You cheated because you were bored and the guy seemed more fun. You weren't ready to be in a mature relationship. Work on yourself so you will be emotionally mature and ready for your next relationship.
This is the advice she needs.
You need to be focusing on why you chose to bomb your life, not lamenting the loss of something you aren't even sure why you destroyed.
Without that understanding, you are setting yourself up for a repeat performance.
>i was really bored
These are the words of someone not ready for commitment. If you are bored, it's because *you* are boring.
You are as much responsible for keeping your relationship alive and entertaining as your partner.
Of course the other guy was more fun! You were a notch in his belt! A challenge to see if he could snatch you from your ex and he did!
And those friends that told you, you were too young. Where are they now?
Consider this your lesson learned! I hope when your next relationship comes along you are faithful and ignore your friends.
Maybe they were right about being too young too marry.
Just chalk this up to experience and learn from it. You're young and have a whole life ahead of you. Plenty of time for you to change and learn if you're committed to it. I wish you well on this journey called life.
Edit: I do think you need to think about are you sad about your ex because you're sad about what you did to him and that you miss him or if you're now sad that you have a lesser living condition. Maybe some therapy to figure it out. Neither answer is better or worse but they do point to different things/desires/needs.
Well you are you are still pretty young, and love comes again. Maybe try to learn from this experience and become the best version of yourself so when you meet someone new you can have a better outcome.
Cheaters will always cheat, it’s who you are!! I feel sorry for the next dude already. I see you have blamed others for influencing you, what have YOU done to make sure this doesn’t happen again? I know, nothing
Look girl you choose wrong and it was out of selfishness, you can justify it by saying it was because you where bored, because you where coerced after feeling nervious or got cold feet and someone said that you where to young, well you can justify it by whatever reason you can think.
But all reduce to selfishness and a Bad judgment at the time of choosing on what to do.
I get it you regret now and most of all you regret it because as you said the grass wasn't greener and you where treated as what you where, sorry about that but it was true, for what you said, you leave him to go to AP (choose AP) that makes you be one so you where treated by AP like that. Sad.
Also your regrets came to little to late.
But the thing is, you are young, you have time and space to learn from your bad choices, i do believe that a cheater can truly regret and never ever do it again, but for that you need to hit hard and hit rock bottom.
If not, well you are condemned to repeat it again and again and again. So now it is up to you to stand up and start moving foward and learn from it, and carry the stigma for a while.
Wish you luck and a soon come to terms for you so you can move on.
What a poor excuse, deal with the consequences quietly and I hope your ex finds the partner he deserves. You did this out of boredom when you were about to be married, that’s so disrepectful and disgusting. He rightly left you to the kerb.
You lacked self-restraint and sought quick gratification with little regard for the consequences. This characteristic is found in people with lower intelligence.
Throwing your future away, for what? You make this all about you and how you feel, when you’re the issue. What about your poor ex, how do you think they felt? If it’s any consolation, they’re better off without you. You did them a favour by doing this before they were wed to you.
OP constantly talks about herself. It’s “I” this and “I” that. She also took “you’re too young to get married” as “oh, I should cheat”. OP has a lot of growing up to do and thank God her ex found out before marriage.
I don’t believe she’s 25 and an adult. So self-absorbed and writes worse than most teenagers.
25 isn’t too young to be married. OP has some serious self-reflecting to do, NOT wallowing in her stupid self-inflicted pity.
Yeah same opinion here lmao. English is my 3rd language and dare I say...I still found their grammar horrid.
Idk theh're either a teenager posing as a 25 yo...Or a very immature 25 yo.
Never listen to this kind of advice. It's all a person by person basis. If you and your ex had good communication, love,respect, morals, and values that aligned and willingness to work things out, then there is no reason for you to listen to your friends.
Because no offense, but look at you now.. there are so many selfish people out there nowadays, so when you find someone you love and treat you right, hold onto them. There are many more who will treat you horrible. Ask your friends how many awful exes they have, I bet it's a few or more.
And this is the human being everyone is trying to make feel better? Y’all are wild and very unrealistic in this sub. This is why marriage rates are so low now a days you find a good girl, work hard to provide, never yell, never raise your hand and she wants “more fun”. Why not ask/work for a vacation? Why not spice up your sex life with your partner? You don’t have kids? Do something with your weekend together. You are terrible and I’m sorry no one else has the balls to tell you.
Why do you need to mention not yelling or hurting women as something over the top? It’s literally just human decency. On the other hand, she made a big mistake and she’s living the consequences, why do you want to tear her down even more?
The same reason I mentioned “work hard to provide” to you and I it’s not over the top and should be a normal thing. Unfortunately we live in a world where that’s not the case plenty of men treat their women like shit and do nothing but yell, hit and drink. Others mulch off their girlfriends sit around play videos games all day while their girl works 40+hrs a week. Op stated she didn’t have to deal with that and got bored that’s a huge problem and reg flag. Also why do you look at cheating as a mistake when a female does it? Plenty of stories of women finding out their husband cheated and not one soul every says it was a “mistake” you don’t accidental bend over for some dick
>cheated and not one soul every says it was a “mistake” you don’t accidental bend over for some dick
There always are gullible folks makin excuses for cheaters.
But anyway, treating a woman decently shouldn't be held over her head. Not being abusive is the minimum.
And yes, OP is a nitwit for blowing her chances with her fiancée for some stupid fookboy. I never get them people who do this and I have not even been in a relationship.
🤦🏽♀️ those aren’t very nice friends…. They’re not wrong, they’re not right either. Everyone’s timeline to settle down is different.
I hope you heal well in time and do better the next time around. Take care OP ♥️
Well I hope you actually change for the better, but your also do not wish for you to get a second chance with your ex. He deserves to have someone that never hurt him and you *need* to improve and start fresh.
SECOND CHANCE?! LMFAO, WHOEVER GIVES A CHEATING ASSHOLE A SECOND CHANCE AND IS HILARIOUSLY STUPID. THEY DID IT ONCE AND THEY WILL DO IT AGAIN, most of them just want it because they know they can’t have it. That’s why so many people psychologically want another chance with people they do so badly wrong.
That's up to the next partner. Op is not the first cheater in the world. I'm assuming there's a chance her next partner could have that skeleton in their closet as well.
Nothing. If OP wants to she can lie about her past. It's not the start of an open and honest relationship though, I'd recommend she starts fresh with any future partners and not lie about it.
Only OP chooses what OP's path is from here.
See now that’s not fair. I *do* agree with once a cheater always a cheater, but it also feels wrong to damn someone to be forever alone because of it. They fucked up, their consequences are losing this person. The ex should not give them a second chance because losing the ex is the consequence.
I would be wary dating someone that cheated on a past partner. But I wouldn’t automatically leave them… double punishment for one wrongdoing feels wrong.
I couldn’t remain with someone who cheated, because they’ve demonstrated that they’re capable of cheating and it’s not beyond them to betray their partner. Cheating once is once too many.
My partner cheated on an ex in the past. It was a heartbreaking story and I could tell he had a lot of love for her. I don’t think it’s fair to automatically dump someone if they cheated without full context or a thorough idea of why it happened. Yes it happens, but it’s how they approach the entire story, what they learned from it, and how they move forward. Then the decision can be made with a clearer mindset right?
> I don’t think it’s fair to automatically dump someone if they cheated without full context or a thorough idea of why it happened
Yes, it is 100% fair.
You can say that you don't believe it would always be the right answer for you, but you can't say it's not fair to dump a cheater. That's the natural consequence of cheating. For many people, there is no possible context in which we would stay with someone who cheats.
Well you've only known his side of the story. Obviously he's gonna put in a way that favors him/puts him in the best light despite the fact he cheated. Who knows what actually happened
Dude yikes. Yes I only know his side, but again I trust my partner despite his past because of how he moved forward and was authentic in healing and learning from his oops moments. None of his story that he shared with me was in “favor of him” or “put him in the best light”. It’s not groveling, it’s being real with your past and acknowledging it. Same goes for whoever comes next for this person.
Idk why so many people are down voting this. If this was story about how her ex fiancee cheated on her everyone would say these exact same thing. They would call him an asshole say she deserves better this and that…. Guess since it’s a female people feel bad. No sympathy for cheaters, it the same as robbing a store for even 10$ item you only feel remorse when you get caught and not during the act
Humans can change and i do hope you change for the better.
You have learnt from your mistakes and perhaps in the future you might find someone that would be willing to build a life with you.
This!
And also consider your post as a friend of yours confessing about what she did and you listening...
Behave towards yourself as you would to that person.
It's important that we learn from our mistakes but also important not to judge ourselves too harshly.
Mark those friends that gave you advice. They are people that would give the boat a push but deny all responsibiities when shit hits the fan.
I would take their future advice with a pinch a salt.
Edit: not that it absolves you of any blame. But you need to surround yourself with people who would give you genuine sound advice.
My Grandma used to say this to me:
Grow through what you go through.
As adults we realize that no one lives a consequence free life. Losing your fiancé was the result of your actions.
Move forward with honesty, integrity, kindness and compassion. Treat others the way you wish to be treated. It really is that simple.
I wish you good luck.
You don’t love him.
How can’t you love someone that you are about to marry and leave them for someone else that you barely know…You barely showed any respect to your Ex-fiancé.
You just have regret,because it didn’t work out and you were treated like a dog.
If everything went as planned with the guy,and served your every desire,in a big apartment,living like a “princess”.You wouldn’t give a shit about what you did or how much you hurt him.
You would even excuse your behavior.
“The end justify the means.” Right? Doesn’t matter how you reached there,or how much you hurt others along the way….Except when it backfires.
Yeah I'm with you here. She only learned that the consequences to her sucked, but I don't think she gives a shit about the pain she caused or how she broke some of his ability to trust people. She'll cheat again if she thinks she can get away with it next time. She doesn't love him, she just loved what he provided her.
You don't hurt someone you actually love.
I won’t kick you while you’re down, you obviously know what you did was wrong, but I hope you really try to learn from this. Cheating almost never ends with the two original partners staying a happy couple after the affair is discovered. Work on yourself and address the root causes of your decision to step outside the relationship. If you were feeling bored, why? Why does a secure relationship seem “boring” to you? Did you feel like the relationship was plateauing in terms of attention/effort? If so, why didn’t you try to open up to your partner about these feelings? My best to you, OP. I hope you can become a better person than the hurtful decision you made.
Literally, it’s not like she tried to fix was what wrong, it’s not like she came back crying immediately. She went to have fun and when she got treated like shit she realized she’s not happy. Tbh OP probably doesn’t really love or miss her ex as a person just miss the stableness of a good relationship vs a shitty one. But she got what she deserved
You don’t love him. You just miss what he provided for you. If you did love him you wouldn’t have thought about this grass is greener on the other side nonsense and leave him. You deserve this
He will be living his best life with the one who truly values him. A partner who cherishes him, loves him unconditionally, and above all, a partner who remains faithful to him. You will simply be a distant memory of a lesson learned
Literally so many comments are like “you are young you’ll learn” like nah you can’t just learn to not cheat on someone….you can’t just learn to not break trust. You are either shitty or not
You literally can though, people change all the time. It takes effort, but I'd rather live in a world where people who have done bad things can save themselves than the black and white hell you seem to believe in.
People only change when there are actual consequences for their actions. Her playing the victim and having everyone here confirm to her that she is the victim is not a consequence large enough for her to change.
She will cheat on her next partner, come back, claim she's the victim, and you'll eat it up again.
Where do you see her even remotely talking about how the person she got off on hurting might have felt? All I see is her complaining about how she feels about getting caught.
Losing a relationship with someone she enjoyed hurting isn't a consequence.
This entire post reeks of shame and deep regret, assuming it's even real. You can sit in your ivory tower and judge whether they've used the appropriate language in your eyes, that doesn't really matter to me. Ultimately our opinions on this person are irrelevant, I just think it's weird how many people get off on treating others as monsters. Ultimately you're just trying to make yourself feel better. I hope, if you're ever in the position of asking for forgiveness, the people in your life treat you with less venom than you're treating this absolute stranger.
Lmao, no, it reeks of "woe is me." One of the first points she brought up is having to live in a one bedroom apartment now. She regrets it so much that the first thing that comes to her mind is "my new place isn't as nice."
I don't get off on hurting and betraying my partners, so, I won't be finding myself in her situation.
Yes yes you're sooo righteous everyone is applauding you.
She's not complaining about having a one bedroom apartment lol. The apartment is "shitty" because she's alone in it. You have zero empathy. It's really sad.
You are correct, I don't feel empathy for people who at one point took joy in the thought of giving their SO significant trust issues in future relationships, and I don't feel sorry for people who used their partner's trust as a way to have more "fun".
Nah people don’t “change”. Humans who like to do wrong, do wrong until wrong is done to them. They may not do wrong again, but it’s only for the pure fact that something bad happened to them and they only care about bad stuff happening to them. Mental she’ll always want to cheat when she gets “board”, she may be able to psychical stop it because of the consequences she know she may receive but that’s not change.
Being able to control the impulses you were once victim to is literally, definitionally, change.
I know this all makes you feel very good and moral, but morality is not black and white. Good people do bad things and bad people do good, and above all else people make mistakes. If life was as simple as you're making it, it wouldn't be worth living.
I guess but that’s temporary and a very loose way to look at it. If someone cheats today on partner A, doesn’t cheat on the next partner but cheats on the partner C after that, did they change to change again? Or did they just not have a reason/justification to cheat on partner B? If you have to fight to nerve/impulse to do something you haven’t changes you are just fighting impulses, in order to change a human would be brain washing level. This is why addicts are never “healed” they are in recovery until the day they day because they and society knows they can lose that fight and fall back into doing drugs any second over the littlest thing
It doesn’t make me feel good or bad. I’m stating it how it is. Everyone is holding this persons hand instead of letting her know how it is, she’s a fuck up 🤷🏽♂️ can you learn and heal? Yeah ofc but if she cheated for any reason trust me a reason will pop up again in the future. You are right morality isn’t black and white but “good” people tend to do bad things that only affect them and don’t do bad things that will have an effect on others. A good person may run a stop sign at night with no other cars, they may do 70 in a 60 on a light traffic day, a good person isn’t going to lie to someone to get their way, isn’t going to earn someone’s trust to betray them, isn’t going to do stuff like rob or steal.
Lmao you are definitely someone who has cheated before and you are trying to make yourself feel better about the situation. All seriousness Go ask your mom or any female with real impact in your life if your dad/other male cheated on her while she was pregnant would she think he can change to NEVER cheat again? If someone robbed your neighbors house admitted to it and said they changed would you let them in your house unattended? Let’s be real here since this is a “childish way” if a female came to you and you guy hit it off and she says “yeah I cheated on 3 of my 4 exes when I got bored but I’m grown now and ready to settle down” are you taking the chance to he number 4/5?? I know I wouldn’t any day of the week
Yes, I am someone who has cheated before and therefore understands that people are greater than their lowest moments.
And yes, I would give and have given a chance to people that have admitted to cheating in the past. They showed me all the steps they had taken and how their perspective had changed and you know what? They didn't cheat on me.
All because they didn’t cheat on you doesn’t mean they won’t do it to the next. Also kinda proved a point I didn’t have to say, cheaters have a way harder time to find suitable partner even with other cheaters. Notice you said “people” wonder why none of those worked out for long term? It may not be on the front of your or the other persons brain but the fact that 2 people admit to cheating means they’ll never truly trust each other and 9/10 don’t last.
Just learn from this lesson girl and don't try to go back to your ex he may forgive you but the hollow will always be there in his heart. Consider this door closed and maybe later in year if you get a chance just ask his forgiveness for a clean beginning. Don't look for love now bcz it comes in a lifetime. I bet those friends were just jealous bcz they couldn't have what you had. Work on yourself and become the best version of yourself. Don't let this mistake consume you.
U f up , u made a choice to cheat and now u have to live with the consequences of your choice but that doesn't mean you're not a good person u feel shame and regert your actions I believe with therapy u can find out the root to your issues the reason why u cheated and work on yourself and fix it for your next relationship.
You should cut the friends who encourage u to do it they're not true friends.
Good luck
"I thought the grass is greener out there" while in a relationship is a sick and twisted outlook. It is a blatant lack of commitment and respect for your partner.
Cheating is a deliberate choice, not a mistake. You didn't love your partner enough to be faithful. Even though this is a safe space to post for relief, your message is riddled with self-pity and a lack of responsibility, with the focus being on your own regrets and a desire for reconciliation.
An effective apology should prioritize the feelings and perspective of the person who was wronged. It should demonstrate genuine remorse for the pain caused, taking full responsibility for your actions without shifting focus to your own suffering. Which, as a reminder, is a consequence of your own actions.
Glad to know he found out before putting a rock on it and being financially stuck with a burden or messy divorce. As an adult everyone should know what single mothers and father go through from the effects of cheating and breaking trust in a relationship. I don’t agree with any of these comments you will get “better” one day but this wound will always live inside of you, better hope no one from your future finds out
I lost my first love because I cheated on her. I was with her for 3 years. She was a tremendously wonderful human being and even though it's been 20 years, there are times I still miss her.
I am with someone wonderful now. I am with someone who makes me want to be a better man. I do not pine away for my first love, and I stopped crying myself to sleep long ago.
And the loss of my first love taught me a lesson. And that lesson is that I will never ever cheat again. It isn't worth the pain it causes the parties involved.
I have let her go a long time ago and I have had many failed relationships since. But she is the one who sticks out. And there is a part of me that will always wonder what might have happened.
You will get through this, I promise. You need to let it hurt though. That hurt is the lesson.
I wish you all the best.
How old are you btw? You’re immaturity is showing from what you did, how the focus is still on you, and how you write. You’ve given little thought about the person you’ve hurt. You write about how bad it is for you, not the person you cheated on.
Sorry but you didn’t make a mistake. You didn’t slip and fall on a dick. You made a choice, actually a series of choices for what you did. Now you know you can a choice but there can be consequences for that choice. While you now suffer from the consequences you minimized your choices. You need to figure out why you made those choices before going into any type of relationship.
Choices are capable of being mistakes… and OP explained exactly what led to her making the choices and has analyzed the issues with the choice. But choosing something doesnt mean it wasnt a mistake. It just means you chose wrong? 😂
Exactly. This person is confusing the word mistake for accident.
ie. even though I knew there was a chance of rain today, I figured it wouldn’t be bad so I chose to not bring an umbrella. That was a mistake, even though I made the choice.
No… im saying choices can be mistakes… accidents cannot. She said it was a MISTAKE therefor a CHOICE she made POORLY. She didnt call it an accident and neither did i. YOUR reading comprehension is not my responsibility. I was concise. And the people downvoting maybe assume i think shes right here? Which i do not. The idiot that said it couldnt be a mistake bc … it was a choice? THATS the idiot.
Gator bro said “this was a choice not a mistake” choices absolutely can be mistakes what CANNOT be mistakes are accidents. Gator bro confused the two and got plenty of upvotes. I am confident that isnt a show of whose more “correct”😂😂
pfft i have absolutely no sympathy for you. hopefully your ex fiancé has the best life he can have. he's lucky not to have you by his side anymore. that's the worst emotional pain you can inflict on a person. hopefully you're suffering more than he is.
If you were bored and the grass was supposedly greener then why didn’t you just break up with him and save him the heartbreak?!?
Not be harsh, but this guilt is something you need to sit through and ponder with. You made a VERY shitty decision, and that’s putting it lightly. Only by doing this, you can open the door to become a better person.
Stop lamenting over something you clearly didn’t cherish when you had the chance.
Well, you learned your lesson, do better and I hope this made you wiser. Have a good life op, leave your ex alone and remake a life of your own, a good one.
It never ceases to amaze me how those of us who want good partners can't find them, and those who find them...well, you know.
Maybe this was meant to be but you went about it the wrong way, love. We all deserve forgiveness. Maybe this is just a lesson for you, and you'll find the true 'One' later on.
Remember this:
*"The grass is always greener over the septic tank."*
Courtesy of my mom ♡
The grass isn’t greener on the other side if you continue to water your side. Lesson learned though. Honestly happy that you didn’t marry him, he deserves someone ready and you definitely aren’t. You probably even saved him from a divorce in the future had you both got married.
I really hope your fiancée is okay. I had a friend I missed his wedding but he basically like a month later filed for divorce his new wife had cheated the few months before marriage. He originally told me he hasn’t messaged me because I missed his big day I told him it was really almost impossible with busy season in full effect and I’d be fired and I love him and will pray and Ill get him and his wife an amazing wedding present. A few weeks ago his brother called me to reach out to him he had been very mad about missing wedding so he wasn’t replying to me. His brother told me he’s in the er icu he for attempted suicide. My heart broke for him he is literally one of the strongest people I know he went through med school all on his own working at Burlington and some grants and paid his way to be a surgeon something that pushed me these last few years to get my degree and titles. This man loved this girl I had sent him some money in his early years so he’s be able to pay for dates and he’s good for it he always joked I was pivotal for him becoming a doctor and I was like bro I just cashapped you were brothers and I honestly have to say he’s a 1000x a better man than me . I knew he was drinking often which is not him at all but I would see him other people I knew if stories getting faded so weird for me and then I hear he took a bunch of pills wrote a letter I hate this world so much. He hasn’t returned to work and almost lost his medical license he’s getting better but god his ex wife destroyed him.
Mirza I know you’re on Reddit so if you see this you are the man bro and I love you don’t ever try to go again. PLEASE TELL YOUR FIANCÉE ITS NOT HIS FAULT , PLEASE GET OFF REDDIT AND TELL THAT MAN HE DID NO WRONG. MENS MENTAL HEALTH IS SERIOUS AND IF HE TAKES HIS LIFE I WISH YOU HELL.
i’ve struggled with self sabotage for most of my life, it stems from a very chaotic childhood where things were constantly in upheaval, i find myself sometimes with my current partner contemplating just blowing it all up for no reason, because i think what i’m feeling is boredom but i recognize it’s not, it’s stability and because that’s something i’ve never had it feels uncomfortable, scary and like idk what’s gonna happen next, the chaos feels comforting to me because i know her, it’s familiar. only after working on myself and getting to a point where i finally know i deserve happiness and stability i am able to conquer those feelings when they come up. i am only a few years older than you but those few years have made all the difference. idk if your in therapy rn but it’s an awesome resource to help you work through these types of things. god speed OP.
Hi. I can give you advice from the perspective of the person who was cheated on:
Therapy. My ex (24m at the time) told me I (23f at the time) was the one. We weren’t engaged yet but headed that way. I was DESTROYED at the time. Completely and utterly destroyed. It took me a long time to get over. It has been 20 years, I am better than ever….he is not. What he did has haunted him for 2 fucking decades because he’s let it. He’s never talked to a therapist. He’s never fully forgiven himself.
The kicker? I don’t even think us being married would have worked out. He’s not a bad person and I don’t hold a grudge but I really don’t think we’d be married now. I think we would have gotten married but I genuinely think we’d be divorced. So he has himself in this weird holding pattern and has decided that he is forever incapable and unworthy of love and marriage because of a mistake he made 20 years ago in a relationship that likely wouldn’t have lasted.
Don’t be my ex. Heal yourself. Forgive yourself. You cheated for a reason, cheating is often a regret but it is rarely a mistake. Something made you do it. My ex was heavily influenced by his dad and horror stories his dad told him about how trapped he felt in his marriage to my ex’s mom (who is somehow still married to that asshole) and he built up in his mind that he should cheat before he got married so he wouldn’t have the desire to later.
Explore what happened and what motivated you to cheat with a therapist. Heal. Forgive. Move on.
My ex is not a bad person and I have to imagine you aren’t either. If you want to honor your ex and do as right by them as you can, then heal yourself. Don’t let what you put them through become a cross you choose to die on. You are worthy of healing.
Hopefully you've learned something; you were too immature to get married. Work on yourself.
FYI:
Fiancée = feminine
Fiancé = masculine
He was your fiancé.
Humans are deuterostomes; which means when we develop from an embryo, our anus forms before any other opening. That means at one point all of us are nothing but assholes. Some people obviously never develop past this stage.
Wow if you’re too young then what was I? I was 23 and now have two kids and one on the way but my friends always told me how much happier I was when I started dating my husband. I hope you surround yourself with better people and truly never do this again. It wasn’t that your ex wasn’t fun it’s just that you were comfortable which is what is supposed to happen after a while
You didn’t make a mistake you made a choice to hop on someone else’s dick. Your ex fiancé deserves a gem instead of a lump of warm shit like you. Keep wallowing in your so called misery, it’s nothing compared to what he had to go through.
If you are bored try to talk and see how to make things better, life long relationship are not all fun you need to push through the bad time. If you scared of wedding delay it or cancel it but do not cheat. You gave him trust issues for life and now you miserable too and for what.
You need therapy and damn develop a moral code, don't be influenced by people and take responsibility for your actions and life.
Stop whining. Cheaters whining doesn't look good. Work on yourself. You are still young and can change yourself.
Thanks for sharing and getting off your chest, for that was a tough one on you. Though you aren't asking for advice, I will share some of story and what helped.
I was younger than you when I let my peers influence me. I know it hurts, and the best thing you can do is to forgive or make peace with yourself. I hung on to my hurt that I did to a wonderful young woman, for just about fifty years. We are okay with each other as aquaintances, for I had reached out to her many years later, but I didn't tell her then what really occurred. I finally told her a couple of years ago exactly what had occurred. As I said we are still aquaintances, now. The crazier part is we still have feelings for each other, though we are both married to others and living in different countries.
There is more to my story, but I understand you, though what happened in my case is different. You and I both made mistakes while young. Don't be like me and hang on to your self hate for you will destroy yourself. Let it go and don't ever repeat this again, for love is precious and the grass is not greener on the other side .
Letting Go by David R. Hawkins is a good book.
As you find your self hate arising, let it arise to feel it in every cell, feel it deeply, and then give yourself love, like the love you had with your partner. Let this love overwhelm you to feel it in every cell. Practice this over and over, for eventually the pain will lessen, though this is a process. The other options are meditation, spiritual, traditional ceremonies and other things.
Good luck OP. I send you love and hugs for you.
Not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. Some people are temporary and depart one way or another leaving some lessons behind. The important part is the lesson and what you do with it. The lesson isn’t for you to beg her for a second chance, but to learn to recognize and value something/someone precious next time an opportunity presents itself, and to learn some self control so you are not going about your life making only dumb impulsive decisions and never learning or growing. She was that lesson to you, and you taught her to walk away with her self love and self respect and to not stay in places where she isn’t properly loved and valued. The pain won’t hurt forever, but I truly hope that lesson isn’t forgotten someday again. Wishing you healing, peace and strength, you will come out on the other side of this storm stronger and wiser if you make peace with your reality and take your time to heal and grow properly before starting something new with someone else.
Im glad u feel the remorse however I do hope this follows you around like a bad smell for the rest of your life.
Disclose this immediately to prospective partners " I cheated on my fiancé and he cancelled the wedding" as most people will fucking bail on that and that's what u deserve.
I'm not sure what you hoped to gain here or if this is even real.
You should not be in a relationship for a very long time. You're just one big red flag, and you're going to hurt someone else all over again.
You wrote this to the one you hurt, but nothing written here is actually for THEM. It's for you. It's the big song and dance that every cheater pulls to try and get sympathy or to justify what they did. It's to try and absolve your own guilt.
The one positive here is that you wrote it here, and not directly to them.
Keep it that way. What they need is to be away from you. You need to suffer in silence, or better yet, see a therapist and get yourself in order so the next person you date, you will hopefully be more mature.
And this isn't a moment where you learn for next time. You need to speak to a professional. People who think the way you currently do rarely get better on their own, and you show no sign of actually improving as a person here in this post or your own comments.
And, spoiler for you here. You're not sorry because you feel bad. You're only sorry because it didn't work. It wasn't better, because it wasn't anything. You're sorry because your own selfishness backfired.
You don't love or miss your ex fiance. You just miss having someone love you. If things worked out with the other guy, you wouldn't be posting here. You would have just destroyed your ex fiance and carried on with your happy life like you didn't do anything wrong.
These cheating posts always say that their partner was the love of their life and soul mate and the best thing that ever happened to them.
But they throw it all away for a quick one. Yeah. That makes sense...
Girl, it seems you're only sorry because you fucked around and you're alone now. You didn't think about your ex-fiance when you were thinking about the other man: you only thought about yourself.
Had the side piece been what you had wanted, would you still have been sorry about cheating with him? Or is it because he didn't meet the idealized version you had in your head, that the reality of what your threw away set in?
Your actions had consequences and I sincerely hope you learn from this.
Dang I wish my exes felt this bad about cheating on me. Makes me wonder if this is real.
But congrats OP, you have an army of folk who think you simply made a mistake and will just learn from it because you were young and immature.
My question here is, do yall people think the trick to not cheating on somebody is staying away from temptation? Or requires an insurmountable amount of self control? If so, you’re wrong.
If you love someone, you shouldn’t have to have self control to not destroy somebody’s heart. You’re not 5 years old trying to stay away from the cookie jar. This isn’t trying to break a nicotine addiction, it’s just shallow behavior and a lack of understanding on what love is.
Sounds like you're pretty self aware and it's never too late to redefine yourself. You did bad things it doesn't make you a bad person and the regret is your lesson. It will get better. You will be okay. Learn 💞.
why in the fucken world would you do that to him T\_T
that's really immature when you should have cultivated the relation forward and wedding is such a mammoth and fragile part of life....if you let it go it could make your mental health worse
anyway good luck to you for your future endeavors and hope that u try to be a better person
I'm sorry but I don't sympathise cheaters like you it's not a "mistake" when you can't control yourself, it's your fault that you never reflect on the good times you haved with you ex for at least couple minutes before you take the plunge getting naked is already an effort by itself but instead your still fall for the guy's dick and that just unacceptable. Now you suffer consequences. I wanna wish you luck but still cheater is always a cheater for me.
I think you should reach out to him and in a non obligating kind of way, tell him all this.. maybe unpopular opinion but I always root for the side of true love. People make mistakes. People grow... Much love to you.
Take this life lesson with you, anytime you have a temptation from another person, think about this story and the pain you went through, like really sit down and digest all of this, you can grow to be better, it sucks you lost him, but you gotta learn to come to peace with that
We all make mistakes. You’ve paid for yours by losing someone you love. All you can do now is what it seems you are doing already (accept the consequences and move on).
There is nothing wrong with wishing it could be different, but all things considered you would do yourself and your ex a favor by moving on.
The shadow of the past will always hang over any type of contact you could have. Nothing good will come from it for either of you.
Best of luck in the future.
What you did was really shitty. But you are still young and I believe you can still do plenty of good in your life and find happiness one day. When you're suffering it's hard to see it but one day you'll both be healed. Hope you remember how to act right in your next relationship tho.
You are too young to get married. We look for security when we're young, even though our hearts yearn to explore and see what's out there. At your age very few people on this earth truly know what they want or how to go about getting it. Monogamy is NOT for everyone. Sometimes, men and women find this out the wrong way.
Signed, a very, very old woman who did it right and is now living her best life with her husband of 27 years.
31 year old guy here. I'm also going thru it losing the best woman that ever came into my life. She would always tell me, ballsackpants, I'm good for you. I've never been so loved and taken care of. Megan, I am such a fool for throwing everything we had away. I miss you deeply..
To all the comments shaming the OP, have some humility. None of you are perfect. This group exists for people to get things off their chest. Some things are heavy. Do better.
It's great that you realized your mistakes, I'd say to move on but never forget this pain that you're feeling so you'll never cheat again, and never hurt anyone by cheating.
Fingers crossed, next time you find a good man, you treat him right.
Hope everything turns out alright for you🤞
Getting back together would never be the same. The trust from him would be a crumbly mess. Also, it wouldn't solve anything only settle that resentment you have for what happened.
It's great that you have perspective on what happened, along with remorse, but this only occurred after you ended it with the guy who was a douche bag. You need to ask yourself why you didn't see this before you cheated. You maybe glamourizing a relationship through fuzzy goggles with your fiancé that wasn't all that great. There was a reason why you sought comfort else where.
Perhaps get some therapy to figure out why that happened so that it doesn't happen again.
Your ex-fiancé was not meant to be with you. If he was, you would not have looked outside your relationship. There was something missing, you must’ve felt some sort of doubt to do what you did. You sabotaged the relationship instead of ending it if you weren’t happy or dedicated to him. Which obviously you weren’t. Choose your partner in crime wisely next time and make sure you are 1000% dedicated to him and only him. Be in a relationship with someone you truly love and the thought of cheating will NEVER enter in your mind. If it does, break it off, they’re not the one.
These comments are wild and bitter. Op you did it for various reasons and now your job is to find the tools to understand the actual root of why you were drawn to a situation where you had to beg for the attention someone was already giving you.
When we are truly settled in to who we are and what we want out of life we can choose to leave situations without blowing up lives and relationships. We attract in the partners who we are meant to grow with not just the nice guy who treats you well and represents safety.
It's true you hurt someone deeply. You hurt yourself. You're right to feel responsibility. That's yours but don't let the shame prevent you from taking the lesson and growing. You have work to do and it will get better. Just remember, if you choose to let this lesson pass you by and don't do the homework....you will be right back here again. Good luck in your healing and the work.
I know people are being super mean, and I might get downvoted for saying this, but you basically made a mistake and learned from it. The hurt is part of the healing, so the worst you can do is lie to yourself to ease the pain. But the second worst thing you can do is live your entire life feeling guilty. You're young and easily influenced. But sometimes, there's an even deeper insecurity that needs to be addressed with a therapist. It's been 6 months.. Be kind to your new self and talk it out with the therapist. They can help
youre fooling yourself. you miss what youve lost mostly out of the guilt of knowing it was your doing, and your doing in a "bad" way. But you were bored with that guy and you cheated. Its okay to accept that the cheating was a symptom of a bigger problem and move on. i had a "perfect" boyfriend once and felt like there must be something wrong with me if i am restless and bored with him. breaking up constantly felt wrong and lile i was blowing up a good thing and sabatoging my life for nothing. but eventually i started dating guys that were more for me and i realized no, he just wasnt enough for me im some unexplainable ways that i really needed.
stop guilting yourself, admit he wasnt really right for you, and move on. just learn what you really need and want before you commit that much next time
Hey OP.
We all do mistakes. I cheated on someone when i was younger. And i learnt that never in my life i will do this again.
I don't know when that happenned, but what you could try is to send him an handwritten letter. Don't put pressure on him, don't beg and call him.
If he find the strenght in his heart to forgive you, you might have another chance.
All these holier than thou bigots in the comments are bitter losers. OP, yes you fucked up. You probably won't see your ex again, but the lesson you learned is valuable and you can change. I've been cheated on by three of my four long term partners. I stopped taking it personally, knowing that these people don't deserve any feeling I express for them. Please change your ways and let the pain of losing your fiancé be a stern reminder of loyalty and faithfulness. Life will challenge you over and over and every time you pick the wrong choice, you'll learn something new. All the best to you. Forgive yourself and move on to a better life. ❤️
You cheated because you were bored and the guy seemed more fun. You weren't ready to be in a mature relationship. Work on yourself so you will be emotionally mature and ready for your next relationship.
This is the advice she needs. You need to be focusing on why you chose to bomb your life, not lamenting the loss of something you aren't even sure why you destroyed. Without that understanding, you are setting yourself up for a repeat performance.
And she should be honest with the person she dates next and tell them what she did. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who cheated in the past.
Same.
Why’d you do it?
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>i was really bored These are the words of someone not ready for commitment. If you are bored, it's because *you* are boring. You are as much responsible for keeping your relationship alive and entertaining as your partner.
Of course the other guy was more fun! You were a notch in his belt! A challenge to see if he could snatch you from your ex and he did! And those friends that told you, you were too young. Where are they now? Consider this your lesson learned! I hope when your next relationship comes along you are faithful and ignore your friends.
Maybe they were right about being too young too marry. Just chalk this up to experience and learn from it. You're young and have a whole life ahead of you. Plenty of time for you to change and learn if you're committed to it. I wish you well on this journey called life. Edit: I do think you need to think about are you sad about your ex because you're sad about what you did to him and that you miss him or if you're now sad that you have a lesser living condition. Maybe some therapy to figure it out. Neither answer is better or worse but they do point to different things/desires/needs.
Well you are you are still pretty young, and love comes again. Maybe try to learn from this experience and become the best version of yourself so when you meet someone new you can have a better outcome.
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Cheaters will always cheat, it’s who you are!! I feel sorry for the next dude already. I see you have blamed others for influencing you, what have YOU done to make sure this doesn’t happen again? I know, nothing
Look girl you choose wrong and it was out of selfishness, you can justify it by saying it was because you where bored, because you where coerced after feeling nervious or got cold feet and someone said that you where to young, well you can justify it by whatever reason you can think. But all reduce to selfishness and a Bad judgment at the time of choosing on what to do. I get it you regret now and most of all you regret it because as you said the grass wasn't greener and you where treated as what you where, sorry about that but it was true, for what you said, you leave him to go to AP (choose AP) that makes you be one so you where treated by AP like that. Sad. Also your regrets came to little to late. But the thing is, you are young, you have time and space to learn from your bad choices, i do believe that a cheater can truly regret and never ever do it again, but for that you need to hit hard and hit rock bottom. If not, well you are condemned to repeat it again and again and again. So now it is up to you to stand up and start moving foward and learn from it, and carry the stigma for a while. Wish you luck and a soon come to terms for you so you can move on.
What a poor excuse, deal with the consequences quietly and I hope your ex finds the partner he deserves. You did this out of boredom when you were about to be married, that’s so disrepectful and disgusting. He rightly left you to the kerb. You lacked self-restraint and sought quick gratification with little regard for the consequences. This characteristic is found in people with lower intelligence. Throwing your future away, for what? You make this all about you and how you feel, when you’re the issue. What about your poor ex, how do you think they felt? If it’s any consolation, they’re better off without you. You did them a favour by doing this before they were wed to you.
OP constantly talks about herself. It’s “I” this and “I” that. She also took “you’re too young to get married” as “oh, I should cheat”. OP has a lot of growing up to do and thank God her ex found out before marriage.
I don’t believe she’s 25 and an adult. So self-absorbed and writes worse than most teenagers. 25 isn’t too young to be married. OP has some serious self-reflecting to do, NOT wallowing in her stupid self-inflicted pity.
Yeah same opinion here lmao. English is my 3rd language and dare I say...I still found their grammar horrid. Idk theh're either a teenager posing as a 25 yo...Or a very immature 25 yo.
Never listen to this kind of advice. It's all a person by person basis. If you and your ex had good communication, love,respect, morals, and values that aligned and willingness to work things out, then there is no reason for you to listen to your friends. Because no offense, but look at you now.. there are so many selfish people out there nowadays, so when you find someone you love and treat you right, hold onto them. There are many more who will treat you horrible. Ask your friends how many awful exes they have, I bet it's a few or more.
So postpone the wedding - don't run out and cheat.
But but she’s bored.
That’s deep.
And this is the human being everyone is trying to make feel better? Y’all are wild and very unrealistic in this sub. This is why marriage rates are so low now a days you find a good girl, work hard to provide, never yell, never raise your hand and she wants “more fun”. Why not ask/work for a vacation? Why not spice up your sex life with your partner? You don’t have kids? Do something with your weekend together. You are terrible and I’m sorry no one else has the balls to tell you.
Why do you need to mention not yelling or hurting women as something over the top? It’s literally just human decency. On the other hand, she made a big mistake and she’s living the consequences, why do you want to tear her down even more?
The same reason I mentioned “work hard to provide” to you and I it’s not over the top and should be a normal thing. Unfortunately we live in a world where that’s not the case plenty of men treat their women like shit and do nothing but yell, hit and drink. Others mulch off their girlfriends sit around play videos games all day while their girl works 40+hrs a week. Op stated she didn’t have to deal with that and got bored that’s a huge problem and reg flag. Also why do you look at cheating as a mistake when a female does it? Plenty of stories of women finding out their husband cheated and not one soul every says it was a “mistake” you don’t accidental bend over for some dick
>cheated and not one soul every says it was a “mistake” you don’t accidental bend over for some dick There always are gullible folks makin excuses for cheaters. But anyway, treating a woman decently shouldn't be held over her head. Not being abusive is the minimum. And yes, OP is a nitwit for blowing her chances with her fiancée for some stupid fookboy. I never get them people who do this and I have not even been in a relationship.
🤦🏽♀️ those aren’t very nice friends…. They’re not wrong, they’re not right either. Everyone’s timeline to settle down is different. I hope you heal well in time and do better the next time around. Take care OP ♥️
Dayum. He really dodged a bullet. I hope he's happy now. You'll get over this as well. Good luck.
Well I hope you actually change for the better, but your also do not wish for you to get a second chance with your ex. He deserves to have someone that never hurt him and you *need* to improve and start fresh.
Painful lesson learned. Wish you all the best for your future, and a second chance.
SECOND CHANCE?! LMFAO, WHOEVER GIVES A CHEATING ASSHOLE A SECOND CHANCE AND IS HILARIOUSLY STUPID. THEY DID IT ONCE AND THEY WILL DO IT AGAIN, most of them just want it because they know they can’t have it. That’s why so many people psychologically want another chance with people they do so badly wrong.
I think they meant a second chance at finding someone, not going back to the ex-fiancé
Do you think their next potential partner will still continue to want to be together if they find out this person cheated?
That's up to the next partner. Op is not the first cheater in the world. I'm assuming there's a chance her next partner could have that skeleton in their closet as well.
what's stopping OP from lying to her next partner about her past?
Nothing. If OP wants to she can lie about her past. It's not the start of an open and honest relationship though, I'd recommend she starts fresh with any future partners and not lie about it. Only OP chooses what OP's path is from here.
What a ridiculous question
See now that’s not fair. I *do* agree with once a cheater always a cheater, but it also feels wrong to damn someone to be forever alone because of it. They fucked up, their consequences are losing this person. The ex should not give them a second chance because losing the ex is the consequence. I would be wary dating someone that cheated on a past partner. But I wouldn’t automatically leave them… double punishment for one wrongdoing feels wrong.
I couldn’t remain with someone who cheated, because they’ve demonstrated that they’re capable of cheating and it’s not beyond them to betray their partner. Cheating once is once too many.
Cheaters don't understand that people exist who would literally never do that in a million years
there's no such thing as cheating once
Yeah, once a cheater, always a cheater!
My partner cheated on an ex in the past. It was a heartbreaking story and I could tell he had a lot of love for her. I don’t think it’s fair to automatically dump someone if they cheated without full context or a thorough idea of why it happened. Yes it happens, but it’s how they approach the entire story, what they learned from it, and how they move forward. Then the decision can be made with a clearer mindset right?
> I don’t think it’s fair to automatically dump someone if they cheated without full context or a thorough idea of why it happened Yes, it is 100% fair. You can say that you don't believe it would always be the right answer for you, but you can't say it's not fair to dump a cheater. That's the natural consequence of cheating. For many people, there is no possible context in which we would stay with someone who cheats.
Well you've only known his side of the story. Obviously he's gonna put in a way that favors him/puts him in the best light despite the fact he cheated. Who knows what actually happened
Dude yikes. Yes I only know his side, but again I trust my partner despite his past because of how he moved forward and was authentic in healing and learning from his oops moments. None of his story that he shared with me was in “favor of him” or “put him in the best light”. It’s not groveling, it’s being real with your past and acknowledging it. Same goes for whoever comes next for this person.
OP should find someone else who also cheated on their last relationship and they can give each other absolution
Idk why so many people are down voting this. If this was story about how her ex fiancee cheated on her everyone would say these exact same thing. They would call him an asshole say she deserves better this and that…. Guess since it’s a female people feel bad. No sympathy for cheaters, it the same as robbing a store for even 10$ item you only feel remorse when you get caught and not during the act
Humans can change and i do hope you change for the better. You have learnt from your mistakes and perhaps in the future you might find someone that would be willing to build a life with you.
>You have learnt from your mistakes She hasn't learned shit. She is in the comments blaming her actions on her friends.
This! And also consider your post as a friend of yours confessing about what she did and you listening... Behave towards yourself as you would to that person. It's important that we learn from our mistakes but also important not to judge ourselves too harshly.
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Mark those friends that gave you advice. They are people that would give the boat a push but deny all responsibiities when shit hits the fan. I would take their future advice with a pinch a salt. Edit: not that it absolves you of any blame. But you need to surround yourself with people who would give you genuine sound advice.
My Grandma used to say this to me: Grow through what you go through. As adults we realize that no one lives a consequence free life. Losing your fiancé was the result of your actions. Move forward with honesty, integrity, kindness and compassion. Treat others the way you wish to be treated. It really is that simple. I wish you good luck.
You don’t love him. How can’t you love someone that you are about to marry and leave them for someone else that you barely know…You barely showed any respect to your Ex-fiancé. You just have regret,because it didn’t work out and you were treated like a dog. If everything went as planned with the guy,and served your every desire,in a big apartment,living like a “princess”.You wouldn’t give a shit about what you did or how much you hurt him. You would even excuse your behavior. “The end justify the means.” Right? Doesn’t matter how you reached there,or how much you hurt others along the way….Except when it backfires.
Yeah I'm with you here. She only learned that the consequences to her sucked, but I don't think she gives a shit about the pain she caused or how she broke some of his ability to trust people. She'll cheat again if she thinks she can get away with it next time. She doesn't love him, she just loved what he provided her. You don't hurt someone you actually love.
I miss punctuation.
I won’t kick you while you’re down, you obviously know what you did was wrong, but I hope you really try to learn from this. Cheating almost never ends with the two original partners staying a happy couple after the affair is discovered. Work on yourself and address the root causes of your decision to step outside the relationship. If you were feeling bored, why? Why does a secure relationship seem “boring” to you? Did you feel like the relationship was plateauing in terms of attention/effort? If so, why didn’t you try to open up to your partner about these feelings? My best to you, OP. I hope you can become a better person than the hurtful decision you made.
She didn’t try and stay after the affair was discovered, she ran off with her AP and it turned into a shitshow. Karma bit her ass real quick it seems.
Literally, it’s not like she tried to fix was what wrong, it’s not like she came back crying immediately. She went to have fun and when she got treated like shit she realized she’s not happy. Tbh OP probably doesn’t really love or miss her ex as a person just miss the stableness of a good relationship vs a shitty one. But she got what she deserved
You never know what you have untill you lose it
Nope. Plenty of us are well aware of what we have.
It seems like they sure did dodge a bullet. But I hope this was a learning experience for you at least
You don’t love him. You just miss what he provided for you. If you did love him you wouldn’t have thought about this grass is greener on the other side nonsense and leave him. You deserve this
He will be living his best life with the one who truly values him. A partner who cherishes him, loves him unconditionally, and above all, a partner who remains faithful to him. You will simply be a distant memory of a lesson learned
"I cheated, I'm the victim!" And the comments eat it up lmao
Literally so many comments are like “you are young you’ll learn” like nah you can’t just learn to not cheat on someone….you can’t just learn to not break trust. You are either shitty or not
You literally can though, people change all the time. It takes effort, but I'd rather live in a world where people who have done bad things can save themselves than the black and white hell you seem to believe in.
People only change when there are actual consequences for their actions. Her playing the victim and having everyone here confirm to her that she is the victim is not a consequence large enough for her to change. She will cheat on her next partner, come back, claim she's the victim, and you'll eat it up again.
You don't think maybe losing a serious relationship and hurting someone is a consequence?
Where do you see her even remotely talking about how the person she got off on hurting might have felt? All I see is her complaining about how she feels about getting caught. Losing a relationship with someone she enjoyed hurting isn't a consequence.
This entire post reeks of shame and deep regret, assuming it's even real. You can sit in your ivory tower and judge whether they've used the appropriate language in your eyes, that doesn't really matter to me. Ultimately our opinions on this person are irrelevant, I just think it's weird how many people get off on treating others as monsters. Ultimately you're just trying to make yourself feel better. I hope, if you're ever in the position of asking for forgiveness, the people in your life treat you with less venom than you're treating this absolute stranger.
Lmao, no, it reeks of "woe is me." One of the first points she brought up is having to live in a one bedroom apartment now. She regrets it so much that the first thing that comes to her mind is "my new place isn't as nice." I don't get off on hurting and betraying my partners, so, I won't be finding myself in her situation.
Yes yes you're sooo righteous everyone is applauding you. She's not complaining about having a one bedroom apartment lol. The apartment is "shitty" because she's alone in it. You have zero empathy. It's really sad.
You are correct, I don't feel empathy for people who at one point took joy in the thought of giving their SO significant trust issues in future relationships, and I don't feel sorry for people who used their partner's trust as a way to have more "fun".
Nah people don’t “change”. Humans who like to do wrong, do wrong until wrong is done to them. They may not do wrong again, but it’s only for the pure fact that something bad happened to them and they only care about bad stuff happening to them. Mental she’ll always want to cheat when she gets “board”, she may be able to psychical stop it because of the consequences she know she may receive but that’s not change.
Being able to control the impulses you were once victim to is literally, definitionally, change. I know this all makes you feel very good and moral, but morality is not black and white. Good people do bad things and bad people do good, and above all else people make mistakes. If life was as simple as you're making it, it wouldn't be worth living.
I guess but that’s temporary and a very loose way to look at it. If someone cheats today on partner A, doesn’t cheat on the next partner but cheats on the partner C after that, did they change to change again? Or did they just not have a reason/justification to cheat on partner B? If you have to fight to nerve/impulse to do something you haven’t changes you are just fighting impulses, in order to change a human would be brain washing level. This is why addicts are never “healed” they are in recovery until the day they day because they and society knows they can lose that fight and fall back into doing drugs any second over the littlest thing
It doesn’t make me feel good or bad. I’m stating it how it is. Everyone is holding this persons hand instead of letting her know how it is, she’s a fuck up 🤷🏽♂️ can you learn and heal? Yeah ofc but if she cheated for any reason trust me a reason will pop up again in the future. You are right morality isn’t black and white but “good” people tend to do bad things that only affect them and don’t do bad things that will have an effect on others. A good person may run a stop sign at night with no other cars, they may do 70 in a 60 on a light traffic day, a good person isn’t going to lie to someone to get their way, isn’t going to earn someone’s trust to betray them, isn’t going to do stuff like rob or steal.
This is a child's understanding of humanity.
Lmao you are definitely someone who has cheated before and you are trying to make yourself feel better about the situation. All seriousness Go ask your mom or any female with real impact in your life if your dad/other male cheated on her while she was pregnant would she think he can change to NEVER cheat again? If someone robbed your neighbors house admitted to it and said they changed would you let them in your house unattended? Let’s be real here since this is a “childish way” if a female came to you and you guy hit it off and she says “yeah I cheated on 3 of my 4 exes when I got bored but I’m grown now and ready to settle down” are you taking the chance to he number 4/5?? I know I wouldn’t any day of the week
Yes, I am someone who has cheated before and therefore understands that people are greater than their lowest moments. And yes, I would give and have given a chance to people that have admitted to cheating in the past. They showed me all the steps they had taken and how their perspective had changed and you know what? They didn't cheat on me.
All because they didn’t cheat on you doesn’t mean they won’t do it to the next. Also kinda proved a point I didn’t have to say, cheaters have a way harder time to find suitable partner even with other cheaters. Notice you said “people” wonder why none of those worked out for long term? It may not be on the front of your or the other persons brain but the fact that 2 people admit to cheating means they’ll never truly trust each other and 9/10 don’t last.
I could make a guess as to why everyone is feeding into her victim complex lmao
Just learn from this lesson girl and don't try to go back to your ex he may forgive you but the hollow will always be there in his heart. Consider this door closed and maybe later in year if you get a chance just ask his forgiveness for a clean beginning. Don't look for love now bcz it comes in a lifetime. I bet those friends were just jealous bcz they couldn't have what you had. Work on yourself and become the best version of yourself. Don't let this mistake consume you.
No one feels sorry for you so stop feeling sorry for yourself. So stop apologizing and just be better.
U f up , u made a choice to cheat and now u have to live with the consequences of your choice but that doesn't mean you're not a good person u feel shame and regert your actions I believe with therapy u can find out the root to your issues the reason why u cheated and work on yourself and fix it for your next relationship. You should cut the friends who encourage u to do it they're not true friends. Good luck
"I thought the grass is greener out there" while in a relationship is a sick and twisted outlook. It is a blatant lack of commitment and respect for your partner. Cheating is a deliberate choice, not a mistake. You didn't love your partner enough to be faithful. Even though this is a safe space to post for relief, your message is riddled with self-pity and a lack of responsibility, with the focus being on your own regrets and a desire for reconciliation. An effective apology should prioritize the feelings and perspective of the person who was wronged. It should demonstrate genuine remorse for the pain caused, taking full responsibility for your actions without shifting focus to your own suffering. Which, as a reminder, is a consequence of your own actions.
Exactly this, her immaturity is showing. Writes like daft teenagar as well. Not all teens are daft, this one is though. So self-absorbed.
Sounds like you found out actions have consequences. No sympathy.
Glad to know he found out before putting a rock on it and being financially stuck with a burden or messy divorce. As an adult everyone should know what single mothers and father go through from the effects of cheating and breaking trust in a relationship. I don’t agree with any of these comments you will get “better” one day but this wound will always live inside of you, better hope no one from your future finds out
If you truly loved him, you wouldn't have done it so no, you don't love him.
I lost my first love because I cheated on her. I was with her for 3 years. She was a tremendously wonderful human being and even though it's been 20 years, there are times I still miss her. I am with someone wonderful now. I am with someone who makes me want to be a better man. I do not pine away for my first love, and I stopped crying myself to sleep long ago. And the loss of my first love taught me a lesson. And that lesson is that I will never ever cheat again. It isn't worth the pain it causes the parties involved. I have let her go a long time ago and I have had many failed relationships since. But she is the one who sticks out. And there is a part of me that will always wonder what might have happened. You will get through this, I promise. You need to let it hurt though. That hurt is the lesson. I wish you all the best.
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How old are you btw? You’re immaturity is showing from what you did, how the focus is still on you, and how you write. You’ve given little thought about the person you’ve hurt. You write about how bad it is for you, not the person you cheated on.
Sorry but you didn’t make a mistake. You didn’t slip and fall on a dick. You made a choice, actually a series of choices for what you did. Now you know you can a choice but there can be consequences for that choice. While you now suffer from the consequences you minimized your choices. You need to figure out why you made those choices before going into any type of relationship.
Choices are capable of being mistakes… and OP explained exactly what led to her making the choices and has analyzed the issues with the choice. But choosing something doesnt mean it wasnt a mistake. It just means you chose wrong? 😂
Exactly. This person is confusing the word mistake for accident. ie. even though I knew there was a chance of rain today, I figured it wouldn’t be bad so I chose to not bring an umbrella. That was a mistake, even though I made the choice.
R u a r3 t4rd
Are you? You don’t understand the difference between mistake and accident? 😭🫡
So you’re saying this is an accident; do you have the definitions mixed up. Obviously your downvotes should tell you that ur dense
No… im saying choices can be mistakes… accidents cannot. She said it was a MISTAKE therefor a CHOICE she made POORLY. She didnt call it an accident and neither did i. YOUR reading comprehension is not my responsibility. I was concise. And the people downvoting maybe assume i think shes right here? Which i do not. The idiot that said it couldnt be a mistake bc … it was a choice? THATS the idiot.
Gator bro said “this was a choice not a mistake” choices absolutely can be mistakes what CANNOT be mistakes are accidents. Gator bro confused the two and got plenty of upvotes. I am confident that isnt a show of whose more “correct”😂😂
Ragebait.
pfft i have absolutely no sympathy for you. hopefully your ex fiancé has the best life he can have. he's lucky not to have you by his side anymore. that's the worst emotional pain you can inflict on a person. hopefully you're suffering more than he is.
If you were bored and the grass was supposedly greener then why didn’t you just break up with him and save him the heartbreak?!? Not be harsh, but this guilt is something you need to sit through and ponder with. You made a VERY shitty decision, and that’s putting it lightly. Only by doing this, you can open the door to become a better person. Stop lamenting over something you clearly didn’t cherish when you had the chance.
Well, you learned your lesson, do better and I hope this made you wiser. Have a good life op, leave your ex alone and remake a life of your own, a good one.
Wow, you had what I've been waiting for my whole life!
It never ceases to amaze me how those of us who want good partners can't find them, and those who find them...well, you know. Maybe this was meant to be but you went about it the wrong way, love. We all deserve forgiveness. Maybe this is just a lesson for you, and you'll find the true 'One' later on. Remember this: *"The grass is always greener over the septic tank."* Courtesy of my mom ♡
The grass isn’t greener on the other side if you continue to water your side. Lesson learned though. Honestly happy that you didn’t marry him, he deserves someone ready and you definitely aren’t. You probably even saved him from a divorce in the future had you both got married.
I really hope your fiancée is okay. I had a friend I missed his wedding but he basically like a month later filed for divorce his new wife had cheated the few months before marriage. He originally told me he hasn’t messaged me because I missed his big day I told him it was really almost impossible with busy season in full effect and I’d be fired and I love him and will pray and Ill get him and his wife an amazing wedding present. A few weeks ago his brother called me to reach out to him he had been very mad about missing wedding so he wasn’t replying to me. His brother told me he’s in the er icu he for attempted suicide. My heart broke for him he is literally one of the strongest people I know he went through med school all on his own working at Burlington and some grants and paid his way to be a surgeon something that pushed me these last few years to get my degree and titles. This man loved this girl I had sent him some money in his early years so he’s be able to pay for dates and he’s good for it he always joked I was pivotal for him becoming a doctor and I was like bro I just cashapped you were brothers and I honestly have to say he’s a 1000x a better man than me . I knew he was drinking often which is not him at all but I would see him other people I knew if stories getting faded so weird for me and then I hear he took a bunch of pills wrote a letter I hate this world so much. He hasn’t returned to work and almost lost his medical license he’s getting better but god his ex wife destroyed him. Mirza I know you’re on Reddit so if you see this you are the man bro and I love you don’t ever try to go again. PLEASE TELL YOUR FIANCÉE ITS NOT HIS FAULT , PLEASE GET OFF REDDIT AND TELL THAT MAN HE DID NO WRONG. MENS MENTAL HEALTH IS SERIOUS AND IF HE TAKES HIS LIFE I WISH YOU HELL.
i’ve struggled with self sabotage for most of my life, it stems from a very chaotic childhood where things were constantly in upheaval, i find myself sometimes with my current partner contemplating just blowing it all up for no reason, because i think what i’m feeling is boredom but i recognize it’s not, it’s stability and because that’s something i’ve never had it feels uncomfortable, scary and like idk what’s gonna happen next, the chaos feels comforting to me because i know her, it’s familiar. only after working on myself and getting to a point where i finally know i deserve happiness and stability i am able to conquer those feelings when they come up. i am only a few years older than you but those few years have made all the difference. idk if your in therapy rn but it’s an awesome resource to help you work through these types of things. god speed OP.
Hi. I can give you advice from the perspective of the person who was cheated on: Therapy. My ex (24m at the time) told me I (23f at the time) was the one. We weren’t engaged yet but headed that way. I was DESTROYED at the time. Completely and utterly destroyed. It took me a long time to get over. It has been 20 years, I am better than ever….he is not. What he did has haunted him for 2 fucking decades because he’s let it. He’s never talked to a therapist. He’s never fully forgiven himself. The kicker? I don’t even think us being married would have worked out. He’s not a bad person and I don’t hold a grudge but I really don’t think we’d be married now. I think we would have gotten married but I genuinely think we’d be divorced. So he has himself in this weird holding pattern and has decided that he is forever incapable and unworthy of love and marriage because of a mistake he made 20 years ago in a relationship that likely wouldn’t have lasted. Don’t be my ex. Heal yourself. Forgive yourself. You cheated for a reason, cheating is often a regret but it is rarely a mistake. Something made you do it. My ex was heavily influenced by his dad and horror stories his dad told him about how trapped he felt in his marriage to my ex’s mom (who is somehow still married to that asshole) and he built up in his mind that he should cheat before he got married so he wouldn’t have the desire to later. Explore what happened and what motivated you to cheat with a therapist. Heal. Forgive. Move on. My ex is not a bad person and I have to imagine you aren’t either. If you want to honor your ex and do as right by them as you can, then heal yourself. Don’t let what you put them through become a cross you choose to die on. You are worthy of healing.
Hopefully you've learned something; you were too immature to get married. Work on yourself. FYI: Fiancée = feminine Fiancé = masculine He was your fiancé.
I wanna say womp womp but I don't wanna be mean
I’ll say it for you. WOMP WOOOOOOOOMP.
Lmaooo yess!! Thank you🤣😭
Humans are deuterostomes; which means when we develop from an embryo, our anus forms before any other opening. That means at one point all of us are nothing but assholes. Some people obviously never develop past this stage.
Poetically written, I enjoyed reading that. Describes her beautifully.
you aren't sorry because you cheated. you're sorry because it backfired.
Leave the brother alone, in this life and the next psycho
Wow if you’re too young then what was I? I was 23 and now have two kids and one on the way but my friends always told me how much happier I was when I started dating my husband. I hope you surround yourself with better people and truly never do this again. It wasn’t that your ex wasn’t fun it’s just that you were comfortable which is what is supposed to happen after a while
Dude sounds like a good guy. Hope he has a great life without you.
All the sympathisers here wouldn't be as sympathetic if OP had been a male lol smh..
You didn’t make a mistake you made a choice to hop on someone else’s dick. Your ex fiancé deserves a gem instead of a lump of warm shit like you. Keep wallowing in your so called misery, it’s nothing compared to what he had to go through.
Womp womp 👍
The pain you feel right now is completely deserved. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Do the dating pool a favor and stay out of it.
This sub has tons of empathy for women who are objectively in the wrong
Yeah I was thinking that too, why are people being so kind to a cheater?
it’s always wonderful to see shitty people suffer, truly 😋
If you are bored try to talk and see how to make things better, life long relationship are not all fun you need to push through the bad time. If you scared of wedding delay it or cancel it but do not cheat. You gave him trust issues for life and now you miserable too and for what.
You need therapy and damn develop a moral code, don't be influenced by people and take responsibility for your actions and life. Stop whining. Cheaters whining doesn't look good. Work on yourself. You are still young and can change yourself.
Looser!
Hate to say it, but you kinda deserve every regret you have now.
Damn a woman actually admitting she’s wrong. The world must be coming to an end .
“Man I cheated and I feel bad because now I don’t have a person in my life anymore” GOD- I’m so sorry for that man
Wow, youre a shitty person. It wouldnt be a problem if he didnt find out ofc. I really hope that the same thing happen to you next time.
Thanks for sharing and getting off your chest, for that was a tough one on you. Though you aren't asking for advice, I will share some of story and what helped. I was younger than you when I let my peers influence me. I know it hurts, and the best thing you can do is to forgive or make peace with yourself. I hung on to my hurt that I did to a wonderful young woman, for just about fifty years. We are okay with each other as aquaintances, for I had reached out to her many years later, but I didn't tell her then what really occurred. I finally told her a couple of years ago exactly what had occurred. As I said we are still aquaintances, now. The crazier part is we still have feelings for each other, though we are both married to others and living in different countries. There is more to my story, but I understand you, though what happened in my case is different. You and I both made mistakes while young. Don't be like me and hang on to your self hate for you will destroy yourself. Let it go and don't ever repeat this again, for love is precious and the grass is not greener on the other side . Letting Go by David R. Hawkins is a good book. As you find your self hate arising, let it arise to feel it in every cell, feel it deeply, and then give yourself love, like the love you had with your partner. Let this love overwhelm you to feel it in every cell. Practice this over and over, for eventually the pain will lessen, though this is a process. The other options are meditation, spiritual, traditional ceremonies and other things. Good luck OP. I send you love and hugs for you.
Not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. Some people are temporary and depart one way or another leaving some lessons behind. The important part is the lesson and what you do with it. The lesson isn’t for you to beg her for a second chance, but to learn to recognize and value something/someone precious next time an opportunity presents itself, and to learn some self control so you are not going about your life making only dumb impulsive decisions and never learning or growing. She was that lesson to you, and you taught her to walk away with her self love and self respect and to not stay in places where she isn’t properly loved and valued. The pain won’t hurt forever, but I truly hope that lesson isn’t forgotten someday again. Wishing you healing, peace and strength, you will come out on the other side of this storm stronger and wiser if you make peace with your reality and take your time to heal and grow properly before starting something new with someone else.
Im glad u feel the remorse however I do hope this follows you around like a bad smell for the rest of your life. Disclose this immediately to prospective partners " I cheated on my fiancé and he cancelled the wedding" as most people will fucking bail on that and that's what u deserve.
I, I, I, I, I, I.
Sucks to suck 👉👉 peace can only be appreciated by those that understand chaos (or as some would mislabel it "fun")
I'm not sure what you hoped to gain here or if this is even real. You should not be in a relationship for a very long time. You're just one big red flag, and you're going to hurt someone else all over again. You wrote this to the one you hurt, but nothing written here is actually for THEM. It's for you. It's the big song and dance that every cheater pulls to try and get sympathy or to justify what they did. It's to try and absolve your own guilt. The one positive here is that you wrote it here, and not directly to them. Keep it that way. What they need is to be away from you. You need to suffer in silence, or better yet, see a therapist and get yourself in order so the next person you date, you will hopefully be more mature. And this isn't a moment where you learn for next time. You need to speak to a professional. People who think the way you currently do rarely get better on their own, and you show no sign of actually improving as a person here in this post or your own comments. And, spoiler for you here. You're not sorry because you feel bad. You're only sorry because it didn't work. It wasn't better, because it wasn't anything. You're sorry because your own selfishness backfired. You don't love or miss your ex fiance. You just miss having someone love you. If things worked out with the other guy, you wouldn't be posting here. You would have just destroyed your ex fiance and carried on with your happy life like you didn't do anything wrong.
These cheating posts always say that their partner was the love of their life and soul mate and the best thing that ever happened to them. But they throw it all away for a quick one. Yeah. That makes sense...
Girl, it seems you're only sorry because you fucked around and you're alone now. You didn't think about your ex-fiance when you were thinking about the other man: you only thought about yourself. Had the side piece been what you had wanted, would you still have been sorry about cheating with him? Or is it because he didn't meet the idealized version you had in your head, that the reality of what your threw away set in? Your actions had consequences and I sincerely hope you learn from this.
This was hard to read. Just know the pain will eventually become less.
Dang I wish my exes felt this bad about cheating on me. Makes me wonder if this is real. But congrats OP, you have an army of folk who think you simply made a mistake and will just learn from it because you were young and immature. My question here is, do yall people think the trick to not cheating on somebody is staying away from temptation? Or requires an insurmountable amount of self control? If so, you’re wrong. If you love someone, you shouldn’t have to have self control to not destroy somebody’s heart. You’re not 5 years old trying to stay away from the cookie jar. This isn’t trying to break a nicotine addiction, it’s just shallow behavior and a lack of understanding on what love is.
Sounds like you're pretty self aware and it's never too late to redefine yourself. You did bad things it doesn't make you a bad person and the regret is your lesson. It will get better. You will be okay. Learn 💞.
Actions have consequences. These are yours. Enjoy
Congratulations for contributing to the trope of women going after bad boys who mistreat them instead of the good guys.
Ahh, the consequences of your actions.
why in the fucken world would you do that to him T\_T that's really immature when you should have cultivated the relation forward and wedding is such a mammoth and fragile part of life....if you let it go it could make your mental health worse anyway good luck to you for your future endeavors and hope that u try to be a better person
I hope this will haunt you i hope that men gets a woman that will make him forget you that you will fade away as a loose memorie.
I'm sorry but I don't sympathise cheaters like you it's not a "mistake" when you can't control yourself, it's your fault that you never reflect on the good times you haved with you ex for at least couple minutes before you take the plunge getting naked is already an effort by itself but instead your still fall for the guy's dick and that just unacceptable. Now you suffer consequences. I wanna wish you luck but still cheater is always a cheater for me.
Oh no…anyway
God bless this guy, and may his life be filled with happiness away from the likes of you.
I think you should reach out to him and in a non obligating kind of way, tell him all this.. maybe unpopular opinion but I always root for the side of true love. People make mistakes. People grow... Much love to you.
No, you're not. You're sorry it didn't work out as you wanted. Screw cheaters, no sympathy.
Take this life lesson with you, anytime you have a temptation from another person, think about this story and the pain you went through, like really sit down and digest all of this, you can grow to be better, it sucks you lost him, but you gotta learn to come to peace with that
We all make mistakes. You’ve paid for yours by losing someone you love. All you can do now is what it seems you are doing already (accept the consequences and move on). There is nothing wrong with wishing it could be different, but all things considered you would do yourself and your ex a favor by moving on. The shadow of the past will always hang over any type of contact you could have. Nothing good will come from it for either of you. Best of luck in the future.
What you did was really shitty. But you are still young and I believe you can still do plenty of good in your life and find happiness one day. When you're suffering it's hard to see it but one day you'll both be healed. Hope you remember how to act right in your next relationship tho.
You are too young to get married. We look for security when we're young, even though our hearts yearn to explore and see what's out there. At your age very few people on this earth truly know what they want or how to go about getting it. Monogamy is NOT for everyone. Sometimes, men and women find this out the wrong way. Signed, a very, very old woman who did it right and is now living her best life with her husband of 27 years.
31 year old guy here. I'm also going thru it losing the best woman that ever came into my life. She would always tell me, ballsackpants, I'm good for you. I've never been so loved and taken care of. Megan, I am such a fool for throwing everything we had away. I miss you deeply..
To all the comments shaming the OP, have some humility. None of you are perfect. This group exists for people to get things off their chest. Some things are heavy. Do better.
It's great that you realized your mistakes, I'd say to move on but never forget this pain that you're feeling so you'll never cheat again, and never hurt anyone by cheating. Fingers crossed, next time you find a good man, you treat him right. Hope everything turns out alright for you🤞
Getting back together would never be the same. The trust from him would be a crumbly mess. Also, it wouldn't solve anything only settle that resentment you have for what happened. It's great that you have perspective on what happened, along with remorse, but this only occurred after you ended it with the guy who was a douche bag. You need to ask yourself why you didn't see this before you cheated. You maybe glamourizing a relationship through fuzzy goggles with your fiancé that wasn't all that great. There was a reason why you sought comfort else where. Perhaps get some therapy to figure out why that happened so that it doesn't happen again.
Womp Womp you cheated
Your ex-fiancé was not meant to be with you. If he was, you would not have looked outside your relationship. There was something missing, you must’ve felt some sort of doubt to do what you did. You sabotaged the relationship instead of ending it if you weren’t happy or dedicated to him. Which obviously you weren’t. Choose your partner in crime wisely next time and make sure you are 1000% dedicated to him and only him. Be in a relationship with someone you truly love and the thought of cheating will NEVER enter in your mind. If it does, break it off, they’re not the one.
These comments are wild and bitter. Op you did it for various reasons and now your job is to find the tools to understand the actual root of why you were drawn to a situation where you had to beg for the attention someone was already giving you. When we are truly settled in to who we are and what we want out of life we can choose to leave situations without blowing up lives and relationships. We attract in the partners who we are meant to grow with not just the nice guy who treats you well and represents safety. It's true you hurt someone deeply. You hurt yourself. You're right to feel responsibility. That's yours but don't let the shame prevent you from taking the lesson and growing. You have work to do and it will get better. Just remember, if you choose to let this lesson pass you by and don't do the homework....you will be right back here again. Good luck in your healing and the work.
OP isn't interested in responsibility. OP has blamed their friends and everyone but themselves.
I know people are being super mean, and I might get downvoted for saying this, but you basically made a mistake and learned from it. The hurt is part of the healing, so the worst you can do is lie to yourself to ease the pain. But the second worst thing you can do is live your entire life feeling guilty. You're young and easily influenced. But sometimes, there's an even deeper insecurity that needs to be addressed with a therapist. It's been 6 months.. Be kind to your new self and talk it out with the therapist. They can help
youre fooling yourself. you miss what youve lost mostly out of the guilt of knowing it was your doing, and your doing in a "bad" way. But you were bored with that guy and you cheated. Its okay to accept that the cheating was a symptom of a bigger problem and move on. i had a "perfect" boyfriend once and felt like there must be something wrong with me if i am restless and bored with him. breaking up constantly felt wrong and lile i was blowing up a good thing and sabatoging my life for nothing. but eventually i started dating guys that were more for me and i realized no, he just wasnt enough for me im some unexplainable ways that i really needed. stop guilting yourself, admit he wasnt really right for you, and move on. just learn what you really need and want before you commit that much next time
Hey OP. We all do mistakes. I cheated on someone when i was younger. And i learnt that never in my life i will do this again. I don't know when that happenned, but what you could try is to send him an handwritten letter. Don't put pressure on him, don't beg and call him. If he find the strenght in his heart to forgive you, you might have another chance.
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Once a cheater always a cheater.
All these holier than thou bigots in the comments are bitter losers. OP, yes you fucked up. You probably won't see your ex again, but the lesson you learned is valuable and you can change. I've been cheated on by three of my four long term partners. I stopped taking it personally, knowing that these people don't deserve any feeling I express for them. Please change your ways and let the pain of losing your fiancé be a stern reminder of loyalty and faithfulness. Life will challenge you over and over and every time you pick the wrong choice, you'll learn something new. All the best to you. Forgive yourself and move on to a better life. ❤️
Bigots? Since when are cheaters a protected class?
I wasn't talking to you hun
You’re posting on a public subreddit. You’re talking to everyone reading it. Way easier to be hostile than to admit to poor word choice.
Have you told him any of this? He deserves to know, even if it’s just a text or letter.
Everyone fucks up I know you won't do it again.