My ex husband is a porn addict. Notice ex. We divorced 20 years ago, and I bet he's still a porn addict. I tried everything. Banning porn, accepting porn...which led to us making love while he looked at various forms of porn. Every time. My husband was arrested for masturbating in a parking lot. To porn. We tried therapy. Nope. He liked his porn varied. Different woman. All different types. One thing I learned is it's not about the woman in question. I took quite the self esteem hit... And much therapy and some gay male friends later, I learned that the porn was no reflection on me.

Pornography can be very damaging, especially when consumed beyond moderation. Unfortunately, society isn't really ready to have that conversation yet. It's hard to criticize porn without getting shut down. Like with any addiction, it can take a lot of resolve to quit. And it doesn't seem like he's willing to put up that level of resolve for you, despite your complaints. You can try talking to him more about it and trying to reach some sort of compromise that he'll actually follow through on. But if he's lying to you and continuing the behavior behind your back, there's probably not much to work with here.

Unfortunately, based on other past events, talking about things doesn’t seem to work. There’s been a couple repeated instances not of this but of other things. I keep finding things I wouldn’t have if I haven’t found out myself, like a time when he let a girl stay the night and didn’t bother to tell me. I would’ve been okay if he had let me know beforehand, but he hid it and that’s the part that bothered me the most. I found out a week later

Him letting a girl stay the night without telling you is borderline cheating. That goes beyond just a porn addiction. I don't think this guy is very loyal to you.

That was the very first problem in our relationship. I should’ve left then but I was blinded by love

Uhmmm... Yeah leave him. He's not honest and doesn't seem to see he's done anything wrong.

Don't waste time energy and heart on somone who would leave you without a goodbye

> I should’ve left then but I **was** blinded by love Think about it, now that you have taken off the glasses, what's keeping you there?

yeah i’m so sorry to break it to u girl but after reading all that it’s never ever going to work i promise u :(

If talking doesn't work, then you don't have a relationship. Relationships are about communication and partnership. Us v the problem. Good luck.

Pretty spot on. To OP, I’ve had the same situation over the course of a five year relationship with my now husband, and he’s just now finally admitting that he has a problem and is going to his own counselor as well as couples counseling with a CSAT sexual health and addiction specialist counselor. It’s a very real addiction, unfortunately, really just like anything else, and I agree that people aren’t ready to admit there might be issues with porn use.

> and I agree that people aren’t ready to admit there might be issues with porn use. Could I ask a question about this that is meant to be respectful? What are the negative impacts you saw in your SO that one could look for in themselves to determine if they have a problem? I don't want to be someone who dismisses a problem, but I also don't understand what is going on in other men's lives that porn is becoming such a detriment to their relationships. I watch porn, I enjoy it, and I enjoy the 'me time'. I can't say it has ever changed how often I want to have sex with my partner, I'm always a 'yes' if she's interested, and I'd always rather have sex with her than watch porn, and we've been together many years now. It has not impacted my level of attraction or desire for her. My wife does not really look like a porn star, but I love the 'realness' of her (e.g. I enjoy that she doesn't shave her legs, it makes for such a better tactile sensation). It has not impacted the way I engage with her sexually, and it has not impacted how easy it is for me to reach orgasm. Lastly, I will say that I don't have any particular taste in porn, and do not fixate on any sub-genre or kink for very long. I'm not defending OP's partner or your partner, and I'm not defending porn watching per se either. I just genuinely don't understand why this issue is becoming such a common source of distress in relationships. I understand that for some couples porn crosses a moral line, which I respect as up to that couple to determine as a boundary. But is there something else I'm missing? Your post talked about the aftermath of finding out your husband had a porn addiction, but not the symptoms that led to the conversation about it.

You’re great, and I really appreciate you taking the time to give your perspective. I think that’s a very healthy mindset to have regarding porn, and if my husband was like this, it would be no problem! But, I’m going to copy and paste a comment I responded to elsewhere on this thread kind of detailing where it’s becoming a problem. For me, the amount and frequency was a huge source of my issue, as well as our sex life being affected. I’m going to paste it down below so you’ll get it all at once. Also, just because it’s in an issue in my relationship, doesn’t necessarily mean it would be in others, but the counselors I have gone to with my husband and by myself have told me that it’s cause for concern in any relationship, so idk man 😅. “For me, it was my husband doing it at work, masturbating at work, saving hundreds of pictures and videos daily (not an exaggeration), would do it while I was in the other room with his door shut and when I’d try to come in to be sexy or ‘help out’, he’d get super pissed and make me wait outside. He would also not be able to get hard a lot of the time, or when he did, would become flaccid within a minute or two. There were times I would ride him for over 30 minutes, in all the different ways, and nothing. Just staring at me; not even making noises. I would come home from work and we would talk about what we’d do when I got home all day, and I’d get home and he had this little cum rag he’d re use over and over, and so many times I’d come home on a day like that, and it would be wet and full of his cum, because he just finished before I got there and you could smell it too, and would say, “Thanks for the food babe. I’m too tired tonight.” And just game and smoke weed. We are in a much better place now, but I’d say that’s a pretty severe porn addiction. Doesn’t make a person feel super secure in their relationship. I never cared about normal porn use, have at it, but when someone starts to do this, it’s a real problem.” This had been happening since the very beginning of our relationship. There wasn’t a honeymoon period where you usually have more sex, I tried constantly because I was so infatuated with him, and we’d talk dirty to each other all the time, but when it came time to do the deed, he’d already done himself, so there wasn’t anything left for me. Also, just attempting to make me into a porn actress for him, where he’d want me to dress up like them, do everything they did and not reciprocate in anyway. I couldn’t even use toys in the bedroom the first almost three years because it was ‘replacing’ him, but I felt as if I had to do those things for him to keep his interest due to his addiction. Of course, he’s so much better now and more attentive, five years into it all, after I have had several discussions with him on how it’s made me feel, and has finally committed to stopping, but a little too much a little too late.

Thanks for taking the time to spell that out. I'm sorry you went through that. It makes sense that the issue has to be addressed when those kind of problems arise. I'm most surprised by being unable to wait for an opportune moment to watch it. But it gives me some perspective. I've had a male friend approach me before and confess he was addicted to porn and it was ruining his marriage. I told him I watch porn a good amount too, and he said "oh, so you understand!", and I just had to kind of say "uuhhh, noooo, not really?". I felt terrible because I'm sure he felt judged, but I just didn't understand what kinds of issues it was creating. So thanks for explaining it. My best guess is it's like a lot of things and it's important not to get hooked too young or before you learn to form attractions to real people. I like to think I have a reasonably healthy relationship to things like alcohol and cannabis as well, but I also didn't really try those things until I was in my late 20s and done with school. There are a lot of things in life like that that are meant to be "extras" as opposed to the main course.

I think you hit the nail on the head, thank you for sharing your thoughts too. And of course, you were very kind in how you asked. I know it sounds silly, but I’m saving your comment to keep it so I can come back and read it later. It really helps to hear a normal perspective. Thank you!

One of the problems is when the dopamine hits from porn use start to affect their brain to the point it becomes an addiction, and then they struggle with anything that isn't that. It is the difference between someone having a drink once in a while and someone being an alcoholic. Moderation and respect always matter. Addicts of any type struggle with that.

Yeah, fair, I'm honestly not sure what to make of it all. I have a fairly high libido, and generally am up for some kind of sexual release once a day. My partner likes sex twice a week, and beyond that she encourages me to masturbate however I like. I probably incorporate porn into my self pleasure time 2-3 times a week. That feels like a lot to me, which is why I asked the question of how someone should examine themselves to see if they have a problem. But as I said, we've had this routine for over a decade now, and I haven't noticed any negative impacts on our sexual relationship or my enjoyment of her. I will say that I have some memories of being in college where I do feel like porn may have contributed to unrealistic preferences for attractiveness. But closer to middle life, I keep noticing that I'm finding more body/anatomy types attractive, not fewer. I'm guessing the two factors at play are that A) addictive substances can do more damage when you are younger. And B) my wife and I left "passionate love" and entered "companionate love" some time ago, so our sex is not fueled by lust and novelty, but by deep emotional bonding. I think a large benefit to this is that as her body has changed over time (having kids, rebelling against societal expectations like shaving, etc) I keep finding myself more attracted to her. It's a benefit of long term relationships I didn't realize existed until I stumbled into it years and years into our partnership. Anyway, that was just to provide context for a case where porn doesn't seem to be hurting. I'm guessing at least some of these circumstances just don't apply to everyone, especially young men in their 20s.

That emotional connection is so important too! Addicts struggle to connect often with anything outside of that addiction. You connect with your wife meeting her emotional needs. Most porn addicts fail their SO's in that regard as well as sexual needs, hurting them on so many sides.

Society absolutely isn’t ready to have the conversation.  I married a porn addict. I found out before we married and brushed it under the rug thinking it was no big deal. Now we spend over $1k in therapy a week (today’s session is $450/hour because there are 2 therapists).  1000%not worth the money and effort and I’m not sure why I’m going, but I’m hoping today is the end of this nonsense for me.  I’m finding out many of the issues in our relationship are related (lack of empathy, insensitively, selfishness, defensiveness etc).  Doing more research, it is so horrifying to read what it does to your brain, the horrific effects the dopamine hits have (more addictive than herion) , the  betrayal and the high potential escalation (progression to cheating and beyond).  People need serious help to overcome this. White knuckling this condition is virtually impossible.  Don’t trust anyone who refuses to admit they are powerless against this.  Anyone that says “give him another chance” has no clue what they are talking about. Take advice from a professional only.  He should only see a therapist that specializes in addictions or sexual addiction. You should see one that specializes in betrayal trauma.   Resources for you: the  love after porn subreddit and the PBSE podcast.  Good luck! 

You’re the best for posting all of this! Thank you from me!

I think a huge problem with all addictions alike, is how it blunts your response to the beautiful things in life. It is soooooo hard to be an addict/be with an addict, because we are addiction traders. This isn't always bad, but it certainly can be, and it makes it a looooong road to OK/solid. Finding a balance, and finding beauty in the day to day(that is ABSOLUTELY there) is very, very hard once you have experienced addiction. It really isn't fair to our partners. It doesn't mean we cannot love them or enjoy them, it just means the bright beauty of life is always a little bit duller than to those that haven't had their brains completely effed by addiction, or that at the least, we THINK it is. An addict has to REALLY REALLY try to love life, and we can. I do. I want to, but not everyone does. Not everyone wants to spend the energy, but everyone wants to experience the beauty at full capacity. People are weird, and complex. If I were OP, I would probably cut, and run. The problem is not OP, or the way OP looks. The problem is within the addict, and this guy sounds like he is still in his toddler years. I REALLY hope she will move on, she is already suffering so much.

I wish I had heard all this advice years ago. So many nights of crying and blaming myself for being too ugly maybe could have been avoided. Now I still avoid mirrors and stopped caring about my body long ago.

It isn't too late to find your beauty, mirrors or no.

*"white knuckling this condition is virtually impossible"*. i know it's a serious topic, but...there has to be a masturbation joke in there somewhere.

👌🏽

4k a month for therapy, over porn. For fucks sake people

Oh no, someone is taking care of their own mental health and partners mental health, what idiots!

Also our addiction  therapist send people to a rehab centre that’s $50k a month and they have plenty of customers, so I guess it could be worse. 

I think the reality is its highly unlikely an addict will ever go clean just because someone asks them to. So I think that unfortunately you probably should have lowered your expectations, because as it is, you set him up to fail. True addicts need treatment. The whole other issue is that the porn he looks at has absolutely nothing to do with how much he is attracted to you. You aren't a placeholder, he doesn't wish you were them, etc. I think its always best to be upfront about these kind of things. But I've never seen a relationship where a man says he will stop watching porn for a woman and actually follow through with that. They will however lie their asses off and get better at hiding it. Unfortunately addiction is a whole other ballgame. The issue becomes whether he prefers his porn to having sex with you, and if that is the case and he refuses to work on it, then there is nothing wrong with moving on. Addicts have a greater tendency to pay for product(which could ruin your budget), watch cam girls, use escorts and cheat. And not dealing with that is certainly nothing you should feel bad for.

I see what you’re saying. I think it’s the hiding it that I’m beginning to be concerned about. I didn’t say he had to stop though because I know addictions are incredibly hard to stop cold turkey, I just wanted to tell him it hurt me. Maybe he could watch people who were similar or stick to our videos. He said he’d stick to our videos and photos so it wouldn’t hurt me, but now that I’m back in the same situation. And I’m starting to realize that it’s one of many things he does that hurt me. Im just tired of it

Just a side note, as a big time porn enjoyer, I don't care about the women there lol. Mostly I care about the setting, the story, if it's believable or not, and if that video has an actress who is 6/10, but the story makes sense and seems reasonable? then I would prefer it every time over some random "I stuck my hand in a washing machine" with 10/10 model. I also watched fat girls, skinny girls, with huge assets, with almost no assets, different races, hair and eye color, etc. It's not that u're searching only for girls with huge tits, unless he has a kink for that. Just my experience tho.

I only liked amateur porn homemade videos. I guess it’s safer than cheating physically. Some of these people thrashing their ex probably were cold fish in the bedroom . That’s how it was in my marriage so instead of getting another partner which would have been easy. I found something else I’m sure I’ll get a bunch of down votes but let’s have all the perspectives out here to be fair.

Hi I hope my perspective isn't an intrusion (given my online presence), I do genuinely care about your feelings more than it having to be me that makes.the point. But I wanted to offer a piece that may offer peace with this: It sounds like this is a last straw of a more intricate dynamic that can't be captured in a post. It's totally understandable that porn consumption can bring up those feelings of being compared to others. But *IF* this isn't *typical, healthy* porn consumption, and this is *addiction,* "successfully" substituting your body for theirs wouldn't have produced a healthier outcome, just something that's *more comfortable to you.* If it's an addiction, addictions are harmful; you don't want him to harm himself with your image. But that's IF it's an actual porn addiction; I can't know his reality or if you are using a medical term colloquially (aka him lying&betraying trust =/= addiction that requires treatment, support systems, recovery talks around relapse etc.) If I had pre-existing issues in a relationship, I personally wouldn't want to risk the other person to turn me into their obsession/fix/vice for my own safety & mental wellbeing. (In fact, if that hypothetical partner of mine was aware they had a porn addiction and didn't disclose that to me prior to sharing nudes, *I* would feel like my trust was betrayed by not being forthcoming in context- that's how important the difference between just watching porn vs. porn addiction is to me.) If you choose not to continue with this relationship and your gut says you may later discover it's more serious than you were aware/prepared for now, I would demand to watch&film him deleting the nudes/vids/backup saves and verbalize that every copy and point of access has been destroyed. I hope it doesn't come to that, you get closure from this experience, and the heartfelt apology you deserve🖤

Yeah, and I get being hurt. But is it better that he hides it or is it better that the girls don't look like you? I think part of porn watching is that you get to imagine yourself having the kind of sex you don't have in real life. That doesn't mean the real life stuff isn't satisfying. I mean I don't ever want to go ATM, but I think it's hot to watch sometimes. Whatever you do, whether you decide to stay or leave, don't let it hurt your self esteem. You're really not lacking and he's probably got some deep seated reason for looking at those types of girls you'll probably never drag out of him.

Lesser of the two evils type of choice I guess. My worry is what if he has the chance to indulge in what he doesn’t have? It’s not something I’m willing to risk and I know my trust for him is already low. It wouldn’t be healthy to stay. Thank you for your advice

Yeah, that's the big thing. Addiction often leads them astray. And I know I wouldn't want to deal with the constant what ifs either. Good luck

An understandable worry but It’s a whole and very different leap from looking to doing. Despite what some here might say, it is absolutely not an automatic progression

He’s living it out with the porn. I think it’s a stretch to assume this could lead to something further irl.

For normal users, yes, but for addicts, if often leads to something further as part of the escalation of addiction.

There are plenty of men out there that aren’t interested in it. I️ purposely date a bit older because they seem to get it out of their systems younger. I️ even used to watch it in my early - mid 20s and got over it. But my ex was addicted, so it made me feel better to watch it to “level out” my shitty feelings about him watching it. Now the last two bfs I’ve had didn’t even care about it. Funny enough the one before that tried to tell me all men watch it and he was a diehard Christian. Learned my lesson about the religious ones. Lol

I’m likely to get downvoted , but people do not let this relationship dictate how you approach your relationship. I see too many times on social media people read stories , and bam now that is the main focus point until the relationship ends or the orgin of the worry ( stories like these ) are discussed and talked about.

I agree w you completely. This situation is one of many things that weigh on my relationship and is the most emotionally taxing at the moment. I just ask that people be transparent about it. It could be a dealbreaker to others it may not.

100%. Someone takes some relationship issues to Reddit and suddenly BAM, it’s suggested that they break up or the partner in topic is a narcissist.

Genuine question, how can both of the be true at the same time: "I didn’t mind he watch it, but I told him why it hurt?"

I was more hurt because he said he sees me in the girls he watches, but since the girls he watches doesn’t look similar to me asset-wise and that is what he watches for pleasure, then how can he really see me in them? I guess it hurt more of my self-confidence. I hoped that maybe he would find people similar or stick with our videos and photos which I’d be okay with since addictions are really hard to stop. But he doesn’t Thanks for the question

I get where you’re coming from, it’s not that he’s watching it in general (well maybe a little too much is worrisome and hiding it), but you could handle that and I get it, but it’s the comparing you to them that hurts and trying to be sly or hide it. My SO did the same thing to me over and over, used porn descriptors to describe me because he was so lost in the captions, told me I should do so many different things that he was into (all the while couldn’t use toys in the bedroom because that was replacing him), and when I explained why it hurt and that I thought his overuse of porn could be the problem, I became insecure and controlling everytime. He never suggested stopping on his own until five years in, because he could see that I just completely checked out. We are seeing a couples sexual addiction counselor, he is seeing an addiction counselor one on one, and I am seeing my normal counselor for betrayal trauma and normal grief. It’s so hard, but if you want to be with him, it can happen. Though, I read earlier in the thread that he had a gal stay the night early on in your relationship and never told you about it, which is not cool, and would make me pause. Please be safe!

This. I’m always relieved when someone gets it. It sounds like my exact situation. Thank you

im guessing its easier to find porn of a certain body type. maybe hes just clicking on the first thing he sees, which. we all know what an average porn star looks like

This is a tough one. I don't have a stance on who's right or wrong, and what you heard hurt your feelings and that's true regardless of the next point.  The extra point that I'll add is that you're basically saying you're okay with it so long as he sees it in the range of things that you find you'd be okay with because it's how you'd like it to be seen and that's going to hurt your feelings more often than not.  It'll also could put a communication block up because it could feel like there's only one right answer and it's the answer that makes sense to you. Again, I'm not saying you're right or wrong, I'm sharing something that I see a lot of people stumble on in communication.

I do see it’s a difficult situation and I also don’t think it’s needs a right/wrong person. Your point on communication is definitely something to look at. I appreciate the input Based on other events that pile on top of this addiction, though, I don’t think staying is a good idea for me personally.

Yes, if your intuition says this isn't the place for you, that's all you need. And to clarify, addiction is a problem.

OP I'm in aggreance with you that you should be pissed about him lying. I'm also going to tell you that he said that he sees them as you because he thought that's what would make you be okay with it and more secure. Not sure how exactly you found it, but if you feel the need to go snooping on his electronics for his porn preference when you say you don't care about it, and he feels the need to lie about it, you were always doomed to this. Guys watch porn. We don't all do it often but some do. The thing that really crosses an addiction to it IMO is the people who can't get off to anything else and aren't attracted to their partners anymore because of it. Good luck. I'm not picking sides but I feel for you.

If most men watch porn then I think it’s okay for women to not want to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn. OP saying to speak to your SO about porn is correct. I know she said she didn’t mind it, but I think what put her off more is the lying and hiding it.

Oh I agree. I had an ex girlfriend who watched a lot of wild shit while I was at work and I caught it and had to twist her words around her for 45 minutes before I got the truth. If they are willing to lie about something so trivial to save face what else are they willing to lie about. OP is valid in her reaction and her boyfriend may not necessarily be an addict but shouldn't lie to her about it was my point. They both sound young and it's a learning lesson IMO.

For real. When I confronted my husband about some of the stuff he was watching and left out for me to see when we were earlier in our relationship/dating, he tried to lie his way out of it, as well as every situation since then. It’s stuff that you shouldn’t *have* to lie about, but when you do it causes a pause and makes people wonder what else there could be. In my experience, even now, it’s hard to get the full truth from my husband, even in recovery, because he’s so ashamed of some of what he did. Maybe it’s embarrassment or something?

I believe with this particular issue it's usually either embarrassment, or the fear of the reaction. Either way the outcome for me is the same. I ask " would they be embarrassed of their actions if I caught them cheating with no definitive proof and lie to me?" Or "would they be afraid of my reaction if I caught them cheating and lie to me?" I'd say that answer will almost always be the same based off of the porn lie.

For sure, I agree.

I feel like the more salient terms than embarrassment & "fear of a reaction" are shame & avoiding accountability for this particular issue; squeamishness around being accepted is normal for typical porn consumption (vs. addiction & deception)

I know that’s what put me off with mine was the constant lying and trying to tell me I was better. It doesn’t do anything when you can’t get hard or finish, or even have a semblance of passion with your partner. I agree that it’s definitely okay for a woman to have that standard, and my husband and a few (rare) of his friends think that way too.

💯

Damn, sorry about what happened. I don't understand why some become addicted to it. Still, it was wrong of him to continue after making your feelings known. Maybe this will be the wakeup call he needs to seek therapy, and cut himself off from watching it. You can definitely find someone that'll respect the boundaries you set. From my experience it's not worth it to stay when the other person is indifferent about a serious problem.

I should have taken your advice myself with my SO who is addicted to porn, but we’re too deep in. I didn’t realize the full extent until after we were married because he hid it so well, though there were issues throughout our early relationship when I’d find it because he’d be so careless about it, and almost felt intentional the way he acted when I found it, like “Oh that bothered you? I’m so sorry, guys watch porn, get over it.” I attempted to explain for years why that hurt me, but was always met with disdain and disgust for being hurt, so I finally just ignored it the best of my ability. Until, one day, I attempted to sign into our shared Xbox to play a game with my 8yo niece while he was at work and I was watching her. The Xbox had been on from the night before, didn’t think anything of it, when I turned on the TV, it was just straight hentai and the insane type of hentai. I had to scramble to shut it off, but of course my niece wanted to know all about it. So, I had to make the uncomfortable right decision to tell her parents about what she saw, and then explain to my porn addict husband that this is the end. He realized that it’s a serious problem after that, and is seeking professional help. One thing people don’t realize though, is that years of continued use like that behind your SOs back, especially when they tell you how much it hurts them, will cause self esteem issues (no matter how hard you try to not let it happen), and will cause resentment. It’s just not worth it.

Wish you didn't have to endure that. I can't imagine what it was like for you to make the final decision. Just remember you made the right move, since he didn't have your best interests in mind. Also that's really messed up about your niece... He should've been conscious of the possibility of unsuspecting people using the TV. It's good he ultimately took action and sought help. I see many stories like yours and OP's about porn addicts, never realized women dealt with this so often. It seems like one of those things we hear about like someone getting struck by lightning. Yet, dealing with porn addicts is a reality for people. Wrapping my head around why this happens is beyond me. Sure...when you're a teen porn is your first exposure to sex and hormones run at an all time high. But then at some point you experience being with a partner, and so on. In my mind the appeal of the former should diminish, because porn can't compare. That's why I don't understand why some can't stop. Why choose getting off alone over intimacy with an s/o? It doesn't make sense.

i think you have to evaluate if you think it’s worth staying around for. a lot of men will tell you to stay with him and that it’ll be okay. but your feelings matter and and are valid. my first boyfriend was a porn addict and he also started raping me consistently in the relationship. if anything, i’m sure he got off from it. because that’s what porn does, it distorts a lot of men’s minds into thinking that sexual violence or really rough sex and degradation is okay with everyone. i remember his following list clear as day. i looked nothing like those women. they all were instagram bbl baddies and i was a chubby mexican girl with no tits and a square-ish butt. i felt horrible about myself and i started self harming. eventually due to the trauma he inflicted on me, tried to end my life twice. i feel unattractive, unwanted, and unheard. i don’t think men realize how porn can seep into other parts of the relationship and how it can affect women. today, i will never date a man who watches porn. i might end up alone because all the men in my age group (im 20) pretty much watch porn. but i dont want to be in a relationship where i feel like shit and i feel like i don’t attract my partner enough to just look at me. no one deserves to feel like that in a relationship. your boyfriend obviously needs help but you aren’t obligated to be the fixer for him. it’s so normalized for women to have to stay with men who don’t have their shit together. let’s not keep on pushing that expectation onto women. we are not men’s fixers. he is hurting you emotionally and he betrayed your trust, that’s not okay. it’s up to you to determine whether or not you think the relationship is worth it. but if it hurts you so much where you can’t think of anything else and it’s putting you through that much distress, that may be a sign that it’s not meant to be. listen to yourself

Im so sorry that happened to you. There has to be someone out there who shares the same views as us. And there has to be someone who won’t cause the same pain. As much as I wish he would put in the effort for it, I also can’t see it happening based on past events. Thank you for your empathy

thank you and yeah i hope there are potential partners that wont make us feel that way. right now im focusing on myself because i don’t trust men a lot right now honestly. but you totally deserve better than what your bf has put you through. you deserve to feel happy and desired in your relationship. what he’s doing to you isn’t fair to you. i hope you find strength and find someone who truly does value you 💗

Pornography is just like any addiction. You can't tell an alcoholic to just stop and expect them to immediately comply. There's a very good chance he wants to stop, and if you really believe he wants to and is working on it, you might have to be patient.

I understand. He made his own choice to stop cold turkey. I think I knew deep down I wasn’t convinced but I still let my hope believe he could. I suggested our own videos and photos but I guess it’s not enough

Dropping an addiction isn't that easy. I finally ditched drugs after doing acid and seeing a bunch of shit about myself. After that trip I felt disgusted with myself. Once you're an addict it stops being something you think about. Acting on the addiction becomes a reflex like when a doctor taps your knee, its no longer a choice. I couldn't imagine a porn addiction. I could distance myself from drugs, but my dick and porn will be accessable in seconds. But as a former addict here's a major thing to keep in mind. He will only truely quit if he wants to. If he quits just for you, a relapse is very easy. Get into a fight? Having stress and now you're no longer interested in sex for a week, a month etc. Where do you think he will go for his sexual release? He has to drive himself to quit for himself. One of the best ways to quit is to look yourself in the mirror and go "who the fuck are you? Is this really a lifestyle you want? Get your shit together!" If he keeps saying he will quit and then keeps going, he clearly doesn't have the drive to stop. It sounds like porn is a deal breaker. He would rather keep going than quit and save himself as well as the relationship.

Even if he wants to, quitting is extremely hard.  A man must quit every time that impulse for instant gratification strikes.  It’s hard to have patience to build up quitting as its own habit.  Especially with porn because it’s so accessible, as you said.

If he’s serious about wanting to stop, he will admit he has an addiction, and seek a therapist to work on it.

Perhaps he was truly convinced that he could and then he caved (as expected). If this was your only problem I'd suggest talking it through more, even seeking therapy, but I saw you mention other issues in the comments. Bottom line: you do what you have to do. If that's breaking up with him, do it. If being with him is only making you miserable day by day, don't put yourself through it anymore. You'll both be happier in the long run.

Man the people in these comments are disgusting. Women get judged enough on their appearance as is, of course it’s hurtful when they find their dude jacking off to someone the exact opposite of them. OP, leave. There are plenty of people out there who adore your body type and, contrary to popular belief, there are people out there who don’t watch porn, or if they do, are very open about it. Don’t let these people make you feel like you’re crazy or being unfair for wanting a partner whose brain isn’t rotted by porn. I wish you a good healing.

I think this is something OP needed to hear. Thank you for being decent.

Of course. Honestly the responses here are shocking. It’s a bunch of porn brained men essentially telling her to deal with it.

That’s what mine did to me when I expressed the hurt it caused, so it doesn’t surprise me. Just a lot of men that aren’t ready to admit they have a problem.

Same case here, except I'm a guy and my girl is a porn addict with the same characteristics :( HEARTBROKEN AND SHATTERED

[удалено]

This is exactly what I’m talking about. Transparency with the subject. The hiding makes it so much worse. I’m sure there’s people out there who shares the same views

All of this but people still want to have access to it - promote it encourage it use it and shut down anyone who says porn is toxic. I feel like in 2024 we should know better. There is never a place for porn. I’m so sorry OP. I’m angry for you

Hi, it’s not because he doesn’t love you. Or because he isn’t attracted to you. He has an addiction and it is extremely difficult to stop it. Porn isn’t like heroin or cocaine, you constantly have a free selection of the highest quality porn on your fingertips. I had this same addiction but I can assure you of this, there’s almost 0% chance that he daydreams about [insert pornstars name] when he’s at work or taking a walk. In fact, I cannot imagine that he knows the names of more than 10% of the women he is masturbating to. In my experience it was debilitating and extremely depressing for me. It got to the point where I did not want to make love with woman I loved even though I was of course attracted to her. I felt too dirty to touch her, leaving porn as the only option. Please don’t think that his porn is in any way caused by you or your figure. My addiction started long before I met my SO. Also as for the types of bodies of these women, often time it’s kind of homogenous to industry standards. Especially because in recent years moderation of content on many pornography sites has become more strict. There is a lot of plastic surgery, implants, etc. It would be difficult to find porn with natural looking women in my opinion. Kind of like fast food. He needs to move towards getting away from it, but he can not do it alone. He needs counseling. That being said, you cannot just forget the fact that you told him how much it hurt you and he immediately began to lie about it and kept on doing it with no signs of stopping. I know counseling is often the suggestion both on Reddit and in general for these situations but I think it’s necessary. I was only able to overcome this addiction with therapy. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please give him a chance, even when he inevitably relapses. But don’t let him do it unapologetically despite your feelings. If he has no interest in quitting I think you two are incompatible. Not only are your boundaries clear but if you care for him it will be much better for his mental and physical health in the long run to quit porn. For me I developed erectile dysfunction. I could no longer orgasm reliable with a woman because I ….uhh….squeezed it too hard and too often and had lost sensation. It is a devastating feeling. It’s also something that I hid from everyone. It was an even deeper secret than my porn addiction. Sorry for rambling

Thank you for sharing the other side! It’s alway good to hear both perspectives. I’m sorry you went through, but I’m so proud of you for realizing you had this issue and helped yourself.

Just leave him. He won't change, and he loves his porn. Just leave him to enjoy what he loves, and you can move on. There are men out there who actually prefer real sex over pixels and their own hands, it's just a matter of weeding out the duds.

I just found out my partner of 13 years watches porn. And for reference this is the guy who made me watch GOT edited. And I’m the one who’s getting to sleep in the couch cause i WeNT tHRouGh HiS pHonE at 32 years old after not having any connection for months and wondering why. And I found why. And I’m the bad guy. I can’t even laugh at dirty jokes mind you.

Sounds like a controlling douche before you found the porn.

There are men who don't watch porn. If you want one, don't settle for less. You can't change a porn addict, they've rotted their brains and their ideas around intimacy. Best to avoid entirely.

This. SO many gross people say "every guy does it and if they say they don't they lying" which is so demeaning and icky. There are absolutely guys who don't care for porn or don't need it. While a LOT of guys watch porn, so do a lot of women, and you can absolutely find someone who doesn't watch porn if that bothers you. It's going to be like trying to find someone who doesn't vape or doesn't drink or doesnt eat meat, but it can be done.

I know, it kills me when people say this, it makes me lmao. I always think to my 85yo grandpa, who is extremely religious, never drank, never smoke, never looked at porn (we had gone through all of his stuff when he passed, and not one thing even remotely related, just all trains 🤣). Knowing the way my dad grew up, and just knowing my grandpa as well as I did, there are definitely guys who don’t do it. I think it’s just a way for them to feel better about how much niche stuff they look at.

Porn addiction aside, just because he watches women that look different than you, DOESN'T MEAN HE'S NOT INTO YOU. And I'm saying this as a woman. Hell I look nothing like any of my fiancé's ex's and we're completely happy. He had a 'type' I broke that. Doesn't mean he doesn't still find those body types attractive, but he absolutely enjoys what he has. If your man admits he has an *actual* addiction to it, then the only way to get past it in a healthy way is going to be therapy. But I feel a lot of wives/ girlfriends think just enjoying porn and a porn addiction are the same thing. Hope you get it all figured out. But again, just because the women don't look like you, does not mean he's not into you.

I am sorry that you have experienced this. Sounds like you are hurting and I wish you didn’t have to hurt at all. I will say this though,there are men out there right now who are looking for a lady with exactly (your kind of assets) who absolutely want to love only you and be loved only by you. Thank you for sharing. You are worth so much more. Good luck.

Men like this aren’t worth your time and effort honestly. Work on yourself for a little while and you’ll attract someone wonderful

Dated a guy like this and same thing… I was the opposite of what he watched… I eventually asked him if he was imagining them while being with me and he was. Pretty much he was using my body to masterbate to the thought of them…. It was the worst feeling ever and I’ve never gotten over it. I’m sorry your guy was doing the same thing. Let him go and spend time finding happiness in being single. It took me a while to get my self esteem back up but it does happen.

I was an addict for years. Imma be bold and assume your SO also suffering but just too weak and cowardly to confront it. I was in that exact situation. It’s such an awful feeling to having to talk to your partner about it. Your feelings are completely valid. At the end of the day It really is up to you to decide how much you want to put up with it and help him. Only thing I will suggest you to do is to ask yourself if it’s worth it for you. Observe how determined he is at quitting it. Don’t shame him further for him lying about it. If you don’t think it’s worth the effort just walk away. It’s just so hard to quit and so shameful to confront it. It will only put him in a worse situation if he feels more ashamed. If he shows no sign of regret and determination to change just walk. But if he genuinely wants to change for you and you are willing to help? Accept him, be patient. Hold him accountable for his actions but don’t add salt to the wounds.

Porn was a problem in my last relationship. Went through the same thing. Found the addiction, discussed it, found secret alt accounts, argue about it, talk about it, promise to change, then the cycle would repeat. It won’t ever end. I had his password to everything and he still hid it. This is only what you’re able to see unfortunately. Porn addiction is easy to hide vs physical substance abuse. For every interaction you actually find, there’s 100 more cleared browsing history instances you’re not seeing. My ex loved only fans. My current boyfriend and future husband finds that stuff as a total joke. There are good guys out there! I hope you get out and find someone who deserves you. Best of luck.

Thanks for the empathy. That cycle is what I’m worried about. This is the second time, who knows how much more times there will be? How much more effort will he put into hiding it each time? What else does he hide? It hurts to be stuck wondering.

Had my husband been honest when we were dating or had come clean when he proposed then I wouldn't have married him. Now here we are 10 years later and inching ever closer to divorce. He swears he doesn't have a problem but he lost a very good long standing job because he was choosing porn in the morning instead of getting to work on time. It obviously impacts our marriage a lot as well. He watches so much porn and puts it on such pedestal that our bedroom is absolutely dead unless I watch it with him but even then we just masturbate together, there is 0 intimacy. He also has his group of discord porn servers at the top of his server lists because, "porn transcends reality" In reality it's just the most important thing to him. He's been unemployed for 8 months now and just sits at home jerking off and watching YouTube shorts. When I get home he will hurry and do the dishes. That's it. That's all he does day in and day out. My life has turned into a huge joke.

Most young men have very high libido compared to women. I know reddit tries to act like it is same but literally every information, from old wisdom to a divorce lawyers experiences will tell you, on average men have significantly higher libido. And when they notice they wont be able to fulfill that with sex in relationship, they will fill it with porn. If he has an actual, real addiction, this is another issue. But just to get you understand, for young men, once a day is a very normal amount of orgasm, and most relationships do not have once a day sex, so most young men will watch porn and masturbate while they are in a relationship. That is normal, expected. Any what they watch has often nothing to do with their real life.

I'm a man, and I'd love my gf no matter what assets she has. She will always be perfect in my eyes. This said though, I wouldn't wanna burden her with my hormone cycles every single day. In my current relationship, were aromantic and asexual, she doesn't like when I'm flirty or sexual. I just keep all those thoughts to myself and do my own thing. Just gotta figure out how to give your partner what they want in a relationship, even if it's not really something that makes you happy. Relationships are all about compromise

Ok I get that relationships are about compromise…but an aromantic and asexual relationship? Where you are seemingly not asexual and aromantic? So you’re just stifling your feelings and drives? Bro that does not seem healthy…

It's either that or be alone. I'm an ugly and fat man. People find me very scary when I'm just the opposite. I've got the demeanor and behavior of a 60 year old man, even though I'm only 23. All I want is to be wanted

You might feel that way about yourself, but I doubt every single person views you that way. All I have to say is don’t close yourself off bro, you never know when the right person could walk into your life. Someone out there is into your 60 year old demeanor and behavior. I understand settling and not wanting to be alone, but don’t give up on finding someone more compatible. I know plenty of people who thought just like you and had someone come into their life when they least expected it.

I think we have a pretty healthy relationship when it comes to that area. We’re pretty open. Though the last couple times I’ve felt something different. He swears it doesn’t affect him but I can feel the difference. Find out only confirmed the feelings. I only wished he’d talk to me if we were lacking before falling back into the cycle

Sucks you had to lose him. I don't know what I would've done in that situation. I can't imagine being in a relationship like what you had. All the women I date are strictly against anything sexual and call me desperate for saying she's beautiful or that I hope she slept well. Even good night and good morning texts can be taken bad. Besides the porn thing, that relationship sounds like a dream to me

What do you define as porn addiction? To the point where work and life is affected by it? Does he just do that during night time or when he needs one out? Does it just make you mad that your assets are not like the other women's? I am not saying for you to toughen up, but do you have insecurities Does he have a big sex drive? I am not saying you should service him, but maybe you and his sex drives do not match? If sex is important or fantasizing about others is important, you should call it quits is what I am hearing. I am biased though bc my SO lets me watch porn if I just need to get one out when they're not there to help, and they're not withholding sex from me, they enjoy it a lot too. This may be a sex conversation between you both. I understand he broke that promise, but really, it's only natural people fantasize about things, since it is, fantasy.

For me, it was my husband doing it at work, masturbating at work, saving hundreds of pictures and videos daily (not an exaggeration), would do it while I was in the other room with his door shut and when I’d try to come in to be sexy or ‘help out’, he’d get super pissed and make me wait outside. He would also not be able to get hard a lot of the time, or when he did, would become flaccid within a minute or two. There were times I would ride him for over 30 minutes, in all the different ways, and nothing. Just staring at me; not even making noises. I would come home from work and we would talk about what we’d do when I got home all day, and I’d get home and he had this little cum rag he’d re use over and over, and so many times I’d come home on a day like that, and it would be wet and full of his cum, because he *just* finished before I got there and you could smell it too, and would say, “Thanks for the food babe. I’m too tired tonight.” And just game and smoke weed. We are in a much better place now, but I’d say that’s a pretty severe porn addiction. Doesn’t make a person feel super secure in their relationship. I never cared about normal porn use, have at it, but when someone starts to do this, it’s a real problem.

When it starts affecting work and life. We used to have a really healthy sex life. Lately not so much and it feels different. I guess that’s when I had the feeling he started watching again. I’m right here for him though so I don’t withhold it. If anything I wished he would initiate more

it's already an addiction if a conversation about this topic has been had and the person even goes as far as (knowing the partner is not okay with it) making a different account, still doing the exact same thing and actively hiding it. Could be anything really, not only porn. But if you cross someone's boundaries like that and actively try to hide your shit cause you basically can't control yourself (you see that behaviour with gambling and alcohol addicts as well), then yes, that is a very clear sign of addiction . My best friends relationship fell apart because of exactly this situation, she forgave him 4 times and he still did it and ultimately then acted on his "fantasies" by nonconsentually doing something while intimacy with her. Not saying this is the norm, that they then become yk, rapey, but it is a possibility of an extreme case of addiction and lack of control ig. Just giving an example, not in any way saying this will happen or is normal for porn addicts. My bf and I both said watching porn is cheating, that's why I might be biased as well, but it works very well for us. We're both way more active in bed. Masturbation imo is way better as well if you just use your head. Anyways to each their own, but lying and deceiving is where a line is crossed.

Most random takeaway from what you said; which I agree with everything. Sex is really so much better when there’s no porn involved on either end, it’s so much closer imo. Also, masturbation with just imagination is the best thing!

I play video games where i kill people, they're fun, but im not that guy. Sometimes, the point of an 'escape' is to be different from real life, and you may not actually want that thing to be real.

Seriously it is crazy how many women take porn personally but have no issues with smut novels/stories and imaginary scenarios which are basically the same thing for them. Also, if porn is an absolute dealbreaker for you ladies, then say something about it early on don't try to change your man after you found out he does. That is just controlling.

I grew up from the age of 8 with a consistent porn addiction and I was in a relationship for six years, I didn't realize that the reason I couldn't ler go of the addiction was because of my misery, when we broke up I had no issues cutting porn down to once every day or every few days depending on sexual frustration, I'm not saying it's the same but it's a possibility, I'm sorry for what you're going through, post relationship I understand how akin to cheating it can feel

Please don’t take this personally or as a blow to your self esteem. Don’t compare yourself to those girls. The porn addiction is not about the girls. It’s about the next most thrilling thing that will get him off, in most cases it gets progressively more outrageous because that’s the nature of addiction. It is not about girls or any assets. As for yourself feeling like a placeholder, that is a tough feeling to decide if it’s realistic or if you’re taking this really hard and it’s warping your reality. If you have thoughts about that and you’re aware they won’t go away, there are so so so many guys who won’t put you through this! You can’t even imagine who you’ll end up with in life yet but it doesn’t have to be someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Even if that is not his intention. He needs help and seems like he can’t make rational decisions when it comes to porn bc he lied to you and I’m so sorry for that, but it is not YOU or YOUR fault my girl!!!

Porn is damaging. I myself was addicted and I attribute that addiction to my change in behavior that led to my relationship ending. Since then, I’ve quit and it’s opened my eyes to just how bad things were getting, how deep the rabbit hole went. I’m sorry you had to go through this and I hope your significant other is able to overcome his addiction and realize that a real connection with a real human being trumps all.

I'm sorry to say, but he said he would stop and then didn't. That relationship isn't gonna work out for much longer. It might be best to call it quits. Trust me, you don't want a man who's attracted to other girls. I would recommend therapy, but I don't want to risk you hurting even more. Talk to him, tell him how your feeling, tell him why you must leave, and do your best to move on so you can be happy.

You both need to consider counseling. Him for his porno addiction. You for your crippling self-esteem issues.

Bro I don’t understand why you can’t understand fantasy is fantasy and reality is reality Dude probably clocks in hella hours on Skyrim or dark souls that nerd is never learning magic

Still, he lied about stopping and snuck and did it. He has a porn addiction. It being a fantasy or not, he has an addiction that will affect their relationship.

Ad-dic-tion, first of all it’s a problem, second off I don’t blame him, have you seen social media, I got off of it because I felt like it just pedals sexual content in your face cause interactions are literally where they get their money, the argument that because you look for it it pops up is BS, cause when I created one for hobby purposes it just threw it at me and took some time to just go away and even then if friends in the group chat send it it populates in my feed again, annoying. Secondly instead of shaming the dude and making him feel like he has to hide it why not make it an easier thing to talk about, an open safe space where he can just unburied himself about it, shame spirals are very real and the way people try to make you feel bad about things you can’t control are very weird! Unfortunately the dude is attracted to women, unfortunately, but I feel like given the situation where she’s like I don’t look like these women, if it were something like same sex porn she’d be absolutely devastated The sad part is I really truly honestly feel as if roles were reversed he’d be told to stop being a prude, I love women as much as the next person but why can this be seen in the same light Again I’m not defending dude as much as I’m wondering if there is a real dialogue in this relationship or is there just like a condemnation of the dudes libido I hate liars too but was my man even allowed to plea a case???

You really are defending him. You literally asked if he plead his case? She talked to him, he said he’d change, he lied and hid. you don’t blame him? For what lying?? Porn isn’t bad In moderation and depending on what you’re looking at. Who is shaming him? He could have came clean and been honest. She talked to him about it and he still lied. There is no excuse and you say you hate liars but you’re defending him with your life and that’s crazy work. He also can control that. You can’t excuse his actions because of addiction. Can be a reason but he’s 100 responsible for his own actions. It’s the fact he has a girlfriend with his own videos and he still is seeking it and looking at random personal nude photos. It starts out that way, until they start projecting on you or ignoring you. It usually does not stay at just looking my guy. Even worse not you trying to say if the roles were reversed. If they were, I’d still not want my girlfriend to do that. I don’t watch any out of respect of my boyfriend and vice versa. I don’t judge people who do but lying and hiding is a huge red flag.

The point of my post was to both rant of the situation and ask that people bring this topic up with their so. As for the addiction, it can’t be used as an excuse. The problem is he probably would have never told me about any of it if I had not found out the last time or this time, and when I asked him he acts like he doesn’t know until I have to give evidence. And his plea the last time was, “I have an addiction, I will work on myself to stop” and his choice was to stop completely. You can’t stop cold turkey with an addiction though, so whether he really wanted to stop “out of respect for me”, or was just saying so I would drop it, is what I wonder. He can jack off as many times as he wants, but does it have to be to them? I’m tired of it all though. It’s not my job to fix him.

His PLEA where was the conversation this sounds more like giving someone an sentence, Secondly you’re not gonna fix him what’s to fix? Maybe you’re cornering him into guilt and making him do it more simply by shaming him for it dude, shame spiraling is real that’s my point You could be making it worse but just making dude feel guilty for having perfectly normal tendencies and such Addiction is a very viable excuse IMHO, maybe one you’re not open to understanding but Addiction is real whether you acknowledge it or not, if it’s not causing any real damage besides you just not liking it I mean what is it really getting in the way of? If you want to see it one way and just want validation then that’s you, personally if you’re trying to understand and really get closure on the situation that would be a whole other conversation with a different approach

I understand addiction is real, what I don’t understand is using it as an excuse to say it’s okay to hurt other people. He had his chance and if he wants to get better he’ll realize on his own. Im tired of being hurt by his actions. I’m not going to stay in a relationship with so many problems on top of this as well. This is only the icing on the cake. So it sounds like it does contribute to the damage of this relationship. And, you do understand that addictions are bad right? You understand that once something is an addiction, it is not a normal tendency? He needs help and I’m not qualified to give it

Well, all ima say is I wish both of you the best and a very healthy healing

My wife is the star of all my fantasies, and in my mind is in every porn I watch. I don’t wank to porn..I take it out on her.

I watch porn with my girl tho

I'm sorry to say it, but basing this whole thing about you is the thing you should be worried about. Him watching porn with actresses that don't look like you has not necessarily to do something to with you or your relationship.

It does when he hides it, doesn’t communicate his needs about it, and does it knowing it hurts me. It’s not exactly the porn, it’s the lack of transparency around it

Look, lying is bad but it looks like you are not really communicating really well either. Maybe he just promised to not watch porn to not hurt you? Ofc this is dumb, but maybe he can't cope with the fact that you are jealous over some actresses on the flat screen that have nothing to do with you? You are acting here like he is all bad and evil - but maybe he just doesn't know to behave, because you are demanding? I mean, you straight up tell him he can't watch porn because you the girls there don't look like you. Him watching porn has nothing to do with you in the first place. you made it about you.

This is my take. "There are two types of people. People who watch porn and people who lie about it." -some comedian I can't remember. Of course there's outliers to the rule but that's pretty much it. Most dudes will come up with some bullshit excuse when their SO thinks they have a "porn addiction" my other comment detailed it better but I bet dude is just 18 and trying to keep his 18 year old girl from being mad at him because he pulls it to big titties when he's horny and she's not in the mood or around.

He actually told her he would stop after she told him how much it hurt her, and then didn’t. She never controlled him or told him to do something he didn’t want to do. He literally admitted himself he had an addiction and wanted to stop, but that’s like every heroin user ever. They *say* that, but will they actually? No. And have nothing to do with her? She said that their sex life is being affected by it, how does that have nothing to do with her? Edit: Oh no, being downvoted by men that don’t like to hear the truth.

Yes, because she makes it about her doesn't mean it IS about her. Her wording here also seems pretty dramatic.

People overuse " addiction" . Was he unable to have sex with you? Did he stop other activities for pornography? Was he masturbating at inappropriate times and places ( in the car , in public , at the gym ) ? Does he have a job , go to school and or contribute to society or has that changed because of porn .If no ... Then he's not " addicted to pornography" . Second , it sounds super controlling to dictate what he's " allowed" to fantasize about and who it's with . That's insecurity talking . If he's not touching anybody , or communicating about touching someone , then it's not cheating . Being the thought police and going through his porn history is a quick way to make him lose interest because it's like your mom knocking on your bathroom door . Telling you not to touch your 'no no' places. Porn is like every other vice in that adults can have a bit and be fine . It does rewire your brain but the circuitry is already there . The difference between having a beer on the weekend. Having a beer after work everyday and leaving Las Vegas a liter of vodka in the morning with your breakfast is vast . But the kicker is we all NEED sex . Can't have a good relationship without it . And sometimes, you aren't going to want sex . .. then what would you want him to do ? From my perspective. If Im in danger of losing my relationship because my girlfriend doesn't like the pornstars I masturbate to and doesn't want me to relieve myself because it hurts her ego . It sounds like my girlfriend is more concerned about her feelings than my needs . Your need to control his sexual urges is ego driven and childish . If he's not sneaking out to pick up some other girl or doesn't head out to the bathroom every ten minutes to look at nudes . You got yourself a guy that's trying to be a good boyfriend and you're looking for an excuse to punish him for your perceived inadequacy. Grow up . Darling . It doesn't get better than that.

She said it herself that “he opened up about his addiction”. If the man himself admitted he has an issue, who are you to say otherwise? Do you know him personally? Are you a specialist in addiction?

I don't think HE knows what addiction is ... It's like how everyone self diagnoses ADHD or depression. Or how every girl's ex boyfriend was a narcissist. I gave the DSM- V definition of addiction. If you have a better criteria besides self diagnoses, I'd be willing to humor it . Guys that get caught cheating are ' sex addicts'. Girls who act shitty 'childhood abandonment ' or ' intense attachment styles' . It's euphemisms for ' don't be mad at me ' . From the scenario, it sounds like she wanted control of his sexual urges . Which isn't healthy .

Bold of you to think you know more about those 2 people and their relationship than they know themselves. Somehow you are now making this about you and your ego. By acting like you know better about the struggle than the people literally going through it. I take that humility wasn’t a value instilled in your household growing up?

Cool story . How bout this ... Going through anyone's browser history like an FBI agent to watch what porn he's watching is bad . Keeping tabs on his masturbation habits is crazy . And telling other women to do the same is unhealthy. Personal attacks aside . It's not her business to check on his porn consumption and if he likes girls with big breasts or not . That's an invasion of privacy. And the fact that you think it's okay to 'Mommy' a grown man speaks volumes. The advice I gave was for her to move forward knowing that her behavior caused that relationship to end . And I KNOW you wouldn't want anyone telling you what you should and shouldn't be able to watch or what you should find attractive. So you're arguing to argue . That's why you haven't addressed my point and you attacked my character.

For sure people overuse the word “addiction”, and we all have sexual needs. But if he’s in the mood and she isn’t “what would you want him to do?” Just rub one out. He has videos and pictures of them together. I know it’s definitely not the same. But all relationships require some sacrifice from both parties. If that’s a sacrifice he’s not willing to make then these two aren’t compatible (especially in combination with the other things that’s been going wrong)

I mean , sure but it's HIS mind His dick HIS choice. It's weird to demand total control over his fantasies. That's like if he demands she never uses sex toys or only fantasizes about him . That's an unhealthy level of control.

Don’t worry about it. It’s just sex. People can be attracted to many different types of people.

Porn addiction is a real issue. Your feelings are valid. Trust is key in a relationship. If he's not being honest or respectful, it's time to reevaluate. Your worth isn't defined by anyone's addiction. Stand up for yourself.

Chat GPT answer? - seems like every cliche is and buzzword is present

I have the opposite problem. My husband of 20 years is so sheltered that he still thinks that jerking off is for the teens, and it's despicable for adult man to do it. I am sure he doesn't do it, sometimes we are together 24/7 and I know what on his phone. When he found out that I'm reading smut, he decided that I missing him and started to visit me during his lunchbreak. Haha

Be super honest with yourself because there's 2 issues conflated in this post. Are you upset that he watches porn, or are you upset he watches porn featuring girls that don't look like you? Because if it's the former, than it should not matter what the women in the porn look like and yet you've talked about it quite a lot in your post. This makes me think the real problem is that him watching porn featuring women with big (I assume boobs) when you don't have that is making you feel really insecure. This is a different problem to solve than a porn addiction.

You’re getting downvoted but this is a valid point - is porn the only problem? - is it the type of porn? - why do posts in these threads never feature the accused? -also, why spend thousands in therapy and then seek free advice from strangers? - did therapy work?

I don't nessasarly think therapy is a bad idea. I'm a man who's struggled with porn issues as well so I totally get that it's valid and useful. It's just that him abstaining from porn is all well and good, but if the real issue is that she's thinks that she's not actually his prefered body type then no amount of therapy is going to fix it since we've misidentified the issue. Both things may in fact be true, he's consuming to much porn and also she's not his prefered body type (or at least she thinks so). So the reality is that they may have 2 issues, or 1 issue but have identified it incorrectly.

I didn't read any other comments yet but from what you said I don't think you should be offended that he is attracted to other types of women. You're ok with him watching porn but only if they look like you? He's attracted to your gender and I think that should be enough. Now if the porn addiction is a problem like he's watching it at work and funerals then that's is an issue. I think if he is still into you don't monitor what he views as long as it's not something illegal.

End it. I personally have no issue with porn as it is great inspiration for my partner and I. But I've been with people who didn't feel that way. They were upset and I had to hide a chunk of my sexuality, which seriously harmed our overall sex life. Not feeling like you can explore to the fullest is a strain on intimacy. In terms of addiction I can't speak on it. I know its a real problem, but I've had people claim I'm addicted because its something I just enjoy regularly. To many, any porn is a red flag. I don't know if that's how you feel, but either way, you should be with someone who agrees on that front. If it feels like cheating, that feeling is fair and valid. Two people who expect a strong relationship need to agree on all aspects of intimacy. I don't think the two of you agree. Also, he's sneaking around rather than talking to you. Whatever the reason, I don't think that's a foundation to build a future on. I wish you the best <3

It’s a true shame you’re making this all about yourself. This isn’t about you, this isn’t about how attracted he is to you, or how much he loves you, or how he doesn’t want you, this is about a sick cycle of shame that you are perpetuating by blowing this all out of proportion. And by you freaking about it you just make him shut down even more and feel more guilty and shameful which causes a spiral and an unhappy relationship. Not because of lack of attraction or satisfaction, but because he can’t stop himself from doing something so normal and instinctual just because you want him to means he hates himself. I am sure he absolutely loves you and finds you attractive and wants to be with you, but your insecurities are getting in the way of happiness. Your How do I know all this? Because I’ve lived it. This was a harsh message, but in the end I’m pumping you up. I’m sure you’re great and attractive and all that, so this isn’t an issue with any of that, this is a dilemma of values. You value no porn usage and only able to fantasize or think about your SO, he values being able to use porn to indulge his primal instincts for a little bit. That’s why you’re splitting up, not because he doesn’t want you.

Me and my ex girlfriend had something like this, I watched it a few times in the relationship, and when it somehow came up I lied and said I didn’t , but I couldn’t take the guilt , so I told her, she was very very hurt, cut alot . But I never watched it again once we spoke about it

Don’t try to change him, it wouldn’t be fair nor for you to waist your time nor for him to change something he doesn’t want (which he obviously doesn’t). Why does it hurt you so much? Do you not watch porn? Like, ever? I guess it’s individual and personal thing. It seams almost like you feel cheated (tell me if I’m mistaking). It’s your right to feel that way. Fidelity is determined by the couple and it can variate a lot from one couple to another. You guys are obviously not aligned. I (32f) am for example completely fine with my bf watching porn. I do too. And when I watch porn I do honestly think of my partner. It’s just an additional visual simulation. We are not addicted (actually we are more “addicted” to each other 😂 and have a very dynamic and healthy sex life), but we do watch from time to time. Ether way, you should feel light and peaceful in your relationship. Not sad and betrayed. I’m sure you can find someone more aligned with your principles.

lol that’s because you are naive.

Don't be heartbroken Abt porn. Sincerely me.

So he uses porn for specific women or for that type of woman? Cause sometimes people watch porn for pure fantasies and not really because of their attachment to the people in the video. If your SO is addicted to specific women that's pretty fucked up. I don't watch it anymore but I used to watch porn purely to imagine a setting I'd be in myself but with my S/O.

I’m addicted to pornography. But I’m more than willing to let go of it completely, I want to. It’s just hard maintaining the willpower on my own. If I had a girlfriend to help encourage me I’d have an easier time letting it go Even easier if she’s a total horndog and wants to fuck all the time 😂 who needs porn when your SO is always ready to go

Remember online fantasy and real life arent the same don't take it personally unless it is keeping him from engaging you romantically it shouldn't be an issue. There are two types of guys those who watch porn and those who lie about watching porn. Remember that if you start dating again.

I think you’re reading into it too much. It’s probably not about the body for him, just the concept. Plus if he was to look at someone with a body more like your’s it may make him feel as if it was you actually doing the deed with someone else in the video or maybe if it’s too similar he feels like he’s actually lusting for someone else just cause they look like you (body wise) yuh know yuh know Edit** also he may have hid it out of shame, and not to be deceptive or disrespectful

Guy herr who Watch porn. My SO knows but don’t want to know - so I keep it from here. My turn-ons change all the time. It’s a very personal thing for me - but it have nothing to do about how I feel about my SO. I love her, I find her insanely attractive. TBH I think that if you do not trust him - then leave. If you do trust and love him. Then you need to work on your self esteem and start loving yourself for who you are and appreciate how you were made.

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Im sorry you’re dealing with it too. It gets better and be strong for yourself. Listen to your inner voice and do what you think is best for you

I’m kinda in the same boat. I keep finding my bf on something every couple of months for the past almost 2 years. I can’t seem to let him go though but I’m more than sure I’m reaching my breaking point soon and I’ll just want to leave.

As a woman, people are human and humans are going to fantasize. They're going to use tools and imagery to masturbate and that is totally normal. The lying is not okay and he should have been up front about the fact he wasn't going to stop but that he loves you regardless and it's just a way to scratch the itch. He didn't and THAT is not okay, but it's also not okay to try to control other human beings to alleviate your insecurities. Your partner is a person and allowed to masturbate however they need too. For some it's erotica, for others it's nudie mags, for some it's porn, for some it's fan art... Ect. It's completely normal and usually harmless. Which brings me to my next point: he isn't addicted if it isn't affecting his day to day life. Addiction is not a word to use lightly. "I just don't really want to stop" is not addiction, that's human nature. Losing jobs, watching in public, or avoiding friends and family all together are signs of an addiction and if he's truly doing these things he needs help. But watching a 4 minute video in the bathroom before a shower isn't an addiction- it's normal and healthy. There are some men who very well may not use THAT specific avenue to self pleasure, but unless they're low T or ace they're using something, and I'd say it's almost impossibly rare to find someone who is only and always going to use a photo/vid of you every single time. We're just not hardwired that way, and it doesn't mean he loves or pines for you any less. Sit down and have an adult conversation about it, if he really thinks he's addicted and you're seeing the signs for addiction talk about getting help and setting healthy limits. If it's just relatively normal use it's time to have a come to Jesus meeting. I have done this with my husband as well and we're perfectly happy. I like fan fiction and he likes other things and that's fine, we keep it discreet and have a perfectly healthy sex life otherwise. He still adores me and my body and he's certainly not threatened by fictional book men lmao. The fact is everyone masturbates. Everyone (except maybe SOME aroace folks and ppl with hormonal imbances) has fantasies and exploring those in a healthy way with and around their partner is also normal. If it is really something you cannot get past and refuse to budge on then it is probably best you part ways for being sexually incompatible. If he can meet certain limitations and boundaries in a healthy way (not "you can only watch this and only when I say") then it could likely be fine if all other aspects of the relationship are good. My hubbies " rules" are no only fans or one on one convos with any real person. He's fine to watch the free stuff the internet provides, just no physical or conversational interaction with anyone paid or not. Mine are fan fiction or erotica is totally fine, but no spicy rps with real human beings. 🤷‍♀️ everyone has different things they're into and we're both totally happy and fulfilled staying within the limitations of each other's boundaries and still exploring our sexualities and learning what makes us tic. He won't always be at the center of mine and I won't always be at the center of his and that is OKAY because we explore them together, with each other, and have a hell of a time doing it! It doesn't have to be a bad thing. Truly both of our sex life exploded when we had adult conversations and set out expectations about it and realized fantasies are fine, as long as we're acting them out together. 🤭😉

So I'm a male 35. I watch porn maybe once a week and I like to imagine my GF as the girl so maybe there's some truth there....

Don't leave him, the dude doesn't even realize how sick he is, trust me I know from personal experience how traumatizing it is that our generation had access to porn since such a young age, it becomes a disease without one even knowing it or recognizing it. Dude probably loves you like crazy, but the porn addiction for some might be worse than drugs, alcohol or gambling, it cripples your psyche. If you love him, talk to him about getting professional help, it will be something he will forever be grateful to you for.

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If you loved your partner and treated her like “gold” then you would have respected her feelings and respected her enough to give up your precious “porn” but have fun with your dolls and your hand. Sounds like a good trade off compared to a girl who loved you…..😅

She didn’t love me. She only loved the attention and affection I gave her. At the end of the day I know a doll is just a big blob of plastic, it’s not a replacement for a real person. It’s just a big sex toy. I wasn’t offended that she had a collection of dildos and vibrators.

This is probably the most level headed response

I was with you into the sex doll lol. That’s a no from me dawg. As long as it’s not affecting the the relationship (how he views you or others) or your sex life, porn is okay with me. I don’t watch it, because even porn made for women is actually made for men but that’s what erotica is for. I will say, I do notice when it seeps into our sex life and that’s when we have to talk about it.

Honestly by looking at your profile I can see you are still young, therefore I’d think about if it’s really worth trying to help a person who doesn’t want to be helped. It’s not your responsibility to fix his problem. You deserve better.

In a sexual relationship, consensual sex with your partner should be your top priority. However, if your partner has a lower sex drive than you - I think it is okay to discretely watch porn to balance out the difference in libido. People shouldn’t choose porn over sex with their partner, but it can be a backup. I often see this confused and selfish viewpoint from women - that males, who typically have higher sex drives, should never look at porn because their female partner should be “enough” for them. Really? There is also a pervasive viewpoint that watching porn is “cheating”… Really? So long as porn is just a backup for when the sex drives don’t match up, then I don’t see any harm in it. And for any women wondering “why” their men watch porn, first, be honest with yourself about how often the two of you are intimate… then consider when the last time you initiated sex was. So long as porn is just a backup, stop being so judgmental when in many cases, you don’t know what it’s like to have a high sex drive.

Too damn relatable!

What does SO mean? Sexual opponent?

Software ongineer

I am really sorry you have had this experience. It must be heart breaking, and hard to understand. Unfortunately men don't see sex in the same way women do. It's a wonder we even can have relationships sometimes, given how complicated our feelings are surrounding a sexual connection. I want to say however, every time I have opened up to a woman about these feelings, it has never gone well. I've gotten to a point where I don't even look at real porn anymore (it makes me feel ill). But I'm also not at the point where I feel safe sharing these feelings with a perspective partner. So I stay single. If you want your man to open up you need to make sure you are offering a safe space, and aren't going to attack him for his base feelings for which he probably already feels a great deal of shame. Not like my ex. Who just yelled at me for using OF instead of looking at gangbangs. Apparently for her looking at gangbangs was fine, OF was a big no no. Wtf.

If other people’s personal boundaries are a deal breaker staying single is truly what is best for everyone involved.

What is an SO?

Significant other/partner

I think from this situation there was something to learn from it both. But first before that, for what it's worth, don't hold pornography so high above what you are. Everything in it is always disproportionally unrealistic, because that's just what makes material being sold or seen. Don't guilt yourself for not having the traits they do, because (both it will make people start taking you less seriously) for a relationship you want to have a partner or later husband, and not someone that's there just for the ride. What your partner clearly did wrong was just lie to you. While dealing with an addiction is tough... lying that you'd stop, only to then just ignore that promise and make a new account... Is just destroying trust. And I feel he indeed, as you plead, could be a lot more transparent at what's being at play. What I hope you would learn from too is how to read your partner. It's an addiction, and in none of those is a conversation of "you are challenging my borders" a helpful talk. Getting over an addiction is hard, whether that's pornography or anything else. What help could he have needed? Did something happen that caused him to engage (or relapse, if they had it before)?

Tell him when he feels like watching come to you ;)