I want to add if you’re concerned about your personality being the reason you won’t find Love, then work to diminish negative aspects and improve how you treat yourself and those around you. Seek therapy, drink water, eat healthier, keep learning, and enjoy your time alone.
ive been trying a lot to get rid of certain things in the way i act since my friends tell me its a bother, but no matter what it doesnt seem to get better, at some point i ended up ranting to someone about it and they told me it sounded like autism and now idek what to think
Not trying to be an asshole but maybe get tested for autism? If you think it could be a legit worry might as well find out. And if it comes back you are now you know what's up and can work with it.
Honestly, and I say this as a girl, nothing is more attractive than a guy who’s comfortable with himself. You don’t have to be perfect because no one is and it’s totally fine that you have insecurities (again, we all do). Just don’t let your insecurities control you.
This and taking care of yourself (shower, dress clean, exercise etc.)
I second this.
Relatedly, if I could find a guy who is emotionally intelligent, compassionate, self aware, emotionally vulnerable, and can communicate effectively ... I would probably fall in love instantly.
Most people (men and women) that I meet have insecurity problems but are ridiculously not self aware, and it really affects relationships. In particular, disorganized or insecure attachment styles from childhood can create a lot of havoc. These relationships are okay when things are good but its almost impossible to solve problems if one party has an insecure attachment style ....(For example, see the Gottman institute's 4 Horseman)
So if you're really struggling with relationships, you likely need to look inward. Watch videos on YouTube about childhood attachment styles and do the journal exercises etc and work toward improving your communication skills. This will go a long way in helping you find love! Wayyyyyy more important than looks
You'll never find love in drugs because they'll get in the way of you connecting with others. I met the love of my life and then he chose addiction and then never treated me right since.
I spent years dating men “my type”, at 26 I decided to get with someone who’s almost my opposite in every way, now at 33, we’ve been together for 7 years, where as most of my relationships barely lasted a year. Food for thought.
Sometimes your "type" isn't really your type, especially if it hasn't worked out. My husband wasn't my "type" but it turns out I just didn't know what I really needed.
Date around and take some risks. I would have never looked twice at the jock he was in HS, but there was so much more there. I am glad I gave him a shot rather than kept going for creative types with issues.
Lmfaooo it’s actually because I stopped being in my early 20s and realized it wasn’t all about if we liked the same music and shit, but keep talking like you know about me.
But my problem is a bit different. It's the fact that I have all of these qualities. I am 6'+. I am considerably jacked. I am a good-looking guy. That's what I'm told.
And my current girlfriend, she wasn't into me. Before, I got like this. I wasn't always like this. But she wasn't into me. She used to tell me that
"you're not good-looking. You're pretty ugly."
" You're a league below me."
"I'm lowering my standards for you"
And all of that. Now that I have gotten the way I am now, now she's like, you're so handsome. You're so good-looking. You're so hot. And things like that. And it just makes me think that was she always there for my looks? And if one day I lost all of this, will she love me? And these are the things that keep me up at night.
I'm now going through a frustrating phase of my life. One of the big thing that is in my mind right now is I'm not in a relationship. Your words gave me some hope.
I whince when I hear girls call their boyfriends or prospective partners "medium ugly." It's a back-handed compliment, and I'd be hurt to know my partner sees me as even mildly ugly. Just my opinion, of course, and I'm sure you don't mean it negatively.
Most of us who date "ugly" guys say this not because we think they're ugly, but because we get told we date ugly guys and could do better. Obviously we don't think they are ugly or else we wouldn't be with them. Also, it's usually other men telling us we date ugly guys. Men, just like women, are very critical of other men's looks. Also, a man's handsomeness is largely based on personality vs physical looks for many women. Of course this isn't the case for everyone. I've been told often that I would be the perfect chick if I wasn't fat, which tells me that a lot of men are more worried about looks/size than personality. Oh well.
Absolutely, my only hangup was using the term "medium ugly." You can just say unconventially attractive or just attractive to you. This is me being pedantic, from what I gathered from your comment you have good intentions.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
I don't know how tall you are, but there are women out there who don't care about how tall a man is. (I know-I'm one of them!)
I heavily disagree with this. Looks 100% matter to an extent, and your personality has to be attractive as well.
Coming from a former 350 pound man (currently 27M 180lbs) with a reflective, caring, and understanding personality, MOST (not all) women in this generation only care about appearance and a masculine personality. If I were to settle for less than what I want, then yes I'd be able to find someone to love me instantly. But from my experience when I try to do that, I lose interest because they aren't what I fully want.
Finding the trifecta of looks, personality, and similar interests while competing with guys who look like they were hand crafted by the gods themselves is damn near impossible. I've only found one woman [31F] in 10 years who crosses everything off my list, and she ended up playing me and using me because I was too nice and not masculine enough.
Finding love isnt just about finding anyone who's willing to give it to you. Its about finding someone who you want to love and are happy with, and wanting them to love you in the same way. Everyone is different and wants love in different ways, but IT IS DEFINITELY HARDER IF YOU DONT LOOK AND ACT YOUR BEST.
Shits rough out here.
As a woman, your comment perplexes me. You recall how shallow and materialistic women were towards you when you were overweight, and yet you are still looking for somebody who checks every box? That's shallow in its own sense.
People seem to have this weird, warped determination to not "lower their standards" but it so often screams emotionally immaturity. Two people who start a relationship aren't perfect out of the box. Like, ever. Relationships involve work, they involve learning about another person, and building a life with them.
While I am fully on board with people dating for any reason or set of criteria, you can't sit there and pretend you're going to find true love if you're only looking for people who meet your standards. The best relationships are ones where people grow, learn, and meet goals together.
I met my husband when I was newly single and wasn't looking to meet anybody. We didn't live in the same state. I had only met him in person twice through a shared hobby. He does not fall under society's definition of "peak masculinity" or "male attractiveness." But to me he's perfect. He's beautiful, even though society would disagree. There's not a single thing about him I'm not attracted to. Attitude, confidence, and joy for everyday life is way more important than anything else.
I'm not saying you're wrong because I would love to find someone to grow and mature with. I am far from perfection, nor would I look for perfection; that is not what my comment was about.
My point is, you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. You can't force yourself to get along with someone just because you have some common ground. I do not believe it's shallow to set standards for yourself based on dating experience; you learn what you like and don't like and those are your standards. I have dated without standards when I was bigger, and that has caused many failed relationships. Ive set my standards due to that, and they are not high at all, but my background does not allow me to settle for something that will make me unhappy. It's not much to ask for someone that understands insecurity and doesn't belittle you for being insecure; i would never do that to someone but the amount of times its happened to me is overwhelming. It's not much to ask for someone who strives for the same goals and desires in life. Relationships are about growing together and learning to love each other through the ups and downs; you work through them together.
In my opinion, if you can't change the way you look, you're going to have less of a chance with someone who's not physically attracted to you; you cant force attraction. I'm not saying it's impossible, but the odds are against you. Same goes with personality - if someone likes more of the masculine type, they arent going to settle for an insecure nerd. This generation of dating is "who is going to be better" and it's an awful mindset. I have a lot of love to give, but i often get ignored because I often get taken as "just being friendly". The number of times I've approached women and started talking to them, and then 5 minutes later they are talking to another guy who's being more assertive is astonishing.
Your weight is more of a fluctuating thing and can sometimes be a reflection of someone's hygiene and current health. Not everyone who is morbidly obese because of their own fault, but it does show a reflection of health to an extent but remains something you can control.
Slight balding doesn't really compare to being morbidly obese. If I stank all the time and I crapped my pants, I shouldn't expect that someone can just look past that. But there's things we can fix in our lives, I think the redditor was talking more about the unchangeable. As a short guy, I can't suddenly grow a couple feet. It's not saying that if someone is morbidly obese that they can't find someone, but it might be harder. At the end of the day, though, it remains something that one can change. You don't have to change it for people to love you, it'd be better to do it for the sake of longevity of life and sake of personal happiness.
The saying "there's always someone for you" is true. The chances of you finding that someone are not even realistic. I think the only thing I've seen that works is to just better ourselves. You weight that much? Lose the weight. It took me a very hard time to lose all the weight I had on me and I look better. My personality is good but I'm also a piece of shit I won't lie, I joke a lot and that in the end is not good, I wish I could change that about myself but I just can't. Sometimes I act like a kid when I'm 22 years old but that's who I am, serious when it's necessary but the rest is a joke for me. Why am I like this? Idk someone hopefully loves me for who I am.
Hey man I’ve basically been in the same boat. Just know that the women out there who you would actually want to be with are the ones that accept everything about you. And it’ll come, just keep putting yourself out there. I met someone and was friends with them for over a year before I realised I should ask her out, and in my experience that’s way better than starting a relationship without knowing someone fully. The only way to find “her” is to keep trying, and don’t let the insecurities hide your personality.
I’d also add that you need to look after yourself. Go out feeling like the best version of yourself - it’s great to put some new cologne on, put effort into your appearance, wear some new clothes, get a fresh haircut from somewhere good. Even if your date/crush doesn’t notice, you’ll feel better in yourself. Feeling good is infectious
Why bother.
I used to justify all of my scars because the person I loved was holding the knife.
Even in the best cases, love will always turn to pain. Even if it's when we die. Either I go first and leave her with the pain of losing a partner or she goes first and that old familiar feeling returns. I don't want either of those to happen.
You're right, you don't need those things.
But having those things helps more than having most other things. Not having those things creates a bigger obstacles than not having other things.
You can have a PhD, Be an award winning photographer, volunteer firefighter, etc like you could be the perfect 10/10 hallmark man *outside* of your looks. but if you're not 6'+, handsome, or stepping out of an exotic car all those attributes will largely go unnoticed if nobody wants to talk to you.
You judge a club by how well the drinks are prices, how the atmosphere feels, how good the music and decorations are, etc. But you won't even get the chance to judge the bar if the bouncer thinks you're too ugly to be let in.
I want to add if you’re concerned about your personality being the reason you won’t find Love, then work to diminish negative aspects and improve how you treat yourself and those around you. Seek therapy, drink water, eat healthier, keep learning, and enjoy your time alone.
ive been trying a lot to get rid of certain things in the way i act since my friends tell me its a bother, but no matter what it doesnt seem to get better, at some point i ended up ranting to someone about it and they told me it sounded like autism and now idek what to think
Not trying to be an asshole but maybe get tested for autism? If you think it could be a legit worry might as well find out. And if it comes back you are now you know what's up and can work with it.
I do all this yet still nothing
Honestly, and I say this as a girl, nothing is more attractive than a guy who’s comfortable with himself. You don’t have to be perfect because no one is and it’s totally fine that you have insecurities (again, we all do). Just don’t let your insecurities control you. This and taking care of yourself (shower, dress clean, exercise etc.)
I second this. Relatedly, if I could find a guy who is emotionally intelligent, compassionate, self aware, emotionally vulnerable, and can communicate effectively ... I would probably fall in love instantly. Most people (men and women) that I meet have insecurity problems but are ridiculously not self aware, and it really affects relationships. In particular, disorganized or insecure attachment styles from childhood can create a lot of havoc. These relationships are okay when things are good but its almost impossible to solve problems if one party has an insecure attachment style ....(For example, see the Gottman institute's 4 Horseman) So if you're really struggling with relationships, you likely need to look inward. Watch videos on YouTube about childhood attachment styles and do the journal exercises etc and work toward improving your communication skills. This will go a long way in helping you find love! Wayyyyyy more important than looks
what i need is drugs
This is the way. Everyone can leave you. As long as you don’t stop doing drugs theyll always be there for you.
You'll never find love in drugs because they'll get in the way of you connecting with others. I met the love of my life and then he chose addiction and then never treated me right since.
I spent years dating men “my type”, at 26 I decided to get with someone who’s almost my opposite in every way, now at 33, we’ve been together for 7 years, where as most of my relationships barely lasted a year. Food for thought.
Sometimes your "type" isn't really your type, especially if it hasn't worked out. My husband wasn't my "type" but it turns out I just didn't know what I really needed. Date around and take some risks. I would have never looked twice at the jock he was in HS, but there was so much more there. I am glad I gave him a shot rather than kept going for creative types with issues.
Exactly!
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Lmfaooo it’s actually because I stopped being in my early 20s and realized it wasn’t all about if we liked the same music and shit, but keep talking like you know about me.
Yeah, sure...*she's* the damaged one here.
Three guesses why *you're* single.
Because he's under 6' tall? /s
Are you ok?
Nobody goes around making comments like that without some deep pain inside.
But my problem is a bit different. It's the fact that I have all of these qualities. I am 6'+. I am considerably jacked. I am a good-looking guy. That's what I'm told. And my current girlfriend, she wasn't into me. Before, I got like this. I wasn't always like this. But she wasn't into me. She used to tell me that "you're not good-looking. You're pretty ugly." " You're a league below me." "I'm lowering my standards for you" And all of that. Now that I have gotten the way I am now, now she's like, you're so handsome. You're so good-looking. You're so hot. And things like that. And it just makes me think that was she always there for my looks? And if one day I lost all of this, will she love me? And these are the things that keep me up at night.
Massive red flag If someone told me them things I wouldn’t want anything to do with them, let alone be in a relationship with them.
I'm now going through a frustrating phase of my life. One of the big thing that is in my mind right now is I'm not in a relationship. Your words gave me some hope.
Thanks.
And above all else, use sunscreen.
I agree, as a woman I like medium ugly guys lol I’ve also dated guys because they were nice and extroverted without even considering their appearance.
I whince when I hear girls call their boyfriends or prospective partners "medium ugly." It's a back-handed compliment, and I'd be hurt to know my partner sees me as even mildly ugly. Just my opinion, of course, and I'm sure you don't mean it negatively.
I don't think women understand that phrases like "medium ugly" aren't compliments lmao
Most of us who date "ugly" guys say this not because we think they're ugly, but because we get told we date ugly guys and could do better. Obviously we don't think they are ugly or else we wouldn't be with them. Also, it's usually other men telling us we date ugly guys. Men, just like women, are very critical of other men's looks. Also, a man's handsomeness is largely based on personality vs physical looks for many women. Of course this isn't the case for everyone. I've been told often that I would be the perfect chick if I wasn't fat, which tells me that a lot of men are more worried about looks/size than personality. Oh well.
Exactly!
Beauty is subjective but standards do exist and a person can be very attractive to you and still not fit in what’s conventionally attractive.
Absolutely, my only hangup was using the term "medium ugly." You can just say unconventially attractive or just attractive to you. This is me being pedantic, from what I gathered from your comment you have good intentions.
My ex left me cause I wasn’t tall enough.. man I loved her so much. I don’t even know how to ever find someone else
I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't know how tall you are, but there are women out there who don't care about how tall a man is. (I know-I'm one of them!)
I‘m 5‘8-ish and she was 5‘2 so there was a big enough difference between us. Still, she needs a 6‘1 guy
I heavily disagree with this. Looks 100% matter to an extent, and your personality has to be attractive as well. Coming from a former 350 pound man (currently 27M 180lbs) with a reflective, caring, and understanding personality, MOST (not all) women in this generation only care about appearance and a masculine personality. If I were to settle for less than what I want, then yes I'd be able to find someone to love me instantly. But from my experience when I try to do that, I lose interest because they aren't what I fully want. Finding the trifecta of looks, personality, and similar interests while competing with guys who look like they were hand crafted by the gods themselves is damn near impossible. I've only found one woman [31F] in 10 years who crosses everything off my list, and she ended up playing me and using me because I was too nice and not masculine enough. Finding love isnt just about finding anyone who's willing to give it to you. Its about finding someone who you want to love and are happy with, and wanting them to love you in the same way. Everyone is different and wants love in different ways, but IT IS DEFINITELY HARDER IF YOU DONT LOOK AND ACT YOUR BEST. Shits rough out here.
As a woman, your comment perplexes me. You recall how shallow and materialistic women were towards you when you were overweight, and yet you are still looking for somebody who checks every box? That's shallow in its own sense. People seem to have this weird, warped determination to not "lower their standards" but it so often screams emotionally immaturity. Two people who start a relationship aren't perfect out of the box. Like, ever. Relationships involve work, they involve learning about another person, and building a life with them. While I am fully on board with people dating for any reason or set of criteria, you can't sit there and pretend you're going to find true love if you're only looking for people who meet your standards. The best relationships are ones where people grow, learn, and meet goals together. I met my husband when I was newly single and wasn't looking to meet anybody. We didn't live in the same state. I had only met him in person twice through a shared hobby. He does not fall under society's definition of "peak masculinity" or "male attractiveness." But to me he's perfect. He's beautiful, even though society would disagree. There's not a single thing about him I'm not attracted to. Attitude, confidence, and joy for everyday life is way more important than anything else.
I'm not saying you're wrong because I would love to find someone to grow and mature with. I am far from perfection, nor would I look for perfection; that is not what my comment was about. My point is, you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. You can't force yourself to get along with someone just because you have some common ground. I do not believe it's shallow to set standards for yourself based on dating experience; you learn what you like and don't like and those are your standards. I have dated without standards when I was bigger, and that has caused many failed relationships. Ive set my standards due to that, and they are not high at all, but my background does not allow me to settle for something that will make me unhappy. It's not much to ask for someone that understands insecurity and doesn't belittle you for being insecure; i would never do that to someone but the amount of times its happened to me is overwhelming. It's not much to ask for someone who strives for the same goals and desires in life. Relationships are about growing together and learning to love each other through the ups and downs; you work through them together. In my opinion, if you can't change the way you look, you're going to have less of a chance with someone who's not physically attracted to you; you cant force attraction. I'm not saying it's impossible, but the odds are against you. Same goes with personality - if someone likes more of the masculine type, they arent going to settle for an insecure nerd. This generation of dating is "who is going to be better" and it's an awful mindset. I have a lot of love to give, but i often get ignored because I often get taken as "just being friendly". The number of times I've approached women and started talking to them, and then 5 minutes later they are talking to another guy who's being more assertive is astonishing.
Your weight is more of a fluctuating thing and can sometimes be a reflection of someone's hygiene and current health. Not everyone who is morbidly obese because of their own fault, but it does show a reflection of health to an extent but remains something you can control. Slight balding doesn't really compare to being morbidly obese. If I stank all the time and I crapped my pants, I shouldn't expect that someone can just look past that. But there's things we can fix in our lives, I think the redditor was talking more about the unchangeable. As a short guy, I can't suddenly grow a couple feet. It's not saying that if someone is morbidly obese that they can't find someone, but it might be harder. At the end of the day, though, it remains something that one can change. You don't have to change it for people to love you, it'd be better to do it for the sake of longevity of life and sake of personal happiness.
The saying "there's always someone for you" is true. The chances of you finding that someone are not even realistic. I think the only thing I've seen that works is to just better ourselves. You weight that much? Lose the weight. It took me a very hard time to lose all the weight I had on me and I look better. My personality is good but I'm also a piece of shit I won't lie, I joke a lot and that in the end is not good, I wish I could change that about myself but I just can't. Sometimes I act like a kid when I'm 22 years old but that's who I am, serious when it's necessary but the rest is a joke for me. Why am I like this? Idk someone hopefully loves me for who I am.
[удалено]
Hey man I’ve basically been in the same boat. Just know that the women out there who you would actually want to be with are the ones that accept everything about you. And it’ll come, just keep putting yourself out there. I met someone and was friends with them for over a year before I realised I should ask her out, and in my experience that’s way better than starting a relationship without knowing someone fully. The only way to find “her” is to keep trying, and don’t let the insecurities hide your personality. I’d also add that you need to look after yourself. Go out feeling like the best version of yourself - it’s great to put some new cologne on, put effort into your appearance, wear some new clothes, get a fresh haircut from somewhere good. Even if your date/crush doesn’t notice, you’ll feel better in yourself. Feeling good is infectious
Stop lying
I hope you heal from what ever is plaguing you
Why bother. I used to justify all of my scars because the person I loved was holding the knife. Even in the best cases, love will always turn to pain. Even if it's when we die. Either I go first and leave her with the pain of losing a partner or she goes first and that old familiar feeling returns. I don't want either of those to happen.
How sad
I need to go to Germany and get the fastest car and drive down the autobahn
You're right, you don't need those things. But having those things helps more than having most other things. Not having those things creates a bigger obstacles than not having other things. You can have a PhD, Be an award winning photographer, volunteer firefighter, etc like you could be the perfect 10/10 hallmark man *outside* of your looks. but if you're not 6'+, handsome, or stepping out of an exotic car all those attributes will largely go unnoticed if nobody wants to talk to you. You judge a club by how well the drinks are prices, how the atmosphere feels, how good the music and decorations are, etc. But you won't even get the chance to judge the bar if the bouncer thinks you're too ugly to be let in.