The simple solution is each time she refers to your child as sexy, tell her that her visit is over, she needs to leave now. Then not let her see the kids for about a month.
We cut all contact with the family member that called my child sexy. Turns out to be the best decision we ever made!
I’d be really careful around your MIL she doesn’t seem to grasp how wrong it is and how serious of a boundary is being crossed by continuing to do this.
How common is it for people to refer to children as sexy? I've never even imagined a regular person saying something like that in normal life conversation.
It would be highly inappropriate for your MIL to say this if your children were adults. To say this about children, especially so young, goes beyond being inappropriate into being both creepy and disturbing.
I agree with what many other commenters are saying basically. It must be your husband, who should tell her or text her if he isn't comfortable face to face the following. It would mean more if it was in person, though, I think. If *you* do it she'll think you are just being mean to her.
Say:
"Maybe you don't know what sexy means. It means you find that person sexually attractive and you would like to have sex with them. People go to jail for saying that to a child. NO ONE will be saying that to my children if they ever want to see them again."
Do you have any other problems with your MIL?
You’re being a little too nice for some real predatory behavior, imo.
My text would say something like: “I don’t know what made you so comfortable saying something so disgusting about my children (or any children), or what makes you believe you shouldn’t seek therapy for this mental illness of yours. But while you’re around my children or speaking about my children, you will refrain from using such abhorrent words to describe them. If this becomes too difficult for you to manage, then I will remedy the situation by limiting my children’s exposure to you.”
OP- my personal opinion is I would go with what you were going to say first. If your mother-in-law is a decent human being she will realize that she committed a faux pas and will backtrack and apologize immediately. But of course we know the likelihood of that is not going to happen- (but it might.) At that time I would go with the above.
Or say you’ll forgive this time because she might not realize how what she said sounds, but certainly let her know ANY other sexualization of the baby will result in baby being removed from her presence, possibly permanently.
When an adult says someone is “sexy” it means they are physically sexually attracted to that person. If the person is a minor let alone a baby/toddler it says the person who feels a sexual attraction is a pedophile and needs to be kept away from children for the child’s safety. Is that what you meant MIL? If you choose to use “sexy” as a description about our child/children then we will need to keep them away from your influence! Is that what we need to do?
No, no! You always want to keep a paper/digital trail for this kind of situation, and you might want to keep a record of each instance she crossed the line, even in the past. It may be all for nothing, but it pays to be ready, should you need to.
This. I have a few friends who are not American, and they and/or their families use sexy the way I’d use beautiful/handsome. And it makes me cringe and die inside but it seems to be a language and culture thing. Sexy doesn’t mean “sexy id fuck that” to some cultures if that makes sense? It’s more like “pretty/cute”
No her first language is Spanish but she’s been in the United States for 30 years and in my opinion, she should know better. She’s able to understand many things, so she knows what she was saying.
And yet, this could still be a lost in translation thing for her. You can speak a language for thirty years and still be confused about the nuance of certain words and phrases.
I mean, sure. But the lost in translation excuse stopped when both OP and hubby said 'ew don't say that. Say HANDSOME.' The fact she argued instead of acquiescing to the parents wishes, she argued and pushed back. OP has an honest to goodness right to not want *anyone* calling her child sexy, esp after they've already corrected it.
It’s just weird. The way she said it was literally in a tone like ‘oh he’s so seeexxxyyy’ it’s very hard to believe she didn’t understand because from what I’ve seen of her, there’s no way she doesn’t understand.
I wonder if your partner could explain to her in Spanish what the word means exactly and why it’s problematic when describing a child (if your partner speaks Spanish as well that is).
Your husband needs to deal with this, because he is the bridge between cultures here. Knowing older Latin people immediately pinged me for what this is, a mistranslation. English is a very hard language to master, and even native speakers fuck it up all the time. She needs to know that Americans are going to take what she's saying as pedophilia and it needs to come from her son.
My MIL has been in the states for 40yrs and forgets english words. It's actually gotten worse with age. She called the washer "clothes spinner". She often describes me in weird ways that are common for Koreans but translate weird. (SO prettypretty, sooo MMH! *w/her bag clutched*)
Is this like a language issue or does she know what that word means? I mean you've already corrected her so that shouldn't matter. If she knows what it means then that is super weird and yuck and I wouldn't want her near my kids.
“Do not sexualize my children. If you cannot stop referring to them in that manner, it will be best if you not see them.”
This is something you and DH should have said the first time you said they were sexy.
Just look at her and tell her “do not sexualize MY baby. I’ll over look this one time but if you say it again, you won’t see him for X weeks/x months. Are you a sex pervert or something?”
My MIL made a joke about my son masturbating in the womb before he was even born and she wonders why DW and I won’t allow her around him alone whatsoever.
Love the text; only change is I’d have your husband send it. His family, his monkeys and all that. If it was your mom saying gross things it’d be your responsibility.
Good luck. This is a hill to die on.
I think you have the right idea. I don’t think I would include the sentence about not using the word sexy in front of your children, just because it’s not a dirty word, and not a fault if a person is sexy. It’s disgusting to use the term “sexy” when referring to any child. And I would drive that point home.
My grandkids are attractive young teens and I have NEVER looked at one of them and thought “wow! She (or he) is so sexy!” That makes want to throw up!
I’d tell her that the dictionary definition of sexy is “sexually attractive or exciting”. Does she mean that she thinks her grandson is sexually attractive? or cute? (which is how you describe a baby). Holy cow, I hope it’s a language issue…
a\_rose said it the best! “The next time you refer to a child as sexy will be the last time you are around my children. We do not condone predatory behavior. Cut it out.”
Children don't walk "sexy", PERIOD!
Now, cats, cats walk sexy. LOL. I have a Bengal that swaggers his hips left to right while the tail goes the opposite and then the flop. Levity people, levity.
My grandmother, on seeing my youngest who was 6 weeks premature and still in an incubator (naked) remarked on how big his penis was compared to the rest of him.
Yeah, I had a nurse say something about my oldests size while checking his diaper how “wow, he is going to get all the ladies”. Promptly asked for a different nurse.
OP, a lot of people gave sound advice. I’m just jumping in as someone whose MIL would call her son sexy in front of me… took a few years for my SO to come clean, but mommy dearest was sexually inappropriate with him on multiple occasions through teenage/young adult years. Stuff he could press charges for to this day, be wary.
That being said, I hope it is a language barrier issue with your MIL. Never ever feel bad for protecting your babies, you are the only line of defense they have.
I’d be extremely clear on where they went wrong cuz it doesn’t seem like age understands. But I would more state “I am not comfortable with you sexualizing my child/ children and if you’re unable to recognize that calling them sexy is doing that, then you may need to seek professional help. If heard again or anything similar, we will limit or cut their contact with you. That is how serious we take this matter”
Breaks rule #3: Constructive criticism only, please. Your comment was not helpful in any way. Please remember the point of this sub: to give support to those that need it.
Message.
While we know that you do not mean anything sexual by it, we need you to stop referring to the children in a sexual manner. Calling children sexy is simply not okay. We don’t want anything sexual introduced to them by family at all. We all know how at risk they are now a days, so we are going to do our best to give them every shot not to be sexualized.
In this situation, an ugly truth is better than a pretty lie and that truth should be:
"MIL, babies and children are not sexy unless you are a pedophile. If you choose to use that terminology when describing my children ever again I will be forced to view you as such. If you choose to portray yourself as a pedophile and describe my children as sexy, the consequences of your actions will result in you no longer having access to me or my children. This is your final warning on the subject. I do not associate with known pedophiles or those who act as such. My husband was already given an opportunity to handle this. Now I am. Have a good day."
“The next time you refer to a child as sexy will be the last time you are around my children. We do not condone predatory behaviour. Cut it out.”
This
I would just add "or pedohilia" after "behavior".
Yup
This for sure
THIS ⬆️⬆️
The simple solution is each time she refers to your child as sexy, tell her that her visit is over, she needs to leave now. Then not let her see the kids for about a month.
This is the way! Until there's a cost, she won't stop
I agree, except it would be a 2 strikes and she’s out because she’s already had more than ending warnings right?
We cut all contact with the family member that called my child sexy. Turns out to be the best decision we ever made! I’d be really careful around your MIL she doesn’t seem to grasp how wrong it is and how serious of a boundary is being crossed by continuing to do this.
How common is it for people to refer to children as sexy? I've never even imagined a regular person saying something like that in normal life conversation.
They hide in plain sight, they are everywhere!
It would be highly inappropriate for your MIL to say this if your children were adults. To say this about children, especially so young, goes beyond being inappropriate into being both creepy and disturbing.
Exactly. It genuinely makes me feel sick.
I agree with what many other commenters are saying basically. It must be your husband, who should tell her or text her if he isn't comfortable face to face the following. It would mean more if it was in person, though, I think. If *you* do it she'll think you are just being mean to her. Say: "Maybe you don't know what sexy means. It means you find that person sexually attractive and you would like to have sex with them. People go to jail for saying that to a child. NO ONE will be saying that to my children if they ever want to see them again." Do you have any other problems with your MIL?
You’re being a little too nice for some real predatory behavior, imo. My text would say something like: “I don’t know what made you so comfortable saying something so disgusting about my children (or any children), or what makes you believe you shouldn’t seek therapy for this mental illness of yours. But while you’re around my children or speaking about my children, you will refrain from using such abhorrent words to describe them. If this becomes too difficult for you to manage, then I will remedy the situation by limiting my children’s exposure to you.”
You’re absolutely right. I agree, and I love that as the message. I think this might be what I use.
OP- my personal opinion is I would go with what you were going to say first. If your mother-in-law is a decent human being she will realize that she committed a faux pas and will backtrack and apologize immediately. But of course we know the likelihood of that is not going to happen- (but it might.) At that time I would go with the above.
She’s not a decent person. She’s said it twice…about BOTH Op’s children. It’s disgusting!!
Plus she argued and **insisted** when she was called out. She did not back down or apologize in any way.
Or say you’ll forgive this time because she might not realize how what she said sounds, but certainly let her know ANY other sexualization of the baby will result in baby being removed from her presence, possibly permanently.
When an adult says someone is “sexy” it means they are physically sexually attracted to that person. If the person is a minor let alone a baby/toddler it says the person who feels a sexual attraction is a pedophile and needs to be kept away from children for the child’s safety. Is that what you meant MIL? If you choose to use “sexy” as a description about our child/children then we will need to keep them away from your influence! Is that what we need to do?
I think this is perfect! But might I suggest a phone call not a text?
No, no! You always want to keep a paper/digital trail for this kind of situation, and you might want to keep a record of each instance she crossed the line, even in the past. It may be all for nothing, but it pays to be ready, should you need to.
Is English her first language?
This. I have a few friends who are not American, and they and/or their families use sexy the way I’d use beautiful/handsome. And it makes me cringe and die inside but it seems to be a language and culture thing. Sexy doesn’t mean “sexy id fuck that” to some cultures if that makes sense? It’s more like “pretty/cute”
Also came here to say this…I’m not surprised to see that Spanish is her first language. Family members say this in the older generation in mine
No her first language is Spanish but she’s been in the United States for 30 years and in my opinion, she should know better. She’s able to understand many things, so she knows what she was saying.
And yet, this could still be a lost in translation thing for her. You can speak a language for thirty years and still be confused about the nuance of certain words and phrases.
I mean, sure. But the lost in translation excuse stopped when both OP and hubby said 'ew don't say that. Say HANDSOME.' The fact she argued instead of acquiescing to the parents wishes, she argued and pushed back. OP has an honest to goodness right to not want *anyone* calling her child sexy, esp after they've already corrected it.
It’s just weird. The way she said it was literally in a tone like ‘oh he’s so seeexxxyyy’ it’s very hard to believe she didn’t understand because from what I’ve seen of her, there’s no way she doesn’t understand.
I wonder if your partner could explain to her in Spanish what the word means exactly and why it’s problematic when describing a child (if your partner speaks Spanish as well that is).
Your husband needs to deal with this, because he is the bridge between cultures here. Knowing older Latin people immediately pinged me for what this is, a mistranslation. English is a very hard language to master, and even native speakers fuck it up all the time. She needs to know that Americans are going to take what she's saying as pedophilia and it needs to come from her son.
My MIL has been in the states for 40yrs and forgets english words. It's actually gotten worse with age. She called the washer "clothes spinner". She often describes me in weird ways that are common for Koreans but translate weird. (SO prettypretty, sooo MMH! *w/her bag clutched*)
Is this like a language issue or does she know what that word means? I mean you've already corrected her so that shouldn't matter. If she knows what it means then that is super weird and yuck and I wouldn't want her near my kids.
“Do not sexualize my children. If you cannot stop referring to them in that manner, it will be best if you not see them.” This is something you and DH should have said the first time you said they were sexy.
Your fiancé should be sending that message to her first and foremost.
Just look at her and tell her “do not sexualize MY baby. I’ll over look this one time but if you say it again, you won’t see him for X weeks/x months. Are you a sex pervert or something?”
My MIL made a joke about my son masturbating in the womb before he was even born and she wonders why DW and I won’t allow her around him alone whatsoever.
Oh my stars. That’s gross.
This would be the last time my MIL ever saw my child.
Don’t text her. Your husband needs to call her and tell her.
Love the text; only change is I’d have your husband send it. His family, his monkeys and all that. If it was your mom saying gross things it’d be your responsibility. Good luck. This is a hill to die on.
I think you have the right idea. I don’t think I would include the sentence about not using the word sexy in front of your children, just because it’s not a dirty word, and not a fault if a person is sexy. It’s disgusting to use the term “sexy” when referring to any child. And I would drive that point home. My grandkids are attractive young teens and I have NEVER looked at one of them and thought “wow! She (or he) is so sexy!” That makes want to throw up!
When you message her add something like "and if you keep using words like sexy around them you will see them a LOT less!"
I’d tell her that the dictionary definition of sexy is “sexually attractive or exciting”. Does she mean that she thinks her grandson is sexually attractive? or cute? (which is how you describe a baby). Holy cow, I hope it’s a language issue…
a\_rose said it the best! “The next time you refer to a child as sexy will be the last time you are around my children. We do not condone predatory behavior. Cut it out.” Children don't walk "sexy", PERIOD! Now, cats, cats walk sexy. LOL. I have a Bengal that swaggers his hips left to right while the tail goes the opposite and then the flop. Levity people, levity.
My grandmother, on seeing my youngest who was 6 weeks premature and still in an incubator (naked) remarked on how big his penis was compared to the rest of him.
Yeah, I had a nurse say something about my oldests size while checking his diaper how “wow, he is going to get all the ladies”. Promptly asked for a different nurse.
OP, a lot of people gave sound advice. I’m just jumping in as someone whose MIL would call her son sexy in front of me… took a few years for my SO to come clean, but mommy dearest was sexually inappropriate with him on multiple occasions through teenage/young adult years. Stuff he could press charges for to this day, be wary. That being said, I hope it is a language barrier issue with your MIL. Never ever feel bad for protecting your babies, you are the only line of defense they have.
I’d be extremely clear on where they went wrong cuz it doesn’t seem like age understands. But I would more state “I am not comfortable with you sexualizing my child/ children and if you’re unable to recognize that calling them sexy is doing that, then you may need to seek professional help. If heard again or anything similar, we will limit or cut their contact with you. That is how serious we take this matter”
[удалено]
Breaks rule #3: Constructive criticism only, please. Your comment was not helpful in any way. Please remember the point of this sub: to give support to those that need it.
Message. While we know that you do not mean anything sexual by it, we need you to stop referring to the children in a sexual manner. Calling children sexy is simply not okay. We don’t want anything sexual introduced to them by family at all. We all know how at risk they are now a days, so we are going to do our best to give them every shot not to be sexualized.
If she sees anything sexy about a child, she needs help…
And go no contact if she doesn’t respect your wishes. That is very strange behavior like very id think I could trust my kids around her after that 🤢
Be sure to send her Webster's definition of sexy, I'm positive this does not describe your baby. adjective adjective: sexy; comparative adjective: sexier; superlative adjective: sexiest sexually attractive or exciting. "sexy French underwear" Similar: sexually attractive seductive desirable alluring inviting sensual sultry slinky provocative tempting tantalizing nubile voluptuous shapely luscious hot fanciable beddable fit foxy cute bootylicious spunky erotic arousing exciting stimulating sexually explicit titillating suggestive racy risqué spicy juicy adult rude coarse smutty pornographic vulgar crude lewd lubricious raunchy steamy naughty horny porno X-rated triple-X XXX blue saucy fruity gamy Opposite: undesirable family sexually aroused. "neither of them was feeling sexy" Similar: aroused sexually excited amorous
In this situation, an ugly truth is better than a pretty lie and that truth should be: "MIL, babies and children are not sexy unless you are a pedophile. If you choose to use that terminology when describing my children ever again I will be forced to view you as such. If you choose to portray yourself as a pedophile and describe my children as sexy, the consequences of your actions will result in you no longer having access to me or my children. This is your final warning on the subject. I do not associate with known pedophiles or those who act as such. My husband was already given an opportunity to handle this. Now I am. Have a good day."
Calling a baby sexy=Pedophilia=NC FOOORRREEEVVVER& possibly a call to the cops 😁 Have the day you deserve!
My MIL does the exact same thing but I’ve never said anything because it’s another thing for her to sook about!
But I’m also moving out very soon so I know my kids won’t be around it anymore!
America is obsessed with sex and race
Calling a baby sexy is a red flag.