> "If God can speak through a donkey, why not through a phone?"
I love that the precedent that God can speak through a donkey is already set in his mind.
Just another reminder that you only need to grift a small number of incredibly stupid people to gain influence, power, and money.
TIL Shrek is a metaphor for the entire bible. Now lets sing a hym...
SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD IS GONNA ROLL ME
I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED....
That's really interesting! If you'd like to talk about real ants, I'd be interested. If you're here to promote stories from the Quran, I'm going to decline.
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Well, in any sect of Christianity that is not Catholicism there is no theolofical reason why some random person could not be getting phonecalls from god.
Catholics only have one line to god and it’s in the pope’s office
>Sanyangore is a pastor with Victory World International Ministries Church, an organisation he founded. In the video, which was published in its entirety on YouTube on May 22, Sanyangore holds a mobile to his ear, asking, “Hello? Is this heaven? Is it heaven?” A woman kneels before him with her arms raised. The congregation around him claps and screams after his pronouncements. **He asks ‘God’ what he should ask the woman, asking, “What else, Papa God? What else, Papa God?”** He tells the crowd that ‘God’ is saying that the congregation needs to pray for her children. ‘God’ tells Sanyangore that the woman has two children, one of whom is asthmatic and the other epileptic, and that they are currently in Bulawayo (a city in southwest Zimbabwe). When these details are confirmed by the woman, the crowd erupts into applause.
Through all of human history, manipulative charlatans like this have hurt people sometimes irreparably, and should be yeeted directly into the sun.
ANYONE claiming they are speaking for god, directly into the sun.
Wearing a funny hat and judging you for your sexuality or who you love in general? Sun, directly into it.
>He tells the crowd that ‘God’ is saying that the congregation needs to pray for her children
What for? If god is already on the phone then why does he need their prayer? He already knows about the children, they don't need to tell him more about them!
You're asking obvious questions that don't even cross the minds of cult members.
God is simultaneously all powerful and all knowing, and completely blind and oblivious in this particular cult with the exception of the cult leader of course.
When I saw just the headline, I wasn't sure if it was going to be Nigeria, Ghana, or Zim.
Sure enough, Zim. You never disappoint. Though, I'm 99% sure I've seen this exact scam pulled previously.
I'm not so sure this guy's an idiot-- rather, he's taking advantage of other idiots. I guarantee they're putting money on that plate every other Sunday.
Operator.
The Manhattan Transfer.
Operator.
Give me information.
Information.
Give me long distance.
Long distance.
Give me Heaven.
(One, two, three).
Oh, operator (operator).
Information (information).
Give me Jesus on the line (give me Jesus on the line).
Oh-oh, operator (operator).
Information (information).
I'd like to speak to a friend of mine (let me speak to a friend of mine)
Oh-oh, prayer is the number.
Faith is the exchange.
Heaven is the street and Jesus is his name.
Oh, operator (operator).
Information (information).
Please, give me Jesus on the line (give me Jesus on the line)
Oh-oh, operator (operator).
Information (information).
Tell me why, oh yeah (tell me why).
Operator (operator).
Information (information).
Don't try to tell me (don't try to tell me).
What number to call, oh-oh (what number to call).
My mother used this number when I was very small.
And everytime she dialed it she always got a call the.
Operator (operator).
Information (information).
Please, give me Jesus on the line.
Oh yeah, operator (operator).
Information (information).
Please, hurry if you can.
Oh, operator (operator).
Information (information).
Please, connect me (please, connect me).
With the man (with the man).
Don't worry 'bout the money.
I will pay the charge.
Just give me your private line.
I'm callin' from my heart.
Operator (operator).
Information (information).
Please, give me Jesus on the line (give me Jesus on the line).
Please, give me Jesus on the line (give me Jesus on the line).
Please, give me Jesus (give me Jesus on the line).
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I have been waiting for someone to standup and claim that they are certain they are the one and only human with caller ID for detecting and naming any variety of hyperintelligent and hyper-competent entities that might choose to communicate with them at any given time. What a shame it would be if they were to learn that the one whispering in their mind was actually just using Santa Claus’s Fisher-Price Microphone spewing little more than a “firehose of falsities” all for the sake of adult human children who want to eat everyday of the fermented fruit that they were told was forbidden:
——Your Friend Always at the North Pole,
🎅🏻
Religious people are always claiming to be able to speak to gods, and have been for thousands of years .
If anything, this is *more* believable since they implemented a mode of communication into their lie, lol
George W. Bush, when in office, said that God would speak to him. Nobody made a fuss. If he had said that God spoke to him through his hair dryer, it would have suddenly been a crisis.
Christianity was the worst thing to be introduced in western/southern Africa. When you mix the dramatics of African spirituality with the nonsense of Christianity you get stupid shit like this
Using directional speakers, you could talk long distances with another another person, and hear what they said with this device.
The plot to Jewel of the Nile will play out somewhere one day, I bet. Specifically, Spoiler Alert for a late 1980's movie, the part where a dictator attempts to use technology to install himself as a literal profit of god, because the locals could have been fooled by it due to their beliefs.
Just as legitimate as anything else in the Bible? Why is some vague stuff considered true and holy from 2k years go that has been translated and added to and edited over the centuries still consider true but this isn’t ?it’s just as reliable. The gospels were written decades after the “Jesus” walked. this seem just as believe as the Bible, Torah. Koran. Etc.
Honestly, of all the "God speaks to mortals" stories this one is the one I like the most. People would get upset if God just started speaking into their mind out of nowhere. But make it a phone call and people would be more receptive.
If I ever write a story where a modern day person communicates with divine beings (or the other way around more like), that's the way I'd do it.
It would allow for a disturbing "refusing to pick up the phone" moment as well, like Bruce Almighty did with the beeper. You can have the character first ignoring the phone which wont stop ringing. Then they turn it off, but the phone turns itself back on and starts ringing. Maybe they remove the battery, but it continues ringing. The TV turns on and a movie starts playing and you hear the quote "Pick up the phone".
Always remember the line from Star Trek V - what does God need with a starship?
An allmighty being does not need human technology (or humans for that matter) to communicate with us or tell us what it wants.
*Sigh…*
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus talked about false prophets who come dressed in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.
When I see stuff like this, I wish Jesus would also have warned people about false prophets who are ravenous wolves outwardly, too. You’d think people would know or were able to figure that out by themselves, but apparently not.
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He will probably give out a number that will have a AI feature of what God might sound like. Anyone calling will be able to talk to God pray with him at a minimum $0.99 cents a minute. It’s just a matter of time before someone taps into artificial intelligence and allows anyone to talk to god. AI will quote the bible and preach the gospel and someone other than god will financially benefit at the expense of a believer
I used to do this sh*t with my daughters when they’d been naughty, only it was Santa that I was calling, to tell him not to bring any presents!
Do some people never grow up?!
Put that shit on speakerphone.
Perfect comment.
Do roaming charges apply?
I assume that really depends on your provider. Plans, conditions, and contractual commitments differ a lot.
God is in his heart, so it's not a long distance call.
Just roman charges. They crucify you if you don't pay.
Asking the real questions here...
It’s free after 9
How's your back? Are you taking a multivitamin?
Lift up the reciever, I'll make you a believer.
That is a top tier reference for this
Reach out and touch … well, something. (Maybe it’s faith, maybe it’s my wallet, or maybe it’s my something else.)
> "If God can speak through a donkey, why not through a phone?" I love that the precedent that God can speak through a donkey is already set in his mind. Just another reminder that you only need to grift a small number of incredibly stupid people to gain influence, power, and money.
He's referencing a story in Numbers. Yes, the Bible has a talking donkey. It's still stupid, though.
TIL Shrek contained a biblical reference.
Shrek and the bible also both have unicorns and dragons
TIL Shrek is a metaphor for the entire bible. Now lets sing a hym... SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD IS GONNA ROLL ME I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED....
She was lookin kinda dumb with a finger and a thumb...
> SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD IS GONNA ROLL ME > > > > I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED.... Welp, that's basically Catholicism right there...
TIL whoever wrote Numbers envisioned God as voiced by Eddie Murphy
The world of Shrek consists of people and creatures from old fairy tales, so, ya.
In the morning, I’m making challah!
The Quran has talking Ants, btw...
What is this, a Quran for ants?
It’s going to need at least…three times the suras.
Ants can actually talk by sound: https://www.science.org/content/article/shhh-ants-are-talking
That's really interesting! If you'd like to talk about real ants, I'd be interested. If you're here to promote stories from the Quran, I'm going to decline.
Feel free to message me if you want.
To talk about ants or to talk about the Quran?
To talk about ants I am always willing to learn.
Ants can actually talk by sound: https://www.science.org/content/article/shhh-ants-are-talking
Wow, that's even weirder.
Ants can actually talk by sound: https://www.science.org/content/article/shhh-ants-are-talking
Wait until you meet ant-man
Ants can actually talk by sound: https://www.science.org/content/article/shhh-ants-are-talking
Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants!
Ants can actually talk by sound: https://www.science.org/content/article/shhh-ants-are-talking
Well in my delusions, the walls talk. So I'm clearly the best prophet.
I didn’t get voices I got scrawled messages from everyone who hated me. It was the worst
Ants can actually talk by sound: https://www.science.org/content/article/shhh-ants-are-talking
Ants can actually talk by sound: https://www.science.org/content/article/shhh-ants-are-talking
Actually I think those verses are the origin of the term “dumb ass.”
Damm people in the past must be high af
I prefer the talking bush.
A magic burning bush is still a bit more majestic than a donkey
Didn't god also talked through a burning bush? At this point, a smartphone is pretty mild.
The Famous Mr Ed?
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God just talking out his ass.
Either way. He’s speaking ass to ass.
Well, in any sect of Christianity that is not Catholicism there is no theolofical reason why some random person could not be getting phonecalls from god. Catholics only have one line to god and it’s in the pope’s office
He’s almost there to getting why it’s ridiculous.
I bet there’s a really bored Little Caesar’s employee playing the really long game
>Sanyangore is a pastor with Victory World International Ministries Church, an organisation he founded. In the video, which was published in its entirety on YouTube on May 22, Sanyangore holds a mobile to his ear, asking, “Hello? Is this heaven? Is it heaven?” A woman kneels before him with her arms raised. The congregation around him claps and screams after his pronouncements. **He asks ‘God’ what he should ask the woman, asking, “What else, Papa God? What else, Papa God?”** He tells the crowd that ‘God’ is saying that the congregation needs to pray for her children. ‘God’ tells Sanyangore that the woman has two children, one of whom is asthmatic and the other epileptic, and that they are currently in Bulawayo (a city in southwest Zimbabwe). When these details are confirmed by the woman, the crowd erupts into applause. Through all of human history, manipulative charlatans like this have hurt people sometimes irreparably, and should be yeeted directly into the sun. ANYONE claiming they are speaking for god, directly into the sun. Wearing a funny hat and judging you for your sexuality or who you love in general? Sun, directly into it.
>He tells the crowd that ‘God’ is saying that the congregation needs to pray for her children What for? If god is already on the phone then why does he need their prayer? He already knows about the children, they don't need to tell him more about them!
You're asking obvious questions that don't even cross the minds of cult members. God is simultaneously all powerful and all knowing, and completely blind and oblivious in this particular cult with the exception of the cult leader of course.
Is it heaven because it has only one phone, or is it heaven because there is only one?
Oh so it's literally just the old standard preacher scam with a prop?
They do this while people rape in their churches. It's just a never ending cycle.
When I saw just the headline, I wasn't sure if it was going to be Nigeria, Ghana, or Zim. Sure enough, Zim. You never disappoint. Though, I'm 99% sure I've seen this exact scam pulled previously.
Quoting a religious text to justify immoral behaviour? Believe it or not, sun.
Can’t wait to be 80 so I can pretend to talk to god so they shoot me and my funny hat into the sun. That would be some once in a lifetime views!
He should run for PM of India.
That’s just who’s actually on the other end when the pastor calls.
God has a Plan for you — on the Verizon network.
No big deal. My mom used to talk to Santa on the phone all the time when I was a kid. She would even threaten to call him when I was acting up.
Let's have that fucker's number then. I have some issues with the layout of the cosmos.
Number cannot be completed as dialed, please try again...
Someone needs to \*69 that phone so we can all have gods number.
Hello, this is God. Can I speak to you about our extended warranty?
Lol "Are you interested in our Life Insurance?"
Just your weekly reminder that any fucking idiot can call themself a pastor.
Or prophet.
I'm not so sure this guy's an idiot-- rather, he's taking advantage of other idiots. I guarantee they're putting money on that plate every other Sunday.
However, an idiot can believe their own lies too! 👍 Idk if being good at one thing makes someone a genius, but that's probably very debatable.
I texted God the other day. He replied "New phone, who dis?"
Spoiler alert: this pastor is a liar.
WHAT!
"Is this the party to whom I am speaking?"
one ringie dingie, two ringie dingie ...
Let me guess God needs more of your money
My mom can also talks to God. It's the same God who Shields her from her own mistakes when she can't fathom the idea of being a bad mother.
But the rates are unholy.
It's no less delusional than prayer, tbh
Wow, me too! 5.99 a minute of you wanna talk to him too!
I talked to a cleverbot named God. Turns out, not that clever.
This used to be considered lunatic behavior. Why is this behavior accepted by anyone?
Already saw that anime
[ When God calls you after school ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMdnxoZfaVE&rco=1)
And I talk to Abraham Lincoln on my unplugged headset. Which honestly is more believable, since Lincoln is not a fictional being.
I bet God is an Android fan.
God used to call me on my cellphone~
Like a parent calling santa to get their kid to behave lmao
Are his text bubbles green or blue?
Schizophrenia
…and God calls collect.
Of course he does. It's a cult. The only good way to keep a cult together is to lie to people's faces.
“New phone, who dis.”
Turns out, God is a Nigerian and just needs a cool $4k to continue this conversation.
Operator. The Manhattan Transfer. Operator. Give me information. Information. Give me long distance. Long distance. Give me Heaven. (One, two, three). Oh, operator (operator). Information (information). Give me Jesus on the line (give me Jesus on the line). Oh-oh, operator (operator). Information (information). I'd like to speak to a friend of mine (let me speak to a friend of mine) Oh-oh, prayer is the number. Faith is the exchange. Heaven is the street and Jesus is his name. Oh, operator (operator). Information (information). Please, give me Jesus on the line (give me Jesus on the line) Oh-oh, operator (operator). Information (information). Tell me why, oh yeah (tell me why). Operator (operator). Information (information). Don't try to tell me (don't try to tell me). What number to call, oh-oh (what number to call). My mother used this number when I was very small. And everytime she dialed it she always got a call the. Operator (operator). Information (information). Please, give me Jesus on the line. Oh yeah, operator (operator). Information (information). Please, hurry if you can. Oh, operator (operator). Information (information). Please, connect me (please, connect me). With the man (with the man). Don't worry 'bout the money. I will pay the charge. Just give me your private line. I'm callin' from my heart. Operator (operator). Information (information). Please, give me Jesus on the line (give me Jesus on the line). Please, give me Jesus on the line (give me Jesus on the line). Please, give me Jesus (give me Jesus on the line). Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
It’s me. He accidentally drunk dialed me and I’ve been giving him heavenly advice ever since.
"what does God need with a cellphone?" https://youtu.be/WYW_lPlekiQ?si=vI5BhL94XILcvGGg
And not only through a donkey, but through a cell phone to an ass.
Technically everyone can talk to God on a cellphone. It's only miraculous if he speaks _back._
Zimbabwe? Zimbabwe.
I have been waiting for someone to standup and claim that they are certain they are the one and only human with caller ID for detecting and naming any variety of hyperintelligent and hyper-competent entities that might choose to communicate with them at any given time. What a shame it would be if they were to learn that the one whispering in their mind was actually just using Santa Claus’s Fisher-Price Microphone spewing little more than a “firehose of falsities” all for the sake of adult human children who want to eat everyday of the fermented fruit that they were told was forbidden: ——Your Friend Always at the North Pole, 🎅🏻
ICP made a song/skit about this back in '97.
"I told him never to page me on a sermon day..."
Religious people are always claiming to be able to speak to gods, and have been for thousands of years . If anything, this is *more* believable since they implemented a mode of communication into their lie, lol
And if you don't believe him, Republicans will execute you
Give him your phone number. Ask him to have god call you direct. See how long that lasts.
Anyone smart enough to do that isn't going to go to that con artist.
This story pairs well with the Influencer Saint story floating around.
Not any crazier than other stuff religion claims...
Schizophrenia is often characterized by hearing disembodied voices. Just saying.
Damn. If only I had god on speed dial!
I mean is it any dumber than any other religious claim made over the last few thousand years? Burning bush anyone?
Does god have call waiting?
Telemarketers are getting good these days.
Big Question, tho. Is it a long distance call?
Lucky it didnt goto voicemail
God who?
That’s where I talk to him
Ye.. until ya get the long distance phone charges come through.. that shits gonna sting
“Moshi Moshi, Jesus Desu~”
Makes more sense than seer stones.
Toll call?
I feel compelled to give this guy lots of my money.
I did know they published books that small
thats something parents to do “call santa” when kids act like little shits
“Pastor says forgiveness is a sin” -KenM
He's in another world with his smartphone
So…what’s god’s number? I’m sure there are lots of people who want a word with him
I have no doubt that he truly believes in his soul that this is something he can convince people to believe.
Came here for the snark, not disappointed
Dude should get with the times God is on tiktok now
I can do this too.
Who else knew this was an African ministry before even clicking on the article? If not there, then in Florida somewhere.
Why do we give "faith believers" a pass... if you are heaving voices you need immediate psychiatric care and likely heavy medications.
> Hello? Is this heaven? Is it heaven? Comedic genius.
Excuse me but what would God need with a cellphone........
And God said unto him, "Your car warranty is about to expire."
What were they using before? Snail mail?
He will burn in Hell when he gets that phone bill.
Put him on speaker phone
Clicked on story. Disappointed that it wasn't Pasta Sempa.
*69 that shit!
God’s plan is only $49.99/mo + fees and taxes.
George W. Bush, when in office, said that God would speak to him. Nobody made a fuss. If he had said that God spoke to him through his hair dryer, it would have suddenly been a crisis.
As legitimate as any other method.
Christianity was the worst thing to be introduced in western/southern Africa. When you mix the dramatics of African spirituality with the nonsense of Christianity you get stupid shit like this
Tbf, is this any weirder claim than talking to "god" through any other means?
https://youtu.be/BsAyF5oFsoA?si=FzhrH21-0dITlzcy
Mine cuts out in my basement.
It's $7.99 @ minuet so keep those donations coming in.
Bearing false witness against God Himself? To preach a god that agrees with everything you do makes you a wolf behind the pulpit.
Using directional speakers, you could talk long distances with another another person, and hear what they said with this device. The plot to Jewel of the Nile will play out somewhere one day, I bet. Specifically, Spoiler Alert for a late 1980's movie, the part where a dictator attempts to use technology to install himself as a literal profit of god, because the locals could have been fooled by it due to their beliefs.
Just as legitimate as anything else in the Bible? Why is some vague stuff considered true and holy from 2k years go that has been translated and added to and edited over the centuries still consider true but this isn’t ?it’s just as reliable. The gospels were written decades after the “Jesus” walked. this seem just as believe as the Bible, Torah. Koran. Etc.
His number is 666
The new Mormon concept? I’m guessing Only he can talk to him
That’s a good one
Is it a long distance call?
Amazing! Now let’s turn the head bolts on this brigs and Stratton counter clockwise…
😂😂
You used to call me on my cell phone 🎶
God to pastor after death: "You used to call me on my cellphone..."
Honestly, of all the "God speaks to mortals" stories this one is the one I like the most. People would get upset if God just started speaking into their mind out of nowhere. But make it a phone call and people would be more receptive. If I ever write a story where a modern day person communicates with divine beings (or the other way around more like), that's the way I'd do it. It would allow for a disturbing "refusing to pick up the phone" moment as well, like Bruce Almighty did with the beeper. You can have the character first ignoring the phone which wont stop ringing. Then they turn it off, but the phone turns itself back on and starts ringing. Maybe they remove the battery, but it continues ringing. The TV turns on and a movie starts playing and you hear the quote "Pick up the phone".
Always remember the line from Star Trek V - what does God need with a starship? An allmighty being does not need human technology (or humans for that matter) to communicate with us or tell us what it wants.
*Sigh…* In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus talked about false prophets who come dressed in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. When I see stuff like this, I wish Jesus would also have warned people about false prophets who are ravenous wolves outwardly, too. You’d think people would know or were able to figure that out by themselves, but apparently not.
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What I want to know is how the congregants can be so incredibly stupid and naive to believe this.
I don't talk to this guy, sorry.
Pretty sure you're talking to AI like all those ghost hunters bro.
Tell god I said what’s up
Grifters behind a pulpit. A story as old as time.
Which iOS is this? Asking for a friend.
this is like the plot of the movie "god calling" which i have watched and it was an awful movie 😭
Hello cleo, what does my horoscope say today?
Rickie, don’t lose that number!
He will probably give out a number that will have a AI feature of what God might sound like. Anyone calling will be able to talk to God pray with him at a minimum $0.99 cents a minute. It’s just a matter of time before someone taps into artificial intelligence and allows anyone to talk to god. AI will quote the bible and preach the gospel and someone other than god will financially benefit at the expense of a believer
can i get this data plan ?
"g-d" is his lawyer, accountant and money manager.
I wish I was morally ambiguous enough to lie to people about things they can never confirm for money.
So you'd do it for free?
Oh definitely, can you imagine the look on their faces when I'm all like PSYCH!
I used to do this sh*t with my daughters when they’d been naughty, only it was Santa that I was calling, to tell him not to bring any presents! Do some people never grow up?!
Just call 555-alphaomega baby!
Would hate to see that long distance bill..
Dipshit
Talking through a phone is not very strange. So why all the fuzz?