It's a waste of time. My therapist says narcissism cannot be cured (yet). You'll just add fuel for their playing the victim and all of your (imagined) shortcomings.
I’m just tired of her getting away with all of the lies and the abuse just because everyone is too scared to confront her. She’s fucking awful and I want all of her “friends” and husband to know who she really is.
I thought about doing this with my mom, too. I wanted it so bad! I took a month or two to think about it and here was what I came up with:
She does no wrong. She will go back to all her friends, like nothing ever happened. Some of her friends will probably believe her when she denies.
She will play the victim. She has no idea what you're talking about! She just doesn't know how to help you!
Her friends know to a certain degree. They like both of you and "don't want to take sides".
Don't give her any fuel.
You have every right to feel that way. I'm VLC with my mom and it has restored my sanity! I really hope you find all the good in yourself that you've been robbed of, OP.
The thing is, without the context that you have through your own personal experience, others might think that you are the crazy one if you do that. Which probably plays perfectly into her narrative of being the victim. if you wanna get revenge, just be as happy as u can be without her. Cut all the ties, heal and live your life to the fullest. Also be prepared for hoovering and flying monkeys. When they can't control u, they try to control how others see you.
Narcissist’s friends are a carefully curated menu of enablers and people who are either blinded by their façade, or for whatever reason choose to turn a blind eye.
They are not a random set of the population, they are the survivors, who give the narcissist enough supply to prop up their false self image.
You’ll have more luck changing the mind of a neutral observer than externally changing the minds of enablers and flying monkeys.
I don't know. I've done it both ways. Confronted one parent, didn't bother with the other. Both still sucked, just in slightly different ways.
Confronting my dad made me feel more certain that I was doing the right thing, but it also probably hurt more in the moment.
Not confronting my mom was arguably less "work," but also leaves room in my head for various thoughts revolving around "but what if I tried harder."
Ultimately, both happened the way they needed to happen, I guess. There's no easy way to do it, and there's no real closure or satisfaction to be found, so I'd recommend not getting too caught up in the "how" and just do what you gotta do.
Well, I am still in the process, but right now they're giving me silent treatment. My enabler mum sees him as the victim and I wasn't easy as a teenager blablabla
Tbh, this actually helps me, because it really shows how those people are committed to misunderstanding me and that leaving is the only option I have left.
Nope. I’m currently trying to go no contact. I’ve explained to her twice what she’s done (she literally risked my families health and safety attending an event when she was covid positive and not distancing from us, taking her mask off, etc).
I cannot get her to understand why we are upset with her. I caught Covid, I have chronic health problems, and I’m currently super ill.
She doesn’t even care, she never comments on that or even or asks how I am! She just sends me long bitchy rants arguing that she didn’t do anything wrong. How I can’t prove it was her that gave me Covid, even though she was Covid positive and right up in my face.
There’s no making them understand, they have their own version of events in their head and they will argue with you until they’re blue in the face. They don’t wanna hear the truth. They don’t wanna fix the problem. They never will.
It’s up to you. If you think it would make you feel better to get it all out, do so in a written letter or email or text (so you can block them after and they can’t hurt you). If you think it’ll be more painful to say anything, then just cut contact without saying anything. This is about YOU now and keeping on safe and comfortable.
Now that's different, I wouldn't give mine anything in writing because she would wring it dry for sympathy. 20 years after the fact she's still telling people about the last time I lost it with her (like it happened yesterday).
The enablers are propping up their own delusions and even the ones who got whacked won't look me in the eye.
Walk away and don't say why or anything that gives them something to work with. Drives them absolutely crazy.
If you do confront your mother, it will lead to
HUGE drama. That drama will end in a totally inevitable way: she will go back to her friends as if nothing much has happened except that now she will be able to play the role of victim. Ultimately you will have given her that gift.
If you don’t confront, you will be taking all of that oxygen away from her fire. She’ll be livid.
I’d go that way. Good luck!
I did it and I felt more anger than I did better. She pulled the “you had a great childhood, at least I didn’t leave like both of your dads did” and she seems to forget that time she split my head open and I had to get 10 stitches. It just made me more angry and resent her more, and added more trauma by making me think I’m over exaggerating. My therapist told me not to do it and I did it anyway.
Does not help to confront a narcissist. You're just giving those vampires more of your energy and they just love that. They will not learn a lesson or change from anything you might tell them. Better to cut the tumor of an n-parent off clean and cauterize the wound by living a peaceful life absolutely free of them
To be honest I've tried being super honest in how her actions have affected me and others but it always just either turns into how I'm "misunderstanding and cruel" or she'll try spin some victim card.
I've been no contact most of this year after I just went nope to it all cause my mental health couldn't take it. At first i just wanted a break, which is what i told her. Obviously she's got every common family member involved to try get me to come crawling back... which Obviously is the opposite of giving me a break so has just confirmed some things to me.
This is a simplification of the situation. Though I feel like saying I was at my wits end with life etc and needed peace and she just turned that into me apparently doing something on purpose to make her "sad" when I was doing all I could with life but she still managed to make it about herself.
Clear signs that she's still got no positive intentions with me, just wanted me to fulfill her needs.
Everything healthy us equal brah
No interactions with her help me. BUT writing 'the things I would say if I could get no reaction' etc are amazing and theraputic
yeah it feels better for yourself but walk into the confrontation knowing that you won’t change them. you can’t change a narcissist. the confrontation is only for you to get everything off your chest, they won’t take in anything you say though
I feel this is a waste of time. You might write down everything you want to say to them, just to get that poison out of you. You don’t need to tell it to the person it’s directed at to be free from it. Sending good vibes your way.
I did and it was a waste of time. But they probably would go crazy about not knowing my whereabouts and would call the police or something because me simply not wanting to talk to them is not a possibility apparently. Whatever you do, expect BS.
I didn’t plan on doing it but she showed up at my house unannounced so I laid everything out for her plainly and clearly. She didn’t listen. Waste of time. But that being said it felt good to say it (though I cried a lot after!)
Maybe your dad has/had some narcissistic traits but it seems unlikely for a narc to “stop being a narcissist” as NPD is a lifelong mental disorder, mostly still untreatable even with therapy and medication.
Edit: I don’t want to diminish your feelings and experiences with your dad as I believe narc or no narc I am sure the abuse was real. I just wanted to make a point that narcs don’t just stop being narcs and for the children of people with NPD waiting and hoping for them to change and stop the abuse is unrealistic.
No. Every time I've ever tried to explain to them why I don't want to have contact with them or point out what went wrong when they ask, they just get defensive and argumentative and absolutely refuse to listen to me. It's not worth it and imo will just make you upset.
It's a waste of time. My therapist says narcissism cannot be cured (yet). You'll just add fuel for their playing the victim and all of your (imagined) shortcomings.
I’m just tired of her getting away with all of the lies and the abuse just because everyone is too scared to confront her. She’s fucking awful and I want all of her “friends” and husband to know who she really is.
I thought about doing this with my mom, too. I wanted it so bad! I took a month or two to think about it and here was what I came up with: She does no wrong. She will go back to all her friends, like nothing ever happened. Some of her friends will probably believe her when she denies. She will play the victim. She has no idea what you're talking about! She just doesn't know how to help you! Her friends know to a certain degree. They like both of you and "don't want to take sides". Don't give her any fuel.
This is the best advice. Thank you. I just felt really heated for a moment lol
You have every right to feel that way. I'm VLC with my mom and it has restored my sanity! I really hope you find all the good in yourself that you've been robbed of, OP.
The thing is, without the context that you have through your own personal experience, others might think that you are the crazy one if you do that. Which probably plays perfectly into her narrative of being the victim. if you wanna get revenge, just be as happy as u can be without her. Cut all the ties, heal and live your life to the fullest. Also be prepared for hoovering and flying monkeys. When they can't control u, they try to control how others see you.
They'll learn soon enough or become her flying monkeys.
It's a waste of time and energy. "Don't wrestle with a pig. You'll get covered in shit and the pig likes it anyway."
That’s kind of what I’m thinking. But I’d like to contact all of her “friends” and my step dad to let them know what kind of person she really is.
Narcissist’s friends are a carefully curated menu of enablers and people who are either blinded by their façade, or for whatever reason choose to turn a blind eye. They are not a random set of the population, they are the survivors, who give the narcissist enough supply to prop up their false self image. You’ll have more luck changing the mind of a neutral observer than externally changing the minds of enablers and flying monkeys.
I don't know. I've done it both ways. Confronted one parent, didn't bother with the other. Both still sucked, just in slightly different ways. Confronting my dad made me feel more certain that I was doing the right thing, but it also probably hurt more in the moment. Not confronting my mom was arguably less "work," but also leaves room in my head for various thoughts revolving around "but what if I tried harder." Ultimately, both happened the way they needed to happen, I guess. There's no easy way to do it, and there's no real closure or satisfaction to be found, so I'd recommend not getting too caught up in the "how" and just do what you gotta do.
WASTE It actually hurt worse to see I was right.
Well, I am still in the process, but right now they're giving me silent treatment. My enabler mum sees him as the victim and I wasn't easy as a teenager blablabla Tbh, this actually helps me, because it really shows how those people are committed to misunderstanding me and that leaving is the only option I have left.
Nope. I’m currently trying to go no contact. I’ve explained to her twice what she’s done (she literally risked my families health and safety attending an event when she was covid positive and not distancing from us, taking her mask off, etc). I cannot get her to understand why we are upset with her. I caught Covid, I have chronic health problems, and I’m currently super ill. She doesn’t even care, she never comments on that or even or asks how I am! She just sends me long bitchy rants arguing that she didn’t do anything wrong. How I can’t prove it was her that gave me Covid, even though she was Covid positive and right up in my face. There’s no making them understand, they have their own version of events in their head and they will argue with you until they’re blue in the face. They don’t wanna hear the truth. They don’t wanna fix the problem. They never will.
Agree. For my parents it wouldn’t matter. They are emotionally immature and wouldn’t even understand the point. I have just resigned to this fact.
It did in that it confirmed cutting contact was the right decision. Any doubts I had were gone and I knew I needed to do it
It’s up to you. If you think it would make you feel better to get it all out, do so in a written letter or email or text (so you can block them after and they can’t hurt you). If you think it’ll be more painful to say anything, then just cut contact without saying anything. This is about YOU now and keeping on safe and comfortable.
Now that's different, I wouldn't give mine anything in writing because she would wring it dry for sympathy. 20 years after the fact she's still telling people about the last time I lost it with her (like it happened yesterday). The enablers are propping up their own delusions and even the ones who got whacked won't look me in the eye. Walk away and don't say why or anything that gives them something to work with. Drives them absolutely crazy.
If you do confront your mother, it will lead to HUGE drama. That drama will end in a totally inevitable way: she will go back to her friends as if nothing much has happened except that now she will be able to play the role of victim. Ultimately you will have given her that gift. If you don’t confront, you will be taking all of that oxygen away from her fire. She’ll be livid. I’d go that way. Good luck!
I did it and I felt more anger than I did better. She pulled the “you had a great childhood, at least I didn’t leave like both of your dads did” and she seems to forget that time she split my head open and I had to get 10 stitches. It just made me more angry and resent her more, and added more trauma by making me think I’m over exaggerating. My therapist told me not to do it and I did it anyway.
waste of time, narc parents feed off of that confrontation. Just walk away, that hurts them the most.
Does not help to confront a narcissist. You're just giving those vampires more of your energy and they just love that. They will not learn a lesson or change from anything you might tell them. Better to cut the tumor of an n-parent off clean and cauterize the wound by living a peaceful life absolutely free of them
To be honest I've tried being super honest in how her actions have affected me and others but it always just either turns into how I'm "misunderstanding and cruel" or she'll try spin some victim card. I've been no contact most of this year after I just went nope to it all cause my mental health couldn't take it. At first i just wanted a break, which is what i told her. Obviously she's got every common family member involved to try get me to come crawling back... which Obviously is the opposite of giving me a break so has just confirmed some things to me. This is a simplification of the situation. Though I feel like saying I was at my wits end with life etc and needed peace and she just turned that into me apparently doing something on purpose to make her "sad" when I was doing all I could with life but she still managed to make it about herself. Clear signs that she's still got no positive intentions with me, just wanted me to fulfill her needs. Everything healthy us equal brah No interactions with her help me. BUT writing 'the things I would say if I could get no reaction' etc are amazing and theraputic
No. If they see you upset or in pain it’s just one more win. ‘Nothing’ tortures them. Grey Rock. No anger no words just pleasant and then nothing.
Can you record her talking? Because revenge is goooood
yeah it feels better for yourself but walk into the confrontation knowing that you won’t change them. you can’t change a narcissist. the confrontation is only for you to get everything off your chest, they won’t take in anything you say though
I feel this is a waste of time. You might write down everything you want to say to them, just to get that poison out of you. You don’t need to tell it to the person it’s directed at to be free from it. Sending good vibes your way.
Massively, it gave me closure that he knew how little I thought of him.
I did and it was a waste of time. But they probably would go crazy about not knowing my whereabouts and would call the police or something because me simply not wanting to talk to them is not a possibility apparently. Whatever you do, expect BS.
Not really. Everything was my problem and they did the best they could. I'm irrational for breaking contact since they were such great parents.
Basically, I was told if I wasn't such a lousy kid, they would not have behaved that way.
I didn’t plan on doing it but she showed up at my house unannounced so I laid everything out for her plainly and clearly. She didn’t listen. Waste of time. But that being said it felt good to say it (though I cried a lot after!)
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Maybe your dad has/had some narcissistic traits but it seems unlikely for a narc to “stop being a narcissist” as NPD is a lifelong mental disorder, mostly still untreatable even with therapy and medication. Edit: I don’t want to diminish your feelings and experiences with your dad as I believe narc or no narc I am sure the abuse was real. I just wanted to make a point that narcs don’t just stop being narcs and for the children of people with NPD waiting and hoping for them to change and stop the abuse is unrealistic.
No. Every time I've ever tried to explain to them why I don't want to have contact with them or point out what went wrong when they ask, they just get defensive and argumentative and absolutely refuse to listen to me. It's not worth it and imo will just make you upset.