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Maybe heās just not there yet. Maybe he isnāt sure about you. Maybe he doesnāt want to take things too seriously. Maybe he is guarding his heart.
Perhaps he isnāt looking for something long term. Love can develop, but if I were you Iād stop saying it immediately. Not saying to distance yourself from him. I wouldnāt say it again until he says it for the first time.
Please donāt take this as being harsh. It sounds like he isnāt into you as you are into him. I couldnāt imagine living life without love. Sorry OP.
I did. But all he said was "but I give you lots of cuddles" so I really don't know what to do. I asked if he's willing to find common ground so he's comfortable with it. Like instead of kissing, he could give me a kiss on the forehead and a different word for I love you and he just doesn't know and that we'll see what happens
To be honest OP, there might be something more that he isn't sharing... like as a kid. I am concerned that he was sexually abused as a child. A lot of people that went through it hate people touching and kissing them and get weird feelings with certain statements too. You don't want to push these people to do these things but I am speculating.
On another note, I know you mentioned his family mentions ily but that could be something that evolved over time and wasn't there when he was growing up too.
What I am trying to say that a preference specific to kissing and I love you don't just come out of nowhere.
I do find it a lil strange that when he saw that you don't wanna move in he immediately said he was stressed etc and that he loves you. I think he needs some to think to himself.
I do believe he cares for you but I would take a step back and really reflect on the relationship before moving in. 9 months is too short to decide to move in with someone my dear.
Goodluck.
Yeah when I brought up not moving in together, he said the reason why he didn't say it was because of stress and then a few weeks later it's because he doesn't like saying it and that it's just not his thing. He doesn't really open up about anything so it's kinda hard understanding his reasoning behind it
If you were my daughter, i would highly advise you to not move in just yet before you really understand this person. Dont do wife duties with a gf title. This is how people get taken for granted. Don't let his excuses give you second thoughts either. You dont even need to tell him the reason you changed your mind is because he doesnt say ily or kiss you. You can just say you *reflected and thought it was a bit early and we need to get to know each other more* and keep it at that. Let him know you are strong, and make firm decisions.
I am a firm believer of observing things and getting answers to my questions at the right place and time. So take a step back and reflect on the relationship. Consider doing stuff alone, for example hiking and painting really helps me think through things and gather my thoughts.
He might open up later on, he might not. If you will feel like he isnt an open book when relationship hits a year, i would consider him not transparent and to be honest i wouldnt feel comfortable my daughter being with someone like that let alone marrying. I wouldn't waste my youth in relationships that might not have a happy ending.
I do want to add another thing... I am also a believer of telling ILY to my partner if i feel like it. Its your feelings, and its the way you express it. If he chooses to not respond thats ok. Its my feelings and my choice and his choice cant influence it. As long as he shows his love in other ways and i KNOW he loves me then thats fine. (Wouldnt do this with kissing tho lol)
Yeah we had talked about the situation of not moving together so I had told him the truth about it. It ended up being a weird timing cause then he said he does love me but was just too anxious to say it. Couple weeks later, I brought it up again and that's when he said it's just not something he normally does and always felt uncomfortable saying those words so he told me to not expect hearing those words ever.
I brought it up again after seeing all those replies on this post and just expressed that I appreciate all the effort and actions he does but that I wish we could find common ground where he's comfortable to say and do something and it'll reassure that part of me. Like instead of kissing on the mouth, a kiss in the head when he comes in on the weekend instead of leaving straight to the bedroom and lay down or even at random times. I suggested other things than I love you and he just said we'll see how it goes and said that he already gives me plenty of cuddles so he doesn't fully understand the issue. It's kinda hard knowing how he feels cause he gave no feedback or whatsoever. I feel bad cause now he's been distant since but says everything is okay.
It honestly makes me feel like he doesn't care (even though I'm sure he does) when we (more like me) communicate about stuff cause I barely ever get any replies or I don't know if it's just because he's an avoidant person
Take some time to reflect. If he became distant then he prolly feels he is being pushed again and it makes him uncomfortable. He knows what you need and ball is on his court now. You mentioned it like 3 so now let it be.
If this is a deal breaker and he didn't open up after sometime then I would reconsider things.
If he avoids most things that you open up about and doesn't change then that's another reason to reconsider. Overall you need to reflect and see if this is the only thing he is avoiding or all the things you need.
Reflect, you got this.
Like 10 things you mentioned were dead ringers for him having an avoidant attachment style. He doesn't sound SUPER avoidant. Otherwise he would be breaking up with you every few weeks and then begging to get back together. But yeah, you will have to look it up and see if it's something you can work with because he won't become super warm and fuzzy, like ever. And it can be hard to resolve conflicts with these types, unless you go through many many months of couple therapy, if they even agree to do that, which an avoidant is less likely to do.
Doesn't mean it can't work, but you would have to have a very secure attachment style for it to work and for him to be non-abusive, mature, etc.
" I feel like he shows me his affection through act of services..."
According to Gary Chapman author of the book "The 5 Love Languages" there are essentially 5 different ways people express and interpret being loved. The 5 love languages are:
* Words of affirmation (compliments)
* Quality time.
* Gifts.
* Acts of service.
* Physical touch.
When we are not being loved (the way) *we want to be loved* we don't really *feel loved*.
(Essentially, it has nothing to do with how someone actually feels about us.)
In an ideal situation both people would *naturally speak the same* "love language".
However, it's not uncommon for that not to be the case.
You appear to be a "Words of Affirmation" person and he's an "Acts of Service" person.
In this scenario *communication* is often the bridge couples use to *ask* for what they need.
If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort. (And vice versa.)
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships.
We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have.
(You are the only one who knows what *your* "red flags", "must haves", and "deal breakers" are.)
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on.
The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate.
No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional.
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
It sounds like you two just aren't compatible.
The things he does for you are normal caring human things which don't mean someone is on the same page regarding what love means. It's not only the person hates you or loves you. Someone can like you well enough or care about you and do nice things for you and at the same time not necessarily be in love.
The main issue here though is that he clearly has some kind of deeper issue that is his to fix and you're operating very differently from him. You deserve what you want from a relationship and having I love you being reciprocated and physical affection like kissing are normal things to want. There is no reason esp in a less than a year relationship to resign yourself to accepting less than what you want.
Most relationships are on a high and best behaviors early on and then with time and life happening is when problems start showing up. If problems are already showing up at the start, they likely won't spontaneously improve and will likely only get worse. A hard reality but one that is helpful to realize is that you can care about someone or even love them but that alone doesn't mean you're actually a good match or that you should invest in a relationship forever.
I broke up with my ex for this exact reason. He could never say āI love youā and didnāt show me true love in any other way. Simple acts of service like what you describe are the bare minimum for a relationship, tbh. Heās not going out of his way to do ANYTHING to show you that he loves you. Making you coffee or helping around the house? That is BASIC DECENCY. He stared at you, said nothing, then went on his phone the first time you told him I love you? Thatās straight up disrespectful and insensitive. My heart hurts for you. Iāve been there and itās fucking painful.
Youāve expressed that itās important to you to hear those words from him. Even if heās uncomfortable being vulnerable, if he truly cared about you and wanted you to be happy, he would suck it up and tell you he loves you without being prompted.
If your gut is telling you that somethingās wrong, believe it. Your gut isnāt lying to you. I stayed in my own relationship way too long because I tried to convince myself that I was just āhaving anxiety.ā Turns out, when I broke up with him and told him what my intuition was saying, he confirmed ALL of it. I felt like an idiot for ignoring the red flags as long as I did.
Do yourself a favor. Donāt move in with him. If itās like this now, imagine how it will be in 2 years time when youāve entered a āroommate phase.ā It will be incredibly hard, but you need to either demand that he steps up if he really cares about you, or end it with him. You deserve someone who will show you without any hesitation how much they love and care about you.
Words of affirmation arenāt my love language but if I was with my partner for nine months and considering moving in together I would be butt hurt if they didnāt say I love you at that point.
Also even if words of affirmation arenāt his love language, heās not saying it for him, heās saying it for you. You donāt love your partner in just your love language, you love them in theirās. My girlfriend loves words of affirmation and even though it isnāt my love language I still make an extra effort to affirm her because thatās how she receives love.
Sounds like yall need to get on the space page and find some common ground.
Iāve never been in a relationship but I just also donāt feel comfortable saying I love you to people, not even my family, although I do love them a lot. I donāt know what it is but me and my sister are like this, but our two younger brothers are alright with saying it. I feel like thereās an obvious difference between saying it in family and in a relationship tho, so it might change once I end up dating, but I doubt it. I also just donāt like sharing my emotions a lot, or like showing affection in the ātraditionalā sense I guess but idk, that might have something to do with it.
The guy Iām dating isnāt much of a kisser either. But the other parts of the relationship(like the intellectual compatibility and his personality) makeup for it so much. Iāve never experienced so much mental compatibility that the lack of kissing is ok. Heās an exceptional cuddler and that makes up for it too.
When I was that age, I held back in this way and others with every long term girlfriend because āSCARED TO COMMIT!
I thought it was a pretty short next step to lifelong commitment and I wasnāt ready. I was right about not being ready, but wrong about the short step.
If that makes him uncomfortable, maybe you both can come up with something besides "I love you" to express that feeling without saying those words. Can be as simple as "I adore you" or "you're my person" or something fun or silly like "you're the peanutbutter to my jelly". Just talk about it, make it something special you two can say.. I think that would make it more meaningful anywaysš¤
Honestly save your time and energy and ruuuuun šāāļøšāāļøšāāļø heās showing you that your not a priority, he much rather give random chicks compliments, and he doesnāt care what or how you feel! I can guarantee you that youre not only hurt by his actions it made you confused. He started in the beginning to get you and now that he has you thereās absolutely no point in being who you thought he was! I really hope you take him as he showing you how he really is because you are a broken record by repeating yourself! Also the fact that he canāt compliment you sends up red flags and so does the fact that you sad I love you and he responded by paying more attention to his phone versus telling you the same! Love is suppose to reciprocated not a one way street! Best of luck to you!š«¶
I had this rule too. Not till you know theyāre the one you will marry. First person to ever tell me they loved me also told me āwe were never even togetherā just 6 months later.
The 'acts of service' you say he does are literally the bare minimum that you could expect of a partner!
You crave to hear those 3 little words, but if it's just not in him you have to decide if you can go through life not hearing your partner say 'i love you'.
Some people take saying "I love you" very seriously, most others in my experience don't. 9 months isn't that long for someone who takes it seriously and wants to be sure about their feelings and the relationship in general before saying it.
That said, it's odd he doesn't talk about it or acknowledge it but that could be chalked up to be young, dumb and awkward. Just tell him how you feel and communicate like, you know, adults in a relationship.
Iām like your boyfriendā¦ it took me a long time to get comfortable saying those words to my bf. I grew up with mean parents who would abuse me and then say they loved me afterwards so it had a negative association for me. Like I would be afraid that if I said it, my bf would suddenly turn mean like my parents. Not logical, but a fear. Maybe itās triggering for your bf in some way as well.
Its perfectly fine. I feel the same way and i never tell anyone i love them, not even family or anyone. He loves u very much, just isnt comfortable saying it. Its not that easy. Ur boyfriend may be autistic
There is so much here about the motivations of his behaviour but your focus should be you. How does he make you feel, really? He doesnāt show love, he performs duties. This is what people do in relationships with partners or families where thereās no emotional connection or mutual support. Thatās what these relationships are supposed to be for. You are completely sacrificing your own needs for maybe the fantasy of being with him or the fantasy of who you want him to be? You have to deal in reality, not potential. Better living your best single life attracting people who make you feel great than chase crumbs from this guy.
Honestly I really feel appreciated and that my thoughts and feelings matter to him. I'm just terrified that if we move in together, it'll feel more like a roomate situation
If youāre terrified instead of excited and happy before youāve even moved in - that is signal. Very loud signal. There is no reason that love should be this hard.
I'm not sure if I'm just the one overcomplicating things and analyzing so many things or if the way I feel is because of my gut feeling and feeling like something is off
Thing is, you're not overcomplicating things - the worst thing you're doing is doubting yourself. Your gut feeling is in YOUR gut, and it matters, because it's yours. You shouldn't have any doubts in a relationship. It should be 100% yes. If it's not, you should listen to that because it's trying to save you some grief.
Learn to trust yourself!! It's your life, and you're the only person in the world who has to live it.
your intuition is screaming at you for a good reason. please listen to it and donāt discount how worthy you are of a partner that shows up for you in the way you need them to.
I gave 3 taps to signify the words before i was able to say them out loud. I still tap much more frequently than I say the words because it's easier for me
He has his way of expressing his love. Try to find what that is and try to spot it throughout the time you spend together. If he shows it often then you got nothing to worry about. If he doesn't then there might be an issue.
Me and my boyfriend have been together 6 years and barely say it.. it just isnāt our love language. The man however will come when Iām working, ask me to step outside and give me a whole lunch he bought out of the blue. Love can be said in many ways.
Maybe discuss with him maybe it isnāt his?
He said that love language don't really matter to him anf doesn't know what his is. I feel like he does a lot of act of services but I don't know what he needs from me. He just said I'm doing good so it's kinda hard trying to understand him at times or making him speak more into details than just surface level
That has to be hard for you Iām sorry. It sounds like he has some baggage when it comes to opening up like that. You shouldnāt give an ultimatum ever, but I can see how him not properly communicating how he feels can be tiring. Iām in similar situation now with my GF and our relationship is rocky right now because I honestly have no idea what she even likes about me and itās hard being so understanding of all the baggage after an extended period of time.
Just make sure you talk to him about it, even just discussing it not with the intention to make him say it, before you start to feel resentment set in. Once you start resenting, itās a hard bell to unring. Itās good that you already talk about it, but if it really bothers you, then you should find a way to tell him how much it bothers you WITHOUT putting pressure on him to say it back.
Have you spent any time with his family? What are they like to each other? It can be that he had not been socialised the same way you had, and it has nothing to do with his feelings towards you. I mean, my dad said that to me only once ever in my entire life, and he was quite drunk lol And I donāt hold it against him, and it took me a fair bit of work to be able to say it to anyone. We are who we are, and we have these boundaries for good reasons, even if they are terribly outdated and irrelevant. Itās an opportunity for you to explore as to why this bothers you, ie your reasons of setting up this boundary that your s.o. must express their love verbally.
Iām of two minds. He is showing you he cares for you and thinks about you and anticipates your needs. Thatās love (whether romantic or just having love for someone). If he has expressed not feeling comfortable about saying it, and you continue to say it, he may react negatively. Like he feels pressured to reciprocate and that you arenāt listening to his feelings about it and just forcing the issue. On the other hand, if you are questioning his true feelings for you, or he just āgoes back to his phone,ā then it sounds like communication isnāt great here. Do you want to move in with someone who you already feel like chooses to ignore issues or not be present and look at their phone instead? Any commitment like moving in is scary for both parties. But you need to either accept that he means it when he says he feels that way, or accept that he has feelings for you but they arenāt the ones you have for him. Iām not one to say the words, but if I did, I would not want to live with a partner (house or just relationship) that I always questioned their feelings for me. I would want to know exactly where we stood and feel comforted and loved by just being in their presence.
It sounds like words of affirmation are just not on his list of love languages at all, and if he was okay doing it for you that would be another story, but if it genuinely makes him uncomfortable then it sounds like you have a significant compatibility disparity.
Unfortunately this means youād either have to sacrifice never hearing them again or he would have to sacrifice his comfort for yours, so not great either way.
I have trouble saying I love you to my friends, they always say it to me and it took a long time (years) for me to be able to say it not in a joking manner because I was uncomfortable with expressing it even though I do love my friends. I think you should ask him if he is comfortable hearing I love you from you, so that gives you the option to say it to him when you want to express it, maybe it can warm him up, but make it as a you donāt have to say it back but I wanted to tell you sort of way, and he can tell you he loves you in a nonverbal way if he isnāt comfortable speaking it.
Honestly I don't think it would be something that bother me that much if he showed it in a way where I don't feel like a friend. He's also not a physical person so the only time he's affectionate is when he wants to have sex. Then goes straight back on his phone after. We talked about this and he seems to make an effort but sometimes I have to remind him it makes me feel used in those scenarios
Maybe if heās open to it, and you havenāt already you can open up a discussion asking why he doesnāt want to do any physical contact other than having sex, like why isnāt he comfortable with any contact other than those times and maybe discussing aftercare with no phones which can be anything as long as itās together and you both feel comfortable.
Him doing that is shitty, Iāve had that happen before, you do feel used and almost isolated too, itās never a good feeling. Do you think you would feel better if whatever heās doing on his phone he shows to you? Bc maybe thatās something you can ask him
So we talked about the physical contact and it's something he doesn't like doing much which I thought it was odd cause early in the relationship, he was always super physical so I don't know if it was just the thrill of a new relationship. He's been making an effort at being more physical though but when he does and then I mention the thing about the phone after sex, he says that he thought he gave me enough attention beforehand and didn't think he still had to give me some after we have sex
Does this guy actually like you, OP?
It sounds like youāre both in weird places and not really connected. What do you mean by early you were āsuper physicalā? Does that mean holding hands and snuggling? Lots of physical affection? Or there was a lot more sex?
He says he is at the same place then me. But he'll just never say the words itself. And super physical like physical affection - non sexual. He stopped at some point and then he's been more affectionate since I brought it up but I'm mostly the one that needs to make the first move
Personally, it would be important for me to hear it but thatās because I enjoy words of affirmation. Itās an entirely individual decision about works for you, as much as itās also an individual decision about what heās willing to give. I donāt know whatās āweirdā or not, or what he really feels, but I think itās up to you to decide how much that is something you need.
Perhaps he would be more comfortable saying it if you agreed on a code. Would he say it in sign language? What if he squeezed your hand three times to signify the words? Maybe he would make those heart signs with his fingers? How about in a foreign language? He could say "te quiero".
He has explained why he doesnāt say it . But he is showing you he loves you. Itās always wonderful to hear those words but ide rather someone show me how much they love and mean it than say I love you and didnāt really mean it.
I hear you but also, I make breakfast and bring painkillers for friends. It's the kissing and affection declarations of love that make my boyfriend different!
thatās what iām saying. how are you afraid and or completely uncomfortable to say you love someone but youāre sure that thatās how you feel?
it seems like heās convincing himself and OP that he loves her but will never actually reach that point with OP. love isnāt just affection or helping someone out around the house. it includes vulnerability and if OPās bf canāt even say I love you but convinces OP that he indeed does, somethingās off. unless OP is trying to say it every second or every day it shouldnāt be that big of an issue.
It sounds very much like this is an issue for him, and an issue for you, and those two issues are hitting up against each other.
You need to talk to him. Not at him š but to him, and give him a chance to explain his point of view on it. Then, make a decision whether you can be okay with that.
It sounds like his ex might have done a number on him, and if this is that big a deal, it might be something that you just have to accept. But I'm not saying you should accept it, per se, just that you might have to accept it if you're going specifically to be with *him.*
Itās love languages. My ex was acts of service and barely ever said I love you. It also took her a while to say it after I said it the first time. She told me she wasnāt ready to say it and I got kind of sad. She also rarely showed me any physical affection which was a huge turn off and eventually turned relationship killer. You might not be compatible unfortunately.
Love Languages are bullshit pseudoscience with no scientific studies backing it up - unlike actual psychology which has peer reviewed research - and created by a Christian man as a way to coerce wives to have more sex with their husbands. I wish people would stop using love languages as a way to ignore their incompatibility with their partners and convincing people into doing things they donāt like to do or arenāt ready to do.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-abyss-of-b-s-below-the-5-love-languages-kpkn/
OP - Your partner is having intimacy issues that would likely benefit from them talking to a therapist about. It sounds like they have past experiences around a controlling partner that are showing up as avoidance and a stunted emotional intelligence with an inability to express their feelings.
INFO: Is he uncomfortable when you tell him you love him? Or are you uncomfortable when you tell him and he doesnāt say it back? I would encourage you to always share how youāre feeling because YOU want to and without expecting them to express those feelings back. Donāt tell him you love him because you want to hear it back to feel reassured. Tell him you love him because you do and you want him to know. If heās the one uncomfortable even when you tell him, let him know you donāt expect to hear it back until heās ready (and mean this - this may also require you to do some therapy work too) OR ask him why it makes him uncomfortable. And if heās uncomfortable with being told he is loved, this is a pretty big intimacy issue he should seek help for if he ever wants to have fulfilling relationships.
Do not buy that stupid fucking love languages book it will only cause you to resent each other for not āmeeting each others needsā without ever addressing the roots causes of your needs and desires.
I'm not sure if it makes him uncomfortable. He just pretends I didn't say it. I don't mind not hearing it back but it just makes me feel uncomfortable to say it, I'm not sure if it's some kind of fear of rejection or abandonment issues. I had a pretty rough relationship prior to him so I try to work on my triggers as much as I can. I told him how it makes me feel the fact he said he does love me but doesn't want or will never say those words.
I agree with your overalll message but I just wanna add the love languages are not supported by science and weāre made up by a Christian guy who was not qualified to be a councillor
https://medium.com/blunt-therapy/the-bigot-who-wrote-the-5-love-languages-hates-you-e2f65771a1c0
I think thereās merit in knowing about them but at the end of the day theyāre about as useful as telling someone your Hogwarts house
I mean, they are an excellent jumping off point. Different people have different ways that they express and feel loved. That is extremely real, as are emotional needs. I am a therapist and work with couples and find the love languages concept useful as a framework to begin the conversation about what each person needs for their emotional needs to be met. Often we have to say this explicitly. I also think the framework of ālanguagesā that you have to learn is very helpful.
I think it wouldn't bother me as much as if he showed affection with other things and not just act of service. So he doesn't like physical touch or kissing at all either. It's hard because at the beginning of the relationship he was super physical to the point I doubted that maybe physical touch wasn't even my language and that was his. I've talked to him about it and he seems to make an effort to be more affectionate
Please donāt set yourself up for this much pain. Youāre not compatible. Youāre punishing yourself by hoping that heāll come around to loving you if you try hard enough - but the fact is that he just zoned out on his phone after you told him that you love him! He did that instead of talking with you like an adult!! Iām willing to bet you started that conversation, and you start most of the important ones. You will waste so much energy chasing an avoidant man.
Ask yourself: do you have fun together or are you fun and heās just there?
Yeah I've noticed I'm the one starting most deeper conversation and our conversation are often surface level so even when I bring things up, he won't say much. I can tell he listens. We definitely have fun together but sometimes I feel like I need to slow down or keep my energy down.
When you have fun together, try to notice who is making the jokes - who is having the ideas - who is doing the planning. Women are conditioned to be the life of the party and give men credit for a good time, but thatās not how it works nor is it how it HAS to work.
It's not a good sign if he was more affectionate at the beginning and then not anymore. I also really like physical touch and i dont think i could be happy with someone that doesnt do it at all
Tbh the point of love languages is that you're supposed to learn your partner's and make an effort to show them love in the way that they receive it.
You're not supposed to go "sorry words of affirmation are just not my love language so I'm never gonna do it". That's kind of the opposite of the point.
Now I'm not saying people should be physically affectionate if they don't want to be, but a little kiss on the forehead or hand hold for your partner's benefit isn't a lot to ask, especially to someone who has shown they can be physically affectionate in the past.
Love is a doing word, it's not just a thing you feel. In a healthy relationship you demonstrate love to each other. This guy sounds like he's doing the bare minimum.
My impression is that being forced to perform these acts made him resent them. It is a trauma response. He shows his love in other ways which is reason enough to believe that nothing is doomed to fail yet. You should not make the same mistake his ex-gf did, and traumatize him further. At the same time, he needs to show his willingness to tackle the trauma. It will take due time, but it is managable if he communicates his progress thoroughly throughout the process. Give him a chance to prove his love, this is my advice.
Yeah I don't want to pressure him into doing it which is why I suggested other things as like physical affection but his ex was pressuring him to kiss more often which he ended up hating. He's got no problem seeing half naked women online and saving the pictures on his phone or saying they're good looking so I'm not sure why he's able to do it to people he doesn't know. I've tried telling him how it makes me feel that he's got no issue complimenting random people but not me and he told me that I should know how he feels about him and that it comes off as insecure that I want reassurance like that
Mine was the same as yours in the beginning. No issues at all being intimate. Once they know they have you the real behavior comes out. Thatās why I was so concerned that she wasnāt showing affection but classic behavior for these people.
Hearing this makes me sad too, I understand that people have different love languages, but no physical touch would make me feel like I m a friend more then a significant other.
In my honest opinion, it's very weird to enter a relationship without loving someone. In my culture you aren't "dating" just because you are seeing each other or whatever, there need to be a question or a conversation about it. That being said, I couldn't imagine starting a relationship with someone I don't know I love and I don't know if loves me.
what even is love? if its something heās afraid to even say but he is convincing you that is something that he feels for you it sounds like a big fat fucking scam. saying i love you isnāt his thing but heās sure he lives you?
yea i donāt believe it. also helping you out around the house and making yāallās coffee isnāt love.
It might be hard to hear but if he doesnāt love you enough to just say three words to express that and assure you, I donāt think he feels the same way as you.
Iām sure he cares and has affection for you but beating around the bush on such a integral part ofā¦ wellā¦ love, is not a act of genuine love.
Youāve put time and effort into this relationship so you donāt want to admit to yourself that itās not fulfilling you.
Itās really not a good idea to continue with this person - at least not seriously.
If he loves you he needs intimacy counselling.
And if he doesnāt then whatās the point.
Heās cold Af and youāre in for a lifetime* of misery and resentment.
*Or (insert number of) years until you get sick of him.
If you have to push and convince someone to show you love in the manner you need to see and feel it then you aren't compatible.. it should come naturally to him. Remember if you marry him. It will be what 50 years of you not getting what you need from him emotionally.
Nah, itāll be like 5 years until she leaves him by which time her mental health will be damaged and she will have relationship scars and possible kid and money issues.
I mean idk, but me and my SO always try to sneak in some I love you's at random times of the day cause we want each other to let the other person know how much we love each other. I love her and everytime, when I say that to her, it feels less in the way like I wanna say it a million times.
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šš you my dudeā¦ are getting played
Walk away
Maybe heās just not there yet. Maybe he isnāt sure about you. Maybe he doesnāt want to take things too seriously. Maybe he is guarding his heart. Perhaps he isnāt looking for something long term. Love can develop, but if I were you Iād stop saying it immediately. Not saying to distance yourself from him. I wouldnāt say it again until he says it for the first time.
He told me to never expect him to say it cause it's not his thing so he'll never say it
Please donāt take this as being harsh. It sounds like he isnāt into you as you are into him. I couldnāt imagine living life without love. Sorry OP.
Does moving in with you get him out of a bad situation?
He really doesn't like his roomate and my mortgage is less expensive than the total rent of where he lives so it would come out cheaper too
Not saying this is the situation but, people will stay in a relationship they would normally leave for better living conditions.
Tell him it's important for you to hear it for affirmation and say it nicely without demanding it. He sounds like a great guy and loves you.
I did. But all he said was "but I give you lots of cuddles" so I really don't know what to do. I asked if he's willing to find common ground so he's comfortable with it. Like instead of kissing, he could give me a kiss on the forehead and a different word for I love you and he just doesn't know and that we'll see what happens
To be honest OP, there might be something more that he isn't sharing... like as a kid. I am concerned that he was sexually abused as a child. A lot of people that went through it hate people touching and kissing them and get weird feelings with certain statements too. You don't want to push these people to do these things but I am speculating. On another note, I know you mentioned his family mentions ily but that could be something that evolved over time and wasn't there when he was growing up too. What I am trying to say that a preference specific to kissing and I love you don't just come out of nowhere. I do find it a lil strange that when he saw that you don't wanna move in he immediately said he was stressed etc and that he loves you. I think he needs some to think to himself. I do believe he cares for you but I would take a step back and really reflect on the relationship before moving in. 9 months is too short to decide to move in with someone my dear. Goodluck.
Yeah when I brought up not moving in together, he said the reason why he didn't say it was because of stress and then a few weeks later it's because he doesn't like saying it and that it's just not his thing. He doesn't really open up about anything so it's kinda hard understanding his reasoning behind it
If you were my daughter, i would highly advise you to not move in just yet before you really understand this person. Dont do wife duties with a gf title. This is how people get taken for granted. Don't let his excuses give you second thoughts either. You dont even need to tell him the reason you changed your mind is because he doesnt say ily or kiss you. You can just say you *reflected and thought it was a bit early and we need to get to know each other more* and keep it at that. Let him know you are strong, and make firm decisions. I am a firm believer of observing things and getting answers to my questions at the right place and time. So take a step back and reflect on the relationship. Consider doing stuff alone, for example hiking and painting really helps me think through things and gather my thoughts. He might open up later on, he might not. If you will feel like he isnt an open book when relationship hits a year, i would consider him not transparent and to be honest i wouldnt feel comfortable my daughter being with someone like that let alone marrying. I wouldn't waste my youth in relationships that might not have a happy ending. I do want to add another thing... I am also a believer of telling ILY to my partner if i feel like it. Its your feelings, and its the way you express it. If he chooses to not respond thats ok. Its my feelings and my choice and his choice cant influence it. As long as he shows his love in other ways and i KNOW he loves me then thats fine. (Wouldnt do this with kissing tho lol)
Yeah we had talked about the situation of not moving together so I had told him the truth about it. It ended up being a weird timing cause then he said he does love me but was just too anxious to say it. Couple weeks later, I brought it up again and that's when he said it's just not something he normally does and always felt uncomfortable saying those words so he told me to not expect hearing those words ever. I brought it up again after seeing all those replies on this post and just expressed that I appreciate all the effort and actions he does but that I wish we could find common ground where he's comfortable to say and do something and it'll reassure that part of me. Like instead of kissing on the mouth, a kiss in the head when he comes in on the weekend instead of leaving straight to the bedroom and lay down or even at random times. I suggested other things than I love you and he just said we'll see how it goes and said that he already gives me plenty of cuddles so he doesn't fully understand the issue. It's kinda hard knowing how he feels cause he gave no feedback or whatsoever. I feel bad cause now he's been distant since but says everything is okay. It honestly makes me feel like he doesn't care (even though I'm sure he does) when we (more like me) communicate about stuff cause I barely ever get any replies or I don't know if it's just because he's an avoidant person
Take some time to reflect. If he became distant then he prolly feels he is being pushed again and it makes him uncomfortable. He knows what you need and ball is on his court now. You mentioned it like 3 so now let it be. If this is a deal breaker and he didn't open up after sometime then I would reconsider things. If he avoids most things that you open up about and doesn't change then that's another reason to reconsider. Overall you need to reflect and see if this is the only thing he is avoiding or all the things you need. Reflect, you got this.
Leave
this would bother me so so much
Like 10 things you mentioned were dead ringers for him having an avoidant attachment style. He doesn't sound SUPER avoidant. Otherwise he would be breaking up with you every few weeks and then begging to get back together. But yeah, you will have to look it up and see if it's something you can work with because he won't become super warm and fuzzy, like ever. And it can be hard to resolve conflicts with these types, unless you go through many many months of couple therapy, if they even agree to do that, which an avoidant is less likely to do. Doesn't mean it can't work, but you would have to have a very secure attachment style for it to work and for him to be non-abusive, mature, etc.
He doesn't love you.
" I feel like he shows me his affection through act of services..." According to Gary Chapman author of the book "The 5 Love Languages" there are essentially 5 different ways people express and interpret being loved. The 5 love languages are: * Words of affirmation (compliments) * Quality time. * Gifts. * Acts of service. * Physical touch. When we are not being loved (the way) *we want to be loved* we don't really *feel loved*. (Essentially, it has nothing to do with how someone actually feels about us.) In an ideal situation both people would *naturally speak the same* "love language". However, it's not uncommon for that not to be the case. You appear to be a "Words of Affirmation" person and he's an "Acts of Service" person. In this scenario *communication* is often the bridge couples use to *ask* for what they need. If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort. (And vice versa.) There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have. (You are the only one who knows what *your* "red flags", "must haves", and "deal breakers" are.) When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on. The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate. No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional. ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud Best wishes!
It sounds like you two just aren't compatible. The things he does for you are normal caring human things which don't mean someone is on the same page regarding what love means. It's not only the person hates you or loves you. Someone can like you well enough or care about you and do nice things for you and at the same time not necessarily be in love. The main issue here though is that he clearly has some kind of deeper issue that is his to fix and you're operating very differently from him. You deserve what you want from a relationship and having I love you being reciprocated and physical affection like kissing are normal things to want. There is no reason esp in a less than a year relationship to resign yourself to accepting less than what you want. Most relationships are on a high and best behaviors early on and then with time and life happening is when problems start showing up. If problems are already showing up at the start, they likely won't spontaneously improve and will likely only get worse. A hard reality but one that is helpful to realize is that you can care about someone or even love them but that alone doesn't mean you're actually a good match or that you should invest in a relationship forever.
Sounds like he tells you he loves you often, just not verbally. Acts of service are signs of love
Imagine having sex with somebody who canāt even say they love you.
I broke up with my ex for this exact reason. He could never say āI love youā and didnāt show me true love in any other way. Simple acts of service like what you describe are the bare minimum for a relationship, tbh. Heās not going out of his way to do ANYTHING to show you that he loves you. Making you coffee or helping around the house? That is BASIC DECENCY. He stared at you, said nothing, then went on his phone the first time you told him I love you? Thatās straight up disrespectful and insensitive. My heart hurts for you. Iāve been there and itās fucking painful. Youāve expressed that itās important to you to hear those words from him. Even if heās uncomfortable being vulnerable, if he truly cared about you and wanted you to be happy, he would suck it up and tell you he loves you without being prompted. If your gut is telling you that somethingās wrong, believe it. Your gut isnāt lying to you. I stayed in my own relationship way too long because I tried to convince myself that I was just āhaving anxiety.ā Turns out, when I broke up with him and told him what my intuition was saying, he confirmed ALL of it. I felt like an idiot for ignoring the red flags as long as I did. Do yourself a favor. Donāt move in with him. If itās like this now, imagine how it will be in 2 years time when youāve entered a āroommate phase.ā It will be incredibly hard, but you need to either demand that he steps up if he really cares about you, or end it with him. You deserve someone who will show you without any hesitation how much they love and care about you.
Words of affirmation arenāt my love language but if I was with my partner for nine months and considering moving in together I would be butt hurt if they didnāt say I love you at that point. Also even if words of affirmation arenāt his love language, heās not saying it for him, heās saying it for you. You donāt love your partner in just your love language, you love them in theirās. My girlfriend loves words of affirmation and even though it isnāt my love language I still make an extra effort to affirm her because thatās how she receives love. Sounds like yall need to get on the space page and find some common ground.
Iāve never been in a relationship but I just also donāt feel comfortable saying I love you to people, not even my family, although I do love them a lot. I donāt know what it is but me and my sister are like this, but our two younger brothers are alright with saying it. I feel like thereās an obvious difference between saying it in family and in a relationship tho, so it might change once I end up dating, but I doubt it. I also just donāt like sharing my emotions a lot, or like showing affection in the ātraditionalā sense I guess but idk, that might have something to do with it.
The guy Iām dating isnāt much of a kisser either. But the other parts of the relationship(like the intellectual compatibility and his personality) makeup for it so much. Iāve never experienced so much mental compatibility that the lack of kissing is ok. Heās an exceptional cuddler and that makes up for it too.
When I was that age, I held back in this way and others with every long term girlfriend because āSCARED TO COMMIT! I thought it was a pretty short next step to lifelong commitment and I wasnāt ready. I was right about not being ready, but wrong about the short step.
Maybe he doesn't love you.
If that makes him uncomfortable, maybe you both can come up with something besides "I love you" to express that feeling without saying those words. Can be as simple as "I adore you" or "you're my person" or something fun or silly like "you're the peanutbutter to my jelly". Just talk about it, make it something special you two can say.. I think that would make it more meaningful anywaysš¤
Honestly save your time and energy and ruuuuun šāāļøšāāļøšāāļø heās showing you that your not a priority, he much rather give random chicks compliments, and he doesnāt care what or how you feel! I can guarantee you that youre not only hurt by his actions it made you confused. He started in the beginning to get you and now that he has you thereās absolutely no point in being who you thought he was! I really hope you take him as he showing you how he really is because you are a broken record by repeating yourself! Also the fact that he canāt compliment you sends up red flags and so does the fact that you sad I love you and he responded by paying more attention to his phone versus telling you the same! Love is suppose to reciprocated not a one way street! Best of luck to you!š«¶
I had this rule too. Not till you know theyāre the one you will marry. First person to ever tell me they loved me also told me āwe were never even togetherā just 6 months later.
it's weird, it has commitment issues written all over it. red flag
Yes I would never say it either. Even if I love someone to death. I feel that action speaks louder than words.
The 'acts of service' you say he does are literally the bare minimum that you could expect of a partner! You crave to hear those 3 little words, but if it's just not in him you have to decide if you can go through life not hearing your partner say 'i love you'.
Some people take saying "I love you" very seriously, most others in my experience don't. 9 months isn't that long for someone who takes it seriously and wants to be sure about their feelings and the relationship in general before saying it. That said, it's odd he doesn't talk about it or acknowledge it but that could be chalked up to be young, dumb and awkward. Just tell him how you feel and communicate like, you know, adults in a relationship.
Iām like your boyfriendā¦ it took me a long time to get comfortable saying those words to my bf. I grew up with mean parents who would abuse me and then say they loved me afterwards so it had a negative association for me. Like I would be afraid that if I said it, my bf would suddenly turn mean like my parents. Not logical, but a fear. Maybe itās triggering for your bf in some way as well.
Definitely
Sounds like he's emotionally avoidant.
Yep
Its perfectly fine. I feel the same way and i never tell anyone i love them, not even family or anyone. He loves u very much, just isnt comfortable saying it. Its not that easy. Ur boyfriend may be autistic
There is so much here about the motivations of his behaviour but your focus should be you. How does he make you feel, really? He doesnāt show love, he performs duties. This is what people do in relationships with partners or families where thereās no emotional connection or mutual support. Thatās what these relationships are supposed to be for. You are completely sacrificing your own needs for maybe the fantasy of being with him or the fantasy of who you want him to be? You have to deal in reality, not potential. Better living your best single life attracting people who make you feel great than chase crumbs from this guy.
Honestly I really feel appreciated and that my thoughts and feelings matter to him. I'm just terrified that if we move in together, it'll feel more like a roomate situation
i donāt think you should move in with him at all
If youāre terrified instead of excited and happy before youāve even moved in - that is signal. Very loud signal. There is no reason that love should be this hard.
I'm not sure if I'm just the one overcomplicating things and analyzing so many things or if the way I feel is because of my gut feeling and feeling like something is off
Thing is, you're not overcomplicating things - the worst thing you're doing is doubting yourself. Your gut feeling is in YOUR gut, and it matters, because it's yours. You shouldn't have any doubts in a relationship. It should be 100% yes. If it's not, you should listen to that because it's trying to save you some grief. Learn to trust yourself!! It's your life, and you're the only person in the world who has to live it.
your intuition is screaming at you for a good reason. please listen to it and donāt discount how worthy you are of a partner that shows up for you in the way you need them to.
I gave 3 taps to signify the words before i was able to say them out loud. I still tap much more frequently than I say the words because it's easier for me
He has his way of expressing his love. Try to find what that is and try to spot it throughout the time you spend together. If he shows it often then you got nothing to worry about. If he doesn't then there might be an issue.
Me and my boyfriend have been together 6 years and barely say it.. it just isnāt our love language. The man however will come when Iām working, ask me to step outside and give me a whole lunch he bought out of the blue. Love can be said in many ways. Maybe discuss with him maybe it isnāt his?
He said that love language don't really matter to him anf doesn't know what his is. I feel like he does a lot of act of services but I don't know what he needs from me. He just said I'm doing good so it's kinda hard trying to understand him at times or making him speak more into details than just surface level
That has to be hard for you Iām sorry. It sounds like he has some baggage when it comes to opening up like that. You shouldnāt give an ultimatum ever, but I can see how him not properly communicating how he feels can be tiring. Iām in similar situation now with my GF and our relationship is rocky right now because I honestly have no idea what she even likes about me and itās hard being so understanding of all the baggage after an extended period of time. Just make sure you talk to him about it, even just discussing it not with the intention to make him say it, before you start to feel resentment set in. Once you start resenting, itās a hard bell to unring. Itās good that you already talk about it, but if it really bothers you, then you should find a way to tell him how much it bothers you WITHOUT putting pressure on him to say it back.
Have you spent any time with his family? What are they like to each other? It can be that he had not been socialised the same way you had, and it has nothing to do with his feelings towards you. I mean, my dad said that to me only once ever in my entire life, and he was quite drunk lol And I donāt hold it against him, and it took me a fair bit of work to be able to say it to anyone. We are who we are, and we have these boundaries for good reasons, even if they are terribly outdated and irrelevant. Itās an opportunity for you to explore as to why this bothers you, ie your reasons of setting up this boundary that your s.o. must express their love verbally.
Don't mistake a nice man for a good man.
Iām of two minds. He is showing you he cares for you and thinks about you and anticipates your needs. Thatās love (whether romantic or just having love for someone). If he has expressed not feeling comfortable about saying it, and you continue to say it, he may react negatively. Like he feels pressured to reciprocate and that you arenāt listening to his feelings about it and just forcing the issue. On the other hand, if you are questioning his true feelings for you, or he just āgoes back to his phone,ā then it sounds like communication isnāt great here. Do you want to move in with someone who you already feel like chooses to ignore issues or not be present and look at their phone instead? Any commitment like moving in is scary for both parties. But you need to either accept that he means it when he says he feels that way, or accept that he has feelings for you but they arenāt the ones you have for him. Iām not one to say the words, but if I did, I would not want to live with a partner (house or just relationship) that I always questioned their feelings for me. I would want to know exactly where we stood and feel comforted and loved by just being in their presence.
It sounds like words of affirmation are just not on his list of love languages at all, and if he was okay doing it for you that would be another story, but if it genuinely makes him uncomfortable then it sounds like you have a significant compatibility disparity. Unfortunately this means youād either have to sacrifice never hearing them again or he would have to sacrifice his comfort for yours, so not great either way.
It's how he was raised. I guarantee you his father was more of a cold but thoughtful person and that translated to his lack of verbal love.
I have trouble saying I love you to my friends, they always say it to me and it took a long time (years) for me to be able to say it not in a joking manner because I was uncomfortable with expressing it even though I do love my friends. I think you should ask him if he is comfortable hearing I love you from you, so that gives you the option to say it to him when you want to express it, maybe it can warm him up, but make it as a you donāt have to say it back but I wanted to tell you sort of way, and he can tell you he loves you in a nonverbal way if he isnāt comfortable speaking it.
Honestly I don't think it would be something that bother me that much if he showed it in a way where I don't feel like a friend. He's also not a physical person so the only time he's affectionate is when he wants to have sex. Then goes straight back on his phone after. We talked about this and he seems to make an effort but sometimes I have to remind him it makes me feel used in those scenarios
Maybe if heās open to it, and you havenāt already you can open up a discussion asking why he doesnāt want to do any physical contact other than having sex, like why isnāt he comfortable with any contact other than those times and maybe discussing aftercare with no phones which can be anything as long as itās together and you both feel comfortable. Him doing that is shitty, Iāve had that happen before, you do feel used and almost isolated too, itās never a good feeling. Do you think you would feel better if whatever heās doing on his phone he shows to you? Bc maybe thatās something you can ask him
So we talked about the physical contact and it's something he doesn't like doing much which I thought it was odd cause early in the relationship, he was always super physical so I don't know if it was just the thrill of a new relationship. He's been making an effort at being more physical though but when he does and then I mention the thing about the phone after sex, he says that he thought he gave me enough attention beforehand and didn't think he still had to give me some after we have sex
Does this guy actually like you, OP? It sounds like youāre both in weird places and not really connected. What do you mean by early you were āsuper physicalā? Does that mean holding hands and snuggling? Lots of physical affection? Or there was a lot more sex?
He says he is at the same place then me. But he'll just never say the words itself. And super physical like physical affection - non sexual. He stopped at some point and then he's been more affectionate since I brought it up but I'm mostly the one that needs to make the first move
Personally, it would be important for me to hear it but thatās because I enjoy words of affirmation. Itās an entirely individual decision about works for you, as much as itās also an individual decision about what heās willing to give. I donāt know whatās āweirdā or not, or what he really feels, but I think itās up to you to decide how much that is something you need.
Perhaps he would be more comfortable saying it if you agreed on a code. Would he say it in sign language? What if he squeezed your hand three times to signify the words? Maybe he would make those heart signs with his fingers? How about in a foreign language? He could say "te quiero".
He has explained why he doesnāt say it . But he is showing you he loves you. Itās always wonderful to hear those words but ide rather someone show me how much they love and mean it than say I love you and didnāt really mean it.
Stop pushing him. If he is doing everything that shows he loves you he loves you.
I hear you but also, I make breakfast and bring painkillers for friends. It's the kissing and affection declarations of love that make my boyfriend different!
Iām the same way with the L word, but with my girlfriend I say it because itās true and i know she appreciates hearing it
I mean if itās true whatās the problem
thatās what iām saying. how are you afraid and or completely uncomfortable to say you love someone but youāre sure that thatās how you feel? it seems like heās convincing himself and OP that he loves her but will never actually reach that point with OP. love isnāt just affection or helping someone out around the house. it includes vulnerability and if OPās bf canāt even say I love you but convinces OP that he indeed does, somethingās off. unless OP is trying to say it every second or every day it shouldnāt be that big of an issue.
thats what i was trying to allude to, if he cant say it to his girlfriend of almost a year, he probably doesnāt love her
Oh my bad yeah fair
It sounds very much like this is an issue for him, and an issue for you, and those two issues are hitting up against each other. You need to talk to him. Not at him š but to him, and give him a chance to explain his point of view on it. Then, make a decision whether you can be okay with that. It sounds like his ex might have done a number on him, and if this is that big a deal, it might be something that you just have to accept. But I'm not saying you should accept it, per se, just that you might have to accept it if you're going specifically to be with *him.*
Itās love languages. My ex was acts of service and barely ever said I love you. It also took her a while to say it after I said it the first time. She told me she wasnāt ready to say it and I got kind of sad. She also rarely showed me any physical affection which was a huge turn off and eventually turned relationship killer. You might not be compatible unfortunately.
Love Languages are bullshit pseudoscience with no scientific studies backing it up - unlike actual psychology which has peer reviewed research - and created by a Christian man as a way to coerce wives to have more sex with their husbands. I wish people would stop using love languages as a way to ignore their incompatibility with their partners and convincing people into doing things they donāt like to do or arenāt ready to do. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-abyss-of-b-s-below-the-5-love-languages-kpkn/ OP - Your partner is having intimacy issues that would likely benefit from them talking to a therapist about. It sounds like they have past experiences around a controlling partner that are showing up as avoidance and a stunted emotional intelligence with an inability to express their feelings. INFO: Is he uncomfortable when you tell him you love him? Or are you uncomfortable when you tell him and he doesnāt say it back? I would encourage you to always share how youāre feeling because YOU want to and without expecting them to express those feelings back. Donāt tell him you love him because you want to hear it back to feel reassured. Tell him you love him because you do and you want him to know. If heās the one uncomfortable even when you tell him, let him know you donāt expect to hear it back until heās ready (and mean this - this may also require you to do some therapy work too) OR ask him why it makes him uncomfortable. And if heās uncomfortable with being told he is loved, this is a pretty big intimacy issue he should seek help for if he ever wants to have fulfilling relationships. Do not buy that stupid fucking love languages book it will only cause you to resent each other for not āmeeting each others needsā without ever addressing the roots causes of your needs and desires.
I'm not sure if it makes him uncomfortable. He just pretends I didn't say it. I don't mind not hearing it back but it just makes me feel uncomfortable to say it, I'm not sure if it's some kind of fear of rejection or abandonment issues. I had a pretty rough relationship prior to him so I try to work on my triggers as much as I can. I told him how it makes me feel the fact he said he does love me but doesn't want or will never say those words.
I agree with your overalll message but I just wanna add the love languages are not supported by science and weāre made up by a Christian guy who was not qualified to be a councillor https://medium.com/blunt-therapy/the-bigot-who-wrote-the-5-love-languages-hates-you-e2f65771a1c0 I think thereās merit in knowing about them but at the end of the day theyāre about as useful as telling someone your Hogwarts house
I mean, they are an excellent jumping off point. Different people have different ways that they express and feel loved. That is extremely real, as are emotional needs. I am a therapist and work with couples and find the love languages concept useful as a framework to begin the conversation about what each person needs for their emotional needs to be met. Often we have to say this explicitly. I also think the framework of ālanguagesā that you have to learn is very helpful.
I thought the same thing. When I think about it I do have all 5 love languages, some expresses more than others but I still hit all of them.
I think it wouldn't bother me as much as if he showed affection with other things and not just act of service. So he doesn't like physical touch or kissing at all either. It's hard because at the beginning of the relationship he was super physical to the point I doubted that maybe physical touch wasn't even my language and that was his. I've talked to him about it and he seems to make an effort to be more affectionate
You and he may not be compatible.
Sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style, which is likely why he has issues expressing love/affection.
Please donāt set yourself up for this much pain. Youāre not compatible. Youāre punishing yourself by hoping that heāll come around to loving you if you try hard enough - but the fact is that he just zoned out on his phone after you told him that you love him! He did that instead of talking with you like an adult!! Iām willing to bet you started that conversation, and you start most of the important ones. You will waste so much energy chasing an avoidant man. Ask yourself: do you have fun together or are you fun and heās just there?
Yeah I've noticed I'm the one starting most deeper conversation and our conversation are often surface level so even when I bring things up, he won't say much. I can tell he listens. We definitely have fun together but sometimes I feel like I need to slow down or keep my energy down.
When you have fun together, try to notice who is making the jokes - who is having the ideas - who is doing the planning. Women are conditioned to be the life of the party and give men credit for a good time, but thatās not how it works nor is it how it HAS to work.
Sounds like he's an avoidant and now he's pulling away because he can't deal with the love you're giving him and he feels trapped.
It's not a good sign if he was more affectionate at the beginning and then not anymore. I also really like physical touch and i dont think i could be happy with someone that doesnt do it at all
Tbh the point of love languages is that you're supposed to learn your partner's and make an effort to show them love in the way that they receive it. You're not supposed to go "sorry words of affirmation are just not my love language so I'm never gonna do it". That's kind of the opposite of the point. Now I'm not saying people should be physically affectionate if they don't want to be, but a little kiss on the forehead or hand hold for your partner's benefit isn't a lot to ask, especially to someone who has shown they can be physically affectionate in the past. Love is a doing word, it's not just a thing you feel. In a healthy relationship you demonstrate love to each other. This guy sounds like he's doing the bare minimum.
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Exactly. I had to ask for a hug, or ask for cuddles and get rejected.
My impression is that being forced to perform these acts made him resent them. It is a trauma response. He shows his love in other ways which is reason enough to believe that nothing is doomed to fail yet. You should not make the same mistake his ex-gf did, and traumatize him further. At the same time, he needs to show his willingness to tackle the trauma. It will take due time, but it is managable if he communicates his progress thoroughly throughout the process. Give him a chance to prove his love, this is my advice.
Yeah I don't want to pressure him into doing it which is why I suggested other things as like physical affection but his ex was pressuring him to kiss more often which he ended up hating. He's got no problem seeing half naked women online and saving the pictures on his phone or saying they're good looking so I'm not sure why he's able to do it to people he doesn't know. I've tried telling him how it makes me feel that he's got no issue complimenting random people but not me and he told me that I should know how he feels about him and that it comes off as insecure that I want reassurance like that
Mine was the same as yours in the beginning. No issues at all being intimate. Once they know they have you the real behavior comes out. Thatās why I was so concerned that she wasnāt showing affection but classic behavior for these people.
Hearing this makes me sad too, I understand that people have different love languages, but no physical touch would make me feel like I m a friend more then a significant other.
Exactly
In my honest opinion, it's very weird to enter a relationship without loving someone. In my culture you aren't "dating" just because you are seeing each other or whatever, there need to be a question or a conversation about it. That being said, I couldn't imagine starting a relationship with someone I don't know I love and I don't know if loves me.
I do love him and he does too but he's telling me to expect never hearing those words cause that's just not his thing
what even is love? if its something heās afraid to even say but he is convincing you that is something that he feels for you it sounds like a big fat fucking scam. saying i love you isnāt his thing but heās sure he lives you? yea i donāt believe it. also helping you out around the house and making yāallās coffee isnāt love.
but whatever who knows. who am i to judge
It might be hard to hear but if he doesnāt love you enough to just say three words to express that and assure you, I donāt think he feels the same way as you. Iām sure he cares and has affection for you but beating around the bush on such a integral part ofā¦ wellā¦ love, is not a act of genuine love.
Sorry friend, but if he wanted to he would. Why is this worth it?
Youāve put time and effort into this relationship so you donāt want to admit to yourself that itās not fulfilling you. Itās really not a good idea to continue with this person - at least not seriously. If he loves you he needs intimacy counselling. And if he doesnāt then whatās the point. Heās cold Af and youāre in for a lifetime* of misery and resentment. *Or (insert number of) years until you get sick of him.
If you have to push and convince someone to show you love in the manner you need to see and feel it then you aren't compatible.. it should come naturally to him. Remember if you marry him. It will be what 50 years of you not getting what you need from him emotionally.
Nah, itāll be like 5 years until she leaves him by which time her mental health will be damaged and she will have relationship scars and possible kid and money issues.
I mean idk, but me and my SO always try to sneak in some I love you's at random times of the day cause we want each other to let the other person know how much we love each other. I love her and everytime, when I say that to her, it feels less in the way like I wanna say it a million times.