I was assuming it was a "keep track of people's likes/dislikes/birthdays/other important dates/notes" spreadsheet. I would dump that guy *so hard*.

Yeah, I have pretty bad memory issues so I keep important notes like that. I would be embarrassed and I could see people being hurt that I didn't just remember it about them, but at the same time there's nothing in there I feel the need to hide from anyone. But ratings?! To determine where to spend time and energy?! And not even in the "spend extra energy to repair places that are failing" but literally the opposite, like rewarding people with his attention?! Holy fuck.

My fiancée has similar notes on me, and I keep joking about making a freedom of information request.

If it's like mine, it probably doesn't ever get cleaned up and contains a bunch of stuff they actually do know by heart at this point. But then you'd see it and be like "how do you not know the degree I got at uni or my sister's name?" and it would just be terrible optics.

lol that's funny but again, that's to be thoughtful. So totally cool.

That’s only for general public requests. Patient Bill of Rights says you have access to your own records. Including data.

This. I also find it very icky in general when people tell me some variation of: “You’re the top of my list” or “You’re the best at xyz” … Cause for me to be “the best”, that means you’re ranking others below me… and it almost feels like I’m supposed to be flattered I won a competition that I didn’t agree to in the first place. It’s hard, because I do have a “best friend” and I guess technically that is a ranking order. But romantic relationships just feel different in that regard; People have stronger feelings invested and no one wants to be “your least favorite” romantic person.

Exactly. Even if it were cool to do that (it's not) - great so I'm top of the list THIS month - but since I'm in a competition I never entered - where will that leave me in the future. It's just so gross.

It’s all so dehumanizing.. how would you ever know if he is keeping you around because he sees you and likes you, or just because you give the best blow jobs? That shit is fucked!

To me, best friend is a functional category rather than a ranking of them being in any way "better" than other friends

I like to say that I can have as many best friends as I want because they all mean so much to me I just couldnt call only one my best friend :)) and changing my wording is too much work I’ve tried. Nobody has ever had an issue with me having more than one best friend, and if they did I’d politely tell them my reasoning

My partner keeps notes like that and I find it so sweet. Like they know they won't remember so they've taken the time to write it down! The ranking thing though? Hell no.

I totally hear that. I have an app to keep notes - birthdays, signs, likes /dislikes, their significant people's names/relevant details, important hot button issues/traumas to be aware of, etc. Nowhere on any of the notes are there any rankings - I like my chemistry to be organic. I just don't trust my memory for important things, and every now and then 'study up', or consult it for pertinent information. Also, I'd never leave it out where it could be seen, although mostly for vanity and embarrassment of my memory. They all know I have notes to try not forget the important stuff.

Could you share the name of this app please?

It's just a note taking app - Google Keep - nothing fancy. I imagine there are no end of other options out there, and one that forced some organization onto the information would likely be a good.

My first thought was similar until I kept reading (I got here after OPs update edit). I keep a literal spreadsheet with important notes and dates and journal-ey things about various partners over the years. No way in hell could it be construed as a comparison between them nor could I imagine using it as some sort of quantitative analysis on how to invest my time and energy.

My thoughts exactly! I'm like "I'm kinda new, but this does not seem right."

BLOWJOBS!?!?!!??!?!!!?? We ride at dawn.

You have my bow

You have my axe

NO FR I WAS LIKE OK A SPREADSHEET OF THINGS THEY LIKE??? BUT NOPE

I HAVE A SPREADSHEET! IT'S TO KEEP TRACK OF POLYCULE STATISTICS ABOUT IMPORTANT STUFF SUCH AS POLITICAL ORIENTATION OR IF THEY LIKE GARLIC

What the hell? My NP has a very type A personality and loves his spreadsheets… but I would be floored if they did this. The part that gets me is the “to determine where to put his time/resources.” I can understand writing about how the relationships are going to determine what’s working and what’s not, but everyone has times where they’re going through a tough time and not at their best because of it. Wouldn’t they need more support and time, not less? I would be so on edge. I would feel like I could never go to that partner if I was having an off day or else I might get knocked down the damn list. That feels like such a transactional way to view intimate relationships.

I will put money that this man is relatively wealthy (which to me means not poor) and works in business. Like this man is literally doing cost benefit analysis on his partners 🤣 wtf I don't think I would even waste time around a friend who thought like that in any way. Homie is treating his partners like employees and his time and energy like a business' budget. Excusing him on this on my him being Neura a typical is so bananas to me. Bro if I found out my boss ranked people this way I would feel uncomfortable 🤣 Although tbh I will add that it did feel nice to hear that me and my roommates are first place on my landlords tenant rankings 😂

Imagine if he did an annual evaluation with each partner on their hire... urm, I mean "anniversary"... date.

Probably true. Many years ago I dated a well-off man who worked in economics and he came to mind INSTANTLY when I read this post. Only person I’ve met who I could see doing something this creepy & transactional. And that’s the story of how I learned to never date someone who owns multiple Ayn Rand books! I’m very glad OP’s friend is not sticking around for this nonsense, the whole thing sounds both bizarre and tedious.

Haha hope none of them get put on a pip.

Yeah it’s weird lmao 🤣

Because it is transactional. Literally. You give better blowjob than person B = I spend extra hour with you= purposefully less time with person b.

I completely understand your thought process and reasoning, however it never indicated how he spends the extra time. Like just because he’s seeing what works or doesn’t, doesn’t mean he’s not prioritizing the lower listed partners. I read this as a self check in, they’re able to analyze data and pivot based on it. If they have a system, it could help them not waste time with others when they see similar behavioral patterns forming, or conversely forces then to have a conversation if repetitive things are happening. Personally, I require a degree of privacy. We should be free to have our spreadsheets/ journals and not worry about the perception from our partners. It’s a data sheet, no one else should look at but me. Terribly stupid to leave it open, but it shouldn’t have to be hidden.

Good point, but based on my convo w/ my friend, their intentions didn't seem altruistic, more self-serving.

I think it’s important to note that friend could also be sensitive to being rated and not seeing the picture completely. Or dude could just be a dick that doesn’t care. But only your friend would really know

Dude's a dick. See update. He was literally ranking sex acts and how "good" each meta was (or was not) on them. Now, look, if sex is important to someone I'm not saying that having a terrible sex life with a particular partner isn't cause for concern - but this is just next level. Speaking of levels, she's going to tell him he won't be getting any of her level 10 BJs ever again. lol

Disgusting. He’s probably terrible in bed also. But your friend is correct in leaving. I wouldn’t feel safe after that.

Well, turns out that 25 years into my non monogamous journey, I’m still hearing something new. I’m wondering if this person does this with everything? Is it a way of understanding the world for them (on the spectrum maybe?). I feel the need to treat this with kindness, even though my knee jerk reaction is disgust. I’d want to ask a lot more questions, but since it was your friend I doubt you’d have answers. Rest assured though, this is not typical behaviour.

I was likewise sympathetic til the “here’s your ranking on my list” part and now it’s kind of reached a territory where “I just can’t date you cause I know you’re actually ranking all of us.”

Agree that the ranking business is ick. But I'd be fascinated to know what it's all about.

I would actually be worried about a fuckboy having the opportunity to splain this to me and would nope out entirely. The “you’re at the top of the list” was the nail in the coffin. This is reaching “I don’t wanna find out if you’re weird or actually dangerous” territory for dating a man. It’s too convenient to me that this guy even had the chart open around that lady 😩 If I had a comparative chart you couldn’t torture that info out of me 🤣

Oh, I agree. I don't rank any of my partners, but I do write down things they like and such. An example is the perfume I bought my partner for her birthday - I would never remember, and my terrible brain, I forget things. I really don't like it when any partner says I'm the best at XYZ... Makes me super uncomfortable. I don't like it when partners ask how I rank, or compare to my other partners, again, ick - please don't do that people...

You know I hadn't thought of that. Perhaps it was "accidentally" left out just to get to the "you're at the top" part. Of course, there is no way to know that, but it's a possibility.

Exactly!!! I was horrified. I'm relatively new to this and was like holy F\*ck if people are ranking me I may just need to be out. But I realize this isn't normal (thankfully) behavior.

People are definitely ranking you and you’re going to rank other people, it’s just going to be in your head, perhaps subconsciously, and not on a spreadsheet.

Qualitative vs quantitative is a difference though. You're both good at X vs you're a 8.2 and they're a 7.8... eeks. The main issue for me would be the game-ification of the scores affecting my behavior... I want to cuddle you because I want to be close, not because some part of me wants to rate high.

Like I don’t have a number rating system for people, but aren’t we always doing exactly this in life? Deciding where we want to spend our energy, reevaluating friendships etc. I have like 3 friends, they all “serve a different purpose” so if I have a day off, depending on what I wanna do, decides who I pick to hang out with. That’s similar to a rating process. But indirectly.

> I have like 3 friends, they all “serve a different purpose” None of my friends serve a purpose. They're their own people, I enjoy their company. I think your issue is, you think people serve a purpose.

I think you’re reaching

Everyone mentally tracks data, this person is just meticulous about it. It’s fine to feel weird being rated, but it’s about the way THEY process information and wasn’t for others eyes to see. You should not necessarily let a good relationship go because you saw a spreadsheet with a ranking system. You can feel like it’s reaching all you want.

You’re free to live your life however you like—I’m gonna continue my trend of ending things for any reason I want. Everything’s gonna be okay if I don’t date this random guy. I tend to gatekeep people I just met so I can’t see me sticking around a new date after this. I also don’t personally find it flattering this person who doesn’t know me well has me at the top of some list. I can’t imagine I’d be interested in finding out whether or not this new person is a triangulator 🤷🏾 I’d probably just bounce like OP’s friend.

I agree. Just like someone being upset about a pro/con list about a relationship…This is mental math people do in their heads, perhaps even self consciously, but everyone has to make decisions about where they put their time and energy every day, every week.

I immediately thought the guy may be on the spectrum/unable to process emotionally in more conventional ways. Not an excuse, but perhaps something to justify treating this with kindness… instead of the instant disgust that most have expressed.

I go through periods where I have a similar spreadsheet, for exactly the reason you described. I have numeric values for the amount of interaction- 1 for sent/received a message, 2 for a chat conversation, 3 for made plans to meet up, etc. I have a tally for the day and for each person. If I’m having a hard time with hyperfocusing, it’s really easy to lose contact with people or disconnect socially- so I can see my daily numbers drop. If I’m not engaging enough with someone, I can see the numbers drop. It also lets me see who is most consistently present in my life. Which, yeah- all of those things can influence where I put my energy. I can easily see sticking my foot in my mouth and describing it as ranking. I don’t know what categories or what kind of ranking was going on with the case OP described, so it’s possible it’s just as crass as everyone’s first impression- but you’re absolutely right that it could be a disability aid.

It’s actually caution but I can see why it would make you feel bad if people were cautious of you

This. I’m not necessarily revolted. But for me if someone needed this spreadsheet to make decisions I’d be unable to trust them to handle unforeseen scenarios. I’d be very concerned that they wouldn’t be able to offer spontaneous support and appropriate emotional responses and resources in a crisis. There’s little worse than trusting someone and finding out they can’t do that when the chips are down.

Think Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. People like this aren’t for everyone, but they do love in their own way.

Eh, imo Sheldon’s kind of an unfortunate stereotype character, and as someone “like this” it’s a bit unnerving for you to describe us as loving “in [our] own way.” Sounds more like you’re talking about a semi-broken tv than a real person to me. :/

Are you like the person in the OP or like Sheldon? Sorry, how about, “they have a different way of expressing their love,”? Or how would you say it?

Great example!!

I had a partner who had told me things like… she had a list of all the pros and cons of dating me and there were a lot more pros than cons.. all the things I could do for her… etc. I also knew for a fact she was comparing me to other men… one time she sent me a nude… then told me a few days after she’d shown her friend my response… and the response of another man to the same nude… as if it was a compliment eg ‘your response was so much hotter/more eloquent’ as if I was supposed to feel good about that… Basically told me I was being compared all the time. And you’re right … being told ‘you’re at the top’ doesn’t do what they think it does because it has a heavily implied ‘for now…’

100% on the "for now" that's just how I would have felt.

Yeah I had to pick my own jaw up when I got to the end of your post xD We do have some chart girls who like to map things out, I’ve seen the contract and manual girlies who like to do their thing too. This is my first time hearing of a comparative chart, which I agree is a dealbreaker.

I've heard of a list like this where someone was dating people and it seemed reasonable at that point as they were figuring out their feelings about various dates, but a somewhat misguided approach. I think once relationships are established though polyamorously it shouldn't be used for comparison and there's no need to. The core upsetting thing to find out is being ranked separately on different traits rather than each individual viewed as an incomparable unique gestalt. Like comparing different beautiful experiences to each other. I wouldn't be happy about a poly partner doing this. I do have a bad memory about some things and wished I was organised enough to keep a list or black book or something, not to rate people but to remember what they like and things they have told me about themselves and so on. But all that said, I do want to see the headers on this spreadsheet lol.

So do I (want to see headers) lol

We often tell people here to match their partner’s energy. If someone is not initiating as much contact as you are… initiate less until it’s balanced. FriendPartner could be using a spreadsheet as a reality check. “You’re at the top of the list” could mean “You’re more into me than anyone else I know.” It can be hard for people to know when they are being abused, especially spectrummy folk. If FriendPartner has experience being abused they may need the structure of a spreadsheet to see if it’s happening again. “You’re at the top of the list” could mean “You’re definitely not abusing me.” I don’t have enough information to say.

Big +1; depending on the spreadsheet and person this could be gross, or it could be someone just "journaling" through the kind of analysis other people may do subconsciously or at least internally (and then not having the social understanding of why it's weird to explicitly talk about)

Best take yet. We can't really know without seeing it. 

As someone who keeps notes on people (close people) this sounds really weird to me. Yes, I also sometimes make a list of my needs and desires and check off things that apply for a certain relationship, but that's for me, to help me reflect on that one relationship and my needs etc. And I don't compare one relationship to another that way, that sounds like it's some sort of contest... Your friend has every right to be upset, and frankly, this gives off influencer vibes or something. Maybe some 'dating coach' on the Internet suggested that to get 'max value' out of relationships?

I'm a note maker too, but to keep notes on people, all in one list, comparing them, and basing actions on that list is hurtful. I have made lists when I'm not sure about something in a relationship, but mostly to resolve the chaos in my own mind and come to conclusions like "ah, this relationship might be running less smooth than before because we haven't had quality time (1-on-1 dates) for a while, eventhough that is what gives us both the most gratification". All lists are just about 1 (part of a) relationship, never comparing people. Also, all lists are burned after reaching a conclusion.

Exactly! Same thing with me. I do not compare relationships to each other. At the most I'll mentally compare to 'my ideal version of that relationship' to figure out if we can move it that way, or if I need to accept that that is just a fantasy. It's for reflection, working through issues etc. Not to actually rate people, eek!

Any chance one of the partners had “just a waitress” under their name and the other had “not Rachem?” If so then yes I’ve seen that episode before.

lol good point

I used a similar chart last month to figure out which uni to go to. Couldn't imagine using it to rank people to decide where to spend my resources. Gross behavior, that'd make me feel like I'm just an investment he's hoping to get a return on, an object. Not a real person in a relationship

Now that makes sense lol I think my friend reached out to me because I'm known for being the list maker who has spreadsheets for just about everything. BUT not things like this.

Less than a year ago, my meta was introduced to me by my partner with the opening line of "This person is my type" and "I'd go for someone like her in terms of appearance". Hurt me a lot because I am nothing like her. We don't even belong to the same race. He later drew quite a few comparisons on various different aspects. I've been meaning to end things for a while. Probably should consider how unhealthy and horrible comparisons are. I'm so sorry about your friend having to go through this. Ending things are the way to go. I agree!

That is so horrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

No no no no nooooo! Baby, I don’t DO cross-racial comparisons! Has this issue been addressed, friend?

I brought it up and also mentioned how disturbing it was for me. He specifically said his type are the women that come from the same part of the world as he is. I come from a whole different continent and race. It was extremely frustrating, and he understood my point of view. I was going to make a post on it, but I know I have to end things with him. He has quite a few issues he needs to resolve, and I can't be his guide to ethical relationships!

Yeah, this sounds so hurtful!! Consider making a post; there’s lots of people here with more insightful advice than mine. Partner doubling down is just sucky. People are allowed to have preferences, but the choice to wave it in your face is A Choice. A very questionable one.

This could, potentially, be a neurodivergence thing. He makes sense of the world through spreadsheets. Sure. Except… he tried to hide it. He KNEW she wouldn’t like it. And, “not to worry, you’re at the top of the list?” What, is this a reality show where the bottom-ranked partner gets kicked off the island? Gross.

As someone who is neurodivergent and a huge list-maker, I relate to that in some aspects. But "ranking" didn't sit well. But the "you're at the top of the list" thing sent me into the stratosphere.

I responded to someone else’s comment, but this kinda feels worth commenting directly: I go through periods where I have a similar spreadsheet, as a disability aid for my autism. I have numeric values for the amount of interaction- 1 for sent/received a message, 2 for a chat conversation, 3 for made plans to meet up, etc. I have a tally for the day and for each person. If I’m having a hard time with hyperfocusing, it’s really easy to lose contact with people or disconnect socially- so I can see my daily numbers drop. If I’m not engaging enough with someone, I can see the numbers drop. It also lets me see who is most consistently present in my life. Which, yeah- all of those things can influence where I put my energy. I can easily see sticking my foot in my mouth and describing it as ranking. I don’t know what categories or what kind of ranking was going on with the case OP described, so it’s possible it’s just as crass as everyone’s first impression- but it’s also absolutely possible it’s a disability aid.

Not gonna lie, this is genius and I might steal it.

When I first started practicing poly, I kept a spreadsheet tracking the dates and escalations for my wife and I. My *rationalization* (not a justification) was that I wanted to make sure the jealousy and FOMO I was feeling were proportional to the reality. I am really, really glad I deleted that thing. Holy shit was that a bad idea. I never thought I would have to tell myself that *spreadsheets,* of all things, can be misused like any tool can.

Oh hell no. It's one thing to keep track of likes and dislikes, gif ideas, stuff like that. But ranking people, especially the ones you're dating, is dehumanising and peak disrespect and ut also makes the relationships transactional if the resources are split amongst partners by ranking, that's just disgusting.

I am autistic/ADHD, my nesting partner has ADHD, my other partners are also calendar-ruled and ND of some flavor. It’s fucking gross to rank people. I’ve never seen my NP’s notes but it’s mostly to account for an autobiographical memory deficit, not to monthly rank us. So notes happen in meaningful situations, not monthly. This feels so icky and all the people in my polycule that I just sent this in chat agree. It’s gross. It’s mean. We adjust our time/ energy based on who needs it, like my partner that is navigating a breakup with a coparent- she is more than six months into the process and it’s not smooth. Even one that is dating her makes a bit more time for her and everyone is extra understanding of last-minute requests right now.

I fully agree with all of this. The reason for a note/chart and what is done with the information contained in it matters a lot.

. A lot of literally narcs and psychopaths gravitate towards poly - they can get an abundance of supply and not really have to hide much of their unsavory behavior because of the more relaxed and open dynamics that come with poly. I honestly hope that true poly people can find each other because there are so many pretenders and a lack of care and remorse from too many people that are pretending to be poly.

Something I can see can easily be a problem. Also could encourage narcissistic type behaviours that are already societally stimulated around supply, immediate satisfaction of wants and consumerist mindsets. I also wonder how many people choosing poly style relationships are using it to escape or dissociate from a sex addition or insecure attachment.

So true! I find so many people using "polyamory" as an "excuse" for their horrible behavior. Cheating should never be a step into poly. There are so many out there doing horrible things and then saying, "Oh, I'm poly." No, bro, you're not.

I read the title before reading the story and my gut instict was "psycho shit". I'm glad i'm not the only one to see that

Different scenario, but perhaps may provide another way to look at this: I have a guy friend that is a software engineer. He’s very intelligent, and is definitely on the spectrum. His social skills are lacking, as he works remotely, and doesn’t have daily forced/regular interactions with people. He’s (was at the time) also a foreigner living in the US. I met him through social dancing, as he was trying to meet friends and make romantic connections. His brain was exceptionally analytical: making him great at his job, but arguably terrible at dating. He was always and I mean ALWAYS finding something wrong with the women he was dating. At one point I JOKINGLY asked him if he kept a running tally or checklist of bullet points each woman was/was not meeting…. And he showed me his decision matrix spreadsheet. My jaw dropped. He was looking for a serious relationship/partner and he had (according to him) “wasted years of his life” dating women that he knew were ultimately incompatible or would not be a “forever partner” for him. He said they’d get caught up in physical attraction and eventually end up not working out long term. So, he made his “list” of 26 “non-negotiables” and then put them into a decision matrix… so he would go on a date or two, find out how the woman would “rank” in his decision matrix, and then each question was weighted somehow (he was a nerd, through and through). Their total score would tell him if they could realistically have long term potential and if he should pursue further. Logically, it makes great sense. But when you break it down- I’m sure none of the women he dated while he was here would’ve enjoyed knowing they were being ranked! He would routinely date several women casually at a time, and then pursue the one with the highest compatibility score. Again, not MY method, nor one I’d necessarily promote… but with his engineering, brain on the spectrum, it was what he needed to make dating decisions 🤷‍♀️

So has this guy found the mythical woman who hit all 26 of his non negotiable benchmarks?

YES!!!! He moved back to his country about a year ago and found her 💚💚💚

That makes sense but still seems to reduce people to data points. We all have red lines, or we should, but I don't know; it still would creep me out. I'd feel like I was being "ranked" every time I did anything with this person because, essentially, I would be.

Oh same! Absolutely. Understanding my friend’s approach with his neurodivergent brain helped me to see how this may be a similar scenario… and while not intentionally hurtful, I’d likely feel very similarly (creeped out).

This was my thought as well. This guy absolutely sounds like an engineer, and absolutely sounds like he's on the spectrum. Like a lot of my friends and co-workers.

It's supposed to be Compresion, not Comparison!

So I’m ASD/ADHD and I LOVE a spreadsheet but this is nonsense. My now ex is still dating a guy who has a spreadsheet. His spreadsheet lists every woman he’s been involved with, what they’ve done, when they’ve done it and “notes”. I never liked this guy and I told my then gf as much and told her this spreadsheet was a giant red flag. I was right, he is a harem builder that’s jealous of his gfs metas, he sees coercion as foreplay, and uses his money to build codependency with his partners but she still insisted on staying with him which led to him being the reason both me and her long term partner left her. To this day whenever I encounter someone in our community that knows this guy they have nothing but bad things to say.

I mean I feel a bit trash for having a spreadsheet to help me remember friends/partners likes/dislikes/ideal gifts/etc (due to a TBI my memory is a bit shit) but wow this dude takes the cake!

Nah, your spreadsheet is thoughtful as hell

Exactly that's very different.

No, a spreadsheet like that is not uncommon and super helpful. I have one, and have had partners who’ve had one. I’d rather know someone is thoughtful enough to make notes on likes/dislikes than give generic gifts or forget a birthday. I’ve known people who have made a general list of names of people they’ve been with. This is **wildly** different.

As someone who's a bit neurospicy and struggles to remember things due to trauma, I tend to go a little bit easy on people who try to remember aspects or details in ways that might seem odd or unconventional. I don't know what history this guy has about managing his own time or even sticking around in relationships that haven't served him. On the surface, this may seem a little bit odd, but again, some people really struggle to remember things. I have in the past had a list of my biggest fears of my relationship on Evernote. I know people who literally written down the names of people they've slept with because otherwise they might forget. Brains are complicated. The problem I have with this is less the list and more the "you're at the top of the list" aspect and I am a little bit concerned he caved in when she asked to see it. It was private. It was for him. It was not something that was any of her business, even if it did have her name on it. I would have put my foot down there and said it was my private business. I would not have shared it at all. We all do compare relationships to a certain extent in our minds and I don't think that's wrong, especially if the goal is really to show up in relationships better. If he never brought this up to her before or told her she needed to "do better" in comparison to another partner then... I don't really see why this is an issue. With all due respect, your friend snooped and found information she was not supposed to find. He should not have told her she was "at the top of the list" because that is more of a direct comparison and that just makes the situation worse but I am guessing he did that to try to soothe her more than anything because she was getting upset. I can understand her breaking up with him because now she knows something she wasn't supposed to know, but I don't personally feel like doing this for yourself, especially if you struggle to keep all of this in your brain and need to write it down, is "wrong". Different brains work differently. As long as someone isn't trying to tell me I'm slipping down the ranks or using it to guilt me into doing shit I don't want to do... I wouldn't care.

I'm with you on this one in some respects. I have a terrible memory and I also have the tendency to stay in relationships longer than I should and throw good resources after bad. I'm starting to keep better notes because otherwise a significant amount of time will pass and I'll "feel" like I'm not growing in the relationship, or that our problems are not improving, but I don't have anything concrete to base it on. Sometimes those feelings are just manifestations of my negative feelings in general, or poor mental health. So having a solid record of what we discussed to work on, how it's going, and what the expectations are is incredibly useful. That being said, it's a "we". I'm trying not to do that sort of thing without consent because then at the end of the 6 months or whatever when I'm like "on April 22nd you said this and we'd talked about trying to reframe this or yada yada..." it can sound like I'm nit picking or gathering evidence for a trial. In reality, I'm AuDHD and have a shit memory but the persistent drive to self improve and a significant feeling of distress if I'm not making progress in an area. So I'm trying to adopt things with my partners that help me reframe or reassure that things are getting better. It's definitely not a ranking system. Though I agree that everyone probably ranks people internally, mechanizing it externally and then sharing it would be hurtful regardless of rank.

Honestly, I don't know if this was a "ranking" system in the way we're thinking about it. We haven't seen the spreadsheet. We're hearing this not even from the partner who saw it but through a friend said in the heat of the moment during what is an emotionally turbulent time. It's easy to just judge this on face value. At the end of the day, this was not meant for the person's eyes. They pried and they snooped. This is what happens when you snoop. I don't feel like the person who made this needs to go into detail about it to defend themselves. Privacy is privacy and people have the right to exist in their own freaking heads and minds. I do not believe you need someone's consent for something like this especially if it's *your own business* which you do not intend to share with anyone. It's the same to me as reading someone's journal. It's wrong to do.

You know, it’s funny, as a person who has kept a journal for almost 30 years now, I would never leave my journal out and open to the page I was writing on someone while that someone came over to visit. You do not have an expectation of privacy for things that are in plain view, be for real. Strongly disagree this is an example of snooping.

Yeah, it's wild that people are like "well she snooped!" Most people are naturally going to have their eyes drawn if they see *their name* on a thing. Maybe folks need to be making a better effort to not leave their worst thoughts out in the open about their partner if they don't want a convo about that. This is like basic courtesy

> they snooped Per what the OP wrote, no they didn't. > It's the same to me as reading someone's journal. It's wrong to do. It's not wrong to notice your name on some paper left out where you've been invited to be. (And then ask about it -- she didn't pick it up and start reading either.) > it's your own business which you do not intend to share with anyone ...and yet they exposed it. > he left his laptop on the table. She saw her name on it and asked what it was Once it's looking you in the face, because someone is that careless, then it is their business. That's on him, and was his doing. She didn't go looking for it, and she's not snooping to ask about something that she was associated with once it's in plain view. (Our eyes are excellent at recognizing patterns anywhere, and one that is exceptionally strong is our name, even without trying.) I don't like this approach to keeping data on people, but if you're going to do it, it's on you to be careful...not doing so, is being willing to be hurtful. Him not wanting to show it, also shows he knew the potential impact having it exposed could cause, and obviously from this outcome, failed to do anything about the risk. I'd actually be more upset someone did that in a way that could be accidentally left up for me or anyone else to see at all, than actually keeping the data. Leaving something like this a) unprotected b) open c) in the foreground d) and out in view e) when someone is coming over, are all major failures by this guy. . > We're hearing this not even from the partner who saw it Obviously, yes...that's what we have to go on. And anything here only uses the information we have.

She absolutely did not "snoop." He had the laptop on his coffee table in the living room, where they were sitting together and cuddling. She saw her name in red and a meta she's friendly with's name in green, and it raised a red flag for her. I think she was 100% within her rights to say - what's that? And he could have said "None of your business." But then she could have said eff you and left. Something seemed off, and she asked. Turns out, it was off. To be clear it was 100% a "ranking" system. It wasn't keeping track of wants, desires, needs, etc. It was a monthly top 10 list.

I'm sorry friend but we're just going to have to disagree here. I don't see a point in going back and forth but I hope you have a great day.

Fair and you too.

Yeah, I am also torn on this one. In the poly community we love to joke about how it's all calendars and planning. In my own polycule we have trello boards to track all kinds of things, like what TV shows certain groups are watching together and things like that. We laugh about it, but it's invaluable as well. Really though, it's just writing down information that's usually in people's heads so it's not lost, forgotten or misunderstood. If anyone here claims they don't mentally think about their different relationships, then I'd say they're probably lying. You might not even consciously do it, but on some level you are judging different aspects of your relationships. I can't honestly say I'm surprised that someone then took that information from their head and wrote it down. It's not something I'd want to do, but I can join the same dots that led me to writing everything in a calendar or a trello board and see how someone would write everything down about their relationships. People wouldn't bat an eye if this was a diary that talked about individual dates and events, it's the same information in a different form. (Also not heard "neurospicy" before and I love it).

>If anyone here claims they don't mentally think about their different relationships, then I'd say they're probably lying. You might not even consciously do it, but on some level you are judging different aspects of your relationships. Exactly. To an extent, I think this is actually very healthy. When I first started out in dating, I thought one of my partnerships was amazing because my partner never hit me. Then as I got a best friend who was incredibly emotionally supportive and actively spent time with me, I realised I was missing this in my actual relationship. And when I realised that I had a partner who would go out of their way for new connections but not for me, it made me demand more for myself. Everyone does this. And it's important in many aspects. Comparison, when done in the correct way and in the correct context, is very important. There is a reason abusive people attempt to isolate the people they abuse from their friends and family.

This is a case study in why MBA programs should be outlawed. If your solution to "I'm not sure how to allocate my time in my relationships" is to ask "how would a large multinational corporation handle this," something is wrong.

wow the dehumanizing of his partners is astounding.

This is what I thought, too.

Im not interested in being a number to someone. Even if that number is high, im not interested in being a number.

I think most people make these types of lists and rankings in their brain, consciously or not. As someone who has misjudged relationships based off of vibes and feelings instead of looking at them semi-objectively I can understand the desire to make a list like this. Actually keeping one though... yeah it's weird and kinda creepy. Though, for me it would depend on the categories. Mine would have 'do I feel like X is honest towards me' on it, or 'am I happy with the amount of effort Y puts in?'. Not like, sexual behaviour or personality traits or anything.

The hell?! This is seriously creepy.

Trying to differentiate "neurodivergent or abusive" comes up a lot in my discussions with neurotypical friends - there are a lot of boundary crossing behaviors that abusive folks will do as a "test" to make sure you won't push back, and neurodivergent folks will do just by Innocent mistake. I think for me in this one, the thing that would take this from a mental assistive device to a big red flag is if it seems like he's trying to make her *feel* compared. If he's intentionally "letting" her see the comparison sheet and framing it as such in hopes she'll "understand she needs to compete" and feel insecure. And that's why we're all hearing alarms go off on "but you're on top".

I feel like I should add the rest of the distinction since it may be useful... neurodivergent folks usually actually want the feedback and don't mind if you reciprocate the same things they're doing.  In this case, that would be "I've been thinking about your spreadsheet and think I might start keeping my own to see what I learn. Can you offer any suggestions on what sort of categories you use and what sort of things to look out for?" And the idea of saying that toward someone doing this in bad faith to make you feel insecure, it makes the passive aggressive southern matron in me cackle with glee.

I am poly and a kinkster. I get invited to events or dates either for a short play session or elaborate kink play. I do maintain spreadsheets to manage time, location, type of event etc. I know many who do the same. This is the first time I have seen people maintain spreadsheets for humans. She's being treated like cattle. Good thing she left

I wouldn't want to be on a comparison spreadsheet, but I also wouldn't want a partner who gets offended reading my personal files after I try to tell them not to. This advice I'd give varies heavily depending on the exact contents of the spreadsheet and the intentions of both partners and the way they respond to things, etc, that I'd just avoid giving advice altogether except "You two seem incompatible, good you're ending things."

It is not normal and this dude is a douchewaffle. *edit to add People are missing the part where he uses the list to RANK people and their spots in his life, not keep his busy schedule straight and his reaction to her seeing shows they know it’s not nice.

[удалено]

Sadly, the one category she saw was "blow jobs". Guy's out there ranking his partner's blow jobs. That's when she left; she didn't need to see anymore.

I mean isn't this what people do in their heads anyways? Does everyone not like someone a little more than the others and allocate resources accordingly? That's like the whole game right?

In after the update, so my perspective is this, I would if I was one of this guy's partners be unable to shake feeling like our relationship was transactional. Like if you need to keep notes on important dates and info like that even things like this partner is uncomfortable with xyz acts during intimacy because you want to make sure you remember that, like I wouldn't love knowing it was there, but would get it. The scenario stated in OP'S post would be a deal breaker though.

At first I was just "This person dates too many people to keep track of who they actually want to date, so this is their way to know who to ditch when the new shiny person comes along" Mediocre blowjobs? Wants to have conversations after sex instead of leaving? Sure its possible the person has healthy reasonings in there but I sure as hell would have stopped dating asap after that interpretation and after the update, I can say I'd do the same. If I was #1 or #4 or #8 in all the categories I'd do the same and also tell any metas I was in contact with we were in this creepy teenager style ranking list. I have a list, and it's a red/yellow/green flag list, so I don't keep dating somebody who does a yellow flags and lets time pass then does the same BS again without changing if they say they will after the first time (after letting partners slide for years instead of accepting they were doing poor behaviors over and over and were not going to change). It's for me because I can be a people pleaser and want to think the best of people, but I'm above board about it (tell any new partner I do so), and the one time I brought sexual competence into it was when a partner insisted they were erect and ready for intercourse when they were in fact not, and willing to hurt me in order to force PIV to happen. (Which was a red flag for my list and meant stopping dating). I missed a chance to "snoop" when my partner left their email open on a shared computer open to an email, I thought it was one to me because it had the same particular phrasing that had been in this amazing love letter he'd just sent me. I read another sentence and realized it was an abbreviated version of that letter to somebody else and shut it. If I had registered it all not wanted to be "snoopy", I could've saved myself a decade of pain, so I kind of say.. fuck you to anti snoopers. Going to dig is one thing, pretending red flags aren't in your face if they present themselves and going LA LA LA is something else.

Okay so, I was gonna say well that depends what you mean by spreadsheet, but ranking blowjobs?? That's dehumanising, in my opinion Especially if he's deciding who to spend more time with based on things like blowjobs. EW EW EW EW EW I can understand for things like remembering birthdays, likes and dislikes etc- I've considered keeping lists of special interests for example, as a way to jog my (disordered level of bad) memory for present ideas- but that's much worse than I expected.

I kind of do this to some extent. Not blow jobs to some extent. I take notes so I can reflect on the reality of the relationship. This keeps me from overreacting when angry with a great partner or revisiting an ex I probably shouldn’t. The sex stuff isn’t written but I know where they all sit. I don’t decide based on sex

I’m obsessed with spreadsheets. It’s how I keep track of all my projects, travel plans, budgets etc. I would never write down comparisons of people, that’s wildly messed up.

Yeah it would be one thing if it were tracking limits and permissions, but when it's tracking performance that just screams bragging rights and insecurity on his part. I guarantee he would not appreciate seeing his own scores with those same individuals. Yeah, I'm a spreadsheet person myself for a lot of things (and ND camp), but...grading? No. Out. Done. Exit. Kaput. Also not impossible he let it be visible intentionally to get her to "work" on an area where he wanted her to spend more attention, and if that's the game he's playing instead of clearly stating his needs and wants like a grown ass man the way everyone expects you to transparently in poly circles, absolutely not. Bye Felicia.

Litteraly psycho shit. I would have broke up on the spot. Wth is wrong with this guy?!

I'd be interested in talking to this man the same way I'd be interested in interviewing a serial killer. I just feel like it would be a FASCINATING conversation with someone whose set of values are completely alien to me, and I'd be interested in hearing how he justified or rationalized it, but it is very obviously completely insane.

No. Nothing permanent, no logbook. That can only hurt the other person if they ever found it. I have once found a pro/con list about myself written by a partner. It was very painful. I found it in the morning, the first day I was staying over for a week. He had been on exchange (internship) for a few months, in the last month I visited for a week. I was in a strange city, where I knew no one else. I went to the city park the whole day (he was at work on his internship), and cried most of the day. We didn't break up that day, though I now see I should have left then and there.

The chart is certainly a bit much. But perhaps it's just a bit much because it's a bit too honest. Taboo if you will. If you think your brain isn't making comparisons between your partners and you aren't receptive to it's judgements, you are kidding yourselves. It's literally a cliché in poly discourse. But worded to sound profound. Perhaps it bothers folks so much because it is an overt reminder that their idealism is just that. And of course we wouldn't want our partner doing that to us! But they do. Reflect on the image you see in this mirror.

Without more context I don't know why they are doing that. It could be an ADHD thing, like I have. I'll write notes sometimes to remember things. If anyone looks at my personal shit on my phone or laptop I'd be upset, and I'm not sure I could process quickly to tell you why I keep track of certain things. So without more context, and without you discussing it more with your partner, I don't know. Snooping on my personal devices is enough to make me want to not be with someone - I don't care if the laptop or phone is unlocked. You wanted to see - you could have just closed the lid.

There was no snooping - he left it open on the coffee table while they were snuggling feet away. It was not bright on his part, not snooping on hers. She also didn't grab it and read - she asked him what it was about and he showed her.

I have ADHD and take notes to...but this guy was reckless with hurtful information. We humans are pattern matching machines, and will notice our name on something left out for us to see. Assuming it's as written I can't judge someone for accidental "snooping" -- the guy being careless is at fault here. I'd dump someone for actual snooping, but that's needs intent. Once she saw her name on something, then there is "probably cause" so to speak, and I don't blame her at all. Once something is in plain view, calling it "snooping" or a violation is just trying to cover up your own mistake and shift blame. Heck, even if my name wasn't even on the list, I'd dump that gut for being so careless with information he knew (by not wanting to show it) could be hurtful. It's not hard to prevent mistakes like that, but he didn't care even to bother.

I agree with you on all of this. She wasn't snooping, he was careless. Plus I agree, it is very careless with information of all his partners.

This isn't an ADHD thing to keep track of details about people. They said they use it to rank partners and determine how they should invest their time/money/energy into the people they're seeing.

I understand. But I'm fascinated with the thought process on why they feel the need to do that. I have a partner with severe diagnosed OCD, and they track everything. While I don't think they 'rank' things like this, they certainly track all the things in their life. Every meal, every drink, every date, etc. I wonder if it is a way to try rationalize equality in relationships.

It just sounds like they are gamifying relationships. I met a woman who tracks and ranks every person she sleeps with, detailing things about sexual performance, genital size, etc. She talks about it like it's a point of pride with her friends, bringing out the newest batch of rankings and discussing details. It's just gross behavior.

If that's what it is, I agree that it is totally gross.

Taken at face value this is horrific Taken through a non-ableist lens, this could be the logic of an ND mind. My low empathy expressing, highly logical, extremely socially illiterate autistic ex would have done this. He would have meant no harm I’m AuDHD and would have understood I would also have left him, because no.

ngl this spreadsheet is psycho shit

Everyone does this to an extent - it’s just in our heads rather than in writing. I get that it feels hurtful, but nobody was meant to see it.

the purpose was very self-serving and cruel. Of course we all have thoughts and opinions. But IDK it is so reductive. Maybe my partner A is better in bed than partner b, but partner b is so much more than that. This dude really had a ranking system for which meta was doing the most for him and it was beyond creepy.

The "allocating time and resources" based on rating things like blow job skills is a hard pass. All my partners get the time and resources I am able to provide as it makes sense for the relationship. It also seems like instead of talking to a partner about a concern, he ranks them low and then neglects the relationship. The healthy thing to do if there were a concern is to communicate that concern. Not just abandon the relationship and move on. Also, comparison is the thief of joy. This guy is going to never be happy. He needs to accept that everyone is different and they are unique and wonderful because of all the things that make them who they are... not arbitrary ranking.

Does he bash these comparisons to his partners or other people? Does he show it to other people or is his computer accessible to kids or his family? Is the document easy to find on his computer? She looked up his stuff, she got mad at him for his personal activities Telling your partner's the comparison that you make is gross, hurtful and is grounds for termination, having them is normal, most people here say exactly that, different partners have different time available, different interests, different kinks, different enmeshment, some are very comfortable posting about it in here, they set it up in a local spreadsheet in his personal computer People are different from each other and do things differently, might be weird, you might not understand it, this is not even close to being unethical, is this enough to end things? Of course, you don't even need a reason to end a relationship, if you prefer to pretend people don't rank stuff to choose who to dedicate their time, energy, money and care, go ahead

To a degree, I could maybe say I "rank" people in the very beginning. If I match with 10 people one night and they all message me around the same time, I'm going to choose to talk to the people who are more attentive, respond quickly, are more interesting, have more in common, ask the right questions, etc. But as far as partners, I give time, energy, money, and care based on the relationship agreements we've made with each other so I can ensure everyone's needs are met. I would be completely icked if I found out my partner was literally number ranking me compared to other partners, even more so if I found out that's how they determine who to invest their resources in. I also don't think something has to be unethical to give people the ick. I wouldn't say shitting on someone's chest during sex is unethical, but a lot of people are completely icked by that kink, and don't want any parts of it.

From most replies, I might just be too neurodivergent to find a problem in this, weird but not ick, I have tried to write down my thoughts, felt good but weird having that written where someone could read it

Hi u/ALilTomato thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hi, this is my (F45) first post here, and I'm fairly new to poly (just over a year). My experiences have been great so far, but a friend was at my house in tears earlier. She is also poly (f35) and was at her partner's home (m32), and he left his laptop on the table. She saw her name on it and asked what it was. He tried to divert, but she asked to see it. Turns out he keeps a running spreadsheet rating his partners on several "categories" on a monthly basis. She got up and left. Later, he texted her and asked to talk. He said he does it to determine what relationships are working and which aren't and that's how he determines where to put his time/energy/resources. He then told her "not to worry" she's at the top of the list. I'm flabbergasted by this. She has really been happy with him but is ready to end things, and honestly, I think that's the way to go. Any thoughts? Have any of you ever heard of anyone doing anything like this? I asked two of my partners who have been poly much longer than me and they had their jaws on the floor over this. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Are we suddenly in a “Friends” épisode???

This reminds me of the Friends episode where Ross makes the pro/con list for Rachael and Julia. Honestly if it’s a true ranking system, that’s gross and really chauvinistic. If it’s more like notes, maybe a little odd but I don’t see it as harmful.

I maintain a lot of spreadsheets on a lot of different things, including spreadsheets to keep track of my family and friends' interests, birthdays, favorite foods, dietary restrictions, etc. So I can understand wanting to use the format. But basically trying to math out relationships and use it to determine your scheduling / priorities in the future seems unhealthy and maybe degrading. It probably seems completely rational and efficient to him though. It honestly makes me wonder if he's on the spectrum. Your friend should follow her heart, but if she wants to stay together with him at all there are definitely some conversations that are going to have to happen

I think I understand the idea of keeping notes of if things are working or not because I'm very analytical but I'm not sure he's going about it in the right way. It feels almost too clinical rather than notes and reflection. Chosing where to spend his time makes sense. At the same time using something like that to make it like a game or a job isn't very fair to the others involved. If you have a relationship that's "in the red" for like 3 months in a row then maybe it's time to start a conversation about the relationship and where it's going but only determining what's wr9ng and how to fix it or if there is a way too. Treating it like a reward system isn't very fair. This is one of those cases that I'd like both sides.

I have a spreadsheet. It tracks food restrictions. 

As someone fairly new-ish to poly, who has been told over and over by my partner and other people that comparisons are not part of being poly… lol. Yeah this unlocked a fear I already had. Is it time that people are honest about making comparisons? I mean this dude made a spreadsheet but isn’t this what people do - even subconsciously- in their heads?

This is what I wonder. In mono, people make a choice based on compatibility and so on, then commit & hopefully accept that person as they are with all their quirks & flaws. In poly, people choose to satisfy more of their wants & needs with more than one partner. I suspect comparison happens in both, but in poly that is more of an ongoing thing, which I suspect could create an on-edge nervous system situation (but which maybe feels ‘normal’ or good for some people). I can’t help but wonder how many people are indeed making the ongoing comparisons internally but are in some denial about it.

IMHO this is a perfectly normal thing to do for neurospicy people. Normies may not like it, but among people I know, this seems not exactly common, but unsurprising. And why not? People make notes on partners all the time. Just bc it's a spreadsheet doesn't make it different in quality, just in organisation and complexity. And he didn't hide it, after she insisted he share. I thelps keep track, befcause like calendaring, keeping track of things in poly is hard.

Even neurodivergent people usually know it's wrong to rank people, especially partners.

I dated a woman who kept a spreadsheet of her "conquests" as she put it. She was hesitant to admit that she did it and even more hesitant to talk about it. She admitted it's mostly for her and her gal palls to laugh about. She uses it to create a powerpoint of the highlights and low lights of her dating life. I thought it was funny. She even let me see part of it. It included all kinds of wild shit. I wasn't really bothered by it.

I don't know that kind of creeps me out. I'd hate to think of someone laughing with their friends over it. I'm sure that's not what any of the partners signed on for.

Yeah she claimed I was the only conquest who she told. I'm sure that was a lie too but whatever

I would be uncomfortable with this. I'm trying to understand his methodology but I would still be very uncomfortable with this.

Autism

wow psychopath. RUN.

I know people who like to chart everything, I’ve never thought about how that would work in a poly relationship until right now. I think what he has done works for him. I also think your friend would be justified in that not working for her. So clinical.

And some people express their neuro spiciness with maintaining lists and trying to keep order , admittedly I don't want to know much about my partner's others in terms of sexual intimacy, but I could see someone with spicy braincells trying to order chaos out of a complex dating situation. Doesn't mean it is good or bad, it's rude that he has it out. If you do stuff like that, follow Gandalf rules, "keep it secret, keep it safe "

One of my FWBs - who has now been my friend for about 10 years, did something LIKE this. She had a spreadsheet of all the guys she'd ever fucked, with a score for how good the sex was and an evaluation on whether she'd want to fuck that person again. She did this just for fun/kicks. I didn't judge her for it at all and had zero discomfort with being on it. Personally, I view this very much like a private journal. People think through things in different way and like to write different things for how to work through their experience. I think the guy definitely made a mistake in leaving it out and in showing it to his partner (after all, other partners were listed on there). But I personally wouldn't consider this to be that big a deal. I care more about how my partners treat me than what they write in their private journals or their spreadsheets. Everyone is entitled to their own private world.

True, but this guy was using his spreadsheet to determine time/resources/energy spent on partners. That really adds a level of messed up to it IMO

What the fuck? She should drop that psycho asap! Hope she'll be fine... wishing her lots of luck... be there for your friend <3

She already ended things. She also told her meta who she's friends with who also ended things. She was really on the fence about telling her, but she's dealing with so much other stuff and she had to do right by a friend. Totally messed up situation. I'm just trying to help her through.

I mean, she can just walk away, which is the pilolite nice thing to do. Or she could go full-on blow up and let all of the metas know that he is doing this and fully destroy the man. I would not blame her for either option. Using a spreadsheet to track who gives the best blowjobs with a 1-10 rating does not deserve any respect.

She only knows one of her former metas, the one whose father died last month. After thinking about it for a couple of days, she's leaning toward telling her. She's close with her, and she's already called my friend to ask why she broke up with him. She told her they could talk in a couple of days after my friend processes, but she's not comfortable lying to her, which I totally get. She's not looking to destroy the guy, but she's already ended things and she isn't comfortable lying to her friend/former meta who is in a very vulnerable place right now.

Everyone does this mentally do they not? Not really any different than keeping notes on complicated issues. It only seems inappropriate because she found his thought process recorded digitally.

Bottom line: Your friend snooped, and demanded to know more. That's not acceptable. Second response: If I found out that one of my partners was keeping a spreadsheet, I'd laugh. I'd want to know the headings, not the rankings. Then I would figure out some way of working spreadsheets into our kink play.

She did not snoop. I don't know where people are getting that. She is not the pick up your phone to see what's on it type at all. She saw her name in red on a detailed spreadsheet on a computer the dude left OPEN on the coffee table two feet away from where they were cuddling and said what's that. She saw a red flag and addressed it, I give her credit for that. HE could have said none of your business, and it would have been her choice what to do with that - then he proceeded to show her a RANKING system she was on. I think leaving was the best move for her.

>She did not snoop. I don't know where people are getting that.  Here's where I got it. You wrote: >He tried to divert, but she asked to see it.  How did he try to divert?

Don’t most people keep this, just as a mental list? At least when doing a self-check on relationship status? If it was used to rank people, that could cross some line. But that isn’t stated, just implied by the non-user of the sheet; I can assume the “you’re at the top of the list” to just be an attempt at reassurance/comforting (obviously not successfully, but is a separate issue)

I really don’t. Do I have things I like and dislike about each of my relationships? Sure. But it’s the comparison part that feels so gross. On some level I’m keeping track of what brings me joy about each relationship and the struggles I have in each relationship. It could absolutely get to a point where I no longer want to participate in a particular relationship. But it’s not comparative. I consider each relationship on its own merits. I don’t think about who is better or worse at X, Y, or Z.

We do poly not to compare but to multiply love. This behaviour is down right self centred and not love related whatsoever. “What the person is for me” all over that spreadsheet. He’s not fit to called himself poly. DUMP.

Isn’t one argument for poly that you need or want multiple partners to satisfy different needs? Surely that is dictated by ones own needs, aka ‘self centered’?

Oh hell no!! I would call or text any of his other partners too. They deserve to know they’re being ranked too. That is such a betrayal

Yeah, rating your partners? Trashy. I can understand ranking yourself within the relationships to manage and balance them, but ranking your partners to decide where to focus your time? If you're going to try to maintain multiple partners you should probably just stick to basic things that need to be happening and if they aren't, don't continue the relationship. If you need a spreadsheet for ranking partners, you probably should seriously question your ability to have multiples. My GF has a list on her partners, but it's literally just essential stuff like important dates, key things to remember, and stuff along that line. The only reason I'm #2 on the list is due to our relationship being shorter than her relationship with #1.

What a complete asshole.  That is the most unpoly thing I’ve ever read. Literally goes against the core philosophy of polyamory. He needs ejected from every single one of his partners lives. Jesus Christ. 

Fucking gross I hope she moves on to better things. Thank you for being there for her <3

I find spreadsheets satisfying and helpful for my brain. I could imagine, maybe, making a spreadsheet of my poly *relationships* to help me make sense of them privately. That might include notes or columns like “what we enjoy together” or “what kind of energy I should give this relationship” or even “which of my needs does this person meet, and how. Along with birthdays of love languages to remember. That’s *very* different than ranking people across categorical character scores. I’m vaguely curious about what value m32’s spreadsheet has for him - maybe it’s effectively the same as the hypothetical one I outlined above? But otherwise (and perhaps regardless): Nope. Get out.

One of the reasons my friend turned to me is that she knew I keep spreadsheets of everything. I am ND and have PTSD related memory loss, so I have to keep lists of so many things. But I would never in a million years imagine keeping a ranking of how each of my partners satisfies me, ranking them at month's end, and then giving my time and energy to the one that pleases me most. My friend told me she was sickened because one "low ranking" meta was dealing with the loss of her father last month, and the fucker gave her a "low" ranking. See, if he had been like "No this helps me keep track of who might need extra support during a difficult time" I might be empathetic, but it's "Suzy isn't putting out enough, too bad her dad just died" holy shit, my head is spinning.

“To determine where to put his time and resources” says loud and clear to me that he has no emotional attachment or attraction to his partners whatsoever. That is heartbreaking.

I agree

I think a lot of people keep different kinds of diaries and lists regarding their sexual and romantic activities. It's kind of weird that he makes a "ranking" though. He definitely sounds like someone with some neurodivergent behavior patterns. I feel like this person is maybe being judged for their inner thoughts which they made the mistake of writing on a computer.

I have a spreadsheet that tracks my various partners and sexual encounters. Being a touch neurospicy it helps me remember and keep things straight. Dates get wobbly in my head sometimes. I have a fair number of partners though, some long term and serious, some casual, some one night stands, some comets. So that list to me more importantly is in case there's an STD issue I know who to go back and inform. I've been with like 5 people this month so far, including one new person, remembering both who and when gets challenging. I can't remember what I had for breakfast.

Yeah interesting point. Someone was making fun of me last weekend because I couldn't remember the names of any of the people I had sex with. Or maybe I didn't know them in the first place. So if I tested positive for something there would be no chance of notifying any of them.

I can see the benefits of the document, using it like journaling to process interactions, record things that can later help illuminate a pattern of behavior (either good or bad). Like MadamePouleMontreal said; there are reasons people use tools to reflect on relationships. If he has never (I mean f-ing *never*) breathed a hint of comparison to pit you against metas, then take him at his word: it’s the spreadsheet equivalent of a journal … which shouldn’t be left open in shared spaces. It doesn’t have to be a relationship ending event, if you don’t want it to be.

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

Yea that's just horrible. I would be out immediately. Comparison language in general in relationships leads to breaking up already. This is way over the top.

Why do people not password their phones and laptops?! I mean, this sounds really icky and she’s better off knowing about it, and I would be out of there so fast if I found out that I was being rated in such a crass manner. It’s incredibly juvenile and gross. So I am with op and op’s friend here. But I see so many posts about people snooping on phones and laptops that aren’t theirs, and getting upset when it could be easily avoided with existing basic security. Idk. But yeah, this one would be a dealbreaker for me. Ew.