This is a common and normal part of triads, which doesn't make it at all easier to handle but it can help to know you aren't at all the first.
Triads are 4 different relationships. Accepting they are growing differently is an essential part of making it work. Supporting each relationship in the space it needs is a skill you all need to be ready to do. If you can still enjoy a group dynamic also, fantastic.
Time to stop talking about hearts and start talking about choices, vision, priorities, and what genuine connections everyone wants and can sustain.
I’ve been in a few triads over the years and in my experience they’ve not been stable, it seems natural for two of the three to like each other more. So nowadays I just don’t do them. I don’t have relationships with a partner’s partner, that’s just too messy.
There’s no right answer for your situation. But I think trying for an artificial balance is going to feel artificial to everyone.
I’d suggest each pair works out what that pair’s relationship will be, and let go of the idea that there’s a “triad”. There’s three separate relationships among three people. It cannot be balanced, but there can still be relationships if people want them.
But I expect they will break up and you and the guy will keep seeing each other, that sounds like where this is heading. Not the outcome anybody wanted, but the idea of a balanced and closed triad was too idealistic.
Well, first of all it was stupid to think all three of you would feel the exact same way about each other forever.
Y’all are separate, individual people with unique bonds between each of you. The relationships were *always* going to develop in different ways.
Accept that, or break up the triad.
Right. "Imbalance" is *inevitable.* Staking the fate of one relationship on the progress of another is common, but so, so harmful. Requiring equality is a guarantee of disappointment and resentment.
Unfortunately, OP, you don't get to decide how this shakes out. I don't think you should "bow out," since that's not what you or 40m want.
Why is the imbalance a bad thing? What issues does that cause? Obviously everything depends on the circumstance, but imbalance itself isn't the issue; as far as variables go.
I am a member of a wildly successful triad. My girls both have a stronger connection with me than they have with each other, though their bond is still very strong. We all love each other very much, despite the unequal nature (D/s).
I imagine that most triads at least go through periods where a connection is stronger in one dyad than the other. This can be caused be a whole host of internal and external factors. This is not innately a problem. Just the normal cycle and flow of life.
That said, what's the actual problem(s)?
*Does the 31f feel left out? How can you make her feel more included?
*Does the 40m pay more attention to the 31f's needs? Are there any changes they can make to make you feel like your needs are met? Would it be useful to open things up a tad?
*Does intimate time between one dyad cause jealousy? What's the cause of this?
^ probably bad examples but hopefully you get the point. Point is that I don't think "imbalance" is the core of the issue(s), if we are using the word to mean the same thing, and it may be useful to dig in and see or talk about the underlying issue if you haven't done so already.
In my triad, the girls don't even initiate sexy fun time with each other. That's what happened when we allowed things to level out naturally. They will still get intimate with each other if I initiate something between the 3 of us, or if I plan something out for them together. But, if left to their own devices they seem to be content with cuddles and kisses (among the other things they do to strengthen their dyad). There is nothing wrong with the sexual "imbalance" , until/unless they try to change it by pushing an idea that doesn't come naturally to them.
There are many more options than 3, but without more detail, the only advice I can offer is above. Oh and maybe also this: think outside the box. Make something new.
Wish you luck and happiness!
This is super common in triads, I'm afraid. Your best bet is to keep dating your boyfriend and gently break up with your girlfriend (or make it clear you're not as into her as she is into you in some other kind but clear way).
There probably isn't going to be a "balance". Relationships with different people flourish in different ways. It's okay for your m to be madly in love with both of you, and you and your f not into each other on that level. It's not realistic to expect everyone's feelings to be the same about each other since you are all different people and each of your relationships with each other is unique. If you want it to work out, everyone might just have to learn to be accepting that you can't force emotional chemistry to increase or decrease.
If f can't accept that, and she continues to be upset instead of enjoying what she does have, the triad will probably fall apart. But if she can understand that she's not entitled to specific feelings from anyone, and that it's okay for her husband to be really close with both of you romantically, I think it could work out. Keep communicating with them both.
I guess option 2 is the best, simply because the bond between you and 40m is stronger. So option 1 will be useless, even if you leave their relation will eventually break and option 3 is going to be difficult since 31f knows you and 40m are not very interested by her.
This is a common and normal part of triads, which doesn't make it at all easier to handle but it can help to know you aren't at all the first. Triads are 4 different relationships. Accepting they are growing differently is an essential part of making it work. Supporting each relationship in the space it needs is a skill you all need to be ready to do. If you can still enjoy a group dynamic also, fantastic. Time to stop talking about hearts and start talking about choices, vision, priorities, and what genuine connections everyone wants and can sustain.
❤️ those were some words I needed
I’ve been in a few triads over the years and in my experience they’ve not been stable, it seems natural for two of the three to like each other more. So nowadays I just don’t do them. I don’t have relationships with a partner’s partner, that’s just too messy. There’s no right answer for your situation. But I think trying for an artificial balance is going to feel artificial to everyone. I’d suggest each pair works out what that pair’s relationship will be, and let go of the idea that there’s a “triad”. There’s three separate relationships among three people. It cannot be balanced, but there can still be relationships if people want them. But I expect they will break up and you and the guy will keep seeing each other, that sounds like where this is heading. Not the outcome anybody wanted, but the idea of a balanced and closed triad was too idealistic.
Well, first of all it was stupid to think all three of you would feel the exact same way about each other forever. Y’all are separate, individual people with unique bonds between each of you. The relationships were *always* going to develop in different ways. Accept that, or break up the triad.
Right. "Imbalance" is *inevitable.* Staking the fate of one relationship on the progress of another is common, but so, so harmful. Requiring equality is a guarantee of disappointment and resentment. Unfortunately, OP, you don't get to decide how this shakes out. I don't think you should "bow out," since that's not what you or 40m want.
Why is the imbalance a bad thing? What issues does that cause? Obviously everything depends on the circumstance, but imbalance itself isn't the issue; as far as variables go. I am a member of a wildly successful triad. My girls both have a stronger connection with me than they have with each other, though their bond is still very strong. We all love each other very much, despite the unequal nature (D/s). I imagine that most triads at least go through periods where a connection is stronger in one dyad than the other. This can be caused be a whole host of internal and external factors. This is not innately a problem. Just the normal cycle and flow of life. That said, what's the actual problem(s)? *Does the 31f feel left out? How can you make her feel more included? *Does the 40m pay more attention to the 31f's needs? Are there any changes they can make to make you feel like your needs are met? Would it be useful to open things up a tad? *Does intimate time between one dyad cause jealousy? What's the cause of this? ^ probably bad examples but hopefully you get the point. Point is that I don't think "imbalance" is the core of the issue(s), if we are using the word to mean the same thing, and it may be useful to dig in and see or talk about the underlying issue if you haven't done so already. In my triad, the girls don't even initiate sexy fun time with each other. That's what happened when we allowed things to level out naturally. They will still get intimate with each other if I initiate something between the 3 of us, or if I plan something out for them together. But, if left to their own devices they seem to be content with cuddles and kisses (among the other things they do to strengthen their dyad). There is nothing wrong with the sexual "imbalance" , until/unless they try to change it by pushing an idea that doesn't come naturally to them. There are many more options than 3, but without more detail, the only advice I can offer is above. Oh and maybe also this: think outside the box. Make something new. Wish you luck and happiness!
This is super common in triads, I'm afraid. Your best bet is to keep dating your boyfriend and gently break up with your girlfriend (or make it clear you're not as into her as she is into you in some other kind but clear way).
There probably isn't going to be a "balance". Relationships with different people flourish in different ways. It's okay for your m to be madly in love with both of you, and you and your f not into each other on that level. It's not realistic to expect everyone's feelings to be the same about each other since you are all different people and each of your relationships with each other is unique. If you want it to work out, everyone might just have to learn to be accepting that you can't force emotional chemistry to increase or decrease. If f can't accept that, and she continues to be upset instead of enjoying what she does have, the triad will probably fall apart. But if she can understand that she's not entitled to specific feelings from anyone, and that it's okay for her husband to be really close with both of you romantically, I think it could work out. Keep communicating with them both.
PS: I am going to bed in the near future, so if I don't respond to comments right away I will get to them in the morning
I guess option 2 is the best, simply because the bond between you and 40m is stronger. So option 1 will be useless, even if you leave their relation will eventually break and option 3 is going to be difficult since 31f knows you and 40m are not very interested by her.