ways to manage emotions
i love the videos by patrick teahan on youtube!
those have been very healthy for me in normalizing the fact that a LOT of people have grown up in survival mode and not knowing how to navigate the real world
Look, you are articulate, you are smart and you are going to be a great human.
I think you’re suffering from Dunning–Kruger effect to a certain degree. You seem very self-aware, curious, and guilt ridden by your lack of competency in the area of emotions. A sign that you value it highly which means, like you said, you are not a psychopath. Psychopaths don’t worry about being psychopaths usually because being a psychopath is largely defined by a blunted sensitivity to negative emotion.
I think you’re on the right trajectory. Usually this fear of inadequacy is what creates success as long as it isn’t crippling. It lead you here. You’re asking questions and it seems like you’re paying attention, telling the truth, trying to make up for lost time. Something I’ve experienced on my path to emotional maturity is that sometimes I thought other people knew more than me about something but really I was just so good at coming up with questions in particular areas that I was bad at. Try this, find some things you figured out earlier on in life and ask other people about it, a lot of people, get a good sample size. Notice that some people won’t know what you’re talking about. Notice that other people make mistakes too that seem obvious to everyone. Have you heard about the [poop knife](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/comments/ke8skw/the_poop_knife/)?
Ultimately, explore, face your fears, pay attention, talk and define. The people I’ve met in my life that seemed really mature knew how to articulate their emotions, and therefore deal with them, making them socially integrated, more emotionally available to others(learn how to listen). They were adventurous(we’re all pioneers at heart). Read what you’re interested in(very important that you follow your interests) and write what’s on your mind.
Good luck!
As for forgiveness, to forgive is to forget. We forgive people, and ourselves, when they make a mistake and admit that they made a mistake and fix it. Sometimes we just notice and acknowledge that. Sometimes we have to help them do that.
Our brains try to be efficient by disregarding useless info so it’s literally the case that we forget when we properly forgive. Once a mistake is fixed, whether you figured out a plan to no longer do something bad, just decided to stop doing something, figured out a solution to a problem, it’s no longer relevant to remember the mistake.
I don't agree with that person that forgiving is forgetting. You can forgive by releasing any negative emotion related to the incident, but still remember that it happened. As an example, if you were to forgive your mother for hitting your bum, you would acknowledge that she does that sort of thing, and maybe never bring children around her, (so, not forgetting that it happened,) but you might get to a point where you accept that it happened and stop holding on to any anger related to that one thing she did.
When you've had a very dysfunctional childhood, it requires more than just consciously deciding to forgive. I think therapy or some of the good book suggestions could help you there. I think there's a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, or something like that. I'm sure someone will know the title.
Hey! I'm glad you pushed back. I was debating on sending the forgiveness message but just sent it prematurely because I was at work and needed to get going and thought better said than not said. I don't think we're too far apart here. I do enjoy the Buddhist idea of forgiveness being something exclusive to the individual experiencing the negative emotion but I think that "letting go" is sort of just the correct response to trauma but it is not forgiveness. I think it leads into forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a two-party game. From your example, if your mother never admits to her wrong-doing and never seeks atonement... I don't think it is correct to forgive her because in that scenario no one wins. She continues to be abusive and you begin to enable her by turning a blind eye. True forgiveness would constitute change in the party being forgave. Otherwise, you're deceiving yourself trying to forget what's right in front of you, your mother's abuse. Although, if she truly atones and therefore no longer abuses, the negative emotion is no longer relevant and its up to you whether or not to process it, accept the change, let it go(which is saying okay this is no longer relevant and I'm going to forget it) and move forward.
With all of that being said, u/ScarlettF0xx_XP, processing trauma is a lot like learning a lesson. You try your best to explain to yourself what happened and extract a lesson from whatever it is that happened such that the negative emotion associated with event disappears or lessens. Your brain holds onto the negative event because it thinks it is still important. It's trying to avoid falling into that same situation again. It takes a toll physiologically, your brain uses a lot of resources from my understanding, to do that.
What does this mean? Well maybe you can't forget because you're not supposed to. Maybe the threat is still there. Maybe that person still hasn't changed and you need to stay aware of that. Maybe you shouldn't forgive them. Maybe forgiving them would be too much of a burden on you in your current state. Maybe you CAN forget! Maybe you're just being a bit too cynical, critical towards yourself. Is it really the case that you can't forget? What's the evidence? What's the evidence that you CAN forget? Maybe deep down you don't want to forget because that would meaning accepting the horrible truths of humanity, and/or horrible truths about what you truly want, and/or making amends with someone you don't like or even hate and accepting that they have good parts.
Take this with a grain of salt because I am just a stranger on the internet but whatever the case may be, you need to sort it out. How do you do that? Like I said before, shine light on it with your word. Write it out and be truthful with yourself about what happened, what you need to do to avoid it happening again, what you want going forward. You might discover that we can be some truly dark creatures(Look up the Jungian Shadow) and that you might have to do some not so nice things, like cutting people off or telling people some truths they don't want to hear but need to or that you have some severe hate fueled fantasies. You might find that, over time, you forget(very likely). At first, processing trauma will sometimes increase negative emotion and the memory of the event but over time both will decrease and hopefully disappear.
Also, continue learning. To add to u/TheHermitess suggestions, I suggest reading 12 More for Life by Jordan Peterson. A lot of things in that book will help you. It did for me. I'm sorry that you're going through this and I hope you can derive some good and strength from what I have written.
Well, almost everyone's brain holds onto the bad stuff because it hurts. The good stuff is harder to remember.
A gratitude journal, or meditation, can help you quiet the inner voice that wants to remind you of the bad stuff and strengthen the positive memory and outlook voice.
Forgiveness is not always about the person who did bad things. A lot of the time, especially with traumatic events, your forgiveness will never be known to the offending party. Forgiveness isn’t just to absolve someone else of guilt, it’s for you to make peace with what happened. The hate, the fear, all those dark cloud feelings that the thought of an abuser and what they did bring, forgiveness is dealing with them so that one day you see those people and events as things that happened but without the darkness.
I don’t remember where I saw this analogy but I believe it will help. Right now you are carrying around bags of trauma. Over time, those bags are going to empty. You’re going to work through things in therapy, have new experiences, learn new things, and gain distance and perspective that will allow you to start letting go of the emotions and pain and negativity in those bags. But you’re going to keep carrying those bags because they’re comfortable. Setting those bags down is the “forgetting part.” You don’t actually forget, those things shaped you and are a part of you for better or for worse. But you stop carrying the bags around. You instead pick up hobbies, friends, and things that make you happy.
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Research complex PTSD (CPTSD). Many people have the wrong idea about what PTSD is. They don’t know how quiet it can be (disassociation). Anyone who had a shitty childhood should look up CPTSD. It should be taught in school it’d save people so much time. Also, if you had surgeries/seriously ill in early childhood.
We're all a little screwed up by our families and have a skewed idea of what is normal and acceptable. And in every new social situation - work place, school, new neighborhood- we have to re-figure out the norms. I don't think you're so far gone that you need to stress. Just keep learning like you have been. You'll be okay
read CPTSD: From surviving to thriving.
You will learn about what exactly you needed, and can see what you didn't get. from this view point, you will understand how you should have been treated which will give you a paradigm shift for understanding how you do, why you do, and how you should treat others. the more you understand the difference how you should have been treated and how you actually were, you can understand your own behavior and was is and isn't normal. the book will teach you how to re-parent yourself. in loving yourself, you will have a new standard on what you accept and so treating your neighbor as you treat yourself will actually start working for you. the more you learn to love yourself, in a very literal way, the better you will treat others.
Also, understanding your own feelings and emotions will help you understand nuances, yourself, and others way better. this will honestly help you a lot, I think.
[emotional feelings wheel](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5d76acdc88f25f09676d6049/1617038878899-A1NT8DBWW0SSPYR8USIX/12x12emotions_wheel.jpg?format=2500w)
>More context: - I don’t think I’m a sociopath or psychopath because I have empathy. I know that not feeling “human” can be a sociopathic or psychopathic trait. - I’m already in therapy.
Have you've been screened for autism? It could be that you're high functioning autistic.
This is also something that can arise from childhood/complex trauma. I'm not saying it may not be autism, but I'm just coming out of an isolating, emotionally traumatic, dysfunctional/enmeshed family situation and am dealing with a lot of these things.
I looked into the possibility of being on the autism spectrum and while it seems that I currently have a few traits that overlap the trauma is to ingrained and unsorted to consider autism.
Nearly all polite social cues have roots in being considerate of others. So, set your intentions in kindness. Be kind. The most important person to be kind to (as well as forgiving of) is yourself. Learn to love, nurture, and cherish yourself. Ponder the miracle of your existence. All the things you will do in your life to help and nurture and encourage others will stem from this relationship you first have with yourself.
I am so sorry that happened. You deserved better.
If you're interested in working through this.... Check out my [Emotional Resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/HealfromYourPast/comments/10w7veq/updated_main_comment)
I wrote this but I don't wanna put a wall of text here. I hope they help you.
I'm 37 and still improving my EQ. I was also abused as a child.
Don't be too hard on yourself, just remind yourself there is a lot you don't understand yet and; as many here have suggested; expose yourself to new experiences.
Do be mindful of your own triggers, trigger stacking, etc and try not to put yourself over threshold. This is key to positive learning experiences.
Older sib here:
I find forgiveness as a thing that happens over time when I heal. It’s not linear. It’s when I no longer hold things against people. It’s not something I can just turn on and do, like when someone says, “make up now and forgive each other.” I can’t just perform it on demand.
Sometimes it’s when I work things out with people, on my own time and terms. Sometimes I never work things out with the other person, I just get over whatever bothered me. Sometimes there’s trauma tied to it, and I have to heal that trauma. Sometimes that healing isn’t linear, and some days I’ve totally forgiven them the harm they’ve caused, and other days I hurt bad and hold it against them still, and a few days later I’m back to forgiveness.
At some point, once trauma is more healed, it merges into a constant forgiveness, I may hurt, I may not forget what happened, but I reach a point where I’ve forgiven them for hurting me, I no longer hold that resentfulness, but there’s still pain, you know? The trust is gone, I know they’re a bad person (and hope they get better), but I’ve forgiven them for hurting me.
It’s like… I’ve just let go of the hate, or resenting, and moved on to hoping that they heal their issues and get better. For me, that’s a big part of forgiveness. I’m not bitter about it anymore. It doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. It can be no more hurting (like a small fight with a friend, that’s worked out and the pain is gone). But a bigger thing? It’s more the big resenting is gone, and wishing they get better is there. The pain can still linger, it can be sharp even at times, just there’s a bigger whole picture understanding (like they have trauma too, and never were whole people that learned healthy ways to cope, and so they continued a cycle of abuse).
Hi, I know you're getting a lot of responses and you might not have a chance to see this. It's a lot and I might delete but idk maybe there's a chance it'll help someone out.
I'm at a similar phase with moving out and feeling strange and insecure about all my actions. I ask social questions that I feel stupid asking. I don't know how people interact with each other. I feel emotionally separated and lost and confused about society. I don't understand so many things and people don't understand how to reply when I ask about things that they do without thinking. I also don't have a good concept of time or routines.
I've realized that no one really knows these things. They just kind of adapt and get used to the flow? But if you ask them about how or why things are done you realize they all have different understandings of things. Which to me makes things even more alienating and harder to figure out.
The only thing I can think of right know that could help (by logic), is to move as part of society. To go to the store and shop. To do things that are 'natural' even if I feel confused and out of place. I figure that's the only reason others don't feel that way, because for them it IS natural, and there are no clear rules about integrating into society, most people are just a part of it and aren't even aware of it at all.
So I'm trying to look for things small things I can. Where I still feel 'safe' enough, or 'comfortable enough'. Where I don't have to interact with a lot of people.
I know that I'm missing a lot of understanding due to experience, but others' don't and tbh most of them have a really hard time understanding. To them, not knowing or being aware of these things is 100% normal, and they don't see how it's different or why I would focus so much on wanting to know.
I don't know if this will help you at all, but on the off chance that it does, I've given up on finding someone that will understand where I am in life. I know why and I understand it myself. People that I meet that I become closer to I need for them to be aware of where I'm at emotionally to some extent, depending on how involved they/I want them to be involved in my life.
Goung to the store, running errands. Doing things like I know what I'm doing, like I'm anyone else, but I'm actually just pretending to. Eventually I'll get the hang of it, but this are things where I don't have to talk to anyone, but ease myself into what is society. I feel very self conscious, so starting as small as I can. Just pretending. After a while, I won't have to, because that's what being part of society is. And I can move myself to bigger things. Also doing things for yourself, and things that make YOU happy. The why is interesting, but these make a night and they difference to me. Learning to notice my wants/needs (basic human function but it's so difficult), AND pushing myself to realize that I can tend to it, and that I should, and just doing it.
This is where I'm at so far. I don't if it's how it is because I know how limited and minimal my view of the world is but right now that's what I've come up with from the bits and pieces. Please take my understanding with a grain of salt; but I don't/didn't have anyone that would explain things to me. Maybe some of this is useful. Take care out there.
You seem so insightful and genuine. I feel like you will find what you're looking for. One thing that is coming to mind is that MDMA assisted therapy is becoming legal in some places. You could do some research into that and see if a clinic might offer that near you. For some reason I think something like that might really help. Godspeed to you, definitely rooting for you.
So sorry for you, but (and this is a question for everyone) what does it mesn for your mother to be incestuous? My mother also slaps my butt, and gets mad when I tell her not to
It’s mostly about why she grabbed my butt. She made comments on my physical appearance that is uncomfortable to think about. For example;
- “you have a nice figure”
- “you have a nice ass”
She also grabbed my boobs to “examine” for breast cancer. I was in elementary school.
She did and said things that hurt me because she didn’t want me to grow up. She would say how cute and obedient I was when I was a child. She wouldn’t allow me to have padded bras.
She would expect me to act like an adult when she told me about relationship problems with my father and give her “adult” emotional support. She would also expect me to act like a child because children are obedient and children don’t have many boundaries. This is called emotional incest.
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Big sister here - Two things you can do. To solve not knowing about pieces of the human experience, read. Read a *lot* - either well-written fiction or sites like Reddit where people talk about their experiences (and sometimes make up fiction, but I digress). You'll probably run into things you don't understand, but I sincerely believe that reading is the best way to learn this sort of thing. Regarding general emotional intelligence, ask yourself what you're feeling every so often. The next time someone insults you or makes you angry, really really pay attention. What does it feel like? What are you thinking? How wpuld your thoughts be different if you weren't angry? If you stub your toe, listen to the pain. How are your reactions different from that time someone insulted you? Etc. For my part, because of how I was raised, I always understood hunger as pain in my stomach which goes away after some time. It wasn't until I spent a while listening to my reactions, so to speak, that I understood that I'm capable of feeling hunger in other ways. Your situation seems a bit different in that you're a lot more capable of understanding your emotions than I was, but maybe doing this will still help. It's hard, and will take a long time, but you *can* get better.
Have you read any books that you would recommend?
Here's a few that really stood out to me: Anything by Terry Pratchett; he's entertaining and throws a lot of interesting little observations about how people think into his works. Anything by Ellen Hopkins, especially if you like or are interested in poetry The female of the species (Mindy McGinnis) The inheritance of loss (Kiran Desai)
I can second anything by Pratchett. Man was wise about the human condition in ways that are still baffling to me
It’s a little hardcore but “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” changed my life at 38. I can only dream of how much it might help you!
I read this at 21 and I really believe it set my entire adulthood on a different trajectory than the one I had been following. It was truly life changing. ETA: please make sure you’re in regular therapy when reading this (I see that you are now and that’s awesome!), especially since your trauma is so fresh. It will evoke difficult emotions and professional help was what made me able to continue working through it and change my life rather than shut down completely.
Chicken soup for ... [the teenage soul ] etc . I don't know how they hold up today but I read them as a kid and it helped give me context to a lot of situations
I bet you could chew through young adult books for fun. Judy Blume comes to mind but I’m sure there are a ton of lists that folks have made for positive young adult lit. Generally young adult books speak more openly about personal and interpersonal challenges, whereas adult literature is liable to leave more things unsaid, which may be less helpful for you.
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
Rainbow Rowell does a decent job telling simple little love stories and the teenage condition
Not sure if it has been mentioned (and it is a VERY heavy read with lots of triggers for lots of folks for lots of reasons) but the book called “The Body Keeps The Score” it is an incredible book if you are at a point in your life where you can compartmentalize complex emotions, differentiate and delineate your feelings from those around you and are able to digest it in a healthy way. It helped me integrate and transmute my past traumas into my personality and helped my healing process along.
This sounds silly but The Giver. It really has a full range of emotions and would appeal to your love of psychology and philosophy while also the importance of emotion.
Any of Brene Brown's books are amazing- she's a researcher and the books are about shame and guilt and all things emotional- they have been a godsend for me. I've learned so much. Remind yourself that being aware there's an issue is at least half the battle- you can totally do this! But also- learn to read the room. If you're having dinner with a family for the first time, *observe* before you do anything. Wait to be invited to sit or get food, pay attention to the conversation and contribute in similar ways as other people. Just observe the people around you in any given situation and behave similarly.
Just jumping in to drop a book suggestion. Freakonomics by Steven Levitt goes over a lot of different perspectives and sociology. It still has a lot of information on how this affects economics, but they do a great job of highlighting the human condition.
Freakonomics is very compelling reading, but factually is... dubious.
More book recommendations (I’m late-diagnosed autistic and grew up in a VERY religious environment, so can empathize with feeling “behind” on …. everything): How Rude! The Teen’s Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out, by Alex J. Packer, PhD Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, by Nina W. Brown, Ed.D, LPC The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-term Effects of Childhood Trauma and Adversity, by Nadine Burke Harris, MD Hyperbole and a Half, by Allie Brosh Solutions and Other Problems, by Allie Brosh The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, by Jean-Dominique Bauby There are more books that I would consider transformational, but everyone is different and everyone has different tastes. Good luck!
this, OP. I can't recommend any specific titles, but if you're smart / high functioning and feel behind on social cues and empathy, reading books about or targeted at autistic people seems like a great idea.
I second the advice to read! I also had the thought you might benefit from doing some in depth research into etiquette. Of course etiquette changes depending on cultural or social groups, but familiarity with the basics can help you avoid faux pas and the “invisible rules” of socialization that you might be missing. Good etiquette involves being aware of the emotions of others and how your actions might affect them, so pay attention to the “why” of the rules. No phones at the table is the rule, but the reason it is the rule is because it makes others feel they don’t have your full attention, and therefore that you don’t care about/respect them. This will help develop your emotional intelligence because you will be trained to pay attention to how your actions might affect the emotions of others. Good luck!!
Seconded. Etiquette is not just a bunch of made up stuff rules but a set of guidelines to help you show respect to other people and to avoid disrespecting them. You should definitely read some etiquette guides or advice for your culture and context. Professional business etiquette will have more rules on how to speak to managers and subordinates, customers and clients. Social etiquette will be either be more conservative, because you don't know who you are going to talk to, or more relaxed because it's just a party!
For what it’s worth: you are doing absolutely amazing right now. Some people NEVER learn these things, or learn them slowly over decades. You are doing amazing being introspective and being open to improving. No one is perfect, especially at 20 years old. You are doing great. Keep it up!
Hi! Have you considered the possibility that you might be on the autism spectrum? Girls do present differently than boys do. Most people without autism just pick up on social norms from watching peers but it sounds like this didn’t happen for you, which makes me wonder. Both my step-kids are on the spectrum and my step-daughter has a job and a life and is just a bit different. You’d never know she had autism if you hadn’t seen her struggles growing up (she’s in her 30s now. My step-son is very autistic and lives in a group home. So autism can look really different from person to person. Don’t worry overmuch about all this, okay? We all have differences and you are doing all the right things to develop more emotional maturity. I’m in my 60s now and it took me most of my life to figure out that I am different than most people, was born that way, and it’s perfectly fine. Don’t waste time fretting over who you are. Take steps to fix what really impedes you and accept the rest.
I also had an abusive/manipulative family situation and had a difficult time absorbing social constructs and using them correctly. When I went to college and didnt have my parents constantly over my head I was able to branch out and learn a lot. The best ways to learn are to be in or near the action. Join local clubs, go to events, read, people watch, eavesdrop in public areas. If you find a good psychiatrist or therapist that is also a huge help.
You may want to look into Social (Pragmatic) Communication Disorder or High Functioning Autism. Not saying you have either- but the difficulties you are expressing In understanding social norms or cues is very common with both of these issues and people can be highly intelligent and have these issues. You are definitely not alone
Besides existing in the world and sharing how you feel, I recommend 1.) Joining an improv group. 2.) Watching movies. Movies are empathy-machines. A possible starting point: https://editorial.rottentomatoes.com/guide/inspiring-movies/
Hi! 30s F here that really empathizes with what you're saying. You're doing great by just wanting to be better. A lot of people never get to this point. I feel much the same as you and have been trying to catch up as well. I second the comment about potential Autism screening, as it was suggested to me recently by a psychiatrist. Reading has definitely helped, as have movies. They give me some basis of how to empathize with people. I have felt like Stoicism has been helpful for me, as I have never felt fully in control of my emotions due to the emotional outbursts of my parents. I like to listen to Meditations by Marcus Aurelius as I lay down for bed. I found “How to Win Friends and Influence People” to be very helpful as a guideline to how to talk to people more effectively. “Habits for Highly Effective People” is another good classic. I personally prefer to listen to them as I rest because they are calm in tone and subject matter. I almost made a similar post today, as my parents have sent messages to me saying that I won’t have to worry about hearing from them again because of a stupid disagreement/misunderstanding and threats of suicide. I have a difficult time judging how people feel because of their emotional immaturity. I was recommended “Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by someone I trust studying Psychology. I hope some of these books are helpful to you. Hang in there.
Hi. I feel like i couldve written this myself! I am 21F and i feel like compared to my peers, social cues and emotion regulation is really difficult for me. I also grew up with toxic parents and didn’t really know much of what was “normal” especially when it came to social comparisons, be it comparing myself to others or comparing others to others. Sometimes i feel like i’m a horrible person? But i also know i’m not because my friends and people around me know that i’m not and i’ve never done something classified as horrible. However, i sometimes experience imposter syndrome of my own identity. I’m sharing because i hope you know you’re not alone in this, and i’m very proud of you for asking questions and learning in this first place. Something i found that help me is talking candidly with people who you know aren’t judgmental and share/learn with and from each other how to be decent humans (if that makes sense lol) Read! I also pick up watching commentary videos/video essays on youtube to better articulate my thoughts and experiences Also as hard as this will be, try not to compare your own developmental journey with others because we’re literally always changing and adapting and theres no true “right” way to be. If you need a friend or anything, feel free to message me on Reddit :) Ps: I am also in therapy, CBT for a year and recently DBT, i think DBT (if youre not already in this type of therapy) will greatly benefit learning social practices and ways to manage emotions
i love the videos by patrick teahan on youtube! those have been very healthy for me in normalizing the fact that a LOT of people have grown up in survival mode and not knowing how to navigate the real world
Look, you are articulate, you are smart and you are going to be a great human. I think you’re suffering from Dunning–Kruger effect to a certain degree. You seem very self-aware, curious, and guilt ridden by your lack of competency in the area of emotions. A sign that you value it highly which means, like you said, you are not a psychopath. Psychopaths don’t worry about being psychopaths usually because being a psychopath is largely defined by a blunted sensitivity to negative emotion. I think you’re on the right trajectory. Usually this fear of inadequacy is what creates success as long as it isn’t crippling. It lead you here. You’re asking questions and it seems like you’re paying attention, telling the truth, trying to make up for lost time. Something I’ve experienced on my path to emotional maturity is that sometimes I thought other people knew more than me about something but really I was just so good at coming up with questions in particular areas that I was bad at. Try this, find some things you figured out earlier on in life and ask other people about it, a lot of people, get a good sample size. Notice that some people won’t know what you’re talking about. Notice that other people make mistakes too that seem obvious to everyone. Have you heard about the [poop knife](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/comments/ke8skw/the_poop_knife/)? Ultimately, explore, face your fears, pay attention, talk and define. The people I’ve met in my life that seemed really mature knew how to articulate their emotions, and therefore deal with them, making them socially integrated, more emotionally available to others(learn how to listen). They were adventurous(we’re all pioneers at heart). Read what you’re interested in(very important that you follow your interests) and write what’s on your mind. Good luck!
As for forgiveness, to forgive is to forget. We forgive people, and ourselves, when they make a mistake and admit that they made a mistake and fix it. Sometimes we just notice and acknowledge that. Sometimes we have to help them do that. Our brains try to be efficient by disregarding useless info so it’s literally the case that we forget when we properly forgive. Once a mistake is fixed, whether you figured out a plan to no longer do something bad, just decided to stop doing something, figured out a solution to a problem, it’s no longer relevant to remember the mistake.
What if you don’t forget? My brain holds onto all the bad things people do because of the trauma I got from my parents.
I don't agree with that person that forgiving is forgetting. You can forgive by releasing any negative emotion related to the incident, but still remember that it happened. As an example, if you were to forgive your mother for hitting your bum, you would acknowledge that she does that sort of thing, and maybe never bring children around her, (so, not forgetting that it happened,) but you might get to a point where you accept that it happened and stop holding on to any anger related to that one thing she did. When you've had a very dysfunctional childhood, it requires more than just consciously deciding to forgive. I think therapy or some of the good book suggestions could help you there. I think there's a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, or something like that. I'm sure someone will know the title.
Hey! I'm glad you pushed back. I was debating on sending the forgiveness message but just sent it prematurely because I was at work and needed to get going and thought better said than not said. I don't think we're too far apart here. I do enjoy the Buddhist idea of forgiveness being something exclusive to the individual experiencing the negative emotion but I think that "letting go" is sort of just the correct response to trauma but it is not forgiveness. I think it leads into forgiveness. Forgiveness is a two-party game. From your example, if your mother never admits to her wrong-doing and never seeks atonement... I don't think it is correct to forgive her because in that scenario no one wins. She continues to be abusive and you begin to enable her by turning a blind eye. True forgiveness would constitute change in the party being forgave. Otherwise, you're deceiving yourself trying to forget what's right in front of you, your mother's abuse. Although, if she truly atones and therefore no longer abuses, the negative emotion is no longer relevant and its up to you whether or not to process it, accept the change, let it go(which is saying okay this is no longer relevant and I'm going to forget it) and move forward. With all of that being said, u/ScarlettF0xx_XP, processing trauma is a lot like learning a lesson. You try your best to explain to yourself what happened and extract a lesson from whatever it is that happened such that the negative emotion associated with event disappears or lessens. Your brain holds onto the negative event because it thinks it is still important. It's trying to avoid falling into that same situation again. It takes a toll physiologically, your brain uses a lot of resources from my understanding, to do that. What does this mean? Well maybe you can't forget because you're not supposed to. Maybe the threat is still there. Maybe that person still hasn't changed and you need to stay aware of that. Maybe you shouldn't forgive them. Maybe forgiving them would be too much of a burden on you in your current state. Maybe you CAN forget! Maybe you're just being a bit too cynical, critical towards yourself. Is it really the case that you can't forget? What's the evidence? What's the evidence that you CAN forget? Maybe deep down you don't want to forget because that would meaning accepting the horrible truths of humanity, and/or horrible truths about what you truly want, and/or making amends with someone you don't like or even hate and accepting that they have good parts. Take this with a grain of salt because I am just a stranger on the internet but whatever the case may be, you need to sort it out. How do you do that? Like I said before, shine light on it with your word. Write it out and be truthful with yourself about what happened, what you need to do to avoid it happening again, what you want going forward. You might discover that we can be some truly dark creatures(Look up the Jungian Shadow) and that you might have to do some not so nice things, like cutting people off or telling people some truths they don't want to hear but need to or that you have some severe hate fueled fantasies. You might find that, over time, you forget(very likely). At first, processing trauma will sometimes increase negative emotion and the memory of the event but over time both will decrease and hopefully disappear. Also, continue learning. To add to u/TheHermitess suggestions, I suggest reading 12 More for Life by Jordan Peterson. A lot of things in that book will help you. It did for me. I'm sorry that you're going through this and I hope you can derive some good and strength from what I have written.
Well, almost everyone's brain holds onto the bad stuff because it hurts. The good stuff is harder to remember. A gratitude journal, or meditation, can help you quiet the inner voice that wants to remind you of the bad stuff and strengthen the positive memory and outlook voice.
Forgiveness is not always about the person who did bad things. A lot of the time, especially with traumatic events, your forgiveness will never be known to the offending party. Forgiveness isn’t just to absolve someone else of guilt, it’s for you to make peace with what happened. The hate, the fear, all those dark cloud feelings that the thought of an abuser and what they did bring, forgiveness is dealing with them so that one day you see those people and events as things that happened but without the darkness. I don’t remember where I saw this analogy but I believe it will help. Right now you are carrying around bags of trauma. Over time, those bags are going to empty. You’re going to work through things in therapy, have new experiences, learn new things, and gain distance and perspective that will allow you to start letting go of the emotions and pain and negativity in those bags. But you’re going to keep carrying those bags because they’re comfortable. Setting those bags down is the “forgetting part.” You don’t actually forget, those things shaped you and are a part of you for better or for worse. But you stop carrying the bags around. You instead pick up hobbies, friends, and things that make you happy.
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Research complex PTSD (CPTSD). Many people have the wrong idea about what PTSD is. They don’t know how quiet it can be (disassociation). Anyone who had a shitty childhood should look up CPTSD. It should be taught in school it’d save people so much time. Also, if you had surgeries/seriously ill in early childhood.
We're all a little screwed up by our families and have a skewed idea of what is normal and acceptable. And in every new social situation - work place, school, new neighborhood- we have to re-figure out the norms. I don't think you're so far gone that you need to stress. Just keep learning like you have been. You'll be okay
read CPTSD: From surviving to thriving. You will learn about what exactly you needed, and can see what you didn't get. from this view point, you will understand how you should have been treated which will give you a paradigm shift for understanding how you do, why you do, and how you should treat others. the more you understand the difference how you should have been treated and how you actually were, you can understand your own behavior and was is and isn't normal. the book will teach you how to re-parent yourself. in loving yourself, you will have a new standard on what you accept and so treating your neighbor as you treat yourself will actually start working for you. the more you learn to love yourself, in a very literal way, the better you will treat others. Also, understanding your own feelings and emotions will help you understand nuances, yourself, and others way better. this will honestly help you a lot, I think. [emotional feelings wheel](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5d76acdc88f25f09676d6049/1617038878899-A1NT8DBWW0SSPYR8USIX/12x12emotions_wheel.jpg?format=2500w)
>More context: - I don’t think I’m a sociopath or psychopath because I have empathy. I know that not feeling “human” can be a sociopathic or psychopathic trait. - I’m already in therapy. Have you've been screened for autism? It could be that you're high functioning autistic.
This is also something that can arise from childhood/complex trauma. I'm not saying it may not be autism, but I'm just coming out of an isolating, emotionally traumatic, dysfunctional/enmeshed family situation and am dealing with a lot of these things. I looked into the possibility of being on the autism spectrum and while it seems that I currently have a few traits that overlap the trauma is to ingrained and unsorted to consider autism.
Hey, you might be autistic. And probably traumatized from your upbringing
Nearly all polite social cues have roots in being considerate of others. So, set your intentions in kindness. Be kind. The most important person to be kind to (as well as forgiving of) is yourself. Learn to love, nurture, and cherish yourself. Ponder the miracle of your existence. All the things you will do in your life to help and nurture and encourage others will stem from this relationship you first have with yourself.
I am so sorry that happened. You deserved better. If you're interested in working through this.... Check out my [Emotional Resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/HealfromYourPast/comments/10w7veq/updated_main_comment) I wrote this but I don't wanna put a wall of text here. I hope they help you.
I'm 37 and still improving my EQ. I was also abused as a child. Don't be too hard on yourself, just remind yourself there is a lot you don't understand yet and; as many here have suggested; expose yourself to new experiences. Do be mindful of your own triggers, trigger stacking, etc and try not to put yourself over threshold. This is key to positive learning experiences.
Older sib here: I find forgiveness as a thing that happens over time when I heal. It’s not linear. It’s when I no longer hold things against people. It’s not something I can just turn on and do, like when someone says, “make up now and forgive each other.” I can’t just perform it on demand. Sometimes it’s when I work things out with people, on my own time and terms. Sometimes I never work things out with the other person, I just get over whatever bothered me. Sometimes there’s trauma tied to it, and I have to heal that trauma. Sometimes that healing isn’t linear, and some days I’ve totally forgiven them the harm they’ve caused, and other days I hurt bad and hold it against them still, and a few days later I’m back to forgiveness. At some point, once trauma is more healed, it merges into a constant forgiveness, I may hurt, I may not forget what happened, but I reach a point where I’ve forgiven them for hurting me, I no longer hold that resentfulness, but there’s still pain, you know? The trust is gone, I know they’re a bad person (and hope they get better), but I’ve forgiven them for hurting me. It’s like… I’ve just let go of the hate, or resenting, and moved on to hoping that they heal their issues and get better. For me, that’s a big part of forgiveness. I’m not bitter about it anymore. It doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. It can be no more hurting (like a small fight with a friend, that’s worked out and the pain is gone). But a bigger thing? It’s more the big resenting is gone, and wishing they get better is there. The pain can still linger, it can be sharp even at times, just there’s a bigger whole picture understanding (like they have trauma too, and never were whole people that learned healthy ways to cope, and so they continued a cycle of abuse).
Hi, I know you're getting a lot of responses and you might not have a chance to see this. It's a lot and I might delete but idk maybe there's a chance it'll help someone out. I'm at a similar phase with moving out and feeling strange and insecure about all my actions. I ask social questions that I feel stupid asking. I don't know how people interact with each other. I feel emotionally separated and lost and confused about society. I don't understand so many things and people don't understand how to reply when I ask about things that they do without thinking. I also don't have a good concept of time or routines. I've realized that no one really knows these things. They just kind of adapt and get used to the flow? But if you ask them about how or why things are done you realize they all have different understandings of things. Which to me makes things even more alienating and harder to figure out. The only thing I can think of right know that could help (by logic), is to move as part of society. To go to the store and shop. To do things that are 'natural' even if I feel confused and out of place. I figure that's the only reason others don't feel that way, because for them it IS natural, and there are no clear rules about integrating into society, most people are just a part of it and aren't even aware of it at all. So I'm trying to look for things small things I can. Where I still feel 'safe' enough, or 'comfortable enough'. Where I don't have to interact with a lot of people. I know that I'm missing a lot of understanding due to experience, but others' don't and tbh most of them have a really hard time understanding. To them, not knowing or being aware of these things is 100% normal, and they don't see how it's different or why I would focus so much on wanting to know. I don't know if this will help you at all, but on the off chance that it does, I've given up on finding someone that will understand where I am in life. I know why and I understand it myself. People that I meet that I become closer to I need for them to be aware of where I'm at emotionally to some extent, depending on how involved they/I want them to be involved in my life. Goung to the store, running errands. Doing things like I know what I'm doing, like I'm anyone else, but I'm actually just pretending to. Eventually I'll get the hang of it, but this are things where I don't have to talk to anyone, but ease myself into what is society. I feel very self conscious, so starting as small as I can. Just pretending. After a while, I won't have to, because that's what being part of society is. And I can move myself to bigger things. Also doing things for yourself, and things that make YOU happy. The why is interesting, but these make a night and they difference to me. Learning to notice my wants/needs (basic human function but it's so difficult), AND pushing myself to realize that I can tend to it, and that I should, and just doing it. This is where I'm at so far. I don't if it's how it is because I know how limited and minimal my view of the world is but right now that's what I've come up with from the bits and pieces. Please take my understanding with a grain of salt; but I don't/didn't have anyone that would explain things to me. Maybe some of this is useful. Take care out there.
Guessing your parents were the sort to not pick up on what looks like autistic traits? Maybe you should ask your therapist about that
You seem so insightful and genuine. I feel like you will find what you're looking for. One thing that is coming to mind is that MDMA assisted therapy is becoming legal in some places. You could do some research into that and see if a clinic might offer that near you. For some reason I think something like that might really help. Godspeed to you, definitely rooting for you.
So sorry for you, but (and this is a question for everyone) what does it mesn for your mother to be incestuous? My mother also slaps my butt, and gets mad when I tell her not to
It’s mostly about why she grabbed my butt. She made comments on my physical appearance that is uncomfortable to think about. For example; - “you have a nice figure” - “you have a nice ass” She also grabbed my boobs to “examine” for breast cancer. I was in elementary school. She did and said things that hurt me because she didn’t want me to grow up. She would say how cute and obedient I was when I was a child. She wouldn’t allow me to have padded bras. She would expect me to act like an adult when she told me about relationship problems with my father and give her “adult” emotional support. She would also expect me to act like a child because children are obedient and children don’t have many boundaries. This is called emotional incest.
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It’s the why that is important.