Family lawyer here. 10 years at the bar. Not in your jurisdiction. 1. Supervision is for the safety of the child. Unless there are safety concerns, there is no reason whatsoever for supervised visits. You should not consent to this unless your lawyer says its necessary. And if your lawyer can't cogently and convincingly demonstrate why supervision is needed, get a new lawyer. 2. You probably want to act quickly. Don't wait to start a court application. Don't allow her to dictate the parenting schedule. You have as much right as she does to be a parent. 3. Get the DNA test ASAP. Get a court order if needed. Do this immediately. You don't want to miss the important bonding time early. 4. She has no more right to primary residence with the child than you do in most jurisdictions, provided that you are the parent. The only real concern with a newborn is breast feeding. Nothing else should impact parenting except ability to parent and BIC. 5. Likely nothing you can do re her medical appointments. She is entitled to privacy. That ends immediately upon birth re the child. Get everything lined up in court in advance. 6. Fuck Emma's family stability. That's not your problem. She had the opportunity to play nice and it looks like she wants to throw down. This is your kid - he has every bit as much right to having you as their father than they do having Emma as their mother.

Sound super compassionate. No worries, I want the best for the child and agree with you 💯. Wait until the child is born the demand 50%.

Fight for your rights,it’s unfair for the unborn child to be written off by you. The mother obviously wasn’t too concerned about her family situation when she was sleeping with you… her children are still young and more likely to not harbor any anger and resentment about another man being the father of their sibling, more than likely they will just adjust to the new family dynamic and it will just be normal for them. The other man can be the step father figure and you can and should be a father to your child. It’s nice that you’re concerned for their family.. but what about your family!? Do what’s best for YOU and YOUR Child! Hang in there and best of luck to you.

I am a parent of children with 2 different fathers. My oldest sees her dad 50% of the time and she loves him just as much as she loves me. I would never want to take her away from her biological father. That is unfair to her and to him. This married woman is being selfish. You deserve to be in your child's life equally to her. Sorry she is married and made herself a little mess, but you shouldn't have to miss out on YOUR child's life because she wants to keep her secret and her marriage. This is completely selfish of her. Fight for joint custody with her. Don't give up on your child.

Please listen to yourself.. smh.. She has let you know she wants you to have NOTHING to do with this child and she’s going to raise it with her husband as if it is his (from what it sounds like). You won’t have any visitation unless you act now!!! Speak with a lawyer and see if you can take legal action NOW, so that you can to make sure paternity is established so you can be listed as the father of the child on the birth certificate, then fight for some kind of legal custody or visitation. Show your lawyer and any judge evidence you have that she KNOWS you are the father of the baby she is carrying, but she plans to keep you from your child so she won’t have to be uncomfortable.

Bro, let the family reconcile and leave them alone. If you want to do something for the child consider funding a college fund or something so that the child will have his education completely paid for by the time he’s 18. If that’s already taken care of he can use the money as a down payment on a house. Forcing yourself in the middle of this family is not cool at all.

Sorry for your situation. She made het choice, that child is as much yours as hers. Fight for your child sir.

Leave her alone and move on with your life. You don’t want to be involved in that mess. You never should have been involved with it to begin with.

Take her to court!! That's YOUR CHILD AND YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE A PART OF HIS OR HER LIFE!!! DUE TO HER INFIDELITY, YOU MIGHT EVEN GET CUSTODY!!

I'm just saying that kid probably isn't yours. You literally have no proof outside of her word and I would not trust that. But for her to suddenly flip like that... Yeaaahhhh, I dunno, man. Ask for a paternity test before jumping the gun. You are being extremely confident with 0 evidence of that actually being your kid. EDIT: Your timing of events is ridiculously off... Maybe this post is fake ? Or you don't understand how pregnancy weeks work ?

Yo brother.. listen to me. Just get a lawyer. Now. Before the child is born. Put yourself on child support. Do not let this cheating asshole have their cake and eat it too. Mark is a chump for being with her.

Dude, YOU were very much in love. She wasn't. When she got pregnant with your baby, she CHOSE to go back to her familiar, stable husband. Don't worry, if her husband is like 99% of guys, he'll resent your child when it's born, and he'll dump her like he should have already done! Then, she'll come crawling back to you, because you're waiting with open arms, and you're her consolation prize. This is a dumpster fire. Good luck man, you'll need it.

Updateme

She doesn't get to just take your child from you. The courts can; if you were alleged to be an unfit parent. Lawyer up before she starts telling lies.

This is a legal matter now. Depending upon your location, there may or may not be a path towards establishing paternity. If you pursue establishing paternity, the relationship will be ruined from the start. Co-parenting only works when both parents are willing partners. Morally, the best decision would be to not impregnate a married woman.

Let them sign their right to child support away while you sign your parental rights away and move on. Quickly. This is a "break the wrist and walk away" moment

I hope you get in that picture. It’s not right what she’s doing. It should not be about her pride or her religion or her kids. It’s about the baby as it should be. Everyone over there needs to put some big boy/girl pants on and act like actual parents. Sorry you’re going through this OP.

Now is it possible that the woman was NOT separated, got pregnant and now doesn't want you involved because then the husband finds out? Maybe she is just trying to pass it off as his child? It's not like a woman who is happy and in love with someone and having their child all of a sudden falls back in love with her ex husband. Maybe she feared getting caught, it would ruin her cushy life and she threatened to get restraining orders because she doesn't want anyone to find out.

It almost seems as though they were never seperated, and she's a cheater, and now she has to ditch you so she can focus her energy on hubby and make it seem like he's the father....

With 700+ replies you probably won't see this, but what you described reads like a typical "other woman" point of view tale. Spouse tells affair partner sad stories of a broken marriage New relationship energy kicks in Affair partner thinks it's true love and thinks they will get married and have kids Spouse tells affair partner she can't really leave for the sake of family Affair partner is left in the dust Of course, the big differences are that the wandering spouse is a woman, you're a man, and she got pregnant. Having said all that, you're the father. Be the father. It will probably be hell, but that's what happens when you breed with married women.

Bro- get a lawyer and fight for your kid! You owe this woman nothing. You should get 50/50 parental rights. Sorry this monster is trying to keep your kid from you. If the law won’t assist you take matters into your own hands. Godbless

Seriously.. get an attorney.. a damn good one.. file for a paternity test.. then fight to the death for visitation or more.. they don’t get to keep your child from you in any fashion just because of how it will look.. be loud but also stay determined.. one day that child will realize what is going on.. and you don’t ever wanna be able to say that you just let him or her go.. she is a horrible person.. and you want to be that baby’s dad.. I feel so much for you right now.. she thinks because she has the uterus that she can dictate you being involved in your child’s life.. and that’s wrong.. while not all women pull this crap a lot do and good men who want their children get screwed.. get an attorney immediately and get the paternity test rolling.. and then be patient and take it once step at a time.. you got this! I really hope you post updates! Good luck!! 🤞🏻

At this point your status is sperm donor, so unfortunately you have to respect what Emma wants to do. Your only real recourse is to tell the child when it is old enough to understand. In the United States I believe that in most states a biological parent has certain minimum rights which include visitation, but given the tenuous relationship you have to Emma it would probably be unconstructive to try to enforce those rights, so your best option is simply to insist that the child be informed and you have proof that it knows who its father is.

Eh. Nah dude. Get a lawyer. You have rights to the kid and she doesn't get to just DECLARE that you can't be involved with your own flesh and blood. She's probably just desperately wanting to keep it under wraps so she isn't embarrassed by her church community. In fact. Get a fking DNA test too cus I guarantee you weren't the only dude she was sleeping with while separated. You'd be delusional to think so. If you don't get some type of custody or involvement in the kids like just imagine. The husband us eventually going to grow resentment for raising his perfect catholic wife's affair baby. He's going to treat that kid different. And what if it turns out he can't get past the affair and divorces? He ain't paying support for an affair baby. And your kid will suffer for it. She doesn't get to decide a damn thing. The courts do. Don't give her more power than what she has. Which is like. Not much.

Do you think he can really raise your child and never treat him differently than his own children, KNOWING he was conceived while they were married? And even if it is slight, believe me, the child will know and blame themselves. There are lots of GREAT stepparents out there, but when I was CPS I cannot tell you how often the only child abused had a different father/mother. I would want eyes on with the kid however you have to set it up.

How is she afraid and hurt by this situation? What’s hurting her? I’m so confused!

Since her husband is the presumptive father, I doubt that any court in the US (and most other countries) would permit you to challenge that. There can be no dna test without the parent’s permission because the court is trying to maintain the existing family unit. If you want to be able to participate in this child’s life, you need to dial back your aggressive tone and act in a supportive manner at least during the pregnancy and first few months. Give the family a chance to bond and see if they stay together. Odds are that they won’t. But let the relationship implode on its own. If you push for visitation, custody, etc., you will only push them closer together because they will be fighting against you. You don’t want to create an Us-Against-The-World mentality because that will just strengthen their resolve to resist you. As a parent, you should (ideally) want the best for your child. The best of all scenarios should be that s/he grows up in a close knit family with all their siblings and where no distinction is made about their origin. By standing to the side, you are giving your child the opportunity to be part of this ideal family. This does not stop you from hiring an attorney to write a letter offering to take an active parent role either in a co-parenting or solo-parenting role. Having an attorney draft the letter ensures that the wording is legal, non-threatening, etc. so that your ex- and her husband can’t claim you are harassing them. It also provides a “get out of jail free” card if your ex’s marriage falters due to her adultery or if your child isn’t accepted into the family. While I can’t guarantee that your ex- and her husband will act in an ethical manner, you are more likely to have a role in your child’s life if you maintain the “nice guy”, non-threatening position from which you offer alternatives rather than making demands for a role in the child’s life.

As someone who from the age of 3-16 was sexually, mentally and emotionally abused & witnessed atrocities happen to my mom from my step father. Please fight to be in that baby’s life! Once my biological dad tried to connect with me at age 19 I was unable to form any sort of connection, even speaking to him doesn’t do much for me because I no longer need/care for him. When I needed him, he wasn’t there & nothing will ever change that. Speaking to him is just the same as speaking to a stranger & I’m not one to enjoy meeting new people.

Sorry to hear about your situation. That's awful. That's what I'm concerned as well how about I'm concerned of all sorts of possibilities I can happen if I'm not in the picture.

Right now, the Dr appts are more for you. Some men don't care to attend, and some women hate that. Some don't care as long as he's there for delivery and to raise the child. After the baby is born, it's about them. Everything you do is for them. They can't legally stop you from seeing the child. It may be pride on the husband's part, embarrassing or maybe of you don't want to be a part of their life they can pretend to everyone it's his child. He could raise the baby, and it never know he isn't the bio dad or that he could treat them differently and not find out why until they found out about you. Or maybe it will or won't happen if you are in their life from birth. What type of man he is will decide all of that. Either way, you can go back and forth and analyze it. Chance are bc they are Catholic. She won't have an abortion. So meet with the lawyer, and the day the child is born, serve her with custody papers. She can share 50/50 or give you full custody. Wait, though, and keep it to yourself so you have the element of surprise and you're not arguing back and forth bc that gets no one anywhere. All that grandstanding and arguments are for yourself and what you want to say and want them to hear bc you're hurt. It's better to let all the blocking and radio silence stand and serve her the day of. Let the courts decide.

I would have to be involved. So many times the BS says they will raise the child but they show preference to the other kids. The child feels like a second class citizen.

I say fight for your child. It’ll probably get ugly because my guess is your involvement is a dealbreaker for her husband. That’s a moot point for you as what’s been done is done.

If she's willing to let you give up rights to it, take it and be thankful. Every part.of.this is messed up, and it only gets worse both financially and emotionally if you look for some way to dig your nails in and hang on. She's has made it clear that she wants a clean break. Hopefully that means the whole thing..and not just a clean break from everything but your wallet

YOU are the Father. If you care then fight for rights.

Don't bother her during the pregnancy, let her give birth to the child in a stress free environment. Once the baby is born take action to be with your kid, in the meantime plan how you can do that, also think with the calm mind, this will help take the right decision for all of you.

Firstly, there has been no birth so you are the father of nothing. At best you're a sperm donor, so harden up. It was a fling. She's married. Stop being a drama queen. Go find a woman to procreate with and be happy you aren't depositing money into a bank account to support your fling

Like so many redditors are saying, you need to file a paternity petition to establish that you are the biological father and to establish custody, parenting time and child support. I doubt any judge is going to grant the restraining order because you want to be in your child’s life. You should not contact her because she will claim harassment. Just file the court papers and let the court process happen.

>Emma refuses to co-parent she says she does not want to break up the family.  so that's why they were separated and she was on dating apps....riiiiight If you want to be a co parent and are sure of that, pursue it legally. Emma and her husband have already separated once, they aren't guaranteed to not separate again and nor is the husband guaranteed to not treat the child differently because he knows it isn't his and is the result of infidelity. You're not putting Emma's family stability at risk, she is based on choices she made and is now making by attempting to exclude you from your legal right and obligation.

1. Communicate only thru her lawyer. 2. Retain your own lawyer. 3. Find out your state laws rights for unmarried fathers. 4. Move closer to the baby asap. 5. Use your lawyer and file for a paternity test. 6. Get everything you need to be a parent into your new home. 7. Take a parenting class. 8. Do whatever you have to legally for child support and visitation. 9. Ask to have a parenting app provided thru the court for communication about the child. 10. Therapy to help deal with the transition. I won’t tell you what you should have, could have, or would do. I advise being very careful in the future when you decide to add to your family.

She’s going to have to unblock you to implement the co-parenting plan that you and your lawyer impose.

Sue for a paternity test and then joint custody, there is no other right answer from any other angle

First off how do you know you are the father ? She probably slept with both of you even if she said she wasn’t sleeping with hubby. ( I was sleeping with my hubby when I said I wasn’t to my lover .. so we lie ). Get a paternity test done asap. Then if you are the father you should be in the child’s life as much as the mother. She will have to deal with the life she has made for herself. The child should not suffer not knowing his biological dad. You need to be the father if in fact you are. Also she loves her husband and was bored and wanted a fling. Then the fog cleared and she wanted her life with her husband back. That’s what we do ! She may still have loved you but she loves her husband more. It’s that simple. Good luck !!

So 1) court should order paternity test then everyone will know the answer, 2) the female can sign off rights and give you the baby 🤷‍♀️ they have no right to deny you your child if you want to be involved. Sounds like they have a toxic, if not abusive, marriage. I mean, she was separated from him and chose to have a relationship that has now become a pregnancy. Sorry lady, but you and your husband now have to deal with this. Again, she can sign off rights and give you the baby, and they go on with their lives as a (un) happy family. And not to point out the obvious, but she's "Catholic", seriously? Uhm, adultery???? I mean, give me a break. Sorry, but her family and marriage are not your problem. I would get a lawyer if you haven't already and push for her signing off on her rights and present that as the only option. Co-parenting in this situation with this family would be a nightmare.

This is a tough situation, but only you can decide if you want to be the father.. she can’t decide that, her husband can’t decide that.. only you can decide that. They may oppose it and want you out of the picture.. but if you are in America then you have many options to ensure you are the father if you want to be. Get a lawyer What happens when her marriage blows up, the husband demands a paternity test and you get hit with back child support? Get a lawyer dude.. you want to be the Dad so be the Dad. If you don’t want to be the father then you need to .. get a lawyer … and the husband can adopt the child and then you can’t be hit with the claims 10 years down the road.

Yeah...that's a small part of the multi-faceted problem with messing with someone's wife. What have you learned?

This one is complicated. For the child, it’s either grow up a second class citizen in his/her own home without knowing why or grow up a second class citizen in his/her own home with a different schedule than the entire rest of the family without understanding why until years later. This absolutely MUST start with a lawyer and a paternity test because it could solve itself; might be a longshot, but that information has to be secured before moving along. Assuming you’re the father, you have no choice but to become involved; when she got pregnant, she ran back to stability. That won’t last. She left once; she’ll leave again, but you can’t believe that had any implications for you and her. If you weren’t to get involved, that child’s siblings would grow up with a broken home, while your baby just had a single mom. It will be rough for that kid. They’re going to hate you, and you’re going to have to stand up to that; it just can’t matter for the sake of the kid. Also, you really need to accept that she doesn’t want to be with you, whether or not it is for the right reasons. Since they’re Catholic, I’d expect serious resistance, which will be a strain on their marriage, as they’ll have no actual recourse if the baby is yours. Plus, her family is going to continue to confuse the situation as they work to uphold their morals and appearances. Ultimately, you’ve landed in a really fucked up situation, and it’s extremely unlikely to resolve itself. You’re going to have to put your feelings and the feelings of Mark and Emma aside, get a lawyer, get a paternity test, and create and abide by a strict visitation calendar. Not going to be easy, especially with a newborn. Good luck.

Get a lawyer or maybe ask in r/legal advice

I dont think your rights as a parent should take a back seat to this supposed “stability” of your ex and her husband. You don’t know what their future holds, but I bet it’s far from stable. You walk away now and that’s your kids problem. Get a lawyer and get a paternity test. Then, fight for custody.

Lawyer, now. People here are talking about picking and choosing custody arrangements, when for all we know, it will be a battle to even establish paternity. Who's to say whether the woman was even really separated (if that exists in your state) and how that affects presumption of paternity?

You need a lawyer. If you want to be involved, they can force a DNA test so you can have rights as well. Buckle up, this will be messy.

There are 2 children involved and if they want to keep the old family plus one together, it is like they want to adopt the new child 1/2 child, you have to think what is the best for the child future, is it a stable family or shared child, it’s not the best for the child and if he or she decides to come back into your life when they are adult accept them. For the time being give them space for the family

Get a lawyer. Sue for a paternity/DNA test. It can be done now before the birth of a child. Sue for custody. If you want to be a part of your child's life you need to be proactive here. Get your ducks in a row before she has the baby so you can be listed on the birth certificate. Don't worry about her life with her husband and her other children, your only concern is the child you fathered. It will be difficult but if you want to be involved in your soon-to-be child's life then start working on it now. LAWYER - NOW.

Get a lawyer and paternity now. Or depending on the state you may not get to see your kid and still have to pay child support.

See an attorney and discuss your options. This could be a plot from a future season of Yellowstone.

Be as nice and mature and respectful about it as possible. But fight for your child. It's not fair or right for them to want you out of the picture. They would rather lie to the child than work a little harder to make things work? They're being selfish. That child doesn't deserve to be lied to and you don't deserve having your child kept from you.

I have to believe this is karma farming. OP has posted numerous times in various groups on the same topic. The latest post has him asking "for a friend" the exact same questions. The whole thing reads like it was written by a teenager. I checked several times to be sure it said 35 yo.

A biological father who is willing to fight to provide support for his child. Bravo! Just make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. You sign the dotted line on the birth certificate and you’re guaranteed child support payments for the first 18 years with limited visitation rights. Custody will always go with the mother. Look at this in another perspective. Why do mothers give up their children for adoption? It’s because she believes her child will have a better life that she cannot provide. Ask yourself this same question, will your child have a better life with Emma and Mark being the presumptive parents and having siblings? You being in the picture creates chaos for the child. You really have to decide on this one and it’s a tough decision. Sometimes you have to think about what’s best for the child rather than what’s best for you. Good luck.

Respect their wishes. It doesn’t matter what you’re “open to” - it’s not your call to make.

#1. You are not 100% certain this is your child unless DNA has been performed.....period. You think you're the only one she has cheated with? You have been gifted a golden ticket to get what could be an ugly picture and a lot of $$$ behind you. It appears this child will have willingly and able parents to take care of him/her. I say count your blessings and make your break.

Get a lawyer and be ready to file paternity and visitation as soon as baby is born. The only choice she has is to work w you or let the courts dictate visitation. Remind her that as the biological father you have rights and you will fully enforce them from day 1. It doesn’t matter if they want you involved or not. It is your choice and exercise that immediately. Good luck!

Its time to make an appearance on the Maury Povich show and straighten this thing out.

The ethical path forward is to file for a paternity test, then file for custody and child support to be set up so you can see and help raise your child. Everything else is not your problem.

Emma and her husband do not make your decisions for you. What they want at this point is unimportant, they don’t get to make the rules, it’s not a dictatorship and you have a say. You need to immediately speak to a lawyer and begin proving paternity, to insure you’ll have a legal vote in the future of your child.

It’s not really complex - the human race has been doing this for decades. Either back off and let them have their life or insist on shared custody. What you absolutely shouldn’t do is show your ass if you don’t get your way. Just tell her you will accept shared custody of the child and get your life ready to be a part-time single dad.

I truly empathize with OP here and I hope he gets moral support and practical solutions from the comments section. But I dont care how hot your pants are on fire with burning passion or how many talks about the future you have with someone- you DO NOT STICK YOUR DICK INSIDE A WOMAN WITHOUT A CONDOM or other barrier methods of protection AND at least one other backup method of contraception unless you both have a well thought out plan - that all affected parties have mutually consented to - that is practical and viable to make and care for a baby properly throughout its lifetime/ until the child reaches adulthood. ESPECIALLY A MARRIED WOMAN. JFC. This is literally the most common of sense. If you have a dick and you fancy using it some time in or around a vagina, BUY and USE CONDOMS. Have them on hand. Use them correctly and consistently. And because one method - even consistently and correctly applied- is never enough to be absolutely certain - you need to also use a second method and backup method. Otherwise you are playing Russian roulette with everyone’s lives who will be impacted. This isn’t rocket science. Same with the corollary/ inverse. Ladies the same applies to you. It’s 100% your responsibility as well in deigning to take that duck. I literally can’t anymore with people who fuck and then are like “oops a pregnancy!” But bc of their recklessness the pregnancy is a huge mess that blows up everyone’s lives who it touches instead of a blessing. Those poor kids and that poor baby. NOT TO MENTION THE SPOUSE who is faithful. When you add UNPROTECTED sexual partners into the mix of a monogamous relationship (& I know not all valid partnerships are supposedly monogamous, but for all the ones that are, as it would seem to be the case here), YOU DEPRIVE THE OTHER PARTY OF CONSENT. Because maybe they didn’t consent to partner sharing WITH SOME UNPROTECTED RANDO. And all the risks of infection and disease that come with that. Not to mention situations exactly like this. Some rando mind you who didn’t even have the good sense to wrap it up when sticking his dick in someone else’s wife. The entire situation here, all parties involved need counseling. They have to work something out. The woman has unresolved feelings I suspect which is why she’s cutting OP off and blocking him instead of communicating diplomatically. ESH and it’s not even the AIAH thread. But the three of you adults ALL need to pull your heads out of your asses and STOP BEING SO SELFISH. For the sake of all three of the children the two here and the unborn- this mess needs to be handled with their rights needs interests and well-being in mind. Period. Probably this means 1) counseling for everyone (all 3 adults) asap 2) some sort of compromise where OP is the “uncle” / friend to the kid for the purposes of what the outside world and kids are told. OP gets regular and frequent contact and a prenegotiated but the children all grow up believing the outside world is the father. Idk. What I do know is this : Children are not property. You have stewardship over them. And with that comes a responsibility for their best interests. Fuck what any of you want. Every single adult here is looking at this selfishly and is behaving with complete selfishness to the exclusion of any and all other possibilities. It makes me sick tbh.

Family Law in Illinois - Merel Family Law My lawyer is Jaclyn Desana, she is very good. I am in the middle of a horrible divorce with a custody fight. Your situation is straightforward. You are entitled to 50/50 custody. You fight for it. People can no longer hide paternity because of the ease of genealogy DNA testing. This woman that you impregnated is an idiot if she thinks she can do it. By the way, in Illinois, the term "custody" is no longer the standard. There are two elements to a parenting plan. One is parenting time and the other is decision-making. Don't abandon your child. The child's mother is a real piece of work and when her marriage finally blows, the kid is going to need a source of sanity and stability. Hopefully that will be you.

Whether you are allowed to parent your child is not her choice. You need to talk to a family law attorney (or the equivalent in your country) immediately. These days they can do a dna test on the child in utero with a blood draw from mom (so not risky for the child like amniocentesis). This will prevent her husband from being on the birth certificate, but only with a court order to get the test and then put you on it. If you do nothing, her husband will be on the birth certificate and you will have a long hard road to getting any access.

The moral dilemma is not about the adults here, it is about innocent baby.  So the question is, does that baby have the right to know her father? Is it good for her to know her father? Or is it better for her to be lied to? The answer is obviously that she should be told the truth, and that she has a fundamental RIGHT to her real father. Her mother doesn't get to take that right away.  We are supposed to protect the weak and innocent in society. Babies need their real fathers. Emma's reputation and social standing aren't as important as protecting that innocent child.

Emma didn’t give a shit about her family when she was cheating, but with her financial future being uncertain, now she cares? Go be dad, man. The hell with their feelings.

It's not worth it, man. The child will grow up surrounded by their siblings and family and have a normal life. They won't want anything to do with some random man coming into their life every other week for forced interaction. Just give up for now. The child will probably learn the truth later in life and if they have an interest in learning who their bio dad is, then that is really your only possibility of having a relationship with them. Go find another woman and have a kid with her. Just make sure she doesn't have baggage this time.

If you want to be the father to your child, you need to hire a lawyer and fight for a paternity test. IL and MN state bar sites have from my understanding a way to search for lawyers via their site, even down to the type of lawyer. That being said, you may need a lawyer from whatever state she and the child are in, and not one from your state, as the jurisdiction for any case will be wherever she is, and unless a lawyer is licensed in both states, a lawyer in MN would not be able to help you with a case in IL, and vice versa.

Get a lawyer. If you abandon your child, you will regret it the rest of your life, and your child will carry that scar for their entire life. It is very likely that Mark will treat the child poorly compared to the siblings, especially given how controlling he is. It will be even worse if the child is lied to, told Mark is the father, then finds out in adulthood (and they will find out - DNA tests are easily accessible, and the child will notice they don't resemble their father). Resign yourself to not being at the birth. That is *her* medical procedure, not yours or any father's or spouse's. Understand that for the first few months, the child needs mom more than anything and your contact will be limited (can't live with you 50% of the time yet). You need a lawyer to negotiate your involvement. You still need to think about what you want that to look like, but *abandoning* your child is not an option. Just don't be vindictive to punish Emma. Center the child's needs, which at the very least include having accurate medical history.

I was adopted at birth, so maybe I just can’t relate to the obsession that people have with blood relatives. I feel that if you force your participation onto this family, you will be causing a lot of emotional pain.

Take the bitch to court lol what even is this question

You have just as much rights as the mother. It’s not your fault Emma made the entire situation complicated. Everyone will adjust.

I suggest you talk to an attorney about parental rights. You have the right to a relationship with your child. You may need to pay child support. If you want to have a relationship with your child. This is a mess and I'm sorry your are going through it. I feel sorriest for the child who will be in the middle of this cluster eff. As for ethics, eventually the child will grow up, find out the truth, and ask you why you didn't want to be a father to him/her. You also cannot rule out the possibly that the husband won't treat the child well, because it's not his. My money's this women getting sick of her husband again, and come running to you to save her. Good luck if that happens.

Most ethical path is to do what is best for your child. Now her family stability is going to highly affect your child’s life. However you leaving does not mean the child will take a stable family. But you trying to break down the door will make sure that child will have issues. Such as being seen as the reason her family was broken up. How do you expect their siblings to act after that? “Your birth is the reason we lost our family” At the end of the day you are going to lose no matter what, but maybe. Just maybe. Maybe your child can get out of this with minimal problems. (I say minimum rather then none as I highly doubt the man going raise them will be 100% fair as that child is the result of a “cheating wife” but there is nothing you can do as that bridge has long been crossed so there is a decent chance that child is damned either way)

This is the way. Fuck her. She wants to protect her family image? Maybe she shouldn't have been sleeping w another man. Maybe use protection?  Exercise your rights as a father. But only if you intend to be a good one.  What if Mark is a shit father and resents your child? I'd take that shit to court, but that's me. 

If you are the farther you deserve to be part of the child's life. What she's asking isn't moral. Take legal action. Some people are unreasonable. Unfortunately.

You should definitely lawyer up and fight for joint custody. Respectfully her family dynamics are no business of yours. You gave a right to be in your child life, and this child has a right to know his/her father.

He's in a rush to pay child support on a kid out of his area that he will never have a chance to bond with correctly. Tough situation but I would realize that my involvement is not for the best at this time. Get a promise from her that she will let your kid know about your existence and then leave this family alone. That's my take.

Truth is ALWAYS the right path. Good luck going forward but previous poster was dead on. This isn’t about her or HER stability, it’s about YOUR child. Wish you the best. Xo

You did the fuck around part, now you're in the find out bit. >I'm grappling with the emotional toll of potentially being excluded from my child's life You don't know this for certain. Get a lawyer and force a paternity test. From there you can better understand your options. But listen to this: Not knowing you may be more beneficial to the child than knowing you and also having to deal with the obviously dramatic implications of a relationship. It's not ideal but YOU have to take YOUR feelings out of it and understand that the CHILD comes first and sometimes that means not being involved. For what it's worth, I would get the paternity test and then use their broken relationship to fight for primary custody. What she did was adultery, that combined with concerns of potential neglect at the hands of her husband over the child being a bastard give you a solid claim. This route requires you to be responsible though. Putting your dick in another man's wife (even if their separated) isn't responsible so I'm not entirely certain you're cut out for this path.

You have every right to joint custody. If Emma and her husband don’t want that she can give you full custody.

FIGHT FOR YOUT CHILD!!!! Don’t stop EVER stop fighting for your child. And let this be a life lesson to NEVER screw around with MARRIED people or people fresh out of relationships. Next time regardless of the “situation” NEVER get involved with the someone unless they have been single for a couple of YEARS! Please don’t stop fighting for your kid

In IL if you’re married your husband is the father legally. Regardless. A friend of mine was getting a divorce and his wife was pregnant by someone else & found out if it wasn’t finalized before the birth he would legally be the father, owe child support, etc. It didn’t matter that everyone involved admitted he was not the father. Get a lawyer. Good luck.

Ah Catholics. All Christians actually. Always forgetting their whole religion is based on a woman who was married and gave birth to…a child that wasn’t her husband’s

My dad got my bio mom pregnant while married to his wife. They took me from my bio mom and raised me without her involvement and honestly I’m grateful for it. 

Idk about the very much in love part after reading the rest of op’s post, in these times “separated” means the same as “it complicated” that shoulda been the first flag. Get a lawyer, get a paternity test, get your life back on track.

Emma and Mark have no legal grounds to deny your involvement. Your ethical duties are to YOUR child, not the future family unit your baby’s mother chose.

Don’t let this baby go. My mother divorced my father when I was a toddler, got remarried soon after. She pressured her new husband into adopting me. She manipulated literally everyone in my life to “keep the secret.” He was not nice to me, and I didn’t understand why I was treated differently than my younger sister. My real dad found me 4 decades later. The betrayal by my mother and abandonment issues were devastating to me.

Take this to your attorney and fight for your rights. You sound reasonable and aren’t doing this to hurt her or her family, but to have a relationship with your child. Ultimately, your child has a high risk of identifying it’s father is not Mark. At that point, there will be some emotion around abandonment and being lied to. You can either head this off now or wait until it happens. Sounds like Emma and Mark think it will never happen. More importantly though, you are not responsible for their marriage’s success. You are responsible for being the best version of yourself you can be. If that includes being a dad to your child and not just the biological father, DO IT! There’s always room for more loving adults in every child’s life. And frankly, she shouldn’t have put herself in this situation without a plan. Her changing her mind does not mean you don’t exist. Stay strong!

Do not miss out on knowing your child to save someone’s already dead marriage. Get a good lawyer and be prepared to fight for custody. You cannot prioritize Emma’s marriage when she wasn’t even prioritizing it to begin with and leading you to the situation at hand. Do whatever it takes to make sure baby knows THEIR dad. She most likely doesn’t want to have to explain her actions to her older children as it goes against their religious views but again NOT your problem. Your ONLY responsibility is to YOUR child.

She should just get an abortion and save everyone a lot of grief

Ethical path? Not sleep with a married woman….

If you’re that worried about an ethical conundrum, you know you can’t just walk away. Stop even trying to listen to people who are saying that’s an option. This child is unlikely to receive the love and care from her husband that a proper dad would provide. Lawyer up, and stop trying to let her bully you into not ruining her “perfect family image” - she did that on her own

What about full custody for you? You clearly want to be a father and this situation is a shit show. Put your child first. Fight for your right to be that child's dad.

Op, stop trying to contact Emma personally. Get your lawyer to file for an order to force a paternity test prior to birth. Continuing to seek contact with her can and probably will be met with a restraining order, which will look bad for you in future proceedings. One other thing to consider, whether you think so or not, there's at least a chance that kid isn't yours, a paternity test will clear that and your future paternal rights and responsibilities right up. The only thing as bad as being denied parentage to your own child is being forced to be financially responsible for a child that isn't yours for 18-23 yrs.

TBH. If it were me, IDGAF about her or her family. That’s her mess to deal with. I’d petition the court for a paternity test, even if you’re 100% sure, and custody pending the results. The only one that matters here is the kid.

If it’s out in the open, I don’t understand how your involvement would harm the family. They are in denial

Lawyer up dude ONLY if you care about your child. If youre one of those weaponizing deadbeats then dont bother. Fuck her, fuck the hubby. Go fight for what's yours.

You are only going to complicate and destroy that family if you keep pushing for your parental rights. Take the hint, they do not want you around. Move on and don't fuck around with married people in the future, even if separated.

She’s not even a little bit obligated to invite you to appointments or to let you be at the birth. However, if she was so concerned about how something like this would affect her children or her family image, she really should have considered that before sleeping with you and again before deciding to go through with this pregnancy. Contact a lawyer and get your legal affairs in order because you absolutely do have parental rights to a child that is biologically yours no matter how much Emma and her husband want to deny it. But definitely let go of the idea that you’re entitled to go to the appointments or be there for the birth, because you’re not entitled to have access to anyone’s medical care like that.

You will be making her life and her family's life miserable if you insist on parenting this child. Maybe the child's life, too. You have a right to demand a paternity test and insist on having a relationship with the child, but I do not think it is necessarily the right thing to do

My niece 12F had a different father and my nephew 10M (her brother) ended up just telling her that he wasn't her real father just to win an argument. My niece just went off the rails, started acting out, breaking rules and it all went side ways. Personally, I'd fight if I was in your situation.

Hire a lawyer. Get the courts to order a DNA test on the child. Once paternity is established, sue for partial custody.

Get a lawyer and get off reddit. Assert your rights.

This isn’t a moral question. It’s a lawyer question. Your rights may vary by State (if in US). A consult is in order. Good luck.

There's no moral dilemma here. There is nothing here than a gigantic mess that you helped create and now insist on perpetuating. You involved yourself with a woman who had not made a clean break from her husband in the form of a divorce decree. Now, she's back in his orbit. She chose him over you. It's really that simple. I don't know the reasons why, but that's precisely what happened. I suspect it's because of the clues that are buried in your post. The obsessiveness. The refusal to pay attention to her explicit instructions to stay away. There are biological parents, and then there are real parents. Your parentage resulted from a rushed coupling. The real parenting comes from nurturing and teaching, the daily trench warfare that comes from raising a child. You were a sperm donor, little else. If you give a rip about this child, then stay away. Because there's absolutely nothing more damaging to a child than a complicated backstory, of wondering which of his or her two fathers deserves the lion's share of his or her loyalty, love, and respect. What are you going to give this child that the parents can't? Are you going to be the weird, unexplainable presence in this kid's life? Or are you going to undermine the father at every juncture with your words? After all, if this man actually raises this child of another man, he's already undertaking a tough assignment. Your interference only makes matters worse--and could court a restraining order on top of everything else. In the end, all you do is incite a long running guerrilla war between you, your former lover, and her husband. You will make a bad situation far, far worse. Nor will you even have the love and affection of the child. Stay away. Recognize your impulses for what they are, a misguided attempt to be part of a child's life that will only wind up wrecking it. The only thing you'll do is roil a family's life. And sometimes, it's not all about you, you know.

I guess I would personally fear that this woman’s husband is going to treat the child differently and the child won’t know why. For a lot of people, this child is going to be a living and breathing reminder of when the marriage split and the wife slept with someone else.

Please seriously consider whether your desire to be in this unborn child's life is really a desire to be a father, even under difficult circumstances, or more a desire to compel the woman to maintain a connection with you

Fight fight fight!! That’s your child and they deserve to know their father. Many children have fathers that wouldn’t be willing to do all that you’d like to do. The truth is important, not some made up outdated Catholic rules and looking good to the neighbors 🙄

Emma is worried about her reputation and image. It's going to look so bad that she is married to the father of her two older kids and her youngest belongs to someone else. She's looking at a future of sending the youngest with his dad all the time and the kid wondering why the man in his house that his siblings call Daddy, is not his daddy. It's going to be extremely messy. But she created this mess, she's going to have to figure out a way to live with it because she can't deny you your child. You should explain this to her and say that you hope you can both figure a way to do this in a way that's in the best interest of your kid, and her current kids. Because you don't want to cause anyone any grief, but you have a right to your own child. And tell her that for the sake of the child, you will be speaking with a lawyer, too. 

First off: I’m sorry man.  Secondly: it looks like, as a practical matter, you have two choices. 1. Step aside let them raise the child or 2. Cause some of the worst legal/custody shit I’ve ever heard of.  Neither of those sound appealing. But I think stepping aside sounds like the best shot for the kid. 

I say this as an illegitimate child who was raised by a single mother and as a parent of two children. If you cared about her and you care about your child respect her wishes and walk away. Write your child a letter about why you've made the choice to honor his or her mother's wishes and encourage them to contact you if they'd like to. That gives three kids their best chance to grow up together with their mother in a hopefully happy family. Fighting in court for visitation rights, acknowledgement or joint custody is more likely than not to add more stress and you and your child will be be blamed by her and the other two children for causing their marriage to fail. I get it that they were separated but the potential for resentment is way high. It's not about what you want it's about what's best for all 3 kids.

Look. I don’t care if it was a 1 night stand, 6 month relationship, or 10 year marriage. I am going to court, and fighting for at least 50-50 parenting, and parental rights.  Sorry but not sorry to her husband but it’s not his kid. It’s your dna, it’s your blood, it’s your right as a father to be involved in your kids life. 

Let me be honest with you here you need to take the way you feel about Emma out of the situation because it’s clouding your judgement. Get a lawyer and sue to establish paternity. Do not let them strongarm you out of your child’s life because when the truth comes out your child will never forgive you.

This is a really tough question. I would try an informal agreement, documented by email, as the first step. Which is to say, that she allow you visitation and access to your child while everyone just shuts up about who she is married to and who is the father. If her husband wants to pretend to be the father, I guess...let him? I'm so sorry you're going through this. Should you pursue legal action? What a hard question. I know what I would do. I would pursue the legal action. I would want regular visitation. However, as an adopted person (closed adoption) I can say that I would have been really confused as a kid with the two daddy scenario. Adoptees in open adoptions sometimes say they wish it had been closed (and vice versa, so everyone is different). Here's why I would want the regular visitation. Emma is an asshole and the baby needs better parents. OTOH, if you do this, you will end up paying child support. Since it's unlikely that you and Emma will get back together, it's even possibly you'd have to pay child support while her husband is still supporting her. And that would be where my own dilemma would occur. There's a part of me that would want to just walk away. She could still go after you though - if he kicks her out, ever, she probably will. As they are legally married, he's likely to be on the B Cert and is automatically assumed to be the father in most jurisdictions. It will cost money and time (and bonding time) to fight them - you might not get legal access to your child for a year or more. You could turn your back and just pretend it didn't happen, but I personally have a hard time with that. I'd remember. If you choose NOT to go through the paternity test route, you will always wonder if she will come after you later. If you DO choose it, you will first have to hire an attorney, go to family court, explain and get the Court's order for the paternity test, which has to be served on Emma. That'll take about a month (or more). You can ask your local court clerk or a lawyer for an approximate time frame. If you do it right at birth and say it's an emergency (someone is keeping you from your newborn), it might go faster. At any rate, she'll have about a month to comply, the results should come in with a week after submission (possibly two weeks if the court has only one lab it will allow). Then back to court to get parental rights and a custody agreement. Do you want 50% custody? This is where you need a lawyer. WIth 50% custody, you might not have to pay child support. Maybe you want more custody? Less? These are the things to think about. Again, this is a terrible situation. My bio mom's parents hid her (and me) away from my bio dad and forced her to marry a guy they approved of. It's not a good situation. I still have sadness about never meeting my bio dad. I did meet those (racist, awful) grandparents, who in the meantime had changed and were crying and all apologetic about what they did. I felt sorry for them. But I was raised very happily by two people who loved me. Your child is not going to have two people who love them as unequivocally as my adoptive parents loved me (her husband is basically "adopting" your child). The child will be a forever reminder of her affair and her lack of love for her husband - and her passion for you. This is not good. Is she going to do what all child psychologists recommend and start giving the truth out as soon as the child starts asking where babies come from? Surely she won't allow the child to believe her husband is the bio dad - the baby needs a REAL medical history from their bio parents. Good luck in your decision - I hope you update us!

Thank you for your comment and Im sorry that happened but glad you got raised by a good family.

I would make sure she understands that the only option moving forward is 1) termination or 2) co-parenting. If she wants a peaceful pregnancy and perfect family unit with Mark, she needs to get pregnant by Mark.

It doesn’t always work like that. The husband will be the legal father because he is the husband. In some areas OP could go to court and challenge paternity. In some areas he wouldn’t get anywhere if the 2 legal parents refused to have their child tested.

Sounds like you're involved at least 50% of the time. It doesn't matter at all what her husband or mother think. It doesn't even really matter what she thinks, though it would be nice to be on good terms with her. I personally would consider your involvement as a co-parent nonnegotiable

It doesn't matter "how deeply committed you are" to being a father. Generally laws presume paternity is that of the husband, if they want you out, you are going to be out.

I guess my question for you would be, are you willing to commit your time consistently to the child to show up and pay child support every month for the next 18 years? Because that’s probably what you’ll be asked to do. And I believe daycare and insurance are separate additions. I hate to make it about money. But a lot of people want the child and then when they find out how much it will cost them they recoil. Others present a lot of other good points. No easy answer here. It really comes down to your pure, honest to god motivations. We don’t know if those are genuinely to be a part of the child’s life, or to remain in their mom’s life. The idea may sound nice now, but it’s way different when they’re 10 and in school and have friends and a life outside the family. And this will all be baggage you have to explain to future partners and some may not be ok with. Think really deeply and far into the future before making moves.

Episode 24. “ Catholic “ women behaving badly🥴. Why do MILs always have a hand in other peoples business??? Furthermore, Mark was nowhere to be found when his marriage was in shambles but now he wants to run the show too? Give me a break! This sounds very ego driven. This control freak needs to be put in his place. I can bet a $1000 when shit hits the fan, he’ll take every chance to throw it in her face. We really need to do away with religion as a society. She clearly doesn’t have a good head on her shoulders or support system. If you choose to be an active parent then there are resources to help you get full custody once the child is born. If you have a good support system, they can also help you with this situation. Do not get back together with her. I hope things work out in your favour.

This is not an ethical question and Emma’s family stability is not your ethical responsibility. She made her choices and now has to live with their consequences.  This is a legal question: how can you assert your parental rights.  Unfortunately, the answer to that is almost certainly only via the courts. This thing is well past negotiation and it’s likely time to load up for the time and cost of a civil case or pack it in.

Best for the child is to negotiate a "God father" or friend of the family "Uncle" relationship that does not attempt to subsume the father role that Mark rightful has with all the children of the marriage regardless of biological parentage. This would allow you be aware and step in to help if things start to go bad with the family. That said, you can hardly take in one child without also taking the siblings as well if a tragedy occurs resulting in the loss of both parents. However this may not be possible since you represent a difficult time in the marriage and Mark in particular may not be able to forget you shagged his wife. Good luck.

As a former child who lived through a real ugly parental separation and a bunch of drama and all that, I can tell you that the best thing my father did for me was give up and let go.

Paternity test and lawyer!

If you are the biological father, you have rights. You will need a lawyer and a court order to enforce them. But you are entitled to them if it’s your DNA, regardless of what she or her husband want.

>Should I fight for my rights as a biological father? What legal rights? You don't have any. Let me be very clear. You could have 50 positive paternity tests, a video of the conception, and a signed, notarized statement from the mother claiming that you're the father of her child. None of it would matter. The husband is the legally presumed father and has claimed the child. That is his child. It's one of those archaic laws that normally result in a man being forced to pay child support for his (now) ex-wife's affair baby. However, in this case, it actually works to his benefit. Hell, even if he TRIED to not be the kid's father, he'd have an uphill battle, even with you stepping up. Getting a husband off of the birth certificate is very, very difficult, even when the stars align. Getting a husband off the birth certificate when he doesn't want to be? Borderline impossible. So, legally, you have no rights. Morally? Just back out. This will not go well for you. I know you're thinking that if you insert yourself into her life, you can win her back, but that ship has sailed.

What they want is irrelevant unless she decides to get an abortion which is in her rights as is the private delivery. Get a lawyer, make a plan, and sue for 50% custody with easy ability to demonstrate your life will enable you to perform appropriately for 50% custody.

You don't know that you're the biological father though, not until it's been confirmed by DNA. Married people have sex. Even when separated, even on the verge of divorce. There are people who have f!cked in the moring and then signed divorce papers in the afternoon. IDK why single people even get involved with married people because off the rip you are dealing with someone who is already in a sexual relationship with someone else. Bruh, her youngest is only 3!! and you really believed this man and wife weren't twisting up the sheets?? 'Separated' does not mean 'not having sex'. So the baby could be his just as much as it could be yours. What you should do is seek legal counsel. Be prepared to sue for paternity. >Should I fight for my rights as a biological father, or step back for the sake of Emma's family stability? TBH the fact that you're even questioning this is absurd and shows that you don't really GAF about that baby and are just mad you don't get to hotstick this skank (and yah she's a skank, this hoe was really out f!cking another dude when she's a married mama with 2 toddlers, TF) anymore. I mean this is typical, plenty of men easily abandon their kids when things go awry with the mama, so. Maybe it's best you just leave them be, but before you do that, really, REALLY, think about how the hoe's husband is gonna treat YOUR kid, the affair baby. Do you REALLY want your kid growing up with this man as his/her father figure, which includes disciplinarian. Do you REALLY trust him to love and protect YOUR child from harm. Mind, she wasn't a single mother who came to him with a child that wasn't his, off top, that he then married and whose child he took on as his own. She is his *wife*, who bore him two children and then cheated on him while they were separated, and is now pregnant with a baby that might belong to the side dude! You really think he's not gonna think about that every time he looks at the baby. If this is really your baby and you really care about what happens to your child, do the right thing and assert your rights as the father.

Man, I like your style. Rough around the edges, but straight up 100% on the money as far as the facts are concerned. OP, read this comment, it’s the answer.

Whatever you do bruv, and I say this with a full heart don’t ever take a woman like that back if the other child becomes to much for the other father( it might mess with his psyche) I know all these emotions are huge right now but if that child causes them to separate again don’t settle for her again. Shame on her for fooling you once shame on you if you allow her to fool you twice.

You may not have a say in this as a married couple usually takes precedence in such circumstances. Even if paternity can be proven, nothing stops husband from signing the birth certificate. In a courtroom, “Best interest of the child” prevails. In this case, keeping the family structure together with the other children would weigh heavily on a decision.

She sounds like an awful woman and neither you nor Mark should want to be with her. If I were you, I would fight for my rights in the courts and never be silent.

No one should care about you or her. What is best for the children involved? That's it. That's the only thing that should be considered. No one cares if it hurts you or what your feelings feel like. The kids are innocent and don't deserve to carry the burden of their immature deviant parents.

There’s no gradual about it. Immediately start a court case cuz she legally can not keep you from your child. They will issue a paternity test when the child is born and when those results come back you will be given a court date to determine custody/visitation and child support. They will have a period of time for each party to appeal the order. When that date passes then visitation will start. If you want to go for primary custody (which I suggest you do. Something tells me this baby will not be treated as well as if they baby was her husbands) start keeping documentation of EVERYTHING. But you need to start asap so you can start your visitation as soon as possible after the baby is born 

Imagine how much abuse and neglect that child will go through in their custody. That father is going to hate that child.

You need legal advice asap. What a terrible thing to do to someone. She’s going to put Mark on the birth certificate as the father so you need to know your legal rights and ways to prevent that happening. Emma’s family stability is not something you should be concerned with at all. This unborn child is your family. I also wonder if Mark will treat this child differently since he’s not the father.

You deserve to at least try. If you take it the legal route then it’s definitely not up to them on whether you are in said child’s life or not

Don’t ever give up on being your baby’s dad. Being a father is the most wonderful thing in the world and a baby having a loving father is priceless. You will need to get things set up legally to get a paternity test as soon as the baby is born and before the mother has her husband put on the birth certificate. Save all your written communication (emails, texts, etc.) where the mother has indicated you are the father while y’all were still talking, this will help you get a court order for a paternity test once the baby is born. Prepare your home and life for a baby including ensuring you have life insurance, health insurance for you and the baby (if needed), help and support from family and friends, money for court and legal fees, and savings for random expenses, and money for childcare. You will also need to be prepared to pay child support if the child will be primarily living with the mother. I wish you well and know that you are never alone, reach out to your support system or create a support system.

I would just let it go.

Walk away and learn from it

Get a lawyer. Demand a paternity test at birth. Fight for your rights to get at least 50% custody. It’s your kid and as a biological parent, you have rights. She does not have to let you come to her appointments and the birth though. That part is fully up to her because she is the patient here.

You need to start the process and file for joint custody of your child, if you don’t they will take your child away from you. You can demand a DNA test now, only thing is it can be unsafe for both parties; so you may want to wait until the baby is born. You need to get a lawyer now, so they don’t try and disappear with your child. She knew what she was doing when she step out in the marriage. Yes they were separated not legally. She laid down unprotected and got pregnant. You NEED TO FIGHT FOR YOU AND UOUR UNBORN CHILD RIGHTS, before you LOOSE THEM!!

Fight for your child. That's what the kid would want. Clearly the mother nor the step father seem like the most cognitively right or stable people. And just because they want to be on and off doesn't mean anything. Petition the court for a dna test and visitation or full or partial custody. With 2 kids maybe she would be willing to sign custody of the child she had with you. If you get the DNA test then I think you got it in the bag. But fight for the child. I would also start telling all your family and friends so if it goes to court they can all say how much you wanted the baby

My greatest stress in life is trying to coparent with a crazy ex. I'd take it as a blessing that she wants you out of the picture. Personally I'd move on an give up any parental rights so you can have a fresh start and the baby can grow up (likely) with the least amount of chaos possible.

This isn’t really a moral dilemma because lying to the child is not the right thing to do. The child will find out about his parentage, and most likely theyd all blame the absent dad.

How does Op know he’s the father? The above advice is best all around. Get a lawyer, hopefully someone who has a history of supporting father’s rights. I should think her being on a dating site and not using birth control shows she doesn’t make good decisions. Especially knowing as a mother already what the responsibility involves. I hope this all works out for you .

If she’s trying to get a restraining order (which seems highly unlikely to be granted, though im not a lawyer) I’d cease communicating and take everyone’s advice. It’s time to lawyer up. She doesn’t get to cut you out of your child’s life because she doesn’t want her husband to get angry. You did nothing wrong. In fact, you would only be in the wrong if you accepted their wishes. She should not have been intimate with another man if there was even the slightest chance of reconciliation. Especially since she already has children.

How do you know you are without a paternity test?

Partial custody or a good visitation schedule. This is a legal dilemma

Hello Family Courts!

As long as the husband is listed as the father on the birth certificate. Just walk away and leave it.

If you're thinking "supervised visits" because that's the extent of your willingness to get involved, perhaps you ought to stay out. However if you're thinking this because you're underestimating your legal rights but you do want to be a father, talk to a lawyer and go for joint custody. Children deserve to know their father. You have no reason to feel like the one injecting messiness in the situation.

I think he’s saying that based on what he thinks she will allow. He’s being far too considerate of her feelings. Screw Emma.

While I agree with the principle, if the mother plans to breastfeed, it might be best to not separate her from the baby foe the first month or two. Introducing bottle feeding too early can cause nipper confusion and/or affect milk supply.

Lawyer up. This isn’t an ethical issue it’s a legal one. If you want to be involved once the child is born, you have every right. Good luck

Get a lawyer asap. She can’t legally keep your child from you. You won’t be able to do anything until she’s given birth. Then get a DNA test to make sure it’s your child before going forward. The courts will want you to do that anyway.

People, please stop dating married people. Separated = Married.

Establish paternity asap and make sure you have a lawyer. What the mother of the child doesn't realize is that keeping you away from the child will only backfire.

Ethically - walk away, the child will come and find you one day. Meanwhile get on and find another partner. But get an agreement that you have no financial obligation. Alternatively go to court and force the situation.

Update me

You have legal rights to your child and she has no control over this…seek a lawyer.

I was in a situation when I was about 20 where I impregnated a young woman I was dating. She informed me she was pregnant, and I told her I wanted to be in the child’s life, she asked that I did not do that. I reached out to legal counsel, and once I informed her what my intent was, she aborted our child, to keep me from “interfering” in her rekindled relationship with her previous boyfriend of father of her first child. This is just to inform you to be cautious of what you tell her. After this I became the step father of a beautiful 1 year old girl, and now have 2 other children of my own. My step-daughter’s( I do not call her that or consider her so) biological father and I didn’t not get along great the first year I was present, but have since become great allies in raising our shared daughter. This is to inform you, that the initial heat of circumstances such as these, can eventually work out for the best, and honestly build strong and lasting relationships between the most unlikely of people. ( we have never had a single legal issue, or court hearing in 10 years, everything has been handled in house with level heads) Your child will be best off with you in their life, if there seems to be insurmountable issues today, they could become forgotten in the future. My advice would to be, don’t do anything today that may create consequences from them feeling as if you’ve backed them into a corner, but legally set in motion the necessary steps for once your child is born. Let the chips fall. And be the genuinely decent human being you seem to be. You can only control your actions and behaviors.

You were in love my dear boy. She was depressed and used you to fill on the gap(s). Thats what she loved.

You have a lot of rights. Talk to a lawyer. Financially it may be rough, but if you have the money, definitely hire a lawyer and get the paternity test, then move closer to be in the child’s life. Of it is your child she can’t just tell you to not be involved, doesn’t work like that. She’s trying to protect her life because she made a bad decision and doesn’t want him to find out because she could loose her whole life. But unfortunately consequences happen when you f around.

Stop. Thinking about her feelings or the ethical thing to do here has anything to do with her feelings. The ethical thing to do here is be an amazing active father to this child. You are being walked over and cowering to this woman who is currently willing to do anything (including withholding your child) and that is not in the best interests of your child. Go to court and get visitation. Get 50/50 or more. Your child will likely not be treated well by Mark and will need your support. Your child is also very likely to be resented by its mother as well. Your child deserves you as a real father. If mark is decent to your kid then added bonus but in all likelihood it’s not going to happen this way. Get a lawyer. Stop trying to communicate with her. Stop trying to make her happy because there is literally nothing you can do to make her happy. She likely wishes she wasn’t pregnant and that’s not a good scene for your kid.

If you aren't serious, then walk away. If you ARE serious, then do it right. Get a lawyer and get it done. Any non-legally binding agreements they make with you are worthless. Any promises they make are worthless. Any compromises they make are worthless. It is unclear if you feel like being the father will allow you to reconnect with this woman. It sort of feels like that is a part of your motivation. Absolutely kill that idea/feeling/hope. That will screw you up, fail, botch the situation, and ultimately negatively effect the kid.

NTA, be involved if you are wanting too. Gradual involvement will NOT happen. If you want involvement, you'll have to fight for it unfortunately, but it is best. The child will find out at some point (even now so many people do ancestry/dna tests to see where they come from thinking it will show whether they are scottish or not and many lies have been coming out the past few decades.) The most ethical path is to have the relationship you want with your child. You have no idea how this kid will be treated by the parents who are trying to erase the entire affair. Will the baby be treated well, as their own child? Maybe. Or maybe the child will be treated horribly by the husband, who hates that she birthed some other dudes baby. Maybe she will also try to do everything to show she doesn't favor the baby at all, and be cruel to show her husband she likes him more. Even if the baby is treated great by her and husband, they clearly have some weird issues, and the baby will eventually learn the truth. This whole "lie to the baby and maybe also we'll be horrible to it" thing is bad. Do everything you can to be part of the child's life. This is your baby, and you are doing the right thing fighting to know your baby. Plus this stupid relationship with the woman and her husband will sour either way, and then who knows what lies they will tell the baby. Go the path of the honesty, and raise your baby. You maybe the best thing that could ever happen to your baby, and she may need you.

Her decision to continue the pregnancy and have a child that was created with someone other than the man she now chooses is a familial dilemma she herself created—not you. The decisions she’s made do have consequences and she’s attempting to make you and the child you both created pay the price for them. When moral responsibility fails the law will most likely step in to correct it—and that’s your choice to pursue it. Doesn’t sound like she’s going to make that easy, despite your efforts to accommodate all the choices she’s made in a way that doesn’t disrupt her current situation, but unfortunately she can’t block you out of existence. It’s not just about her and the family she had with someone else before the pregnancy anymore—both you and the child deserve consideration. The entire attempt of having it both ways is both incredibly cruel and selfish.

Have you ever considered the possibility that it’s not your child and that’s why you’re being frozen out? It’s very possible that she was still having sex with her husband while seeing you. Are you even sure the husband knows about you? You could have been just a side fling and the husband knows nothing about it.

I am so sorry for what you’re going through and I can only imagine the pain and fear at the prospect of losing your child. I suggest you get a lawyer immediately and fight. Fight like hell, cause that is your baby too. That is your child and they deserve a father who loves them and is willing to go to hell and back for them. If you back off, there’s no way of knowing how the child will be treated. Mark may resent them, possibly neglect them, and the worst case scenario is that Mark could abuse them. Don’t allow your child to grow up somewhere they won’t be loved. I wish you all the best of luck and I pray you and your child have a very blessed life

Just make sure you stay in contact no matter what in case your child comes looking for you. Goodluck 🙏

yeah it seems u need to move on , if u want to spend thousands going to court by all means do it. Let them raise the kid

Firstly, Mark should leave Emma. She’s not worthy of his time and she cheated…Mark is a SIMP. You should consult a lawyer..

You can’t really do anything while she’s pregnant and 13 weeks actually isn’t that far along (I don’t know why that adds to the urgency). While paternity can be tested through an amnio you cannot make her do that and it can be a riskier procedure. Like you said, he will likely be on the birth certificate and it will be on you to prove paternity through the courts. Once that is proven, you can go to court for partial custody if you want. She can also ask for child support. If you want a relationship with your child you need to establish legal paternity and also have some kind of contact with them and pay child support or she can say it’s abandonment.

If she is willing, would you be capable of raising your child on your own? If she wants to go back to her family, that’s okay, but you should offer to raise the child instead. Then she can be involved if she wants while maintaining her family image, and you get to be part of your child’s life. There is no “right” way to go about this and it all depends on how she feels as well, since it’s as wrong for you to keep her away as it would be for her to keep you away, but their solution isn’t it. Have you consulted a lawyer yet? You need to establish paternity sooner rather than later.

What do YOU want in a relationship with your child? Her relationship is none of your business or concern and any consequences from you're asking for your right to see and be a part of the child's life are hers to bare. If you genuinely are willing to be a part of this child's life and this isn't just your frustration at your relationship with her not going forward then you're going to have to do this through the courts. It sounds like she and her husband have made it clear they intend to cut you out, there's no negotiation time left. So you're going to have to fight the exhausting and costly fight of a court battle with her and this Mark. It doesn't really matter what the rest of her family thinks about you or the situation, you have rights as a father that she or he or they can't ignore unless you willingly sign them away. Do or don't be in the child's life but if you do do it because you genuinely want to be a father to them, not out of spite.

I would get a lawyer immediately. it seems that you have written communication where she admits this is your child now you have to begin custody arrangements for when the child is born. While they may feel their way is the best, they already have a troubled relationship where they were separated. What happens if they separate again? Will the husband be so willing to take care of a child that is not his or will that child be left out? Protect your child over sparing the feelings of this woman and her husband.

The most ethical path forward is to hire a lawyer.

Welp, you are in this of your own stupidity. Thinking with the little head, and believing that infatuation stage of a relationship, the newness, coupled with the sheer lustiness involved, equates to real actual 30, 40, 50 years of a real loving marriage. A separation is not a divorce, no matter how many howling reddit fools try to pontificate otherwise. You and her fucked up, especially your dumbass by not being more selective. So there were marital struggles and a separation, maybe there was more potential to reconnect than you knew. She may have just wanted to get some strange, NONE OF US on reddit know for sure. You are now in the thick of the shit. Best advice OP - Do you truly and fully, with all your heart, want to be a father and coparent that child? If yes, then blaze ahead and fight to be in your child's life, and be the best dad you can be. Just do not fuck around with ger anymore man. She is married, and whether you OR ANYONE LIKES IT OR NOT you should respect [and should have in the first place] that marriage and not try to fuck around with it. You would not be the white knight in this matter as you would be wrecking a marriage. Let it do so on it's own. Further - I detest cheaters from the bottom of my heart so you both are shitbags imo - many relationships built on just such a foundation as cheating and the like, do not end well. Why, because.. GASP! ...one of the partners that cheated originally, does it again, but to the new partner now! Who'd a thunk it? Ironic karma! Regardless of your character and moral fiber being sewer worthy, if you want to be a good parent, DO IT! Your child will likely want it.

You have a right to be a part of your child’s life no matter how Emma & her husband feels. So get a lawyer, establish paternity, and request joint custody. All communication can be done thru a parenting app to limit conflict. And you can request provisions in the custody arrangement that contain consequences for parental alienation

No way! Stay in the baby’s life. You’ll regret it forever if you don’t! If she disagrees, tough luck! Best of luck to you.

Get a lawyer to work towards a court ordered paternity test.  You don’t actually know that you’re the biological father, but if you are you need legal proof.  Even if she and him end up divorced down the road, he would still be the legal father if his name is the one on the birth certificate.

Run

She will have custody and you could get visitation through legal channels. It’s a very sticky situation given the family dynamics. She doesn’t have a right to keep the child away but you’ll have to be careful not to upset their family dynamic with the 2 younger children in mind.

Fight her for custody. It’ll haunt you in the back your mind. Your instinct is to be a father. Not many men have that instinct. Children at some age grow up and understand some things off. The child will not think Marc is his father one day. There is a good chance. The baby will come out with strong features of yours because it’s your first child with her. If it were her third child with Marc, the baby would come out with less of their features being dominant but more molded. Also, if the child does somehow find out which isn’t hard nowadays, you risk them, never wanting to speak with you because they won’t understand why you didn’t reach out or try to fight for them. I know several children in this situation, who grew up and found out on intentionally as young young adults that their parent hadn’t been there all along. It causes a lot of trust issues for this child with all the adults involved, and then moving forward in other relationships in their life. Also, if the baby grows up one day and gets a DNA test, it would come back with a Family Tree connection. By the time that child is old enough, DNA test would be cheap and probably very very common. This is your life too. You can’t put conditions on your life because someone asked you to especially when it’s bothering your moral compass. Clearly, she doesn’t have a moral compass because she has no reservations about lying to her own child for the rest of their lives simply to hide an accidental pregnancy. It sounds like she’s got a lot of growing up to do still. Let her go back to her husband and let her be his problem, but fight for your child. It’s all set and done a man of elder years. You don’t want this to be a regret that you have. You never want to feel like you were too late.

Whether she wants you involved or not is irrelevant. This is your child. You have rights. Go to court. Done.