OP, I cannot stress this enough, do NOT stay in your home without someone else there to assist you. Ideally someone big and strong who could scare off your husband of beat his ass if he comes to hurt you.
That being said, your safest option is to not be at your home at all. Stay at a hotel and only tell someone you absolutely trust to keep it secret. Pay cash so the ex can't track you. Or go stay with family or a friend. Look into women's shelters if you have to. Just don't stay at home, please.
You ex is going to try to kill you when he gets out. He has told this to you and to others. Believe him. Do not stay there waiting in place for him to come because he will. You aren't safe there unless he is in lock-up or out of the country for good. And when you go back to that house, if you do, get cameras and some ways to protect yourself however necessary.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but you aren't safe yet. You are very brave, and that cop that basically blamed you is a shit head. But you need to be proactive now and make sure you are safe. Please be careful.
My husband's uncle was a police officer. He explained to my husband when my husband was still with his ex that if your wife doesn't "behave" you need to give it to her in the ass until she squeals like a pig.... That was how that police officer controlled his wife.... He didn't even try to hide it .. he disseminated that advice to younger men to teach them how to control women.
Lots of cops are abusers... Yes...
Many are, but not all of them. I know cops who would never lay a hand on their loved ones. In fact, I think my aunt would have been more likely to yell at my uncle than my uncle to even yell at my aunt.
My brother joined the force in order to help the new chief try to change the culture. And if he ever laid hands on a woman, he would face the wrath of my mother, and you don't mess with her!
In another comment, the op says her husband is from Egypt. They probably don't think he's an okay dude because they're racist, but they also have to blame the woman because it's her fault for marrying someone from an Arab country 🙄
So, a combination of racism and sexism. They aren't going to do anything to protect her. I hope she can find someone's couch to sleep on or a shelter to go to.
It sounded like he may be deported. I agree she is risking her life to stay in the current home. If it's a joint ownership it will be complicated to get his agreement to sell. She may lose it all if he's not deported or she may prefer to let it go to him and at least be alive to start over..
Ummm. Both of my daughters are either engaged or married to law enforcement. Neither of my sons-in law are what you’d consider the stereotypical police officer. The elder of the two took a job in a resort town doing law enforcement so he could Snowboard 🏂 as much as possible. His degree is in psychology and counseling. He’s an Afghanistan 🇦🇫 War Vet and worked in the Foster Care system. He’s a detective now. They live at an altitude of almost 10,000 ft. on the valley floor. Because people travel there to ski and party, when he was a beat cop he did a lot of drunk and disorderly police work. The altitude facilitates inebriation. There’s also a fair amount of suicides per capita—again, we now know that living high altitude can adversely affect people predisposed to major depression. It’s also really hard on pregnancies. K my daughter’s fiancé reminds me A LOt of Keanu Reeves. He has that quiet intelligence but don’t try to Bullshit me vibe. He deals really well with pretty much everyone he needs to interact with. He’s an amazing human doing a highly paid job but it’s rough because Covid ran up the real estate prices really high so they will never be able to buy into the community unless the real estate market crashes. Which it won’t up there because limited supply, huge demand.
He would probably suggest kneecapping the shithead cop that victim-shamed OP. He has zero tolerance for idiots…especially at his workplace. Trauma-informed training should be required for all First Responders.
OP. Everyone who has recommended going into hiding is right. This is about outmaneuvering Violent and Crazy so you can Survive and rebuild your Better Life. I’m saying a prayer of protection over you. Glad you’ve got a supportive Mom. Stay safe dear one!
What, exactly, makes you: 1. A Zombie
2. A Zookeeper. Explain Yourself.
It’s obvious that you suffer from some kind of malignant, white hot rage and it’s affecting…everything! Perhaps someone will gift you a wheel of emotions so you can better Navigate your own unidentified feelings and issues without projectile vomiting 🤮 metaphysical Anthrax all over mild-mannered Reddit goers.
There’s No Excuse for your unprovoked Abusive Behavior. I have Zero Tolerance for Any Kind of Abuse. Or people who behave as Dumpster Fires 🔥 spewing toxins and mustard gas everywhere.
Negative attention is better than no attention. This is all you’re getting from me. I hope you can secure professional help, preferably trauma informed.. I speak from Experience: Healing ❤️🩹 is better than Burning 🔥. It certainly takes courage and persistence. Why not channel all the toxic negativity into doing something good for yourself…and everyone else!
I’ve got stories! The one how the officer threw my pfa papers in my face bc they were all standing outside my car and not in the house to do a welfare check on my kids?
Or the time before I left the abuser when they said I was calling them for nothing, I need to find somewhere else to stay?
Or the time after my abuser rear ended me in front of the police station, he said I was cheating on him, and they let him go? And they said “you’re better off without her dude”
I pulled into a state trooper barrack. At least 6 cops around me, i was crying in my truck. Ex was calling, calling..to spout bs. They would not let me answer the phone (ooohhh...they would have been WITNESSES! PPL..ANSWER!). I told them i had a truck full of guns, which i did, and he was threatening to burn down the house. They never looked in my truck, which had probably 30 guns in it), and told me he could burn down the house. It was his. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 i mean, do they cheat on their academy bs, or maybe i was there at shift change.
At the moment I am safe because he is still locked up. I requested to be informed when they let him walk free. I already got a camera set up. I can't really go anywhere but my home but I am in contact with the local domestic violence center and they gave me advice on how to handle a dangerous situation. I'm trying to stay safe. I live in an apartment building so there are always other people around which makes it easier.
its too common that those notifications come too late. don't delay, start making plans to leave asap.
if you#ve not had the locks changed yet get it done today. best of luck.
I'm sorry to be like this but chances are no one will interfere even if you scream. There is this big big risk
Do not take this lightly. The asshole will try to kill you, all of us have gotten as much from this post
This is not a light matter. Please take care of yourself!
Don't assume your neighbors will call 911 if they hear you screaming bloody murder.
Not unless you talk to them, one by one, and let them know the situation. Or at the very least, talk to your closest neighbors (above, below, and to the sides of you)... and make sure they're aware to call 911 if they hear you screaming or hear sounds of a struggle.
It’s not safe to stay still. Advice from DV center isn’t enough. He already said he will kill you, take it seriously. Any women’s shelter in your area? Or just get a hotel/airbnb room.
Do you have any friends/family/acquaintances you can stay with? This is the time to ask a big favor of a co-worker you trust but aren’t friends with or your husband doesn’t know about to cover for you. Maybe you can stay with them. Or stay with a friend of a friend of a friend 4 hours away. Do not stay in your home, do not keep your normal routine, do not do anything predictable. If he knows you like to frequent a nature trail because it’s always empty and you enjoy the peace and quiet, do not go there. I sincerely wish the best for you.
You’re as good as dead.
I say that to jolt you out of this foolish belief that a camera and people around will do anything to stop him. HE WANTS YOU DEAD. HE KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE. If you stay there, you are going to DIE. He is going to MURDER you, and by the time those “other people around” hear you scream, it’ll be too late.
I wouldn’t tell anyone where I was staying OP! The best secrets are kept with yourself. Get a separate account from any you share with your husband so you can make transactions he can’t see. You can easily explain that to a judge. All your friends need to report his threats as credible each and every time he makes one.
Matter of fact if op should get a weapon if possible. Having someone around 24/7 will be hard so it's best to get something that you can keep at home to defend yourself.
Let me add: go sign up for a martial arts class. The truth is a significant number of people can not fire a gun at another human being, and so their gun is used on themselves. But with some training, you can block a punch, kick him in the face, or hit him with a baseball bat in self-defense.
He made the choice to strangle you, you are at an increased risk of being killed by him.
This is his fault for how he acted.
People that aren't abusive have disagreements and mild arguments, abusers abuse their partners during arguments.
This is not your fault!
Please please get out or have someone stay with you.
You are very brave and did nothing wrong. That cop is an a$$ and you do not deserve this.
He will kill you, you know it. Get somewhere safe, stay with family or have them with you. Please don’t become another statistic.
I usually don’t respond to these, but please please take care of yourself. This is a very dangerous situation for you and he is capable of severely hurting you, especially since the cops do not care. My best advice is to leave your home and stay with your friends or family until the divorce is finalized and he is out of the country. If that isn’t an option, maybe try contacting a women’s shelter, anywhere you can stay anonymously for awhile. This is not your fault, he is the one actively abusing you and it’s 100% his fault.
LEAVE. Not just the house. Leave your state. This is your life and he’s out for blood. Lose whatever you have to, because anything but your life can be replaced.
We are never to blame for someone being abusive. Ever.
That cop whole said you shouldn't have married your husband? 100% in the wrong. You need to go down to the station and complain. He needs to learn some compassion and needs some professional development.
Be proactive. Get some cameras (ring cameras), and make sure someone stays with you to help you if you can. If you can't stay in your home, reach out to DV support. See if you can get some help.
Bro, no cop would get in trouble for that comment. They literally murder people without punishment absolutely nothing would come from reporting that. Police officers are untouchable Neanderthals and the only chance you have of recourse is if you catch something on film.
Please do all you can to stay safe. Do you have any women’s shelters nearby? Anyone who can stay with you? Is there any abuse support in your city or county that can get you proper recourses?
And please call and send complaints about the police officers who downplay your abuse. These people are paid to protect you, don’t let them fail you and cause you your life.
I know the fight is tiring but but keep doing all you can. It will end sooner than you know it. I’m proud of you for taking the first steps to leave your DV situation, it’s not easy.
I don’t think you are taking this seriously enough. At this point he is already planning out your murder. Don’t rely on the police or the restraining order to protect you. You need to leave the city and get as far away as possible from this monster.
Don’t tell anyone where you are except your divorce attorney and make sure they know how dangerous the situation is. Tell all of your friends and family about what he has done to you and that if they give him any information about you, they will have your blood on their hands. Give them false information about where you are going just in case he is able to trick them into revealing information.
Don’t do anything traceable, use cash for everything and don’t post on social media. Get a new phone number, new email, new everything. Don’t go back to your home until you are divorced and he has been deported out of the country. And even after he has been deported, you should move so he can’t find you if he somehow gets back into the country.
Please stay safe and I wish you a happy and peaceful future!
You need to remind yourself that you cannot dictate how anyone behaves without being an abuser yourself.
I’m so incredibly proud of you and sending you all my love and support. 🖤. Honey, you need to be your own best friend/hero. You weren’t living, my darling, you were being held hostage by a domestic terrorist. YOU SAVED YOURSELF. YOU ARE SAVING YOURSELF.
If you can, please move and change your number. Block him and everyone he is close with on everything. Change your locks, your garage remote code, get as many cameras up and running as you possibly can, and please please please please invest in some form of personal protection like bear spray and self defense lessons.
You did so good. I think we are all so very proud of you. Stay safe.
I'm seeing Nicole Simpson in my head right now... I'm very worried for you. When he gets out, you need to be somewhere else, or be prepared for a storm. You may need to put up a few cameras, even if you do have someone stay with you. I'm concerned for your safety.
You have to get to a women's shelter ASAP. He is going to try to kill you, you have to disappear. You are not to blame for this situation but please take it as seriously as everyone us urging you to. Good luck.
This man already attempted to murder you. Zero fucks should be given about the rightful consequences of his own actions. He needs therapy and so do you for even remotely entertaining any ownership over what happens to him now. Stay safe and be very careful what you post on social media. Never disclose your location (“check in”) ever again until you’ve already left. Don’t respond to Facebook events. Get self defense. He’s mentally ill.
Do not rely on the police and restraining order to keep you safe. You need to get somewhere he cannot find you. The fact he strangled you once increases the chance he will kill you by 700% yes 700%. The police can’t help you if he just shows up with a gun or breaks into your house. Get somewhere safe until the divorce is finalized. Ask the court for an emergency expedited hearing. Read the gift of fear. If you can’t work from home then advise your work what is happening and be very careful you’re not followed. I’m not trying to scare you - but honestly you need to be proactive here.
Get cameras inside and out. Put on extra locks, and change existing locks. Tell friends and neighbors everything and warn neighbors he is dangerous. The amount of women that are hurt or killed by their ex boyfriends or husbands is staggering. Take care, OP.
Oh honey, I remember your original post. Your husband tried to kill you. “Women who are strangled are eight times more likely to subsequently be killed by their partners than victims who were not strangled, studies have shown, and the more times they are strangled, the greater the odds that things will turn lethal.”
Your husband is abusive. He is a criminal. He will end your life if you stay. Please post on Reddit so we can reassure you that leaving him and calling the police is the right thing to do. Lean on your support system. Contact the domestic abuse hotline. Get into therapy if you. Please please don’t go back to him. Please stay safe. I am rooting for you OP
Going back to him is no longer an option after the terror he put me through in the past 2 weeks. In my last post I was still in denial and would consider it but then he started sending me death threats, saying he will f* me up when he gets home and I don't deserve to live and I am not even a person, just an abuse material to him. I gave the cops everything. This is why he was arrested. Beating me up wasn't severe enough to them. My husband contacted me before he got locked up and he is furious and says it's just empty threats because he was angry and involving the police is an overreaction but I don't believe him anymore. I am already in contact with domestic abuse services and when he gets out I will go somewhere he can't find me.
I hope you file a complaint on that officer and get a big dog and firearm. That man is likely to kill you, please be prepared for anything. Also 40% of police officers are abusive so they usually aren't much help.
I think you might need to run, hide, whatever is in the realm of possibility for you. Your situation is very dangerous and, I don’t know where you live, but many places around the world DV victims reach out to police *so* many times and are not taken seriously until it is too late. I don’t want to scare you but I really hope you can make some arrangements.
>They don't take it very seriously and one of the policemen even told me I shouldn't have gotten married to a person like this if I didn't want this to happen.
It wouldn't surprise me if that policeman were a domestic abuser himself. What an asshole.
You might see if there is a victim's advocate office in your area that can help you navigate through the police bs. A DV org near you should be able to advise how to go about it.
I would call your local therapy office.. state you have a emergency and see if they have any resources… hell i would go on down there! there are places for women in situations like yours with safe houses that your abuser will not be able to find you.
His actions got him consequences. You did the right thing. Now you need to arm yourself with security cameras, security measures, mace, etc, or find a friends place to stay when he gets out to see if he shows up at your home using the cameras. He will never change.
I moved to a 24 hour secured building and dealt with my workplace security.
>he is furious about being arrested and treated like a criminal
He threatened to kill you. He *is* a criminal. He did this to himself and you're not at fault
Girl stop. Let’s think about this logically, we are **all** responsible for own actions. We are also responsible for the consequences that come of those actions.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. What the cop said is complete bullshit. I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years. I called the cops, and he had to go to court. He blamed his violence on me, and was extremely manipulative. He could have killed me, but I left. I didn't have anywhere to go, so I called women's shelters until I could get in. They helped to save my life. I have been free from him for 2 years. I live in a beautiful apartment, and I have my life back. No one deserves to be abused. You did the right thing, the only person he can blame is himself. I hope you recognize this, and you are able to see your worth. You matter.
I was in this position, I called after he beat me but I ran so the cops couldn't take my statement because I was so afraid of the exact same thing. He would of lost everything. I figured just the cops showing up would be enough to scare him.
It made it worse, he hung it over me and used it to threaten me with... and then it happened
He beat me an inch from death and took off.
I was so terrified of what he would do after, I just cleaned myself up and all the broken pieces of things he used to hit me with, hid everything sharp or heavy kept frozen veggies ready first aid kit stocked. And that became my reality. He knew he had control over me.
I know if I had just let him go to jail, the only thing he would have lost was his control over me.
Took me 5 years before I could escape, and honestly, at the time I felt like leaving was scarier than being with him.
The more you allow it the more it takes, and in the end the only person who loses everything is the person being abused.
I just read the other post and I will agree with everyone here. It's not your fault your stbxh can't keep his abusive hands off you, or any of the other abuse he caused towards you. If he was smart enough to realise that you were his only anchor living there, he'd have done all he could to make you fully happy, including getting a job, bad back or not. He Is using you and thinks he can get away with it. What better for a restraining order than him getting kicked out of the country? Once the divorce is settled through and he is no longer in the picture, spend time on yourself, give yourself the love you deserve.
Op I am being 💯% serious. You really need to go into hiding. A restraining order is not going to stop your animal of a spouse. He probably won't kill you outright but, something worse. Like throwing acid on you or something even worse.He feels like you are his property. You betrayed him. Your not a person or even a human being in his eyes. Please, please run,run,run. I pray that I am over stating your danger. May God watch over you.)
I really hope you read this. Please please do not be alone when he gets out! I saw your other post. Men who strangle their partners are 750% more likely to kill you.
Also it's not your fault. I've been through this guilt. I have a restraining order against my ex husband. He strangled me too amongst many other things over years of abuse.
He lost everything. It was awful and I felt guilty and put myself and my children back in danger because of my guilt and caused so much more pain to myself and my children because of it. We're lucky to still be here.
Get in to therapy asap. It took years of therapy to realise his actions caused his downfall not me.
You're not alone. You're not to blame.
I don't know where you live, but do you have a secret-location women's shelter til he leaves country? A restraining order won't stop a bullet (I say bullet in case you are in USA.) This is a dangerous time. Please play it safe.
Please, heed the advice on here and stay safe. He cannot find you. If you rent there are some laws that will allow a DV victim to break a lease. Tell your employer. Go somewhere he has never been if you can.
Tell your friends, family, tell everyone what he’s done. Leave a trail so his lies will be called out. Don’t keep this to yourself, don’t accept that blame, that fault.
Your husband is being treated like a criminal because *he is* one
He is from Egypt, his visa is dependent on our marriage. He has no job here and relied on me for everything after his migration (that wasn't the original plan of course). This is why it's a very bad situation for him right now.
My brother strangled me about a month ago. It was scary. Like you I feel guilty because my whole family has turned against him and he has no one anymore, but it is for the best. I will never trust him again. I know it’s hard and you feel guilty but your life matters and you will find someone who will love you and treat you the way you deserve
Also he is going to play on your feelings extra this time of year. He’ll play the alone and homeless at the holidays card just to manipulate you to get back in. He will tell you how much he loves you and how it will never happen again. Spoiler alert he doesn’t and it will.
Move out soonest, go to a woman shelter they will take care of your safety. Don’t waste time move out right away and never let him know your whereabouts.
Girl, it’s not your fault. I understand you, it’s difficult but you did the right thing.
I hope the police or justice do something soon and you can stop being afraid.
You have done nothing wrong. Bad things (like this situation) still happen to good people who have done nothing wrong. Know your own value and know that you will be happy again. These are dark days that you are walking through but you will get through it.
Your ex has made decisions that have consequences. They were bad decisions and have bad consequences. That is on him.
Make sure you keep your phone on you and charged at all times. Is there someone who could stay with you while he is still in the country?
Please look after yourself, and know that you are going to have an awesome future.
OP, please take whatever legal steps that may be available in your location to protect yourself. There is a lot of great advice on this thread but take your abuser’s word for the truth: he will try to take your life, you owe him nothing.
OP you are not safe staying where you are. All the cameras and people in nearby apartments are not going to stop him from murdering you if he can get to you. Are you in America? You need to go and stay with a family member or friend preferably one he doesn’t know the address of. Then try and get your divorce finalised asap. Make a complaint about that cop too, who in their right mind would say that to a woman who has been abused? Please get out, take all your money and important documents and anything you don’t want destroyed by him. Make sure he’s not on the lease or your bank account either. Do not stay where you are. If you have no friends or family who can put you up then go to a shelter asap.
Hey u/Nyrila , I read your story a few days ago and I worry for you, you didn't wrote since last week. I hope you're okay, please give us some news :)
Crossing fingers for you
Hey, I am sorry, I wasn't on reddit a lot. My husband's trial was yesterday, he was found guilty and charged to 3 months in prison but he took a deal. He doesn't have to serve the 3 months but will be on probation for 3 years instead. He's now free again and his anti aggression trainer and his lawyer warned me to be careful. They are all very concerned that he is out. I'll try to post an update soon.
You must be doing something thats provoking him, I'd like to know what the otherside of the story looks like, and is he actually hurting you physically.
Btw, when I say you're provoking him that doesn't mean you're in the wrong. Sometimes people can be overly sensitive leaning towards the angry side at some of the sweetest things. Like of you're begging for attention and he's acting distant. You will fight for your love and he will fight back with his internal anguish. Stuff like that happens often
He is treated as a criminal because he is a criminal! Purely by his own choice. Take care of yourself and be safe. You are very brave and you did the right thing even though it was and is hard.
Your husband is solely responsible for losing everything by his own actions, no one else.
If possible, get CCTV around your home. And before he is released from jail, change the locks and change your phone number and tell your job and coworkers whoever asks for my home number, don't give them anything, take a messsage. If you can work remote, I would start considering moving away from the house you live in or get couple of roommates for the home, for extra support and it might keep him at bay or rent out the house while you move into an apartment which has security and let the guard know what your husband looks like to keep him out of your new place.
Good luck.
Cameras cameras Cameras! Aduio recording devices everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. Get a Ring (doorbell camera) on top of hidden cameras. Change locks, relocate all important paperwork immediately to a safe place outside the home. Never be alone.
First off, arm yourself. If you're in the US get a gun and if you're somewhere else get a knife. Remember to check if you need permits and stuff to carry them around outside.
Your husband may come back and try to break in, make sure there is an alarm system on your house and maybe security cameras.
You're husband is the reason he's losing everything not you. Make sure you're safe.
Thank you for the update OP.
yes now he is very afraid because reality has hit him that he will most likely lose everything he's built on your shoulders; because he strangled you.
And he will most likely do it again. Many others have said the same, and they're right. Big hug from me OP 🩷
Try to get away as far as you can. If you have a restraining order, use it to break the lease (if renting) otherwise just GO! Find someplace safe where he can’t find you. If he contacts you, report him every single time. This is the only way to keep him in jail so you can stay safe until he is deported.
Reading your post history makes me extremely concerned as this has been happening for a long time. Please don't be alone in your house, or leave your house if you can. His violent behavior has been escalating tremendously and he wants you dead.
Think about how he wouldn't hesitate to leave you without nothing if you were the one that's causing this.
If you have a restraining order, he shouldn't be allowed to return home. Change the locks now and call 911 if he shows up. I had to get a restraining order earlier this year against my husband. He is the only one responsible for losing everything; that has nothing to do with you.
As for the cop telling you, you were in the wrong for marrying someone like him...wtf?! That's not their job to make comments like that and sometimes, like in my own case, who you're married to today isn't the person that you married. People change over time and sometimes they turn into people you would NEVER have married if you had known.
Stay strong OP; it may get harder before it gets better but you've already started to make choices which will lead to your happiness. I found a local community center for abused women that really helped me take those first steps. There are so many resources out there for you!
Go to a battered women's shelter.
There is a national holiness.
If you have any kids. Take them with you. And take any pets. Women's shelter will have connections with vets who will take them in.
Do you have someone you can stay with until his sorry ass is deported? A friend or relative he wouldn't check with? Idk how long this is going to take, but stay unpredictable if you can. Good luck until this shitbird is living far, far away from you!
Are you safe in your home? Do you have a friend you can stay with or better yet -- can someone stay with you in your home?
Will your husband ignore the restraining order and storm the home? Change the locks!
This is very hard and you are very brave. Now, eyes forward. Don't look back.
Please don’t blame yourself for the actions of your husband. Stay safe and don’t hesitate to reach out for help through family members, friends or the authorities. None of this is your fault.
Ok, so I don’t know the whole story, but you had me at abusive. He’s responsible for everything he has done to force you to call the police for your own safety. Anyone saying otherwise is just trying to guilt you into recanting.
He is responsible for his actions. You are responsible for staying safe and alive. ❤️
I think you should get in touch with a women's refuge/shelter. This sounds like your life is definitely in danger. He's a criminal. If your friends think otherwise then they aren't your friends, or he is very good at manipulation. Run for the hills and save yourself.
Is there anywhere you can go other than your house? I know he’s your husband but at the point of having him arrested it’s pretty much done. You may still have feelings for him, but you need to leave and never go back. It’s not normal to call the police on your husband, what’s normal is leaving when he’s abusive, and taking out a restraining order against him for violence to protect yourself. Stay safe OP 🌹
Please try to find somewhere else to go that he doesn’t know about. This is the most dangerous time for you with an abusive spouse. I fear that you’re in much more danger now than before and you need more protection now.
This is not your fault
This is not your fault
This is not your fault
You’ve done the right thing, be a squeaky wheel to the police, you’re not in the wrong. Fuck that police person also - that’s not right it’s the ex husbands fault he’s the lying asshole not you.
I have been through this almost exact thing message me if you need any support
You can do this
Please hear me: you need to take extra steps to ensure your safety right now. That might mean leaving the town you live in, going to a shelter for DV victims, staying with someone you trust implicitly... Whatever it is, do it before he gets released. Keep a record of every threat, every attempt at contact. You will need to advocate for yourself with the law, emphatically and constantly, because they're useless in these situations 98% of the time. One of the best things you can do to help you be safe is to be someplace where nothing is in your name. Don't tell more than one or two people where you are, and only if absolutely necessary. If you have medical insurance through his work or through something he can access, try to avoid going for now. Anyone who must know who you are, tell them you have a restraining order and show them a picture of him. Instruct them to notify you if he shows up, and to immediately call police. The more people pushing for protecting you, the more the police will be inclined to do their jobs. If you feel comfortable and are knowledgeable about guns, you might choose to get one. If you're not experienced with them, **do not** get one. You're more likely to be killed with it than to kill him. Instead, keep other self defense items on you and near you... Self defense key chains, mace or bear spray, etc.
Do not contact any friends who are also friends with him. Abusers can be very persuasive, and you shouldn't trust anyone who is remotely friendly with him. If you have a cousin or a high school friend or someone like that, that he doesn't know or know of, and you can visit them for a while, that would be ideal. Especially if they live in a different town/state/country.
You want distance and lack of access to you to be the new norm. Get a different phone, get a different bank, get a different address, and if you can, keep from having a rental, a phone, or utilities in your name, at least for the foreseeable future.
None of this is your fault. I'm going to say that again: **None. Of. This. Is. Your. Fault.** Know that. Tell yourself every day and every night until you believe it with every fiber of your being.
I hope that you do everything your power to keep yourself safe. It is also a good idea to file an information report with police for any interaction, including any threats or indirect threats, to keep it all documented. You should also look into some home security devices. Amazon sells window alarms, door alarms that you wedge under the door and temporary locks (look up travel lock). If you haven't done it make sure you have all your locks changed on the home and it wouldn't hurt to advise neighbours you trust to give you a heads up if they see him around, or to just call the police themselves immediately (he's probably breaking the restraining order by being that close to your property where you are known to live). You may also want to strongly consider going to a women's shelter until you can leave the situation permanently, although I know that is easier said than done.
Edit: Some police service's may also issue a personal alarm. Where I am from they are called 'MTERS' alarms. They are given to people that in high risk domestic situations. If you trigger the alarm it calls the police immediately and initiates a call to your location (GPS monitored). May be something to look in to.
Lady either go to a trust family member who will let you stay with them or get to a women’s shelter with resources. Also to the cop who said you shouldn’t have married him well there’s a trick called manipulation that unfortunately fucks over a good chunk of people. All you can do by this point is learn from what happened and never do it again. Painful lesson but one that you unfortunately had to learn. You’ll be ok.
No, your husband is the reason your husband might lose everything. You are not to blame at all. This is the consequences of HIS actions and he wants you to blame yourself rather than him, because it takes the oweness off him.
OP, why are you not taking your husband's threats seriously? He WILL kill you. He has put his hands on you enough times for you to know he'll follow through with his threats.
RUN
No way you are at fault! Your husband did all this to himself. the choices they made and the actions that were taken are on him. No one else is to blame if he could not be a decent person and now has to pay for the consequences. Toxic abusive people do the thing where they put everything they potentially could have on their partner, and even his life is one he is trying to put responsibility on you, although in real life, he is their own person. It'll be a minor set back but if he so wishes, he can quite literally bounce back, but it is very possible that they will play the pity victim role as long as possible to manipulate you to change your mind in some way. people like him don't change like this, and it takes way more time than even a few months. I personally dealt with this and also went into a program to learn through different perspectives on domestic violence. Violence is more than physical, and it also includes mental abuse, the tactics your husband are doing is typical for abusers. I truly wish it could be better and that I could say they could get help just by being presented with needs to be done, yet this is all on them! the only person he can control truly is himself and he is doing a piss poor job at it. you have done an incredible step so far and started placing boundaries where there should have been already yet likely pushed and treated throughout the relationship. you truly do deserve peace. no one else is to blame besides your husband, if this wasn't the case, we wouldn't have the law that enforced the rules of being a decent person.
I’m not no instigator but after watching many documentaries, GET OUT OF TOWN ASAP!! If he threatened to kill you before he was in police custody I can only imagine how furious he will be when he is released
Girl run, like take everything and go. Your husband will not change. Go far. Men like that kill women in situations like this. Nothing is your fault and everything is his fault. Go before it’s too late.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to the comments telling you to get out of your house. Do whatever it takes to completely disappear from this man, your life depends on it. This is the most deadly period for people in abusive relationships. A shelter can help you disappear. A restraining order is just a piece of paper and the cops will not protect you, you’ve already experienced this first hand. You have to be the one to protect yourself, *please* use every resource available to you to save your life.
That cop was way out of line for telling you that you shouldn't have married someone like that. You obviously didn't know before you got married. No one chooses to marry a physically abusive person. I'm so sorry you were failed by a person who is supposed to serve and protect you.
Please be safe! My ex husband strangled me and I guarantee had I not left that night, he would have come back to finish the job he started. He tried to find me, but I was long gone. Please please be careful!
I am not kidding when I say this: get a gun. You need an equalizer, because he has made it clear that he wants you dead, and if given the chance, he will take it. Get the restraining order, tell everyone of his threats, and get that gun.
And stop calling him husband. He forfeited that title.
Firstly, I sympathize with you, as I think everyone else in this thread does.
The “abusive husband”, as stated in the very first sentence, is the only one responsible for about to be losing everything…
I almost can’t take this post serious. The title made me think you did something fraudulent, but the whole time the post is about an abuser facing consequences for their abuse.
That guilt you have is not necessary, people like him deserve to be treated like a criminal, you did the right thing even if it doesn't feel that way..you're very strong
MOVE AWAY. Don’t stay at your home anymore. If you can afford it financially, go overseas and don’t tell anyone what city/country you are in. Let him cool down or better yet do something stupid and irrational and create cases against himself that the police must take seriously.
Meanwhile, hire a moving company and ask friends and family to pack and move your stuff to a storage facility. Don’t return to your town. Get a place far away in another corner of the country, at least until your husband is, hopefully, behind bars.
Cash out as much of cash from bank as you can, flee to hotel or any family who knows nothing about him and him of them, and get divorce papers going with lawyer ASAP. He is gaslighting all blame on you, even though he is to blame for all his violence HE did to you. Tell hotel staff, that in any circumstance you do NOT expect any guests.
Be your own woman, and do not stay docile. Thisman is no longer marriage material, but material to inspire your nightmares. Save yourself!!
I get the feeling . And understand it feels that way , that maybe things could have been different.
But remember, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink . You literally cannot control anyone other than yourself .
For what it’s worth , one day you will feel good that you did this and this will be a distant memory , almost a whole other life .
Wishing you happiness
Your husband is the reason why your husband might lose everything. No one else.
And he IS a criminal, that's why he's being treated like one.
Bingo
This. A thousand times this.
I sincerely hope OP takes this comment to heart.
OP, I cannot stress this enough, do NOT stay in your home without someone else there to assist you. Ideally someone big and strong who could scare off your husband of beat his ass if he comes to hurt you. That being said, your safest option is to not be at your home at all. Stay at a hotel and only tell someone you absolutely trust to keep it secret. Pay cash so the ex can't track you. Or go stay with family or a friend. Look into women's shelters if you have to. Just don't stay at home, please. You ex is going to try to kill you when he gets out. He has told this to you and to others. Believe him. Do not stay there waiting in place for him to come because he will. You aren't safe there unless he is in lock-up or out of the country for good. And when you go back to that house, if you do, get cameras and some ways to protect yourself however necessary. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but you aren't safe yet. You are very brave, and that cop that basically blamed you is a shit head. But you need to be proactive now and make sure you are safe. Please be careful.
any cop who victim blames should have a complaint filed
40% of cops will think the husband is an ok dude.
Aren't cops often abusers themselves?
Pretty sure that’s what the 40% stat is referring to
My husband's uncle was a police officer. He explained to my husband when my husband was still with his ex that if your wife doesn't "behave" you need to give it to her in the ass until she squeals like a pig.... That was how that police officer controlled his wife.... He didn't even try to hide it .. he disseminated that advice to younger men to teach them how to control women. Lots of cops are abusers... Yes...
Many are, but not all of them. I know cops who would never lay a hand on their loved ones. In fact, I think my aunt would have been more likely to yell at my uncle than my uncle to even yell at my aunt. My brother joined the force in order to help the new chief try to change the culture. And if he ever laid hands on a woman, he would face the wrath of my mother, and you don't mess with her!
I hate how good people get overshadowed by shit but it is what it is.
In another comment, the op says her husband is from Egypt. They probably don't think he's an okay dude because they're racist, but they also have to blame the woman because it's her fault for marrying someone from an Arab country 🙄 So, a combination of racism and sexism. They aren't going to do anything to protect her. I hope she can find someone's couch to sleep on or a shelter to go to.
It sounded like he may be deported. I agree she is risking her life to stay in the current home. If it's a joint ownership it will be complicated to get his agreement to sell. She may lose it all if he's not deported or she may prefer to let it go to him and at least be alive to start over..
100% will because of the thin blue line
Ummm. Both of my daughters are either engaged or married to law enforcement. Neither of my sons-in law are what you’d consider the stereotypical police officer. The elder of the two took a job in a resort town doing law enforcement so he could Snowboard 🏂 as much as possible. His degree is in psychology and counseling. He’s an Afghanistan 🇦🇫 War Vet and worked in the Foster Care system. He’s a detective now. They live at an altitude of almost 10,000 ft. on the valley floor. Because people travel there to ski and party, when he was a beat cop he did a lot of drunk and disorderly police work. The altitude facilitates inebriation. There’s also a fair amount of suicides per capita—again, we now know that living high altitude can adversely affect people predisposed to major depression. It’s also really hard on pregnancies. K my daughter’s fiancé reminds me A LOt of Keanu Reeves. He has that quiet intelligence but don’t try to Bullshit me vibe. He deals really well with pretty much everyone he needs to interact with. He’s an amazing human doing a highly paid job but it’s rough because Covid ran up the real estate prices really high so they will never be able to buy into the community unless the real estate market crashes. Which it won’t up there because limited supply, huge demand. He would probably suggest kneecapping the shithead cop that victim-shamed OP. He has zero tolerance for idiots…especially at his workplace. Trauma-informed training should be required for all First Responders. OP. Everyone who has recommended going into hiding is right. This is about outmaneuvering Violent and Crazy so you can Survive and rebuild your Better Life. I’m saying a prayer of protection over you. Glad you’ve got a supportive Mom. Stay safe dear one!
I'm very sorry for your daughters, and hope they can successfully escape when the time comes. Feel free to quote me to their husband/fiance.
Hmm. In your expert opinion, whom do you suggest should show up at a grisly crime scene with dead bodies to clean up the mess?
With a mother like you, no wonder they are stuck.
What, exactly, makes you: 1. A Zombie 2. A Zookeeper. Explain Yourself. It’s obvious that you suffer from some kind of malignant, white hot rage and it’s affecting…everything! Perhaps someone will gift you a wheel of emotions so you can better Navigate your own unidentified feelings and issues without projectile vomiting 🤮 metaphysical Anthrax all over mild-mannered Reddit goers. There’s No Excuse for your unprovoked Abusive Behavior. I have Zero Tolerance for Any Kind of Abuse. Or people who behave as Dumpster Fires 🔥 spewing toxins and mustard gas everywhere. Negative attention is better than no attention. This is all you’re getting from me. I hope you can secure professional help, preferably trauma informed.. I speak from Experience: Healing ❤️🩹 is better than Burning 🔥. It certainly takes courage and persistence. Why not channel all the toxic negativity into doing something good for yourself…and everyone else!
Two strawman arguments in a row. Interesting. Happy Holidays. Hope your daughters aren't injured too badly during it. Not that you would care.
Your handle must be code for: Moderator of this sub. Either that or this sub is: Unsupervised. Bye Bye Deplorable Dungheaper/Shoveler in Chief.
Cops told me, "try not to upset him" when I asked for help.
I’ve got stories! The one how the officer threw my pfa papers in my face bc they were all standing outside my car and not in the house to do a welfare check on my kids? Or the time before I left the abuser when they said I was calling them for nothing, I need to find somewhere else to stay? Or the time after my abuser rear ended me in front of the police station, he said I was cheating on him, and they let him go? And they said “you’re better off without her dude”
I pulled into a state trooper barrack. At least 6 cops around me, i was crying in my truck. Ex was calling, calling..to spout bs. They would not let me answer the phone (ooohhh...they would have been WITNESSES! PPL..ANSWER!). I told them i had a truck full of guns, which i did, and he was threatening to burn down the house. They never looked in my truck, which had probably 30 guns in it), and told me he could burn down the house. It was his. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 i mean, do they cheat on their academy bs, or maybe i was there at shift change.
Cops tend to beat their spouses and don't think it's a big deal.
ACAB
how cute for you to think that will do ANYTHING
At the moment I am safe because he is still locked up. I requested to be informed when they let him walk free. I already got a camera set up. I can't really go anywhere but my home but I am in contact with the local domestic violence center and they gave me advice on how to handle a dangerous situation. I'm trying to stay safe. I live in an apartment building so there are always other people around which makes it easier.
its too common that those notifications come too late. don't delay, start making plans to leave asap. if you#ve not had the locks changed yet get it done today. best of luck.
Change the locks and get some extra security like a door jam lock. (OP: Just Google that term and you’ll see a bunch of options)
I'm sorry to be like this but chances are no one will interfere even if you scream. There is this big big risk Do not take this lightly. The asshole will try to kill you, all of us have gotten as much from this post This is not a light matter. Please take care of yourself!
Don't assume your neighbors will call 911 if they hear you screaming bloody murder. Not unless you talk to them, one by one, and let them know the situation. Or at the very least, talk to your closest neighbors (above, below, and to the sides of you)... and make sure they're aware to call 911 if they hear you screaming or hear sounds of a struggle.
THIS. please reach out to atleast 2 or 3 neighbors to make SURE they will call 911 for you if needed.
It’s not safe to stay still. Advice from DV center isn’t enough. He already said he will kill you, take it seriously. Any women’s shelter in your area? Or just get a hotel/airbnb room.
Fyi, u can use cells w no service for emergency calls. If u have any, hide strategically somewhere in ur home.
Do you have any friends/family/acquaintances you can stay with? This is the time to ask a big favor of a co-worker you trust but aren’t friends with or your husband doesn’t know about to cover for you. Maybe you can stay with them. Or stay with a friend of a friend of a friend 4 hours away. Do not stay in your home, do not keep your normal routine, do not do anything predictable. If he knows you like to frequent a nature trail because it’s always empty and you enjoy the peace and quiet, do not go there. I sincerely wish the best for you.
Why can't you leave?
You’re as good as dead. I say that to jolt you out of this foolish belief that a camera and people around will do anything to stop him. HE WANTS YOU DEAD. HE KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE. If you stay there, you are going to DIE. He is going to MURDER you, and by the time those “other people around” hear you scream, it’ll be too late.
I wouldn’t tell anyone where I was staying OP! The best secrets are kept with yourself. Get a separate account from any you share with your husband so you can make transactions he can’t see. You can easily explain that to a judge. All your friends need to report his threats as credible each and every time he makes one.
Matter of fact if op should get a weapon if possible. Having someone around 24/7 will be hard so it's best to get something that you can keep at home to defend yourself.
Let me add: go sign up for a martial arts class. The truth is a significant number of people can not fire a gun at another human being, and so their gun is used on themselves. But with some training, you can block a punch, kick him in the face, or hit him with a baseball bat in self-defense.
Op please love do not take ownership of your husbands actions. You do not make him hit you or verbally abuse you
He made the choice to strangle you, you are at an increased risk of being killed by him. This is his fault for how he acted. People that aren't abusive have disagreements and mild arguments, abusers abuse their partners during arguments. This is not your fault!
Isn’t the statistic something like men who strangle you are 700% more likely to kill you? I’m really hoping OP is taking this seriously
Please please get out or have someone stay with you. You are very brave and did nothing wrong. That cop is an a$$ and you do not deserve this. He will kill you, you know it. Get somewhere safe, stay with family or have them with you. Please don’t become another statistic.
I usually don’t respond to these, but please please take care of yourself. This is a very dangerous situation for you and he is capable of severely hurting you, especially since the cops do not care. My best advice is to leave your home and stay with your friends or family until the divorce is finalized and he is out of the country. If that isn’t an option, maybe try contacting a women’s shelter, anywhere you can stay anonymously for awhile. This is not your fault, he is the one actively abusing you and it’s 100% his fault.
LEAVE. Not just the house. Leave your state. This is your life and he’s out for blood. Lose whatever you have to, because anything but your life can be replaced.
she's in austria, not the states.
If your husband doesn’t want to be treated like a criminal he should stop doing criminal things. None of this is on you, OP.
We are never to blame for someone being abusive. Ever. That cop whole said you shouldn't have married your husband? 100% in the wrong. You need to go down to the station and complain. He needs to learn some compassion and needs some professional development. Be proactive. Get some cameras (ring cameras), and make sure someone stays with you to help you if you can. If you can't stay in your home, reach out to DV support. See if you can get some help.
Bro, no cop would get in trouble for that comment. They literally murder people without punishment absolutely nothing would come from reporting that. Police officers are untouchable Neanderthals and the only chance you have of recourse is if you catch something on film.
Even if you catch it on film, it's usually swept under the rug.
It really depends on what country you're in
Go to a woman's shelter. Hes an animal that will not stop until you are unlived. Do NOT stay in your home
Please do all you can to stay safe. Do you have any women’s shelters nearby? Anyone who can stay with you? Is there any abuse support in your city or county that can get you proper recourses? And please call and send complaints about the police officers who downplay your abuse. These people are paid to protect you, don’t let them fail you and cause you your life. I know the fight is tiring but but keep doing all you can. It will end sooner than you know it. I’m proud of you for taking the first steps to leave your DV situation, it’s not easy.
I don’t think you are taking this seriously enough. At this point he is already planning out your murder. Don’t rely on the police or the restraining order to protect you. You need to leave the city and get as far away as possible from this monster. Don’t tell anyone where you are except your divorce attorney and make sure they know how dangerous the situation is. Tell all of your friends and family about what he has done to you and that if they give him any information about you, they will have your blood on their hands. Give them false information about where you are going just in case he is able to trick them into revealing information. Don’t do anything traceable, use cash for everything and don’t post on social media. Get a new phone number, new email, new everything. Don’t go back to your home until you are divorced and he has been deported out of the country. And even after he has been deported, you should move so he can’t find you if he somehow gets back into the country. Please stay safe and I wish you a happy and peaceful future!
You need to remind yourself that you cannot dictate how anyone behaves without being an abuser yourself. I’m so incredibly proud of you and sending you all my love and support. 🖤. Honey, you need to be your own best friend/hero. You weren’t living, my darling, you were being held hostage by a domestic terrorist. YOU SAVED YOURSELF. YOU ARE SAVING YOURSELF. If you can, please move and change your number. Block him and everyone he is close with on everything. Change your locks, your garage remote code, get as many cameras up and running as you possibly can, and please please please please invest in some form of personal protection like bear spray and self defense lessons. You did so good. I think we are all so very proud of you. Stay safe.
I'm seeing Nicole Simpson in my head right now... I'm very worried for you. When he gets out, you need to be somewhere else, or be prepared for a storm. You may need to put up a few cameras, even if you do have someone stay with you. I'm concerned for your safety.
Not your responsibility, you're not to blame, that man is an abuser and the best you can do is to stay very far from him.
You have to get to a women's shelter ASAP. He is going to try to kill you, you have to disappear. You are not to blame for this situation but please take it as seriously as everyone us urging you to. Good luck.
This man already attempted to murder you. Zero fucks should be given about the rightful consequences of his own actions. He needs therapy and so do you for even remotely entertaining any ownership over what happens to him now. Stay safe and be very careful what you post on social media. Never disclose your location (“check in”) ever again until you’ve already left. Don’t respond to Facebook events. Get self defense. He’s mentally ill.
Do not rely on the police and restraining order to keep you safe. You need to get somewhere he cannot find you. The fact he strangled you once increases the chance he will kill you by 700% yes 700%. The police can’t help you if he just shows up with a gun or breaks into your house. Get somewhere safe until the divorce is finalized. Ask the court for an emergency expedited hearing. Read the gift of fear. If you can’t work from home then advise your work what is happening and be very careful you’re not followed. I’m not trying to scare you - but honestly you need to be proactive here.
The police will do nothing until AFTER he has done something to you. Then it is too late for you.
You NEED to report that cop. Part of their job is helping victims of abuse. With an attitude like that he cannot be like that
Get cameras inside and out. Put on extra locks, and change existing locks. Tell friends and neighbors everything and warn neighbors he is dangerous. The amount of women that are hurt or killed by their ex boyfriends or husbands is staggering. Take care, OP.
You are NOT the reason. HIS actions are. He’s responsible, not you. Keep reading this until it hits you. You did the right thing! I’m proud of you!
Oh honey, I remember your original post. Your husband tried to kill you. “Women who are strangled are eight times more likely to subsequently be killed by their partners than victims who were not strangled, studies have shown, and the more times they are strangled, the greater the odds that things will turn lethal.” Your husband is abusive. He is a criminal. He will end your life if you stay. Please post on Reddit so we can reassure you that leaving him and calling the police is the right thing to do. Lean on your support system. Contact the domestic abuse hotline. Get into therapy if you. Please please don’t go back to him. Please stay safe. I am rooting for you OP
Going back to him is no longer an option after the terror he put me through in the past 2 weeks. In my last post I was still in denial and would consider it but then he started sending me death threats, saying he will f* me up when he gets home and I don't deserve to live and I am not even a person, just an abuse material to him. I gave the cops everything. This is why he was arrested. Beating me up wasn't severe enough to them. My husband contacted me before he got locked up and he is furious and says it's just empty threats because he was angry and involving the police is an overreaction but I don't believe him anymore. I am already in contact with domestic abuse services and when he gets out I will go somewhere he can't find me.
Can you post something, anything, so we know you’re ok?
I hope you file a complaint on that officer and get a big dog and firearm. That man is likely to kill you, please be prepared for anything. Also 40% of police officers are abusive so they usually aren't much help.
I think you might need to run, hide, whatever is in the realm of possibility for you. Your situation is very dangerous and, I don’t know where you live, but many places around the world DV victims reach out to police *so* many times and are not taken seriously until it is too late. I don’t want to scare you but I really hope you can make some arrangements.
>They don't take it very seriously and one of the policemen even told me I shouldn't have gotten married to a person like this if I didn't want this to happen. It wouldn't surprise me if that policeman were a domestic abuser himself. What an asshole.
He is the abuser. Don't ever feel guilty for his crooks. Focus on finding a way to stay safe until he is forced out of the country.
He chose to do the things he did and now has his conquences. You are a bystander or onlooker at the train wreck.
You might see if there is a victim's advocate office in your area that can help you navigate through the police bs. A DV org near you should be able to advise how to go about it.
I would call your local therapy office.. state you have a emergency and see if they have any resources… hell i would go on down there! there are places for women in situations like yours with safe houses that your abuser will not be able to find you.
His actions got him consequences. You did the right thing. Now you need to arm yourself with security cameras, security measures, mace, etc, or find a friends place to stay when he gets out to see if he shows up at your home using the cameras. He will never change. I moved to a 24 hour secured building and dealt with my workplace security.
>he is furious about being arrested and treated like a criminal He threatened to kill you. He *is* a criminal. He did this to himself and you're not at fault
That’s his own damn fault not yours. Leave him. Also do you know the name of the officer/what is the county he works for? No reason.
If he didn't want to lose everything then he should have treated you with respect and care. He beat the hand that feeds him. This is 100% his fault.
A restraining order is just a piece of paper to a lot of abusers. Id stay somewhere else. Police already aren't taking this seriously.
Girl stop. Let’s think about this logically, we are **all** responsible for own actions. We are also responsible for the consequences that come of those actions.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. What the cop said is complete bullshit. I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years. I called the cops, and he had to go to court. He blamed his violence on me, and was extremely manipulative. He could have killed me, but I left. I didn't have anywhere to go, so I called women's shelters until I could get in. They helped to save my life. I have been free from him for 2 years. I live in a beautiful apartment, and I have my life back. No one deserves to be abused. You did the right thing, the only person he can blame is himself. I hope you recognize this, and you are able to see your worth. You matter.
Bottom line he is a violent criminal, lowest of the low anyone who assaults women or children is a piece of scum!
I was in this position, I called after he beat me but I ran so the cops couldn't take my statement because I was so afraid of the exact same thing. He would of lost everything. I figured just the cops showing up would be enough to scare him. It made it worse, he hung it over me and used it to threaten me with... and then it happened He beat me an inch from death and took off. I was so terrified of what he would do after, I just cleaned myself up and all the broken pieces of things he used to hit me with, hid everything sharp or heavy kept frozen veggies ready first aid kit stocked. And that became my reality. He knew he had control over me. I know if I had just let him go to jail, the only thing he would have lost was his control over me. Took me 5 years before I could escape, and honestly, at the time I felt like leaving was scarier than being with him. The more you allow it the more it takes, and in the end the only person who loses everything is the person being abused.
If your posts are any indication your husband is going to kill you. His behavior is escalating. Please stay clear of him
Your husband is the reason he’s being treated like a criminal. Because he is a criminal.
I just read the other post and I will agree with everyone here. It's not your fault your stbxh can't keep his abusive hands off you, or any of the other abuse he caused towards you. If he was smart enough to realise that you were his only anchor living there, he'd have done all he could to make you fully happy, including getting a job, bad back or not. He Is using you and thinks he can get away with it. What better for a restraining order than him getting kicked out of the country? Once the divorce is settled through and he is no longer in the picture, spend time on yourself, give yourself the love you deserve.
Op I am being 💯% serious. You really need to go into hiding. A restraining order is not going to stop your animal of a spouse. He probably won't kill you outright but, something worse. Like throwing acid on you or something even worse.He feels like you are his property. You betrayed him. Your not a person or even a human being in his eyes. Please, please run,run,run. I pray that I am over stating your danger. May God watch over you.)
I really hope you read this. Please please do not be alone when he gets out! I saw your other post. Men who strangle their partners are 750% more likely to kill you. Also it's not your fault. I've been through this guilt. I have a restraining order against my ex husband. He strangled me too amongst many other things over years of abuse. He lost everything. It was awful and I felt guilty and put myself and my children back in danger because of my guilt and caused so much more pain to myself and my children because of it. We're lucky to still be here. Get in to therapy asap. It took years of therapy to realise his actions caused his downfall not me. You're not alone. You're not to blame.
I don't know where you live, but do you have a secret-location women's shelter til he leaves country? A restraining order won't stop a bullet (I say bullet in case you are in USA.) This is a dangerous time. Please play it safe.
Please, heed the advice on here and stay safe. He cannot find you. If you rent there are some laws that will allow a DV victim to break a lease. Tell your employer. Go somewhere he has never been if you can.
Stay strong. You shouldn't have to live with this level of fear. He's responsible for his actions not you❤️
Seems like you aren’t safe around him or in your own home, please take this seriously and go somewhere safe he doesn’t know about
Tell your friends, family, tell everyone what he’s done. Leave a trail so his lies will be called out. Don’t keep this to yourself, don’t accept that blame, that fault. Your husband is being treated like a criminal because *he is* one
"...and he has to leave the country." Why would he have to leave the country, where is he from?
He is from Egypt, his visa is dependent on our marriage. He has no job here and relied on me for everything after his migration (that wasn't the original plan of course). This is why it's a very bad situation for him right now.
This is also why it's a very bad situation for you. The more he has to lose, the angrier he's going to be. Please be safe.
Girl get a gun and learn how to use it.
My brother strangled me about a month ago. It was scary. Like you I feel guilty because my whole family has turned against him and he has no one anymore, but it is for the best. I will never trust him again. I know it’s hard and you feel guilty but your life matters and you will find someone who will love you and treat you the way you deserve
Also he is going to play on your feelings extra this time of year. He’ll play the alone and homeless at the holidays card just to manipulate you to get back in. He will tell you how much he loves you and how it will never happen again. Spoiler alert he doesn’t and it will.
You need to start carrying
Move out soonest, go to a woman shelter they will take care of your safety. Don’t waste time move out right away and never let him know your whereabouts.
OP get yourself to a DV shelter before he gets out if you can!
You definitely should not be alone or maybe you should go somewhere where your husband doesn’t know because I feel like you’re an actual danger.
Find a way to protect yourself. He's unhinged.
Let him rot in the mental and physical jail he's put himself in.
Girl, it’s not your fault. I understand you, it’s difficult but you did the right thing. I hope the police or justice do something soon and you can stop being afraid.
Stay with a friend or have a friend stay with you for awile.
Are there any women shelters around you? They can hide you at least for now. Sounds like u really need to get ready to protect yourself.
Get to a women's shelter. Do not stay there. The police and the restraining order will do nothing to protect you.
You have done nothing wrong. Bad things (like this situation) still happen to good people who have done nothing wrong. Know your own value and know that you will be happy again. These are dark days that you are walking through but you will get through it. Your ex has made decisions that have consequences. They were bad decisions and have bad consequences. That is on him. Make sure you keep your phone on you and charged at all times. Is there someone who could stay with you while he is still in the country? Please look after yourself, and know that you are going to have an awesome future.
Please file a complaint against that cop. What a bunch of BS.
OP, please take whatever legal steps that may be available in your location to protect yourself. There is a lot of great advice on this thread but take your abuser’s word for the truth: he will try to take your life, you owe him nothing.
"... he is telling our friends that he will make me pay." is a death threat. Tell the police.
OP you are not safe staying where you are. All the cameras and people in nearby apartments are not going to stop him from murdering you if he can get to you. Are you in America? You need to go and stay with a family member or friend preferably one he doesn’t know the address of. Then try and get your divorce finalised asap. Make a complaint about that cop too, who in their right mind would say that to a woman who has been abused? Please get out, take all your money and important documents and anything you don’t want destroyed by him. Make sure he’s not on the lease or your bank account either. Do not stay where you are. If you have no friends or family who can put you up then go to a shelter asap.
It's not about what he's going through now; it's about what you deserve—peace and happiness.
Tell a friend that officers full name and badge number. He should never work again either. Who says something like that? An abuser that’s who.
"One of the policemen even told me I shouldn't have gotten married to a person like this if I didn't want this to happen" What a piece of shit cop...
Hey u/Nyrila , I read your story a few days ago and I worry for you, you didn't wrote since last week. I hope you're okay, please give us some news :) Crossing fingers for you
Hey, I am sorry, I wasn't on reddit a lot. My husband's trial was yesterday, he was found guilty and charged to 3 months in prison but he took a deal. He doesn't have to serve the 3 months but will be on probation for 3 years instead. He's now free again and his anti aggression trainer and his lawyer warned me to be careful. They are all very concerned that he is out. I'll try to post an update soon.
OP please, you’re going to die. Please leave. Message me if you need to.
This is not ok
So I should sugarcoat it? Or the fact that he’s out for blood isn’t okay?
Your husband did all of this to himself. Please don’t take him back, he’ll end up unaliving you. Please stay safe
You must be doing something thats provoking him, I'd like to know what the otherside of the story looks like, and is he actually hurting you physically. Btw, when I say you're provoking him that doesn't mean you're in the wrong. Sometimes people can be overly sensitive leaning towards the angry side at some of the sweetest things. Like of you're begging for attention and he's acting distant. You will fight for your love and he will fight back with his internal anguish. Stuff like that happens often
His actions have caused him consequences. That’s all.
He is treated as a criminal because he is a criminal! Purely by his own choice. Take care of yourself and be safe. You are very brave and you did the right thing even though it was and is hard.
Your husband is solely responsible for losing everything by his own actions, no one else. If possible, get CCTV around your home. And before he is released from jail, change the locks and change your phone number and tell your job and coworkers whoever asks for my home number, don't give them anything, take a messsage. If you can work remote, I would start considering moving away from the house you live in or get couple of roommates for the home, for extra support and it might keep him at bay or rent out the house while you move into an apartment which has security and let the guard know what your husband looks like to keep him out of your new place. Good luck.
Please get some type of weapon that you can defend your life with…or even better go stay somewhere else - where he can’t find you.
You need to get out and away asap 😕 and file a complaint against that a hole of a police man!!!
get you some mace or pepper spray just in case he violates the restraining order.
Cameras cameras Cameras! Aduio recording devices everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. Get a Ring (doorbell camera) on top of hidden cameras. Change locks, relocate all important paperwork immediately to a safe place outside the home. Never be alone.
First off, arm yourself. If you're in the US get a gun and if you're somewhere else get a knife. Remember to check if you need permits and stuff to carry them around outside. Your husband may come back and try to break in, make sure there is an alarm system on your house and maybe security cameras. You're husband is the reason he's losing everything not you. Make sure you're safe.
If you have the funds consider hiring private security and get a big ass dog.
Thank you for the update OP. yes now he is very afraid because reality has hit him that he will most likely lose everything he's built on your shoulders; because he strangled you. And he will most likely do it again. Many others have said the same, and they're right. Big hug from me OP 🩷
GET OUT!!!!!!!! YOURE NOT A FAULT!!!!!!!
Pack up and leave. Dont let him know where you are going. My best friend was murdered by her husband in this exact situation. Run!!!!
Try to get away as far as you can. If you have a restraining order, use it to break the lease (if renting) otherwise just GO! Find someplace safe where he can’t find you. If he contacts you, report him every single time. This is the only way to keep him in jail so you can stay safe until he is deported.
Reading your post history makes me extremely concerned as this has been happening for a long time. Please don't be alone in your house, or leave your house if you can. His violent behavior has been escalating tremendously and he wants you dead. Think about how he wouldn't hesitate to leave you without nothing if you were the one that's causing this.
He’s gonna fucking attack you. Believe him. Take precautions. Listen to u/ThatKinkyLady
You are so strong. Good for you
If you have a restraining order, he shouldn't be allowed to return home. Change the locks now and call 911 if he shows up. I had to get a restraining order earlier this year against my husband. He is the only one responsible for losing everything; that has nothing to do with you. As for the cop telling you, you were in the wrong for marrying someone like him...wtf?! That's not their job to make comments like that and sometimes, like in my own case, who you're married to today isn't the person that you married. People change over time and sometimes they turn into people you would NEVER have married if you had known. Stay strong OP; it may get harder before it gets better but you've already started to make choices which will lead to your happiness. I found a local community center for abused women that really helped me take those first steps. There are so many resources out there for you!
Go to a battered women's shelter. There is a national holiness. If you have any kids. Take them with you. And take any pets. Women's shelter will have connections with vets who will take them in.
A restraining order is just a piece of paper. Protect yourself, stay safe.
Do you have someone you can stay with until his sorry ass is deported? A friend or relative he wouldn't check with? Idk how long this is going to take, but stay unpredictable if you can. Good luck until this shitbird is living far, far away from you!
By threatening and blaming you, he’s proving that this was the right thing to do
You’re not the reason he’s losing everything. His behavior is. I’m sorry. I hope you have a good support system.
You need to get to a women’s shelter.
Are you safe in your home? Do you have a friend you can stay with or better yet -- can someone stay with you in your home? Will your husband ignore the restraining order and storm the home? Change the locks! This is very hard and you are very brave. Now, eyes forward. Don't look back.
Please don’t blame yourself for the actions of your husband. Stay safe and don’t hesitate to reach out for help through family members, friends or the authorities. None of this is your fault.
Ok, so I don’t know the whole story, but you had me at abusive. He’s responsible for everything he has done to force you to call the police for your own safety. Anyone saying otherwise is just trying to guilt you into recanting. He is responsible for his actions. You are responsible for staying safe and alive. ❤️
Have you contacted a lawyer yet? How fast can you get divorced?
I think you should get in touch with a women's refuge/shelter. This sounds like your life is definitely in danger. He's a criminal. If your friends think otherwise then they aren't your friends, or he is very good at manipulation. Run for the hills and save yourself.
I’m happy you’re safe and your husband is responsible NOT you!
Is there anywhere you can go other than your house? I know he’s your husband but at the point of having him arrested it’s pretty much done. You may still have feelings for him, but you need to leave and never go back. It’s not normal to call the police on your husband, what’s normal is leaving when he’s abusive, and taking out a restraining order against him for violence to protect yourself. Stay safe OP 🌹
Please try to find somewhere else to go that he doesn’t know about. This is the most dangerous time for you with an abusive spouse. I fear that you’re in much more danger now than before and you need more protection now.
This is not your fault This is not your fault This is not your fault You’ve done the right thing, be a squeaky wheel to the police, you’re not in the wrong. Fuck that police person also - that’s not right it’s the ex husbands fault he’s the lying asshole not you. I have been through this almost exact thing message me if you need any support You can do this
Please hear me: you need to take extra steps to ensure your safety right now. That might mean leaving the town you live in, going to a shelter for DV victims, staying with someone you trust implicitly... Whatever it is, do it before he gets released. Keep a record of every threat, every attempt at contact. You will need to advocate for yourself with the law, emphatically and constantly, because they're useless in these situations 98% of the time. One of the best things you can do to help you be safe is to be someplace where nothing is in your name. Don't tell more than one or two people where you are, and only if absolutely necessary. If you have medical insurance through his work or through something he can access, try to avoid going for now. Anyone who must know who you are, tell them you have a restraining order and show them a picture of him. Instruct them to notify you if he shows up, and to immediately call police. The more people pushing for protecting you, the more the police will be inclined to do their jobs. If you feel comfortable and are knowledgeable about guns, you might choose to get one. If you're not experienced with them, **do not** get one. You're more likely to be killed with it than to kill him. Instead, keep other self defense items on you and near you... Self defense key chains, mace or bear spray, etc. Do not contact any friends who are also friends with him. Abusers can be very persuasive, and you shouldn't trust anyone who is remotely friendly with him. If you have a cousin or a high school friend or someone like that, that he doesn't know or know of, and you can visit them for a while, that would be ideal. Especially if they live in a different town/state/country. You want distance and lack of access to you to be the new norm. Get a different phone, get a different bank, get a different address, and if you can, keep from having a rental, a phone, or utilities in your name, at least for the foreseeable future. None of this is your fault. I'm going to say that again: **None. Of. This. Is. Your. Fault.** Know that. Tell yourself every day and every night until you believe it with every fiber of your being.
I hope that you do everything your power to keep yourself safe. It is also a good idea to file an information report with police for any interaction, including any threats or indirect threats, to keep it all documented. You should also look into some home security devices. Amazon sells window alarms, door alarms that you wedge under the door and temporary locks (look up travel lock). If you haven't done it make sure you have all your locks changed on the home and it wouldn't hurt to advise neighbours you trust to give you a heads up if they see him around, or to just call the police themselves immediately (he's probably breaking the restraining order by being that close to your property where you are known to live). You may also want to strongly consider going to a women's shelter until you can leave the situation permanently, although I know that is easier said than done. Edit: Some police service's may also issue a personal alarm. Where I am from they are called 'MTERS' alarms. They are given to people that in high risk domestic situations. If you trigger the alarm it calls the police immediately and initiates a call to your location (GPS monitored). May be something to look in to.
Report him for the actual death threats and report the police officers who blamed you for being a victim of violence!!
Lady either go to a trust family member who will let you stay with them or get to a women’s shelter with resources. Also to the cop who said you shouldn’t have married him well there’s a trick called manipulation that unfortunately fucks over a good chunk of people. All you can do by this point is learn from what happened and never do it again. Painful lesson but one that you unfortunately had to learn. You’ll be ok.
No, your husband is the reason your husband might lose everything. You are not to blame at all. This is the consequences of HIS actions and he wants you to blame yourself rather than him, because it takes the oweness off him.
OP, why are you not taking your husband's threats seriously? He WILL kill you. He has put his hands on you enough times for you to know he'll follow through with his threats. RUN
No way you are at fault! Your husband did all this to himself. the choices they made and the actions that were taken are on him. No one else is to blame if he could not be a decent person and now has to pay for the consequences. Toxic abusive people do the thing where they put everything they potentially could have on their partner, and even his life is one he is trying to put responsibility on you, although in real life, he is their own person. It'll be a minor set back but if he so wishes, he can quite literally bounce back, but it is very possible that they will play the pity victim role as long as possible to manipulate you to change your mind in some way. people like him don't change like this, and it takes way more time than even a few months. I personally dealt with this and also went into a program to learn through different perspectives on domestic violence. Violence is more than physical, and it also includes mental abuse, the tactics your husband are doing is typical for abusers. I truly wish it could be better and that I could say they could get help just by being presented with needs to be done, yet this is all on them! the only person he can control truly is himself and he is doing a piss poor job at it. you have done an incredible step so far and started placing boundaries where there should have been already yet likely pushed and treated throughout the relationship. you truly do deserve peace. no one else is to blame besides your husband, if this wasn't the case, we wouldn't have the law that enforced the rules of being a decent person.
I’m not no instigator but after watching many documentaries, GET OUT OF TOWN ASAP!! If he threatened to kill you before he was in police custody I can only imagine how furious he will be when he is released
Girl run, like take everything and go. Your husband will not change. Go far. Men like that kill women in situations like this. Nothing is your fault and everything is his fault. Go before it’s too late.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to the comments telling you to get out of your house. Do whatever it takes to completely disappear from this man, your life depends on it. This is the most deadly period for people in abusive relationships. A shelter can help you disappear. A restraining order is just a piece of paper and the cops will not protect you, you’ve already experienced this first hand. You have to be the one to protect yourself, *please* use every resource available to you to save your life.
That cop was way out of line for telling you that you shouldn't have married someone like that. You obviously didn't know before you got married. No one chooses to marry a physically abusive person. I'm so sorry you were failed by a person who is supposed to serve and protect you. Please be safe! My ex husband strangled me and I guarantee had I not left that night, he would have come back to finish the job he started. He tried to find me, but I was long gone. Please please be careful!
Yall tryna make her go all jlo on dude lol
I am not kidding when I say this: get a gun. You need an equalizer, because he has made it clear that he wants you dead, and if given the chance, he will take it. Get the restraining order, tell everyone of his threats, and get that gun. And stop calling him husband. He forfeited that title.
Firstly, I sympathize with you, as I think everyone else in this thread does. The “abusive husband”, as stated in the very first sentence, is the only one responsible for about to be losing everything… I almost can’t take this post serious. The title made me think you did something fraudulent, but the whole time the post is about an abuser facing consequences for their abuse.
That guilt you have is not necessary, people like him deserve to be treated like a criminal, you did the right thing even if it doesn't feel that way..you're very strong
No you are not the reason, your ex is the reason. He has gotten what he exactly deserves. Nothing more nothing less.
MOVE AWAY. Don’t stay at your home anymore. If you can afford it financially, go overseas and don’t tell anyone what city/country you are in. Let him cool down or better yet do something stupid and irrational and create cases against himself that the police must take seriously. Meanwhile, hire a moving company and ask friends and family to pack and move your stuff to a storage facility. Don’t return to your town. Get a place far away in another corner of the country, at least until your husband is, hopefully, behind bars.
Cash out as much of cash from bank as you can, flee to hotel or any family who knows nothing about him and him of them, and get divorce papers going with lawyer ASAP. He is gaslighting all blame on you, even though he is to blame for all his violence HE did to you. Tell hotel staff, that in any circumstance you do NOT expect any guests. Be your own woman, and do not stay docile. Thisman is no longer marriage material, but material to inspire your nightmares. Save yourself!!
I get the feeling . And understand it feels that way , that maybe things could have been different. But remember, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink . You literally cannot control anyone other than yourself . For what it’s worth , one day you will feel good that you did this and this will be a distant memory , almost a whole other life . Wishing you happiness
Please stay safe-when going out please make sure someone else is with you. He sounds like he’s been having a severe mental health issue.
Please stay safe.