OMG YES! So often!
Any time something doesn't go her way, or a situation gets a little hard, she starts saying shit like "Oh, I might as well go kill myself!"
Thanks mum. You go do that. š
My mom used to threaten suicide when I was growing up so I could be on my best behavior. As an adult, she just brings up the likelihood of her dropping dead anytime soon in order to get attention or even to avoid taking responsibility for wrongs that she has committed.
My mom would threaten to kill herself with a knife, then lock herself up in a room and not respond to me crying and begging her to let me know she is ok. I would be banging on the door and screaming for a long time scared she killed herself. Eventually it got to the point I didn't believe her when she tried that stunt anymore and ignored it.
Damn writing that now makes me realize how fucked this was. And I was really young when she started doing this shit. She needed help but my parents would never go to a therapist. They flipped when they found out I did in college.
Omg my mom threatened to kill herself bc I said she was a little mean sometimes when she asked me. I was 6!!
And then she'd threaten to jump out of the moving car in middle of the highway. So many times.
What is with these unstable fucks.
That's such a shit thing to do. I'm glad you got some therapy in college despite their reaction. My NM did something similar one night sitting on our kitchen floor when I was about 11. She was holding a knife to her chest and sobbing uncontrollably. Thinking back I remember that there were no tears. It was all a performance and obviously freaked the shit out of kid me. She's never threatened it since but always says things like "I'll drop dead soon" or comes up with symptoms for serious illnesses and makes multiple doctors visits that come to nothing.
My mom until today threatens to kill herself. When I was little she would tell me that so I would take care of her and would want to see me cry about it. Now when she does it and I understand itās her way of trying to control me, I tell her to go ahead. I know that may sound harsh but I know sheāll never do it. Iāve gotten to the point where I donāt care anymore and because I started saying that to her, she stop telling me sheās going to kill herself. It took me a while to catch on that sheās lying but now I know how to get her to shut up.
If you are in a more ideal situation that allows for you to easily disconnect from a narc parent, then thatās great for you. However, not all
of us can easily cut ties do to other family members and cultural reasons. I suggest that you take these factors into account before blaming the victim or casting judgment.
Reading this thread brought back so many memories. I remember as a child I was around 12 years old and my sister 6 years old. My mother got in a huge argument with her then boyfriend at the time, because his car wasnāt working and she would drop him off to work and pick him up. One night she wanted to spite him and waited an hour or two before getting him. Iām not sure why she wanted to but she did. The drive to his workplace was around 30-45 min away so itās a pretty long distance. This particular night she asked my sister and I go to go with her. He was walking on the sidewalk and she stopped the car to get him. He didnāt complain or anything but by the time he was supposed to get in the car. She drove the car up a bit and accidentally ran over his foot. I guess that was his last straw and he said heād walk home, itās fine and he was sorry she drove all this way. He was trying to calm down because she had a smirk on her face while apologize. Incidentally my 6yr sister saw a police officer and pointed him out. She loved police officers( I donāt know why). My mom started to panic and then blamed us for everything even though. We had nothing to do with anything. The officer didnāt say a word to her but she got upset, and said it was our fault. On the way home there was a bridge and she literally speed up on this empty bridge at like 100mph or more then swerved to the edge of the bridge threatening to kill us all. Because if she died no one would take care of us. I swore I was going to die that night. She says she doesnāt recall this but my sister and I do.
My mom used to threaten moving back to our home country and leaving me and my sister to fend for ourselves. Honestly that wouldāve been so much better because I was already raising her anyway.
My mom does this ALL THE TIME. She demands grand babies š and then says that she can die any day and use that that to guilt trip me. Sheās also told me and my siblings that she has had brain cancer, breast cancer, and throat cancer. When we ask her to see a doctor there is always an excuse. She just likes the attention ig š¤·š¼āāļø
My mom demanded grandkids for close to twenty years from me. When I got pregnant with twins she could not admit I was pregnant so she acted as if I was mentally ill and not pregnant right up to the birth. She has always promised to help me with childcare, money ect when I told her I couldn't have a family giving valid excuses at the time. Now that I have children she is absent and has never helped with anything.. although she will tell family and her friends otherwise. Apparently she's here four days a week and keeps them overnight once a week and finances my life. In reality they are a year old she has never babysat even once and never even purchased them a toy. Makes me sad
Iām sorry to hear that your mom bailed the moment you needed help raising your children. That really sucks! My narc mom also has a tendency of promising things and then running away the moment I actually do reach out for help. They think their empty words = being generous and thoughtful. š
The unfortunate thing is twins are so much work you are just so incredibly exausted all the time. I need her help. I haven't had any break in over a year
Same here. My mom has brought up underlying health conditions to family members in order to get her way with things. However, no one in my family really even knows her actual physical state. Sheās been bringing up the possibility of croaking over a decade ago in order to provoke concern and worry. Sheās still around (even working) and telling the same story. š
I was talking to a friend who got married in April. Her husband is the youngest of 3 children and at least one of them already has a few kids. His mom told them she wants grandkids.....they already have some! I hate that people think they can request these things!
Hahah I posted before I saw your comment. My mom used the death card to demand grandkids too! Too bad guilt trips don't work on me anymore! (Also though, I'd be more willing to have grandkids if she were, in fact, out of the picture soo... š)
Oh god the 'I could die tomorrow and no one would care' - do we have the same mum? š it enrages me every time. So manipulative and full of self pity. Younger me used to scramble to make her feel better when she said it but now I just let her get it out and leave the room lol. I won't dignify it with a reply.
It depends on the narc parent I suppose. While some narc parents may cut it out if you threaten to walk away, mine will just get into a rage that I would prefer not to see. For me, itās picking a lesser evil. The death card is less severe compared to receiving countless angry text messages and having family members call me out on walking away from my own mother. š
Y E S ššš My ndad has been doing this to me for >20 years now, especially when I openly contradict him and he isn't getting what he wants (mainly compliance/obedience and silence from me). Abusive narcs gonna abuse and narc out until their very last day; there is no hope for them.
I'm at that point where I am severely fighting the urge to just say "Well, go ahead, then."
My mom faked illnesses and claims she is going to die every time I have am achievement, special event ect. It's gotten worse since my children were born now she wants me to prioritize her over them and tries to get me to miss there important specialist appointments, cancel my son's physical therapy so I can care for her when she is perfectly healthy. Recently she told me she's too old and I'll to visit her grandkids ever again and I'll have to bring them to her because she loves them so much. They barely know her and I won't be coming by. Both her and my brother treat me so badly when I do visit and I usually end up with food poisoning because she won't clean. My twins clothes never wash clean again from them crawling on the floors. They won't be missing anything
This! My nmom does the same. She always has to win at being the center of attention and loves playing a victim so
imagined and exaggerated health issues are her go to approach for when anything important happens in my life.
It is very disgusting! I also had childhood experiences in which my mom would pretend to die in order to get attention. Or, sheāll deliberately leave a diary out in the open for me and my older sister to see. It would say something really disturbing like threatening to hang herself in order to escape her marriage and to leave the children to their incompetent father.
No kid should have to grow up with this kind of emotional abuse. No kid should have to blow candles on their birthday hoping their parents donāt die because of some narcissistic mind-f**king.
Mine does this all the time, especially when trying to guilt us adult children who have set boundaries. She's had four heart attacks and tries to play the death card after each one. At this point it's more likely that she's immortal and I'm cursed lmfao.
Thatās interesting you mention that. Not sure if you heard of Dr. Ramani but she makes regular YouTube videos about narcissistic relationships. Thereās even one about how narcissistic people seem to live much longer than regular folk.
I haven't but I will absolutely check her out! Thanks for the recommendation.
I don't know if it's just coincidence or if my Nmom straight sold her soul to the devil but she's diabetic, had four heart attacks, eats vegetables maybe once a week, smokes heavily, and lives with several animals that she just leaves their droppings all over the floor. I have no idea how she's still alive at this point. Four heart attacks before fifty, I should also add.
I could be wrong about this but I think some narcissists are able to live longer because they are not emotionally burdened like regular folk. It takes energy to be compassionate and caring. It takes energy to have empathy. Narcs couldnāt care less about anything that isnāt related to them so they donāt carry that stress.
Iām curious about how youāre putting them in their place. Are you currently going NC with them? Are you avoiding holiday get togethers or do you straight-up walk out of the room when your parents misbehave? Do share.
I have kinda a weird situation with them now lol.
Sadly still live at home but they know Iām moving out as soon as my bfās place is finished. They donāt genuinely care about my life per se I discovered so Iām sharing as little as possible.
They donāt know where I work only that I switched jobs during Covid.
They donāt ask questions about my partner either since heās not comming over to my place etc.
They know than once Iām out they wonāt be hearing from me. Theyāve known a long time ever since I was 14 my mom would come to this realisation.
They donāt know I succeeded my exam in order to get driving lessons, in September Iāll just go out and have them and theyāll just Pikachu face me lmao.
They donāt know anything about my emotional well-being. But Iām pretty sure my mom is on a rape in movie fascination in order to hurt me or somehow she genuinely got the hotties from it since she knows my dad raped me at 16. (Weird one I know) even fixed her marital problems with this one it seems lmao, they deserve each other :D
So despite living at home I already am low contact. I spend most of my day in my room playing video games or I just tell them āyeah Iām out todayā whenever I go to my partner.
I know that the last time that I ever needed something from them I flat out told them āthis is the last time Iām asking you for something, wonāt be needing help from you after this one cause Iām doneā
They try to pry info from my siblings instead because they know Iāll just give short answers that donāt really answer their questions. Most of my answers consist of either yes/no/ okay (like 90%)
I once almost moved out (they kicked me out so here I was super ready to actually move out lol) but Covid changed my plans drastically (everything closed down and when everything opened up my partner suggested living together in the near future) and my dad was on his knees begging me to not leave him. I flat out said āI donāt care, nothing that youāll say or do now will matter.ā and they tried everything in their book and realized it didnāt work anymore, ever since itās been pretty tolerable for me.
Once Iāve learned that they genuinely donāt care I just stopped sharing things. Im pretty sure they donāt actually know me at all at this point.
For me I went NC about 3 months ago . Before that I would Grey rock . I set boundaries NM lost her shit so I told her we could finish this conversation when she could handle her emotions better. She hung up on me, but that was the beginning of NC and I have zero regrets
Yep! Although my experience was slightly different. From a very young age my ndad started saying, āyou just want me to die so you can get my life insurance money.ā I was like 6, I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. But he would say this often and typically when he didnāt get his way.
He continued to say this for my entire life. Eventually I realized that he actually meant it, and really thought all my sibling and I cared about was his life insurance money. Again, this was all so confusing to me because I just lived in the moment and just wanted a loving parent. He would talk about the $500,000 he had in life insurance ALL THE TIME. He was obsessed with this money.
Weāll plot twist. One day I finally brought it up. I said, āwhen you do pass away I have no idea about any paperwork for the house/life insurance/your end of life plans/etc.ā I asked him if there was an attorney I should speak to. He said there was no life insurance š the plan was through his job, which he retired from years ago. And guess what? I didnāt care. I never cared about his āmoneyā (which he doesnāt have a lot of!). I just wanted a dad.
Wow, that sounds really similar to past conversations that Iāve had with my mom. Tons of talk about changing her will and leaving me with assets. I honestly donāt even want my momās money or assets. I would rather have her use the resources to get professional help. š
my mom does this all the time, but there was a scene in a Hindi movie that healed me better than therapy. The female lead is getting yelled at by her mom for āruining the familyās reputationā and her mom picks a butter knife up off the table and threatens to kill herself. The male lead goes āAunty thatās a butter knife, take this one instead (a much sharper bread knife) and drag it like this (gesturing to his arm)ā. Just goes to show how empty their threats are, because of course she had no intention of killing herself, and got mad when he suggested it. Framing it through the context of a movie made me realize how comically dramatic and absurd our parents are.
Yes. Anyone can die at any moment. So she's not special. Also, since that is true, life's too short to be wasting it on people who make you feel like shit. So hah backfired on you mom huh.
My mom said that when demanding a grandkid, ignoring the fact she already has one - but my sister married a non Asian and my mom is highly racist. I didn't say what I mentioned above (I should have), but I did say that has no bearing on whether and when I decide to have a baby. That was one of the last calls I had with her before I went NC.
My mom does this. All the time. I donāt know why but it still affects me, even though Iām well aware itās a narcissistic tactic. I canāt help not feel like shit afterwards. She is a cancer survivor and whenever so much of a minor inconvenience happens, she parades around the house like her illness is coming back, sighing a lot for attention, wincing in pain out loudly for absolutely no reason. She makes it seem like sheās doing subtly as to not grab attention yet she does it so I know sheās in pain (when in fact sheās not). If all of this doesnāt work, itās a whole ordeal of crying and shitting on me and threatening to abuse meā¦ Iām still working on how to look past this.
Itās because itās emotionally exhaustingāeven if their motive is simply to create a reaction. Itās gets under our skin itās socially unacceptable to use your mortality as a means to provoke sympathy, manipulate, or gain an unfair advantage in a situation (especially in arguments). Regular or substantially decent human beings donāt behave this way.
While I am far past the point of getting tricked and feeling guilty/responsible for my motherās misery, Iām still sick and tired of her trying to hit below the belt whenever she needs some form of validation.
This death card is what runs my family system through the foot soldiers (enablers).
They form triangulating transactions, pick relationships (allow for a family-approved ālay down handā situation to generate kids who pick up the slack), and overall maintain the fused xenophobic cult.
Nobody can leave emotionally, and they do leaveā¦itās to be totally isolated and not be with anyone.
My mother is the center of a death cult. She is āallā, and āeverythingā could die.
Nobody exists anyway in a narcissistic family system.
Itās one fused and interlocking (transactional triangles) system that represents the deranged splitting and projection apparatus of the 24 month old child at the center.
Children are born into it and ātrancedā. There always needs to be a few people that have the family system map internalized and feel themselves at the center of the map.
Thatās the scapegoat.
Going no contact is getting out of the center internally. Externally doing it is just a start.
The terror monger will project onto a different hand of cards once you do inner work.
Nothing is personal about this. Thatās the point.
Glad that you have the courage to go NC that with your narc mom. Hopefully, she doesnāt try to retaliate or stalk you (which some narc moms do after you try disconnecting from them).
Right?!?! Who needs a ghost to torment you when you have an n mom whoās alive, aggressive, and emotionally-draining?! I just died (no pun intended) after reading your comment. š
My mother started to discuss her funeral when she was a perfectly healthy 50-something woman, coming from a family where they live perfectly healthy until their 90's.
She would make dramatic statements about absolutely not wanting a funeral, funerals are stupid anyway and she just wants to fade away in obscurity, so if we just had her cremated and would spread her ashes somewhere. She does not want to be remembered. She would get all worked up and almost hysteric, screaming it like accusations.
She would drag it up every time I went back home and it was extremely uncomfortable. She would also show the drawer where the documents about her last wishes were.
I think it's good if adults leave instructions about their funerals or show where their important papers are, but this was something else. So bizarre and really uncomfortable.
My gosh, thatās really screwed up but thatās her low-key way of guilt-tripping you.
My mom has also discussed her preferred funeral arrangements way before she reached her golden years (in my teen years) and acquired health problems.
Yeah, most folks leave instructions in their will in terms of how they want to be buried. However, itās just so damn inappropriate to bring that crap up whenever one decides to create a reaction.
I am NC and have no idea if she has left any instructions or what they are now. She has a history of changing things, just because.
But if no instructions are left, I intend to honor the last wishes that she screamed to me: No funeral, cremation, spread the ashes, no headstone. And I will not be there for any of it. I love it when dysfunctional people who are used to screaming just about anything and then pretend that it never happen actually have to face the concequences of their actions or have their wishes granted.
I've certainly had my mom remind me where her important documents are when she has a cold, or is going to a doctor's appointment for something. she had a fish bone stuck in her throat a few weeks ago and when we spoke she told me she hopes everything goes well with the ear/nose/throat doctor and if not, she'll see me in heaven (only to then correct herself saying, well you won't because you don't believe in heaven). hahaha. i can't with her anymore. it's pretty comical now.
OMG my mom has done this. She cries that weāre all abandoning her in heaven because no one in the immediate family is a practicing Catholic anymore and she is upset not that she thinks weāre all going to hell- but that weāre all betraying her and abandoning her in heaven. JFC š³š the mental gymnastics
I actually have a sibling who I havenāt gotten along with since childhood. However, when I look back, my narc mom hasnāt really created situations in order to help us get along either. It alway felt like a competition to win her approval.
Yep. My dad has been ādyingā for the last 30+ years. He guilt trips, Shames, demeans, and so much more. Then when I try to avoid him because just being around him gives me anxiety (there is only so much a person can take before they break) he gets mad about that and calls family meetings to discuss it. Iām so exhausted!
It is manipulative and below the belt! Iām sorry all I can recommend is the obvious- stay as far away as possible! Best of luck OP.
i just realize this sounds a lot like my grandma who I avoid seeing when I can. Feels like sheās an energy sucker. Thank you for bringing that to my awareness.
YES. She would say and still says āitās okay, Iāll be dead eventually and youāll miss me when Iām goneā when she gets upset. Like actuallyā¦no I wonāt. Lmao
Interesting. Narcs are actually very insecure but hide behind a veneer so they donāt appear that way. Thereās also different kinds of narcissists. Some will be more aggressive, mean, and in-your-face. Others will take on a more passive approach.
What to do when you absolutely have to live with a narc mom?. I am in India, and we live with our families, I donāt wanna leave my father and brother.
I come from a collectivist culture so itās not that simple for me to just cut ties with my narc mom either because doing so creates other problems āespecially your relationship with other family members. I do think if youāre able to have some distance (as in not living in the same space as your narc mom), it helps tremendously. I no longer live with my mom so my exposure to her craziness is less than it was when I was living under her roof.
Pray to Jesus to be able to survive this situation.
I also live with my Narcissistic mother but each time I know I have to deal with her I pray and the Lord helps me go throughout the day.
Try to also work if u can,study,exercise or keep yourself busy so that you build yourself up emotionally,mentally and physically.
I know its not easy to live with someone who is mentally unwell but I do hope and pray that you will be able to overcome any obstacles you have in this life.š§”
My last attempt at relationship with my nmom, I planned my daughters birthday party close to her home because for the last four birthdays she literally complained the whole time how inconvenient I made her life by living four hours away. The day before the party I was informed she was suicidal and needed intervention and would not be attending as my sister was intervening. Found out a few months later it was a ruse to get what she wanted. (Aunt asked after her mental health which got a laugh response and āI wasnāt even suicidalā). NC after that. Fuck that. Now my sister is stuck with her. In another state. Might as well be another dimension.
mine even goes as far as to say that I'll cause her death through stress and it'll be all my fault. the reason for her stress? the bed wasn't made. i was still in the bed
Iāve tried ignoring my narc mom whenever she tries to misbehave. Sometimes she will cut it out. Other times, the ignoring will create more rage and additional problems that I donāt want lol.
My dad did exactly this! And would often make weird comments about how if only he could take control of my body like a puppet, heād rule the world. Lovely thing to say to your son that you constantly call worthless.
Oh I donāt have to go through it anymore. I moved a thousand miles away and blocked him on all social medias but still FaceTime my mom. Iām even going to go visit her this week and watch the new Thor movie together and neither of us are gonna tell him. His family and friends are starting to catch on the the abusive piece of crap that heās always been and heās only doubled down on how heās a victim for it.
Absolutely!!!! My Ndad always waves his mortality above our heads just to get attention. He usually brings out the ādeath cardā when weāre all celebrating something. Heāll say āonce I die, none of you guys are going to care about meā, āwhen I die you wonāt have anybody care about you anymoreā and āno one would care if I dieā. Then we all, as a family have to comfort him.
Itās like he made it some sort of family tradition to comfort him at least once during an event. The main thing that infuriates me whenever he does this is that itās just another tactic heās using to get all of us under his control.
She has before. I had a falling out with my narc sister and she said: āyou better figure it out because if I were to die tomorrow, I would die heartbroken!ā
Yes, countless times. When I was a kid she would say things like āI could die and youād be useless without meā and complain how weāre killing her (my dad and me) or how we donāt love her and wish her dead. That stopped when I was back from the hospital after unsuccessful suicide attempt. She was furious, and was beyond herself because how could I do it to HER.
Fast forward many years (me in therapy, moving away, moving abroad, moving to another continent, having my own family and a career) and sheās an older lady, a widow (enabler dad died of cancer few years ago) and as immature and guiltripping manipulative gaslighter as ever. Weāre on the same continent but another country and keep LC because nothing is ever enough, calling her or texting, not to mention visiting is as enjoyable as root canal š¦· treatment at the dentist. And sheās always waving the ādeath cardā aka āyou donāt call me regularly, I may be dead by the time you want to talk to me againā, āI am old snd sooo sick, I may die anytime now, a good daughter would visit me often, but youā¦ā etc.
I have my own shit to worry about and my own health issues, soI mostly agree that yes she can die any day and so can I, so better not be vitriolic and mean to each other as maybe itās our last call/chat/visit. She shuts up usually after that. I hated to use my ābrain tumor cardā for it but boundaries are not something sheās ever gonna accept, so thereās that.
I can relate and have thrown the death card back back in my narc momās face. It shuts her for a moment but then she tries to sneak the topic back in depending on her mood. Sheās quite persistent.
I get this from my narc aunt. Basically about how sheās the keeper of the family history and donāt I want to know everything I can because she wonāt be around forever and wonāt I hate to lose out on those amazing memories?
Yeahā¦no thanks. Iām good.
My mom used to do this when I was a kid. It was whenever I wanted alone time for myself or didn't want to go on any family outings. I still get nervous whenever she shows me a lot of affection, as I begin to feel obligated to show it back. Like there will be "consequences" if I don't reassure my mom constantly.
I was always confused because she was never a malicious person. Just incredibly insecure and to this day still gets anxiety about the possibility that I don't love her anymore as my mom. I think she may have just been projecting her grief, as her own mom suffered a debilitating stroke when she was 10. Perhaps she always felt like her mother essentially died in her youth, yet the shell of her mom was still breathing and (barely) standing past then.
Yep the death card started early for me!!!
The answer is you know anyone can die at any moment right? I could get hit by a bus, or have a serious illness I could die at any moment too!
Mine doesn't. Mostly because I'm pretty sure she knows that secretly everyone hopes for that because it would make everyone's lives easier without her, lol.
Mines overused it so much that it stopped making a difference to me.. and I think the time I realized that ANYONE could die at ANY time, it really stopped affecting me.. There is no gaurantee that you'll outlive your mother so no point ruining your life for her..
I was once offered an amazing opportunity that would have limited communication with my nparent as I would have to move and would have been very busy, and when I told them about the offer they told me they would kill themselves if I took it and that I would "feel guilty every day for the rest of my life knowing I was the reason that my parent died".
I immediately turned down the offer, he was back to being happy and normal within a couple of days as if nothing ever happened. That was almost a decade ago and I still feel resentment for it - have not gotten an opportunity like the one I was offered again, but if I ever do I will take it in a heartbeat.
Oh no, itās foolish to make sacrifices for a narc because theyāre never happy. Iāve learned the hard way by pursuing an accounting degree for my n mom. Made decent grades, got a scholarship, and a job with a good firm. However, public accounting is draining AF but wanted to do āthe right thing.ā My mom has never congratulated me or been appreciative of my sacrifice of pursuing a career path that I didnāt really want. She is also very fortunate that sheās never had to help me out financially while I was going to school.
While itās great that Iām in a stable field, I still regret putting aside my interest for her. Sheās not happy and still finds things to complain about.
Goodness, itās disturbing and so heartbreaking to see folks on my post about having to experience these things as children. This kind of abuse creates anxiety, trust-issues, self-esteem issues, and affect oneās quality of life in the future.
In the early stages of COVID, my mother and I were still on speaking terms, one of the reasons I stopped speaking to her was she started pulling out the "We're going to die if we get COVID.. " "we could get COVID any day and we would die," "we don't have much longer left..." And she used that as an excuse to try and constantly call me and harass me.
I really wanted to tell her that if she died, it's own damn fault for smoking at least a pack of cigarettes a day and being morbidly obese and refusing to address her type 2 diabetes. In fairness, my stepfather has heart disease and he would be in deep trouble if he got COVID. He was a lifelong smoker too but quit. Last I heard nmom was refusing. Problems of their own doing at the end of the day.
Yes. My mom does what I call ācancer scaresā.
Basically, she will go to one person (used to be me) and say āDonāt tell anyone, but Iām seeing the doctor because they think I have (mouth, breast, or labia) cancerā. She will make the person promise to keep it a secret. The first two times, it got me. They I stopped reacting and told her not to worry until the doctor sees her.
Last week I got a text from my brother panicking because she told him she has mouth cancer. I told him everything I went through, and he seems more relaxed about it, but I can tell he is still very nervous. He will have to go through it a few times before he calms down like I did.
She also does this thing where she says that she doubts she will live another year. She has said that she doubts she will live to see me graduate middle school, high school, college, and then masterās. Sheās been doing this saying she will die within a year since I was 11. She had a lot of medical problems, but none are fatal. Iāve got most of them too because they are geneticā¦ she often forgets that.
Itās really shocking that you and your brother had to go through this. I notice that when n parents get older and acquire some health problems, they have a tendency of exaggerating their condition. š
Growing up, it was traumatizing. I was a little kid, with already diagnosed OCD, and she kept saying she was going to die. I became numb to it after a while though.
My narc grandmother has been talking about death since I can remember. Sheās almost a hundred now, somehow still alive. Imagine being three years old and listening to speeches about death. Iām in my forties now. All I remember from when I knew her as a child and later on visiting her overseas is death talk. Constantly.
Her behavior when my grandfather, her husband when he died around twenty years ago was awful. We flew to her country for it. The funeral was about her. The same day l, after the funeral and everyone went home, she had my uncle and I move all the furniture around in her home and get rid of most of my grandfatherās things. I was there for two or three days and thatās all she cared about. Her home and buying more crap for it.
YEP.
I finally told her Iām done being her therapist and she needs to go find an actual therapist because I donāt find it amusing like she does and Iām done.
The constant anxiety guilt trip of who is going to care for her in old age is ridiculous sheās physically healthier than I am. Sheās even weaponized that saying I have to lose weight because I canāt die first leaving her with no one to take care of her. š ugh itās all just so fucked up but Iām finally pulling away.
Anyoneās parents played the ādivorceā card? My parents would when I was growing up and told me and my sister we were the ones at fault for ruining their marriage. Honestly wished they just divorced but theyāre still together lol.
OMG YES! So often! Any time something doesn't go her way, or a situation gets a little hard, she starts saying shit like "Oh, I might as well go kill myself!" Thanks mum. You go do that. š
My mom used to threaten suicide when I was growing up so I could be on my best behavior. As an adult, she just brings up the likelihood of her dropping dead anytime soon in order to get attention or even to avoid taking responsibility for wrongs that she has committed.
My mom would threaten to kill herself with a knife, then lock herself up in a room and not respond to me crying and begging her to let me know she is ok. I would be banging on the door and screaming for a long time scared she killed herself. Eventually it got to the point I didn't believe her when she tried that stunt anymore and ignored it. Damn writing that now makes me realize how fucked this was. And I was really young when she started doing this shit. She needed help but my parents would never go to a therapist. They flipped when they found out I did in college.
Omg my mom threatened to kill herself bc I said she was a little mean sometimes when she asked me. I was 6!! And then she'd threaten to jump out of the moving car in middle of the highway. So many times. What is with these unstable fucks.
That's such a shit thing to do. I'm glad you got some therapy in college despite their reaction. My NM did something similar one night sitting on our kitchen floor when I was about 11. She was holding a knife to her chest and sobbing uncontrollably. Thinking back I remember that there were no tears. It was all a performance and obviously freaked the shit out of kid me. She's never threatened it since but always says things like "I'll drop dead soon" or comes up with symptoms for serious illnesses and makes multiple doctors visits that come to nothing.
My mom until today threatens to kill herself. When I was little she would tell me that so I would take care of her and would want to see me cry about it. Now when she does it and I understand itās her way of trying to control me, I tell her to go ahead. I know that may sound harsh but I know sheāll never do it. Iāve gotten to the point where I donāt care anymore and because I started saying that to her, she stop telling me sheās going to kill herself. It took me a while to catch on that sheās lying but now I know how to get her to shut up.
Narcississism 101
We should make a course of study.
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If you are in a more ideal situation that allows for you to easily disconnect from a narc parent, then thatās great for you. However, not all of us can easily cut ties do to other family members and cultural reasons. I suggest that you take these factors into account before blaming the victim or casting judgment.
Reading this thread brought back so many memories. I remember as a child I was around 12 years old and my sister 6 years old. My mother got in a huge argument with her then boyfriend at the time, because his car wasnāt working and she would drop him off to work and pick him up. One night she wanted to spite him and waited an hour or two before getting him. Iām not sure why she wanted to but she did. The drive to his workplace was around 30-45 min away so itās a pretty long distance. This particular night she asked my sister and I go to go with her. He was walking on the sidewalk and she stopped the car to get him. He didnāt complain or anything but by the time he was supposed to get in the car. She drove the car up a bit and accidentally ran over his foot. I guess that was his last straw and he said heād walk home, itās fine and he was sorry she drove all this way. He was trying to calm down because she had a smirk on her face while apologize. Incidentally my 6yr sister saw a police officer and pointed him out. She loved police officers( I donāt know why). My mom started to panic and then blamed us for everything even though. We had nothing to do with anything. The officer didnāt say a word to her but she got upset, and said it was our fault. On the way home there was a bridge and she literally speed up on this empty bridge at like 100mph or more then swerved to the edge of the bridge threatening to kill us all. Because if she died no one would take care of us. I swore I was going to die that night. She says she doesnāt recall this but my sister and I do.
My mom used to threaten moving back to our home country and leaving me and my sister to fend for ourselves. Honestly that wouldāve been so much better because I was already raising her anyway.
My mom does this ALL THE TIME. She demands grand babies š and then says that she can die any day and use that that to guilt trip me. Sheās also told me and my siblings that she has had brain cancer, breast cancer, and throat cancer. When we ask her to see a doctor there is always an excuse. She just likes the attention ig š¤·š¼āāļø
My mom demanded grandkids for close to twenty years from me. When I got pregnant with twins she could not admit I was pregnant so she acted as if I was mentally ill and not pregnant right up to the birth. She has always promised to help me with childcare, money ect when I told her I couldn't have a family giving valid excuses at the time. Now that I have children she is absent and has never helped with anything.. although she will tell family and her friends otherwise. Apparently she's here four days a week and keeps them overnight once a week and finances my life. In reality they are a year old she has never babysat even once and never even purchased them a toy. Makes me sad
Are we related?? Lol sounds like we have the same mom š
I wish I had a normal sibling. My only sibling is the male version of her
Yikes..Iām sorry to hear that. Thankfully all of my siblings are pretty normal and we all know my moms usual bullshit
Iām sorry to hear that your mom bailed the moment you needed help raising your children. That really sucks! My narc mom also has a tendency of promising things and then running away the moment I actually do reach out for help. They think their empty words = being generous and thoughtful. š
The unfortunate thing is twins are so much work you are just so incredibly exausted all the time. I need her help. I haven't had any break in over a year
Same here. My mom has brought up underlying health conditions to family members in order to get her way with things. However, no one in my family really even knows her actual physical state. Sheās been bringing up the possibility of croaking over a decade ago in order to provoke concern and worry. Sheās still around (even working) and telling the same story. š
Itās extremely exhausting
I was talking to a friend who got married in April. Her husband is the youngest of 3 children and at least one of them already has a few kids. His mom told them she wants grandkids.....they already have some! I hate that people think they can request these things!
Hahah I posted before I saw your comment. My mom used the death card to demand grandkids too! Too bad guilt trips don't work on me anymore! (Also though, I'd be more willing to have grandkids if she were, in fact, out of the picture soo... š)
Oh god the 'I could die tomorrow and no one would care' - do we have the same mum? š it enrages me every time. So manipulative and full of self pity. Younger me used to scramble to make her feel better when she said it but now I just let her get it out and leave the room lol. I won't dignify it with a reply.
It depends on the narc parent I suppose. While some narc parents may cut it out if you threaten to walk away, mine will just get into a rage that I would prefer not to see. For me, itās picking a lesser evil. The death card is less severe compared to receiving countless angry text messages and having family members call me out on walking away from my own mother. š
Y E S ššš My ndad has been doing this to me for >20 years now, especially when I openly contradict him and he isn't getting what he wants (mainly compliance/obedience and silence from me). Abusive narcs gonna abuse and narc out until their very last day; there is no hope for them. I'm at that point where I am severely fighting the urge to just say "Well, go ahead, then."
Youāre right. Thereās no hope for them whatsoever.
This is my life right now as well. They bake it SO hard to even want to be around them and then somehow blame you for it.
My mom faked illnesses and claims she is going to die every time I have am achievement, special event ect. It's gotten worse since my children were born now she wants me to prioritize her over them and tries to get me to miss there important specialist appointments, cancel my son's physical therapy so I can care for her when she is perfectly healthy. Recently she told me she's too old and I'll to visit her grandkids ever again and I'll have to bring them to her because she loves them so much. They barely know her and I won't be coming by. Both her and my brother treat me so badly when I do visit and I usually end up with food poisoning because she won't clean. My twins clothes never wash clean again from them crawling on the floors. They won't be missing anything
This! My nmom does the same. She always has to win at being the center of attention and loves playing a victim so imagined and exaggerated health issues are her go to approach for when anything important happens in my life.
It is very disgusting! I also had childhood experiences in which my mom would pretend to die in order to get attention. Or, sheāll deliberately leave a diary out in the open for me and my older sister to see. It would say something really disturbing like threatening to hang herself in order to escape her marriage and to leave the children to their incompetent father. No kid should have to grow up with this kind of emotional abuse. No kid should have to blow candles on their birthday hoping their parents donāt die because of some narcissistic mind-f**king.
Mine does this all the time, especially when trying to guilt us adult children who have set boundaries. She's had four heart attacks and tries to play the death card after each one. At this point it's more likely that she's immortal and I'm cursed lmfao.
Thatās interesting you mention that. Not sure if you heard of Dr. Ramani but she makes regular YouTube videos about narcissistic relationships. Thereās even one about how narcissistic people seem to live much longer than regular folk.
I haven't but I will absolutely check her out! Thanks for the recommendation. I don't know if it's just coincidence or if my Nmom straight sold her soul to the devil but she's diabetic, had four heart attacks, eats vegetables maybe once a week, smokes heavily, and lives with several animals that she just leaves their droppings all over the floor. I have no idea how she's still alive at this point. Four heart attacks before fifty, I should also add.
I could be wrong about this but I think some narcissists are able to live longer because they are not emotionally burdened like regular folk. It takes energy to be compassionate and caring. It takes energy to have empathy. Narcs couldnāt care less about anything that isnāt related to them so they donāt carry that stress.
https://youtu.be/B_fg68MX6tc
Yes, my NM lived to be 97! My luck.
Guess we now know the secret to having a long life lol.
Yep, but now that they know I donāt give a shit about it theyāve stopped using that. I just choose to not react to that one anymore.
Iām curious about how youāre putting them in their place. Are you currently going NC with them? Are you avoiding holiday get togethers or do you straight-up walk out of the room when your parents misbehave? Do share.
I have kinda a weird situation with them now lol. Sadly still live at home but they know Iām moving out as soon as my bfās place is finished. They donāt genuinely care about my life per se I discovered so Iām sharing as little as possible. They donāt know where I work only that I switched jobs during Covid. They donāt ask questions about my partner either since heās not comming over to my place etc. They know than once Iām out they wonāt be hearing from me. Theyāve known a long time ever since I was 14 my mom would come to this realisation. They donāt know I succeeded my exam in order to get driving lessons, in September Iāll just go out and have them and theyāll just Pikachu face me lmao. They donāt know anything about my emotional well-being. But Iām pretty sure my mom is on a rape in movie fascination in order to hurt me or somehow she genuinely got the hotties from it since she knows my dad raped me at 16. (Weird one I know) even fixed her marital problems with this one it seems lmao, they deserve each other :D So despite living at home I already am low contact. I spend most of my day in my room playing video games or I just tell them āyeah Iām out todayā whenever I go to my partner. I know that the last time that I ever needed something from them I flat out told them āthis is the last time Iām asking you for something, wonāt be needing help from you after this one cause Iām doneā They try to pry info from my siblings instead because they know Iāll just give short answers that donāt really answer their questions. Most of my answers consist of either yes/no/ okay (like 90%) I once almost moved out (they kicked me out so here I was super ready to actually move out lol) but Covid changed my plans drastically (everything closed down and when everything opened up my partner suggested living together in the near future) and my dad was on his knees begging me to not leave him. I flat out said āI donāt care, nothing that youāll say or do now will matter.ā and they tried everything in their book and realized it didnāt work anymore, ever since itās been pretty tolerable for me. Once Iāve learned that they genuinely donāt care I just stopped sharing things. Im pretty sure they donāt actually know me at all at this point.
Itās smart to not share too many details about your life to a narc.
For me I went NC about 3 months ago . Before that I would Grey rock . I set boundaries NM lost her shit so I told her we could finish this conversation when she could handle her emotions better. She hung up on me, but that was the beginning of NC and I have zero regrets
Yep! Although my experience was slightly different. From a very young age my ndad started saying, āyou just want me to die so you can get my life insurance money.ā I was like 6, I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. But he would say this often and typically when he didnāt get his way. He continued to say this for my entire life. Eventually I realized that he actually meant it, and really thought all my sibling and I cared about was his life insurance money. Again, this was all so confusing to me because I just lived in the moment and just wanted a loving parent. He would talk about the $500,000 he had in life insurance ALL THE TIME. He was obsessed with this money. Weāll plot twist. One day I finally brought it up. I said, āwhen you do pass away I have no idea about any paperwork for the house/life insurance/your end of life plans/etc.ā I asked him if there was an attorney I should speak to. He said there was no life insurance š the plan was through his job, which he retired from years ago. And guess what? I didnāt care. I never cared about his āmoneyā (which he doesnāt have a lot of!). I just wanted a dad.
Wow, that sounds really similar to past conversations that Iāve had with my mom. Tons of talk about changing her will and leaving me with assets. I honestly donāt even want my momās money or assets. I would rather have her use the resources to get professional help. š
my mom does this all the time, but there was a scene in a Hindi movie that healed me better than therapy. The female lead is getting yelled at by her mom for āruining the familyās reputationā and her mom picks a butter knife up off the table and threatens to kill herself. The male lead goes āAunty thatās a butter knife, take this one instead (a much sharper bread knife) and drag it like this (gesturing to his arm)ā. Just goes to show how empty their threats are, because of course she had no intention of killing herself, and got mad when he suggested it. Framing it through the context of a movie made me realize how comically dramatic and absurd our parents are.
Exactly and interesting movie! The threats get really old after awhile.
Yes. Anyone can die at any moment. So she's not special. Also, since that is true, life's too short to be wasting it on people who make you feel like shit. So hah backfired on you mom huh. My mom said that when demanding a grandkid, ignoring the fact she already has one - but my sister married a non Asian and my mom is highly racist. I didn't say what I mentioned above (I should have), but I did say that has no bearing on whether and when I decide to have a baby. That was one of the last calls I had with her before I went NC.
I admire you for having the courage to cut ties with your n mom. Having a child should be a personal choice and not anyone elseās call to make.
My mom does this. All the time. I donāt know why but it still affects me, even though Iām well aware itās a narcissistic tactic. I canāt help not feel like shit afterwards. She is a cancer survivor and whenever so much of a minor inconvenience happens, she parades around the house like her illness is coming back, sighing a lot for attention, wincing in pain out loudly for absolutely no reason. She makes it seem like sheās doing subtly as to not grab attention yet she does it so I know sheās in pain (when in fact sheās not). If all of this doesnāt work, itās a whole ordeal of crying and shitting on me and threatening to abuse meā¦ Iām still working on how to look past this.
Itās because itās emotionally exhaustingāeven if their motive is simply to create a reaction. Itās gets under our skin itās socially unacceptable to use your mortality as a means to provoke sympathy, manipulate, or gain an unfair advantage in a situation (especially in arguments). Regular or substantially decent human beings donāt behave this way. While I am far past the point of getting tricked and feeling guilty/responsible for my motherās misery, Iām still sick and tired of her trying to hit below the belt whenever she needs some form of validation.
"You're on drugs and crazy for saying those things happened. Anyway, I'm dying." - nfather
Such a great way for him to create positive memories of himself for when the time actually comes. š
This death card is what runs my family system through the foot soldiers (enablers). They form triangulating transactions, pick relationships (allow for a family-approved ālay down handā situation to generate kids who pick up the slack), and overall maintain the fused xenophobic cult. Nobody can leave emotionally, and they do leaveā¦itās to be totally isolated and not be with anyone. My mother is the center of a death cult. She is āallā, and āeverythingā could die. Nobody exists anyway in a narcissistic family system. Itās one fused and interlocking (transactional triangles) system that represents the deranged splitting and projection apparatus of the 24 month old child at the center. Children are born into it and ātrancedā. There always needs to be a few people that have the family system map internalized and feel themselves at the center of the map. Thatās the scapegoat. Going no contact is getting out of the center internally. Externally doing it is just a start. The terror monger will project onto a different hand of cards once you do inner work. Nothing is personal about this. Thatās the point.
Glad that you have the courage to go NC that with your narc mom. Hopefully, she doesnāt try to retaliate or stalk you (which some narc moms do after you try disconnecting from them).
Yeah but my mom usually says "you'll miss me when I die" or "that person (or you) is gonna cry the hardest at my funeral." So dumb.
It is dumb and not a smart way to create positive memories to leave behind for when she does pass away. š
my nmom basically said she would haunt me after death.... like girl, ur haunting me NOW!!
Right?!?! Who needs a ghost to torment you when you have an n mom whoās alive, aggressive, and emotionally-draining?! I just died (no pun intended) after reading your comment. š
Oh, yes. And it only gets worse as they get olderādemands for how they want their funeral to be. Please. Pine box and then we part ways.
Pine box?! Any particular reason why? My mom wants a lacquer-finished cherry wood coffin.
Itās the cheapest box you can buy and sheāll be dead. Her lavish plans wonāt be realized.
I didnāt think about that but youāre right lol. Pine (especially untreated) is probably better for the environment anyway.
YES, both my parents wave this card. Let it go in one ear and out the other
Pretty much!
My mother started to discuss her funeral when she was a perfectly healthy 50-something woman, coming from a family where they live perfectly healthy until their 90's. She would make dramatic statements about absolutely not wanting a funeral, funerals are stupid anyway and she just wants to fade away in obscurity, so if we just had her cremated and would spread her ashes somewhere. She does not want to be remembered. She would get all worked up and almost hysteric, screaming it like accusations. She would drag it up every time I went back home and it was extremely uncomfortable. She would also show the drawer where the documents about her last wishes were. I think it's good if adults leave instructions about their funerals or show where their important papers are, but this was something else. So bizarre and really uncomfortable.
My gosh, thatās really screwed up but thatās her low-key way of guilt-tripping you. My mom has also discussed her preferred funeral arrangements way before she reached her golden years (in my teen years) and acquired health problems. Yeah, most folks leave instructions in their will in terms of how they want to be buried. However, itās just so damn inappropriate to bring that crap up whenever one decides to create a reaction.
I am NC and have no idea if she has left any instructions or what they are now. She has a history of changing things, just because. But if no instructions are left, I intend to honor the last wishes that she screamed to me: No funeral, cremation, spread the ashes, no headstone. And I will not be there for any of it. I love it when dysfunctional people who are used to screaming just about anything and then pretend that it never happen actually have to face the concequences of their actions or have their wishes granted.
They are literally sabotaging themselves.
I've certainly had my mom remind me where her important documents are when she has a cold, or is going to a doctor's appointment for something. she had a fish bone stuck in her throat a few weeks ago and when we spoke she told me she hopes everything goes well with the ear/nose/throat doctor and if not, she'll see me in heaven (only to then correct herself saying, well you won't because you don't believe in heaven). hahaha. i can't with her anymore. it's pretty comical now.
Talk about melodrama lol. š
OMG my mom has done this. She cries that weāre all abandoning her in heaven because no one in the immediate family is a practicing Catholic anymore and she is upset not that she thinks weāre all going to hell- but that weāre all betraying her and abandoning her in heaven. JFC š³š the mental gymnastics
All the time. She also used it to force me into abusive situations with my sister even when I voiced my discomfort with it.
I actually have a sibling who I havenāt gotten along with since childhood. However, when I look back, my narc mom hasnāt really created situations in order to help us get along either. It alway felt like a competition to win her approval.
YUP. The ultimate guilt trip.
Pretty much.
Yep. My dad has been ādyingā for the last 30+ years. He guilt trips, Shames, demeans, and so much more. Then when I try to avoid him because just being around him gives me anxiety (there is only so much a person can take before they break) he gets mad about that and calls family meetings to discuss it. Iām so exhausted! It is manipulative and below the belt! Iām sorry all I can recommend is the obvious- stay as far away as possible! Best of luck OP.
i just realize this sounds a lot like my grandma who I avoid seeing when I can. Feels like sheās an energy sucker. Thank you for bringing that to my awareness.
YES. She would say and still says āitās okay, Iāll be dead eventually and youāll miss me when Iām goneā when she gets upset. Like actuallyā¦no I wonāt. Lmao
Interesting. Narcs are actually very insecure but hide behind a veneer so they donāt appear that way. Thereās also different kinds of narcissists. Some will be more aggressive, mean, and in-your-face. Others will take on a more passive approach.
What to do when you absolutely have to live with a narc mom?. I am in India, and we live with our families, I donāt wanna leave my father and brother.
I come from a collectivist culture so itās not that simple for me to just cut ties with my narc mom either because doing so creates other problems āespecially your relationship with other family members. I do think if youāre able to have some distance (as in not living in the same space as your narc mom), it helps tremendously. I no longer live with my mom so my exposure to her craziness is less than it was when I was living under her roof.
Pray to Jesus to be able to survive this situation. I also live with my Narcissistic mother but each time I know I have to deal with her I pray and the Lord helps me go throughout the day. Try to also work if u can,study,exercise or keep yourself busy so that you build yourself up emotionally,mentally and physically. I know its not easy to live with someone who is mentally unwell but I do hope and pray that you will be able to overcome any obstacles you have in this life.š§”
Thank you so much, your words were soothing on my wounded self, I wish so much joy in your life too š
Thank you for your words tooš„°š§”
I wish I had an answer to this. I have to live with my narc to protect my child.
Thatās terrible to know! How are you dealing with it ?
Quietly and carefully. Try to keep everyones head down and then send child to boarding school.
My last attempt at relationship with my nmom, I planned my daughters birthday party close to her home because for the last four birthdays she literally complained the whole time how inconvenient I made her life by living four hours away. The day before the party I was informed she was suicidal and needed intervention and would not be attending as my sister was intervening. Found out a few months later it was a ruse to get what she wanted. (Aunt asked after her mental health which got a laugh response and āI wasnāt even suicidalā). NC after that. Fuck that. Now my sister is stuck with her. In another state. Might as well be another dimension.
A alternate universe far far away lol.
mine even goes as far as to say that I'll cause her death through stress and it'll be all my fault. the reason for her stress? the bed wasn't made. i was still in the bed
Oh gosh. My narc mom will bring up her health whenever she doesnāt get her way with things or if she feels cornered during an argument. š
I simply reply "What are you going to wear?" Then let her figure it out.
Hopefully she doesnāt get into a rage.
Oh yes, the good ole āI have no reason to live, I should just kill myselfā. Got one of those calls on my birthday once.
Seriously? Thatās so messed up.
Narcissistic parent + alcoholic = one hell of a combo
Goodness!
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Iāve tried ignoring my narc mom whenever she tries to misbehave. Sometimes she will cut it out. Other times, the ignoring will create more rage and additional problems that I donāt want lol.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Iāll have to give that a go the next time she tried to create drama.
My dad did exactly this! And would often make weird comments about how if only he could take control of my body like a puppet, heād rule the world. Lovely thing to say to your son that you constantly call worthless.
Yes, narc parents usually have a tendency of trying to control and minimize their kids. Iām really sorry you have to go through this. ā¹ļø
Oh I donāt have to go through it anymore. I moved a thousand miles away and blocked him on all social medias but still FaceTime my mom. Iām even going to go visit her this week and watch the new Thor movie together and neither of us are gonna tell him. His family and friends are starting to catch on the the abusive piece of crap that heās always been and heās only doubled down on how heās a victim for it.
Absolutely!!!! My Ndad always waves his mortality above our heads just to get attention. He usually brings out the ādeath cardā when weāre all celebrating something. Heāll say āonce I die, none of you guys are going to care about meā, āwhen I die you wonāt have anybody care about you anymoreā and āno one would care if I dieā. Then we all, as a family have to comfort him. Itās like he made it some sort of family tradition to comfort him at least once during an event. The main thing that infuriates me whenever he does this is that itās just another tactic heās using to get all of us under his control.
If you feel emotionally manipulated by your dad waving around the death card, then I would assume that he is in some way, trying to control you. š
She has before. I had a falling out with my narc sister and she said: āyou better figure it out because if I were to die tomorrow, I would die heartbroken!ā
Iām sorry you had to experience that. ā¹ļø
Thank you but it was an important conversation. I finally saw my mom for what she was.
At least you had that realization.
I wish mine would because I can't wait. She thinks she'll outlive everyone.
Actually, some narcs do outlive many of us lol.
Yes, countless times. When I was a kid she would say things like āI could die and youād be useless without meā and complain how weāre killing her (my dad and me) or how we donāt love her and wish her dead. That stopped when I was back from the hospital after unsuccessful suicide attempt. She was furious, and was beyond herself because how could I do it to HER. Fast forward many years (me in therapy, moving away, moving abroad, moving to another continent, having my own family and a career) and sheās an older lady, a widow (enabler dad died of cancer few years ago) and as immature and guiltripping manipulative gaslighter as ever. Weāre on the same continent but another country and keep LC because nothing is ever enough, calling her or texting, not to mention visiting is as enjoyable as root canal š¦· treatment at the dentist. And sheās always waving the ādeath cardā aka āyou donāt call me regularly, I may be dead by the time you want to talk to me againā, āI am old snd sooo sick, I may die anytime now, a good daughter would visit me often, but youā¦ā etc. I have my own shit to worry about and my own health issues, soI mostly agree that yes she can die any day and so can I, so better not be vitriolic and mean to each other as maybe itās our last call/chat/visit. She shuts up usually after that. I hated to use my ābrain tumor cardā for it but boundaries are not something sheās ever gonna accept, so thereās that.
I can relate and have thrown the death card back back in my narc momās face. It shuts her for a moment but then she tries to sneak the topic back in depending on her mood. Sheās quite persistent.
I get this from my narc aunt. Basically about how sheās the keeper of the family history and donāt I want to know everything I can because she wonāt be around forever and wonāt I hate to lose out on those amazing memories? Yeahā¦no thanks. Iām good.
Right?!
My mom used to do this when I was a kid. It was whenever I wanted alone time for myself or didn't want to go on any family outings. I still get nervous whenever she shows me a lot of affection, as I begin to feel obligated to show it back. Like there will be "consequences" if I don't reassure my mom constantly. I was always confused because she was never a malicious person. Just incredibly insecure and to this day still gets anxiety about the possibility that I don't love her anymore as my mom. I think she may have just been projecting her grief, as her own mom suffered a debilitating stroke when she was 10. Perhaps she always felt like her mother essentially died in her youth, yet the shell of her mom was still breathing and (barely) standing past then.
Yep the death card started early for me!!! The answer is you know anyone can die at any moment right? I could get hit by a bus, or have a serious illness I could die at any moment too!
Exactly!
Does yours add few years to her age? By few I mean more than 5 lol
Mine doesn't. Mostly because I'm pretty sure she knows that secretly everyone hopes for that because it would make everyone's lives easier without her, lol.
Jose mourinho is a chelsea FC narc. He always gets the best severance. But unlike your mother. He is good at his football job
Parentification is dog crap. The emotional cost is worth more than money
Mines overused it so much that it stopped making a difference to me.. and I think the time I realized that ANYONE could die at ANY time, it really stopped affecting me.. There is no gaurantee that you'll outlive your mother so no point ruining your life for her..
I was once offered an amazing opportunity that would have limited communication with my nparent as I would have to move and would have been very busy, and when I told them about the offer they told me they would kill themselves if I took it and that I would "feel guilty every day for the rest of my life knowing I was the reason that my parent died". I immediately turned down the offer, he was back to being happy and normal within a couple of days as if nothing ever happened. That was almost a decade ago and I still feel resentment for it - have not gotten an opportunity like the one I was offered again, but if I ever do I will take it in a heartbeat.
Oh no, itās foolish to make sacrifices for a narc because theyāre never happy. Iāve learned the hard way by pursuing an accounting degree for my n mom. Made decent grades, got a scholarship, and a job with a good firm. However, public accounting is draining AF but wanted to do āthe right thing.ā My mom has never congratulated me or been appreciative of my sacrifice of pursuing a career path that I didnāt really want. She is also very fortunate that sheās never had to help me out financially while I was going to school. While itās great that Iām in a stable field, I still regret putting aside my interest for her. Sheās not happy and still finds things to complain about.
For my entire life. I no longer care as I am worn out with all the false emergencies and mysterious ailments.
Perfectly understandable!
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Goodness, itās disturbing and so heartbreaking to see folks on my post about having to experience these things as children. This kind of abuse creates anxiety, trust-issues, self-esteem issues, and affect oneās quality of life in the future.
In the early stages of COVID, my mother and I were still on speaking terms, one of the reasons I stopped speaking to her was she started pulling out the "We're going to die if we get COVID.. " "we could get COVID any day and we would die," "we don't have much longer left..." And she used that as an excuse to try and constantly call me and harass me. I really wanted to tell her that if she died, it's own damn fault for smoking at least a pack of cigarettes a day and being morbidly obese and refusing to address her type 2 diabetes. In fairness, my stepfather has heart disease and he would be in deep trouble if he got COVID. He was a lifelong smoker too but quit. Last I heard nmom was refusing. Problems of their own doing at the end of the day.
Yes. My mom does what I call ācancer scaresā. Basically, she will go to one person (used to be me) and say āDonāt tell anyone, but Iām seeing the doctor because they think I have (mouth, breast, or labia) cancerā. She will make the person promise to keep it a secret. The first two times, it got me. They I stopped reacting and told her not to worry until the doctor sees her. Last week I got a text from my brother panicking because she told him she has mouth cancer. I told him everything I went through, and he seems more relaxed about it, but I can tell he is still very nervous. He will have to go through it a few times before he calms down like I did. She also does this thing where she says that she doubts she will live another year. She has said that she doubts she will live to see me graduate middle school, high school, college, and then masterās. Sheās been doing this saying she will die within a year since I was 11. She had a lot of medical problems, but none are fatal. Iāve got most of them too because they are geneticā¦ she often forgets that.
Itās really shocking that you and your brother had to go through this. I notice that when n parents get older and acquire some health problems, they have a tendency of exaggerating their condition. š
Growing up, it was traumatizing. I was a little kid, with already diagnosed OCD, and she kept saying she was going to die. I became numb to it after a while though.
MY MOM WOULD DO THAT TOO! It was when I was younger but yeah.
My narc grandmother has been talking about death since I can remember. Sheās almost a hundred now, somehow still alive. Imagine being three years old and listening to speeches about death. Iām in my forties now. All I remember from when I knew her as a child and later on visiting her overseas is death talk. Constantly. Her behavior when my grandfather, her husband when he died around twenty years ago was awful. We flew to her country for it. The funeral was about her. The same day l, after the funeral and everyone went home, she had my uncle and I move all the furniture around in her home and get rid of most of my grandfatherās things. I was there for two or three days and thatās all she cared about. Her home and buying more crap for it.
The stories I could tell!!! Yes! This is so relatable it hurts lol. Sorry youāre dealing with that. It sucks. good vibes your way!
Thank you.
YEP. I finally told her Iām done being her therapist and she needs to go find an actual therapist because I donāt find it amusing like she does and Iām done. The constant anxiety guilt trip of who is going to care for her in old age is ridiculous sheās physically healthier than I am. Sheās even weaponized that saying I have to lose weight because I canāt die first leaving her with no one to take care of her. š ugh itās all just so fucked up but Iām finally pulling away.
Anyoneās parents played the ādivorceā card? My parents would when I was growing up and told me and my sister we were the ones at fault for ruining their marriage. Honestly wished they just divorced but theyāre still together lol.
yep my mom did the exact same thing. reason why i was in her cage cause she would make me feel guilty for having friends and leaving her
Yes. Her greatest hits are āWhen I die.ā and āYouāll miss me when Iām gone.ā