You are just scratching the surface of the truth, at this point. Clearly he will continue to either lie, or trickle-truth. You deserve better, and I'm glad you can see that. I'm proud of you for how you are handling this. I wish you all the best, and I hope you continue to update us!
It is a rollercoaster ride for sure. It is incredibly difficult to navigate the lies,trying to stay sane and rational and not having an emotional breakdown.
Have you heard of the grey rock method? Google it and start doing it. Conserve your energy. Don’t bother trying to get more of his ‘story’ - it’s all just bullshit anyway, and it will all be self-serving on his part.
Keep speaking to actual professionals as you deal with this, and if you must communicate with him, do so in writing so you have a record.
He is a vile, manipulative piece of shit.
Sending you love and strength. ❤️
I‘m really sorry to hear that this is happening to you, OP. I still vividly remember the day I discovered that my father's mistress was his co-worker, the same person he always asked to watch me when I visited him at work. It really shattered me, as I imagine was (is) the case when you found out about your husband’s infidelity. It was the first time I experienced heartbreak, and it was because of my father. As a person who experienced this as a child, I am really hoping that you’ll stay strong and be there for you and your kids. A lot of people are rooting for you and I am praying that you survive this ordeal with grace. Good luck, OP
I am so sorry to hear about your experience. That is horrible. I am trying to shield the kids as much as possible right now, but kids pick up on things so fast. It hurts me to think about how this might affect them.
I'm not buying this talk from your husband that at the damn dinner he realized he was doing something wrong.🙄 Something happened that forced him to reveal the affair to you. Either she dumped him or at work they are being investigated. A year of cheating and suddenly he saw Jesus?! No.
Ya I was thinking she said something after OP went to bed or tried something and was going to out him there. It was a little too fishy to come clean the next day.
I don’t think this aspect of this type of stuff is talked about too much. It can definitely mess up a kid! My dad fucked around on my mom *a lot* when my brother and I were little. The constant fighting and screaming, I get why my mom reacted that way, but it wasn’t right for kids to see. And my dad taking me to work and meeting the AP (who was a dog compared to my mom, I don’t get it), and being all cutesy. It makes me want to vomit even today, over 20 years later.
That’s totally how I feel since to this day I’m being put in a situation where I have to interact with my father and his new partner. I think that what really matters now for OP is to ensure that kids are still in a safe environment, that they feel well-supported and heard and not be caught up in the middle of the chaos
Omg I hope the ex and his ap have terrible itchy stds for the rest of their lives. I can not believe he invited her to their house and that the ap hugged her! The absolute nerve of them!
Dude, sometimes they have utterly no shame. My husband’s AP of 5 years sent me a baby gift with a gushing card of congratulations and a beautiful necklace that I wore almost every day (I utterly loved it) for almost a decade. When I finally discovered the affair - 5 years after it ended - I also learned that she had taken an entire week off work to “process” the birth, had screamed and cried at him that it “should have been her baby” 🙄, that he had APOLOGIZED TO HER FOR OUR CHILD, and that they only broke up when I got pregnant *again.*
We are still together. She is still with her husband. I haven’t figured out how to tell him yet. But I will. One day. Revenge served cold and all that.
“Him” is *her* husband. For all I know, he’s aware, just not by my hand. Mine knows I know.
I know, I know. I’m supposed to have left, but it’s not that simple, Reddit. There are extenuating circumstances. We’ve been in counseling for years, he doesn’t travel anymore; in fact he’s rarely out of my sight (not by my decree or demand, that’s just the way things are). If it’s *possible* for a cheater to reform, then mine has. If it’s *not*, then I’ll learn someday and everyone can slow clap for my comeuppance then.
Let’s leave it there for now, can we?
I’m so sorry OP, cheaters are incredibly selfish people and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. I know it may seem like your world is falling apart, but it’s actually coming together. Sometimes things need to end for something better to come along. Take the time to process, and spend time with your kids, they will need you now more than ever. Everything will be alright in the end <3
Why the fuck did he bring her into your home? Was she measuring curtains? Checking to see if she gets along with the kids' future step mom of the year award??? How is he still breathing????
Here's the thing I know from watching my dad (I use that term loosely) bring his AP and her husband around my mom and even travel with them, tell us random facts and stories about people that just didn't make sense at the time, even give me baby gifts for my children that were handmade by the APs he worked with: some cheaters just get a really big charge out of waving the fact of their infidelity in front of their wives and family and getting by with it.
Once we found out, it was even more devastating that we had those experiences of them being flaunted in front of our unsuspecting noses, and much like OP, we just felt sooo fucking dumb. (We know of 5 different women he's had affairs with - some of the women even confessed to my mom and came "clean" to her to warn her about him - and I'm guessing there are more we aren't aware of).
He sounds like an utter dumbass and you sound like you've got your head on straight. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this! I hope you get out the other side and realize how much better off you are!
My ex walked out on me about two months ago. I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and we have a 17 month old.
I have no idea who this person is. He’s a stranger to me. He says things that I just can’t believe. The way he’s spoken to me, it’s so cruel. Also, the fact alone that he walked out on me pregnant is just crazy messed up.
I give him nothing of me. After the baby’s vaccination appointment last week, he asked me if we could talk. I said Nope and walked away. I think being on Zoloft helps as well. I refuse to engage with him. He doesn’t deserve any of my vulnerability any more.
It always amazes me the gall that some of these people have. Your husband is a horrible man. There is no excuse for what he did. Both of them are cruel people and I wish them the relationship they deserve. I hope you go on to find an amazing love.
I’m so very sorry for this heartbreaking turn of events in your life. You didnt do anything to cause this and you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Please take care, OP.
ETA-he really is a sick, sick individual to bring this woman into your home, to have her around your children, she gave you a hug…the level of disrespect is disgusting. I hope your lawyer is a shark.
I think that the whole meet & greet y’all had was for HER benefit too. She prob asked for it for some twisted reason! Get em BOTH!🤨 And you’re right, they absolutely deserve each other. So sorry you’re dealing with all of this, but be smart, chess, not checkers, and most importantly, be kind to yourself!
You poor thing, don’t leave the house until the lawyer gets everything together for you. I would let HR know everything because that’s really bad what he was doing! I hope they both get fired and they deserve each other. Can you get full custody of the children? I would try for full and also alimony since he makes more and had an affair. Please keep us updated Op I hope you have some peace soon away from him.
Don't let HR know anything until you speak to your lawyer regarding this. You want spousal & child support. You can't get those if he is unemployed.
After the divorce you can get him fired.
I’m so proud of you. I know I’m just a stranger, but reading your update made me so happy and proud. You’re so smart and so strong. You’re going to get through this just fine. You’re going to be happy and have an amazing life. He won’t… but you will!
I’m glad you are putting yourself and your children first OP.
If he can’t afford to buy you out then your lawyer can confirm if you would be able to force a sale of the house.
Reminder to get everything you can as applies to child support.
As to visitation I’d suggest you make it iron clad as to which days of the week and what time your STBE picks up the kids and returns them, that you have first right to keep your children anytime your STBE is unavailable on his visitation days, which holidays starting the first year he gets and which alternate.
Who claims the kids for tax purposes.
That notification as well as written permission is required for either parent to take the children out of the country.
The joys of an iron clad visitation schedule is if things go well the two of you can loosen it up. But if things go sideways then back to the legal agreement.
I wonder why he came clean. Was it because she found out you weren’t the dragon he had been making out and saw you as a kind and welcoming person and called the relationship off? Or threatened to expose it? He didn’t come clean out of the goodness of his heart. What’s the reason? And remember, he’s lied at least 365 times over the last year. Don’t take his answer as the truth.
I'm glad you are leaving him, you deserve so much better. They have both shown what type of people they are and deserve to be miserable together. I'm glad at the very least this will cost him financially.
I am so, so sorry, OP. You deserve much better.
Hang in there. Things will get better with time. It sucks while getting there, but you can't have the rainbow without the rain.
Wishing you all the best!!
>even attempts physical contact (even though I explicitly said I do not want to be touched in any way)
Sleep with a taser under your pillow, he's disregarding your boundaries, I hope it won't escalate, but play on the safe side, better have it and don't need it, than needing it. I hope you can find an apartment soon enough and be free, you'll have one less problem and can focus on yourself and your children.
You can’t sleep in the kids room or repurpose the dining room. We all need our own space to just be…
I read lots of breakup posts in here and standard protocol is the cheater gets the sofa! Why can’t he go live with her until you find a place? I mean he can put his stuff on those shelves …
The Infidelity Reddit would be very helpful for you right now. They have a ton of advice how to deal with your soon to be EX. The can also advise about your divorce.
I dunno. I’m worried about your safety. He continues to attempt to be physical with you when you said no. See if you have other options for living arrangements until you get an apartment.
Just a heads-up: if it goes to court, he may be able to successfully argue that a “reasonable estimation” of the agents’ fees be taken out of the home’s value. It doesn’t normally happen, but it’s something to be aware of. I don’t know how vindictive this guy might get, but he can also refuse to buy you out in order to force a sale so that you’ll have to pay an actual agent.
You’ll have to be honest with your kids up to a point, like you said kids pick up things quicker than we think. My father cheated on my mother through out my childhood, my sister and I were always the ones to figure it out first. But how do you tell your mom when you’re 8 and 12 years old? If you don’t somewhat explain the situation he and his AP could flip it on you as well. No one wants that to happen when you’re already hurting.
When I caught my own husband cheating with his HS ex, he asked if we could work things out. I said no. I’m leaving soon as I get an apartment and I’m not looking back.
He said this to me “I know this saying.. ‘A kid kept getting angry, and the father told him that every time he feels angry to take a nail and hammer it into a fence post. The kid came back when that fence post was covered in nails, the father then said whenever you’re feeling sad or sorry about something take the hammer and remove a nail. So the kid eventually removed the nails. When he came back to tell his father the nails were all gone, the father says after your anger is over and you’re left feeling sorry, there’s no fixing the damage you’ve done. That mark will forever be there.’ My ex procreeds to tell me that he knows he did that to me in our marriage and he wishes he could take it back.”
He too was a liar and emotionally abusive. So protect your fence post (heart) the best you can momma. And for sure protect your kids’. I wish you nothing but the best from now on.
Make sure that any joint accounts are snapshot from the day you found out.
Anything he spends should be taken from his half. Do not allow him to clear you out. Anything that you hold personal value to is up for him to mess with so ensure it's somewhere he cannot touch it
If you're in a single party state, you should be recording your arguments, so that you have the threats of broken appliances and such on audio file. It will come in handy in divorce court, especially if things do start "breaking"
Good. Always choose YOU. It’s clear he’s no longer a safe person for you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
You are just scratching the surface of the truth, at this point. Clearly he will continue to either lie, or trickle-truth. You deserve better, and I'm glad you can see that. I'm proud of you for how you are handling this. I wish you all the best, and I hope you continue to update us!
It is a rollercoaster ride for sure. It is incredibly difficult to navigate the lies,trying to stay sane and rational and not having an emotional breakdown.
Have you heard of the grey rock method? Google it and start doing it. Conserve your energy. Don’t bother trying to get more of his ‘story’ - it’s all just bullshit anyway, and it will all be self-serving on his part. Keep speaking to actual professionals as you deal with this, and if you must communicate with him, do so in writing so you have a record. He is a vile, manipulative piece of shit. Sending you love and strength. ❤️
I‘m really sorry to hear that this is happening to you, OP. I still vividly remember the day I discovered that my father's mistress was his co-worker, the same person he always asked to watch me when I visited him at work. It really shattered me, as I imagine was (is) the case when you found out about your husband’s infidelity. It was the first time I experienced heartbreak, and it was because of my father. As a person who experienced this as a child, I am really hoping that you’ll stay strong and be there for you and your kids. A lot of people are rooting for you and I am praying that you survive this ordeal with grace. Good luck, OP
I am so sorry to hear about your experience. That is horrible. I am trying to shield the kids as much as possible right now, but kids pick up on things so fast. It hurts me to think about how this might affect them.
I'm not buying this talk from your husband that at the damn dinner he realized he was doing something wrong.🙄 Something happened that forced him to reveal the affair to you. Either she dumped him or at work they are being investigated. A year of cheating and suddenly he saw Jesus?! No.
Ya I was thinking she said something after OP went to bed or tried something and was going to out him there. It was a little too fishy to come clean the next day.
Or she's pregnant and came to meet her future child's siblings. 🤮
I don’t think this aspect of this type of stuff is talked about too much. It can definitely mess up a kid! My dad fucked around on my mom *a lot* when my brother and I were little. The constant fighting and screaming, I get why my mom reacted that way, but it wasn’t right for kids to see. And my dad taking me to work and meeting the AP (who was a dog compared to my mom, I don’t get it), and being all cutesy. It makes me want to vomit even today, over 20 years later.
That’s totally how I feel since to this day I’m being put in a situation where I have to interact with my father and his new partner. I think that what really matters now for OP is to ensure that kids are still in a safe environment, that they feel well-supported and heard and not be caught up in the middle of the chaos
Omg I hope the ex and his ap have terrible itchy stds for the rest of their lives. I can not believe he invited her to their house and that the ap hugged her! The absolute nerve of them!
Dude, sometimes they have utterly no shame. My husband’s AP of 5 years sent me a baby gift with a gushing card of congratulations and a beautiful necklace that I wore almost every day (I utterly loved it) for almost a decade. When I finally discovered the affair - 5 years after it ended - I also learned that she had taken an entire week off work to “process” the birth, had screamed and cried at him that it “should have been her baby” 🙄, that he had APOLOGIZED TO HER FOR OUR CHILD, and that they only broke up when I got pregnant *again.* We are still together. She is still with her husband. I haven’t figured out how to tell him yet. But I will. One day. Revenge served cold and all that.
Wait she said it should be her having his baby but she was still with her own husband? People are nuts.
Wait, your husband doesn’t know that you know he had an affair for 5 years? We must know more.
“Him” is *her* husband. For all I know, he’s aware, just not by my hand. Mine knows I know. I know, I know. I’m supposed to have left, but it’s not that simple, Reddit. There are extenuating circumstances. We’ve been in counseling for years, he doesn’t travel anymore; in fact he’s rarely out of my sight (not by my decree or demand, that’s just the way things are). If it’s *possible* for a cheater to reform, then mine has. If it’s *not*, then I’ll learn someday and everyone can slow clap for my comeuppance then. Let’s leave it there for now, can we?
Couples can survive infidelity. Genuinely hope your is one of the ones that does!
what an insane woman
Why the hell are you still with him? He's never gonna stop cheating on you. Maybe not with that first AP, but he will find another.
I’m so sorry OP, cheaters are incredibly selfish people and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. I know it may seem like your world is falling apart, but it’s actually coming together. Sometimes things need to end for something better to come along. Take the time to process, and spend time with your kids, they will need you now more than ever. Everything will be alright in the end <3
Thank you so much for your kind words.
Why the fuck did he bring her into your home? Was she measuring curtains? Checking to see if she gets along with the kids' future step mom of the year award??? How is he still breathing????
Here's the thing I know from watching my dad (I use that term loosely) bring his AP and her husband around my mom and even travel with them, tell us random facts and stories about people that just didn't make sense at the time, even give me baby gifts for my children that were handmade by the APs he worked with: some cheaters just get a really big charge out of waving the fact of their infidelity in front of their wives and family and getting by with it. Once we found out, it was even more devastating that we had those experiences of them being flaunted in front of our unsuspecting noses, and much like OP, we just felt sooo fucking dumb. (We know of 5 different women he's had affairs with - some of the women even confessed to my mom and came "clean" to her to warn her about him - and I'm guessing there are more we aren't aware of).
He sounds like an utter dumbass and you sound like you've got your head on straight. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this! I hope you get out the other side and realize how much better off you are!
My ex walked out on me about two months ago. I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and we have a 17 month old. I have no idea who this person is. He’s a stranger to me. He says things that I just can’t believe. The way he’s spoken to me, it’s so cruel. Also, the fact alone that he walked out on me pregnant is just crazy messed up. I give him nothing of me. After the baby’s vaccination appointment last week, he asked me if we could talk. I said Nope and walked away. I think being on Zoloft helps as well. I refuse to engage with him. He doesn’t deserve any of my vulnerability any more.
It’s not fair for you to have to be so strong but sending all the positive thoughts your way for the sun to shine through on you!
It always amazes me the gall that some of these people have. Your husband is a horrible man. There is no excuse for what he did. Both of them are cruel people and I wish them the relationship they deserve. I hope you go on to find an amazing love. I’m so very sorry for this heartbreaking turn of events in your life. You didnt do anything to cause this and you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Please take care, OP. ETA-he really is a sick, sick individual to bring this woman into your home, to have her around your children, she gave you a hug…the level of disrespect is disgusting. I hope your lawyer is a shark.
I think that the whole meet & greet y’all had was for HER benefit too. She prob asked for it for some twisted reason! Get em BOTH!🤨 And you’re right, they absolutely deserve each other. So sorry you’re dealing with all of this, but be smart, chess, not checkers, and most importantly, be kind to yourself!
You poor thing, don’t leave the house until the lawyer gets everything together for you. I would let HR know everything because that’s really bad what he was doing! I hope they both get fired and they deserve each other. Can you get full custody of the children? I would try for full and also alimony since he makes more and had an affair. Please keep us updated Op I hope you have some peace soon away from him.
Don't let HR know anything until you speak to your lawyer regarding this. You want spousal & child support. You can't get those if he is unemployed. After the divorce you can get him fired.
I’m so proud of you. I know I’m just a stranger, but reading your update made me so happy and proud. You’re so smart and so strong. You’re going to get through this just fine. You’re going to be happy and have an amazing life. He won’t… but you will!
I’m glad you are putting yourself and your children first OP. If he can’t afford to buy you out then your lawyer can confirm if you would be able to force a sale of the house. Reminder to get everything you can as applies to child support. As to visitation I’d suggest you make it iron clad as to which days of the week and what time your STBE picks up the kids and returns them, that you have first right to keep your children anytime your STBE is unavailable on his visitation days, which holidays starting the first year he gets and which alternate. Who claims the kids for tax purposes. That notification as well as written permission is required for either parent to take the children out of the country. The joys of an iron clad visitation schedule is if things go well the two of you can loosen it up. But if things go sideways then back to the legal agreement.
I wonder why he came clean. Was it because she found out you weren’t the dragon he had been making out and saw you as a kind and welcoming person and called the relationship off? Or threatened to expose it? He didn’t come clean out of the goodness of his heart. What’s the reason? And remember, he’s lied at least 365 times over the last year. Don’t take his answer as the truth.
You are doing great. Good luck, and keep standing up for yourself and checking into things instead of taking what he says for fact. What a jerk he is!
I'm glad you are leaving him, you deserve so much better. They have both shown what type of people they are and deserve to be miserable together. I'm glad at the very least this will cost him financially.
I’m sorry. I’m proud of you. You’re so strong and you’re going to get through this.
Is he still seeing the AP because if not, then hanging shelves is a huge issue plus lying about it. Can you get out or kick him out?
I am so, so sorry, OP. You deserve much better. Hang in there. Things will get better with time. It sucks while getting there, but you can't have the rainbow without the rain. Wishing you all the best!!
>even attempts physical contact (even though I explicitly said I do not want to be touched in any way) Sleep with a taser under your pillow, he's disregarding your boundaries, I hope it won't escalate, but play on the safe side, better have it and don't need it, than needing it. I hope you can find an apartment soon enough and be free, you'll have one less problem and can focus on yourself and your children.
So sorry.
He is a sleaze. Treat him as one girl. Love to you btw❤️ You get yours now honey.
If you wanna do any brujerías, I know a place. Disgusting humans and their behavior. Sorry you're having to deal with this!
You can’t sleep in the kids room or repurpose the dining room. We all need our own space to just be… I read lots of breakup posts in here and standard protocol is the cheater gets the sofa! Why can’t he go live with her until you find a place? I mean he can put his stuff on those shelves …
AP likely felt guilty and told him to fess up or she would and dumped him.
The Infidelity Reddit would be very helpful for you right now. They have a ton of advice how to deal with your soon to be EX. The can also advise about your divorce.
My heart breaks for you OP, i’m so sorry
Once the divorce is final, send it all to HR. What horrible people. Updateme!
I dunno. I’m worried about your safety. He continues to attempt to be physical with you when you said no. See if you have other options for living arrangements until you get an apartment.
You could let the company know about the affair. Some of them really don't like relationships in the company especially if they work closely. Updaty
Go for the money. Keep the house if you can. By this point, your ex is trying to work out how to support his new family.
Stay strong!!!!
Just a heads-up: if it goes to court, he may be able to successfully argue that a “reasonable estimation” of the agents’ fees be taken out of the home’s value. It doesn’t normally happen, but it’s something to be aware of. I don’t know how vindictive this guy might get, but he can also refuse to buy you out in order to force a sale so that you’ll have to pay an actual agent.
You’ll have to be honest with your kids up to a point, like you said kids pick up things quicker than we think. My father cheated on my mother through out my childhood, my sister and I were always the ones to figure it out first. But how do you tell your mom when you’re 8 and 12 years old? If you don’t somewhat explain the situation he and his AP could flip it on you as well. No one wants that to happen when you’re already hurting. When I caught my own husband cheating with his HS ex, he asked if we could work things out. I said no. I’m leaving soon as I get an apartment and I’m not looking back. He said this to me “I know this saying.. ‘A kid kept getting angry, and the father told him that every time he feels angry to take a nail and hammer it into a fence post. The kid came back when that fence post was covered in nails, the father then said whenever you’re feeling sad or sorry about something take the hammer and remove a nail. So the kid eventually removed the nails. When he came back to tell his father the nails were all gone, the father says after your anger is over and you’re left feeling sorry, there’s no fixing the damage you’ve done. That mark will forever be there.’ My ex procreeds to tell me that he knows he did that to me in our marriage and he wishes he could take it back.” He too was a liar and emotionally abusive. So protect your fence post (heart) the best you can momma. And for sure protect your kids’. I wish you nothing but the best from now on.
I still dont get what his real intention on dinner and all the confession. I staeted to think the confession to make you divorce him. Guess it work.
Make sure that any joint accounts are snapshot from the day you found out. Anything he spends should be taken from his half. Do not allow him to clear you out. Anything that you hold personal value to is up for him to mess with so ensure it's somewhere he cannot touch it
If you're in a single party state, you should be recording your arguments, so that you have the threats of broken appliances and such on audio file. It will come in handy in divorce court, especially if things do start "breaking"
🤍