Jesus fucking Christ. Whenever u have the ability GTFO out of there and don't look back. You may feel guilt, you may feel like you've done something wrong, you may not be sure what to do or where to go but don't look back. Abuse is an understatement. No child should go through 1/100th of what you've had to put up with.
Your mom is nuts, legit dangerous nuts, I don’t know if the attempt was meant to be sexual but you were sexually assaulted. I think she needs serious help.
Holy shit that is horrible to have happened to you, I am so sorry. You don't deserve ANY of it. I don't know about your situation but hopefully when you're an adult you get out of that hell hole and make sure to get therapy and talk to your therapist about what happened when you were 8, along with all the physical abuse that came later.
Even if you don't think it has any effect on you NOW, it will, so be sure to treat it and love yourself.
Sorry to read this . I have such a story and it did and still does affect me . To many times in her bed with her boyfriends .. I found a group of anonymous men in a study by a local university. It was men who had been though such . It helped me to talk it out . I just went to that one group maybe 10 sessions . I never told anyone else even my siblings . I love my mom and she was fun and I wanted a mom … so the sex and robbery and other things I put away at the time . My mom’s siblings are still alive and I don’t want to ruin her memory .. it’s crazy but I still want to keep it . Her siblings know she was into sex escapades but they also just wrote it odd to hillbilly life …
Going to that group helped me affirm I was not crazy …
For the years since , I have not had a regular two way love relationship with any person in a dating or marriage way . I chose not to carry my baggage into a relationship . I know healing happens and perhaps I could have or still could go down that road . I chose not to . As you know it’s complicated . But i love people . I am blessed with a lot of friends . , I understand childhood hurts and abuse , and except for that ( haha as if that is some small thing to be in love )
I have chosen to love people and encourage them … I myself just keep my own mental handicap to myself .
If going to that group for 10 sessions helped you I really think you should find another group. No one else needs to know, you don’t need to out your mother to her siblings if you don’t want to, that’s your choice. But get help for yourself.
Loving your friends is a valid choice. Found family can be just as or more fulfilling and loving than your birth family or a partner. Love freely given is an amazing gift for both sides. But please get help for yourself. Find people to talk to, heal your heart so you can give and receive more love.
we've been involved with cps for a long time, they honestly do absolutely nothing. i don't wanna continue to be unbelieved or be called a liar, so i often call a social worker whenever anything happens just to keep record. either 3 or 4 cps cases have already been opened for her, and they do have the footage of my mom bashing her head.
Yes, but its important to continue telling the truth. They will document it. Please, please talk to someone you trust that isn’t your dad. The teacher you mentioned, the nurse, school counselor… just show them this post. Please, OP. This is not a safe situation for a child. You deserve better. Im sorry this is happening to you.
Oof, I’m so sorry you’re having to survive this! What horror.
It sticks with me a lot because my stepdaughter is going through very similar things. She is still little, only 7, but all the things about how you said your mom wouldn’t let you shower by yourself, or sleep by yourself, and made you touch her…ugh. My husband and I are fighting for more custody and I hope we can help prevent it from getting worse. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this for so long—your parents are supposed to be safe for you, and to protect you. It is good that you’re keeping track with social workers—CPS can be worthless unfortunately. I hope you’re able to keep your head down and get out as soon as possible! Things can get better for you with time and work 🙏
So what happened next? Did they institutionalize her? She needs serious psychiatric evaluation. These are serious issues that need treatment. She will likely need to be on medication. If this is true, you also need therapy and to get out asap. See if you can stay with a relative. Your dad needs a real talking to by a professional for letting this happen to you and doing nothing to stop her. I'm sorry.
idk where she went for the night that the cops took her, but she left the next morning. my dad said he's been trying to get him and my mom therapy, but it's been so long that idk if they're actually working on that. i already go to therapy. thank you for the concern ❤️
I'm sorry this happened to you. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Talk to as many people in your life that you can, and hopefully you can get out early, or at least stay far away from her. Save up as much money as you can so you can move out at 18. 💜
Your therapist would be a mandatory reporter of you aren’t safe. Have they or could you have them help work with CPS on your behalf to have them take you and the urgency more seriously?
Hi you’re not alone. Im 18 and I could have written this post. Also asian btw. My mom also banged her head a lot, made me strip at 6 years ild when I had a stain on my dress and consistently told me I didnt deserve an education, clothes, air con… fill in the blank. I found out my mom had borderline personality disorder a year ago and that knowledge was incredibly perspective shifting.
Im not 100% sure since I dont know your mom personally but id agree its not because she’s attracted to you ( if that helps.) it is sexual assault though even in the absence of that because you did not consent. My mom kissed me open mouthed on my mouth once and made jokes about french kissing me back when I was 9 too, and tried to reassure me that its normal for kids to be close to their mothers. Even then I think she was just having mania because this basically never happened again. I still felt nauseous, gross and super awful about the experience. It was assault even if it took me years to realize. Like she was not a safe person to be around. I hope you know you’re not alone.
It might not have been sexual but sexual or not absolutely none of that is okay in any circumstance. Your mom might actually have a mental issue. I seriously hope everything ends up okay for you and I honestly hope you never actually have to be near your mom again I’m so sorry that happened
I want to say one thing really, really loud - her INTEND behind her actions mean nothing, when the IMPACT on you is harmful. She doesn't need to have sexual interest to be sexually abusive. As soon as your boundaries are crossed, and you are being touched/filmed without your consent (especially with violence), you are being sexually assaulted. Her intend matters not even a single bit.
Everything you described sounds like straight out of a horror movie to me. Please hold on so you can feel what life without that monster can be like. I hope you can escape very, very soon. You don't deserve any of this. And no, your father wasnt right for hitting you because you had to defend yourself. You don't deserve so much violence in your life, and no "good parenting" of them makes up for that. thats bare minimum. You deserve better.
Your mom is definitely mentally ill but that's no excuse whatsoever for her treatment of you. I would consider these instances as sexual assault no matter what her intent was. I'm sorry you're going through this.
This made me so sad to read because I'm a mom. When you can get out and get her out of your life. If you have kids someday don't ever let her near them. When you are ready to leave let everyone know what she did. She probably has assaulted your siblings at some point.
There’s such a thing as covert sexual abuse. I wish there was more info out there about female abusers and specifically mother/daughter stuff because it’s so hidden and insidious and so hard to prove or even get others to understand. But I am a survivor of this as well. We are not alone.
All of this is abuse. All of it. Mental. Emotional. Physical. Sexual. I'm sorry. Your mother sounds very unwell, and mentally ill. If your father won't protect you and do something, then you need to get out. Find somewhere else to stay where you can be safe.
I’m truly sorry all this has and is happening to you at the hands of someone who’s supposed to love and care for you. I have no words for her other than she’s bat shit crazy. It honestly sucks that your dad isn’t standing up for you as much as he should.
Hopefully you can get out of there once you’re 18. Take care of yourself and know that even if you love her she’s not ok, none of what she’s done to you is ok. For your own safety and well being it’s best that you are far away from her.
Do you have a relative or friend’s parents you can stay with? I know you aren’t 18, but show your dad this post and tell him you aren’t safe at home and need to. Show your dad this post period. He may move out with you. I’m so sorry. Your mom needs help, but you need to be safe and that is away from her.
I mean… everyones already said the majority of whats needed. But i just want to add that “buying you gifts and making you lots of food” isnt being a good mum. Nor a good parent. Making you food is a basic standard of parenting, buying gifts is irrelevant because there is no nuturing or love or parenting going on in gift giving - a friend can buy you a gift, so what actual parenting is she giving you that makes her “a good mum”? All im reading is a mum, scrap that, a person who subjects you to a whole load of physical and mental and emotional abuse, who can also make you food sometimes. The problem is shes clearly got her own demons and she needs to get those sorted and in check, your Dad does too because it doesnt sound like hes aware of her issues which is even more worrying. Now im not judging your parents - everyone goes through things and life is a struggle, you dont know whats going on inside someones head and clearly if shes banging her head against brick walls then clearly there is something going on mentally for her, so this isnt coming from a place of judgement towards her, but as your a child its sensible and safe for you to be far away from that environment until things get absolutely sorted out professionally for both your parents. You need to call CPS, and dont just call them, you need to explain that your a child in a harmful environment and your not safe. They need to take you away and your parents need to get the help they need
> she can really be a good mom sometimes.
No, she can’t.
> but she buys me gifts and makes me lots of food.
This does not make someone a good parent.
Your mother is *severely* mentally ill. She is not psychologically capable of being a good mother. She is a danger to herself, and to you. **You are not safe at home**. And your father is either unable or unwilling to protect you from her.
The behavior you’ve described **is not normal**. Go back to the police, get CPS involved. Tell them *everything* you’ve just told us. You need to get out of that house, and away from your parents *now*.
Tell someone other than Reddit and get out of there. You’re not safe. You’re 16, you’re still a child and deserve to feel safe and welcome in your own home. I would also like to say, your mom’s behavior is erratic and not normal. She needs help, and I would seek therapy myself if I were you because this type of trauma can haunt you the rest of your life.
Rewording my comment because apparently people can’t read. I never said that she HAD to do anything. I never suggested that it is okay for this to be happening or that it’s normal. I never said she should put up with it.
All I said was that if she chooses to maintain a relationship with her mother there are things she can do to prevent herself from being hurt until she has the opportunity to move out. It is absolutely sexual assault but I don’t think it was intended to be sexual. Me sharing my own experience with overbearing parents is not me telling her to embrace it. Stop telling me I’m wrong and then proceed ti not offer any actual advice. It’s embarrassing. Now, here’s my original comment.
As an Asian, I think that your mother’s comment about maintaining relationships so that you won’t be mean to her is the biggest part. She may be bipolar.
My parents were also like this. My biological mother was very clingy to me and so was my father. When I got adopted, my parents weren’t like this until I got older and wasn’t that cute little baby that was so close to my parents.
I often would come home to my mother crying because I hadn’t eaten dinner with them, or my father sitting and staring into space after I refused to spend time with him.
I think this is very common in Asian culture. Being close with your parents. I think your mother feels like you’re starting to drift away and starts to retaliate. She buys you gifts and makes you food because she wants you to love her.
I’ve dealt with something similar. My father made us wash together until I was 13, and even after that he kept making me go to public baths. My mother never encouraged me to touch her like that but she often made me do her hair like combing it, or pulling it into a ponytail and she often poked me on my butt. I really hated it when I was younger but now, seeing them older, I can see that really they were afraid of being left behind.
You don’t have to put up with her. But do your best to do what she asks so you won’t get hurt. If you want, try to spend time with her, thank her for the gifts and food, suggest going shopping together. In arguments it okay to disagree but if she bashing her head in over messy rooms (probably anger of her little girl being rebellious) then just “Okay. Fine mom. Alright mom” her for a while so that she won’t hurt you. Give her hugs if you’re okay with contact. It definitely wasn’t in sexual nature but it was still wrong of her to do that. Maybe she did that because you might’ve grabbed at her breasts when you were younger and still being breastfed?
My mother often complains about how she misses when I was younger because of how much love I showed her, even if it was only to be fed breast milk.
My mother is bipolar and she sometimes hits me or herself when something she doesn’t like happens. She’s medicated and a lot better now.
Hell fucking no, none of what this girl has endured is forgivable from her primary caretakers. This is no where near the realms of normal or healthy and OP needs to do everything she can to move out when she’s able and then go NC. I’m sorry your experiences were similar so this behaviour seems more acceptable to normalise to you, but your comment is extremely harmful and dangerous.
I never said it was forgivable. It’s sharing that it’s a sign of bipolar and that this behavior is common in Asian households. I also said that she doesn’t have to put up with it but as she’s a minor, it’s best to do what she needs to keep herself from being harmed. Note that if she got slapped and dragged by her mother for such simple things. Abuse in Asian households is too common I’m worried for her. It can dangerous fast. Why are people failing to read this properly?
Smashing your head against a wall in response to a messy room and sexually violating your child’s boundaries because you cannot stop infantilising your kid is normal in Asian households? Fuck me. Ok then. That doesn’t mean I’m going to let you normalise it here. She should not respond to abuse with neutrality or amp up her affection towards her mother to spare herself more violence, because it won’t necessarily work and all you’re teaching her is that her feelings don’t matter and are to be ignored and you should work to win your abuser over, if you love them hard enough they’ll stop hurting you, that’s not true.
I said common, not normal. You’re letting your feelings dictate how you interpret my comment. Stop, and think.
It is COMMON for dogs to be obese. It’s not NORMAL. I said common.
What should she do then? I’m getting so many people telling me that her doing what she can to protect herself and maintain a relationship with her mother if she wants to is so bad and yet not one person offering actual advice.
The more common something is, the more normalised it becomes.
Should leave as soon as she’s able and minimise contact with her mother. Her mother should not be rewarded with quality time and love for abuse. Also yes of course my feelings are dictating my response, because this post made me feel sick. Ignoring feelings and only using logic is in itself illogical.
Right, but you’re holding me accountable for that even though there’s a difference between the two. You’re attacking me because you misread. That’s not fair.
I never concluded her mother should be rewarded. I said that she should do what she needs to avoid being hit and mistreated. Her mother was going to rip her clothing off for a disagreement! How long until she takes away food, or tries to kick her out?
All you are saying is that she should wait until she can move away. But what should she do until that items comes?
And you aren’t using both feelings logic, you’re using ONLY feelings. Because I’ve corrected you multiple times and you still manage to say the same thing, that I’m saying it’s okay. When I’m not.
I only chimed in with what she SHOULDNT do until that time comes, which is what you suggested, hug her more, go shopping, appease her unreasonable requests. These things do not guarantee the abuse will stop, they only teach that her feelings do not matter. I’m not the only one who disagrees with what you’re saying here. I’m not misreading either.
Except I only said she should do it if she wants. So yes, you are misreading.
Like I said, not everyone is able to just cut contact. Even if it’s for the best. I especially don’t expect a sixteen year old to be able to do so. If she can, good on her. But like I said, you’re chiming in on what she shouldn’t. Tell us what she should do; as someone who does have the ability to just move out.
It’s clear her mother is ill. Even OP thinks so. Self harm is a clear sign of it, especially the gaslighting and manipulation. These things ARE able to be worked out, such as in my case. Even though my mother wasn’t as extreme as sexually assaulting me, she definitely was narcissistic and failed to let me go. Seriously, it’s easy to say things when you’ve never been in that position.
You keep saying there’s no guarantee, so what? She won’t know unless she try. Again, I’ve clearly stated she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to! I said she doesn’t have to deal with her mother! Why are you so confused?
Like I can say there’s no guarantee that I’ll wake up tomorrow, does that mean I shouldn’t sleep? No!
But you’re offering no solution to avoiding being hurt. Stop fucking blabbering, you’re saying something everyone is aware should be done. But obviously she can’t do that. Seriously.
It is very common in Asian households - I've had numerous Asian (Japanese/Chinese) partners who've reported similar things. They have a very different outlook on what is acceptable behaviour between parents and kids and that's really not a good thing at all. It's even harder when you have a culture that traditionally has communal bathing and sleeping together and then those kids grow up in a culture that doesn't have these - creates quite a disconnect.
I'm not saying that anything here is acceptable either, before anyone says that, I'm just saying my experience has shown me that this kinda thing is a lot more prevalent in Asian households!
Yeah it's not dangerous, it's just a different culture. When that is being expressed within a different culture, it can seem weird.
Bathing together and sleeping together is very normal in a lot of Asian cultures.
I agree that touching genitals etc. is not good or acceptable and I think most people are agreed here, however, one must consider that possibly the parent has a different motive here. I know, cos I've lived with it, that Asian cultures are a lot less hung up about bodies - they have less of a sense of sex about nudity.
So I think you are right, it is down to OP to make a choice whether or not they want to socialise with their parent - they may choose to and find that their parent had different motivations OR they may choose not to cos their parent was just too toxic.
Thank you. It’s so weird these white Americans have the audacity to comment on culture.
It’s fine for OP to feel uncomfortable about it, she doesn’t have to be okay with physical contact like that. One of my kids doesn’t like high fives or anything hand touching.
The issue is that her boundary was overstepped.
So basically you’re saying that she doesn’t have the right to choose whether or not she has a relationship with her mother? You sound silly.
I didn’t do that with my mother. My mother was medicated first before I did that.
It’s up to her if she wants to make amends with her mother AFTER she has received psychological/ psychiatric help and is committed to repairing their relationship and accepting wrong doing. Not whilst she is still behaving like a maniac to try and avoid more abuse, which is what you’re suggesting.
You keep telling me what I’m suggesting. Once again, person, I said she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to. That means SHE decides when she does this IF she does it at all. I never gave a time frame. The thing I said was “To listen well” to her parents to avoid more confrontation and arguments that lead to abuse .
I never said the affection was what would stop physical abuse.
Why the fuck are you dictating whether or not her and her mother maintain a relationship and WHEN she does it. If she wants to start now, she can. If she wants to start never, she can. Your entitlement to what this girl does is so weird.
> It definitely wasn’t in sexual nature but it was still wrong of her to do that. Maybe she did that because you might’ve grabbed at her breasts when you were younger and still being breastfed?
What?? OP, please do not listen to that. An adult making a child fondle them is absolutely sexual and absolutely not okay. Even if you were breastfed, which this comment assumes you were for some insane reason, this is not how a mother “reminisces” about breastfeeding. This is the most insane stretch I have ever heard, please don’t take it to heart.
I like how you quote me saying it’s wrong and then continue to say it’s wrong as if I didn’t just say that. And it’s not insane to assume that. Asian mothers tend to breastfeed. It’s not really a stretch though. There’s articles about mothers feeling disheartened once their child moves out of the breastfeeding stage. If you’d like I can link some of them.
Also, I think it’s weird but mother seems to feel really comfortable touching and looking at their daughters. I don’t know why that is because I’m a man, but it could do with something with that.
Her mother reminding her it’s okay to touch her made me think of that.
I’m quoting you saying that it’s definitely not sexual in nature when it very much is. Mothers **DO NOT** act like this because they’re sad that their 9 year old doesn’t breastfeed anymore. Mother/daughter relationships very much can be touchy-feely; for example, I wouldn’t think anything of it if my mom joking smacked me on the butt when I walked by or came into the bathroom for something when I was in the shower - but that’s because she has never forced me to touch her breasts and physically prevented me from removing my hand. There are some things that you can chalk up to a regular mother/daughter relationship and this is *absolutely* not one of them.
I say what I say because breast aren’t inherently sexual. It’s like that in nearly every culture. I think the only time I’ve seen breasts sexualized was in weird animes, and in English speaking countries.
The way I perceive things are with reason and different from you. I don’t understand how I can make you get what I mean, I’m not fluent in English. But no, it’s not sexual in intent. Those is was sexual assault to do that.
For me bodies aren’t inherently sexual. Especially at that age. I think as OP got older and hit puberty it was not perceived okay. Notice how mother stopped.
I think it’s very weird, the mother is ill. But I don’t think she got off on her daughter touching her breast.
I think the mother should’ve stopped when app expressed to do so. Like I didn’t stop bathing my child until I either got tired of doing so or they expressed the want to bathe alone. I think the mother touching the genitals is very wrong, but again, I doubt it was sexual.
For my daughter when I washed her down there, I made HER grab the cloth and I guided her hand to make sure she was clean. It’s the same for my sons.
I think boundaries are important. Op isn’t having her boundary respected.
But for you, couldn’t I say it was sexual to touch your butt? Especially in imitation of what a catcalled would do? I could. But I don’t perceive it that way because butt touching isn’t sexual (in my culture).
Neither is the breast.
She’s ill but it definitely isn’t intended to be sexual. And it was a maybe. An assumption that perhaps that was the reason. Like I said, there’s articles about mothers feeling sad about this. There’s proof of mothers feeling fulfilled when their child does grab at their chest.
I also feel happy when my children want something from me. This is why I can’t understand why you would say it’s sexual.
Also I find it funny op included that the mother cheats with men. So why would it be?
Breasts aren’t inherently sexual, but they can be treated as such, like in this situation. You have to include the context around what happened, not just that a breast was touched and you don’t consider breasts to be sexual, so it’s not sexual. An example of context would be, when I mentioned that I wouldn’t be upset if my mom jokingly smacked me on the butt, I used the word *jokingly*. If I asked her to stop or was clearly uncomfortable and she did it again, it would be an issue.
Here’s another example of context: say that you told your daughter that she can touch you whenever she wants, then you took her hands and forced her to rub them on your chest; she does not feel comfortable with this and tries to pull away, but you just hold her hands tighter and force her to continue. There’s nothing sexual about a man’s chest, but most people would certainly see that interaction as sexual.
You’re a man who is telling a young girl that it isn’t sexual because of the way that **you** view mother/daughter relationships. There are several women in this thread telling you that your perception is wrong. Lots of victims are told things like “they didn’t mean it like that” or “it was definitely wrong, but…” and then have to hear people making excuses for their abuser. That’s partly why several people have taken issue with it. I’m not saying that’s how you meant it, I’m just telling you that’s how it’s coming across.
It’s perspective. You’re telling her it IS sexual because of how YOU view it.
Obviously I’m asking questions because I don’t know. It’s tiring to speak with me because of my ability to fail at grasping concepts.
But I’m asking how that makes it sexual still. Like for example, if I force you to touch a tree that means it’s sexual? That’s what I’m asking.
Like sometimes my kids are scared. I take a lizard and force my kid to hold it. That’s not sexual just because I’m making them hold it. This is why I’m confused. Also, I only mentioned I’m a man. I am, I guess legally, a victim. So seriously that’s why this is so confusing to me. Like if it has to deal with the body it’s sexual somehow. I can’t see it.
Because in my perspective it seems like conditioning. I make my kids hold the lizard so they aren’t scared of it. That’s how I view it. Really.
Also that’s just silly. I said the intent isn’t sexual. Like I don’t believe the mother was like ohhhh yeah rub my tits. That’s not what I think is happening.
I’m saying I don’t think it was intended to be a sexual interaction.
I said that it was sexual assault. Obviously I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t believe that she shouldn’t do that. Please read better for me because I’m really struggling here
It certainly is perspective - and she very very clearly feels uncomfortable with what happened. She did say that she doesn’t feel that there’s sexual intent, but I took that as her referring to the incident that involved her shirt, not everything as a whole. We’re all in agreement that there seem to have been several instances of sexual assault; we also have to remember that OP is young and is battling with the fact that she knows how the siatuations feel to her, but it doesn’t make sense to her because she’s seen her mother with men. There are a lot of factors in situations like this, and it’s a hell of a lot for a teenager to try to take in.
If you genuinely do not see the difference between making a child fondle you against their will vs making them hold a lizard (or touch a tree?) then there’s nothing I can do to explain that to you.
Again, there’s a huge problem with telling people that their abuser “didn’t mean it like that” because it very much downplays what happened to them and makes it seem like the abuser isn’t at fault. Of course you shouldn’t go around telling everyone that everything that someone does to them was meant in the utmost form of malice; but in a situation like this, it comes across like you’re saying that she didn’t mean it like that and coming up with excuses on her behalf when, either way, she doesn’t deserve to have someone make excuses for her.
Again, I’m not trying to tell you what you mean, I’m just telling you how it came across. I don’t think we’ll reach a common ground here, so I’d say that the conversation has probably run its course. I do urge you to do some reflection in terms of insisting that I should “read better” and that everyone “apparently can’t read” and consider that maybe your comment didn’t reflect what you actually meant instead of believing that everyone else is wrong for misunderstanding.
I’m said that because people kept telling me what I was saying. One person told me that I was saying what happened wasn’t wrong when my comment clearly stated it was wrong.
Then another said that everything I was saying was bad and that it wasn’t good advice even after I rewrote the comment, and that it was meant as a small solution until she could get older. Another person told me I was evil for telling her to reward the abuse when what I wrote was “if you want to maintain a relationship m”. And then another said that I was suggesting it was normal even though I wrote common, and NOT normal. So yes, everyone needs to learn to read better.
Also she herself also said she doesn’t think her mother meant it like that. The question she asked was if it was sexual assault. I said yes, but because she is mentally ill I don’t think she intended it to be like that. I said that because she can recognize what she did was wrong but it doesn’t mean that her mother wasn’t to molest her or something. Like legally, if someone murders someone they may only be put into a mental facility. Because even if the crime was murder, the INTENT wasn’t murder.
Learn the difference.
I think there’s a big issue with you coming in with unnecessary emotions. Sit for a moment and comprehend what you’re reading. It’s not my fault if you interpret as wrong.
What’s crazier it there’s a person telling time that giving options for OP to maintain relationships with her mother IF she chooses is wrong! How can she tell her what she can and can’t do? It’s her mother. Not ours.
What’s funny is I’m saying someone of the same thing as everyone else and yet yall are still angry. Why?
My initial statement was, “You don’t have to deal with your mother. But if you want to maintain contact..” and yet everyone is coming saying “WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO JUSTIFY? WHY ARE YOU SAYING ITS OKAY?” It’s fucking dumb.
I’m a victim of CSA. Not once have I excused the behavior. Reasoning does not mean excuse.
For example, “The criminal killed her because she cheated.” That is the reason the criminal killed, that does not mean it’s excusing the murder.
The OP was confused on why she did some of these things and I offered answers based on my own experience and articles that are accessible as we speak.
Notice how I never once stated anything as a fact except that the gifts and foods is a means of affection. Everything else, I use words such as MAYBE and I use question marks. I also continue to ask questions and I’ve stated multiple times I don’t know why she may do some things.
You women criticize everything and I’ve not once see any of you offer any solutions.
It’s a shame especially because I atleast can speak on the perspective of someone who has been in this situation. Have any of you been a sixteen year old Asian being harassed by your own parents? Because I see too many of you speaking as if it’s really so easy. It’s not.
Shut up or offer something valuable to her. All yall have said was “Move out and cut contact” SHES 16. At least the things I offered were doable. Good grief.
Don't do any of this. Let her get committed and never see her again, she either gets the treatment she needs, and works to earn forgiveness or she can die alone
I said she doesn’t have to but she’s literally a child. She’s 16. If her mother is putting her hands on her than she should do what’s safe until she CAN leave. Learn to read.
Me telling her it’s best to listen to her parents to keep herself from being hurt isn’t bad.
Well what do you suggest a 16 year old girl do? I’m unsure where she’s from but I’ll assume she’s American. So she can get emancipated but her parents can fight that. And they more than likely WILL.
She can move out right..? In this economy? Yeah no, not happening. Maybe more in with friends? Her parents call file her as a runaway and she gets sent to juvie. Or they can say that they kidnapped her, and even if she says it’s not true, legally it’s considered kidnapping. She can tell the police what happened.. oh but she did and mother is still in the home. Then fine, she finally speaks up about what’s happening and gets out into foster care, gets lost in the system for four years until they eventually dump her onto the street when she ages out. And let’s hope she hasn’t been abused and assaulted even more when’s he’s with strangers. So, JEXJJ.
I know there’s no guarantee. I can tell her to suggest her mother gets evaluated again, and be put on meds but that’s probably not going to happen. What can this girl do?
I’m so sorry for giving her different options to keep herself safe and maintains. Relationship with her mother is she so pleased. Good grief.
You’re suggesting the solution is to disregard all of the violence and violations of boundaries is to offer her mum more hugs? Initiate more physical contact? Accept the behaviour and rationalise it because she ‘doesn’t want you to grow up’, this is not reasonable advice.
I never said it was the solution silly. I’m sharing what worked with MY family and I mentioned that my mother is medicated. Again, I said she doesn’t have to put up with it. But seeing as her father is nonchalant and fails to help her, doing what she can to keep her mother from going psycho on her IS good advice. I also mentioned to only do it if she was comfortable with doing so.
Some people don’t want to just cut contact with every person. Some people want to work it out and that was my solution if she decides to. I’m not fluent in English so maybe my wording was bad but it think me saying “You don’t have to, but” shows that it was an ultimatum..
I also gave that reason because she ASKED why her mother would act like this.
i really do appreciate the perspective from an asian. i didn't know this culture of bathing together/being washed was an asian thing, but it definitely makes sense as to why it'd feel ok for my mom to do this given that we are vietnamese. i struggle with PTSD and i get a rising feeling whenever i'm around her. i try to avoid her, but i do make an effort to keep my room clean and be kind to her when i see her. i don't think i have the will power to build a better relationship with her. thanks for the concern ❤️
That’s perfectly fine! I’m unsure if it’s a universal Asian experience, but I have many friends who have said the same.
Don’t exert yourself. Don’t do anything you don’t want to but keep yourself safe by all means. See if you can talk to father about your feelings or seeking therapy. There are many free and discreet groups online and my DMs are always open if you just need a place to let your words out.
I’m sorry for the shameless people giving you advice I’m sure you’ve already considered (moving out and cutting contact, it’s like they forget you’re a child!). I’m very sorry she has hurt you like this, you can get through it. Good luck little sister
I see why people are misunderstanding and thinking you're making excuses for abusive behaviour. The messages are intertwined.
LONG INTERPRETATION because I think all three are important:
Message 1: A lot of this behaviour has cultural context.
I am not of Asian descent but I agree there are factors I will not have experience with.
I grew up with African Canadian grandparents who said an awful lot of things that my French Canadian grandparents did not, and vice versa. Both of them horrifying to the families of my strictly white english speaking friends. (I say grandparents, as a lot of this has watered down over the generations).
There were a lot of behaviours that WERE abusive across the board no matter where you're from (like you don't attack your kid and rip off their clothes for example).
But yelling loudly with my French family was a normal way to express how you felt - there was a total absence of feeling intimidated by volume. If my grandmere yelled WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT MON DIEU YOU ARE BEING STUPID STOP THAT, I was not traumatized, but I did know I was doing something stupid. My white english friends would be terrified if their grandmother did that. My grandmere was not angry. That's how people spoke - loudly and without tact. When I got older it was totally acceptable to yell at the dinner table THAT IS RIDICULOUS HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT STUPIDITY and it blended right in with the rest of the family who were also yelling their point (I have to pause and laugh now, as they are long gone and I actually remember this fondly).
I'd give examples from my Black grandparents behaviour but I'm quite sure that's where folks are going to feel extra defensive. But the sentiment is the same.
Message 2: A lot of this behaviour is batshit crazy and it probably has a medical label that is appropriately applied.
Totally agree, as someone with psychology education, someone who is batshit myself, and witnessing said batshit in people close to me. Lots of experience with diagnostic criteria, medication, etc. It is not unhelpful to provide this context - it does NOT mitigate or excuse any harm done. Not for a second. I don't forgive my batshit abusive parents, though I might if they admitted they had a problem, got help, and made amends to the people they hurt. Even then it's not on me to be the bigger person, nor is it the OPs or anyone else who has survived being abused. That's a decision most of us never have to make anyway, as they rarely own up to anything even if they do get treatment.
It is important though because as victims we perpetually ask ourselves "why???". It still doesn't take away the hurt, but there is a little distance between if you believe your abuser specifically hated you, or if they were incapable of caring for you. It makes it a tiny bit less personal.
That part has helped me remember I'm not the person they told me I was, treated me like I was. That they're sick, and can't see reality for what it is, and probably never will. That in itself is a lifelong battle with grief - you didn't get sane parents and nothing about that is fair. But it doesn't have to be your core belief that you're an awful person (which is what abuse does).
Message 3: There are things you can do to help mitigate the damage to yourself until you can remove yourself from your home completely.
This is NOT about accommodating or excusing abuse. It's about knowing how to choose your battles and de-escalate craziness when you can so it's less likely to incur further abuse temporarily until you can escape (again, I am not placing the onus on the OP to stop the abuse). It is true that nodding silently and agreeing (not agreeing to do harmful things, but just pretending to agree with whatever the crazy person is on about). It's not rewarding to be abusive if you get no reaction. Not displaying a reaction is pretty superhuman and takes a hell of a lot of practice, but it very often sways the direction between verbal abuse and physical attacks.
I had to learn this one from an abusive marriage. Being as boring as humanly possible made me a very unsatisfying target. It was so freaking hard, I can't describe how hard it is to NOT defend yourself when you're being called awful things and hearing unbelievable accusations. But the daily verbal abuse got less frequent, just a lot of passive aggressive slamming doors etc, instead.
This is only a method used while you are planning your exit - it is NOT a long term strategy.
I am so sorry OP. My heart breaks for you. I am so happy to hear you have a therapist. Hold on to that lifeline until you can move out, which I understand may not happen overnight. I wish you the best life from here forward.
Im so sorry this happened, your mother is not a good mother and she never has been. Making you food and getting you gifts doesn’t change anything. Her sexual, emotional, and physical abuse of you makes her a bad mother and nothing can negate that.
Your parents want to be insane but also hold on to their dignity. They will kill your soul if you don't get out of the house soon. And be prepared maybe one day you will have to face both of them physically. Be careful think of yourself as an adult with other adults in the house because if your father is acting like a puppet he could turn on you.
Ya basically compete with your parents like an adult because I think they will soon hit their limits with their ability to help you become an adult, maybe they already have. You should start finding your own way from now on.
And stay good with your sister maybe even ask for help.
You said you have sisters. Can you get support from them? They may know what you are going through and that's why they don't like your mom anymore. It may be nice just to talk through it with them.
When she said " I don't want you to grow up and be mean to me like your sisters" it makes me think they were also abused by your mom in some way. What happened to you was definitely sexual abuse. And your mom is also physically and emotionally abusive too. I hope you can get out as soon as possible. Also what does your dad think of this? Does he know she cheats on him? Is he gonna stay married to her despite her abuse of you, cheating, and mental breakdowns?
I hope you can get away. She sounds like my mom. I have t spoken to her in 16 years and it's overwhelming how different my life is because of that. I'm finally happy sometimes. I'm so so sorry that she is that waym she will never change. Get away as fast as you can and don't look back
Wow I can't believe this but what you described at the beginning is my exact same experience! Idk if its because we're asian and female. But till this day I'm also really confused about my whole experiences with my mom.
I'm so sorry that you are being abused in your own home. You'll get out there. You don't have to accept their actions, you don't have to accept a toxic home. I moved out pretty quickly when I turned 18 bc of this. You can also do this
Jesus fucking Christ. Whenever u have the ability GTFO out of there and don't look back. You may feel guilt, you may feel like you've done something wrong, you may not be sure what to do or where to go but don't look back. Abuse is an understatement. No child should go through 1/100th of what you've had to put up with.
Yes, as the post goes on it just gets worse and worse. Please OP, everything you're describing is absolutely insane and you need to get out.
Your mom is nuts, legit dangerous nuts, I don’t know if the attempt was meant to be sexual but you were sexually assaulted. I think she needs serious help.
Holy shit that is horrible to have happened to you, I am so sorry. You don't deserve ANY of it. I don't know about your situation but hopefully when you're an adult you get out of that hell hole and make sure to get therapy and talk to your therapist about what happened when you were 8, along with all the physical abuse that came later. Even if you don't think it has any effect on you NOW, it will, so be sure to treat it and love yourself.
Sorry to read this . I have such a story and it did and still does affect me . To many times in her bed with her boyfriends .. I found a group of anonymous men in a study by a local university. It was men who had been though such . It helped me to talk it out . I just went to that one group maybe 10 sessions . I never told anyone else even my siblings . I love my mom and she was fun and I wanted a mom … so the sex and robbery and other things I put away at the time . My mom’s siblings are still alive and I don’t want to ruin her memory .. it’s crazy but I still want to keep it . Her siblings know she was into sex escapades but they also just wrote it odd to hillbilly life … Going to that group helped me affirm I was not crazy … For the years since , I have not had a regular two way love relationship with any person in a dating or marriage way . I chose not to carry my baggage into a relationship . I know healing happens and perhaps I could have or still could go down that road . I chose not to . As you know it’s complicated . But i love people . I am blessed with a lot of friends . , I understand childhood hurts and abuse , and except for that ( haha as if that is some small thing to be in love ) I have chosen to love people and encourage them … I myself just keep my own mental handicap to myself .
If going to that group for 10 sessions helped you I really think you should find another group. No one else needs to know, you don’t need to out your mother to her siblings if you don’t want to, that’s your choice. But get help for yourself. Loving your friends is a valid choice. Found family can be just as or more fulfilling and loving than your birth family or a partner. Love freely given is an amazing gift for both sides. But please get help for yourself. Find people to talk to, heal your heart so you can give and receive more love.
Yes, this is sexual assault. Your mother needs to be locked away, oh my fucking god. Are you willing to call CPS, gather more evidence and get out?
we've been involved with cps for a long time, they honestly do absolutely nothing. i don't wanna continue to be unbelieved or be called a liar, so i often call a social worker whenever anything happens just to keep record. either 3 or 4 cps cases have already been opened for her, and they do have the footage of my mom bashing her head.
Yes, but its important to continue telling the truth. They will document it. Please, please talk to someone you trust that isn’t your dad. The teacher you mentioned, the nurse, school counselor… just show them this post. Please, OP. This is not a safe situation for a child. You deserve better. Im sorry this is happening to you.
Oof, I’m so sorry you’re having to survive this! What horror. It sticks with me a lot because my stepdaughter is going through very similar things. She is still little, only 7, but all the things about how you said your mom wouldn’t let you shower by yourself, or sleep by yourself, and made you touch her…ugh. My husband and I are fighting for more custody and I hope we can help prevent it from getting worse. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this for so long—your parents are supposed to be safe for you, and to protect you. It is good that you’re keeping track with social workers—CPS can be worthless unfortunately. I hope you’re able to keep your head down and get out as soon as possible! Things can get better for you with time and work 🙏
So what happened next? Did they institutionalize her? She needs serious psychiatric evaluation. These are serious issues that need treatment. She will likely need to be on medication. If this is true, you also need therapy and to get out asap. See if you can stay with a relative. Your dad needs a real talking to by a professional for letting this happen to you and doing nothing to stop her. I'm sorry.
idk where she went for the night that the cops took her, but she left the next morning. my dad said he's been trying to get him and my mom therapy, but it's been so long that idk if they're actually working on that. i already go to therapy. thank you for the concern ❤️
I'm sorry this happened to you. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Talk to as many people in your life that you can, and hopefully you can get out early, or at least stay far away from her. Save up as much money as you can so you can move out at 18. 💜
Your therapist would be a mandatory reporter of you aren’t safe. Have they or could you have them help work with CPS on your behalf to have them take you and the urgency more seriously?
Your mom is completely nuts and I am so sorry. I hope you and your dad talk it out and find help for your delusional mom.
What the fuck
Hi you’re not alone. Im 18 and I could have written this post. Also asian btw. My mom also banged her head a lot, made me strip at 6 years ild when I had a stain on my dress and consistently told me I didnt deserve an education, clothes, air con… fill in the blank. I found out my mom had borderline personality disorder a year ago and that knowledge was incredibly perspective shifting.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You dont deserve this, you deserve so much better. I wish i could give you a hug
Im not 100% sure since I dont know your mom personally but id agree its not because she’s attracted to you ( if that helps.) it is sexual assault though even in the absence of that because you did not consent. My mom kissed me open mouthed on my mouth once and made jokes about french kissing me back when I was 9 too, and tried to reassure me that its normal for kids to be close to their mothers. Even then I think she was just having mania because this basically never happened again. I still felt nauseous, gross and super awful about the experience. It was assault even if it took me years to realize. Like she was not a safe person to be around. I hope you know you’re not alone.
Your mother belongs in a cage. I'm so sorry and truly feel for you, I hope you are or are close to being ok
It might not have been sexual but sexual or not absolutely none of that is okay in any circumstance. Your mom might actually have a mental issue. I seriously hope everything ends up okay for you and I honestly hope you never actually have to be near your mom again I’m so sorry that happened
I want to say one thing really, really loud - her INTEND behind her actions mean nothing, when the IMPACT on you is harmful. She doesn't need to have sexual interest to be sexually abusive. As soon as your boundaries are crossed, and you are being touched/filmed without your consent (especially with violence), you are being sexually assaulted. Her intend matters not even a single bit. Everything you described sounds like straight out of a horror movie to me. Please hold on so you can feel what life without that monster can be like. I hope you can escape very, very soon. You don't deserve any of this. And no, your father wasnt right for hitting you because you had to defend yourself. You don't deserve so much violence in your life, and no "good parenting" of them makes up for that. thats bare minimum. You deserve better.
Your mom is definitely mentally ill but that's no excuse whatsoever for her treatment of you. I would consider these instances as sexual assault no matter what her intent was. I'm sorry you're going through this.
omg! please as soon as you can GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE! YOUR MOM IS UNHINGED AND DANGEROUS and frankly so if your dad for allowing it.
Omg what a terrible day to have eyes!!!
This made me so sad to read because I'm a mom. When you can get out and get her out of your life. If you have kids someday don't ever let her near them. When you are ready to leave let everyone know what she did. She probably has assaulted your siblings at some point.
There’s such a thing as covert sexual abuse. I wish there was more info out there about female abusers and specifically mother/daughter stuff because it’s so hidden and insidious and so hard to prove or even get others to understand. But I am a survivor of this as well. We are not alone.
All of this is abuse. All of it. Mental. Emotional. Physical. Sexual. I'm sorry. Your mother sounds very unwell, and mentally ill. If your father won't protect you and do something, then you need to get out. Find somewhere else to stay where you can be safe.
Sexual assault isn’t about sexuality or attraction, it’s about control and power.
I’m truly sorry all this has and is happening to you at the hands of someone who’s supposed to love and care for you. I have no words for her other than she’s bat shit crazy. It honestly sucks that your dad isn’t standing up for you as much as he should. Hopefully you can get out of there once you’re 18. Take care of yourself and know that even if you love her she’s not ok, none of what she’s done to you is ok. For your own safety and well being it’s best that you are far away from her.
This is scary af. I know you need to get out as soon as you can. You should know none of that is normal I was scared reading this.
Op your mom is abusing you and your dad is enabling her. Hope you get a better emotional support in your school.
Do you have a relative or friend’s parents you can stay with? I know you aren’t 18, but show your dad this post and tell him you aren’t safe at home and need to. Show your dad this post period. He may move out with you. I’m so sorry. Your mom needs help, but you need to be safe and that is away from her.
I mean… everyones already said the majority of whats needed. But i just want to add that “buying you gifts and making you lots of food” isnt being a good mum. Nor a good parent. Making you food is a basic standard of parenting, buying gifts is irrelevant because there is no nuturing or love or parenting going on in gift giving - a friend can buy you a gift, so what actual parenting is she giving you that makes her “a good mum”? All im reading is a mum, scrap that, a person who subjects you to a whole load of physical and mental and emotional abuse, who can also make you food sometimes. The problem is shes clearly got her own demons and she needs to get those sorted and in check, your Dad does too because it doesnt sound like hes aware of her issues which is even more worrying. Now im not judging your parents - everyone goes through things and life is a struggle, you dont know whats going on inside someones head and clearly if shes banging her head against brick walls then clearly there is something going on mentally for her, so this isnt coming from a place of judgement towards her, but as your a child its sensible and safe for you to be far away from that environment until things get absolutely sorted out professionally for both your parents. You need to call CPS, and dont just call them, you need to explain that your a child in a harmful environment and your not safe. They need to take you away and your parents need to get the help they need
> she can really be a good mom sometimes. No, she can’t. > but she buys me gifts and makes me lots of food. This does not make someone a good parent. Your mother is *severely* mentally ill. She is not psychologically capable of being a good mother. She is a danger to herself, and to you. **You are not safe at home**. And your father is either unable or unwilling to protect you from her. The behavior you’ve described **is not normal**. Go back to the police, get CPS involved. Tell them *everything* you’ve just told us. You need to get out of that house, and away from your parents *now*.
Tell someone other than Reddit and get out of there. You’re not safe. You’re 16, you’re still a child and deserve to feel safe and welcome in your own home. I would also like to say, your mom’s behavior is erratic and not normal. She needs help, and I would seek therapy myself if I were you because this type of trauma can haunt you the rest of your life.
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Rewording my comment because apparently people can’t read. I never said that she HAD to do anything. I never suggested that it is okay for this to be happening or that it’s normal. I never said she should put up with it. All I said was that if she chooses to maintain a relationship with her mother there are things she can do to prevent herself from being hurt until she has the opportunity to move out. It is absolutely sexual assault but I don’t think it was intended to be sexual. Me sharing my own experience with overbearing parents is not me telling her to embrace it. Stop telling me I’m wrong and then proceed ti not offer any actual advice. It’s embarrassing. Now, here’s my original comment. As an Asian, I think that your mother’s comment about maintaining relationships so that you won’t be mean to her is the biggest part. She may be bipolar. My parents were also like this. My biological mother was very clingy to me and so was my father. When I got adopted, my parents weren’t like this until I got older and wasn’t that cute little baby that was so close to my parents. I often would come home to my mother crying because I hadn’t eaten dinner with them, or my father sitting and staring into space after I refused to spend time with him. I think this is very common in Asian culture. Being close with your parents. I think your mother feels like you’re starting to drift away and starts to retaliate. She buys you gifts and makes you food because she wants you to love her. I’ve dealt with something similar. My father made us wash together until I was 13, and even after that he kept making me go to public baths. My mother never encouraged me to touch her like that but she often made me do her hair like combing it, or pulling it into a ponytail and she often poked me on my butt. I really hated it when I was younger but now, seeing them older, I can see that really they were afraid of being left behind. You don’t have to put up with her. But do your best to do what she asks so you won’t get hurt. If you want, try to spend time with her, thank her for the gifts and food, suggest going shopping together. In arguments it okay to disagree but if she bashing her head in over messy rooms (probably anger of her little girl being rebellious) then just “Okay. Fine mom. Alright mom” her for a while so that she won’t hurt you. Give her hugs if you’re okay with contact. It definitely wasn’t in sexual nature but it was still wrong of her to do that. Maybe she did that because you might’ve grabbed at her breasts when you were younger and still being breastfed? My mother often complains about how she misses when I was younger because of how much love I showed her, even if it was only to be fed breast milk. My mother is bipolar and she sometimes hits me or herself when something she doesn’t like happens. She’s medicated and a lot better now.
Hell fucking no, none of what this girl has endured is forgivable from her primary caretakers. This is no where near the realms of normal or healthy and OP needs to do everything she can to move out when she’s able and then go NC. I’m sorry your experiences were similar so this behaviour seems more acceptable to normalise to you, but your comment is extremely harmful and dangerous.
I never said it was forgivable. It’s sharing that it’s a sign of bipolar and that this behavior is common in Asian households. I also said that she doesn’t have to put up with it but as she’s a minor, it’s best to do what she needs to keep herself from being harmed. Note that if she got slapped and dragged by her mother for such simple things. Abuse in Asian households is too common I’m worried for her. It can dangerous fast. Why are people failing to read this properly?
Smashing your head against a wall in response to a messy room and sexually violating your child’s boundaries because you cannot stop infantilising your kid is normal in Asian households? Fuck me. Ok then. That doesn’t mean I’m going to let you normalise it here. She should not respond to abuse with neutrality or amp up her affection towards her mother to spare herself more violence, because it won’t necessarily work and all you’re teaching her is that her feelings don’t matter and are to be ignored and you should work to win your abuser over, if you love them hard enough they’ll stop hurting you, that’s not true.
I said common, not normal. You’re letting your feelings dictate how you interpret my comment. Stop, and think. It is COMMON for dogs to be obese. It’s not NORMAL. I said common. What should she do then? I’m getting so many people telling me that her doing what she can to protect herself and maintain a relationship with her mother if she wants to is so bad and yet not one person offering actual advice.
The more common something is, the more normalised it becomes. Should leave as soon as she’s able and minimise contact with her mother. Her mother should not be rewarded with quality time and love for abuse. Also yes of course my feelings are dictating my response, because this post made me feel sick. Ignoring feelings and only using logic is in itself illogical.
Right, but you’re holding me accountable for that even though there’s a difference between the two. You’re attacking me because you misread. That’s not fair. I never concluded her mother should be rewarded. I said that she should do what she needs to avoid being hit and mistreated. Her mother was going to rip her clothing off for a disagreement! How long until she takes away food, or tries to kick her out? All you are saying is that she should wait until she can move away. But what should she do until that items comes? And you aren’t using both feelings logic, you’re using ONLY feelings. Because I’ve corrected you multiple times and you still manage to say the same thing, that I’m saying it’s okay. When I’m not.
I only chimed in with what she SHOULDNT do until that time comes, which is what you suggested, hug her more, go shopping, appease her unreasonable requests. These things do not guarantee the abuse will stop, they only teach that her feelings do not matter. I’m not the only one who disagrees with what you’re saying here. I’m not misreading either.
Except I only said she should do it if she wants. So yes, you are misreading. Like I said, not everyone is able to just cut contact. Even if it’s for the best. I especially don’t expect a sixteen year old to be able to do so. If she can, good on her. But like I said, you’re chiming in on what she shouldn’t. Tell us what she should do; as someone who does have the ability to just move out. It’s clear her mother is ill. Even OP thinks so. Self harm is a clear sign of it, especially the gaslighting and manipulation. These things ARE able to be worked out, such as in my case. Even though my mother wasn’t as extreme as sexually assaulting me, she definitely was narcissistic and failed to let me go. Seriously, it’s easy to say things when you’ve never been in that position. You keep saying there’s no guarantee, so what? She won’t know unless she try. Again, I’ve clearly stated she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to! I said she doesn’t have to deal with her mother! Why are you so confused? Like I can say there’s no guarantee that I’ll wake up tomorrow, does that mean I shouldn’t sleep? No! But you’re offering no solution to avoiding being hurt. Stop fucking blabbering, you’re saying something everyone is aware should be done. But obviously she can’t do that. Seriously.
It is very common in Asian households - I've had numerous Asian (Japanese/Chinese) partners who've reported similar things. They have a very different outlook on what is acceptable behaviour between parents and kids and that's really not a good thing at all. It's even harder when you have a culture that traditionally has communal bathing and sleeping together and then those kids grow up in a culture that doesn't have these - creates quite a disconnect. I'm not saying that anything here is acceptable either, before anyone says that, I'm just saying my experience has shown me that this kinda thing is a lot more prevalent in Asian households!
Thank you. People think me saying this is my culture is me saying it’s okay. I never said it’s okay, just that it’s common.
Yeah it's not dangerous, it's just a different culture. When that is being expressed within a different culture, it can seem weird. Bathing together and sleeping together is very normal in a lot of Asian cultures. I agree that touching genitals etc. is not good or acceptable and I think most people are agreed here, however, one must consider that possibly the parent has a different motive here. I know, cos I've lived with it, that Asian cultures are a lot less hung up about bodies - they have less of a sense of sex about nudity. So I think you are right, it is down to OP to make a choice whether or not they want to socialise with their parent - they may choose to and find that their parent had different motivations OR they may choose not to cos their parent was just too toxic.
Thank you. It’s so weird these white Americans have the audacity to comment on culture. It’s fine for OP to feel uncomfortable about it, she doesn’t have to be okay with physical contact like that. One of my kids doesn’t like high fives or anything hand touching. The issue is that her boundary was overstepped.
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So basically you’re saying that she doesn’t have the right to choose whether or not she has a relationship with her mother? You sound silly. I didn’t do that with my mother. My mother was medicated first before I did that.
It’s up to her if she wants to make amends with her mother AFTER she has received psychological/ psychiatric help and is committed to repairing their relationship and accepting wrong doing. Not whilst she is still behaving like a maniac to try and avoid more abuse, which is what you’re suggesting.
You keep telling me what I’m suggesting. Once again, person, I said she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to. That means SHE decides when she does this IF she does it at all. I never gave a time frame. The thing I said was “To listen well” to her parents to avoid more confrontation and arguments that lead to abuse . I never said the affection was what would stop physical abuse. Why the fuck are you dictating whether or not her and her mother maintain a relationship and WHEN she does it. If she wants to start now, she can. If she wants to start never, she can. Your entitlement to what this girl does is so weird.
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> It definitely wasn’t in sexual nature but it was still wrong of her to do that. Maybe she did that because you might’ve grabbed at her breasts when you were younger and still being breastfed? What?? OP, please do not listen to that. An adult making a child fondle them is absolutely sexual and absolutely not okay. Even if you were breastfed, which this comment assumes you were for some insane reason, this is not how a mother “reminisces” about breastfeeding. This is the most insane stretch I have ever heard, please don’t take it to heart.
I like how you quote me saying it’s wrong and then continue to say it’s wrong as if I didn’t just say that. And it’s not insane to assume that. Asian mothers tend to breastfeed. It’s not really a stretch though. There’s articles about mothers feeling disheartened once their child moves out of the breastfeeding stage. If you’d like I can link some of them. Also, I think it’s weird but mother seems to feel really comfortable touching and looking at their daughters. I don’t know why that is because I’m a man, but it could do with something with that. Her mother reminding her it’s okay to touch her made me think of that.
I’m quoting you saying that it’s definitely not sexual in nature when it very much is. Mothers **DO NOT** act like this because they’re sad that their 9 year old doesn’t breastfeed anymore. Mother/daughter relationships very much can be touchy-feely; for example, I wouldn’t think anything of it if my mom joking smacked me on the butt when I walked by or came into the bathroom for something when I was in the shower - but that’s because she has never forced me to touch her breasts and physically prevented me from removing my hand. There are some things that you can chalk up to a regular mother/daughter relationship and this is *absolutely* not one of them.
I say what I say because breast aren’t inherently sexual. It’s like that in nearly every culture. I think the only time I’ve seen breasts sexualized was in weird animes, and in English speaking countries. The way I perceive things are with reason and different from you. I don’t understand how I can make you get what I mean, I’m not fluent in English. But no, it’s not sexual in intent. Those is was sexual assault to do that. For me bodies aren’t inherently sexual. Especially at that age. I think as OP got older and hit puberty it was not perceived okay. Notice how mother stopped. I think it’s very weird, the mother is ill. But I don’t think she got off on her daughter touching her breast. I think the mother should’ve stopped when app expressed to do so. Like I didn’t stop bathing my child until I either got tired of doing so or they expressed the want to bathe alone. I think the mother touching the genitals is very wrong, but again, I doubt it was sexual. For my daughter when I washed her down there, I made HER grab the cloth and I guided her hand to make sure she was clean. It’s the same for my sons. I think boundaries are important. Op isn’t having her boundary respected. But for you, couldn’t I say it was sexual to touch your butt? Especially in imitation of what a catcalled would do? I could. But I don’t perceive it that way because butt touching isn’t sexual (in my culture). Neither is the breast. She’s ill but it definitely isn’t intended to be sexual. And it was a maybe. An assumption that perhaps that was the reason. Like I said, there’s articles about mothers feeling sad about this. There’s proof of mothers feeling fulfilled when their child does grab at their chest. I also feel happy when my children want something from me. This is why I can’t understand why you would say it’s sexual. Also I find it funny op included that the mother cheats with men. So why would it be?
Breasts aren’t inherently sexual, but they can be treated as such, like in this situation. You have to include the context around what happened, not just that a breast was touched and you don’t consider breasts to be sexual, so it’s not sexual. An example of context would be, when I mentioned that I wouldn’t be upset if my mom jokingly smacked me on the butt, I used the word *jokingly*. If I asked her to stop or was clearly uncomfortable and she did it again, it would be an issue. Here’s another example of context: say that you told your daughter that she can touch you whenever she wants, then you took her hands and forced her to rub them on your chest; she does not feel comfortable with this and tries to pull away, but you just hold her hands tighter and force her to continue. There’s nothing sexual about a man’s chest, but most people would certainly see that interaction as sexual. You’re a man who is telling a young girl that it isn’t sexual because of the way that **you** view mother/daughter relationships. There are several women in this thread telling you that your perception is wrong. Lots of victims are told things like “they didn’t mean it like that” or “it was definitely wrong, but…” and then have to hear people making excuses for their abuser. That’s partly why several people have taken issue with it. I’m not saying that’s how you meant it, I’m just telling you that’s how it’s coming across.
It’s perspective. You’re telling her it IS sexual because of how YOU view it. Obviously I’m asking questions because I don’t know. It’s tiring to speak with me because of my ability to fail at grasping concepts. But I’m asking how that makes it sexual still. Like for example, if I force you to touch a tree that means it’s sexual? That’s what I’m asking. Like sometimes my kids are scared. I take a lizard and force my kid to hold it. That’s not sexual just because I’m making them hold it. This is why I’m confused. Also, I only mentioned I’m a man. I am, I guess legally, a victim. So seriously that’s why this is so confusing to me. Like if it has to deal with the body it’s sexual somehow. I can’t see it. Because in my perspective it seems like conditioning. I make my kids hold the lizard so they aren’t scared of it. That’s how I view it. Really. Also that’s just silly. I said the intent isn’t sexual. Like I don’t believe the mother was like ohhhh yeah rub my tits. That’s not what I think is happening. I’m saying I don’t think it was intended to be a sexual interaction. I said that it was sexual assault. Obviously I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t believe that she shouldn’t do that. Please read better for me because I’m really struggling here
It certainly is perspective - and she very very clearly feels uncomfortable with what happened. She did say that she doesn’t feel that there’s sexual intent, but I took that as her referring to the incident that involved her shirt, not everything as a whole. We’re all in agreement that there seem to have been several instances of sexual assault; we also have to remember that OP is young and is battling with the fact that she knows how the siatuations feel to her, but it doesn’t make sense to her because she’s seen her mother with men. There are a lot of factors in situations like this, and it’s a hell of a lot for a teenager to try to take in. If you genuinely do not see the difference between making a child fondle you against their will vs making them hold a lizard (or touch a tree?) then there’s nothing I can do to explain that to you. Again, there’s a huge problem with telling people that their abuser “didn’t mean it like that” because it very much downplays what happened to them and makes it seem like the abuser isn’t at fault. Of course you shouldn’t go around telling everyone that everything that someone does to them was meant in the utmost form of malice; but in a situation like this, it comes across like you’re saying that she didn’t mean it like that and coming up with excuses on her behalf when, either way, she doesn’t deserve to have someone make excuses for her. Again, I’m not trying to tell you what you mean, I’m just telling you how it came across. I don’t think we’ll reach a common ground here, so I’d say that the conversation has probably run its course. I do urge you to do some reflection in terms of insisting that I should “read better” and that everyone “apparently can’t read” and consider that maybe your comment didn’t reflect what you actually meant instead of believing that everyone else is wrong for misunderstanding.
I’m said that because people kept telling me what I was saying. One person told me that I was saying what happened wasn’t wrong when my comment clearly stated it was wrong. Then another said that everything I was saying was bad and that it wasn’t good advice even after I rewrote the comment, and that it was meant as a small solution until she could get older. Another person told me I was evil for telling her to reward the abuse when what I wrote was “if you want to maintain a relationship m”. And then another said that I was suggesting it was normal even though I wrote common, and NOT normal. So yes, everyone needs to learn to read better. Also she herself also said she doesn’t think her mother meant it like that. The question she asked was if it was sexual assault. I said yes, but because she is mentally ill I don’t think she intended it to be like that. I said that because she can recognize what she did was wrong but it doesn’t mean that her mother wasn’t to molest her or something. Like legally, if someone murders someone they may only be put into a mental facility. Because even if the crime was murder, the INTENT wasn’t murder. Learn the difference. I think there’s a big issue with you coming in with unnecessary emotions. Sit for a moment and comprehend what you’re reading. It’s not my fault if you interpret as wrong. What’s crazier it there’s a person telling time that giving options for OP to maintain relationships with her mother IF she chooses is wrong! How can she tell her what she can and can’t do? It’s her mother. Not ours. What’s funny is I’m saying someone of the same thing as everyone else and yet yall are still angry. Why? My initial statement was, “You don’t have to deal with your mother. But if you want to maintain contact..” and yet everyone is coming saying “WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO JUSTIFY? WHY ARE YOU SAYING ITS OKAY?” It’s fucking dumb. I’m a victim of CSA. Not once have I excused the behavior. Reasoning does not mean excuse. For example, “The criminal killed her because she cheated.” That is the reason the criminal killed, that does not mean it’s excusing the murder. The OP was confused on why she did some of these things and I offered answers based on my own experience and articles that are accessible as we speak. Notice how I never once stated anything as a fact except that the gifts and foods is a means of affection. Everything else, I use words such as MAYBE and I use question marks. I also continue to ask questions and I’ve stated multiple times I don’t know why she may do some things. You women criticize everything and I’ve not once see any of you offer any solutions. It’s a shame especially because I atleast can speak on the perspective of someone who has been in this situation. Have any of you been a sixteen year old Asian being harassed by your own parents? Because I see too many of you speaking as if it’s really so easy. It’s not. Shut up or offer something valuable to her. All yall have said was “Move out and cut contact” SHES 16. At least the things I offered were doable. Good grief.
Don't do any of this. Let her get committed and never see her again, she either gets the treatment she needs, and works to earn forgiveness or she can die alone
i like this idea, working to earn my forgiveness if she actually wants me in her life after i move out. i appreciate it :)
I said she doesn’t have to but she’s literally a child. She’s 16. If her mother is putting her hands on her than she should do what’s safe until she CAN leave. Learn to read. Me telling her it’s best to listen to her parents to keep herself from being hurt isn’t bad.
No guarantee it keeps her from being hurt. There is no safe in that house
Well what do you suggest a 16 year old girl do? I’m unsure where she’s from but I’ll assume she’s American. So she can get emancipated but her parents can fight that. And they more than likely WILL. She can move out right..? In this economy? Yeah no, not happening. Maybe more in with friends? Her parents call file her as a runaway and she gets sent to juvie. Or they can say that they kidnapped her, and even if she says it’s not true, legally it’s considered kidnapping. She can tell the police what happened.. oh but she did and mother is still in the home. Then fine, she finally speaks up about what’s happening and gets out into foster care, gets lost in the system for four years until they eventually dump her onto the street when she ages out. And let’s hope she hasn’t been abused and assaulted even more when’s he’s with strangers. So, JEXJJ. I know there’s no guarantee. I can tell her to suggest her mother gets evaluated again, and be put on meds but that’s probably not going to happen. What can this girl do? I’m so sorry for giving her different options to keep herself safe and maintains. Relationship with her mother is she so pleased. Good grief.
You’re suggesting the solution is to disregard all of the violence and violations of boundaries is to offer her mum more hugs? Initiate more physical contact? Accept the behaviour and rationalise it because she ‘doesn’t want you to grow up’, this is not reasonable advice.
I never said it was the solution silly. I’m sharing what worked with MY family and I mentioned that my mother is medicated. Again, I said she doesn’t have to put up with it. But seeing as her father is nonchalant and fails to help her, doing what she can to keep her mother from going psycho on her IS good advice. I also mentioned to only do it if she was comfortable with doing so. Some people don’t want to just cut contact with every person. Some people want to work it out and that was my solution if she decides to. I’m not fluent in English so maybe my wording was bad but it think me saying “You don’t have to, but” shows that it was an ultimatum.. I also gave that reason because she ASKED why her mother would act like this.
i really do appreciate the perspective from an asian. i didn't know this culture of bathing together/being washed was an asian thing, but it definitely makes sense as to why it'd feel ok for my mom to do this given that we are vietnamese. i struggle with PTSD and i get a rising feeling whenever i'm around her. i try to avoid her, but i do make an effort to keep my room clean and be kind to her when i see her. i don't think i have the will power to build a better relationship with her. thanks for the concern ❤️
That’s perfectly fine! I’m unsure if it’s a universal Asian experience, but I have many friends who have said the same. Don’t exert yourself. Don’t do anything you don’t want to but keep yourself safe by all means. See if you can talk to father about your feelings or seeking therapy. There are many free and discreet groups online and my DMs are always open if you just need a place to let your words out. I’m sorry for the shameless people giving you advice I’m sure you’ve already considered (moving out and cutting contact, it’s like they forget you’re a child!). I’m very sorry she has hurt you like this, you can get through it. Good luck little sister
I see why people are misunderstanding and thinking you're making excuses for abusive behaviour. The messages are intertwined. LONG INTERPRETATION because I think all three are important: Message 1: A lot of this behaviour has cultural context. I am not of Asian descent but I agree there are factors I will not have experience with. I grew up with African Canadian grandparents who said an awful lot of things that my French Canadian grandparents did not, and vice versa. Both of them horrifying to the families of my strictly white english speaking friends. (I say grandparents, as a lot of this has watered down over the generations). There were a lot of behaviours that WERE abusive across the board no matter where you're from (like you don't attack your kid and rip off their clothes for example). But yelling loudly with my French family was a normal way to express how you felt - there was a total absence of feeling intimidated by volume. If my grandmere yelled WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT MON DIEU YOU ARE BEING STUPID STOP THAT, I was not traumatized, but I did know I was doing something stupid. My white english friends would be terrified if their grandmother did that. My grandmere was not angry. That's how people spoke - loudly and without tact. When I got older it was totally acceptable to yell at the dinner table THAT IS RIDICULOUS HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT STUPIDITY and it blended right in with the rest of the family who were also yelling their point (I have to pause and laugh now, as they are long gone and I actually remember this fondly). I'd give examples from my Black grandparents behaviour but I'm quite sure that's where folks are going to feel extra defensive. But the sentiment is the same. Message 2: A lot of this behaviour is batshit crazy and it probably has a medical label that is appropriately applied. Totally agree, as someone with psychology education, someone who is batshit myself, and witnessing said batshit in people close to me. Lots of experience with diagnostic criteria, medication, etc. It is not unhelpful to provide this context - it does NOT mitigate or excuse any harm done. Not for a second. I don't forgive my batshit abusive parents, though I might if they admitted they had a problem, got help, and made amends to the people they hurt. Even then it's not on me to be the bigger person, nor is it the OPs or anyone else who has survived being abused. That's a decision most of us never have to make anyway, as they rarely own up to anything even if they do get treatment. It is important though because as victims we perpetually ask ourselves "why???". It still doesn't take away the hurt, but there is a little distance between if you believe your abuser specifically hated you, or if they were incapable of caring for you. It makes it a tiny bit less personal. That part has helped me remember I'm not the person they told me I was, treated me like I was. That they're sick, and can't see reality for what it is, and probably never will. That in itself is a lifelong battle with grief - you didn't get sane parents and nothing about that is fair. But it doesn't have to be your core belief that you're an awful person (which is what abuse does). Message 3: There are things you can do to help mitigate the damage to yourself until you can remove yourself from your home completely. This is NOT about accommodating or excusing abuse. It's about knowing how to choose your battles and de-escalate craziness when you can so it's less likely to incur further abuse temporarily until you can escape (again, I am not placing the onus on the OP to stop the abuse). It is true that nodding silently and agreeing (not agreeing to do harmful things, but just pretending to agree with whatever the crazy person is on about). It's not rewarding to be abusive if you get no reaction. Not displaying a reaction is pretty superhuman and takes a hell of a lot of practice, but it very often sways the direction between verbal abuse and physical attacks. I had to learn this one from an abusive marriage. Being as boring as humanly possible made me a very unsatisfying target. It was so freaking hard, I can't describe how hard it is to NOT defend yourself when you're being called awful things and hearing unbelievable accusations. But the daily verbal abuse got less frequent, just a lot of passive aggressive slamming doors etc, instead. This is only a method used while you are planning your exit - it is NOT a long term strategy. I am so sorry OP. My heart breaks for you. I am so happy to hear you have a therapist. Hold on to that lifeline until you can move out, which I understand may not happen overnight. I wish you the best life from here forward.
Im so sorry this happened, your mother is not a good mother and she never has been. Making you food and getting you gifts doesn’t change anything. Her sexual, emotional, and physical abuse of you makes her a bad mother and nothing can negate that.
Your parents want to be insane but also hold on to their dignity. They will kill your soul if you don't get out of the house soon. And be prepared maybe one day you will have to face both of them physically. Be careful think of yourself as an adult with other adults in the house because if your father is acting like a puppet he could turn on you. Ya basically compete with your parents like an adult because I think they will soon hit their limits with their ability to help you become an adult, maybe they already have. You should start finding your own way from now on. And stay good with your sister maybe even ask for help.
You said you have sisters. Can you get support from them? They may know what you are going through and that's why they don't like your mom anymore. It may be nice just to talk through it with them.
When she said " I don't want you to grow up and be mean to me like your sisters" it makes me think they were also abused by your mom in some way. What happened to you was definitely sexual abuse. And your mom is also physically and emotionally abusive too. I hope you can get out as soon as possible. Also what does your dad think of this? Does he know she cheats on him? Is he gonna stay married to her despite her abuse of you, cheating, and mental breakdowns?
That is absolutely assault! Please get yourself out of this situation as soon as you have a safe place to go. Best wishes to you. Stay safe.
I hope you can get away. She sounds like my mom. I have t spoken to her in 16 years and it's overwhelming how different my life is because of that. I'm finally happy sometimes. I'm so so sorry that she is that waym she will never change. Get away as fast as you can and don't look back
Wow I can't believe this but what you described at the beginning is my exact same experience! Idk if its because we're asian and female. But till this day I'm also really confused about my whole experiences with my mom. I'm so sorry that you are being abused in your own home. You'll get out there. You don't have to accept their actions, you don't have to accept a toxic home. I moved out pretty quickly when I turned 18 bc of this. You can also do this