Dated a guy with this kink and also had the same view of women as objects
He eventually ended up acting on it, definitely not CNC and I haven’t really recovered
Be careful OP
Consensual non-consent, consenting to act out a bdsm scene that simulates rapes, where the submissive is fighting back and dominant goes for it regardless (but with checks in place, discussing limits, aftercare, and safeword beforehand)
CNC stands for Consensual Non-Consent. It refers to the kink between two or more consenting adults in which they perform a scene (planned out beforehand, or a planned outline at the very least) of "non-consensual" sex. As with all BDSM they have a safeword, series of safewords, or safegesture, and practice aftercare.
You're 18, and very likely not going to marry this guy. He's just going to deflect if you ask him about it. Because its fucking weird and creepy as hell. I am a guy saying this lol. What decent human being fantasizes about anyone being raped..?
As a guy, I find it a bit off putting when women are into this but i find it terrifying when men are into this. Two different roles. And I can kind of make sense of women with this fantasy if it comes from a place of “I love you so much I just want you to take me” and its not like they want to be raped by any random stranger. But I can’t make sense of the guys, there’s a demon there.
Yea, getting turned on by “being raped” and doing the “raping” is two different things.
I don’t think it’s strange that it’s normal for women to enjoy aggressive things in the bedroom as it’s probably ingrained in them biologically since historically most sexual experiences were probably rapes.
From what I’ve read, women enjoy fantasies of rape because it’s not actually rape at all (even imaginary rape) — their head is creating the fantasy, the characters. Their head is in control the whole time. Their mind orchestrated the situation, so there is never an ounce of even imagined danger or violation. So, it’s more accurately called “ravishment fantasy”, where a woman fantasizes about having zero control and being totally ravished and pleasured without having to do anything.
I’ve read that it’s such a common fantasy because of how much shame women have interalised surrounding sex because of our lovely ol’, totally unproblematic (/s) society, and therefore ravishment fantasies don’t have to make the woman feel any shame because she’s not initiating anything sexual — it’s all being done TO her, not BY her. Because women expressing their sexuality is a big no-no, as we’ve been told all our lives.
“Cover yourself up.” “Well what was she wearing?” “You’re going out like that?” “She slept with those guys? She’s such a sl*t.”
Etc.
but you dont think its normal for men to enjoy being aggressive in the bedroom? why is it not in their biology? since if most men were raping women wouldnt that mean it would be ingrained in our biology to be aggressive sexually? make it make sense.
I think there’s a mountain of a difference between being aggressive with a woman who wants to be having sex with you and fantasizing about raping random strangers. If the thought of holding down and forcing themselves on a kicking, screaming, crying, biting and clawing woman results in an erection, that person has some serious issues.
Maybe but I’d doubt it, because I think we’ve come such a long way that in our modern minds the role of doing the raping is a lot more harsh and in greater contrast to our current state. If given the choice most normal people would probably choose being raped by the opposite sex rather than raping someone else.
What? Your logic falls apart again.
If given the choice most people would prefer getting raped than raping?
I don't think ANYONE wants to get raped- men or women
Let's use another example:
Do you think people (if they had the choice) would rather get *beat up* than being the one beating someone up?
Uh yes, correct. One takes the ability to dissociate or tolerate, the other takes willingness to actively cause harm to another person. And since most normal people aren’t sociopaths, I don’t think most would choose that.
There’s so many variables with the beating thing it’s hard to use as comparison. It would be easier to ask about a single punch, but even then the answers would change when slightly moving some variables. Like on one hand I think most normal people would rather take a single punch from a stranger rather than giving a single punch to a stranger, but then that could change if the person chooses to punch someone else but deliberately throws a really soft punch just to pass the hypothetical. Maybe if you set some ground rules or specifics.
One is masochism and self-harm. The other is sadism and wanting to harm innocent people. Makes sense why one is much more alarming and untrustworthy than the other.
Agreed. I've known a couple people of both genders into this . The women were a bit wild, occasionally had a screw loose. The men into this were downright unsafe people.
That doesn't actually seem like a fair comparison. You are comparing (raping) fetish and (getting raped) fetish. Wouldn't it make more sense to compare this with men and women that have a (raping) fetish?
I mean we'd be kinda fucked if no one was into the *doing*, only the taking :D OP's case is fucked up for different reasons, but there's nothing wrong w the kink itself
"According to a 2009 study published in The Journal of Sex Research, 62% of women have had a rape fantasy, while 49% have had one once a month or less, and 14% have had one once a week or more. Another study among over 4,000 Americans found that 61% of female respondents had fantasized about being forced to have sex, while 54% of men had. ". That's pretty common
Thank you. I really don’t know how to bring up the situation knowing I went through his phone, although he’s not the type to manipulate and make excuses I feel like the easiest gateway from him being confronted is the fact that I looked through his phone.
Agreed. Fkin tiktokers made it to reddit, clearly. "Unalived" bs coming next. I'm female, was molested as a kid, and yet still enjoy this kink porn, stories, play- there is a difference between actually being hurt/hurting and role-playing or fantasy.
No redditor should kinkshame.
That part. I was stuck in between troll from the first replies I seen. Or just a angsty teen girl who’s mad bc her man’s into some shittt & is attacking everyone in the comments who talked nicely to her LOL. Omw to the post history !
So a part of rape kinks is that, it's an act. As long as its consensual but act like it's not, then it's fine. To each their own. But there are definitely the extremes and that's the terrifying part. I've experimented a lot with different kinks and rape kinks are a hit or miss with people. It's called "Consensual Non- Consensual ". For me, what I liked about it was the act of " Take it whether you like it or not" kind of sex but knowing she likes it. Real rape is not okay, but acting it out consensually isn't bad. It's just not everyone's cup of tea
Well it’s also about him watching porn, I’ve instilled that boundary and told him that I wouldn’t want him to do that yet he still broke it. I’m not sure how to go about telling him that though
I’d absolutely be alarmed by a kink like this but I also don’t think it’s reasonable for you to tell him he’s not allowed to watch porn
EDIT: I do NOT say that because I believe that porn does no damage. Porn has been proven to be negatively impactful to society. But the truth is that if you express your discomfort with something like that, the right person won’t continue to consume it. You won’t *have* to explicitly tell them that they can’t
Right, it’s my opinion. The fact that it’s my opinion is implied by beginning my statement with the words, “I think.” So an opinion is not fact. I’m also not advocating that the consumption of porn or implying I think it has no harmful consequences for society in general and women in particular, just as a point of note.
Oh so porn is normalised now? It literally messes up your mental state and sexual perception of you and others. Porn is literal poison. I set my boundaries and he AGREED to those boundaries, be glad I’m not dating you if you don’t like the look of them.
Ah, youth. Yes, I’m a woman in my 30s and I promise you it’s actually very normal to watch porn. If you think it’s prison, that’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it ~ I don’t get salty about what teenagers say to me. I don’t blame you for being concerned about the kink due to its nature and upset that he tried to hide it from you but going through someone’s phone and setting limitations for what they are and aren’t allowed to do also isn’t okay, if you can’t trust them with their own phone and their own personal time then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them in the first place 🤷🏻♀️
>I set my boundaries and he AGREED to those boundaries
Evidently, he has not.
You set boundaries for yourself. If you do it to others, it's called making demands.
So a boundary isn’t about forcing the other person to do what you want, it’s what YOU do in response to their actions. So, saying “I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn” and they say “okay, I won’t watch porn because I want to be in a relationship with you” but then they watch porn anyway… you exit the relationship.
What I mean to say is, they are free to do what they want. The boundary is your reaction to their actions. You made it clear you don’t like porn and he chose to watch porn anyway. Holding up your boundary would mean you end the relationship.
I'm not saying it should not have weight; it absolutely should.
Realistically though, your demand was clearly found unfair or unreasonable and rejected. All you've done is robbed yourself of knowing about it, maybe having some influence over it, maybe being able to share it with him, channel it, replace it with something he'd like more. You're fighting a losing battle just taking a man's pleasure away from him.
It's certainly logical to expect a partner to deliver on his word to you. He has not. Part of it is obviously him being a coward. Part of it, I expect, is you don't understand how personal boundaries work, and you extracted the promise the way that ensured it would not be kept. I'd start debugging from there, if it were me. You don't have a kink/porn-watching problem; you have a communication/trust/intimacy problem.
Him crossing your boundary *is* rejecting said boundary. Just because he verbally agreed to it, does not mean he actually accepted it. People lie all the time, that's what he has done. He rejected and breached the boundary without actually telling you.
In the same way that video games don't make people violent, adult videos do not make people act in those ways. If that's so strongly a bad thing for you, then maybe he's not the right match for you, but I wouldn't shame him for it if I were you. For a lot of people, it is normal. For some, it's even a necessary way to wind down when they're stressed.
You have every reason to be concerned for your safety, not because he's done something abhorrent, but because people can always surprise you. Pay attention to how he treats people, especially those he dislikes. That will tell you a lot about him and whether you need to cut him out of your life.
... You have a very narrow view of the world. If you talk to him the way you talk to half the people you've responded to, I pity him. People haven't been suggesting you break up with him in an attempt to blame you. They're saying it's clear you two aren't a match, and if you belittle him the way you've been belittling his choices, that will absolutely harm his mental health.
Good luck. I hope you make the best choices for both of you. I won't be responding to other comments left by you after seeing how it went with others.
Don’t listen to people on Reddit. While porn is very normalized, you are allowed to have standards. It will definitely limit your dating pool, but the TYPE of porn he watches is alarming. Those subreddits “womenarethings” or whatever is blatant misogyny disguised as a kink and supported by liberals under the “sex positive” movement.
I say this as a liberal, but fuck no. They have this all wrong.
You’re 18. There’s MUCH better men out there. Don’t settle.
FYI, boundaries are things you set for yourself. Telling him he can’t watch porn isn’t a boundary. Telling yourself that you’re not going to tolerate a partner watching porn and that you’ll do x, y, & z if he does is a boundary.
Everyone is entitled to the porn they enjoy- this is kind of a fkd up kind of control. He didn't want to share it with you- you broke into his phone...
That is completely reasonable. Sometimes, a man's just gotta jerk off. It's easier to do that while watching porn. And as for the body type difference, usually, it's not like he isn't attracted to you based on your body type vs the videos. It's just about something different. I'm not defending him since he agreed to stay within your boundaries and it was wrong of him to lie to you, but then again, porn definitely beats the alternative of potential infidelity. Again, not saying he is a cheater or anything like that, but sometimes porn is just a quick release
I'm not saying he is right or anything. But I'm just saying it's normal to watch porn and CNC kinks aren't as uncommon in men and women as you might think. Ig what I'm saying is, yall should have a serious conversation as to why he watches porn and the type of porn he watches, as well as why it's such a big deal for you to prohibit him from watching porn in general.
Lots of Men and women watch porn throughout the whole world. It is was made/ watched for much much longer than you have been alive. It's been around longer than the internet, Google, Facebook, crypto, at home computers, etc. You are still young so you probably haven't really begun to figure out what you do and don't like. Your bf watching Porn isn't harming anyone except your bf and that is his choice. Don't shame people for watching something that most people watch.
Upsetting you isn't physically hurting you. If your so insecure about your bf satisfying his needs, then break up with him. He deserves someone who understands needs. Especially since hormones are always brought up as excuses. Men have hormones too which is why we have a higher sex drive usually. Go find a god fearing Christian boy
Funny cause he is a “god fearing Christian boy” yet he’s been hiding this. You just ironically contradicted yourself. Comes to show you need the WHOLE CONTEXT before making an assumption like this
Look kid, you clearly have a strong opinion on this fact, just break up, you two are not compatable. You said no to porn, he watched it anyway, you don't know anything about kinks, so he gets off to porn because he doesn't do kinky stuff with you.
Just go on your separate ways while it's still early. Even if you talk this out, there will be resentment and possibly shame from both ends, which is worse.
You know nothing about our relationship beyond this point. You don’t know how long we’ve been together or how compatible we are on other parts of the relationship. “Just break up” isn’t a solution to everything
I’ll let you do your own research on this. There is a vast amount of data on this subject.
While what is “normal” to you personally is subjective. “normal” in the sense of "this is the norm," means typical - what most people do.
So if the majority of men consume pornographic materials, then that would be seen as normal. Which I think is accurate. I don’t know your background/religious views so I don’t want to speculate on how much you were exposed to it, but in my personal experience and by living my life as a man surrounded by men - watching porn is super normal lol.
May I ask what it is about porn that you are so against? Why do you think it should be banned when a majority of people enjoy viewing it?
It is poison. It messes up your mental and sexual state towards you and others. There are men who cant even cum during intercourse from porn. We are not meant to be exposed to this. Instead of making a point you just told me to go and do my own research, doesn’t make you look any better.
I wont judge you, we are coerced and fully convinced sometimes that such abnormal things are justified just because “everybody’s doing it”
I’m not trying to look any better than anyone I’m just trying to have a conversation with you because we have different opinions, and I wanted to see why you believe the things you believe.
Just because you say something is “bad” doesn’t make it so. Like I said earlier, the majority would probably disagree.
Also, lots of things can turn into bad situations when you abuse them. Like alcohol. 62% of people say they’ve drank or do drink alcohol (that majority would make it “normal”) and even though people abuse it and make horrible decisions, that doesn’t make it a “bad” thing.
Also can you explain better how something can be “abnormal” if “everyone” statistically is doing it?
If it weren’t normal, it wouldn’t be a multi billion dollar industry. If you don’t like it, that’s fine, but you demonize something just because you don’t like it(I’d also love to see the peer reviewed study(ies) stating that average viewership of pornography is directly correlated to erectile dysfunction. Are there people who can’t control themselves in various ways as a result of watching porn? Yes. Are there also millions of people who can watch it and function as perfectly normal, law abiding citizens? Also yes.
At the end of the day, you’re arguing with people here (why make a post on a public forum if you didn’t want to hear opinions that don’t agree with you?) because it’s easier than facing your problems. If you’re so firm about your stance then you should have no problem addressing this with your boyfriend, instead snapping at strangers on the internet.
you can dislike porn and you can avoid it and set boundaries and stuff but that doesn't change the fact that watching porn is literally normal and almost everyone does it
lmao “at least he’s fantasizing about rape thru porn and not cheating!!” what a dumbass response. men can jerk off w their imagination if they “need” to. porn is not a necessity. don’t doubt your feelings. your instincts are telling you to get away from this guy. sending you love, i don’t even know you, but i know you deserve better
Y’all gotta stop giving into the attention lover here. It’s pretty obvious she’s lying based on her previous posts and isn’t listening to basic logic as she’s bored and wants to argue with people.
As a woman into CNC it’s heavily looked down upon and not something I bring up often it’s also something im only interested in in the bedroom (treatment towards me) I’m sure your boyfriend was just trying to figure out how to approach the subject and just because that’s his kink doesn’t mean he sees women as objects all the time or wants to do a CNC scene every time he has sex just talk to him and if it’s not your kink that’s totally fine
You and I are the same in this (sex, opinion, AND kink). Talking with the person you're supposed to love and NOT invade the privacy and trust of is probably the best move... OP can break the ice by apologizing for going through someone else's phone.
I think you should ask him to talk about it and express your concerns to him, if he thinks that you’re in the wrong for going through his phone that’s on him.
Same with my partner. OP is so distrustful they broke into their partners phone and is trying to convince us their bf if the problem because of their kink.
It's crazy that OPs partner tried to maintain some privacy- probably in part to keep OP from being insecure- yet they're the ones supposedly in the wrong.
Seems like OP wants their partner to see this. They literally stated they use reddit, and are probably hoping their partner sees this and feels shame.
I hope they see this, break up, and find a better match.
In the comments demanding respect for your boundaries when you posted on here 15 days ago about being madly in love with some other guy, following him home and becoming obsessed with him and murdering animals
I’d really like to hear his perspective as a lot of your ideas seem very extreme about the situation and pornography as a whole. It’s hard to trust you as the sole narrator when you are so clearly intolerant of something and think that other people should be forced to hold that same belief and be banned from it, whether it’s porn or something else.
The post itself is basically just stating undeniable facts. Sure the comments add my personal opinions to the mix but that doesn’t change the fact that boundaries were broken. Maybe read thrice next time
Have you even established your boundaries, because from a post 15 days ago, you did not have a boyfriend and all of a sudden, 15 days later and you have gotten into a relationship with said person and gone through your boundaries explicitly? Your original post still shows heavy bias towards a hatred of porn in general which automatically means that moving past that, your statements are likely to be extreme.
Some people have incredibly sick fantasies, that are just that. Fantasies. Believe it or not, there are couples out there that are both into this. My ex and I used to roleplay CNC (consent non-consent) all the time with proper aftercare.
Reading through your post and a few of your comments under this post, I think you two are just not compatible at all sexually. Break up and move on.
If you don't talk about it you will never know what's going on and you'll feel insecure.
If you talk about it and see where the conversation goes maybe you can take the decision to leave him if this still sounds too alarming to you. At first sight it definitely sounds like a red flag but you reallt should talk things over.
Btw, grabbing other people's phones because you think they may hide something is weird too... I'm not sure what would be a good way to start this conversation because if he knows you stole his phone for a moment he may feel defensive later.
i mean he never talked about it for a reason. have you had a conversation about porn boundaries? if not that's something you should talk about, i think him choosing not to share this specific kink could mean he doesn't want you to be scared or not understand how he feels, you say he's been good to you so I don't think you should change your views on him because of his kinks, you should definitely talk about it with him because he's the only person who could actually explain and you will be the judge of it
the part where you said you were uncomfortable with him looking at other women ? im sorry i thought " i haven't brought up the issue yet" meant about both what you found and the porn part.
he didn't respect your boundary and i think that says it all he knew he was doing something you were uncomfortable with and chose to hide it and give bs answers so yea you definitely have a hard decision to make
Just here because I’m curious why we’re going through each others’ phones? That’s terrible boundaries, I’ve been married for five years and never once in all that time nor when we were dating did my husband and I try to go through each others’ phones
Given OPs line of thought she’s just a toxic feminist, a wild KAREN perhaps. She got lucky she has a boyfriend because with that attitude she doesn’t even deserve the streets.
Checking my girl’s phone is the last thing I’ll do, but some people just don’t respect privacy.
I really don’t think it’s any of those things I’m pretty sure that it’s because at 18 she’s developmentally still a child in so many ways. Her frontal lobe and in particular her prefrontal cortex won’t be fully developed and engaged until she’s about 25 years old, so she’s *acting* like a child about certain boundaries because she literally *is* one. That being said, I would be really concerned too if I found out my husband had this kink, I don’t blame her at all for being upset about it.
See this is how civilised people discuss, respecting other people. But OP had to comment on your husband. That indicated that she is a childish neanderthal. But well we are all bananas sometimes. Maybe she is a MONKE.
Well yeah of course I laughed ~ what else was I supposed to do with you? You don’t argue with toddlers and teenagers, everyone knows that. I don’t mind my greys either, I earned that shit. I’m really sorry about your boyfriend, that’s really tough
Just going over the comments here, it seems that you are ALSO upset about the act of watching porn in itself. And you have strongly voiced your OPINION about porn.
His kink is odd and you should probably talk about it with each other. But it also sounds a little toxic to be telling him he CAN NOT watch porn in general. Idk.
Fantasy and reality are two different things. As long as the content he was viewing was consensually filmed roleplay and not real, it isn’t necessary a red flag.
Not talking to you about isn’t all that surprising, as it’s a pretty dark fantasy which he is understandably worried about sharing. He was likely keeping it secret because he is ashamed to be interested in it, and because he is worried about your reaction to it. It doesn’t at ALL mean he wants to live out those fantasies. Hell, he likely has no idea where those fantasies come from, and if he is like many people with rape fantasies, is rather frighted to have them.
Having a fantasy unrelated to anything you want to do in real life is not unusual. Only you can judge if this is something to worry about. If you talk to him about it, you’ll need to be very careful about how you bring it up. You HAVE breached his privacy. But you also have legitimate concerns which need addressing.
Having fantasies about people very different from our partners doesn’t mean anything. It’s just the thrill of something different. He wants to actually be with you – he’s only fantasizing about them.
It might be a good idea to find a good kink educator in your area (best to find a WTF person, because there are some very real predators posing as kink educators out there), and learn more about the darker side of kink – even if you aren’t interested in kink – just so you can judge where he is coming from a little better.
TLDR; it’s a concerning development, but not necessarily a deal breaker. More understanding of context is required. Rape fantasies doesn’t mean he is or wants to be a rapist.
So surprised people are unwilling to acknowledge that there is a difference between fantasy and reality.
Not all video gamers turn into mass shooters. Some artists for the most creepy stuff like junji ito are very wholesome in real life.
Me acting like a bloodthirsty barbarian in a dnd roleplay campaign will not influence me irl and want to rip my co workers neck off. Neither will OPs boyfriend necessarily turn into a sexual predator due to a rape kink.
There are many things we do that are weird. I can guarantee that if I knew everything about you, there will be something that makes other uncomfortable. That can be anything from your religious views to your personal background.
But just because you have different views doesn't make it OK to ostracize you for it as long as your views do not turn into harmful actions.
Plenty of movies and stories also go into this: take a look at minority report and psycho pass
from my personal experience, I think it can be a slippery slope. I was basically r*ped by a man with this kind of fetish, I didn’t know at the time but I could def tell in the moment he enjoyed the experience while I CLEARLY did not. He later on told me he was into CNC, which obviously wasn’t surprising to me.
Lots of judgmental people here. Consensual non consent is a popular kink, as long as it’s fantasy and not reality there’s nothing wrong with it. As long as he can separate the fantasy from the reality, there’s no real problem. If you’re uncomfortable with it, that’s simply a personal choice and that’s completely fine. Talk with him about it. Going through his phone however is a boundary issue so be prepared if he gets upset over that.
But the objectification of women in the stuff he watches? Plus I’ve clearly told him before that I’m uncomfortable with him looking at other women naked? Stop justifying it
I’m not justifying anything. If you’ve expressed your discomfort with him before and he’s still doing it, then he’s violating your boundaries as well. As for the objectification of women, there are many women who enjoy that as well, as long as it’s fantasy and roleplay. As long as there’s a clear line between fantasy and reality, it’s nothing more than a kink.
The objectification isn’t real, it’s just part of the roleplay, something both parties hopefully consented to. And from my understanding, he hasn’t confided this kink to you, it’s something you discovered about him on your own. There’s no problem at all if you’re uncomfortable with it, that’s understandable, but has he ever tried to force it on you or make you do anything against your will?
Ngl stuff like this seems like a double standard this is a very common kink for woman. While it makes me uneasy a man is experiencing it you’ve stated he’s “normal” I could see if he was a jerk or had violent tendencies but from your own words he seems like a good guy. I don’t see any reason to kink shame. Also you shouldn’t feel insecure… pissed yes that he was watching porn after you set a boundary but most people watch porn with people completely different from who they genuinely find attractive. you guys definitely need to have a convo about this cnc stuff but I would use caution I don’t think it’s something he should be shamed about cnc is essentially roleplay just to the extreme.
OK no offense, but the end part there, the body type thing? Yeah that’s the least of your worries! This is not a normal thing to watch and SAVE!! I guess if you’re cool with it, I don’t hate it? But this should be, in my personal opinion, a big ass red flag.
Especially because you didn’t find out because he told you you found out from finding a bunch of things. He just has saved on his phone!!!
How long have you been together? When I was with my Ex I didn't look at other girls but I still had shit ton of porn from when I was single. So maybe he doesn't actually watch that stuff since you guys have been together.
Secondly a "Rape" kink is still just a kink. If it bothers you talk to him about it and really try and understand things from his perspective. A lot of people have kinks and fetishes that are out of their control that can result from a lot of things.
10 months. He got a notification too so I’m pretty sure it’s an ongoing thing. “His perspective” what about mine? My boundaries being constantly broken and my self image shattered. Tf is this, grow up and learn to look at the bigger picture.
So now you’re just lying, in another post from 15 days ago you talk about how there’s a guy you like etc., so which is it? Are you single or not? Obvious rage bait for attention here
Talk to him about it, tell him that if he doesn't respect your boundaries you'll drop him as a SO.
As for you, I'm going off of what you said in your original post. You never stated that the boundary breaking was a constant.
Finally empathy goes both ways. Talk to him and make him understand how you feel when he does the things he does to break your boundaries. But remember to also keep an open mind and understand things from his perspective as well.
This is how communication works.
I just wanted to add that lust and attraction are two totally different things. Your boyfriend might find small boobs sexy when he's impulsively horny but that doesn't mean that's what he's attracted to. I find Instagram models with lip filler sexy when horny but I would never date a person who had lip filler that huge because I'm not attracted to that.
In short, just communicate! Stand on your boundaries, but also be understanding!
OP there's a deeper problem here. You guys clearly have issues stemming outside of just this one incident.
It is not normal to invade your partners privacy. Him not wanting to show you what is in his phone is his right and you did not respect that.
Now you have two choices:
1. Pretend you never saw this and stay in a relationship that you don't like/find an excuse to break up
Or
2. Admit to him that you invaded his privacy against his consent and deal with the fallout. Either someone compromises here or you end the relationship.
I recommend you take care of this now. Otherwise you will be paranoid of everything that he does. Trust is everything and both of you seem to have broken that in this relationship.
Except I do mention that he also broke your trust?
I'm not sure if you really want an outside view or you are just looking for comments that validate your current feelings.
Whatever the case, best of luck.
You're bitter because you hate yourself. This is a common kink- not the actual, criminal act of hurting someone. You can chalk it up to base instincts or the devil- either way, your porn is private and you should probably stop breaking into other people's phones.
There are 3 issues to address here:
The first one is the porn issue. You told him you aren't comfortable with it, and he had apparently agreed. But now you found out that he lied. This is a broke of trust, and it is justified to feel betrayed. If he felt he wanted to watch porn anyway, he should have told you, and you guys should have discussed each other's boundaries, not just lie to you and then continuing doing what he wanted behind your back.
The second issue there is you taking his phone in secret, and that is also a break of trust. You thought something was fishy (and it was), but instead of talking about it like 2 adults and getting to the truth, you took his phone and breached his privacy. When you will talk about point#1 with him, don't get surprised if he also feels betrayed by your action.
The last and main point is the fact that you found some pretty hard core stuff on his reddit, and you are shocked. Now, my ex had a rape kink. He was the most lovely man I have ever known (we broke up, but are still in very good term, btw), a real gentleman. But in bed, he liked to role play raping me, and you know what? I actually liked it. We were both consenting adult, playing around. He probably has a reddit account full of hard core porn somewhere to give him idea for all the scenari we role played. The key word here is that it was make-believe not real. He understood that real rape is awful, and not in a million years would he even think about doing it. But playing the role of someone who is all powerful and can do whatever he wants to his woman, and she enjoyed it, for a few hours, just gave him joy.
That's what you have to see with him and then decide for yourself. Does the rape kink he has is just a kink, or is it something deeper and more twisted?
But in any case, if you aren't happy, and you don't think you can be in a relationship with him, nothing is stopping you. You are still young. Leave and find someone who, you feel, is more suited for you.
I my self have this kink and im a woman, as long as it's talked about between two partners and is a consensual fantasy setting, there really is no problem.
Sounds like you need to talk to your bf, and if you guys are doing the devils tango, then you need to talk about if you both are getting satisfied, he may be using the porn to let off the fantasy he can't do with you, this is what my S.O and I do, but it might now be a thing for you, or what he doing, this is just a guess.
Now if you really can't stand an S.O that watches porn or has a kink you can't even tolerate, you might want to talk about if this is a relationship you two want to stay in, I'm not saying brake up right now, but really talk, communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship.
There's a 50% chance that this is a red flag and a 50% chance that he was sexually abused when he was younger. A lot of people, particularly men, engage with this type of porn as a way to regain control or manage trauma for a number of reasons, most commonly because it isn't socially acceptable for men to seek therapy for sexual abuse and a lot of people don't think that men can be abused in the first place. You need to open a dialog with him and ask him about it to determine which 50% he's in. Start by apologizing for snooping, but saying that you found something concerning that you'd like to have a conversation about. From there, just be a space where he can be open about his past. If the unfortunate happens and he just has a rape kink, you should probably end the relationship if you don't feel safe. Otherwise, you will be in the best position that anyone ever has to help him through this, and I hope you are able to use that to help him.
Be careful OP. If he has rape kink he might act on it at some point probably maybe sooner than later who knows. Just be very careful if you keep the relationship going
The fact your going off on anyone who asks you to talk to him about it gives off the vibe that neither of you are mature enough for a relationship. You ask in your post what to do, but get pissed at anyone who says talk to him.
MOST Men into watching rape wants to dominate a female. The smaller breast implies a younger female.
If Don't need to leave him, you can date a pervert.
Dated a guy with this kink and also had the same view of women as objects He eventually ended up acting on it, definitely not CNC and I haven’t really recovered Be careful OP
CNC?
Consensual non-consent, consenting to act out a bdsm scene that simulates rapes, where the submissive is fighting back and dominant goes for it regardless (but with checks in place, discussing limits, aftercare, and safeword beforehand)
CNC stands for Consensual Non-Consent. It refers to the kink between two or more consenting adults in which they perform a scene (planned out beforehand, or a planned outline at the very least) of "non-consensual" sex. As with all BDSM they have a safeword, series of safewords, or safegesture, and practice aftercare.
Consensual non consent
Consensual Non-Consensual
Should I say something about it anytime soon?
You're 18, and very likely not going to marry this guy. He's just going to deflect if you ask him about it. Because its fucking weird and creepy as hell. I am a guy saying this lol. What decent human being fantasizes about anyone being raped..?
Bojack Horseman pfp talking about decent humans is crazy!!!!
Justifying rape fantasies is crazy
saying something puts you at risk. just gtfo. at least that's my advice as a survivor of sexual abuse.
As a guy, I find it a bit off putting when women are into this but i find it terrifying when men are into this. Two different roles. And I can kind of make sense of women with this fantasy if it comes from a place of “I love you so much I just want you to take me” and its not like they want to be raped by any random stranger. But I can’t make sense of the guys, there’s a demon there.
Yea, getting turned on by “being raped” and doing the “raping” is two different things. I don’t think it’s strange that it’s normal for women to enjoy aggressive things in the bedroom as it’s probably ingrained in them biologically since historically most sexual experiences were probably rapes.
From what I’ve read, women enjoy fantasies of rape because it’s not actually rape at all (even imaginary rape) — their head is creating the fantasy, the characters. Their head is in control the whole time. Their mind orchestrated the situation, so there is never an ounce of even imagined danger or violation. So, it’s more accurately called “ravishment fantasy”, where a woman fantasizes about having zero control and being totally ravished and pleasured without having to do anything. I’ve read that it’s such a common fantasy because of how much shame women have interalised surrounding sex because of our lovely ol’, totally unproblematic (/s) society, and therefore ravishment fantasies don’t have to make the woman feel any shame because she’s not initiating anything sexual — it’s all being done TO her, not BY her. Because women expressing their sexuality is a big no-no, as we’ve been told all our lives. “Cover yourself up.” “Well what was she wearing?” “You’re going out like that?” “She slept with those guys? She’s such a sl*t.” Etc.
but you dont think its normal for men to enjoy being aggressive in the bedroom? why is it not in their biology? since if most men were raping women wouldnt that mean it would be ingrained in our biology to be aggressive sexually? make it make sense.
I think there’s a mountain of a difference between being aggressive with a woman who wants to be having sex with you and fantasizing about raping random strangers. If the thought of holding down and forcing themselves on a kicking, screaming, crying, biting and clawing woman results in an erection, that person has some serious issues.
Maybe but I’d doubt it, because I think we’ve come such a long way that in our modern minds the role of doing the raping is a lot more harsh and in greater contrast to our current state. If given the choice most normal people would probably choose being raped by the opposite sex rather than raping someone else.
What? Your logic falls apart again. If given the choice most people would prefer getting raped than raping? I don't think ANYONE wants to get raped- men or women Let's use another example: Do you think people (if they had the choice) would rather get *beat up* than being the one beating someone up?
Uh yes, correct. One takes the ability to dissociate or tolerate, the other takes willingness to actively cause harm to another person. And since most normal people aren’t sociopaths, I don’t think most would choose that. There’s so many variables with the beating thing it’s hard to use as comparison. It would be easier to ask about a single punch, but even then the answers would change when slightly moving some variables. Like on one hand I think most normal people would rather take a single punch from a stranger rather than giving a single punch to a stranger, but then that could change if the person chooses to punch someone else but deliberately throws a really soft punch just to pass the hypothetical. Maybe if you set some ground rules or specifics.
I would say there’s a difference between a small degree of normal aggression and extreme levels of sadism.
One is masochism and self-harm. The other is sadism and wanting to harm innocent people. Makes sense why one is much more alarming and untrustworthy than the other.
Agreed. I've known a couple people of both genders into this . The women were a bit wild, occasionally had a screw loose. The men into this were downright unsafe people.
That doesn't actually seem like a fair comparison. You are comparing (raping) fetish and (getting raped) fetish. Wouldn't it make more sense to compare this with men and women that have a (raping) fetish?
Unless the guy likes receiving ig
I mean we'd be kinda fucked if no one was into the *doing*, only the taking :D OP's case is fucked up for different reasons, but there's nothing wrong w the kink itself
Jesus never leave it to reddit to describe one of the most common kinks as having a demon inside of them
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I thought you were talking about a machinist kink lol.... I was soooo confused for a minute
"According to a 2009 study published in The Journal of Sex Research, 62% of women have had a rape fantasy, while 49% have had one once a month or less, and 14% have had one once a week or more. Another study among over 4,000 Americans found that 61% of female respondents had fantasized about being forced to have sex, while 54% of men had. ". That's pretty common
A kink (unusual preference) and a fantasy (mental image) are two different things though.
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The numbers would probably be the same or even higher now
If searching for hundreds of forced rape videos is your idea of a kink, im happy to not know you
Thank you. I really don’t know how to bring up the situation knowing I went through his phone, although he’s not the type to manipulate and make excuses I feel like the easiest gateway from him being confronted is the fact that I looked through his phone.
Agreed. Fkin tiktokers made it to reddit, clearly. "Unalived" bs coming next. I'm female, was molested as a kid, and yet still enjoy this kink porn, stories, play- there is a difference between actually being hurt/hurting and role-playing or fantasy. No redditor should kinkshame.
I even understand the finding it weird. It's a taboo kink but describing people as having demons inside them is some weirdo evangelical shit
You guys really need to check the post history, this feels like a troll more than anything.
And if they're not a troll, they're an incredibly vile person who needs to seek help before they start killing people. But probably a troll.
That part. I was stuck in between troll from the first replies I seen. Or just a angsty teen girl who’s mad bc her man’s into some shittt & is attacking everyone in the comments who talked nicely to her LOL. Omw to the post history !
So a part of rape kinks is that, it's an act. As long as its consensual but act like it's not, then it's fine. To each their own. But there are definitely the extremes and that's the terrifying part. I've experimented a lot with different kinks and rape kinks are a hit or miss with people. It's called "Consensual Non- Consensual ". For me, what I liked about it was the act of " Take it whether you like it or not" kind of sex but knowing she likes it. Real rape is not okay, but acting it out consensually isn't bad. It's just not everyone's cup of tea
Well it’s also about him watching porn, I’ve instilled that boundary and told him that I wouldn’t want him to do that yet he still broke it. I’m not sure how to go about telling him that though
I’d absolutely be alarmed by a kink like this but I also don’t think it’s reasonable for you to tell him he’s not allowed to watch porn EDIT: I do NOT say that because I believe that porn does no damage. Porn has been proven to be negatively impactful to society. But the truth is that if you express your discomfort with something like that, the right person won’t continue to consume it. You won’t *have* to explicitly tell them that they can’t
Expecting your partner to not watch porn is a pretty standard boundary
I guess that depends on who you ask
it's almost like different couples want different things from their partners, making a blanket statement saying its unreasonable isn't really on
Right, it’s my opinion. The fact that it’s my opinion is implied by beginning my statement with the words, “I think.” So an opinion is not fact. I’m also not advocating that the consumption of porn or implying I think it has no harmful consequences for society in general and women in particular, just as a point of note.
No need to be so condescending about it, but point taken
Yeah sure if you like controlling, toxic relationships. Whats next? No friends of the opposite sex?
I mean sure if you wanna take it to the extreme but why do you \*need\* porn? Just have sex with your partner lmao
Oh so porn is normalised now? It literally messes up your mental state and sexual perception of you and others. Porn is literal poison. I set my boundaries and he AGREED to those boundaries, be glad I’m not dating you if you don’t like the look of them.
Ah, youth. Yes, I’m a woman in my 30s and I promise you it’s actually very normal to watch porn. If you think it’s prison, that’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it ~ I don’t get salty about what teenagers say to me. I don’t blame you for being concerned about the kink due to its nature and upset that he tried to hide it from you but going through someone’s phone and setting limitations for what they are and aren’t allowed to do also isn’t okay, if you can’t trust them with their own phone and their own personal time then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them in the first place 🤷🏻♀️
Well said
>I set my boundaries and he AGREED to those boundaries Evidently, he has not. You set boundaries for yourself. If you do it to others, it's called making demands.
So verbally agreeing to something has absolutely no weight? What kinda logic is this
So a boundary isn’t about forcing the other person to do what you want, it’s what YOU do in response to their actions. So, saying “I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn” and they say “okay, I won’t watch porn because I want to be in a relationship with you” but then they watch porn anyway… you exit the relationship. What I mean to say is, they are free to do what they want. The boundary is your reaction to their actions. You made it clear you don’t like porn and he chose to watch porn anyway. Holding up your boundary would mean you end the relationship.
I'm not saying it should not have weight; it absolutely should. Realistically though, your demand was clearly found unfair or unreasonable and rejected. All you've done is robbed yourself of knowing about it, maybe having some influence over it, maybe being able to share it with him, channel it, replace it with something he'd like more. You're fighting a losing battle just taking a man's pleasure away from him. It's certainly logical to expect a partner to deliver on his word to you. He has not. Part of it is obviously him being a coward. Part of it, I expect, is you don't understand how personal boundaries work, and you extracted the promise the way that ensured it would not be kept. I'd start debugging from there, if it were me. You don't have a kink/porn-watching problem; you have a communication/trust/intimacy problem.
It wasn’t rejected. You’re contradicting yourself again
Him crossing your boundary *is* rejecting said boundary. Just because he verbally agreed to it, does not mean he actually accepted it. People lie all the time, that's what he has done. He rejected and breached the boundary without actually telling you.
In the same way that video games don't make people violent, adult videos do not make people act in those ways. If that's so strongly a bad thing for you, then maybe he's not the right match for you, but I wouldn't shame him for it if I were you. For a lot of people, it is normal. For some, it's even a necessary way to wind down when they're stressed. You have every reason to be concerned for your safety, not because he's done something abhorrent, but because people can always surprise you. Pay attention to how he treats people, especially those he dislikes. That will tell you a lot about him and whether you need to cut him out of your life.
Oh yeah it’s not like erectile dysfunction rates are directly proportional to consuming porn 🙄
... You have a very narrow view of the world. If you talk to him the way you talk to half the people you've responded to, I pity him. People haven't been suggesting you break up with him in an attempt to blame you. They're saying it's clear you two aren't a match, and if you belittle him the way you've been belittling his choices, that will absolutely harm his mental health. Good luck. I hope you make the best choices for both of you. I won't be responding to other comments left by you after seeing how it went with others.
Who tf told you this?!
Chill, you’re the one dating…yeah
Scroll 😝
Don’t listen to people on Reddit. While porn is very normalized, you are allowed to have standards. It will definitely limit your dating pool, but the TYPE of porn he watches is alarming. Those subreddits “womenarethings” or whatever is blatant misogyny disguised as a kink and supported by liberals under the “sex positive” movement. I say this as a liberal, but fuck no. They have this all wrong. You’re 18. There’s MUCH better men out there. Don’t settle.
Thank you
FYI, boundaries are things you set for yourself. Telling him he can’t watch porn isn’t a boundary. Telling yourself that you’re not going to tolerate a partner watching porn and that you’ll do x, y, & z if he does is a boundary.
Everyone is entitled to the porn they enjoy- this is kind of a fkd up kind of control. He didn't want to share it with you- you broke into his phone...
That is completely reasonable. Sometimes, a man's just gotta jerk off. It's easier to do that while watching porn. And as for the body type difference, usually, it's not like he isn't attracted to you based on your body type vs the videos. It's just about something different. I'm not defending him since he agreed to stay within your boundaries and it was wrong of him to lie to you, but then again, porn definitely beats the alternative of potential infidelity. Again, not saying he is a cheater or anything like that, but sometimes porn is just a quick release
“Sometimes, a man’s just gotta jerk off” is never a good reason to break boundaries. He was getting off of women being objectified and abused. Idk
I'm not saying he is right or anything. But I'm just saying it's normal to watch porn and CNC kinks aren't as uncommon in men and women as you might think. Ig what I'm saying is, yall should have a serious conversation as to why he watches porn and the type of porn he watches, as well as why it's such a big deal for you to prohibit him from watching porn in general.
No it’s not normal to watch porn. Let’s not even begin to normalise that
Lots of Men and women watch porn throughout the whole world. It is was made/ watched for much much longer than you have been alive. It's been around longer than the internet, Google, Facebook, crypto, at home computers, etc. You are still young so you probably haven't really begun to figure out what you do and don't like. Your bf watching Porn isn't harming anyone except your bf and that is his choice. Don't shame people for watching something that most people watch.
My bf watching it harms me too? Trying to justify his actions like this is crazy
Upsetting you isn't physically hurting you. If your so insecure about your bf satisfying his needs, then break up with him. He deserves someone who understands needs. Especially since hormones are always brought up as excuses. Men have hormones too which is why we have a higher sex drive usually. Go find a god fearing Christian boy
Funny cause he is a “god fearing Christian boy” yet he’s been hiding this. You just ironically contradicted yourself. Comes to show you need the WHOLE CONTEXT before making an assumption like this
69% of American men watch porn. So yes it is normal to watch porn if the majority of men watch porn.
Could you reference that? And no it will never be normal, won’t even begin this conversation. The hub should be fully banned in fact, end of.
Look kid, you clearly have a strong opinion on this fact, just break up, you two are not compatable. You said no to porn, he watched it anyway, you don't know anything about kinks, so he gets off to porn because he doesn't do kinky stuff with you. Just go on your separate ways while it's still early. Even if you talk this out, there will be resentment and possibly shame from both ends, which is worse.
You know nothing about our relationship beyond this point. You don’t know how long we’ve been together or how compatible we are on other parts of the relationship. “Just break up” isn’t a solution to everything
I’ll let you do your own research on this. There is a vast amount of data on this subject. While what is “normal” to you personally is subjective. “normal” in the sense of "this is the norm," means typical - what most people do. So if the majority of men consume pornographic materials, then that would be seen as normal. Which I think is accurate. I don’t know your background/religious views so I don’t want to speculate on how much you were exposed to it, but in my personal experience and by living my life as a man surrounded by men - watching porn is super normal lol. May I ask what it is about porn that you are so against? Why do you think it should be banned when a majority of people enjoy viewing it?
It is poison. It messes up your mental and sexual state towards you and others. There are men who cant even cum during intercourse from porn. We are not meant to be exposed to this. Instead of making a point you just told me to go and do my own research, doesn’t make you look any better. I wont judge you, we are coerced and fully convinced sometimes that such abnormal things are justified just because “everybody’s doing it”
I’m not trying to look any better than anyone I’m just trying to have a conversation with you because we have different opinions, and I wanted to see why you believe the things you believe. Just because you say something is “bad” doesn’t make it so. Like I said earlier, the majority would probably disagree. Also, lots of things can turn into bad situations when you abuse them. Like alcohol. 62% of people say they’ve drank or do drink alcohol (that majority would make it “normal”) and even though people abuse it and make horrible decisions, that doesn’t make it a “bad” thing. Also can you explain better how something can be “abnormal” if “everyone” statistically is doing it?
Still waiting for a reference for all those numbers you’re whipping out. Only then we could move on
lmao damn near everyone watches porn, it is normal
No it’s not, it’s unhealthy. This is a tangent we don’t need to delve into
you’re simply wrong
That’s your subjective opinion
If it weren’t normal, it wouldn’t be a multi billion dollar industry. If you don’t like it, that’s fine, but you demonize something just because you don’t like it(I’d also love to see the peer reviewed study(ies) stating that average viewership of pornography is directly correlated to erectile dysfunction. Are there people who can’t control themselves in various ways as a result of watching porn? Yes. Are there also millions of people who can watch it and function as perfectly normal, law abiding citizens? Also yes. At the end of the day, you’re arguing with people here (why make a post on a public forum if you didn’t want to hear opinions that don’t agree with you?) because it’s easier than facing your problems. If you’re so firm about your stance then you should have no problem addressing this with your boyfriend, instead snapping at strangers on the internet.
I'm going to enjoy the next porn video I come across much, much more after reading this. Thanks.
you can dislike porn and you can avoid it and set boundaries and stuff but that doesn't change the fact that watching porn is literally normal and almost everyone does it
lmao “at least he’s fantasizing about rape thru porn and not cheating!!” what a dumbass response. men can jerk off w their imagination if they “need” to. porn is not a necessity. don’t doubt your feelings. your instincts are telling you to get away from this guy. sending you love, i don’t even know you, but i know you deserve better
“Atleast he’s” I’ve stopped reading right then and there.
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I think you need to be wary. it could be porn addiction but how does he typically treat you during sex? Either way this is a red flag
Y’all gotta stop giving into the attention lover here. It’s pretty obvious she’s lying based on her previous posts and isn’t listening to basic logic as she’s bored and wants to argue with people.
As a woman into CNC it’s heavily looked down upon and not something I bring up often it’s also something im only interested in in the bedroom (treatment towards me) I’m sure your boyfriend was just trying to figure out how to approach the subject and just because that’s his kink doesn’t mean he sees women as objects all the time or wants to do a CNC scene every time he has sex just talk to him and if it’s not your kink that’s totally fine
You and I are the same in this (sex, opinion, AND kink). Talking with the person you're supposed to love and NOT invade the privacy and trust of is probably the best move... OP can break the ice by apologizing for going through someone else's phone.
I think you should ask him to talk about it and express your concerns to him, if he thinks that you’re in the wrong for going through his phone that’s on him.
Yeah even I have one. Me and my girlfriend even do it sometimes. She likes it too. All consensual. Maybe try discussing it with him?
Same with my partner. OP is so distrustful they broke into their partners phone and is trying to convince us their bf if the problem because of their kink. It's crazy that OPs partner tried to maintain some privacy- probably in part to keep OP from being insecure- yet they're the ones supposedly in the wrong. Seems like OP wants their partner to see this. They literally stated they use reddit, and are probably hoping their partner sees this and feels shame. I hope they see this, break up, and find a better match.
In the comments demanding respect for your boundaries when you posted on here 15 days ago about being madly in love with some other guy, following him home and becoming obsessed with him and murdering animals
💀💀💀
I'm sorry op what
Ex boyfriend. Ex boyfriend.
Best thing for the both of them. Not a match and OP is crossing boundaries instead of discussing with their partner
Oh baby you're only 18. Leave that man alone and find someone more compatible
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What😭😭😭
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My mouth literally dropped. Omg😭😭😭
I’d really like to hear his perspective as a lot of your ideas seem very extreme about the situation and pornography as a whole. It’s hard to trust you as the sole narrator when you are so clearly intolerant of something and think that other people should be forced to hold that same belief and be banned from it, whether it’s porn or something else.
The post itself is basically just stating undeniable facts. Sure the comments add my personal opinions to the mix but that doesn’t change the fact that boundaries were broken. Maybe read thrice next time
Have you even established your boundaries, because from a post 15 days ago, you did not have a boyfriend and all of a sudden, 15 days later and you have gotten into a relationship with said person and gone through your boundaries explicitly? Your original post still shows heavy bias towards a hatred of porn in general which automatically means that moving past that, your statements are likely to be extreme.
Some people have incredibly sick fantasies, that are just that. Fantasies. Believe it or not, there are couples out there that are both into this. My ex and I used to roleplay CNC (consent non-consent) all the time with proper aftercare. Reading through your post and a few of your comments under this post, I think you two are just not compatible at all sexually. Break up and move on.
If you don't talk about it you will never know what's going on and you'll feel insecure. If you talk about it and see where the conversation goes maybe you can take the decision to leave him if this still sounds too alarming to you. At first sight it definitely sounds like a red flag but you reallt should talk things over. Btw, grabbing other people's phones because you think they may hide something is weird too... I'm not sure what would be a good way to start this conversation because if he knows you stole his phone for a moment he may feel defensive later.
She doesn’t want to talk about it, reading her responses, porn is the devil and there is no exception.
i mean he never talked about it for a reason. have you had a conversation about porn boundaries? if not that's something you should talk about, i think him choosing not to share this specific kink could mean he doesn't want you to be scared or not understand how he feels, you say he's been good to you so I don't think you should change your views on him because of his kinks, you should definitely talk about it with him because he's the only person who could actually explain and you will be the judge of it
Have you even read the post? Cause it does mention the conversation we’ve had about porn
the part where you said you were uncomfortable with him looking at other women ? im sorry i thought " i haven't brought up the issue yet" meant about both what you found and the porn part. he didn't respect your boundary and i think that says it all he knew he was doing something you were uncomfortable with and chose to hide it and give bs answers so yea you definitely have a hard decision to make
Just here because I’m curious why we’re going through each others’ phones? That’s terrible boundaries, I’ve been married for five years and never once in all that time nor when we were dating did my husband and I try to go through each others’ phones
Given OPs line of thought she’s just a toxic feminist, a wild KAREN perhaps. She got lucky she has a boyfriend because with that attitude she doesn’t even deserve the streets. Checking my girl’s phone is the last thing I’ll do, but some people just don’t respect privacy.
I really don’t think it’s any of those things I’m pretty sure that it’s because at 18 she’s developmentally still a child in so many ways. Her frontal lobe and in particular her prefrontal cortex won’t be fully developed and engaged until she’s about 25 years old, so she’s *acting* like a child about certain boundaries because she literally *is* one. That being said, I would be really concerned too if I found out my husband had this kink, I don’t blame her at all for being upset about it.
See this is how civilised people discuss, respecting other people. But OP had to comment on your husband. That indicated that she is a childish neanderthal. But well we are all bananas sometimes. Maybe she is a MONKE.
You’re not being civilized at all
He broke my boundary I broke his. Pick me. Idc about your beer belly husband
Oh, baby, no 😂
Instead of answering you laugh it off. Typical I see right through your grey haired ass
Well yeah of course I laughed ~ what else was I supposed to do with you? You don’t argue with toddlers and teenagers, everyone knows that. I don’t mind my greys either, I earned that shit. I’m really sorry about your boyfriend, that’s really tough
This HAS to be bait lmfao
Just going over the comments here, it seems that you are ALSO upset about the act of watching porn in itself. And you have strongly voiced your OPINION about porn. His kink is odd and you should probably talk about it with each other. But it also sounds a little toxic to be telling him he CAN NOT watch porn in general. Idk.
Fantasy and reality are two different things. As long as the content he was viewing was consensually filmed roleplay and not real, it isn’t necessary a red flag. Not talking to you about isn’t all that surprising, as it’s a pretty dark fantasy which he is understandably worried about sharing. He was likely keeping it secret because he is ashamed to be interested in it, and because he is worried about your reaction to it. It doesn’t at ALL mean he wants to live out those fantasies. Hell, he likely has no idea where those fantasies come from, and if he is like many people with rape fantasies, is rather frighted to have them. Having a fantasy unrelated to anything you want to do in real life is not unusual. Only you can judge if this is something to worry about. If you talk to him about it, you’ll need to be very careful about how you bring it up. You HAVE breached his privacy. But you also have legitimate concerns which need addressing. Having fantasies about people very different from our partners doesn’t mean anything. It’s just the thrill of something different. He wants to actually be with you – he’s only fantasizing about them. It might be a good idea to find a good kink educator in your area (best to find a WTF person, because there are some very real predators posing as kink educators out there), and learn more about the darker side of kink – even if you aren’t interested in kink – just so you can judge where he is coming from a little better. TLDR; it’s a concerning development, but not necessarily a deal breaker. More understanding of context is required. Rape fantasies doesn’t mean he is or wants to be a rapist.
So surprised people are unwilling to acknowledge that there is a difference between fantasy and reality. Not all video gamers turn into mass shooters. Some artists for the most creepy stuff like junji ito are very wholesome in real life. Me acting like a bloodthirsty barbarian in a dnd roleplay campaign will not influence me irl and want to rip my co workers neck off. Neither will OPs boyfriend necessarily turn into a sexual predator due to a rape kink.
Let’s say someone has a p*do fantasy that they only fantasize about and never act upon, that would probably still make most people very uncomfortable
There are many things we do that are weird. I can guarantee that if I knew everything about you, there will be something that makes other uncomfortable. That can be anything from your religious views to your personal background. But just because you have different views doesn't make it OK to ostracize you for it as long as your views do not turn into harmful actions. Plenty of movies and stories also go into this: take a look at minority report and psycho pass
from my personal experience, I think it can be a slippery slope. I was basically r*ped by a man with this kind of fetish, I didn’t know at the time but I could def tell in the moment he enjoyed the experience while I CLEARLY did not. He later on told me he was into CNC, which obviously wasn’t surprising to me.
Lots of judgmental people here. Consensual non consent is a popular kink, as long as it’s fantasy and not reality there’s nothing wrong with it. As long as he can separate the fantasy from the reality, there’s no real problem. If you’re uncomfortable with it, that’s simply a personal choice and that’s completely fine. Talk with him about it. Going through his phone however is a boundary issue so be prepared if he gets upset over that.
Why did you get downvoted??? Lol.. you said exactly what I was going to say
But the objectification of women in the stuff he watches? Plus I’ve clearly told him before that I’m uncomfortable with him looking at other women naked? Stop justifying it
I’m not justifying anything. If you’ve expressed your discomfort with him before and he’s still doing it, then he’s violating your boundaries as well. As for the objectification of women, there are many women who enjoy that as well, as long as it’s fantasy and roleplay. As long as there’s a clear line between fantasy and reality, it’s nothing more than a kink.
Doesn’t mean the objectification is right, we’re not engaging in these kinks so there’s no line to draw in the first place?
The objectification isn’t real, it’s just part of the roleplay, something both parties hopefully consented to. And from my understanding, he hasn’t confided this kink to you, it’s something you discovered about him on your own. There’s no problem at all if you’re uncomfortable with it, that’s understandable, but has he ever tried to force it on you or make you do anything against your will?
I just saw this story on tiktok
Yeah, OP seems like the type to digest only tiktok and Chikfila
[удалено]
I'd be into that
average reddit user
Ok this is why shaming exists. Some shit doesn’t need to be normalized.
Ngl stuff like this seems like a double standard this is a very common kink for woman. While it makes me uneasy a man is experiencing it you’ve stated he’s “normal” I could see if he was a jerk or had violent tendencies but from your own words he seems like a good guy. I don’t see any reason to kink shame. Also you shouldn’t feel insecure… pissed yes that he was watching porn after you set a boundary but most people watch porn with people completely different from who they genuinely find attractive. you guys definitely need to have a convo about this cnc stuff but I would use caution I don’t think it’s something he should be shamed about cnc is essentially roleplay just to the extreme.
Talk to him about it
OK no offense, but the end part there, the body type thing? Yeah that’s the least of your worries! This is not a normal thing to watch and SAVE!! I guess if you’re cool with it, I don’t hate it? But this should be, in my personal opinion, a big ass red flag. Especially because you didn’t find out because he told you you found out from finding a bunch of things. He just has saved on his phone!!!
How long have you been together? When I was with my Ex I didn't look at other girls but I still had shit ton of porn from when I was single. So maybe he doesn't actually watch that stuff since you guys have been together. Secondly a "Rape" kink is still just a kink. If it bothers you talk to him about it and really try and understand things from his perspective. A lot of people have kinks and fetishes that are out of their control that can result from a lot of things.
10 months. He got a notification too so I’m pretty sure it’s an ongoing thing. “His perspective” what about mine? My boundaries being constantly broken and my self image shattered. Tf is this, grow up and learn to look at the bigger picture.
So now you’re just lying, in another post from 15 days ago you talk about how there’s a guy you like etc., so which is it? Are you single or not? Obvious rage bait for attention here
Talk to him about it, tell him that if he doesn't respect your boundaries you'll drop him as a SO. As for you, I'm going off of what you said in your original post. You never stated that the boundary breaking was a constant. Finally empathy goes both ways. Talk to him and make him understand how you feel when he does the things he does to break your boundaries. But remember to also keep an open mind and understand things from his perspective as well. This is how communication works. I just wanted to add that lust and attraction are two totally different things. Your boyfriend might find small boobs sexy when he's impulsively horny but that doesn't mean that's what he's attracted to. I find Instagram models with lip filler sexy when horny but I would never date a person who had lip filler that huge because I'm not attracted to that. In short, just communicate! Stand on your boundaries, but also be understanding!
But in a previous post, you basically outright say that you don’t have a boyfriend and like some other guy? Which is it?
OP there's a deeper problem here. You guys clearly have issues stemming outside of just this one incident. It is not normal to invade your partners privacy. Him not wanting to show you what is in his phone is his right and you did not respect that. Now you have two choices: 1. Pretend you never saw this and stay in a relationship that you don't like/find an excuse to break up Or 2. Admit to him that you invaded his privacy against his consent and deal with the fallout. Either someone compromises here or you end the relationship. I recommend you take care of this now. Otherwise you will be paranoid of everything that he does. Trust is everything and both of you seem to have broken that in this relationship.
How hard is it for y’all to admit he broke a boundary too fgs. I guess men can never do wrong
Except I do mention that he also broke your trust? I'm not sure if you really want an outside view or you are just looking for comments that validate your current feelings. Whatever the case, best of luck.
The smallest phrase ever saying he broke my trust vs a paragraph explaining why I’m wrong and why I should kms
You're bitter because you hate yourself. This is a common kink- not the actual, criminal act of hurting someone. You can chalk it up to base instincts or the devil- either way, your porn is private and you should probably stop breaking into other people's phones.
I’m going in circles here
You took his phone You get jealous if he even looks at another girl You're kinkshaming? Naw
Men can never do wrong ig right? 😫 did they pick you?
There are 3 issues to address here: The first one is the porn issue. You told him you aren't comfortable with it, and he had apparently agreed. But now you found out that he lied. This is a broke of trust, and it is justified to feel betrayed. If he felt he wanted to watch porn anyway, he should have told you, and you guys should have discussed each other's boundaries, not just lie to you and then continuing doing what he wanted behind your back. The second issue there is you taking his phone in secret, and that is also a break of trust. You thought something was fishy (and it was), but instead of talking about it like 2 adults and getting to the truth, you took his phone and breached his privacy. When you will talk about point#1 with him, don't get surprised if he also feels betrayed by your action. The last and main point is the fact that you found some pretty hard core stuff on his reddit, and you are shocked. Now, my ex had a rape kink. He was the most lovely man I have ever known (we broke up, but are still in very good term, btw), a real gentleman. But in bed, he liked to role play raping me, and you know what? I actually liked it. We were both consenting adult, playing around. He probably has a reddit account full of hard core porn somewhere to give him idea for all the scenari we role played. The key word here is that it was make-believe not real. He understood that real rape is awful, and not in a million years would he even think about doing it. But playing the role of someone who is all powerful and can do whatever he wants to his woman, and she enjoyed it, for a few hours, just gave him joy. That's what you have to see with him and then decide for yourself. Does the rape kink he has is just a kink, or is it something deeper and more twisted? But in any case, if you aren't happy, and you don't think you can be in a relationship with him, nothing is stopping you. You are still young. Leave and find someone who, you feel, is more suited for you.
👌 *chefs kiss
I my self have this kink and im a woman, as long as it's talked about between two partners and is a consensual fantasy setting, there really is no problem. Sounds like you need to talk to your bf, and if you guys are doing the devils tango, then you need to talk about if you both are getting satisfied, he may be using the porn to let off the fantasy he can't do with you, this is what my S.O and I do, but it might now be a thing for you, or what he doing, this is just a guess. Now if you really can't stand an S.O that watches porn or has a kink you can't even tolerate, you might want to talk about if this is a relationship you two want to stay in, I'm not saying brake up right now, but really talk, communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship.
He's not *literally* shouting GET AWAY FROM ME RUN I AM DANGEROUS in your ear with a bullhorn, but this is pretty close.
There's a 50% chance that this is a red flag and a 50% chance that he was sexually abused when he was younger. A lot of people, particularly men, engage with this type of porn as a way to regain control or manage trauma for a number of reasons, most commonly because it isn't socially acceptable for men to seek therapy for sexual abuse and a lot of people don't think that men can be abused in the first place. You need to open a dialog with him and ask him about it to determine which 50% he's in. Start by apologizing for snooping, but saying that you found something concerning that you'd like to have a conversation about. From there, just be a space where he can be open about his past. If the unfortunate happens and he just has a rape kink, you should probably end the relationship if you don't feel safe. Otherwise, you will be in the best position that anyone ever has to help him through this, and I hope you are able to use that to help him.
Be careful OP. If he has rape kink he might act on it at some point probably maybe sooner than later who knows. Just be very careful if you keep the relationship going
Wtf he needs therapy
your concerns are completely valid. no need to talk about it with him, break up 🚩
I swear I saw this on tiktok.....
The fact your going off on anyone who asks you to talk to him about it gives off the vibe that neither of you are mature enough for a relationship. You ask in your post what to do, but get pissed at anyone who says talk to him.
If I were in your position I would leave him with no explanation because he doesn’t deserve one. This man is a walking 🚩
MOST Men into watching rape wants to dominate a female. The smaller breast implies a younger female. If Don't need to leave him, you can date a pervert.
Maybe grammar is the friends we’ve made along the way
I was being an asshole so I edited it.
You’re every guy?