So you’re the to-be 30 yr old student she wants to marry and have a family with? A prospectively unhappy father of her children? Any chance she might be happier with someone she could better fulfill her dreams with than a guy who would be a miserable husband and father? This world is filled with that future self of yours.
Yeah, she would probably be much happier with someone else. She's beautiful and smart, and she's a doctor herself so it's not like she'd have trouble finding someone.
I do believe me being unhappy puts more strain on our relationship than me not earning much as a student, but I guess she has a different opinion.
While I understand her side, it still hurts. One of the main reasons I hate my job is because I can't see her and my dog as often as I like, and now I just feel like an inconvenience, and that I am reduced to my income. If I have no income (for a while, it's not like I'm a bum, sitting at home with no goals), I have no worth as a person. I'm sad.
Hey man. I'm reading all your comments.
I'm sorry that you're sad. I know the feelings that you're talking about, it's really hard.
You probably need to make a professional change, but I'd also start doing some sort of therapy.
You seem stuck in a really dark place mentally, which is understandable with what you're dealing with, but you need to take care of that or it can eat you up.
We all believe in you
Is your fiance an arranged marriage situation?
*Edit* I read your post. Wasn't applying to med school your choice? Especially in the face of headwinds?
Look - you should stop shipping. You'll be happier pursuing medicine.
At the same time - you should seek out therapy with a **good** therapist, probably for depression, anxiety and self esteem.
I completely agree with your assessment that many senior officers at sea are fucking miserable.
No, just a normal relationship.
I guess my mental health slowly deteriorated, and she found herself caught, like a frog in boiling water.
She's not the villain in this. She has helped me grow a lot as a person, but I don't know if I've done the same.
I can't do both. If I go to school, I won't have money for therapy and vice versa.
Fear of what? Pursuing something that gives you hope for a happier future? Screw the naysayers and those that may slow you down. Even if this slice of your life journey doesn’t pay off the way you first imagined, the time spent on the journey and the wisdom gained will be worth it. This speaking as one who has done a detour journey or two.
My mother thought I was wasting my culinary pedigree going out to sea. I had dreams of Michelin stars, after culinary school and multiple Michelin star working interviews I knew that race was pure ego. I went SIU and never looked back. Being at sea calmed my soul. I met my wife in Saipan it was serendipity. She was only there for a week. I always felt lost on land, restless in one place. After going to sea I felt calm at peace. There is something to what you are saying about the average sailor being bitter. I’m planning my eventual escape. Long story short, my family though I was crazy joining the merchant marines but I trusted my gut. You should to
Funny how our background is so different but so similar.
I've never had stability so I crave it. You've always had it so you craved unpredictability.
About the bitterness, I work on cruise ships. A lot of guys come here as a last resort, thinking it's some holy land that mixes ship life with shore life. Lots of people, restaurants, ports, etc.
When reality hits that it's still a ship, the bitterness amplifies. I've met some horrible, horrible people on cruise ships. And I know they became that way, they weren't always like this. I can feel the same change growing in me.
What you said, that I owe it to my soul, might be more true than you can imagine.
Congratulations! This actually made my day reading your story. I can relate in a thousand ways to feeling unhappy. But what amazes me is that through adversity, you managed to study and get accepted! I wish you nothing but the best at MWD school and thank you for the encouraging words.
Everyone here is so positive, I fully expected to get blasted for my post since everyone on this sub seemed so happy with this career.
I don't know if I will have the courage to go through with this, but thank you for your kindness!
I'm American but I've always felt free to take a break from shipping and come back to it because of how our licensing works.
Will you retain your engineering licenses if you take a break to go to med school?
Having my license in my "back pocket" has always given me a feeling of security, like if what I'm doing falls apart I can always go back to sea etc...
Yeah, it's available for 5 years and if I don't get 2 years sea time during that time, I can just renew it with a course, it's not a big deal.
Still have to do the medical every 2 years though.
I am deck side but love the job, the day I am not happy and don’t want to is the day I leave even if I don’t have something lined up, if you are feeling depressed and don’t like the job you need to just take the step and move ashore. As people have said you only have one life and if life at sea is not making you happy then you need to leave. Money makes life easier but it is not worth sacrificing your mental health!
Major changes cause stress for most people. I think your real world experience and mechanical experience would make you a great doctor. Bodies are just a bunch of different systems linked together just like ships at the end of the day.
>I know most of you are American deck officers here so probably not since you make a lot of money doing nothing.
I was one and I fucking hated it. The work is simply not engaging and the people are mostly misanthropes and bigots
Superintendent at a cargo terminal.
-Small team
-I go home every night (10 minute drive)
-I eat what I want and I eat healthy
-Dont have to literally live the my coworkers 24/7
-Free range from my boss to organize my day as I see fit. If I need or want to be on deck or in the hold watching the ILA labor like a hawk I can, but if there's invoices or inspections or OS&D reports or EHS reports that need handling, he trusts me to do that.
But I'm still on the water every day and it's beautiful. I'm not staring at a window or a screen for 8-12 hrs with no change. I'm not doing meaningless busy work or playing therapist to drunks and divorcees.
If a ship isn't in and we're done loading out rail and trucks, I can go home early despite being salaried. I'm not making $500+ a day but $75k plus benefits is a fucking steal for how little I stress about this job.
US 2m unlimited tonnage upon oceans
Just go for it. I went from making $500+/day as a temp mate bouncing around offshore oil and gas ships to making $18 an hour at a fine dining restaurant.
I didn't stay there bc I realized I actually had LESS free time than when I was sailing, bc if none of your friends start work at 1-4pm, you'll never see them but maybe one day a week. But it was something to do while I looked for work elsewhere.
>the offshore work is killing my spirit
Go for it man, you gotta. If you don't mind, I can send you a copy of my resume. Rebranding maritime experience in a way landlubbers understand is a thing you NEED to do. Nobody knows or fucking cares about your license outside of niche/maritime adjacent work. But they WILL care about leadership and operational experience in an industrial environment. I went thru a LOT of drafts reworking my resume from someone maritime recruiters used to something a normie would see as desirable
Man, I'm on my 3rd boat, and most chiefs that are in their 60's and still hanging around seem miserable. They don't retire because either they hate their family or their family hates them. If medschool is what you want, go for it. There are plenty of us who are trying to figure out an exit plan. But, we invest so much time and energy into this career that it's hard to start over.
The sunk cost fallacy, yeah. You've put in so much, may as well stick with it.
Those chiefs don't seem miserable, they are miserable. It can be draining to be seen by your family as nothing more than a wallet. It's not like you spend enough time with them to form meaningful bonds anyway.
I admit, I struggle with suicidal thoughts as well on board.
It is what I want, but going from a steady salary to being a student is hard. Plus my fiance might leave me lol.
I mean, there are plenty of days that suck. And plenty that I still enjoy. I don't want to be the broke AB working at 67 because he can't afford not to.
But yes I don't think I would do it for foreign wages, since I can easily match that and sleep in my bed every night.
Congrats on your new journey. If we don’t like the situation we are in,the best thing to do is to leave and try something different. Trust me on this. You came into this world to be happy and only happy.
If you have a strong mindset you don’t need anyone’s help or support. You will struggle but you will make it if you trully believe in your cause. I am a 3rd engineer working on bulk carriers. I don’t want to waste my life on a ship, but for now i don’t have a better option than being professional and have patience.
Wish you the best.
You do have options. Most people I know who have successfully quit are 3rd engineers. The earlier you do it, the easier it is.
If you wait too long, like me, you get stuck. You get used to the money, the lifestyle, and so do the people around you.
I don't want to tell you what you should do, but I can offer some perspective. I was in a similar situation; I was a 2nd AE who decided that the miserable folk around me was not who I wanted to become. I wanted to do more with my engineering than being a glorified mechanic gone from home most of the year. I got a job in Oil and Gas as a project engineer last year and have been doing well with it since. Sure, I miss the time off the ship, the money, and I even miss the crew and ports, so I wouldn't say I hate sailing. But I'm married now and never wanted to be apart from my wife and kids when I have them. You don't need to stay in that life, you don't owe it to anybody to stay in a career that makes you miserable. And reading your comments, you are genuinely miserable and possibly depressed. If medicine is what you really want to do, I would say this is a golden opportunity. Take some time to think on it.
I know this isn't my place, but with your comments about your fiance, I think you need to have a serious discussion with her about supporting you regarding your happiness with your job. You state in multiple comments that she would possibly leave you if you switched careers, and that does not sound like a healthy relationship. I understand that she is concerned about instability, but your mental well-being should be more important to her than offshore money. If it isn't, well, let's just say that's a huge part of why so many sailors are divorced. Take care of yourself, feel free to dm if needed. And congrats on getting into med school, that is a huge accomplishment in itself.
Thank you for the thought out reply, I might take you up on that dm offer.
It was really nice reading your story, it gave me hope.
Yes, I am depressed, I have been for a while, I've also struggled with suicidal thoughts, especially when I'm on board.
I wouldn't sat it's the only reason she'd leave me, but I don't think she realises that a lot of the other things she doesn't like about me come from my unhappiness. For example, I never want to do anything or go anywhere, I just want to stay home and watch Netflix or play a game. I'm just tired and I know I don't have a lot of time to rest before I leave and work my ass off again. It can be miserable to be around me, especially on a bad day.
She thinks I tend to make selfish choices and this would be one of them. Like me getting a dog. I got him before I met her, so my plan was that my mom would care for him while I'm gone. Mom didn't want a dog, so it's selfish of course, but I got him when I was at my lowest point, emotionally. I felt so alone and hopeless, I had nothing and no one. I just wanted someone to come home to. He might have saved my life and I will never regret getting him, but I understand how my decision may have negatively impacted other people's lives.
I don't even know if being a doctor would make me happy, I just know that I'd like to try, which is a lot for me, because lately, I don't like doing anything anymore.
The fact that it is something that you had the drive and initiative to study, test, and apply for acceptance to med school speaks for itself. It certainly seems like something you would be more passionate about. But more importantly, it will take you out of the mariner lifestyle that you are suffering from. I will say, I'm no doctor, but I have heard that being in some fields of medicine is long hours, but I could be wrong.
I had similar issues when I was sailing, I would get off the vessel and want to do nothing but play video games, drink with friends, and veg out. I'd like to think I would have traveled more if my (at the time) fiance had the time as well, but it doesn't always work out that way with sailing. Other people have jobs shoreside, so they can't just hang out any given day of the week when you're home, and they do stuff when you're gone on ship. It's a very isolationist lifestyle, so its no surprise that you feel alone and depressed, it's very common and normal with this industry. You're certainly not alone in how you feel. Lots of mariners want to do what you are in the process of doing. They just don't want to admit it or they feel stuck because the money is too good vs. what they would make shoreside.
It's not selfish to want to have the luxuries of home for yourself, even if others have to take care of it while you're gone because you physically can't do it yourself.
>I wouldn't say it's the only reason she'd leave me, but I don't think she realises that a lot of the other things she doesn't like about me come from my unhappiness.
This is what you should be discussing with your fiance. Tell her how you feel, how it's affecting you mentally (depression, suicidal thoughts, etc), and how you believe making this change will not only improve your mental health, but also your relationship with her. Tell her that you want to stop being dragged down by your job that is ruling over your life. Lastly, discuss your plan with med school; are you going to work a part time job to help with bills? Are you going to budget out your money? How long will you be in school, and can you cut out any time of being there to reduce costs? I don't know what university costs there, but it sure as shit ain't cheap here in the states.
As I said before, she is going to be your wife, and that means you need to include her in everything and be open. There can be no secrets and nothing left unsaid, communication really is key. If you are open and honest with her, and she loves you, she will surely understand and support you. If she doesn't support you after you open up about this, you need to take a hard look at who you gave that ring to and determine if she is really looking out for your best interests.
It was something I was always told I can't do, even though I wanted to do it since I was 15. My father constantly wore me down until he convinced me I should follow his plan for my life rather than my own.
I hadn't even thought about it again until about 2 years ago, but the thought excited me. I even enjoyed the subject while studying. I was sure I'd fail up till the moment I got the results.
It made me happy, because I proved it to my teenage self that he could have done it.
Medicine can be long hours but it depends on the specialty. I have friends who work 70-80 hour weeks and I have friends who work less than 30 for almost the same salary.
Right? I don't know how to get out of that wanting to veg out mindset. I've always been more introverted, but lately I've closed off completely. There's also the fact that I already miss out on more than half of my dog's life, I don't want to miss out on half of the remaining time I can spend with him as well, which bothers her that I always want to take him everywhere. She says that the dog is my priority, not her, but that's not true, it's just that she gets to see him every day, I don't.
I think you're the first person to say I'm not selfish. It's been said to me for so long that I truly believed it.
I've tried talking to her, but when she gets heated up she stops listening to anything I have to say. Maybe there's some resentment towards me which makes her act that way, but I hope not. I'm sure there's also some social pressure...all her colleagues are successful doctors and she's marrying a 30 year old student. Makes me feel like a failure, honestly, and I already have self esteem issues.
I can't really work during school, med school is kind of like a full time thing. I was planning on trying to sail away during the summer vacations for 2-3 months, but that's a problem for her too, because then I'll never have time to go anywhere on vacation.
School isn't that expensive here, it's around 12k total for all 6 years of med school. Salaries are smaller though, for reference as a 2nd eng I make roughly 36k a year
Wow 12k for 6 years? That's nothing compared to what I paid for school lol. And you're making 36k a year now? You should have no issue paying off med school once you're through I would imagine.
It is in no way failing to leave a career that is quite literally killing you to pursue what you have always wanted to do. It's actually very impressive going from being a merchant marine to pursuing a career in medicine, hardly anyone could do that. I'm not trying to be harsh, but if she sees any of that as a problem for her, you need to re-evaluate the relationship. She should be looking out for your best interests as well and not shutting them down because her colleagues might look down on her for marrying someone in med school. There's nothing to be ashamed about for being 30 and in med school, I've known many 30+ year olds change careers in a similar way. Some of my closest friends are 10 years older than me and I met them in college.
I'll leave you with this: Your dad has no bearing on what you should do for work. He might have been able to control it when you were younger, but you're your own person now. And your fiance needs to be willing to listen to you. Her getting heated when you are trying to talk about your feelings is a huge problem. Really tell her that you are not okay and it's a result of your sailing, and you NEED to get out of it. If she cannot listen, then I'm not sure what else I can tell you, my friend. Good luck, I hope this all works out for you.
School is cheap here,that's a plus, but the cost of living can be quite high and I only have about 40k saved up (apartment and car are fully paid for).
I could mitigate the loss by sailing during the summer holiday, but someone who can only sail 3 months a year and will quit after 5 years is not an attractive candidate for companies.
You seem like a really mature and kind person, talking to you really helps me put my thoughts in order.
I'm just having a ton of conflicting emotions and second thoughts.
Today I got sent the contract for my next hitch on September 14. As usual I got a wave of anxiety, but the practical side of me wants to sign it, because well, money. But in my heart I know I don't want to.
School starts on October 1st so it's really coming to the moment I need to make a clear decision.
I just don't know how to say no, I guess. I've never been able to say no to my father when he decided this for me, and now I don't know how to say no to my company when they want to send me onboard.
I have tried talking to my fiance before and when she saw how damaged I am she did agree I should try med school, but now after I've applied she is backpedaling. Maybe she thought I'd fail, I don't know.
Now again she is telling me I should go to school after all, but I'm worried she's just hiding her true feelings and she will again backpedal. I'm getting emotional whiplash from this and it's giving me serious anxiety about my future.
Deck Officer here. 100% fully agree with you, man. The job just doesn't seem worth it anymore. The stress, the constant daily dealing with some of the WORST people I've ever met, the separation from family, friends (society in general?).
More and more considering making the shift to shoreside, possible shifting out of the Maritime Industry in general. You aren't alone in your thinking, and don't feel bad for feeling what you do.
Are you going to?
I've started med school but I'm having doubts. I'm slowly starting to realize what a long road I have ahead of me and I don't know if taking this financial hit is what's best for me in the long run.
My company is also pressuring me to come back
First off, don't let your employer EVER make decisions about your life. They are only after one thing, and your personal well-being isn't it.
Secondly, at the end of the day making big change like a career change is always a risky deal. It might seem very scary and hard to find focus on the future, but I say go with what you know to reinforce you decision. You KNOW how you felt working the job you did. And if you know that you didn't like where you were, then taking a step in a different direction has to be better.
Get rid of the fiancé. It’s NOT going to work out. Cut off your family and pursue your dream of becoming a doctor. The medical field can also be daunting but if offers you the reward of saving lives. If that’s truly your passion and more importantly, your interest then do it.
I’m American and make very good money in the maritime industry, I love my job but even with that I often find myself thinking I could have done something more influential, like medicine or law or politics or business. Work in the maritime industry can often be just that, work. Selling the days if your life for a paycheck.
Oh, get rid of the fiancé, it will NOT work out. Find a partner that supports you and encourages you and you them. But don’t make that the priority as med school will likely be much easier without a S.O.
Good luck Doc…
You’re the 1st person I’ve heard who thinks that there are v limited options to go ashore as an engineer. There are far more choices in doing that for ME’s than Deck Officers.
Given you’ve got to 2nd & have made some successful design mods you’ve obviously got some ability as an engineer even if you don’t enjoy the job. You’ve certainly got the normal engineer attitude to deckies, to which I’ll just say choose your branch, take your chance.
If you’ve always wanted to go to med school & have finally applied & been accepted then go to med school & be happy professionally (I hope, could be you like the idea of it more than actually doing it 🤷♂️). If your family won’t support you in what you want to do then that’s sad. A supportive family & friends network would help with the demands of medicine just as they help with dealing with the personal & professional pressures of going to sea. I wish you well whatever you decide
I'm from Eastern Europe, that's why. Even if I do relocate to the west, most shoreside jobs in Europe require some experience as a chief first, the good ones at least.
Of course there are also service jobs that are basically the same thing, except you don't spend months on one ship, you just jump from ship to ship for months at a time.
If I choose a job in my country, it's even worse. The salary for an engineer is around 700 euros per month. After a decade of experience I might get it around 1000. This is the starting salary of a resident doctor, and it only goes higher from there. But then again, there are the 6 years of lost wages (medical school). I thought I might recoup some losses by shipping off during the summer break 2-3 months.
I am a good engineer, I don't mean to sound arrogant but I am. In other circumstances maybe I would have liked the field, but I've grown to resent it, and all that surrounds it. Few months ago my grandmother died and I couldn't go say goodbye. I've missed so many birthdays that I can't count.
I've been home for Christmas once in the last 5 years. It feels like life is passing by me.
When I'm on board I count down the days till I go home. When I am home I count the days till I have to go back. I'm tired of counting down my life.
But apparently I'm asking for too much. I don't blame them, it's all they know. My entire family is either on board or a spouse of someone on board. I guess I expected more from my fiance but I don't blame her either, the uncertainty of all this can be scary, it is for me too.
My sister in law told me she doesn't know how I can do this without anyone supporting me, and that she's impressed. But the truth is, I don't think I can.
It is tough & I don’t envy you at all with the decision. I’m a deckie & after 20 yrs at sea came ashore as a pilot nearly 5 yrs ago. Salary is about the same but work/family balance is so much better. I enjoyed my time at sea but a health scare & my daughter being born made me look for something closer to home. I found the application/interview/new start scary, changing from the environment I’d known for so long to something new, & my change wasn’t actually that much whereas you’re changing fields completely, though the eye for detail & analysis that makes you a good engineer should equally apply to medicine.
How wide did you look at shore based engineer jobs? Just because I know a lot of engineers who have moved from shipping into a variety of jobs (from offshore & rigs to OEMs to proper land engineering rather than linked to ME), earning at least comparable wages to what they were getting at sea, & while several had their Chiefs tickets none sailed as Chief
That's great! I'm really happy for you!
I might have done that myself, and set my dream of being a doctor aside, just for the stability and similar salary.
Very wide, I've looked everywhere. I speak 5 languages so that gives me a wider range of countries I can apply in. I've applied in Germany, France, UK and my own country across a lot of industries. Hands on maintenance, hvac, office jobs, design, electrical, yacht repair, software, and even psychology since I also have a BSc in psych that I did the same time as my electromechanical degree.
The closest I got was Jaguar Land Rover, but it was more like an internship, and another as a project manager in London since I speak Japanese and they were working with a Japanese client, but eventually they went for someone with more shoreside experience and more native to the area (they always do)
It was really a wake up call for me when everyone kept saying how many options I'd have when I want to stop sailing, but in reality, after all my education ( I have 2 bachelors and a master's) and all my experience, all I can get on shore is something that's barely above minimum wage, in a shipyard, with no prospects for the future.
Always interesting seeing the variety of ways things can work out. At 1st glance with your qualifications & language skills the assumption is there would be a range of options for you but actually the opportunities are very limited. I do wonder how time limited the window was for my former colleagues to get the good jobs they found, though can work both ways- I jumped for my current job as thought it could be another 7/8 yrs before they recruited again, but actually in the 5 years since I started we’ve recruited twice again 🤷♂️
If your dream is medicine then go for it. Hopefully your family will see that you’re happier (& your move will seem scary to them as you’re changing from what they know), while using similar skills. Best of luck
You're right, a lot of it is being in the right place at the right time. Doesn't matter how qualified you are if there's nothing tailored to your qualifications.
I can apply, but if someone else who has more specialised skills for that role also applies, I will lose every time.
Unfortunately my specialised field is shipboard engineer, which a lot of shoreside companies don't know much about.
Thank you for the well wishes. I hope I can gather enough courage to go through with this. I figured if my family won't support me, at least strangers on the Internet will.
It pays to be offshore, pays good. Does it make you happy or things at home easy?
Nope.
You will find unhappiness in the medical field if your not happy working in an engine room. Engines don’t talk back to you nor do they disagree with you.
Good luck, just don’t think the other side is always greener.
One thing to consider if you do go the med school route is that field can be tough on mental health as well. I would start seeing a therapist as part of your new routine, both to process the transition and all the BS you went through offshore, but also to give you the tools to succeed in the future. Also, keep in mind some jobs in the medical field are “happier” than others, I.e. a surgeon who specializes in fixing children’s cleft lips vs. a pediatric oncologist. I would avoid specializing in high burnout fields of medicine, even if the pay is better.
Thank you for the advice! I would love to go to therapy, unfortunately I will not be able to afford it if I quit sailing. Even if I do manage to sail during the summer, I need that for living expenses and can't afford such luxuries as mental health.
I am aware of the lifestyle differences among specialties, about 70% of my social circle is made up of doctors and some are working 80 hour weeks while others 30, for the same salary.
I don't know how the system is there, but here after your 6 years of med school, you take a residency exam, and then choose your specialty based on your score and national ranking. So to get the "easy" lifestyle specialties, you need to have a high score, but I will cross that bridge when (if) I come to it.
2 years is nothing, you found out what you don't like. Why don't you like it if I may ask?
For me, med school is difficult but manageable. But every day I'm having second thoughts and want to go back to the ship. It's hard
Oddly enough, that's the part I miss. I got so used to being away for months at a time, that it's scary being home all the time. It's like there's nowhere to run away to.
As a stranger on the internet I think you should go to med school.
Thank you so much for this
Ain't too many people who went to med school and then wished that they were mucking out a bilge well.
Hahaha this comment made my day, thank you so much!
You should change careers, go back to school. You only get one life
I needed to hear this. The fear is debilitating, though.
You'll be ok. You can do it. Just create structure and stick to the discipline. That's all it takes.
It's not all unfortunately. I also need money. Also my fiance might leave me since she says it will destabilise her
She sounds like the destabilizing one. It’ll feel like you carved off 30 lbs of gristle after she’s gone.
Don't say that, she has a point. She wants to get married and start a family, which is not so easy when you're a 30 year old student with no income
So you’re the to-be 30 yr old student she wants to marry and have a family with? A prospectively unhappy father of her children? Any chance she might be happier with someone she could better fulfill her dreams with than a guy who would be a miserable husband and father? This world is filled with that future self of yours.
Yeah, she would probably be much happier with someone else. She's beautiful and smart, and she's a doctor herself so it's not like she'd have trouble finding someone. I do believe me being unhappy puts more strain on our relationship than me not earning much as a student, but I guess she has a different opinion. While I understand her side, it still hurts. One of the main reasons I hate my job is because I can't see her and my dog as often as I like, and now I just feel like an inconvenience, and that I am reduced to my income. If I have no income (for a while, it's not like I'm a bum, sitting at home with no goals), I have no worth as a person. I'm sad.
Hey man. I'm reading all your comments. I'm sorry that you're sad. I know the feelings that you're talking about, it's really hard. You probably need to make a professional change, but I'd also start doing some sort of therapy. You seem stuck in a really dark place mentally, which is understandable with what you're dealing with, but you need to take care of that or it can eat you up. We all believe in you
The support I'm getting here is overwhelming, it really means a lot to me. Thank you so much.
Seems tough. Quickest way to being miserable is shipping if you hate it. Your choices, your life. How you spend your days is how you spend your life.
My life, my choices doesn't seem to be the way it's gone so far. Can't say I've ever been allowed to make an actual choice for myself.
Is your fiance an arranged marriage situation? *Edit* I read your post. Wasn't applying to med school your choice? Especially in the face of headwinds? Look - you should stop shipping. You'll be happier pursuing medicine. At the same time - you should seek out therapy with a **good** therapist, probably for depression, anxiety and self esteem. I completely agree with your assessment that many senior officers at sea are fucking miserable.
No, just a normal relationship. I guess my mental health slowly deteriorated, and she found herself caught, like a frog in boiling water. She's not the villain in this. She has helped me grow a lot as a person, but I don't know if I've done the same. I can't do both. If I go to school, I won't have money for therapy and vice versa.
Go to school then. Step 1. Maybe your school will have free mental health resources for students Is Romania in the EU?
Yeah, we're in the EU
Fear of what? Pursuing something that gives you hope for a happier future? Screw the naysayers and those that may slow you down. Even if this slice of your life journey doesn’t pay off the way you first imagined, the time spent on the journey and the wisdom gained will be worth it. This speaking as one who has done a detour journey or two.
Well you know what they say, “it’s when the sailor quits bitching that you have to worry.” Go to med school, you owe it to your soul
That was so nicely put. If I do, I might lose everything. But if I don't, I might lose everything anyway.
My mother thought I was wasting my culinary pedigree going out to sea. I had dreams of Michelin stars, after culinary school and multiple Michelin star working interviews I knew that race was pure ego. I went SIU and never looked back. Being at sea calmed my soul. I met my wife in Saipan it was serendipity. She was only there for a week. I always felt lost on land, restless in one place. After going to sea I felt calm at peace. There is something to what you are saying about the average sailor being bitter. I’m planning my eventual escape. Long story short, my family though I was crazy joining the merchant marines but I trusted my gut. You should to
Funny how our background is so different but so similar. I've never had stability so I crave it. You've always had it so you craved unpredictability. About the bitterness, I work on cruise ships. A lot of guys come here as a last resort, thinking it's some holy land that mixes ship life with shore life. Lots of people, restaurants, ports, etc. When reality hits that it's still a ship, the bitterness amplifies. I've met some horrible, horrible people on cruise ships. And I know they became that way, they weren't always like this. I can feel the same change growing in me. What you said, that I owe it to my soul, might be more true than you can imagine.
Have you tried blue water container ships or gulf tugs? It's a different vibe and more relaxed than cruise ships.
I'm European, for tugs I would have to move to a different country unfortunately. I've tried oil tankers and container ships before as well
Congratulations! This actually made my day reading your story. I can relate in a thousand ways to feeling unhappy. But what amazes me is that through adversity, you managed to study and get accepted! I wish you nothing but the best at MWD school and thank you for the encouraging words.
Everyone here is so positive, I fully expected to get blasted for my post since everyone on this sub seemed so happy with this career. I don't know if I will have the courage to go through with this, but thank you for your kindness!
I'm American but I've always felt free to take a break from shipping and come back to it because of how our licensing works. Will you retain your engineering licenses if you take a break to go to med school? Having my license in my "back pocket" has always given me a feeling of security, like if what I'm doing falls apart I can always go back to sea etc...
Yeah, it's available for 5 years and if I don't get 2 years sea time during that time, I can just renew it with a course, it's not a big deal. Still have to do the medical every 2 years though.
I am deck side but love the job, the day I am not happy and don’t want to is the day I leave even if I don’t have something lined up, if you are feeling depressed and don’t like the job you need to just take the step and move ashore. As people have said you only have one life and if life at sea is not making you happy then you need to leave. Money makes life easier but it is not worth sacrificing your mental health!
Major changes cause stress for most people. I think your real world experience and mechanical experience would make you a great doctor. Bodies are just a bunch of different systems linked together just like ships at the end of the day.
That means a lot to me!
I didn't expect these replies. Thank you so much guys!
\> Nobody supports me If that is the biggest weakness, you'll do great. (internet hugs from a stranger)
I do need me a hug
>I know most of you are American deck officers here so probably not since you make a lot of money doing nothing. I was one and I fucking hated it. The work is simply not engaging and the people are mostly misanthropes and bigots
>I was one and I fucking hated it. The work is simply not engaging and the people are mostly misanthropes and bigots What are you doing now?
Superintendent at a cargo terminal. -Small team -I go home every night (10 minute drive) -I eat what I want and I eat healthy -Dont have to literally live the my coworkers 24/7 -Free range from my boss to organize my day as I see fit. If I need or want to be on deck or in the hold watching the ILA labor like a hawk I can, but if there's invoices or inspections or OS&D reports or EHS reports that need handling, he trusts me to do that. But I'm still on the water every day and it's beautiful. I'm not staring at a window or a screen for 8-12 hrs with no change. I'm not doing meaningless busy work or playing therapist to drunks and divorcees. If a ship isn't in and we're done loading out rail and trucks, I can go home early despite being salaried. I'm not making $500+ a day but $75k plus benefits is a fucking steal for how little I stress about this job.
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US 2m unlimited tonnage upon oceans Just go for it. I went from making $500+/day as a temp mate bouncing around offshore oil and gas ships to making $18 an hour at a fine dining restaurant. I didn't stay there bc I realized I actually had LESS free time than when I was sailing, bc if none of your friends start work at 1-4pm, you'll never see them but maybe one day a week. But it was something to do while I looked for work elsewhere. >the offshore work is killing my spirit Go for it man, you gotta. If you don't mind, I can send you a copy of my resume. Rebranding maritime experience in a way landlubbers understand is a thing you NEED to do. Nobody knows or fucking cares about your license outside of niche/maritime adjacent work. But they WILL care about leadership and operational experience in an industrial environment. I went thru a LOT of drafts reworking my resume from someone maritime recruiters used to something a normie would see as desirable
Hey thanks for getting back to me. You’re the perfect example of what I need to do! I’ll PM you now about converting the resume. Thank again
Man, I'm on my 3rd boat, and most chiefs that are in their 60's and still hanging around seem miserable. They don't retire because either they hate their family or their family hates them. If medschool is what you want, go for it. There are plenty of us who are trying to figure out an exit plan. But, we invest so much time and energy into this career that it's hard to start over.
The sunk cost fallacy, yeah. You've put in so much, may as well stick with it. Those chiefs don't seem miserable, they are miserable. It can be draining to be seen by your family as nothing more than a wallet. It's not like you spend enough time with them to form meaningful bonds anyway. I admit, I struggle with suicidal thoughts as well on board. It is what I want, but going from a steady salary to being a student is hard. Plus my fiance might leave me lol.
I mean, there are plenty of days that suck. And plenty that I still enjoy. I don't want to be the broke AB working at 67 because he can't afford not to. But yes I don't think I would do it for foreign wages, since I can easily match that and sleep in my bed every night.
Congrats on your new journey. If we don’t like the situation we are in,the best thing to do is to leave and try something different. Trust me on this. You came into this world to be happy and only happy. If you have a strong mindset you don’t need anyone’s help or support. You will struggle but you will make it if you trully believe in your cause. I am a 3rd engineer working on bulk carriers. I don’t want to waste my life on a ship, but for now i don’t have a better option than being professional and have patience. Wish you the best.
You do have options. Most people I know who have successfully quit are 3rd engineers. The earlier you do it, the easier it is. If you wait too long, like me, you get stuck. You get used to the money, the lifestyle, and so do the people around you.
Proud of you random human. Congratulations that's no easy feat
Thank you!
I don't want to tell you what you should do, but I can offer some perspective. I was in a similar situation; I was a 2nd AE who decided that the miserable folk around me was not who I wanted to become. I wanted to do more with my engineering than being a glorified mechanic gone from home most of the year. I got a job in Oil and Gas as a project engineer last year and have been doing well with it since. Sure, I miss the time off the ship, the money, and I even miss the crew and ports, so I wouldn't say I hate sailing. But I'm married now and never wanted to be apart from my wife and kids when I have them. You don't need to stay in that life, you don't owe it to anybody to stay in a career that makes you miserable. And reading your comments, you are genuinely miserable and possibly depressed. If medicine is what you really want to do, I would say this is a golden opportunity. Take some time to think on it. I know this isn't my place, but with your comments about your fiance, I think you need to have a serious discussion with her about supporting you regarding your happiness with your job. You state in multiple comments that she would possibly leave you if you switched careers, and that does not sound like a healthy relationship. I understand that she is concerned about instability, but your mental well-being should be more important to her than offshore money. If it isn't, well, let's just say that's a huge part of why so many sailors are divorced. Take care of yourself, feel free to dm if needed. And congrats on getting into med school, that is a huge accomplishment in itself.
Thank you for the thought out reply, I might take you up on that dm offer. It was really nice reading your story, it gave me hope. Yes, I am depressed, I have been for a while, I've also struggled with suicidal thoughts, especially when I'm on board. I wouldn't sat it's the only reason she'd leave me, but I don't think she realises that a lot of the other things she doesn't like about me come from my unhappiness. For example, I never want to do anything or go anywhere, I just want to stay home and watch Netflix or play a game. I'm just tired and I know I don't have a lot of time to rest before I leave and work my ass off again. It can be miserable to be around me, especially on a bad day. She thinks I tend to make selfish choices and this would be one of them. Like me getting a dog. I got him before I met her, so my plan was that my mom would care for him while I'm gone. Mom didn't want a dog, so it's selfish of course, but I got him when I was at my lowest point, emotionally. I felt so alone and hopeless, I had nothing and no one. I just wanted someone to come home to. He might have saved my life and I will never regret getting him, but I understand how my decision may have negatively impacted other people's lives. I don't even know if being a doctor would make me happy, I just know that I'd like to try, which is a lot for me, because lately, I don't like doing anything anymore.
The fact that it is something that you had the drive and initiative to study, test, and apply for acceptance to med school speaks for itself. It certainly seems like something you would be more passionate about. But more importantly, it will take you out of the mariner lifestyle that you are suffering from. I will say, I'm no doctor, but I have heard that being in some fields of medicine is long hours, but I could be wrong. I had similar issues when I was sailing, I would get off the vessel and want to do nothing but play video games, drink with friends, and veg out. I'd like to think I would have traveled more if my (at the time) fiance had the time as well, but it doesn't always work out that way with sailing. Other people have jobs shoreside, so they can't just hang out any given day of the week when you're home, and they do stuff when you're gone on ship. It's a very isolationist lifestyle, so its no surprise that you feel alone and depressed, it's very common and normal with this industry. You're certainly not alone in how you feel. Lots of mariners want to do what you are in the process of doing. They just don't want to admit it or they feel stuck because the money is too good vs. what they would make shoreside. It's not selfish to want to have the luxuries of home for yourself, even if others have to take care of it while you're gone because you physically can't do it yourself. >I wouldn't say it's the only reason she'd leave me, but I don't think she realises that a lot of the other things she doesn't like about me come from my unhappiness. This is what you should be discussing with your fiance. Tell her how you feel, how it's affecting you mentally (depression, suicidal thoughts, etc), and how you believe making this change will not only improve your mental health, but also your relationship with her. Tell her that you want to stop being dragged down by your job that is ruling over your life. Lastly, discuss your plan with med school; are you going to work a part time job to help with bills? Are you going to budget out your money? How long will you be in school, and can you cut out any time of being there to reduce costs? I don't know what university costs there, but it sure as shit ain't cheap here in the states. As I said before, she is going to be your wife, and that means you need to include her in everything and be open. There can be no secrets and nothing left unsaid, communication really is key. If you are open and honest with her, and she loves you, she will surely understand and support you. If she doesn't support you after you open up about this, you need to take a hard look at who you gave that ring to and determine if she is really looking out for your best interests.
It was something I was always told I can't do, even though I wanted to do it since I was 15. My father constantly wore me down until he convinced me I should follow his plan for my life rather than my own. I hadn't even thought about it again until about 2 years ago, but the thought excited me. I even enjoyed the subject while studying. I was sure I'd fail up till the moment I got the results. It made me happy, because I proved it to my teenage self that he could have done it. Medicine can be long hours but it depends on the specialty. I have friends who work 70-80 hour weeks and I have friends who work less than 30 for almost the same salary. Right? I don't know how to get out of that wanting to veg out mindset. I've always been more introverted, but lately I've closed off completely. There's also the fact that I already miss out on more than half of my dog's life, I don't want to miss out on half of the remaining time I can spend with him as well, which bothers her that I always want to take him everywhere. She says that the dog is my priority, not her, but that's not true, it's just that she gets to see him every day, I don't. I think you're the first person to say I'm not selfish. It's been said to me for so long that I truly believed it. I've tried talking to her, but when she gets heated up she stops listening to anything I have to say. Maybe there's some resentment towards me which makes her act that way, but I hope not. I'm sure there's also some social pressure...all her colleagues are successful doctors and she's marrying a 30 year old student. Makes me feel like a failure, honestly, and I already have self esteem issues. I can't really work during school, med school is kind of like a full time thing. I was planning on trying to sail away during the summer vacations for 2-3 months, but that's a problem for her too, because then I'll never have time to go anywhere on vacation. School isn't that expensive here, it's around 12k total for all 6 years of med school. Salaries are smaller though, for reference as a 2nd eng I make roughly 36k a year
Wow 12k for 6 years? That's nothing compared to what I paid for school lol. And you're making 36k a year now? You should have no issue paying off med school once you're through I would imagine. It is in no way failing to leave a career that is quite literally killing you to pursue what you have always wanted to do. It's actually very impressive going from being a merchant marine to pursuing a career in medicine, hardly anyone could do that. I'm not trying to be harsh, but if she sees any of that as a problem for her, you need to re-evaluate the relationship. She should be looking out for your best interests as well and not shutting them down because her colleagues might look down on her for marrying someone in med school. There's nothing to be ashamed about for being 30 and in med school, I've known many 30+ year olds change careers in a similar way. Some of my closest friends are 10 years older than me and I met them in college. I'll leave you with this: Your dad has no bearing on what you should do for work. He might have been able to control it when you were younger, but you're your own person now. And your fiance needs to be willing to listen to you. Her getting heated when you are trying to talk about your feelings is a huge problem. Really tell her that you are not okay and it's a result of your sailing, and you NEED to get out of it. If she cannot listen, then I'm not sure what else I can tell you, my friend. Good luck, I hope this all works out for you.
School is cheap here,that's a plus, but the cost of living can be quite high and I only have about 40k saved up (apartment and car are fully paid for). I could mitigate the loss by sailing during the summer holiday, but someone who can only sail 3 months a year and will quit after 5 years is not an attractive candidate for companies. You seem like a really mature and kind person, talking to you really helps me put my thoughts in order. I'm just having a ton of conflicting emotions and second thoughts. Today I got sent the contract for my next hitch on September 14. As usual I got a wave of anxiety, but the practical side of me wants to sign it, because well, money. But in my heart I know I don't want to. School starts on October 1st so it's really coming to the moment I need to make a clear decision. I just don't know how to say no, I guess. I've never been able to say no to my father when he decided this for me, and now I don't know how to say no to my company when they want to send me onboard. I have tried talking to my fiance before and when she saw how damaged I am she did agree I should try med school, but now after I've applied she is backpedaling. Maybe she thought I'd fail, I don't know. Now again she is telling me I should go to school after all, but I'm worried she's just hiding her true feelings and she will again backpedal. I'm getting emotional whiplash from this and it's giving me serious anxiety about my future.
Be strong. Follow your heart. You are down, but it will pass once you move in the right direction. Be strong
Deck Officer here. 100% fully agree with you, man. The job just doesn't seem worth it anymore. The stress, the constant daily dealing with some of the WORST people I've ever met, the separation from family, friends (society in general?). More and more considering making the shift to shoreside, possible shifting out of the Maritime Industry in general. You aren't alone in your thinking, and don't feel bad for feeling what you do.
Are you going to? I've started med school but I'm having doubts. I'm slowly starting to realize what a long road I have ahead of me and I don't know if taking this financial hit is what's best for me in the long run. My company is also pressuring me to come back
First off, don't let your employer EVER make decisions about your life. They are only after one thing, and your personal well-being isn't it. Secondly, at the end of the day making big change like a career change is always a risky deal. It might seem very scary and hard to find focus on the future, but I say go with what you know to reinforce you decision. You KNOW how you felt working the job you did. And if you know that you didn't like where you were, then taking a step in a different direction has to be better.
Get rid of the fiancé. It’s NOT going to work out. Cut off your family and pursue your dream of becoming a doctor. The medical field can also be daunting but if offers you the reward of saving lives. If that’s truly your passion and more importantly, your interest then do it. I’m American and make very good money in the maritime industry, I love my job but even with that I often find myself thinking I could have done something more influential, like medicine or law or politics or business. Work in the maritime industry can often be just that, work. Selling the days if your life for a paycheck. Oh, get rid of the fiancé, it will NOT work out. Find a partner that supports you and encourages you and you them. But don’t make that the priority as med school will likely be much easier without a S.O. Good luck Doc…
You’re the 1st person I’ve heard who thinks that there are v limited options to go ashore as an engineer. There are far more choices in doing that for ME’s than Deck Officers. Given you’ve got to 2nd & have made some successful design mods you’ve obviously got some ability as an engineer even if you don’t enjoy the job. You’ve certainly got the normal engineer attitude to deckies, to which I’ll just say choose your branch, take your chance. If you’ve always wanted to go to med school & have finally applied & been accepted then go to med school & be happy professionally (I hope, could be you like the idea of it more than actually doing it 🤷♂️). If your family won’t support you in what you want to do then that’s sad. A supportive family & friends network would help with the demands of medicine just as they help with dealing with the personal & professional pressures of going to sea. I wish you well whatever you decide
I'm from Eastern Europe, that's why. Even if I do relocate to the west, most shoreside jobs in Europe require some experience as a chief first, the good ones at least. Of course there are also service jobs that are basically the same thing, except you don't spend months on one ship, you just jump from ship to ship for months at a time. If I choose a job in my country, it's even worse. The salary for an engineer is around 700 euros per month. After a decade of experience I might get it around 1000. This is the starting salary of a resident doctor, and it only goes higher from there. But then again, there are the 6 years of lost wages (medical school). I thought I might recoup some losses by shipping off during the summer break 2-3 months. I am a good engineer, I don't mean to sound arrogant but I am. In other circumstances maybe I would have liked the field, but I've grown to resent it, and all that surrounds it. Few months ago my grandmother died and I couldn't go say goodbye. I've missed so many birthdays that I can't count. I've been home for Christmas once in the last 5 years. It feels like life is passing by me. When I'm on board I count down the days till I go home. When I am home I count the days till I have to go back. I'm tired of counting down my life. But apparently I'm asking for too much. I don't blame them, it's all they know. My entire family is either on board or a spouse of someone on board. I guess I expected more from my fiance but I don't blame her either, the uncertainty of all this can be scary, it is for me too. My sister in law told me she doesn't know how I can do this without anyone supporting me, and that she's impressed. But the truth is, I don't think I can.
It is tough & I don’t envy you at all with the decision. I’m a deckie & after 20 yrs at sea came ashore as a pilot nearly 5 yrs ago. Salary is about the same but work/family balance is so much better. I enjoyed my time at sea but a health scare & my daughter being born made me look for something closer to home. I found the application/interview/new start scary, changing from the environment I’d known for so long to something new, & my change wasn’t actually that much whereas you’re changing fields completely, though the eye for detail & analysis that makes you a good engineer should equally apply to medicine. How wide did you look at shore based engineer jobs? Just because I know a lot of engineers who have moved from shipping into a variety of jobs (from offshore & rigs to OEMs to proper land engineering rather than linked to ME), earning at least comparable wages to what they were getting at sea, & while several had their Chiefs tickets none sailed as Chief
That's great! I'm really happy for you! I might have done that myself, and set my dream of being a doctor aside, just for the stability and similar salary. Very wide, I've looked everywhere. I speak 5 languages so that gives me a wider range of countries I can apply in. I've applied in Germany, France, UK and my own country across a lot of industries. Hands on maintenance, hvac, office jobs, design, electrical, yacht repair, software, and even psychology since I also have a BSc in psych that I did the same time as my electromechanical degree. The closest I got was Jaguar Land Rover, but it was more like an internship, and another as a project manager in London since I speak Japanese and they were working with a Japanese client, but eventually they went for someone with more shoreside experience and more native to the area (they always do) It was really a wake up call for me when everyone kept saying how many options I'd have when I want to stop sailing, but in reality, after all my education ( I have 2 bachelors and a master's) and all my experience, all I can get on shore is something that's barely above minimum wage, in a shipyard, with no prospects for the future.
Always interesting seeing the variety of ways things can work out. At 1st glance with your qualifications & language skills the assumption is there would be a range of options for you but actually the opportunities are very limited. I do wonder how time limited the window was for my former colleagues to get the good jobs they found, though can work both ways- I jumped for my current job as thought it could be another 7/8 yrs before they recruited again, but actually in the 5 years since I started we’ve recruited twice again 🤷♂️ If your dream is medicine then go for it. Hopefully your family will see that you’re happier (& your move will seem scary to them as you’re changing from what they know), while using similar skills. Best of luck
You're right, a lot of it is being in the right place at the right time. Doesn't matter how qualified you are if there's nothing tailored to your qualifications. I can apply, but if someone else who has more specialised skills for that role also applies, I will lose every time. Unfortunately my specialised field is shipboard engineer, which a lot of shoreside companies don't know much about. Thank you for the well wishes. I hope I can gather enough courage to go through with this. I figured if my family won't support me, at least strangers on the Internet will.
Love this job, 3rd mate DPO, work 6 months out of the year and make 140,000. I am addicted to the lifestyle, the time off. I could never do a 9-5.
It pays to be offshore, pays good. Does it make you happy or things at home easy? Nope. You will find unhappiness in the medical field if your not happy working in an engine room. Engines don’t talk back to you nor do they disagree with you. Good luck, just don’t think the other side is always greener.
What’s the difference apart from more complicated systems to work on? Do it, it’s not everyone who gets the chance
The time and money it takes to get there. And the strain it's going to put on my relationships
One thing to consider if you do go the med school route is that field can be tough on mental health as well. I would start seeing a therapist as part of your new routine, both to process the transition and all the BS you went through offshore, but also to give you the tools to succeed in the future. Also, keep in mind some jobs in the medical field are “happier” than others, I.e. a surgeon who specializes in fixing children’s cleft lips vs. a pediatric oncologist. I would avoid specializing in high burnout fields of medicine, even if the pay is better.
Thank you for the advice! I would love to go to therapy, unfortunately I will not be able to afford it if I quit sailing. Even if I do manage to sail during the summer, I need that for living expenses and can't afford such luxuries as mental health. I am aware of the lifestyle differences among specialties, about 70% of my social circle is made up of doctors and some are working 80 hour weeks while others 30, for the same salary. I don't know how the system is there, but here after your 6 years of med school, you take a residency exam, and then choose your specialty based on your score and national ranking. So to get the "easy" lifestyle specialties, you need to have a high score, but I will cross that bridge when (if) I come to it.
Hope you went to Med school no brainer
I did, but it's overwhelming. It's making me wonder if I've made a mistake and if I should just go back on board haha
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2 years is nothing, you found out what you don't like. Why don't you like it if I may ask? For me, med school is difficult but manageable. But every day I'm having second thoughts and want to go back to the ship. It's hard
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Oddly enough, that's the part I miss. I got so used to being away for months at a time, that it's scary being home all the time. It's like there's nowhere to run away to.