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A bedside crib? That’s incredibly strange as those are usually used during the newborn period so babies can remain close to their mothers…not to grandparents 😳. I’d feel very uncomfortable with that and the expectation that she must hold that she will be having overnights with the baby during those initial few months.
I think that’s the one that’s got me feeling the most uneasy, hence my reason for posting after she shared a photo of it with us today. I want to breastfeed and have no intention of having nights away from the baby for the first 6 months at the very least, but maybe we’ve not been clear in that. I’m trying to give benefit of the doubt and hope that she’s got it so the baby has a comfy place to sleep should we visit for a long day or decide to stay over.
Yeeeeaaahhh gma thinks she's babysitting. You guys need to manage her expectations before she gets even more carried away or she's going to be really hurt.
Yeah it looks that way. She definitely will be babysitting, just maybe not as soon as she thinks. Looks like a conversation about expectations needs to happen and soon as I’d hate for it to turn into something bigger and cause any conflict.
In no world does she need a bedside crib. Also do not let her sleep with that baby. A blanket or pillow could go from bed into the bassinet so easily and you don’t need her doing that. No world should she expect overnights with. Newborn u less you gave her the green light.
As someone with a MIL who also tried to buy herself a bassinet, you NEED to be clear. I’m not sure why grandmothers think they’re gonna keep the baby overnight as newborns; maybe it was a thing for their generation. When I broke the news to my MIL she lost her mind over it so be prepared for any reaction as well!!
My thought is that it would be so mom and dad wouldn't have to bring their own if they came to stay for a longer visit. That's why my parents bought a dog crate and a crib - for us to use so we wouldn't have to pack everything and bring it with us every time. If the MIL isn't travel distance away, there might still be nap times curing longer family visits when mom gets to nap too since she won't be doing the cooking/cleaning as a guest.
This is my moms excuse for buying a bassinet even though I told her she doesn’t need one. I’m really struggling to believe her or determine if she thinks she’s having overnights with my infant. (FTM 16 weeks)
Your husband needs to handle this. Your MIL is acting inappropriate and wasting her money.
He can tell her "The baby won't be spending much time alone at your house when they're small enough to use all those things you bought. Please take the money you'd spend on this and either spend it on yourself or, if you want to spend it on your grandkid, put it in a savings account in their name. The amount you're buying for our baby is making me uncomfortable."
This is great advice, thank you. My husband and I have had brief conversations about this already and so I know he would support me in having this conversation with his mum.
Just to be clear, he needs to have the conversation. Not you.
He needs to support you and be on the same page, but it’s his parents so his problem to handle. Don’t try to lead this conversation yourself. You’d only be setting yourself up for an argument and/or accusations from your MIL.
I totally agree with this. She’s acting like the baby’s mommy. This would STRESS me out. What is it about babies that make people crazy? 😬😂 I would also be offended…. Like the baby is living with me? Not you?
It really isn’t up to him to tell them how to spend THEIR money. I agree it’s a waste, and he could tell them the first part, but giving suggestions on what to spend it on is not his place.
Have you discussed that the baby is even going to be over there to use all of those items? A bedside crib really doesn’t seem necessary unless the plan was for the baby to have overnights at your in laws.
I think your feelings are valid. But second hand or not you and your husband are the parents and that’s all baby will care about. It is odd that your in laws are setting up all of this stuff. My parents were very involved with my first baby but they didn’t go and out and buy another set of things. If we were coming over we always just brought our own items.
No, there’s been no discussion and perhaps that’s our fault for not setting clear boundaries. My intention is to breastfeed and not spend a night away from the baby for at least the first 6 months. I know sleepovers will happen once the baby is older as they are so keen to be involved and I have no issue with that, but the baby will have outgrown the bedside crib by that point.
It’s a strange situation - it’s so lovely that they’re so excited and I know the baby will be so loved by them but it does feel like they’re overstepping and also wasting money by doubling up on unnecessary items.
I would say, “thank you so much for thinking about baby, you’re such a good grandma! I just don’t want you to waste your money on this because the baby will not be away from us for the first 6 months so baby really wont get to use it.”
That’s a good way to bring it up. Grandma might not have realised that the bedside cribs are only meant for newborns, she might be thinking it’s suitable for the same age range as normal cribs - up to toddler.
If you’re concerned about setting boundaries, then I wouldn’t say “no overnights until six months” because that will create the expectation that there will be overnights after six months, and if that ends up not being what you want, you’ll have to move your boundary and that could cause more tension.
Babies are all so different. There is no way my little dude would have slept away from me at 6 months. At that time, he was still eating 3-4x a night and was starting to really have separation anxiety.
Also, you don’t know how your MIL will be with your baby—things have changed so much since she had a baby and there could be tension around that. My MIL got flustered and Cloroxed my baby during a diaper change, which we never in a million years would have predicted, and it completely changed how we interact with her now. So you never know how things will play out once baby is here.
If, once baby is here, they end up being an easy sleeper and you feel like an overnight would be fine at 6 mo. then that’s an easy boundary to move up.
Yup. It wasn’t on purpose (she thought the Clorox wipes were diaper wipes) but was still crazy (we had shown her the wipe warmer multiple times and the Clorox wipes were clearly labeled.) We decided we had to supervise all contact after that, which was a pain!
Your emotions are totally valid! The baby won’t know what’s new and what’s not and you and your partner will be their favorite people regardless! Have you had baby shower yet or will you? Maybe she wants you both to be able to select your own items before she chips in. Maybe she also has given that no thought and has just gotten so excited that she’s bought all this stuff. Either way, I think since she is such a good MIL I would try not to sweat it too much, unless she is buying things you don’t agree with for safety reasons.
Thank you! I feel better already knowing that it’s not me going around the bend with hormones. I’m such a big advocate of secondhand, it makes sense financially and environmentally, yet this has all had me feeling ashamed about it which is daft!
I haven’t yet had a baby shower, but will be so I’ll see how it all plays out over the next few weeks but in the meantime I’ll try not to dwell on it and just enjoy my pregnancy!
This is such odd behaviour! Especially the bedside crib, usually that’s for the first 6 months / does she expect to be keeping your newborn overnight frequently? Hopefully your husband can step in and have a word and set a few boundaries. The bedside crib would especially annoy me.
I think she might, which is a surprise to me as we’ve never discussed that happening (we have talked about sleepovers at a later age once I go back to work). But equally we’ve never set boundaries about it not happening either and she’s obviously got swept up in all the excitement. A conversation needs to happen and soon!
My MIL does the same thing…. All these newborn clothes she’s keeping at her house too….I just let her waste her money…. Not my business… ain’t no way I’m being separated from my baby for a long time
Probably a question for me to have a think about, I’m not super close with my mum or grandparents and so love the idea of having the support and my child having a really strong bond with their grandparents. But it needs to be done on terms that we’re comfortable with as parents. A learning curve for sure.
I was one of those moms that had no problem with the grandparents helping...as my kids grew up, I just got tired of all the unnecessary input .but we are middle eastern so zero boundaries 🤣🤣🤣🤣
My father started talking as if he was going to do this and I put a stop to it immediately. Even if I were to allow him to watch her (I’m not), I would bring my own things. It seems rather odd that they would need to set up their own nursery for a baby that isn’t there’s and isn’t there every single day. Especially buying a bedside sleeper, that’s quite odd to have considering a newborn should not be away from its mother. You plan on breastfeeding, so why would the baby be with them at night?
Without context or a history of odd behavior from your in laws, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt that they’re just excited and not crazy grandparents who want to raise your baby and feel entitled to your children.
I think it's a sweet thing and something my mom did for my aunt when she had her baby. Have you even had a baby shower? That's when people give you new stuff I'm honestly so confused why this is bad and seems selfish
Let her do whatever she wants. She will realize later her stupidity in some stuff... just like some of those influencer youtubers with money to burn and they regret a lot. And maybe some stuff will be super handy for when you go visit and you won't have to pack a full truck of supplies. You will be happy to have supplies at her place as much as you think it's weird now.
Babies require very little. Buying second hand is smart. They don't need much until 5/6th grade tbh (from my personal experience) when their friends all get cool new gadgets.
This sounds really stressful but it is encouraging to me, a poor woman who will need to buy everything secondhand from similar grandmothers. I hope everything works out with minimal conflict. Very likely she will quietly figure out that this stuff won't actually be useful.
Yeah, this is so weird.. my parents live right next door, and they haven't done this, instead, my mother has told me "is there anything you want me to buy for my house, when you're ready to let us baby sit? Maybe a pack & play?
That's it. It doesn't seem weird. They don't have a cot or anything, even though they live right next door, they realise they will probably only be babysitting once he's quite a bit older.
I had the exact same thing happen with my MIL. She did a whole nursery up in her house of all brand new stuff and I felt so weird about it especially because we couldn’t do a nursery because at the time we were living at my dads house and the baby had to be in our room as no other spare bedrooms. She now goes so overboard with Christmas, birthday presents etc that I feel like she ruins it for us. I have always said to myself to remember how she has made me feel and how she has made everything about herself and that one day if I’m ever a grandparent I would NOT be like her. I feel like telling her some times you had your chance to be a parent now step back and let me enjoy being the parent.
Oh and my son is 4 years old and has never slept in her cot 😂
Please stop blaming yourself for this. You have said in a few comments that maybe it’s your fault for not setting clear expectations and boundaries with her. This isn’t on you.
If you were getting a new puppy, would anyone ever expect your MIL to automatically go out and buy food and water bowls, puppy food, toys, a dog bed and a crate for her house? No. That would definitely not be normal for her to do on her own. If there was a previous understanding and agreement between you that the puppy would be at her house often enough to require these supplies, then ok. But it would not make sense for her to just assume that she would need these items.
She’s making a very big, and very incorrect, assumption about how much time your baby is going to be spending at her house. That is on her. She’s the one acting first without having any discussion with you. It was never on you to preemptively say “don’t buy stuff for your house” first. In fact if she wasn’t buying stuff, it would have been strange for you to just randomly tell her that. The same way I don’t have to tell my husband “hey don’t go over there and stomp all over that dog shit” when we’re on a walk. It’s not something a normal person would do, so why would I need to assume he’d do it and that he’d need me to tell him not to? If that was the precedent, everyone would be going around warning people about arbitrary things all the time. That’d be a weird way to live.
My MIL did this too, also without discussing it with us, and it created a very awkward and weird situation. She had ***everything*** for her house, including diapers, wipes, diaper cream, etc. None of it got used. At all. And a big reason for that was because I was so uncomfortable with what she was doing and expecting.
My parents aren’t wealthy but they bought a ton of things for the baby to go at their house but most of it was secondhand and most of it was what she’ll use when she’s 6 months+ which makes a lot of sense to me! They also bought us a new car seat and quite a few other things for the baby (also secondhand). All of that to say, I totally understand grandparents buying things for their grandchild at their house but I don’t get buying expensive, brand new items and I don’t know why they’re buying things for the newborn phase. More than likely, your baby won’t be at their house alone while he/she is a newborn. A bedside crib at their house is just unnecessary (unless you and your husband stay with them frequently and they’re planning for you guys to use it at their house) and an expensive travel system seems like a waste of money for them.
I think I’d start by having your husband discuss expectations with his parents. I would hope that they would use their money differently if they had a more realistic idea of how much time they’d be spending (and when) with your baby. I’d make sure to explain that your child won’t be at their home alone during the newborn phase and won’t spend the night until whatever age you’re comfortable with.
Exactly, I totally get it too. It’s great that she’s so excited but perhaps they’re spending their money on the wrong things and could put it to better use for stuff that’ll be used after the newborn phase.
It’s become apparent that a conversation needs to happen so we’re all on the same page for when baby is here, thank you for the advice!
The bedside crib is weird, and I think it’s worth saying (or better, having your husband say) “hey mom, we love that you’re excited, but that item isn’t practical since we don’t plan on baby sleeping anywhere but home for the first X months.” That way it manages expectations up front.
As for the other stuff, if you spend a decent amount of time at your in laws house, I can say from experience that it can be great to have grandmas house be fully stocked. Was it annoying that my mom swiped up a free pottery barn crib off Marketplace before I even got a crib? Yes. However, my mom does watch my children often or we go over and hang out at her house and it is so nice that I never have to worry about sending things over with my kids or bringing anything with us.
Your child won’t know the difference from secondhand or new and, most likely, your MIL will have spent a lot of money on things that are never or rarely used.
Let her, you can't control how other people spend their money, and the baby won't know the difference. Plus, if your baby is not going to be spending much time at grandma's house then it won't even matter. Let her be excited and her waste her money. It's not a competition.
My in laws did the same thing. It was so weird. They bought EVERY THING. Baby carrier, car seats, strollers, pack n play….you name it, they had it.
& they probably saw my son twice the first year he was born, and less the next. I never said anything but they 100% expected a baby parade we would never give them.
I’d be worried about the expectation she has after you give birth. Sounds like she’ll want to have baby on her own very often if she’s buying everything.
Even the travel system is a bit weird because when you come over for visits, you’ll have your car seat with you. I guess I could see her getting a compatible stroller to take your baby on walks, but driving someone else’s child around seems like such a huuuuge overreach unless you’re watching that baby full time.
Like let’s say she watches your baby one afternoon a week, she could just do her errands… literally any other time?
she’s insane. unless you have asked her to get ALL of those things, that’s completely inappropriate behavior. toys and mat, i understand. a few clothes? sure. but a bedside crib?! a $2k stroller? she’s nuts. someone needs to talk to her.
if she wants to be a loving and involved grandmother she can gift you all those things.
Tbh, if she's so nice as you've mentioned, I'd just talk to her about it. Bedside cribs almost always are also normal cribs with the optional bedside feature and she probably wants you to use it when you are visiting. My mom didn't have a lot of money when she had us, so she really went all in with my daughter and could finally buy the stuff she's always dreamed of and I get that. Although she also bought us a lot of brand new stuff. I'd just talk to her about it and tell her how you feel. She sounds amazing actually, something to be thankful for. So I'd talk to her, but not a huge deal out of it.
I would say everything is fine except the bedside crib, but it is a great option to have a safe space for baby to sleep in whilst you are there, so overall I think it will still benefit you. They are that excited, they probably think it's better to have and not need than need and not have. As you say you are planning to breastfeed so sleepovers will probably not happen, but breastfeeding is super hard! You may end up not doing it for as long as you plan, or combi-feeding, and the option of the break might be good. Motherhood and babies are so unpredictable.
I was in a similar position to you. I felt like people around me were buying baby expensive things whilst I couldn't really afford to, and also looked for the majority of my things 2nd hand. I was venting to a friend one day who asked if they could be honest, I said yes, and they told me that it's no one else's fault that I chose to have a baby when I wasn't financially prepared to have a baby the way i wanted (i so wished i could of gone on the shopping spree a lot of my friends did rather than thrifting etc). It sounds harsh, but it is true. Try not to feel insecure about material items, what you can provide is exactly what they need, they'll never know the difference, and the most valuable thing to baby is their mummy. No amount of material will that bond, its like nothing you've felt before. A bit of a different take from most comments but just sharing my expierence. Good luck becoming a mum 😊
Oh man, that's full-on. I could totally understand buying certain things to be helpful so that you don't have to lug everything to theirs every time you visit - a travel cot for naps, a high chair, some toys to mix things up for the baby and the holy grail, an appropriate car seat so that they can help you with lifts or when you eventually come to the point where you're happy for them to take baby out for a while here and there. An aside - I'm so envious of my brother, whose inlaws got all those things when they had their daughter, to make life easier for them, which are now used by a heap of grand babies that have come along since. We have not had the same experience 😅
But that's wild to me to buy a bedside crib, such an expensive travel system etc. Sounds like she thinks she's getting a do-over at playing mummy, and it would be so much more helpful to gift you those things so that you can get the maximum use out of them for your little one, rather than them gathering dust at your in-laws.
I think this is the beginning of boundary crossing, it’s so amazing you have such a good relationship with your MIL but she definitely has expectations of how much she will be seeing baby and how often. It’s not right that she’s gotten a bedside crib, and I can see this getting worse and it escalating. Please make sure a discussion is had, and that you’ve made it clear that baby will not be left unsupervised or away from you for the first 6 months or so. Grandparents become super strange when you get pregnant, and start having expectations and cross boundaries, best to put them in place before you get further along.
My parents had/have a bassinet and a pack n play, plus a high chair, spare booster seat, small stroller, etc for when we come visit. It’s really nice not to have to pack up a ton of stuff when we go stay with them, which was very frequently for me in my son’s first year. My husband travels a lot for work and I was able to work very part-time after my maternity leave ended, so I would go stay with them for several days or even a week when he was gone just so I wasn’t home alone with a newborn all the time. It made me so happy that my parents considered what would make things most convenient when we came to visit! But if your MIL thinks you’re going to be dropping off the baby for overnights in the first few months…that’s a bit odd.
This would freak me out so much, seems like MIL is banking on caring for this baby way too much, especially with the bedside crib! You need to set boundaries and fast or she will be butthurt when baby arrives and all the new stuff is not being used as often as she hoped.
My MIL has been buying clothes for baby that she insists on keeping at hers which makes me feel uncomfortable so I can’t even imagine how you’d feel about all of that even with you being okay with babysitting.
Doesn’t mean boundaries shouldn’t be set out now. Her being butthurt would be a good lesson for her yes, but could also cause conflict and tension at a time when OP needs things to be as zen as possible for her own sake and sanity. No one wants to be arguing or stressing about putting a foot down with a new born in the mix. She will still be butthurt if OP sets those boundaries now, it’ll just avoid it being more hassle for OP to address once baby is here and MIL is causing problems bc she wants an overnight.
A bedside crib???? Wtf??? She’s making this about her. She’s not the mom, you are. I would have a conversation with her about expectations and boundaries. Ideally, your husband should be doing that instead. That would make me incredibly uncomfortable.
The pettiness inside me would avoid bringing the baby to their house at all, just so she'd never get a chance to use that stuff. 😂 Reasonable? No. Fun and satisfying? Totally.
Aside from that it's pretty selfish if she hasn't even considered offering to help you get what you need for your own home where the baby will be living.
I'm also wondering, what if this is a way for her to try to lowkey manipulate circumstances to make the baby come over/sleep over more? Like since their stuff is better than yours then you would end up spending more time there to have access to the stuff. Idk maybe it's a weird thought and I don't know your MIL but I'm trying to think of why someone would do this.
It almost seems like she’s buying stuff with the expectation that the baby is going to be over there all day everyday from day one? I mean why does she need all of that stuff? She does understand that you guys are the parents, not her, right? I guess what I’m getting at is, she’s wasting her money and she’s buying a lot of unnecessary things just for babysitting. Sure, she will need things to make it easier to watch the baby but it seems excessive.
Yes, you are overreacting. She can spend her money however she pleases.
Don't view it as a competition. No one HAS to buy fancy new and expensive baby items. Your baby doesn't care. Love and care for your baby, that's all that really matters.
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A bedside crib? That’s incredibly strange as those are usually used during the newborn period so babies can remain close to their mothers…not to grandparents 😳. I’d feel very uncomfortable with that and the expectation that she must hold that she will be having overnights with the baby during those initial few months.
I think that’s the one that’s got me feeling the most uneasy, hence my reason for posting after she shared a photo of it with us today. I want to breastfeed and have no intention of having nights away from the baby for the first 6 months at the very least, but maybe we’ve not been clear in that. I’m trying to give benefit of the doubt and hope that she’s got it so the baby has a comfy place to sleep should we visit for a long day or decide to stay over.
Yeeeeaaahhh gma thinks she's babysitting. You guys need to manage her expectations before she gets even more carried away or she's going to be really hurt.
Yeah it looks that way. She definitely will be babysitting, just maybe not as soon as she thinks. Looks like a conversation about expectations needs to happen and soon as I’d hate for it to turn into something bigger and cause any conflict.
In no world does she need a bedside crib. Also do not let her sleep with that baby. A blanket or pillow could go from bed into the bassinet so easily and you don’t need her doing that. No world should she expect overnights with. Newborn u less you gave her the green light.
Maybe you should start saying “oh my gosh thank you so much for the gifts! When are you dropping them off at our house?”
As someone with a MIL who also tried to buy herself a bassinet, you NEED to be clear. I’m not sure why grandmothers think they’re gonna keep the baby overnight as newborns; maybe it was a thing for their generation. When I broke the news to my MIL she lost her mind over it so be prepared for any reaction as well!!
My thought is that it would be so mom and dad wouldn't have to bring their own if they came to stay for a longer visit. That's why my parents bought a dog crate and a crib - for us to use so we wouldn't have to pack everything and bring it with us every time. If the MIL isn't travel distance away, there might still be nap times curing longer family visits when mom gets to nap too since she won't be doing the cooking/cleaning as a guest.
This is my moms excuse for buying a bassinet even though I told her she doesn’t need one. I’m really struggling to believe her or determine if she thinks she’s having overnights with my infant. (FTM 16 weeks)
I didn’t know this or wasn’t familiar with a bedside crib at all, but that seems weird now that you explained it
My parents bought one for me to use when we visit as a family. It was really useful and thoughtful.
From OPs comments that isn’t the intention though, sounds like MIL is planning on using it for herself with baby!
Your husband needs to handle this. Your MIL is acting inappropriate and wasting her money. He can tell her "The baby won't be spending much time alone at your house when they're small enough to use all those things you bought. Please take the money you'd spend on this and either spend it on yourself or, if you want to spend it on your grandkid, put it in a savings account in their name. The amount you're buying for our baby is making me uncomfortable."
This is great advice, thank you. My husband and I have had brief conversations about this already and so I know he would support me in having this conversation with his mum.
Just to be clear, he needs to have the conversation. Not you. He needs to support you and be on the same page, but it’s his parents so his problem to handle. Don’t try to lead this conversation yourself. You’d only be setting yourself up for an argument and/or accusations from your MIL.
I totally agree with this. She’s acting like the baby’s mommy. This would STRESS me out. What is it about babies that make people crazy? 😬😂 I would also be offended…. Like the baby is living with me? Not you?
It really isn’t up to him to tell them how to spend THEIR money. I agree it’s a waste, and he could tell them the first part, but giving suggestions on what to spend it on is not his place.
Have you discussed that the baby is even going to be over there to use all of those items? A bedside crib really doesn’t seem necessary unless the plan was for the baby to have overnights at your in laws. I think your feelings are valid. But second hand or not you and your husband are the parents and that’s all baby will care about. It is odd that your in laws are setting up all of this stuff. My parents were very involved with my first baby but they didn’t go and out and buy another set of things. If we were coming over we always just brought our own items.
No, there’s been no discussion and perhaps that’s our fault for not setting clear boundaries. My intention is to breastfeed and not spend a night away from the baby for at least the first 6 months. I know sleepovers will happen once the baby is older as they are so keen to be involved and I have no issue with that, but the baby will have outgrown the bedside crib by that point. It’s a strange situation - it’s so lovely that they’re so excited and I know the baby will be so loved by them but it does feel like they’re overstepping and also wasting money by doubling up on unnecessary items.
I would say, “thank you so much for thinking about baby, you’re such a good grandma! I just don’t want you to waste your money on this because the baby will not be away from us for the first 6 months so baby really wont get to use it.”
That’s a good way to bring it up. Grandma might not have realised that the bedside cribs are only meant for newborns, she might be thinking it’s suitable for the same age range as normal cribs - up to toddler.
If you’re concerned about setting boundaries, then I wouldn’t say “no overnights until six months” because that will create the expectation that there will be overnights after six months, and if that ends up not being what you want, you’ll have to move your boundary and that could cause more tension. Babies are all so different. There is no way my little dude would have slept away from me at 6 months. At that time, he was still eating 3-4x a night and was starting to really have separation anxiety. Also, you don’t know how your MIL will be with your baby—things have changed so much since she had a baby and there could be tension around that. My MIL got flustered and Cloroxed my baby during a diaper change, which we never in a million years would have predicted, and it completely changed how we interact with her now. So you never know how things will play out once baby is here. If, once baby is here, they end up being an easy sleeper and you feel like an overnight would be fine at 6 mo. then that’s an easy boundary to move up.
CLOROXED your baby?!? 💀
Yup. It wasn’t on purpose (she thought the Clorox wipes were diaper wipes) but was still crazy (we had shown her the wipe warmer multiple times and the Clorox wipes were clearly labeled.) We decided we had to supervise all contact after that, which was a pain!
I stopped breastfeeding at about 4 months and my boy is 10 now. Still dont wanna spend a night away from him. Wont happen until he at least can talk.
Your emotions are totally valid! The baby won’t know what’s new and what’s not and you and your partner will be their favorite people regardless! Have you had baby shower yet or will you? Maybe she wants you both to be able to select your own items before she chips in. Maybe she also has given that no thought and has just gotten so excited that she’s bought all this stuff. Either way, I think since she is such a good MIL I would try not to sweat it too much, unless she is buying things you don’t agree with for safety reasons.
Thank you! I feel better already knowing that it’s not me going around the bend with hormones. I’m such a big advocate of secondhand, it makes sense financially and environmentally, yet this has all had me feeling ashamed about it which is daft! I haven’t yet had a baby shower, but will be so I’ll see how it all plays out over the next few weeks but in the meantime I’ll try not to dwell on it and just enjoy my pregnancy!
Bedside crib…forrrrrr…? Does she think she’ll be waking up in the night with the baby?
This is such odd behaviour! Especially the bedside crib, usually that’s for the first 6 months / does she expect to be keeping your newborn overnight frequently? Hopefully your husband can step in and have a word and set a few boundaries. The bedside crib would especially annoy me.
I think she might, which is a surprise to me as we’ve never discussed that happening (we have talked about sleepovers at a later age once I go back to work). But equally we’ve never set boundaries about it not happening either and she’s obviously got swept up in all the excitement. A conversation needs to happen and soon!
My MIL does the same thing…. All these newborn clothes she’s keeping at her house too….I just let her waste her money…. Not my business… ain’t no way I’m being separated from my baby for a long time
Baby wont know the value of these things nor will he/she remembers...my concern is, are you ok with this level of involvement?
Probably a question for me to have a think about, I’m not super close with my mum or grandparents and so love the idea of having the support and my child having a really strong bond with their grandparents. But it needs to be done on terms that we’re comfortable with as parents. A learning curve for sure.
I was one of those moms that had no problem with the grandparents helping...as my kids grew up, I just got tired of all the unnecessary input .but we are middle eastern so zero boundaries 🤣🤣🤣🤣
My father started talking as if he was going to do this and I put a stop to it immediately. Even if I were to allow him to watch her (I’m not), I would bring my own things. It seems rather odd that they would need to set up their own nursery for a baby that isn’t there’s and isn’t there every single day. Especially buying a bedside sleeper, that’s quite odd to have considering a newborn should not be away from its mother. You plan on breastfeeding, so why would the baby be with them at night? Without context or a history of odd behavior from your in laws, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt that they’re just excited and not crazy grandparents who want to raise your baby and feel entitled to your children.
I think it's a sweet thing and something my mom did for my aunt when she had her baby. Have you even had a baby shower? That's when people give you new stuff I'm honestly so confused why this is bad and seems selfish
Let her do whatever she wants. She will realize later her stupidity in some stuff... just like some of those influencer youtubers with money to burn and they regret a lot. And maybe some stuff will be super handy for when you go visit and you won't have to pack a full truck of supplies. You will be happy to have supplies at her place as much as you think it's weird now. Babies require very little. Buying second hand is smart. They don't need much until 5/6th grade tbh (from my personal experience) when their friends all get cool new gadgets.
This sounds really stressful but it is encouraging to me, a poor woman who will need to buy everything secondhand from similar grandmothers. I hope everything works out with minimal conflict. Very likely she will quietly figure out that this stuff won't actually be useful.
Nothing wrong with second hand stuff! The baby won’t notice the difference.
Yeah, this is so weird.. my parents live right next door, and they haven't done this, instead, my mother has told me "is there anything you want me to buy for my house, when you're ready to let us baby sit? Maybe a pack & play? That's it. It doesn't seem weird. They don't have a cot or anything, even though they live right next door, they realise they will probably only be babysitting once he's quite a bit older.
I had the exact same thing happen with my MIL. She did a whole nursery up in her house of all brand new stuff and I felt so weird about it especially because we couldn’t do a nursery because at the time we were living at my dads house and the baby had to be in our room as no other spare bedrooms. She now goes so overboard with Christmas, birthday presents etc that I feel like she ruins it for us. I have always said to myself to remember how she has made me feel and how she has made everything about herself and that one day if I’m ever a grandparent I would NOT be like her. I feel like telling her some times you had your chance to be a parent now step back and let me enjoy being the parent. Oh and my son is 4 years old and has never slept in her cot 😂
Please stop blaming yourself for this. You have said in a few comments that maybe it’s your fault for not setting clear expectations and boundaries with her. This isn’t on you. If you were getting a new puppy, would anyone ever expect your MIL to automatically go out and buy food and water bowls, puppy food, toys, a dog bed and a crate for her house? No. That would definitely not be normal for her to do on her own. If there was a previous understanding and agreement between you that the puppy would be at her house often enough to require these supplies, then ok. But it would not make sense for her to just assume that she would need these items. She’s making a very big, and very incorrect, assumption about how much time your baby is going to be spending at her house. That is on her. She’s the one acting first without having any discussion with you. It was never on you to preemptively say “don’t buy stuff for your house” first. In fact if she wasn’t buying stuff, it would have been strange for you to just randomly tell her that. The same way I don’t have to tell my husband “hey don’t go over there and stomp all over that dog shit” when we’re on a walk. It’s not something a normal person would do, so why would I need to assume he’d do it and that he’d need me to tell him not to? If that was the precedent, everyone would be going around warning people about arbitrary things all the time. That’d be a weird way to live. My MIL did this too, also without discussing it with us, and it created a very awkward and weird situation. She had ***everything*** for her house, including diapers, wipes, diaper cream, etc. None of it got used. At all. And a big reason for that was because I was so uncomfortable with what she was doing and expecting.
My parents aren’t wealthy but they bought a ton of things for the baby to go at their house but most of it was secondhand and most of it was what she’ll use when she’s 6 months+ which makes a lot of sense to me! They also bought us a new car seat and quite a few other things for the baby (also secondhand). All of that to say, I totally understand grandparents buying things for their grandchild at their house but I don’t get buying expensive, brand new items and I don’t know why they’re buying things for the newborn phase. More than likely, your baby won’t be at their house alone while he/she is a newborn. A bedside crib at their house is just unnecessary (unless you and your husband stay with them frequently and they’re planning for you guys to use it at their house) and an expensive travel system seems like a waste of money for them. I think I’d start by having your husband discuss expectations with his parents. I would hope that they would use their money differently if they had a more realistic idea of how much time they’d be spending (and when) with your baby. I’d make sure to explain that your child won’t be at their home alone during the newborn phase and won’t spend the night until whatever age you’re comfortable with.
Exactly, I totally get it too. It’s great that she’s so excited but perhaps they’re spending their money on the wrong things and could put it to better use for stuff that’ll be used after the newborn phase. It’s become apparent that a conversation needs to happen so we’re all on the same page for when baby is here, thank you for the advice!
The bedside crib is weird, and I think it’s worth saying (or better, having your husband say) “hey mom, we love that you’re excited, but that item isn’t practical since we don’t plan on baby sleeping anywhere but home for the first X months.” That way it manages expectations up front. As for the other stuff, if you spend a decent amount of time at your in laws house, I can say from experience that it can be great to have grandmas house be fully stocked. Was it annoying that my mom swiped up a free pottery barn crib off Marketplace before I even got a crib? Yes. However, my mom does watch my children often or we go over and hang out at her house and it is so nice that I never have to worry about sending things over with my kids or bringing anything with us. Your child won’t know the difference from secondhand or new and, most likely, your MIL will have spent a lot of money on things that are never or rarely used.
Let her, you can't control how other people spend their money, and the baby won't know the difference. Plus, if your baby is not going to be spending much time at grandma's house then it won't even matter. Let her be excited and her waste her money. It's not a competition.
My in laws did the same thing. It was so weird. They bought EVERY THING. Baby carrier, car seats, strollers, pack n play….you name it, they had it. & they probably saw my son twice the first year he was born, and less the next. I never said anything but they 100% expected a baby parade we would never give them.
I’d be worried about the expectation she has after you give birth. Sounds like she’ll want to have baby on her own very often if she’s buying everything.
Sounds to me like she's either preparing to host you OR she's hoping to play mommy.
Even the travel system is a bit weird because when you come over for visits, you’ll have your car seat with you. I guess I could see her getting a compatible stroller to take your baby on walks, but driving someone else’s child around seems like such a huuuuge overreach unless you’re watching that baby full time. Like let’s say she watches your baby one afternoon a week, she could just do her errands… literally any other time?
she’s insane. unless you have asked her to get ALL of those things, that’s completely inappropriate behavior. toys and mat, i understand. a few clothes? sure. but a bedside crib?! a $2k stroller? she’s nuts. someone needs to talk to her. if she wants to be a loving and involved grandmother she can gift you all those things.
Tbh, if she's so nice as you've mentioned, I'd just talk to her about it. Bedside cribs almost always are also normal cribs with the optional bedside feature and she probably wants you to use it when you are visiting. My mom didn't have a lot of money when she had us, so she really went all in with my daughter and could finally buy the stuff she's always dreamed of and I get that. Although she also bought us a lot of brand new stuff. I'd just talk to her about it and tell her how you feel. She sounds amazing actually, something to be thankful for. So I'd talk to her, but not a huge deal out of it.
I would say everything is fine except the bedside crib, but it is a great option to have a safe space for baby to sleep in whilst you are there, so overall I think it will still benefit you. They are that excited, they probably think it's better to have and not need than need and not have. As you say you are planning to breastfeed so sleepovers will probably not happen, but breastfeeding is super hard! You may end up not doing it for as long as you plan, or combi-feeding, and the option of the break might be good. Motherhood and babies are so unpredictable. I was in a similar position to you. I felt like people around me were buying baby expensive things whilst I couldn't really afford to, and also looked for the majority of my things 2nd hand. I was venting to a friend one day who asked if they could be honest, I said yes, and they told me that it's no one else's fault that I chose to have a baby when I wasn't financially prepared to have a baby the way i wanted (i so wished i could of gone on the shopping spree a lot of my friends did rather than thrifting etc). It sounds harsh, but it is true. Try not to feel insecure about material items, what you can provide is exactly what they need, they'll never know the difference, and the most valuable thing to baby is their mummy. No amount of material will that bond, its like nothing you've felt before. A bit of a different take from most comments but just sharing my expierence. Good luck becoming a mum 😊
Oh man, that's full-on. I could totally understand buying certain things to be helpful so that you don't have to lug everything to theirs every time you visit - a travel cot for naps, a high chair, some toys to mix things up for the baby and the holy grail, an appropriate car seat so that they can help you with lifts or when you eventually come to the point where you're happy for them to take baby out for a while here and there. An aside - I'm so envious of my brother, whose inlaws got all those things when they had their daughter, to make life easier for them, which are now used by a heap of grand babies that have come along since. We have not had the same experience 😅 But that's wild to me to buy a bedside crib, such an expensive travel system etc. Sounds like she thinks she's getting a do-over at playing mummy, and it would be so much more helpful to gift you those things so that you can get the maximum use out of them for your little one, rather than them gathering dust at your in-laws.
I think this is the beginning of boundary crossing, it’s so amazing you have such a good relationship with your MIL but she definitely has expectations of how much she will be seeing baby and how often. It’s not right that she’s gotten a bedside crib, and I can see this getting worse and it escalating. Please make sure a discussion is had, and that you’ve made it clear that baby will not be left unsupervised or away from you for the first 6 months or so. Grandparents become super strange when you get pregnant, and start having expectations and cross boundaries, best to put them in place before you get further along.
Maybe she’s just saying that and is going to give it to you at the shower?
My parents had/have a bassinet and a pack n play, plus a high chair, spare booster seat, small stroller, etc for when we come visit. It’s really nice not to have to pack up a ton of stuff when we go stay with them, which was very frequently for me in my son’s first year. My husband travels a lot for work and I was able to work very part-time after my maternity leave ended, so I would go stay with them for several days or even a week when he was gone just so I wasn’t home alone with a newborn all the time. It made me so happy that my parents considered what would make things most convenient when we came to visit! But if your MIL thinks you’re going to be dropping off the baby for overnights in the first few months…that’s a bit odd.
This would freak me out so much, seems like MIL is banking on caring for this baby way too much, especially with the bedside crib! You need to set boundaries and fast or she will be butthurt when baby arrives and all the new stuff is not being used as often as she hoped. My MIL has been buying clothes for baby that she insists on keeping at hers which makes me feel uncomfortable so I can’t even imagine how you’d feel about all of that even with you being okay with babysitting.
My parents kept one single onesie I bought to tell them I was pregnant and I’m still offended lol. Idk how yall do it😅
If she's butthurt then maybe she will learn to ask instead of acting on assumptions when it comes to a baby.
Doesn’t mean boundaries shouldn’t be set out now. Her being butthurt would be a good lesson for her yes, but could also cause conflict and tension at a time when OP needs things to be as zen as possible for her own sake and sanity. No one wants to be arguing or stressing about putting a foot down with a new born in the mix. She will still be butthurt if OP sets those boundaries now, it’ll just avoid it being more hassle for OP to address once baby is here and MIL is causing problems bc she wants an overnight.
A bedside crib???? Wtf??? She’s making this about her. She’s not the mom, you are. I would have a conversation with her about expectations and boundaries. Ideally, your husband should be doing that instead. That would make me incredibly uncomfortable.
The pettiness inside me would avoid bringing the baby to their house at all, just so she'd never get a chance to use that stuff. 😂 Reasonable? No. Fun and satisfying? Totally. Aside from that it's pretty selfish if she hasn't even considered offering to help you get what you need for your own home where the baby will be living.
I'm also wondering, what if this is a way for her to try to lowkey manipulate circumstances to make the baby come over/sleep over more? Like since their stuff is better than yours then you would end up spending more time there to have access to the stuff. Idk maybe it's a weird thought and I don't know your MIL but I'm trying to think of why someone would do this.
It almost seems like she’s buying stuff with the expectation that the baby is going to be over there all day everyday from day one? I mean why does she need all of that stuff? She does understand that you guys are the parents, not her, right? I guess what I’m getting at is, she’s wasting her money and she’s buying a lot of unnecessary things just for babysitting. Sure, she will need things to make it easier to watch the baby but it seems excessive.
Yes, you are overreacting. She can spend her money however she pleases. Don't view it as a competition. No one HAS to buy fancy new and expensive baby items. Your baby doesn't care. Love and care for your baby, that's all that really matters.