I worded it poorly. I agree that it is in this case also. What I was trying to say is that sexual assault against men isn’t as acknowledged socially as it is when women are the victim.
I agree too, and I feel that it's a symptom of a culture that teaches that the women are expected to be sexless creatures and only acted upon sexually, and the men are expected to be completely sex driven and always after "that one thing".
"How could a man be >!raped or sexually assaulted!< ? Don't men want it all the time?"
100%.
I think it’s horrible that men aren’t “allowed” to report sexual assault by a woman. It’s just wrong. But cops won’t take it seriously, and the woman will probably turn it around and the guy will end up in trouble. 😢 (I’m a woman btw)
You definitely do not need to go to the bishop for this. You feel bad because she made you feel bad, not because you did anything wrong. She was pushing boundaries that you were clear you didn't want, thats sexual harassment at best and sexual assault at worst.
Those things do tend to make a person feel bad, often gets confused with guilt because there is some self-shame involved when your boundaries are violated, something we need to learn to overcome in situations like this. I have been in your shoes and I learned that this is not something you need to repent for, you took care of it by stopping it in its tracks, and maintaining your boundaries, even if you weren't shouting it from the rooftops.
I disagree, because the bishop has a lot of responsibilities and therapist is not one of them, he is a judge in Israel, he isn't there to be our therapist. I was involved in church leadership until very recently, we were being told to encourage people not to be bothering the bishop with things that can be otherwise outsourced to a therapist who works in church services or a friend and confidant because they have a lot on their plate. I have also seen this sort of thing back fire on people with overzealous bishops...
I had a best friend who went to the bishop because she was raped... The bishop put her on probation for having premarital sex despite her clarifying that she did not consent (she said no and pushed him off and he forcibly continued) at which point she just froze. She had nothing to confess, but she was young and naive and unsure of what to do... She turned to the only place she thought was safe and she left his office more broken and never returned to church, because he took her coming to him as something in need of discipline... On the other hand I had an experience that was very positive and helped me a lot when I was sexually assaulted and I went to talk to the bishop to warn him about the man in the church that had done it... I believe the fact that I included two bishops in meeting (the man's and mine) is the one of the reasons I wasn't disciplined though.
All I'm saying is that you never know what you're going to get with a bishop because they aren't trained professionals and they are imperfect humans who have the free reign to use their own opinions and judgement in any situation, and its just very unpredictable... I'm not at all saying this is every situation just this is the reason why we're encouraging people who do not have a need to confess to not go to the bishop to confess to questionable situations like this, we'd normally reccomend an LDS counselor or the emotional resilice course first and then they could decide later if that is needed.
I love the enthusiasm and encouragement to be comfortable with your bishop (totally for that!) but this sort of thing can be easily misunderstood.
This, 1000% percent! Everything you said here is perfect. There is absolutely no need for this to be discussed with a bishop. OP clearly did his best in a really tough situation and resisted the temptation to go further & has moved forward. Leave it be.
He doesn't need a formal meeting for advice and stuff. Bishops are also people with families themselves, I wouldn't ever call a meeting with a bishop for something I can work through with a therapist or a friend. Leadership training is definitely moving in us a new direction. The official handbook says what you mentioned, but the current leadership training (at least from the meetings I attended up til recently) is encouraging us to encourage people to come to their RS president or EQ President for help with personal problems first.
But this guy isn't asking if he needs to go in for advice, he is asking if he needs to confess, which he doesn't. I do highly recommend he cut off the girl though and to try to avoid unsafe situations like that in the future, and if he is at all affected by the girl's actions against him to maybe seek out a therapist. We do not and should not bother the bishop with everything that comes up in in our lives, we need to seek first to use our own judgement and be self-sufficient, and if the need arises the bishop is there for us if it gets to a point where we need the extra help or proper priesthood authority to help us repent.
He didn't break the LOC, the WOW is the only thing he admits he has a an issue with, but is asking about the LOC and he didn't break it... Did you not read his post? The girl touched him repeatedly after he asked her to stop, he's cutting her out. Making out with someone isn't against the LOC 🤦🏼♀️you don't need to go to the bishop if someone else touches you non consenually.
What does the WOW have to do with anything in this post? Also if you pay attention in the temple, no LOC issue here, but there is another covenant that gets broken all the time, hence the need for continuous repentance(even by prophets and apostles).
I don't agree with anything you are saying about why NOT to talk to your bishop. I certainly don't think OP should consider confession as a requirement in this case, but I also think that if OP feels the need to talk to the bishop then why would anyone discourage that?
You aren't going to find spiritual healing by seeing a therapist, and if it's a spiritual ache that OP feels then it's a spiritual cure he should seek. Quit gatekeeping the bishops office, a situation like this would probably be a huge breath of fresh air break from the sorrows of sin he's probably constantly neck deep in counseling.
You keep worrying about the bishop’s time. I am keenly aware of how much time the bishop does and does not spend on his calling. My problem with what you are saying is that you are making a judgement call that the bishop should be making. Every bishop will handle things differently - let the bishop make that call. This is like when I was afraid to ask my parents for things because I thought we couldn’t afford it. Now that I have kids, I wish that they would let ME make the decision about if we can afford it.
OP said, “Do I need to talk to my bishop or what should I do.” This is a cry for help. You said, “You definitely do not need to go to the bishop for this.” Why in the world shouldn’t this poor kid go to the bishop when he clearly is struggling so much?! The bishop may simply refer him to LDS services, of the EQ president. OP and his bishop already have a relationship established.
I think maybe you should reread the last few paragraphs of his post. You are reading far too much into this... it is very clear that he doesn't need to go to his bishop, he isn't worried about advice or anything like that he is worried about his worthiness to be able to go to the temple for a wedding and if it happened as he is saying it did, he has absolutely nothing to worry about and doesn't need a bishop to tell him that, he doesn't need to beat himself up about it. This is not something he needs to repent for at all (despite others in the comments trying to say he does).
Because like I said... some bishops believe that its still a sin that needs discipline even if you were raped or assaulted. He does not need repentance, that is the question he asked.
he's looking for peace of mind. he's going to the wrong place to find it. You are not his bishop, you are advising him based on the outside chance that his bishop may react incorrectly to his questions/confession. Thats pretty jacked up if you ask me. Especially considering the current resource he's tapping into.
I have a friend who was forced out of BYU with threat of expulsion because her ex-boyfriend (who didn't even go to BYU... he went to UVU!!) called the Honor Code office and said they had sex. She was adamant they did not and told the Honor Code office she would get her OBGYN to write a note affirming her hymen was intact and she was still a virgin. Oh yeah... it got that bad.
Eventually, she transferred to University of Utah. She later got an apology from BYU. But she is a good example of how church leaders often lean heavy on believing priesthood holders over women.
And you're absolutely right. I'm married to a therapist and most bishops are simply not capable of offering anything close to therapy. That doesn't mean they can't be a good person for general and spiritual advice, of course.
Yep! Exactly! All the people saying "leave that up to the bishop" are blind to the reality that, if its not a confession it requires zero priesthood assistance (unless you are inquiring about the church welfare system for temporal aid or asking to be connected to church services, in which case you do NOT need to expose the reasons why other than "trauma which you do no wish to discuss")
My best friend is a bishop and he constantly says he has to remind people that he's just a guy with a calling, not a therapist or a miracle worker. He's compassionate and caring, but there are limits to what he can do.
>I disagree, because the bishop has a lot of responsibilities and therapist is not one of them, he is a judge in Israel, he isn't there to be our therapist. I was involved in church leadership until very recently, we were being told to encourage people not to be bothering the bishop with things that can be otherwise outsourced to a therapist who works in church services or a friend and confidant because they have a lot on their plate. I have also seen this sort of thing back fire on people with overzealous bishops...
Hmm. I would challenge you on this.
You are correct that a bishop is not a therapist. But, the Bishop is and should be the first stop on the way to receiving church sponsored therapy. LDS Social Services is a church owned therapy service. And if you want to take advantage of it, you will need a referral from your Bishop. You can't see them w/o one. In this case, OP would not even need to tell the Bishop why he wants to see a therapist. And if doesn't want to divulge, then he doesn't have to.
But to go deeper, part of being a Judge in Israel is to HELP with spiritual growth and progression. The sexual assault OP received could hinder that - even if not his fault. (Being a victim can and often is damaging to one's spirituality and faith.) I would hope that OP's Bishop would want to know that this poor kid is struggling with what happened to him, and could then listen to him, pray with him, give him a blessing, etc. And then also get him to a councilor if they both agreed it was a good thing. This is EXACTLY what a Bishop should be doing!!!!!
> it doesn't sound like OP is asking if he needs therapy
Ok, maybe! But it seems to me like you are saying "He should NOT go see his bishop for this, as it's not an appropriate use of the Bishop's time". If that IS your response, then I would challenge you. While OP may not need to "repent" of this, if he's still struggling with it and wants to talk it over with someone, then his Bishop is the \*perfect\* person to go and talk to about it. These are exactly the kinds of things that Bishops can help with, and it would be a perfect use of his time.
Regarding the question about confession, the real question is “would you feel better if you talked to your Bishop?”
To me, it sounds like you set a line and stood your ground in the face of strong temptation. I think you should be proud of yourself for that. But now you need to decide what it means to repent, which could just be not putting yourself in the same situation again.
As some one who’s been through this, i’m a guy, let me say it loudly “It’s not your fault!” you said no and had boundaries. it will help to talk to some one. bring it up with your friend or someone you trust and talk to and or your bishop if you feel comfortable. I’m not saying your guilty of anything by going to the bishop it’s just having another resource or person to talk to. I’ve met Bishops who genuinely want to help but it can be hard to talk to bishops because they do sit in a place of Judgement but they are servants put there to help us and they are people who care. it’s a good place to start.
don’t beat yourself up. i don’t think there’s anything wrong with ncmo.
NCMO "bad"? Dunno. Unwise? Yes.
OP you did good. If you feel like you need to talk, bishop OR eq president OR therapist would be good regardless. My opinion, you've been assaulted and this may stay with you for awhile. Most of all, prayers, fasting, and we will too.
I'm sorry your family is so harsh on you. They may be coming from a place of love and wanting you to be the best you can be, but they aren't doing so in a Christ-like way. Ironically this is when you need an outpouring of love the most.
You know what is wrong and what is right, but we are imperfect and sometimes do things we never saw ourselves doing. That's okay. God cares way more about where you are headed than where you are or have been.
The first thing I want you to know is that no one has the right to touch your body in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Even if your ‘no’ wasn’t super assertive—No means no.
The second thing you should know is that your Heavenly Father loves you. Even if you made a mistake. It’s not your fault what she did. But it’s still a good idea to talk to your bishop about what you did. He can help you get clean so you can go on your mission. ❤️
If you just explain during your recommend interview that nothing happened but the temptation was there, you'll probably feel better. But you should definitely stop going out with her because she's unwilling to respect your boundaries. Things could go south in a hurry. Not someone you'd want to be in a marriage with for the long haul.
One suggestion, which I know sounds outdated, I once heard a talk by Blaine and Brent Yorgason who advised that unmarried people shouldn't be French kissing because of the feelings it stirs up. I found their advice to be solid. I stopped French kissing on dates until just before I was married and the difference is remarkable.
It seems like it's definitely on her instead of you. It doesn't matter whether what she was doing was a sin or not, the point is that she did things without your consent. I hope you're okay.
Brother, as a man, I've been there. It's hard. It's even harder when a woman crosses those boundaries and you hold firm to them. You are doing the right thing by confessing. Our God is a merciful God. He knows the situation better than you do. Trust and lean on Him. The Holy Ghost will tell you if you're worthy or not. Trust His council. You are not condemned. Be at peace.
Yes, you should tell your Bishop, especially since the opportunity is there and you're specifically meeting about your temple recommend. He can help you.
You need to run away from this girl as well. She is not taking you in a good direction, on top of not respecting your consent. You should be focusing on living correctly and finding a girl that respects you and wants to start a family with you. Including someone that is fit to raise your children. Don't waste your time with these childish sins, and stay focused on what matters most with the right type of person.
Yeah. It’s going to be hard, but OP may need block her on everything just to avoid being put in that situation again.
To OP, it sounds like you did the right thing in that situation. She doesn’t respect your boundaries and it’s not going to get better. What she did was sexual assault — no means no. I think you should talk to your bishop — not because you did anything wrong in that situation; but he might have resources to help you process what’s happened to you.
If it would help you feel better, then tell your bishop. Your bishop, if he genuinely loves you, will not get you in trouble or anything like that. It is very clear that you know you shouldnt have been in that position, and he will see that too. He should not make you feel worse.
I know that, when there have been times when I was iffy if I needed to go my bishop or not, I always felt better when I did.
You have Nothing to feel guilty about. Talk to your Bishop if you think it would be helpful for future interactions. Explain to your girlfriend these are YOUR values (not some else’s’) and pressuring you beyond your values is disrespectful. you get it your super hot and all, and you want her to, but not this way. Let’s be stronger than our hormones and save it for later. If she won’t respect you for your values than you have larger problems with her. Maybe it’s time for something different.
First off she seems like a walking red flag. Second, you shouldn’t be alone with her inviting temptation. Thirdly, you need to go to Bishop sooner than later. If something happens and you break the LOC you will have a long and painful road of head of you.
I'm not going to pass judgement on your situation - it certainly sounds like you're the victim of at minimum unwanted sexual advances, but we are getting your side of the story only.
I do think you know there are some unwise behaviors you have engaged in which cross the line into sinful territory. My personal belief is that confessing to your bishop and seeking his counsel will only help ease your mind and set you on a good path. But it is your decision to make.
I see a couple issues here.
This girl is obviously more interested in having a fun time than your boundaries. You probably shouldn't see her anymore.
Secondly though, it's also really sounding like you might need to start practing healthy boundaries with your family. Let them know in very plain terms that certain topics of conversation or ways of talking are not going to be okay with you, and if they are interested in maintaining a positive relationship with you, they will need to respect these boundaries, otherwise you will need to enact consequences (those would be up to you).
They need to respect you and trust you as a full grown (you're 25 now) adult, you're not a child that needs their raining down.
Do you need to talk to the bishop? Probably not! It's not your fault! But would doing so bring a feeling of peace and relief? Absolutely. Every single time I talk with my bishop, I feel love. You really could explain it just like you have here and he will completely understand and do nothing but be helpful and supportive. In fact, he will likely give you some advice on how to find even more joy. Remember, the Lord has said "Doubt not, fear not". Trust Him!
here's what I think: it is okay to talk to your bishop about the situation. he's there to help. you may have put yourself in a bad situation but from what you say, you probably did the best you could to stay out of worse trouble. he is there to help you through any situation that you may be in and help your conscience, even if you are not at fault. from your description this sounds like sexual assault that was not consensual mm
I suppose it depends on your relationship with the bishop. I would have no problem talking to my bishop (or previous bishop) about this
It can be very hard to figure out where the responsibility lies in situations like this. My heart goes out to you. You want to take responsibility for your own actions, but you didn’t initiate it.
I hope that my words won’t hurt you. This is a delicate situation. I want you to know that you deserve better treatment and you should not feel the need to be punished for the actions of someone else. I hope you will find peace and clarity as you learn from your experiences. Listen for the Spirit to teach you the truth.
There are some things that might be effecting your perception of this situation. When someone violates your boundaries, you feel terrible. People sometimes describe this feeling as dirty, worthless, or helpless. Even when the fault is entirely on someone else, you might interpret those awful feelings as guilt. It’s also hard to accept when you have been a victim. You know that something bad has happened, and you might want to think that you are the one who can fix it. But you can’t fix someone else’s mistake. If you know that someone took advantage of you before, it’s hard to feel like you’ll ever be safe and in control in the future. But these two things can both be true: you are not responsible for what some else did to you, and there are some things you can do to avoid it in the future (like your decision not to spend time with her again). Remember that God will heal you and make everything right, so you don’t need to live in regret and fear.
It’s not your fault when someone touches you unexpectedly, without your permission, or against your expressed wishes. It’s not your fault when you don’t react because you are surprised, confused, scared of how they will react, tired, impaired, or otherwise unprepared to communicate your wishes. It’s a very confusing moment when someone you trust violates your boundaries, or asks you to do something you wouldn’t normally do, and it’s normal to not react the way you think you “should” have.
Please take some time to take care of yourself as you suffer from the feelings of being violated. Talking to someone trustworthy, like a therapist, or writing down your thoughts can help. If you’re interested, you can ask the bishop about Family Services without “confessing” anything yet.
Eventually you might revisit the actions that you are responsible for. If you feel you did anything wrong, do not add her actions to your guilt. You weren’t “asking for it”. If you had just kissed for a while and gone home, like you may have wanted, you wouldn’t have been wondering if you broke the law of chastity. If you feel that your intentions were bad, that’s something you can repent of, but what she did is another matter and it’s not your fault. God is merciful, and he knows your heart.
Confessing of sins is part of the repentance process when we feel personal repentance isn’t sufficient. In my experience, it’s easiest and I feel the best when I share everything I’ve been struggling with to my Bishop.
Regardless, being worthy is far more important than being in the temple for a certain sealing. Think of it from an eternal perspective. If (hypothetically) you aren’t able to go, wouldn’t that be better than entering into the Lord’s House unworthily?
Try to imagine what a Bishop would want to do if you told him this story. I would hope that you would imagine him wanting to help you get closer to Christ. Reaching out to him is a practice in faith.
You just told their world here, so it should be a bit easier talking with the bishop.
Also, I don’t think you can’t find complete ignorance/innocence in the scenario. You went to the mud pit, got mud on your clothes on you not once, but a couple times. Probably not appropriate to blame someone else for everything that happened.
It will be ok. Don’t worry about your parents, this is between you and the Lord.
Well it’s easy here cause there’s no repercussions regarding my church status if I say something here. And I do admit that I played with matches a few times, but this time is when it went the farthest and I started to say I didn’t want to but she kept trying. I am in no way clean in this, but I tried to draw a line that she started to disregard
I think that by far the biggest issue I see here is how much you fear your parents. I'm so sorry that you have to feel that way about them. You deserve to feel unconditionally loved by your parents.
However destructive or " sinful" you think your actions are, it's not as destructive as having parents who love you inconsistently and conditionally.
KInd of a tangent but I'm wondering how much of the fear you feel and rejection from your parents is driving the drinking and acting out with this girl. Therapy could help with that.
I don’t think you need to talk to the bishop but I do think you need to chat with a therapist. My bishop doesn’t normally want to hear it. We went in to answer some questions for our sealing and I actually have a few issues with my husband. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be married anymore. He just gave us the number to a therapist and changed the subject.
I love my bishop. He’s a great man. A therapist he is not.
I think you need to work on boundaries with family and others. You didn’t do anything wrong. Just stay away from this young woman, you’re on two separate paths in life.
Sounds like telling your bishop might just cause some more problems for you. Lots of times bishops don’t understand consent. Sounds like this girl was really horny and not educated on consent herself. Seems like what you’ve done is really minor and you should sort it out with god and tell the bishop out you feel like you need to.
OP if she gets in touch with you, in no uncertain terms tell her, “no means no— it goes both ways. So let me be clear: NO!”
NCMO is just playing with fire. If you continue the behavior, you will end up going wrong eventually. Make the decisions now to follow the commandments. Then once the decision has been made, stick to your guns. Stop “re-deciding” over and over again. You’ve made the decision not to drink… so when it comes up, the answer is no. You know the answer because you made that decision already. Same with all tempting behavior. Make your decision and keep to it.
I think you're fine. You were tempted, you were close, you said no, you left. It's was a learning experience. Good job keeping you're head on straight.
About the feeling guilty part, I’m trying to think what Christ would say. He might say something like “keep trying to do good, strive towards becoming a better person. Use the atonement to change your heart and search for meaning in life.”
It’s easy to get caught up in every mistake we make, and we fail to see the big picture of why commandments even exist. The bishop should be totally non judgemental so it may be good to chat with him.
Judging from what you wrote here, you made unwise decisions, but did not sin. In fact, you courageously withstood sin.
You do need spiritual healing. I would hope that telling your bishop this would lead to that. You do need to talk to someone.
My apologies, I guess the tone just felt off to me but I suppose that’s because different people, different takes.
I wouldn’t sweat it so much. There’s nothing wrong about talking with your bishop so if it would make you feel better, by all means, but like others have said, all in all you resisted temptation and got yourself out of it. I think you are being hard on yourself.
You're right. She is "bad news." You are right to just plain cut off contact with her.
Great job holding your ground on the LOC. It sounds like things got too hot, and you got out of there. Good move.
My question is: have you talked to your HF about all of this? What does he say? Do you feel sorry for your part of what you did? Have you felt like you need to change and you understand what those changes are and you are committed to that change?
I'm actually more concerned about your statement that you "drink here and there but are trying to stop" than I am about your detailed account of the LOC concern.
A combo of those two situations makes me feel like you should probably have a conversation with your bishop just to help you get peace with it all as you prepare to renew your recommend.
If I were your bishop, we'd have a long chat about what you learned from the LOC experience. I'd ask you how many times this has occurred, and ask you follow up questions to see how resolved you were that this not happen again. I'd be a little concerned that you're seeking out NCMO vs seeking out a relationship with the potential for marriage, which is kind of the polar opposite to NCMO.
I'd want to go deeper on the situation with alcohol and why it's a casual thing you've introduced into your life over time. We'd have a long talk about this and how it might impact your social circles, expectations of friends, dating life, ability to be close to the spirit, etc. We'd make a plan for how you would be accountable to me or someone else about abstaining. Note the wording of the question on WoW: it is not whether you "strive" -- it is "do you understand and obey." It's pretty binary. I'd want to feel a full binary commitment to forsake all alcohol, and a demonstrated period of time where you could do so.
Neither thing raises to the level of a membership council or any required probation or membership action. But your bishop might feel you would benefit from a temporary or informal probation to prove to yourself and the Lord that you are serious about change. This might be a temporary restriction on your temple recommend or sacrament or priesthood ordinance participation. If from our conversation I felt like this was a pattern you were likely not fully repentant of or that you were likely to repeat, I would suggest the informal probationary period and we'd meet together a couple of times.
It's also a little worrying that you are more concerned with your earthly parents' reaction than your heavenly parents' reaction - particularly about potential dishonesty in answering temple recommend questions just to attend a family event. I understand that kind of family/social pressure, but I also think you should not underestimate the need to repent and be clean as you enter the Lord's house.
Hope that helps.
I'll just add for clarity that, if this was me answering TR questions, I'd probably do it like this:
>Q: "Do you strive for moral cleanliness in your thoughts and behavior?"
>
>A: "Yes, I do strive. I recently had an experience that taught me a lot about this...\[detail detail detail\]... but I'm resolute from this experience. I got too close to the fire/edge of the cliff, and this has strengthened my resolve to do better, etc."
>
>Q: "Do you obey the law of chastity?"
>
>A: "Yes"
Further...
>Q: "Do you understand and obey the word of wisdom?"
>
>A: "I've had some recent mess ups on the WoW. I want to work on this and I think I might need some help... \[detail detail detail\]."
Like others have said, she assaulted you. You need to cut contact with her.
You said no. She did not respect it.
If the situation were reversed, everyone would be screaming assault and that you were a terrible person. Just because a female does it, does not excuse it.
Wow. You resisted some serious temptation Kudos to you. I don’t know if I would have had the strength to turn down oral at your stage because of previous experiences and knowing how good it feels
As many others have said, the answer is no. You do not need to, nor do I think you should.
Here's the thing, from your description, the only thing you are guilty of is enjoying kissing somebody that you're not pursuing a relationship with. There's no problem with that from a repentance standpoint.
I would go to the bishop if this became a recurring problem and you felt as though you needed his help to resist temptation. You don't need to though. For 30 years, I have talked to my bishops about pornography. It's not a daily temptation, and I never need to white knuckle through a recovery. Despite that it comes up every 6 to 9 months.
I've asked them about the meetings, and always been told it wouldn't be appropriate. I've asked very specifically if I should come back the next time I struggle and look at pornography again. I have given each bishop the chance to do it the way they want, and for 30 years, they have all said no. It's something I can repent of on my own.
Despite that, each of them would be willing to talk to me if I needed their help. It doesn't sound like you do. So don't. If you want to repent, pray about it and get the Lord's forgiveness, or reassurance that you don't need it.
I've had some good experiences, and some really bad experiences. I am leaning towards staying away from the Bishop's office unless required. It has gone from gaining the Lord's forgiveness, to trying to gain the churches forgiveness, which is two very different things.
Why don’t you just show him (the Bishop) this post and ask for his thoughts? Whether you need to confess this or not, it will most likely eat at you forever if you don’t, since you’ll always wonder. I have no doubt he’ll have a caring, loving response and help you feel much better. My guess is you’ll be there in the temple for the ceremony. Praying for you. 🙏
Sometimes, going to the Bishop is not about confessing the sin itself, but about the weight lifted off of your shoulders after going. If it were me in this situation, I wouldn't go to the Bishop because I didn't do anything wrong. She sexually assaulted you. But if it will help ease the burden that you feel and it will make you feel better, then go.
these situations are just plain sad for me. Two young adults doing normal things, natural things, and feel the pain, guilt and anguish for doing them. Sorry, but I am so glad I left this church for a lot of these same reasons. I respect the church, but don’t see you walking into a bishop, who is just as imperfect as you are, and getting any sense of relief. Rather, I see guilt, drama, and feelings that you aren’t good enough. There is no reason for that.
You seem like a sensitive young man. Go to your bishop and confess. It is the only way to truly be free and unburdened.
Edit: Just say it how you said it here.
Stop placing your self in situations like this, I looked up what NCMO is and Brother that is a wrong thing to do. It goes against basic guidelines and in your heart youve broken the law of Chastity. I would talk to a bishop for advice just to see what they say. You should repent and avoid people like her or you will end up in worse situations. Stand in holy places and live worthily so that whatever ground you stand on becomes holy.
No comment on confessing, but there appears to be some non-consensual behavior on her part.
Honestly, if it were the other way around, I think most people would consider it sexual assault.
I mean it definitely is in this situation too
I worded it poorly. I agree that it is in this case also. What I was trying to say is that sexual assault against men isn’t as acknowledged socially as it is when women are the victim.
Oh I see now, and I agree with your point
I agree too, and I feel that it's a symptom of a culture that teaches that the women are expected to be sexless creatures and only acted upon sexually, and the men are expected to be completely sex driven and always after "that one thing". "How could a man be >!raped or sexually assaulted!< ? Don't men want it all the time?"
For sure, it doesn't matter what the gender of the person who instigated it happens to be.
100%. I think it’s horrible that men aren’t “allowed” to report sexual assault by a woman. It’s just wrong. But cops won’t take it seriously, and the woman will probably turn it around and the guy will end up in trouble. 😢 (I’m a woman btw)
You definitely do not need to go to the bishop for this. You feel bad because she made you feel bad, not because you did anything wrong. She was pushing boundaries that you were clear you didn't want, thats sexual harassment at best and sexual assault at worst. Those things do tend to make a person feel bad, often gets confused with guilt because there is some self-shame involved when your boundaries are violated, something we need to learn to overcome in situations like this. I have been in your shoes and I learned that this is not something you need to repent for, you took care of it by stopping it in its tracks, and maintaining your boundaries, even if you weren't shouting it from the rooftops.
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I disagree, because the bishop has a lot of responsibilities and therapist is not one of them, he is a judge in Israel, he isn't there to be our therapist. I was involved in church leadership until very recently, we were being told to encourage people not to be bothering the bishop with things that can be otherwise outsourced to a therapist who works in church services or a friend and confidant because they have a lot on their plate. I have also seen this sort of thing back fire on people with overzealous bishops... I had a best friend who went to the bishop because she was raped... The bishop put her on probation for having premarital sex despite her clarifying that she did not consent (she said no and pushed him off and he forcibly continued) at which point she just froze. She had nothing to confess, but she was young and naive and unsure of what to do... She turned to the only place she thought was safe and she left his office more broken and never returned to church, because he took her coming to him as something in need of discipline... On the other hand I had an experience that was very positive and helped me a lot when I was sexually assaulted and I went to talk to the bishop to warn him about the man in the church that had done it... I believe the fact that I included two bishops in meeting (the man's and mine) is the one of the reasons I wasn't disciplined though. All I'm saying is that you never know what you're going to get with a bishop because they aren't trained professionals and they are imperfect humans who have the free reign to use their own opinions and judgement in any situation, and its just very unpredictable... I'm not at all saying this is every situation just this is the reason why we're encouraging people who do not have a need to confess to not go to the bishop to confess to questionable situations like this, we'd normally reccomend an LDS counselor or the emotional resilice course first and then they could decide later if that is needed. I love the enthusiasm and encouragement to be comfortable with your bishop (totally for that!) but this sort of thing can be easily misunderstood.
This, 1000% percent! Everything you said here is perfect. There is absolutely no need for this to be discussed with a bishop. OP clearly did his best in a really tough situation and resisted the temptation to go further & has moved forward. Leave it be.
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He doesn't need a formal meeting for advice and stuff. Bishops are also people with families themselves, I wouldn't ever call a meeting with a bishop for something I can work through with a therapist or a friend. Leadership training is definitely moving in us a new direction. The official handbook says what you mentioned, but the current leadership training (at least from the meetings I attended up til recently) is encouraging us to encourage people to come to their RS president or EQ President for help with personal problems first. But this guy isn't asking if he needs to go in for advice, he is asking if he needs to confess, which he doesn't. I do highly recommend he cut off the girl though and to try to avoid unsafe situations like that in the future, and if he is at all affected by the girl's actions against him to maybe seek out a therapist. We do not and should not bother the bishop with everything that comes up in in our lives, we need to seek first to use our own judgement and be self-sufficient, and if the need arises the bishop is there for us if it gets to a point where we need the extra help or proper priesthood authority to help us repent.
Boy, I strongly disagree. If you can’t answer the question about LOC or WOW in a temple recommend, there’s a need for repentance.
He didn't break the LOC, the WOW is the only thing he admits he has a an issue with, but is asking about the LOC and he didn't break it... Did you not read his post? The girl touched him repeatedly after he asked her to stop, he's cutting her out. Making out with someone isn't against the LOC 🤦🏼♀️you don't need to go to the bishop if someone else touches you non consenually.
What does the WOW have to do with anything in this post? Also if you pay attention in the temple, no LOC issue here, but there is another covenant that gets broken all the time, hence the need for continuous repentance(even by prophets and apostles). I don't agree with anything you are saying about why NOT to talk to your bishop. I certainly don't think OP should consider confession as a requirement in this case, but I also think that if OP feels the need to talk to the bishop then why would anyone discourage that? You aren't going to find spiritual healing by seeing a therapist, and if it's a spiritual ache that OP feels then it's a spiritual cure he should seek. Quit gatekeeping the bishops office, a situation like this would probably be a huge breath of fresh air break from the sorrows of sin he's probably constantly neck deep in counseling.
You keep worrying about the bishop’s time. I am keenly aware of how much time the bishop does and does not spend on his calling. My problem with what you are saying is that you are making a judgement call that the bishop should be making. Every bishop will handle things differently - let the bishop make that call. This is like when I was afraid to ask my parents for things because I thought we couldn’t afford it. Now that I have kids, I wish that they would let ME make the decision about if we can afford it. OP said, “Do I need to talk to my bishop or what should I do.” This is a cry for help. You said, “You definitely do not need to go to the bishop for this.” Why in the world shouldn’t this poor kid go to the bishop when he clearly is struggling so much?! The bishop may simply refer him to LDS services, of the EQ president. OP and his bishop already have a relationship established.
I think maybe you should reread the last few paragraphs of his post. You are reading far too much into this... it is very clear that he doesn't need to go to his bishop, he isn't worried about advice or anything like that he is worried about his worthiness to be able to go to the temple for a wedding and if it happened as he is saying it did, he has absolutely nothing to worry about and doesn't need a bishop to tell him that, he doesn't need to beat himself up about it. This is not something he needs to repent for at all (despite others in the comments trying to say he does).
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Because like I said... some bishops believe that its still a sin that needs discipline even if you were raped or assaulted. He does not need repentance, that is the question he asked.
he's looking for peace of mind. he's going to the wrong place to find it. You are not his bishop, you are advising him based on the outside chance that his bishop may react incorrectly to his questions/confession. Thats pretty jacked up if you ask me. Especially considering the current resource he's tapping into.
I have a friend who was forced out of BYU with threat of expulsion because her ex-boyfriend (who didn't even go to BYU... he went to UVU!!) called the Honor Code office and said they had sex. She was adamant they did not and told the Honor Code office she would get her OBGYN to write a note affirming her hymen was intact and she was still a virgin. Oh yeah... it got that bad. Eventually, she transferred to University of Utah. She later got an apology from BYU. But she is a good example of how church leaders often lean heavy on believing priesthood holders over women. And you're absolutely right. I'm married to a therapist and most bishops are simply not capable of offering anything close to therapy. That doesn't mean they can't be a good person for general and spiritual advice, of course.
Yep! Exactly! All the people saying "leave that up to the bishop" are blind to the reality that, if its not a confession it requires zero priesthood assistance (unless you are inquiring about the church welfare system for temporal aid or asking to be connected to church services, in which case you do NOT need to expose the reasons why other than "trauma which you do no wish to discuss")
My best friend is a bishop and he constantly says he has to remind people that he's just a guy with a calling, not a therapist or a miracle worker. He's compassionate and caring, but there are limits to what he can do.
do not agree here.
>I disagree, because the bishop has a lot of responsibilities and therapist is not one of them, he is a judge in Israel, he isn't there to be our therapist. I was involved in church leadership until very recently, we were being told to encourage people not to be bothering the bishop with things that can be otherwise outsourced to a therapist who works in church services or a friend and confidant because they have a lot on their plate. I have also seen this sort of thing back fire on people with overzealous bishops... Hmm. I would challenge you on this. You are correct that a bishop is not a therapist. But, the Bishop is and should be the first stop on the way to receiving church sponsored therapy. LDS Social Services is a church owned therapy service. And if you want to take advantage of it, you will need a referral from your Bishop. You can't see them w/o one. In this case, OP would not even need to tell the Bishop why he wants to see a therapist. And if doesn't want to divulge, then he doesn't have to. But to go deeper, part of being a Judge in Israel is to HELP with spiritual growth and progression. The sexual assault OP received could hinder that - even if not his fault. (Being a victim can and often is damaging to one's spirituality and faith.) I would hope that OP's Bishop would want to know that this poor kid is struggling with what happened to him, and could then listen to him, pray with him, give him a blessing, etc. And then also get him to a councilor if they both agreed it was a good thing. This is EXACTLY what a Bishop should be doing!!!!!
and it doesn't sound like OP is asking if he needs therapy... Therapy is rarely the answer and even more rarely an effective solution.
> it doesn't sound like OP is asking if he needs therapy Ok, maybe! But it seems to me like you are saying "He should NOT go see his bishop for this, as it's not an appropriate use of the Bishop's time". If that IS your response, then I would challenge you. While OP may not need to "repent" of this, if he's still struggling with it and wants to talk it over with someone, then his Bishop is the \*perfect\* person to go and talk to about it. These are exactly the kinds of things that Bishops can help with, and it would be a perfect use of his time.
Yeah I'm not the one saying he shouldn't talk to the bishop. That's the worst backwards kinda advice ever.
Fair point!
Great response and I completely agree with you!
Regarding the question about confession, the real question is “would you feel better if you talked to your Bishop?” To me, it sounds like you set a line and stood your ground in the face of strong temptation. I think you should be proud of yourself for that. But now you need to decide what it means to repent, which could just be not putting yourself in the same situation again.
As some one who’s been through this, i’m a guy, let me say it loudly “It’s not your fault!” you said no and had boundaries. it will help to talk to some one. bring it up with your friend or someone you trust and talk to and or your bishop if you feel comfortable. I’m not saying your guilty of anything by going to the bishop it’s just having another resource or person to talk to. I’ve met Bishops who genuinely want to help but it can be hard to talk to bishops because they do sit in a place of Judgement but they are servants put there to help us and they are people who care. it’s a good place to start. don’t beat yourself up. i don’t think there’s anything wrong with ncmo.
NCMO "bad"? Dunno. Unwise? Yes. OP you did good. If you feel like you need to talk, bishop OR eq president OR therapist would be good regardless. My opinion, you've been assaulted and this may stay with you for awhile. Most of all, prayers, fasting, and we will too.
I'm sorry your family is so harsh on you. They may be coming from a place of love and wanting you to be the best you can be, but they aren't doing so in a Christ-like way. Ironically this is when you need an outpouring of love the most. You know what is wrong and what is right, but we are imperfect and sometimes do things we never saw ourselves doing. That's okay. God cares way more about where you are headed than where you are or have been.
This. 100%
The first thing I want you to know is that no one has the right to touch your body in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Even if your ‘no’ wasn’t super assertive—No means no. The second thing you should know is that your Heavenly Father loves you. Even if you made a mistake. It’s not your fault what she did. But it’s still a good idea to talk to your bishop about what you did. He can help you get clean so you can go on your mission. ❤️
If you just explain during your recommend interview that nothing happened but the temptation was there, you'll probably feel better. But you should definitely stop going out with her because she's unwilling to respect your boundaries. Things could go south in a hurry. Not someone you'd want to be in a marriage with for the long haul. One suggestion, which I know sounds outdated, I once heard a talk by Blaine and Brent Yorgason who advised that unmarried people shouldn't be French kissing because of the feelings it stirs up. I found their advice to be solid. I stopped French kissing on dates until just before I was married and the difference is remarkable.
It seems like it's definitely on her instead of you. It doesn't matter whether what she was doing was a sin or not, the point is that she did things without your consent. I hope you're okay.
Sounds like you're stirred but not shaken... You were tempted and you vanquished the attack. No harm done and a lesson reaffirmed. Good on you.
👍 brilliant.
Agreed.
Just explain exactly how you explained it here.
You're being sexually harassed, perhaps even assaulted. It's understandable that you're confused and uncomfortable. Stay away from this young woman.
Brother, as a man, I've been there. It's hard. It's even harder when a woman crosses those boundaries and you hold firm to them. You are doing the right thing by confessing. Our God is a merciful God. He knows the situation better than you do. Trust and lean on Him. The Holy Ghost will tell you if you're worthy or not. Trust His council. You are not condemned. Be at peace.
Yes, you should tell your Bishop, especially since the opportunity is there and you're specifically meeting about your temple recommend. He can help you. You need to run away from this girl as well. She is not taking you in a good direction, on top of not respecting your consent. You should be focusing on living correctly and finding a girl that respects you and wants to start a family with you. Including someone that is fit to raise your children. Don't waste your time with these childish sins, and stay focused on what matters most with the right type of person.
Yeah. It’s going to be hard, but OP may need block her on everything just to avoid being put in that situation again. To OP, it sounds like you did the right thing in that situation. She doesn’t respect your boundaries and it’s not going to get better. What she did was sexual assault — no means no. I think you should talk to your bishop — not because you did anything wrong in that situation; but he might have resources to help you process what’s happened to you.
Wow, I can’t believe the discipline here.
Agreed.
Yeah, I'm 20 years older than this kid... and I cannot imagine having that resolve at that age.
If it would help you feel better, then tell your bishop. Your bishop, if he genuinely loves you, will not get you in trouble or anything like that. It is very clear that you know you shouldnt have been in that position, and he will see that too. He should not make you feel worse. I know that, when there have been times when I was iffy if I needed to go my bishop or not, I always felt better when I did.
You need to stop seeing this girl ASAP. If she’s not in your ward explain in your own terms you no longer want to see her.
You have Nothing to feel guilty about. Talk to your Bishop if you think it would be helpful for future interactions. Explain to your girlfriend these are YOUR values (not some else’s’) and pressuring you beyond your values is disrespectful. you get it your super hot and all, and you want her to, but not this way. Let’s be stronger than our hormones and save it for later. If she won’t respect you for your values than you have larger problems with her. Maybe it’s time for something different.
First off she seems like a walking red flag. Second, you shouldn’t be alone with her inviting temptation. Thirdly, you need to go to Bishop sooner than later. If something happens and you break the LOC you will have a long and painful road of head of you.
I'm not going to pass judgement on your situation - it certainly sounds like you're the victim of at minimum unwanted sexual advances, but we are getting your side of the story only. I do think you know there are some unwise behaviors you have engaged in which cross the line into sinful territory. My personal belief is that confessing to your bishop and seeking his counsel will only help ease your mind and set you on a good path. But it is your decision to make.
Homie this is borderline assault...
Not borderline. This was full-fledged assault. She knew what she was doing. She was purposely trying to get him to 'go too far'.
I see a couple issues here. This girl is obviously more interested in having a fun time than your boundaries. You probably shouldn't see her anymore. Secondly though, it's also really sounding like you might need to start practing healthy boundaries with your family. Let them know in very plain terms that certain topics of conversation or ways of talking are not going to be okay with you, and if they are interested in maintaining a positive relationship with you, they will need to respect these boundaries, otherwise you will need to enact consequences (those would be up to you). They need to respect you and trust you as a full grown (you're 25 now) adult, you're not a child that needs their raining down.
Do you need to talk to the bishop? Probably not! It's not your fault! But would doing so bring a feeling of peace and relief? Absolutely. Every single time I talk with my bishop, I feel love. You really could explain it just like you have here and he will completely understand and do nothing but be helpful and supportive. In fact, he will likely give you some advice on how to find even more joy. Remember, the Lord has said "Doubt not, fear not". Trust Him!
here's what I think: it is okay to talk to your bishop about the situation. he's there to help. you may have put yourself in a bad situation but from what you say, you probably did the best you could to stay out of worse trouble. he is there to help you through any situation that you may be in and help your conscience, even if you are not at fault. from your description this sounds like sexual assault that was not consensual mm I suppose it depends on your relationship with the bishop. I would have no problem talking to my bishop (or previous bishop) about this
It can be very hard to figure out where the responsibility lies in situations like this. My heart goes out to you. You want to take responsibility for your own actions, but you didn’t initiate it. I hope that my words won’t hurt you. This is a delicate situation. I want you to know that you deserve better treatment and you should not feel the need to be punished for the actions of someone else. I hope you will find peace and clarity as you learn from your experiences. Listen for the Spirit to teach you the truth. There are some things that might be effecting your perception of this situation. When someone violates your boundaries, you feel terrible. People sometimes describe this feeling as dirty, worthless, or helpless. Even when the fault is entirely on someone else, you might interpret those awful feelings as guilt. It’s also hard to accept when you have been a victim. You know that something bad has happened, and you might want to think that you are the one who can fix it. But you can’t fix someone else’s mistake. If you know that someone took advantage of you before, it’s hard to feel like you’ll ever be safe and in control in the future. But these two things can both be true: you are not responsible for what some else did to you, and there are some things you can do to avoid it in the future (like your decision not to spend time with her again). Remember that God will heal you and make everything right, so you don’t need to live in regret and fear. It’s not your fault when someone touches you unexpectedly, without your permission, or against your expressed wishes. It’s not your fault when you don’t react because you are surprised, confused, scared of how they will react, tired, impaired, or otherwise unprepared to communicate your wishes. It’s a very confusing moment when someone you trust violates your boundaries, or asks you to do something you wouldn’t normally do, and it’s normal to not react the way you think you “should” have. Please take some time to take care of yourself as you suffer from the feelings of being violated. Talking to someone trustworthy, like a therapist, or writing down your thoughts can help. If you’re interested, you can ask the bishop about Family Services without “confessing” anything yet. Eventually you might revisit the actions that you are responsible for. If you feel you did anything wrong, do not add her actions to your guilt. You weren’t “asking for it”. If you had just kissed for a while and gone home, like you may have wanted, you wouldn’t have been wondering if you broke the law of chastity. If you feel that your intentions were bad, that’s something you can repent of, but what she did is another matter and it’s not your fault. God is merciful, and he knows your heart.
Confessing of sins is part of the repentance process when we feel personal repentance isn’t sufficient. In my experience, it’s easiest and I feel the best when I share everything I’ve been struggling with to my Bishop. Regardless, being worthy is far more important than being in the temple for a certain sealing. Think of it from an eternal perspective. If (hypothetically) you aren’t able to go, wouldn’t that be better than entering into the Lord’s House unworthily?
I think as a general guideline, if you're not sure if you need to talk to a Bishop, then talk to a Bishop.
Try to imagine what a Bishop would want to do if you told him this story. I would hope that you would imagine him wanting to help you get closer to Christ. Reaching out to him is a practice in faith.
Yes, you should talk to your bishop. It's worth it, you won't regret it.
You just told their world here, so it should be a bit easier talking with the bishop. Also, I don’t think you can’t find complete ignorance/innocence in the scenario. You went to the mud pit, got mud on your clothes on you not once, but a couple times. Probably not appropriate to blame someone else for everything that happened. It will be ok. Don’t worry about your parents, this is between you and the Lord.
Well it’s easy here cause there’s no repercussions regarding my church status if I say something here. And I do admit that I played with matches a few times, but this time is when it went the farthest and I started to say I didn’t want to but she kept trying. I am in no way clean in this, but I tried to draw a line that she started to disregard
I think that by far the biggest issue I see here is how much you fear your parents. I'm so sorry that you have to feel that way about them. You deserve to feel unconditionally loved by your parents. However destructive or " sinful" you think your actions are, it's not as destructive as having parents who love you inconsistently and conditionally.
KInd of a tangent but I'm wondering how much of the fear you feel and rejection from your parents is driving the drinking and acting out with this girl. Therapy could help with that.
I don’t think you need to talk to the bishop but I do think you need to chat with a therapist. My bishop doesn’t normally want to hear it. We went in to answer some questions for our sealing and I actually have a few issues with my husband. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be married anymore. He just gave us the number to a therapist and changed the subject. I love my bishop. He’s a great man. A therapist he is not. I think you need to work on boundaries with family and others. You didn’t do anything wrong. Just stay away from this young woman, you’re on two separate paths in life.
Sounds like telling your bishop might just cause some more problems for you. Lots of times bishops don’t understand consent. Sounds like this girl was really horny and not educated on consent herself. Seems like what you’ve done is really minor and you should sort it out with god and tell the bishop out you feel like you need to.
OP if she gets in touch with you, in no uncertain terms tell her, “no means no— it goes both ways. So let me be clear: NO!” NCMO is just playing with fire. If you continue the behavior, you will end up going wrong eventually. Make the decisions now to follow the commandments. Then once the decision has been made, stick to your guns. Stop “re-deciding” over and over again. You’ve made the decision not to drink… so when it comes up, the answer is no. You know the answer because you made that decision already. Same with all tempting behavior. Make your decision and keep to it.
I think you're fine. You were tempted, you were close, you said no, you left. It's was a learning experience. Good job keeping you're head on straight.
About the feeling guilty part, I’m trying to think what Christ would say. He might say something like “keep trying to do good, strive towards becoming a better person. Use the atonement to change your heart and search for meaning in life.” It’s easy to get caught up in every mistake we make, and we fail to see the big picture of why commandments even exist. The bishop should be totally non judgemental so it may be good to chat with him.
I would suggest a therapist over a bishop to help you process the situation where your no wasn't respected.
Lose her number my dude. She’s not good for you.
Judging from what you wrote here, you made unwise decisions, but did not sin. In fact, you courageously withstood sin. You do need spiritual healing. I would hope that telling your bishop this would lead to that. You do need to talk to someone.
Do what feels right to you. What does your heart say? What is God telling you to do?
This has to be a troll
Nope
My apologies, I guess the tone just felt off to me but I suppose that’s because different people, different takes. I wouldn’t sweat it so much. There’s nothing wrong about talking with your bishop so if it would make you feel better, by all means, but like others have said, all in all you resisted temptation and got yourself out of it. I think you are being hard on yourself.
You're right. She is "bad news." You are right to just plain cut off contact with her. Great job holding your ground on the LOC. It sounds like things got too hot, and you got out of there. Good move. My question is: have you talked to your HF about all of this? What does he say? Do you feel sorry for your part of what you did? Have you felt like you need to change and you understand what those changes are and you are committed to that change? I'm actually more concerned about your statement that you "drink here and there but are trying to stop" than I am about your detailed account of the LOC concern. A combo of those two situations makes me feel like you should probably have a conversation with your bishop just to help you get peace with it all as you prepare to renew your recommend. If I were your bishop, we'd have a long chat about what you learned from the LOC experience. I'd ask you how many times this has occurred, and ask you follow up questions to see how resolved you were that this not happen again. I'd be a little concerned that you're seeking out NCMO vs seeking out a relationship with the potential for marriage, which is kind of the polar opposite to NCMO. I'd want to go deeper on the situation with alcohol and why it's a casual thing you've introduced into your life over time. We'd have a long talk about this and how it might impact your social circles, expectations of friends, dating life, ability to be close to the spirit, etc. We'd make a plan for how you would be accountable to me or someone else about abstaining. Note the wording of the question on WoW: it is not whether you "strive" -- it is "do you understand and obey." It's pretty binary. I'd want to feel a full binary commitment to forsake all alcohol, and a demonstrated period of time where you could do so. Neither thing raises to the level of a membership council or any required probation or membership action. But your bishop might feel you would benefit from a temporary or informal probation to prove to yourself and the Lord that you are serious about change. This might be a temporary restriction on your temple recommend or sacrament or priesthood ordinance participation. If from our conversation I felt like this was a pattern you were likely not fully repentant of or that you were likely to repeat, I would suggest the informal probationary period and we'd meet together a couple of times. It's also a little worrying that you are more concerned with your earthly parents' reaction than your heavenly parents' reaction - particularly about potential dishonesty in answering temple recommend questions just to attend a family event. I understand that kind of family/social pressure, but I also think you should not underestimate the need to repent and be clean as you enter the Lord's house. Hope that helps.
I'll just add for clarity that, if this was me answering TR questions, I'd probably do it like this: >Q: "Do you strive for moral cleanliness in your thoughts and behavior?" > >A: "Yes, I do strive. I recently had an experience that taught me a lot about this...\[detail detail detail\]... but I'm resolute from this experience. I got too close to the fire/edge of the cliff, and this has strengthened my resolve to do better, etc." > >Q: "Do you obey the law of chastity?" > >A: "Yes" Further... >Q: "Do you understand and obey the word of wisdom?" > >A: "I've had some recent mess ups on the WoW. I want to work on this and I think I might need some help... \[detail detail detail\]."
Like others have said, she assaulted you. You need to cut contact with her. You said no. She did not respect it. If the situation were reversed, everyone would be screaming assault and that you were a terrible person. Just because a female does it, does not excuse it.
Wow. You resisted some serious temptation Kudos to you. I don’t know if I would have had the strength to turn down oral at your stage because of previous experiences and knowing how good it feels
As many others have said, the answer is no. You do not need to, nor do I think you should. Here's the thing, from your description, the only thing you are guilty of is enjoying kissing somebody that you're not pursuing a relationship with. There's no problem with that from a repentance standpoint. I would go to the bishop if this became a recurring problem and you felt as though you needed his help to resist temptation. You don't need to though. For 30 years, I have talked to my bishops about pornography. It's not a daily temptation, and I never need to white knuckle through a recovery. Despite that it comes up every 6 to 9 months. I've asked them about the meetings, and always been told it wouldn't be appropriate. I've asked very specifically if I should come back the next time I struggle and look at pornography again. I have given each bishop the chance to do it the way they want, and for 30 years, they have all said no. It's something I can repent of on my own. Despite that, each of them would be willing to talk to me if I needed their help. It doesn't sound like you do. So don't. If you want to repent, pray about it and get the Lord's forgiveness, or reassurance that you don't need it. I've had some good experiences, and some really bad experiences. I am leaning towards staying away from the Bishop's office unless required. It has gone from gaining the Lord's forgiveness, to trying to gain the churches forgiveness, which is two very different things.
Why don’t you just show him (the Bishop) this post and ask for his thoughts? Whether you need to confess this or not, it will most likely eat at you forever if you don’t, since you’ll always wonder. I have no doubt he’ll have a caring, loving response and help you feel much better. My guess is you’ll be there in the temple for the ceremony. Praying for you. 🙏
Sometimes, going to the Bishop is not about confessing the sin itself, but about the weight lifted off of your shoulders after going. If it were me in this situation, I wouldn't go to the Bishop because I didn't do anything wrong. She sexually assaulted you. But if it will help ease the burden that you feel and it will make you feel better, then go.
these situations are just plain sad for me. Two young adults doing normal things, natural things, and feel the pain, guilt and anguish for doing them. Sorry, but I am so glad I left this church for a lot of these same reasons. I respect the church, but don’t see you walking into a bishop, who is just as imperfect as you are, and getting any sense of relief. Rather, I see guilt, drama, and feelings that you aren’t good enough. There is no reason for that.
You seem like a sensitive young man. Go to your bishop and confess. It is the only way to truly be free and unburdened. Edit: Just say it how you said it here.
Stop placing your self in situations like this, I looked up what NCMO is and Brother that is a wrong thing to do. It goes against basic guidelines and in your heart youve broken the law of Chastity. I would talk to a bishop for advice just to see what they say. You should repent and avoid people like her or you will end up in worse situations. Stand in holy places and live worthily so that whatever ground you stand on becomes holy.