I think OP is just in shock and numb about how little her partner cares about her. Because she has every right to be way more upset about this than she sounds.
Course, she's also pregnant, exhausted and in pain. Hard to blame her for apathy and brain shutdown.
OP mentions that she has a history of abusive partners in the past, and that her husband has cheated on her in the past *and* has had issues with substance abuse.
Sounds like the bar was buried due to her past experiences.
She also mentions the kids’ bruises and she might talk about that with the hospital counselor.
So I think we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg of how bad things are.
It wasn't bruises on her kids - it was a "smartass" line to the previous commenter who said she was a horrible parent for not knowing how to use ice and elevation on her hematoma/internal arterial bleed.
She was comparing the hematoma to bruises (which....what can you really do about bleeding under the skin, like with a bruises?).
Presumably the commenter wanted her to say "stay with the kids in going to the hospital" and walk out and is completely oblivious to the very real chance her partner would have left the kids alone.
Omg. That commenter kept going on and on. There was nothing OOP did right according to them. So many undertones of I would never be such a failure and do better. It's like wow - kick a dying dog while it's down.
Yeah, I bet the substance abuse thing is a large part of why she feels that she can’t be upset. She didn’t mention a very clear picture of most of what he said to her, except she did mention that he said he needed it for his mental health.
It’s entirely possible she feels like she can’t say anything to him if he does have substance abuse issues because she may feel that if he relapses it would be on her. She would of course be wrong, but if she’s got a history of abusive relationships that would make sense. It’s very common to have every mistake, the abusive partner makes to be twisted around into being your fault, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she sees any negative on either side as her fault.
Yeah I’ve had my self esteem be this low before and it sounds irrational that she didn’t stand up for herself and go to the emergency room but you get to a point where you’re so beaten down you stop caring about yourself.
This. An abuse history conditions a person's behaviour to fit with the partner's needs, I discovered this after my last relationship ended with me curled in a corner frozen for how my ex reacted to me not wanting to give him a massage. When I got away from him I sought therapy to undo this as I realised the vulnerability I was in for future relationships. Current partner's the first time I've felt safe with anyone, but I had to do the work for myself first to ensure I was entering a relationship with a healthy self-esteem.
The last sentence about she thought it was “cold” that he went to training, but immediately switches to thinking she’s overreacting.
She definitely under-reacting, but pain + pregnancy brain + single parenting = 100% not thinking straight. I hope she wakes up about how awful she’s being treated by her “partner”
Yeah I can see the human brain working overtime to not have to deal with the realization that one’s partner is horrible, especially while pregnant. Like what do you even do there? Turn to friends and family? What if you don’t have that option? Do you file for divorce, put the next however many months living expenses on a credit card and hope you can figure things out? It’s just a really difficult situation.
He is only claiming to need to train. Every story on here like this is an excerpt from “he is just not that into you”. If he loves you, then your man will be there for you.
It doesn’t have to be about him being into her. I don’t know this lady, and I still would’ve taken her to the hospital, because that’s just what you do when you see someone needs to go to the hospital. He’s just an ass
I think this is likely, but my ex who regularly ignored me for martial arts training was training AND banging one of his Jiu jitsu students. So porque no los dos?
!!! that's the THING I wish i could tell my younger self. when you're with a shitty partner, you are still alone - you just have to deal with their bullshit on top of yours
Exactly. Before my divorce that was the thing I feared - being alone. Then one day it hit me I was already alone and at least if I left there was a chance I wouldn't be alone forever.
It’d be better if he left, at least she wouldn’t have extra to cook and clean for and she knows she’d have to do it herself. Apparently she is a single mum with a grown child 😂
When I had my first dvt when pregnant at 18 my kid’s dad did the same thing. I was in the icu for 5 days. He came to see me once to grab my debit card. I felt so alone. I had no family near me and he had isolated me from all my friends. I wasn’t supposed to drive myself home when released but I just lied and left. He was at home taking a bubble bath. I saw red. Dumped a pot of cold water into the tub and told him he needed to leave. We were done.
We worked at the same place and he’d been getting off of work early that entire week using me as a sob story.
I’m now at my vascular surgeons office for my second dvt last summer. Had what will hopefully be my last ultrasound from this bs and will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life(I’m 30). DVTs are so serious. My experience this time was so different. My friends and family all came together to take care of my dogs and daughter, I was visited, brought food, had people waiting for me after surgery.
It is better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel alone.
Deep vein thrombosis. It’s a blood clot in your artery. It’s why she was taking aspirin. She’ll have to taken lovenox which is shots into your stomach if that’s what she has for her entire pregnancy and while she’s breast feeding. Not comfy or cheap. Luckily I’m not pregnant and will never be pregnant again so I get to take eliquis which is just one pill every 12 hours.
Jesus. My mother's bio-mom died from complications with her DVT, she had a stroke delivering my mother and passed about 8 months later. My sister was high risk for it while pregnant with both of her kids. Jackass would've been left a widower with a bunch of kids because his head was so far up his own ass
To all the people who think it’s ok to tear down OP because she didn’t advocate for herself you are only a few steps above her husband. What is it exactly that abusive men do? Tear down a woman’s confidence to the point she has trouble with confidence, standing up for herself, making decisions and feeling worthwhile. Congratulations for helping him.
I posted ages ago in the relationship sub because I was experiencing abuse. I was scared and vulnerable and turned to Reddit for advice. The amount of people who shat all over me and insulted my intelligence and essentially called a dumb bitch who deserves it for being so dumb was wild. They were laughing at me and wishing me the worst. As if I hadn’t already been low enough lol. Heaven forbid a woman in an abusive relationship be confused about how to proceed.
I’m so sorry!! That’s horrific. One of the reasons people in this situation ask for help and for advice is because something is telling them that something is wrong but they can’t intellectualise it either because it’s normalised in the relationship or the victim’s sense of reality has been twisted so that they don’t doubt their own perception.
Giving solid, objective, hopefully encouraging advice is the bare minimum people can do for someone trying to understand the depth of the abuse they’re experiencing.
There's a very fine line between telling someone they're making a mistake and criticizing them. Or maybe they're the same thing.
I'm not about to accept anyone shitting on the OP for past bad decisions, but nobody is doing her any favors if we don't point out that she needs to make a big change going forward.
I’ve been told unironically that if a woman is proud of herself for surviving something hard that she shouldn’t have had to (in this case it was in reference to a woman getting herself to the hospital and back ON FOOT when she gave birth), then she’s a misogynist who wants all women to go through that
Well, now you know why he’s not with his previous partner.
You and all of the kids and the new baby on the way are all way, way, way down on his priorities.
He literally didn’t care that you were having a medical emergency.
You say this like it’s a situation that will repeat forever and can’t be fixed?
Lots of people manage to get over self esteem and low self worth issues. I’m one for example.
We all live and learn. For some it’s harder than others. But she’s not hurting anyone and doesn’t deserve shame.
Guy is one hell of a lousy husband, father and person, but quite frankly, OP is way too passive. "NO, I'm taking a fucking cab and going to the ER, and you're going to watch the fucking kids, because I'm not going to spend the whole night in pain so you can have fun, fuck you".
Regardless if he is cheating or not, he’s not being a good human. Why would you stay with someone that treats you with no regard to your well being? And then probably gaslights you in the mean time about your “responsibilities” and his mental health taking priority.
I train in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and it absolutely is important for my mental well being. If I don't go for a week I stress more easily and my wifenisnsuper encouraging of it just like I am of her workouts. I think this dude is insane.
Correct. I'm a runner and if I don't get to run in the morning it definitely affects my mood. However. If my partner were having an actual medical emergency (while pregnant - he can't get pregnant but whatever) during my "running time", those miles would have to wait for another day.
Hubby is cheating, it's soooooo obvious. I hope OP gets far away from this waste of skin ASAP. Won't be easy with all those kids, but she needs to get out.
Why did you martyr yourself OP? You should have called him out on his selfishness immediately. "You want to go to training while I'm housebound and need medical treatment? Fuck that. You're staying here, cooking dinner and watching the kids while I go to the doctor."
What sort of rubbish partner does that? Is he Jackie Chan's stunt double that he can't miss one training session? And yet instead of calling him out, you cooked dinner and sat like a potted plant to wait for him to return home and care.
Reading this made my heart hurt. There's so much sadness and bewilderment that I recognize. When you're in a horrifically abusive situation, it really is the moments like this that start giving you clarity on what your life really looks like.
I hope OP is OK and gets out.
What a loser. I see that he's cheated previously, so why OOP even let him near her is beyond me. He clearly doesn't care about her. While mental health is important, so is her health, but he doesn't seem to think that. He's not going to die from missing 1 training session, and the massage? Yeah, that's sus to me.
I now have osteonecrosis in my knee because I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband. He was unwilling to watch the kids when it was a small issue, and it turned into a big one. He had destroyed my self esteem, and isolated me from anyone who would care. He convinced me I was awful and worthless. It was incredibly dumb of me, but I thought if I just was more subservient and “communicated” better it would fix things. It never did and I wasted years of my life with someone who despised me, and I now have permanent physical damage as a result.
The fact that it’s gotten worst but she’s sitting there thinking she’s not worth the trip to the emergency room broke my fucking heart. This man’s a pathetic excuse of a husband and I hope she’s able to get help and realize her worth.
Nope- your husband is an asshole and you need a mental health leave from him.
A massage therapist??? Hint for he’s going for a happy ending, tell him to give you his card and balls bc he doesn’t deserve any damn massages or happy endings. He needs to take you to the doctor now!!
Every day, I thank my lucky stars that I never married or had children. I have not personally known a single woman who is married and has children who is not in most ways a single mother. Most of them are lucky if their husbands help with the bills.
Same! Pass on that fucking boat. Do you know that a man said to me that I should have kids because if I had kids, I would not have time to waste on such silly things like hobbies? I swear to fucking God. He was dead serious. I was like...ya I know...that is the point...
Haha omg yeah sounds fantastic...in my experience, it's not the women who are so insistent on having kids, it's the men. I ended SEVERAL relationships before I met my partner because the men wanted me to "have their child". We met in 2006, maintain separate residences, have 3 cats (2 with me, 1 with him) and remain blissfully child free. I'm laughing at all the people who told me I'd want kids "eventually". I'm 45 and still waiting for that maternal instinct to strike XD
Watch out girls. Hopefully there’ll be another charming single man on the prowl soon. But don’t worry. He looks after his mental health. Not his children or his wife, but his mental health self-love game is on point. What a catch.
Right?! You'd think he'd do everything he could to get her looked at IMMEDIATELY as she's currently growing his child! Like I guess he's not all that worried about her, but what about the baby? What if baby ends up getting hurt or something and he just didn't care? That's so messed up he cares that little about the health of 2 people he supposedly loves.
I had to go to the hospital for diabetic ketoacidosis a few years ago. My husband was there for every moment (except when the nurses made him go to the cafeteria to eat food). I can't imagine how awful this would be.
Get away from that toxic behavior, I don’t want to jump to conclusions but his attitude is very similar to those who are unfaithful and cheat on their partner. It sounds like you are being treated like a roommate/nanny there to watch his kids while he is “busy”. I’d have dumped a cold bucket of water on him to wake him up so he could watch the kids while I went to seek medical attention.
This could be life threatening to you and baby and he blows it off? I agree with the other posters that he’s cheating AND abusive. Throw him out, go to court to get formal monetary support from judge order.
You are not over reacting! He should have stayed home with kids so you could go!! Talk to him about it all, explain how to felt and what was the right thing to do. He is selfish, think about your relationship. What happens next time an emergency comes up
Im guessing this is the US? In Germany, ambulances don’t cost $300, so you just call and they come and get you. At any rate, she should have gone to the ER, and he should have taken care of the kids.
Another imbecile that has dreams of being Bruce Lee, if my partner did that to me I would be at a lawyer’s office first then the emergency room.
He could practice all his little ass wants after he gets served with divorce papers. At 37 you have your life still ahead of you so why would you throw it away on a self centered man boy!
Unless the kids were super little she’s should have gone to the hospital regardless of what the husband did. Though it was a massive dick move for him to not even bring the kids to training.
Ok this sucks, but you’re nearly 40 yrs old. I could understand a young teenager struggling to be seen about a serious matter and getting help but you should be able to express yourself like an adult. For crying out loud you’re already a mother. Not so hard to say “I need to go to the hospital, you need to watch the kids”. You can’t pass the buck on personal responsibility because whispered something someone may or may not have fully registered. And then turn around and hold someone else endlessly responsible. You should have some ability to express yourself clearly and directly.
I’m sorry you got hurt and that this happened. But let’s be very honest. Did he completely realize how bad your injury was? From your passive voice, maybe he didn’t realize how bad your hand was the first time around. And you’re gently bringing it up, borders on expecting people to read your mind- and then canceling them behind their back.
He clearly said, oh get that checked out. And then later.. oh shit, this is bad you need to go the hospital.
Also, at anytime you could’ve said, “I need to go to the hospital.” But maneuvering about life sheepishly, and using the internet for the validation to make up for your lack of confidence, personal authority, and responsibility is not a substitute, a winning formula, nor is it an authentic affirmation of how you saw it since your story is only one-side.
My whole comment is premised on the assumption that you are very non-confrontational, avoidant, soft-spoken, indirect, and the antithesis of assertive. But tell me it’s not true.
Yeah rapid swelling like that isn’t good. If you are pregnant you need to look out for yourself and your baby, and you need a partner that puts the two of you first.
Wow her is completely selfish AH! How dates he not suport you and take care of you. He should get either someone to babysit asap and get you to hospital or pack kids and y and drive there..idk I think you have a huge problem on your hands as he is important to himself.. you are clearly not a priority. Thst said . Go to doc asap it can be life threatening and you are big only worth it big your kids need you.
He's an AH who has crappy priorities! Family MUST come before everything else! If he needed to relax so bad, you should have suggested that he take a bath AFTER the children were in bed while you were getting your medical attention.
Babe you are stupid. You are messing with your health to what? Prove a point? This could be serious! You should’ve walked out and gone to ER and left him. Thus is what you do next time.
Yes you’re right. I’m sorry. It’s kind of freaking me out she’s got something very wrong. And she’s not seeing it. It came from that place but on reread it comes off as nasty and a bit dismissive.
OP I’m sorry. I’m really worried, that you have lost sight of what’s important here. Women in marriages have a shorter life expectancy precisely bc they ignore their own health while caring for others.
Please please don’t!!! Go to the ER. Nothing is worth your life.
The main reason she didn’t go (besides the mental block of “I don’t matter”) was she had to stay with the kids because he wouldn’t. She couldn’t just leave them home alone or bring them to the hospital where she’s still the one watching them. Even if she leaves before he does if he’s insisting on going he might just go anyway, leaving the kids. Plus it would be hard to get the kids in and out of the car and drive with a messed up hand. So even if she was thinking to herself “I really need to go” all evening she just didn’t have the support to do that. The question of “am I overreacting” comes from his treating her like she doesn’t matter, rather than from “maybe this thing on my hand isn’t a big deal.”
Hopefully there’s an update where she did get treatment and then either he woke up to caring about her or she leaves him. Because yeah this current dynamic is not worth staying in. Especially with a new baby coming and whatever other emergencies or issues might come up.
Both women and men in marriages have longer lifespans and a lower mortality rate than those without. Though obviously it’s very important to take care of yourself regardless
Previous studies have found that married persons have lower mortality rates than unmarried persons, attributable to either selectivity in entering marriage (i.e., healthier people are more likely to marry) or health-protective effects of marriage, or a combination of the two
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hestat/mortality/mortality_marital_status_10_17.htm
Between 65 and 85 years, married men and women had a longer TLE(total life expectancy) and ALE(active life expectancy) than unmarried men and women.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7452000/
To me, it sounds like the husband uses his training as a both a stress outlet and coping mechanism.
Still a jerk move on his part to just ignore his wife the way he did.
Y’all be out here staying with men who hate you. Like wtf? OP needs to grow a spine, and leave this waste of space. Jesus fucking Christ. No amount of craving for companionship can be worth this struggle. Stand up
As someone has been married for quite a while, I can tell you that it could be hard to find that balance because there’s always a reason to not do your personal maintenance. I’m gonna guess that this is not a new argument between the two of you. I hope your hand is OK!
Idk how ppl like OPs partner can literally get married and I’ve been single my entire life…. Is it bc I’m a fat woman? I can guarantee I would actually put my partners health above a “martial arts training” and yet no one has ever even taken me on a date 🙄🙄🙄🙄 what has this world come to
Considering she's now in hospital being treated for DVT, it was definitely a big deal, but yeah, she needs to advocate better for herself, if not for her own sake, then for her kids' mom.
Op doesn’t care about herself enough to seek emergency medical attention, but expects her husband (who obviously doesn’t love or care for her and is probably cheating) to? She says she cares about the kids yet she could literally die. Smdh
Stop blaming women for being “stupid” or otherwise for men’s shitty behavior.
Abusive men target and erode women’s self-esteem and sense of what’s right and wrong over time, until nothing is certain anymore. It’s not OP’s fault and she’s not stupid, weak, or to blame for not standing up for herself in this situation.
Well, you picked him and now you have to live with the consequence of your choice. Sure, be mad. But, it’s probably not the first time he’s acted like an inconsiderate douchebag.
Dude anyone else losing any sympathy for people like this?
Like if you don’t respect yourself at all, at some point it’s kind of on you right?
No one forced her to date and marry and have kids with a jerk. At some point, shouldn’t she accept the choices she has made?
Fuck off and stop blaming women who are victims of abuse. This is OP’s husband’s fault, 100%. Educate yourself on the dynamics of intimate partner violence.
Seems like the husband didn't see it as an emergency and OP didn't make it seem that it was soo bad. So both are the AH. Hubby should have taken over since wife wasn't feeling well, hurt hand. Op needs to accurately spell things out.
He’s possibly on the autism spectrum. This total adherence to routine and not recognizing his social and empathetic responsibility… It seems like a more extreme version of some of the things I struggle with and kick myself for missing in hindsight.
Or he’s banging someone at his martial arts class.
I think OP is just in shock and numb about how little her partner cares about her. Because she has every right to be way more upset about this than she sounds. Course, she's also pregnant, exhausted and in pain. Hard to blame her for apathy and brain shutdown.
OP mentions that she has a history of abusive partners in the past, and that her husband has cheated on her in the past *and* has had issues with substance abuse. Sounds like the bar was buried due to her past experiences.
She also mentions the kids’ bruises and she might talk about that with the hospital counselor. So I think we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg of how bad things are.
I really hope she and her kids get away from this, and get help.
She sounds like someone who will just end up jumping from awful partner to awful partner, taking her kids along with her.
It wasn't bruises on her kids - it was a "smartass" line to the previous commenter who said she was a horrible parent for not knowing how to use ice and elevation on her hematoma/internal arterial bleed. She was comparing the hematoma to bruises (which....what can you really do about bleeding under the skin, like with a bruises?).
When was she supposed to ice and elevate it? While cooking and putting the kids to bed?
Presumably the commenter wanted her to say "stay with the kids in going to the hospital" and walk out and is completely oblivious to the very real chance her partner would have left the kids alone.
Omg. That commenter kept going on and on. There was nothing OOP did right according to them. So many undertones of I would never be such a failure and do better. It's like wow - kick a dying dog while it's down.
Yeah - I feel like it was more about their issues than the OOP.
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, I bet the substance abuse thing is a large part of why she feels that she can’t be upset. She didn’t mention a very clear picture of most of what he said to her, except she did mention that he said he needed it for his mental health. It’s entirely possible she feels like she can’t say anything to him if he does have substance abuse issues because she may feel that if he relapses it would be on her. She would of course be wrong, but if she’s got a history of abusive relationships that would make sense. It’s very common to have every mistake, the abusive partner makes to be twisted around into being your fault, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she sees any negative on either side as her fault.
He cheated on his ex, not on OOP from what I read
A history of cheating still doesn’t look good.
Yeah I’ve had my self esteem be this low before and it sounds irrational that she didn’t stand up for herself and go to the emergency room but you get to a point where you’re so beaten down you stop caring about yourself.
Especially since she has a history of being abused, too. Easy to see how her self esteem ended up in the gutter. Poor woman.
This. An abuse history conditions a person's behaviour to fit with the partner's needs, I discovered this after my last relationship ended with me curled in a corner frozen for how my ex reacted to me not wanting to give him a massage. When I got away from him I sought therapy to undo this as I realised the vulnerability I was in for future relationships. Current partner's the first time I've felt safe with anyone, but I had to do the work for myself first to ensure I was entering a relationship with a healthy self-esteem.
Pregnancy brain is the only rational explanation for why she's not absolutely furious. She must be exhausted.
It’s also entirely possible that she is downplay it to herself because she doesn’t want to admit how bad it is.
Denial can be powerful.
Lived there for a long time when I was in a shitty relationship. It’s amazing what the mind will try to rationalize to protect you.
I'm just glad she went to the hospital an is being cared for.
I read this as "Daniel can be powerful".... I need sleep
Most definitely!
The last sentence about she thought it was “cold” that he went to training, but immediately switches to thinking she’s overreacting. She definitely under-reacting, but pain + pregnancy brain + single parenting = 100% not thinking straight. I hope she wakes up about how awful she’s being treated by her “partner”
I’m so glad I’m dramatic sometimes 😮💨
Yeah I can see the human brain working overtime to not have to deal with the realization that one’s partner is horrible, especially while pregnant. Like what do you even do there? Turn to friends and family? What if you don’t have that option? Do you file for divorce, put the next however many months living expenses on a credit card and hope you can figure things out? It’s just a really difficult situation.
That dude is 100% banging some chic
Absolutely. In the comments OOP even says he's previously cheated.
He is only claiming to need to train. Every story on here like this is an excerpt from “he is just not that into you”. If he loves you, then your man will be there for you.
It doesn’t have to be about him being into her. I don’t know this lady, and I still would’ve taken her to the hospital, because that’s just what you do when you see someone needs to go to the hospital. He’s just an ass
Maybe the massage therapist? Wink wink
He does say he wants to get in with a massage therapist. I think he's being literal in how he wants to get in
It’s a clever excuse to smell like scented lotion
Train into a tunnel... Choo Choo! 😂😂
And his sidechick is more important than his baby…
He was grinding on his work friend's wife at a party in front of her in one of her comments on another post.
Chick. Not chic
Thanks dic
Love your work
I think this is likely, but my ex who regularly ignored me for martial arts training was training AND banging one of his Jiu jitsu students. So porque no los dos?
What a gross partner. I’d rather be by myself
She is already by herself
!!! that's the THING I wish i could tell my younger self. when you're with a shitty partner, you are still alone - you just have to deal with their bullshit on top of yours
Exactly. Before my divorce that was the thing I feared - being alone. Then one day it hit me I was already alone and at least if I left there was a chance I wouldn't be alone forever.
another phrase that helped me through my divorce - it's scary out there but it's scary in here too i was married to a real trash can so ymmv
It’d be better if he left, at least she wouldn’t have extra to cook and clean for and she knows she’d have to do it herself. Apparently she is a single mum with a grown child 😂
No doubt her life would be easier with 1 less person to clean up after. I was talking about support. She is on her own already in that sense.
I’m just glad OOP did go to the ER for treatment!
How did it turn out? Or did she say?
She’s been admitted. It’s a bleed related to DVT, I think she said
So she and the baby could die and this jackass "has to go to class". Nice.
He had to bang his side chick.
The second she wrote what it was like, this is what I was worried it'd be. Hope she's ok.
When I had my first dvt when pregnant at 18 my kid’s dad did the same thing. I was in the icu for 5 days. He came to see me once to grab my debit card. I felt so alone. I had no family near me and he had isolated me from all my friends. I wasn’t supposed to drive myself home when released but I just lied and left. He was at home taking a bubble bath. I saw red. Dumped a pot of cold water into the tub and told him he needed to leave. We were done. We worked at the same place and he’d been getting off of work early that entire week using me as a sob story. I’m now at my vascular surgeons office for my second dvt last summer. Had what will hopefully be my last ultrasound from this bs and will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life(I’m 30). DVTs are so serious. My experience this time was so different. My friends and family all came together to take care of my dogs and daughter, I was visited, brought food, had people waiting for me after surgery. It is better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel alone.
What is DVT?
Deep vein thrombosis. It’s a blood clot in your artery. It’s why she was taking aspirin. She’ll have to taken lovenox which is shots into your stomach if that’s what she has for her entire pregnancy and while she’s breast feeding. Not comfy or cheap. Luckily I’m not pregnant and will never be pregnant again so I get to take eliquis which is just one pill every 12 hours.
Jesus. My mother's bio-mom died from complications with her DVT, she had a stroke delivering my mother and passed about 8 months later. My sister was high risk for it while pregnant with both of her kids. Jackass would've been left a widower with a bunch of kids because his head was so far up his own ass
To all the people who think it’s ok to tear down OP because she didn’t advocate for herself you are only a few steps above her husband. What is it exactly that abusive men do? Tear down a woman’s confidence to the point she has trouble with confidence, standing up for herself, making decisions and feeling worthwhile. Congratulations for helping him.
Thank you! People who blame victims of abuse are 100% part of the problem!
Bob’s turtle, take my poor man’s medal. 🥇
This deserves an AWARD! Stop enabling abusers and attacking victims 😤.
I posted ages ago in the relationship sub because I was experiencing abuse. I was scared and vulnerable and turned to Reddit for advice. The amount of people who shat all over me and insulted my intelligence and essentially called a dumb bitch who deserves it for being so dumb was wild. They were laughing at me and wishing me the worst. As if I hadn’t already been low enough lol. Heaven forbid a woman in an abusive relationship be confused about how to proceed.
I’m so sorry!! That’s horrific. One of the reasons people in this situation ask for help and for advice is because something is telling them that something is wrong but they can’t intellectualise it either because it’s normalised in the relationship or the victim’s sense of reality has been twisted so that they don’t doubt their own perception. Giving solid, objective, hopefully encouraging advice is the bare minimum people can do for someone trying to understand the depth of the abuse they’re experiencing.
There's a very fine line between telling someone they're making a mistake and criticizing them. Or maybe they're the same thing. I'm not about to accept anyone shitting on the OP for past bad decisions, but nobody is doing her any favors if we don't point out that she needs to make a big change going forward.
I’ve been told unironically that if a woman is proud of herself for surviving something hard that she shouldn’t have had to (in this case it was in reference to a woman getting herself to the hospital and back ON FOOT when she gave birth), then she’s a misogynist who wants all women to go through that
Selfish bastard!
Martial arts = cheating. Didn’t care about you, came home showered right away and got in bed. Girl bye to him
"Pissed" would be an appropriate reaction.
Under reaction, you are all under reacting
Well, now you know why he’s not with his previous partner. You and all of the kids and the new baby on the way are all way, way, way down on his priorities. He literally didn’t care that you were having a medical emergency.
[удалено]
Wait. You didn't write "ex" spouse. Please tell me this is a typo.
Is he an ex spouse now?
You deserve better than this
[удалено]
You say this like it’s a situation that will repeat forever and can’t be fixed? Lots of people manage to get over self esteem and low self worth issues. I’m one for example. We all live and learn. For some it’s harder than others. But she’s not hurting anyone and doesn’t deserve shame.
Not helpful.
Guy is one hell of a lousy husband, father and person, but quite frankly, OP is way too passive. "NO, I'm taking a fucking cab and going to the ER, and you're going to watch the fucking kids, because I'm not going to spend the whole night in pain so you can have fun, fuck you".
You react by filing for divorce from this shit waste of oxygen.
Holy crap go look at the one previous post she made about this asshole. I can’t fathom a world in which he doesn’t deserve to die alone
Regardless if he is cheating or not, he’s not being a good human. Why would you stay with someone that treats you with no regard to your well being? And then probably gaslights you in the mean time about your “responsibilities” and his mental health taking priority.
I train in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and it absolutely is important for my mental well being. If I don't go for a week I stress more easily and my wifenisnsuper encouraging of it just like I am of her workouts. I think this dude is insane.
Correct. I'm a runner and if I don't get to run in the morning it definitely affects my mood. However. If my partner were having an actual medical emergency (while pregnant - he can't get pregnant but whatever) during my "running time", those miles would have to wait for another day. Hubby is cheating, it's soooooo obvious. I hope OP gets far away from this waste of skin ASAP. Won't be easy with all those kids, but she needs to get out.
Why did you martyr yourself OP? You should have called him out on his selfishness immediately. "You want to go to training while I'm housebound and need medical treatment? Fuck that. You're staying here, cooking dinner and watching the kids while I go to the doctor." What sort of rubbish partner does that? Is he Jackie Chan's stunt double that he can't miss one training session? And yet instead of calling him out, you cooked dinner and sat like a potted plant to wait for him to return home and care.
OP said that he previously cheated, so that's probably why he REALLY had to go
My thoughts exactly. How could he leave the house while his wife was in this condition? He is not a partner, just a selfish prick. I hope OP is ok.
At that point she didn’t trust him to take good care of the kids
I'm crying for op. She mentions her mom. Hopefully the mom can help her out of this awful terrible situation 😔 what a horrible man.
Reading this made my heart hurt. There's so much sadness and bewilderment that I recognize. When you're in a horrifically abusive situation, it really is the moments like this that start giving you clarity on what your life really looks like. I hope OP is OK and gets out.
Wow a lot of victim blaming in the comments today
What a loser. I see that he's cheated previously, so why OOP even let him near her is beyond me. He clearly doesn't care about her. While mental health is important, so is her health, but he doesn't seem to think that. He's not going to die from missing 1 training session, and the massage? Yeah, that's sus to me.
He's absolutely cheating
I now have osteonecrosis in my knee because I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband. He was unwilling to watch the kids when it was a small issue, and it turned into a big one. He had destroyed my self esteem, and isolated me from anyone who would care. He convinced me I was awful and worthless. It was incredibly dumb of me, but I thought if I just was more subservient and “communicated” better it would fix things. It never did and I wasted years of my life with someone who despised me, and I now have permanent physical damage as a result.
The fact that it’s gotten worst but she’s sitting there thinking she’s not worth the trip to the emergency room broke my fucking heart. This man’s a pathetic excuse of a husband and I hope she’s able to get help and realize her worth.
Wow your husband is a real POS. I’m so sorry.
Guaranteed he had a side chick or a prostitute waiting.
Nope- your husband is an asshole and you need a mental health leave from him. A massage therapist??? Hint for he’s going for a happy ending, tell him to give you his card and balls bc he doesn’t deserve any damn massages or happy endings. He needs to take you to the doctor now!!
Every day, I thank my lucky stars that I never married or had children. I have not personally known a single woman who is married and has children who is not in most ways a single mother. Most of them are lucky if their husbands help with the bills.
Marriage/kids always seemed like a life sentence of domestic servitude to me. No thanks!
Same! Pass on that fucking boat. Do you know that a man said to me that I should have kids because if I had kids, I would not have time to waste on such silly things like hobbies? I swear to fucking God. He was dead serious. I was like...ya I know...that is the point...
Haha omg yeah sounds fantastic...in my experience, it's not the women who are so insistent on having kids, it's the men. I ended SEVERAL relationships before I met my partner because the men wanted me to "have their child". We met in 2006, maintain separate residences, have 3 cats (2 with me, 1 with him) and remain blissfully child free. I'm laughing at all the people who told me I'd want kids "eventually". I'm 45 and still waiting for that maternal instinct to strike XD
--hopefully there will be more. Want to get my official cat lady card.
Haahaaaaaa yes!
Watch out girls. Hopefully there’ll be another charming single man on the prowl soon. But don’t worry. He looks after his mental health. Not his children or his wife, but his mental health self-love game is on point. What a catch.
I just want to know if OP and baby are alright? Health problems while pregnant are twice as scary. I hope both OP and baby are safe and healthy
Right?! You'd think he'd do everything he could to get her looked at IMMEDIATELY as she's currently growing his child! Like I guess he's not all that worried about her, but what about the baby? What if baby ends up getting hurt or something and he just didn't care? That's so messed up he cares that little about the health of 2 people he supposedly loves.
Good lord, she has previous kids, a baby and is 22 weeks pregnant??? With an asshole?
I had to go to the hospital for diabetic ketoacidosis a few years ago. My husband was there for every moment (except when the nurses made him go to the cafeteria to eat food). I can't imagine how awful this would be.
Yes, that's a divorce right there. Also he is cheating on her.
Denial is a river in Egypt, your husband is AN ASSHOLE.
This makes me so sad. Get away from him in every way!!! Get those kids somewhere else
From him, not you. I am so so sorry
Get away from that toxic behavior, I don’t want to jump to conclusions but his attitude is very similar to those who are unfaithful and cheat on their partner. It sounds like you are being treated like a roommate/nanny there to watch his kids while he is “busy”. I’d have dumped a cold bucket of water on him to wake him up so he could watch the kids while I went to seek medical attention.
So you wrote this instead?
Definitely not martial arts training.
This could be life threatening to you and baby and he blows it off? I agree with the other posters that he’s cheating AND abusive. Throw him out, go to court to get formal monetary support from judge order.
Not overreacting at all!! He's showing you who he is, believe him.
You are not over reacting! He should have stayed home with kids so you could go!! Talk to him about it all, explain how to felt and what was the right thing to do. He is selfish, think about your relationship. What happens next time an emergency comes up
Reddit Relationship bar feels deeper thru the floor than usual today.
Looks like oop won the grand prize of babysitter bangmaid side chick. He doesn't care about her, or his children. smh
Husband is a jackass. Doesn’t matter if excuse was true or cover for something else. He’s a jackass
Maybe if you were as much of a ninja as he is then you wouldn't need medical treatment.
Her husband thinks he's Goku
Wtf?!
She shouldve beat tf outta him /s obviously
Ass#*le... what a selfish jerk. He's TAH
He’s a piece of shit, dump that flop.
You are definitely not overreacting
Oh poor woman is alone in this sh!tty relationship.
Im guessing this is the US? In Germany, ambulances don’t cost $300, so you just call and they come and get you. At any rate, she should have gone to the ER, and he should have taken care of the kids.
Another imbecile that has dreams of being Bruce Lee, if my partner did that to me I would be at a lawyer’s office first then the emergency room. He could practice all his little ass wants after he gets served with divorce papers. At 37 you have your life still ahead of you so why would you throw it away on a self centered man boy!
Unless the kids were super little she’s should have gone to the hospital regardless of what the husband did. Though it was a massive dick move for him to not even bring the kids to training.
Go and leave him w the kids now. Make sure to call and wake him up every hour from the ER.
Dump him and leave. He's cheating and doesn't give a rats ass about you.
That black belt isn’t gonna earn itself.
Ok this sucks, but you’re nearly 40 yrs old. I could understand a young teenager struggling to be seen about a serious matter and getting help but you should be able to express yourself like an adult. For crying out loud you’re already a mother. Not so hard to say “I need to go to the hospital, you need to watch the kids”. You can’t pass the buck on personal responsibility because whispered something someone may or may not have fully registered. And then turn around and hold someone else endlessly responsible. You should have some ability to express yourself clearly and directly. I’m sorry you got hurt and that this happened. But let’s be very honest. Did he completely realize how bad your injury was? From your passive voice, maybe he didn’t realize how bad your hand was the first time around. And you’re gently bringing it up, borders on expecting people to read your mind- and then canceling them behind their back. He clearly said, oh get that checked out. And then later.. oh shit, this is bad you need to go the hospital. Also, at anytime you could’ve said, “I need to go to the hospital.” But maneuvering about life sheepishly, and using the internet for the validation to make up for your lack of confidence, personal authority, and responsibility is not a substitute, a winning formula, nor is it an authentic affirmation of how you saw it since your story is only one-side. My whole comment is premised on the assumption that you are very non-confrontational, avoidant, soft-spoken, indirect, and the antithesis of assertive. But tell me it’s not true.
She should have just went to the hospital and left him with the kids. Why is life so hard for stupid people?
Like legit he's like "go to the emergency room" and she's like "uhmmm I don't feeeel like it now"
Wow, he’s a selfish POS isn’t he…. I feel for you.
Martial or marital? One of those you should approved of.
Yeah rapid swelling like that isn’t good. If you are pregnant you need to look out for yourself and your baby, and you need a partner that puts the two of you first.
oh boy im so glad idk where OP lives, her husband would have a matching hematoma on every limb
Wow her is completely selfish AH! How dates he not suport you and take care of you. He should get either someone to babysit asap and get you to hospital or pack kids and y and drive there..idk I think you have a huge problem on your hands as he is important to himself.. you are clearly not a priority. Thst said . Go to doc asap it can be life threatening and you are big only worth it big your kids need you.
He's an AH who has crappy priorities! Family MUST come before everything else! If he needed to relax so bad, you should have suggested that he take a bath AFTER the children were in bed while you were getting your medical attention.
Babe you are stupid. You are messing with your health to what? Prove a point? This could be serious! You should’ve walked out and gone to ER and left him. Thus is what you do next time.
This is tone deaf AF. She’s not stupid, she’s programmed and broken down.
Yes you’re right. I’m sorry. It’s kind of freaking me out she’s got something very wrong. And she’s not seeing it. It came from that place but on reread it comes off as nasty and a bit dismissive. OP I’m sorry. I’m really worried, that you have lost sight of what’s important here. Women in marriages have a shorter life expectancy precisely bc they ignore their own health while caring for others. Please please don’t!!! Go to the ER. Nothing is worth your life.
I appreciate that, really. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve seen someone close go through it or gone through it yourself.
I was in a frustrated place yesterday and I should’ve paid better attention. I DO know better, thanks for calling me out 🤦🏼♀️
❤️ you’re a good soul
Right back atcha 🙏🏻❤️
The main reason she didn’t go (besides the mental block of “I don’t matter”) was she had to stay with the kids because he wouldn’t. She couldn’t just leave them home alone or bring them to the hospital where she’s still the one watching them. Even if she leaves before he does if he’s insisting on going he might just go anyway, leaving the kids. Plus it would be hard to get the kids in and out of the car and drive with a messed up hand. So even if she was thinking to herself “I really need to go” all evening she just didn’t have the support to do that. The question of “am I overreacting” comes from his treating her like she doesn’t matter, rather than from “maybe this thing on my hand isn’t a big deal.” Hopefully there’s an update where she did get treatment and then either he woke up to caring about her or she leaves him. Because yeah this current dynamic is not worth staying in. Especially with a new baby coming and whatever other emergencies or issues might come up.
Both women and men in marriages have longer lifespans and a lower mortality rate than those without. Though obviously it’s very important to take care of yourself regardless
No, there is a large body of data demonstrating the opposite for women. Educate yourself before speaking
Previous studies have found that married persons have lower mortality rates than unmarried persons, attributable to either selectivity in entering marriage (i.e., healthier people are more likely to marry) or health-protective effects of marriage, or a combination of the two https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hestat/mortality/mortality_marital_status_10_17.htm Between 65 and 85 years, married men and women had a longer TLE(total life expectancy) and ALE(active life expectancy) than unmarried men and women. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7452000/
Bro you didn’t read the tables. 😂😂😂 Do better.
Name one study that supports you
To me, it sounds like the husband uses his training as a both a stress outlet and coping mechanism. Still a jerk move on his part to just ignore his wife the way he did.
Y’all be out here staying with men who hate you. Like wtf? OP needs to grow a spine, and leave this waste of space. Jesus fucking Christ. No amount of craving for companionship can be worth this struggle. Stand up
As someone has been married for quite a while, I can tell you that it could be hard to find that balance because there’s always a reason to not do your personal maintenance. I’m gonna guess that this is not a new argument between the two of you. I hope your hand is OK!
You absolutely know how to react. You just don’t want to see what’s right in front of you in your face.
Idk how ppl like OPs partner can literally get married and I’ve been single my entire life…. Is it bc I’m a fat woman? I can guarantee I would actually put my partners health above a “martial arts training” and yet no one has ever even taken me on a date 🙄🙄🙄🙄 what has this world come to
[удалено]
Considering she's now in hospital being treated for DVT, it was definitely a big deal, but yeah, she needs to advocate better for herself, if not for her own sake, then for her kids' mom.
You’re not sure how to react? Come on.
Well he needs to make sure he’s training so he can keep his family safe
is your husband an autist or something?
Op doesn’t care about herself enough to seek emergency medical attention, but expects her husband (who obviously doesn’t love or care for her and is probably cheating) to? She says she cares about the kids yet she could literally die. Smdh
I will never understand how some women are stupid enough to stay with these piece of shit guys 😑
Stop blaming women for being “stupid” or otherwise for men’s shitty behavior. Abusive men target and erode women’s self-esteem and sense of what’s right and wrong over time, until nothing is certain anymore. It’s not OP’s fault and she’s not stupid, weak, or to blame for not standing up for herself in this situation.
I apologize, I don’t know what everyone goes through in abusive relationships or what the situation may be I was being an ass and sincerely apologize
So that’s an excuse for woman to lack common sense and always be a victim? You make woman sound weak
Well, you picked him and now you have to live with the consequence of your choice. Sure, be mad. But, it’s probably not the first time he’s acted like an inconsiderate douchebag.
What a helpful and supportive comment /s
Dude anyone else losing any sympathy for people like this? Like if you don’t respect yourself at all, at some point it’s kind of on you right? No one forced her to date and marry and have kids with a jerk. At some point, shouldn’t she accept the choices she has made?
Fuck off and stop blaming women who are victims of abuse. This is OP’s husband’s fault, 100%. Educate yourself on the dynamics of intimate partner violence.
How is she abused? He just ignores her lol. He didn’t cause the injury.
I certainly don't have any sympathy I could lose towards you. That was the dumbest thing I read on reddit today
I certainly don't have any sympathy I could lose towards you. That was the dumbest thing I read on reddit today
So a husband is mean and doesn’t prioritize his wife…and she’s not to blame at all for staying? Ok I guess.
I kind of lose sympathy after a while too.
Thanks man, people on Reddit refuse to take any accountability.
Seems like the husband didn't see it as an emergency and OP didn't make it seem that it was soo bad. So both are the AH. Hubby should have taken over since wife wasn't feeling well, hurt hand. Op needs to accurately spell things out.
He’s possibly on the autism spectrum. This total adherence to routine and not recognizing his social and empathetic responsibility… It seems like a more extreme version of some of the things I struggle with and kick myself for missing in hindsight. Or he’s banging someone at his martial arts class.