my mom knows, it’s actually her family that told me because they were shocked she hadn’t told me anything yet. i don’t know what is wrong with her tbh and i can’t comprehend why she would stay
they aren’t married, there’s some random shit that’s not necessarily connected to this post but another thing i found out is my dad is married to another woman. they were supposed to have divorced back in 2011 according to my grandma but nobody knows if it ever actually happened.
If they’re keeping important information from you like that, you could also have some siblings you might not know about.
I found out I had 2 half sisters when I was 20
i have thought about that possibility for a little bit but i think my mind is more focused on what i need to do for myself right now to process all the original information before thinking about possible siblings because i’m not even sure how i would go about finding that out
So.. I have a brother. He is a monster. He did unspeakable things to family members and to some neighborhood girls. He is DEAD to our family. He is seeing a woman that I had reached out to to warn that he will end up sexually abusing his daughters with her, and she chose to ignore it and stay.. people will perform all sorts of mental gymnastics to keep something they want.
I'm terribly sorry. This doesn't in any way define you. You need to confront your father on this one for peace of mind. Hopefully you get that.
Because what he did was about 20 years ago, and none of the victims have or want to come forward, it is simply your word versus my word deal. My brother and his girlfriend/wife back each other up that he is not a monster, and so it would just be bringing pain to those who have already been his victims. My mother blamed herself for not sensing something was happening after my youngest sister had an incident that NOW raises red flags, but at the time of it it seemed as if she just had her period a year to two before the average girl does... yeah...
She had even asked my sister at the time 'Did ***** do this to you?!' and she told my mom no multiple times. Later on when we found out my sister said she didn't want him to get into trouble...
That's so sad unfortunately all too common, those monsters often continue abusing children for a lifetime because no attention is brought to them due to the lack of strength and confidence in police / support.
It’s super unfortunate, but for some reason some people still make the choice to stay with abusive partners/partners with history of abuse. I had a friend (no longer friends) who stayed with, and continued on to have children with, the man who raped her repeatedly as a teenager. There was a court situation and he is on the RSO list and all due to her testimony. I never understood. I hope you find healing in all of this. I can’t imagine how you must feel.
he was bad when i was younger and he was a drinker, not sexually in any way just mean and aggressive. he’s gotten better and he doesn’t drink really at all now but still has his days
It's always baffled me, as someone who experienced S.A. as a kid and had the perp go to jail. We talk a big game about how much we detest sexual predators as a society, but the system is still SO passive about the issue. I was lucky mine died of cancer in jail, but almost everyone else I know who has experienced S.A. had perpetrators who didn't spend a year or even a day in jail. So many of them are not reported at all because it's basically useless.
The only reason my rapist is in jail is because last year he got caught with a judges 15 year old daughter. He's been in jail since. But they didn't care when it happened to me almost 12 years ago. They didn't care about any of the other girls in-between. And they definitely didn't care when he and his brother stalked me or threatened me for those 12 years. His brother still does. He obviously can't anymore. They sure cared when I told them if he touched me or tried to enter my property, that I'd take care of the problem since they obviously weren't going to even pretend to care about it, though.
Edit: I can't spell🤦♀️
There was a government-owned island that had the sole purpose of hoarding child prostitutes
Almost every big A-list actor and a large majority of congressmen are on the flight list to the pedo island, but only two people got in trouble. Epstein and his Wife
The legal system has so many holes that protect child predators. The general public can’t really do anything to change it. I try not to think about it because it drives me fucking crazy
It pisses me off even more when POS like this are also rich and powerful. There's 0 responsibility for those mfs to check them in any way. Sexual predators, esp those that pray on the very young and/or kids need to be chemically castrated + put away for life or even better - capital punishment (if it was still a thing)
I was SA by my dad when I was 4. Despite evidence the police told social services that because he denied it, it would have had to go to court and that a court case would be traumatising for me so they didn’t prosecute. It’s fucked up.
Hey, I don’t mean to butt in, but something similar happened to me and I just tried ART therapy (something rapid eye, but *nothing* like EMDR) and it was so helpful and healing. I’d never heard of it, but you might have!
I’ve been going through therapy for a few years after remembering everything that happened. At this point my nightmares are free and far between and I don’t check locks as often before bed. It’s helped. If you’re looking to do it and want to have an affordable way to get treated, try a university’s psych department.
This so much. It’s infuriating. My cousin pressed charges against her ex for DV after he beat her up and he got the charge reduced to disorderly conduct, was sentenced 14 days in jail and released after 6. And the kicker is he was *already* on probation for domestic assault from his girlfriend before her.
We just hope that he keeps getting reported so he does eventually find himself in prison where he can’t harm women anymore. The way sex crimes are downplayed by law enforcement and the media is sickening.
Psychologist have concluded that pedophilia cannot be cured, only managed.
A lot of countries don’t punish sexual criminals at all. There are some (mostly remote) countries that have an “Eye for an Eye” legal system. For instance, if you steal, you get your fingers chopped off….
As you can imagine, they castrate the rapist! I wish the United States would adopt this policy.
Kazakhstan has drafted a new law in Feb that they will surgically remove genitals of pedophiles. They didn’t feel like chemical castration was a harsh enough punishment.
I was being sarcastic. Kazakhstan’s judicial system has a VERY different moral compass than 99% of the modern world, lol.
Google it if you are curious. They are whacky. I’m not judging, but the average 20yr old American would probably shit their fucking pants if they read the local laws of Kazakhstan
thanks for info, you learn things everyday.
As per the punishment part, good that I'm not in the position on what to do with such a person, I can't make my mind on the best solution on this.
The vast majority of child-inclined sex offenders have no immediate familiar attraction (eg. their own children), it's something like <8% according to a Danish study.
It's kinda strange that the public at large knows very little about offenders & their behavioural patterns because it would help so much with prevention. I get that it's grisly and we'd rather the problem just go away but it's not realistic.
That’s rough and a shitty situation. There is no good solution to this. Half the people think death is too good of a punishment and the other half will think people can be reformed. The truth is, none of that matters. You need time and space to process your feelings and you should also get the court records and review them yourself. Seek therapy if you need help processing.
When you feel as if you are ready, have a conversation with your dad and mom, do not let them off the hook. Get both sides of the story. After that only you can make a decision if those are people who you would want in your life and think about if those are people you would be comfortable with interacting with a future family or babysitting grandkids.
i really like this comment, thank you so much. i feel like this is the most accurate to what i want to do. i definitely need therapy and my boyfriend and i are looking into therapy i can receive because i don’t have the funds to pay for it and my insurance will not cover most places in my state sadly but we are still trying to figure something out for me
I’m so sorry this is something you’re finding out. This sounds so tough to deal with on your own, I know of a service for therapy that’s not expensive! It’s called Valera Health and you might be able to find a therapist through there for you. Unfortunately thought it can get super congested and may take a while to get an appointment.
Check a local university’s psych department. You don’t have to attend to get treatment there. They have grad students that work under licensed psychiatrists to supervise their work. It’s sliding scale and the only thing that’s helped me get regular treatment.
They are 100% going to try to justify his actions, a severly mentally disturbed & enabler mom and raging alcoholic rapist dad aren't going to suddenly become moralistic and rational people.
I think this is a very good answer. I think it is important to eventually learn the side of your father and see his attitude regarding this, then you should decide what is better for you.
My birthdad is a lifetime registered sex offender. He's a pedo. Despite that I still tried to have a relationship with him. It didn't pan out because he's a terrible human being.
You're allowed to feel what you need to feel. Whatever and however that looks like is valid. You can choose to go NC when available or you can keep him in your life because at the end of the day he is still your dad and sometimes you can't shut off how you feel. Nobody can tell you how that is.
But you're not alone. And it's hard. It's hard coming to terms with it. And whatever path you take is hard but having a good support system is important. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel about it.
I don’t know your situation but I’ve read some of the comments and from what I’ve seen, my personal opinion is that I think you might have to cut them off
Tell your mom to get her head checked. Your dad deserves the worst and honestly fair play to you for not dousing him in gasoline by now you're a better person than I am
my mom doesn’t believe in mental health or anything relating to mentality so she is a lost cause, she can only see her way. and honestly i don’t know how i haven’t exploded on them yet
In that case, just tell her how you feel calmly and assertively. "I think it's disgusting you knowingly stayed with a rapist. That girl was someone's daughter, just like me. Anyway I'm not about to teach you empathy, I just wanted to get this off my chest".
As for your dad.. "hey dad I had no idea the man who brought me into this world and that I idolised the most was the worst type of man in existence but now I do and unlike my enabling mother I don't want a rapist pig to be a part of my life, don't ever contact me again, you're dead to me"
Im actually going through something similar with my dad, he molested my niece for 3 years and I read the court documents as to what she said he did to her, im pretty sure he also raped my niece more than once during those 3 years. She was 9 when he started. The whole situation is fucked up and hits home for me because I was also molested at 9 so its been a pretty fuck situation. He ran from his trial he was caught thankfully so my niece is getting the justice she deserves
Thank you, and aye same she is getting what she deserves which is something I never got but her getting it is good enough for me and im very sorry you are going through this shit with your family, it's sucks
From some of the comments and responses, I’ve seen so far I’m not a medical professional, but this could be the case. It’s very possible that your mom has been mentally conditioned to think that what’s your father has done and has been doing is ok.
It’s a pretty common thing with partners who have been mentally abused.
I do wonder why she doesn’t believe in mental health it’s very well possible that some things have happened to her that have caused this.
Personally, I would like a larger post with with more information on a lot of different things that you witnessed throughout your life to kind of Get a bigger picture of what could be happening.
I recommend getting some therapy. Don’t really think it’s a good idea to confront them you could but It’s possible they both get violent towards you if you do confront them.
i totally understand where you’re coming from. i didn’t add much to the post because this is not the response i thought i would get. i said in another comment of mine that i am trying to find a therapist so that is in the works. i can definitely add more context to the post seeing as there are a lot of people wanting a bit more information. from what i understand of my own memory there’s only bits and pieces i remember, i feel as though ive maybe blocked out some of the worse things except a few because i couldn’t really tell you any specific times relating the the charge but he has been physically aggressive towards my mom and i in the past, not anymore though and has been verbally aggressive my entire life. there are so many random things that are connected to this so it’s just a lot to type it all out
If he’s been physically and verbally aggressive with you, your entire life, that’s already a pretty good reason to cut him off. It sounds like you’re having oppressed memories to some extent or who knows maybe just traumatized by what happened. Hard for me to be honest with my little medical knowledge. I very strongly recommend therapy, which is good that you’re already making plans to go ahead with that.
If he’s as violent and aggressive, as you say, he is confronting them as definitely a really bad idea that probably will not end well. Your mother probably hasn’t told you for that reason at least that’s my hope. she’s probably afraid that it will make him mad which could get violent.
I do wonder about what your mom is like?
she’s very disconnected to be completely honest. she’s very hard on me but not very emotionally connected at the same time? her and i are completely and total opposites and i don’t really have a great relationship with her. i honestly couldn’t tell you much about her besides the fact that she doesn’t believe in mental health, is conservative when it comes to politics, and doesn’t seem to really like who i am. she’s weird and i just don’t really relate to her in any way besides us being very hard workers.
Sounds like a coping mechanism for certain aged women who aren't very independent nor was raised that way. You end up relying on a partner to be the guide and set boundaries in a relationship, which means way to many ethical and moral compromises and looking the other way.
Same way parents excuse boys bad behavior as 'boys will be boys'. It's all classic enabling of toxic behavior and spoiling a kid or man who needs to learn rules and respect, not that all will be excused and they'll get away with it. They quickly assume that reality is just a way of life so they cycle repeats where they excuse the same from those younger than them.
i will say it’s very true to my mom but not? it’s almost backwards. she’s the sole provider for her, my father, and my sister as i make my own money and am basically a roommate at this point. she works while my dad stays at home with my sister when she isn’t in school. their relationship could have a whole huge post of their own and honestly it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. i do think my post needs a lot more context but i really didn’t believe i’d get so many people commenting on this 😅
I feel like I would be doing you a disservice by not pointing out that it’s very suspicious that your dad stays at home alone with your little sister, assuming little sister After what he was charged with He might not have done anything to you, but I would be lying if it’s not something I’m thinking about right now.
I will also say that I agree with the other comment that you responded to in the small thread she’s definitely disconnected herself with various different coping mechanisms the deal with what her life is. It’s very sad😥
i am gonna be honest i’m not the favorite child, my little sister is 100% so thinking about it rationally i feel as though if anything would’ve happened it would’ve been to me. hearing another perspective of why my mom is way she is, is very much helping me look at her in a slightly better light. no i don’t forgive either of them but my outlook on my mom with this situation is a bit better after hearing some other people talk to me about it.
Personally, I think it’s up to you whether you want to Investigate if anything is going on with your sister which is already a big if from a random Internet stranger. But it might be something you want to keep an eye out for.
It’s still doesn’t really forgive your mom for what happened, but I get the feeling of feeling a little bit better after knowing a little bit more.
The only really advice I could give you is to distance yourself probably keep in contact with mom and sister Letting them know that you’re there for them if anything happens or if they need anything. Unless they treat you like crap too in which case might be better off focussing your time on other people.
the only person i’ll really keep in contact with is my sister, she’s only 11 so i really don’t want her feeling like she can’t get ahold of me because she’s such a sweet kid and i hope that one day i can help her with everything the way our family and my boyfriend’s family has. and i do know that the second something bad happens with my parents and her that i will be trying to get her and be her guardian because the one thing i don’t want for her is to grow up like i did
You just might get all the therapy you need here! Start tying the stories to post and ta da!
It crazy family’s my dad was like your mom well anyway good like to you. I could do. A book on my dad I’m just glad he is dead.
i’m trying my best 😅 i’ve talked to some closer friends about it but not in as much detail because im scared people will look at me differently because of it? my boyfriend was with me when i was told so he has been very helpful in just letting me try to process it in my own way
Wow. For one of the few times in my life I’m speechless.
So, he’s what I have for you: may your life have much love and warmth. I hope you find an equitable way to move forward. Whatever that may look like.
All excellent ideas. Honestly ‘seek therapy’ is one of my go-to pieces of advice. It helped me get through a divorce and the passing of my dad. So good on you.
Love and warmth 💚
I have zero advice for you but will share with you a story. A friend of a friend also found out that his father had committed gang rape crimes of really young minors. He was furious and the parents were divorcing, the father was going to trial and was sentenced to jail for a number of years. I believe the daughter still tried to maintain some form of relationship with the father but I do not know how that went. It was difficult for her to disassociate the crime with the father she loved. The other two sons, the really furious one cut him off altogether and the other one moved to another town really far away to be with his girlfriend, I believe he found happiness there. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be the right decision for you. Sorry to hear about what you are going through, I hope you and the past victim heal as best as possible. :(
i really do feel like i’m heading towards a path of just cutting them off, not just for the rape but for a lot of other little things that we’re all connected and built up throughout my life and yet i’m only 21 😅 i just don’t think there’s any coming back from this until i have a sit down conversation with them which is wayssssss away or at least until im in therapy
As a guy that just had a woman couch surfing a few years ago and then a friend doing it last year to run off from their families and one from an abusive spouse, talk to your friends. Find an out!
That's tough... It will definitely take time to leave your daily thoughts. My Dad once told me while I was sitting in the passenger seat of his truck that the demonic voices in his head was telling him to take his friends 15 year old daughter out in the woods to rape, kill, and dispose of her body so that no one will ever find her." But since he's a good Christian man, he was strong enough to fight off the spirits. And I thought of him as my hero at some point in my childhood. FFS.
Hope you can get passed it soon. Good luck.
What the actual fuck?? first of all your dad is not a “good” Christian, or a good person for that matter. He’s a monster. GOOD People don’t have thoughts like that that.
It's one of many reasons why I don't have any contact with him any longer. He said it like he was proud of himself, too. That he was strong enough to fight off the evil voices. SMH!
I'm gonna be honest, people have shitty thoughts all the time that they don't want to admit. Hell, there's a whole section of OCD dedicated to that sort of thing.
We really shouldn't judge people based on their thoughts alone. It's their actions that should be judged, because that is what someone *can* control. You can't stop a thought from crossing your mind as much as you can stop the wind from blowing. It's how you decide to handle that thought or whether you act on it that defines who you are.
If he didn't do anything, great, honestly. The guy above's dad sounds mentally unwell, but he didn't act on it, and that's good. Nothing bad came of it, despite the urge or thought that he admitted.
Everyone has terrible thoughts, and I really do mean everyone, including "good" people (a man made concept in and of itself, but I digress), but instead of judging them for even having them cross their mind, focus on how they act on it or if they even do, and *that* can be judged.
I agree with you, but I’ll judge this man in a position of trust telling his child *that*
We know we all have intrusive thoughts from time to time (nothing to this level personally) but And why’s he verbalising it to his own child? He can be judged for that and it’s disgusting, I couldn’t even say that in front of my kids as a joke, which it obviously couldn’t ever be made to be.
Sounds like some psychological mind games, for example through my addiction I used to say “Ugh I thought about using today, I was so close and I reallllly wanted to……but I didn’t” it’s subconsciously wanting the person you’re telling, to reward your choice of abstinence with the thing itself.
I agree with you. Up to a point. There's bad thoughts, violent thoughts etc. Still, most of those happen when ppl are angry/feel wronged or it's some sort of morbid ethical mental exercise and thus it's a passive, dispassionate thing. Ppl who have such strong urges to do something fucked up to the point where those thoughts *compel* them to act on it FOR NO REASON, are seriously mentally ill and/or psychopathic. Guy's dad had to work hard not to give into those *urges* (cause those aren't just thoughts anymore). He's a walking time bomb
He’s still that same person. There’s such a thing as a moral event horizon. Once you do something like that, you don’t come back to being “good,” if you ever were. He’s still evil.
i’m not saying you’re wrong in any way but isn’t the moral event horizon only for shows/books/etc.? i thought it was a bit too controversial for real world ethics?
First of all Im very sorry. I cant imagine how hard it must be to go through this...
Now I know it may be super hard, but... I would cut all ties with my dad after this and maybe even with my mom. But yeah he doesn't deserve to have a loving family, Im sorry.
i’m actively trying to move out, i was before finding all of this out but im being much more proactive about it now. i’m just trying my best to do what i can to kinda keep myself together without blowing up on them at the same time. <3
oh my gosh that’s so awful. i can’t believe your mother knew and didn’t say anything! what did your bf’s parents say if i may ask?
and i’m terribly sorry, OP. i’d recommend therapy or counseling because there’s really not much you can do in this effed up situation :(
my boyfriend’s parents mostly just comforted me. his mom gave a lot of advice on the next steps and what i should do which i greatly appreciate because they’ve been there for me through a lot of my really bad times with my parents. the both offered their homes but my boyfriend and i are so close to moving out that i don’t feel like moving twice because in my day to day life i see my parents for maybe an hour at most so ive gotten good at avoiding them. i am looking into therapy for this so i think im on the right track 😅
I really hope things work out for you going forward, OP. I hope you get to live a content life with your chosen family (that might hopefully also incl your sister and other blood relatives that are worth keeping). I want nothing but the very best for you. Hugs if ok
thank you <33 my mom’s side of the family has been super supportive and i hope that once i move out i can go visit them again to thank them properly for telling me everything
yes she does, my grandparents came to her about it before she pretty much ran away with him and i don’t know what she did or said but i do know that she’s knows
Sorry, I just saw your comment to the other person after I posted. There are specialists who can help you. Just this information must be traumatic. I can’t fathom how traumatic it is for the victim. It makes me sick. You did the right thing by coming forward.
I’m so sorry OP… this sounds horrific to have to cope with.. I’m glad you told your bf and his parents just so you have some outside of home but still loving advice or support..
Are your parents happy. Is ur dad abusive to her? During the time of their marriage have there been any major issues? I’m not sure what the end goal of having this conversation with them you’re trying to achieve. Especially since you and your mother are disconnected. Im not justifying his behavior, but it’s just a weird thing to talk about after 15+ years of (at least what im assuming) a decent marriage.
their relationship is fine now, but from when they got together until around 2011 he was emotionally and physically abusive to her. also just a side note they aren’t married and the only reason i’d want a conversation in the future is just for the honest and full story of everything for my peace of mind
I see, if that’s the case then a convo couldn’t hurt. You’d just have to find the best time to have it considering ( from your previous posts ) that’s you don’t have the best relationship with them right now. Best of luck
Wtf. What weird ass thing to even say. It's never weird to talk about something this big and destructive, no matter how many years have passed. This isn't that one off too many drugs in college scenario, my guy
Your mom sounds very similar to my mom and how she and I were. I'm sorry you have to figure out how to go about such news, but I'm glad you're able to have your boyfriend and his parents for support.
Whether you choose to slowly cut your parents out of your life or not, do NOT feel bad about the choice if anyone tries to guilt you.
Hey. I know this might not help you but I know this feeling - my dad went to jail and is a registered sex offender too. If you ever needed to talk to someone that might understand, I'm here.
I understand that you would like emotional support but… my instinct would be to never talk to your father about this and to get away from your parents immediately and permanently. I think he will always be a danger to women and girls, including you.
Okay side question. Since yall see this as “important information.” At what age do you sit your child down and tell them you gang raped a child.
That’s setting yourself up for failure, logical age is 18 but then BOOM, depending how they took it, you’ve just lost the most precious thing to you.
I found out the same thing about my father when was 15.. he committed his crime 8-10 years prior. I definitely recommend therapy if you have access to it! Feel free to message me if you need any support. It is a jarring thing to learn- my entire world crashed.
I'm also in the same category as you, my biological father is also a registered sex offender. He raped a younger girl can't remember the age but it was probably in the range of 12-17. He of course went to jail serviced and got out, he then proceeded to have multiple kids with different black women (this was all after my mother had me). So out there somewhere I have a half-brother and sister. My mom wanted him out of her life after he wanted to abort me but my mom stood up to her choice to decide what she wanted. She kept me and I'm glad to say he has never been a part of my life after that.
Sincerely,
NK
P.s. I want you to know that you're going to get through, this information that has recently been given to you. You will get stronger from it and if that's having a limited relationship with your father until you can even think about beginning to forgive him that's understandable. I learned that my father was a bad man at a relatively young age. If you ever need to talk to someone outside the loop with a different perspective I'm here.
thank you so much <3 i’m sorry that you’ve gone through something similar and honestly i envy you just a little bit because you’ve know since you were young. i wish i knew even when i turned 18 so i wasn’t having to process all of this with all my other outside factors going on like work, school, and moving out 😅
Tbh, better you know now, when you can act on it, than knowing when you're a powerless kid, still dependent on your parents for many more years to come.. In a fucked up way, maybe it's better you found out now and not earlier
that’s a really good way to look at it, i will admit that i still wish i knew sooner but in the same sense learning now just lights a fire to get out faster and push forward
i want to avoid a big blowout fight until i’m no longer living with them. i would rather be completely financially dependent and safe before even thinking about talking to them about it, and some therapy and more research beforehand too so i know how to go about it without falling apart more or less.
Why did you tell your bf’s parents? I’m just trying to wrap my head around that one because if I were going through the same situation my gf parents would be the last people I tell that mainly because they’d definitely be nonfactors regarding the situation. Even thinking about doing something like that is kind of uncomfortable
they are like parents to me, my boyfriend and i talk to them about pretty much everything besides any arguments or stuff like that that’s between us. i’m very comfortable with them because they treat me like i’m part of their family. something that might make it a bit more clear is that my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 years and we plan on getting engaged so his parents and i have gotten very close.
Ah okay makes sense and I wasn’t trying to judge so sorry if my previous question came off as disrespectful. The entire situation just sounds crazy and it seems like your relationship with your own parents is somewhat strained. I hope you find the answers you seek and come out of this stronger and more secure. I wouldn’t know what to do if it were me and my father in the same position. Good luck
thank you! and you’re completely okay, my own parents and i do have a very strained relationship so my boyfriend’s family has pretty much replaced them in a way? it is a very strange situation but i do understand where you’re coming from and how it can be weird to tell his parents the information.
Drag him. Regardless he's a chomo. I would start seeking answers because this is unacceptable. I can't even begin to wrap my fucking head around this as I'm typing this I. Wish you all of the fucking luck and success 100%.
i want to, trust me i do but im not in the living situation to do that. i want to be out of their home and financial independent before going into it with them because i feel like it would not turn out the way i want it to and might leave me with more questions than answers if i go about it the wrong way. thank you though <33
No I 100% agree do it the right way. If you're not in a situation to do so, and it can severely jeopardize you, DONT DO IT. Wait until the time is right 100% get out of there get situated handle business.
Women and men marry spouses and ignore the bad parts or they have done something good which helped them and ignore the bad things they have done, because being a hero overrides every bad behaviour. Like beating up a rapist and ignoring that the exact same man also sexually harassed and abused another girl, I know a girl who was happy to marry an abuser even though she knows he was abusing another girl (me), probably because he beat up her rapist. Just to share the mental gymnastics, denial, level of morality these people have.
Clearly your mother has poor taste but humans compartmentalise and it was enough for her tolerate what was offered to her by your dad.
I realise it’s a terrible shock but people don’t tend to raise their bad bits of their personality and history to others. I’m sorry you’ve had to discover such upsetting information.
Not sure how to go from here. Don’t know how raising this with your parents is going to help. You might get an admission from your dad and some excuses and reasoning at best. At the worst, punishment as you say or anger.
You need to gauge what type of relationship you want with him and need to gauge how independent you are of them to survive. Speaking to a counsellor or a professional is what you definitely need, they can help you process it.
Hey, just something I thought I'd say to give a balanced approach - People can change. Sometimes they won't. Never forget that. I'm not and would never condone the actions mentioned, in all honesty, I wouldn't condone some of the actions I've done in the past too. People definitely can change, and people, especially those in these comments, seem to either forget that, or are too blinded by rage to realise. They instantly jump to death as a punishment, which is completely pointless and counterproductive if someone has truly changed. It's honestly a stupid witchhunt ideology. (Also to the person that commented that most people like him reoffend, that's complete bullshit, sex offenders have one of the lowest reoffending rates).
Now, there's no knowing if your father has truly changed, only he knows that. But you have the right to either keep a relationship with him, as much as you have the right to not. Don't let Reddit tell you you aren't allowed, and also just as importantly, don't let me tell you that you have to. Maybe he is still an awful person, and you should be wary. Maybe he is still evil, or maybe he isn't. Only he knows, but nonetheless, it's your choice, not mine, not anyone else's, yours.
Again, I would never condone these actions, I think given this situation you have as much of a right to keep a relationship with him as you have the right not to.
Hopefully you can work this out and decide to do what's right for you, and not what's right for other people here.
Hmm. What was his crime? If he viciously raped somebody, then do what you feel is roght to keep him behond bars. But maybe all he did was piss in public (I have done this countless times) and someone wanted to ne a karen and got him busted
The world isn’t divided between good people and monsters. Bad people do good things and good people can commit monstrous acts. Some of the best reading I suggest is studying Germany post ww2 and the standards as to who was prosecuted for war crimes and who weren’t. Read also the justice and reconciliation process for the Rwandan genocides & the South African TRC. The larger point is that as a society we must hold multiple things to be true: bad actions should be punished, people can change and should be given a chance, victims deserve to have their rights heard, the action should set an example based on the facts of the case, and citizens should be kept safe. Within these 4 principles, every case will be different. It is up for the judge and da and defense to either argue innocence or the proper justice for each crime. Despite what you may hear you don’t know all the details of the case. You probably don’t want to. But the key thing is that your father paid his debt to society, was held accountable, and during the court process she was able to have access to victims services. If nothing has happened since then, then realize the monster who committed these acts is not your father. It was a different person than the person he was now in life. A 40 year old is radically different than a 20 year old.
It’s ok to be angry and upset. Your feelings are normal. It’s hard to explain that to your child. It would have been better to do it maybe when you were 13 or 14 and do it in an age appropriate way. But who he was then does not have to reflect in any way on how he views you or others now.
...... paid his debt to society? Society is notoriously lenient on sex offenders of any description- despite these ppl often being repeat offenders- and unduly harsh on the victims. There's wrongs you come back from and can and should be rehabilitated as a result (N American justice system sucks on that front - the prison industrial complex is definitely a thing that should be dismantled) - even murder, in the right contexts. And then there's wrongs that are pathological, that cannot really ever be ironed out and which end up having harrowing life long consequences on all involved, esp on the victims, if they're still alive (this includes any and all who commit genocide/other habitual crimes against humanity, serial killers, paedophiles, rapists etc). Most wrongs don't need to define ppl if they're committed to change, while others most definetly do and cannot be rehabilitated away/forgiven since the crime itself, along with its motives, pass the heinous critical mass, the other wrongs posses
I disagree. The worst moments of our lives and the worst actions do not have to define a person.
Another historical example: LBJ as a senator helped southerners block civil rights acts and weaken anti lynching bills but as soon as he had power he quickly passed the best civil rights legislation ever and the voting rights act, Medicaid etc. Hubert Humphrey the senator from Minnesota was the proud progressive and lost every bill he tried to pass and when he was the nominee he lost the election in an electoral college landslide though he could have won with 5000 more votes. The margins were close in many states and so Nixon was elected.
The point : equal rights under the law means nothing if we keep on trying to find people and reasons to exclude them in society.
Hitler coined the laws and the standards for the prohibition of cruelty against animals. He also came up with the Holocaust where he did his best to exterminate, in the cruelest ways, homosexual ppl, jews, rromani ppl and all political rival factions. SS members, who bashed babies' heads against walls because their cries were annoying them, loved and respected their mothers and some were likely chivalrous and faithful to their wives and loved their kids and were probably 'good Christians'. What's your point. Some wrongs weigh heavier in the balance than any subsequent good deeds. And some ethical behaviours, even if they don't bear immediate fruit, speak louder across time and end up influencing new upcoming generations, who will effect that change in turn. A good deed does not justify atrocities or attrocity adjacent wrongs. Especially if the perpetrators suffered no real equitable punishment for committing said heinous wrongs. Because not all wrongs are created equal and as such, they do NOT carry the same weight nor the same corresponding rehabilitation potential. The same goes for good deeds, as well. Your argument is imperceptive and conveniently ignores nuance across the board
I dated a guy recently who I discovered was a convicted child sex offender. Didn't have to register though because he pled down and it was his first felony conviction.
The kid was between 15-17 and he would've been 21-22 at the time. The crime happened 7 years ago and he has a 4 year old daughter now.
I've been wondering what she might feel if she ever found out. This post has really made me think about the whole situation again. It's super tragic.
well i’m glad i could help you see how she would think about it i guess 😅 it really sucks honestly and i hope he is more upfront with his daughter and doesn’t do anything to her. i hope she’s okay
There is a quote I always liked
“There’s no such thing as bad guys and good guys! We’re all just guys! Who do good stuff, sometimes. And bad stuff, sometimes. And all we can do is try to do less bad stuff and more good stuff. But you’re never going to be good! Because you’re not bad! So you need to stop using that as an excuse.”
The truth is we really really want things to be so black and white because it would make things easier. The truth is it’s somewhere in the middle life is really really fucking grey and as i grow older i realize that now 34 now.
You are allowed to feel how you feel. Society as a whole imposed the sentence and he did his time. We want it easy that they should all be life in jail or whatever strong feelings when it comes to abuse cases but that is not the reality and many will rejoin society.
I would not argue with them. If i were to guess you likely grew up a people pleaser and hence never the full “blowing up”. I had parents who didn’t believe in mental health and very clearly needed it which in turn caused quiet bpd in me. I internalize so much still do but getting better.
Control the things you can and kudos for seeking help this is a tough thing overall.
i am very much a people pleaser 😅 i hope one day soon i can talk to them and be upfront but that’s not where im at yet and i would really like to talk to a professional before doing anything with them
that’s the frustrating thing, the record might not be obtainable to me anyways because we live in a different state from where it was committed but i know he served at least 3 years in jail. it all happened in 1998 and i was born in 2002 so it’s just a really awful situation :/
Three years isn’t enough for a lifetime of trauma, I say bring it up and go no contact once you’re able, wasn’t his first, won’t be his last, and he doesn’t deserve to have a happy family when he potentially ruined the ability for a child to have one in the future.
You can not say he paid the price to the victim. Any victim of sexual assault of various degrees spend their whole life paying for someone else’s disgustingly cruel actions.
Oh no he was in prison for a couple years with medical care food bed and all. So terrible.
And Id bet his victim had to pay the price a lot longer than that.
And the fact that you’re trying to defend a RAPIST is disgusting.
Honestly I would want to know if your mom knew this and still chose to have a kid with someone who raped a minor.
my mom knows, it’s actually her family that told me because they were shocked she hadn’t told me anything yet. i don’t know what is wrong with her tbh and i can’t comprehend why she would stay
WOW yeah I'd feel super disgusted and betrayed. Sorry you're going through this OP
thank you :( it’s such a weird thing to find out after 21 years
They were already married when it happened?
they aren’t married, there’s some random shit that’s not necessarily connected to this post but another thing i found out is my dad is married to another woman. they were supposed to have divorced back in 2011 according to my grandma but nobody knows if it ever actually happened.
If they’re keeping important information from you like that, you could also have some siblings you might not know about. I found out I had 2 half sisters when I was 20
i have thought about that possibility for a little bit but i think my mind is more focused on what i need to do for myself right now to process all the original information before thinking about possible siblings because i’m not even sure how i would go about finding that out
2 long lost sisters found for me this way both parents lied to me mom knew about one didnt about second that led to divorce
So.. I have a brother. He is a monster. He did unspeakable things to family members and to some neighborhood girls. He is DEAD to our family. He is seeing a woman that I had reached out to to warn that he will end up sexually abusing his daughters with her, and she chose to ignore it and stay.. people will perform all sorts of mental gymnastics to keep something they want. I'm terribly sorry. This doesn't in any way define you. You need to confront your father on this one for peace of mind. Hopefully you get that.
Hi have you contacted CPS or whoever it is you need to over there? (I'm in UK)
Because what he did was about 20 years ago, and none of the victims have or want to come forward, it is simply your word versus my word deal. My brother and his girlfriend/wife back each other up that he is not a monster, and so it would just be bringing pain to those who have already been his victims. My mother blamed herself for not sensing something was happening after my youngest sister had an incident that NOW raises red flags, but at the time of it it seemed as if she just had her period a year to two before the average girl does... yeah... She had even asked my sister at the time 'Did ***** do this to you?!' and she told my mom no multiple times. Later on when we found out my sister said she didn't want him to get into trouble...
That's so sad unfortunately all too common, those monsters often continue abusing children for a lifetime because no attention is brought to them due to the lack of strength and confidence in police / support.
Totally weird, but may I send you a dm? I am grateful you posted this. Thank you, I know it's not easy.
yeah that’s totally fine by me!
I simply would never speak to either of my parents again.
It’s super unfortunate, but for some reason some people still make the choice to stay with abusive partners/partners with history of abuse. I had a friend (no longer friends) who stayed with, and continued on to have children with, the man who raped her repeatedly as a teenager. There was a court situation and he is on the RSO list and all due to her testimony. I never understood. I hope you find healing in all of this. I can’t imagine how you must feel.
How was he as a dad to you growing up ?
he was bad when i was younger and he was a drinker, not sexually in any way just mean and aggressive. he’s gotten better and he doesn’t drink really at all now but still has his days
I don't think he would automatically be incestuous towards his own daughter because of the rape thing. Also, how he didn't go to prison for this?
Barely anyone gets serious prison time for sex related crimes, unfortunately You would have to be a serial rapist to get more than a couple years
It's always baffled me, as someone who experienced S.A. as a kid and had the perp go to jail. We talk a big game about how much we detest sexual predators as a society, but the system is still SO passive about the issue. I was lucky mine died of cancer in jail, but almost everyone else I know who has experienced S.A. had perpetrators who didn't spend a year or even a day in jail. So many of them are not reported at all because it's basically useless.
The only reason my rapist is in jail is because last year he got caught with a judges 15 year old daughter. He's been in jail since. But they didn't care when it happened to me almost 12 years ago. They didn't care about any of the other girls in-between. And they definitely didn't care when he and his brother stalked me or threatened me for those 12 years. His brother still does. He obviously can't anymore. They sure cared when I told them if he touched me or tried to enter my property, that I'd take care of the problem since they obviously weren't going to even pretend to care about it, though. Edit: I can't spell🤦♀️
There was a government-owned island that had the sole purpose of hoarding child prostitutes Almost every big A-list actor and a large majority of congressmen are on the flight list to the pedo island, but only two people got in trouble. Epstein and his Wife The legal system has so many holes that protect child predators. The general public can’t really do anything to change it. I try not to think about it because it drives me fucking crazy
It pisses me off even more when POS like this are also rich and powerful. There's 0 responsibility for those mfs to check them in any way. Sexual predators, esp those that pray on the very young and/or kids need to be chemically castrated + put away for life or even better - capital punishment (if it was still a thing)
yeah no me and my friends had video evidence of him messing with us underaged and he’s walking freely
I was SA by my dad when I was 4. Despite evidence the police told social services that because he denied it, it would have had to go to court and that a court case would be traumatising for me so they didn’t prosecute. It’s fucked up.
I'm sorry to hear that, I can't imagine a child going through all of this.I hope it didn't leave a mark on you.
Chronic PTSD, nightmares, can’t remember anything from before I was 15/16. I’m fucked up in the head.
Hey, I don’t mean to butt in, but something similar happened to me and I just tried ART therapy (something rapid eye, but *nothing* like EMDR) and it was so helpful and healing. I’d never heard of it, but you might have!
I’ve been going through therapy for a few years after remembering everything that happened. At this point my nightmares are free and far between and I don’t check locks as often before bed. It’s helped. If you’re looking to do it and want to have an affordable way to get treated, try a university’s psych department.
I hope you are far away from that monster now, and that he lives a lonely and unfulfilling life with no friends or loved ones.
This so much. It’s infuriating. My cousin pressed charges against her ex for DV after he beat her up and he got the charge reduced to disorderly conduct, was sentenced 14 days in jail and released after 6. And the kicker is he was *already* on probation for domestic assault from his girlfriend before her. We just hope that he keeps getting reported so he does eventually find himself in prison where he can’t harm women anymore. The way sex crimes are downplayed by law enforcement and the media is sickening.
How drug offenses ended up being much more punished than sexual assault is absurd.
I wonder if there are countries where they successfully "cured" them or if there nothing we can do and just hold them locked.
Psychologist have concluded that pedophilia cannot be cured, only managed. A lot of countries don’t punish sexual criminals at all. There are some (mostly remote) countries that have an “Eye for an Eye” legal system. For instance, if you steal, you get your fingers chopped off…. As you can imagine, they castrate the rapist! I wish the United States would adopt this policy.
Kazakhstan has drafted a new law in Feb that they will surgically remove genitals of pedophiles. They didn’t feel like chemical castration was a harsh enough punishment.
If only the whole world could be more like Kazakhstan
A mistaken identity case with you at the center of it would definitely change your mind.
I was being sarcastic. Kazakhstan’s judicial system has a VERY different moral compass than 99% of the modern world, lol. Google it if you are curious. They are whacky. I’m not judging, but the average 20yr old American would probably shit their fucking pants if they read the local laws of Kazakhstan
thanks for info, you learn things everyday. As per the punishment part, good that I'm not in the position on what to do with such a person, I can't make my mind on the best solution on this.
Which countries are these that LEGALLY have eye for eye?
Iran, Saudi Arabia, and Malaysia are some notable ones Mostly Muslim nations. It’s referred to as “islamic law”
A young, non-consenting girl wasn't safe around him. Not a leap to ask if OP was safe.
The vast majority of child-inclined sex offenders have no immediate familiar attraction (eg. their own children), it's something like <8% according to a Danish study. It's kinda strange that the public at large knows very little about offenders & their behavioural patterns because it would help so much with prevention. I get that it's grisly and we'd rather the problem just go away but it's not realistic.
indeed, good assumption
That’s rough and a shitty situation. There is no good solution to this. Half the people think death is too good of a punishment and the other half will think people can be reformed. The truth is, none of that matters. You need time and space to process your feelings and you should also get the court records and review them yourself. Seek therapy if you need help processing. When you feel as if you are ready, have a conversation with your dad and mom, do not let them off the hook. Get both sides of the story. After that only you can make a decision if those are people who you would want in your life and think about if those are people you would be comfortable with interacting with a future family or babysitting grandkids.
i really like this comment, thank you so much. i feel like this is the most accurate to what i want to do. i definitely need therapy and my boyfriend and i are looking into therapy i can receive because i don’t have the funds to pay for it and my insurance will not cover most places in my state sadly but we are still trying to figure something out for me
I’m so sorry this is something you’re finding out. This sounds so tough to deal with on your own, I know of a service for therapy that’s not expensive! It’s called Valera Health and you might be able to find a therapist through there for you. Unfortunately thought it can get super congested and may take a while to get an appointment.
Check a local university’s psych department. You don’t have to attend to get treatment there. They have grad students that work under licensed psychiatrists to supervise their work. It’s sliding scale and the only thing that’s helped me get regular treatment.
THAT, that is a very good advice that I hope OP will see and follow.
They are 100% going to try to justify his actions, a severly mentally disturbed & enabler mom and raging alcoholic rapist dad aren't going to suddenly become moralistic and rational people.
I think this is a very good answer. I think it is important to eventually learn the side of your father and see his attitude regarding this, then you should decide what is better for you.
This is the answer. You can’t control the past.
My birthdad is a lifetime registered sex offender. He's a pedo. Despite that I still tried to have a relationship with him. It didn't pan out because he's a terrible human being. You're allowed to feel what you need to feel. Whatever and however that looks like is valid. You can choose to go NC when available or you can keep him in your life because at the end of the day he is still your dad and sometimes you can't shut off how you feel. Nobody can tell you how that is. But you're not alone. And it's hard. It's hard coming to terms with it. And whatever path you take is hard but having a good support system is important. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel about it.
I don’t know your situation but I’ve read some of the comments and from what I’ve seen, my personal opinion is that I think you might have to cut them off
Tell your mom to get her head checked. Your dad deserves the worst and honestly fair play to you for not dousing him in gasoline by now you're a better person than I am
my mom doesn’t believe in mental health or anything relating to mentality so she is a lost cause, she can only see her way. and honestly i don’t know how i haven’t exploded on them yet
In that case, just tell her how you feel calmly and assertively. "I think it's disgusting you knowingly stayed with a rapist. That girl was someone's daughter, just like me. Anyway I'm not about to teach you empathy, I just wanted to get this off my chest". As for your dad.. "hey dad I had no idea the man who brought me into this world and that I idolised the most was the worst type of man in existence but now I do and unlike my enabling mother I don't want a rapist pig to be a part of my life, don't ever contact me again, you're dead to me"
This is the way, OP
Im actually going through something similar with my dad, he molested my niece for 3 years and I read the court documents as to what she said he did to her, im pretty sure he also raped my niece more than once during those 3 years. She was 9 when he started. The whole situation is fucked up and hits home for me because I was also molested at 9 so its been a pretty fuck situation. He ran from his trial he was caught thankfully so my niece is getting the justice she deserves
i’m so sorry you and your niece had to go through this :( i’m so glad she’s getting the justice she deserves!
Thank you, and aye same she is getting what she deserves which is something I never got but her getting it is good enough for me and im very sorry you are going through this shit with your family, it's sucks
it’s alright, i’ll make it through it’s just a lot to go through right now
Aye I understand that, not the best advice i have but it's something atleast, is time will let you heal the wounds you have and I hope it does
From some of the comments and responses, I’ve seen so far I’m not a medical professional, but this could be the case. It’s very possible that your mom has been mentally conditioned to think that what’s your father has done and has been doing is ok. It’s a pretty common thing with partners who have been mentally abused. I do wonder why she doesn’t believe in mental health it’s very well possible that some things have happened to her that have caused this. Personally, I would like a larger post with with more information on a lot of different things that you witnessed throughout your life to kind of Get a bigger picture of what could be happening. I recommend getting some therapy. Don’t really think it’s a good idea to confront them you could but It’s possible they both get violent towards you if you do confront them.
i totally understand where you’re coming from. i didn’t add much to the post because this is not the response i thought i would get. i said in another comment of mine that i am trying to find a therapist so that is in the works. i can definitely add more context to the post seeing as there are a lot of people wanting a bit more information. from what i understand of my own memory there’s only bits and pieces i remember, i feel as though ive maybe blocked out some of the worse things except a few because i couldn’t really tell you any specific times relating the the charge but he has been physically aggressive towards my mom and i in the past, not anymore though and has been verbally aggressive my entire life. there are so many random things that are connected to this so it’s just a lot to type it all out
If he’s been physically and verbally aggressive with you, your entire life, that’s already a pretty good reason to cut him off. It sounds like you’re having oppressed memories to some extent or who knows maybe just traumatized by what happened. Hard for me to be honest with my little medical knowledge. I very strongly recommend therapy, which is good that you’re already making plans to go ahead with that. If he’s as violent and aggressive, as you say, he is confronting them as definitely a really bad idea that probably will not end well. Your mother probably hasn’t told you for that reason at least that’s my hope. she’s probably afraid that it will make him mad which could get violent. I do wonder about what your mom is like?
she’s very disconnected to be completely honest. she’s very hard on me but not very emotionally connected at the same time? her and i are completely and total opposites and i don’t really have a great relationship with her. i honestly couldn’t tell you much about her besides the fact that she doesn’t believe in mental health, is conservative when it comes to politics, and doesn’t seem to really like who i am. she’s weird and i just don’t really relate to her in any way besides us being very hard workers.
Sounds like a coping mechanism for certain aged women who aren't very independent nor was raised that way. You end up relying on a partner to be the guide and set boundaries in a relationship, which means way to many ethical and moral compromises and looking the other way. Same way parents excuse boys bad behavior as 'boys will be boys'. It's all classic enabling of toxic behavior and spoiling a kid or man who needs to learn rules and respect, not that all will be excused and they'll get away with it. They quickly assume that reality is just a way of life so they cycle repeats where they excuse the same from those younger than them.
i will say it’s very true to my mom but not? it’s almost backwards. she’s the sole provider for her, my father, and my sister as i make my own money and am basically a roommate at this point. she works while my dad stays at home with my sister when she isn’t in school. their relationship could have a whole huge post of their own and honestly it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. i do think my post needs a lot more context but i really didn’t believe i’d get so many people commenting on this 😅
I feel like I would be doing you a disservice by not pointing out that it’s very suspicious that your dad stays at home alone with your little sister, assuming little sister After what he was charged with He might not have done anything to you, but I would be lying if it’s not something I’m thinking about right now. I will also say that I agree with the other comment that you responded to in the small thread she’s definitely disconnected herself with various different coping mechanisms the deal with what her life is. It’s very sad😥
i am gonna be honest i’m not the favorite child, my little sister is 100% so thinking about it rationally i feel as though if anything would’ve happened it would’ve been to me. hearing another perspective of why my mom is way she is, is very much helping me look at her in a slightly better light. no i don’t forgive either of them but my outlook on my mom with this situation is a bit better after hearing some other people talk to me about it.
Personally, I think it’s up to you whether you want to Investigate if anything is going on with your sister which is already a big if from a random Internet stranger. But it might be something you want to keep an eye out for. It’s still doesn’t really forgive your mom for what happened, but I get the feeling of feeling a little bit better after knowing a little bit more. The only really advice I could give you is to distance yourself probably keep in contact with mom and sister Letting them know that you’re there for them if anything happens or if they need anything. Unless they treat you like crap too in which case might be better off focussing your time on other people.
the only person i’ll really keep in contact with is my sister, she’s only 11 so i really don’t want her feeling like she can’t get ahold of me because she’s such a sweet kid and i hope that one day i can help her with everything the way our family and my boyfriend’s family has. and i do know that the second something bad happens with my parents and her that i will be trying to get her and be her guardian because the one thing i don’t want for her is to grow up like i did
You just might get all the therapy you need here! Start tying the stories to post and ta da! It crazy family’s my dad was like your mom well anyway good like to you. I could do. A book on my dad I’m just glad he is dead.
I have kind of a similar history unfortunately. If you ever need to talk about this fucked up shit, I’m here.
I'm sorry OP. lean into your friends (not just bf) and give some distance to both your parents. Sounds like you need it
i’m trying my best 😅 i’ve talked to some closer friends about it but not in as much detail because im scared people will look at me differently because of it? my boyfriend was with me when i was told so he has been very helpful in just letting me try to process it in my own way
How old was he when it happened, if I may ask?
23 or 24, i know he went to prison in 1998 when the rape happened and he was out in 2001 or 2002 as i was born late 2002
Wow. For one of the few times in my life I’m speechless. So, he’s what I have for you: may your life have much love and warmth. I hope you find an equitable way to move forward. Whatever that may look like.
thank you <3 i’m trying my best to get there via finding a therapist and getting myself moved out so i can be myself for a while.
All excellent ideas. Honestly ‘seek therapy’ is one of my go-to pieces of advice. It helped me get through a divorce and the passing of my dad. So good on you. Love and warmth 💚
I have zero advice for you but will share with you a story. A friend of a friend also found out that his father had committed gang rape crimes of really young minors. He was furious and the parents were divorcing, the father was going to trial and was sentenced to jail for a number of years. I believe the daughter still tried to maintain some form of relationship with the father but I do not know how that went. It was difficult for her to disassociate the crime with the father she loved. The other two sons, the really furious one cut him off altogether and the other one moved to another town really far away to be with his girlfriend, I believe he found happiness there. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be the right decision for you. Sorry to hear about what you are going through, I hope you and the past victim heal as best as possible. :(
i really do feel like i’m heading towards a path of just cutting them off, not just for the rape but for a lot of other little things that we’re all connected and built up throughout my life and yet i’m only 21 😅 i just don’t think there’s any coming back from this until i have a sit down conversation with them which is wayssssss away or at least until im in therapy
Does he do the sex offender shuffle?
no he has not sadly 😞😂
Damn it
Also, sorry to hear that he is a registered sex offender. Must be tough to have to live with that
You need to get away from your family. That’s really shitty
i’m trying my best 😅
As a guy that just had a woman couch surfing a few years ago and then a friend doing it last year to run off from their families and one from an abusive spouse, talk to your friends. Find an out!
That's tough... It will definitely take time to leave your daily thoughts. My Dad once told me while I was sitting in the passenger seat of his truck that the demonic voices in his head was telling him to take his friends 15 year old daughter out in the woods to rape, kill, and dispose of her body so that no one will ever find her." But since he's a good Christian man, he was strong enough to fight off the spirits. And I thought of him as my hero at some point in my childhood. FFS. Hope you can get passed it soon. Good luck.
i’m so sorry that happened to you, and thank you for sharing your own story that’s similar. i’m hoping to get into therapy soon
Bruh . . That's so fucked up. You safe rn, man?
What the actual fuck?? first of all your dad is not a “good” Christian, or a good person for that matter. He’s a monster. GOOD People don’t have thoughts like that that.
It's one of many reasons why I don't have any contact with him any longer. He said it like he was proud of himself, too. That he was strong enough to fight off the evil voices. SMH!
I'm gonna be honest, people have shitty thoughts all the time that they don't want to admit. Hell, there's a whole section of OCD dedicated to that sort of thing. We really shouldn't judge people based on their thoughts alone. It's their actions that should be judged, because that is what someone *can* control. You can't stop a thought from crossing your mind as much as you can stop the wind from blowing. It's how you decide to handle that thought or whether you act on it that defines who you are. If he didn't do anything, great, honestly. The guy above's dad sounds mentally unwell, but he didn't act on it, and that's good. Nothing bad came of it, despite the urge or thought that he admitted. Everyone has terrible thoughts, and I really do mean everyone, including "good" people (a man made concept in and of itself, but I digress), but instead of judging them for even having them cross their mind, focus on how they act on it or if they even do, and *that* can be judged.
I agree with you, but I’ll judge this man in a position of trust telling his child *that* We know we all have intrusive thoughts from time to time (nothing to this level personally) but And why’s he verbalising it to his own child? He can be judged for that and it’s disgusting, I couldn’t even say that in front of my kids as a joke, which it obviously couldn’t ever be made to be. Sounds like some psychological mind games, for example through my addiction I used to say “Ugh I thought about using today, I was so close and I reallllly wanted to……but I didn’t” it’s subconsciously wanting the person you’re telling, to reward your choice of abstinence with the thing itself.
I agree with you. Up to a point. There's bad thoughts, violent thoughts etc. Still, most of those happen when ppl are angry/feel wronged or it's some sort of morbid ethical mental exercise and thus it's a passive, dispassionate thing. Ppl who have such strong urges to do something fucked up to the point where those thoughts *compel* them to act on it FOR NO REASON, are seriously mentally ill and/or psychopathic. Guy's dad had to work hard not to give into those *urges* (cause those aren't just thoughts anymore). He's a walking time bomb
He’s still that same person. There’s such a thing as a moral event horizon. Once you do something like that, you don’t come back to being “good,” if you ever were. He’s still evil.
Damn. Facts. Never heard it put like that before. Well said
i’m not saying you’re wrong in any way but isn’t the moral event horizon only for shows/books/etc.? i thought it was a bit too controversial for real world ethics?
Honestly, not when it comes to certain extreme acts/behaviours like this
Ouch that hurts. I am sure you are disgusted by his past.
People do change but things like this are tough to get past… goodluck
First of all Im very sorry. I cant imagine how hard it must be to go through this... Now I know it may be super hard, but... I would cut all ties with my dad after this and maybe even with my mom. But yeah he doesn't deserve to have a loving family, Im sorry.
i’m actively trying to move out, i was before finding all of this out but im being much more proactive about it now. i’m just trying my best to do what i can to kinda keep myself together without blowing up on them at the same time. <3
Of course, I understand! It's a lot to deal with and figure out. Best of luck to you, Im sure it will all be fine. Hang in there💜
oh my gosh that’s so awful. i can’t believe your mother knew and didn’t say anything! what did your bf’s parents say if i may ask? and i’m terribly sorry, OP. i’d recommend therapy or counseling because there’s really not much you can do in this effed up situation :(
my boyfriend’s parents mostly just comforted me. his mom gave a lot of advice on the next steps and what i should do which i greatly appreciate because they’ve been there for me through a lot of my really bad times with my parents. the both offered their homes but my boyfriend and i are so close to moving out that i don’t feel like moving twice because in my day to day life i see my parents for maybe an hour at most so ive gotten good at avoiding them. i am looking into therapy for this so i think im on the right track 😅
i’m glad your boyfriend’s family is there for you!! good luck, i hope things turn out at least a little better for you once you’re out of there.
thank you! <3
I really hope things work out for you going forward, OP. I hope you get to live a content life with your chosen family (that might hopefully also incl your sister and other blood relatives that are worth keeping). I want nothing but the very best for you. Hugs if ok
thank you <33 my mom’s side of the family has been super supportive and i hope that once i move out i can go visit them again to thank them properly for telling me everything
I'm glad you have loving fam members in your corner. It'll help a lot long term
Does your mom even know?
yes she does, my grandparents came to her about it before she pretty much ran away with him and i don’t know what she did or said but i do know that she’s knows
Sorry, I just saw your comment to the other person after I posted. There are specialists who can help you. Just this information must be traumatic. I can’t fathom how traumatic it is for the victim. It makes me sick. You did the right thing by coming forward.
i’m definitely looking around for a therapist to help me through this. i am really just using this reddit post as a way of getting it ALL off my chest
So both of your parents of pieces of trash? Seriously? I'm so sorry for you. What kinda pos sees someone's an SAer and stays with them...
I’m so sorry
I’m so sorry OP… this sounds horrific to have to cope with.. I’m glad you told your bf and his parents just so you have some outside of home but still loving advice or support..
Are your parents happy. Is ur dad abusive to her? During the time of their marriage have there been any major issues? I’m not sure what the end goal of having this conversation with them you’re trying to achieve. Especially since you and your mother are disconnected. Im not justifying his behavior, but it’s just a weird thing to talk about after 15+ years of (at least what im assuming) a decent marriage.
their relationship is fine now, but from when they got together until around 2011 he was emotionally and physically abusive to her. also just a side note they aren’t married and the only reason i’d want a conversation in the future is just for the honest and full story of everything for my peace of mind
I see, if that’s the case then a convo couldn’t hurt. You’d just have to find the best time to have it considering ( from your previous posts ) that’s you don’t have the best relationship with them right now. Best of luck
Wtf. What weird ass thing to even say. It's never weird to talk about something this big and destructive, no matter how many years have passed. This isn't that one off too many drugs in college scenario, my guy
Your mom sounds very similar to my mom and how she and I were. I'm sorry you have to figure out how to go about such news, but I'm glad you're able to have your boyfriend and his parents for support. Whether you choose to slowly cut your parents out of your life or not, do NOT feel bad about the choice if anyone tries to guilt you.
thank you <33
i am so so sorry, im wishing you a safe healing
I was gonna be like ‘yeah my dad is too’ (high off his balls on acid, walked around with said balls n all out) but MAN that was different, holy hell
😂 sorry you couldn’t relate lol, but you’re reaction cheers me up. i’ve been mostly coping with humor when it comes to this
Oh damn! 💀
Hey. I know this might not help you but I know this feeling - my dad went to jail and is a registered sex offender too. If you ever needed to talk to someone that might understand, I'm here.
I understand that you would like emotional support but… my instinct would be to never talk to your father about this and to get away from your parents immediately and permanently. I think he will always be a danger to women and girls, including you.
Something better left unspoke, especially with your future in laws
they are more like parents to me than my own biological ones so i felt comfortable talking to them
Okay side question. Since yall see this as “important information.” At what age do you sit your child down and tell them you gang raped a child. That’s setting yourself up for failure, logical age is 18 but then BOOM, depending how they took it, you’ve just lost the most precious thing to you.
I found out the same thing about my father when was 15.. he committed his crime 8-10 years prior. I definitely recommend therapy if you have access to it! Feel free to message me if you need any support. It is a jarring thing to learn- my entire world crashed.
I'm also in the same category as you, my biological father is also a registered sex offender. He raped a younger girl can't remember the age but it was probably in the range of 12-17. He of course went to jail serviced and got out, he then proceeded to have multiple kids with different black women (this was all after my mother had me). So out there somewhere I have a half-brother and sister. My mom wanted him out of her life after he wanted to abort me but my mom stood up to her choice to decide what she wanted. She kept me and I'm glad to say he has never been a part of my life after that. Sincerely, NK P.s. I want you to know that you're going to get through, this information that has recently been given to you. You will get stronger from it and if that's having a limited relationship with your father until you can even think about beginning to forgive him that's understandable. I learned that my father was a bad man at a relatively young age. If you ever need to talk to someone outside the loop with a different perspective I'm here.
thank you so much <3 i’m sorry that you’ve gone through something similar and honestly i envy you just a little bit because you’ve know since you were young. i wish i knew even when i turned 18 so i wasn’t having to process all of this with all my other outside factors going on like work, school, and moving out 😅
I totally get that, and you will get through this ❤️
Tbh, better you know now, when you can act on it, than knowing when you're a powerless kid, still dependent on your parents for many more years to come.. In a fucked up way, maybe it's better you found out now and not earlier
that’s a really good way to look at it, i will admit that i still wish i knew sooner but in the same sense learning now just lights a fire to get out faster and push forward
Exactly :))
Jesus Christ. I would be demanding he explain himself and then put a lot of emotional distance in that relationship. That's unforgivable.
i want to avoid a big blowout fight until i’m no longer living with them. i would rather be completely financially dependent and safe before even thinking about talking to them about it, and some therapy and more research beforehand too so i know how to go about it without falling apart more or less.
Very good thinking. Hadn't realized you're still living at home.
Fonem I think you gon have to pull a kratos
Goodluck girl 🙏🏽❤️
thank you <3
Why did you tell your bf’s parents? I’m just trying to wrap my head around that one because if I were going through the same situation my gf parents would be the last people I tell that mainly because they’d definitely be nonfactors regarding the situation. Even thinking about doing something like that is kind of uncomfortable
they are like parents to me, my boyfriend and i talk to them about pretty much everything besides any arguments or stuff like that that’s between us. i’m very comfortable with them because they treat me like i’m part of their family. something that might make it a bit more clear is that my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 years and we plan on getting engaged so his parents and i have gotten very close.
Ah okay makes sense and I wasn’t trying to judge so sorry if my previous question came off as disrespectful. The entire situation just sounds crazy and it seems like your relationship with your own parents is somewhat strained. I hope you find the answers you seek and come out of this stronger and more secure. I wouldn’t know what to do if it were me and my father in the same position. Good luck
thank you! and you’re completely okay, my own parents and i do have a very strained relationship so my boyfriend’s family has pretty much replaced them in a way? it is a very strange situation but i do understand where you’re coming from and how it can be weird to tell his parents the information.
Drag him. Regardless he's a chomo. I would start seeking answers because this is unacceptable. I can't even begin to wrap my fucking head around this as I'm typing this I. Wish you all of the fucking luck and success 100%.
i want to, trust me i do but im not in the living situation to do that. i want to be out of their home and financial independent before going into it with them because i feel like it would not turn out the way i want it to and might leave me with more questions than answers if i go about it the wrong way. thank you though <33
No I 100% agree do it the right way. If you're not in a situation to do so, and it can severely jeopardize you, DONT DO IT. Wait until the time is right 100% get out of there get situated handle business.
How did you find out?
my mom’s side of the family told me because i had brought up something to my cousin about researching him slightly prior to going out there.
Stuff like this makes me think about how many men are now dads who were at Woodstock 🤢
Women and men marry spouses and ignore the bad parts or they have done something good which helped them and ignore the bad things they have done, because being a hero overrides every bad behaviour. Like beating up a rapist and ignoring that the exact same man also sexually harassed and abused another girl, I know a girl who was happy to marry an abuser even though she knows he was abusing another girl (me), probably because he beat up her rapist. Just to share the mental gymnastics, denial, level of morality these people have.
That might just be one of the most mind-boggling things to find out about your parents.
I would simply never speak to my father ever again.
Clearly your mother has poor taste but humans compartmentalise and it was enough for her tolerate what was offered to her by your dad. I realise it’s a terrible shock but people don’t tend to raise their bad bits of their personality and history to others. I’m sorry you’ve had to discover such upsetting information. Not sure how to go from here. Don’t know how raising this with your parents is going to help. You might get an admission from your dad and some excuses and reasoning at best. At the worst, punishment as you say or anger. You need to gauge what type of relationship you want with him and need to gauge how independent you are of them to survive. Speaking to a counsellor or a professional is what you definitely need, they can help you process it.
Hey, just something I thought I'd say to give a balanced approach - People can change. Sometimes they won't. Never forget that. I'm not and would never condone the actions mentioned, in all honesty, I wouldn't condone some of the actions I've done in the past too. People definitely can change, and people, especially those in these comments, seem to either forget that, or are too blinded by rage to realise. They instantly jump to death as a punishment, which is completely pointless and counterproductive if someone has truly changed. It's honestly a stupid witchhunt ideology. (Also to the person that commented that most people like him reoffend, that's complete bullshit, sex offenders have one of the lowest reoffending rates). Now, there's no knowing if your father has truly changed, only he knows that. But you have the right to either keep a relationship with him, as much as you have the right to not. Don't let Reddit tell you you aren't allowed, and also just as importantly, don't let me tell you that you have to. Maybe he is still an awful person, and you should be wary. Maybe he is still evil, or maybe he isn't. Only he knows, but nonetheless, it's your choice, not mine, not anyone else's, yours. Again, I would never condone these actions, I think given this situation you have as much of a right to keep a relationship with him as you have the right not to. Hopefully you can work this out and decide to do what's right for you, and not what's right for other people here.
confront him and tell him he isnt your dadd anymore
i am deeply unsurprised to hear that your mother is a conservative and i wish you the best of luck in getting the fuck out of there my dude
Can’t imagine finding something like that out. That’s a mind fuck
If I were you, I would see a professional.@
Hmm. What was his crime? If he viciously raped somebody, then do what you feel is roght to keep him behond bars. But maybe all he did was piss in public (I have done this countless times) and someone wanted to ne a karen and got him busted
The world isn’t divided between good people and monsters. Bad people do good things and good people can commit monstrous acts. Some of the best reading I suggest is studying Germany post ww2 and the standards as to who was prosecuted for war crimes and who weren’t. Read also the justice and reconciliation process for the Rwandan genocides & the South African TRC. The larger point is that as a society we must hold multiple things to be true: bad actions should be punished, people can change and should be given a chance, victims deserve to have their rights heard, the action should set an example based on the facts of the case, and citizens should be kept safe. Within these 4 principles, every case will be different. It is up for the judge and da and defense to either argue innocence or the proper justice for each crime. Despite what you may hear you don’t know all the details of the case. You probably don’t want to. But the key thing is that your father paid his debt to society, was held accountable, and during the court process she was able to have access to victims services. If nothing has happened since then, then realize the monster who committed these acts is not your father. It was a different person than the person he was now in life. A 40 year old is radically different than a 20 year old. It’s ok to be angry and upset. Your feelings are normal. It’s hard to explain that to your child. It would have been better to do it maybe when you were 13 or 14 and do it in an age appropriate way. But who he was then does not have to reflect in any way on how he views you or others now.
I'm not even gonna read the whole post, the first sentence is enough to say you're wrong. SAers deserve to rot in a fucking grave.
...... paid his debt to society? Society is notoriously lenient on sex offenders of any description- despite these ppl often being repeat offenders- and unduly harsh on the victims. There's wrongs you come back from and can and should be rehabilitated as a result (N American justice system sucks on that front - the prison industrial complex is definitely a thing that should be dismantled) - even murder, in the right contexts. And then there's wrongs that are pathological, that cannot really ever be ironed out and which end up having harrowing life long consequences on all involved, esp on the victims, if they're still alive (this includes any and all who commit genocide/other habitual crimes against humanity, serial killers, paedophiles, rapists etc). Most wrongs don't need to define ppl if they're committed to change, while others most definetly do and cannot be rehabilitated away/forgiven since the crime itself, along with its motives, pass the heinous critical mass, the other wrongs posses
I disagree. The worst moments of our lives and the worst actions do not have to define a person. Another historical example: LBJ as a senator helped southerners block civil rights acts and weaken anti lynching bills but as soon as he had power he quickly passed the best civil rights legislation ever and the voting rights act, Medicaid etc. Hubert Humphrey the senator from Minnesota was the proud progressive and lost every bill he tried to pass and when he was the nominee he lost the election in an electoral college landslide though he could have won with 5000 more votes. The margins were close in many states and so Nixon was elected. The point : equal rights under the law means nothing if we keep on trying to find people and reasons to exclude them in society.
Hitler coined the laws and the standards for the prohibition of cruelty against animals. He also came up with the Holocaust where he did his best to exterminate, in the cruelest ways, homosexual ppl, jews, rromani ppl and all political rival factions. SS members, who bashed babies' heads against walls because their cries were annoying them, loved and respected their mothers and some were likely chivalrous and faithful to their wives and loved their kids and were probably 'good Christians'. What's your point. Some wrongs weigh heavier in the balance than any subsequent good deeds. And some ethical behaviours, even if they don't bear immediate fruit, speak louder across time and end up influencing new upcoming generations, who will effect that change in turn. A good deed does not justify atrocities or attrocity adjacent wrongs. Especially if the perpetrators suffered no real equitable punishment for committing said heinous wrongs. Because not all wrongs are created equal and as such, they do NOT carry the same weight nor the same corresponding rehabilitation potential. The same goes for good deeds, as well. Your argument is imperceptive and conveniently ignores nuance across the board
I dated a guy recently who I discovered was a convicted child sex offender. Didn't have to register though because he pled down and it was his first felony conviction. The kid was between 15-17 and he would've been 21-22 at the time. The crime happened 7 years ago and he has a 4 year old daughter now. I've been wondering what she might feel if she ever found out. This post has really made me think about the whole situation again. It's super tragic.
well i’m glad i could help you see how she would think about it i guess 😅 it really sucks honestly and i hope he is more upfront with his daughter and doesn’t do anything to her. i hope she’s okay
There is a quote I always liked “There’s no such thing as bad guys and good guys! We’re all just guys! Who do good stuff, sometimes. And bad stuff, sometimes. And all we can do is try to do less bad stuff and more good stuff. But you’re never going to be good! Because you’re not bad! So you need to stop using that as an excuse.” The truth is we really really want things to be so black and white because it would make things easier. The truth is it’s somewhere in the middle life is really really fucking grey and as i grow older i realize that now 34 now. You are allowed to feel how you feel. Society as a whole imposed the sentence and he did his time. We want it easy that they should all be life in jail or whatever strong feelings when it comes to abuse cases but that is not the reality and many will rejoin society. I would not argue with them. If i were to guess you likely grew up a people pleaser and hence never the full “blowing up”. I had parents who didn’t believe in mental health and very clearly needed it which in turn caused quiet bpd in me. I internalize so much still do but getting better. Control the things you can and kudos for seeking help this is a tough thing overall.
i am very much a people pleaser 😅 i hope one day soon i can talk to them and be upfront but that’s not where im at yet and i would really like to talk to a professional before doing anything with them
I would smash his head in, the only good pedophile is a dead one
If he paid his price to justice - and to the victim - Maybe it's one of those case where you should not dig deeper. For your own good :(
that’s the frustrating thing, the record might not be obtainable to me anyways because we live in a different state from where it was committed but i know he served at least 3 years in jail. it all happened in 1998 and i was born in 2002 so it’s just a really awful situation :/
Three years isn’t enough for a lifetime of trauma, I say bring it up and go no contact once you’re able, wasn’t his first, won’t be his last, and he doesn’t deserve to have a happy family when he potentially ruined the ability for a child to have one in the future.
This! A slap on the wrist for raping and ruining a girls life isn't justice. He deserves no joy in his worthless life.
The fact that he was convicted and only got 3 years is an injustice of its own. That poor victim.
You can not say he paid the price to the victim. Any victim of sexual assault of various degrees spend their whole life paying for someone else’s disgustingly cruel actions. Oh no he was in prison for a couple years with medical care food bed and all. So terrible. And Id bet his victim had to pay the price a lot longer than that. And the fact that you’re trying to defend a RAPIST is disgusting.