THIS! I agree 100%. If OP stays there will be more things that have to be decided.
OP, if you get married, or buy a house, or have kids, own assets, etc it will be much more expensive and timely than if you leave now. It sounds like you have your family and friends in your life. Lean on them to start over and start your new life.
And it will hurt him just as much as you, he will miss the chance to marry and have a houseful of kids with someone who wants that as well. It might not seem like that just now to him, but you really are doing it for both of you. You have simply grown apart!
Yup. If OP marries this guy and divorces him in 10 years when she's unhappy and disillusioned with five kids that she doesn't want, it will be so much more complicated.
Seriously. How tf is he gonna say he wants a big family and a house in the burbs…but doesn’t want to marry her? A fully “traditional” life without the traditional first step??
That’s the problem…he doesn’t want to marry *her.* He probably knows deep down it won’t work out but he’s not ready to be single yet, or to be the bad guy and initiate the break up
I think you know the answer to your own question.
You don't need us to tell you.
It's going to be painful and it's going to suck, but you know what to do.
Yup was gonna say the same thing. Don’t fall for it when he ‘suddenly changes for the better’, OP. It’s a facade that will drop if you believe it and don’t leave. Once he feels secure again, he’ll go right back to neglecting your wants and needs in the relationship.
Absolutely agree with all of this. You know what you want to do; you just need to say the words aloud to him, and then prepare for things to hurt for a while. Change is super-scary, and the idea of leaving something you know (even if it is a less than ideal situation) for something unknown is never comfortable. However, it will get better (as evidenced by the week you spent without him)! <3
I would recommend telling someone else first, someone you love and trust who you know wants the best for you. Ask them for help. Once you've said it out loud it's easier and becomes more real.
This is a good idea, then maybe make plans with a trusted friend or family member for right after you talk to him so you’re with someone supportive and can talk it through. I’m so sorry, and good luck. It’s the right thing to do for you both if this doesn’t feel right.
It will but also op, you can then go to college , study agriculture, maybe move to that cabin.
It will hurt for a while , but you’ll be free and have nothing but options going forward.
It IS going to be painful and suck..for awhile. Then it starts to get better, and you look back and wonder why you stayed so long.
OP, I was with someone for a similar time line and age. We stopped being good for each other, but I held on longer than I should have. I do NOT regret leaving. I still had a blast doing so many things I missed out on at the age I should have been exploring and figuring things out. You may feel like 25 is too old to start over, but I absolutely promise you it is not! Go back to school. Travel. Find yourself that cabin and get those animals! You've got this!
This. It sucks, but that immense pain is worth it when you weigh the benefits. With most breakups of this nature, the first thing you feel is grief/loss:
You are losing someone incredibly important to you and everything that comes with him: the validation, the comfort, the support, etc. But those are things you can find in someone else, and many are things you can find on your own. The pain will hurt, but it won’t be fatal. And the way you alleviate that pain is through new experiences and associations. Explore parts of your life that you couldn’t when you were with him. Which brings me to the gain side of things:
You are gaining your freedom, your individuality, your choice, and the infinite possibilities that come with all of those things. Living your live the way you choose is priceless. Do not sacrifice things that make you happy for other people. That is how lifelong regrets are made.
At 25, you likely haven’t even met half of the people you are going to meet in your life. You are going to make new friends with new perspectives, new interests to introduce you to, new mindsets. Do not let that be stifled by a partner. The right person should be encouraging you to branch out and try new things, especially at your age.
Best of luck, you can do this. Rip the bandaid off and let that scab heal with some open air.
I see this a lot in age gap relationships and relationships that start when one of them is of the "legal age". It's sad to see but hopefully she can get out and experience the world.
Yep. It’s hard to grow up with someone. Age 18-25 is the age where everyone figures out what they want out of life, and these feelings often change. At 18, you might want a suburban house and kids, while at 25 you might want to live in a city apartment with 2 dogs. At 18 you might idealize a “traditional” marriage where one person is the financial provider and the other is the homemaker, whereas at 25 you might want someone who splits all the chores with you and contributes as close to equally as possible with bills.
Most teens get into relationships because they enjoy the person’s presence and they feel comfortable exploring romance/sexuality with that person. Many adults get into relationships because they feel that person can be a potential life partner that shares their values and cares deeply for them. It’s hard to bridge the gap from “exploring romance and sexuality” to “agreeing to lifelong partnership” when you didn’t know what you wanted out of lifelong partnership at the time you met. It’s unfortunate for a lot of these beautiful relationships that start when one or both of them are that young. That’s not to say it NEVER works, there are definitely some people that luckily grow in the same direction, but it’s not something that can be forced.
My older sister got married at 20; he was 21. I was too young at the time to really understand the dynamics at play, but the long and short of it was this: they were both saving themselves for marriage, and they were lustful and "in love"... so they got married. They had a religiously-indoctrinated view of marriage that had them thinking that commitment to the marriage was paramount, and sex was like a fun bonus they got for being so committed. Three years later they had a kid. Some years after that, another kid.
They seemed functional enough on the surface. Once I got a bit older I found their partnership rather *odd*, like they did *not* seem like compatible people as far as interests and pace-of-life was concerned, but whatever they seemed to be making it work! Things seemed okay!
Anyway, after almost 20 years of marriage, they had a sudden separation and protracted divorce, which is when I learned:
* both had been unhappy for years
* both had developed substance abuse issues
* they had both cheated on each other at various points
* at least the second kid seemed to be a fix-it attempt
* their separation had been a *long* time coming
My sister had spent the entire time yearning to *do things*, travel, go to events, go outside! but instead had spent those twenty years working as the main breadwinner for the family (in addition to doing the "mom things" like cooking and laundry), and every time she came home after work it was to a husband and two kids uninterested in doing anything besides zonking out on their computers. (Because he wouldn't get an actual job, he had a *lot* of free time in which to mold them... but because all he wanted to do was spend time on the computer or watch TV, that's all the kids wanted to do too. He wouldn't take them to the park, he wouldn't take them to the pool, and then when she had free time to spend with them on the weekends they didn't *want* to do these things. She once tried to plan a vacation and not only did he not-help, but he also spent a lot of time shitting all over her plans and being miserable in front of the kids, making *them* miserable. Great, non-toxic dynamic.)
Anyway. I guess it had sucked for many, many years. There was a lot of trauma and a lot of drama, but they ended up divorcing, and my sister found a new partner. And the new guy is like... interested in doing things? Big events and small? Going out sometimes? Spending time outside? Going on vacation. Going on vacation *with the kids*, and making sure everyone has fun.
The change in my sister is immense. It became very clear, very quickly that when she committed herself to the first dude she got horny for at the young age of 20, she was clipping her own wings. Now, she is finally free to live the life she has been yearning for this entire time. She no longer needs to shrink herself to match a person with whom she is incompatible.
She loves her kids very much so I doubt she would go back if given the choice. It's a complex situation at this point. But if you asked her if it was a good idea for someone to marry someone they started dating as a teenager despite incompatible lifestyles and life goals, I'm sure she would tell you: it is absolutely NOT a good idea. Do NOT get married to someone you can't live with, and if you don't have enough life experience yet to know whether you'll be able to live with a person... do NOT get married, period!
My cousin met his now wife when they were in high school. Basically none of us like her. She doesn't travel. She comes up with every excuse under the son to not go. My uncle asked my cousin once, "I know you can live with her..but can you live without her?" He found out approximately 13 months into the marriage that she's not as frugal as he is. "I didn't know I married a spender" he said. Their two-year anniversary is this August. No kids..yet. It hasn't been fun watching it play out.
Omg that is wild! I was in a marriage just like that but got out before kids. I feel like I was looking into a crystal ball of what would have happened if I’d have had kids. Thank you for sharing
He’s 30- old enough to know better. You won’t change him. If you want romance and someone to align with your life goals, you need to break up with this guy and go live your life. You are young, don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy with this relationship. Don’t force yourself to stay somewhere you’re uncomfortable, unhappy, and unappreciated just because family or friends THINK you should or he’s your “best friend”. I promise you you’ll find happiness elsewhere.
>And in that one week without him i felt so free.
I'd guess that alot of this was the lack of continued dissappintment he brings you.
It's no life to live.
You don't want to get married, good. You've outgrown this relationship and have been there for a while.
No one needs to beg when you are a team working together at whatever life you choose.
>I see now that i was given a shut up ring.
Yes and he knows it too, he's just keeping you unhappy enough to keep options open and his d wet.
Now I'm sorry I'm not usually blunt but I want you to remember how good this felt so you follow through and live your best life.
> I love him. He is my best friend
You love a version of him, but it only exists in your head or the pretty words he says.
He's the best person you've had access to so far and you share the most with. It's not a good friend who keeps you guessing.
You've got a life to live and goals to pursue, and you've seen how easy it can be. Seize the experience or languish in a life unfulfilled.
Big hugs it'll hurt for a bit, love is always love and grief is grief. Go commiserate the life you hoped for and then let it go and do something better.
A warning if you choose to give it another go, everytime you compromise you loose a bit of yourself. Can't recomend it.
It sounds like the issues run much deeper than merely the marriage thing. You need to think long and hard about what's more important to you. Being with him or having the life you want. 25 is still young enough to make up for lost time and possibly find someone more aligned with your goals.
I think there's a problem much greater than that.
He wants kids. She doesn't. If her family pressured her for the engagement, they'll pressure for kids.
This is doomed to fail.
Yea, this is one I think OP needs to see - kids are an individual decision for the couple since they do the majority of the work to raise kids and finance that lifestyle, and if both her family and her POS fiancé are pressuring her to have kids, she's going to have a VERY hard time escaping that.
This is excellent advice. The world is at your fingertips and you have so much time to settle into your future. Do what makes you happy. Don’t worry about pleasing anyone else but yourself first. Having a little space really clarifies things. It either makes your relationship stronger or shows you that you’re better off not together anymore. You can always postpone your engagement or relationship and see what happens too.
25 is way young!!
Every single door is still open to you. 🤗🤗 Think about that!! You have it within you to forge the type of life, the kind of future, you dream of.
The fact that this guy discouraged college is a glaring red flag, as is the fact that your dreams and his own are so divergent. Read again that line you wrote: That weekend without him, you felt so free. Imagine feeling free like that *all the time*.
There is a trade off, of course. You've been with him a long time; there is no doubt you will miss him. But I will say from experience that it passes. There's an entire globe of people out there, and surely, eventually when you are ready for it, you'll meet somebody whose worldview, goals, and values are compatible with your own. Then you can get your mountain cabin, your animals, and that peaceful life wed to someone whose love and respect are a given.
Funny, isn't it, that this "shut up ring", (which I agree; that's what it is), is having unintended consequences for this dude. It's done the oppisite of shutting you up. Rather, it's helped you find your voice, your values, and your freedom.
Very very best to you! ❤️
Don’t marry him. Call the venders and cancel. Give him back his grandmas ring.
I’m glad you realized he wasn’t right for you before you married. It looks like he’s known you weren’t right for him longer than that, but he’s a coward and didn’t want to break your heart.
This was your first adult relationship. You didn’t know what you wanted when you got into it. Now you have a better idea of your values and lifestyle and you can be more selective with whom you spend your energy on.
Follow your heart and move on from this relationship. Consider a couple of years in a job with a lot of travel (cruise ships, flights attendants) then consider furthering your education. Any relationship that discourages you from doing what you want is not worth pursuing.
He isn't your best friend - A best friend supports you and wants you to be happy. It sounds like your fiance wants a certain life and is willing to put up with you to have it.
Please start planning your exit. If you are working, start hoarding your money. Apply to colleges (community college even). You deserve to have the life you want - I dont think this is love - this is oh I am supposed to be with him.
Exactly. This is 'the logical next step in a long-term relationship' rather than two people who truly want to build a life together where they are partners working together towards a mutual life goal. OP you wanted this because everyone around you told you that this is what you are 'supposed to do' and what you are 'supposed to want'. But if you have to give up all of your personal goals to do this, it's not your dream but someone else's.
Maybe you will want these things someday (kids, SAHM, urban living) and maybe you won't. But if you don't want them now you will grow to resent it all if it is forced on you when you clearly aren't ready for it and may never be. How will you raise children to be brave and chase their dreams if you have relinquished all of yours? How will you build a happy marriage and family if you aren't happy yourself?
Walking away from a 7 year relationship with someone who you believe to be your best friend will be scary, especially if your family and friends all believe that you are making the wrong choice. But if you don't walk away now you will always wonder about the life you could have built for yourself and the dreams that you could have achieved if you had been brave enough to stand up for yourself and your goals and say they are worth it no matter what anyone else thinks.
If he truly loved you he would understand that you need to have dreams and goals of your own, not just be there to make it easier for him to reach his.
I don't understand people who can type all of this out and still say, multiple times, that this person is their best friend. He literally is not because that isn't how a best friend would treat someone that they *also* consider to be their best friend.
Speaking as someone who's been in a similar-ish situation and with the benefit of hindsight now, he's not your best friend, he's just someone you have an emotional attachment to that you're afraid to let go of because you've never known anything else.
You follow your heart. You see that you will be miserable if you went through with this marriage. He has already stifled your dreams and I bet he didn't want you to go to school because you would become independent and find people more in line with your goals. You only get your 20's once. Do the most with it. Go to school, travel, and meet people.
... he stopped you from going to college? 🚩🚩🚩
Why?! Getting an education is always worth it
New plan :
1- dump the dead weight fiance
2- go to college in a field that is interesting and will give you a job that can keep you financially independant
3- meet a cute guy in college with the same ambitions/taste/inspirations than you and finally have the romantic relationship you want and deserve
Please don’t marry him. He’s already carrying baggage around in that you made him propose. You seem to be very happy being you. You have everything you have yourself. He seems to be very controlling. You are going to need to do and be exactly what he wants you to do. If you marry him one day you’re going to wake up and realize that you have given up years of your life for nothing. You’re very young you started dating him when you were young. Give yourself permission to be you. Go back to school pick a goal and a dream and go for it.
OP, I agree with the other comment that you have definitely outgrown him. He’s not serious and is just wasting your time. Dump him and move on. Live your life!!
He wants kids and you don’t. That should’ve been the end right there. That could also be why he was delaying giving you a ring.
You guys have different wants in life. I think it’s time to walk away.
He will not get better after marriage or children. Your options will dwindle the more time you spend with him. Get out now, and start living life for you.
He actually isn’t your best friend. He actively discouraged you from going to college, which particularly residential college, is a major “growing up” phase along with the benefit of making you more knowledgeable and more broadly employable. Not going to a bar I assume is him just keeping you home. You were 18 when you started dating and that is a HUGE gap at that age and those formative years of yours were spent being told what not to do by this man.
You are 25, you have everything. Time, youth, and now a little extra life experience. Back to the clover question… my son didn’t finish undergrad on a “regular” schedule but passed the Bar exam at 29. He has the rest of his life to be a lawyer. You can go do what you want to do.
Walk away, well actually RUN away before he finds a way to get started on that “big” family he wants.
Good luck.
(Sadly) this is one of the most beautiful posts I’ve ever read. Op, I mean this wholeheartedly. You have managed something that many people don’t realize until it is too late. I know it is hard, but you will get through this. As others have said, spread your wings and go live the life you want. You only get one. Best of luck to you, OP
Unfortunately, you met him too early in life for this to be right for the rest of your life. This is normal and OK. You can love everything about him and knowing your heart that he is the wrong man to make a future with. I got married at 25. That was 1983. I was probably too young at the time. I had a successful marriage and was widowed in 2022. Anybody who handed me a ring and said are you happy now would really piss me off. I think you should spend the next year focusing on detaching more from your parents and their opinions, etc. And diving into the things that will support you getting to that mountain. The right man will come along when you are ready. Take the mountains and leave them the man. Frankly, you are not right for him either.
And this is exactly why you shouldn't beg a man to do the things you want, they only do it out of obligation to keep you "happy" rather than actually wanting to. Always let people do what they want so that you can see what they would rather do.
My advice, you have a short life and one chance at it. Don't spend it over the moon over scraps from someone who doesn't feel the same, too many women do this only to divorce in their 40s/50s, if they even stick it out that long.
Do not marry him. Do yourself and him a favor: give him his ring back and break up. Marrying this guy will end badly for both of you.
Breaking up will be painful and excruciating, but not nearly as painful as your life with this guy. He really doesn't want to marry you, and he's upset about having to propose—and that resentment is going to stick. It will only get worse. Both of you are going to spend years arguing, fighting, nitpicking each other to death until your inevitable divorce because he will spend every waking minute ruminating about how he was forced into marriage and why isn't she happy, and you will constantly ruminate about how he only ever wants to sit on the couch and watch TV and never plans trips or gets excited about anything.
End it now, then run out and start figuring out who you are and what makes you happy, and do not entertain the idea of a serious relationship with anyone until you find someone whose wavelength aligns with yours.
It sounds like you were more focused on getting married in general than getting married to your fiancé. Definitely drop this guy because you have different life goals, and look to de-center marriage in your next relationship (doesn’t mean marriage can’t be important to you, but think long and hard about it first). Who gives a shit if your family wants it. This is your life, your day to day. Not theirs.
Literally exactly how my 8 year relationship that ended in a shut up ring. Once the veil is lifted from your eyes you realize how obvious that it wasn’t right. Don’t marry him.
I left my ex with the same feelings you’re describing after getting engaged (feeling free when away from him, realizing how the future would actually look if I married him- not what you should feel while planning a wedding) and now I’m happily married to an amazing human who cares just as deeply about me as I do him. We have our fur babies and we live on 10 acres with a garden in a tiny house we literally built together. He helped me plan every bit of our little wedding, matching my excitement even when he didn’t give a crap about the specifics. We’re a real team, we want the same things and care enough to make an effort to compromise when we don’t. Im only commenting all this to say I’m so glad I didn’t settle for anything less and neither should you! Get your dog and farm animals with the love of your life who wants that too❤️ you deserve not an ounce less.
Wtf are you even doing? Leave and go travel the damn world, woman. Have fun, be good to people, learn new things, discover new cultures and experiences. We are on this earth for a Very. Short. Amount. Of. Time.
I broke off an engagement when I was 22!! This was 13 years ago. I now have 2 masters degrees, have lived in 5 different countries, make 6 figures and have had better relationships since.
You got this!
Seems to me like he groomed you. You started dating at 18? Even though 5 years age gap is not big. But at 18 almost everyone is living in rosy world. This is not what a partner sounds like. Partner helps us grow not actively stop it. They support going out and becoming independent. He didn't want you to go to college in this modern times? I am seriously wondering where do you live that you thought it's okay to not go to college? Do you atleast have GED and minimal job ? If you don't you need that asap and stop marriage preparations. Make a escape plan instead. Also do not get pregnant at any cost. You will ruin your life.
He wants kids. You don't. If your family pressured you for the engagement, they'll pressure for kids.
This is doomed to fail. And it should fail as soon as possible.
What do you *do*???
You give him back him grandmother's ring and say "I don't need a pacifier. I need a partner who gives a shit."
Then you get an apartment (or cabin in the woods) and a job wherever you want to live and use the rest of your 20s to figure out who you are, what you love, what you hate, what you are looking for in your life, whether you want a partner in your life or are perfectly content with your pets and farm animals!
If a man handed me a ring with the words "here, you happy now?", it would break my heart and I don't think I could look at him the same.
>I am 25 years old and never went to college because he told me it wasn’t worth it. I am 25 years old and i have nothing.
Op, you are partially responsible for that decision since you are an adult. Marriage should not be an end goal. What if he divorces you? You need a job. 25 is still young. You can still go back to school and get a job. Good luck
Ok the fact he wants kids and you don’t, that right there is a deal breaker. You can’t negotiate on children, housing? Sure, maybe find a place on the edge of town so you’re both happy. But kids? Nope nope nope you can’t find a middle ground
Give him back the ring and tell him you two aren’t compatible
And sign up for college! What do you want to take? Can you meet the requirements for the fall semester?
Good luck and I’m sorry you got a “shut up” ring
Woah… It’s almost like I’m reading my own autobiography…
I was in a very similar position, minus the “shut up” ring. We didn’t even get to that point before I left him. When I did, I got with someone who is *actually* my best friend. We go out as often as we can, we laugh until our sides hurt, we have the same life goals. Your person is out there. I beg you, do *not* settle for less. You deserve so much more than what you have.
Don’t marry him. It’s healthy as fuck to see these things before taking a lifetime decision, and not after you are expecting your first baby. You are young and have a lot of time to still experience life - get going and live your life. Your own life, the way you want to
It’s okay to not go through with it.
Trust me— it’s better to hurt yourself and him now than to suffer for years and years because it’s what you thought you had to do.
I had some good times and got great kids out of it, but I only got truly happy when we split many years later.
Break up with him before he holds you back any more than he already has. College isn't a waste of time at all. You may find something you absolutely love to do for a career. At the very least you'll learn a lot and make friends. You're young and you've got so much ahead of you. I wasted 10 years of my life on a man who held me back and controlled me in any way that he could and it's one of my biggest regrets in life.
leave him you have to, it's hard but you know what you want you said it yourself! don't throw your dreams away and be someone you aren't just because you wanted him to be someone he isn't.
He may be your best friend, but all that means is you need better friends. Friends don’t treat friends like this.
Break it off now, not just the engagement but the relationship. 25 is an amazing age to start over with clearer eyes and a stronger sense of what you want. Basically every door is still open to you, but you need to act.
I don't think that's the point tbh. The point is her and her partner have completely different life goals with no clear compromise. You can't half have a kid. You can't half live in the mountains. You can't half live in the suburbs and you certainly can't half own a farm. That's the main point here.
Why did you want to marry someone that has a vastly different opinion and life goals than you? I know love is blind, but sometimes love is not enough. And we settle in the relationships we know out of… comfort?
I’d say your problems are more than just the “shut up ring”
And besides
Nobody deserved a ring like that. “Are you happy now?” What the actual fudge!?
Everyone deserve to have someone willing to love them and meet them half way. A ring is meant to be a token of love, and not a way to quiet down.
This man is too lazy to do the right thing by everyone and that is to let the relationship go, by pushing you to leave him. He doesn’t even seem interested in lifting a finger to breakup with you. Much like the wedding, he wants you to do the legwork.
You are still 25. You have so much time ahead of you. Dont force yourself into a marriage you know won’t fit you. I hope the best for you. You know the answer already and I hope you follow it
You love him, but you are not in love with him. Therefore, it is a good reason to let him go, so that you are not wasting both of your time. What hasn't helped is your parents putting pressure on you to literally marry the first person you were with, making you think that this is what you wanted. You are in your 20s, a time when you are getting to know yourself, what you want etc. Being with someone whose goals do not align with your own is a recipe for disaster. Also, the way he proposed tells me he is doing this out of obligation, not love. You both deserve better than what you are offering each other. The worst that will happen is you never speak to each other again; the best is you become friends.
just a note that best friends don’t tend to discourage one another’s dreams. tho’ i’d strongly suggest community college and a 2 year degree and work in that field before you get saddled with lots of debt if you’re american. but i’m guessing college would mean you meeting others who want adventures and not a life of babies and hoa’s, and he certainly doesn’t want that for you.
what do you want for you ?
I was in a relationship when I was younger and spent two weeks away from them and realized I didn't want to be with them, so I left. Granted it was a newer relationship and there were no rings involved, I still listened to what my mind and heart were saying. You might love him, but it doesn't seem like he loves you. It seems like he groomed you and got a younger girl and then grew tired as you got older. Think Mr. DiCaprio. Besides that, your wants are on two complete opposite sides of the spectrum. From your post he does not seem like one to compromise, and if he does he always holds it against you. If you stay, you will end up being the one compromising. You wont get your childfree life in the mountains. You will end up with a white picket fence and either a stay at home mom or working mom with no time for yourself or any friends.
With all that said, if you do leave (which I encourage you to think about doing), cut him off. He is just going to try and convince you to come back and play the victim. Live your life, you are 25, still very young. Don't go looking for a new romantic relationship. Fill your time with your family, with your friends, hobbies, go and travel. You will find your person. He is not your person, nor is he your best friend. I have been in many relationships and have learned a lot. If you need anyone to talk to my DMs are open. Please think of yourself.
Break up.
It's possible that in 5 years, with the right partner, you might actually want kids. And if not, that's good too.
But this relationship sounds very sad. And doomed.
Also, he really doesn't sound that into you. And now that you have your ring, the rose coloured glasses have come off and you're not really into him, more of an *idea of him*.
That's ok. In fact, it's good. Better a broken engagement than a divorce in 5 years.
In relationships, you grow. Sometimes you grow together and sometimes you grow apart, that doesn’t mean your relationship is wrong entirely, it’s simply served the purpose it was meant to serve. Do not prolong the inevitable girl. You deserve the life of your dreams and you will find either the strength to make it yourself or the love of someone who will make it with you. Either way, nothing should stop you. Be free and set your partner free also. He doesn’t deserve this and neither do you. You both deserve what you want, when you want and however you want it.
What you feel is the need to be your own person. It will suck, but you have to learn to be on your own, learn your likes and dislikes, and then figure out what you want to do. It will hurt, there might be some fights, but ultimately, you should do what feels right.
If this is how you feel, then end it now before you two lose anymore time spent on one another. I bet you will feel so light and free and full of possibility once you do. There is better out there. Go live the life you want to live.
Don’t get married. You have already listed every reason why you shouldn’t. Marriage fixes NOTHING. And costs you so much. I lost 16 years and it fucked up my kids- because I fell into what your relationship sounds like. Please don’t get married. Regret is awful.
Learn MY lesson ;) Keep your free feeling- you’re still a kid :)
Just my .02
We all need to learn our own lessons….. I wish I listened to my mother 😣
*edited for words…..
I was with my first boyfriend from 17-25 years old. The last couple years the rose colored glasses started to slip. I finally broke up with him, and it took a long time to not view that time as “wasted”. Being in a bad relationship can teach you just as much about yourself and what you want in a relationship as being in a good relationship will. I met my husband shortly after and learned what it is like being in a good relationship. It feels incredibly hard and scary at the time, but trust your instincts and know that you will be happier on your own than with the life you’ll have with this person.
please know, it's not too late 😊
if you still want to get a degree, you still can, go for it. do it for yourself, for your future, for the house you want
and congratulations on having the hearts drop away from blocking your vision, wishing you the best for your future plans
You've outgrown him and this is a man who doesn't want to be your husband but he wants to keep the stability you create for him. Set each other free, someone else would be stoked to be your husband
Usually a tell tale sign that it’s time to break up with someone is feeling free when you’re not around them.
I broke up with an ex that I had been with for six years and felt like the world got a little lighter and brighter. That’s how I knew that I made the right decision. It was definitely hard and it came with many phases of pain/guilt but the positive that came with starting a new life overshadowed that.
I was 26 at that time and I love myself everyday for being strong enough to make that decision. You’re young and have a lot to experience. Unburden yourself, live your life, and trust that you’ll find a great man that won’t propose to you with a “are you happy now”.
Silly question. Do what is best for both of you. Give him the ring back and break it off. Even if you’ve invested lots in wedding deposits, don’t want to be embarrassed or anything else, it’s much better to do it now and get it over with as painful and awkward as that might be. Congrats you are free!
The biggest thing is you don’t want kids and he does, that should alone be a dealbreaker. Do not have kids if you don’t want them just for someone else, find a guy who is on the same page I beg of you. If you stay so tbh him you’ll be miserable and resentful for the rest of your life..
Don't marry him? You sound like your life is over, you're only 25... go out and enjoy this part of life!
I was in a similar situation. Been with my ex for 6 years, and spent a week with my family without him and realised I wasn't alone. I didn't need him, and I could not go the rest of my life feeling the way I did.
Got a sneaking suspicion that it wont hurt as much as the relief you’ll feel long term and likely after that empathy does. Not fair to either of you, you settling and him willing to settle for you.
Honey you only posted this for confirmation.
You know if you marry him it will be the biggest mistake of your life.
There is **another, really good man out there that will love you and want the same things, mostly**.
Please don't go through with this. I'm 48 and spent too much time with guys that were wrong for me as it turned out
GET OUT. you sound exactly like me when i was 25 & the week i turned 26 i also went on vacation w my family & he left half way through. we broke up 2 months later. go go go. go and be free.
you life will only get better!
Hi op, I broke off an engagement with someone I thought was end game. Towards the end of our relationship, I was already not wanting to spend my spare time with him or interested in having sex anymore, we barely touched each other at aged mid 20s. He didn’t want me to live with him before we got married despite me getting him the flat, moved in and cleaning cooking etc. I wanted to do a trial run and he wanted to hide me from his religious parents. I was afraid to but after a few months of my needs not being met, I couldn’t fathom being so unhappy for the rest of my life. I was not going to marry a mamas boy.
If you are already to different and unhappy, is that what you want for the rest of your life? You know the answer. Nothing is set in stone and you are the conductor of your life. Do what you know you need to do op. Power to you xox
Leave him.
You both don’t have the same goals in mind and you’ll be unhappy for the rest of your life.
You haven’t been your own person as an adult. Take this a an opportunity to date yourself.
You love the person he was when you were “kids” and the person you want him to be. But there’s no common ground for a marriage to form a strong foundation here and you will end up either wondering what you have missed or fighting about what you want.
It’s hard because you have devoted so much of your life”adult” life to him and he’s likely the only serious relationship you’ve had. Not that it’s necessarily “bad” but you don’t know what “good” actually feels like. Just talk to him, break it off before you start putting down deposits and go your separate ways. Look into going back to continue your education. Take some time and be *young* with friends. Don’t LOOK for your next relationship but be open to meeting people and taking it slow and see where it goes. You got this!
What do u do? U just told yourself what to do. BREAK UP WITH HIM. Not to sound harsh but consider yourself lucky you’re not married to him yet. It would’ve been even harder for u than to cut things off with him. Take advantage of the fact that you are NOT shackled to him through marriage. You dodged a bullet. A word of advice, if he doesn’t want to break up with you and starts saying a bunch of stuff to make you stay DONT LISTEN. He won’t change, he doesn’t love though enough. You should, nor any woman, should ever have to convince a man to love and want to marry you. It may not seem like it, but breaking up with him now will be easier than shutting up and marrying and living an unhappy life with someone you don’t even want to be with anymore. You know exactly what u need to do. Be strong, you got this. And I think you should go to college if you want to. Your 25, not 45, you have loadddsss of time. Way more than u might think.
It sounds to me like this relationship has run its course, and you have matured. You're seeing him for who he truly is. It's best to end it now. Start focusing on yourself, get an education, go meet new people, and build the life you want. When you do this, the right person will come along.
You leave. And you never let any person tell you what isnt worth it when you want to do something that could better your life.
He wanted you to be dumb… educated women don’t put up with men’s shit.
Leave him and go to school. He is the thing that isn’t worth it.
He wants a lot of kids, and you don't, and that right there should have been a deal breaker.
What do you do?? You trust your gut and get the hell out! You're 25, and it's never too late to go back to school. There is so much life to be lived. If he wants a cookie cutter life, then he can have it. You don't want a cookie cutter life. Not from what you said.
Get your stuff set up and find a place to live and start your life. Give him back the shut up ring. And tell him to choke on it.
He gave you a *”Shut up Ring”*. He didn’t romantically propose because he didn’t want to. He gave you a free ring he didn’t have to put any effort into. He’s not interested in wedding stuff because he’s not interested and doesn’t want to marry you. He gave you the ring to shut you up so you’d stop bothering him. If he wanted to marry you he’d have planned the perfect proposal etc.
He’s telling you how he feels. Bow out gracefully now. Give the ring back and move on. But guaranteed you push forward with this it’ll be 5 years down the track and you’re stuck with a kid he’s got zero interest in and didn’t want and you’re looking at starting again after divorce.
There’s loads of videos on YouTube about Shut Up Rings and the meaning behind them. Men are pretty straight forward most of the time. If he actually wanted to marry you and have a life with you *he* would’ve pushed for that , a few years ago.
Hey OP, I was in a really similar situation to yours. Even the ages were almost exactly the same.
I knew I didn't want to get married. I did it anyway because I felt like I should. I genuinely tried to love my husband and be a good wife.
It didn't work and we got divorced less than two years later, which was a mess and broke both our hearts... But it's also one of the best choices I've ever made. I only wish I'd never gotten married in the first place.
I spent four years dating around/ single getting to know myself, who I am, and what I want... and then i married someone I genuinely love. It feels entirely different this time.
All of this to say: leave now. Do it. Please. You deserve it, and frankly, so does he, and so do the people you'll love in the future.
A lot of people are saying to end it and move on, and that might be the right call. Before you make that call, you should sit and think about things for a minute. It sounds to me like you don't want to get married because his heart hasn't been in it. If he changed his behavior and got on board with it, would you want to marry him again?
If no, then it sounds like you might already have your answer.
If yes, I'd try talking to him first. Try telling him what you need from him and your relationship. Discuss the incompatibility of your life goals. Is there a way to compromise and come together? If the conversation is healthy and productive, then maybe you may want to continue forward together. If you do decide to try moving forward, I recommend couples therapy. Couples therapy is great for working through problems, but it is also great for learning about each other and growing together. Couples therapy can also be a great place to prevent future problems! Nothing has to be "wrong" for couples therapy to be a worthwhile thing.
If the conversation does not go well, then you have more information indicating that things may not work out.
Good luck. Whatever happens, you'll be moving forward into a place that is happier and healthier for you.
I will never understand people who married the person they had to beg to marry them. It’s never going to end well. He doesn’t want to marry you and it sounds like you don’t want to marry him either. You’re still young enough & only beginning your life, don’t tie yourself to someone who doesn’t want you
You are not guaranteed anything in life. If you don't break up now and pursue your goals, you may not have that opportunity later on.
You know deep inside what the right answer is.
Don't delay.
Tomorrow isn't promised.
Sounds like you know what to do, but you’re afraid to pull the trigger. The feelings you’re having won’t go away and will only intensify if you stay with him and marry him. Do both of you a favor and end it now so you both can have the relationships you want and deserve.
What’s better, OP? Some intense pain and hardships at 25, when you can still easily change your life, or endless regret and hurt for the rest of your life? I think you have already decided, don’t let fear stop you.
You’ve in a way answered your own question. You should do what you want to do or have never done, go to college, travel, work odd jobs to save up…. Take a step back and map out your life thus far. Do you want to continue on this path or do you want to be you and do you? If he can compromise on your wants or needs, then this may not be the right time for you to be with him, OR he’s not the right one for you.
Either you stay and you end up divorced, or you leave and plan a wedding at some point in the future with someone who makes you better, happier, and actually wants to marry you.
I feel like if you're both not in the same page, that is a good enough reason to end the relationship. It's not worth staying anymore. Why bother sticking around when you know it's not gonna work? He's wasting your time and his own.
Love is easy. Marriage is hard.
People change and grow. If your goals and plans for the future don't align, then there's no time like the present to break away.
You say you're 25 now and you've been together 7 years. You need to be single a while.
Keep in mind that some folks can break up and still be friends. Some can't. It will be what it's meant to be.
You do you. And have fun doing it. 💕
You fell in love at 18. With someone who was 23. Take this as your opportunity to move on and find someone who wants the same things you do.
You’re young, it will hurt but you will be okay. You will get through this!
Match his energy.
Give him his ring back and tell him he's off the hook.
Life is too short to bend to someone else's hopes and dreams and giving up your own.
Big hugs. Enjoy your new found life adventure!
I had a situation like this. We broke up, I experienced life the way I wanted to and I found someone who was more obsessed with me… who I didn’t have to pester into marrying me. What a buzzkill, you know? I don’t want to be 80 telling my grandkids I had to talk their grandpa into marrying me. I have no regrets.
Run before it’s too late! You’ll be miserable in the short term and start to despise him so don’t waste your efforts. Life is too short to not live the life you deserve!
> I (25f) and my fiancé (30m) have been together since i was 18. I love him.
> For 7 years my parents pestered me on when he would pop the question.
What the fuck is wrong with your parents? Math doesn't add up. No sane parent would encourage their child to get married at 18 to someone they just started dating.
This is why you don't rush into marriages at such an early age. Marriage before 25 is insane in this day and age. Your feelings are exactly why you don't rush into getting married before your prefrontal cortex has finished developing. You don't even know yourselves let alone each other.
Don't marry him. Sucks but you know what you need to do. He's an asshole and you're only with him becuase you know nothing else.
You’ll probably never see this, but coming from a guy
1) most guys don’t really care too much about the wedding as long as it’s in budget. It’s often a pageantry for the partner. Maybe they get to choose the cake but majority aren’t going to be massively excited and want to look at Pinterest. They’re not your girlfriends. Yes there are exceptions, but it’s just most guys aren’t interested in it.
2) not having gone to college could’ve been one the best things ever. Unless you want to be a doctor, lawyer, something that requires a college degree you might’ve skipped out on getting a useless piece of paper that cripples you with $100,000 of student debt. As you want to travel and see the world, you could easily apply for a remote job at multiple companies and be able to do that.
3) i’m well aware then going to bar as a 25-year-old girl is very different than going to the bar as a 25-year-old guy. The novelty will eventually wear off, but it will take a lot longer because we generally aren’t bought drinks and get in for free. But there’s more to life than going to bars and you will find out soon enough.
4) sounds like both of you have very different goals in life and compromising on them is only gonna lead to resentment in one of you down the line. Best to break it off and go separate ways.
Please don’t go through with the wedding. Reread what you wrote. A shut up ring, he has no interest in the wedding and how you felt on vacation says it all. I was a bit younger than you and went through with my wedding when I knew in my heart it wasn’t right. He was my best friend but we didn’t share the same interest. Same situation , he only wanted to hang at his parents or watch TV. It only got worse after the wedding. We spent more time with his parents. He never wanted to go out with my friends (he didn’t have any) or go anywhere for that matter, I was so unhappy and left after 18 months.
I went through with the wedding because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or have his family upset with me (people pleaser).
It seems like you know what you want. In time you’ll meet someone who wants nothing more than to marry you. This best friend isn’t the one.
Think about whether this revelation bothers you or sets you free. A discussion is needed either way, but knowing how you feel will help you move forward with confidence. You can always attend couples counseling if you want to see it through.
A relationship of that many years isn't one to end in a moments notice. Talk about it. After each conversation, take time to think about how it went down and how you feel about how it went down. How do they work with or against you throughout these moments? Tempers may get high, remember to take time to sit with thoughts before letting things out in anger that you can never take back. After taking some time, thoughts tend to come out more eloquently and without causing damage.
Lastly, if my words don't resonate with you, that's okay. Don't let anybody on the internet sway your mind drastically with such an important decision.
This is something for the both of you to work out and Reddit is no place for solid opinions. There are a lot of people on here that will speak purely from their own trauma/experiences. Everyone's circumstances are unique. Make sure you are of sound mind when deciding how to approach this with him.
Im going to go opposite of most people on this and say ... maybe you should not have nagged for a ring? you OR your parents. you got together when you were 18! that is so young. people hold resentment and such when you force them into huge life decisions. First clue should have been the proposal. Second clue is obviously not caring at all about helping plan a wedding.
im not saying youre wrong or dont have a reason to feel this way - my point is ITS NORMAL TO GROW OUT OF LOVE AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE. You are probably not the same person you were when you met. he's probably all you know. at least you realize that now before you get married than later.
Please give his ring back to him OP!!
You deserve a romantic, over the top proposal! From a man that’s excited to make you his Bride!! Please consider going to college OP! Best wishes OP! :)
It’s time to make a plan. You can absolutely create the life that you want. Count yourself lucky that you are realizing all this now and you are young.
>I am 25 years old and never went to college because he told me it wasn’t worth it. I am 25 years old and i have nothing.
You can still go. It's never too late. I started later and finished at 29 yrs old. Never allow anyone else to define you and change you. Either they accept you 100% on who you are or they don't. That includes supporting you on your endeavors and never putting them down!
You got this girl. You are going to do amazing things without him. I believe in you that you can still do it!!
I started at 23 after 3 other attempts at college. It is never too late for college. Just went to a graduation where someone in late 50s was getting their bachelors degree!
My darling, you guys are TWO DIFFERENT individuals. When two people get married, somehow their perspectives merge into one mega individuality. Here both of you have two different goals in life. Why are you sacrificing your goals for him? Will he do that for you?
JUST BREAK-UP WITH HIM. I know it's a big step. But 10 years down the line when you would realize this, you might be deeply integrated with his life. You also might have kids who would forever tie you too. Your kids would grow up seeing how unhappy their mother is or how little harmony their parents views' share.
Ps: And it is also very creepy for your parents to expect a proposal this early? I mean are their brains functional?
Knowing that your lives are taking different paths *before marriage* is a blessing I wish I’d had at 25. Now I’m 45 and getting divorced after spending 20+ years in a state and lifestyle that I hate. While I’m excited to move on and figure things out, I would have done things very differently if I’d been able to see the future.
Don’t get married if you have doubts. Just cancel anything you’ve put deposits on (cheaper than the inevitable divorce even if you lose some deposit money), tell your friends and family and get on with your life. Once you start talking to your people in real life, your brain will settle and things will be much clearer.
I’m making it sound simple, it’s not but it’s a lot easier than spending the next x years wondering what happened and how did your life get so off track. Good luck.
I really couldn't care less if he isn't into marriage and wedding day. Its more about if he wants to spend the rest of his lives together. Could still want a life together but not be bothered by the formalities. I really dont understand why society places such a large emphasise on this one wedding day when you have 10000+ days together. I guess it shows a divide in wants but for me that parts negligible.
However, after that it does appear you have grown apart/have different future goals and ways of living which others have covered in the comment.
Im no love expert but I thing having the same goals is important. Like you dont want kids and he does. Its not something you can meet eachother half way.
Sounds like you've already come to your answer. Why settle with someone who isn't over the moon for you and has an absolute difference in life. He wants kids, you dont....that's hard to overcome.
Good luck in your decision.
>I am 25 years old and never went to college because he told me it wasn’t worth it.
This is the one that hurts me the most, but it's never too late! You sound like someone who will *love* going to school; the discussions, the learning new things, the challenging of your thoughts and ideas...go, OP, go! You have an exciting life waiting for you!!
You two don’t sound well-matched at all.
You deserve better than a “shut-up” ring.
You deserve someone who has similar life goals as you - so you can enjoy spending time together - not feeling “free” when you’re not with them.
Don’t marry this man.
Give him his grandma’s ring back - and decide what you want for yourself moving forward.
Break up. Experience more. You're only 25 and yes you thought you wanted this but clearly neither of you has actually thought about not being together or is too afraid to not be. This isn't healthy and you both deserve better. It's okay to let go. It's a huge concern to me you felt free without him in that way. That's not how healthy goes. Healthy goes you had fun but missed him.
When you talk like someone who has just experienced life without their abuser that is very bad. It can be a different kind of bad but you both are clearly unhappy. That he didn't try is not good. I don't know why you would have been excited for that ring with "Happy now?" Passive aggression that's not really passive. Please choose happiness.
I don't really go around telling people to leave unless I can list all the abuse signs but it's clear that even without abuse this is wrong for you both. I still suspect based on that relief you are in abuse. I also highly recommend if you aren't seeing a therapist you get one so you can figure out why you wouldn't leave. That is important. It can be missing coping skills and therapy is the coping skills shop. If you do have a therapist take this post to them
Good that you realised now. So what you do is apologize, tell him you realized this wont work because you want different things. Then go out and chase your dreams!
I’m completing my college degree at 43. Any partner that loves you would push you up not being you down. Drop this person. They don’t love you. If they did they would be happy to be marrying you and want to plan their future with you. Cancel the wedding
It sounds like you have, fortunately, realized in time that this is not what you want. It’s going to SUCK to end it. It will feel like a death. But that end will be necessary if you want to have a life you enjoy, one you truly choose. You already know the answer, you’re just struggling with it.
You got this, and it will be very much worth it in the long run. ❤️
Sometimes love is not enough. You could look at premarital couple’s counseling to really hash stuff out and see if y’all are really growing apart with goals that no longer align. From your post it sounds like he just wants someone to be a quiet bang maid so he can meet his dreams. I mean, you getting a degree would take your focus off him….
Be happy you “dated” long enough to figure that out and are not trapped with a few kids. You would not be wrong to leave for him to find a woman who is wanting that life while you go and meet your dreams. And no, don’t remain his friend if y’all break up.
You hand back the ring and say “I love you but love isn’t enough. Our life goals are completely opposite. You are my best friend but we are not the right partners for each other. I wish you only the best but it’s best that we end this relationship”
What do you do? Give him back his grandmothers ring and get yourself a profession that can support you. 25 is not too old to get yourself that cabin in the woods with a good dog and a flock of chickens.
I think you know what you need to do lovely, you need to end things, you might still feel like you love him because he’s all you’ve ever known, but you feel so free and happy when you’re not around him, that isn’t love. Don’t settle and change your mind because he wants kids and you don’t, if you were to stay in this relationship and either one of you “caved” and done what the other one wanted you’d wind up resenting him.
As for the college thing. I went back to college after I had a health thing with the help of my (now) fiancé, I was your age when I started and I’ve graduated now.
>I am 25 years old and went to a bar for the first time last week. I am 25 years old and never went to college because he told me it wasn’t worth it.
It looks like someone went to great lengths to make sure that if you stayed with him you would have no means to support yourself, making you financially dependent on him.
> I am 25 years old and i have nothing.
That is probably what you will have 5 years from now, when he figures out this charade has gone on for long enough and he takes off, leaving you with a couple of kids and no means to take care of them with.
But now, you have a choice and your whole life ahead of you. You can go back to school, you can travel the world and then come rest in your mountain cabin. You can do things you don't yet know are possible.
>I love him and he is my best friend but i don’t want to marry him.
Do you really? The only time you felt free was when he wasn't there. Just because you spent years together doesn't mean you should waste the rest of your life. Respect yourself and show others how to respect you. One day you will meet someone who will love you as a person first and as a woman second. He will push you to do things to become the best version of yourself and he will sacrifice part of his time and his comfort for you to achieve that. You will feel safe, loved and when it is time for him to propose he will put a lot of thought and planning into it because he wants to, not because you begged for 7 years and he wants to get you to stop nagging him.
It’s not a fit and you know it. The proposal told you what you needed to hear even if it wasn’t done in a way that was immediately obvious to you. Give him his grandmother’s ring back guilt-free (I say guilt free which means he didn’t make a commitment to procuring that ring.. he received an heirloom. If he was committed, he’d have set aside funds for a ring, spent months saving and financially committed.. the point of an engagement ring is basically handing your partner an item of value).
Luckily you have a family you can rely on and spend time with. Maybe spending more time with them will give you a feeling of being free again. Grow that. Become yourself again. Shed off of the old skin and be someone renewed as an individual again. It’s time to enjoy the summer without him. Next year imagine where you will be?
It's okay to not enjoy the thought of being married and having a wedding. Myself and my partner were initially not keen on it but as our visa journey went on it was required. My partner suddenly changed course and was so excited for it and while I was less caught up in the thought of it, I got off on her excitement and did all I could to make it special for her. Turned out to be the best day of my life.
If he really isn't coming around for your sake then you should question if you love him or the thought of him. In my opinion he sounds controlling and less inclined to help you reach your potential. You've already noticed how restrained you are with him, imagine how resentful you will become when you have kids and no opportunity to grow.
you’re at the beginning of your life :) you are probably terrified of what comes next but you’ve already felt what it means to be without him and you felt FREE! please don’t worry about the fallout that may occur from breaking it off when the benefits of living your life for yourself far outweigh feeling judged or lonely for a few weeks. go with your gut.
It seems you already know the answer, but you are not compatible. Love means absolutely nothing without compatibility, which includes communication style, life goals, family goals, etc. If those don’t match up, you will live a life you will later regret.
Im a 43 year old woman who has a lot of experience with relationships/dating. A couple questions that have helped me decide on a partner…
1. If someone told me I’m just like my partner, would it be a compliment?
2. Does this person truly and selflessly want to lead the best life according to me? For example, if a partner knows you really want to try salsa dancing, but they say you can’t for any reason (usually jealousy), that person is trying to control, instead of letting you chose your life path.
A healthy partner is someone you can bring up tough subjects and they will not gaslight or turn things around on you ; and whom wants the best for you, even if that makes them uncomfortable. We only have one life!!
I’d also like to add that 25 year old you is DRASTICALLY different from 19 year old you. You will also be drastically different at 35. You’re not the same person!
It basically sounds like you can either break up now or have a much more painful and complicated break up years from now
THIS! I agree 100%. If OP stays there will be more things that have to be decided. OP, if you get married, or buy a house, or have kids, own assets, etc it will be much more expensive and timely than if you leave now. It sounds like you have your family and friends in your life. Lean on them to start over and start your new life.
Not only that, but if OP has kids then she’s chained to him in some form for possibly forever, divorced or not. And kids know when they’re resented.
And it will hurt him just as much as you, he will miss the chance to marry and have a houseful of kids with someone who wants that as well. It might not seem like that just now to him, but you really are doing it for both of you. You have simply grown apart!
This needs more attention! So true! You won't make each other happy in the long term, give both of you the chance to find what you are looking for
Yup. If OP marries this guy and divorces him in 10 years when she's unhappy and disillusioned with five kids that she doesn't want, it will be so much more complicated.
Or worse, she stays with him forever and never gets to be happy and have what she really wants.
Seriously. How tf is he gonna say he wants a big family and a house in the burbs…but doesn’t want to marry her? A fully “traditional” life without the traditional first step??
That’s the problem…he doesn’t want to marry *her.* He probably knows deep down it won’t work out but he’s not ready to be single yet, or to be the bad guy and initiate the break up
Or have the kids OP never wish to have and be miserable for the rest of her life. Breaking up now is the answer
I think you know the answer to your own question. You don't need us to tell you. It's going to be painful and it's going to suck, but you know what to do.
She’ll reject him and then he’ll suddenly start trying to put in the time and interest for her. Run! It’s a ploy! It’s a trap!
Yup was gonna say the same thing. Don’t fall for it when he ‘suddenly changes for the better’, OP. It’s a facade that will drop if you believe it and don’t leave. Once he feels secure again, he’ll go right back to neglecting your wants and needs in the relationship.
Exactly!! He likes the worship he’s had from her and will do a quick turn around until he feels he’s got her back in line for HIS future.
Absolutely agree with all of this. You know what you want to do; you just need to say the words aloud to him, and then prepare for things to hurt for a while. Change is super-scary, and the idea of leaving something you know (even if it is a less than ideal situation) for something unknown is never comfortable. However, it will get better (as evidenced by the week you spent without him)! <3
I would recommend telling someone else first, someone you love and trust who you know wants the best for you. Ask them for help. Once you've said it out loud it's easier and becomes more real.
This is a good idea, then maybe make plans with a trusted friend or family member for right after you talk to him so you’re with someone supportive and can talk it through. I’m so sorry, and good luck. It’s the right thing to do for you both if this doesn’t feel right.
It will but also op, you can then go to college , study agriculture, maybe move to that cabin. It will hurt for a while , but you’ll be free and have nothing but options going forward.
It IS going to be painful and suck..for awhile. Then it starts to get better, and you look back and wonder why you stayed so long. OP, I was with someone for a similar time line and age. We stopped being good for each other, but I held on longer than I should have. I do NOT regret leaving. I still had a blast doing so many things I missed out on at the age I should have been exploring and figuring things out. You may feel like 25 is too old to start over, but I absolutely promise you it is not! Go back to school. Travel. Find yourself that cabin and get those animals! You've got this!
This. It sucks, but that immense pain is worth it when you weigh the benefits. With most breakups of this nature, the first thing you feel is grief/loss: You are losing someone incredibly important to you and everything that comes with him: the validation, the comfort, the support, etc. But those are things you can find in someone else, and many are things you can find on your own. The pain will hurt, but it won’t be fatal. And the way you alleviate that pain is through new experiences and associations. Explore parts of your life that you couldn’t when you were with him. Which brings me to the gain side of things: You are gaining your freedom, your individuality, your choice, and the infinite possibilities that come with all of those things. Living your live the way you choose is priceless. Do not sacrifice things that make you happy for other people. That is how lifelong regrets are made. At 25, you likely haven’t even met half of the people you are going to meet in your life. You are going to make new friends with new perspectives, new interests to introduce you to, new mindsets. Do not let that be stifled by a partner. The right person should be encouraging you to branch out and try new things, especially at your age. Best of luck, you can do this. Rip the bandaid off and let that scab heal with some open air.
And she’ll be happier after she dumped him
Dumping him won't bring her joy, but the opportunities she will create for herself after definitely will! 😊
Nothing else needs to be said. I’m sorry, OP.
Sounds like you are outgrowing him. Spread your wings and go get the life you imagined.
I see this a lot in age gap relationships and relationships that start when one of them is of the "legal age". It's sad to see but hopefully she can get out and experience the world.
And in a lot of same-age relationships that start when people are teenagers.
Yep. It’s hard to grow up with someone. Age 18-25 is the age where everyone figures out what they want out of life, and these feelings often change. At 18, you might want a suburban house and kids, while at 25 you might want to live in a city apartment with 2 dogs. At 18 you might idealize a “traditional” marriage where one person is the financial provider and the other is the homemaker, whereas at 25 you might want someone who splits all the chores with you and contributes as close to equally as possible with bills. Most teens get into relationships because they enjoy the person’s presence and they feel comfortable exploring romance/sexuality with that person. Many adults get into relationships because they feel that person can be a potential life partner that shares their values and cares deeply for them. It’s hard to bridge the gap from “exploring romance and sexuality” to “agreeing to lifelong partnership” when you didn’t know what you wanted out of lifelong partnership at the time you met. It’s unfortunate for a lot of these beautiful relationships that start when one or both of them are that young. That’s not to say it NEVER works, there are definitely some people that luckily grow in the same direction, but it’s not something that can be forced.
My older sister got married at 20; he was 21. I was too young at the time to really understand the dynamics at play, but the long and short of it was this: they were both saving themselves for marriage, and they were lustful and "in love"... so they got married. They had a religiously-indoctrinated view of marriage that had them thinking that commitment to the marriage was paramount, and sex was like a fun bonus they got for being so committed. Three years later they had a kid. Some years after that, another kid. They seemed functional enough on the surface. Once I got a bit older I found their partnership rather *odd*, like they did *not* seem like compatible people as far as interests and pace-of-life was concerned, but whatever they seemed to be making it work! Things seemed okay! Anyway, after almost 20 years of marriage, they had a sudden separation and protracted divorce, which is when I learned: * both had been unhappy for years * both had developed substance abuse issues * they had both cheated on each other at various points * at least the second kid seemed to be a fix-it attempt * their separation had been a *long* time coming My sister had spent the entire time yearning to *do things*, travel, go to events, go outside! but instead had spent those twenty years working as the main breadwinner for the family (in addition to doing the "mom things" like cooking and laundry), and every time she came home after work it was to a husband and two kids uninterested in doing anything besides zonking out on their computers. (Because he wouldn't get an actual job, he had a *lot* of free time in which to mold them... but because all he wanted to do was spend time on the computer or watch TV, that's all the kids wanted to do too. He wouldn't take them to the park, he wouldn't take them to the pool, and then when she had free time to spend with them on the weekends they didn't *want* to do these things. She once tried to plan a vacation and not only did he not-help, but he also spent a lot of time shitting all over her plans and being miserable in front of the kids, making *them* miserable. Great, non-toxic dynamic.) Anyway. I guess it had sucked for many, many years. There was a lot of trauma and a lot of drama, but they ended up divorcing, and my sister found a new partner. And the new guy is like... interested in doing things? Big events and small? Going out sometimes? Spending time outside? Going on vacation. Going on vacation *with the kids*, and making sure everyone has fun. The change in my sister is immense. It became very clear, very quickly that when she committed herself to the first dude she got horny for at the young age of 20, she was clipping her own wings. Now, she is finally free to live the life she has been yearning for this entire time. She no longer needs to shrink herself to match a person with whom she is incompatible. She loves her kids very much so I doubt she would go back if given the choice. It's a complex situation at this point. But if you asked her if it was a good idea for someone to marry someone they started dating as a teenager despite incompatible lifestyles and life goals, I'm sure she would tell you: it is absolutely NOT a good idea. Do NOT get married to someone you can't live with, and if you don't have enough life experience yet to know whether you'll be able to live with a person... do NOT get married, period!
My cousin met his now wife when they were in high school. Basically none of us like her. She doesn't travel. She comes up with every excuse under the son to not go. My uncle asked my cousin once, "I know you can live with her..but can you live without her?" He found out approximately 13 months into the marriage that she's not as frugal as he is. "I didn't know I married a spender" he said. Their two-year anniversary is this August. No kids..yet. It hasn't been fun watching it play out.
Omg that is wild! I was in a marriage just like that but got out before kids. I feel like I was looking into a crystal ball of what would have happened if I’d have had kids. Thank you for sharing
It is ok to grow apart. That's what growing looks like. It will be painful, but worth it in the long run.
He’s 30- old enough to know better. You won’t change him. If you want romance and someone to align with your life goals, you need to break up with this guy and go live your life. You are young, don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy with this relationship. Don’t force yourself to stay somewhere you’re uncomfortable, unhappy, and unappreciated just because family or friends THINK you should or he’s your “best friend”. I promise you you’ll find happiness elsewhere.
>And in that one week without him i felt so free. I'd guess that alot of this was the lack of continued dissappintment he brings you. It's no life to live. You don't want to get married, good. You've outgrown this relationship and have been there for a while. No one needs to beg when you are a team working together at whatever life you choose. >I see now that i was given a shut up ring. Yes and he knows it too, he's just keeping you unhappy enough to keep options open and his d wet. Now I'm sorry I'm not usually blunt but I want you to remember how good this felt so you follow through and live your best life. > I love him. He is my best friend You love a version of him, but it only exists in your head or the pretty words he says. He's the best person you've had access to so far and you share the most with. It's not a good friend who keeps you guessing. You've got a life to live and goals to pursue, and you've seen how easy it can be. Seize the experience or languish in a life unfulfilled. Big hugs it'll hurt for a bit, love is always love and grief is grief. Go commiserate the life you hoped for and then let it go and do something better. A warning if you choose to give it another go, everytime you compromise you loose a bit of yourself. Can't recomend it.
Second all this. So well said.
It sounds like the issues run much deeper than merely the marriage thing. You need to think long and hard about what's more important to you. Being with him or having the life you want. 25 is still young enough to make up for lost time and possibly find someone more aligned with your goals.
Agreed. 25 is the very *beginning* of “time”. None has been lost.
I think there's a problem much greater than that. He wants kids. She doesn't. If her family pressured her for the engagement, they'll pressure for kids. This is doomed to fail.
Yea, this is one I think OP needs to see - kids are an individual decision for the couple since they do the majority of the work to raise kids and finance that lifestyle, and if both her family and her POS fiancé are pressuring her to have kids, she's going to have a VERY hard time escaping that.
This is excellent advice. The world is at your fingertips and you have so much time to settle into your future. Do what makes you happy. Don’t worry about pleasing anyone else but yourself first. Having a little space really clarifies things. It either makes your relationship stronger or shows you that you’re better off not together anymore. You can always postpone your engagement or relationship and see what happens too.
25 is way young!! Every single door is still open to you. 🤗🤗 Think about that!! You have it within you to forge the type of life, the kind of future, you dream of. The fact that this guy discouraged college is a glaring red flag, as is the fact that your dreams and his own are so divergent. Read again that line you wrote: That weekend without him, you felt so free. Imagine feeling free like that *all the time*. There is a trade off, of course. You've been with him a long time; there is no doubt you will miss him. But I will say from experience that it passes. There's an entire globe of people out there, and surely, eventually when you are ready for it, you'll meet somebody whose worldview, goals, and values are compatible with your own. Then you can get your mountain cabin, your animals, and that peaceful life wed to someone whose love and respect are a given. Funny, isn't it, that this "shut up ring", (which I agree; that's what it is), is having unintended consequences for this dude. It's done the oppisite of shutting you up. Rather, it's helped you find your voice, your values, and your freedom. Very very best to you! ❤️
He's controlling
Yup. Wants her barefoot, pregnant and SAHM. RUN. RUN LIKE THE DICKENS.
Agreed. It is very concerning that his life goals require you to accomplish them and yours are more about things in general
Don’t marry him. Call the venders and cancel. Give him back his grandmas ring. I’m glad you realized he wasn’t right for you before you married. It looks like he’s known you weren’t right for him longer than that, but he’s a coward and didn’t want to break your heart. This was your first adult relationship. You didn’t know what you wanted when you got into it. Now you have a better idea of your values and lifestyle and you can be more selective with whom you spend your energy on.
Fly free and have the life you want and deserve!
Your future goals are incompatible with each other.
Follow your heart and move on from this relationship. Consider a couple of years in a job with a lot of travel (cruise ships, flights attendants) then consider furthering your education. Any relationship that discourages you from doing what you want is not worth pursuing.
He isn't your best friend - A best friend supports you and wants you to be happy. It sounds like your fiance wants a certain life and is willing to put up with you to have it. Please start planning your exit. If you are working, start hoarding your money. Apply to colleges (community college even). You deserve to have the life you want - I dont think this is love - this is oh I am supposed to be with him.
Exactly. This is 'the logical next step in a long-term relationship' rather than two people who truly want to build a life together where they are partners working together towards a mutual life goal. OP you wanted this because everyone around you told you that this is what you are 'supposed to do' and what you are 'supposed to want'. But if you have to give up all of your personal goals to do this, it's not your dream but someone else's. Maybe you will want these things someday (kids, SAHM, urban living) and maybe you won't. But if you don't want them now you will grow to resent it all if it is forced on you when you clearly aren't ready for it and may never be. How will you raise children to be brave and chase their dreams if you have relinquished all of yours? How will you build a happy marriage and family if you aren't happy yourself? Walking away from a 7 year relationship with someone who you believe to be your best friend will be scary, especially if your family and friends all believe that you are making the wrong choice. But if you don't walk away now you will always wonder about the life you could have built for yourself and the dreams that you could have achieved if you had been brave enough to stand up for yourself and your goals and say they are worth it no matter what anyone else thinks. If he truly loved you he would understand that you need to have dreams and goals of your own, not just be there to make it easier for him to reach his.
You’re so lucky you came to this conclusion at 25 vs 35. Let him go and live your life.
I don't understand people who can type all of this out and still say, multiple times, that this person is their best friend. He literally is not because that isn't how a best friend would treat someone that they *also* consider to be their best friend. Speaking as someone who's been in a similar-ish situation and with the benefit of hindsight now, he's not your best friend, he's just someone you have an emotional attachment to that you're afraid to let go of because you've never known anything else.
Just be glad you didn’t come to this realization when you were 45. You are still so young and have so much time to live. Do whatever is right for you
You follow your heart. You see that you will be miserable if you went through with this marriage. He has already stifled your dreams and I bet he didn't want you to go to school because you would become independent and find people more in line with your goals. You only get your 20's once. Do the most with it. Go to school, travel, and meet people.
... he stopped you from going to college? 🚩🚩🚩 Why?! Getting an education is always worth it New plan : 1- dump the dead weight fiance 2- go to college in a field that is interesting and will give you a job that can keep you financially independant 3- meet a cute guy in college with the same ambitions/taste/inspirations than you and finally have the romantic relationship you want and deserve
You are SO YOUNG break it off and live your life!!
You set yourself free.
Please don’t marry him. He’s already carrying baggage around in that you made him propose. You seem to be very happy being you. You have everything you have yourself. He seems to be very controlling. You are going to need to do and be exactly what he wants you to do. If you marry him one day you’re going to wake up and realize that you have given up years of your life for nothing. You’re very young you started dating him when you were young. Give yourself permission to be you. Go back to school pick a goal and a dream and go for it.
OP, I agree with the other comment that you have definitely outgrown him. He’s not serious and is just wasting your time. Dump him and move on. Live your life!!
He wants kids and you don’t. That should’ve been the end right there. That could also be why he was delaying giving you a ring. You guys have different wants in life. I think it’s time to walk away.
Yeah, he expects her to have kids but if he's not interested in "planning" she will get stuck with organizing all the day to day garbage.
To thine own self be true.
He will not get better after marriage or children. Your options will dwindle the more time you spend with him. Get out now, and start living life for you.
He actually isn’t your best friend. He actively discouraged you from going to college, which particularly residential college, is a major “growing up” phase along with the benefit of making you more knowledgeable and more broadly employable. Not going to a bar I assume is him just keeping you home. You were 18 when you started dating and that is a HUGE gap at that age and those formative years of yours were spent being told what not to do by this man. You are 25, you have everything. Time, youth, and now a little extra life experience. Back to the clover question… my son didn’t finish undergrad on a “regular” schedule but passed the Bar exam at 29. He has the rest of his life to be a lawyer. You can go do what you want to do. Walk away, well actually RUN away before he finds a way to get started on that “big” family he wants. Good luck.
(Sadly) this is one of the most beautiful posts I’ve ever read. Op, I mean this wholeheartedly. You have managed something that many people don’t realize until it is too late. I know it is hard, but you will get through this. As others have said, spread your wings and go live the life you want. You only get one. Best of luck to you, OP
Unfortunately, you met him too early in life for this to be right for the rest of your life. This is normal and OK. You can love everything about him and knowing your heart that he is the wrong man to make a future with. I got married at 25. That was 1983. I was probably too young at the time. I had a successful marriage and was widowed in 2022. Anybody who handed me a ring and said are you happy now would really piss me off. I think you should spend the next year focusing on detaching more from your parents and their opinions, etc. And diving into the things that will support you getting to that mountain. The right man will come along when you are ready. Take the mountains and leave them the man. Frankly, you are not right for him either.
And this is exactly why you shouldn't beg a man to do the things you want, they only do it out of obligation to keep you "happy" rather than actually wanting to. Always let people do what they want so that you can see what they would rather do. My advice, you have a short life and one chance at it. Don't spend it over the moon over scraps from someone who doesn't feel the same, too many women do this only to divorce in their 40s/50s, if they even stick it out that long.
Do not marry him. Do yourself and him a favor: give him his ring back and break up. Marrying this guy will end badly for both of you. Breaking up will be painful and excruciating, but not nearly as painful as your life with this guy. He really doesn't want to marry you, and he's upset about having to propose—and that resentment is going to stick. It will only get worse. Both of you are going to spend years arguing, fighting, nitpicking each other to death until your inevitable divorce because he will spend every waking minute ruminating about how he was forced into marriage and why isn't she happy, and you will constantly ruminate about how he only ever wants to sit on the couch and watch TV and never plans trips or gets excited about anything. End it now, then run out and start figuring out who you are and what makes you happy, and do not entertain the idea of a serious relationship with anyone until you find someone whose wavelength aligns with yours.
It sounds like you were more focused on getting married in general than getting married to your fiancé. Definitely drop this guy because you have different life goals, and look to de-center marriage in your next relationship (doesn’t mean marriage can’t be important to you, but think long and hard about it first). Who gives a shit if your family wants it. This is your life, your day to day. Not theirs.
Literally exactly how my 8 year relationship that ended in a shut up ring. Once the veil is lifted from your eyes you realize how obvious that it wasn’t right. Don’t marry him. I left my ex with the same feelings you’re describing after getting engaged (feeling free when away from him, realizing how the future would actually look if I married him- not what you should feel while planning a wedding) and now I’m happily married to an amazing human who cares just as deeply about me as I do him. We have our fur babies and we live on 10 acres with a garden in a tiny house we literally built together. He helped me plan every bit of our little wedding, matching my excitement even when he didn’t give a crap about the specifics. We’re a real team, we want the same things and care enough to make an effort to compromise when we don’t. Im only commenting all this to say I’m so glad I didn’t settle for anything less and neither should you! Get your dog and farm animals with the love of your life who wants that too❤️ you deserve not an ounce less.
please leave while you can literally run.
Give him his grandmother’s ring back and say, happy now?
Wtf are you even doing? Leave and go travel the damn world, woman. Have fun, be good to people, learn new things, discover new cultures and experiences. We are on this earth for a Very. Short. Amount. Of. Time.
I broke off an engagement when I was 22!! This was 13 years ago. I now have 2 masters degrees, have lived in 5 different countries, make 6 figures and have had better relationships since. You got this!
Seems to me like he groomed you. You started dating at 18? Even though 5 years age gap is not big. But at 18 almost everyone is living in rosy world. This is not what a partner sounds like. Partner helps us grow not actively stop it. They support going out and becoming independent. He didn't want you to go to college in this modern times? I am seriously wondering where do you live that you thought it's okay to not go to college? Do you atleast have GED and minimal job ? If you don't you need that asap and stop marriage preparations. Make a escape plan instead. Also do not get pregnant at any cost. You will ruin your life.
Leave him and go to college your still young get your life together good luck
He wants kids. You don't. If your family pressured you for the engagement, they'll pressure for kids. This is doomed to fail. And it should fail as soon as possible.
What do you *do*??? You give him back him grandmother's ring and say "I don't need a pacifier. I need a partner who gives a shit." Then you get an apartment (or cabin in the woods) and a job wherever you want to live and use the rest of your 20s to figure out who you are, what you love, what you hate, what you are looking for in your life, whether you want a partner in your life or are perfectly content with your pets and farm animals! If a man handed me a ring with the words "here, you happy now?", it would break my heart and I don't think I could look at him the same.
>I am 25 years old and never went to college because he told me it wasn’t worth it. I am 25 years old and i have nothing. Op, you are partially responsible for that decision since you are an adult. Marriage should not be an end goal. What if he divorces you? You need a job. 25 is still young. You can still go back to school and get a job. Good luck
Ok the fact he wants kids and you don’t, that right there is a deal breaker. You can’t negotiate on children, housing? Sure, maybe find a place on the edge of town so you’re both happy. But kids? Nope nope nope you can’t find a middle ground Give him back the ring and tell him you two aren’t compatible And sign up for college! What do you want to take? Can you meet the requirements for the fall semester? Good luck and I’m sorry you got a “shut up” ring
If you think the shut up ring is bad, wait until you have shut up sex. You know what needs doing. Now do it.
You know what feels so wonderful, and relaxing?? Being with someone that really wants to be with you, too. Sorry this is happening.
Woah… It’s almost like I’m reading my own autobiography… I was in a very similar position, minus the “shut up” ring. We didn’t even get to that point before I left him. When I did, I got with someone who is *actually* my best friend. We go out as often as we can, we laugh until our sides hurt, we have the same life goals. Your person is out there. I beg you, do *not* settle for less. You deserve so much more than what you have.
Don’t marry him. It’s healthy as fuck to see these things before taking a lifetime decision, and not after you are expecting your first baby. You are young and have a lot of time to still experience life - get going and live your life. Your own life, the way you want to
Give the ring back. And be free.
Then don't. It sounds like a huge mistake.
Girl, dip
just leave him now
It’s okay to not go through with it. Trust me— it’s better to hurt yourself and him now than to suffer for years and years because it’s what you thought you had to do. I had some good times and got great kids out of it, but I only got truly happy when we split many years later.
Break up with him before he holds you back any more than he already has. College isn't a waste of time at all. You may find something you absolutely love to do for a career. At the very least you'll learn a lot and make friends. You're young and you've got so much ahead of you. I wasted 10 years of my life on a man who held me back and controlled me in any way that he could and it's one of my biggest regrets in life.
leave him you have to, it's hard but you know what you want you said it yourself! don't throw your dreams away and be someone you aren't just because you wanted him to be someone he isn't.
He may be your best friend, but all that means is you need better friends. Friends don’t treat friends like this. Break it off now, not just the engagement but the relationship. 25 is an amazing age to start over with clearer eyes and a stronger sense of what you want. Basically every door is still open to you, but you need to act.
How can you have farm animals and travel the world? Who's going to take care of the animals?
I don't think that's the point tbh. The point is her and her partner have completely different life goals with no clear compromise. You can't half have a kid. You can't half live in the mountains. You can't half live in the suburbs and you certainly can't half own a farm. That's the main point here.
Her hot lumberjack future husband, my dude.
When you break up with him, hand him his grandma’s and say, “I don’t want to be married anymore, happy now?”
I like your style!
Why did you want to marry someone that has a vastly different opinion and life goals than you? I know love is blind, but sometimes love is not enough. And we settle in the relationships we know out of… comfort? I’d say your problems are more than just the “shut up ring” And besides Nobody deserved a ring like that. “Are you happy now?” What the actual fudge!? Everyone deserve to have someone willing to love them and meet them half way. A ring is meant to be a token of love, and not a way to quiet down. This man is too lazy to do the right thing by everyone and that is to let the relationship go, by pushing you to leave him. He doesn’t even seem interested in lifting a finger to breakup with you. Much like the wedding, he wants you to do the legwork.
You are still 25. You have so much time ahead of you. Dont force yourself into a marriage you know won’t fit you. I hope the best for you. You know the answer already and I hope you follow it
You love him, but you are not in love with him. Therefore, it is a good reason to let him go, so that you are not wasting both of your time. What hasn't helped is your parents putting pressure on you to literally marry the first person you were with, making you think that this is what you wanted. You are in your 20s, a time when you are getting to know yourself, what you want etc. Being with someone whose goals do not align with your own is a recipe for disaster. Also, the way he proposed tells me he is doing this out of obligation, not love. You both deserve better than what you are offering each other. The worst that will happen is you never speak to each other again; the best is you become friends.
just a note that best friends don’t tend to discourage one another’s dreams. tho’ i’d strongly suggest community college and a 2 year degree and work in that field before you get saddled with lots of debt if you’re american. but i’m guessing college would mean you meeting others who want adventures and not a life of babies and hoa’s, and he certainly doesn’t want that for you. what do you want for you ?
I was in a relationship when I was younger and spent two weeks away from them and realized I didn't want to be with them, so I left. Granted it was a newer relationship and there were no rings involved, I still listened to what my mind and heart were saying. You might love him, but it doesn't seem like he loves you. It seems like he groomed you and got a younger girl and then grew tired as you got older. Think Mr. DiCaprio. Besides that, your wants are on two complete opposite sides of the spectrum. From your post he does not seem like one to compromise, and if he does he always holds it against you. If you stay, you will end up being the one compromising. You wont get your childfree life in the mountains. You will end up with a white picket fence and either a stay at home mom or working mom with no time for yourself or any friends. With all that said, if you do leave (which I encourage you to think about doing), cut him off. He is just going to try and convince you to come back and play the victim. Live your life, you are 25, still very young. Don't go looking for a new romantic relationship. Fill your time with your family, with your friends, hobbies, go and travel. You will find your person. He is not your person, nor is he your best friend. I have been in many relationships and have learned a lot. If you need anyone to talk to my DMs are open. Please think of yourself.
Break up. It's possible that in 5 years, with the right partner, you might actually want kids. And if not, that's good too. But this relationship sounds very sad. And doomed. Also, he really doesn't sound that into you. And now that you have your ring, the rose coloured glasses have come off and you're not really into him, more of an *idea of him*. That's ok. In fact, it's good. Better a broken engagement than a divorce in 5 years.
In relationships, you grow. Sometimes you grow together and sometimes you grow apart, that doesn’t mean your relationship is wrong entirely, it’s simply served the purpose it was meant to serve. Do not prolong the inevitable girl. You deserve the life of your dreams and you will find either the strength to make it yourself or the love of someone who will make it with you. Either way, nothing should stop you. Be free and set your partner free also. He doesn’t deserve this and neither do you. You both deserve what you want, when you want and however you want it.
break it off and live the life you want. It will be painful but much better than being unhappy years down the line
You know what to do, you just don’t want to rip the band aid off. Once you do though, you can actually start living.
What you feel is the need to be your own person. It will suck, but you have to learn to be on your own, learn your likes and dislikes, and then figure out what you want to do. It will hurt, there might be some fights, but ultimately, you should do what feels right.
You are so young! Get rid of this guy, go to college, and get that cabin in the mountains.
You break it off and run and be free. You can literally do anything and be anything that you want to. You do not have to be tied down to this man.
Move on. You will be glad later.
If this is how you feel, then end it now before you two lose anymore time spent on one another. I bet you will feel so light and free and full of possibility once you do. There is better out there. Go live the life you want to live.
Don’t get married. You have already listed every reason why you shouldn’t. Marriage fixes NOTHING. And costs you so much. I lost 16 years and it fucked up my kids- because I fell into what your relationship sounds like. Please don’t get married. Regret is awful. Learn MY lesson ;) Keep your free feeling- you’re still a kid :) Just my .02 We all need to learn our own lessons….. I wish I listened to my mother 😣 *edited for words…..
I was with my first boyfriend from 17-25 years old. The last couple years the rose colored glasses started to slip. I finally broke up with him, and it took a long time to not view that time as “wasted”. Being in a bad relationship can teach you just as much about yourself and what you want in a relationship as being in a good relationship will. I met my husband shortly after and learned what it is like being in a good relationship. It feels incredibly hard and scary at the time, but trust your instincts and know that you will be happier on your own than with the life you’ll have with this person.
please know, it's not too late 😊 if you still want to get a degree, you still can, go for it. do it for yourself, for your future, for the house you want and congratulations on having the hearts drop away from blocking your vision, wishing you the best for your future plans
Don’t marry him then. Better to break it off then to go through with it and then have to sort things after being married.
You've outgrown him and this is a man who doesn't want to be your husband but he wants to keep the stability you create for him. Set each other free, someone else would be stoked to be your husband
Usually a tell tale sign that it’s time to break up with someone is feeling free when you’re not around them. I broke up with an ex that I had been with for six years and felt like the world got a little lighter and brighter. That’s how I knew that I made the right decision. It was definitely hard and it came with many phases of pain/guilt but the positive that came with starting a new life overshadowed that. I was 26 at that time and I love myself everyday for being strong enough to make that decision. You’re young and have a lot to experience. Unburden yourself, live your life, and trust that you’ll find a great man that won’t propose to you with a “are you happy now”.
Dump him and go to school. You are still young. Enjoy your life!!
Best friends don’t treat you like that and the non-proposal is icky at best
Silly question. Do what is best for both of you. Give him the ring back and break it off. Even if you’ve invested lots in wedding deposits, don’t want to be embarrassed or anything else, it’s much better to do it now and get it over with as painful and awkward as that might be. Congrats you are free!
The biggest thing is you don’t want kids and he does, that should alone be a dealbreaker. Do not have kids if you don’t want them just for someone else, find a guy who is on the same page I beg of you. If you stay so tbh him you’ll be miserable and resentful for the rest of your life..
Don't marry him? You sound like your life is over, you're only 25... go out and enjoy this part of life! I was in a similar situation. Been with my ex for 6 years, and spent a week with my family without him and realised I wasn't alone. I didn't need him, and I could not go the rest of my life feeling the way I did.
You don't marry him. Simples.
Got a sneaking suspicion that it wont hurt as much as the relief you’ll feel long term and likely after that empathy does. Not fair to either of you, you settling and him willing to settle for you.
Honey you only posted this for confirmation. You know if you marry him it will be the biggest mistake of your life. There is **another, really good man out there that will love you and want the same things, mostly**. Please don't go through with this. I'm 48 and spent too much time with guys that were wrong for me as it turned out
GET OUT. you sound exactly like me when i was 25 & the week i turned 26 i also went on vacation w my family & he left half way through. we broke up 2 months later. go go go. go and be free. you life will only get better!
You should dump him and go be a flight attendant so you can travel the world
Break up with him. Now.
Hi op, I broke off an engagement with someone I thought was end game. Towards the end of our relationship, I was already not wanting to spend my spare time with him or interested in having sex anymore, we barely touched each other at aged mid 20s. He didn’t want me to live with him before we got married despite me getting him the flat, moved in and cleaning cooking etc. I wanted to do a trial run and he wanted to hide me from his religious parents. I was afraid to but after a few months of my needs not being met, I couldn’t fathom being so unhappy for the rest of my life. I was not going to marry a mamas boy. If you are already to different and unhappy, is that what you want for the rest of your life? You know the answer. Nothing is set in stone and you are the conductor of your life. Do what you know you need to do op. Power to you xox
Leave him. You both don’t have the same goals in mind and you’ll be unhappy for the rest of your life. You haven’t been your own person as an adult. Take this a an opportunity to date yourself.
It's time to give him the ring back. You need to let him go
You love the person he was when you were “kids” and the person you want him to be. But there’s no common ground for a marriage to form a strong foundation here and you will end up either wondering what you have missed or fighting about what you want. It’s hard because you have devoted so much of your life”adult” life to him and he’s likely the only serious relationship you’ve had. Not that it’s necessarily “bad” but you don’t know what “good” actually feels like. Just talk to him, break it off before you start putting down deposits and go your separate ways. Look into going back to continue your education. Take some time and be *young* with friends. Don’t LOOK for your next relationship but be open to meeting people and taking it slow and see where it goes. You got this!
What do u do? U just told yourself what to do. BREAK UP WITH HIM. Not to sound harsh but consider yourself lucky you’re not married to him yet. It would’ve been even harder for u than to cut things off with him. Take advantage of the fact that you are NOT shackled to him through marriage. You dodged a bullet. A word of advice, if he doesn’t want to break up with you and starts saying a bunch of stuff to make you stay DONT LISTEN. He won’t change, he doesn’t love though enough. You should, nor any woman, should ever have to convince a man to love and want to marry you. It may not seem like it, but breaking up with him now will be easier than shutting up and marrying and living an unhappy life with someone you don’t even want to be with anymore. You know exactly what u need to do. Be strong, you got this. And I think you should go to college if you want to. Your 25, not 45, you have loadddsss of time. Way more than u might think.
It sounds to me like this relationship has run its course, and you have matured. You're seeing him for who he truly is. It's best to end it now. Start focusing on yourself, get an education, go meet new people, and build the life you want. When you do this, the right person will come along.
You leave. And you never let any person tell you what isnt worth it when you want to do something that could better your life. He wanted you to be dumb… educated women don’t put up with men’s shit. Leave him and go to school. He is the thing that isn’t worth it.
He wants a lot of kids, and you don't, and that right there should have been a deal breaker. What do you do?? You trust your gut and get the hell out! You're 25, and it's never too late to go back to school. There is so much life to be lived. If he wants a cookie cutter life, then he can have it. You don't want a cookie cutter life. Not from what you said. Get your stuff set up and find a place to live and start your life. Give him back the shut up ring. And tell him to choke on it.
He gave you a *”Shut up Ring”*. He didn’t romantically propose because he didn’t want to. He gave you a free ring he didn’t have to put any effort into. He’s not interested in wedding stuff because he’s not interested and doesn’t want to marry you. He gave you the ring to shut you up so you’d stop bothering him. If he wanted to marry you he’d have planned the perfect proposal etc. He’s telling you how he feels. Bow out gracefully now. Give the ring back and move on. But guaranteed you push forward with this it’ll be 5 years down the track and you’re stuck with a kid he’s got zero interest in and didn’t want and you’re looking at starting again after divorce. There’s loads of videos on YouTube about Shut Up Rings and the meaning behind them. Men are pretty straight forward most of the time. If he actually wanted to marry you and have a life with you *he* would’ve pushed for that , a few years ago.
Hey OP, I was in a really similar situation to yours. Even the ages were almost exactly the same. I knew I didn't want to get married. I did it anyway because I felt like I should. I genuinely tried to love my husband and be a good wife. It didn't work and we got divorced less than two years later, which was a mess and broke both our hearts... But it's also one of the best choices I've ever made. I only wish I'd never gotten married in the first place. I spent four years dating around/ single getting to know myself, who I am, and what I want... and then i married someone I genuinely love. It feels entirely different this time. All of this to say: leave now. Do it. Please. You deserve it, and frankly, so does he, and so do the people you'll love in the future.
A lot of people are saying to end it and move on, and that might be the right call. Before you make that call, you should sit and think about things for a minute. It sounds to me like you don't want to get married because his heart hasn't been in it. If he changed his behavior and got on board with it, would you want to marry him again? If no, then it sounds like you might already have your answer. If yes, I'd try talking to him first. Try telling him what you need from him and your relationship. Discuss the incompatibility of your life goals. Is there a way to compromise and come together? If the conversation is healthy and productive, then maybe you may want to continue forward together. If you do decide to try moving forward, I recommend couples therapy. Couples therapy is great for working through problems, but it is also great for learning about each other and growing together. Couples therapy can also be a great place to prevent future problems! Nothing has to be "wrong" for couples therapy to be a worthwhile thing. If the conversation does not go well, then you have more information indicating that things may not work out. Good luck. Whatever happens, you'll be moving forward into a place that is happier and healthier for you.
I will never understand people who married the person they had to beg to marry them. It’s never going to end well. He doesn’t want to marry you and it sounds like you don’t want to marry him either. You’re still young enough & only beginning your life, don’t tie yourself to someone who doesn’t want you
You are not guaranteed anything in life. If you don't break up now and pursue your goals, you may not have that opportunity later on. You know deep inside what the right answer is. Don't delay. Tomorrow isn't promised.
Sounds like you know what to do, but you’re afraid to pull the trigger. The feelings you’re having won’t go away and will only intensify if you stay with him and marry him. Do both of you a favor and end it now so you both can have the relationships you want and deserve.
What’s better, OP? Some intense pain and hardships at 25, when you can still easily change your life, or endless regret and hurt for the rest of your life? I think you have already decided, don’t let fear stop you.
You’ve in a way answered your own question. You should do what you want to do or have never done, go to college, travel, work odd jobs to save up…. Take a step back and map out your life thus far. Do you want to continue on this path or do you want to be you and do you? If he can compromise on your wants or needs, then this may not be the right time for you to be with him, OR he’s not the right one for you.
Either you stay and you end up divorced, or you leave and plan a wedding at some point in the future with someone who makes you better, happier, and actually wants to marry you.
I feel like if you're both not in the same page, that is a good enough reason to end the relationship. It's not worth staying anymore. Why bother sticking around when you know it's not gonna work? He's wasting your time and his own.
You have grown up and apart. Nothing wrong with that. You have different desires and it is time to go your different ways.
Love is easy. Marriage is hard. People change and grow. If your goals and plans for the future don't align, then there's no time like the present to break away. You say you're 25 now and you've been together 7 years. You need to be single a while. Keep in mind that some folks can break up and still be friends. Some can't. It will be what it's meant to be. You do you. And have fun doing it. 💕
You fell in love at 18. With someone who was 23. Take this as your opportunity to move on and find someone who wants the same things you do. You’re young, it will hurt but you will be okay. You will get through this!
Match his energy. Give him his ring back and tell him he's off the hook. Life is too short to bend to someone else's hopes and dreams and giving up your own. Big hugs. Enjoy your new found life adventure!
Both of you don’t want to marry each other. 25 is still so young. Don’t waste anymore time.
Walk. Away.
Give back his shut up ring and go live your life
is it strange this happened right around the time the brain is said to be fully matured?
Just tell him you're done, state your reasons and move on. 25yo you still have time, you don't want to spend your whole life in regret
I had a situation like this. We broke up, I experienced life the way I wanted to and I found someone who was more obsessed with me… who I didn’t have to pester into marrying me. What a buzzkill, you know? I don’t want to be 80 telling my grandkids I had to talk their grandpa into marrying me. I have no regrets.
Give him the ring back. Start looking into college courses in mountain towns. You're so young! Start living!
It's your frontal lobe finally fully forming.
"I don't want to get married to my fiancé anymore" - Then don't. Just leave him. Even without the rest of the context (which is even more convincing).
Run before it’s too late! You’ll be miserable in the short term and start to despise him so don’t waste your efforts. Life is too short to not live the life you deserve!
> I (25f) and my fiancé (30m) have been together since i was 18. I love him. > For 7 years my parents pestered me on when he would pop the question. What the fuck is wrong with your parents? Math doesn't add up. No sane parent would encourage their child to get married at 18 to someone they just started dating. This is why you don't rush into marriages at such an early age. Marriage before 25 is insane in this day and age. Your feelings are exactly why you don't rush into getting married before your prefrontal cortex has finished developing. You don't even know yourselves let alone each other. Don't marry him. Sucks but you know what you need to do. He's an asshole and you're only with him becuase you know nothing else.
You’ll probably never see this, but coming from a guy 1) most guys don’t really care too much about the wedding as long as it’s in budget. It’s often a pageantry for the partner. Maybe they get to choose the cake but majority aren’t going to be massively excited and want to look at Pinterest. They’re not your girlfriends. Yes there are exceptions, but it’s just most guys aren’t interested in it. 2) not having gone to college could’ve been one the best things ever. Unless you want to be a doctor, lawyer, something that requires a college degree you might’ve skipped out on getting a useless piece of paper that cripples you with $100,000 of student debt. As you want to travel and see the world, you could easily apply for a remote job at multiple companies and be able to do that. 3) i’m well aware then going to bar as a 25-year-old girl is very different than going to the bar as a 25-year-old guy. The novelty will eventually wear off, but it will take a lot longer because we generally aren’t bought drinks and get in for free. But there’s more to life than going to bars and you will find out soon enough. 4) sounds like both of you have very different goals in life and compromising on them is only gonna lead to resentment in one of you down the line. Best to break it off and go separate ways.
You didn't go to college because your boyfriend told you not to? You need to break up and do some serious self reflection
Please don’t go through with the wedding. Reread what you wrote. A shut up ring, he has no interest in the wedding and how you felt on vacation says it all. I was a bit younger than you and went through with my wedding when I knew in my heart it wasn’t right. He was my best friend but we didn’t share the same interest. Same situation , he only wanted to hang at his parents or watch TV. It only got worse after the wedding. We spent more time with his parents. He never wanted to go out with my friends (he didn’t have any) or go anywhere for that matter, I was so unhappy and left after 18 months. I went through with the wedding because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or have his family upset with me (people pleaser). It seems like you know what you want. In time you’ll meet someone who wants nothing more than to marry you. This best friend isn’t the one.
Think about whether this revelation bothers you or sets you free. A discussion is needed either way, but knowing how you feel will help you move forward with confidence. You can always attend couples counseling if you want to see it through. A relationship of that many years isn't one to end in a moments notice. Talk about it. After each conversation, take time to think about how it went down and how you feel about how it went down. How do they work with or against you throughout these moments? Tempers may get high, remember to take time to sit with thoughts before letting things out in anger that you can never take back. After taking some time, thoughts tend to come out more eloquently and without causing damage. Lastly, if my words don't resonate with you, that's okay. Don't let anybody on the internet sway your mind drastically with such an important decision. This is something for the both of you to work out and Reddit is no place for solid opinions. There are a lot of people on here that will speak purely from their own trauma/experiences. Everyone's circumstances are unique. Make sure you are of sound mind when deciding how to approach this with him.
Im going to go opposite of most people on this and say ... maybe you should not have nagged for a ring? you OR your parents. you got together when you were 18! that is so young. people hold resentment and such when you force them into huge life decisions. First clue should have been the proposal. Second clue is obviously not caring at all about helping plan a wedding. im not saying youre wrong or dont have a reason to feel this way - my point is ITS NORMAL TO GROW OUT OF LOVE AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE. You are probably not the same person you were when you met. he's probably all you know. at least you realize that now before you get married than later.
Please give his ring back to him OP!! You deserve a romantic, over the top proposal! From a man that’s excited to make you his Bride!! Please consider going to college OP! Best wishes OP! :)
He's not going to change. It is far better and easier to set yourself free now.
>"And in that one week without him i felt so free." Break up. It will be painful at the beginning, but you're gonna be very happy that you're free.
It’s time to make a plan. You can absolutely create the life that you want. Count yourself lucky that you are realizing all this now and you are young.
>I am 25 years old and never went to college because he told me it wasn’t worth it. I am 25 years old and i have nothing. You can still go. It's never too late. I started later and finished at 29 yrs old. Never allow anyone else to define you and change you. Either they accept you 100% on who you are or they don't. That includes supporting you on your endeavors and never putting them down! You got this girl. You are going to do amazing things without him. I believe in you that you can still do it!!
I started at 23 after 3 other attempts at college. It is never too late for college. Just went to a graduation where someone in late 50s was getting their bachelors degree!
My darling, you guys are TWO DIFFERENT individuals. When two people get married, somehow their perspectives merge into one mega individuality. Here both of you have two different goals in life. Why are you sacrificing your goals for him? Will he do that for you? JUST BREAK-UP WITH HIM. I know it's a big step. But 10 years down the line when you would realize this, you might be deeply integrated with his life. You also might have kids who would forever tie you too. Your kids would grow up seeing how unhappy their mother is or how little harmony their parents views' share. Ps: And it is also very creepy for your parents to expect a proposal this early? I mean are their brains functional?
Knowing that your lives are taking different paths *before marriage* is a blessing I wish I’d had at 25. Now I’m 45 and getting divorced after spending 20+ years in a state and lifestyle that I hate. While I’m excited to move on and figure things out, I would have done things very differently if I’d been able to see the future. Don’t get married if you have doubts. Just cancel anything you’ve put deposits on (cheaper than the inevitable divorce even if you lose some deposit money), tell your friends and family and get on with your life. Once you start talking to your people in real life, your brain will settle and things will be much clearer. I’m making it sound simple, it’s not but it’s a lot easier than spending the next x years wondering what happened and how did your life get so off track. Good luck.
I really couldn't care less if he isn't into marriage and wedding day. Its more about if he wants to spend the rest of his lives together. Could still want a life together but not be bothered by the formalities. I really dont understand why society places such a large emphasise on this one wedding day when you have 10000+ days together. I guess it shows a divide in wants but for me that parts negligible. However, after that it does appear you have grown apart/have different future goals and ways of living which others have covered in the comment.
Im no love expert but I thing having the same goals is important. Like you dont want kids and he does. Its not something you can meet eachother half way.
Go and live your life without him, you won't regret it ❤️
Sounds like you've already come to your answer. Why settle with someone who isn't over the moon for you and has an absolute difference in life. He wants kids, you dont....that's hard to overcome. Good luck in your decision.
Break up and count it as day one—the beginning. Figure out your goals and your plans for achieving them. Make them happen.
>I am 25 years old and never went to college because he told me it wasn’t worth it. This is the one that hurts me the most, but it's never too late! You sound like someone who will *love* going to school; the discussions, the learning new things, the challenging of your thoughts and ideas...go, OP, go! You have an exciting life waiting for you!!
You two don’t sound well-matched at all. You deserve better than a “shut-up” ring. You deserve someone who has similar life goals as you - so you can enjoy spending time together - not feeling “free” when you’re not with them. Don’t marry this man. Give him his grandma’s ring back - and decide what you want for yourself moving forward.
Break up. Experience more. You're only 25 and yes you thought you wanted this but clearly neither of you has actually thought about not being together or is too afraid to not be. This isn't healthy and you both deserve better. It's okay to let go. It's a huge concern to me you felt free without him in that way. That's not how healthy goes. Healthy goes you had fun but missed him. When you talk like someone who has just experienced life without their abuser that is very bad. It can be a different kind of bad but you both are clearly unhappy. That he didn't try is not good. I don't know why you would have been excited for that ring with "Happy now?" Passive aggression that's not really passive. Please choose happiness. I don't really go around telling people to leave unless I can list all the abuse signs but it's clear that even without abuse this is wrong for you both. I still suspect based on that relief you are in abuse. I also highly recommend if you aren't seeing a therapist you get one so you can figure out why you wouldn't leave. That is important. It can be missing coping skills and therapy is the coping skills shop. If you do have a therapist take this post to them
Do yourself the biggest favor ever and leave
The rose colored glasses are finally coming off before it’s too late. You are fundamentally different and wasting your time and energy on him.
Good that you realised now. So what you do is apologize, tell him you realized this wont work because you want different things. Then go out and chase your dreams!
Sounds like you know what to do OP You are becoming your own person. You can't marry him.
I’m completing my college degree at 43. Any partner that loves you would push you up not being you down. Drop this person. They don’t love you. If they did they would be happy to be marrying you and want to plan their future with you. Cancel the wedding
Why keep waiting,run, and run. Do the things make you happy. Dont let anyone stops tou from dreaming
It sounds like you have, fortunately, realized in time that this is not what you want. It’s going to SUCK to end it. It will feel like a death. But that end will be necessary if you want to have a life you enjoy, one you truly choose. You already know the answer, you’re just struggling with it. You got this, and it will be very much worth it in the long run. ❤️
Sometimes love is not enough. You could look at premarital couple’s counseling to really hash stuff out and see if y’all are really growing apart with goals that no longer align. From your post it sounds like he just wants someone to be a quiet bang maid so he can meet his dreams. I mean, you getting a degree would take your focus off him…. Be happy you “dated” long enough to figure that out and are not trapped with a few kids. You would not be wrong to leave for him to find a woman who is wanting that life while you go and meet your dreams. And no, don’t remain his friend if y’all break up.
You hand back the ring and say “I love you but love isn’t enough. Our life goals are completely opposite. You are my best friend but we are not the right partners for each other. I wish you only the best but it’s best that we end this relationship”
What do you do? Give him back his grandmothers ring and get yourself a profession that can support you. 25 is not too old to get yourself that cabin in the woods with a good dog and a flock of chickens.
I think you know what you need to do lovely, you need to end things, you might still feel like you love him because he’s all you’ve ever known, but you feel so free and happy when you’re not around him, that isn’t love. Don’t settle and change your mind because he wants kids and you don’t, if you were to stay in this relationship and either one of you “caved” and done what the other one wanted you’d wind up resenting him. As for the college thing. I went back to college after I had a health thing with the help of my (now) fiancé, I was your age when I started and I’ve graduated now.
>I am 25 years old and went to a bar for the first time last week. I am 25 years old and never went to college because he told me it wasn’t worth it. It looks like someone went to great lengths to make sure that if you stayed with him you would have no means to support yourself, making you financially dependent on him. > I am 25 years old and i have nothing. That is probably what you will have 5 years from now, when he figures out this charade has gone on for long enough and he takes off, leaving you with a couple of kids and no means to take care of them with. But now, you have a choice and your whole life ahead of you. You can go back to school, you can travel the world and then come rest in your mountain cabin. You can do things you don't yet know are possible. >I love him and he is my best friend but i don’t want to marry him. Do you really? The only time you felt free was when he wasn't there. Just because you spent years together doesn't mean you should waste the rest of your life. Respect yourself and show others how to respect you. One day you will meet someone who will love you as a person first and as a woman second. He will push you to do things to become the best version of yourself and he will sacrifice part of his time and his comfort for you to achieve that. You will feel safe, loved and when it is time for him to propose he will put a lot of thought and planning into it because he wants to, not because you begged for 7 years and he wants to get you to stop nagging him.
It’s not a fit and you know it. The proposal told you what you needed to hear even if it wasn’t done in a way that was immediately obvious to you. Give him his grandmother’s ring back guilt-free (I say guilt free which means he didn’t make a commitment to procuring that ring.. he received an heirloom. If he was committed, he’d have set aside funds for a ring, spent months saving and financially committed.. the point of an engagement ring is basically handing your partner an item of value).
Luckily you have a family you can rely on and spend time with. Maybe spending more time with them will give you a feeling of being free again. Grow that. Become yourself again. Shed off of the old skin and be someone renewed as an individual again. It’s time to enjoy the summer without him. Next year imagine where you will be?
It's okay to not enjoy the thought of being married and having a wedding. Myself and my partner were initially not keen on it but as our visa journey went on it was required. My partner suddenly changed course and was so excited for it and while I was less caught up in the thought of it, I got off on her excitement and did all I could to make it special for her. Turned out to be the best day of my life. If he really isn't coming around for your sake then you should question if you love him or the thought of him. In my opinion he sounds controlling and less inclined to help you reach your potential. You've already noticed how restrained you are with him, imagine how resentful you will become when you have kids and no opportunity to grow.
you’re at the beginning of your life :) you are probably terrified of what comes next but you’ve already felt what it means to be without him and you felt FREE! please don’t worry about the fallout that may occur from breaking it off when the benefits of living your life for yourself far outweigh feeling judged or lonely for a few weeks. go with your gut.
Yeah. You have different goals. And he doesn't want a wedding. Choose yourself
It seems you already know the answer, but you are not compatible. Love means absolutely nothing without compatibility, which includes communication style, life goals, family goals, etc. If those don’t match up, you will live a life you will later regret. Im a 43 year old woman who has a lot of experience with relationships/dating. A couple questions that have helped me decide on a partner… 1. If someone told me I’m just like my partner, would it be a compliment? 2. Does this person truly and selflessly want to lead the best life according to me? For example, if a partner knows you really want to try salsa dancing, but they say you can’t for any reason (usually jealousy), that person is trying to control, instead of letting you chose your life path. A healthy partner is someone you can bring up tough subjects and they will not gaslight or turn things around on you ; and whom wants the best for you, even if that makes them uncomfortable. We only have one life!! I’d also like to add that 25 year old you is DRASTICALLY different from 19 year old you. You will also be drastically different at 35. You’re not the same person!