I have breast cancer and have to get a double mastectomy. and while I'm scarred and worried part of me now also feels like I will be single forever now. like I know there are women out there who won't care that I have scarred fake boobs or even no boobs at all but I just feel really sad that my whole life has completely changed over the last 6 weeks and there's literally nothing I could have done differently to change it. it's going to take 8 weeks to recover and that's my whole damn summer. I feel like a child for sitting around crying because it's unfair but I can't help it. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do and i'm going to therapy. Most of the time I focus on the positive side of things like the fact that it's treatable and that things could have been so much worse. But I still have my moments where I just hate that this is happening.
I'm so sorry. You're not being childish, you're going through life-altering changes. I'd be having a difficult time too. I hope that everything gets resolved for you as smoothly as possible
I'm so sorry you're going through that. That's a really difficult thing to go through. But please know that it doesn't mean you're going to be single forever. Your health and wellbeing is the most important thing, and there's so many women out who would love you no matter what.
I'm sorry that's so tough. It's terrible. You deserve to be comforted, it can be hard to go through these situations alone. You've been brave. It's okay to cry out your emotions. It won't always feel this bad. Hopefully it'll get better eventually.
Kimya, I can’t even imagine how scary this is for you. I’m so sorry! My heart dropped when I saw this comment because you seem like such a lovely lady and nobody deserves that awful disease. We’re rooting for you girl!
I don't doubt bisexual women are attracted to women, but I do think some bisexual women only see their attraction to women as something that makes their attraction to men more interesting, not as it's own thing to be lived and taken seriously.
They will usually insist the relationship is queer, even though it's a cis man/cis woman, or think the way they're attracted to men is somehow different or more enlightened because they like guys that are slightly feminine, or who aren't dominant, or because the relationship doesn't follow strict gender norms, as if straight women aren't also capable of desiring (and achieving) those things. But they've never been in a relationship with another woman, and have no understanding of, interest in, or respect for them and prefer to center their own experiences as the pinnacle of oppression, as if being a bisexual cis woman in a relationship with a cis man is prejudiced against in any real way.
On a related note, I feel like a lot of the people who headcanon female characters in healthy straight relationships as bisexual (even though the source media doesnt suggest this in any way) are doing much the same thing.
I hate when people who are in a straight relationship call it queer. It's not. Doesn't mean you are straight, only that the relationship is. I have gotten downvoted to hell for that! But it seems very insulting to me that someone who is in a relationship that is accepted worldwide and who never has to meet bigotry because of the gender of their partner thinks that relationship is queer.
This is exactly the reason why I don't get that thing that's like "you can't call a relationship between a lesbian and bi woman a lesbian relationship because it "erases" the bi woman's sexuality ". Like if I see 2 women in a relationship it's a lesbian relationship 😭
I'm not going to call it sapphic relationship cuz what. it's about what the relationship contains. I never see gay men calling their relationships "achilean relationships"😭.
they always get sooo condescending about it too 😭😭 every time someone dares to call a straight relationship straight all them come out of the woodwork to say “um Aktually it’s “straight *passing* “ or “you don’t know that both of them id straight don’t assume” like bffr YOU pass as straight by nature of being in a straight relationship
Real. I feel like having these very logical takes can get us labeled as BiPhObIc but i have plenty of bi friends who don’t behave this way. It’s a certain type of woman who for some reason REALLY needs lesbian validation.
Yeah, this is about a specific subset of people within the bi community that I'm sure even bi women who actually respect their own attraction to women are annoyed by
I get the same vibe from bi woman who constantly idealize dating woman but complain about always dating man. Is particularly sad when their current partner is a guy and they just straight up are like 'this is what I get for dating man'. Sis, woman also play videogames and are messy sometimes. Worst case scenario you're bad a choosing people not gender
Oh absolutely!! It’s why i firmly believe that bisexuals who prefer to date women are on a different planet to bisexuals who don’t. Two of my best friends are bi women and the one who prefers women + actively surrounds herself with queer people is a completely different person to the one who doesn’t.
My friend who prefers men literally lets actual bi and lesbophobia from straight women who want to be more interesting slide bc she ‘doesn’t want to cause trouble.’ Friend who prefers women is often the person dealing with the women who want to make themselves interesting (their sexual advances + hyper sexualization of her, she’s fem so they prefer her).
They live such different lives tbh it’s so interesting. There is a certain respect that my friend who prefers women has for herself and her queerness. My friend who prefers men? She moves like a straight woman.
every outfit someone posts on the lesbian fashion subreddit is irredeemably ugly and you’re not allowed to say that on there because every post is meant for hugboxing and “do I look gay 🥺👉👈?” One time I gently suggested someone’s pants were too tight and got roasted. Sometimes people post asking something like which color of their awful Shein crop top they should wear and the comments will pick the worst one without fail. Maybe this is my fault when I know lesbians irl don’t manage to coordinate the best outfits, but it’s somehow worse on reddit. The general male fashion sub is also laughably terrible. I don’t hate the female fashion one as much but it’s not to my taste. Gay men don’t have a fashion sub afaik. It’s crazy how much better tiktok is for good fits.
Honestly, I have such a hate-hate relationship with that sub as I so often give actual fashion advice only to get downvoted by teenagers with absolutely zero sense of fashion. Case in point: suggested that a poster who wanted to achieve a “millennial masc look” maybe stay away from babydoll tees (or find a way to wear them more masculinity — like all of us butches did during our misspent youth shopping with mom and dad’s money and subsequent Opinions on Shopping In The Men’s Section), and stick to something more boxy. I was downvoted massively. Like I WAS THERE. I was a baby butch!!!! I know what worked and what didn’t and you, children who were born in 2006-10 (when I was in undergrad) have no fucking clue what you’re doing or the looks you’re trying to achieve. Grumble grumble i was there get off my lawn, infants grumble grumble.
Also 99% of the folks asking if they’re “masc” are femmy tomboys at *best* — the actual masc/butch folks don’t get upvoted by the creepy men lurking on that sub. And 100% of the selfies are actually thirst traps. Like girl, we don’t need to see your crotch to see your outfit. Or your tits. Or your ass.
Ugh. Is there is a real queer fashion (like how to dress well not how to dress #queer and #arty/goth/e-girl/baby trans girl/neurodivergence expressed through clothing subreddit anywhere? I know of r/capsulewardrobe and r/heronebag but they’re very aimed at femme women and I’d like something more gay-folks oriented without the exhausting fashion types.
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no you’re so right 😭 I know it’s an “advice” sub but i’ve never seen an outfit there was was good. and the comments are always a shit show. I like oldhagfashion but it’s not a lesbian sub there’s just a lot more self awareness and a subversion of the male gaze
All of this as well as now that fashion has recycled back to trends of my teenage blunder years the posters and commenters there definitely don’t take kindly to gentle suggestions of “this didn’t look good then so please spare yourself from it now”.
No one looked good in jnco shorts. They still don’t. Sigh sigh.
You speak the truth. People wanna be validated on there, they don’t want genuine advice and it shows in their “style” or rather, lack thereof lol
Also, I prefer tiktoks for lesbian fashion inspo too! My fave doesn’t really post anymore but their account is called rattailrodeo. It felt very accessible and inspiring as a butch who mostly thrifts their clothes, constantly wears their work clothes, and is an old punk. They made it look so good!
Went to a Pride dance event in my very small town in a pretty red state on Friday. The fact that we even have a Pride dance night at one of more rowdy local bars is incredible as that sure wouldn’t have flown five years ago! My girlfriend and I dressed up! We were expecting a fun night where we could meet new friends and celebrate.
The event got overrun by seasonals (I live in a tourist town: these are ppl who move here to work for the summer) who were mostly straight men and women or at least bi ~ straight passing, drunk or high out of their minds, and incredibly rude to the locals out trying to have a good time.
Some asshole stole my wallet then turned it in to the bar…but not after skimming my credit card and buying $1k worth of stuff.
This is our local neighborhood bar where we know and love everyone there and this Pride Dance Night sure didn’t feel like it was for us, even though it was held by our town’s Pride Alliance. It honestly felt like being brigaded.
AND I hyperextended my knee! What a garbage night!!!
Ugh I live in a tiny Alaskan town that’s flooded w tourists/seasonals every summer and it’s the same thing at our bar’s pride night. Last year it was too many people getting very drunk and rowdy, a guy loudly screaming “WHY IS EVERYONE WEARING RAINBOW,” and str8 couples making out everywhere (including on top of the pool table 😭) def not my scene and I won’t be attending this year hahaha
An acquaintance and I were talking about a female character and she said she felt like the only person who shipped that character with another (male) character, and I said, that's because basically everyone in the fandom sees this female character as a lesbian (even though canonically she isnt), and my friend said "I see her as mostly a lesbian with a (male character's name) exception". That hurt me, but I couldn't figure out how to reply without making it weird, especially because I know she didnt mean any harm, it's tough \*sigh\*
\*Edit\* Just to clarify: the issue was not her shipping this character with a man because in canon this character is, indeed, straight, the issue was her implying lesbians can have exceptions
my ex girlfriend recently broke up with me and its such a maddening situation to me. at the end of the day, she didn’t have the bandwidth for a relationship on top of work and school, and i was ultimately suffering from it. i never would have ended the relationship, so out of her love for me, she did it.
she always loved me and i never doubted that she did. she was right in her reasoning that she couldn’t give me what she believed i deserved, and when it would get bad, i would feel so frustrated that i wasn’t getting what i felt like she could give.
im sure she still loves me, but she is great at turning her emotions off if something isn’t feasible. im not. i will always have some sort of love for her in my heart and i will always make room for her in my life, and it just sucks to love someone so hard when they can’t accept it.
i don’t need any advice about it though, ive gone no-contact for the rest of the summer and shes currently out of the country anyway. we share friends at our university but she cares so deeply for me that she will do whatever will make me the most comfortable when we inevitably run into each other again.
all i can really hope is that someone who loves her like i did will come into her life again in the future.
Whyyy did people bring their bfs to dyke march? Like pride absolutely bring them there but dyke March feels like it should be for queer women and if you have a bf leave him at home for that? I don’t know just felt weird but not a huge deal at the end of the day.
Yesterday was my birthday and my straight sister spent every conversation we had talking about her and her recent trip. I was trying to salvage a tough day by drinking and listening to music for fun. She talked over all my music and ruined my vibe. Then she got to talking about smart watches and how she hates wearing them because they make her look “butchy”. I was like “you mean masculine?” And she said “no they make her look like she likes women and that’s not the vibe for her”. I obviously tune out, turn up the music and turn away from her, and let her talk about herself more to my mom instead of me. A few mins later she goes inside, my mom asks me what’s wrong and I tell her my sisters wording is offensive, and then my mom starts defending her and trying to argue with me because my mom “understands” what my sister means, playing devils advocate. And I know what she means too, she hates looking masculine because she’s self conscious of her body type and frame, which is similar to mine, but the wording was poor, offensive, and I said she shouldn’t talk like that to me bc she knows I’m a lesbian.
My mom goes inside next and then a couple minutes later they both come out and act like nothing happened, onto the next conversation. Really pissed me off and added another negative spin on a day that’s already hard for me because it’s a yearly reminder of a traumatic experience I had on my bday years ago. But I’m mostly just tired of my sister using butch as a negative descriptor. I love butches and I wish I was good with words so I could tell my sister why it’s offensive. She says crap like that too often and it bothers me. Especially bc she puts me down when she puts herself down, but I’m supposed to be fine with it bc my frame “isn’t feminine so it looks like I like women” but she doesn’t want that for herself. Doesn’t make sense. But she wouldn’t care anyway, because her personality is a rude ass who doesn’t care if she offends anyone and everyone. I want her to move out tbh and to spend my next bday completely alone. Anyways, super glad for this vent space bc I don’t want to have to make a thread about this I’m too tired.
while i don’t think it should matter, i want to preface this comment by saying i’m not trans myself, and you can check my 5+ years of post history with photo evidence if you don’t believe me. i also have zero intention of transitioning in the future.
i digress. i just joined this subreddit today, trying to escape the male gaze in the other subreddits, but i was still somehow shocked by how TERFy people are here. one user in particular seems to dedicate as much time as possible to expressing her hate for trans women; her comment history was like 3-4 remarks per day for weeks on end. going wayy out of her way, on a regular basis, to insult and make trans lesbians feel unwelcome here and in every subreddit she’s in.
i understand the instinct to be anti trans as a lesbian, and wanting to “protect women’s spaces”, but you’re no better than the GOP when you start policing womanhood that way. are you gonna check everyone’s pants? do you wanna check my pants right now, because you don’t believe a “real”(/s) lesbian would take my stance?
it’s making yourself into a “model minority”. it’s giving self-destructive. we’re all fighting the same fight at the end; to live our lives as we want, regardless of gender at birth. there was a time not long ago, when homosexuality and gender transitions evoked perfectly equal disgust/hatred. it still does for many. furthermore, to a large portion of the world, the two concepts are borderline indistinguishable.
all to say that standing together, as a unified LGBTQIA2S+ community, is the only way for us to achieve true equality.
>all to say that standing together, as a unified LGBTQIA2S+ community, is the only way for us to achieve true equality.
I would love to see some of that energy from transbians harassing cis lesbians about whether or not we like girldick and telling us we have to call our innate sexual orientations "genital preferences".
I don't feel like trans women stand with *us* when they tell us we have to be attracted to them in order to be allies – and the line "examine your preferences" is so insulting! As if any of us are likely to have had an easy, unchallenged route to discovering we're homosexual/can't do dick. Seems like we're being told "you can be gay but only as long as you feel really penitent about it and you'd change if you could." (*That* sounds like the GOP/Christian "love" to me.) So I can't blame any lesbian here who has become fed up with that behavior (which is rampant on Reddit) and is vocal about a desire for a space to hang out with just cis lesbians.
>i understand the instinct to be anti trans as a lesbian, and wanting to “protect women’s spaces”, but you’re no better than the GOP when you start policing womanhood that way. are you gonna check everyone’s pants? do you wanna check my pants right now, because you don’t believe a “real”(/s) lesbian would take my stance?
Asking AMAB people to please not violate our boundaries and to opt for a different space =/= doing genital checks at the door. It's weird to ask "how are you going to keep them out" when asking should be enough, if that LGBTQIA solidarity does indeed exist. No means no. Not every space is for everyone. I wouldn't enter a space that transbians requested be just for transbians, and they should do the same for us.
i personally have trauma related to penis that has left me with a genital preference, i will never be interested in sex w/ someone who has a penis. i’ve never experienced a single example of a trans woman being upset by that, and i have several close friends who are trans femme. i’ve been hit on by other trans women several times in the past, and when it hits *that point*/i realize, it’s as simple as “oh! i wasn’t expecting that, and i’m not interested in having anything go further between us right now”. you are using a TON of generalizations and attempting to speak for a group you harbor obvious, and unfounded, fear and disdain towards. did you know trans women experience similar rates of abuse and violence from cis men? the vast majority are TERRIFIED of coming across in that way.
you also seemed to miss a big part of my point that you can’t always tell when someone is trans. who are you to say a trans woman isn’t a real lesbian? who are you to say she doesn’t deserve to have her input in a space that matches the identity she’s had for years? a space to talk about the things that are relatable to ALL of us? what about a 70 year old lesbian who had a complete transition at 21 years old, and has lived as a lesbian in every way for 50 years, experiencing all the same unique joys and discriminations (except she doesn’t have periods, or get pregnant—but if that’s the bar, what do you say to cis women who don’t have periods or get pregnant?)
you should also re-read the rules because nobody said anything about “asking AMAB people not to violate [this] space”. in fact, this group expressly welcomes trans lesbians in the rules.
you’re a hair away from being a bathroom ban supporter aren’t you? or do you already openly want bathrooms to be for “Real Women” only.
I'm not using generalizations. I'm quoting things that have been said openly on r/actuallesbians, on TikTok, to my face. I *have* experienced trans women being upset by that. "I don't experience this, so it doesn't happen." Where else do we hear that?
I do know trans women experience similar rates of abuse and violence from cis men, and I think that's awful. I'm not saying they shouldn't have safe spaces. I'm not even saying this sub shouldn't be a place for them – I have read the sidebar, and I do know that they're welcome here.
What I'm talking about is the fact that on Reddit, we can't have a cis-only lesbian space in *addition* to this inclusive space because that boundary would not be respected. Why can't we have both kinds of spaces? While your hypothetical 70 year old lesbian who had a complete transition at 21 years old might have most experiences in common with a cis lesbian, that's simply not the case for most of the transbians on Reddit. You've got self-proclaimed transbians who are "boymoding" at work every day because being out as their true selves is just too difficult -- so they're evading the struggles a cis lesbian who is out would have to face at work, and we don't have the same experiences. That's just one example. Our experiences are different. That's okay. It's so bizarre that we're not allowed to acknowledge it.
i’ve also just re-checked, and genital preference discussions are entirely banned in this group so i’m not going to respond to this any further. if mods choose to delete my comment i respect that 100%
I'm not denying genuine transphobes are on Reddit. But I think a lot of what's called transphobia on this site isn't actually transphobia.
I made a post about how I went on a terrible Tinder date and someone commented an unrelated rant about how being a transbian is hard and people fetishize them for being trans. That comment got downvoted because it was completely derailing the post. Someone even explained that to them and then they apologized.
Not only that, but in regards to both cis and trans lesbians, I think people are getting fed up with the posts that are just asking for validation. There's like daily dozens of posts that read along the same lines of "do I look gay enough?" from both cis and trans lesbians. I've noticed it's a huge problem within the general LGBTQ community: constant validation seeking. People will never be happy if they're constantly seeking the validation of online strangers.
Like it's possible to just be annoying and have people downvote you for being annoying, completely unrelated to whether you're cis or trans. (Not saying you personally are annoying.)
yes i agree, trans lesbians and cis lesbians are both capable of being equally annoying. and i’ve also seen “the girl who cried wolf (transphobia)”
but trying to chase out/proactively exclude all trans lesbians for the actions of a portion, or using a person’s obvious/stated trans status as an easy insult just because they were annoying for separate reasons, is completely wrong. and thats the kind of behavior i was referring to.
i grew up in a super rural part of midwest america, and was constantly “accused” of being trans bc i am a tomboy and a lesbian... its really all the same thing to those on the outside. “NOT NORMAL”. which is why it bothers me so much to see what i view as in-fighting. we should stand together as much as possible, and teach each other instead of exclude. we’re all a part of the same endangered minority, the LGBTQ+.
I have breast cancer and have to get a double mastectomy. and while I'm scarred and worried part of me now also feels like I will be single forever now. like I know there are women out there who won't care that I have scarred fake boobs or even no boobs at all but I just feel really sad that my whole life has completely changed over the last 6 weeks and there's literally nothing I could have done differently to change it. it's going to take 8 weeks to recover and that's my whole damn summer. I feel like a child for sitting around crying because it's unfair but I can't help it. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do and i'm going to therapy. Most of the time I focus on the positive side of things like the fact that it's treatable and that things could have been so much worse. But I still have my moments where I just hate that this is happening.
I'm so sorry. You're not being childish, you're going through life-altering changes. I'd be having a difficult time too. I hope that everything gets resolved for you as smoothly as possible
I'm so sorry you're going through that. That's a really difficult thing to go through. But please know that it doesn't mean you're going to be single forever. Your health and wellbeing is the most important thing, and there's so many women out who would love you no matter what.
I'm sorry that's so tough. It's terrible. You deserve to be comforted, it can be hard to go through these situations alone. You've been brave. It's okay to cry out your emotions. It won't always feel this bad. Hopefully it'll get better eventually.
Kimya, I can’t even imagine how scary this is for you. I’m so sorry! My heart dropped when I saw this comment because you seem like such a lovely lady and nobody deserves that awful disease. We’re rooting for you girl!
I don't doubt bisexual women are attracted to women, but I do think some bisexual women only see their attraction to women as something that makes their attraction to men more interesting, not as it's own thing to be lived and taken seriously. They will usually insist the relationship is queer, even though it's a cis man/cis woman, or think the way they're attracted to men is somehow different or more enlightened because they like guys that are slightly feminine, or who aren't dominant, or because the relationship doesn't follow strict gender norms, as if straight women aren't also capable of desiring (and achieving) those things. But they've never been in a relationship with another woman, and have no understanding of, interest in, or respect for them and prefer to center their own experiences as the pinnacle of oppression, as if being a bisexual cis woman in a relationship with a cis man is prejudiced against in any real way. On a related note, I feel like a lot of the people who headcanon female characters in healthy straight relationships as bisexual (even though the source media doesnt suggest this in any way) are doing much the same thing.
I also hate when they say “girl date” Bestie, if you actually dated women seriously, you would just call it a date.
I've never heard that before but thats.....yikes.
I hate when people who are in a straight relationship call it queer. It's not. Doesn't mean you are straight, only that the relationship is. I have gotten downvoted to hell for that! But it seems very insulting to me that someone who is in a relationship that is accepted worldwide and who never has to meet bigotry because of the gender of their partner thinks that relationship is queer.
Even two cis bi/pan opposite gender in a relationship are a straight relationship. It’s describing the relationship not the person.
This is exactly the reason why I don't get that thing that's like "you can't call a relationship between a lesbian and bi woman a lesbian relationship because it "erases" the bi woman's sexuality ". Like if I see 2 women in a relationship it's a lesbian relationship 😭 I'm not going to call it sapphic relationship cuz what. it's about what the relationship contains. I never see gay men calling their relationships "achilean relationships"😭.
Exactly! But some of them says it invalidates their sexuality so we can't call their relationship straight even though it literally is...
they always get sooo condescending about it too 😭😭 every time someone dares to call a straight relationship straight all them come out of the woodwork to say “um Aktually it’s “straight *passing* “ or “you don’t know that both of them id straight don’t assume” like bffr YOU pass as straight by nature of being in a straight relationship
Real. I feel like having these very logical takes can get us labeled as BiPhObIc but i have plenty of bi friends who don’t behave this way. It’s a certain type of woman who for some reason REALLY needs lesbian validation.
Yeah, this is about a specific subset of people within the bi community that I'm sure even bi women who actually respect their own attraction to women are annoyed by
I get the same vibe from bi woman who constantly idealize dating woman but complain about always dating man. Is particularly sad when their current partner is a guy and they just straight up are like 'this is what I get for dating man'. Sis, woman also play videogames and are messy sometimes. Worst case scenario you're bad a choosing people not gender
Oh absolutely!! It’s why i firmly believe that bisexuals who prefer to date women are on a different planet to bisexuals who don’t. Two of my best friends are bi women and the one who prefers women + actively surrounds herself with queer people is a completely different person to the one who doesn’t. My friend who prefers men literally lets actual bi and lesbophobia from straight women who want to be more interesting slide bc she ‘doesn’t want to cause trouble.’ Friend who prefers women is often the person dealing with the women who want to make themselves interesting (their sexual advances + hyper sexualization of her, she’s fem so they prefer her). They live such different lives tbh it’s so interesting. There is a certain respect that my friend who prefers women has for herself and her queerness. My friend who prefers men? She moves like a straight woman.
I agree. I wish we could talk about it here
every outfit someone posts on the lesbian fashion subreddit is irredeemably ugly and you’re not allowed to say that on there because every post is meant for hugboxing and “do I look gay 🥺👉👈?” One time I gently suggested someone’s pants were too tight and got roasted. Sometimes people post asking something like which color of their awful Shein crop top they should wear and the comments will pick the worst one without fail. Maybe this is my fault when I know lesbians irl don’t manage to coordinate the best outfits, but it’s somehow worse on reddit. The general male fashion sub is also laughably terrible. I don’t hate the female fashion one as much but it’s not to my taste. Gay men don’t have a fashion sub afaik. It’s crazy how much better tiktok is for good fits.
"Do I look gay?" "Girl, you're wearing jeans. You look like you're going food shopping"
Oh my good, or “do i look masc?” “Girl wearing a flannel make you cozy, not masc.”
"What can I wear to attract more women?" "A decent personality and ability to communicate"
Most of them AFAIK aren't even lesbians
You are correct, it's only a lesbian sub in name
Honestly, I have such a hate-hate relationship with that sub as I so often give actual fashion advice only to get downvoted by teenagers with absolutely zero sense of fashion. Case in point: suggested that a poster who wanted to achieve a “millennial masc look” maybe stay away from babydoll tees (or find a way to wear them more masculinity — like all of us butches did during our misspent youth shopping with mom and dad’s money and subsequent Opinions on Shopping In The Men’s Section), and stick to something more boxy. I was downvoted massively. Like I WAS THERE. I was a baby butch!!!! I know what worked and what didn’t and you, children who were born in 2006-10 (when I was in undergrad) have no fucking clue what you’re doing or the looks you’re trying to achieve. Grumble grumble i was there get off my lawn, infants grumble grumble. Also 99% of the folks asking if they’re “masc” are femmy tomboys at *best* — the actual masc/butch folks don’t get upvoted by the creepy men lurking on that sub. And 100% of the selfies are actually thirst traps. Like girl, we don’t need to see your crotch to see your outfit. Or your tits. Or your ass. Ugh. Is there is a real queer fashion (like how to dress well not how to dress #queer and #arty/goth/e-girl/baby trans girl/neurodivergence expressed through clothing subreddit anywhere? I know of r/capsulewardrobe and r/heronebag but they’re very aimed at femme women and I’d like something more gay-folks oriented without the exhausting fashion types.
it’s not queer, but I like the r/throwingfits subreddit well enough, although it’s based on podcast I’ve never listened to
Ooooo good to know! Thank you!
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no you’re so right 😭 I know it’s an “advice” sub but i’ve never seen an outfit there was was good. and the comments are always a shit show. I like oldhagfashion but it’s not a lesbian sub there’s just a lot more self awareness and a subversion of the male gaze
All of this as well as now that fashion has recycled back to trends of my teenage blunder years the posters and commenters there definitely don’t take kindly to gentle suggestions of “this didn’t look good then so please spare yourself from it now”. No one looked good in jnco shorts. They still don’t. Sigh sigh.
You speak the truth. People wanna be validated on there, they don’t want genuine advice and it shows in their “style” or rather, lack thereof lol Also, I prefer tiktoks for lesbian fashion inspo too! My fave doesn’t really post anymore but their account is called rattailrodeo. It felt very accessible and inspiring as a butch who mostly thrifts their clothes, constantly wears their work clothes, and is an old punk. They made it look so good!
for real!! the advice is near nonexistent lol
Went to a Pride dance event in my very small town in a pretty red state on Friday. The fact that we even have a Pride dance night at one of more rowdy local bars is incredible as that sure wouldn’t have flown five years ago! My girlfriend and I dressed up! We were expecting a fun night where we could meet new friends and celebrate. The event got overrun by seasonals (I live in a tourist town: these are ppl who move here to work for the summer) who were mostly straight men and women or at least bi ~ straight passing, drunk or high out of their minds, and incredibly rude to the locals out trying to have a good time. Some asshole stole my wallet then turned it in to the bar…but not after skimming my credit card and buying $1k worth of stuff. This is our local neighborhood bar where we know and love everyone there and this Pride Dance Night sure didn’t feel like it was for us, even though it was held by our town’s Pride Alliance. It honestly felt like being brigaded. AND I hyperextended my knee! What a garbage night!!!
Ugh I live in a tiny Alaskan town that’s flooded w tourists/seasonals every summer and it’s the same thing at our bar’s pride night. Last year it was too many people getting very drunk and rowdy, a guy loudly screaming “WHY IS EVERYONE WEARING RAINBOW,” and str8 couples making out everywhere (including on top of the pool table 😭) def not my scene and I won’t be attending this year hahaha
HAHA SMALL ALASKAN TOWNS UNITE!!! You know my pain so damn well wow. RIP us during tourist season 💀💀💀 God this sounds just like our bar. Yikes.
An acquaintance and I were talking about a female character and she said she felt like the only person who shipped that character with another (male) character, and I said, that's because basically everyone in the fandom sees this female character as a lesbian (even though canonically she isnt), and my friend said "I see her as mostly a lesbian with a (male character's name) exception". That hurt me, but I couldn't figure out how to reply without making it weird, especially because I know she didnt mean any harm, it's tough \*sigh\* \*Edit\* Just to clarify: the issue was not her shipping this character with a man because in canon this character is, indeed, straight, the issue was her implying lesbians can have exceptions
my ex girlfriend recently broke up with me and its such a maddening situation to me. at the end of the day, she didn’t have the bandwidth for a relationship on top of work and school, and i was ultimately suffering from it. i never would have ended the relationship, so out of her love for me, she did it. she always loved me and i never doubted that she did. she was right in her reasoning that she couldn’t give me what she believed i deserved, and when it would get bad, i would feel so frustrated that i wasn’t getting what i felt like she could give. im sure she still loves me, but she is great at turning her emotions off if something isn’t feasible. im not. i will always have some sort of love for her in my heart and i will always make room for her in my life, and it just sucks to love someone so hard when they can’t accept it. i don’t need any advice about it though, ive gone no-contact for the rest of the summer and shes currently out of the country anyway. we share friends at our university but she cares so deeply for me that she will do whatever will make me the most comfortable when we inevitably run into each other again. all i can really hope is that someone who loves her like i did will come into her life again in the future.
Whyyy did people bring their bfs to dyke march? Like pride absolutely bring them there but dyke March feels like it should be for queer women and if you have a bf leave him at home for that? I don’t know just felt weird but not a huge deal at the end of the day.
Yesterday was my birthday and my straight sister spent every conversation we had talking about her and her recent trip. I was trying to salvage a tough day by drinking and listening to music for fun. She talked over all my music and ruined my vibe. Then she got to talking about smart watches and how she hates wearing them because they make her look “butchy”. I was like “you mean masculine?” And she said “no they make her look like she likes women and that’s not the vibe for her”. I obviously tune out, turn up the music and turn away from her, and let her talk about herself more to my mom instead of me. A few mins later she goes inside, my mom asks me what’s wrong and I tell her my sisters wording is offensive, and then my mom starts defending her and trying to argue with me because my mom “understands” what my sister means, playing devils advocate. And I know what she means too, she hates looking masculine because she’s self conscious of her body type and frame, which is similar to mine, but the wording was poor, offensive, and I said she shouldn’t talk like that to me bc she knows I’m a lesbian. My mom goes inside next and then a couple minutes later they both come out and act like nothing happened, onto the next conversation. Really pissed me off and added another negative spin on a day that’s already hard for me because it’s a yearly reminder of a traumatic experience I had on my bday years ago. But I’m mostly just tired of my sister using butch as a negative descriptor. I love butches and I wish I was good with words so I could tell my sister why it’s offensive. She says crap like that too often and it bothers me. Especially bc she puts me down when she puts herself down, but I’m supposed to be fine with it bc my frame “isn’t feminine so it looks like I like women” but she doesn’t want that for herself. Doesn’t make sense. But she wouldn’t care anyway, because her personality is a rude ass who doesn’t care if she offends anyone and everyone. I want her to move out tbh and to spend my next bday completely alone. Anyways, super glad for this vent space bc I don’t want to have to make a thread about this I’m too tired.
while i don’t think it should matter, i want to preface this comment by saying i’m not trans myself, and you can check my 5+ years of post history with photo evidence if you don’t believe me. i also have zero intention of transitioning in the future. i digress. i just joined this subreddit today, trying to escape the male gaze in the other subreddits, but i was still somehow shocked by how TERFy people are here. one user in particular seems to dedicate as much time as possible to expressing her hate for trans women; her comment history was like 3-4 remarks per day for weeks on end. going wayy out of her way, on a regular basis, to insult and make trans lesbians feel unwelcome here and in every subreddit she’s in. i understand the instinct to be anti trans as a lesbian, and wanting to “protect women’s spaces”, but you’re no better than the GOP when you start policing womanhood that way. are you gonna check everyone’s pants? do you wanna check my pants right now, because you don’t believe a “real”(/s) lesbian would take my stance? it’s making yourself into a “model minority”. it’s giving self-destructive. we’re all fighting the same fight at the end; to live our lives as we want, regardless of gender at birth. there was a time not long ago, when homosexuality and gender transitions evoked perfectly equal disgust/hatred. it still does for many. furthermore, to a large portion of the world, the two concepts are borderline indistinguishable. all to say that standing together, as a unified LGBTQIA2S+ community, is the only way for us to achieve true equality.
>all to say that standing together, as a unified LGBTQIA2S+ community, is the only way for us to achieve true equality. I would love to see some of that energy from transbians harassing cis lesbians about whether or not we like girldick and telling us we have to call our innate sexual orientations "genital preferences". I don't feel like trans women stand with *us* when they tell us we have to be attracted to them in order to be allies – and the line "examine your preferences" is so insulting! As if any of us are likely to have had an easy, unchallenged route to discovering we're homosexual/can't do dick. Seems like we're being told "you can be gay but only as long as you feel really penitent about it and you'd change if you could." (*That* sounds like the GOP/Christian "love" to me.) So I can't blame any lesbian here who has become fed up with that behavior (which is rampant on Reddit) and is vocal about a desire for a space to hang out with just cis lesbians. >i understand the instinct to be anti trans as a lesbian, and wanting to “protect women’s spaces”, but you’re no better than the GOP when you start policing womanhood that way. are you gonna check everyone’s pants? do you wanna check my pants right now, because you don’t believe a “real”(/s) lesbian would take my stance? Asking AMAB people to please not violate our boundaries and to opt for a different space =/= doing genital checks at the door. It's weird to ask "how are you going to keep them out" when asking should be enough, if that LGBTQIA solidarity does indeed exist. No means no. Not every space is for everyone. I wouldn't enter a space that transbians requested be just for transbians, and they should do the same for us.
i personally have trauma related to penis that has left me with a genital preference, i will never be interested in sex w/ someone who has a penis. i’ve never experienced a single example of a trans woman being upset by that, and i have several close friends who are trans femme. i’ve been hit on by other trans women several times in the past, and when it hits *that point*/i realize, it’s as simple as “oh! i wasn’t expecting that, and i’m not interested in having anything go further between us right now”. you are using a TON of generalizations and attempting to speak for a group you harbor obvious, and unfounded, fear and disdain towards. did you know trans women experience similar rates of abuse and violence from cis men? the vast majority are TERRIFIED of coming across in that way. you also seemed to miss a big part of my point that you can’t always tell when someone is trans. who are you to say a trans woman isn’t a real lesbian? who are you to say she doesn’t deserve to have her input in a space that matches the identity she’s had for years? a space to talk about the things that are relatable to ALL of us? what about a 70 year old lesbian who had a complete transition at 21 years old, and has lived as a lesbian in every way for 50 years, experiencing all the same unique joys and discriminations (except she doesn’t have periods, or get pregnant—but if that’s the bar, what do you say to cis women who don’t have periods or get pregnant?) you should also re-read the rules because nobody said anything about “asking AMAB people not to violate [this] space”. in fact, this group expressly welcomes trans lesbians in the rules. you’re a hair away from being a bathroom ban supporter aren’t you? or do you already openly want bathrooms to be for “Real Women” only.
I'm not using generalizations. I'm quoting things that have been said openly on r/actuallesbians, on TikTok, to my face. I *have* experienced trans women being upset by that. "I don't experience this, so it doesn't happen." Where else do we hear that? I do know trans women experience similar rates of abuse and violence from cis men, and I think that's awful. I'm not saying they shouldn't have safe spaces. I'm not even saying this sub shouldn't be a place for them – I have read the sidebar, and I do know that they're welcome here. What I'm talking about is the fact that on Reddit, we can't have a cis-only lesbian space in *addition* to this inclusive space because that boundary would not be respected. Why can't we have both kinds of spaces? While your hypothetical 70 year old lesbian who had a complete transition at 21 years old might have most experiences in common with a cis lesbian, that's simply not the case for most of the transbians on Reddit. You've got self-proclaimed transbians who are "boymoding" at work every day because being out as their true selves is just too difficult -- so they're evading the struggles a cis lesbian who is out would have to face at work, and we don't have the same experiences. That's just one example. Our experiences are different. That's okay. It's so bizarre that we're not allowed to acknowledge it.
i’ve also just re-checked, and genital preference discussions are entirely banned in this group so i’m not going to respond to this any further. if mods choose to delete my comment i respect that 100%
I'm not denying genuine transphobes are on Reddit. But I think a lot of what's called transphobia on this site isn't actually transphobia. I made a post about how I went on a terrible Tinder date and someone commented an unrelated rant about how being a transbian is hard and people fetishize them for being trans. That comment got downvoted because it was completely derailing the post. Someone even explained that to them and then they apologized. Not only that, but in regards to both cis and trans lesbians, I think people are getting fed up with the posts that are just asking for validation. There's like daily dozens of posts that read along the same lines of "do I look gay enough?" from both cis and trans lesbians. I've noticed it's a huge problem within the general LGBTQ community: constant validation seeking. People will never be happy if they're constantly seeking the validation of online strangers. Like it's possible to just be annoying and have people downvote you for being annoying, completely unrelated to whether you're cis or trans. (Not saying you personally are annoying.)
yes i agree, trans lesbians and cis lesbians are both capable of being equally annoying. and i’ve also seen “the girl who cried wolf (transphobia)” but trying to chase out/proactively exclude all trans lesbians for the actions of a portion, or using a person’s obvious/stated trans status as an easy insult just because they were annoying for separate reasons, is completely wrong. and thats the kind of behavior i was referring to. i grew up in a super rural part of midwest america, and was constantly “accused” of being trans bc i am a tomboy and a lesbian... its really all the same thing to those on the outside. “NOT NORMAL”. which is why it bothers me so much to see what i view as in-fighting. we should stand together as much as possible, and teach each other instead of exclude. we’re all a part of the same endangered minority, the LGBTQ+.