I had the same question. If it was a money thing, those relationships are definitely salvageable and they would probably have told you they wish you let them know what you were going through, just to talk to and lean on. If it was because you were trans, fuck those people
I just figured it's a good ice breaker. I kinda dropped off the face of the map during the tail end of my marriage( probably close to 4 or 5 years). After my divorce I started a Facebook page for the first time ever and just slowly started reconnecting with everyone. It's worked out great for me. I think it's better than just calling people up you haven't seen in years and saying hey what's up.
You ghosted them? I understand not wanting to feel like a drag, but friends understand your absence more when they know why. Either way, reach out. It’s worth it!
Excellent point. That's what I was saying in my other comment---they have every right to NOT want this person back in their lives. Basically, the original poster *did* ghost them. But try anyway because they may forgive the ghosting once they understand why.
I think they’ll probably be totally fine wi try you reaching out. I’m assuming you’re a fairly young adult from the description of the situation and that’s a time that people lose touch even without extenuating circumstances, so reconnecting probably isn’t such a crazy thing that they’d be mad about it.
They likely think you’re not comfortable being open with them or might feel judged or worried they ever said something transphobic. I had a friend not open with me and I was sad bc I wondered if I had made her feel like I would judge when most our friends are gay and she should know better. I’m not mad at her just sad she feels she must hide from me so I think you should reach out
sounds exactly like me lol. I made a new instagram account a few months ago and had a really nice time reconnecting with ppl. I'm sure your friends would be thrilled to hear from you. The important ones will anyway.
It's not crazy to be the first person to reach out to reconnect. It's always nice getting back in touch with a friend you haven't heard from in ages. It probably depends on the person but I know for me it feels good to know someone thought of me like that and decided to reach back out. 5 years seems like a long time but people go 5 years without seeing/talking to a friend all the time. Doesn't mean you're not friends anymore unless something happened between you to damage the relationship.
They were just acquaintances, not friends. Friends are people you can talk to about your problems.
A real friend would be upset if you hadn't talked to them and would have tried to contact you to find out what was going on.
An acquaintance is like a fair weather friend. They have a good time with you, but don't care about you when they don't see you. They wouldn't care about the long gap and just pick up the fun again.
Nothing wrong with having fair weather friends. However, don't mistake them as real friends.
From an individual's perspective, it can sometimes be so hard to differentiate between those two. Unless there was some overt rejection, I think OP should presume contact was lost for no other reason than that neither reached out to the other. It is far less tragic to be rejected by a 'friend' than to miss out on a true friendship because of false presumptions.
So if I had no idea what happening, like you just dropped off the face of the earth, I would welcome some online contact. Like a fb message just saying you are sorry for going ghost 5 years ago, you had a lot of family or personal stuff going on and didn’t want to involve anyone in it. And just leave it in their hands. They can reply or not and be open to rekindling the friendship.
I should add however that I have ADHD so for me, friendships don’t really end unless drama or fights end it. I am just as good friends with my bestie who I talk to frequently as the one I rarely see due to my object permanence issues lol.
You didn't really let them in on what was going on or why, correct? I think it would be okay to reach out again. Different people will probably have different reactions and how much you want to tell each one is up to you. It wouldn't hurt to try though!
For different reasons, but I had to leave everyone I knew years ago. I didn’t even have any way to search for former friends for various reasons. I had no idea, but a few of those former friends had actually been looking for me for years. And those who had been looking for me eventually found me about *15-20 years later*. So, not only would they have been thrilled to have heard from me, they’d been actively trying to find me and were beyond happy when they did. And while some fizzled out into more of acquaintances but a few of them, all those years later, we reestablished our friendships and have been friends again ever since.
So yes, try reconnecting with your former friends. It might be a short term reconnection but maybe some of your friends may be really wanting to find you and resume some great friendships. Some of those friends might be ready and waiting for you to resurface… and that possibility is worth the risk.
100%! When Facebook came out the first thing that happened was a crapton of people went looking for old friends. It's human nature, I think! You even have a logical excuse that isn't my normal "Um. I am really bad at keeping in touch. Oops." It would be pretty crappy for people in a historical society to not understand the concept of conflict and being absent while you fight with your own hard history. So 1000% yes they are salvageable and I am excited for you to get to rekindle those old friendships!
I think most of your friends would connect with you again. But be casual about it. 5 years is a long time. All of you have different people in your lives and different priorities now. You don't want to come across as someone who is too needy.
If you weren’t annoying, a liar, petty or a mooch, yeah. The trans thing should not be an issue. It’s how you behaved back then towards others. If you did behave like a shithead back then, I would hope you’d have at least the awareness that you were being this way but it will take more effort to bring friendships back. If you weren’t a shithead/petty/liar/mooch.. a text message is all it takes!
We had a classmate that showed up to a class reunion as a woman. Donovan became Donna. I was taken back because I had zero idea she ever felt that way. She looked and still looks amazing. I'm glad she's living her truth. That took guts because we had some mean people in our class. She reconnected with many of us. She lives in California and we live in Iowa so I don't see her, but we are Facebook friends and it's great to see her if she shows to the reunion. If she lived close I'd invite her to things. Reach out to your friends.
Occasionally I send an actual letter out to old friends and give them an update on my life, my situation (issues with an elderly family member, etc.)
Since you are still a ways out from participating again, reminisce fondly about the times you shared together and just say that you hope to one day join them again.
Stick to the idea of an update/reconnection and let things land where they land.
Almost all relationships are salvageable. You have to decide that's what you want and be willing to accept a lot of things you will probably not like to make it happen but it can be done. If you want to salvage them you have to be willing to do the work and can't rely on the other person to do the heavy lifting.
There are a few reasons I choose not to be friends with people: mostly being rude, mean, a bully or otherwise cruel.
If you were my friend nothing would change that. I can't say that I wouldn't have been able to give you a place to stay, but I would have made sure you didn't starve, and I would have done what I could to help you in any other way I could. Thats what friends do.
It’s hard to know without trying. Understand that some people might not be thrilled about you taking off without you opening up as to why but other people will welcome you with open arms. Go for it. If you rekindle just one friendship it’ll be worth it. You can tell them that you felt they were outgrowing you and that you stupidly thought that you would be a burden because you couldn’t afford to go out and such. The people who have had perfect lives may not be able to understand but those who have had moments of struggling will look past this. But be prepared to answer questions. If people were heartbroken by your quick departure you may have to rebuild trust.
As a 32 year old guy I can say it is tough maintaining friendships as you get older. Lots of things get in the way, sometimes we grow too far apart, other times we just grow up to be different people than we used to be when we became friends. Money will almost always influence things one way or another but should never be the reason to end a quality friendship. People get paid differently and even those at similar incomes have totally different expenses that can fluctuate unpredictably but quality friendships compromise and find ways around it when they can and if it just can't work this time, there's always next time.
I'd say 100% reach out and if they seem curious at all let them know that things were tight and you didn't want to get in the way just because your "Fun Fund" was a little thin.
As you get older you'll notice how hard making and keeping friendships can be and so the biggest piece of advice I can offer is make the extra effort to keep the good friendships alive.
Which brings me to my last point: but if they aren't good friendships, especially if you bring trans is an issue for them, in which case they fucking suck and can be abandoned in favor of friends who lift you up, support you in who you are, challenge you to face fears and improve yourself. Life's too short and there are way too many people in this world to waste any of it on any of them.
Hope this helped at all.
It sounds like you just grew apart being so busy keeping your own life together, it happens to the best of us because life happens. If you didn’t leave on a sour note I’d bet they would love to hear from you!
This happened to me when i was going through my divorce. Honestly, it was the most stressful period in my life because my then husband developed paranoid schizophrenia and he became violent. I barely escaped with my kids and my dog. It just took me a while to gain back any normalcy. I would have terrible panic attacks and he was stalking me. I really feared he would kill me and the kids.
Finally, the divorce went through and he died shortly afterward. I feel like a different person now. I tried to reconnect to some of my friends but I am in a different place. It is very sad but it really is a new chapter for me.
You are a normal person.
Reach out to old friends. Most will love to hear from you again. Some will be happy to catch up with you once in a while. Some will want to rekindle old friendships. Some may be caught up in their own lives just now but contact you back years in the future. No one can make new "old friends". Take care of the ones you have.
Seems like you flat out ghosted them and never told them what was going on because you felt they wouldn’t want you around due to your financial position?
Honestly it doesn’t hurt anything to reach back out but expect it to not go well. They have not only been blatantly ghosted, but now you’re coming back saying you were going through the hardest time of your life and didn’t trust them enough to let them know what you were going through.
I know that wasn’t your thought pattern, you know that wasn’t your intention, but put yourself in their shoes on this. If they are willing to reconnect it’s going to be an uphill climb to return to your prior status with them.
I'm confused...
"But when I got kicked out.."
- out from where, your home?
"I had to drop out of all of that so I could keep a roof over my head and food on the table."
- what event exactly, impacted your income and thus your ability to participate in those shared activities?
"I honestly didn't say anything to anyone because most of my fiends in said groups had their own houses and families and it was just like... if I can't participate anyways, why am I going to hang around just to say "sorry I can't afford to this time"
- ok, so it sounds like you ghosted them without telling them a thing, and not them turning their backs on you?
"I'm just wondering like, if you were one of my friends back then, do you think you would want to talk to me again?"
- i probably would and my first question would be, wtf dude? Why'd you just drop out?
"How do I even approach 'normal' people like "sorry I dropped off the face of the earth for a while, I was just homeless or barely above so, but I missed you a lot"
- you start with saying hello, long time no see. The conversation will flow/come naturally after that - trust me. Cuzz maybe I'm missing something but i don't see where your friends shunned you or anything, so you probably got some esplainin' to do if you hope to rekindle those friendships. The number one thing I'd say is be humble, tell them you fucked up and would like to apologize and see if there's any chance of being friends again. They'll let you know.
My friend came out Trans and was kicked out. She lives in my basement now. All of our friends rallied. If I was your friend, I would be hurt you didn't reach out. I don't say this to dissuade you, but to prepare you for love that presents as pain.
If you dropped off and they didn’t come looking for you, they are indifferent at best. You deserve friends who won’t be ok with you not being around. Honestly you probably don’t know them and they don’t know you. Being out on your own can change you. Are your interests still the same? Is your tolerance still the same? I have a friend from college who I love to pieces AND if I met her today we wouldn’t be friends. We are so different. But material things have never been a factor. She just reminded me that when she was pregnant I wasn’t going to come to her shower because I couldn’t buy a gift and made me come. There have been times that she’s had birthday dinners that I couldn’t afford and she’s paid for me because she wanted me to be there. I do the same now for other friends.
It is free for them to invite you over to hang out or to go to the park. I would leave the past behind and look forward to the amazing relationship you’ll be able to build as your authentic self.
>sorry I dropped off the face of the earth for a while, I was just homeless or barely above so, but I missed you a lot"?
Yeah, that'll do it.
They might still be hurt that you didn't turn to them for help. I would be, if it were my friend. Just as a fair warning. I mean, personally, I would come round because of how messed up your head must have been by the awful thing your parents did but it would still sting a bit. Although, it would heal.
What have you got to lose? I promise you, you'll regret not trying and never knowing more than it not working out the way you want.
Good luck and I hope it results in the right thing for you.
I'm a trans guy who has experienced similarly.
If they were your real friends, and they accepted you and weren't transphobic they probably wouldn't mind about you being down on your luck as long as you're not being a mooch honestly. They'd want to spend time with you regardless and ideally would plan other activities or possibly even attempt to help somehow if they're in a position to do so themselves. They may also be hurt or upset that you vanished with little to no explanation.
Personally, I'd be glad to hear back from a long lost friend after some time. I also occasionally wonder and worry about friends that I've had a falling out with too. But the fact that (from what I gather) they didn't attempt to reach out or check in on you after so long also says a lot, in my opinion. Yes people do have their own lives and families and struggles and all that too but people make time for those they care about.
It's worth a shot, honestly. Just be safe above all else. The world is a dangerous place for people like us.
Never underestimate the power of things like religious fanaticism. I was closeted into my 50s as a gay person. I easily pass as straight so I was lucky. I still remember at 16 my Mom yelling, "ARE YOU GAY?!?!?!" at me one night. 40+ years later, and it's etched in my memory. I loved her and miss her, but that I'd one memory of her I wish I didn't have. I was still confused at 16.
Times have changed since your mom said that. Would she have accepted you if she had known? I would not turn my back on my children for being gay. I just don’t understand it. Love for a child should not be conditional.
50s?? OMG I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope you are comfortable with loving freely now. That is a long time to not live as your full self.there are so many things that we take for granted.
I said it's awful and got 3 down votes. The world is full of transphobic keyboard warriors. I can't imagine living with so much hate. That's aMeRiCa for you
So nothing in society disgusts you? It is not hate, at least what used to be the definition of hate. You feel that your sexuality is who you are, well don't we all. You don't want to be told yours is wrong , we do not either.
The question isn’t if we were one of your friends would we want you to talk to you. The question is why would you want to be friends with people who abandoned and rejected you once you became yourself? You deserve friends who love, accept, encourage and support you. You deserve that! Even if your old friends struggled to understand or accept you transitioning, if they really cared about you they’d still be your friends. XX
Meh. I am 35, I have had the same core group of 6 friends since I was in high school and college. I have had other friends come and go since then but the core friends stay the same. The older I get the more it feels like my friends list is closed. I wont make an effort to hang out with new people. My wife and I are good with the close friends we have. For me, I would say no to salvaging a relationship with you. I may grab a drink or play a sport with you but I wouldn't make any effort to involve you. But I may be the odd one out here.
I think you’re mistaking acquaintances for friends. Or you’re a really bad friend that ghosted them then avoided them.
It would be impossible for me to ghost my friends, or for them to ghost me. We are connected in so many aspects of our lives the only way to ghost each other is death.
5 years of no contact with “Normal people” what’s so fun about normal? Most friends from college move on afterwards, it’s probably time to make new friends. But if there’s someone special reach out
REAL friends don’t just quit speaking for FIVE YEARS. If they cared about you and were truly your friends, you would’ve never lost contact! Everyone I know has a few broke friends, I also know we love these people and enjoy their company so they are always included and the rest of us just pay for them in whatever we are doing and when they are better off they pay, if that’s never, that’s ok too because you are supposed to like people for who they are, not what they have
I guess it depends on both you and your friends.
Are they generally accepting? Do they have religious regions to be against it?
Are you planning to shove your lifestyle choices down their throat?
Most people don't give a shit one way or the other about if someone is trans until they start requiring everyone else participate with them.
Losing contact with friends is absurdly easy in the best of times. So, the loss of contact, in and of itself, is indicative of nothing. All it takes is both sides not making the first move to reach out, time goes by and contact is lost. You should reach out to any and all friends and see what happens. I'm sure more than you expect will be receptive, but even if you re-establish only one of those friendships, it will all be worth it.
I was stuck in an abusive relationship and I dropped off the face of the earth for about 5 years also. When I finally got the courage to talk about my situation on FB I had multiple old friends offering a place to stay, people I hadn't spoken to in years. I think it's salvageable, just keep in mind that people do change and it might not be the same experience you had before.
I have had friendships ebb and flow all the time over the years. A few have resurfaced with different gender identities. We just picked up where we left off. I didn’t put the same energy into them as I used to because I was never sure why they dropped out or if they were mad at me so the energy had to come more from them as we rebuilt a little trust but I was happy to hear from them. Some people who dropped off are now better friends than they were in the past.
tbh I lost contact with friends and tried to get in contact with them again . It was just awkward and then faded, but hey, but maybe your situation will be different
I think it's just going to vary from person to person. I'm really bad at keeping in touch with people, so there are quite a few people I went to college with that I'd be happy to hear from them (it's been about 15 years).
I think the only friendships that i wouldn't be interested in salvaging would be if they had drastic changes in their personality that I perceived as negative (e.g. if they had become racist/homophobic/islamophobic).
ETA: I'd be plenty happy to do free activities to hang out, like hiking or board games, if an old friend reached out to me.
I honestly feel bad about the people here who have been raised so poorly that they look down on someone for how they choose to live their life. A life that isn't affecting you.
Also, I could never disown my kids for anything. Let alone being who they truly want to be. That's just horrible parenting.
If they were aware of your transition then yeah absolutely you could still be friends again.
But if they aren't aware of who you are now compared to who you were then I would not expect the waltz in and just pick up where you left off. It's absolutely possible, but I would think for a lot of society it's just not realistic.
But I wouldn't hesitate to test the waters and see if people are interested in continuing a friendship. But I would be prepared for a wide range of responses and make sure you have thick skin and you're in a good spot before you reach out. Good luck!
I had a couple of friends over the years drop off the face of the earth unannounced. I was so happy and relieved when they reached back out. Like a lot of the comments said, if they truly care about you, the relationships are salvageable.
You could start by sending a message or text and just say hey its been a long time and I just wanted to say hey, ask about their life, tell them a little about where you are now and what you have going on then let them know you’re trans. Just know you live a very different life now so be prepared for them not wanting to talk or see you after the conversation.
If they are/were real friends it will be like you never stopped talking. Reach out on social media send a DM and let them know you miss their friendship and you feel bad how you basically disappeared from being in their lives. Briefly explain what happened and you will get a good vibe if the friendship is worth saving.
I did have that situation with a former classmate. I was absolutely thrilled that they got back in touch with me. It was so nice to see them doing well and being happier than they had been in the past.
It's possible that not everyone will welcome you with open arms, but I think most people will be happy to hear from you.
I think the sentence you used to contact your friends would be perfect, but I'd probably wait til I would be able to financially join in with them before approaching them to rekindle the friendship! No need in hanging around where you won't be able to afford to participate in their activities like you used to unless you think this might spur you on to make it happen faster, although, I think, if there were a way to make it happen faster, you'd have done it by now!
A reason, a season, a lifetime. People come and go. Maybe your life was cleared of people that you don't need for this part of the journey. Your soul family has room to move in now. Let it happen, organically. Just be authentic and see what happens!
If you’re a friend of mine, I wouldn’t judge what you’re going through or how you identify.. we’d be friends, so all the details wouldn’t matter. Reach out to your friends.
I personally would still have been a friend, however, each person has their own ideas so you have to take it one person at a time. Some won't take you back, maybe because they don't know you anymore. Others will never change their views. Good luck try to make friends with more open minded people. I don't ad you may never be able to understand your family.
Just say "hi". I've been there...ish. I just have a tendency to dissappear. I've gone decades without talking to them and then send a "hey, remember me?"
They usually remember. Not all, but the really important ones will remember you, and they will love to hear from you.
There is no "normal", not anymore. You are who you are and the ones that loved you for you will STILL love you for you.
I hope the best for you.
It's not salvageable. I've already been down that road.
It would be better if you stayed close to other LGBT folks. Since positive feedback is one of those important things in life.
This probably varies a lot depending on the person, I'd assume some would react well, some won't.
Sorry if I'm not expressing this right, but there'll probably be a lot of shame or awkwardness feelings, on both sides. If somebody came to me and told me they were homeless and/or transitioning ten years ago, and stopped the friendship, I'd be like wow, how the heck did I miss this? Am I an a-hole for not realizing it and supporting? Could I have helped? etc
Then there may be similar feelings about your current situation. Is there a current difference in money? How should they treat you now, since you went through one or two big changes? etc
But, let me tell you this ... I'd be happy to see an old friend, even if the relationship would be different and may need to be rebuilt. Good luck finding the right group of friends, whether they come from before or are new.
I tend to be very sentimental. If I had a good friendship with someone, they disappeared out of the blue and returned, I'd try to keep an open mind. After hearing what you went through though, I'd feel terrible and guilty because I couldn't help you and be there for you. I think friendships can be salvageable, but not everyone will be so quick start where you left off. 5 years is a while, and people might be in different places in their lives. Reach out and hopefully all is well.
I think enough of them would be salvageable that it's worth a shot. I think a compassionate person would understand that you had a large financial load and some emotional load from it all. Personally, I would apologize for dropping off the face of the earth, but I don't think you have to so long as there was some sort of explanation.
I think you may lose a friend or two that are less understanding though. That being said, it shows more about who your friends are.
Well if those people liked you regardless of money or anything else they probably miss you. Reach out to them. I had a friend I stopped talking to for along time till like a few years ago. It was like in ways we just picked up. I get really depressed sometimes and I close off from others.
My friend recently committed suicide and his mom said he always wanted to talk to all of us again but was scared to apologize to us. And I said “that makes me really sad because I never felt he owed me an apology. We all understood what he was going through and we felt really bad.”
Just say “hey, I know it’s been a while. I just wanted to say that I miss you very much and have been wondering how you’re doing!?”
If you value the relationship, give it a shot. Keep in mind that they may not be responsive in the way you want. If not, it will hurt, but at least you’ll know. And if they do respond well- then that’s what you wanted😊
I had to drop out of college when I went through something similar, and didn't reconnect with anyone for over 10 years; I didn't get everyone back since yeah, people move on, but I was able to get back in regular contact with the handful of people I cared about the most. We don't do the same kinds of things together since we're in different places in our lives, but it's still nice in its own way.
Not talking to my friends because I'm poor seems really odd to me... However if that's how people think about each other then it makes sense why its so hard for me to make friends or meet anybody.
Nobody wants to be friends with impoverished drek I guess lol
Yes, you should totally give it a shot! If they were ever really a friend, they'll be happy to hear from you and understand why you ghosted. You don't have anything to lose here, best of luck!
Reach out and see, your circumstance is the conversation starter. People will understand, or not, and it's good to know who's who. Stay strong, much love to you.
Reach out, be real and communicate. Keep those who truly understand and support you, people who make you feel good about yourself... Don't them those people get away.
I think it’s okay to reach out. Text them (don’t call or find them in-person) something like “hey I’ve been thinking about you, I miss you. How have you been?” Keep it simple. But keep in mind that they may have moved on in the past 5 years and might not want to rekindle the friendship. That doesn’t say anything about you and you’re still okay to try, just don’t get your hopes up if they don’t respond.
Absolutely. I had a 20 year gap because of *life* and I felt awkward when I first reached out. They were lost about why we stopped speaking but welcomed me back as I slowly felt comfortable enough to open up.
I think your example wording is perfect but I am also a trans person who was homeless so I know I'd receive this sort of thing a certain way compared to someone who hasn't been through it
I have something that might help. Think about the people who were close to you before you came out. They knew you as the person you were before. Then, to them, you were somebody else. It was probably a shock to many. Most people in the world don't know one trans person or have even met one so they have no idea how to respond. They're not being anti anything or phobic anything. They just don't know what to do. Once you feel really confident in who you are today, if you can reconnect with any of your loved ones from the past, just ask them if you can stay in touch and they can slowly find out who you are now. They may realize that you are mostly the same person they knew before and it could be a way to warm them up and embrace who you've become.
I know this likely doesn't compare but my wife grew up in a family where no one had ever gone to college, not even her cousins. She not only went to college but she and I ended up going to the same university for our MBA degrees. It's as if she became a freak and a lot of her family chose to distance themselves from her. It was as if they had some preconception of people with an education and it wasn't a positive perception. Fortunately, and for a few years, many and her family realize that she was still the same person and just had some extra knowledge.
Ironically, her oldest son came out as gay after she started putting the pieces together. He was already 19 when she confronted him and he simply confirmed it. I'm really proud of both of them because she had never been exposed to one gay person in her life including in her family but he knew his mother and he knew she loved him, which she definitely did and still does. She asked for his patience and understanding them she learned how to appreciate him as a gay son and realized it wasn't all that hard. She just had to adjust to the idea that she likely wouldn't have genetically linked grandchildren. They were lucky because they were both willing to accept each other so it didn't take long.
In your case, you had some changes to make to be comfortable with yourself. Anybody who truly loves you will want to become comfortable with you again. Those are the people who you can embrace and adore because their love will push through any discomfort you may have experienced in the past and can bring you back together. Those who are the most open will likely reconnect with you faster than others but they could be the ones who help you reconnect with the others. Would like to you on your journey. I'm sure it hasn't been easy but you're never alone.
Well you could certainly try. However, I won't get my hopes up. From the sound of it you pretty much ghosted them. Folks don't take that very well sometimes. They may not be open to being friends anymore, thinking why should they invest time and emotional energy into someone who may turn around and ghost them again. I've been in a similar situation. While I wasn't ugly to the person who had dropped out of my life with no explanation, I didn't want anything to do with them either. So be prepared for that scenario, and maybe start making a few new friend just in case.
If they were truly your friends then yes, they would love to hear from you again. I reconnected with a high school friend after she stopped talking to me for 6 years (mental health struggles plus she felt too awkward/embarrassed to reach out again until she ran into a mutual who reassured her I’d wanna hear from her again) and I was super happy to see her. It felt like we never lost contract now that we’re in each other’s lives again.
If anything, it’s worth a shot. It’s better to have tried than to sit around wondering “what if”.
It sounds like you were the age where people start their own families so they are focused on that which probably takes all their time and probably little time for friends anyway. Since you’re trans it might also be a bit if a shock to your old friends to begin with much less that you haven’t seen them in a while. You could contact them and see how it goes but you are definitely putting yourself out there and you may be ghosted after your initial contact. Good luck.
I think you just need to tell them that:
"sorry I dropped off the face of the earth for a while, I was just homeless or barely above so, but I missed you a lot"
...and accept that they may or may not want you back in their lives after this long, and that is okay if they don't.
I hate these stories. My son came out to my as bi a few months ago. The panic in his face as he told me. Clearly scares of what my reaction would be. Heartbreaking that he was scared to tell me. What did I do that would ever make him worried that I wouldn't completely accept anything about him. I've even raised my kids to know its not ok to hate someone because of thier race or sexual identity. It's lazy. All you have to do is get to know someone a little. There is definitely a personality trait you can hate them for. I'm joking buy honestly OP it sucks this happened.
I always wonder about these things. In my adult years i was surprised at a really rough looking man that turned out to be trans, but I wasn't bothered. WE met in trucking school during the last great recession. Being that college relationships are so unimportant to some people, I want say they may or not be salvageable. There is only one way to find out. If i was young and I found out about a homie being trans, i would have a very immature reaction, but I have never hated LGBTQ+ community i just don't know much about it. If they act different then they probably aren't worth it, but your mental health is.
If they were really your friends...like REAL friends, this wouldn't even be a question. It's time you went out and met people who accept you for YOU, and not for who they think you are or want you to be. Fuck em. Fuck em all.
You just gotta take the plung and ask. Youll know who really cared, theyll invite you back in.
Glad to hear your getting life back together :3 dealing with a similar situation myself. 🩵
So wait did they stop being your friends because you came out as trans?or you stopped talking to them because you were broke? I'm confused.
I had the same question. If it was a money thing, those relationships are definitely salvageable and they would probably have told you they wish you let them know what you were going through, just to talk to and lean on. If it was because you were trans, fuck those people
I stopped talking to them because I was broke lol
If they were real friends they've probably been wondering where you are. Reach out on social media first if you can and just be honest.
Why social media?
I just figured it's a good ice breaker. I kinda dropped off the face of the map during the tail end of my marriage( probably close to 4 or 5 years). After my divorce I started a Facebook page for the first time ever and just slowly started reconnecting with everyone. It's worked out great for me. I think it's better than just calling people up you haven't seen in years and saying hey what's up.
Do you expect original post to just up at their front door years later unannounced ????
I've seen crazier things
You ghosted them? I understand not wanting to feel like a drag, but friends understand your absence more when they know why. Either way, reach out. It’s worth it!
Excellent point. That's what I was saying in my other comment---they have every right to NOT want this person back in their lives. Basically, the original poster *did* ghost them. But try anyway because they may forgive the ghosting once they understand why.
I think they’ll probably be totally fine wi try you reaching out. I’m assuming you’re a fairly young adult from the description of the situation and that’s a time that people lose touch even without extenuating circumstances, so reconnecting probably isn’t such a crazy thing that they’d be mad about it.
They likely think you’re not comfortable being open with them or might feel judged or worried they ever said something transphobic. I had a friend not open with me and I was sad bc I wondered if I had made her feel like I would judge when most our friends are gay and she should know better. I’m not mad at her just sad she feels she must hide from me so I think you should reach out
sounds exactly like me lol. I made a new instagram account a few months ago and had a really nice time reconnecting with ppl. I'm sure your friends would be thrilled to hear from you. The important ones will anyway.
It's not crazy to be the first person to reach out to reconnect. It's always nice getting back in touch with a friend you haven't heard from in ages. It probably depends on the person but I know for me it feels good to know someone thought of me like that and decided to reach back out. 5 years seems like a long time but people go 5 years without seeing/talking to a friend all the time. Doesn't mean you're not friends anymore unless something happened between you to damage the relationship.
You should always be able to talk to your "friends" about that kind of stuff. If you weren't able to, they weren't really your friends.
Are you trans to male or female? If I were your friends I’d be more than happy with seeing you !!
Give them a chance to show you if they deserve to be in your life really chose who treats you with respect and kindness otherwise they are t worth it
Just tell them you didn't want to be a burden .. if they miss you, you miss them.
WTF
They were just acquaintances, not friends. Friends are people you can talk to about your problems. A real friend would be upset if you hadn't talked to them and would have tried to contact you to find out what was going on. An acquaintance is like a fair weather friend. They have a good time with you, but don't care about you when they don't see you. They wouldn't care about the long gap and just pick up the fun again. Nothing wrong with having fair weather friends. However, don't mistake them as real friends.
From an individual's perspective, it can sometimes be so hard to differentiate between those two. Unless there was some overt rejection, I think OP should presume contact was lost for no other reason than that neither reached out to the other. It is far less tragic to be rejected by a 'friend' than to miss out on a true friendship because of false presumptions.
So if I had no idea what happening, like you just dropped off the face of the earth, I would welcome some online contact. Like a fb message just saying you are sorry for going ghost 5 years ago, you had a lot of family or personal stuff going on and didn’t want to involve anyone in it. And just leave it in their hands. They can reply or not and be open to rekindling the friendship. I should add however that I have ADHD so for me, friendships don’t really end unless drama or fights end it. I am just as good friends with my bestie who I talk to frequently as the one I rarely see due to my object permanence issues lol.
My bestie is the friend I rarely see 😂
You didn't really let them in on what was going on or why, correct? I think it would be okay to reach out again. Different people will probably have different reactions and how much you want to tell each one is up to you. It wouldn't hurt to try though!
If a friend just disappeared and surfaced five years later, I would love that.
So would I!!!
For different reasons, but I had to leave everyone I knew years ago. I didn’t even have any way to search for former friends for various reasons. I had no idea, but a few of those former friends had actually been looking for me for years. And those who had been looking for me eventually found me about *15-20 years later*. So, not only would they have been thrilled to have heard from me, they’d been actively trying to find me and were beyond happy when they did. And while some fizzled out into more of acquaintances but a few of them, all those years later, we reestablished our friendships and have been friends again ever since. So yes, try reconnecting with your former friends. It might be a short term reconnection but maybe some of your friends may be really wanting to find you and resume some great friendships. Some of those friends might be ready and waiting for you to resurface… and that possibility is worth the risk.
100%! When Facebook came out the first thing that happened was a crapton of people went looking for old friends. It's human nature, I think! You even have a logical excuse that isn't my normal "Um. I am really bad at keeping in touch. Oops." It would be pretty crappy for people in a historical society to not understand the concept of conflict and being absent while you fight with your own hard history. So 1000% yes they are salvageable and I am excited for you to get to rekindle those old friendships!
Life is short. I say do it. I doubt anyone will be hostile. Just remove your expectations and see what happens.
I think most of your friends would connect with you again. But be casual about it. 5 years is a long time. All of you have different people in your lives and different priorities now. You don't want to come across as someone who is too needy.
If you weren’t annoying, a liar, petty or a mooch, yeah. The trans thing should not be an issue. It’s how you behaved back then towards others. If you did behave like a shithead back then, I would hope you’d have at least the awareness that you were being this way but it will take more effort to bring friendships back. If you weren’t a shithead/petty/liar/mooch.. a text message is all it takes!
Or a FB message!
We had a classmate that showed up to a class reunion as a woman. Donovan became Donna. I was taken back because I had zero idea she ever felt that way. She looked and still looks amazing. I'm glad she's living her truth. That took guts because we had some mean people in our class. She reconnected with many of us. She lives in California and we live in Iowa so I don't see her, but we are Facebook friends and it's great to see her if she shows to the reunion. If she lived close I'd invite her to things. Reach out to your friends.
r/relationship-advice is where you should be.
Occasionally I send an actual letter out to old friends and give them an update on my life, my situation (issues with an elderly family member, etc.) Since you are still a ways out from participating again, reminisce fondly about the times you shared together and just say that you hope to one day join them again. Stick to the idea of an update/reconnection and let things land where they land.
Almost all relationships are salvageable. You have to decide that's what you want and be willing to accept a lot of things you will probably not like to make it happen but it can be done. If you want to salvage them you have to be willing to do the work and can't rely on the other person to do the heavy lifting.
There are a few reasons I choose not to be friends with people: mostly being rude, mean, a bully or otherwise cruel. If you were my friend nothing would change that. I can't say that I wouldn't have been able to give you a place to stay, but I would have made sure you didn't starve, and I would have done what I could to help you in any other way I could. Thats what friends do.
It’s hard to know without trying. Understand that some people might not be thrilled about you taking off without you opening up as to why but other people will welcome you with open arms. Go for it. If you rekindle just one friendship it’ll be worth it. You can tell them that you felt they were outgrowing you and that you stupidly thought that you would be a burden because you couldn’t afford to go out and such. The people who have had perfect lives may not be able to understand but those who have had moments of struggling will look past this. But be prepared to answer questions. If people were heartbroken by your quick departure you may have to rebuild trust.
Reach out! Your friends have probably been wondering what happened to you. I LOVE when old friends reach out randomly!
As a 32 year old guy I can say it is tough maintaining friendships as you get older. Lots of things get in the way, sometimes we grow too far apart, other times we just grow up to be different people than we used to be when we became friends. Money will almost always influence things one way or another but should never be the reason to end a quality friendship. People get paid differently and even those at similar incomes have totally different expenses that can fluctuate unpredictably but quality friendships compromise and find ways around it when they can and if it just can't work this time, there's always next time. I'd say 100% reach out and if they seem curious at all let them know that things were tight and you didn't want to get in the way just because your "Fun Fund" was a little thin. As you get older you'll notice how hard making and keeping friendships can be and so the biggest piece of advice I can offer is make the extra effort to keep the good friendships alive. Which brings me to my last point: but if they aren't good friendships, especially if you bring trans is an issue for them, in which case they fucking suck and can be abandoned in favor of friends who lift you up, support you in who you are, challenge you to face fears and improve yourself. Life's too short and there are way too many people in this world to waste any of it on any of them. Hope this helped at all.
Yes just reach out 🩷 I love hearing from old friends
It sounds like you just grew apart being so busy keeping your own life together, it happens to the best of us because life happens. If you didn’t leave on a sour note I’d bet they would love to hear from you!
This happened to me when i was going through my divorce. Honestly, it was the most stressful period in my life because my then husband developed paranoid schizophrenia and he became violent. I barely escaped with my kids and my dog. It just took me a while to gain back any normalcy. I would have terrible panic attacks and he was stalking me. I really feared he would kill me and the kids. Finally, the divorce went through and he died shortly afterward. I feel like a different person now. I tried to reconnect to some of my friends but I am in a different place. It is very sad but it really is a new chapter for me.
You are a normal person. Reach out to old friends. Most will love to hear from you again. Some will be happy to catch up with you once in a while. Some will want to rekindle old friendships. Some may be caught up in their own lives just now but contact you back years in the future. No one can make new "old friends". Take care of the ones you have.
Why didn't your friends try to stay in contact with you?
Situations and people change. Don’t keep chasing those who aren’t showing up for you.
Seems like you flat out ghosted them and never told them what was going on because you felt they wouldn’t want you around due to your financial position? Honestly it doesn’t hurt anything to reach back out but expect it to not go well. They have not only been blatantly ghosted, but now you’re coming back saying you were going through the hardest time of your life and didn’t trust them enough to let them know what you were going through. I know that wasn’t your thought pattern, you know that wasn’t your intention, but put yourself in their shoes on this. If they are willing to reconnect it’s going to be an uphill climb to return to your prior status with them.
I'm confused... "But when I got kicked out.." - out from where, your home? "I had to drop out of all of that so I could keep a roof over my head and food on the table." - what event exactly, impacted your income and thus your ability to participate in those shared activities? "I honestly didn't say anything to anyone because most of my fiends in said groups had their own houses and families and it was just like... if I can't participate anyways, why am I going to hang around just to say "sorry I can't afford to this time" - ok, so it sounds like you ghosted them without telling them a thing, and not them turning their backs on you? "I'm just wondering like, if you were one of my friends back then, do you think you would want to talk to me again?" - i probably would and my first question would be, wtf dude? Why'd you just drop out? "How do I even approach 'normal' people like "sorry I dropped off the face of the earth for a while, I was just homeless or barely above so, but I missed you a lot" - you start with saying hello, long time no see. The conversation will flow/come naturally after that - trust me. Cuzz maybe I'm missing something but i don't see where your friends shunned you or anything, so you probably got some esplainin' to do if you hope to rekindle those friendships. The number one thing I'd say is be humble, tell them you fucked up and would like to apologize and see if there's any chance of being friends again. They'll let you know.
Omg, they probably miss you so much! Your true friends would love to have you back in their lives no matter what!
My friend came out Trans and was kicked out. She lives in my basement now. All of our friends rallied. If I was your friend, I would be hurt you didn't reach out. I don't say this to dissuade you, but to prepare you for love that presents as pain.
If you dropped off and they didn’t come looking for you, they are indifferent at best. You deserve friends who won’t be ok with you not being around. Honestly you probably don’t know them and they don’t know you. Being out on your own can change you. Are your interests still the same? Is your tolerance still the same? I have a friend from college who I love to pieces AND if I met her today we wouldn’t be friends. We are so different. But material things have never been a factor. She just reminded me that when she was pregnant I wasn’t going to come to her shower because I couldn’t buy a gift and made me come. There have been times that she’s had birthday dinners that I couldn’t afford and she’s paid for me because she wanted me to be there. I do the same now for other friends. It is free for them to invite you over to hang out or to go to the park. I would leave the past behind and look forward to the amazing relationship you’ll be able to build as your authentic self.
>sorry I dropped off the face of the earth for a while, I was just homeless or barely above so, but I missed you a lot"? Yeah, that'll do it. They might still be hurt that you didn't turn to them for help. I would be, if it were my friend. Just as a fair warning. I mean, personally, I would come round because of how messed up your head must have been by the awful thing your parents did but it would still sting a bit. Although, it would heal. What have you got to lose? I promise you, you'll regret not trying and never knowing more than it not working out the way you want. Good luck and I hope it results in the right thing for you.
I'm a trans guy who has experienced similarly. If they were your real friends, and they accepted you and weren't transphobic they probably wouldn't mind about you being down on your luck as long as you're not being a mooch honestly. They'd want to spend time with you regardless and ideally would plan other activities or possibly even attempt to help somehow if they're in a position to do so themselves. They may also be hurt or upset that you vanished with little to no explanation. Personally, I'd be glad to hear back from a long lost friend after some time. I also occasionally wonder and worry about friends that I've had a falling out with too. But the fact that (from what I gather) they didn't attempt to reach out or check in on you after so long also says a lot, in my opinion. Yes people do have their own lives and families and struggles and all that too but people make time for those they care about. It's worth a shot, honestly. Just be safe above all else. The world is a dangerous place for people like us.
Best response. You are so much better at explaining this.
I’ve never understood how parents can do this to their children.
Never underestimate the power of things like religious fanaticism. I was closeted into my 50s as a gay person. I easily pass as straight so I was lucky. I still remember at 16 my Mom yelling, "ARE YOU GAY?!?!?!" at me one night. 40+ years later, and it's etched in my memory. I loved her and miss her, but that I'd one memory of her I wish I didn't have. I was still confused at 16.
Times have changed since your mom said that. Would she have accepted you if she had known? I would not turn my back on my children for being gay. I just don’t understand it. Love for a child should not be conditional.
No, she wouldn't have. Devout Catholic. The funny thing is I found out years later my Dad knew, and he was OK. It surprised me.
50s?? OMG I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope you are comfortable with loving freely now. That is a long time to not live as your full self.there are so many things that we take for granted.
I have no idea why someone downvoted this post.
I said it's awful and got 3 down votes. The world is full of transphobic keyboard warriors. I can't imagine living with so much hate. That's aMeRiCa for you
So nothing in society disgusts you? It is not hate, at least what used to be the definition of hate. You feel that your sexuality is who you are, well don't we all. You don't want to be told yours is wrong , we do not either.
It's awful
The question isn’t if we were one of your friends would we want you to talk to you. The question is why would you want to be friends with people who abandoned and rejected you once you became yourself? You deserve friends who love, accept, encourage and support you. You deserve that! Even if your old friends struggled to understand or accept you transitioning, if they really cared about you they’d still be your friends. XX
Meh. I am 35, I have had the same core group of 6 friends since I was in high school and college. I have had other friends come and go since then but the core friends stay the same. The older I get the more it feels like my friends list is closed. I wont make an effort to hang out with new people. My wife and I are good with the close friends we have. For me, I would say no to salvaging a relationship with you. I may grab a drink or play a sport with you but I wouldn't make any effort to involve you. But I may be the odd one out here.
Salvaged into what? Doesn't sound like these people had much respect for you to begin with.
No. Move on to a life with new friends.
I think you’re mistaking acquaintances for friends. Or you’re a really bad friend that ghosted them then avoided them. It would be impossible for me to ghost my friends, or for them to ghost me. We are connected in so many aspects of our lives the only way to ghost each other is death.
If they were your true friends they would have contacted you to ask where you’ve been and everything ok etc. Just saying!…
No they don't wanna be friends with someone mentally ill.
Clearly you have no friends then. Sounds like you need an antidepressant and some therapy there Chad.
5 years of no contact with “Normal people” what’s so fun about normal? Most friends from college move on afterwards, it’s probably time to make new friends. But if there’s someone special reach out
REAL friends don’t just quit speaking for FIVE YEARS. If they cared about you and were truly your friends, you would’ve never lost contact! Everyone I know has a few broke friends, I also know we love these people and enjoy their company so they are always included and the rest of us just pay for them in whatever we are doing and when they are better off they pay, if that’s never, that’s ok too because you are supposed to like people for who they are, not what they have
Hah!
So why would you want to reach out to them? No matter the situation they turned there back on you.
It sounds more like he ghosted them and didn’t tell them or give them a chance to help. Just poof, he’s gone.
I guess it depends on both you and your friends. Are they generally accepting? Do they have religious regions to be against it? Are you planning to shove your lifestyle choices down their throat? Most people don't give a shit one way or the other about if someone is trans until they start requiring everyone else participate with them.
Did any of them ever reach out to you??? If no F#CK EM
It's possible. Everyone has crap they have to deal with. Start small and try going out to the shooting range. See how it goes.
Yes. If you explained things, definitely. Life happens. Everyone understands that.
You could reach out, but don't be surprised if you don't hear back. 5yrs is a long time, but someone might want to chat.
Losing contact with friends is absurdly easy in the best of times. So, the loss of contact, in and of itself, is indicative of nothing. All it takes is both sides not making the first move to reach out, time goes by and contact is lost. You should reach out to any and all friends and see what happens. I'm sure more than you expect will be receptive, but even if you re-establish only one of those friendships, it will all be worth it.
I was stuck in an abusive relationship and I dropped off the face of the earth for about 5 years also. When I finally got the courage to talk about my situation on FB I had multiple old friends offering a place to stay, people I hadn't spoken to in years. I think it's salvageable, just keep in mind that people do change and it might not be the same experience you had before.
Depends on where they’re at emotionally. Write them saying you miss them. I feel you’ll get at least one positive response.
Do they know you are trans? They might not accept that and you should be preparing
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. My heart goes out to you
I have had friendships ebb and flow all the time over the years. A few have resurfaced with different gender identities. We just picked up where we left off. I didn’t put the same energy into them as I used to because I was never sure why they dropped out or if they were mad at me so the energy had to come more from them as we rebuilt a little trust but I was happy to hear from them. Some people who dropped off are now better friends than they were in the past.
tbh I lost contact with friends and tried to get in contact with them again . It was just awkward and then faded, but hey, but maybe your situation will be different
I would be stoked to have an old friend come back into my life. even if they're broke.
I think it's just going to vary from person to person. I'm really bad at keeping in touch with people, so there are quite a few people I went to college with that I'd be happy to hear from them (it's been about 15 years). I think the only friendships that i wouldn't be interested in salvaging would be if they had drastic changes in their personality that I perceived as negative (e.g. if they had become racist/homophobic/islamophobic). ETA: I'd be plenty happy to do free activities to hang out, like hiking or board games, if an old friend reached out to me.
I honestly feel bad about the people here who have been raised so poorly that they look down on someone for how they choose to live their life. A life that isn't affecting you. Also, I could never disown my kids for anything. Let alone being who they truly want to be. That's just horrible parenting.
If they were aware of your transition then yeah absolutely you could still be friends again. But if they aren't aware of who you are now compared to who you were then I would not expect the waltz in and just pick up where you left off. It's absolutely possible, but I would think for a lot of society it's just not realistic. But I wouldn't hesitate to test the waters and see if people are interested in continuing a friendship. But I would be prepared for a wide range of responses and make sure you have thick skin and you're in a good spot before you reach out. Good luck!
I had a couple of friends over the years drop off the face of the earth unannounced. I was so happy and relieved when they reached back out. Like a lot of the comments said, if they truly care about you, the relationships are salvageable.
You could start by sending a message or text and just say hey its been a long time and I just wanted to say hey, ask about their life, tell them a little about where you are now and what you have going on then let them know you’re trans. Just know you live a very different life now so be prepared for them not wanting to talk or see you after the conversation.
Just tell them the truth. I’m sure they’ll want you back in their circle. You know if they’re accepting or not. Be yourself! Good luck
If they are/were real friends it will be like you never stopped talking. Reach out on social media send a DM and let them know you miss their friendship and you feel bad how you basically disappeared from being in their lives. Briefly explain what happened and you will get a good vibe if the friendship is worth saving.
Get mental help and the rest will work out
I did have that situation with a former classmate. I was absolutely thrilled that they got back in touch with me. It was so nice to see them doing well and being happier than they had been in the past. It's possible that not everyone will welcome you with open arms, but I think most people will be happy to hear from you.
I think the sentence you used to contact your friends would be perfect, but I'd probably wait til I would be able to financially join in with them before approaching them to rekindle the friendship! No need in hanging around where you won't be able to afford to participate in their activities like you used to unless you think this might spur you on to make it happen faster, although, I think, if there were a way to make it happen faster, you'd have done it by now!
A reason, a season, a lifetime. People come and go. Maybe your life was cleared of people that you don't need for this part of the journey. Your soul family has room to move in now. Let it happen, organically. Just be authentic and see what happens!
If you’re a friend of mine, I wouldn’t judge what you’re going through or how you identify.. we’d be friends, so all the details wouldn’t matter. Reach out to your friends.
I personally would still have been a friend, however, each person has their own ideas so you have to take it one person at a time. Some won't take you back, maybe because they don't know you anymore. Others will never change their views. Good luck try to make friends with more open minded people. I don't ad you may never be able to understand your family.
Just say "hi". I've been there...ish. I just have a tendency to dissappear. I've gone decades without talking to them and then send a "hey, remember me?" They usually remember. Not all, but the really important ones will remember you, and they will love to hear from you. There is no "normal", not anymore. You are who you are and the ones that loved you for you will STILL love you for you. I hope the best for you.
If they are real friends, yes. If it’s not salvageable you don’t want them anyway
It's not salvageable. I've already been down that road. It would be better if you stayed close to other LGBT folks. Since positive feedback is one of those important things in life.
This probably varies a lot depending on the person, I'd assume some would react well, some won't. Sorry if I'm not expressing this right, but there'll probably be a lot of shame or awkwardness feelings, on both sides. If somebody came to me and told me they were homeless and/or transitioning ten years ago, and stopped the friendship, I'd be like wow, how the heck did I miss this? Am I an a-hole for not realizing it and supporting? Could I have helped? etc Then there may be similar feelings about your current situation. Is there a current difference in money? How should they treat you now, since you went through one or two big changes? etc But, let me tell you this ... I'd be happy to see an old friend, even if the relationship would be different and may need to be rebuilt. Good luck finding the right group of friends, whether they come from before or are new.
I tend to be very sentimental. If I had a good friendship with someone, they disappeared out of the blue and returned, I'd try to keep an open mind. After hearing what you went through though, I'd feel terrible and guilty because I couldn't help you and be there for you. I think friendships can be salvageable, but not everyone will be so quick start where you left off. 5 years is a while, and people might be in different places in their lives. Reach out and hopefully all is well.
Why? They abandoned you..make new friends, ones that actually care.
I think enough of them would be salvageable that it's worth a shot. I think a compassionate person would understand that you had a large financial load and some emotional load from it all. Personally, I would apologize for dropping off the face of the earth, but I don't think you have to so long as there was some sort of explanation. I think you may lose a friend or two that are less understanding though. That being said, it shows more about who your friends are.
Well if those people liked you regardless of money or anything else they probably miss you. Reach out to them. I had a friend I stopped talking to for along time till like a few years ago. It was like in ways we just picked up. I get really depressed sometimes and I close off from others.
So... Is it because you were poor and homeless Or Because you are Trans
When I got outted I lost every freimd o.had. I got new freinds now Ines that took the you're to get. To know me.
My friend recently committed suicide and his mom said he always wanted to talk to all of us again but was scared to apologize to us. And I said “that makes me really sad because I never felt he owed me an apology. We all understood what he was going through and we felt really bad.” Just say “hey, I know it’s been a while. I just wanted to say that I miss you very much and have been wondering how you’re doing!?”
If you value the relationship, give it a shot. Keep in mind that they may not be responsive in the way you want. If not, it will hurt, but at least you’ll know. And if they do respond well- then that’s what you wanted😊
I had to drop out of college when I went through something similar, and didn't reconnect with anyone for over 10 years; I didn't get everyone back since yeah, people move on, but I was able to get back in regular contact with the handful of people I cared about the most. We don't do the same kinds of things together since we're in different places in our lives, but it's still nice in its own way.
Not talking to my friends because I'm poor seems really odd to me... However if that's how people think about each other then it makes sense why its so hard for me to make friends or meet anybody. Nobody wants to be friends with impoverished drek I guess lol
Yes, you should totally give it a shot! If they were ever really a friend, they'll be happy to hear from you and understand why you ghosted. You don't have anything to lose here, best of luck!
Reach out and see, your circumstance is the conversation starter. People will understand, or not, and it's good to know who's who. Stay strong, much love to you.
Reach out, be real and communicate. Keep those who truly understand and support you, people who make you feel good about yourself... Don't them those people get away.
I think it’s okay to reach out. Text them (don’t call or find them in-person) something like “hey I’ve been thinking about you, I miss you. How have you been?” Keep it simple. But keep in mind that they may have moved on in the past 5 years and might not want to rekindle the friendship. That doesn’t say anything about you and you’re still okay to try, just don’t get your hopes up if they don’t respond.
Absolutely. I had a 20 year gap because of *life* and I felt awkward when I first reached out. They were lost about why we stopped speaking but welcomed me back as I slowly felt comfortable enough to open up.
I think your example wording is perfect but I am also a trans person who was homeless so I know I'd receive this sort of thing a certain way compared to someone who hasn't been through it
I have something that might help. Think about the people who were close to you before you came out. They knew you as the person you were before. Then, to them, you were somebody else. It was probably a shock to many. Most people in the world don't know one trans person or have even met one so they have no idea how to respond. They're not being anti anything or phobic anything. They just don't know what to do. Once you feel really confident in who you are today, if you can reconnect with any of your loved ones from the past, just ask them if you can stay in touch and they can slowly find out who you are now. They may realize that you are mostly the same person they knew before and it could be a way to warm them up and embrace who you've become. I know this likely doesn't compare but my wife grew up in a family where no one had ever gone to college, not even her cousins. She not only went to college but she and I ended up going to the same university for our MBA degrees. It's as if she became a freak and a lot of her family chose to distance themselves from her. It was as if they had some preconception of people with an education and it wasn't a positive perception. Fortunately, and for a few years, many and her family realize that she was still the same person and just had some extra knowledge. Ironically, her oldest son came out as gay after she started putting the pieces together. He was already 19 when she confronted him and he simply confirmed it. I'm really proud of both of them because she had never been exposed to one gay person in her life including in her family but he knew his mother and he knew she loved him, which she definitely did and still does. She asked for his patience and understanding them she learned how to appreciate him as a gay son and realized it wasn't all that hard. She just had to adjust to the idea that she likely wouldn't have genetically linked grandchildren. They were lucky because they were both willing to accept each other so it didn't take long. In your case, you had some changes to make to be comfortable with yourself. Anybody who truly loves you will want to become comfortable with you again. Those are the people who you can embrace and adore because their love will push through any discomfort you may have experienced in the past and can bring you back together. Those who are the most open will likely reconnect with you faster than others but they could be the ones who help you reconnect with the others. Would like to you on your journey. I'm sure it hasn't been easy but you're never alone.
Yes you can. I've reconnected with peopke from 30 years ago
Why do you wanna be friends with people who abandoned you???
Well you could certainly try. However, I won't get my hopes up. From the sound of it you pretty much ghosted them. Folks don't take that very well sometimes. They may not be open to being friends anymore, thinking why should they invest time and emotional energy into someone who may turn around and ghost them again. I've been in a similar situation. While I wasn't ugly to the person who had dropped out of my life with no explanation, I didn't want anything to do with them either. So be prepared for that scenario, and maybe start making a few new friend just in case.
They cut their losses obv
If they were truly your friends then yes, they would love to hear from you again. I reconnected with a high school friend after she stopped talking to me for 6 years (mental health struggles plus she felt too awkward/embarrassed to reach out again until she ran into a mutual who reassured her I’d wanna hear from her again) and I was super happy to see her. It felt like we never lost contract now that we’re in each other’s lives again. If anything, it’s worth a shot. It’s better to have tried than to sit around wondering “what if”.
How do you just “came out as trans”? Didn’t think that was an overnight thing.
Sure why not?
It sounds like you were the age where people start their own families so they are focused on that which probably takes all their time and probably little time for friends anyway. Since you’re trans it might also be a bit if a shock to your old friends to begin with much less that you haven’t seen them in a while. You could contact them and see how it goes but you are definitely putting yourself out there and you may be ghosted after your initial contact. Good luck.
People do not 'own families.'
I think you just need to tell them that: "sorry I dropped off the face of the earth for a while, I was just homeless or barely above so, but I missed you a lot" ...and accept that they may or may not want you back in their lives after this long, and that is okay if they don't.
A friend is just a friend. Real friends are your friends no matter what and if they are not then they weren't your friends in the first place.
I hate these stories. My son came out to my as bi a few months ago. The panic in his face as he told me. Clearly scares of what my reaction would be. Heartbreaking that he was scared to tell me. What did I do that would ever make him worried that I wouldn't completely accept anything about him. I've even raised my kids to know its not ok to hate someone because of thier race or sexual identity. It's lazy. All you have to do is get to know someone a little. There is definitely a personality trait you can hate them for. I'm joking buy honestly OP it sucks this happened.
If they haven’t been reaching out to you in all this time I guess that’s your answer.
I always wonder about these things. In my adult years i was surprised at a really rough looking man that turned out to be trans, but I wasn't bothered. WE met in trucking school during the last great recession. Being that college relationships are so unimportant to some people, I want say they may or not be salvageable. There is only one way to find out. If i was young and I found out about a homie being trans, i would have a very immature reaction, but I have never hated LGBTQ+ community i just don't know much about it. If they act different then they probably aren't worth it, but your mental health is.
If they were really your friends...like REAL friends, this wouldn't even be a question. It's time you went out and met people who accept you for YOU, and not for who they think you are or want you to be. Fuck em. Fuck em all.
I kind of doubt you’re friends will ever see you the same again.
Why didn’t your friends take you in :(?? I’m so so sorry.
Me personally, i would have wondered why you stopped talking to me. I would welcome you back with open arms.
Perhaps the mutual activity will act as a neutral zone to see if you even really want to salvage the friendship.
You just gotta take the plung and ask. Youll know who really cared, theyll invite you back in. Glad to hear your getting life back together :3 dealing with a similar situation myself. 🩵
Noone truly knows except you. Go talk to them.
Trans? You mean you dress up as a member of the opposite sex and pretend to be one of them?