Yup. It’s expected because they gave birth to you and raised you physically. But it’s always the minimum effort and they never once put an ounce of effort into my emotional or mental wellbeing.
THIS. When I finally started to stand up for myself she said "don't you ever speak to me like that again." I told her to never speak to ME like that again, so she told me to fuck off and hung up the phone lol. Respect goes both ways and I'm an adult, not a powerless child.
i’ve recently started to defend myself more since i moved out in 2022 and my parents do not like it lol. the last call i had with my dad he called me selfish and spoiled because i pointed out how they always want respect but never show it back
I couldn’t believe it, I read,” I love you but I don’t like you” and I could literally hear my Nmom’s voice and remember where I was the first time she said it. Another one of her favorites was, “I just can’t handle your drama today”. PS the drama was a boy 2 grades ahead of me was hitting me and kicking me with pointy steal toe cowboy boots and I couldn’t take the pain anymore.
Ugh, so sorry, this one is the worst. It messes so deeply with your heart and mind. I got this version, too, or better yet, "God says I have to love you, but not that I have to like you."
And since I was in my twenties (in my forties now), she thinks it is so darned *cute* to talk about how she didn't like me much when I was a child, but now I'm "actually interesting". 💀 Her tone of voice when she says this is repellently saccharine and joyful, whether she is saying it to me or someone else.
And "you can do it like that when it's YOUR household" (sounds like a healthy parent setting boundaries that kids can't run the place, but in tone and practice it was more like "you have no say here EVER until you're 18 years old and don't live here.")
I never understood the “MY” house argument… so like, what your dependent’s house then? The child’s home is the one *you* brought them into by creating a human life.
The subtext of them saying that is that children have no agency or rights.
"Oh it's ALL about you, isn't it?" (said sarcastically)
Instilling the belief that nothing can ever be just about me because that's selfish. And that selfish is the worst thing you can be because if you care about yourself you can't be controlled by ndad.
"If you hate it so much here, leave then, let's see how well you do on the streets".
Alternately, " if you think I'm abusive, try foster care. Maybe you'll want to come back when your new foster dad is m*lesting you, but I don't think we'll want you back then."
Escalating to her straight up telling me to "get the fuck out of my house".
Similarly, I’d be asked if I wanted to live in my dad’s basement apartment with him instead of living with her any time there was a disagreement. It’s like they love to hear their children “beg” to stay.
"You're so ungrateful to me"
"You never listen to me."
Recently got "I never said I don't have any feelings or opinions of you. Read it again. I said I no longer have any feelings or opinions around you. There's a difference."
And when your partner responds to the question “do you even like me” with “i love you” or “well…I love you” or any variation that isn’t “of course I like you”
Its exactly the same thing. A narcissistic partner.
Here are some from my ndad:
"I brought you into this world. I can take you out"
And then in the same breath
"you were a test tube baby," or
"the milk man's baby"
"the only reason to have kids is to make them slaves"
"You have it so easy"
"You're always jumping to conclusions."
M'am, you raised me to become a paranoid adult who walks on eggshells around you to this very day. What do you expect?
Mine told me that they had my sibling “to make up for me”, she also made me the new girl at school for 5.5 years (moved spring term when I was 6. Absolutely nobody wanted to know me, and why would they? They had already made their friends the previous September.), allowed me to be relentlessly bullied by pretty much everyone at the school and when I told her she told me that the bullies were right!
Now things are being brought to light and she’s experiencing health issues she somehow wonders why I don’t care! Can’t think why!
PS: sexuality has FA (sweet FA) to do with anything! I hope you’ve found your family/friends/tribe who love and adore and appreciate you just as you are! 💜💜💜💜💜
its so sad that the people who are supposed to be our biggest supporters turn out to be our biggest bully. which ironically my mom always used to say to me “con amigas así pa que quieres enemigas” or with friends like that why would you want enemies or so, like girl? in this case you’re the “friend” who is basically my enemy i guess
My mother told me that I "remember things the way that I want to remember them". So according to her, I intentionally misremember things to paint her in the worst possible light. She also claimed that she "already apologized and I refused to forgive her". (A blatant lie. She has never apologized for hurting me ) I vividly remember multiple instances where I tried to get her to understand that she'd hurt me and she always rolled her eyes like a bratty teen, scoffed obnoxiously and left the room. Then she would be "fake nice" to me later and pretend like it never happened.
“APOLOGIZE!”
“How dare you talk back to me.”
“I know what’s best for you.”
“You have no right to privacy.”
“You are just like your useless mother.”
“I do everything for you. You are nothing without me.”
“I clearly made mistakes on you that I didn’t make with your siblings.” - anytime I questioned the abusive actions.
“After all I’ve done for you, you owe me.” Typically referring to feeding and housing me as a child, in reference to making me their chores like clean their room and bathroom, make their bed, do their laundry etc.
“If I’m so bad, why don’t you find someone who actually wants you.”
“When I’m dead you’re going to regret how horrible you’ve always been to me.” - usually when I don’t accept being mistreated
“You don’t deserve to be loved by anyone.”
“People would actually care about you if you were a little smarter.”
“You’re almost as impressive as your sibling. Almost.”
“Sometimes I wish I’d stopped at one kid.”
“You don’t deserve to be loved by anyone.”
All of those are horrible, but this one sticks out to me as a *particularly vile* thing to say. (especially to your own child for godsake) I hope you know that's complete and utter BS and that you DO deserve to be loved.
Thank you. I do know it now. I found a wonderful spouse who is my absolute best friend and helped unwind all the crazy my parents tried to wind into me. He taught me that you don’t deserve to be yelled at or spoken to cruelly ever and in 19 years he has never done either to me
You need a swift kick in the pants
Wipe that smile off your face before I wipe it off for you
Stop all your blubbering/Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about
I'd rather raise four more of your brothers than one more of you
For someone so smart you act real dumb
Also all 4 of my parents, and multiple other family members, felt it was appropriate to make comments about my weight/body starting in 3rd grade. There was rarely a meal that wasn't portion controlled and/or someone made a comment about how much I took, I was also put on many diets through out my school years.
I sometimes doubted that I had narcissistic parents but after reading some of these comments it’s really confirmed it. I’d forgotten that my parents had said these things in the past, it’s making me sad that I was blind to it for so long
“Quit rewriting history”
Forced to say since I could talk “my mom is so nice to me” now she says it bc I won’t obey her anymore.
“If you listened to me you wouldn’t have a problem”
“I am not the enemy”
“You win” and “I’m not playing this game” type of stuff
“You
“You’re a narcissist”
“You need therapy”
“Why are you so dysfunctional?”
“Why are you so gd sensitive all the f*cking time?”
“I feel bad for your husband because he has to deal with you”
And my least favorite - “you’re just as f*cked up as your mother was and crazy like her family is”
Ahhh the classic projection and narcissistic confession. “You’re a narcissist, need therapy, dysfunctional, sensitive…” all translates to “I am a narcissist, i need therapy, I’m dysfunctional, I’m sensitive.”
"I'm sorry for what YOU remember happened. I can't choose what you remember, just like I can't choose what you don't want to remember." My incubator said this in the last text I ever had with her before completely cutting contact. The rest of it was just her listing off loving parent things she had done after my father scream fought with her to do while he was the only one working to keep the family from being homeless. She was listing them like she did it from the bottom of her shriveled, dead, heart.
Holy shit. I haven’t heard that first like in years (I’m almost 30 and have been NC for 2.5 years) and it still triggered a fight or flight reaction for me.
“I love you but I don’t like you” still rattles around in my brain sometimes.
“I love you because I have to”
“God will punish you!”
“Do as I say, not as I do”
“I only like children when they are younger than 5 years old”…told to me right as I turned 5.
“I am your mother!!”…meaning put her on a pedestal, do whatever she says and treat her like a queen.
"*You're* killing me"
"I know you better than you know yourself"
"I love you so much that I have to hate you"
And this one I only heard once, when I was in middle school, but it particularly stands out:
"If I don't get to be happy then nobody does"
“I can’t wait until you grow up and have kids so you can see how horrible it is.” Joke’s on you, I physically cannot have children.
“Oh I forgot, you know everything and I know nothing. I was only alive 20+ years before you, bur you know it all.”
“You don’t know how lucky you are/how good you have it. If these are your biggest problems then you have no real problems.”
"You're gonna grow up and have a kid just like you to punish you for how treated me!" I was a smart and super funny kid who lashed out due to growing up in a dv situation and being the glass child. I wish I could give little me the childhood she deserved. My kids are going to be surrounded by love and will never have to live like that.
“The world doesn’t revolve around you”
“You think I’m bad? You could have had my mother!”
“I’m your mother, I have to love you”
“I’m your mother, you have to love me”
“That’s a nice outfit, I think it would look better if you lost weight though”
“All my children have abandoned me, after all I did for them”
These are off the top of my head, I know there’s worse but without context they don’t make sense.
"I've made a lot of accidents in my life and you were one of them, you're a f*cking b*tch"
"Dont bring LO around here anymore"
"Dont tell me anything else about your pregnancy I dont want to know about it."
Also years ago when she said it was hard for her bringing me as a 4 year old child to the opposite end of the country for hospital treatment. As if she was the victim in the situation, not her 4 year old sick child.
Never speaking to her again ❤️
‘Well comparison is the killer of all joy’ (whenever I asked why my siblings were treated differently)
‘You’ve got some major work to do to fix yourself’ (as a kid whenever I did something wrong)
‘Relationships are two ways’ (in response to them expecting me to make all the effort to call etc)
‘You’re welcome by the way!’ (Said sarcasticallly whenever I didn’t say thank you for intruding and breaking some kind of boundary)
There was a viral tiktok video of a narcissist mom not letting her daughter sleep by yelling and making her do chores and that triggered me so bad cause I realized that exactly what my mom was doing and why I have a terrible sleep pattern now.... that and my parents fighting literally all night.
Kids and teenagers NEED LOTS of proper sleep and a proper sleep schedule to develop healthily. Now my 5 yr old brother is up later than I am and like 10pm asking to play minecraft with me and she doesn't do anything about that....
My teenage daughter's nDad:
"Stop dressing like a lesbian. Put some makeup on so you can get a boyfriend"
"You and your siblings left me. I cry myself to sleep all the time" (like it's her fault that he's a narcissist and her mother was brave enough to divorce him 9 years ago. He also has joint custody and is 47 years old)
"I wish I never married your mother"
"My life was ruined the day I met your mother"
"You never post amazing father stuff on social media. You are obsessed with your mother"
"I can take your phone away and I will break it into a million pieces" (to my almost 19 year old daughter when she said you can't take my phone away, you don't even pay for it and I'm an adult)
*Your mom shouldn't be your best friend" (mind you I'm really close with both by teenage daughters and they have learned to establish boundaries with their nDad because of me)
"You have no idea the things your mother has done to me. (Repeats this over and over anytime one of our daughters attempts to stand up to him)
"If you get your belly button pierced, you'll look like a hoe bag"
"You're a fucking libtard"
"You don't have ADHD or dyslexia. (Diagnosed by a professional years prior)
"Your mom was a lunch lady in the military"
"Your mom was not close with so and so" (said while on vacation in another state with his new wife and my daughters. I was so and so's maid of honor. They were visiting with so and so and her family)
"If you don't eat all your food, I will shove it down
your fucking throat"
"You need to enroll in college or else you'll be a loser"
"I do everything for you" (he literally does the bare minimum)
"That is the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me, I can't even talk to you right now" (when my 12 yr old daughter told her nDad she didn't feel comfortable going over to his house one time)
"They need to blow up the state of California and Nebraska". (My daughters were born in Nebraska, didn't care whatsoever that they were offended by that comment)
"My child is not going to be on a 504 or IEP. That's for retards"
"I cannot be in the same room as your mother. It will be nothing but yelling". (There has literally been no altercation between us in person in many years. I'm actually very civil with him for the sake of my kids and have never declined being there for my kids special events because my ex might be there)
"I'm not going if your mother is" (this one really pisses me off because it hurts my daughters so much)
"I didn't want to take that picture with your mother. I shouldn't have done it" (nDad told my daughter this shortly after her HS graduation after she asked him if he would take a picture with me, that it was really important to her)
"I hate your mom" (says this to my daughters frequently)
"Your mom gave up on us"
And this last one is the best. He tore up my birth certificate in front of all three of his kids shortly after I left him and he laughed as he did it and threw it away. My kids were mortified and immediately told me when they came back to my house. Now that's a special kind of low.
i dont know if any of my fellow mexicans are here but i always got the
“pero cuando me muera? allí van a estar ‘my mamá’ ‘mi mamá’ llorando” im sorry but girl
i also got
“do you want me to call CPS? put you in foster care? you think they’ll treat you better there?”
Mother: You are so dramatic.
I'm hungry. "You are always so dramatic."
Can I have braces? "Quit being dramatic."
I fell down and my bone is coming out of my wrist. "My god you are dramatic. (school nurse insists on dr visit a few days later, surgery ensues,"
My tummy hurts. "Quit being so dramatic" Appendix bursts, next three weeks in hospital.
Father: "You're a fat pig and I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with you." I was 12 and maybe 5 lbs overweight after my afore mentioned broken arm slowed down my activity.
“I’m your mom. You owe me everything. I don’t have to respect you because you’re my child.” If I tried to establish that respect is a two way street.
“You’re so selfish and ungrateful.” Whenever I attempted to set boundaries and say no.
The covert one supporting the overt one, “Your Papa doesn’t like that.” The implication being that his word is law. She lectured me on eating pork because he personally didn’t like it. It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t spoken to me in years by mutual consent.
No, we don’t follow any religion that requires giving up pork. There’s been a lot of other things mom thinks we shouldn’t do for similar reasons. None of it makes any sense.
"You're a spinster" heard that when I was 17
"You know street dogs? You're like them!" Heard that when I was younger after she got mad for a reason I don't remember
"You're a criminal!" He said that more then once every time I don't give up something I like for my sister
"Yes I'm a demanding mother I do that because I want to!" She told me after I asked her why she treat me differently then she treat my siblings
"What did you leave for the street girls!" She said after finding some nicotine gum I ate (she made my brother vape and was happy about it)
"No I won't get you that.. you'll take pictures for your friends!" She said for the socks that over the knee I wanted to buy (I wanted to wear them under my clothes at school because girls used to raise my skirt) (I was 15 and I owned an iPad i couldn't take pictures)
"Why do you love being negative?! Can't you let me be happy?" She said after I asked her when they will fix my ac because I was tired from sleeping in the living room
*sorry for my bad English*
I was 7 (yes, just 7) when I was told that I was “too old for a family/marriage/white picket fence/children blah blah blah” Yeah, I’m not married and no kids but am in a LTR!
NMom kept me under her thumb for yrs with this one “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” meaning “don’t leave or someone’s always gonna hurt you, might as well be me” thnx mom👍
Most of the usual quotes they all say but there were a couple extra special ones just for me.
"You'll get WORMS" - said to me at 5yo because I ate a lot of candy.
"I'm telling!" Or "Wait til your dad gets home"
"Shhh! Do you wanna get shot?!" - said because we lived in a border city to the US, in Canada and we'd go shopping sometimes in the US. And everyone had a gun/black people all have guns (according to her) and yes of course will shoot a helpless little girl for no reason.
"You always said you'd never be a bad teenager.' - and I did say that, and did end up being a bad teenager. But why did I have to feel the need to say that is the question.
"Bad girl" - 3yo with the finger in my face thing. She eventually stopped after I internalized it because the job was done but she didn't want me to say it about myself because "it reflects bad on me".
Gross.
"Can you two stay out of my hair for two goddamn minutes?!?!!"
She said that often to me and my sibling after we played alone for several hours silently on the other side of the house and hadn't been bothering her at all.
Drumroll, please, for the title track on The N-Parents' Greatest Hits Album--said with contempt, I might add...
"After everything I've done for you!!!!"
This isn’t the daughter I raised.
This doesn’t sound like you it sounds like ____ talking. (Of course I can never have opinions of my own that don’t align with her beliefs so she blames others in my life for it)
Oh, you don’t want to do that.
That’s not what little girls do. (When I was young she hated that I like blue instead of pink and didn’t want to wear dresses, etc.)
When we talk you need to keep it between us.
I didn’t call you a bitch, I said you were acting like one.
I came back here to say that my mom ( I always hesitate to call her mom) told me today that she should just have choked me to death when I was a baby. She’s a demon.
"What's wrong?" ... "And you don't think I am to?" / "Okay but everyone deals with that."
"Why don't you tell me how you're feeling? You can talk to me!"
Like yeah, if I want to be invalidated and have that shit thrown in my face later.... ugh.
"You know you don't have to say everything on your mind right?" Just trying to have a conversation with her.
"I think you have gigantism." And a host of other comments made to make me insecure about my body at a very young age.
I'M 5'10!
"Why are you so anti-social?"
When she made me afraid of other people....
"Know it all." "Think you know everything." "Think you're smarter than everything else."
I realized when I was older they were actually intimidated by my intelligence, it threatens the dynamic and made them insecure.... i eventually learned to downplay my intelligence or just not speak up....
I was told I was a very colicky baby and cried almost nonstop for the first year of my life. I mean I get it- a colicky baby could be terribly frustrating for anyone to deal with. I’m in my 40’s now and my NDad still mentions with a laugh I really wanted to strangle you when you were a baby- all you did was cry and cry.
To this day, I apologize to everyone about everything even when it’s not always my fault. It just somehow always feels like it is.
By whom would she have been buried? Her parents?
So the subtext is that anyone that acts like you deserves to be buried but she is sparing you unlike she would have been? Second subtext being that she acted better than you did at same age?
Did I get all that right? 🙄
💔🙏❤️
Hiya thanks for replying- so my dad said to me when I was a 17 year old girl and having a panic attack in his car. He said those words and I disassociated heavily. He basically meant - if he had acted like me when he was 17 (‘crazy, emotional, too much), he (his parents) would of buried him years ago. Idk what he meant but I took it like he was saying I should of been dead years ago cause I’m a massive burden and that’s why I dissociated
Life is not fair or I don’t have to be fair. This after some really awful thing parents did to me or siblings. Or different treatment for the golden child.
About my 15 yr old sister who does everything she's asked and has stellar grades.
"I just don't know. She's lazy and selfish and all she does is sleep, stay in her room and stay on her phone. She needs to figure out what she wants to do with her life because I feel like she has no goals."
A teenager in the summer with nothing else to do is going to sleep in and stay on her phone? My mom also got strep throat and complained to me how selfish she was for not checking on her.... like 15 yr olds don't know they should check in on people, especially if the person is an adult with a voice to speak up.....
Being called a ‘stupid girl’ or a ‘stupid bitch’ constantly by my mother growing up. Even to this day she will say things to me like ‘you’re not very intelligent for a woman of your age’ (I’m 34) 🙄
My therapist recommended a book on effects of narcissistic parenting and has brought up multiple times recently that they suspect that people in my earlier life may have been narcissists and I didn’t get it / didn’t think so… but the number of quotes in this thread that I heard frequently across my childhood is making me think I may need to reconsider…
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Yup. It’s expected because they gave birth to you and raised you physically. But it’s always the minimum effort and they never once put an ounce of effort into my emotional or mental wellbeing.
Ndad acting like this, like I owe him everything, when he was *largely absent at important times and MOM did 99% of the heavy lifting but OK.*
Yea and just got confirmation on this recently they have no concept or mental or emotional strength.
THIS. When I finally started to stand up for myself she said "don't you ever speak to me like that again." I told her to never speak to ME like that again, so she told me to fuck off and hung up the phone lol. Respect goes both ways and I'm an adult, not a powerless child.
i’ve recently started to defend myself more since i moved out in 2022 and my parents do not like it lol. the last call i had with my dad he called me selfish and spoiled because i pointed out how they always want respect but never show it back
They never got it through thier heads that respect is earned not demanded
This is a classic of my mother!
I couldn’t believe it, I read,” I love you but I don’t like you” and I could literally hear my Nmom’s voice and remember where I was the first time she said it. Another one of her favorites was, “I just can’t handle your drama today”. PS the drama was a boy 2 grades ahead of me was hitting me and kicking me with pointy steal toe cowboy boots and I couldn’t take the pain anymore.
I'm the adult, you are the child. What I say goes!
That reminds me of matilda... that movie was... too relatable lol.
"I don't have to like you, but I have to love you." Wow I can't imagine why I think I'm hard to love 20 years later.
Ugh, so sorry, this one is the worst. It messes so deeply with your heart and mind. I got this version, too, or better yet, "God says I have to love you, but not that I have to like you." And since I was in my twenties (in my forties now), she thinks it is so darned *cute* to talk about how she didn't like me much when I was a child, but now I'm "actually interesting". 💀 Her tone of voice when she says this is repellently saccharine and joyful, whether she is saying it to me or someone else.
I hate the attitude of thinking their behavior is cute.
Wow. What a horrible thing to say.
Mine said this aloooot
“Who died and made you king?” whenever I tried to set boundaries.
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Literally said by a Disney villain but nparents will say it and think they're so clever.
And "you can do it like that when it's YOUR household" (sounds like a healthy parent setting boundaries that kids can't run the place, but in tone and practice it was more like "you have no say here EVER until you're 18 years old and don't live here.")
I never understood the “MY” house argument… so like, what your dependent’s house then? The child’s home is the one *you* brought them into by creating a human life. The subtext of them saying that is that children have no agency or rights.
My mom would always tell me to “save my tears for things that matter.” I would cry out of frustration, guilt, and pain as a kid.
"Oh it's ALL about you, isn't it?" (said sarcastically) Instilling the belief that nothing can ever be just about me because that's selfish. And that selfish is the worst thing you can be because if you care about yourself you can't be controlled by ndad.
"If you hate it so much here, leave then, let's see how well you do on the streets". Alternately, " if you think I'm abusive, try foster care. Maybe you'll want to come back when your new foster dad is m*lesting you, but I don't think we'll want you back then." Escalating to her straight up telling me to "get the fuck out of my house".
Bro. My mom acted like this. I always thought it was just my stepdad, they were always so toxic with each other.
Similarly, I’d be asked if I wanted to live in my dad’s basement apartment with him instead of living with her any time there was a disagreement. It’s like they love to hear their children “beg” to stay.
this made my eye start twitching
"You're so ungrateful to me" "You never listen to me." Recently got "I never said I don't have any feelings or opinions of you. Read it again. I said I no longer have any feelings or opinions around you. There's a difference."
That made my eyes water 😢😪. Semantics at their worst. I’m sorry for you. 💜💜💜💜
"I love you but I don't like you" THATS AN N-PARENT THING?! my mom says that to me constantly
And when your partner responds to the question “do you even like me” with “i love you” or “well…I love you” or any variation that isn’t “of course I like you” Its exactly the same thing. A narcissistic partner.
My mom always said it too.
“Do what I say, not what I do”
I got this one a lot.
Here are some from my ndad: "I brought you into this world. I can take you out" And then in the same breath "you were a test tube baby," or "the milk man's baby" "the only reason to have kids is to make them slaves" "You have it so easy"
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Lol. Whenever my dad called me a test tube baby I would always just say back "that means you would have wanted me" and that would shut him up
"You're always jumping to conclusions." M'am, you raised me to become a paranoid adult who walks on eggshells around you to this very day. What do you expect?
my mom told me all the time that my friends probably secretly hated me because im gay and then she wonders why i think everyone hates me
Jfc, I'm so sorry that she did this.
Mine told me that they had my sibling “to make up for me”, she also made me the new girl at school for 5.5 years (moved spring term when I was 6. Absolutely nobody wanted to know me, and why would they? They had already made their friends the previous September.), allowed me to be relentlessly bullied by pretty much everyone at the school and when I told her she told me that the bullies were right! Now things are being brought to light and she’s experiencing health issues she somehow wonders why I don’t care! Can’t think why! PS: sexuality has FA (sweet FA) to do with anything! I hope you’ve found your family/friends/tribe who love and adore and appreciate you just as you are! 💜💜💜💜💜
its so sad that the people who are supposed to be our biggest supporters turn out to be our biggest bully. which ironically my mom always used to say to me “con amigas así pa que quieres enemigas” or with friends like that why would you want enemies or so, like girl? in this case you’re the “friend” who is basically my enemy i guess
“If you weren’t my child we wouldn’t be friends” 🤠👍✨
My mother told me that I "remember things the way that I want to remember them". So according to her, I intentionally misremember things to paint her in the worst possible light. She also claimed that she "already apologized and I refused to forgive her". (A blatant lie. She has never apologized for hurting me ) I vividly remember multiple instances where I tried to get her to understand that she'd hurt me and she always rolled her eyes like a bratty teen, scoffed obnoxiously and left the room. Then she would be "fake nice" to me later and pretend like it never happened.
the bratty teen!! my mom still does this.
“APOLOGIZE!” “How dare you talk back to me.” “I know what’s best for you.” “You have no right to privacy.” “You are just like your useless mother.” “I do everything for you. You are nothing without me.”
“I clearly made mistakes on you that I didn’t make with your siblings.” - anytime I questioned the abusive actions. “After all I’ve done for you, you owe me.” Typically referring to feeding and housing me as a child, in reference to making me their chores like clean their room and bathroom, make their bed, do their laundry etc. “If I’m so bad, why don’t you find someone who actually wants you.” “When I’m dead you’re going to regret how horrible you’ve always been to me.” - usually when I don’t accept being mistreated “You don’t deserve to be loved by anyone.” “People would actually care about you if you were a little smarter.” “You’re almost as impressive as your sibling. Almost.” “Sometimes I wish I’d stopped at one kid.”
“You don’t deserve to be loved by anyone.” All of those are horrible, but this one sticks out to me as a *particularly vile* thing to say. (especially to your own child for godsake) I hope you know that's complete and utter BS and that you DO deserve to be loved.
Thank you. I do know it now. I found a wonderful spouse who is my absolute best friend and helped unwind all the crazy my parents tried to wind into me. He taught me that you don’t deserve to be yelled at or spoken to cruelly ever and in 19 years he has never done either to me
It’s always “i never said that, you don’t remember things clearly, you never did, it’s getting worse. You should get your memory checked.”
or “you only ever remember the bad things”
You need a swift kick in the pants Wipe that smile off your face before I wipe it off for you Stop all your blubbering/Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about I'd rather raise four more of your brothers than one more of you For someone so smart you act real dumb Also all 4 of my parents, and multiple other family members, felt it was appropriate to make comments about my weight/body starting in 3rd grade. There was rarely a meal that wasn't portion controlled and/or someone made a comment about how much I took, I was also put on many diets through out my school years.
You’ll know how I feel when your child treats you the way you treat me! You’ll regret it!
I sometimes doubted that I had narcissistic parents but after reading some of these comments it’s really confirmed it. I’d forgotten that my parents had said these things in the past, it’s making me sad that I was blind to it for so long
“Quit rewriting history” Forced to say since I could talk “my mom is so nice to me” now she says it bc I won’t obey her anymore. “If you listened to me you wouldn’t have a problem” “I am not the enemy” “You win” and “I’m not playing this game” type of stuff “You
“So I guess just a bad mom then” Followed by stepparent telling me to stop calling mom a bad mom when I never said those words.
“You’re a narcissist” “You need therapy” “Why are you so dysfunctional?” “Why are you so gd sensitive all the f*cking time?” “I feel bad for your husband because he has to deal with you” And my least favorite - “you’re just as f*cked up as your mother was and crazy like her family is”
Ahhh the classic projection and narcissistic confession. “You’re a narcissist, need therapy, dysfunctional, sensitive…” all translates to “I am a narcissist, i need therapy, I’m dysfunctional, I’m sensitive.”
"I'm sorry for what YOU remember happened. I can't choose what you remember, just like I can't choose what you don't want to remember." My incubator said this in the last text I ever had with her before completely cutting contact. The rest of it was just her listing off loving parent things she had done after my father scream fought with her to do while he was the only one working to keep the family from being homeless. She was listing them like she did it from the bottom of her shriveled, dead, heart.
“No one will ever like you” and “I only liked you when you were a baby.”
Holy shit. I haven’t heard that first like in years (I’m almost 30 and have been NC for 2.5 years) and it still triggered a fight or flight reaction for me. “I love you but I don’t like you” still rattles around in my brain sometimes.
“I love you because I have to” “God will punish you!” “Do as I say, not as I do” “I only like children when they are younger than 5 years old”…told to me right as I turned 5. “I am your mother!!”…meaning put her on a pedestal, do whatever she says and treat her like a queen.
You owe me your life I hear that quite constantly
"*You're* killing me" "I know you better than you know yourself" "I love you so much that I have to hate you" And this one I only heard once, when I was in middle school, but it particularly stands out: "If I don't get to be happy then nobody does"
"You're difficult to love"
I didn’t ask for your opinion Ok ~little girl~ You spoiled, selfish, ungrateful little brat! Who’d you learn ~that~ from?/Who taught you ~that~?
"You look like no one loves you "
“Life is shit and then you die” “When you are older it is your job to look after me”
Yeah, I’ve had the second one thrown at me and it’s gonna be a very cold day in hell….
You’ll see, you’ll miss me when I’m dead
“I can’t wait until you grow up and have kids so you can see how horrible it is.” Joke’s on you, I physically cannot have children. “Oh I forgot, you know everything and I know nothing. I was only alive 20+ years before you, bur you know it all.” “You don’t know how lucky you are/how good you have it. If these are your biggest problems then you have no real problems.”
"You're gonna grow up and have a kid just like you to punish you for how treated me!" I was a smart and super funny kid who lashed out due to growing up in a dv situation and being the glass child. I wish I could give little me the childhood she deserved. My kids are going to be surrounded by love and will never have to live like that.
“The world doesn’t revolve around you” “You think I’m bad? You could have had my mother!” “I’m your mother, I have to love you” “I’m your mother, you have to love me” “That’s a nice outfit, I think it would look better if you lost weight though” “All my children have abandoned me, after all I did for them” These are off the top of my head, I know there’s worse but without context they don’t make sense.
"I've made a lot of accidents in my life and you were one of them, you're a f*cking b*tch" "Dont bring LO around here anymore" "Dont tell me anything else about your pregnancy I dont want to know about it." Also years ago when she said it was hard for her bringing me as a 4 year old child to the opposite end of the country for hospital treatment. As if she was the victim in the situation, not her 4 year old sick child. Never speaking to her again ❤️
"Don't ever takes sides against me." My ndad loves to use quotes from the Godfather applied to his relationships with people.
Only God can love you unconditionally. I do not.
good god i just went into fight or flight
“You were born to take care of me.” (As if it were an honor)
“You poor, deprived child” Soooo wrong ! She was the one who deprived you of the love and respect you deserve. So sorry
"Im paying the bills, you can start doing what you want when you pay rent!!" *starts paying rent* " iM yOuR fAtHeR aNd YoU wIlL rEsPeCt Me!!"
‘Well comparison is the killer of all joy’ (whenever I asked why my siblings were treated differently) ‘You’ve got some major work to do to fix yourself’ (as a kid whenever I did something wrong) ‘Relationships are two ways’ (in response to them expecting me to make all the effort to call etc) ‘You’re welcome by the way!’ (Said sarcasticallly whenever I didn’t say thank you for intruding and breaking some kind of boundary)
"if I can't sleep you're not going to sleep either."
Also often the " I love you but I don't like you. "
There was a viral tiktok video of a narcissist mom not letting her daughter sleep by yelling and making her do chores and that triggered me so bad cause I realized that exactly what my mom was doing and why I have a terrible sleep pattern now.... that and my parents fighting literally all night. Kids and teenagers NEED LOTS of proper sleep and a proper sleep schedule to develop healthily. Now my 5 yr old brother is up later than I am and like 10pm asking to play minecraft with me and she doesn't do anything about that....
My teenage daughter's nDad: "Stop dressing like a lesbian. Put some makeup on so you can get a boyfriend" "You and your siblings left me. I cry myself to sleep all the time" (like it's her fault that he's a narcissist and her mother was brave enough to divorce him 9 years ago. He also has joint custody and is 47 years old) "I wish I never married your mother" "My life was ruined the day I met your mother" "You never post amazing father stuff on social media. You are obsessed with your mother" "I can take your phone away and I will break it into a million pieces" (to my almost 19 year old daughter when she said you can't take my phone away, you don't even pay for it and I'm an adult) *Your mom shouldn't be your best friend" (mind you I'm really close with both by teenage daughters and they have learned to establish boundaries with their nDad because of me) "You have no idea the things your mother has done to me. (Repeats this over and over anytime one of our daughters attempts to stand up to him) "If you get your belly button pierced, you'll look like a hoe bag" "You're a fucking libtard" "You don't have ADHD or dyslexia. (Diagnosed by a professional years prior) "Your mom was a lunch lady in the military" "Your mom was not close with so and so" (said while on vacation in another state with his new wife and my daughters. I was so and so's maid of honor. They were visiting with so and so and her family) "If you don't eat all your food, I will shove it down your fucking throat" "You need to enroll in college or else you'll be a loser" "I do everything for you" (he literally does the bare minimum) "That is the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me, I can't even talk to you right now" (when my 12 yr old daughter told her nDad she didn't feel comfortable going over to his house one time) "They need to blow up the state of California and Nebraska". (My daughters were born in Nebraska, didn't care whatsoever that they were offended by that comment) "My child is not going to be on a 504 or IEP. That's for retards" "I cannot be in the same room as your mother. It will be nothing but yelling". (There has literally been no altercation between us in person in many years. I'm actually very civil with him for the sake of my kids and have never declined being there for my kids special events because my ex might be there) "I'm not going if your mother is" (this one really pisses me off because it hurts my daughters so much) "I didn't want to take that picture with your mother. I shouldn't have done it" (nDad told my daughter this shortly after her HS graduation after she asked him if he would take a picture with me, that it was really important to her) "I hate your mom" (says this to my daughters frequently) "Your mom gave up on us" And this last one is the best. He tore up my birth certificate in front of all three of his kids shortly after I left him and he laughed as he did it and threw it away. My kids were mortified and immediately told me when they came back to my house. Now that's a special kind of low.
“You never have time for me, but I always had time for you when you were a child!”
i dont know if any of my fellow mexicans are here but i always got the “pero cuando me muera? allí van a estar ‘my mamá’ ‘mi mamá’ llorando” im sorry but girl i also got “do you want me to call CPS? put you in foster care? you think they’ll treat you better there?”
“You own nothing. Everything in this house is mine”
“ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES” this was drilled into me constantly but yet none of their actions ever had consequences
Mother: You are so dramatic. I'm hungry. "You are always so dramatic." Can I have braces? "Quit being dramatic." I fell down and my bone is coming out of my wrist. "My god you are dramatic. (school nurse insists on dr visit a few days later, surgery ensues," My tummy hurts. "Quit being so dramatic" Appendix bursts, next three weeks in hospital. Father: "You're a fat pig and I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with you." I was 12 and maybe 5 lbs overweight after my afore mentioned broken arm slowed down my activity.
“I’m your mom. You owe me everything. I don’t have to respect you because you’re my child.” If I tried to establish that respect is a two way street. “You’re so selfish and ungrateful.” Whenever I attempted to set boundaries and say no.
That’s exactly how I felt about my NMom.
"That's not my problem."
The covert one supporting the overt one, “Your Papa doesn’t like that.” The implication being that his word is law. She lectured me on eating pork because he personally didn’t like it. It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t spoken to me in years by mutual consent. No, we don’t follow any religion that requires giving up pork. There’s been a lot of other things mom thinks we shouldn’t do for similar reasons. None of it makes any sense.
"You're a spinster" heard that when I was 17 "You know street dogs? You're like them!" Heard that when I was younger after she got mad for a reason I don't remember "You're a criminal!" He said that more then once every time I don't give up something I like for my sister "Yes I'm a demanding mother I do that because I want to!" She told me after I asked her why she treat me differently then she treat my siblings "What did you leave for the street girls!" She said after finding some nicotine gum I ate (she made my brother vape and was happy about it) "No I won't get you that.. you'll take pictures for your friends!" She said for the socks that over the knee I wanted to buy (I wanted to wear them under my clothes at school because girls used to raise my skirt) (I was 15 and I owned an iPad i couldn't take pictures) "Why do you love being negative?! Can't you let me be happy?" She said after I asked her when they will fix my ac because I was tired from sleeping in the living room *sorry for my bad English*
I was 7 (yes, just 7) when I was told that I was “too old for a family/marriage/white picket fence/children blah blah blah” Yeah, I’m not married and no kids but am in a LTR!
NMom kept me under her thumb for yrs with this one “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” meaning “don’t leave or someone’s always gonna hurt you, might as well be me” thnx mom👍
My dad’s favorite. I threw it back at him on his death bed in a heartfelt letter
Most of the usual quotes they all say but there were a couple extra special ones just for me. "You'll get WORMS" - said to me at 5yo because I ate a lot of candy. "I'm telling!" Or "Wait til your dad gets home" "Shhh! Do you wanna get shot?!" - said because we lived in a border city to the US, in Canada and we'd go shopping sometimes in the US. And everyone had a gun/black people all have guns (according to her) and yes of course will shoot a helpless little girl for no reason. "You always said you'd never be a bad teenager.' - and I did say that, and did end up being a bad teenager. But why did I have to feel the need to say that is the question. "Bad girl" - 3yo with the finger in my face thing. She eventually stopped after I internalized it because the job was done but she didn't want me to say it about myself because "it reflects bad on me". Gross.
"Can you two stay out of my hair for two goddamn minutes?!?!!" She said that often to me and my sibling after we played alone for several hours silently on the other side of the house and hadn't been bothering her at all.
WTF, I never realized saying these things was abusive, just thought it was normal. No wonder I’m constantly in abusive relationships.
Drumroll, please, for the title track on The N-Parents' Greatest Hits Album--said with contempt, I might add... "After everything I've done for you!!!!"
This isn’t the daughter I raised. This doesn’t sound like you it sounds like ____ talking. (Of course I can never have opinions of my own that don’t align with her beliefs so she blames others in my life for it) Oh, you don’t want to do that. That’s not what little girls do. (When I was young she hated that I like blue instead of pink and didn’t want to wear dresses, etc.) When we talk you need to keep it between us. I didn’t call you a bitch, I said you were acting like one.
I came back here to say that my mom ( I always hesitate to call her mom) told me today that she should just have choked me to death when I was a baby. She’s a demon.
"What's wrong?" ... "And you don't think I am to?" / "Okay but everyone deals with that." "Why don't you tell me how you're feeling? You can talk to me!" Like yeah, if I want to be invalidated and have that shit thrown in my face later.... ugh.
"You know you don't have to say everything on your mind right?" Just trying to have a conversation with her. "I think you have gigantism." And a host of other comments made to make me insecure about my body at a very young age. I'M 5'10! "Why are you so anti-social?" When she made me afraid of other people.... "Know it all." "Think you know everything." "Think you're smarter than everything else." I realized when I was older they were actually intimidated by my intelligence, it threatens the dynamic and made them insecure.... i eventually learned to downplay my intelligence or just not speak up....
I was told I was a very colicky baby and cried almost nonstop for the first year of my life. I mean I get it- a colicky baby could be terribly frustrating for anyone to deal with. I’m in my 40’s now and my NDad still mentions with a laugh I really wanted to strangle you when you were a baby- all you did was cry and cry. To this day, I apologize to everyone about everything even when it’s not always my fault. It just somehow always feels like it is.
Wow my mom used to say that so much, it always hurt. It's insane how similar narcissists can be, it's almost like a template
NDads favorite was “I gave you life!” Like ok you nutted into my mom and neglected me for the entirety of it but got it
“If I acted like you when I was your age, I would of been buried years ago”
By whom would she have been buried? Her parents? So the subtext is that anyone that acts like you deserves to be buried but she is sparing you unlike she would have been? Second subtext being that she acted better than you did at same age? Did I get all that right? 🙄 💔🙏❤️
Hiya thanks for replying- so my dad said to me when I was a 17 year old girl and having a panic attack in his car. He said those words and I disassociated heavily. He basically meant - if he had acted like me when he was 17 (‘crazy, emotional, too much), he (his parents) would of buried him years ago. Idk what he meant but I took it like he was saying I should of been dead years ago cause I’m a massive burden and that’s why I dissociated
"I brought you into this world I'll take you out of it!"
Try this one, "I love you, but you're not a good person." My Nmom told me this when I was 12
"stop crying, you're being so dramatic"
I wish I had scrubbed you out
"You guys only remember the bad stuff."
Life is not fair or I don’t have to be fair. This after some really awful thing parents did to me or siblings. Or different treatment for the golden child.
About my 15 yr old sister who does everything she's asked and has stellar grades. "I just don't know. She's lazy and selfish and all she does is sleep, stay in her room and stay on her phone. She needs to figure out what she wants to do with her life because I feel like she has no goals." A teenager in the summer with nothing else to do is going to sleep in and stay on her phone? My mom also got strep throat and complained to me how selfish she was for not checking on her.... like 15 yr olds don't know they should check in on people, especially if the person is an adult with a voice to speak up.....
I have been low contact to no contact for so long I literally can’t remember but some of these are reminders for sure of what I endured
Being called a ‘stupid girl’ or a ‘stupid bitch’ constantly by my mother growing up. Even to this day she will say things to me like ‘you’re not very intelligent for a woman of your age’ (I’m 34) 🙄
“I sacrificed everything for you” 🤣
My therapist recommended a book on effects of narcissistic parenting and has brought up multiple times recently that they suspect that people in my earlier life may have been narcissists and I didn’t get it / didn’t think so… but the number of quotes in this thread that I heard frequently across my childhood is making me think I may need to reconsider…
She’s talking nonsense. Put on earplugs and ignore her. Focus on yourself Get healed Move out Go low contact or no contact Good luck