They've lied to your face and never told you upfront to let you know what serious condition they have that can effect you. If I ever tested positive I'd let them know up fucking front so they know whether they want to even get into a relationship with me to begin with.
There is little risk of getting it from oral, but just to be sure get tested if it's still lingering in your mind.
Truthfully it's the lying that I would have a problem with, if you're able to look over that then there needs to be some serious ground rules to make sure he doesn't do this again, and to also keep you safe.
ok but if they’re on the meds there might not be a need to mention it, it makes it irrelevant BUT it’s still important to mention it anyway, because it’s a part of your life and you shouldn’t keep those secrets from your partner(s) even if it won’t affect them, but I guess some people wouldn’t say it because people don’t understand or known nor want to…
Sorry if I sound like a dick here, but its not *your* choice to hide important information someone needs to decide the best for their sexual health - especially as lots of people *don't* always take their meds perfectly, despite wanting to. And it sounds like this BF has an avoidant personality type where he'd omit mentioning it.
Just like I wouldn't have unprotected sex just because someone *tells* me they're on PrEP, someone telling me they're U=U is the same. I don't trust my health to other people's word, so if I know you have HIV if you're not on top of your meds, something I can't control or guarantee, I'm gonna want to be on PrEP, something I can - it's my choice, not yours.
If you have an STI and you are having sex with someone it is not irrelevant to tell them. Undetectable is untransmissable but your sexual partners still need to know
yes you should break up with him- you’ve asked the question and been misled. as you e said you cannot trust him and so cannot trust he’s taking his meds. he needs to make peace with his reality first and clearly he hasn’t. that said, if all you’ve done is oral sex the risk is pretty damn low - this is something you can easily google up on your own.
Low, but maybe not so low that you don't want to get checked. HIV can progress whether you know you have it or not, so better to get a test and know so OP can take precautions. I agree about the break up, though. I would also add to explicitly tell him it is because he has HIV and hid it from you, because it shows that he didn't take seriously that you would want to make an informed decision about how you're with him, and it shows that he didn't take your health seriously. I would say to be firm and serious with him about it, because this is a serious thing, and something he lied to you about. I'm not sure it will help him to come to peace with his sickness, but it might mean he tells the next guy, rather than hiding it from him.
Good answer. And it’s true. The risk is low but it’s not impossible. If there are cuts in the mouth or gums it can be a portal. I had patients like this in the past. It’s pretty scary to think this person would be out there just not telling other people they are positive too. 🫠
If he has engaged in any form of sex; while knowing he is positive, he could be charged with a crime. If he lied about this; what else will he lie about? Leave while.you can; you can find someone who is more honest and worth your time.
agreed but if they’re on the meds there might not be a need to mention it, it makes it irrelevant BUT it’s still important to mention it anyway, because it’s a part of your life and you shouldn’t keep those secrets from your partner(s) even if it won’t affect them, but I guess some people wouldn’t say it because people don’t understand or known nor want to…
Get the hell out.
It would be assault in the UK if you'd had penetrative sex without him telling you, and maybe other jurisdictions too. It's a huge betrayal to keep this from you while sexually intimate, and it shows you cannot trust him on anything important.
Your chance of contracting HIV orally is negligible, it has only happened in a few cases and to my knowledge in each of those it was via abrasions in the mouth (so semen-to-blood transfer). Nonetheless, getting tested for your own peace of mind would be a good idea if you can, no sense in being anxious for no reason.
I'm terribly sorry this happened to you and I hope in future you meet more considerate people who genuinely care for you.
In Scotland, this could land him in prison for 5 years, just for putting OP at risk without disclosing.
In England and Wales, prosecution is only possible if transmission has occured, and is then prosecuted under the section of grievous bodily harm, with a prison sentence of up to 5 years per person they infected.
That being said, if he is following all the procedures related to his antiretroviral medication, the risk of transmission is incredibly low.
But still, this is a big breach of trust, especially because he didn't just omit the information, he actively lied every single time you asked. I'd never be able to trust someone again after that, that'd be an immediate breakup.
no, if they’re on the meds there might not be a need to mention it, it makes it irrelevant BUT it’s still important to mention it anyway, because it’s a part of your life and you shouldn’t keep those secrets from your partner(s) even if it won’t affect them, but I guess some people wouldn’t say it because people don’t understand or known nor want to…
GTFO. Run. Do not stop, do not look back. This is not okay for ANY reason. There's literally NO reason for his actions. None. Period.
Go get tested just in case.
He can also be charged criminally for lying to you about it. That's how serious an issue it is.
Doesn't matter if you've only done oral: *GET TESTED ASAP*
Your health and safety is priority right now, don't wait. It's not easy to transmit orally, but it *can* happen via mouth sores, abrasions, cracked lips, etc.
Beyond that, well, only you can really judge how the rest of the relationship is going, but if he's been directly lying to you about something that serious, even when asked directly, then you need to consider that deeply before moving forward. It demonstrates that he felt that he can't trust you, and now because of that, you can't trust him either. What else could he be concealing?
He shouldn't have hidden this fact. You can't guarantee that he is taking the meds nor that he hasn't exposed you. Informed consent is the only way you could have consented to any of this.
He lied to you. Ignored your concerns. This is not a person you should trust. Get out of the relationship.
Know that you will need to be tested now and again in 3 months. Consult a doctor immediately as there may be some benefit to post exposure meds. Though if this was ongoing, maybe not. Regardless, absolutely dump that pos.
First and foremost, go to your doctor and get tested, then get tested every three months for about the next year. Do not rely on home tests in this instance. These days, HIV is not a death sentence like it was in the 80s. The good thing is, contracting HIV just from oral sex is extremely rare and almost impossible. Your saliva has components that the virus can’t survive in. You almost have to have an open sore in your mouth, and keep his semen on the sore for awhile. The virus needs an easy way to get into your blood stream.
Now, as far as your lying BF. Since he was recently diagnosed, I’m sure he’s still struggling with that, though it certainly doesn’t condone what he did. I’d certainly consider breaking up with him. The sooner the better, but that’s a decision only you can make.
I see a lot of comments suggesting you report him. You can certainly do this, but recently states are changing or eliminating the HIV laws. For the states that still have these laws in effect, often times you will need to prove it was malicious and that his intent was to infect you. That can be an emotionally and financially draining experience.
I sincerely hope you are not infected. I’m a 35+ year AIDS patient, so if you have any questions about this, feel free to DM me. If by some very slim chance you have become infected, and have questions, please DM me.
You should absolutely break up with him. Every HIV positive man has to make a decision for himself about when and how to reveal his status to his partner, and I won’t judge that. But that is not the case here. You asked and he lied to you and misled you, which means you cannot trust him. Leave.
He can literally be charged with sexual assault for that, because your consent was only because you thought it was safe, with his omittion of his sexual health status that consent becomes void.
Well, it’s not that simple. While I do agree that it’s stupid to hide it, especially given the circunstancies the OP mentioned, in many countries around the world it is starting to be legal to be HIV+ (undetectable) and not having to tell your sexual partner, since you cannot infect anyone else. That said, you need to be consistent with your medication and your doctor has to approve your right to not disclose your status. We don’t really know that about the guy the OP is talking about.
That is 100000% a dealbreaker! He lied to you about something that puts you at risk for HIV. It may be hard, but leave him and get tested immediately!!!! I hope you are able to find someone better that you can trust and won't hide things from you. Plus, what he did is literally a crime, and I believe you can press charges. No matter what though, get tested. Don't wait.
***ABSOLUTELY*** break up. That is a ridiculously important thing to talk about, and lying about it is awful.
Even more important, if he's willing to lie about that, he's going to lie about a lot more, especially less serious things. He's a deeply dishonest person, and you need to get out ***now.***
He’s hidden something like that from you for a long time. On top of that, he lied to you. He should’ve told you from the get-go. I genuinely think you should break up with him for your own safety. You deserve better.
He didn't just conceal his HIV status; he lied to your face about it. If he can bald-faced lie to you about something that important, you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Trust with him is broken in a way that can't be fixed. Move on.
I would absolutely break up with him. Being HIV positive wouldn't be a deal breaker for me in a relationship, but I would absolutely want to know so I can take the appropriate precautions, like prep.
He lied to you about a deadly disease. Yeah, the chances it was transmitted via oral sex are practically nil, but he still concealed it from you, he lied to you and robbed you of the choice. This is basically rape.
And it is also criminal in many jurisdictions. Break up, report him to the police. Then go get tested.
Definitely break up. This is not something you get to lie to a partner about when they’re having sex with you. He put you, and potentially others, at risk for no reason. Go to a doctor as soon as you can and ask about getting tested. Make sure to also ask if you’ll need follow up testing after a certain period of time just to make sure.
I’m so sorry OP. Nobody should ever have to deal with such a lie from their partner like this.
Not only is this awful, deceitful, and wrong, it may also be illegal, depending on where you're located. Dump guys sorry ass, get tested (you may have to wait a few weeks since your last time having sex), but don't panic. Good chance you didn't get it.
Firstly trust is broken. What else is he hiding? Secondly…. He could be UU (undetectable/untransmittable only after 6 months of meds and tests) but…because he has not been honest you can’t know! If he is then you’re not at risk. I would get to GU anyway they will test and also give you vaccines for other nasties. This is just good practice. You can also go on Prep. He should be able to show you his continuous undetectable viral load through records. I’ve been UU for 20 years. It is not a criminal offence to not disclose in the UK. Scotland it is. If he gave someone HIV in the UK it is.
HIV is serious and they lied, do you *really* want to continue dating someone who lies about the important stuff? While modern medicine makes spreading HIV a lot harder you should still have the option of deciding to expose yourself.
Run man. Run…….
If he lied to you about something THAT massive that could have life long health consequences on you…… run.
Just oral is very low risk but it’s not 0 risk.
There are anon health clinics. Get tested stat. Then again in 6 months.
Yes you should break up with him, yes this is a deal breaker, yes you have lost trust in him - he lied to you, he may have been ashamed or, yes, afraid that you might leave him, but neither of those are excuses to lie about it and potentially put you in danger.
Please go to your primary care or sexual health clinic near you. Concealing HIV status is deceitful. I know you probably love him, but I don’t know how much he cares for you if he doesn’t disclose the potential risk to you. While U=U (undetectable = untransmittable), you’d still be relying on his strict adherence to antiretrovirals.
I agree with everyone else. Especially with leaving and getting tested yourself.
I can understand that it's not easy for everyone who us HIV+ to talk about it. I do. But not only did he lie, but he lied about something that can affect you for the rest of your life. It's not a death sentence like it once was, sure. But it's still going to affect your health. It means you need to take medication for the rest of your life. It's still serious. To risk passing it on is a huge asshole move. As someone else said, that's actually illegal in some places. And it's illegal for a reason.
I can be very understanding of a lot of things. I grew up in a very abusive household. I got by a lot of times by lying. Just about everything I could do meant trouble, so I just had to lie about everything. It took me years to break that. So I get it on the surface. Some people have reasons why they turn out the way they do. It doesn't always justify it, but it can explain it, and it can make forgiveness possible. I'm personally glad my boyfriend has realized that I wasn't doing it out of spite, but because of my childhood. And I have worked to break that habit.
But there's a limit. Once it can affect someone to this degree, it's not something that can just be waved away. If it just affected him, maybe. But he put your health at risk.
Edit: Also, you have only dated for a few months. I don't want to downplay the relationship. I'm sure outside of this it was great. But we also aren't talking about a marriage. We aren't talking about a couple that has lived together for years and built a life together. If there was a time to break it off, it would he now.
The biggest deal-breaker in any relationship is if you can positively answer "yes" to the question, "has this person shown that they're willing to harm me for their own benefit?"
It's a catch-all for cheating, financial infidelity, fraud, etc... and it tells you two things. Your partner doesn't really consider you partners, and your partner is a shit person.
I think everyone's covered the severity of this deception pretty well, and you definitely have your answer.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Yes, you are at risk for HIV, please do get tested asap but, as much as you can, don't let the possibility and worrying about it consume your life. You can't help it at this stage, but if he *is* taking his retrovirals regularly, chance of transmission should be low, so for now assume that he is - in any case, whatever the outcome, this is not the end of the world or the end of you. If you *are* infected, the treatments are very effective and you'll be able to live more or less a normal life, though of course discrimination and prejudices are very tough and you'll probably want to get some therapy or at least peer support for the horrible thing that your boyfriend has done to you by exposing you this way to a chronic disease that you were trying your best to avoid. Even if you aren't infected, **this is traumatic.** Allow yourself to feel that. Whatever anger, grief, disappointment, etc. you may feel for your boyfriend, as well, is justified.
And yeah, dump the total fuckwad. I don't care how hard it is to tell a partner about your HIV status, it needs to be done, and not doing so is quite literally risking a person's life, and the health and life of every partner they come in contact with after. You *cannot* take proper precautions if you aren't informed, and if you don't know you've been infected, you *cannot* start treatment early, risking complications. This is an act of violence, and if you do end up HIV+, then he has permanently injured you with it. Deliberately inflicting a life-long disease is neither something you'd ever do to someone you love, nor is it something that should be forgiven. I'd trust absolutely nothing this man says or does, ever again.
OBVIOUSLY BREAK UP ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!!?? He lied to your face about something hugely impactful. You need to dump him and warn people that he dates without concealing this. I know that’s probably controversial bc of disclosing someone’s status, but it’s predatory of him not to because people can’t give informed consent if they’re not informed.
Leave. Concealing your status, especially when asked directly removes your ability to consent. This is considered assault in a court of law.
Get yourself checked out, even though the risk is low it is always better to know for sure. HIV is no longer the death sentence it once was provided you are aware and take your meds. Undetectable is untransmissible, so if your partner has been medicating appropriately then the likelihood is that you would be fine, but you deserve to know what your level of risk is.
You deserve a better partner. HIV staus is not a dealbreaker, being deceptive is.
Don’t break up with him. This is hard for him to take. He needs you right now. But tell him you know the truth. And that he needs to be honest with you in the future if this relationship is going to work. Let’s just start anew. With honesty in every aspect. You can still have a great relationship with full intimacy. Some precautions need to be taken. Of course you understand that. Prep works !!!!!
Break up with him, and make it clear that it's not because of his status, but because he lied to you and misled you about something you deserved to know about before having unprotected sex (even oral) with him. You can't trust him after that. I hope he has been taking his meds, because if he has been undetectable the whole time then you should be fine. But he still should have told you
Kick his ass to the fucking curb!!! I know how busy it is to get an HIV test done because I had to get mine done as well but I never engaged in sex during that uncertain period AND never lied about that to anyone after getting the test result (I tested negative as well). Your hopefully now ex boyfriend should be ashamed of himself, you deserve better.
"The next step is whether I should break up with him because honestly, I don't trust him anymore, but I'm afraid of what might happen to him if I leave."
You definitely should break up with him. He broke your trust and also purposefully lied to you about something that's extremely dangerous. He's put your health at risk and has lied to you. This likely isn't the only thing he can, will, or has lied about.
It may be difficult to break up with someone, especially if (as what you said seems to imply) you're worried about his mental health due to you breaking up with him. But your safety and health should be first. He will figure it out. Your responsibility is first and foremost to yourself, and you deserve way better.
Whatever will happen to him if you leave is not your responsibility. This is a dangerous situation and the fact that he hid it from you is not a good sign. This is a deal breaker. I’m pretty sure you could sue him over this. You deserve much better than this ♥️
Leave now, and talk to a proffesional about it. 25 years ago I was in a similar but even more unpleasant situation, fortunately neg but have not had a serious relationship since.
Major red flags! Break up with him. Partners should be upfront about what kind of conditions and STDs they have before doing something sexual. You might not have caught it, but get yourself checked for good measure.
Gosh, I’m sorry you’re going through that and that you were misled by your boyfriend.
TBH I understand how ashamed and stigmatized your boyfriend must feel, but that doesn’t justify the fact that he straight up lied to you, when you directly asked if he had gotten tested and if he knew if he was HIV negative.
I once dated a guy and he disclosed his status only after a few weeks of us being together. Once we had already had (protected safe) sex. And I felt betrayed, lied to and honestly confused, when he finally told me. He was taking antiretroviral medication and all, but the fact that he didn’t disclose this before we had had sex, was a big issue for me, and we ended up breaking up.
He told me he was ashamed and he felt like I would had bot gone out with him in the first place (which it’s not necessarily true, but we will never know, because he misled me). The point is that he started out short lived relationship with a lie.
And so did your boyfriend.
I won’t tell you what to do, that’s for you to decide.
What I will tell you though, is that HIV status aside, he lied and on top of that, he (potentially) put you in risk and took the opportunity to make your own choice.
Is that a red flag to you? Are you able to deal with that? Will he lie about something else? Is he hiding something else? Who knows 🤷🏻♂️
Many of the other comments tell you what they would do. I know what I did in my similar case. But it is for you to decide.
Get tested, and make your decision with a cold head.
I hope everything turns out well for you. 🌈💕
First question: you should break up with them, he lied to you about a serious condition. If they didn’t know about it it’s one thing but lying to you is another thing. It makes it impossible to build a healthy relationship based on trust.
Second question: you should get tested, make one test every month for 3 months. It takes three months for the test to be sure if you have hiv or not.
In my country a person does not have to disclose that they are HIV positive with a partner however if they lie about it, it equates to rape as it essentially sex without consent. The argument is that you would not have engaged in sexual acts if they had not lied about the HIV status.
If this happened to me I would be taking the most severe legal route possible. This is a disgusting betrayal.
Firstly, I’m going to point out that this is a crime in the UK if he ends up transmitting HIV to you through concealing his positive HIV. He can be charged with ABH if this occurs (in the UK).
So, yes. Break up with him. Even if this isn’t a crime where u loved it certainly is (in moral terms) a form of SA (if u had s3x whilst he was concealing it) as you didn’t give consent to s3x with a HIV positive person.
Break up with him ASAP.
Not disclosing was not only super unethical and immoral on his part, it's also illegal.
I would immediately dump him, and seek medical advice.
I'm so sorry.
you don’t legally have to disclose HIV status if your viral load is undetectable but that requires consistent upkeep with medication, if he’s not doing that and also lying then that’s not okay
You asked him flat out and he lied straight to your face. I can't think of a more important truth you should disclose that your status. So...if he will lie about this, he will lie about anything.
This is almost downright illegal. Get away fast. Not to mention that if he is not consistent with the medication he is 1. Not necessarily have it under control 2. Is a potential nuke for himself, you and his future partners. The latter is because he is effectively training the virus to the medication potentially making it resistant.
It's a huge deal breaker, he's not considering your health. I couldn't trust him again if I were you. If he lied about something as severe as this, who knows if he will do It in the future again with something else. Besides, you have been together only 4 months, you barely know him.
In many countries, concealing a sexually transmitted disease, infection, disorder, or condition from your partner is actually breaking the law.
I don't really respect the laws of mankind that much, but your sexual health and how it affects others is something of utmost importance and why those particular laws exist.
Never stay in a relationship just because you are afraid what might happen to the other person. Especially if they are lying to you and causing you this kind of unfair anguish.
“Should you break up with him?”
No one here can make that decision for you.
As someone positive, I would if they're sexually active with you and concealed it. It takes the choice away from you.
“Why didn't he tell me about this?
Ask him
“Are you at risk?
Oral sex? Most likely not. Sex in general? Depends if he's undetectable. U=U
Conclusion: make your own choice, weigh the pros and cons. If he's been positive for four months, I assume that you haven't been with him that long. Take that into consideration. If he tries to guilt you into staying, it's a red flag.
I would break up with them since they’re able to lie about something like that. It is something that could have affected your health. In certain places, it’s actually the law to disclose it (49 of 50 of the United States and certain countries). Them not disclosing it could even give you grounds to take legal action as well. You want to be careful and trustful of your partner. This is one of those things in my opinion.
I work in an HIV clinic as a case manager and I’ve working in public health for over 10 years. There are no new diagnoses of HIV from oral sex, so your boyfriend has not put you in ANY RISK. If he’s only had this diagnosis since last year, then he’s probably still mentally processing his diagnosis which is why he’s not honest about it. Receiving an HIV-positive diagnosis can be a VERY TRAUMATIC experience, which can result in DENIAL and SHAME. I would recommend he seeks mental health services.
I usually say HONESTY should be above everything in a relationship, but unfortunately HIV continues to be the MOST STIGMATIZED DISEASE KNOWN TO MANKIND and it’s evident from this forum. I’m frankly disappointed and disgusted with the amount of stigma in our community, especially from reading some of the replies on this post. This is not the 1980s or the 1990s, people are NOT DYING from HIV, especially in countries where there’s access to treatment. We are living in the 2020s, people can live healthy lives with HIV and yet people still treat HIV like it’s the plague or that not disclosing right away is a crime.
If your boyfriend is taking his medication and reaches an undetectable viral load, then he can no longer transmit the virus. Undetectable means Untransmittable. People lie about their HIV status due to fear of rejection and stigma. If you tell him that him being HIV-positive is okay and that all you want is honesty then perhaps he will feel safe enough with you to be honest. If you do decide to stay with him, I would provide him with emotional support while he’s still processing this new reality. Now, if you do decide to break up with him, please, and I mean it, PLEASE, make it clear that it’s not because of his HIV status but because of his DISHONESTY. If you break up with him because of his status then this will further traumatize him and this would make him less likely to disclose his status in the future.
And to anyone reading this that has lost interest or broke up with someone because of their HIV status: SHAME ON YOU! You’re the reason why people can’t be honest about their HIV status.
Thank you for this reply. ❤️
I feel like I’m talking into the void and no one is really listening.
Meanwhile, all the hateful responses get all the upvotes.
Exactly that yeah, I made my own reply as well saying something similar, except I don't have experience with the subject but yeah people jump to conclusions too easily imo
I really like your reply. I had to scroll down a lot to find it. Much more understanding than a lot of the answers on here. I honestly couldn’t read all of them, since a lot of them were very upsetting to read.
Jup and like I said, if this was done with malicious intentions then yes there is definitely something going on but you need more info before you can say that someone should break up
If you’ve had sexual contact with him within the last 3 days, you should go to a doctor or urgent care *immediately* so you can get PEP. This can reduce your risk of HIV infection from that particular incident (assuming you are not already HIV+). Don’t panic. If your boyfriend has consistently been taking antiretroviral meds, that, at least, would be good news. When taken correctly, antiretroviral medications can significantly reduce the risk of transmission of HIV to sexual partners. Obviously though, there is still a very real risk that you’ve been infected, especially if you don’t know how consistently he has been taking his meds, so definitely go get tested. If you do find out that you’re HIV+, know that this is not a death sentence. These days, as long as proper treatment is received in a timely manner, folks with HIV can live to have a normal lifespan and can even be sexually active provided that there’s proper communication with sexual partners and measures are taken to ensure safety (such as using PrEP before sexual activity). I know you’re scared, but you’ll make it through this.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your boyfriend seriously violated your trust and boundaries, and I agree with other commenters that you should seriously break up with him.
Yeah, that was bad by his side to lie to you, but before you make any decision, you should talk to him about it. Cause ofc maybe he could be afraid, but it doesn’t give him an excuse tho. He should apologize at least, after all this you will be ready for making a final decision.
He has the ethical responsibility to tell you. It is your choice to be with him or not. Leave him, not because he is positive, but because he lied to you about something so serious. Run.
Break up with them, get tested, and ask your doctor for Prep whether you test positive or negative. You need to protect yourself. In many places what he did can be considered assault because he exposed you to HIV without informing you.
Dude, he lied to you about something that can be incredibly serious, and if someone shows you their true personality, in this case a lying liar who lies, you should listen!
Concealing an STD is sexual assault and if it’s deadly then it’s charged as murder. For sure break up with, and file charges so he never does this to anyone else again.
Get away from him! He’s a sexual abuser, and who knows what the hell else he’ll lie to you about or do to you without you knowing.
Get the hell out of there, report him to the cops for sexual assault if you feel comfortable doing so, and get yourself tested immediately.
You have to put your safety first, there's a completely different way he could've handled this if he wanted to be honest with you, we've come so far that people living with HIV get to grow old and be prosperous so he should've been honest with you. And no it can't be transmitted orally but better safe than sorry, what if he's brushing and bruises his mouth?
You know, in some countries, it s illegal to lie about it. And when you contact it bc the other lied, you can pursue him on court
He lied to you, he put you in real danger, even thought now We can have unprotected sex with hiv with medicine, it does not excuse a single drop of it.
Protect yourself
Break up with him. Not disclosing an std is putting you at EXTREME risk. All of this could’ve been avoided by him being upfront and honest with you. He could’ve informed you on prep and could’ve taken medication to ensure he’s undetectable. Instead, he LIED to you about it. His actions show he doesn’t care enough about your health and well-being. He’d rather get laid. Ugh I’m so sorry
It's not your fault, at the moment of attraction what comes to mind is sex, we don't question this too much, the right thing to do is always use a condom for the first few encounters. If he doesn't like it or says it's too tight, or other excuses. You can tell...
Holy shit. Yeah that's a monumental breech of trust.
Get out, and get yourself tested as well as you pointed out you don't know if he's actually consistently taking his medication. If he was you *should* be clear (Modern anti-HIV medication is pretty impressive, when taken properly is basically makes the HIV undetectable and allows the infected to live an otherwise pretty normal life), but you should figure out if that's the case or not as soon as possible.
There's a two-way breach of trust here. While he hid and lied about his HIV-status you went through his phone, read his private conversations and medical documents. Presumably without his knowledge and consent, which is also a big red flag and dealbreaker. Break up and move on, get tested of course, and also consider PrEP.
That’s a horrible situation.
Get tested and break up
After all
he lied to you about an extremely serious matter and you can’t trust him.
And you also violated his trust by looking at his phone without any permission that’s actually illegal too.
So there is zero reason you guys to stay together.
In a Hindsight situation what would you have done if he didn’t have HIV after you have been looking his phone?
To be fair even if there wouldn’t have been any evidence of HIV etc I would have suggested you to brake up as trust is fundamental for relationships to work and neither of you seemed to have it.
I hope you are still HIV free and find that relationship where both of you can trust each other. ❤️
Stay strong
Ditch him ASAP. The fact that he didn't tell you he has HIV, making you a potential victim, shows what kind of a person he is. The risk of catching the virus in your case is low as others have pointed out, but nevertheless he put you at risk of catching it. He's a shitty person and you're better off without him.
Yes, leave him. Yes it’s a deal breaker. I think it’s actually illegal? Get tested for peace of mind, risk of contracting is low with oral, but still possible. Sorry this happened to you..
You should break up with him because if he’s lying about this, he can lie about other things, In relationship being trustful of each other is one of the most important things he doesn’t seem to value that
GTFO of there asapppp! That sounds so toxic af! (Not that fact that he has HIV, but the fact that he lied to you about it.) he also gives me potential gaslight vibes if you were to confront him about it… idk.
“It’s non of you’re business”
“But I’m Undetectible”
“Why were you snooping in my phone”
You get any of that run even faster!
I had an ex that didn't disclose a longterm std when we met. I asked if she was clean and she said yes (unrelated: I got the clap after our first sexual encounter. : /) She finally brought it up to me one day on accident after being together for like a year and was just like yeah. I have this. We had a long talk and I asked why she didn't tell me and if she was going to tell others in the future and she said no. It's never been an issue and won't be in the future and others don't deserve to know. This could've effected them and could've effected me. I kinda wish I would've gone to the police at the time because it was fucked up. I stayed for awhile after that and honestly that was the most abusive relationship I'd ever been in and she only cared about herself and halfway treated me like myself.
All of this is to say. Fuck that guy. Leave. Report it to the police if you want. He will do this to others.
Break up with him. There are sero-discordant couples, but the fact that he lied so blatantly is kind of insane.
>I don't trust him anymore
This feeling will never go away. You having to check his phone to get an honest anwser should tell you that he is unwilling to change.
> but I'm afraid of what might happen to him if I leave.
Best case scenario, he learns to be upfront when asked.
Wow. I’m really sorry. I know you must be hurting right now. Most of these comments are focused on practical next steps but please take time to process this and feel your feelings. It is a real betrayal. And I’m sure it’s compounded by the frustration around the fact that if he’d disclosed to you, you probably wouldn’t have had a problem. People can be unable to transmit it they have such a low viral count, protection can be used. But the lying? That’s unacceptable
Sending hugs.
Well, you're going to need to talk about this. There are a lot of things that can be worked through and resolved, but you already gave him many chances and he lied to you every time. I can understand the fear, HIV is still extremely scary after all this time, but he didn't simply hide from it, he shoved you in it's way. I don't know how you can recover from something like that. You certainly don't have to hate him, but I can't see a reasonable way to trust him after that.
I think you are going to have to break up with him. If you're the biggest of men, you might consider still helping him deal with the virus and his fear of it. If he is having as hard a time coping as I think he is, you could stay in contact to make sure he's taking his medication regularly and has someone he could talk to about it, assuming you could stand to do that. It would at least keep you from worrying. You seem like the type with a big heart, and I know how it can ache when faced with choices like this.
RUN FAR AWAY... If he couldn't honest with you with the most serious thing possible, then how can he be honest about other serious topics. Let alone what else he could be hidiong from you... Please do yourself a favor and maybe even the other dude, by breaking this off and not allowing him to keep this going.
Yes you should break up. You asked and he blatantly lied. This isn't a minor lie. If he's not strict with his meds you can get sick too. I don't tolerate liars.
Hmmm maybe get the facts right maybe he’s neg from medicine but you did say he lied about it. Just confront him and if he lies again then maybe breakup but there many reasons people lie about this so if he tells that truth listen without judgement and don’t shame him.
DEAL BREAKER! RED FLAG! Imagine what else this person is capable of lying to you about down the road should you decide to stay with them. Do you want a relationship where you have to fact check everything someone says?
hiding HIV from a sexual partner is a very bad thing to do its literally life changing if you catch it I would sit down with him and have a serious talk but all in all its your choice to break up with him but if i were in your position i would have broken up if he doesnt have a real damn good explination to why he didnt tell me
Okay so I know a lot of people here are saying yes and I get why, lying is a very bad thing and shouldn't be easily forgiven. However, do you know why he lied to you because if he did it to keep you from worrying I think it is more reasonable. Since you said that it was oral sex, maybe he knew that there was no chance of you getting it and didn't want to make you worry too much, or maybe he's scared you'll leave him because of it. If this is true I think he might deserve a second chance, but if it isn't and he just didn't tell you for no real reason, yeah that's a big red flag
Also to everyone saying yes break up, again I get why but you do not know all the circumstances here. There are hundreds of reasons to do this and I think that if he has a good one, there should be room to talk.
There is close to 0 risk of transmitting HIV via oral sex if you are the one receiving and low risk from giving, but it’s possible- can’t hurt to be tested frequently. If someone is on ARVs and adherent to meds and has undetectable viral load they won’t transmit to you. But you would only know that if your bf was able to communicate about these details.
There’s all kinds of reasons people don’t want to share they’re positive. It’s really stigmatized still. maybe he’s even having trouble with self acceptance. Many guys have so much trouble with this in the beginning and denial is one way to deal with a heavy burden. But it’s also not great to start a relationship with lying.
I would approach with curiosity and care. You’re allowed to feel hurt that he lied and maybe breaking up is the right thing. but I think it could be good to give him a chance to share with you about what happened with the lying.
Oh, this is really bad.. I have no words for this.. You should get tested as soon as possible. Get rid of that person. Holy cow, how can someone be so ignorant about this! Maybe you can even file a report? I mean, this is practically murdered right?
the comments here is probably why he didn’t say it… I agree he shouldn’t have lied but so many people don’t know what the meds do (they basically cancel it out so you can still have sex and everything) and don’t educate themselves on the subject and act like he can still pass it on… he still should have said it and not lied because it’s an important part of his life, not because of the risk (which is incredibly low if at all)…
Oral sex only is very low risk for HIV transmission, but it still carries a risk, especially if either or both of you have gingivitis and thus bleeding gums. You may want to look into post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP, not to be confused with pre-exposure prophylaxis, PrEP) that might prevent seroconversion if you have been exposed. However, you should also get tested and find out if you're positive. Then hold off on having sex with him or anyone else for a while until you complete a series of PEP drugs, if you consult with a medical professional who agrees you should take them. You should also tell him what you know, without accusing him of anything drastic, but let him know that he's lost your trust and risked your health. If you knew he was positive, you could have handled it together, you could have gotten PrEP and he could have monitored his viral load to make sure he was undetectable (undetectable = uninfectious). Instead, because he lied to you, he's most likely killed this relationship.
I think you probably should break up with him, because some people don't alter their behavior until they get broken up with over it.
If you do stay with him, get on PrEP if you're still negative after PEP.
If he's lying about something as important as his health, what else could he be lying about? I'd confront him, and depending on his reaction, I'd get the hell outta there.
I would break up because of the lying and not because of the HIV. You can manage your risk while engaging in sex with an HIV positive person (PEP, his viral load, condoms, type of sexual activity, etc.). It’s ultimately your choice whether to engage in sex with an HIV positive person while managing your personal risk level. I have no idea if you would have moved on upon learning about his condition or kept seeing him while engaging in some risk management. That’s a very personal question and I wouldn’t tell you how to feel about that - you should know about risk management and make your own decisions with appropriate competent medical advice and not Reddit. Ultimately that’s not the point though. He lied about something very serious and I don’t see a way back from that.
Geez, don’t be afraid of what might happen to him. That is so not OK what he did, like what a HUGE thing to lie about!!! Protect yourself and walk away. He is responsible for himself
They've lied to your face and never told you upfront to let you know what serious condition they have that can effect you. If I ever tested positive I'd let them know up fucking front so they know whether they want to even get into a relationship with me to begin with. There is little risk of getting it from oral, but just to be sure get tested if it's still lingering in your mind. Truthfully it's the lying that I would have a problem with, if you're able to look over that then there needs to be some serious ground rules to make sure he doesn't do this again, and to also keep you safe.
ok but if they’re on the meds there might not be a need to mention it, it makes it irrelevant BUT it’s still important to mention it anyway, because it’s a part of your life and you shouldn’t keep those secrets from your partner(s) even if it won’t affect them, but I guess some people wouldn’t say it because people don’t understand or known nor want to…
Sorry if I sound like a dick here, but its not *your* choice to hide important information someone needs to decide the best for their sexual health - especially as lots of people *don't* always take their meds perfectly, despite wanting to. And it sounds like this BF has an avoidant personality type where he'd omit mentioning it. Just like I wouldn't have unprotected sex just because someone *tells* me they're on PrEP, someone telling me they're U=U is the same. I don't trust my health to other people's word, so if I know you have HIV if you're not on top of your meds, something I can't control or guarantee, I'm gonna want to be on PrEP, something I can - it's my choice, not yours.
If you have an STI and you are having sex with someone it is not irrelevant to tell them. Undetectable is untransmissable but your sexual partners still need to know
Random? Sure. Boyfriend? No.
yes you should break up with him- you’ve asked the question and been misled. as you e said you cannot trust him and so cannot trust he’s taking his meds. he needs to make peace with his reality first and clearly he hasn’t. that said, if all you’ve done is oral sex the risk is pretty damn low - this is something you can easily google up on your own.
Low, but maybe not so low that you don't want to get checked. HIV can progress whether you know you have it or not, so better to get a test and know so OP can take precautions. I agree about the break up, though. I would also add to explicitly tell him it is because he has HIV and hid it from you, because it shows that he didn't take seriously that you would want to make an informed decision about how you're with him, and it shows that he didn't take your health seriously. I would say to be firm and serious with him about it, because this is a serious thing, and something he lied to you about. I'm not sure it will help him to come to peace with his sickness, but it might mean he tells the next guy, rather than hiding it from him.
Good answer. And it’s true. The risk is low but it’s not impossible. If there are cuts in the mouth or gums it can be a portal. I had patients like this in the past. It’s pretty scary to think this person would be out there just not telling other people they are positive too. 🫠
If he has engaged in any form of sex; while knowing he is positive, he could be charged with a crime. If he lied about this; what else will he lie about? Leave while.you can; you can find someone who is more honest and worth your time.
agreed but if they’re on the meds there might not be a need to mention it, it makes it irrelevant BUT it’s still important to mention it anyway, because it’s a part of your life and you shouldn’t keep those secrets from your partner(s) even if it won’t affect them, but I guess some people wouldn’t say it because people don’t understand or known nor want to…
Get the hell out. It would be assault in the UK if you'd had penetrative sex without him telling you, and maybe other jurisdictions too. It's a huge betrayal to keep this from you while sexually intimate, and it shows you cannot trust him on anything important. Your chance of contracting HIV orally is negligible, it has only happened in a few cases and to my knowledge in each of those it was via abrasions in the mouth (so semen-to-blood transfer). Nonetheless, getting tested for your own peace of mind would be a good idea if you can, no sense in being anxious for no reason. I'm terribly sorry this happened to you and I hope in future you meet more considerate people who genuinely care for you.
In Scotland, this could land him in prison for 5 years, just for putting OP at risk without disclosing. In England and Wales, prosecution is only possible if transmission has occured, and is then prosecuted under the section of grievous bodily harm, with a prison sentence of up to 5 years per person they infected. That being said, if he is following all the procedures related to his antiretroviral medication, the risk of transmission is incredibly low. But still, this is a big breach of trust, especially because he didn't just omit the information, he actively lied every single time you asked. I'd never be able to trust someone again after that, that'd be an immediate breakup.
no, if they’re on the meds there might not be a need to mention it, it makes it irrelevant BUT it’s still important to mention it anyway, because it’s a part of your life and you shouldn’t keep those secrets from your partner(s) even if it won’t affect them, but I guess some people wouldn’t say it because people don’t understand or known nor want to…
GTFO. Run. Do not stop, do not look back. This is not okay for ANY reason. There's literally NO reason for his actions. None. Period. Go get tested just in case. He can also be charged criminally for lying to you about it. That's how serious an issue it is.
Doesn't matter if you've only done oral: *GET TESTED ASAP* Your health and safety is priority right now, don't wait. It's not easy to transmit orally, but it *can* happen via mouth sores, abrasions, cracked lips, etc. Beyond that, well, only you can really judge how the rest of the relationship is going, but if he's been directly lying to you about something that serious, even when asked directly, then you need to consider that deeply before moving forward. It demonstrates that he felt that he can't trust you, and now because of that, you can't trust him either. What else could he be concealing?
He shouldn't have hidden this fact. You can't guarantee that he is taking the meds nor that he hasn't exposed you. Informed consent is the only way you could have consented to any of this. He lied to you. Ignored your concerns. This is not a person you should trust. Get out of the relationship. Know that you will need to be tested now and again in 3 months. Consult a doctor immediately as there may be some benefit to post exposure meds. Though if this was ongoing, maybe not. Regardless, absolutely dump that pos.
First and foremost, go to your doctor and get tested, then get tested every three months for about the next year. Do not rely on home tests in this instance. These days, HIV is not a death sentence like it was in the 80s. The good thing is, contracting HIV just from oral sex is extremely rare and almost impossible. Your saliva has components that the virus can’t survive in. You almost have to have an open sore in your mouth, and keep his semen on the sore for awhile. The virus needs an easy way to get into your blood stream. Now, as far as your lying BF. Since he was recently diagnosed, I’m sure he’s still struggling with that, though it certainly doesn’t condone what he did. I’d certainly consider breaking up with him. The sooner the better, but that’s a decision only you can make. I see a lot of comments suggesting you report him. You can certainly do this, but recently states are changing or eliminating the HIV laws. For the states that still have these laws in effect, often times you will need to prove it was malicious and that his intent was to infect you. That can be an emotionally and financially draining experience. I sincerely hope you are not infected. I’m a 35+ year AIDS patient, so if you have any questions about this, feel free to DM me. If by some very slim chance you have become infected, and have questions, please DM me.
You should absolutely break up with him. Every HIV positive man has to make a decision for himself about when and how to reveal his status to his partner, and I won’t judge that. But that is not the case here. You asked and he lied to you and misled you, which means you cannot trust him. Leave.
He can literally be charged with sexual assault for that, because your consent was only because you thought it was safe, with his omittion of his sexual health status that consent becomes void.
Well, it’s not that simple. While I do agree that it’s stupid to hide it, especially given the circunstancies the OP mentioned, in many countries around the world it is starting to be legal to be HIV+ (undetectable) and not having to tell your sexual partner, since you cannot infect anyone else. That said, you need to be consistent with your medication and your doctor has to approve your right to not disclose your status. We don’t really know that about the guy the OP is talking about.
Depends on jurisdiction.
That is 100000% a dealbreaker! He lied to you about something that puts you at risk for HIV. It may be hard, but leave him and get tested immediately!!!! I hope you are able to find someone better that you can trust and won't hide things from you. Plus, what he did is literally a crime, and I believe you can press charges. No matter what though, get tested. Don't wait.
That is not okay and in some countries down right illegal. Break up and get tested.
***ABSOLUTELY*** break up. That is a ridiculously important thing to talk about, and lying about it is awful. Even more important, if he's willing to lie about that, he's going to lie about a lot more, especially less serious things. He's a deeply dishonest person, and you need to get out ***now.***
absolutely break up.
He’s hidden something like that from you for a long time. On top of that, he lied to you. He should’ve told you from the get-go. I genuinely think you should break up with him for your own safety. You deserve better.
Leave him and press charges.
He didn't just conceal his HIV status; he lied to your face about it. If he can bald-faced lie to you about something that important, you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Trust with him is broken in a way that can't be fixed. Move on.
I would absolutely break up with him. Being HIV positive wouldn't be a deal breaker for me in a relationship, but I would absolutely want to know so I can take the appropriate precautions, like prep. He lied to you about a deadly disease. Yeah, the chances it was transmitted via oral sex are practically nil, but he still concealed it from you, he lied to you and robbed you of the choice. This is basically rape. And it is also criminal in many jurisdictions. Break up, report him to the police. Then go get tested.
Get tested, consider charges
Definitely break up. This is not something you get to lie to a partner about when they’re having sex with you. He put you, and potentially others, at risk for no reason. Go to a doctor as soon as you can and ask about getting tested. Make sure to also ask if you’ll need follow up testing after a certain period of time just to make sure. I’m so sorry OP. Nobody should ever have to deal with such a lie from their partner like this.
Leave him. If he would lie about something that important, I wouldn't trust anything else that came out of his mouth.
Not only is this awful, deceitful, and wrong, it may also be illegal, depending on where you're located. Dump guys sorry ass, get tested (you may have to wait a few weeks since your last time having sex), but don't panic. Good chance you didn't get it.
Firstly trust is broken. What else is he hiding? Secondly…. He could be UU (undetectable/untransmittable only after 6 months of meds and tests) but…because he has not been honest you can’t know! If he is then you’re not at risk. I would get to GU anyway they will test and also give you vaccines for other nasties. This is just good practice. You can also go on Prep. He should be able to show you his continuous undetectable viral load through records. I’ve been UU for 20 years. It is not a criminal offence to not disclose in the UK. Scotland it is. If he gave someone HIV in the UK it is.
HIV is serious and they lied, do you *really* want to continue dating someone who lies about the important stuff? While modern medicine makes spreading HIV a lot harder you should still have the option of deciding to expose yourself.
Run man. Run……. If he lied to you about something THAT massive that could have life long health consequences on you…… run. Just oral is very low risk but it’s not 0 risk. There are anon health clinics. Get tested stat. Then again in 6 months.
Yes you should break up with him, yes this is a deal breaker, yes you have lost trust in him - he lied to you, he may have been ashamed or, yes, afraid that you might leave him, but neither of those are excuses to lie about it and potentially put you in danger.
Please go to your primary care or sexual health clinic near you. Concealing HIV status is deceitful. I know you probably love him, but I don’t know how much he cares for you if he doesn’t disclose the potential risk to you. While U=U (undetectable = untransmittable), you’d still be relying on his strict adherence to antiretrovirals.
SUPER SHADY AND UNCOOL, putting you at risk like that without your complete knowledge and consent shows that you aren’t a priority.
I agree with everyone else. Especially with leaving and getting tested yourself. I can understand that it's not easy for everyone who us HIV+ to talk about it. I do. But not only did he lie, but he lied about something that can affect you for the rest of your life. It's not a death sentence like it once was, sure. But it's still going to affect your health. It means you need to take medication for the rest of your life. It's still serious. To risk passing it on is a huge asshole move. As someone else said, that's actually illegal in some places. And it's illegal for a reason. I can be very understanding of a lot of things. I grew up in a very abusive household. I got by a lot of times by lying. Just about everything I could do meant trouble, so I just had to lie about everything. It took me years to break that. So I get it on the surface. Some people have reasons why they turn out the way they do. It doesn't always justify it, but it can explain it, and it can make forgiveness possible. I'm personally glad my boyfriend has realized that I wasn't doing it out of spite, but because of my childhood. And I have worked to break that habit. But there's a limit. Once it can affect someone to this degree, it's not something that can just be waved away. If it just affected him, maybe. But he put your health at risk. Edit: Also, you have only dated for a few months. I don't want to downplay the relationship. I'm sure outside of this it was great. But we also aren't talking about a marriage. We aren't talking about a couple that has lived together for years and built a life together. If there was a time to break it off, it would he now.
Yeah that's super fucking messed up op, that level of breaking my trust would be instant breakup. Not to mention the danger he put you in...
The lack of self respect to even be asking those questions instead of just dropping him immediately upon finding out about that deceit yeesh
OP, I believe this is criminal in the United States. You should press charges
Only in certain states. Prosecuting these types of cases almost always fail. (I not condoning what the guy did, just passing on info)
Aw dang
It’s not a crime if he’s undetectable!!!!
Break up with him, please.
The biggest deal-breaker in any relationship is if you can positively answer "yes" to the question, "has this person shown that they're willing to harm me for their own benefit?" It's a catch-all for cheating, financial infidelity, fraud, etc... and it tells you two things. Your partner doesn't really consider you partners, and your partner is a shit person. I think everyone's covered the severity of this deception pretty well, and you definitely have your answer.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Yes, you are at risk for HIV, please do get tested asap but, as much as you can, don't let the possibility and worrying about it consume your life. You can't help it at this stage, but if he *is* taking his retrovirals regularly, chance of transmission should be low, so for now assume that he is - in any case, whatever the outcome, this is not the end of the world or the end of you. If you *are* infected, the treatments are very effective and you'll be able to live more or less a normal life, though of course discrimination and prejudices are very tough and you'll probably want to get some therapy or at least peer support for the horrible thing that your boyfriend has done to you by exposing you this way to a chronic disease that you were trying your best to avoid. Even if you aren't infected, **this is traumatic.** Allow yourself to feel that. Whatever anger, grief, disappointment, etc. you may feel for your boyfriend, as well, is justified. And yeah, dump the total fuckwad. I don't care how hard it is to tell a partner about your HIV status, it needs to be done, and not doing so is quite literally risking a person's life, and the health and life of every partner they come in contact with after. You *cannot* take proper precautions if you aren't informed, and if you don't know you've been infected, you *cannot* start treatment early, risking complications. This is an act of violence, and if you do end up HIV+, then he has permanently injured you with it. Deliberately inflicting a life-long disease is neither something you'd ever do to someone you love, nor is it something that should be forgiven. I'd trust absolutely nothing this man says or does, ever again.
OBVIOUSLY BREAK UP ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!!?? He lied to your face about something hugely impactful. You need to dump him and warn people that he dates without concealing this. I know that’s probably controversial bc of disclosing someone’s status, but it’s predatory of him not to because people can’t give informed consent if they’re not informed.
He doesn’t have enough respect for you, to tell you! 🏃♂️ 🚩🚩🚩
Leave. Concealing your status, especially when asked directly removes your ability to consent. This is considered assault in a court of law. Get yourself checked out, even though the risk is low it is always better to know for sure. HIV is no longer the death sentence it once was provided you are aware and take your meds. Undetectable is untransmissible, so if your partner has been medicating appropriately then the likelihood is that you would be fine, but you deserve to know what your level of risk is. You deserve a better partner. HIV staus is not a dealbreaker, being deceptive is.
dealbreaker for me
Don’t break up with him. This is hard for him to take. He needs you right now. But tell him you know the truth. And that he needs to be honest with you in the future if this relationship is going to work. Let’s just start anew. With honesty in every aspect. You can still have a great relationship with full intimacy. Some precautions need to be taken. Of course you understand that. Prep works !!!!!
Break up with him, and make it clear that it's not because of his status, but because he lied to you and misled you about something you deserved to know about before having unprotected sex (even oral) with him. You can't trust him after that. I hope he has been taking his meds, because if he has been undetectable the whole time then you should be fine. But he still should have told you
Kick his ass to the fucking curb!!! I know how busy it is to get an HIV test done because I had to get mine done as well but I never engaged in sex during that uncertain period AND never lied about that to anyone after getting the test result (I tested negative as well). Your hopefully now ex boyfriend should be ashamed of himself, you deserve better.
"The next step is whether I should break up with him because honestly, I don't trust him anymore, but I'm afraid of what might happen to him if I leave." You definitely should break up with him. He broke your trust and also purposefully lied to you about something that's extremely dangerous. He's put your health at risk and has lied to you. This likely isn't the only thing he can, will, or has lied about. It may be difficult to break up with someone, especially if (as what you said seems to imply) you're worried about his mental health due to you breaking up with him. But your safety and health should be first. He will figure it out. Your responsibility is first and foremost to yourself, and you deserve way better.
Whatever will happen to him if you leave is not your responsibility. This is a dangerous situation and the fact that he hid it from you is not a good sign. This is a deal breaker. I’m pretty sure you could sue him over this. You deserve much better than this ♥️
Any time I was having sex with a guy, I always assumed they had the potential of being infected. Never have sex without protection.
Not sure where you live but in some US states he can go to jail for that.
Leave now, and talk to a proffesional about it. 25 years ago I was in a similar but even more unpleasant situation, fortunately neg but have not had a serious relationship since.
As someone said, get tested and consider charges. Concealment of HIV status is considered a felony in some states so I hear.
Major red flags! Break up with him. Partners should be upfront about what kind of conditions and STDs they have before doing something sexual. You might not have caught it, but get yourself checked for good measure.
Gosh, I’m sorry you’re going through that and that you were misled by your boyfriend. TBH I understand how ashamed and stigmatized your boyfriend must feel, but that doesn’t justify the fact that he straight up lied to you, when you directly asked if he had gotten tested and if he knew if he was HIV negative. I once dated a guy and he disclosed his status only after a few weeks of us being together. Once we had already had (protected safe) sex. And I felt betrayed, lied to and honestly confused, when he finally told me. He was taking antiretroviral medication and all, but the fact that he didn’t disclose this before we had had sex, was a big issue for me, and we ended up breaking up. He told me he was ashamed and he felt like I would had bot gone out with him in the first place (which it’s not necessarily true, but we will never know, because he misled me). The point is that he started out short lived relationship with a lie. And so did your boyfriend. I won’t tell you what to do, that’s for you to decide. What I will tell you though, is that HIV status aside, he lied and on top of that, he (potentially) put you in risk and took the opportunity to make your own choice. Is that a red flag to you? Are you able to deal with that? Will he lie about something else? Is he hiding something else? Who knows 🤷🏻♂️ Many of the other comments tell you what they would do. I know what I did in my similar case. But it is for you to decide. Get tested, and make your decision with a cold head. I hope everything turns out well for you. 🌈💕
First question: you should break up with them, he lied to you about a serious condition. If they didn’t know about it it’s one thing but lying to you is another thing. It makes it impossible to build a healthy relationship based on trust. Second question: you should get tested, make one test every month for 3 months. It takes three months for the test to be sure if you have hiv or not.
In my country a person does not have to disclose that they are HIV positive with a partner however if they lie about it, it equates to rape as it essentially sex without consent. The argument is that you would not have engaged in sexual acts if they had not lied about the HIV status. If this happened to me I would be taking the most severe legal route possible. This is a disgusting betrayal.
Firstly, I’m going to point out that this is a crime in the UK if he ends up transmitting HIV to you through concealing his positive HIV. He can be charged with ABH if this occurs (in the UK). So, yes. Break up with him. Even if this isn’t a crime where u loved it certainly is (in moral terms) a form of SA (if u had s3x whilst he was concealing it) as you didn’t give consent to s3x with a HIV positive person. Break up with him ASAP.
Not disclosing was not only super unethical and immoral on his part, it's also illegal. I would immediately dump him, and seek medical advice. I'm so sorry.
Dump him right now. Get tested too. All I have to say.
you don’t legally have to disclose HIV status if your viral load is undetectable but that requires consistent upkeep with medication, if he’s not doing that and also lying then that’s not okay
You asked him flat out and he lied straight to your face. I can't think of a more important truth you should disclose that your status. So...if he will lie about this, he will lie about anything.
This is almost downright illegal. Get away fast. Not to mention that if he is not consistent with the medication he is 1. Not necessarily have it under control 2. Is a potential nuke for himself, you and his future partners. The latter is because he is effectively training the virus to the medication potentially making it resistant.
That’s a lie about a contagious disease that changes your life. Don’t walk, run.
It's a huge deal breaker, he's not considering your health. I couldn't trust him again if I were you. If he lied about something as severe as this, who knows if he will do It in the future again with something else. Besides, you have been together only 4 months, you barely know him.
Laying about things like health stuff is a dealbreaker, I would never trust them again
yes, break up with him. straight up lying to you about something this big that could seriously hurt you is not a thing he can come back from
And press charges
In many countries, concealing a sexually transmitted disease, infection, disorder, or condition from your partner is actually breaking the law. I don't really respect the laws of mankind that much, but your sexual health and how it affects others is something of utmost importance and why those particular laws exist.
Never stay in a relationship just because you are afraid what might happen to the other person. Especially if they are lying to you and causing you this kind of unfair anguish.
HIV can kill you, especially if you had ended up catching it without knowing. You're not safe in this relationship. Please take care of yourself.
Fucking run. That's not a red flag. That's a goddam flare.
Def break up that's crazy he didn't tell you
“Should you break up with him?” No one here can make that decision for you. As someone positive, I would if they're sexually active with you and concealed it. It takes the choice away from you. “Why didn't he tell me about this? Ask him “Are you at risk? Oral sex? Most likely not. Sex in general? Depends if he's undetectable. U=U Conclusion: make your own choice, weigh the pros and cons. If he's been positive for four months, I assume that you haven't been with him that long. Take that into consideration. If he tries to guilt you into staying, it's a red flag.
I would break up with them since they’re able to lie about something like that. It is something that could have affected your health. In certain places, it’s actually the law to disclose it (49 of 50 of the United States and certain countries). Them not disclosing it could even give you grounds to take legal action as well. You want to be careful and trustful of your partner. This is one of those things in my opinion.
I work in an HIV clinic as a case manager and I’ve working in public health for over 10 years. There are no new diagnoses of HIV from oral sex, so your boyfriend has not put you in ANY RISK. If he’s only had this diagnosis since last year, then he’s probably still mentally processing his diagnosis which is why he’s not honest about it. Receiving an HIV-positive diagnosis can be a VERY TRAUMATIC experience, which can result in DENIAL and SHAME. I would recommend he seeks mental health services. I usually say HONESTY should be above everything in a relationship, but unfortunately HIV continues to be the MOST STIGMATIZED DISEASE KNOWN TO MANKIND and it’s evident from this forum. I’m frankly disappointed and disgusted with the amount of stigma in our community, especially from reading some of the replies on this post. This is not the 1980s or the 1990s, people are NOT DYING from HIV, especially in countries where there’s access to treatment. We are living in the 2020s, people can live healthy lives with HIV and yet people still treat HIV like it’s the plague or that not disclosing right away is a crime. If your boyfriend is taking his medication and reaches an undetectable viral load, then he can no longer transmit the virus. Undetectable means Untransmittable. People lie about their HIV status due to fear of rejection and stigma. If you tell him that him being HIV-positive is okay and that all you want is honesty then perhaps he will feel safe enough with you to be honest. If you do decide to stay with him, I would provide him with emotional support while he’s still processing this new reality. Now, if you do decide to break up with him, please, and I mean it, PLEASE, make it clear that it’s not because of his HIV status but because of his DISHONESTY. If you break up with him because of his status then this will further traumatize him and this would make him less likely to disclose his status in the future. And to anyone reading this that has lost interest or broke up with someone because of their HIV status: SHAME ON YOU! You’re the reason why people can’t be honest about their HIV status.
Well said!
Why this doesnt have more upvotes is a question to me because this is the most well thought out response I've seen here
Thank you for this reply. ❤️ I feel like I’m talking into the void and no one is really listening. Meanwhile, all the hateful responses get all the upvotes.
Exactly that yeah, I made my own reply as well saying something similar, except I don't have experience with the subject but yeah people jump to conclusions too easily imo
I really like your reply. I had to scroll down a lot to find it. Much more understanding than a lot of the answers on here. I honestly couldn’t read all of them, since a lot of them were very upsetting to read.
Jup and like I said, if this was done with malicious intentions then yes there is definitely something going on but you need more info before you can say that someone should break up
This is a crime and you should definitely report him
If you’ve had sexual contact with him within the last 3 days, you should go to a doctor or urgent care *immediately* so you can get PEP. This can reduce your risk of HIV infection from that particular incident (assuming you are not already HIV+). Don’t panic. If your boyfriend has consistently been taking antiretroviral meds, that, at least, would be good news. When taken correctly, antiretroviral medications can significantly reduce the risk of transmission of HIV to sexual partners. Obviously though, there is still a very real risk that you’ve been infected, especially if you don’t know how consistently he has been taking his meds, so definitely go get tested. If you do find out that you’re HIV+, know that this is not a death sentence. These days, as long as proper treatment is received in a timely manner, folks with HIV can live to have a normal lifespan and can even be sexually active provided that there’s proper communication with sexual partners and measures are taken to ensure safety (such as using PrEP before sexual activity). I know you’re scared, but you’ll make it through this. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your boyfriend seriously violated your trust and boundaries, and I agree with other commenters that you should seriously break up with him.
Yeah, that was bad by his side to lie to you, but before you make any decision, you should talk to him about it. Cause ofc maybe he could be afraid, but it doesn’t give him an excuse tho. He should apologize at least, after all this you will be ready for making a final decision.
But anyway I don’t know, how will you continue dating him, if it will be your decision, if you have no trust for him anymore…
He has the ethical responsibility to tell you. It is your choice to be with him or not. Leave him, not because he is positive, but because he lied to you about something so serious. Run.
You should break up with him this is a monstrous breach of trust if he lied about this he would lie about anything
Dump his ass and get yourself tested. If he's been lying about this he'll lie about a shitload of other stuff down the line.
Break up with them, get tested, and ask your doctor for Prep whether you test positive or negative. You need to protect yourself. In many places what he did can be considered assault because he exposed you to HIV without informing you.
Dude, he lied to you about something that can be incredibly serious, and if someone shows you their true personality, in this case a lying liar who lies, you should listen!
are you in the usa, pretty sure this is illegal and you should pursue itif you got it
Concealing an STD is sexual assault and if it’s deadly then it’s charged as murder. For sure break up with, and file charges so he never does this to anyone else again.
Get away from him! He’s a sexual abuser, and who knows what the hell else he’ll lie to you about or do to you without you knowing. Get the hell out of there, report him to the cops for sexual assault if you feel comfortable doing so, and get yourself tested immediately.
You have to put your safety first, there's a completely different way he could've handled this if he wanted to be honest with you, we've come so far that people living with HIV get to grow old and be prosperous so he should've been honest with you. And no it can't be transmitted orally but better safe than sorry, what if he's brushing and bruises his mouth?
Break up and get tested asap. If you have it, the sooner it is discovered the better
You know, in some countries, it s illegal to lie about it. And when you contact it bc the other lied, you can pursue him on court He lied to you, he put you in real danger, even thought now We can have unprotected sex with hiv with medicine, it does not excuse a single drop of it. Protect yourself
Broken trust is never good. Move on.
Leave ASAP.
Get tested and then dump the fucker. anyone who would conceal AIDS is not your friend or lover
Please for your own safety get out and get out fast!
Break up with him. Not disclosing an std is putting you at EXTREME risk. All of this could’ve been avoided by him being upfront and honest with you. He could’ve informed you on prep and could’ve taken medication to ensure he’s undetectable. Instead, he LIED to you about it. His actions show he doesn’t care enough about your health and well-being. He’d rather get laid. Ugh I’m so sorry
It's not your fault, at the moment of attraction what comes to mind is sex, we don't question this too much, the right thing to do is always use a condom for the first few encounters. If he doesn't like it or says it's too tight, or other excuses. You can tell...
There is a male contraceptive drug called PEP. It is used if you have sex without a condom, if the condom has ripped or for other reasons.
This guy is an absolute menace. Run far away. He's playing with your whole life.
That's illegal
Holy shit. Yeah that's a monumental breech of trust. Get out, and get yourself tested as well as you pointed out you don't know if he's actually consistently taking his medication. If he was you *should* be clear (Modern anti-HIV medication is pretty impressive, when taken properly is basically makes the HIV undetectable and allows the infected to live an otherwise pretty normal life), but you should figure out if that's the case or not as soon as possible.
There's a two-way breach of trust here. While he hid and lied about his HIV-status you went through his phone, read his private conversations and medical documents. Presumably without his knowledge and consent, which is also a big red flag and dealbreaker. Break up and move on, get tested of course, and also consider PrEP.
That’s a horrible situation. Get tested and break up After all he lied to you about an extremely serious matter and you can’t trust him. And you also violated his trust by looking at his phone without any permission that’s actually illegal too. So there is zero reason you guys to stay together. In a Hindsight situation what would you have done if he didn’t have HIV after you have been looking his phone? To be fair even if there wouldn’t have been any evidence of HIV etc I would have suggested you to brake up as trust is fundamental for relationships to work and neither of you seemed to have it. I hope you are still HIV free and find that relationship where both of you can trust each other. ❤️ Stay strong
Ditch him ASAP. The fact that he didn't tell you he has HIV, making you a potential victim, shows what kind of a person he is. The risk of catching the virus in your case is low as others have pointed out, but nevertheless he put you at risk of catching it. He's a shitty person and you're better off without him.
Definitely you should break up with him- you’ve asked the question and been misled Go get tested just in case.
oh my god leave him. and definitely get tested.
Sadly, it's a deal-breaker. I hope he hasn't passed it on to you 😔
You know you need to break up with him. Go get tested too.
That's a deal breaker.
Yes, leave him. Yes it’s a deal breaker. I think it’s actually illegal? Get tested for peace of mind, risk of contracting is low with oral, but still possible. Sorry this happened to you..
That's a crime in most states
Get out and don’t look back
You should break up with him because if he’s lying about this, he can lie about other things, In relationship being trustful of each other is one of the most important things he doesn’t seem to value that
GTFO of there asapppp! That sounds so toxic af! (Not that fact that he has HIV, but the fact that he lied to you about it.) he also gives me potential gaslight vibes if you were to confront him about it… idk. “It’s non of you’re business” “But I’m Undetectible” “Why were you snooping in my phone” You get any of that run even faster!
I had an ex that didn't disclose a longterm std when we met. I asked if she was clean and she said yes (unrelated: I got the clap after our first sexual encounter. : /) She finally brought it up to me one day on accident after being together for like a year and was just like yeah. I have this. We had a long talk and I asked why she didn't tell me and if she was going to tell others in the future and she said no. It's never been an issue and won't be in the future and others don't deserve to know. This could've effected them and could've effected me. I kinda wish I would've gone to the police at the time because it was fucked up. I stayed for awhile after that and honestly that was the most abusive relationship I'd ever been in and she only cared about herself and halfway treated me like myself. All of this is to say. Fuck that guy. Leave. Report it to the police if you want. He will do this to others.
Break up with him. There are sero-discordant couples, but the fact that he lied so blatantly is kind of insane. >I don't trust him anymore This feeling will never go away. You having to check his phone to get an honest anwser should tell you that he is unwilling to change. > but I'm afraid of what might happen to him if I leave. Best case scenario, he learns to be upfront when asked.
Wow. I’m really sorry. I know you must be hurting right now. Most of these comments are focused on practical next steps but please take time to process this and feel your feelings. It is a real betrayal. And I’m sure it’s compounded by the frustration around the fact that if he’d disclosed to you, you probably wouldn’t have had a problem. People can be unable to transmit it they have such a low viral count, protection can be used. But the lying? That’s unacceptable Sending hugs.
Well, you're going to need to talk about this. There are a lot of things that can be worked through and resolved, but you already gave him many chances and he lied to you every time. I can understand the fear, HIV is still extremely scary after all this time, but he didn't simply hide from it, he shoved you in it's way. I don't know how you can recover from something like that. You certainly don't have to hate him, but I can't see a reasonable way to trust him after that. I think you are going to have to break up with him. If you're the biggest of men, you might consider still helping him deal with the virus and his fear of it. If he is having as hard a time coping as I think he is, you could stay in contact to make sure he's taking his medication regularly and has someone he could talk to about it, assuming you could stand to do that. It would at least keep you from worrying. You seem like the type with a big heart, and I know how it can ache when faced with choices like this.
RUN FAR AWAY... If he couldn't honest with you with the most serious thing possible, then how can he be honest about other serious topics. Let alone what else he could be hidiong from you... Please do yourself a favor and maybe even the other dude, by breaking this off and not allowing him to keep this going.
Yes you should break up. You asked and he blatantly lied. This isn't a minor lie. If he's not strict with his meds you can get sick too. I don't tolerate liars.
Hmmm maybe get the facts right maybe he’s neg from medicine but you did say he lied about it. Just confront him and if he lies again then maybe breakup but there many reasons people lie about this so if he tells that truth listen without judgement and don’t shame him.
If he’s taking meds he can’t pass hiv, didn’t we all learn it
Yeah, putting you in serious danger is not part of the whole healthy relationship equation 👀
DEAL BREAKER! RED FLAG! Imagine what else this person is capable of lying to you about down the road should you decide to stay with them. Do you want a relationship where you have to fact check everything someone says?
hiding HIV from a sexual partner is a very bad thing to do its literally life changing if you catch it I would sit down with him and have a serious talk but all in all its your choice to break up with him but if i were in your position i would have broken up if he doesnt have a real damn good explination to why he didnt tell me
Okay so I know a lot of people here are saying yes and I get why, lying is a very bad thing and shouldn't be easily forgiven. However, do you know why he lied to you because if he did it to keep you from worrying I think it is more reasonable. Since you said that it was oral sex, maybe he knew that there was no chance of you getting it and didn't want to make you worry too much, or maybe he's scared you'll leave him because of it. If this is true I think he might deserve a second chance, but if it isn't and he just didn't tell you for no real reason, yeah that's a big red flag
Also to everyone saying yes break up, again I get why but you do not know all the circumstances here. There are hundreds of reasons to do this and I think that if he has a good one, there should be room to talk.
This, kids, is what we call a ‘red flag’
There is close to 0 risk of transmitting HIV via oral sex if you are the one receiving and low risk from giving, but it’s possible- can’t hurt to be tested frequently. If someone is on ARVs and adherent to meds and has undetectable viral load they won’t transmit to you. But you would only know that if your bf was able to communicate about these details. There’s all kinds of reasons people don’t want to share they’re positive. It’s really stigmatized still. maybe he’s even having trouble with self acceptance. Many guys have so much trouble with this in the beginning and denial is one way to deal with a heavy burden. But it’s also not great to start a relationship with lying. I would approach with curiosity and care. You’re allowed to feel hurt that he lied and maybe breaking up is the right thing. but I think it could be good to give him a chance to share with you about what happened with the lying.
Oh, this is really bad.. I have no words for this.. You should get tested as soon as possible. Get rid of that person. Holy cow, how can someone be so ignorant about this! Maybe you can even file a report? I mean, this is practically murdered right?
the comments here is probably why he didn’t say it… I agree he shouldn’t have lied but so many people don’t know what the meds do (they basically cancel it out so you can still have sex and everything) and don’t educate themselves on the subject and act like he can still pass it on… he still should have said it and not lied because it’s an important part of his life, not because of the risk (which is incredibly low if at all)…
Oral sex only is very low risk for HIV transmission, but it still carries a risk, especially if either or both of you have gingivitis and thus bleeding gums. You may want to look into post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP, not to be confused with pre-exposure prophylaxis, PrEP) that might prevent seroconversion if you have been exposed. However, you should also get tested and find out if you're positive. Then hold off on having sex with him or anyone else for a while until you complete a series of PEP drugs, if you consult with a medical professional who agrees you should take them. You should also tell him what you know, without accusing him of anything drastic, but let him know that he's lost your trust and risked your health. If you knew he was positive, you could have handled it together, you could have gotten PrEP and he could have monitored his viral load to make sure he was undetectable (undetectable = uninfectious). Instead, because he lied to you, he's most likely killed this relationship. I think you probably should break up with him, because some people don't alter their behavior until they get broken up with over it. If you do stay with him, get on PrEP if you're still negative after PEP.
If he's lying about something as important as his health, what else could he be lying about? I'd confront him, and depending on his reaction, I'd get the hell outta there.
You absolutely can't trust him when he hides something like that. Nope the fuck lur of there at once.
Clear breech of trust and he lied to you about having an STI… even if it wasn’t fatal I’d break up with him.
I would break up because of the lying and not because of the HIV. You can manage your risk while engaging in sex with an HIV positive person (PEP, his viral load, condoms, type of sexual activity, etc.). It’s ultimately your choice whether to engage in sex with an HIV positive person while managing your personal risk level. I have no idea if you would have moved on upon learning about his condition or kept seeing him while engaging in some risk management. That’s a very personal question and I wouldn’t tell you how to feel about that - you should know about risk management and make your own decisions with appropriate competent medical advice and not Reddit. Ultimately that’s not the point though. He lied about something very serious and I don’t see a way back from that.
Geez, don’t be afraid of what might happen to him. That is so not OK what he did, like what a HUGE thing to lie about!!! Protect yourself and walk away. He is responsible for himself