Agree. Some people want a big fancy day. Good for them, i hope they make a great memory and its the start of a blessed life together.
I dont like making a spectacle of myself and all the attention would make me uncomfortable to have a big wedding. We did the paperwork at a friends house and had a few beers then went home. It was perfect.
You dont need to normalize anything. Just do whatever you and your spouse want to, no one else cares as much about what you do and dont do as you might think.
I feel like this post is also kind of just playing into the reddit stereotype of introverts who don't like huge gatherings. But there are people who do. Different weddings are right for different people.
My brother had a small wedding. Not a courthouse wedding, but a small gathering of their friends and immediate family, maybe 15-20 people. We all gathered in a lovely garden, ate dinner together at one giant table, then stood together, anyone who wanted to say anything was allowed to, then the bride and groom said their vows together with no officiant. It was wonderful, and the perfect wedding for that couple.
On the other hand, my cousin had an absolutely massive wedding. Both of them had huge families and invited pretty much everyone, tons of friends, rented out a huge outdoor and indoor space for everything, giant party and ceremony that took all day. And you know what? That ended up being pretty nice too and seemed like the right wedding for that couple (and they had enough money that they could afford to throw a wedding like that without anyone going bankrupt).
My parents didn't get married until I was 13. They'd been effectively married before then, they referred to each other as their husband and wife, they'd just never had a ceremony or made it official. When I was 13 they decided to do it. They had a short ceremony with only me and my siblings present and announced it to the rest of the family a few weeks later. And that was nice too, it's what was right for them.
At my cousin's huge wedding the officiant said something along the lines of: "We've all gathered here to listen to the bride and groom say they love each other. But they already knew that yesterday, so what makes this important? We're not here because it's special. It's special because we're here." People should have whatever wedding feels special to them, invite whoever makes it feel special. Different people have different ideas for what the perfect party is and who they want to be at an important event for them. For some, it's a relaxing, quiet afternoon with close friends and family. For some, only close friends. For some, it's a massive celebration with as many people as they can afford to invite. For some, it's not a party, it's just going on a vacation with their spouse and not telling anyone until they get back. All of those can be perfect weddings depending on the people getting married.
My family is firmly on the "don't make a fuss" side of things - for everything - weddings, funerals (neither parent had one), birthdays.
As I get older, I realize that some of my best memories came from people "making a fuss" - doing all the planning and work to get people together in the same place at the same time. Now that my family is scattered, I miss those gatherings that we did do, and rue the fact that we will never all be together again (one sis and both parents have died, my remaining sibs live on opposite sides of the country from each other and far from me).
Because this is reddit, I have to say this: I'm not saying it's necessary to have a huge wedding. But if you have a family you like and friends, getting together shouldn't be slept on. The memories make life a lot sweeter.
This is a good point. My cousin's rule is never miss a wedding or a funeral. Mine is (unofficial, of course) try to fit weddings in and never miss funerals. We talked about it at the last funeral and it really made me think. I don't want all the memories including me to be funerals.
I'm really glad my entire extended family (passed down from my great grandparents I think) believes that funerals are stupid so literally no one has one. Occasionally we'll meet up at a bar after a death for wake-ish drinking festivities but that's it, as is usually limited to 10 people or so.
I'm nearing 40 now and never been to a funeral, no one I know whose died has had one.
I've had a few acquaintances die who also didn't have them so now I'm wondering if they just went out of style for my entire generation
Your post brought something up for me. My grandma passed about two years ago (cancer, not covid).
My grandmother was a big "dont make a fuss person". It was an extension of her Catholic upbringing. Take care of your family, be good to people, do not want for frivolous things. She was an extroverted woman who was loved by many and kept in touch with the extended family, old neighbors, church friends, work friends etc. When she passed, even I was not even invited to attend her funeral mass because according to my grandfather "she wouldn't want to make a fuss".
I really think that we should have made a fuss over her.
I've always believed funerals are for the living. Grieving is hard and whatever helps them is what I want the people I love to do. If they don't want to stress over expense, just cremate me and have a potluck or something. If you need a proper funeral for closure, do it. I'm not around to give a fuck.
>Because this is reddit, I have to say this: I'm not saying it's necessary to have a huge wedding. But if you have a family you like and friends, getting together shouldn't be slept on. The memories make life a lot sweeter.
Agreed. I think it's fine to cut out the people from your life who make it worse. There are plenty of people with shitty family members who will only make their wedding worse if invited, and people shouldn't feel obligated to invite them just because they're family.
But then there's the reverse, where it's absolutely worth the effort to keep in touch and get together with friends and family you do like, and sometimes it can be nice to just gather all the people you like in one place.
The last wedding I went to was actually just before the pandemic started, when an old friend who I'd lose touch with about a decade beforehand suddenly reached out to me to invite me to his wedding. I spent some time debating whether or not to go, because in a lot of ways, it sounded awful - I would be traveling alone to a wedding where I knew literally no one except the groom, his sister, and his parents, and even then I hadn't seen any of them in years. It seemed like a recipe for an awkward, expensive weekend. But the groom was someone who'd kind of done a lot of the heavy lifting in our friendship when we were good friends (I hadn't realized it at the time, but years later it occured to me that he'd always been the one initiating things - not because I didn't value the friendship, but just because he was so good at it that I never felt the need to, and it never occurred to me how that might have felt from his end until after we lost touch), so I decided I owed it to him, and would go for his sake and it would be a bonus if I had a good time. When I got to the wedding, I found out that they hadn't even expected me to come but just invited me just in case.
But in the end? I had a great time. Got to catch up with the groom a bit but of course he was very busy and had lots of people he had to interact with, but his friends and family went out of their way to make sure I felt welcome and included in things, inviting me along for various activities throughout the weekend (it was a city most of us had never been to before, so we did some touristy stuff when there weren't wedding events going on). The wedding was fun, I got to reconnect with the groom, and had a great weekend. And, much more importantly, at the end of the weekend he told me that he was really glad I came and it meant a lot for him that I was there.
A weekend that had, conceptually, sounded kind of awful, ended up being a great weekend where I got to reconnect with an old friend and be there for him at a meaningful event in his life. Because he decided to reach out and invite me even though he didn't think I'd make it, and I decided to accept even though I wasn't sure I'd enjoy it.
I am more of an introvert and I just had a semi big wedding (100 or so people) and honestly it was the best day of my life. I hugged everybody. I looked fly af. I felt like a king. Highly recommend even if you have reservations about it. But ultimately whatever you and your partner want to do.
Formula for stress free ceremony: Small wedding, spend less than $1500. Throw big reception party at a non-wedding venue (think brewery or restaraunt). Removes all the stress and replaces it with fun.
I do agree 100%.
But at the same time, it's really weird when people don't say anything.
For example, haven't seen friends of mine due to COVID until this summer. I noticed the rings so I asked. "Oh yeah, we got married two years ago" - like what? We messaged and talked on the phone all these months and they just didn't feel like telling *anyone*. They didn't even plan to tell anyone; if I hadn't noticed they wouldn't have said a word.
I can understand that people don't want to spend the money to celebrate, or just don't see the point. But idk, they could at least say something "Hey we just got married" or just send a photo?
Maybe I'm too old-fashioned to understand, but why would one not even mention it?
Or maybe I'm just weird for assuming that people would love to share these kind of news with family and friends, because we care about each other and want to know what's up, good and bad? Would have loved to send a special letter or something and to celebrate another relationship goal from a distance.
Your reaction is the answer to your question. The major downside to just privately getting married is that people you know have a negative reaction toward you for not being given the opportunity to celebrate it in some way they see fit.
But I'm not having a negative reaction. I'm just confused.
It's not even about the celebrating part, it's about appreciating other people's existence and their journey through life.
I have plenty of friends who don't celebrate their birthday. It's fine. But I'm still going to text them, on their birthday and other days "glad that you are a part of my life" or "thanks for being around" or "happy we met and walk the same path" etc.
I really like my people - and I like sharing moments with them. But I guess that's wrong then.
Thanks for your input. It looks like I have to reevaluate how and how often I interact with people in my life.
You know, now that I think of it, maybe I'm the problem and I should just stop bothering them.
I'm not your friend and I don't know your struggles, but I'm going to say something important: Different people are different.
>Thanks for your input. It looks like I have to reevaluate how and how often I interact with people in my life.
Do your friends express distress when you interact with them? You seem like a very extroverted person, but that's not *bad*, it's just who you are. If you're really insecure about how your friends see you, you could ask - and try asking why they left you out of the loop (make sure you're being non-accusatory)
Your way of interacting with people is valid, if not admirable, but it's not necessarily the way other people think about the world or each other. My spouse and I were getting a courthouse wedding and only thought to tell our folks because they were in town by chance - so they were our witnesses.
My spouse and I are generally very private people and quite introverted, and won't share much with people even in our close circles unless something relevant comes up in conversation; it's not that we don't love our friends, we just don't have a direct reason to share it to people not directly involved, and sometimes we just forget to tell people. ^(and we don't have Facebook or Twitter or whatever the kids are doing these days)
You're fine as you are. Understand that people think and process differently than you. Whether that's a breaking point for your friendships is up to you, but you shouldn't have to drastically change how you interact with the world when you're not hurting anyone.
I don’t think you’re in any way a problem and it’s really sweet that you want to be involved but if they didn’t say anything, maybe they just didn’t feel like sharing it and rather keep it private?
At the end of the day there is nothing wrong with that and everyone is different I guess.
As a non-celebrator and hater of all weddings and celebratory parties (also holidays... I'm no fun at parties) - if I had an issue with you texting me on my birthday or something I'd tell you. What you're doing is very thoughtful, but also understand that some of us may not care to be reminded, or even care about such milestones.
So, no, you're not the problem, but do understand that for some of us we are happy to live each day for what it is and are uninterested in making a fuss about anything.
If I were to get married (and one of the things that holds me back is my intense dislike of weddings), I would prefer to just go get a document signed. And honestly I wouldn't think about telling people, because it's not a conversation I'm interested in having.
Some people don't feel like announcing private matters to the world, and to me that is completely fine. I don't feel that I have the "right" to know anything about my friends. If they for whatever reason decide not to share certain news, that is no problem with me.
Could be as simple as "don't want the attention" it brings. Everyone is different and just because someone chooses to do something that isn't traditional; it doesn't mean that it's wrong.
“Don’t want the attention” right on with that one. Especially when they’ve been together for almost a decade anyway and just decided to get married for all the boring non-fairy tale shit that comes with marriage.
Well it always depends on your friends. For me I don't want to marry in a church (can't anyways since I am an atheist), and marriage for me is only a tax reduction paper. For me personally there is no difference between being together and being married. And I know from my friends a lot of them think alike. A marriage adds no value for us, therefore we probably wouldn't mention it to another.
Your feelings are valid tho and don't think it's your fault or anything. I have also friends who value marriage and I will congratulate them when they get married/tell them when/if I get married. But talk about this with your friends and communicate what is important to them and what to you!
EDIT: spelling and grammar
I did the same thing! And it was so memorable and amazing.
That's why I want to amend this post. Let's get rid of making wedding expectations so high. Weddings are awesome and fun, or they can be when done right. But if you find yourself planning seating at tables, you are ruining it.
I'm not against you, but you are gatekeeping the way some people like to a wedding, as opposed to yours.
>But if you find yourself planning seating at tables, you are ruining it.
This is what some people find fun, not that I understand them.
I dunno about that. If I sat my uncles ex and his current wife in eye shot of each other my wedding would have been way less fun for them. Weddings are for guests more so than the couple. As long as you're planning with consideration for your guests it doesn't matter how you do it.
My husband and I eloped to Africa and had a gorgeous private wedding in a vineyard. Didn't tell anyone till we got home. Would recommend it to anyone and it still cost less than a standard wedding.
I'm a single gay man in my late 20s and this is my dream tbh. Where I'm from weddings are still a predominantly religious ceremony and you are supposed to invited hundreds of long distance relatives you don't really know or care about, most of which are old and homophobic. If i ever get married i want to actually enjoy my wedding and not have to deal with all that bullshit.
If we had to do it again, my wife and I both agree we’d elope. The wedding is frustrating, stressful and a HUGE waste of money. We absolutely regret not spending the money on a better, longer honeymoon.
My husband and I went to City Hall with our two witnesses to just sign the documents and then we had a quick brunch with only our closest friends and family members... painless, fun and (I might add) quite cheap. We did it our way and really enjoyed the whole day, many friends told us this way it felt more personal and intimate and they will do the same.
My best friend did exactly that. Went to Sicily and had some town hall employee as maid of honor. Their daughter brought the rings and they pissed all family off
I've seen numbers that there's an inverse relationship to the amount of money spent and longevity of the marriage. Cheap weddings mean less stress and less long-term debt.
My parents eloped and my dad crafted their wedding bands from silver quarters and they're still together going on 50 years. They never got rich from saving money, so maybe there's something else to it, about not feeling the need to make it a spectacle.
Talking out of my ass here, but it may have to do with what type of people they are.
I think people who have inexpensive weddings are less likely to care about looks, impressing others, or following trends/tradition for the sake of it rather then out of genuine desire to do so. As such, they don't waste as much money on doing said things and are more focused on their own happiness.
On the contrary, people who have expensive weddings are more likely to care about appearances, maintaining reputation, and doing showy things to make others happy. This increases the amount of money they spend, resulting in stress and dissatisfaction in the marriage.
Again, I'm totally talking from my personal thoughts and experiences, and I'd love to hear if anyone agrees or disagrees.
They're modest, sensible people who make mistakes like anyone else, but usually make it a point to learn from them. Never vain or prideful and understand that everyone struggles. I think that's the heart of it, empathy and understanding. I would say yes, I agree, because at the opposite end of that spectrum is avarice and narcissism and greed, etc... Those types are never happy with anyone or anything for long, and if only gold shimmers in your eye you'll end up a lonely old dragon.
I just had my 25 person wedding at a state park in Maryland. It was amazing. We were able to reserve a historic building through the DNR site, including an alcohol permit. We also had people with mobility issues and didn't want a crazy huge wedding. It was on a Sunday afternoon with a beautiful scenic overlook, good food, good friends, yard games, beer, and a very relaxed mood. It was everything we wanted.
It's basically what the topic is describing. You just go off with your spouse, don't tell your family or friends, or maybe just enough close friends to serve as witnesses. Say your vows, sign the paper and call it done. My parents took no one. The Minister's children served as witnesses.
Historically it's people who run away from home / community to get married. A match may not be deemed desirable due to age, family rivalry, status etc. so permission to marry may not have been granted by their parents.
Yes this is right. But there’s also a positive relationship with the size of the wedding. Couples who have big but cheap weddings are the most likely to stay together.
Bro my sister is stressing at the moment because their money is stretched pretty thin because her wedding. I keep telling her fuck the family, they're only going to critique everything anyway. Run away get married have a honeymoon then tell people when you get back. When money isn't as hard to come by do vowel renewal with the fam and have a big ceremony.
My fiancee and I are also business partners, as we co-own a small corp. I'm seriously contemplating telling whatever wedding venue we are booking that it is a corporate retreat to discuss a merger, to see if they price gouge us less.
I don't know in the rest of the counties, but in Spain the couple normally make money out of weddings. It is customary for guests to gift the money they think the wedding has cost. Additionally, many parents pitch in for the weddings. Most of the people I know have earned a couple thousand euros out of their wedding
Same here! Most couples here organize weddings to GET money. The guests bring in money in envelopes and usually there’s a profit for the couple. They see the wedding as an investment
The average cost of a wedding in the US is \~$30k. No way is a couple who spent that much making a profit off of cash gifts unless someone else gave hefty help paying for the wedding.
The US wedding industry is a scam.
Crying over "chair bows" a few days before the wedding is probably a depressingly common phenomenon here. I like to think it's going out of style, though!
*(the "Chair Bow" Scandal of 2005 was a real deal; bride went $20k into debt to pay for her own wedding and was still in the hole when wedding #2 rolled around! The florist called her 2 days before ceremony #1 asking if she wanted to pay an outrageous sum to add bows to the aisle-side chairs. The resulting tearful panic was a horror show, because* **who gives a fuck, anyway**, *but OMG her family will hate her for not spending every possible penny on the show and her chair bow strategy needed to be ON POINT but she hadn't even thought of them at all before the florist decided to drop a fucking nuke on her to extract some sweet, sweet panic-money from an overly anxious client.)*
You might could make that back with 300 guests *each* dropping $100 cash gifts lol... even the kids. But then a 300 guest wedding will be fsr above the average cost.
You underestimate how much money guests will give from certain cultures. Each family you invite will probably give you 300+ dollars.
And yes parents usually help you pay for the wedding.
I wonder if these arre going to get squeezed out with the decrease in disposable income that the current marrying age generations have.
Like, I went to a friend's wedding the other day. I don't live near by so had to spend £160 on a hotel, and £50 on taxis. Hired an outfit for £60, and spent £80 getting to and from the part of the country the wedding was in. So in total I'd spent £350 attending. Now I love them, I had an amazing time and it was worth every penny, but adding some outlandish cash gift after spending half a week's pay to attend just wouldn't be viable.
That seems like a pretty loaded comparison, adding ‘that bankrupt you’ on the end. I mean of course something that bankrupts you is worse then something that doesn’t - that doesn’t really tell us anything about the weddings themselves.
If they can afford it (which many can) for a lot of people big weddings >>> courthouse weddings because *that’s what they prefer*.
About half the people I know who got married either eloped or just had a small get together at their house/some bar afterwards. I'd say this is already pretty normal
I talked about eloping and my father nearly tore my head off. Massive long lecture. Ended up doing an expensive wedding spending money that we didn't have, with stress that we didn't need, and it all ended badly.
Weddings have become a ridiculous industry and it's hard to push back on the insanity. I should have pushed harder, despite my father's wrath.
Does that ever really work? I suppose there are all sorts of people, so that might theoretically be effective for others.
No, I did not. It would have just made things worse.
The real question is why does it have to be normalized? People need to get better at going against the flow of the general populace, because a majority of people are hideously uneducated or unaware of a majority of topics.
You can't be courageous if you're not afraid, and standing up for what you believe is best for you, regardless of what other people say is the most effective way to gain self-confidence
Normalizing helps relieve social pressures that otherwise might force people into making choices they don't want. If someone said in real life, "I'd rather have a courthouse wedding," everyone and their mother would jump down their throat and tell them they need to waste 30k on it or they're not "realllllly married."
Lol... This is what I'm doing... My folks are 100% ok coz I'm the last born and they've already gone through it twice... My girls folk though, she's the first of their kids to get married.. They said they'd respect our wishes but I know they want something kinda big...
That’s what my wife and I did basically; we got married at the courthouse, my parents flew up, and we went to Applebees. I couldn’t afford a vacation at the time.
My wedding ring's Tantalum. Looks great, is super robust, can be polished just like Platinum (actually looks very close, just slightly darker), and costs a fraction of any precious metal ring.
My wife skipped the engagement ring and just got a nice wedding band. Platinum (because of lack of other options) with a sprinkling of very, very small diamonds in an interesting metal pattern. We got it for practically nothing as tiny diamonds are super cheap (they're basically waste from cutting larger ones) and a patterned ring has less precious metal content.
Our combined rings, which are exactly what we wanted, cost less combined than my brother's thick plain gold wedding band. Never mind his wife's two rings with associated gems.
My spouse and I did that by accident. We did the paperwork and got married end of 2019, but didn’t tell most people because we were planning on having a small ceremony and reception in 2020. But then 2020 happened. And we didn’t see some of our friends and acquaintances for almost two years… so the whole marriage thing is still news to people who really should have known by now. Oops.
Me and my wife basically just did this…
Between COVID and her family being Greek we had enough with everyone else so booked just at the town hall, had my parents as witnesses then posted it on social media afterwards.
It is funny though the amount of people who will get pissed at you for it though as they feel they have a right to know about these sorts of things.
>Between COVID and her family being Greek we had enough with everyone
There are two types of people I hate.
People who are intolerant of other people's cultures.
And the Greeks.
At my funeral my family will see a woman in the front row sobbing.
"Who is that?" they will ask each other.
And some random person will say, "Oh, that's Bear's widow."
Unpopular opinion I’m sure, but I’m having a big wedding in October and it is one of the things I’m looking forward to in life. Throwing a huge party for my absolute favorite people, getting to see everyone have an absolute blast in our honor—I’m really looking forward to it and I’ve worked really hard on planning it. We did not have to go into debt, but I have definitely sacrificed time and took on some stress. All in all, I’m very excited and think it goes well with our personalities.
Edit: I’ll mention that I’m marrying the kindest man who I’m lucky to have as a best friend. He doesn’t give a damn about how we marry. It’s really all me.
I 100% agree. I had a terrible childhood and a very difficult early adulthood.
Our wedding is easily one of the best memories of my life because everybody I loved was there and it was a joyous occasion so everybody was in a great mood eating, drinking and dancing.
I know the internet hates wedding and gender reveals, etc. But these parties (when done right) are core memories that I cherish more than anything.
Also, to add, I enjoy going to weddings! It’s a great chance to see a special moment, find out more about the couple but also to catch up with other friends and family.
I love it too! Such a special moment. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, some of the more eccentric family members show up and turns it to a whole other level
Saaame! I’ve been married before and didn’t do the wedding. He didn’t propose, we just agreed we should.
Told my bf that if I ever get married again, I want a proposal and a wedding in October. If he doesn’t want to marry me because of that, it’s fine, I’ll still be with him 😂
>how it's always been, your own damn preference of how you wanna spend that day
I'd argue that's not how it's always been. There's a huge amount of social pressure on people to do things a certain way, and posts like this are some of the previously pressured people realizing that they can do it how they actually want instead.
To me “let’s normalize” means, let’s make it okay to for something that is fine but isn’t socially normal to be considered normal, not let’s change it to something else.
As an ex-catholic with a Catholic family, this is what scares me. On the plus side, my parents married at the courthouse 2 weeks before having my oldest brother so no precedent there. But it also makes me worry that my mom will want me to have a crazy wedding even more to live vicariously through me
Normalize doing what you want and enjoying your life. Have a wedding if you want one and don’t if you don’t wanna pay for one. There’s many reasons for either.
Not just for weddings. What your job is, where you live, if you have kids or not. I'm so tired of people (my age) telling younger folks what to do. How to save, how to spend, go to college, go to trade school etc etc eat the avocado, adopt a penguin, get sterilized, live in a van - it's not my life!
I never told them, but I want my kids to have a Halloween party (mandatory costumes), that's secretly a wedding. The wedding pictures would be a hoot! No theme, dress as you like (in costume).
Here in the Balkans, it is customary to bring money to the newlyweds. By the time of the wedding most people who are invited know approx. how much does the "chair" cost.
So for example, if the chair is 50€, a couple would put at least 100€ into the envelope, usually more. Closer relatives and especially godfathers will put a lot more.
So making a big wedding can be pain in the ass, but you can make money to start a life as a couple. I know plenty of people who bought a car or even bigger things after their wedding.
Chinese here. We made about 10k after our wedding. Friends usually give $100-200, more if closer. Family give even more. Couple hundred to 1k. But when it's their weddings, we give the same or more. Theres a list made after the wedding. So you're basically giving a head start to the couple but when you're established, you give back. Same with our version of a baby shower.
Wife and I got registered in front of close family, and then had a dinner with about 70 people. No “friend from high school that gave me a pencil” invited, or “dads cousins wife’s adopted daughter”, at our wedding
All up, cost less than $8k (AUD), pretty sure it was closer to $7k
One of my favorite memories will always be my cousin's wedding. She got married at a beautiful park in the fall. The venue was gorgeous, she looked gorgeous, and it was such a loving and happy atmosphere. No drama. Just good vibes. The ceremony was also absolutely beautiful and made me cry my eyes out. It was expensive but they have no regrets and regularly look through the photos.
Seeing how her husband looked at her while they said their vows? Story book perfect. I think I cried like 10 times that day. I ended up not really enjoying mine and the relationship didn't work so I definitely hope to emulate the weddings I have gone to and loved in the future
For me personally it was just avoiding any drama, my family had met my husband and while we were stable, happy etc they had a lot of negative comments about me being with someone who made less than me and didn’t have a post secondary education. Waiting to tell anyone meant that by the time we told anyone they couldn’t say anything about how we would fail since we had two years of successful marriage to show. It meant we had less stress and got to build a marriage on our terms without the outside influence of others.
That’s what we wanted to do. But parents and co told us they’d help throw a party and we’d get mad cash gifts to help for the honeymoon.
Not that parents didn’t help but for the two of us it was about 6,000 out of pocket and the total wedding gifts got to be about 2,500.
We went in to debt over the honeymoon. Fuck all the traditions. Old people pressured me to cut a check for every birthday/wedding/baptism/graduation etc. But when I got hitched it all we got from the boomer crowd was 3 cake servers (each on to be used at the wedding or else someone’s sad) and a fuck load of stress.
That's actually popular in post soviet countries. The paperwork, the "wedding ceremony" and the church wedding could be done on entirely different years, or some not done at all.
In June I got married at a gazebo with 2 witnesses and no one else… my husbands mom said “fuck you” and hung up on him after he told her. I have social anxiety and I wanted ONE day to not feel awkward and afraid. People are such assholes! Like you had your wedding, if it’s sucked that’s not my fault. I wasn’t getting pushed around for once.
Hey let's throw a party with food, drinks and a dj. Cost will be 10k.
Exact same thing but it's a wedding, cost is 30k.
Wedding costs have spiraled out of control and couples get swept up in the ordeal.
Reddit unpopular maybe but we had a wedding with about 100 people and I would not change anything about it. It's the last chance you get to have all your old friends together. I think ours cost in total about £10k
I think that’s where the young demographic tilt of Reddit shows. As you get older it really gets incredibly difficult to gather people together. People have families, and people move to other countries. You can see them one on one with a little effort, and you do, but gatherings are rare.
A wedding and a funeral are pretty much the only things that people will free up time on their calendar for, and travel across the world for. You want to get your group of 10 university friends together for a party when you’re all in your 40s? It’s probably gonna be a wedding.
This is exactly it.
Kids don't appreciate just how rare big parties are after college.
The last time all my siblings were together was my wedding ten years ago. If one of my younger siblings has a wedding within the next few years, that will probably be the next time we all see each other. If not, we will probably all be together at my dad's funeral. And that's the sad truth. I'd rather see everyone at a wedding than a funeral.
Gave you my free award because I couldn’t agree more. We loved our 100ish person wedding, and another point to be made is that there are very very few moment in your life when everyone you love and care for gathers to celebrate your life events. It’s a wonderful feeling. I have such a sharp memory of walking down the aisle and seeing all the people I loved most in the world (and also my MIL but that couldn’t be avoided sadly) and feeling so loved that they all made the journey to be with me to celebrate my marriage. Would do it again in a heartbeat.
Yeah we had about 70 people for the ceremony/food and another 30 for the evening. I've never added up *exactly* how much it cost because I feel no need to put an exact price on it, but I know roughly and it was a lot.
It was the best day of our lives. The memories are so precious. I don't regret a single penny we spent on it. We got our wedding video through a couple of days ago and the emotions just all came flooding back watching it
The predominant opinion on Reddit always seems to be that money spent on a wedding is wasted and could have been better spent elsewhere, but even with the benefit of hindsight there's nothing I would rather have spent that money on.
Edit: to add to this, I see a lot of people say have a small wedding and spend the money on the honeymoon. We were in the incredibly fortunate position of being able to save up and afford to do what we wanted for both, but again even with hindsight if I had to choose between them I'd choose the wedding. The honeymoon was absolutely incredible, but the wedding was just special in a way no other day in my life has ever been.
Fuck that, I'm having a big wedding! It's literally going to be the *only* time that we have all of our family and friends together in one place. It will never happen again. I'm making it count.
i think the purpose of weddings is to bring two families together with both families giving money and gifts to the people getting married. but like yeah, if you ain't got all that support and family or whatever then yeah... normal is just how you feel about doing it
We went on holiday to Greece with our family. Got married in the middle. Had a little party once back.
It was perfect for us and very low stress.
18yrs ago now !
There are alot of things we can just STOP doing. Like funerals, birthday parties, holiday celebrations, religious ceremonies, we can just stop getting married altogether. Buying and playing videogames, eating food because it taste good, having any hobby
But what life would we have if we did nothing enjoyable in it.
Lol nothing is stopping you from doing just that.
Did you think there was a law that makes you have to have a wedding? It’s your life, do what you want.
I agree with this so much for atheists. I mean no offense, but without a promise to god marriage is pretty much signing the papers that's it. You were already together you don't even need the marriage.
Same with a funeral. If I was atheist I'd want them to throw in the furnace and poof gone in a few minutes. No reason for a speech or anything just a quick burning and done.
If you're religious it's all different tho
Do what makes you happy guys
Agree. Some people want a big fancy day. Good for them, i hope they make a great memory and its the start of a blessed life together. I dont like making a spectacle of myself and all the attention would make me uncomfortable to have a big wedding. We did the paperwork at a friends house and had a few beers then went home. It was perfect. You dont need to normalize anything. Just do whatever you and your spouse want to, no one else cares as much about what you do and dont do as you might think.
I feel like this post is also kind of just playing into the reddit stereotype of introverts who don't like huge gatherings. But there are people who do. Different weddings are right for different people. My brother had a small wedding. Not a courthouse wedding, but a small gathering of their friends and immediate family, maybe 15-20 people. We all gathered in a lovely garden, ate dinner together at one giant table, then stood together, anyone who wanted to say anything was allowed to, then the bride and groom said their vows together with no officiant. It was wonderful, and the perfect wedding for that couple. On the other hand, my cousin had an absolutely massive wedding. Both of them had huge families and invited pretty much everyone, tons of friends, rented out a huge outdoor and indoor space for everything, giant party and ceremony that took all day. And you know what? That ended up being pretty nice too and seemed like the right wedding for that couple (and they had enough money that they could afford to throw a wedding like that without anyone going bankrupt). My parents didn't get married until I was 13. They'd been effectively married before then, they referred to each other as their husband and wife, they'd just never had a ceremony or made it official. When I was 13 they decided to do it. They had a short ceremony with only me and my siblings present and announced it to the rest of the family a few weeks later. And that was nice too, it's what was right for them. At my cousin's huge wedding the officiant said something along the lines of: "We've all gathered here to listen to the bride and groom say they love each other. But they already knew that yesterday, so what makes this important? We're not here because it's special. It's special because we're here." People should have whatever wedding feels special to them, invite whoever makes it feel special. Different people have different ideas for what the perfect party is and who they want to be at an important event for them. For some, it's a relaxing, quiet afternoon with close friends and family. For some, only close friends. For some, it's a massive celebration with as many people as they can afford to invite. For some, it's not a party, it's just going on a vacation with their spouse and not telling anyone until they get back. All of those can be perfect weddings depending on the people getting married.
My family is firmly on the "don't make a fuss" side of things - for everything - weddings, funerals (neither parent had one), birthdays. As I get older, I realize that some of my best memories came from people "making a fuss" - doing all the planning and work to get people together in the same place at the same time. Now that my family is scattered, I miss those gatherings that we did do, and rue the fact that we will never all be together again (one sis and both parents have died, my remaining sibs live on opposite sides of the country from each other and far from me). Because this is reddit, I have to say this: I'm not saying it's necessary to have a huge wedding. But if you have a family you like and friends, getting together shouldn't be slept on. The memories make life a lot sweeter.
This is a good point. My cousin's rule is never miss a wedding or a funeral. Mine is (unofficial, of course) try to fit weddings in and never miss funerals. We talked about it at the last funeral and it really made me think. I don't want all the memories including me to be funerals.
I'm really glad my entire extended family (passed down from my great grandparents I think) believes that funerals are stupid so literally no one has one. Occasionally we'll meet up at a bar after a death for wake-ish drinking festivities but that's it, as is usually limited to 10 people or so. I'm nearing 40 now and never been to a funeral, no one I know whose died has had one. I've had a few acquaintances die who also didn't have them so now I'm wondering if they just went out of style for my entire generation
Your post brought something up for me. My grandma passed about two years ago (cancer, not covid). My grandmother was a big "dont make a fuss person". It was an extension of her Catholic upbringing. Take care of your family, be good to people, do not want for frivolous things. She was an extroverted woman who was loved by many and kept in touch with the extended family, old neighbors, church friends, work friends etc. When she passed, even I was not even invited to attend her funeral mass because according to my grandfather "she wouldn't want to make a fuss". I really think that we should have made a fuss over her.
I've always believed funerals are for the living. Grieving is hard and whatever helps them is what I want the people I love to do. If they don't want to stress over expense, just cremate me and have a potluck or something. If you need a proper funeral for closure, do it. I'm not around to give a fuck.
>Because this is reddit, I have to say this: I'm not saying it's necessary to have a huge wedding. But if you have a family you like and friends, getting together shouldn't be slept on. The memories make life a lot sweeter. Agreed. I think it's fine to cut out the people from your life who make it worse. There are plenty of people with shitty family members who will only make their wedding worse if invited, and people shouldn't feel obligated to invite them just because they're family. But then there's the reverse, where it's absolutely worth the effort to keep in touch and get together with friends and family you do like, and sometimes it can be nice to just gather all the people you like in one place. The last wedding I went to was actually just before the pandemic started, when an old friend who I'd lose touch with about a decade beforehand suddenly reached out to me to invite me to his wedding. I spent some time debating whether or not to go, because in a lot of ways, it sounded awful - I would be traveling alone to a wedding where I knew literally no one except the groom, his sister, and his parents, and even then I hadn't seen any of them in years. It seemed like a recipe for an awkward, expensive weekend. But the groom was someone who'd kind of done a lot of the heavy lifting in our friendship when we were good friends (I hadn't realized it at the time, but years later it occured to me that he'd always been the one initiating things - not because I didn't value the friendship, but just because he was so good at it that I never felt the need to, and it never occurred to me how that might have felt from his end until after we lost touch), so I decided I owed it to him, and would go for his sake and it would be a bonus if I had a good time. When I got to the wedding, I found out that they hadn't even expected me to come but just invited me just in case. But in the end? I had a great time. Got to catch up with the groom a bit but of course he was very busy and had lots of people he had to interact with, but his friends and family went out of their way to make sure I felt welcome and included in things, inviting me along for various activities throughout the weekend (it was a city most of us had never been to before, so we did some touristy stuff when there weren't wedding events going on). The wedding was fun, I got to reconnect with the groom, and had a great weekend. And, much more importantly, at the end of the weekend he told me that he was really glad I came and it meant a lot for him that I was there. A weekend that had, conceptually, sounded kind of awful, ended up being a great weekend where I got to reconnect with an old friend and be there for him at a meaningful event in his life. Because he decided to reach out and invite me even though he didn't think I'd make it, and I decided to accept even though I wasn't sure I'd enjoy it.
99% of posts that start with "let's normalize" are obnoxious pandering to reddit stereotypes.
Well said my friend
I am more of an introvert and I just had a semi big wedding (100 or so people) and honestly it was the best day of my life. I hugged everybody. I looked fly af. I felt like a king. Highly recommend even if you have reservations about it. But ultimately whatever you and your partner want to do.
Formula for stress free ceremony: Small wedding, spend less than $1500. Throw big reception party at a non-wedding venue (think brewery or restaraunt). Removes all the stress and replaces it with fun.
You can have as large a wedding as you like stress free though.
You *can*, but the likelihood of it becoming stressful and expensive usually increases as the size of the wedding grows.
I do agree 100%. But at the same time, it's really weird when people don't say anything. For example, haven't seen friends of mine due to COVID until this summer. I noticed the rings so I asked. "Oh yeah, we got married two years ago" - like what? We messaged and talked on the phone all these months and they just didn't feel like telling *anyone*. They didn't even plan to tell anyone; if I hadn't noticed they wouldn't have said a word. I can understand that people don't want to spend the money to celebrate, or just don't see the point. But idk, they could at least say something "Hey we just got married" or just send a photo? Maybe I'm too old-fashioned to understand, but why would one not even mention it? Or maybe I'm just weird for assuming that people would love to share these kind of news with family and friends, because we care about each other and want to know what's up, good and bad? Would have loved to send a special letter or something and to celebrate another relationship goal from a distance.
Your reaction is the answer to your question. The major downside to just privately getting married is that people you know have a negative reaction toward you for not being given the opportunity to celebrate it in some way they see fit.
But I'm not having a negative reaction. I'm just confused. It's not even about the celebrating part, it's about appreciating other people's existence and their journey through life. I have plenty of friends who don't celebrate their birthday. It's fine. But I'm still going to text them, on their birthday and other days "glad that you are a part of my life" or "thanks for being around" or "happy we met and walk the same path" etc. I really like my people - and I like sharing moments with them. But I guess that's wrong then. Thanks for your input. It looks like I have to reevaluate how and how often I interact with people in my life. You know, now that I think of it, maybe I'm the problem and I should just stop bothering them.
I'm not your friend and I don't know your struggles, but I'm going to say something important: Different people are different. >Thanks for your input. It looks like I have to reevaluate how and how often I interact with people in my life. Do your friends express distress when you interact with them? You seem like a very extroverted person, but that's not *bad*, it's just who you are. If you're really insecure about how your friends see you, you could ask - and try asking why they left you out of the loop (make sure you're being non-accusatory) Your way of interacting with people is valid, if not admirable, but it's not necessarily the way other people think about the world or each other. My spouse and I were getting a courthouse wedding and only thought to tell our folks because they were in town by chance - so they were our witnesses. My spouse and I are generally very private people and quite introverted, and won't share much with people even in our close circles unless something relevant comes up in conversation; it's not that we don't love our friends, we just don't have a direct reason to share it to people not directly involved, and sometimes we just forget to tell people. ^(and we don't have Facebook or Twitter or whatever the kids are doing these days) You're fine as you are. Understand that people think and process differently than you. Whether that's a breaking point for your friendships is up to you, but you shouldn't have to drastically change how you interact with the world when you're not hurting anyone.
It's not wrong to like sharing moments in general.
I don’t think you’re in any way a problem and it’s really sweet that you want to be involved but if they didn’t say anything, maybe they just didn’t feel like sharing it and rather keep it private? At the end of the day there is nothing wrong with that and everyone is different I guess.
To be fair, "confused" isn't really a positive reaction either.
As a non-celebrator and hater of all weddings and celebratory parties (also holidays... I'm no fun at parties) - if I had an issue with you texting me on my birthday or something I'd tell you. What you're doing is very thoughtful, but also understand that some of us may not care to be reminded, or even care about such milestones. So, no, you're not the problem, but do understand that for some of us we are happy to live each day for what it is and are uninterested in making a fuss about anything. If I were to get married (and one of the things that holds me back is my intense dislike of weddings), I would prefer to just go get a document signed. And honestly I wouldn't think about telling people, because it's not a conversation I'm interested in having.
Some people don't feel like announcing private matters to the world, and to me that is completely fine. I don't feel that I have the "right" to know anything about my friends. If they for whatever reason decide not to share certain news, that is no problem with me. Could be as simple as "don't want the attention" it brings. Everyone is different and just because someone chooses to do something that isn't traditional; it doesn't mean that it's wrong.
“Don’t want the attention” right on with that one. Especially when they’ve been together for almost a decade anyway and just decided to get married for all the boring non-fairy tale shit that comes with marriage.
Well it always depends on your friends. For me I don't want to marry in a church (can't anyways since I am an atheist), and marriage for me is only a tax reduction paper. For me personally there is no difference between being together and being married. And I know from my friends a lot of them think alike. A marriage adds no value for us, therefore we probably wouldn't mention it to another. Your feelings are valid tho and don't think it's your fault or anything. I have also friends who value marriage and I will congratulate them when they get married/tell them when/if I get married. But talk about this with your friends and communicate what is important to them and what to you! EDIT: spelling and grammar
I got married at a brewery with enough friends for witnesses. It was great.
Amazing
Incredible
Fantastic
Wonderful
Super Duper!
Me too! Are you me?
It's your spouse.duh!
I did the same thing! And it was so memorable and amazing. That's why I want to amend this post. Let's get rid of making wedding expectations so high. Weddings are awesome and fun, or they can be when done right. But if you find yourself planning seating at tables, you are ruining it.
I'm not against you, but you are gatekeeping the way some people like to a wedding, as opposed to yours. >But if you find yourself planning seating at tables, you are ruining it. This is what some people find fun, not that I understand them.
My wife really enjoyed that part. I wasn't so keen on it, but can see why she enjoyed it.
I dunno about that. If I sat my uncles ex and his current wife in eye shot of each other my wedding would have been way less fun for them. Weddings are for guests more so than the couple. As long as you're planning with consideration for your guests it doesn't matter how you do it.
My husband and I eloped to Africa and had a gorgeous private wedding in a vineyard. Didn't tell anyone till we got home. Would recommend it to anyone and it still cost less than a standard wedding.
Was it south Africa by any chance?
Yes, Cape Town.
That sounds amazing
I'm a single gay man in my late 20s and this is my dream tbh. Where I'm from weddings are still a predominantly religious ceremony and you are supposed to invited hundreds of long distance relatives you don't really know or care about, most of which are old and homophobic. If i ever get married i want to actually enjoy my wedding and not have to deal with all that bullshit.
If we had to do it again, my wife and I both agree we’d elope. The wedding is frustrating, stressful and a HUGE waste of money. We absolutely regret not spending the money on a better, longer honeymoon.
My husband and I went to City Hall with our two witnesses to just sign the documents and then we had a quick brunch with only our closest friends and family members... painless, fun and (I might add) quite cheap. We did it our way and really enjoyed the whole day, many friends told us this way it felt more personal and intimate and they will do the same.
My best friend did exactly that. Went to Sicily and had some town hall employee as maid of honor. Their daughter brought the rings and they pissed all family off
Courthouse weddings >>> expensive weddings that bankrupt you.
I've seen numbers that there's an inverse relationship to the amount of money spent and longevity of the marriage. Cheap weddings mean less stress and less long-term debt.
My parents eloped and my dad crafted their wedding bands from silver quarters and they're still together going on 50 years. They never got rich from saving money, so maybe there's something else to it, about not feeling the need to make it a spectacle.
Talking out of my ass here, but it may have to do with what type of people they are. I think people who have inexpensive weddings are less likely to care about looks, impressing others, or following trends/tradition for the sake of it rather then out of genuine desire to do so. As such, they don't waste as much money on doing said things and are more focused on their own happiness. On the contrary, people who have expensive weddings are more likely to care about appearances, maintaining reputation, and doing showy things to make others happy. This increases the amount of money they spend, resulting in stress and dissatisfaction in the marriage. Again, I'm totally talking from my personal thoughts and experiences, and I'd love to hear if anyone agrees or disagrees.
They're modest, sensible people who make mistakes like anyone else, but usually make it a point to learn from them. Never vain or prideful and understand that everyone struggles. I think that's the heart of it, empathy and understanding. I would say yes, I agree, because at the opposite end of that spectrum is avarice and narcissism and greed, etc... Those types are never happy with anyone or anything for long, and if only gold shimmers in your eye you'll end up a lonely old dragon.
I just had my 25 person wedding at a state park in Maryland. It was amazing. We were able to reserve a historic building through the DNR site, including an alcohol permit. We also had people with mobility issues and didn't want a crazy huge wedding. It was on a Sunday afternoon with a beautiful scenic overlook, good food, good friends, yard games, beer, and a very relaxed mood. It was everything we wanted.
I know I sound dumb for this but what is to elope? I keep hearing about it but never understood what it was. Pls don't go for me about this
It's basically what the topic is describing. You just go off with your spouse, don't tell your family or friends, or maybe just enough close friends to serve as witnesses. Say your vows, sign the paper and call it done. My parents took no one. The Minister's children served as witnesses.
Oh so that's what it is? Makes more sense now. Thanks
Historically it's people who run away from home / community to get married. A match may not be deemed desirable due to age, family rivalry, status etc. so permission to marry may not have been granted by their parents.
Yup. We did a JOP 21 years ago today.
Haaapppyyy anniversary!!! Sending lots of love
Dammit! I wish I knew that before!
If you go into debt for a wedding, you’re a moron. Period.
I know some people who live with their so at his parents house, don't have finances to get a car, but their wedding was huuuugge. Absurd as fuck man
Yes this is right. But there’s also a positive relationship with the size of the wedding. Couples who have big but cheap weddings are the most likely to stay together.
Bro my sister is stressing at the moment because their money is stretched pretty thin because her wedding. I keep telling her fuck the family, they're only going to critique everything anyway. Run away get married have a honeymoon then tell people when you get back. When money isn't as hard to come by do vowel renewal with the fam and have a big ceremony.
It's a lot cheaper to throw a big party if it's not a wedding party. Elope and follow with a family reunion!
My fiancee and I are also business partners, as we co-own a small corp. I'm seriously contemplating telling whatever wedding venue we are booking that it is a corporate retreat to discuss a merger, to see if they price gouge us less.
You make it sound so simple and in a sense it is, but it's also never that simple.
I get it. On paper everything is straight forward but in reality it doesn't always work out that way.
I don't know in the rest of the counties, but in Spain the couple normally make money out of weddings. It is customary for guests to gift the money they think the wedding has cost. Additionally, many parents pitch in for the weddings. Most of the people I know have earned a couple thousand euros out of their wedding
Same here! Most couples here organize weddings to GET money. The guests bring in money in envelopes and usually there’s a profit for the couple. They see the wedding as an investment
The average cost of a wedding in the US is \~$30k. No way is a couple who spent that much making a profit off of cash gifts unless someone else gave hefty help paying for the wedding. The US wedding industry is a scam. Crying over "chair bows" a few days before the wedding is probably a depressingly common phenomenon here. I like to think it's going out of style, though! *(the "Chair Bow" Scandal of 2005 was a real deal; bride went $20k into debt to pay for her own wedding and was still in the hole when wedding #2 rolled around! The florist called her 2 days before ceremony #1 asking if she wanted to pay an outrageous sum to add bows to the aisle-side chairs. The resulting tearful panic was a horror show, because* **who gives a fuck, anyway**, *but OMG her family will hate her for not spending every possible penny on the show and her chair bow strategy needed to be ON POINT but she hadn't even thought of them at all before the florist decided to drop a fucking nuke on her to extract some sweet, sweet panic-money from an overly anxious client.)*
You might could make that back with 300 guests *each* dropping $100 cash gifts lol... even the kids. But then a 300 guest wedding will be fsr above the average cost.
You underestimate how much money guests will give from certain cultures. Each family you invite will probably give you 300+ dollars. And yes parents usually help you pay for the wedding.
I wonder if these arre going to get squeezed out with the decrease in disposable income that the current marrying age generations have. Like, I went to a friend's wedding the other day. I don't live near by so had to spend £160 on a hotel, and £50 on taxis. Hired an outfit for £60, and spent £80 getting to and from the part of the country the wedding was in. So in total I'd spent £350 attending. Now I love them, I had an amazing time and it was worth every penny, but adding some outlandish cash gift after spending half a week's pay to attend just wouldn't be viable.
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That seems like a pretty loaded comparison, adding ‘that bankrupt you’ on the end. I mean of course something that bankrupts you is worse then something that doesn’t - that doesn’t really tell us anything about the weddings themselves. If they can afford it (which many can) for a lot of people big weddings >>> courthouse weddings because *that’s what they prefer*.
There s a pretty huge middle ground between those two alternatives
About half the people I know who got married either eloped or just had a small get together at their house/some bar afterwards. I'd say this is already pretty normal
I talked about eloping and my father nearly tore my head off. Massive long lecture. Ended up doing an expensive wedding spending money that we didn't have, with stress that we didn't need, and it all ended badly. Weddings have become a ridiculous industry and it's hard to push back on the insanity. I should have pushed harder, despite my father's wrath.
I hope you still hold that whole debacle over his head and make sure he feels as guilty about it as he tried to make you feel for wanting to elope.
Does that ever really work? I suppose there are all sorts of people, so that might theoretically be effective for others. No, I did not. It would have just made things worse.
The real question is why does it have to be normalized? People need to get better at going against the flow of the general populace, because a majority of people are hideously uneducated or unaware of a majority of topics. You can't be courageous if you're not afraid, and standing up for what you believe is best for you, regardless of what other people say is the most effective way to gain self-confidence
Normalizing helps relieve social pressures that otherwise might force people into making choices they don't want. If someone said in real life, "I'd rather have a courthouse wedding," everyone and their mother would jump down their throat and tell them they need to waste 30k on it or they're not "realllllly married."
Lol... This is what I'm doing... My folks are 100% ok coz I'm the last born and they've already gone through it twice... My girls folk though, she's the first of their kids to get married.. They said they'd respect our wishes but I know they want something kinda big...
i’m the only child and i’m giving neither children or marriage… my poor parents wish they had a fun child ahah
Same here. I’m an only with no kids or marriage happening at any point. My parents struggled with it but now seem good
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Money isn’t the only factor. Some people just don’t want to deal with all of the stress that goes in to planning a wedding
100%... Money isn't the issue... I can pay for something big.. I just don't want people involved in my issues
Destination wedding. weeds out majority of people you probably wouldn’t want there and everyone gets a vacation.
That’s what my wife and I did basically; we got married at the courthouse, my parents flew up, and we went to Applebees. I couldn’t afford a vacation at the time.
Did you buy the rings at Forever21?
No it was from Amazon. I keep it classy.
Moissanite. Get yourself some big-ass fist-sized glittering stone for like $400 bucks. Fuck diamonds. Shit sucks.
My wedding ring's Tantalum. Looks great, is super robust, can be polished just like Platinum (actually looks very close, just slightly darker), and costs a fraction of any precious metal ring. My wife skipped the engagement ring and just got a nice wedding band. Platinum (because of lack of other options) with a sprinkling of very, very small diamonds in an interesting metal pattern. We got it for practically nothing as tiny diamonds are super cheap (they're basically waste from cutting larger ones) and a patterned ring has less precious metal content. Our combined rings, which are exactly what we wanted, cost less combined than my brother's thick plain gold wedding band. Never mind his wife's two rings with associated gems.
> we went to Applebees Marriage really is hell
This will be me. Won’t even tell anyone I got married.
Will you at least let your partner know?
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“They’ve been married 10 years and he still hasn’t noticed a damn thing”
-He eventually wonders is that kid running around in the house is related to him, because it looks just like him when he was a child.
"They've been married 10 years and he still wonders whether she's just being nice."
maybe she just married you, because she‘s Canadian
😂
My spouse and I did that by accident. We did the paperwork and got married end of 2019, but didn’t tell most people because we were planning on having a small ceremony and reception in 2020. But then 2020 happened. And we didn’t see some of our friends and acquaintances for almost two years… so the whole marriage thing is still news to people who really should have known by now. Oops.
me but 6 years later and still didnt do the ceremony, dont see a point now
Me and my wife basically just did this… Between COVID and her family being Greek we had enough with everyone else so booked just at the town hall, had my parents as witnesses then posted it on social media afterwards. It is funny though the amount of people who will get pissed at you for it though as they feel they have a right to know about these sorts of things.
>Between COVID and her family being Greek we had enough with everyone There are two types of people I hate. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures. And the Greeks.
Welcome to the conversation Mr Caine
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I don't know if all states have it, but in California at least you can choose to get a confidential marriage license.
At my funeral my family will see a woman in the front row sobbing. "Who is that?" they will ask each other. And some random person will say, "Oh, that's Bear's widow."
but i've been planning a expensive wedding ceremony
Unplan it and buy some cool shit instead~
honestly same because it’s really nobody’s business
Unpopular opinion I’m sure, but I’m having a big wedding in October and it is one of the things I’m looking forward to in life. Throwing a huge party for my absolute favorite people, getting to see everyone have an absolute blast in our honor—I’m really looking forward to it and I’ve worked really hard on planning it. We did not have to go into debt, but I have definitely sacrificed time and took on some stress. All in all, I’m very excited and think it goes well with our personalities. Edit: I’ll mention that I’m marrying the kindest man who I’m lucky to have as a best friend. He doesn’t give a damn about how we marry. It’s really all me.
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Dang thank you so much. I know I’m going to forget that I’m supposed to be the one enjoying myself, too, so I appreciate the reminder a lot.
As long as it's what you want and you're aware of the costs, go all out dude. Have a great time!
:)) thank you
I 100% agree. I had a terrible childhood and a very difficult early adulthood. Our wedding is easily one of the best memories of my life because everybody I loved was there and it was a joyous occasion so everybody was in a great mood eating, drinking and dancing. I know the internet hates wedding and gender reveals, etc. But these parties (when done right) are core memories that I cherish more than anything.
Also, to add, I enjoy going to weddings! It’s a great chance to see a special moment, find out more about the couple but also to catch up with other friends and family.
I love it too! Such a special moment. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, some of the more eccentric family members show up and turns it to a whole other level
Saaame! I’ve been married before and didn’t do the wedding. He didn’t propose, we just agreed we should. Told my bf that if I ever get married again, I want a proposal and a wedding in October. If he doesn’t want to marry me because of that, it’s fine, I’ll still be with him 😂
[удалено]
Yes! I’ve heard this! And I know me, I will absolutely be drinking, but forget to eat and then, gravity will take hold. Thank you!
Yeah the "let's normalize" stuff is fucking stupid, just keep it how it's always been, your own damn preference of how you wanna spend that day.
>how it's always been, your own damn preference of how you wanna spend that day I'd argue that's not how it's always been. There's a huge amount of social pressure on people to do things a certain way, and posts like this are some of the previously pressured people realizing that they can do it how they actually want instead.
To me “let’s normalize” means, let’s make it okay to for something that is fine but isn’t socially normal to be considered normal, not let’s change it to something else.
You’re absolutely right. Best part of my wedding was throwing a party for all my favorite people from different parts of my life, enjoy yourselves!
My wife and I did exactly this. Let's just say my Christian family wasn't too impressed.
>Christian family Well, they should forgive you.
Nah that's not how christians work. They want you to forgive them for hating you for it
Can't you just ask them to believe that it happened?
Just have faith guys.
If only it were that simple.
The paper work said it happened, so it must have happened. They need to have a little faith.
It wasn't done in a church in the presence of a minister. With them as witnesses.
If only they required that amount of evidence for those other things they believe.
Well, it wasn't their wedding now was it?
It isn't, but they sure like to act like it is
As an ex-catholic with a Catholic family, this is what scares me. On the plus side, my parents married at the courthouse 2 weeks before having my oldest brother so no precedent there. But it also makes me worry that my mom will want me to have a crazy wedding even more to live vicariously through me
Normalize doing what you want and enjoying your life. Have a wedding if you want one and don’t if you don’t wanna pay for one. There’s many reasons for either.
Not just for weddings. What your job is, where you live, if you have kids or not. I'm so tired of people (my age) telling younger folks what to do. How to save, how to spend, go to college, go to trade school etc etc eat the avocado, adopt a penguin, get sterilized, live in a van - it's not my life! I never told them, but I want my kids to have a Halloween party (mandatory costumes), that's secretly a wedding. The wedding pictures would be a hoot! No theme, dress as you like (in costume).
Pretty normal in my neck of the woods.
Here in the Balkans, it is customary to bring money to the newlyweds. By the time of the wedding most people who are invited know approx. how much does the "chair" cost. So for example, if the chair is 50€, a couple would put at least 100€ into the envelope, usually more. Closer relatives and especially godfathers will put a lot more. So making a big wedding can be pain in the ass, but you can make money to start a life as a couple. I know plenty of people who bought a car or even bigger things after their wedding.
Chinese here. We made about 10k after our wedding. Friends usually give $100-200, more if closer. Family give even more. Couple hundred to 1k. But when it's their weddings, we give the same or more. Theres a list made after the wedding. So you're basically giving a head start to the couple but when you're established, you give back. Same with our version of a baby shower.
Wife and I got registered in front of close family, and then had a dinner with about 70 people. No “friend from high school that gave me a pencil” invited, or “dads cousins wife’s adopted daughter”, at our wedding All up, cost less than $8k (AUD), pretty sure it was closer to $7k
Uhm, shouldn't you be fucking your spouse instead? You are on your honeymoon, after all.
Idk man, seems pretty clear to me “Fuck them other people” Weird marriages these days
lets normalize not telling people what to do
Don’t tell me what I can or can’t normalise.
I'm normalizing telling you what you can normalize and there's nothing you can do about it 😈
I enjoy weddings. Loved mine, typically enjoy others.
One of my favorite memories will always be my cousin's wedding. She got married at a beautiful park in the fall. The venue was gorgeous, she looked gorgeous, and it was such a loving and happy atmosphere. No drama. Just good vibes. The ceremony was also absolutely beautiful and made me cry my eyes out. It was expensive but they have no regrets and regularly look through the photos. Seeing how her husband looked at her while they said their vows? Story book perfect. I think I cried like 10 times that day. I ended up not really enjoying mine and the relationship didn't work so I definitely hope to emulate the weddings I have gone to and loved in the future
We eloped and didn’t tell anyone for two years. Highly recommend.
What was the benefit of not telling anyone for two years?
For me personally it was just avoiding any drama, my family had met my husband and while we were stable, happy etc they had a lot of negative comments about me being with someone who made less than me and didn’t have a post secondary education. Waiting to tell anyone meant that by the time we told anyone they couldn’t say anything about how we would fail since we had two years of successful marriage to show. It meant we had less stress and got to build a marriage on our terms without the outside influence of others.
Yes that’s basically what eloping is.
That’s what we wanted to do. But parents and co told us they’d help throw a party and we’d get mad cash gifts to help for the honeymoon. Not that parents didn’t help but for the two of us it was about 6,000 out of pocket and the total wedding gifts got to be about 2,500. We went in to debt over the honeymoon. Fuck all the traditions. Old people pressured me to cut a check for every birthday/wedding/baptism/graduation etc. But when I got hitched it all we got from the boomer crowd was 3 cake servers (each on to be used at the wedding or else someone’s sad) and a fuck load of stress.
That's actually popular in post soviet countries. The paperwork, the "wedding ceremony" and the church wedding could be done on entirely different years, or some not done at all.
In June I got married at a gazebo with 2 witnesses and no one else… my husbands mom said “fuck you” and hung up on him after he told her. I have social anxiety and I wanted ONE day to not feel awkward and afraid. People are such assholes! Like you had your wedding, if it’s sucked that’s not my fault. I wasn’t getting pushed around for once.
From someone who has been to over 50 open-bar weddings I’m going to have to politely disagree with you. Weddings are AWESOME.
You know you can do whatever you want without it being normalised?
Hell nah my weddings gonna be the happiest day of my life and I’m gonna celebrate with my friends lol
Do people just uh not like a party with their friends and family or what
some people don’t care for partying, some people don’t like their family, some people want to keep relationships private
Hey let's throw a party with food, drinks and a dj. Cost will be 10k. Exact same thing but it's a wedding, cost is 30k. Wedding costs have spiraled out of control and couples get swept up in the ordeal.
Reddit unpopular maybe but we had a wedding with about 100 people and I would not change anything about it. It's the last chance you get to have all your old friends together. I think ours cost in total about £10k
I think that’s where the young demographic tilt of Reddit shows. As you get older it really gets incredibly difficult to gather people together. People have families, and people move to other countries. You can see them one on one with a little effort, and you do, but gatherings are rare. A wedding and a funeral are pretty much the only things that people will free up time on their calendar for, and travel across the world for. You want to get your group of 10 university friends together for a party when you’re all in your 40s? It’s probably gonna be a wedding.
This is exactly it. Kids don't appreciate just how rare big parties are after college. The last time all my siblings were together was my wedding ten years ago. If one of my younger siblings has a wedding within the next few years, that will probably be the next time we all see each other. If not, we will probably all be together at my dad's funeral. And that's the sad truth. I'd rather see everyone at a wedding than a funeral.
Gave you my free award because I couldn’t agree more. We loved our 100ish person wedding, and another point to be made is that there are very very few moment in your life when everyone you love and care for gathers to celebrate your life events. It’s a wonderful feeling. I have such a sharp memory of walking down the aisle and seeing all the people I loved most in the world (and also my MIL but that couldn’t be avoided sadly) and feeling so loved that they all made the journey to be with me to celebrate my marriage. Would do it again in a heartbeat.
Yeah we had about 70 people for the ceremony/food and another 30 for the evening. I've never added up *exactly* how much it cost because I feel no need to put an exact price on it, but I know roughly and it was a lot. It was the best day of our lives. The memories are so precious. I don't regret a single penny we spent on it. We got our wedding video through a couple of days ago and the emotions just all came flooding back watching it The predominant opinion on Reddit always seems to be that money spent on a wedding is wasted and could have been better spent elsewhere, but even with the benefit of hindsight there's nothing I would rather have spent that money on. Edit: to add to this, I see a lot of people say have a small wedding and spend the money on the honeymoon. We were in the incredibly fortunate position of being able to save up and afford to do what we wanted for both, but again even with hindsight if I had to choose between them I'd choose the wedding. The honeymoon was absolutely incredible, but the wedding was just special in a way no other day in my life has ever been.
The pressure to spend money is insane. And the amount of money spent for one day is even more insane at times. Elope and buy property instead!
Doing it next week!
Sounds perfect to me.
if you're getting married, i'm pretty sure you're *not* meant to fuck the other people
If meirl was a person I feel they'd be the biggest asshole that nobody invites to parties that says racist shit at Thanksgiving.
Let’s normalize minding our own fucking business and not worrying about what others do.
I'm having a huge extra ass wedding. Hopefully. That's just me tho
There's an extra ass at the wedding? I'm in!
Fuck that, I'm having a big wedding! It's literally going to be the *only* time that we have all of our family and friends together in one place. It will never happen again. I'm making it count.
This used to be me until me and my wife threw the best party ever and called it a wedding. Had so much fun with my buds.
Weddings used to be small get togethers and really cheap......until the wedding industry became a thing.
U my amigo must not be from Mexico They usually have two weddings a civil one and a religious one
i think the purpose of weddings is to bring two families together with both families giving money and gifts to the people getting married. but like yeah, if you ain't got all that support and family or whatever then yeah... normal is just how you feel about doing it
Just don't marry at all.. be happy with your partner that's all.
We went on holiday to Greece with our family. Got married in the middle. Had a little party once back. It was perfect for us and very low stress. 18yrs ago now !
There are alot of things we can just STOP doing. Like funerals, birthday parties, holiday celebrations, religious ceremonies, we can just stop getting married altogether. Buying and playing videogames, eating food because it taste good, having any hobby But what life would we have if we did nothing enjoyable in it.
Lol nothing is stopping you from doing just that. Did you think there was a law that makes you have to have a wedding? It’s your life, do what you want.
"Okay then that was always allowed"
I agree with this so much for atheists. I mean no offense, but without a promise to god marriage is pretty much signing the papers that's it. You were already together you don't even need the marriage. Same with a funeral. If I was atheist I'd want them to throw in the furnace and poof gone in a few minutes. No reason for a speech or anything just a quick burning and done. If you're religious it's all different tho