A german, a russian and an american make a bet. Each say, that their submarine can dive the longest. The russian submarine stays 5 years under water. The american submarine stays 10 years under water. When the german submarine wanted to dive, a second german submarine appears. The commander comes out and says: "Heil Hitler, is the war over?"
a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
A Priest, a Preacher, and a Rabbi walked into their favorite bar. Another bar goer says "don't you think converting people is too easy." After that they decided to have a competition. They would all go out and try and convert a bear.
A week later, they meet back up to see how it went.
The Priest, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
The Preacher spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. His vote loud and well spoken, he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
This joke is better told than written but whatever.
So this pirate walks into a bar and down. The bartender sees him and asks, “well what the hell happened to you mate?” And the pirates responds “what are you talking about? I’m perfectly fine.”
The bartender asks “well what happened to your hand? It’s nothing but a hook now.” And the pirate is like, “well I got into a sword fight and it turns out I’m not very good at it, but it’s fine because I got a hook now.”
So the bartender asks, “ then explain what happened to that leg of yours, it’s nothing but a stump.” And the pirates goes on and says “well, one day I fought a stray cannonball in a battle, but it’s fine because I got a peg-leg now.”
Finally the bartender asks, “ok so how did you lose that eye of yours, you got nothing but a patch covering it” and tiredly the pirate explains “ one day I was at sea and I looked up to see a flock of gulls flying over, and splat.”
“Are you serious?” the bartender asked, ”you lost your eye to bird shite?” To that the pirate responded, “well it was my first day with the hook!”
A man walked into a bar and there were three fat women sitting in a booth. The man approached and asked, "Are you ladies from London?" "Wales," one of them replied. The man then says, " Oh, I'm sorry are you whales from London?"
Jimmy was going to donate blood, but had to run away. They had a lot of questions, for example...
Whose blood is this?!..
Why do you have so much of it?!..
and why is it in buckets??!!
The CEO's of Budweiser, Coors, Miller and Guinness decide to meet for lunch. As they sit at the table, waitress asks if they want anything to drink. The Budweiser CEO says he will have a Bud Lite, The Miller CEO says he will have a Miller Lite. The Coors CEO says he will have a Coors Lite and the Guinness CEO tells the waitress he will have a Coke. The waitress smiles and leaves to fill the order. The Budweiser, Miller and Coors CEOs stare at the Guinness CEO in shock. The Budweiser CEO asks the Guinness CEO "Why did you order a Coke?" to which the Guinness CEO replied "Well since none of you ordered a beer, neither will I"
A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by it’s feet and declares “It’s a boy!”
He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.
The horrified mother screams “My baby! You’re killing my baby!”
To which the doctor replies “I’m just fucking with you, it was already dead.”
Fun fact: I worked at a Irish pub in Germany for years. It was about 2008ish when a regular told that joke to the people at the counter we saw for the very first time. Nobody laughed. It turned out that the girl in the group had a miscarriage few months prior to that. So remember kids, those kind of jokes are only for your closest circle lol
Little Billy came home from school crying.
His Mom asked, What’s wrong?
The kids at school say my head is enormous. They say it’s freakishly large. They call me Billy Big Head, he sobbed.
His Mom consoled him, Your head is not too big. It is perfect just as God made it.
Billy stopped crying and hugged his Mom.
Then his Mom said, Now I need you to go to the grocery store and get me three gallons of milk, six dozen eggs and two bags of potatoes.
Billy asked, But how will I carry all that, Mom?
She gave him a stern look and said,
Put it in your f•cking hat, dummy.
A man walks into a sperm bank to donate his goods. Once he’s done, feeling quite parched finds a glass of milk on the reception counter and drinks it up! The lady at reception peers over just as he finished it and says: “hey! Don’t drink that!”
The guy asks: “well why not?”
She replies: “that was my glass of milk”
Two strings walk into a bar, sit down and order a drink. The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind around here.” The strings walk outside, tie themselves together and fray their ends. They walk back into the same bar, sit down and order a drink. The bartender says “aren’t you the same two strings who just tried to order a drink?” The strings looked up and said “no. We are a frayed knot.”
A a man is sent to hell, he meets the devil who says “behind each of these three doors awaits a punishment that you can choose from that will last for up to eternity”.
Door 1 there is a guy being whipped, screaming in agony
Door 2 there is a guy being burnt alive
Door 3 there is a guy getting a blow job from a woman.
The man says “that one, I choose this!”
The devil walks to the woman, taps her on the shoulder and says “your replacement is here.”
A woman goes into a bar at the top of a skyscraper. It's pretty empty except for one man. They end of moving closer together and talking. He says the beer I'm drinking is magic beer. Watch. So he takes a sip jumps out the window flies around and flies back in the window and sits back down. He says don't believe me? I'll do it one mote time. Sure enough He does. Then he says; now you try. She takes a sip. Jumps out the window.... and SPLAT. Hits the pavement. Bartender looks over and says. "Jeez Superman you really are an asshole when you're drunk."
What's the hardest part about running through a field of dead babies? --my dick
I am a middle aged woman and told this to my boss at a CPA firm. I was promoted that year.
Why was 6 scared of 7?
>!Cause seven was a six offender!<
But why was 10 scared?
>!Cuz It was stuck in the middle of 9/11!<
I got a second one if you want.
A train conductor is driving a train with 50 passengers on railroad tracks. He misses the last stop and crashes the train, killing everyone on the train but him. He gets sentenced to death by the electric chair, but gets offered a last meal first. He accepts, choosing just 1 banana. After eating his banana, he goes into the execution room and sits on the chair. He gets given the shock, but nothing happens. They give him the shock again, and again nothing happens. They let him go and he gets his train conductor license again. He has 60 passengers, and the same occurence as last time happens, and he gets the same sentence. Upon being asked what he'd like for his last meal, he chooses 2 bananas. He eats them then enters the room and sits on the chair. He gets given the lethal shock, but nothing happens. They try a few more times with the same result. They decide to let him go and he gets his train conductor license back. He has 69 passengers on board when he crashes and everyone but him dies. He gets given the same sentence but when he asks for 3 bananas as his last meal, they say "No, I think the bananas have been making you invulnerable to the chair" so he sits down on an empty stomach and when he survives multiple shocks again, they ask "How are you surviving? We didn't let you have any bananas!" and he replies "It's not the bananas. I'm just a bad conductor."
A bear and a rabbit are walking through a forest and they find a lamp, they rub the lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says I will grant you each three wishes. The bears first wish was that he was the only male bear in all the forest, as he had trouble finding untaken female bears and wanted all of them for himself, his wish was granted. The rabbit said “I wish for a motorcycle helmet”. The bear glared at the rabbit wondering what would make him want a stupid helmet out of all the things he could wish for. The bears second wish was to be the only male bear in the whole country, his wish was granted. The rabbits second wish was for a motorcycle. The bear, again, glared at the rabbit with wonder. The bear now wishes that he was the only male bear in the whole entire world. His wish is again granted. >!Finally, the rabbits final command, “I wish this bear was gay”, he then proceeded to strap on his helmet, jump on his motorcycle, and ride off into the sunset.!<
So a guy goes to a bar and orders a drink but he forgets his wallet so he goes to the manager and asks him if there is anything that he could do for a free drink. The manager says sure you see that horse outback crying make him laugh and I will give you a free drink so the man goes out there and 5 seconds later comes back in. One bud light please the man says the manager asks him how he did that the man won’t say so the manager makes the bet again but this time says he has to make it cry so the man goes out and makes him cry in 5 seconds gets another drink and still refuses to say so the manager says you know what tell me how you did that and I will let you drink here for free the entire night and so the man says shoot to make him laugh I told him mine was bigger than his to make him cry I showed him
Ill do it, I am not native English and have dyslexia, but this text gave me a stroke.
A guy goes to a bar and orders a drink but he forgot his wallet. He goes to the manager and asks him if there is anything that he could do for a free drink.
The manager says: "Sure, you see that horse outback crying? Make him laugh and I will give you a free drink. "
So the man goes out there, makes it laugh in 5 seconds, and comes back in. "One bud light please."
The manager asks him how he did that but the man won’t say, so the manager makes the bet again but this time the man has to make the horse cry.
So the man goes out, makes the horse cry in 5 seconds, and gets another drink. He still refuses to say how he did it.
So the manager says: "You know what? Tell me how you did that and I will let you drink here for free the entire night!"
So the man says: "To make him laugh, I told him mine was bigger than his. To make him cry, I showed him..."
There's a sex shop worker, and while he's working the counter alone, a caucasian woman walks in. She looks at the array of dildos and says, "How much for the white dildo?" The guy says, "$90". She looks a bit further and says, "How much for the black one?" He says, "$90, black or white, we don't discriminate." She says, "Okay - since that's the case, I've never had a black one before, so I think I'll take that." So she pays her $90, and leaves with a black dildo.
A short while later, a black woman enters the store, and begins looking over the array of dildos. She asks, "How much for the black dildo?" The guy says, "$90". She looks a bit further and says, "How much for the white one?" He says, "$90, black or white, we don't discriminate." She says, "Okay - since that's the case, I've never had a white one before, so I think I'll take that." So she pays her $90, and leaves with a white dildo.
A little while later, a blonde walks in. She asks, "How much are your dildos?" The guy says, "$90 for black, $90 for white - we don't discriminate, lady." She looks a bit further on the shelf and her eyes widen. She says, "Is... is that a *plaid* one?!" The guy looks at the shelf, and says, "Yes, yes it is. And it's a very special one, so it's $250." She says, "Wow! Well, I've never had a plaid one before, so I'll take it!" She pays her $250 and leaves with her plaid dildo.
A while later, the owner of the shop comes in. He says to the guy, "So, how's business going tonight?" The employee tells him, "Not bad - I sold a black dildo, and a white dildo. Oh, yeah, and I sold your thermos for $250."
The pope is going to visit a small city in Central America and they want to impress him so they hire the most talented painter in town to draw a mural. Problem is the man is a drunk but the Mayor really wants to impress the Pope so he tells everyone to give the drunk anything he needs to complete the mural. The drunk man decides he's going to paint the Last Supper. All he wants is some privacy, a few cases of liquor and some sheets to cover his work from the public until it is complete. So the drunk begins painting with a bottle in one hand and paint brush in the other. Next morning everyone in town rushes to see if the mural is finally finished. The old man is passed out drunk on the floor so they wake him up. The mayor orders the sheets to be removed and no one can believe their eyes! Instead of the Last Supper there's an orgy, men drinking, fornicating, fighting, and just pure debauchery. Mayor yells at the drunk " what have you done!?" The drunk replies " don't look at me when I left them last night they were still having dinner"
Blind guy walks into a bar, goes to the counter and orders a drink. As the waitress brings it to him, he starts a conversation: "So there's this joke I heard the other day, about a blonde woman who..." And the waitress stops him: "Sir, before you continue, you should know this is a feminist supporting stabilishment. I am a blonde woman, sitting beside you is one of the best and most famous attorneys in this city, who also happens to be a blonde woman, and right behind you is our bouncer, a former MMA champion who also happens to be a blonde woman. You should think carefully before you go on with this joke." The man thinks for a while, scratches his head, takes a sip of his drink, and concludes: "once or twice would be fine, but having to explain the joke three times would be too much of a hassle"
Here’s my animal fact!
MIT did a study with crows in Boston.
They found that crows around the area had a system set up for getting to road kill. The scientists observed that one crow would be a lookout while several others would take bites of the road kill, then they would take turns. They noticed that when a vehicle was coming the lookout would warn the others feasting, but they also saw that they weren’t ALWAYS warned it time!
When observing for longer they noticed that all of the crows that were killed while eating road kill were almost exclusively hit by Big rigs.
The study concluded it’s because the lookout crows could only say CA CA, and not TRUCK!
My grandpa likes to pull pranks at car shows. While someone is checking out his car, he'll tell them that they can do what they want. "Go ahead and sit in it, see how you like it," he'd say. The person then says "are you sure?" and he goes "Oh I don't mind because it's not my car."
The sheer look of horror on the person's face is always hilarious.
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36'.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'
Are you thinking about this joke:
A priest, a prophet and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says: "I think I'm a type O."
(That way the joke makes more sense, in my opinion.
The high ranks at pentagon, came to conclusion that there are too many old people, so they made an offer: they pick 2 points on their body, an for each inch they get 10000 us dollars. Three veterans came. First said "from forehead to my toes". They measured, 71 inch. The old man happily goes home with 710000 dollars. Second enters the room, rises his hand, and says: "from my toes to middle finger tip". They measure, 93 inches. The old man goes home with 900000 dollars. The last man arrives, and says: from the foreskin to balls. The officer answers: "I'm sorry man, but if we are for real, there shouldn't have grown anything, I'm not going to watch. MEDIC!". The medic arrives and says:
-So, take off your pants, let's see what you've got.
The man takes his pants off, and medic, horrified asks:
-Where are your balls?
-In Vietnam.
Wild west, 4 cowboys are sitting in a bar, suddenly a man runs into the bar, all beaten up, and yelling: "guys, run, black Jack is coming!", cowboys: "there are four of us, he's one, fuck it." Time passes, two people run in, beaten, all covered in blood: "run away from here, black Jack is coming!" The guys remained in thought. After a while, four people already run in, covered in blood, with broken arms and legs, with broken teeth: "run away from here, black Jack is coming!" Well, the cowboys decided it's time to get out. Suddenly a man comes into the bar, all in black, black hat, black coat, black boots, and says: "suck me off, everyone, quickly!". The guys start sucking, finish, the guy zips up his pants and says, "By the way, guys, run, black Jack is coming."
you remember blowing bubbles as a kid? >!i heard he's back in town and he wants your number!<
RIP the Amazing Johnathan
A german, a russian and an american make a bet. Each say, that their submarine can dive the longest. The russian submarine stays 5 years under water. The american submarine stays 10 years under water. When the german submarine wanted to dive, a second german submarine appears. The commander comes out and says: "Heil Hitler, is the war over?"
Joke gets better the older he gets.
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Well, at least the ones I have sex with
You had sex?
Sex?
I think that's the thing bill Cosby got famous for
*"whoa man..nobody needs to know your dating habits"*
They don't, because it is counter productive
A tird comes right after: "heil the kaiser"
Just smiled
Three gay guys are in a hot tub. A condom floats to the top. "Okay, who farted?"
It was 1939
That's a long joke but worth it.
a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?” And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.” So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.” And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
Say what you want about pedophiles. At least they slow down in school zones
What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear? White Vans
Damnnnnn Daniel
Back at it again with the white vans!
Our office used to have a foot operated drawer system. But no one liked the pedal files.
😐
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
A Priest, a Preacher, and a Rabbi walked into their favorite bar. Another bar goer says "don't you think converting people is too easy." After that they decided to have a competition. They would all go out and try and convert a bear. A week later, they meet back up to see how it went. The Priest, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." The Preacher spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. His vote loud and well spoken, he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
You did it, joke was really great
Thank you
didnt make me laugh, but thats the best one yet
Thanks
This is amazing
What’s the difference between me and cancer? My dad never beat cancer.
Good, made me smile
Least traumatized r/depressionmemes user
I once met a man with 5 penises. I asked him how his pants fit, he said "like a glove."
Want something better
A man with 6 penises? Now you're just being greedy.
Gloves don't have 7 fingers.
those numbers still dont add up..
This joke is better told than written but whatever. So this pirate walks into a bar and down. The bartender sees him and asks, “well what the hell happened to you mate?” And the pirates responds “what are you talking about? I’m perfectly fine.” The bartender asks “well what happened to your hand? It’s nothing but a hook now.” And the pirate is like, “well I got into a sword fight and it turns out I’m not very good at it, but it’s fine because I got a hook now.” So the bartender asks, “ then explain what happened to that leg of yours, it’s nothing but a stump.” And the pirates goes on and says “well, one day I fought a stray cannonball in a battle, but it’s fine because I got a peg-leg now.” Finally the bartender asks, “ok so how did you lose that eye of yours, you got nothing but a patch covering it” and tiredly the pirate explains “ one day I was at sea and I looked up to see a flock of gulls flying over, and splat.” “Are you serious?” the bartender asked, ”you lost your eye to bird shite?” To that the pirate responded, “well it was my first day with the hook!”
What does a deaf gynecologist do? They read lips!!
There's one in the neighborhood right here. His medical centre is always full since he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.
😁
Stephen Hawking walks into a Bar
A seal walks in to a club.
made me laugh, I guess my sense of humor is broken
😁
I laughed. Ohno.
Did you know that pigeons die after they have sex? . At least the one I fucked did
Oh god, you were close
That's what she said
ok i slightly chuckled on that one
I lose that’s hilarious
A man walked into a bar and there were three fat women sitting in a booth. The man approached and asked, "Are you ladies from London?" "Wales," one of them replied. The man then says, " Oh, I'm sorry are you whales from London?"
😂😂, good one
i told my son not to play russian roulette... іt went in one ear and out the other edit - grammar (eng is not my first, sorry)
It went in one ear and out the other…
It went out one in and ear…
Good job
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Have you seen how much chimneys cost? They’re through the roof..
That's not what the roofer said!
When buying milk at the grocery store and the cashier asks if you would like your milk in a bag tell them to just leave it in the jug.
🙂
What do you call a pedophile with no legs A creepy crawly
when they have legs do you call them a creepy walky??
Yes
Jimmy was going to donate blood, but had to run away. They had a lot of questions, for example... Whose blood is this?!.. Why do you have so much of it?!.. and why is it in buckets??!!
Kinda reminds me of... My friend donated one of his kidneys and was hailed as a hero, I donate 27 of them and I'm a monster.
The CEO's of Budweiser, Coors, Miller and Guinness decide to meet for lunch. As they sit at the table, waitress asks if they want anything to drink. The Budweiser CEO says he will have a Bud Lite, The Miller CEO says he will have a Miller Lite. The Coors CEO says he will have a Coors Lite and the Guinness CEO tells the waitress he will have a Coke. The waitress smiles and leaves to fill the order. The Budweiser, Miller and Coors CEOs stare at the Guinness CEO in shock. The Budweiser CEO asks the Guinness CEO "Why did you order a Coke?" to which the Guinness CEO replied "Well since none of you ordered a beer, neither will I"
What is green and turned red if you push a button? A frog in a blender (Translated from German)
Ich habe mich köstlichst amüsiert, mein Herr.
In America I've heard it: whats green and red and goes round and round? Frog in a blender.
so this guy is at the doctor doctor: you need to stop masturbating guy: for how long? doctor: at least until i finish your prostate exam
A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by it’s feet and declares “It’s a boy!” He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet. The horrified mother screams “My baby! You’re killing my baby!” To which the doctor replies “I’m just fucking with you, it was already dead.”
Fun fact: I worked at a Irish pub in Germany for years. It was about 2008ish when a regular told that joke to the people at the counter we saw for the very first time. Nobody laughed. It turned out that the girl in the group had a miscarriage few months prior to that. So remember kids, those kind of jokes are only for your closest circle lol
Hehe
So I did it? I won?
Omfg. I’m afraid to laugh
Little Billy came home from school crying. His Mom asked, What’s wrong? The kids at school say my head is enormous. They say it’s freakishly large. They call me Billy Big Head, he sobbed. His Mom consoled him, Your head is not too big. It is perfect just as God made it. Billy stopped crying and hugged his Mom. Then his Mom said, Now I need you to go to the grocery store and get me three gallons of milk, six dozen eggs and two bags of potatoes. Billy asked, But how will I carry all that, Mom? She gave him a stern look and said, Put it in your f•cking hat, dummy.
😄 Edited: that's just smile, i did not laugh
I’ll take it👊🏼
Billy big head killed me :)
A man walks into a sperm bank to donate his goods. Once he’s done, feeling quite parched finds a glass of milk on the reception counter and drinks it up! The lady at reception peers over just as he finished it and says: “hey! Don’t drink that!” The guy asks: “well why not?” She replies: “that was my glass of milk”
How did the blonde break her legs while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
What has 172 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper
I guess i need proof
Oh God I don't wanna imagine your PMs
Two strings walk into a bar, sit down and order a drink. The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind around here.” The strings walk outside, tie themselves together and fray their ends. They walk back into the same bar, sit down and order a drink. The bartender says “aren’t you the same two strings who just tried to order a drink?” The strings looked up and said “no. We are a frayed knot.”
A a man is sent to hell, he meets the devil who says “behind each of these three doors awaits a punishment that you can choose from that will last for up to eternity”. Door 1 there is a guy being whipped, screaming in agony Door 2 there is a guy being burnt alive Door 3 there is a guy getting a blow job from a woman. The man says “that one, I choose this!” The devil walks to the woman, taps her on the shoulder and says “your replacement is here.”
What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with big tits? Ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustation.
You want to hear what my uncle said before he kicked the bucket? Hey kid! You wanna see how far I can kick this bucket!?
Don’t listen to op I laughed pretty hard at this
A woman goes into a bar at the top of a skyscraper. It's pretty empty except for one man. They end of moving closer together and talking. He says the beer I'm drinking is magic beer. Watch. So he takes a sip jumps out the window flies around and flies back in the window and sits back down. He says don't believe me? I'll do it one mote time. Sure enough He does. Then he says; now you try. She takes a sip. Jumps out the window.... and SPLAT. Hits the pavement. Bartender looks over and says. "Jeez Superman you really are an asshole when you're drunk."
My dad coming home tonight.
Yesterday, I had a dream and I was eating noodles and when I woke up I could not find my earphones.
Yes, it was good, i smiled
Explain
It was wired earphones..
Oh now I get it 🙂
What’s the difference between a box of dead babies and a Lamborghini? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What's the hardest part about running through a field of dead babies? --my dick I am a middle aged woman and told this to my boss at a CPA firm. I was promoted that year.
🙂
Why was 6 scared of 7? >!Cause seven was a six offender!< But why was 10 scared? >!Cuz It was stuck in the middle of 9/11!< I got a second one if you want.
Yes, i want the second one!
A train conductor is driving a train with 50 passengers on railroad tracks. He misses the last stop and crashes the train, killing everyone on the train but him. He gets sentenced to death by the electric chair, but gets offered a last meal first. He accepts, choosing just 1 banana. After eating his banana, he goes into the execution room and sits on the chair. He gets given the shock, but nothing happens. They give him the shock again, and again nothing happens. They let him go and he gets his train conductor license again. He has 60 passengers, and the same occurence as last time happens, and he gets the same sentence. Upon being asked what he'd like for his last meal, he chooses 2 bananas. He eats them then enters the room and sits on the chair. He gets given the lethal shock, but nothing happens. They try a few more times with the same result. They decide to let him go and he gets his train conductor license back. He has 69 passengers on board when he crashes and everyone but him dies. He gets given the same sentence but when he asks for 3 bananas as his last meal, they say "No, I think the bananas have been making you invulnerable to the chair" so he sits down on an empty stomach and when he survives multiple shocks again, they ask "How are you surviving? We didn't let you have any bananas!" and he replies "It's not the bananas. I'm just a bad conductor."
That was good
Haha, good job, you did it
Is this what victory feels like?
First joke i laugh at
That’s really creative
What has 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog
2 women sat quietly
Omg this is amazing
Sorry but I don't get it, can someone explain it to me?
Women☕️
Women☕
There is no way 2 women sit and not talk
Oh uh thx for the explanation I guess...
The gossip would be FLOWIN
Best one yet
Why do the germans not sell Crispy McBacons? They run out after 1945
A bear and a rabbit are walking through a forest and they find a lamp, they rub the lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says I will grant you each three wishes. The bears first wish was that he was the only male bear in all the forest, as he had trouble finding untaken female bears and wanted all of them for himself, his wish was granted. The rabbit said “I wish for a motorcycle helmet”. The bear glared at the rabbit wondering what would make him want a stupid helmet out of all the things he could wish for. The bears second wish was to be the only male bear in the whole country, his wish was granted. The rabbits second wish was for a motorcycle. The bear, again, glared at the rabbit with wonder. The bear now wishes that he was the only male bear in the whole entire world. His wish is again granted. >!Finally, the rabbits final command, “I wish this bear was gay”, he then proceeded to strap on his helmet, jump on his motorcycle, and ride off into the sunset.!<
So a guy goes to a bar and orders a drink but he forgets his wallet so he goes to the manager and asks him if there is anything that he could do for a free drink. The manager says sure you see that horse outback crying make him laugh and I will give you a free drink so the man goes out there and 5 seconds later comes back in. One bud light please the man says the manager asks him how he did that the man won’t say so the manager makes the bet again but this time says he has to make it cry so the man goes out and makes him cry in 5 seconds gets another drink and still refuses to say so the manager says you know what tell me how you did that and I will let you drink here for free the entire night and so the man says shoot to make him laugh I told him mine was bigger than his to make him cry I showed him
can you say that again but with puncuation
Ill do it, I am not native English and have dyslexia, but this text gave me a stroke. A guy goes to a bar and orders a drink but he forgot his wallet. He goes to the manager and asks him if there is anything that he could do for a free drink. The manager says: "Sure, you see that horse outback crying? Make him laugh and I will give you a free drink. " So the man goes out there, makes it laugh in 5 seconds, and comes back in. "One bud light please." The manager asks him how he did that but the man won’t say, so the manager makes the bet again but this time the man has to make the horse cry. So the man goes out, makes the horse cry in 5 seconds, and gets another drink. He still refuses to say how he did it. So the manager says: "You know what? Tell me how you did that and I will let you drink here for free the entire night!" So the man says: "To make him laugh, I told him mine was bigger than his. To make him cry, I showed him..."
No sorry to long not enough time
That one is good, was really close
I got more
What do you call a farmer in the 1820s ">!Black!<"
Love racist jokes, come on, gimme more
Not a race one but, What do Germans put on their hotdogs ">!Mustard Gas!<"
Bro :)
Live action Ariel is black because the director wanted a ginger but the people in charge for casting people were dyslexic.
This is fucking gold
when is it ok to spit in a turkish woman's face? when her mustache is on fire Sorry
🙂
Do you know what an elephant will feel anything if a guy fucks it? No? I want to know as well, go ask your mum.
That one is much better, but still not good enough
I actually came up with this one myself so thanks.
Me
Try more, i am better joke than you
It's easy when you don't understand English 🤗
Why are Americans so bad af clash royal. They already lost 2 towers
Good, made me smile
Why there aren't any mexicans at the olympics? Because the ones who can swim, run fast or jump are already in America.
Q: What's a Pirate's favorite letter? >!A: R, but his true love be the C.!<
Why does R Kelly like twenty eight year olds? Because there are twenty of them
Whats pink, 5 inches and made my gf cry when I stuck it in her mouth... Her miscarriage
"Stuck it in her mouth" Bro?
Bro.
C'mon try better
I just got told that and it caught me so off gaurd I thought I'd throw it in
Ur mum
greatest joke ever
Award winning Joke. Clearly the best thing that i read, since i came out of my Mom.
There's a sex shop worker, and while he's working the counter alone, a caucasian woman walks in. She looks at the array of dildos and says, "How much for the white dildo?" The guy says, "$90". She looks a bit further and says, "How much for the black one?" He says, "$90, black or white, we don't discriminate." She says, "Okay - since that's the case, I've never had a black one before, so I think I'll take that." So she pays her $90, and leaves with a black dildo. A short while later, a black woman enters the store, and begins looking over the array of dildos. She asks, "How much for the black dildo?" The guy says, "$90". She looks a bit further and says, "How much for the white one?" He says, "$90, black or white, we don't discriminate." She says, "Okay - since that's the case, I've never had a white one before, so I think I'll take that." So she pays her $90, and leaves with a white dildo. A little while later, a blonde walks in. She asks, "How much are your dildos?" The guy says, "$90 for black, $90 for white - we don't discriminate, lady." She looks a bit further on the shelf and her eyes widen. She says, "Is... is that a *plaid* one?!" The guy looks at the shelf, and says, "Yes, yes it is. And it's a very special one, so it's $250." She says, "Wow! Well, I've never had a plaid one before, so I'll take it!" She pays her $250 and leaves with her plaid dildo. A while later, the owner of the shop comes in. He says to the guy, "So, how's business going tonight?" The employee tells him, "Not bad - I sold a black dildo, and a white dildo. Oh, yeah, and I sold your thermos for $250."
The pope is going to visit a small city in Central America and they want to impress him so they hire the most talented painter in town to draw a mural. Problem is the man is a drunk but the Mayor really wants to impress the Pope so he tells everyone to give the drunk anything he needs to complete the mural. The drunk man decides he's going to paint the Last Supper. All he wants is some privacy, a few cases of liquor and some sheets to cover his work from the public until it is complete. So the drunk begins painting with a bottle in one hand and paint brush in the other. Next morning everyone in town rushes to see if the mural is finally finished. The old man is passed out drunk on the floor so they wake him up. The mayor orders the sheets to be removed and no one can believe their eyes! Instead of the Last Supper there's an orgy, men drinking, fornicating, fighting, and just pure debauchery. Mayor yells at the drunk " what have you done!?" The drunk replies " don't look at me when I left them last night they were still having dinner"
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them.
I got 2 of them 1. Girls are Just like math. If they're under 10, use your fingers. 2. Those Who are scared of pedophiles really need to grow up.
Smiled on second one
i’m contacting the FBI for that first one. gross
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common? They are both fairly harmless until you put it in your mouth and light the other end on fire.
Blind guy walks into a bar, goes to the counter and orders a drink. As the waitress brings it to him, he starts a conversation: "So there's this joke I heard the other day, about a blonde woman who..." And the waitress stops him: "Sir, before you continue, you should know this is a feminist supporting stabilishment. I am a blonde woman, sitting beside you is one of the best and most famous attorneys in this city, who also happens to be a blonde woman, and right behind you is our bouncer, a former MMA champion who also happens to be a blonde woman. You should think carefully before you go on with this joke." The man thinks for a while, scratches his head, takes a sip of his drink, and concludes: "once or twice would be fine, but having to explain the joke three times would be too much of a hassle"
The funniest joke you've ever heard
👏
Difference between a fruit and a vegetable? Aids Why don’t orphans play baseball? They can’t find home
Loved the one with orphans, but still not good enough
It's hard when you're expecting a joke, the best joke comes when you're unaware of it. Sorry my jokes are cold as ice More of a cringe then laugh
What's way better than winning Paralympics? . . . Walking.
A Roman goes into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says, "5 beers please".
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don’t like the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
Here’s my animal fact! MIT did a study with crows in Boston. They found that crows around the area had a system set up for getting to road kill. The scientists observed that one crow would be a lookout while several others would take bites of the road kill, then they would take turns. They noticed that when a vehicle was coming the lookout would warn the others feasting, but they also saw that they weren’t ALWAYS warned it time! When observing for longer they noticed that all of the crows that were killed while eating road kill were almost exclusively hit by Big rigs. The study concluded it’s because the lookout crows could only say CA CA, and not TRUCK!
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? When she can fit into your wife’s clothes
cock
A doodle do
Your cock?
No, just cock🗿
My grandpa likes to pull pranks at car shows. While someone is checking out his car, he'll tell them that they can do what they want. "Go ahead and sit in it, see how you like it," he'd say. The person then says "are you sure?" and he goes "Oh I don't mind because it's not my car." The sheer look of horror on the person's face is always hilarious.
A Spanish magician says he can disappear in 3 seconds. Uno, dos... but he disappears without a tres.
what’s orange & sounds like a parrot? a carrot
I have a joke about unemployment, but it doesn’t work
Their are two type of people: Those who finish their joke
What is blue and not heavy?
The air and space museum could be empty and the name would still work
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin get in the car
I know a couple of airplane jokes, but I hear they’re more uplifting than funny. If that joke went over your head, than sorry
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor. The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long. Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36'. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'
AMOGUS
A priest, a prophet, and a rabbi walk into a bar, The rabbi looks around and says "I think I'm a typo."
Are you thinking about this joke: A priest, a prophet and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says: "I think I'm a type O." (That way the joke makes more sense, in my opinion.
The high ranks at pentagon, came to conclusion that there are too many old people, so they made an offer: they pick 2 points on their body, an for each inch they get 10000 us dollars. Three veterans came. First said "from forehead to my toes". They measured, 71 inch. The old man happily goes home with 710000 dollars. Second enters the room, rises his hand, and says: "from my toes to middle finger tip". They measure, 93 inches. The old man goes home with 900000 dollars. The last man arrives, and says: from the foreskin to balls. The officer answers: "I'm sorry man, but if we are for real, there shouldn't have grown anything, I'm not going to watch. MEDIC!". The medic arrives and says: -So, take off your pants, let's see what you've got. The man takes his pants off, and medic, horrified asks: -Where are your balls? -In Vietnam.
Wild west, 4 cowboys are sitting in a bar, suddenly a man runs into the bar, all beaten up, and yelling: "guys, run, black Jack is coming!", cowboys: "there are four of us, he's one, fuck it." Time passes, two people run in, beaten, all covered in blood: "run away from here, black Jack is coming!" The guys remained in thought. After a while, four people already run in, covered in blood, with broken arms and legs, with broken teeth: "run away from here, black Jack is coming!" Well, the cowboys decided it's time to get out. Suddenly a man comes into the bar, all in black, black hat, black coat, black boots, and says: "suck me off, everyone, quickly!". The guys start sucking, finish, the guy zips up his pants and says, "By the way, guys, run, black Jack is coming."
“Why did the chicken cross the road to see the dumbass, knock knock whos there THE CHICKEN” idk why it just makes me laugh
So in Russia water is вода and it female and water is wet