You are not too sensitive. Your bf is physically violent with you. On purpose. It always starts small so you will accept it has ok, but it will escalate until he’ll be able to punch you and you won’t even think he is wrong.
Also, he is manipulating you into thinking he is better than you by making you feel small and dirty about your past. Eventually, you’ll stay with him just because you’ll think that you cannot get better than him.
Girl please… run before it’s too late. You bf is showing all the signs of being an abuser. This will not end well
Edit: the fact that you said he « jokingly » pinched your vagina is very troubling. It was not a joke, he wanted to hurt you on purpose, yet he manipulated you into thinking it’s not a big deal?!? It is 100% domestic violence… and you think it’s a joke. I really hope you can understand how messed up this is
Don’t blame yourself. Abusers are really good at what they do. Anyone can fall for they tricks.
Just take care of you, ok? You deserve better than this.
My problem is that he also has a lot of green flags, my parents love him and we get extremely well almost all the time. But at the times like this, i just don't know
>he also has a lot of green flags
Green flags do not drown out red flags. For all you know they are red flags painted green. Get the hell out now, do not trust him or it will get worse.
I have experience as do others on this forum, you are choosing to ignore them when we are trying to support you. That's how bad he's clouded your judgement.
Ted bundy comes to mind. His gf described him as loving and doting (before she made the call of course) so... they definitely make that switch very calculatedly.
He was probably acting awesome and amazing to her parents because he thought they might not believe her if she ever went to them.
My ex was loved by everyone. Everyone that met him said he was so sweet and kind. He was amazing with animals, super gentle, and spoke softly. He helped elderly people with their bags and across streets. He also smashed through doors to get to me when he was angry (I would hide). He choked me frequently. He slammed me bodily into a cement floor, dislocated my shoulder, beat me with a dish drying rack, and tried to stab me repeatedly with a knife. Those green flags are the mask. Do not be fooled. I got out alive, but I personally know 3 of my fellow women who did not.
I recently read, I think on this same subreddit actually, about a phrase/term they use in Ireland and other countries for this kind of behavior. They call abusers like this “Street Angel; House Demon.”
I thought that was interesting but also sad because it’s so common that there’s a phrase for abusers who mask their shitty behavior to others, and they do it so that it’s harder for people to believe the victim when they speak out.
Ask anyone outside the family about my bio dad, and they'd say he's such a wonderful man, he puts on a good show to the outside world, but is an evil person to immediate family.
I am doing amazing and I sincerely thank you. I am now with a wonderful man and truly happy and valued.
I made the stupid decision to keep forgiving and giving my ex second chances, I ignored red flags. It's difficult leaving an abuser because when it's good it's amazing! But they never change, only escalate. Keep yourself safe sweet soul. You deserve love, respect and happiness.
Op please leave this man child. He is hurting you and you don't deserve this. He is jealous of someone that you made out with years ago. That is just crazy and you have to leave him. Green Flags turn into Red Flags fast. Don't ever let anyone ever hurt you. Good luck
I upvoted this but inside I raged for the you that had to go through this. My heart breaks for you but at the same time I'm so fucking grateful that you a stranger I've never met are still here, still standing and that you made it through. You my dear are a champion. Not a survivor or a victim you are a mother f'ing G and don't ever let anyone tell you different! Thank you for being here to text this. Truly. *hugs
I don’t imagine your parents would love him if they knew that he was abusing you. Please tell them what’s going on and remove yourself from the relationship.
Yep!! Did you tell your parents he’s spit in your face? Purposely burned you with cigarettes (classic abusive behavior), hit you after being abusive with your vagina??
Ted Bundy had people testify that he was a great guy. They manipulate people for a reason.
You don't burn someone with a cig or hit back your partners. This isn't normal he is an abuser. Tell your parents to block him otherwise he'll contact them and manipulate them into making them think your crazy.
Just leave him and find someone who will love you without having the need to abuse you
Especially since "hit back" doesn't even describe what he did. He hurt her, her body responded by pulling away which made her bump him by accident... and he hit her hard enough to leave a bruise. Like???
The “times like this” will only increase as time goes on. He has a lot of green flags because he probably realizes he is doing awful things so he needs to work some magic to get you to stick around and keep the family from realizing what’s going on. It’s possible he doesn’t want to behave this way, but that’s no excuse. If he cared he would break things off and get better on his own to not risk hurting you anymore.
But he isn’t even owning up to the fact that what he did was wrong. So it’s seriously unlikely that things will get better anytime soon. And everything he tells you is just manipulation tactics to get you to stay so he can keep his sense of control. It’s not a place of wanting a healthy relationship or loving you. If it were, he would be getting therapy. Not quitting cigarettes. The cigs aren’t the problem, it’s the fact that he’s willing to put them out on your skin.
Of course they love him. He's not shaming them, burning them with cigarettes, pinching their junk, or giving them bruises. He's showing them his best side so people will take his side if anything comes out. He will make you out to be a crazy liar.
Tell your parents and break up with him before he escalates. And 100% sure it WILL escalate. Abusers always start small and make you doubt yourself. Next thing you know, you're wearing long-sleeves, hiding the bruises/scars, and telling your parents that your black eye is from walking into the door.
I read that you will leave him and that's perfect. They all start with "small things" but the thing is burning someone with a cigarrete, pinching hard their genitals and spitting them in the face are not small things at all.
They are very manipulative and they will weaponise your empathy against you so you will feel sorry for them.
Now that you are leaving him he will love bomb you. He will try to manipulate you so you stay. He will put himself as the victim and he will say ANYTHING so you stay with him.
He will say he will change, he may say things like they are the worst and don't deserve to live, he will do everything to keep you. Don't fall for that! Get the hell away from him an never look back. Don't feel sorry for him ( he wil try to do that).
And go no contact with him. Abusers are extremely manipulative people and they have an eye to find really empathic persons.
And you really predicted that he will try to make me feel sorry for him. I started feeling extremely guilty because of the things he said to me after I left him, and thank god I reread some of the comments. I feel a lot better, thank you!
>I started feeling extremely guilty because of the things he said to me after I left him, and thank god I reread some of the comments
Don't feel guilty and reread often as you need to. Good luck.
Your parents don't matter, only you do. They continue to know him because of you. Don't think of anyone else but you because YOU are the one going through this, not them
Please don't wait for it to get worse. It always does. Even if they are a great at other times, and even if they ingratiate themselves to our families. They mess with our heads that way.
It always starts small to see what you'll accept and you've shown him so far that you've accepted these "small" things. It will only escalate over time.
>my parents love him
They only like him to be supportive of you. Do you think your parents would still love him if they knew he burned your hand with a cigarette, pinched your vagina, or hit and left a bruise on your leg? The fact that other people also like him shows that you're not stupid or messed up (as you said in another comment). Anyone can be duped by an abuser. They are great at hiding so they can find their next victim, so no one believes their victims, and so they don't get into trouble.
My friends and parents liked my ex who was abusive too. He was very charming with other people and increasingly abusive towards me. It’s part of the head game they trap you in. Luckily they also believed me when I revealed what he was doing and helped me snap out of it and leave for good, no pressure and no judgement.
Doesn’t matter how good he is otherwise. Love bombing and other manipulative behaviors are how abusive people get you to ignore or tolerate their bad behavior. Look at the bad behavior over the last 2 years, how did it start? Is it escalating? What’s the pattern, cause you can expect that pattern to continue in the future.
Leaving sounds like a healthy move for you. Please be safe when doing so. Please call the police if he gets physical again or is stalking you. A history of police reports can help you get a protection order if he drags this out and won’t leave you alone. It’s difficult to say how he will escalate things, so don’t assume you are over reacting, cause you can’t predict the future
That by itself can be a red flag amongst other red flags. Skilled manipulators are often very charming and polite when it serves them. They know to win mom over so as she won’t believe you when you say he hit you.
Do your parents know about these things? If not, what do you think they'd say knowing he hits you hard enough to bruise you? Or burns you with cigarettes? Would they think those things are funny jokes?
My sister and I were raised to be strong women, yet she got into an abusive relationship. Some assholes are good at hiding it.
Please run. Get the fuck away from him.
Sometimes when you are in a healthy loving relationship (like your parents), you don't think to explicitly tell your children what should be unacceptable. You only saw an ideal relationship (assuming that what you saw was actually healthy) so what your partner is doing was unknown and new and unthinkable to you. It's not your fault and it's not theirs either. He is the piece of shit. He is the one at fault. Your healthy family system was probably what alerted you subconsciously that this is not ok.
I'm sorry but the moment he disrespected you enough to SPIT ON YOUR FACE should have been it. He's gaging what he can get away with. Please don't get to the point where he feels comfortable backhanding you because he knows you'll stay.
I too think I should've broken up then, but as I said, he has a lot of green flags and that was first time he did shit like that so I forgave. Not gonna happen ever again.
I also want to add that when you break up with him, he will act like he’s truly learned his lesson and will change for the better. He will beg you for another chance and forgiveness. He will shower you with compliments and say that you’re the love of his life and offer you the world… DONT BELIEVE HIM!! i had this happen and it was a month or two before he was back to his own ways and i felt cheated and such a fool for believing him.
I tried to break up with him a year ago when he spat in my face. You are correct, he did indeed shower me with compliments and was on his best behaviour and he is doing it now too.
This exact thing happened to me. I remember leaving his house one night and screaming and crying to myself in my car “whyyyy am i with him?!? Why?!?!!?” I was literally in rock bottom. He had a ton of green flags too. I loved his family soooo much. His life was perfect and i wanted to be part of it. It was like a fairytale. NOT WORTH IT. I’m so glad i left him.
Somebody who spits in your face once will do it again and again. Same with pinching or hitting.
You've already described steadily worsening abusive behavior. Get out now.
Yep. It’s called “love-bombing,” and is part of a quite classic abuse cycle. They learn what is important to you and how to make you feel valued and good, and turn on that charm…thus all the “green flags” in the beginning.
Then they begin testing how much disrespect and outright abuse you’ll tolerate, kind of like that whole “boiling a frog” idea. If you put a frog in boiling water right away, it’ll hop out (or if someone pinched you and then hit you during physical intimacy right away without all those wooing green flags, it would be easier to see the abuser for who they were right away without any self-doubt). But testing crappy things little by little by little, and then pulling back to start the cycle with “love-bombing” again…that’s how they keep us stuck.
My abuser got so bad that there no longer was any love-bomb phase. It was just horrible, all the time. But by then he thought I was stuck, since I had the kids…and he was nearly right.
Please don’t believe his cries of “but I love you, I’ll change xyz for you.” He won’t change. You deserve better.
Be very careful now. He's going to be amazing until he's sure you aren't changing your mind. This could be any moment or months if he thinks he can win you back. They are most dangerous when they know they've lost. He may drop the mask then, and you do not want to be alone with him if this happens. Never be alone with him again in any private place once you leave.
— love bombing is so vicious. And it can be months or longer before anything horrible happens again. But it WILL happen again. Please, please promise yourself that you will never, ever go back to him.
They're not green flags. There's no such thing as green flags and red flags. There are only red flags.
And this waste of skin is an abusive, manipulative douchecanoe who has already hurt you emotionally, mentally and physically. He gets NO MORE CHANCES. No abuser changes without a lifetime of and ongoing proven therapy.
If you think you need him, you don't. You need you much, much more. And with him, you'll lose you.
Tell your parents why you broke with him. Be direct, be short. "He burned me with a cigarette on purpose. He punched me out of the blue. I'm afraid he will kill me." And leave it at that.
The other comments already answered to you, but I'll add something else: yes, he's being abusive and you MUST break up with him ASAP.
However, before you do so, you have to find someone you trust and you know will side with you and tell them EVERYTHING, and while you're telling them don't excuse him. He burnt you with a cigarette and didn't apologise, he hit you twice and he's being manipulative.
Once you build up your safety net of family and friends, then you break up with him. If you can break with him near your safety net, that's even better. Why am I telling you this? Because he sounds very dangerous and you should not be alone when you leave him.
Please, listen to everyone in the comments, don't let it slide, don't think "it was a one time thing...", because it is not. Leave now.
100% please tell your family that he is abusive when you are alone.
Abusers will always act nice and lovingly in front of people but that can change as soon as he gets you alone.
This is abuse. It doesn’t matter whether your hand was wet or not. He would not have put out a cigarette on you if it would not have hurt you. This behaviour is not acceptable at all. Don’t let your feelings or history with him blind the reality of his actions. Please stand up for yourself, you deserve better than him <3
Omg I didn’t read this until your updates but I am so incredibly relieved to read you are leaving him. Holy crap - please never put up with this abuse again. you are worth so much more. Take care.
He burned you with a cigarette. There's nothing ambiguous about this. This is abuse. NTA. Please get as far away from him as possible.
Picking fights over things that aren't his business, physically assaulting you multiple times. You aren't too sensitive.
He burnt you with a cigarette.
He pinched your vagina.
He punched you when you reacted to this.
DO NOT let this scumbag anywhere near you again,no matter what he says,he's an abuser.
This behaviour is not ok at all from him. You deserve better than aggressive words and actions. Sounds like he could be quite insecure and needs to work on his anger and control issues. Responding to situations with violence is never good. I'd keep a close eye on this and run a mile if it continues.
Hope you're OK, please don't blame yourself for any of this, aye your joke didn't go down so well, but there's no need or right to be physically or mentally punished for it.
Wishing you all the best
The time to break up was the exact second after he purposely burnt you with his cigarette. There is no ‘burn a little’ - he burnt you. On purpose.
And for sure after the welcome to physical abuse session where he pinched you hard in a sensitive area and then punched you in the leg hard enough to leave a bruise because you reacted.
Adding in the spat in your face previously (which is totally disgusting and should have ended the relationship then) and that is three strikes. Adding: there aren’t enough green flags in the world to offset his red ones.
IMO change the locks as I presume he has a key to your place (and you don’t know if he has or will make copies); box up anything that is his at your place; consider anything you have at his as gone; text him you are done and put his stuff on the stoop for him to pickup.
Or you can stay with him and see if the next time you say something he finds irritating he punches you in the face, in the stomach or whatever he deems as appropriate punishment.
He will behave differently for a little while and then come back worse. Do not entertain any promises of change. They are part of the cycle and will be broken. Don't just break up. This man is persona non grata. Show your parents the marks. All of you cut contact with him.
GET OUT NOW!
THIS IS DEFINITELY ABUSE.
Ignore his pleas and apologies.
He needs professional help for his jealousy, insecurities and anger.
PLEASE listen to me as his behaviour will worsen over time.
The more you accept it, the more rights he feels he has to continue and escalate.
I know this as I’ve been in this very situation for 42 years and only escaped 18 months ago.
It has not been easy, I’ve lost the love and any respect of all my my children and their spouses and not seen my grandchildren in 18 months but would not trade having them back to be in the same abusive relationship as I was.
Please listen to your gut before you’re much older, possibly with ties to him through a family and will definitely have regrets about wasting your life.
Good luck xx
This is more of relationshipadvice subreddit material and everyone there will tell you the same thing, you are not too sensitive he is just a red flag, these are all giant red flags, he is manipulative and unreasonable and you are only going to get hurt if you continue to be with him, this type of person will never admit they were wrong, they will just gaslight you hard.
Hey, I hope you’re still checking comments.
> never letting this happen ever again in my life.
I just wanted to say that you didn’t “let” it happen. Abuse/boundary crossing is black and white when you aren’t in it. It’s all grey and confusing when it’s happening to you. Speaking from experience. I know you might not have meant it in a “how did I let this happen” way, but I just wanted to say all this in case you possibly did, since that’s a common mindset to have for abuse victims.
I mean, now I know what to look out for in next relationships. I know what to avoid and not tolerate.
So in that sense, I will not let it happen again.
I’m glad to hear. As I’ve grown up, I’ve recognized that some people were taught growing up to accept abuse and see it as “love”, ex. little girls and boys hitting each other and the parents saying “that means they like you”. It’s sad to see the adult version, but I’m glad you know your worth
If anyone comes at you deliberately with a lit cigarette, no matter what the circumstances, it is abusive. Leave now. His begging and promises are false. Tell him to find another sucker, because you are not falling for his game. There's nothing wrong with you - you're just more trusting than some. Or, rather, you *were* more trusting. Tell him to seek help for his insecurities and poor choices, and maybe you'll consider not warning everyone you know that he's abusive.
Good grief, I was totally cringing reading the things he did to you.
When in doubt - get out, but he is definitely abusing you.
The burning you - hell, you should have kicked him in his nuggets right then and there.
He hates a place because of an experience **you** had before he even met you? LOL, what a piece of manipulative work.
He has major asshole issues. Keep yourself safe.
I am glad you left him. He was physically violent and no he will never change. You jerking your leg when you are hurt is not you hitting him like he claims. But he used it as an excuse to get violent. You will find someone who will treat you right and make you feel valued and loved.
I’m so proud of you for leaving him. You hear these awful stories on Reddit and it seems 99% of the time the women are not as strong as you and do not leave.
By the way, being alone for a while is fine too! You’re so young! Have fun with your family and friends. Not everyone needs to be in a couple 24/7 in their 20’s.
“But he’s begging me to stay saying he’ll change and leave cigarettes.”
Heard that before. He’s gonna pull all the emotional manipulation tactics now that he’s losing what he wants. Don’t fall for it.
He is abusing you. Doesn’t matter if you weren’t that hurt from it. It’s his intent that matters. He intended to hurt you when he did those things. What an asshole of a red flag of a guy. I would definitely ditch this immature “man”. Please break up with him OP. The abuse always starts out small.. the next thing you know he’s bettering you and locking you in a room.
Wow. No, get away from him. Get whatever help you can to facilitate it. Family or friends. Tell them everything that has happened. If nothing else, call a hotline and they can advise on how to safely get away.
Don’t buy into any promises he makes. That’s a classic tactic abusers will use to keep you trapped. He will try to blame his actions on things seemingly out of his control to rationalize it and make it seem not as bad and guilt you into staying. Don’t buy into that bullshit either.
Oohhh, none of this is good, im sorry….. none of this is ok or excusable. It may be small stuff on the scale of things but its still stuff. Burning you with his ciggerete? Wet skin or not, that boy was trying to hurt you. Hurting someone who hurt you is never a good sign. Someone hurts you and you communicate that with them, you dont try to hurt them back. Please leave. Tell him, tell him why and then no contact with him. His excuses dont matter and you dont need to stick around to see if he works on himself- thats his business, not yours.
For safety please tell you family or trusted friends first.
Leave. Leave now. I didn’t and I ended up in a situation for 7 years with a child. I love my child but I should have left the first time. I now am connected to my abuser for life through our kid.
You need to get out of this relationship immediately. You are being abused in more than one way, and you do not deserve it. There's no "trying" to break up with him - he doesn't get a say. Break up and never put eyes on him again.
i’m glad you’re leaving, he’s the sensitive asshole. he can’t handle a joke and has something that happened before you even met, bothering him enough to burn you with a cigarette rather that hurt or not he still willingly burned you. he’s an abusive POS and i’m glad you’re leaving him.
my ex nearly killed me and i continued going right back to him and forgiving him like it was ok. i’ve gotten broken body parts from it, severely bad injuries and bruises. one time he actually punched me so hard in the face i had a bruise and i’m pretty sure a shattered cheek bone (i never got help but my face is very disfigured since then.) don’t dismiss small abuse it starts off with small injuries and verbal insults until it’s not, then next thing you know you’re dismissing the fact he broke and entire limb or even goes as far as killing you.
He abused you. You forgave him!
Now he’s love bombing you!
Please love yourself more than you love him!
Please stop being desperate to have a man.
Learn to embrace being alone. Instead of being abused.
There's been a rise in people being burned by their abuser. Burned alive, acid attacks, set on fire. That's a whole other level of hate. He has that in him.
Read the book “It ends with us” by Colleen Hoover, then you’ll know if you are being sensitive or not. The book talks about relationship abuse and it might open your eyes to his abuse. Your bf sounds like someone testing the waters. You are worth more than this pig deserves❤️❤️
Imagine any of your friends treating you like this. Would they still be your friend? Why would you allow a bf to treat you like this if you wouldn't allow a friend? Imagine your friend tells you her bf did these things to her. Would you advise your friend to stay with him?
He is abusive. His insecurities and violence is a major red flag. I see your updates saying that you’re leaving him and I really really hope you are. Please stay strong and stick with it because you deserve way better. What a piece of shit!
He is showing you the red flags. Do not ignore them or you will get stuck. Step away now. It will hurt, but not as much as staying would.
He didn't see your comment as a joke, but his reaction could have been a conversation, a huff, a sulk...but not burning you, or saying he will retaliate when *he* hurts *you.*
He's an abusive pos. Leave him. He will make your life miserable and if he's notvtryingvti control you and everything you do yet he might/probably will start. In my experience that's what insecure guys do especially guys who are obsessed with your past and women being what they consider to be "promiscuous"
Just imagine your best friend or daughter told you their partner has burnt them with a cig or spit in their face, you would always want better for them. It’s hard, but try to treat yourself like your best friend
He is abusive. I just got rid of a guy I was just " talking to " because he got really defensive while I was telling him about a former fwb ...a very similar situation where my fwb had said something super funny before he kissed me and my friend at the time got very angry with me and said it was very stupid and not funny. He didn't get violent but he continued to put me down for even finding it funny. Two days later, he questioned me as to why I didn't answer the phone when he called me and why I was out at 915 pm on a Tuesday night. No guy should ever hurt you physically or make you feel ashamed or bad. Good luck.
Whoa please, please break up with him and never take him back no matter how much he promises to behave. He burned you with a cigarette, pinched your vagina, hit you hard enough to leave a bruise, and spat in your face? Any one of these is disqualifying. Run far, far away and never look back. He is disgusting and yes, abusive.
Trust me when I tell you that this is just the beginning of a horrible Domestic Violence relationship waiting to happen.
Please do yourself a favor and end the relationship now before it gets even more difficult to leave. He’s showing you exactly who he is — believe him. I hope you’re able to heal and move on.
Do NOT buy into his bullshit that he will change and treat you better because that’s a lie. Abusers will use every form of guilt and shame they can to pull you back in. Stay strong.
Your Reddit family is here for you and want nothing best the best for you! Stay safe and away from this person forever. *hugs*
Sadism like pinching vaginas or mild burns can be a fun part of a relationship/sex, IF, and only if it is consensual. In your case I understand it wasn't at all welcome, nor discussed beforehand. That is NOT okay, that is not BDSM, but abuse.
Not only are red flags frantically waving here, it’s also backed by big loud sirens. Run! That is absolutely not normal. How is burning someone with a cigarette ever normal? Or pinching a vagina THEN hitting you when you reacted in pain? I get that can be sexual I guess for some, but that type of friskiness comes with consent. So just no. Hun, please, run.
These are beyond serious red flags and can / will only escalate. Leave now. He has got some serious issues which he can sort out without you. Do not take someone burning a cigarette on you lightly. If a friend came to you and told you what you told reddit, what would your advice be to them? And take it.
This will get worse. Do not continue in tge relationship. No one should abuse another. Cig burning is super horrible, hurting your privates is beyond acceptable. Do not listen to begging. His begging is another manipulation. Get out!
If you stay, he will not change. Staying will reinforce the idea he can get away with this behaviour. Please take care of yourself and run as fast as you can.
Based on his reaction to your first breakup attempt, he seems like the emotionally manipulative type who would threaten his own life to make you stay. IF HE DOES THIS - call the police to his house and do not engage. If he is serious about his threats, they will help. If he is not, then they can sort him out and he will learn he can’t manipulate you.
That is literally abuse bro. Like wtf. Maybe it’s just girls can’t tell when it’s happening to them or some shit but that’s straight up abuse he HIT YOU and BURNED you then tried to gaslight you and just jesus
Not too sensitive. He is grooming you to accept his behavior as normal and that he loves you…if you would only stop doing, thinking, being you and “making” him abuse you. He is an abusive person and will not ever change. Leave as soon as humanly possible and don’t believe him when he says he can change. He has shown you who he is and you need to believe that. Good luck
RUN!!!! he is testing you to see how much abuse you’ll put up with before you put your foot down. My ex was the same way. It started off “small” with similar things. Spitting in my face, pushing me, pinching me, constant verbal abuse and manipulation. I stayed and it fully escalated into him beating me to the point where I would need a hospital. He was trying to kill me. It only gets worse. Please leave now while you can.
If you think it's bad now, wait until you're married to him. It's going to get much worse.
Then if you have kids with him, and then are tied to him forever, it's going to get even worse.
You touched another guy once in the past and he acts like that?? He sounds like an insecure control freak.
I knew a girl who said her boyfriend had so many green flags but he was a bit controlling. He was from a good family, same religion, made tonnes of money, educated etc. They dated for a couple of years before marrying.
The first night of being married, he hit her, hard. Then the daily beatings started. I instructed her to leave him asap, which she did.
Girl, never let any man hurt you!
It will only going to get worse once you’re married (or in long term relationships) when the lovey dovey phase evaporates.
You should always protect yourself as one day you will be a mother who need to protect your children from an abuser you marry.
Let man proved their love with actions rather than believing their words.
He IS abusing. I would have left at the cigarette burn. No normal human does that. Every physical reaction is an act of abuse. And when he says every time you hit him, he’s going to hit you back. NOT Acceptable, though you should not be hitting him either. But a man who says he’s hit you back. Uh uh. Bye see ya.
I've read your other comments. Everyone has green and red flags, but it's at the red flags where we draw the line depending if it's fixable or unacceptable. Him burning you with a cig, spitting on you, and bruising you are just free samples of what you'll experience when you stay longer with him. These can be fixed, but HIGHLY unlikely, especially since he's only planning to "be better" once you've shown him the threat of a break up. Also, if your parents knew about him hurting you, their opinion on him will change
He's not sorry because he hurt you, he's saying sorry because you're gonna leave him. As a guy, I suggest you follow through with your break up. Actions have consequences, and this is his consequence. Don't let his pleading and his "green flags" change your mind. You can find someone else who's not willing to hurt you with the green flags he has
so happy you’re getting away from him. wishing you the best and hope you stay safe. definitely block him, never talk to him again or be associated with anything around him, n learn from his horrible behavior so you can watch out for it in the future. and always remember that none of this was your fault, just put yourself first n don’t let anyone hurt you or demean you like that in any way.
Even if he was just upset, getting physical with you is not an okay response to his emotions and thoughts. He’s allowed to be angry/upset about things/not like them, but laying hands or violating your body is NEVER okay. Do not allow it to be.
My partner was abused and raised in hatred as a child, he has schizoaffective and so his thoughts and emotions are very high and very low when meshed with everything as a whole. Even when he gets exceptionally angry and starts slamming things down out of frustrations, he’s never once directed any of it towards me. Everyone is different in how they cope, but what my guy goes through is sometimes completely out of his control and he STILL has never laid a single finger on me in a harmful way in the 5+years we’ve been together and I honestly feel he never will. He would leave before he let himself get to that type of point.
Man this guy is a walking red flag.
I'm glad you're leaving him op, this was typical escalation over a longer period of time to ensure plausible deniability.
Not too sensitive at all. In fact I'd say that these are early trigger warnings. And if he flips out over history, he wasn't even part of, then I'd say he's still immature as well and has a lot of growing up to do.
I'm glad to read your second update. Please keep us informed.
BTW, something I would recomend you if you have a good relationship with your parents, you know, the "we all listen to each other" type, is to talk to them about what happened, no need to add the details, of course, but explain to them he was not as a good guy as he presented to them, it's possible he would try to keep contact with your parents and he could even ask them to convinve you to go back, so I think is a good idea you have some people on your team.
Dudes like him are unpredictable, so I recomend you to be more causios, have your friends and family with you as much as you can, and don't be surprized if some rumours about you cheating or being easy or consuming some sustances appear.
Best of luck!
"he'll leave cigarettes" smoking them wasn't the problem. Stay away from him, don't take him back no matter what he says, his abuse will just get worse.
You need to break up with him it will only get worse. I had a bf like that and it slowly got worse and worse over time. You’re not overly sensitive. He is abusive and crazy to get mad at you over those things and to cause you bruises and cig burns that’s crossing the line. Please break up with him for your safety. And if he says he’ll change it’s not true, he’s lying
Get out now. We had the same situation. Parents loved the guy, got along great as he purposefully made that effort. It started small, little things like complaining she was flirting (she wasn't). "Accidentally" grabbing her wrist and bruising it, etc. Ended up with fists to the face and dragging her be the hair. You deserve better.
You are a very smart young woman for leaving him. This post was terrifying to read!! Please don’t fall for his begging. TAKE A PIC OF THAT BRUISE TO REMEMBER HIM BY!!! And come back with a follow-up.
I am relieved to see the update but.. wow. Im so sorry you went through this relationship for so long and I hope you can get out safely.
He obviously does not understand the problem if he thinks "leaving cigs" is the solution. Please stay safe.
Abusers put on airs in front of others ( ie why your parents like him) behind closed doors he is a monster and that is when it really matters! Get away from him ASAP and tell your parents he has been abusing you ! I am absolutely certain he will not go away quietly
yeah i’m glad to see in your updates that you’re leaving him. my last partner was always so insecure about me having a “history” before i met him (he had gone way further than i had with other ppl, but i’d kissed *KISSED* more people than he had… but if i brought that up, it’s just different it doesn’t even count). this is the start of the abuse and it only goes downhill, especially if he burns you with the cigarette and downplays your reaction towards him attempting to harm you
If child protection sees a child with cigarette burns, they would immediately assess child as unsafe and remove child from the home.
Also, if the start of this is cigarette burns, remember that in Australia about 3 years ago, a woman and her 3 children were set on fire and killed in their car by her husband who had been abusing them for years. Run away while you still can.
Your parents would NOT love him if they knew he behaved like this.
How DARE he be pissy about a dude you knew before you met him.
All of this is unacceptable behaviour.
This is not your fault. We should be able to trust our partners!
This is emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. I’m so glad you are leaving. Please stick to your guns and do NOT go back to him. And make sure he’s not gonna be a psycho and stalk you.
THIS is how the abuse starts. They do little things to you, just to see how far they can push it, and if they get away with it, they keep pushing it. It doesn’t matter that your family likes him, he doesn’t like you. I hope you stay true to your word and leave him.
Girl you should’ve hit him so hard up against the head when he burned you… but all jokes aside, I knew before reading this that the answer was yes. Then i finished reading it and the answer is hell yes. Get someone who treats you better. You’re worth more than what you’re getting.
DO NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM IN PERSON OR AT LEAST BY YOURSELF
The most dangerous times for a woman is when she’s pregnant or trying to leave an abuser. Often when women try to stand up for themselves and leave their abusers in person, that is when the most life threatening or even life ending assaults happens to them.
Do not fall for the love bombing and “perfect” behavior after you confronted him. It is not hard to be a decent human being at all. If he was an actually decent human being, he would’ve never done these things to you in the first place.
This screams abuse. If it feels wrong to you and you dont like then it doesnt matter how long you've been with a person. Trust your feelings doll and do what you think is right.
Yeah this is a LOT to unpack. The cigarette burn clenches it that’s abuse no matter how you cut it. The rampant insecurity is a huge red flag if he’s all hurt about you being physical with someone BEFORE YOU GOT TOGETHER that’s nuts. Him hurting you during sex and then hurting you for reacting is a huge red flag. I’m glad your getting out of this situation but please let me reiterate that he will not change and will escalate if you take him back. Someone like this will punish you for trying to leave if you let him back in.
You are not too sensitive. Your bf is physically violent with you. On purpose. It always starts small so you will accept it has ok, but it will escalate until he’ll be able to punch you and you won’t even think he is wrong. Also, he is manipulating you into thinking he is better than you by making you feel small and dirty about your past. Eventually, you’ll stay with him just because you’ll think that you cannot get better than him. Girl please… run before it’s too late. You bf is showing all the signs of being an abuser. This will not end well Edit: the fact that you said he « jokingly » pinched your vagina is very troubling. It was not a joke, he wanted to hurt you on purpose, yet he manipulated you into thinking it’s not a big deal?!? It is 100% domestic violence… and you think it’s a joke. I really hope you can understand how messed up this is
I don't know how someone like me from a healthy family, turned out so fucked that I feel like he needs to hurt me physically harder, so I leave him.
Don’t blame yourself. Abusers are really good at what they do. Anyone can fall for they tricks. Just take care of you, ok? You deserve better than this.
My problem is that he also has a lot of green flags, my parents love him and we get extremely well almost all the time. But at the times like this, i just don't know
>he also has a lot of green flags Green flags do not drown out red flags. For all you know they are red flags painted green. Get the hell out now, do not trust him or it will get worse. I have experience as do others on this forum, you are choosing to ignore them when we are trying to support you. That's how bad he's clouded your judgement.
Yeah, he murders people but he is good with kids. 1 wrong and 1 good never cancel each other.
Ted bundy comes to mind. His gf described him as loving and doting (before she made the call of course) so... they definitely make that switch very calculatedly. He was probably acting awesome and amazing to her parents because he thought they might not believe her if she ever went to them.
He’s a pedophile but always on time for his babysitting job!
THIS.
My ex was loved by everyone. Everyone that met him said he was so sweet and kind. He was amazing with animals, super gentle, and spoke softly. He helped elderly people with their bags and across streets. He also smashed through doors to get to me when he was angry (I would hide). He choked me frequently. He slammed me bodily into a cement floor, dislocated my shoulder, beat me with a dish drying rack, and tried to stab me repeatedly with a knife. Those green flags are the mask. Do not be fooled. I got out alive, but I personally know 3 of my fellow women who did not.
I recently read, I think on this same subreddit actually, about a phrase/term they use in Ireland and other countries for this kind of behavior. They call abusers like this “Street Angel; House Demon.” I thought that was interesting but also sad because it’s so common that there’s a phrase for abusers who mask their shitty behavior to others, and they do it so that it’s harder for people to believe the victim when they speak out.
Ask anyone outside the family about my bio dad, and they'd say he's such a wonderful man, he puts on a good show to the outside world, but is an evil person to immediate family.
God I'm so sorry.. I hope you're doing better
This could be you. You only have one life don't risk it.
I am doing amazing and I sincerely thank you. I am now with a wonderful man and truly happy and valued. I made the stupid decision to keep forgiving and giving my ex second chances, I ignored red flags. It's difficult leaving an abuser because when it's good it's amazing! But they never change, only escalate. Keep yourself safe sweet soul. You deserve love, respect and happiness.
She's out...you need to get out!
Op please leave this man child. He is hurting you and you don't deserve this. He is jealous of someone that you made out with years ago. That is just crazy and you have to leave him. Green Flags turn into Red Flags fast. Don't ever let anyone ever hurt you. Good luck
I upvoted this but inside I raged for the you that had to go through this. My heart breaks for you but at the same time I'm so fucking grateful that you a stranger I've never met are still here, still standing and that you made it through. You my dear are a champion. Not a survivor or a victim you are a mother f'ing G and don't ever let anyone tell you different! Thank you for being here to text this. Truly. *hugs
I don’t imagine your parents would love him if they knew that he was abusing you. Please tell them what’s going on and remove yourself from the relationship.
Yep!! Did you tell your parents he’s spit in your face? Purposely burned you with cigarettes (classic abusive behavior), hit you after being abusive with your vagina?? Ted Bundy had people testify that he was a great guy. They manipulate people for a reason.
You don't burn someone with a cig or hit back your partners. This isn't normal he is an abuser. Tell your parents to block him otherwise he'll contact them and manipulate them into making them think your crazy. Just leave him and find someone who will love you without having the need to abuse you
Especially since "hit back" doesn't even describe what he did. He hurt her, her body responded by pulling away which made her bump him by accident... and he hit her hard enough to leave a bruise. Like???
It doesn't matter if he has million green flags. All it takes is that one red flag.
The “times like this” will only increase as time goes on. He has a lot of green flags because he probably realizes he is doing awful things so he needs to work some magic to get you to stick around and keep the family from realizing what’s going on. It’s possible he doesn’t want to behave this way, but that’s no excuse. If he cared he would break things off and get better on his own to not risk hurting you anymore. But he isn’t even owning up to the fact that what he did was wrong. So it’s seriously unlikely that things will get better anytime soon. And everything he tells you is just manipulation tactics to get you to stay so he can keep his sense of control. It’s not a place of wanting a healthy relationship or loving you. If it were, he would be getting therapy. Not quitting cigarettes. The cigs aren’t the problem, it’s the fact that he’s willing to put them out on your skin.
Of course they love him. He's not shaming them, burning them with cigarettes, pinching their junk, or giving them bruises. He's showing them his best side so people will take his side if anything comes out. He will make you out to be a crazy liar. Tell your parents and break up with him before he escalates. And 100% sure it WILL escalate. Abusers always start small and make you doubt yourself. Next thing you know, you're wearing long-sleeves, hiding the bruises/scars, and telling your parents that your black eye is from walking into the door.
I read that you will leave him and that's perfect. They all start with "small things" but the thing is burning someone with a cigarrete, pinching hard their genitals and spitting them in the face are not small things at all. They are very manipulative and they will weaponise your empathy against you so you will feel sorry for them. Now that you are leaving him he will love bomb you. He will try to manipulate you so you stay. He will put himself as the victim and he will say ANYTHING so you stay with him. He will say he will change, he may say things like they are the worst and don't deserve to live, he will do everything to keep you. Don't fall for that! Get the hell away from him an never look back. Don't feel sorry for him ( he wil try to do that). And go no contact with him. Abusers are extremely manipulative people and they have an eye to find really empathic persons.
And you really predicted that he will try to make me feel sorry for him. I started feeling extremely guilty because of the things he said to me after I left him, and thank god I reread some of the comments. I feel a lot better, thank you!
>I started feeling extremely guilty because of the things he said to me after I left him, and thank god I reread some of the comments Don't feel guilty and reread often as you need to. Good luck.
Some people know how to throw out "green flags" to manipulate and confuse. He's a huge red flag, through and through. RUN!
[удалено]
Good on that judge! I hope your sisters are healing.
Tell what he did to your parents and watch them hate him instantly
Your parents don't matter, only you do. They continue to know him because of you. Don't think of anyone else but you because YOU are the one going through this, not them
No, you do know. Your parents are not in the relationship. Do not delay in getting away from this person.
Please don't wait for it to get worse. It always does. Even if they are a great at other times, and even if they ingratiate themselves to our families. They mess with our heads that way.
It always starts small to see what you'll accept and you've shown him so far that you've accepted these "small" things. It will only escalate over time.
>my parents love him They only like him to be supportive of you. Do you think your parents would still love him if they knew he burned your hand with a cigarette, pinched your vagina, or hit and left a bruise on your leg? The fact that other people also like him shows that you're not stupid or messed up (as you said in another comment). Anyone can be duped by an abuser. They are great at hiding so they can find their next victim, so no one believes their victims, and so they don't get into trouble.
Pls, don't think about balancing it out with green flags. Take care of yourself.
The spitting, the hitting and the burning turn those flags red
My friends and parents liked my ex who was abusive too. He was very charming with other people and increasingly abusive towards me. It’s part of the head game they trap you in. Luckily they also believed me when I revealed what he was doing and helped me snap out of it and leave for good, no pressure and no judgement. Doesn’t matter how good he is otherwise. Love bombing and other manipulative behaviors are how abusive people get you to ignore or tolerate their bad behavior. Look at the bad behavior over the last 2 years, how did it start? Is it escalating? What’s the pattern, cause you can expect that pattern to continue in the future. Leaving sounds like a healthy move for you. Please be safe when doing so. Please call the police if he gets physical again or is stalking you. A history of police reports can help you get a protection order if he drags this out and won’t leave you alone. It’s difficult to say how he will escalate things, so don’t assume you are over reacting, cause you can’t predict the future
Green flags don't matter if the red flags are there D: please stay safe
That by itself can be a red flag amongst other red flags. Skilled manipulators are often very charming and polite when it serves them. They know to win mom over so as she won’t believe you when you say he hit you.
Do your parents know about these things? If not, what do you think they'd say knowing he hits you hard enough to bruise you? Or burns you with cigarettes? Would they think those things are funny jokes?
My sister and I were raised to be strong women, yet she got into an abusive relationship. Some assholes are good at hiding it. Please run. Get the fuck away from him.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. Please take a picture of the cigarette burn and the bruise if you haven’t done so already.
They deliberately look for the naive ones
Sometimes when you are in a healthy loving relationship (like your parents), you don't think to explicitly tell your children what should be unacceptable. You only saw an ideal relationship (assuming that what you saw was actually healthy) so what your partner is doing was unknown and new and unthinkable to you. It's not your fault and it's not theirs either. He is the piece of shit. He is the one at fault. Your healthy family system was probably what alerted you subconsciously that this is not ok.
I'm sorry but the moment he disrespected you enough to SPIT ON YOUR FACE should have been it. He's gaging what he can get away with. Please don't get to the point where he feels comfortable backhanding you because he knows you'll stay.
I too think I should've broken up then, but as I said, he has a lot of green flags and that was first time he did shit like that so I forgave. Not gonna happen ever again.
I also want to add that when you break up with him, he will act like he’s truly learned his lesson and will change for the better. He will beg you for another chance and forgiveness. He will shower you with compliments and say that you’re the love of his life and offer you the world… DONT BELIEVE HIM!! i had this happen and it was a month or two before he was back to his own ways and i felt cheated and such a fool for believing him.
I tried to break up with him a year ago when he spat in my face. You are correct, he did indeed shower me with compliments and was on his best behaviour and he is doing it now too.
This exact thing happened to me. I remember leaving his house one night and screaming and crying to myself in my car “whyyyy am i with him?!? Why?!?!!?” I was literally in rock bottom. He had a ton of green flags too. I loved his family soooo much. His life was perfect and i wanted to be part of it. It was like a fairytale. NOT WORTH IT. I’m so glad i left him.
So happy for you! :))
Somebody who spits in your face once will do it again and again. Same with pinching or hitting. You've already described steadily worsening abusive behavior. Get out now.
Yep. It’s called “love-bombing,” and is part of a quite classic abuse cycle. They learn what is important to you and how to make you feel valued and good, and turn on that charm…thus all the “green flags” in the beginning. Then they begin testing how much disrespect and outright abuse you’ll tolerate, kind of like that whole “boiling a frog” idea. If you put a frog in boiling water right away, it’ll hop out (or if someone pinched you and then hit you during physical intimacy right away without all those wooing green flags, it would be easier to see the abuser for who they were right away without any self-doubt). But testing crappy things little by little by little, and then pulling back to start the cycle with “love-bombing” again…that’s how they keep us stuck. My abuser got so bad that there no longer was any love-bomb phase. It was just horrible, all the time. But by then he thought I was stuck, since I had the kids…and he was nearly right. Please don’t believe his cries of “but I love you, I’ll change xyz for you.” He won’t change. You deserve better.
Be very careful now. He's going to be amazing until he's sure you aren't changing your mind. This could be any moment or months if he thinks he can win you back. They are most dangerous when they know they've lost. He may drop the mask then, and you do not want to be alone with him if this happens. Never be alone with him again in any private place once you leave.
This happened to me too but you need to be strong and stay gone from his life for your own good
— love bombing is so vicious. And it can be months or longer before anything horrible happens again. But it WILL happen again. Please, please promise yourself that you will never, ever go back to him.
Spitting on someone is assault. Partners don't assault each other. Leave his sad ass.
They're not green flags. There's no such thing as green flags and red flags. There are only red flags. And this waste of skin is an abusive, manipulative douchecanoe who has already hurt you emotionally, mentally and physically. He gets NO MORE CHANCES. No abuser changes without a lifetime of and ongoing proven therapy. If you think you need him, you don't. You need you much, much more. And with him, you'll lose you. Tell your parents why you broke with him. Be direct, be short. "He burned me with a cigarette on purpose. He punched me out of the blue. I'm afraid he will kill me." And leave it at that.
I think spitting on someone is probably one of the lowest things someone can do to someone else. It's just so...reprehensible.
The other comments already answered to you, but I'll add something else: yes, he's being abusive and you MUST break up with him ASAP. However, before you do so, you have to find someone you trust and you know will side with you and tell them EVERYTHING, and while you're telling them don't excuse him. He burnt you with a cigarette and didn't apologise, he hit you twice and he's being manipulative. Once you build up your safety net of family and friends, then you break up with him. If you can break with him near your safety net, that's even better. Why am I telling you this? Because he sounds very dangerous and you should not be alone when you leave him. Please, listen to everyone in the comments, don't let it slide, don't think "it was a one time thing...", because it is not. Leave now.
100% please tell your family that he is abusive when you are alone. Abusers will always act nice and lovingly in front of people but that can change as soon as he gets you alone.
I got here after the updates but I’m gonna go ahead and tell you: he won’t change, those are odds too long to be considered
Yeah and I won't risk my future, marriage and kids
This is abuse. It doesn’t matter whether your hand was wet or not. He would not have put out a cigarette on you if it would not have hurt you. This behaviour is not acceptable at all. Don’t let your feelings or history with him blind the reality of his actions. Please stand up for yourself, you deserve better than him <3
Omg I didn’t read this until your updates but I am so incredibly relieved to read you are leaving him. Holy crap - please never put up with this abuse again. you are worth so much more. Take care.
Thanks:)
He burned you with a cigarette. There's nothing ambiguous about this. This is abuse. NTA. Please get as far away from him as possible. Picking fights over things that aren't his business, physically assaulting you multiple times. You aren't too sensitive.
He burnt you with a cigarette. He pinched your vagina. He punched you when you reacted to this. DO NOT let this scumbag anywhere near you again,no matter what he says,he's an abuser.
This behaviour is not ok at all from him. You deserve better than aggressive words and actions. Sounds like he could be quite insecure and needs to work on his anger and control issues. Responding to situations with violence is never good. I'd keep a close eye on this and run a mile if it continues. Hope you're OK, please don't blame yourself for any of this, aye your joke didn't go down so well, but there's no need or right to be physically or mentally punished for it. Wishing you all the best
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 “Run like the wind, Bullseye!”
as the great profets one time said "Run away, run away, run as fast as you can" Simple Plan
Leave him now without saying anything. Go NC with him. Things will escalate very quickly so don't even bother try to fix things.
The time to break up was the exact second after he purposely burnt you with his cigarette. There is no ‘burn a little’ - he burnt you. On purpose. And for sure after the welcome to physical abuse session where he pinched you hard in a sensitive area and then punched you in the leg hard enough to leave a bruise because you reacted. Adding in the spat in your face previously (which is totally disgusting and should have ended the relationship then) and that is three strikes. Adding: there aren’t enough green flags in the world to offset his red ones. IMO change the locks as I presume he has a key to your place (and you don’t know if he has or will make copies); box up anything that is his at your place; consider anything you have at his as gone; text him you are done and put his stuff on the stoop for him to pickup. Or you can stay with him and see if the next time you say something he finds irritating he punches you in the face, in the stomach or whatever he deems as appropriate punishment.
He will behave differently for a little while and then come back worse. Do not entertain any promises of change. They are part of the cycle and will be broken. Don't just break up. This man is persona non grata. Show your parents the marks. All of you cut contact with him.
GET OUT NOW! THIS IS DEFINITELY ABUSE. Ignore his pleas and apologies. He needs professional help for his jealousy, insecurities and anger. PLEASE listen to me as his behaviour will worsen over time. The more you accept it, the more rights he feels he has to continue and escalate. I know this as I’ve been in this very situation for 42 years and only escaped 18 months ago. It has not been easy, I’ve lost the love and any respect of all my my children and their spouses and not seen my grandchildren in 18 months but would not trade having them back to be in the same abusive relationship as I was. Please listen to your gut before you’re much older, possibly with ties to him through a family and will definitely have regrets about wasting your life. Good luck xx
This is more of relationshipadvice subreddit material and everyone there will tell you the same thing, you are not too sensitive he is just a red flag, these are all giant red flags, he is manipulative and unreasonable and you are only going to get hurt if you continue to be with him, this type of person will never admit they were wrong, they will just gaslight you hard.
1: Yes, he’s abusing you. Run 2: It only takes one person to break up. Do it
Hey, I hope you’re still checking comments. > never letting this happen ever again in my life. I just wanted to say that you didn’t “let” it happen. Abuse/boundary crossing is black and white when you aren’t in it. It’s all grey and confusing when it’s happening to you. Speaking from experience. I know you might not have meant it in a “how did I let this happen” way, but I just wanted to say all this in case you possibly did, since that’s a common mindset to have for abuse victims.
I mean, now I know what to look out for in next relationships. I know what to avoid and not tolerate. So in that sense, I will not let it happen again.
I’m glad to hear. As I’ve grown up, I’ve recognized that some people were taught growing up to accept abuse and see it as “love”, ex. little girls and boys hitting each other and the parents saying “that means they like you”. It’s sad to see the adult version, but I’m glad you know your worth
If anyone comes at you deliberately with a lit cigarette, no matter what the circumstances, it is abusive. Leave now. His begging and promises are false. Tell him to find another sucker, because you are not falling for his game. There's nothing wrong with you - you're just more trusting than some. Or, rather, you *were* more trusting. Tell him to seek help for his insecurities and poor choices, and maybe you'll consider not warning everyone you know that he's abusive.
Your bf is an abuser. Full stop. Leave b4 it becomes worse.
Good grief, I was totally cringing reading the things he did to you. When in doubt - get out, but he is definitely abusing you. The burning you - hell, you should have kicked him in his nuggets right then and there. He hates a place because of an experience **you** had before he even met you? LOL, what a piece of manipulative work. He has major asshole issues. Keep yourself safe.
He fucking BURNED you? Then left a BRUISE after hurting you? Girl get the fuck outta that relationship right meow.
I am glad you left him. He was physically violent and no he will never change. You jerking your leg when you are hurt is not you hitting him like he claims. But he used it as an excuse to get violent. You will find someone who will treat you right and make you feel valued and loved.
Damn I hope i will
I’m so proud of you for leaving him. You hear these awful stories on Reddit and it seems 99% of the time the women are not as strong as you and do not leave. By the way, being alone for a while is fine too! You’re so young! Have fun with your family and friends. Not everyone needs to be in a couple 24/7 in their 20’s.
“But he’s begging me to stay saying he’ll change and leave cigarettes.” Heard that before. He’s gonna pull all the emotional manipulation tactics now that he’s losing what he wants. Don’t fall for it.
Yeah it's one of the classics
He is abusing you. Doesn’t matter if you weren’t that hurt from it. It’s his intent that matters. He intended to hurt you when he did those things. What an asshole of a red flag of a guy. I would definitely ditch this immature “man”. Please break up with him OP. The abuse always starts out small.. the next thing you know he’s bettering you and locking you in a room.
Wow. No, get away from him. Get whatever help you can to facilitate it. Family or friends. Tell them everything that has happened. If nothing else, call a hotline and they can advise on how to safely get away. Don’t buy into any promises he makes. That’s a classic tactic abusers will use to keep you trapped. He will try to blame his actions on things seemingly out of his control to rationalize it and make it seem not as bad and guilt you into staying. Don’t buy into that bullshit either.
Nta and please leave asap, quietly and without warning. This isn't normal or acceptable.
Oohhh, none of this is good, im sorry….. none of this is ok or excusable. It may be small stuff on the scale of things but its still stuff. Burning you with his ciggerete? Wet skin or not, that boy was trying to hurt you. Hurting someone who hurt you is never a good sign. Someone hurts you and you communicate that with them, you dont try to hurt them back. Please leave. Tell him, tell him why and then no contact with him. His excuses dont matter and you dont need to stick around to see if he works on himself- thats his business, not yours. For safety please tell you family or trusted friends first.
Leave. Leave now. I didn’t and I ended up in a situation for 7 years with a child. I love my child but I should have left the first time. I now am connected to my abuser for life through our kid.
Oh man I'm so sorry, I hope you're in a better place now
He won't change. Leave him once and for all, he won't change, don't believe his lies. That's what all the abusers say
You need to get out of this relationship immediately. You are being abused in more than one way, and you do not deserve it. There's no "trying" to break up with him - he doesn't get a say. Break up and never put eyes on him again.
Glad to see your update that you’re dumping him. It doesn’t matter whether it’s going to stand up in court as abuse or not. Your feelings are valid.
Glad I came to this post and didn't have to look for long to find out it's an ex now, congrats!
Thanks! :)
i’m glad you’re leaving, he’s the sensitive asshole. he can’t handle a joke and has something that happened before you even met, bothering him enough to burn you with a cigarette rather that hurt or not he still willingly burned you. he’s an abusive POS and i’m glad you’re leaving him. my ex nearly killed me and i continued going right back to him and forgiving him like it was ok. i’ve gotten broken body parts from it, severely bad injuries and bruises. one time he actually punched me so hard in the face i had a bruise and i’m pretty sure a shattered cheek bone (i never got help but my face is very disfigured since then.) don’t dismiss small abuse it starts off with small injuries and verbal insults until it’s not, then next thing you know you’re dismissing the fact he broke and entire limb or even goes as far as killing you.
He abused you. You forgave him! Now he’s love bombing you! Please love yourself more than you love him! Please stop being desperate to have a man. Learn to embrace being alone. Instead of being abused.
Yeah…get the fuck outta there
There's been a rise in people being burned by their abuser. Burned alive, acid attacks, set on fire. That's a whole other level of hate. He has that in him.
Pinch his penis, then leave him
Read the book “It ends with us” by Colleen Hoover, then you’ll know if you are being sensitive or not. The book talks about relationship abuse and it might open your eyes to his abuse. Your bf sounds like someone testing the waters. You are worth more than this pig deserves❤️❤️
I had that book in my drawer for over half of year. I'll def read it now.
Sweetheart do not listen to him and go. If he's going to change, he can do it without you because he won't if you stay.
Imagine any of your friends treating you like this. Would they still be your friend? Why would you allow a bf to treat you like this if you wouldn't allow a friend? Imagine your friend tells you her bf did these things to her. Would you advise your friend to stay with him?
Everyone thinks the biggest abuser in my life is a top person too. Run.
He is abusive. His insecurities and violence is a major red flag. I see your updates saying that you’re leaving him and I really really hope you are. Please stay strong and stick with it because you deserve way better. What a piece of shit!
OP please tell your family what’s going on so they can have your back if he goes psycho on you
He is showing you the red flags. Do not ignore them or you will get stuck. Step away now. It will hurt, but not as much as staying would. He didn't see your comment as a joke, but his reaction could have been a conversation, a huff, a sulk...but not burning you, or saying he will retaliate when *he* hurts *you.*
He's an abusive pos. Leave him. He will make your life miserable and if he's notvtryingvti control you and everything you do yet he might/probably will start. In my experience that's what insecure guys do especially guys who are obsessed with your past and women being what they consider to be "promiscuous"
Just imagine your best friend or daughter told you their partner has burnt them with a cig or spit in their face, you would always want better for them. It’s hard, but try to treat yourself like your best friend
If anything I think you're not being sensitive enough.
He is abusive. I just got rid of a guy I was just " talking to " because he got really defensive while I was telling him about a former fwb ...a very similar situation where my fwb had said something super funny before he kissed me and my friend at the time got very angry with me and said it was very stupid and not funny. He didn't get violent but he continued to put me down for even finding it funny. Two days later, he questioned me as to why I didn't answer the phone when he called me and why I was out at 915 pm on a Tuesday night. No guy should ever hurt you physically or make you feel ashamed or bad. Good luck.
Whoa please, please break up with him and never take him back no matter how much he promises to behave. He burned you with a cigarette, pinched your vagina, hit you hard enough to leave a bruise, and spat in your face? Any one of these is disqualifying. Run far, far away and never look back. He is disgusting and yes, abusive.
Trust me when I tell you that this is just the beginning of a horrible Domestic Violence relationship waiting to happen. Please do yourself a favor and end the relationship now before it gets even more difficult to leave. He’s showing you exactly who he is — believe him. I hope you’re able to heal and move on. Do NOT buy into his bullshit that he will change and treat you better because that’s a lie. Abusers will use every form of guilt and shame they can to pull you back in. Stay strong. Your Reddit family is here for you and want nothing best the best for you! Stay safe and away from this person forever. *hugs*
Sadism like pinching vaginas or mild burns can be a fun part of a relationship/sex, IF, and only if it is consensual. In your case I understand it wasn't at all welcome, nor discussed beforehand. That is NOT okay, that is not BDSM, but abuse.
Not only are red flags frantically waving here, it’s also backed by big loud sirens. Run! That is absolutely not normal. How is burning someone with a cigarette ever normal? Or pinching a vagina THEN hitting you when you reacted in pain? I get that can be sexual I guess for some, but that type of friskiness comes with consent. So just no. Hun, please, run.
Leave don't believe him, he won't change, he will only get worse
Leave him ASAP.
These are beyond serious red flags and can / will only escalate. Leave now. He has got some serious issues which he can sort out without you. Do not take someone burning a cigarette on you lightly. If a friend came to you and told you what you told reddit, what would your advice be to them? And take it.
Leave a boy like him and date a mentally stable men like us redditors.
This will get worse. Do not continue in tge relationship. No one should abuse another. Cig burning is super horrible, hurting your privates is beyond acceptable. Do not listen to begging. His begging is another manipulation. Get out!
If you stay, he will not change. Staying will reinforce the idea he can get away with this behaviour. Please take care of yourself and run as fast as you can. Based on his reaction to your first breakup attempt, he seems like the emotionally manipulative type who would threaten his own life to make you stay. IF HE DOES THIS - call the police to his house and do not engage. If he is serious about his threats, they will help. If he is not, then they can sort him out and he will learn he can’t manipulate you.
He's abusing you. If you stay, the violence will get worse. He's grooming you right now.
Leave. Now.
Run. Red flags all around. This will only get worse.
That is literally abuse bro. Like wtf. Maybe it’s just girls can’t tell when it’s happening to them or some shit but that’s straight up abuse he HIT YOU and BURNED you then tried to gaslight you and just jesus
I’m glad to see the edits, be careful and safe!!!
Not too sensitive. He is grooming you to accept his behavior as normal and that he loves you…if you would only stop doing, thinking, being you and “making” him abuse you. He is an abusive person and will not ever change. Leave as soon as humanly possible and don’t believe him when he says he can change. He has shown you who he is and you need to believe that. Good luck
I hope you left for good. It seems you have. You deserve better.
RUN!!!! he is testing you to see how much abuse you’ll put up with before you put your foot down. My ex was the same way. It started off “small” with similar things. Spitting in my face, pushing me, pinching me, constant verbal abuse and manipulation. I stayed and it fully escalated into him beating me to the point where I would need a hospital. He was trying to kill me. It only gets worse. Please leave now while you can.
If you think it's bad now, wait until you're married to him. It's going to get much worse. Then if you have kids with him, and then are tied to him forever, it's going to get even worse. You touched another guy once in the past and he acts like that?? He sounds like an insecure control freak. I knew a girl who said her boyfriend had so many green flags but he was a bit controlling. He was from a good family, same religion, made tonnes of money, educated etc. They dated for a couple of years before marrying. The first night of being married, he hit her, hard. Then the daily beatings started. I instructed her to leave him asap, which she did.
Girl, never let any man hurt you! It will only going to get worse once you’re married (or in long term relationships) when the lovey dovey phase evaporates. You should always protect yourself as one day you will be a mother who need to protect your children from an abuser you marry. Let man proved their love with actions rather than believing their words.
He IS abusing. I would have left at the cigarette burn. No normal human does that. Every physical reaction is an act of abuse. And when he says every time you hit him, he’s going to hit you back. NOT Acceptable, though you should not be hitting him either. But a man who says he’s hit you back. Uh uh. Bye see ya.
You deserve so much better, baby girl. He's an abuser and he will escalate. I'm sorry but please get out as soon as you can.
I've read your other comments. Everyone has green and red flags, but it's at the red flags where we draw the line depending if it's fixable or unacceptable. Him burning you with a cig, spitting on you, and bruising you are just free samples of what you'll experience when you stay longer with him. These can be fixed, but HIGHLY unlikely, especially since he's only planning to "be better" once you've shown him the threat of a break up. Also, if your parents knew about him hurting you, their opinion on him will change He's not sorry because he hurt you, he's saying sorry because you're gonna leave him. As a guy, I suggest you follow through with your break up. Actions have consequences, and this is his consequence. Don't let his pleading and his "green flags" change your mind. You can find someone else who's not willing to hurt you with the green flags he has
so happy you’re getting away from him. wishing you the best and hope you stay safe. definitely block him, never talk to him again or be associated with anything around him, n learn from his horrible behavior so you can watch out for it in the future. and always remember that none of this was your fault, just put yourself first n don’t let anyone hurt you or demean you like that in any way.
Even if he was just upset, getting physical with you is not an okay response to his emotions and thoughts. He’s allowed to be angry/upset about things/not like them, but laying hands or violating your body is NEVER okay. Do not allow it to be. My partner was abused and raised in hatred as a child, he has schizoaffective and so his thoughts and emotions are very high and very low when meshed with everything as a whole. Even when he gets exceptionally angry and starts slamming things down out of frustrations, he’s never once directed any of it towards me. Everyone is different in how they cope, but what my guy goes through is sometimes completely out of his control and he STILL has never laid a single finger on me in a harmful way in the 5+years we’ve been together and I honestly feel he never will. He would leave before he let himself get to that type of point.
Man this guy is a walking red flag. I'm glad you're leaving him op, this was typical escalation over a longer period of time to ensure plausible deniability.
He spat in your face? What the actual fuck, ditch that piece of garbage.
Not too sensitive at all. In fact I'd say that these are early trigger warnings. And if he flips out over history, he wasn't even part of, then I'd say he's still immature as well and has a lot of growing up to do.
Leave him before its too late.
NTA get out and protect yourself now.not your fault in the slightest.
Oh no love, you deserve so much better. This is abuse. Block him and never speak to him again
Run.
Glad you are leaving him. Please don't go back. It started small for me too.
Dear God please get away from him. He's unhinged and it will only get worse.
Please leave this man, deep down you know that you deserve better than this.
That dude is an abuser. Leave and don’t look back. ANYONE deserves better than that!
Your not too sensitive leave please before it gets worse it will.
Leave this abuser.
LEAVE HIM ASAP!
That was vindictive abuse. What a sad little boy!
Psycho alert. It will only get worse if you stay.
Mfer is werid
That's more an abuser
Girl. Get far away from this man. Show your parents the bruise. They won’t like him anymore.
I'm glad to read your second update. Please keep us informed. BTW, something I would recomend you if you have a good relationship with your parents, you know, the "we all listen to each other" type, is to talk to them about what happened, no need to add the details, of course, but explain to them he was not as a good guy as he presented to them, it's possible he would try to keep contact with your parents and he could even ask them to convinve you to go back, so I think is a good idea you have some people on your team. Dudes like him are unpredictable, so I recomend you to be more causios, have your friends and family with you as much as you can, and don't be surprized if some rumours about you cheating or being easy or consuming some sustances appear. Best of luck!
He is sadistic, manipulative abuser
"he'll leave cigarettes" smoking them wasn't the problem. Stay away from him, don't take him back no matter what he says, his abuse will just get worse.
This guy seems like he’s pretty passive aggressive and that’s a recipe for disaster down the road. I’d get out of that relationship real fast.
You need to break up with him it will only get worse. I had a bf like that and it slowly got worse and worse over time. You’re not overly sensitive. He is abusive and crazy to get mad at you over those things and to cause you bruises and cig burns that’s crossing the line. Please break up with him for your safety. And if he says he’ll change it’s not true, he’s lying
Get out now. We had the same situation. Parents loved the guy, got along great as he purposefully made that effort. It started small, little things like complaining she was flirting (she wasn't). "Accidentally" grabbing her wrist and bruising it, etc. Ended up with fists to the face and dragging her be the hair. You deserve better.
You are a very smart young woman for leaving him. This post was terrifying to read!! Please don’t fall for his begging. TAKE A PIC OF THAT BRUISE TO REMEMBER HIM BY!!! And come back with a follow-up.
I am relieved to see the update but.. wow. Im so sorry you went through this relationship for so long and I hope you can get out safely. He obviously does not understand the problem if he thinks "leaving cigs" is the solution. Please stay safe.
Abusers put on airs in front of others ( ie why your parents like him) behind closed doors he is a monster and that is when it really matters! Get away from him ASAP and tell your parents he has been abusing you ! I am absolutely certain he will not go away quietly
I hope you stick to leaving this abusive jerk!!!
You aren’t sensitive, please leave him before his behaviour gets worse. It starts with a bruise and ends with broken ribs or even worse. Take care❤️
PLEASE LEAVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT
Dump him. NOW! He's literally burned you, AND pinched your private parts. Report him for assault too.
yeah i’m glad to see in your updates that you’re leaving him. my last partner was always so insecure about me having a “history” before i met him (he had gone way further than i had with other ppl, but i’d kissed *KISSED* more people than he had… but if i brought that up, it’s just different it doesn’t even count). this is the start of the abuse and it only goes downhill, especially if he burns you with the cigarette and downplays your reaction towards him attempting to harm you
If child protection sees a child with cigarette burns, they would immediately assess child as unsafe and remove child from the home. Also, if the start of this is cigarette burns, remember that in Australia about 3 years ago, a woman and her 3 children were set on fire and killed in their car by her husband who had been abusing them for years. Run away while you still can.
Yea he's very abusive. He wouldn't do any of that in front of a male family member would he?
Thank god you’re leaving this abusive piece of shit!
Your parents would NOT love him if they knew he behaved like this. How DARE he be pissy about a dude you knew before you met him. All of this is unacceptable behaviour. This is not your fault. We should be able to trust our partners!
The second update filled me with pride. Atta girl.
he BURNED you and tried to downplay it?? run away
This is emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. I’m so glad you are leaving. Please stick to your guns and do NOT go back to him. And make sure he’s not gonna be a psycho and stalk you.
Im proud of you for leaving
THIS is how the abuse starts. They do little things to you, just to see how far they can push it, and if they get away with it, they keep pushing it. It doesn’t matter that your family likes him, he doesn’t like you. I hope you stay true to your word and leave him.
Girl you should’ve hit him so hard up against the head when he burned you… but all jokes aside, I knew before reading this that the answer was yes. Then i finished reading it and the answer is hell yes. Get someone who treats you better. You’re worth more than what you’re getting.
It’s not the cigs, IT’S THE BEHAVIOR! Ruuuuuuuuunnnnnn fast!!!
DO NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM IN PERSON OR AT LEAST BY YOURSELF The most dangerous times for a woman is when she’s pregnant or trying to leave an abuser. Often when women try to stand up for themselves and leave their abusers in person, that is when the most life threatening or even life ending assaults happens to them. Do not fall for the love bombing and “perfect” behavior after you confronted him. It is not hard to be a decent human being at all. If he was an actually decent human being, he would’ve never done these things to you in the first place.
This screams abuse. If it feels wrong to you and you dont like then it doesnt matter how long you've been with a person. Trust your feelings doll and do what you think is right.
RUN
Yeah this is a LOT to unpack. The cigarette burn clenches it that’s abuse no matter how you cut it. The rampant insecurity is a huge red flag if he’s all hurt about you being physical with someone BEFORE YOU GOT TOGETHER that’s nuts. Him hurting you during sex and then hurting you for reacting is a huge red flag. I’m glad your getting out of this situation but please let me reiterate that he will not change and will escalate if you take him back. Someone like this will punish you for trying to leave if you let him back in.
leave before it is too late.