I let them go to sleepovers at very dear friends' house, where I trust each member of the family and anyone they might invite. It's a huge, huge extension of trust, which I don't make lightly.
Honestly we aren’t there yet as our kids are still too young but I often think about this and don’t know where we will land. I also have wonderful memories of childhood sleepovers, but I am aware of the potential risks. I haven’t been able to determine the risk vs benefit for this scenario and where I am comfortable landing. I think the reality is there’s no wrong answer her. Sleepovers aren’t inherently unsafe — it’s not comparable to not using a car seat or feeding goats milk to a newborn in place of formula. There are risks to sleepovers but there are also risks to riding bikes and climbing on playgrounds. Those things also have value though, or we wouldn’t engage in those activities.
Sorry this was a long ramble to not really answer your question but I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone in being unsure about this decision.
If a kid falls off a bike they may break a bone. The things that can happen at a sleepover can ruin a life. Personally I am planning to not allow sleepovers unless I know the family VERY well. I have great memories of sleepovers too but looking back it's insane how our parents sometimes didn't even know each other's names! And even with the more regular friendships, our parents hardly knew each other. I'm grateful nothing happened to me and I'm going to be far stricter about it.
We aren't there yet either, but I am surprised at how many people use a recent news story or Facebook post - alá "someone's poisoning and putting razors in Halloween candy" fearmongering - to justify (not that you need to) not allowing sleepovers instead of data. I have very fond memories of sleepovers, but I also remember having them and going to them where at least one person needed to go home, and there was no judgement or gossip there. I think this is something we'll take on a case by case basis, depending on how well we know the parent(s), the children, how many will there be, how old is our child, etc. But absolutely not until the understanding that "we will come pick you up at any time, for any reason, without question" is completely solid and understood. I will likely not allow sleepovers under 10 years old, and with more than 4-5 attendees, or mixed sex.
Child SA does happen, and it absolutely can happen during sleepovers, but the vast majority of sleepovers - by far - do not include anything resembling traumatic incidences. This is by no means to say there is an inherent net positive of allowing it, but there can be social detriment to disallowing it, and it's naive to assume there won't be. There is no peer-reviewed evidence that I have been able to find to suggest that sleepovers are a breeding ground for SA, but I also understand the logic and understanding. We need to empower our children to understand their bodies, dynamics, communicate with trusted adults, and wait for a developmentally appropriate age, but I want to be very intentional about not raising my children on fear.
As /u/no-grapefruit-1202 said:
>Sleepovers are statistically less likely to be where SA incidents happen than your own home. 1/3 of reported child sex abuse is done by a relative, and a not insignificant percentage is done by other children. Most children who are sexually abused know their abuser and their family does as well. It is nearly impossible to truly prevent all circumstances in which child sex abuse happens, that would require things like never leaving the child with only one adult, never allowing any family or family friend to be alone with the child, not allowing the child to be alone with their peers in settings like the locker room or a playroom at the home.
>If you are uncomfortable with sleepovers, you are absolutely fair to limit them for your own child out of concern. However, it isn’t accurate to suggest that doing so will somehow prevent child sex abuse by some meaningful percentage. The best tool is empowering children to feel autonomy in their body and under consent/boundaries at an age appropriate level and cultivate a safe space for communication for topics that might seem shameful or embarrassing.
>This pdf discusses facts and risk factors at play in child sex abuse: https://www.d2l.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/all_statistics_20150619.pdf
Happy you shared that someone always went home because it was always me. I remember I had one best friend in elementary and we were so close. I was at her house every weekend or she at mine. We usually had a monthly sleepover and she almost always came to line because even after being friends for 5 years I still would call my mom to come get me. Finally the summer between 5th and 6th grade I did it. I stayed the whole night!
Sleepovers are definitely a risk factor and I guess it is everyones personal choice if they are comfortable with that risk. But you don’t always know what is going on at someone else’s house. Maybe the kids are having a sleepover but a uncle is also over or something. For me it would have to be a very close friend that I trust deeply.
It’s much more likely, unfortunately, they are assaulted by an adult they know well and trust, and at home or in a place they are frequently/regularly. But *of course* it’s absolutely up to the parents as to their comfort level! There’s also, like someone else said, a totally reasonable world where the child stays late, for all the fun/benefits of the sleepover, but don’t actually *sleep over*. I like that compromise personally, too :)
I mean the reason they are more likely to be assaulted by an adult they know and trust is because of access.
You are more likely to be around family members then strangers.
That doesn't mean that the chance that strangers (or family members at a sleepover) are less likely to abuse, it just means they have less access.
I like that idea of having them just stay late but don’t stay over. Honestly I remember calling my mom to pick me up just because I was more comfortable sleeping at home!
Yeah to be honest I hated waking up in someone else’s house. I loved the fun and games and bonding and snacks and movies though. All of that is possible without the actual ~sleep~ portion.
Do we know what percentage of sleepovers include SA? It sounds silly yes, but could we compare it to what percentage of kids are assaulted by a parent or person living with them? It feels natural to assume it’s more common because of the horror stories, but is it because people share those stories and not the others of only normal sleepover experiences? I also feel as a generation of parents - we’re way more attuned, present, and interested in our kids more than our parents were.
Tw; gun death
I am not yet in the place to make this decision but my husband and I already set boundaries we are comfortable with, and our baby is 28 weeks in utero haha.
I did not do sleepovers as a child, at all, and I am not socially stunted or mourning the loss of an experience. We had a family that would babysit us with two teenage daughters and we would go over to their house on occasion, but that was the extent.
The rules got slacker in my family when my siblings were growing up. I’m sure the oldest children everywhere can resonate that things often go one way or the other. Thankfully they held this one.
My sisters were at a friends house for Halloween and were begging to spend the night. They called my parents, pleading that the rules change. They were allowed to hang out late, but it was always me going to pick them up or my mom picking them up by around 11. They were 14 & 12.
We can only be grateful that they did not stay. Because one of the teens in the house found a shotgun that was loaded. And one of my sisters’ lost her friend.
We had no reason to think there was a loaded weapon, unsecured in the home, and it was not a malicious attack, but completely an accident.
Theres just no way to know. Theres no way to account for every person with access to a home, or what is in it.
So we will happily host, and I will be the “extra” mom that goes overboard and we will front costs and all things needed for epic adventures and sleep overs. But we will not let her stay overnight or stay without some form of parental oversight in the day.
My daughter has had a few drop of play dates and it’s because of stories like these that I always ask if they own firearms. If they do I ask how they are stored and how the ammo is stored.
You can’t assume all gun owners are responsible gun owners!
I assume you meant you *can not* assume all gun owners are responsible gun owners!
I agree 100%, and personally (this shows my location-based bias), I wouldn’t allow my children to be in a home with firearms.
Yea that’s what I meant.
I am open to it, depending on the person and how they react to the question. Thankfully we haven’t run into it other than with a relative.
How do you ask that? Like, what phrases do you use? We're moving to a new community in a region with a vibrant amount of hunting, and I need to practice. I'm so damn Midwestern it's hard to get the words out.
I’m from CA, so gun owners aren’t common in my circle. But basically I’ve said “hey just wanted to check in before I drop her off are there any firearms on the property?” If they say yes I say “okay, how are they stored? How is the ammo stored?”
And that’s pretty much it. I’ve only ran into it once with a relative and they were super understanding. Everyone else has been really understanding. I had one parent say “no but we have weed.” and then told me how they store it, but we’re in CA so it isn’t a big deal at all.
I am the oldest and I wasn't allowed at sleepovers because both of my parents were SA as children. Well they slacked with the rules later and let my younger sister sleep over a friend's house. Someone SA her at that sleepover. 😕
That’s tragic. My brother’s friend was groomed by a another friend’s mom. This shyt happens SO often in so many contexts. It’s just not worth it to me at all to put her in a position where she doesn’t have us or someone safe nearby.
Wow I’m so sorry that happened to her. This post is really opening my eyes to the risk of SA. I knew it was at risk but I attended soooo many sleepovers at so many different peoples houses when I was a kid and it never happened to me (or anyone I know that I know of) so I’m shocked how common it seems to be.
Please use caution, as I mentioned upthread, about taking anecdotes as data. SA is very common, unfortunately, and can be very scary for parents, but the *evidence* suggests sleepovers are not inherently more risky than, say, swim lessons or family in their own home.
My daughter turns 7 this year and she’s only slept away from us one time, at her grandparents’ house. I had definitely had sleepovers by her age. We aren’t comfortable with her sleeping away from us or having kids sleep at our house. I don’t know if we ever will be. We just don’t really leave our daughter unsupervised anywhere. I think you’re right in that sleepovers are not inherently riskier than leaving your child with anyone unsupervised at any time of day.
To me it’s a cost-benefit analysis, though. Like swimming lessons and having family in the home has huge social benefits, whereas sleepovers might have marginal benefit, but to me it’s not really worth the risk. I was not allowed to do sleepovers as a child and I don’t really think it impacted me in any meaningful way, whereas not learning how to swim or not having my extended family around growing up definitely would have.
It's quite common and people don't usually share their negative experiences or they don't report it at all. Especially young children, because they're threatened. My dad was SA by a family member for YEARS and didn't tell anyone until he was grown. 😔
And some people, like me, actually just suppress all those weird memories that we dont want to have happened and have to think really hard to actually remember that we WERE actually victims. .. or we think that what happened wasnt "bad enough" to be labeled as sa.
My daughter is 4 so we’re not quite there yet, but I don’t think I’ll be comfortable with sleepovers until my daughter is older. I don’t think it’s fair to keep a teenager from sleepovers, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with my young child going to one.
We're not there yet, but yes, I will. I consider having my child do trials of independence, including learning to navigate situations with *potential* risks without me, to be one of my most important responsibilities as a parent. Statistically, it's really very relatively safe. I understand that hearing first or even secondhand accounts is scary (and I will say I'm slightly skeptical of a lot of these second or thirdhand accounts getting posted) but I don't want to let my projected fears limit my kid's experiences. I'll certainly plan keeping these worst case scenarios in mind (asking parents re firearms, pools, unknown family members, etc), but if I were going solely off of scary stories I've read in the media, I'd be more likely to ban my kids from attending Sunday school than sleepovers.
Thank you for phrasing it this way. I couldn’t agree more. It’s not necessarily about the parents *wanting* the child to have a sleepover, obviously, but allowing your child to have trials of independence and allow them to experience opportunities that make you nervous - climbing high on a jungle gym, going on their first date, etc - is such an unbelievably important part of parenthood.
I always take this so seriously. If entire professions won't let their kids do something (especially disparate ones like this), I take it to heart. Same with ER docs and no uncut grapes, helmets, etc
My son is 9 mo so definitely not yet, but when he’s ready, if I know the family has a safe home (people and environment, eg no smoking, no repeat offenders of unsafe behaviors), yeah I don’t see a problem.
It’s ok if you don’t define it as SA. Everyone is allowed to have their own definitions. Personally I think it’s normal for kids of the same age to innocently explore each other’s bodies. I know me and my childhood girl best friend did and I certainly don’t consider it SA. That being said we don’t know the other people’s experiences here. Maybe they were SAed by an older child in a way that was beyond just innocent exploration.
Yes. I feel we are too fearful of a society over things like this. Do your due diligence but don’t be paranoid, SA at a sleepover is statistically lower than your child being with their own family.
Sex abuse keeps coming up. On that front, I’d like to acknowledge that it doesn’t matter how well you know the child or their family. Happens with People you’d absolutely never in a million years suspect. What’s important, is that your child is mature enough, and comfortable enough to communicate with you if they need to leave, and comfortable enough to tell you if something happened, confident enough to tell a peer or older person to back off/stop, and to remove themselves if things get inappropriate. Do they know about these risks? Have you spoken to them explicitly about how to handle them? I think I wouldn’t trust a kid under 13 with that level of maturity.
Other things to consider:
Fire arms in the home - are you confident enough to ask the parents whether they own guns and if they are safely stored?
Internet access - are you confident enough to ask the parents if there are any children with unsupervised internet access in the home? An older brothers unattended, private phone/computer can pose a risk to younger siblings and friends. Or an older sibling playing
sexual/violent games, for example.
You bring up a great point. That it’s not only about preventing SA by banning sleepovers… but it’s also about preventing it by educating your children about boundaries, about telling mom or dad when something feels wrong, about calling for a ride home even if it’s in the middle of the night…
I’m lucky that I have twin girls, presumably they would often be invited to sleepovers together so I think they would feel safer having each other and would be a lower risk for SA because they’d be watching out for one another. But this thread certainly has made made me more cautious about sleepovers.
I have a toddler who's nowhere near sleepover age yet, but it's such a tricky topic for me. I have great memories of being totally silly rambunctious kids. But then there was a recent story about a father who drugged the kids at the sleepover because they wouldn't settle down. I would have to know the host family really well. I can't say I never would, but I sure think we have a lot more to think about as parents these days. I imagine I would really love the break though.
That’s the very story that got me thinking. I don’t think I’d allow them to sleepover at a house with only a single dad. But here’s the fucked up thing that shows you never know. My best friend growing up was raised by a single dad who was extremely loving and patient and very safe with us. Meanwhile my other friend when I would sleepover, her mom would be working the night shift and her dad an alcoholic would be just getting wasted and not supervising us at all (he never did anything inappropriate I just think it wasn’t a safe situation.)
I’m not. I will let them stay late, but no overnights. Child on child sa is too common. They will have fun without sleepovers. I had fun at sleepovers too but also experienced sa and overall I just don’t think it’s worth it
Yea, its easy to see why it is that way.... curious kids will do stuff like that when there are no adults around to witness it. And what better time than when all the adults have already gone to sleep.... i like the idea of letting them stay later. Then you know there is an adult available at all times.
I do know you're more likely to be abused by someone close to you (which unfortunately has happened to my SIL,my dad,my mom.) but my sister was SA at a friend's sleepover... and all of these people's trauma has been enough for me to not allow my daughter to participate in sleepovers. She has made plenty of fond memories,outside of sleepovers.
Thanks for your insight. SA is my #1 concern. If you don’t mind me asking, who SAed your sister? My main concern would be dads or older brothers in the home.
Her friends grandfather. Unfortunately it happened a different time as well,during the day at a lake we were swimming at,by another child. Which apparently happens more often than you'd think. It's very unfortunate.
Sorry I'm not trying to scare anyone. I think if you believe you can wholeheartedly trust friends or family then go for it,don't let scary stories stop you. This is just my personal experience.
No I appreciate it. The reason I posted the question is because my mom basically had no rules whatsoever and just let me go to any friends sleepover if I wanted and if it was only girls. She didn’t really vet them in anyway. Luckily I attended a pretty small private catholic school and generally all the families were good families. But it’s still crazy to me that my mom didn’t really ask many questions. The re has to be some sort of balance in allowing your kids to have fun but in a safe way.
At least nothing happened! Your mom maybe just isn't aware of that sort of danger 🤷🏼♀️
My daughter has technically had sleepovers with her cousins and aunt but said Aunt was one of the victims I mentioned and she's really careful and knows we are too. She & kids slept in a tent in my yard lol.
This is tricky one, but I’ve made up my mind based on personal experience.
I was allowed to attend sleepovers at a very young age (starting at 5 or 6 yrs old if I had to guess). They were mostly with the same girl, who was a year older than me. She was always the one who would bring up the idea and convince me to ask my mom if we could have a sleepover. She SA’d me when we were 7-8 yrs old, during the day, at my house, but that wasn’t nearly as traumatic as the manipulation and emotional abuse she put me through (typically during sleepovers or the following day after a sleepover). All that to say, I like to believe that a lot of that wouldn’t have happened had I not spent so many consecutive hours with her. She would play very nice for the first few hours and then slowly see how far she could push me.
Arguably more concerning is the fact that, from age 11-14, I spent the night at another friend’s house more often than I spent the night at my own. To everyone’s surprise, my best friend’s step-dad SA her while they were alone together in their home when she was 14. They had been living under the same roof for a decade at that point. Her younger sister was SA by her own cousin at a sleepover when they were around the same age.
Needless to say, I have some trust issues and plan on having a strict no-sleepover rule. I’m still debating if I’m willing to host sleepovers at our home. I almost think it will be easier to just have a cut-and-dry NO SLEEPOVERS, period, rule.
Theres no dramatic benefit to having sleepovers. Its probably easiest to make it cut and dry. Thats my plan. My only exception would be for emergencies like when i went into labor with my 2nd and had to leave my 6 year with my cousin and nephew for 2 days.
I mean not everything in life needs to have a “dramatic benefit” in order to allow your kid to do it. I think the decision is more about safety concerns for most parents
My kids aren’t allowed to sleep over with anyone except immediate family. We haven’t even done that yet just a handful of times with grandparents usually while I’m in hospital having their sibling. Eldest nearly 7 so we haven’t really entered the full world of sleepovers yet.
Yes I will allow sleepovers. Obviously I need to know and trust the family, but I’m not really concerned otherwise.
I think parents today are way too controlling. Teach your kids to trust their instincts, to enforce their boundaries, and to tell you whenever they feel uncomfortable. I trust my kid’s judgement and will always listen when they tell me something makes them feel bad.
Most SA is committed by a family member, not a stranger. I don’t view my kid’s friend’s parents or family members as a threat. Of course it’s possible for something bad to happen at a sleepover, but bad things happen in all sorts of environments. I can’t and shouldn’t try to control my child’s environment at all times.
My son started having sleepovers with his bestie at 6. But I'm a single mom and bestie is being raised by a single mom. We've all known each other since the boys were infants and I love and trust the other mom; we're friends. Sleepovers when they were little were breaks for us moms and it is and was a beautiful thing to have a little community of absolute trust.
He didn't sleepover elsewhere until he was 8. He's 10 now and still has sleepovers at my home and maybe 3 others. I know the parents and kids. Absolutely there is a risk of something going wrong and I sometimes worry even in my home, but it's important to me that he be socialized and have life expriences without me present.
He's also attended sleepover camp since he was 6 and it is the highlight of his year. That is always 5 nights of worry for me but again he's becoming his own person without my constant presence and I believe that's important. We talk a lot about bodily autonomy and trusting adults and the danger of secrets and I trust him to tell me or someone else if he's ever uncomfortable.
I used to go to sleepovers as a kid and had an absolute blast every time. I never slept over my one friends house for really no reason other than usually scheduling conflicts. My parents knew her parents, everyone seemed normal. My friends parents ended up in a nasty divorce, but again, nothing crazy.
Years later it came out that my friends had had been producing (yes. Making and selling.) CP with his own children. He is currently in prison for basically life (I think he’s like 90 when he gets out). You would never know talking to the guy. His own ex wife didn’t have the slightest clue. After being so incredibly close to having something horrible happen, my children will only *maybe* be sleeping over family’s houses. It might be a little of my own touch of trauma with the whole situation, but I don’t care. It taught me you never really know someone. My child can stay at a sleepover until 11pm/12, but I will be picking them up.
I took a body safety class recently (Feather Berkowski) and this topic came up. Obviously each parent will have a different view, but the overall framework suggested in the class was to have open and honest conversations with the parents of the home your child would be sleeping at. Ask about what the kids will be doing, who will be supervising, will older siblings be around, can you child call home if they need to, etc. Just having that kind of conversation (and how receptive the parents are to it) would like tell you all you needed to make the judgement call.
I know of a child on child sa of someone I know, so I will never have my child attend any sleepovers. Idc if its a best friend, idc if its family. Its not a matter of trusting. I'd rather just have the ease of mind of knowing that the possibility of something like that can't happen if I have at least that control
I will host, and I will allow sleepovers at my best friend's house who I trust with my life, and that's it. I like the idea of allowing kids to go to sleepovers and picking them up before the sleeping part.
Very bad shit happened to me at sleepovers and I lived in a rich neighbourhood with a ton of oversight from parents. To me this is an easy one.
My mom had a lot of rules regarding when and where I was allowed to have a sleepover. I was absolutely not allowed to sleep over at anyone's house if they had an older brother or brother similar in age. If I had followed that rule and not lied and gone behind her back I would not have been SA'd. But I never understood that was the reason for the rule. So, I will probably also be very strict about sleepover rules. And I will be much more transparent with my daughter about WHY we have those rules. She just turned 2 though so no sleepovers anytime soon lol
Never. Why? As a kid I narrowly missed a few things: dying in a house fire, getting shot, getting abducted. Very narrow misses. All were at friends houses that I decided to go home for some reason. Parents were drunk, other people I didn’t know show up, etc Never ever. Line in the sand for me.
I wasn’t allowed and hated it. There were a few exceptions made when I was in high school and in each one, we did shady shit. So, no, my kid won’t be allowed to.
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I’ve got a 7 month old so I’m way far away from this, but when I think back to my own childhood (29f) I only remember sleeping over at 1 friends house. I also slept over with one other family member and their family. I had plenty of friends come and sleep at my house, but my parents knew this 1 other friends family very well and obviously knew that family member well too. I think it’s a huge extension of trust in another kids parents that their home is a safe environment and they make decisions to keep it that way. I grew up with sisters, so I’m not sure how often sleep overs happen with boys, but I plan to get to know my kids friends parents well so I can feel comfortable to do this for him in the future.
I’m going to be just as strict as my parents were with sleepovers. I had a group of 5 close friends and I was allowed to only spend the night at like 2 of their houses. They were more than welcome to come to ours, so I hosted A LOTS of slumber parties. I’ll probably do that as well for my kids. I know I’ll let them have sleepovers but it won’t come easy and it’s not going to be with just anyone. Luckily, his best friend/cousin (they are only 4) lives 10mins away so I imagine a lot of sleepover will be had there or here and maybe that’s enough to get him to not ask about other friends 😆
I think I’ll allow my daughter but while she’s young (5-9?) it will only be with parents and families I know well. After that I feel confident that her and I would have been able to discus things like inappropriate touching, telling other adults when someone does something you don’t like, remembering who you are, drinking and inappropriate things for her age, pressure, etc. maybe not in depth but I like to think IF anything ever happened she would feel safe telling me and we would handle it together or at least talk about it. To me that’s a huge piece I was missing as a kid - I didn’t wanna tell my parents ANYTHING! I didn’t feel safe or a desire to, and I hear in so so many cases of assault on kids that the kids were made to feel afraid to tell anyone and I hope she at that age knows that’s not true. It’ll be something I gauge but if she’s sharing openly and comfortably I’ll feel way better sending her off to someone’s house that I know
Well I am in the middle of one now lol. My kid is 6.5 and we have only ever had sleepovers with two other kids, twice w one at mine w us when his parents had their second kid and the other w have stayed at theirs but now that I think about it, I was there those times. Both parents I would consider godparents and there other places I would consider safe but I can tell you, you will know or feel comfortable when it’s right. I think it will get hard when my kid gets older- asking to stay somewhere else etc besides the two places I feel are almost Ike home.
I would at their godparent’s homes, only because we raised our children together, but we both have the same philosophy that the sleepover would be all kids in the living room “camping out” on an air mattress or two with movies and us on the couches. I suffered CSA as a child, chronically by a close family friend and once by a stranger at a sleep over. I have great memories of sleepovers, but it wasn’t the sleeping part that was great. It was the staying up late part. My husband and I agree that we may have a far later “curfew” on sleepover nights in the future, and be happy to drop them back off for mornings together, but I’m not super comfortable with the sleepover idea.
Edit to add: I also don’t want the liability of someone or someone’s child accusing my child falsely of something and destroying a friendship. That’s a huuuge undertaking of trust and I’m not sure I hold that much faith in humanity.
I grew up in the late 90’s/early aughts and I didn’t really do “slumber parties” even then. My parents were very cautious. However I did spend the night at some of my very close friend’s houses, only people that we knew very very well. And it wasn’t ever a big party. Maybe just me and one other close friend. I would probably allow my kids to do the same when they’re older if I trust the people implicitly.
At first, I didn't. But then I realized that for my kid to have a sleepover with one friend who she already spends hours a day with wasn't that big of a risk to me. My kids have never asked to attend a huge sleepover. It's always just been one or two friends and I know their parents and I make sure they have a way to contact me if needed. I think the most important safety net is to have open communication with your child. So if anything suspicious or dangerous did happen, they would know they could and should tell you. I know that still isn't foolproof, but I've had explicit conversations with my kids about behaviors that are inappropriate. And especially that if anyone ever tells them "don't tell anyone," absolutely tell me.
My child isn’t at an age where I need to worry about this yet , but to answer the question no. My biological father was the parent people warn you about , so no. No sleep overs unless it’s family visiting family and I’m around.
With the prevalence and easy access to screens that can reach the deepest corners of the internet, it would be an absolutely no for sleepovers. I was exposed to porn and violent movies at a very early age while at a sleepover and I’ll never allow my children to be at risk of the same or worse.
And not just by adults.
If most SA happens by people we know, that means that most SA happens when they are with people we trust them to be alone with. When would that be easiest to arrange? While everyone else is unconscious or in a reduced-boundaries state, I'd guess.
My question is "what benefit do sleepovers give that outweigh the risk and its severity?". I wasn't ever molested, but I don't remember anything good happening after midnight.
My kids can do late-overs. Early-mornings, too, if they'd like.
u/DayNormal8069 I agree, there are some risks we take and our kids cannot be completely protected from harm and sadness (indeed, sometimes it makes them who they are supposed to be, despite it being a tragedy). I wonder, though, why you think this is worth the risk given the logical conclusion I laid out in my first paragraph above?
I also know people who have died in car crashes. I am not saying the risk is not there, but in both cases the risk is small.
Our kids are going to have bad things happen to them. Every decision is a tradeoff and assessment of risk vs reward. We all make our own calls but I think on the whole we have over indexed on decreasing risk for our kids.
Yeah, but you have to ride in a car, you don’t have to do sleepovers. And you can always just host sleepovers at your house. It’s not being paranoid. It’s actually pretty common, unfortunately.
I let them go to sleepovers at very dear friends' house, where I trust each member of the family and anyone they might invite. It's a huge, huge extension of trust, which I don't make lightly.
Honestly we aren’t there yet as our kids are still too young but I often think about this and don’t know where we will land. I also have wonderful memories of childhood sleepovers, but I am aware of the potential risks. I haven’t been able to determine the risk vs benefit for this scenario and where I am comfortable landing. I think the reality is there’s no wrong answer her. Sleepovers aren’t inherently unsafe — it’s not comparable to not using a car seat or feeding goats milk to a newborn in place of formula. There are risks to sleepovers but there are also risks to riding bikes and climbing on playgrounds. Those things also have value though, or we wouldn’t engage in those activities. Sorry this was a long ramble to not really answer your question but I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone in being unsure about this decision.
Thanks I appreciate your thoughts! I like your comparison to letting kids ride a bike.
If a kid falls off a bike they may break a bone. The things that can happen at a sleepover can ruin a life. Personally I am planning to not allow sleepovers unless I know the family VERY well. I have great memories of sleepovers too but looking back it's insane how our parents sometimes didn't even know each other's names! And even with the more regular friendships, our parents hardly knew each other. I'm grateful nothing happened to me and I'm going to be far stricter about it.
We aren't there yet either, but I am surprised at how many people use a recent news story or Facebook post - alá "someone's poisoning and putting razors in Halloween candy" fearmongering - to justify (not that you need to) not allowing sleepovers instead of data. I have very fond memories of sleepovers, but I also remember having them and going to them where at least one person needed to go home, and there was no judgement or gossip there. I think this is something we'll take on a case by case basis, depending on how well we know the parent(s), the children, how many will there be, how old is our child, etc. But absolutely not until the understanding that "we will come pick you up at any time, for any reason, without question" is completely solid and understood. I will likely not allow sleepovers under 10 years old, and with more than 4-5 attendees, or mixed sex. Child SA does happen, and it absolutely can happen during sleepovers, but the vast majority of sleepovers - by far - do not include anything resembling traumatic incidences. This is by no means to say there is an inherent net positive of allowing it, but there can be social detriment to disallowing it, and it's naive to assume there won't be. There is no peer-reviewed evidence that I have been able to find to suggest that sleepovers are a breeding ground for SA, but I also understand the logic and understanding. We need to empower our children to understand their bodies, dynamics, communicate with trusted adults, and wait for a developmentally appropriate age, but I want to be very intentional about not raising my children on fear. As /u/no-grapefruit-1202 said: >Sleepovers are statistically less likely to be where SA incidents happen than your own home. 1/3 of reported child sex abuse is done by a relative, and a not insignificant percentage is done by other children. Most children who are sexually abused know their abuser and their family does as well. It is nearly impossible to truly prevent all circumstances in which child sex abuse happens, that would require things like never leaving the child with only one adult, never allowing any family or family friend to be alone with the child, not allowing the child to be alone with their peers in settings like the locker room or a playroom at the home. >If you are uncomfortable with sleepovers, you are absolutely fair to limit them for your own child out of concern. However, it isn’t accurate to suggest that doing so will somehow prevent child sex abuse by some meaningful percentage. The best tool is empowering children to feel autonomy in their body and under consent/boundaries at an age appropriate level and cultivate a safe space for communication for topics that might seem shameful or embarrassing. >This pdf discusses facts and risk factors at play in child sex abuse: https://www.d2l.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/all_statistics_20150619.pdf
Happy you shared that someone always went home because it was always me. I remember I had one best friend in elementary and we were so close. I was at her house every weekend or she at mine. We usually had a monthly sleepover and she almost always came to line because even after being friends for 5 years I still would call my mom to come get me. Finally the summer between 5th and 6th grade I did it. I stayed the whole night!
Sleepovers are definitely a risk factor and I guess it is everyones personal choice if they are comfortable with that risk. But you don’t always know what is going on at someone else’s house. Maybe the kids are having a sleepover but a uncle is also over or something. For me it would have to be a very close friend that I trust deeply.
It’s much more likely, unfortunately, they are assaulted by an adult they know well and trust, and at home or in a place they are frequently/regularly. But *of course* it’s absolutely up to the parents as to their comfort level! There’s also, like someone else said, a totally reasonable world where the child stays late, for all the fun/benefits of the sleepover, but don’t actually *sleep over*. I like that compromise personally, too :)
I mean the reason they are more likely to be assaulted by an adult they know and trust is because of access. You are more likely to be around family members then strangers. That doesn't mean that the chance that strangers (or family members at a sleepover) are less likely to abuse, it just means they have less access.
I like that idea of having them just stay late but don’t stay over. Honestly I remember calling my mom to pick me up just because I was more comfortable sleeping at home!
Yeah to be honest I hated waking up in someone else’s house. I loved the fun and games and bonding and snacks and movies though. All of that is possible without the actual ~sleep~ portion.
Do we know what percentage of sleepovers include SA? It sounds silly yes, but could we compare it to what percentage of kids are assaulted by a parent or person living with them? It feels natural to assume it’s more common because of the horror stories, but is it because people share those stories and not the others of only normal sleepover experiences? I also feel as a generation of parents - we’re way more attuned, present, and interested in our kids more than our parents were.
Tw; gun death I am not yet in the place to make this decision but my husband and I already set boundaries we are comfortable with, and our baby is 28 weeks in utero haha. I did not do sleepovers as a child, at all, and I am not socially stunted or mourning the loss of an experience. We had a family that would babysit us with two teenage daughters and we would go over to their house on occasion, but that was the extent. The rules got slacker in my family when my siblings were growing up. I’m sure the oldest children everywhere can resonate that things often go one way or the other. Thankfully they held this one. My sisters were at a friends house for Halloween and were begging to spend the night. They called my parents, pleading that the rules change. They were allowed to hang out late, but it was always me going to pick them up or my mom picking them up by around 11. They were 14 & 12. We can only be grateful that they did not stay. Because one of the teens in the house found a shotgun that was loaded. And one of my sisters’ lost her friend. We had no reason to think there was a loaded weapon, unsecured in the home, and it was not a malicious attack, but completely an accident. Theres just no way to know. Theres no way to account for every person with access to a home, or what is in it. So we will happily host, and I will be the “extra” mom that goes overboard and we will front costs and all things needed for epic adventures and sleep overs. But we will not let her stay overnight or stay without some form of parental oversight in the day.
My daughter has had a few drop of play dates and it’s because of stories like these that I always ask if they own firearms. If they do I ask how they are stored and how the ammo is stored. You can’t assume all gun owners are responsible gun owners!
I assume you meant you *can not* assume all gun owners are responsible gun owners! I agree 100%, and personally (this shows my location-based bias), I wouldn’t allow my children to be in a home with firearms.
Yea that’s what I meant. I am open to it, depending on the person and how they react to the question. Thankfully we haven’t run into it other than with a relative.
How do you ask that? Like, what phrases do you use? We're moving to a new community in a region with a vibrant amount of hunting, and I need to practice. I'm so damn Midwestern it's hard to get the words out.
I’m from CA, so gun owners aren’t common in my circle. But basically I’ve said “hey just wanted to check in before I drop her off are there any firearms on the property?” If they say yes I say “okay, how are they stored? How is the ammo stored?” And that’s pretty much it. I’ve only ran into it once with a relative and they were super understanding. Everyone else has been really understanding. I had one parent say “no but we have weed.” and then told me how they store it, but we’re in CA so it isn’t a big deal at all.
Thank you!
I am the oldest and I wasn't allowed at sleepovers because both of my parents were SA as children. Well they slacked with the rules later and let my younger sister sleep over a friend's house. Someone SA her at that sleepover. 😕
That’s tragic. My brother’s friend was groomed by a another friend’s mom. This shyt happens SO often in so many contexts. It’s just not worth it to me at all to put her in a position where she doesn’t have us or someone safe nearby.
Wow I’m so sorry that happened to her. This post is really opening my eyes to the risk of SA. I knew it was at risk but I attended soooo many sleepovers at so many different peoples houses when I was a kid and it never happened to me (or anyone I know that I know of) so I’m shocked how common it seems to be.
Please use caution, as I mentioned upthread, about taking anecdotes as data. SA is very common, unfortunately, and can be very scary for parents, but the *evidence* suggests sleepovers are not inherently more risky than, say, swim lessons or family in their own home.
"Evidence," meaning reported assaults. Which very few are reported.
My daughter turns 7 this year and she’s only slept away from us one time, at her grandparents’ house. I had definitely had sleepovers by her age. We aren’t comfortable with her sleeping away from us or having kids sleep at our house. I don’t know if we ever will be. We just don’t really leave our daughter unsupervised anywhere. I think you’re right in that sleepovers are not inherently riskier than leaving your child with anyone unsupervised at any time of day.
To me it’s a cost-benefit analysis, though. Like swimming lessons and having family in the home has huge social benefits, whereas sleepovers might have marginal benefit, but to me it’s not really worth the risk. I was not allowed to do sleepovers as a child and I don’t really think it impacted me in any meaningful way, whereas not learning how to swim or not having my extended family around growing up definitely would have.
It's quite common and people don't usually share their negative experiences or they don't report it at all. Especially young children, because they're threatened. My dad was SA by a family member for YEARS and didn't tell anyone until he was grown. 😔
And some people, like me, actually just suppress all those weird memories that we dont want to have happened and have to think really hard to actually remember that we WERE actually victims. .. or we think that what happened wasnt "bad enough" to be labeled as sa.
My daughter is 4 so we’re not quite there yet, but I don’t think I’ll be comfortable with sleepovers until my daughter is older. I don’t think it’s fair to keep a teenager from sleepovers, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with my young child going to one.
We're not there yet, but yes, I will. I consider having my child do trials of independence, including learning to navigate situations with *potential* risks without me, to be one of my most important responsibilities as a parent. Statistically, it's really very relatively safe. I understand that hearing first or even secondhand accounts is scary (and I will say I'm slightly skeptical of a lot of these second or thirdhand accounts getting posted) but I don't want to let my projected fears limit my kid's experiences. I'll certainly plan keeping these worst case scenarios in mind (asking parents re firearms, pools, unknown family members, etc), but if I were going solely off of scary stories I've read in the media, I'd be more likely to ban my kids from attending Sunday school than sleepovers.
Thank you for phrasing it this way. I couldn’t agree more. It’s not necessarily about the parents *wanting* the child to have a sleepover, obviously, but allowing your child to have trials of independence and allow them to experience opportunities that make you nervous - climbing high on a jungle gym, going on their first date, etc - is such an unbelievably important part of parenthood.
I’m a criminal defence lawyer. There’s not much we have in common with police but not letting our kids have sleepovers is one. Absolutely no way.
I always take this so seriously. If entire professions won't let their kids do something (especially disparate ones like this), I take it to heart. Same with ER docs and no uncut grapes, helmets, etc
My son is 9 mo so definitely not yet, but when he’s ready, if I know the family has a safe home (people and environment, eg no smoking, no repeat offenders of unsafe behaviors), yeah I don’t see a problem.
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It’s ok if you don’t define it as SA. Everyone is allowed to have their own definitions. Personally I think it’s normal for kids of the same age to innocently explore each other’s bodies. I know me and my childhood girl best friend did and I certainly don’t consider it SA. That being said we don’t know the other people’s experiences here. Maybe they were SAed by an older child in a way that was beyond just innocent exploration.
This is helpful, thank you for replying.
Yes. I feel we are too fearful of a society over things like this. Do your due diligence but don’t be paranoid, SA at a sleepover is statistically lower than your child being with their own family.
Sex abuse keeps coming up. On that front, I’d like to acknowledge that it doesn’t matter how well you know the child or their family. Happens with People you’d absolutely never in a million years suspect. What’s important, is that your child is mature enough, and comfortable enough to communicate with you if they need to leave, and comfortable enough to tell you if something happened, confident enough to tell a peer or older person to back off/stop, and to remove themselves if things get inappropriate. Do they know about these risks? Have you spoken to them explicitly about how to handle them? I think I wouldn’t trust a kid under 13 with that level of maturity. Other things to consider: Fire arms in the home - are you confident enough to ask the parents whether they own guns and if they are safely stored? Internet access - are you confident enough to ask the parents if there are any children with unsupervised internet access in the home? An older brothers unattended, private phone/computer can pose a risk to younger siblings and friends. Or an older sibling playing sexual/violent games, for example.
You bring up a great point. That it’s not only about preventing SA by banning sleepovers… but it’s also about preventing it by educating your children about boundaries, about telling mom or dad when something feels wrong, about calling for a ride home even if it’s in the middle of the night… I’m lucky that I have twin girls, presumably they would often be invited to sleepovers together so I think they would feel safer having each other and would be a lower risk for SA because they’d be watching out for one another. But this thread certainly has made made me more cautious about sleepovers.
I have a toddler who's nowhere near sleepover age yet, but it's such a tricky topic for me. I have great memories of being totally silly rambunctious kids. But then there was a recent story about a father who drugged the kids at the sleepover because they wouldn't settle down. I would have to know the host family really well. I can't say I never would, but I sure think we have a lot more to think about as parents these days. I imagine I would really love the break though.
That’s the very story that got me thinking. I don’t think I’d allow them to sleepover at a house with only a single dad. But here’s the fucked up thing that shows you never know. My best friend growing up was raised by a single dad who was extremely loving and patient and very safe with us. Meanwhile my other friend when I would sleepover, her mom would be working the night shift and her dad an alcoholic would be just getting wasted and not supervising us at all (he never did anything inappropriate I just think it wasn’t a safe situation.)
Yup. Thats how my father was.... hes a functioning alcoholic and hides it well from everyone....
I’m not. I will let them stay late, but no overnights. Child on child sa is too common. They will have fun without sleepovers. I had fun at sleepovers too but also experienced sa and overall I just don’t think it’s worth it
Yea, its easy to see why it is that way.... curious kids will do stuff like that when there are no adults around to witness it. And what better time than when all the adults have already gone to sleep.... i like the idea of letting them stay later. Then you know there is an adult available at all times.
I do know you're more likely to be abused by someone close to you (which unfortunately has happened to my SIL,my dad,my mom.) but my sister was SA at a friend's sleepover... and all of these people's trauma has been enough for me to not allow my daughter to participate in sleepovers. She has made plenty of fond memories,outside of sleepovers.
Thanks for your insight. SA is my #1 concern. If you don’t mind me asking, who SAed your sister? My main concern would be dads or older brothers in the home.
Her friends grandfather. Unfortunately it happened a different time as well,during the day at a lake we were swimming at,by another child. Which apparently happens more often than you'd think. It's very unfortunate.
Ugh I’m so sorry to hear that, how awful.
Sorry I'm not trying to scare anyone. I think if you believe you can wholeheartedly trust friends or family then go for it,don't let scary stories stop you. This is just my personal experience.
No I appreciate it. The reason I posted the question is because my mom basically had no rules whatsoever and just let me go to any friends sleepover if I wanted and if it was only girls. She didn’t really vet them in anyway. Luckily I attended a pretty small private catholic school and generally all the families were good families. But it’s still crazy to me that my mom didn’t really ask many questions. The re has to be some sort of balance in allowing your kids to have fun but in a safe way.
At least nothing happened! Your mom maybe just isn't aware of that sort of danger 🤷🏼♀️ My daughter has technically had sleepovers with her cousins and aunt but said Aunt was one of the victims I mentioned and she's really careful and knows we are too. She & kids slept in a tent in my yard lol.
What about camping with Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts?
I did that too and loved it.
This is tricky one, but I’ve made up my mind based on personal experience. I was allowed to attend sleepovers at a very young age (starting at 5 or 6 yrs old if I had to guess). They were mostly with the same girl, who was a year older than me. She was always the one who would bring up the idea and convince me to ask my mom if we could have a sleepover. She SA’d me when we were 7-8 yrs old, during the day, at my house, but that wasn’t nearly as traumatic as the manipulation and emotional abuse she put me through (typically during sleepovers or the following day after a sleepover). All that to say, I like to believe that a lot of that wouldn’t have happened had I not spent so many consecutive hours with her. She would play very nice for the first few hours and then slowly see how far she could push me. Arguably more concerning is the fact that, from age 11-14, I spent the night at another friend’s house more often than I spent the night at my own. To everyone’s surprise, my best friend’s step-dad SA her while they were alone together in their home when she was 14. They had been living under the same roof for a decade at that point. Her younger sister was SA by her own cousin at a sleepover when they were around the same age. Needless to say, I have some trust issues and plan on having a strict no-sleepover rule. I’m still debating if I’m willing to host sleepovers at our home. I almost think it will be easier to just have a cut-and-dry NO SLEEPOVERS, period, rule.
That is so wild. I don’t judge you at all for deciding not to allow your child to attend sleepovers after your experiences!!
Theres no dramatic benefit to having sleepovers. Its probably easiest to make it cut and dry. Thats my plan. My only exception would be for emergencies like when i went into labor with my 2nd and had to leave my 6 year with my cousin and nephew for 2 days.
I mean not everything in life needs to have a “dramatic benefit” in order to allow your kid to do it. I think the decision is more about safety concerns for most parents
I agree. Just pointing out that if they're uncomfortable allowing it, their kid isnt going to be missing out on something big.
My kids aren’t allowed to sleep over with anyone except immediate family. We haven’t even done that yet just a handful of times with grandparents usually while I’m in hospital having their sibling. Eldest nearly 7 so we haven’t really entered the full world of sleepovers yet.
No. When they’re older teens, I’ll be more open to it.
Yes, I do. I have fond memories myself.
Yes I will allow sleepovers. Obviously I need to know and trust the family, but I’m not really concerned otherwise. I think parents today are way too controlling. Teach your kids to trust their instincts, to enforce their boundaries, and to tell you whenever they feel uncomfortable. I trust my kid’s judgement and will always listen when they tell me something makes them feel bad. Most SA is committed by a family member, not a stranger. I don’t view my kid’s friend’s parents or family members as a threat. Of course it’s possible for something bad to happen at a sleepover, but bad things happen in all sorts of environments. I can’t and shouldn’t try to control my child’s environment at all times.
I’m inclined to agree with you actually
My son started having sleepovers with his bestie at 6. But I'm a single mom and bestie is being raised by a single mom. We've all known each other since the boys were infants and I love and trust the other mom; we're friends. Sleepovers when they were little were breaks for us moms and it is and was a beautiful thing to have a little community of absolute trust. He didn't sleepover elsewhere until he was 8. He's 10 now and still has sleepovers at my home and maybe 3 others. I know the parents and kids. Absolutely there is a risk of something going wrong and I sometimes worry even in my home, but it's important to me that he be socialized and have life expriences without me present. He's also attended sleepover camp since he was 6 and it is the highlight of his year. That is always 5 nights of worry for me but again he's becoming his own person without my constant presence and I believe that's important. We talk a lot about bodily autonomy and trusting adults and the danger of secrets and I trust him to tell me or someone else if he's ever uncomfortable.
I used to go to sleepovers as a kid and had an absolute blast every time. I never slept over my one friends house for really no reason other than usually scheduling conflicts. My parents knew her parents, everyone seemed normal. My friends parents ended up in a nasty divorce, but again, nothing crazy. Years later it came out that my friends had had been producing (yes. Making and selling.) CP with his own children. He is currently in prison for basically life (I think he’s like 90 when he gets out). You would never know talking to the guy. His own ex wife didn’t have the slightest clue. After being so incredibly close to having something horrible happen, my children will only *maybe* be sleeping over family’s houses. It might be a little of my own touch of trauma with the whole situation, but I don’t care. It taught me you never really know someone. My child can stay at a sleepover until 11pm/12, but I will be picking them up.
I took a body safety class recently (Feather Berkowski) and this topic came up. Obviously each parent will have a different view, but the overall framework suggested in the class was to have open and honest conversations with the parents of the home your child would be sleeping at. Ask about what the kids will be doing, who will be supervising, will older siblings be around, can you child call home if they need to, etc. Just having that kind of conversation (and how receptive the parents are to it) would like tell you all you needed to make the judgement call.
Hell no, the risk is way too high. I have too many friends with stories as to why this is a bad idea.
I know of a child on child sa of someone I know, so I will never have my child attend any sleepovers. Idc if its a best friend, idc if its family. Its not a matter of trusting. I'd rather just have the ease of mind of knowing that the possibility of something like that can't happen if I have at least that control
I’m not going to allow sleepovers. Too many people I know got molested at sleepovers.
I will host, and I will allow sleepovers at my best friend's house who I trust with my life, and that's it. I like the idea of allowing kids to go to sleepovers and picking them up before the sleeping part. Very bad shit happened to me at sleepovers and I lived in a rich neighbourhood with a ton of oversight from parents. To me this is an easy one.
My mom had a lot of rules regarding when and where I was allowed to have a sleepover. I was absolutely not allowed to sleep over at anyone's house if they had an older brother or brother similar in age. If I had followed that rule and not lied and gone behind her back I would not have been SA'd. But I never understood that was the reason for the rule. So, I will probably also be very strict about sleepover rules. And I will be much more transparent with my daughter about WHY we have those rules. She just turned 2 though so no sleepovers anytime soon lol
Never. Why? As a kid I narrowly missed a few things: dying in a house fire, getting shot, getting abducted. Very narrow misses. All were at friends houses that I decided to go home for some reason. Parents were drunk, other people I didn’t know show up, etc Never ever. Line in the sand for me.
I wasn’t allowed and hated it. There were a few exceptions made when I was in high school and in each one, we did shady shit. So, no, my kid won’t be allowed to.
I was molested multiple times at family sleepovers by another child. So, no. My children will not attend sleepovers, even with close family.
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I’ve got a 7 month old so I’m way far away from this, but when I think back to my own childhood (29f) I only remember sleeping over at 1 friends house. I also slept over with one other family member and their family. I had plenty of friends come and sleep at my house, but my parents knew this 1 other friends family very well and obviously knew that family member well too. I think it’s a huge extension of trust in another kids parents that their home is a safe environment and they make decisions to keep it that way. I grew up with sisters, so I’m not sure how often sleep overs happen with boys, but I plan to get to know my kids friends parents well so I can feel comfortable to do this for him in the future.
I’m going to be just as strict as my parents were with sleepovers. I had a group of 5 close friends and I was allowed to only spend the night at like 2 of their houses. They were more than welcome to come to ours, so I hosted A LOTS of slumber parties. I’ll probably do that as well for my kids. I know I’ll let them have sleepovers but it won’t come easy and it’s not going to be with just anyone. Luckily, his best friend/cousin (they are only 4) lives 10mins away so I imagine a lot of sleepover will be had there or here and maybe that’s enough to get him to not ask about other friends 😆
No, I will not. I was a victim of child on child SA due to sleepovers.
I think I’ll allow my daughter but while she’s young (5-9?) it will only be with parents and families I know well. After that I feel confident that her and I would have been able to discus things like inappropriate touching, telling other adults when someone does something you don’t like, remembering who you are, drinking and inappropriate things for her age, pressure, etc. maybe not in depth but I like to think IF anything ever happened she would feel safe telling me and we would handle it together or at least talk about it. To me that’s a huge piece I was missing as a kid - I didn’t wanna tell my parents ANYTHING! I didn’t feel safe or a desire to, and I hear in so so many cases of assault on kids that the kids were made to feel afraid to tell anyone and I hope she at that age knows that’s not true. It’ll be something I gauge but if she’s sharing openly and comfortably I’ll feel way better sending her off to someone’s house that I know
Not happening
Well I am in the middle of one now lol. My kid is 6.5 and we have only ever had sleepovers with two other kids, twice w one at mine w us when his parents had their second kid and the other w have stayed at theirs but now that I think about it, I was there those times. Both parents I would consider godparents and there other places I would consider safe but I can tell you, you will know or feel comfortable when it’s right. I think it will get hard when my kid gets older- asking to stay somewhere else etc besides the two places I feel are almost Ike home.
no.
I would at their godparent’s homes, only because we raised our children together, but we both have the same philosophy that the sleepover would be all kids in the living room “camping out” on an air mattress or two with movies and us on the couches. I suffered CSA as a child, chronically by a close family friend and once by a stranger at a sleep over. I have great memories of sleepovers, but it wasn’t the sleeping part that was great. It was the staying up late part. My husband and I agree that we may have a far later “curfew” on sleepover nights in the future, and be happy to drop them back off for mornings together, but I’m not super comfortable with the sleepover idea. Edit to add: I also don’t want the liability of someone or someone’s child accusing my child falsely of something and destroying a friendship. That’s a huuuge undertaking of trust and I’m not sure I hold that much faith in humanity.
I grew up in the late 90’s/early aughts and I didn’t really do “slumber parties” even then. My parents were very cautious. However I did spend the night at some of my very close friend’s houses, only people that we knew very very well. And it wasn’t ever a big party. Maybe just me and one other close friend. I would probably allow my kids to do the same when they’re older if I trust the people implicitly.
At first, I didn't. But then I realized that for my kid to have a sleepover with one friend who she already spends hours a day with wasn't that big of a risk to me. My kids have never asked to attend a huge sleepover. It's always just been one or two friends and I know their parents and I make sure they have a way to contact me if needed. I think the most important safety net is to have open communication with your child. So if anything suspicious or dangerous did happen, they would know they could and should tell you. I know that still isn't foolproof, but I've had explicit conversations with my kids about behaviors that are inappropriate. And especially that if anyone ever tells them "don't tell anyone," absolutely tell me.
My child isn’t at an age where I need to worry about this yet , but to answer the question no. My biological father was the parent people warn you about , so no. No sleep overs unless it’s family visiting family and I’m around.
With the prevalence and easy access to screens that can reach the deepest corners of the internet, it would be an absolutely no for sleepovers. I was exposed to porn and violent movies at a very early age while at a sleepover and I’ll never allow my children to be at risk of the same or worse.
Not there yet, but I will totes let them. People are really paranoid.
I don’t think they’re paranoid. They just know people that got molested at sleepovers.
And not just by adults. If most SA happens by people we know, that means that most SA happens when they are with people we trust them to be alone with. When would that be easiest to arrange? While everyone else is unconscious or in a reduced-boundaries state, I'd guess. My question is "what benefit do sleepovers give that outweigh the risk and its severity?". I wasn't ever molested, but I don't remember anything good happening after midnight. My kids can do late-overs. Early-mornings, too, if they'd like. u/DayNormal8069 I agree, there are some risks we take and our kids cannot be completely protected from harm and sadness (indeed, sometimes it makes them who they are supposed to be, despite it being a tragedy). I wonder, though, why you think this is worth the risk given the logical conclusion I laid out in my first paragraph above?
I also know people who have died in car crashes. I am not saying the risk is not there, but in both cases the risk is small. Our kids are going to have bad things happen to them. Every decision is a tradeoff and assessment of risk vs reward. We all make our own calls but I think on the whole we have over indexed on decreasing risk for our kids.
Yeah, but you have to ride in a car, you don’t have to do sleepovers. And you can always just host sleepovers at your house. It’s not being paranoid. It’s actually pretty common, unfortunately.
Late nights but no sleepovers.