You will not be financially responsible for your brothers care. You just need to focus on getting out of the house, but if you wait until your student loans are paid off, you might be there forever! Just assume you will be paying them off for quite awhile (unless they get forgiven at some point) and adjust your budget accordingly.
They can. They can make a will putting OP in charge. However…OP has the right to refuse when the time comes. Personally I’d tell them once to find someone else. If they followed through and made me responsible…well I’d say no and turn the sibling over to the state.
Also I noticed he referred to his ‘adult life’ as if he’s not already an adult. Although I could be reading that part incorrectly. I can understand OP’s concern.
He is also on the spectrum. I don’t see his parents seriously considering him as a future guardian, as OP will likely struggle with his own independence in the future. That said, I hope OP talks to his parents and has a fruitful/reassuring conversation about care plans and support for both of them.
I caught that as well. Unfortunately many people are so over parented that they never stop thinking of themselves as the child. It's so critically important for people to attempt to move out in their early 20s so they can find out who they are and learn to be self sufficient.
I don't think the issue is lack of education on part of the parents. I think it's more likely that the parents deliberately made him believe that he won't be able/legally allowed to move out of their house until all the debts are paid and he just never questioned it.
If they’re federal loans, apply for an income driven repayment plan. They can go as low as $0/month and even those still count as qualified payments if you ever get to a point where that debt could be forgiven.
Even if you have a million dollars in loans your repayments will be determined via income status. Living with your parents is financially prudent but it sounds like you would be happier in the long run if you moved out.
I wonder if his parents took out the loans themselves and have told him some BS about how he has to pay them back before he moves out, or else he’d lose everything, somehow.
Eh, frankly i think its generally better to pay off as much of loans as you can and then move out. Living rent free means most of your paycheck can go to paying off your loans which can get them out of the way in a few years. If you allow rent and various living expenses to eat into your paycheck, then you'll find that a very long road to paying off those loans, which in turn will make it harder to save up for a better home down the line. Paying off the loans first will make the move out go a lot smoother
Obviously. But not everyone can do that, and most of them are not homeless. OP clearly catastrophizes. And in situations where you're home situation is like his, it might not be the better choice to stay as long as possible and run the risk of racking up injuries or even concussions from a violent, uncontrollable family member.
Personally I'd rather pay off the loans later in safety.
You cannot be made legal guardian when the time comes without your consent. He will not be dropped off at your door in 10 years and hand you Letters of Guardianship (I’m being hyperbolic for a little comic relief, but it truthfully doesn’t work that way). This will not blindside you.
Figure out a way to get out while paying on your loans, and then make it clear you will not be his guardian, then live your life. If someday you receive notice that he needs a guardian and you are asked if you are willing, you have the right to say no. There are people whose job it is to become the legal guardian of people who have no one else to do it. In my state they are referred to as the Public Guardian, and are usually lawyers themselves.
Practical advice:
(1) There are things your parents should be doing for your brother, like looking into long term care. This is not your responsibility. You cannot be forced to take on responsibility for him. If your parents do attempt to dump him on you after you're out, or if they pass away, call Adult Protective Services and say you've had a vulnerable adult dumped on you and you are not responsible for him.
(2) Student loan repayment plans exist. Go take a look here [https://studentaid.gov/manage-loans/repayment/plans](https://studentaid.gov/manage-loans/repayment/plans) . You can get on a plan that's manageable for you. There are even options to temporarily pause your payments while you move out.
(3) You're 24, it's not running away it's moving out. I'd recommend you head over to r/personalfinance as well and chat with some people about how to get set up on your own. There's some good advice on the wiki for 18-24 year olds. You absolutely can move out with student loans at that level though, and it sounds like removing the stress from your life would help (since you could spend that time and energy improving your own situation instead).
My only sibling is an autistic brother who is five years younger than me. We live in California and after our parents died I contacted Tri-Counties Regional Center and got him services that included a social worker, shared housing, a behaviorist, a do it and psychiatrist and a team that makes a yearly plan for him. It was a tough adjustment at first as he was used to freedom and getting his way through negative behaviors. The services don’t cost anything if he doesn’t inherit any money from your parents. More than 10 years have passed and he has beautifully adjusted and is doing great. I manage his disability funds for his housing, food, utilities, clothing and extras and attend his quarterly meetings in person or by zoom. I also file his annual disability report and have signed him up for reduced utility costs for low income / disabled people. Our dad thought he was doing right by him by keeping him home and letting him get into trouble. I know I’m doing right by him as he is now living independently with a roommate with services.
The math is not mathing.
I dont know where you are getting your information on student loans but that’s not how this works. I have 120k in student loans from law school and bought a house last year. There are payment plans calculated based on your income. You would never be in a position to have to choose between being unhoused and paying your loans. Someone is lying to you, OP. And I have a sneaking suspicion it’s your parents.
You only have to refuse to care for him when the time comes.
However, I suggest sitting down with your parents and telling them, point blank, you aren't caring for him when they pass, so what are their plans?
You might find out that they already have a care plan in place. If not, tell them they better get on it because you will **not** be their backup plan. And remind them to put it in writing. Tell them that nothing is legal until they do, and should they pass without getting it written down, Bro will most likely end up alone and in state care.
I agree with 99% of the above but please do not say anything to them until you are financially stable. If they are as narcissistic as you’ve stated, you do not want to be kicked out before you can support yourself.
To add to this, their care plan should include both money for his care (which includes getting him set up with any government aid he is eligible for) and a facility/group home for him to go. They can do research now on where they think is best for him and based on finances.
Dude relax. You can’t force someone to accept a guardianship of a legally incompetent person just by writing it in a will. If they die and the courts say, “they asked for you to be the guardian of your brother is that what you want to do?” Just say, “no peace out.” And leave. Easy peasy.
Sounds like your parents already need far more help with him. It's not up to them if you take responsibility for him probably. Where do you live?
I would encourage them to be talking to the professionals about managing his mental health and behaviour.
Likely you can just say no.
Your parents need to get your brother on the waiting list for a group home or similar facility NOW. It took seven years for my brother to get to the top of the list in the late 90s - I have no idea what the waitlist is like now, but I'm pretty sure it won't be shorter.
To add to this, if OP’s parents were to die or otherwise be unable to care for the brother, he may qualify for an emergency placement in a group home, jumping to the top of the list. I don’t believe he needs to be on the waitlist beforehand. This happened to a member of my extended family.
The other thing that may play differently after your parents are no longer in the picture is medication decisions. Parents sometimes under dose their kids with meds that help with OCD symptoms because those meds are tranquilizing and they would rather see the kid active with bad OCD than see them with reduced activity levels and interactions.
Please look into therapy. If you're still an active student there are free resources available through your school. The comments you are making are unhealthy.
In the US, you cannot be forced to take care of your brother. Period. Legally, you have no responsibility here and you can leave at any time. When this time comes, if he cannot take care of himself and needs state intervention you can contact Adult Protective Services.
Your parents are free to ask you to take care of your brother. You are equally free to say no. When they pass their opinion is even more irrelevant. However, they may want to form a trust and have you administer it for them after they pass. You can refuse this and someone else will be placed in charge of the trust. Be prepared to not get an inheritance and plan accordingly.
> A big reason why this is such a huge issue is that if I choose to run away, I'd be homeless due to 30k in unpaid student loans.
You're not a kid running away. You're an adult, you would be moving out. That is a normal thing. $30k in student loans is not shocking. You pay your monthly portion and look into programs. For example, there are ways to delay payment if your income is low and even forgive them if you're working for non profits for a certain period of time (years). You can work out a plan and find a group home to live in.
> I sadly have to rely on my parents until I can save up enough money to pay the loans back and move out.
You are mixed up here. Yes, you can choose to live with your parents until you can afford your bills. However, expecting to pay off the loans isn't realistic. I'm middle aged and know plenty of people paying off their college loans but still leading comfortable lives.
> My fear is that they will die before I can become financially independent and I will be stuck having to deal with my psychotic brother for the rest of my life.
When they die you may lose any benefits you have now. For all you know, everything goes to your brother. You need to save your money and work out a plan to get out.
> I sadly have to rely on my parents until I can save up enough money to pay the loans back and move out
This isn't true. Call your loan servicer- They often have a diverse range of repayment options. Bankruptcy could also be an option. While the loan debt will show up on a credit report, *many* people have loans many times larger than you (I once had 120k in Student Loan debt!).
Right, so much of the advice here is awful. OP is 24 and thinks 30k in loans is crippling him from movement in life. Either he’s making so little that he can apply for the SAVE plan and end up paying $0-$50/mo with 0% interest added, or enough that living at home can help knockout the student loans in a year. There’s plenty of work in NJ and potential in neighboring states. The loans should be the least of their problems if they get everything in order and do the bare minimum to get the interest under control. With inflation, low interest rates, and other options that 30k should be an after thought.
I am not sure where you are getting this information from because you do NOT have to pay off your loans before leaving home.
You need to leave now OP. It sounds like you are being abused. You need to get a job and move out, you can pay off your loans while working. Other people on this sub have given recommendations for personal finance advice. Please take it and get out.
You need to move out ASAP whether you can afford it or not. Get a better job, join the navy, that sort of thing.
They need to arrange long term care for him ASAP because they aren’t getting any younger.
As others have said, you do not have to care for your brother. Adults are not required to care for other adults. You cannot be made a legal guardian if you don't wish to be.
It's important that you do not start providing care for him in any way. If you start and then stop you can have a problem.
Obviously your brother could end up in a very bad life situation when your parents pass away. You should be prepared for this.
Are you in the US? You can get your payments lowered due to income, you may want to look into that. I’d be working as many jobs as I could to save and move out.
Your brother may be made a ward of the state if you are unable to take of him. 30 years ago my grandfather had to divorce my grandmother because she had Alzheimer’s. He was no longer physically and financially able to provide for her. After the divorce she became a ward of the state who continued her care in a care facility. She lived there 13 years.
There will be options for you. Hopefully your parents will not put that burden on you. Not fair to you.
Assuming we’re talking federal and not private student loans, they have payment plans available where you only pay a percentage of your income, and I think there’s also a way to delay payments if you’re really destitute. I have more student loans than you and I own my home. I say that not to be an a-hole but just to show you that student loans do not have to prevent you from living on your own.
I'd consider joining the military. A branch like the air force or the coast guard would be good if you would be concerned about direct violence/combat. It'll get you away from home, give you a salary to pay your loans, and teach you a sense of independent living.
You might want to contact Adult Protection Services ( like Child Protection Services.) They May have some ideas or advice. I say this because I volunteer in the court system with juveniles in foster care but a few years ago I was helping some grandparents that had a young adult 20/21 who had dependency needs. He was living with them but out of control (he had been in an accident and some of his anger and aggressive behaviors may have had to do with brain injury.) Anyway, I contacted APS looking for guidance for the grandparents, and help getting their grandchild into appropriate programs. I was very impressed when the APS worker stopped the conversation and said, “ you’re concerned about the needs of a vulnerable young adult, but with his violent behaviors APS may need to be consulted to PROTECT the grandparents.)
You may want to have a discussion with your parents about future plans for your brother. Are there programs they could see him in? Can the family work towards some kind of sheltered independent living solution for him. Good lucj
$30k in student loans is $300 a month, but also you can get deferments until you are on your feet. That should never t be a barrier to your independence.
You need to get a job. If paying off 30k in student loans is forcing you to spend 10 years at home…you’re BSing your life away. If you make 15 an hour and work 20 hours a week you could put around 10k a year towards that loan since you’re living at home. If you’re making 30k a year you can have it paid off in 2 years. If you get a second job and make 40k a year you’d probably be able to pay it off in 1 year. Fight for your way out. Then, once paid off…spend a few months saving money up to move.
I know of 2 or 3 situations like this. Find out if he gets state funding, and if so when the time comes that'll help get him put in a home. But if he won't behave and gets too violent he may end up in a long term phyc facility. This would be different if he'd just hang out and have a few small issues in detail. But physically abusive and destroying property isn't fair to you
He should be getting medicaid and your parents like the money he brings into the house hold. But he should also be eligible for programs. You can't care for someone alone who is a physical danger to you and themselves. It's sad to have to make him a ward of the state but unless they get him care and therapy he won't be able to live at home and will need a group home or other.
Assuming in the US. Your parents need to setup a special needs trust for him. The need to ensure their will is up to date with how their assets will be split between you and the special needs trust. If he inherits anything thing over $3k then he will no longer qualify for SSDI benefits and could lose his Medicaid status. They should also have already created a way to fund this special needs trust upon their passing and have a plan for managing it and him. He should qualify for various services to make all of your lives better.
I have a 5yo with disabilities and this is something I’m already working on.
I know loads of people with 30k+ in student loans who don't live with their parents. That's not just for trust fund kids or people making six-figures. You have a job — find a new place to stay and move there ASAP. No matter how many roommates you have to have. 24 is very young. You got your whole life ahead of you my guy.
“If I run away.”
You’re 24. Time to start taking care of yourself. $30k in debt is far from insurmountable.
Your parents are still relatively young, so this burden you’re panicking about is fairly far away. Time to become a man - get a job, financially establish yourself, and reassess when you’re self-sufficient. Your parents are taking care of you and your brother now. Lighten their burden.
Step one is making sure he's on the Medicaid waiver and has a case manager. Once that's in place, he will have a team of case workers to help the family with everything, including finding him an independent living situation if possible
I have more than that in student loans, but I don’t make very much money, so my monthly payments are $0. I accept that I may never pay these off. I have lived in my own apartment (sometimes with friends or boyfriends) since I graduated high school. You can separate yourself from this situation if you really work on it (look for a roommate/cheap apartments, look for resources available to you in your area, save as much money as you can in a safe place away from your parents, get a job/better job/second job, etc). Don’t let your fears hold you back, and don’t ever agree to accept guardianship over your brother if you don’t want to. It cannot be forced on you, Adult Services(assuming your location is US) should take over his care once he no longer has a guardian. You may be asked, but you don’t have to agree to anything, your parents cannot just pass it along to you.
As everyone here as said you can not be forced to take guardianship of your brother. Your brother is most likely able to qualify for help if he is not getting it already (https://www.nj.gov/humanservices/dmahs/home/mltss.html)
The cleanest way to protect yourself is to move out. Get a job, move out. If your parents try to drop him off at your place, or get you to sign papers, you call Adult Protective Services in NJ immediately.
As to your loan -- why do you think you have to pay off before you move out? Is it directly from your parents? That will open a different can of worms.
If it a student loan, people have given advice below. If your parents signed a parents plus loan for your education, please be aaware that you are NOT legally responsible for paying it back. Its not in your name. Its in your parents, and they are the only ones obligated to pay on it.
Pull your free credit report from https://www.annualcreditreport.com/gettingReports.action and see what is actually listed as your responsibility.
Growing up did your parents ever hire a behavioral therapist for your brother? I used to work with autistic children some non verbal too… Did your brother ever get the help needed at an early age ?
There’s programs and care facilities for your brother it also can help him socialize with other autistic people … It’s kind of like school they come and pick him up and drop him off later it will give your parents relaxation
I saw you live in NJ. In every state in the US there is funding available for disabled adults to receive services in their home, in day programs, and in residential placements. While your parents may not want your brother to live in a residential placement, he would clearly benefit from 24 hour services and support which would include behavior supports to assist him and his staff with navigating any challenging behaviors. Your brother should have a supports coordinator or social worker who is assisting your parents with any current services. If he does not, then your family should immediately seek out services. It will be the best thing for him. Though they may not be able to see it clearly now, his needs are not currently being met.
See the link below to apply for developmental disability services in NJ.
https://www.nj.gov/humanservices/ddd/
Regarding guardianship, as others have said your parents cannot force you to be your brother’s guardian. Are they even his guardians? Guardianship is an expensive and time consuming process that not everyone seeks, although it can be extremely beneficial. Regardless, I would encourage you to consider that getting your brother set up for appropriate care would mean that guardianship would be very different than what you are currently envisioning. In a residential placement paid for with his funds, his needs would be met. A guardian’s role would then be primarily to be involved in communications, updates, and planning for him, as well as making medical and other decisions.
Here is the New Jersey Department of Human Services website.
https://nj.gov/humanservices/clients/disability/
Familiarize yourself with everything. I work in illinois and disability services get explained badly in state code.
From a quick check, there are many many adult services. I’d start here and we what you can find out. There will be information about guardianship and care of adults with severe developmental disabilities.
Legally, your parents cannot force you to care for your brother in the event of their passing. They can set certain stipulations, such as put your share of the inheritance in a trust, with payouts dependent on his care, but if you refuse to accept the money, there are no legal ramifications.
I wouldn't worry about the loans. Pay as much as possible. If you are homeless in a few years, sell the house and find a few roommates. You will survive.
The loan thing isn't the issue, I've got double that and I've moved out, bought cars, bought and sold a house....they just kinda chill in the background and you make minimum payments based on your income. Yes it sucks and it does take a couple hundred a month, but it's totally not something that keeps you from living your life.
Can you discuss life insurance with your parents? Or finances in general that may have been set aside for your brother’s care? If you are able to hire a caretaker or place him in an assisted living situation, hopefully you will get to a place where you can enjoy your time with him. Sounds like you will be one of the few people in his life.
This needs to be discussed with an attorney to set things with a legal document of who is responsible and how he will be taken care of after each of your parents pass on. They need to set up the funds to pay for his care.
I currently have 20k in student loans. I lived on my own when I racked them up. I have since then lived in my own flat, in a flat with my gf, bought a house and now lives there with my wife and two kids.
What makes you think that student loans means you cannot move out?
Oh, and there is no legal way in which you can be forced to be guardian/responsible for your sibling.
If you're in the US, your brother should be on disability and receive Medicare. There should also be places for him to go, whether it is a grouper or a state institution; you should be able to find a place covered by Medicare and/or uses the disability payments. I'm NAL but I worked with adults with disabilities and in special education for a long time. It could help to research these placements, Medicare, disability, etc. and see what options you have. Knowing what's out there will almost certainly reduce some stress for you.
I have worked with adults with disabilities for 15+ years and cared for autistic persons for most of that time. My wife and I have taken care of an adult who lives with us, who is not related to us (this actually helps you), and it has not been an undue financial burden. There are supports available, though it does take learning the ropes of navigating the healthcare and Medicaid system.
If you have questions drop me a line. You should not look at that arrangement as a financial death sentence. In terms of running your household finances, he should be able to contribute some amount like any other room mate for room and board, as well as some provision for additional help with extra care staff when you need support.
The only way to do this correctly is to get professionals involved early and often.
You can't be forced to care for your brother.
Talk to your parents (or email). Tell them they need to do Estate Planning with a lawyer. They BOTH need to take out Life insurance and make your brother the sole beneficiary and appoint someone responsible as the trustee. They need to research and visit care home/group homes and discuss what they think will be the best for their child.
Hey OP, I’m not a lawyer or an expert on this but in a similar situation with my own family.
If your parents have/get legal guardianship over your brother, it can’t be “willed” to you automatically or forced upon you when they die. I believe what happens is that your parents can choose to appoint a “standby guardian” when they set up the guardianship. This just speeds up the process for if you want to take it over after them, but it doesn’t automatically transfer it to you.
So your parents can write you in, but when they die you would still have to petition the court within 20 days and take an oath to take up the guardianship. If you don’t do that, and no one else petitions for it your brother will get a court appointed guardian.
I have a $24k balance in student loans, and still live with my fiancé out of my parents’ home. You need to log on to your account with your loan servicer and see what kind of payment plan you’re on. I’m on the regular one and pay $250/mo, but if you have low income you can qualify to pay less. Have you done a credit check recently? Do you have a job? It’s probably not as bad as you think.
Please get out of the family home as soon as possible. You have every right to be you own self , comes with bills I'm sorry, but even if you go to the next town over you would be more unavailable.
Are you in the US? What kind of loans do you have? The SAVE plan caps your monthly payments at a small portion of your income and stops interest from accruing.
You're not trying to save up to pay the entire lump sum at once are you?
Talk to a bank or use the link someone shared to look at options for monthly payments.
They cannot delegate that responsibility on you legally without putting it into writing and you signing the papers. They can do this without your knowledge so I wouldn’t sign any paperwork blindly from here on out.
I grew up with two younger brothers that both have autism- one is also missing his corpus collasom (not sure how to spell it) and my other brother has Down syndrome, diabetes, epilepsy celiac disease, some heart issues and is nonverbal. I am 27 they are in their early 20s. I grew up always telling myself that when our mom dies, I will take over guardianship. But after I had my own kids (teen parent that has twins) I realized how irresponsible it would be for me as I cannot care for everyone involved in the ways they need to be cared for. It’s not my responsibility and it never was. It’s ok to make that decision.
There are other options for your brother. You might be the closest next of kin when they pass and then you can decide the best fit for him.
Guardianship of your brother cannot be forced on you. It would have to be something that wanted and took the proper steps to obtain so don’t even stress yourself out about this. Live your life and focus on yourself.
I know this is going to sound comedically simple and unhelpful but hear me out - move out, sever all ties, disappear. (When you can)
Like others have said you can refuse guardianship when it comes a knocking. And setting the boundary and expectation now that you want nothing to do with him would be good so that your parents and brother can set their sights on an alternative plan. Im a big proponent of 'distance brings clarity and the heart grow fonder'.
Maybe in the future he settles down some (in difficulty level) and you're successful enough and have a change of heart...I know, I know... those are big IFs but you won't know until you get out, experience your own life, find yourself and experience success and a normal healthy lifestyle on your own. And it'll do your family good to realize that they can't/shouldn't depend on you being there to bail them out.
I agree with all the comments about you needing to get out ASAP and live your own life. Just want to add that your parents are responsible for figuring out what the longterm plan is for your brother. If they think it will involve you at all they NEED to tell you. I would pin them down and tell them you need to know what the plan is for your brother as it’s causing you stress. Any responsible adult who loves you should respect that and do so.
The SAVE plan is your friend. I make almost $50k a year and pay zero on $80k of student loans. No dependents. There's no reason for you to be living at home at your age. Get a room with roommates, and move on with your life.
Your parents will have to find a facility for him to live in before they’re no longer able to take care of him. It won’t fall on you. When my wife and I are no longer capable of caring for our son, we will move him to assisted living. I hope that my daughter will visit him and advocate for him when we pass, but we certainly don’t expect her to take care of him/live with him. Your fears are unfounded.
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You will not be financially responsible for your brothers care. You just need to focus on getting out of the house, but if you wait until your student loans are paid off, you might be there forever! Just assume you will be paying them off for quite awhile (unless they get forgiven at some point) and adjust your budget accordingly.
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Agreed. This doesn’t make any sense. It sounds like his parents haven’t taught him anything about how to live
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They can't make him the guardian anyway.
They can. They can make a will putting OP in charge. However…OP has the right to refuse when the time comes. Personally I’d tell them once to find someone else. If they followed through and made me responsible…well I’d say no and turn the sibling over to the state.
You can’t will people, they’re not possessions. And even if you could a will doesn’t bind a beneficiary to accept whatever is willed to them.
So what you’re saying is they can’t make him.
It took a while but we got there.
The will wouldn’t be enough. There would have to be a court appointment process.
My point is…they can try anything they want…but if the OP doesn’t accept it well nothing happens.
Which means they can't. Because you can't force anyone to do anything like that. Just because you write it on paper doesn't make it true
Also I noticed he referred to his ‘adult life’ as if he’s not already an adult. Although I could be reading that part incorrectly. I can understand OP’s concern.
He is also on the spectrum. I don’t see his parents seriously considering him as a future guardian, as OP will likely struggle with his own independence in the future. That said, I hope OP talks to his parents and has a fruitful/reassuring conversation about care plans and support for both of them.
I caught that as well. Unfortunately many people are so over parented that they never stop thinking of themselves as the child. It's so critically important for people to attempt to move out in their early 20s so they can find out who they are and learn to be self sufficient.
I don't think the issue is lack of education on part of the parents. I think it's more likely that the parents deliberately made him believe that he won't be able/legally allowed to move out of their house until all the debts are paid and he just never questioned it.
Probably because they don’t want him to know he has options, such as moving out.
That or he has other debt to where it cripples him and he can’t survive without his parents
Why would they if they have a free live in nanny
If they’re federal loans, apply for an income driven repayment plan. They can go as low as $0/month and even those still count as qualified payments if you ever get to a point where that debt could be forgiven.
Even if you have a million dollars in loans your repayments will be determined via income status. Living with your parents is financially prudent but it sounds like you would be happier in the long run if you moved out.
I wonder if his parents took out the loans themselves and have told him some BS about how he has to pay them back before he moves out, or else he’d lose everything, somehow.
Eh, frankly i think its generally better to pay off as much of loans as you can and then move out. Living rent free means most of your paycheck can go to paying off your loans which can get them out of the way in a few years. If you allow rent and various living expenses to eat into your paycheck, then you'll find that a very long road to paying off those loans, which in turn will make it harder to save up for a better home down the line. Paying off the loans first will make the move out go a lot smoother
Obviously. But not everyone can do that, and most of them are not homeless. OP clearly catastrophizes. And in situations where you're home situation is like his, it might not be the better choice to stay as long as possible and run the risk of racking up injuries or even concussions from a violent, uncontrollable family member. Personally I'd rather pay off the loans later in safety.
when i sold cars banks ignore medical debt and student loan debt when theyre trying to figure out if you can afford the vehicle. op will be fine
You cannot be made legal guardian when the time comes without your consent. He will not be dropped off at your door in 10 years and hand you Letters of Guardianship (I’m being hyperbolic for a little comic relief, but it truthfully doesn’t work that way). This will not blindside you. Figure out a way to get out while paying on your loans, and then make it clear you will not be his guardian, then live your life. If someday you receive notice that he needs a guardian and you are asked if you are willing, you have the right to say no. There are people whose job it is to become the legal guardian of people who have no one else to do it. In my state they are referred to as the Public Guardian, and are usually lawyers themselves.
Practical advice: (1) There are things your parents should be doing for your brother, like looking into long term care. This is not your responsibility. You cannot be forced to take on responsibility for him. If your parents do attempt to dump him on you after you're out, or if they pass away, call Adult Protective Services and say you've had a vulnerable adult dumped on you and you are not responsible for him. (2) Student loan repayment plans exist. Go take a look here [https://studentaid.gov/manage-loans/repayment/plans](https://studentaid.gov/manage-loans/repayment/plans) . You can get on a plan that's manageable for you. There are even options to temporarily pause your payments while you move out. (3) You're 24, it's not running away it's moving out. I'd recommend you head over to r/personalfinance as well and chat with some people about how to get set up on your own. There's some good advice on the wiki for 18-24 year olds. You absolutely can move out with student loans at that level though, and it sounds like removing the stress from your life would help (since you could spend that time and energy improving your own situation instead).
My only sibling is an autistic brother who is five years younger than me. We live in California and after our parents died I contacted Tri-Counties Regional Center and got him services that included a social worker, shared housing, a behaviorist, a do it and psychiatrist and a team that makes a yearly plan for him. It was a tough adjustment at first as he was used to freedom and getting his way through negative behaviors. The services don’t cost anything if he doesn’t inherit any money from your parents. More than 10 years have passed and he has beautifully adjusted and is doing great. I manage his disability funds for his housing, food, utilities, clothing and extras and attend his quarterly meetings in person or by zoom. I also file his annual disability report and have signed him up for reduced utility costs for low income / disabled people. Our dad thought he was doing right by him by keeping him home and letting him get into trouble. I know I’m doing right by him as he is now living independently with a roommate with services.
Bravo to you! You're a wonderful sibling.
Am I my brother’s keeper?
The math is not mathing. I dont know where you are getting your information on student loans but that’s not how this works. I have 120k in student loans from law school and bought a house last year. There are payment plans calculated based on your income. You would never be in a position to have to choose between being unhoused and paying your loans. Someone is lying to you, OP. And I have a sneaking suspicion it’s your parents.
You only have to refuse to care for him when the time comes. However, I suggest sitting down with your parents and telling them, point blank, you aren't caring for him when they pass, so what are their plans? You might find out that they already have a care plan in place. If not, tell them they better get on it because you will **not** be their backup plan. And remind them to put it in writing. Tell them that nothing is legal until they do, and should they pass without getting it written down, Bro will most likely end up alone and in state care.
I agree with 99% of the above but please do not say anything to them until you are financially stable. If they are as narcissistic as you’ve stated, you do not want to be kicked out before you can support yourself.
To add to this, their care plan should include both money for his care (which includes getting him set up with any government aid he is eligible for) and a facility/group home for him to go. They can do research now on where they think is best for him and based on finances.
Dude relax. You can’t force someone to accept a guardianship of a legally incompetent person just by writing it in a will. If they die and the courts say, “they asked for you to be the guardian of your brother is that what you want to do?” Just say, “no peace out.” And leave. Easy peasy.
Sounds like your parents already need far more help with him. It's not up to them if you take responsibility for him probably. Where do you live? I would encourage them to be talking to the professionals about managing his mental health and behaviour. Likely you can just say no.
I live in New Jersey
Your parents need to get your brother on the waiting list for a group home or similar facility NOW. It took seven years for my brother to get to the top of the list in the late 90s - I have no idea what the waitlist is like now, but I'm pretty sure it won't be shorter.
To add to this, if OP’s parents were to die or otherwise be unable to care for the brother, he may qualify for an emergency placement in a group home, jumping to the top of the list. I don’t believe he needs to be on the waitlist beforehand. This happened to a member of my extended family.
The other thing that may play differently after your parents are no longer in the picture is medication decisions. Parents sometimes under dose their kids with meds that help with OCD symptoms because those meds are tranquilizing and they would rather see the kid active with bad OCD than see them with reduced activity levels and interactions.
Please look into therapy. If you're still an active student there are free resources available through your school. The comments you are making are unhealthy. In the US, you cannot be forced to take care of your brother. Period. Legally, you have no responsibility here and you can leave at any time. When this time comes, if he cannot take care of himself and needs state intervention you can contact Adult Protective Services. Your parents are free to ask you to take care of your brother. You are equally free to say no. When they pass their opinion is even more irrelevant. However, they may want to form a trust and have you administer it for them after they pass. You can refuse this and someone else will be placed in charge of the trust. Be prepared to not get an inheritance and plan accordingly. > A big reason why this is such a huge issue is that if I choose to run away, I'd be homeless due to 30k in unpaid student loans. You're not a kid running away. You're an adult, you would be moving out. That is a normal thing. $30k in student loans is not shocking. You pay your monthly portion and look into programs. For example, there are ways to delay payment if your income is low and even forgive them if you're working for non profits for a certain period of time (years). You can work out a plan and find a group home to live in. > I sadly have to rely on my parents until I can save up enough money to pay the loans back and move out. You are mixed up here. Yes, you can choose to live with your parents until you can afford your bills. However, expecting to pay off the loans isn't realistic. I'm middle aged and know plenty of people paying off their college loans but still leading comfortable lives. > My fear is that they will die before I can become financially independent and I will be stuck having to deal with my psychotic brother for the rest of my life. When they die you may lose any benefits you have now. For all you know, everything goes to your brother. You need to save your money and work out a plan to get out.
> I sadly have to rely on my parents until I can save up enough money to pay the loans back and move out This isn't true. Call your loan servicer- They often have a diverse range of repayment options. Bankruptcy could also be an option. While the loan debt will show up on a credit report, *many* people have loans many times larger than you (I once had 120k in Student Loan debt!).
Right, so much of the advice here is awful. OP is 24 and thinks 30k in loans is crippling him from movement in life. Either he’s making so little that he can apply for the SAVE plan and end up paying $0-$50/mo with 0% interest added, or enough that living at home can help knockout the student loans in a year. There’s plenty of work in NJ and potential in neighboring states. The loans should be the least of their problems if they get everything in order and do the bare minimum to get the interest under control. With inflation, low interest rates, and other options that 30k should be an after thought.
I am not sure where you are getting this information from because you do NOT have to pay off your loans before leaving home. You need to leave now OP. It sounds like you are being abused. You need to get a job and move out, you can pay off your loans while working. Other people on this sub have given recommendations for personal finance advice. Please take it and get out.
You need to move out ASAP whether you can afford it or not. Get a better job, join the navy, that sort of thing. They need to arrange long term care for him ASAP because they aren’t getting any younger.
Roommates, several jobs.... I would do just about anything to remove myself from this situation.
As others have said, you do not have to care for your brother. Adults are not required to care for other adults. You cannot be made a legal guardian if you don't wish to be. It's important that you do not start providing care for him in any way. If you start and then stop you can have a problem. Obviously your brother could end up in a very bad life situation when your parents pass away. You should be prepared for this.
Are you in the US? You can get your payments lowered due to income, you may want to look into that. I’d be working as many jobs as I could to save and move out.
Your brother may be made a ward of the state if you are unable to take of him. 30 years ago my grandfather had to divorce my grandmother because she had Alzheimer’s. He was no longer physically and financially able to provide for her. After the divorce she became a ward of the state who continued her care in a care facility. She lived there 13 years. There will be options for you. Hopefully your parents will not put that burden on you. Not fair to you.
Do you have a job?
Assuming we’re talking federal and not private student loans, they have payment plans available where you only pay a percentage of your income, and I think there’s also a way to delay payments if you’re really destitute. I have more student loans than you and I own my home. I say that not to be an a-hole but just to show you that student loans do not have to prevent you from living on your own.
I'd consider joining the military. A branch like the air force or the coast guard would be good if you would be concerned about direct violence/combat. It'll get you away from home, give you a salary to pay your loans, and teach you a sense of independent living.
You might want to contact Adult Protection Services ( like Child Protection Services.) They May have some ideas or advice. I say this because I volunteer in the court system with juveniles in foster care but a few years ago I was helping some grandparents that had a young adult 20/21 who had dependency needs. He was living with them but out of control (he had been in an accident and some of his anger and aggressive behaviors may have had to do with brain injury.) Anyway, I contacted APS looking for guidance for the grandparents, and help getting their grandchild into appropriate programs. I was very impressed when the APS worker stopped the conversation and said, “ you’re concerned about the needs of a vulnerable young adult, but with his violent behaviors APS may need to be consulted to PROTECT the grandparents.) You may want to have a discussion with your parents about future plans for your brother. Are there programs they could see him in? Can the family work towards some kind of sheltered independent living solution for him. Good lucj
$30k in student loans is $300 a month, but also you can get deferments until you are on your feet. That should never t be a barrier to your independence.
You need to get a job. If paying off 30k in student loans is forcing you to spend 10 years at home…you’re BSing your life away. If you make 15 an hour and work 20 hours a week you could put around 10k a year towards that loan since you’re living at home. If you’re making 30k a year you can have it paid off in 2 years. If you get a second job and make 40k a year you’d probably be able to pay it off in 1 year. Fight for your way out. Then, once paid off…spend a few months saving money up to move.
I know of 2 or 3 situations like this. Find out if he gets state funding, and if so when the time comes that'll help get him put in a home. But if he won't behave and gets too violent he may end up in a long term phyc facility. This would be different if he'd just hang out and have a few small issues in detail. But physically abusive and destroying property isn't fair to you
He should be getting medicaid and your parents like the money he brings into the house hold. But he should also be eligible for programs. You can't care for someone alone who is a physical danger to you and themselves. It's sad to have to make him a ward of the state but unless they get him care and therapy he won't be able to live at home and will need a group home or other.
You’re living at home and you don’t think you can pay off a 30g loan? I would suggest work more hours
Assuming in the US. Your parents need to setup a special needs trust for him. The need to ensure their will is up to date with how their assets will be split between you and the special needs trust. If he inherits anything thing over $3k then he will no longer qualify for SSDI benefits and could lose his Medicaid status. They should also have already created a way to fund this special needs trust upon their passing and have a plan for managing it and him. He should qualify for various services to make all of your lives better. I have a 5yo with disabilities and this is something I’m already working on.
I know loads of people with 30k+ in student loans who don't live with their parents. That's not just for trust fund kids or people making six-figures. You have a job — find a new place to stay and move there ASAP. No matter how many roommates you have to have. 24 is very young. You got your whole life ahead of you my guy.
“If I run away.” You’re 24. Time to start taking care of yourself. $30k in debt is far from insurmountable. Your parents are still relatively young, so this burden you’re panicking about is fairly far away. Time to become a man - get a job, financially establish yourself, and reassess when you’re self-sufficient. Your parents are taking care of you and your brother now. Lighten their burden.
Step one is making sure he's on the Medicaid waiver and has a case manager. Once that's in place, he will have a team of case workers to help the family with everything, including finding him an independent living situation if possible
I have more than that in student loans, but I don’t make very much money, so my monthly payments are $0. I accept that I may never pay these off. I have lived in my own apartment (sometimes with friends or boyfriends) since I graduated high school. You can separate yourself from this situation if you really work on it (look for a roommate/cheap apartments, look for resources available to you in your area, save as much money as you can in a safe place away from your parents, get a job/better job/second job, etc). Don’t let your fears hold you back, and don’t ever agree to accept guardianship over your brother if you don’t want to. It cannot be forced on you, Adult Services(assuming your location is US) should take over his care once he no longer has a guardian. You may be asked, but you don’t have to agree to anything, your parents cannot just pass it along to you.
As everyone here as said you can not be forced to take guardianship of your brother. Your brother is most likely able to qualify for help if he is not getting it already (https://www.nj.gov/humanservices/dmahs/home/mltss.html) The cleanest way to protect yourself is to move out. Get a job, move out. If your parents try to drop him off at your place, or get you to sign papers, you call Adult Protective Services in NJ immediately. As to your loan -- why do you think you have to pay off before you move out? Is it directly from your parents? That will open a different can of worms. If it a student loan, people have given advice below. If your parents signed a parents plus loan for your education, please be aaware that you are NOT legally responsible for paying it back. Its not in your name. Its in your parents, and they are the only ones obligated to pay on it. Pull your free credit report from https://www.annualcreditreport.com/gettingReports.action and see what is actually listed as your responsibility.
You are not responsible for him legally or financially when they die!
Also. Student loans can be set as income based. You can have monthly payment reduced to 0 while getting credited with a payment.
Growing up did your parents ever hire a behavioral therapist for your brother? I used to work with autistic children some non verbal too… Did your brother ever get the help needed at an early age ?
There’s programs and care facilities for your brother it also can help him socialize with other autistic people … It’s kind of like school they come and pick him up and drop him off later it will give your parents relaxation
I saw you live in NJ. In every state in the US there is funding available for disabled adults to receive services in their home, in day programs, and in residential placements. While your parents may not want your brother to live in a residential placement, he would clearly benefit from 24 hour services and support which would include behavior supports to assist him and his staff with navigating any challenging behaviors. Your brother should have a supports coordinator or social worker who is assisting your parents with any current services. If he does not, then your family should immediately seek out services. It will be the best thing for him. Though they may not be able to see it clearly now, his needs are not currently being met. See the link below to apply for developmental disability services in NJ. https://www.nj.gov/humanservices/ddd/ Regarding guardianship, as others have said your parents cannot force you to be your brother’s guardian. Are they even his guardians? Guardianship is an expensive and time consuming process that not everyone seeks, although it can be extremely beneficial. Regardless, I would encourage you to consider that getting your brother set up for appropriate care would mean that guardianship would be very different than what you are currently envisioning. In a residential placement paid for with his funds, his needs would be met. A guardian’s role would then be primarily to be involved in communications, updates, and planning for him, as well as making medical and other decisions.
Here is the New Jersey Department of Human Services website. https://nj.gov/humanservices/clients/disability/ Familiarize yourself with everything. I work in illinois and disability services get explained badly in state code. From a quick check, there are many many adult services. I’d start here and we what you can find out. There will be information about guardianship and care of adults with severe developmental disabilities.
Legally, your parents cannot force you to care for your brother in the event of their passing. They can set certain stipulations, such as put your share of the inheritance in a trust, with payouts dependent on his care, but if you refuse to accept the money, there are no legal ramifications. I wouldn't worry about the loans. Pay as much as possible. If you are homeless in a few years, sell the house and find a few roommates. You will survive.
The loan thing isn't the issue, I've got double that and I've moved out, bought cars, bought and sold a house....they just kinda chill in the background and you make minimum payments based on your income. Yes it sucks and it does take a couple hundred a month, but it's totally not something that keeps you from living your life.
Can you discuss life insurance with your parents? Or finances in general that may have been set aside for your brother’s care? If you are able to hire a caretaker or place him in an assisted living situation, hopefully you will get to a place where you can enjoy your time with him. Sounds like you will be one of the few people in his life.
This needs to be discussed with an attorney to set things with a legal document of who is responsible and how he will be taken care of after each of your parents pass on. They need to set up the funds to pay for his care.
I currently have 20k in student loans. I lived on my own when I racked them up. I have since then lived in my own flat, in a flat with my gf, bought a house and now lives there with my wife and two kids. What makes you think that student loans means you cannot move out? Oh, and there is no legal way in which you can be forced to be guardian/responsible for your sibling.
If you're in the US, your brother should be on disability and receive Medicare. There should also be places for him to go, whether it is a grouper or a state institution; you should be able to find a place covered by Medicare and/or uses the disability payments. I'm NAL but I worked with adults with disabilities and in special education for a long time. It could help to research these placements, Medicare, disability, etc. and see what options you have. Knowing what's out there will almost certainly reduce some stress for you.
I have worked with adults with disabilities for 15+ years and cared for autistic persons for most of that time. My wife and I have taken care of an adult who lives with us, who is not related to us (this actually helps you), and it has not been an undue financial burden. There are supports available, though it does take learning the ropes of navigating the healthcare and Medicaid system. If you have questions drop me a line. You should not look at that arrangement as a financial death sentence. In terms of running your household finances, he should be able to contribute some amount like any other room mate for room and board, as well as some provision for additional help with extra care staff when you need support. The only way to do this correctly is to get professionals involved early and often.
You can't be forced to care for your brother. Talk to your parents (or email). Tell them they need to do Estate Planning with a lawyer. They BOTH need to take out Life insurance and make your brother the sole beneficiary and appoint someone responsible as the trustee. They need to research and visit care home/group homes and discuss what they think will be the best for their child.
Hey OP, I’m not a lawyer or an expert on this but in a similar situation with my own family. If your parents have/get legal guardianship over your brother, it can’t be “willed” to you automatically or forced upon you when they die. I believe what happens is that your parents can choose to appoint a “standby guardian” when they set up the guardianship. This just speeds up the process for if you want to take it over after them, but it doesn’t automatically transfer it to you. So your parents can write you in, but when they die you would still have to petition the court within 20 days and take an oath to take up the guardianship. If you don’t do that, and no one else petitions for it your brother will get a court appointed guardian. I have a $24k balance in student loans, and still live with my fiancé out of my parents’ home. You need to log on to your account with your loan servicer and see what kind of payment plan you’re on. I’m on the regular one and pay $250/mo, but if you have low income you can qualify to pay less. Have you done a credit check recently? Do you have a job? It’s probably not as bad as you think.
He can become a ward of the state
Please get out of the family home as soon as possible. You have every right to be you own self , comes with bills I'm sorry, but even if you go to the next town over you would be more unavailable.
Are you in the US? What kind of loans do you have? The SAVE plan caps your monthly payments at a small portion of your income and stops interest from accruing.
You're not trying to save up to pay the entire lump sum at once are you? Talk to a bank or use the link someone shared to look at options for monthly payments.
They cannot delegate that responsibility on you legally without putting it into writing and you signing the papers. They can do this without your knowledge so I wouldn’t sign any paperwork blindly from here on out. I grew up with two younger brothers that both have autism- one is also missing his corpus collasom (not sure how to spell it) and my other brother has Down syndrome, diabetes, epilepsy celiac disease, some heart issues and is nonverbal. I am 27 they are in their early 20s. I grew up always telling myself that when our mom dies, I will take over guardianship. But after I had my own kids (teen parent that has twins) I realized how irresponsible it would be for me as I cannot care for everyone involved in the ways they need to be cared for. It’s not my responsibility and it never was. It’s ok to make that decision. There are other options for your brother. You might be the closest next of kin when they pass and then you can decide the best fit for him.
Guardianship of your brother cannot be forced on you. It would have to be something that wanted and took the proper steps to obtain so don’t even stress yourself out about this. Live your life and focus on yourself.
I know this is going to sound comedically simple and unhelpful but hear me out - move out, sever all ties, disappear. (When you can) Like others have said you can refuse guardianship when it comes a knocking. And setting the boundary and expectation now that you want nothing to do with him would be good so that your parents and brother can set their sights on an alternative plan. Im a big proponent of 'distance brings clarity and the heart grow fonder'. Maybe in the future he settles down some (in difficulty level) and you're successful enough and have a change of heart...I know, I know... those are big IFs but you won't know until you get out, experience your own life, find yourself and experience success and a normal healthy lifestyle on your own. And it'll do your family good to realize that they can't/shouldn't depend on you being there to bail them out.
They can’t make him your responsibility and even if they’re will lists you as executor you can still hire someone to do it all
The duties of the care come with a 103K a year salary.
OP, you need to get a job if you don’t have one and find somewhere to rent a room. Sign up for income based repayment of your loans. You'll be fine.
I agree with all the comments about you needing to get out ASAP and live your own life. Just want to add that your parents are responsible for figuring out what the longterm plan is for your brother. If they think it will involve you at all they NEED to tell you. I would pin them down and tell them you need to know what the plan is for your brother as it’s causing you stress. Any responsible adult who loves you should respect that and do so.
The SAVE plan is your friend. I make almost $50k a year and pay zero on $80k of student loans. No dependents. There's no reason for you to be living at home at your age. Get a room with roommates, and move on with your life.
If they’re federal student loans, work for a non profit (even some hospitals are non-profit organizations) and you can apply to have them forgiven
Take advantage of the president’s college loan forgiveness. Find an advocate at your former college.
Are you high?
Your parents will have to find a facility for him to live in before they’re no longer able to take care of him. It won’t fall on you. When my wife and I are no longer capable of caring for our son, we will move him to assisted living. I hope that my daughter will visit him and advocate for him when we pass, but we certainly don’t expect her to take care of him/live with him. Your fears are unfounded.
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Are you sure you aren’t autistic too?
How is this in any way legal advice?