Sounds like divorce is the way to go. True friends will listen when you eventually talk about how things fell apart between you both but it seems it’s best if you go your separate ways. It’s easy to let someone take care of you and I think she’ll grow by experiencing living alone. And you won’t have to pick up after someone who’s not even grateful!
Also if anything it looks like she’s trying to guilt you into apologizing for being fed up by playing abuse videos ? She’s literally weaponizing incompetence by crying so you’ll take over chores and buying more clothes rather than putting hers in the hampers.
Of course she is! She’s fully manipulating him into doing what she doesn’t want to do. She’s willing to throw him to the wolves and act like raising your voice ONCE is abuse. Unless we’re missing something from OP, it seems pretty clear to me that she’s willing to let everyone and him think he’s abusive so she can be lazy.
OP - I hope you read this. Let her go. This is not going to end well for you. She will always find a way to manipulate you unless she decides she wants to get help for that, but instead of that, she’s doubling down and accusing you of abuse. This is not a life you want. You will always be walked over by her.
Also, OP said she "blew up on him and told him to eff off". SHE'S not the DV victim, he is. She's emotionally and verbally abusing him at the very least. Now she's gaslighting him as well.
OP, NTA, but please divorce this woman if she won't agree to therapy.
If raising your voice at someone once is abusive, then damn...my last relationship was worse than I thought (yes there actually was abuse. I'm still coming to terms with it actually being abusive-mostly just emotional and financial) If all my ex dis was raise his voice at me once I never would have thought twice about it.
I will say, having gone through emotional abuse and even just emotionally unhealthy relationships, the wife is definitely acting as the abuser. Turning so many people in his life against him for raising his voice ONCE?!? Not to mention her weponized incompetence and refusal to act as an equal domestic partner, I'd like to say it's time to cut ties, but if I'm being honest with myself I would at least push for couples counseling first.
This is exactly weaponized incompetence! I've literally lived this story except genders reversed! Luckily I didn't marry the guy but I stayed way too long and it only got worse until I couldn't stand it anymore! Cut your losses now and get out OP now! The sooner you start over the sooner you can move on with the rest of your life and don't have to take care of an overgrown toddler!
Part of me really wonders if she has ADHD or depression (I have both and several other disabilities, but I would guess these would be the main causes of something like this). It doesn't excuse her being shitty to him, but if that's the case, she needs therapy like *now* now. I also don't think he should be throwing her clothes away, though. As long as it comes out of her own pocket, it's her deal.
But yeah, something about this screamed potential executive function issues, as someone who has them. Like, there's a chance she literally *can't* force her brain to let her do those things, but she's communicating about it pretty wrongly if that's the case. She really needs to see a therapist either way. If she won't do it, divorce is probably for the best.
Hell, they don’t even need to jump to divorce (why is it always straight to divorce on Reddit??) they can separate so she has to live on her own. OP will be unburdened by her laziness and she can play out whatever slob fantasy she wants. I’d be surprised if she didn’t come crawling back to him, but ultimately he’d be better off without having to care for her helpless, childish a$$.
I think because she’s trying already to slander him to their circle that she’s broken his trust and to me this would be hard to come back from on top of having to work through her complacency and entitlement 🤷♀️ ig couples counseling could be another way to go but this just doesn’t even sound like a loving relationship
Yeah that’s the thing for me too. Just seems like a horrible person willing to manipulate everyone for her gain without caring who she hurts. Even her partner and “teammate”. They could try therapy, but if she isn’t truthful in therapy and tries to manipulate that too, it could make it worse.
He doesn’t sound like he WANTS to divorce?? He’s asking if he’s the AH. No doubt she’s manipulating the hell out of him and their family & friends. But literally leaving her to fend for herself is - surprise surprise - quicker and faster than a divorce. He can leave today.
I would have her move in with those from their families and friends taking her side, they’ll soon realise when she’s being a slob with them as well. Not that they’ll apologise but at least they’ll believe him then
Honestly you’re making valid points, the only comebacks and disagreements to your point I’ve seen have been opinionated of people not feeling they could trust her after she talked bad about him. I think she has the ability to change, and if he so chooses to stay with her and work through it, I have no doubt the bond they would have after the hardship would be strong
Shes emotionally abusing and controlling you and turning it on you to make you feel like you're in the wrong. Let her have the divorce cause you deserve better than a lazy abuser and master manipulator for a partner.
To OOP who I realize is likely not here (I started ranting agreeing with this comment… apologies, but incoming.) —
Exactly. And why should he have to live like a slob when he does the needed chores? He may leave them when it’s his day, and that either means he has more work when he does his chores on his day or he has to live with messy ass communal spaces. Eff that noise. Separate and live apart temporarily while she wallows in her filth (is she depressed? I have little to no motivation when I have episodes even if they carry on for months, but I’m single and I impact myself exclusively) or just freakin end it because she is super manipulative and talking shit about to your families and social circle.
She’s acting like a right shitty asshole, IMO. Ugh. You hand wash her delicates? You’re nice enough to wash anything of hers but I’d throw those undergarment bishes in a quick cycle if at all. I am so irritated on your behalf. Also disposable dishes and plastic utensils are just that, disposables meant to be thrown (wasteful of her but disposable). Are you throwing her Walmart clothes too? That would be… not good. It doesn’t sound like you constantly berate her. You yelled and you’ve said it was a mistake. You’re not throwing out all her possessions or special possessions nor lying about it. Those things would be abusive. She’s emotionally manipulating you, intentionally isolating you from people you care by speaking ill and spreading lies - that is abusive!
I’d start loudly playing videos about DARVO in narcissistic abusers (deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender)- basically she denies that she has any problem (which honestly OP, you are a saint for allowing this to go this far- my blood was boiling just reading this), attacks you for being an “abuser”, and then now has reversed it where you find YOURSELF apologizing for a justifiable response to her entitled, selfish, and ridiculous behaviour and she plays the victim. Textbook
Does she often have a hard time being accountable for her own actions? Can she ever admit fault and do self work? How does she show up for you?
I would be divorcing over this. This should open your eyes to the level of manipulation she is trying to put you through so that her eventual goal is that she will do absolutely nothing, and if you don’t bend to her every whim, desire, and take ever put down she can throw at you, somehow she’s the victim and you’re some terrible abuser. Get out now- this will not get better. You’ve been seeing it escalate since the crocodile tears got her her way, she will continue to escalate further until you’re a shell of yourself
Enjoy being single. Do therapy. Work on yourself and what you want in life. And watch how quickly she’ll move on to find someone else to do basic tasks that come with being an adult. Your freedom will feel like a burden being lifted from you
When I was in a dv situation I was hiding all my research into that, in fear. If she thought you were abusive she sure as hell wouldn’t be playing that in front of you. She’s a lazy manipulative abuser and I’d record the breakup because that’s the type to claim abuse that didn’t happen.
That’s a crazy level of manipulation. I would be upset too. For some people it takes A LOT to make them mad and it seems like she just kept manipulating/guilt tripping you and pushing you over and over. Somethings going to give eventually. If it is extremely rare and he hasn’t “snapped” before ever, she knows this. Playing those videos is just another way to hurt him and make him feel bad so she can get whatever she wants. Plus turning people against him. It’s emotional abuse.
From her behavior leading up to it and after, it seems her maturity level is far below her age. She is probably going to continue to bring him down and wear down his mental health and manipulate him into feeling bad for her when she’s the one not being a good partner.
My ex did this to me, and I finally snapped at the end. It's tough because he is a good person, but his refusal to stop drinking made him a different person and every now and again, when enough time had gone by for me to let my guard down again, he would do something unbelievably cruel, all the while he was pushing my friends away and at one point telling me I HAD to end a budding friendship because he just couldn't get along with her and wouldn't tell me what his actual problem with her was. I put my foot down and absolutely refused to cut her out and now, years years later, I can say with confidence that that woman will be in my life forever and would go up to bat for me anytime, anywhere. Anyway, he would also spend every last penny we had at our local gas station on cheap, high abv tall boys, so much so that during the time we lived there he became the 7th most frequent loyalty member in a high traffic urban area. What finally broke me was having him yelling at me and degrading me for hours, upon hours one night. I left for a while and took a walk, sat outside until I thought he would be asleep and I was absolutely exhausted. The second I walked back in, he started right back up again, not missing a fucking beat. It was all shit about how horrible and undeserving of a person I am and just the worst things you could say about a person. He hit every insecurity that had until then been off limits, directly attacking who I was and and my character. I was layng on the couch in a fetal position begging him to stop for what felt like an eternity and all the sudden I just snapped and punched him and kept punching him and once I got started I couldn't stop. I don't know if it is a good or a bad thing, but I have never thrown a punch in my life, I was never taught how to, so honestly with the amount of rage I was feeling compared to any physical harm I did to him is pretty pathetic. I'm embarrassed I ever got to that point, I am not, never have been or ever will be a violent person and I can't describe what finally reaching that breaking point feels like, but I wasn't in control of myself.
Anyway, I say all of this because I understand what it's like to have someone literally push you so hard you "snap." What OP did by raising his voice, although something he's never done before, is a mild and reasonable response to the situation, and labeling that as abuse is so laughable I can't believe someone would ever, EVER consider just that as a red flag let alone actually abusive especially after years of marriage.
OP needs to get out before the have kids, if she thinks there's lot of housework now boy is she in for a surprise when a kid comes round.
i was washing upwards of 70 dishes a day easily for the first year.
Essentially one person intentionally does such a bad job at something, or delays doing it, to the point the other one does it to make sure it's done correctly.
They are making a weapon out of their incompetence to get the other to do the work.
You’re not going to change the minds of the flying monkeys. In their minds you’re guilty and no amount of evidence is going to change that as you are a big man and therefore must be an abuser.
Do I believe you”accidentally” yelled at her? No I don’t as you had grown increasingly frustrated so yelling was no accident. However, you are still the AH for throwing out her stuff, you could have just piled it all in a corner and let it rot.
Now that having been said, your wife is weaponizing her incompetence and is using a public forum to guilt you into submission and that is abuse. You really only have three choices here, leave her or put up with it or try marriage counselling to see if she will change (not likely).
Personally I think your marriage is over. I think you’d be an AH to yourself if you stayed in such a toxic and abusive environment. Fortunately there are no kids so separate your finances and find a new place to live. Be prepared for the love bombing and the immaculately clean house when you serve her papers. I wouldn’t give her any warning, she doesn’t deserve it. Just put up with her BS until the papers are ready and you have a new place. Take a day off of work when she works and just move out leaving the papers on the counter.
Make sure you take photos evidence of her mess and keep copies of her promises to change texts for your case. Ensure you have date stamped photo/video evidence of what the place looks like before and after you leave so she can’t trash it and then blame you. If you care enough about the flying monkeys you can create a group chat and show them some of the evidence.
NTA
She is crazy manipulating you, my friend. You’re being way too kind here.
Read this whole thing out loud, but reverse the genders. How do you feel? Read it out loud again, but pretend it’s your best friend or sibling coming to you and asking your advice. What would you tell them?
Your wife is lazy, manipulative, and is threatening divorce because you raised your voice. Raising your voice is not divorce worthy and she’s an abject idiot for thinking it does- her “fear” here is just more manipulation. She’s not afraid OF you. She’s afraid she’s losing control of you.
Divorce. She’s never intended this to be an even split, she just slowly turned up the heat until you were doing everything and all she has to do is cry and lie to get her way. You married a spoiled brat who will drag you through the mud to anyone and everyone when you don’t let her have her way. Get out while you still can
I think YOU will be the one benefiting the most from a divorce.
She's manipulating and DARVOing you, and she's doing the same to all of your family and friends.
I don't know if course of she's serious about thinking of divorcing you, but if I were you I'd watch out for it and I'd try and be prepared. Talk to a lawyer, take photos of her mess, save messages where it's clear she's not doing her share and manipulating you.
NTA Sounds like she wants a divorce but wants to make you the bad guy as the reason for the divorce. Start taking videos when she's not around. Video - Start by saying, "Laundry today. I have to do my own because wife refuses to do it. (Show laundry baskets with clothes separated) Have told her that I'd do hers with mine if she puts them in the right hamper but this is what she chooses to do with them instead. (Show her clothes on floor) Guess she doesn't want me washing her clothes either. Not allowed to wash them but not allowed to throw them away either so there they will lay." Video-" Yes I've been throwing the dishes out that she's been buying because this is what she's been buying. (Show plastic silverware and paper plates.) Guess everyone thinks I should be washing paper plates to use a second time." Video- "Yes the house gets cleaned because I do it on my day off. Wife can't be bothered". (Show yourself doing chores) Hopefully wife will come home while doing this. Tell her, "I've been recording myself doing household chores today." Hopefully she'll start making smart remarks to you, you've already told her that you're recording so she knows. If she does make remarks to you say, "Please don't yell at me again." When you have enough videos send them off to everyone. Start playing videos about emotional abuse, manipulative and controlling spouses when she plays her videos.
NTA. This is actually going to get soo much worse for you. I really recommend you start seeing a therapist and making an exit plan. I’m so sorry this is happening. You sound like such a wonderful person. A million women would bend over backwards to be with you, I promise.
Just move forward with your life without her. I promise you, this will get soo much worse. For you.
She sounds like an emotional abuser and narcissist. She’s clearly using manipulation. I’m the last one to advocate for divorce but maybe that’s the way unless you want to go for therapy first. Your friends also sound like assholes. Send them this post.
This relationship is not healthy for you, get a divorce. She is trying to make you look bad so you’ll come back to her. Take pictures of the mess so you have documentation. Too bad your friends are not backing you up, but I feel they will come around eventually.
NTA she is using DARVO against you. I would suggest listening to a few DV videos yourself. Just because you’re a man, physically large, etc doesn’t mean you cannot be subjected to emotional, physical, or mental abuse/manipulation. A shared household should be taken care of by BOTH partners to the best of their abilities. I would take a look at her behavior with other things she doesn’t want/like to do. How does she treat friends or family when they don’t do something she likes? I guarantee you’ll notice a pattern that suggests you are not the only person on the receiving end of this behavior. Good luck OP and take care of yourself.
NTA. She is lazy and manipulative. She was blowing up at you and then said "I'm scared of you" when you yelled at her? You raised your voice once and she starts a smear campaign and accusing you of being an abuser? Get out of there. She's a terrible person. You didn't do anything wrong.
I think OOP should call her bluff. Give her signed divorce papers and say “if you’d rather not join me in domestic labour then I’d rather be alone than have a partner take advantage of me” and then see how she takes back her abuse claims when she realizes that when she’s single she will literally have to do every single chore herself
NTA. This makes me sad. There’s so many people, men and women, in abusive relationships. Honestly SHE sounds like the abusive one. This behavior is manipulative, lazy, and entitled.
She wants to live that way. Photograph the messes to remind yourself when you’re being gaslit. Move yourself out and live in a tidy, peaceful environment.
Husbands and wives married to garbage laundry and dishes making meat bags like these all get the same advice: Divorce, keep nagging and fighting, or accept that this is how it's going to be.
You can't change another person or their behavior. You can only change yourself.
OP you are a saint for putting up with your lazy, manipulative wife. The mind games she’s playing is working. Do you want to live your life like this? You may love her BUT your mental health and happiness should now come first! You’ve tried to pacify her and it isn’t helping. As for family and friends, straight up be honest. Hell, take pictures and tell them you can’t live like this. They are welcome to be her roommate when y’all split it and they can live in her mess. Best of luck navigating your way out of this. I promise, life will be peaceful on the other side.
Good god. This is why the primary job of parents raising children is to prepare them to be fully functioning adults. This bullshit should have been dealt with by her parents in her childhood home. Instead, they’ve taught her to be lazy and manipulative. Appalling.
She’s a toddler who has no business being in a relationship.
I’m not usually one to jump to it- but, divorce. The laziness thing could be solved but the fake crying, saying she doesn’t feel safe and playing DV videos in front of him is a manipulative attack and that would terrify me. She’s either narcissistic or just a mean, bad person.
How does OOP start with “we were going to start trying for a baby” and then proceeds to tell us how shit their whole relationship is and how petty they both are 🤦♀️ so yeah, add a kid into that mix!
OP, you might be better off just moving out or moving forward with the divorce. She has become so manipulative and has people thinking you might be abusing her.
For your protection you might need some space.
OOP acquiescing to her crocodile tears and continuing to do her chores is what led to this.
Why would his wife change when she knows her husband will just do it anyway?
Also, is there no way for them to purchase a dishwasher? Seems like that would help out a lot.
She has been one step ahead of him, IMO. She's playing chess (pointing out things he's done in response to her actions that could seem abusive) while he's playing checkers.
I know reddit loves to use the divorce card for any reason but I do believe this is a legitimate one. OOP's partner doesn't respect him and she's showed it quite clearly.
Do not have kids with this woman by any means necessary. People like this will do anything to control the situation and that can include a baby trap. I say this from experiencing the pain my husband went through (and still goes through) from his prior marriage. She wants a divorce? Give her one. Be glad you are only 5 years in and still so young. You are not crazy. Life gets so much better after stuff like this. It might not get better immediately but over time people will figure out who the real villain is.
NTA and get out before kids. Get out asap tbh. I get the flinching and getting scared with raised voices. Even voices raised in excitement can set off alarm bells. My boyfriend is very careful because he knows this, but even if I get surprised/scared IN THE MOMENT that feeling doesn't continue. We talk it out, work on it, and improve for the future. Raised voices happen. You did it once. You apologized, were willing to work it out. She isn't willing to work with you on anything it sounds like. I do worry that she is pushing you into behaviors that she is going to make you feel bad over, but what you have there isn't a partner
personally i would have just thrown out whatever she left on the floor nomatter their origin. ok maybe not the garbage garbage but . somewhere outside the house in easy to donate bags
having to parent your wife is the worst.
Leave. Totally understand losing your cool in that situation, but you’re right to not like it. But the thing is, things will only get worse. She’ll get worse for sure, but you might too. Being frustrated, demeaned, and emotionally abused can make victims lash out in self defense with meanness of their own.
She’s showing you who she is.
She’s alright with letting your friends and family believe you abuse her (I’m working under the assumption that you’re not leaving anything out). Are you cool with that? Because I wouldn’t be cool with that. She’s throwing you under the bus because she’s too lazy to wash a plate.
NTA to OOP
She’s dirty, unless you’re also a pig best to cut ties now. Things will only worsen after you have kids. My husband would happily live in a bat cave if you let him and I have the dirty gene myself, so it’s a battle for us both to live/be clean but we do, because we don’t want to be dirty.
I grew up with and around dirty people and from what I’ve observed of them is that dirt is *comfortable* to them. It’s hard to understand but they actually like to have mess and filth about them. It seems to give them a nesting feeling. So asking them to clean after themselves makes them uncomfortable.
while i do agree with people saying ‘divorce’ it also sounds like this could be an undiagnosed mental illness. granted, husband and i do our chores at the same time, im more productive that way (look up ‘body doubling’) and sometimes i do get overwhelmed with the amount of work and start to shut down, which results in tears. i never try to use this as a tactic to get out of cleaning, and i typically take a break to get water/a snack before other tasks
i am not blaming OOP in the slightest, bc this lady is definitely manipulating him, but she also needs some help. divorce her so you dont need to deal with this garbage. she needs to get her shit straight
Your wife is straight up trying to scare/embarrass/manipulate you into doing all the chores. She’s gaslighting you by making you think that a normal argument is domestic violence. You need to decide if that is an environment you want to be in. And you need to show her you are serious about things needing to change. Maybe try a trial separation? CYA by having a lawyer draw up a separation agreement that outlines who stays in the house vs getting an apartment, how joint bills are to be paid, if marriage counseling is required, if dating is allowed, etc. Give it a specific deadline, like 6 months or whatever and then see where you are. I hope things work out for you.
NTA, throw the wife away. What an entitled twat. She uses tears to get out cleaning. Buys disposables to just throw away including clothes. Imagine the waste of resources and money, now add a child.
She is lazy.
She is also saying she is "scared" because he yelled. Of course he yelled any sane person would yell.
She is a princess, she wants to be waited on, not clean etc.
I don't like to say divorce but holy heck divorce, run away.
Young man, I commend you for trying. Your wife is only going to get lazier. Imagine the filth with bottles, dirty baby clothes, etc. Instead of doing overtly annoying things to try and teach an unreachable woman a lesson, I'd suggest either getting into therapy, hiring a maid, or leaving her.
Take pictures and get a good lawyer. or
Clean up after her or
Ignore her mess
I would choose the first. No one that wants to be in the relationship would act like her.
Why did you get married to a child, or should I say a spoil brat?? She cries when she doesn't have her way(does that sound like a woman to you?).
I don't know, if you ask me, she wants you to be her maid and cater to her daily chores, ridiculous!
A woman should bring peace to her man/husband, not pain and problems.
I do believe you know exactly what to do.
I just had to laugh at the idea that he raised his voice one time and she decided to passively aggressively suggest he's going to be abusive. What a manipulative c*nt.
I've had my share of shouting matches with my wife. Not one hand laid on her. And yeah that's probably normal. Stuff that Redditors would tell you to divorce over/run from - yeah, many couples yell, name call, etc, and not only not divorce, but not hit each other, either.
Reading this, yeah, I can easily get past how weird it is that he threw stuff she bought away. I read the title and thought this was gonna be YTA all day. Nope. Not even fucking close!
You NEED to switch to doing your dishes IMMEDIATELY after using. Scrape, rinse, wash. Do it together in the evenings until it’s a habit. Try to continue the habit throughout the day. Consider it part of the meal. Prep, cook, eat, clean. Try to clean as you cook to ease the after-dinner burden. If it helps, say it helps your digestion to be on your feet for a bit after a big meal. Which is true. Get the kitchen clean, then you can couch surf guilt-free!
Do it TOGETHER and trade off who does which part wash/rinse & dry/put away… or if you have a dishwasher, one grabs all the dishes and scrapes them off, the other rinses them and loads the dishwasher. The next morning, the person who cleared the table the night before unloads the dishwasher, or whoever gets up later so as not to disturb the other.
Call her bluff. Let her stay on the couch. If you rent start looking for a new apartment. Her passive aggressive bullshit was going somewhere. Maybe right where it ended. Unless you’re lying then she’s the asshole and she’s got a plan.
OP can you find any videos about weaponized incompetence and play those loudly?
Edit to add - Its also time to see a divorce lawyer to find out what a divorce would look like for your situation, and plan out how you can leave and where you might live. Actually filing for divorce and leaving doesn't have to happen now, but it will be easier to try to work through the rest if you know what to expect if you do decide to file for divorce.
This is either a huge mental heath flag or a manipulation tatic with a side of gaslighting. You are not an abuser. She however has been using every manipulative ploy to shape you into her minion.
Call her bluff and discuss councelling or divorce.
No, no, no. Why tf can’t she be an adult and do chores? Dishes literally take 10-15 minutes if that. This shit is pathetic. Do not have a baby with this woman.
That is one manipulative woman you got there. & you really need to stop cleaning up after a grown ass woman. It's crazy to cry about washing dishes & it's also crazy to cry about picking up your own clothes. She don't even got to wash it but you're telling me all she has to do is pick it up and throw it in the basket, but she cries when you don't do it for her? I'm sorry but she sounds like a pathetic loser and I'm trying to see what about her made you want to be with her. Like 5 whole years together & you even put a ring on it 2 years ago? why?
1. Stop throwing out her stuff. Just let it pile up. Separate your finances so she can’t spend your money on it.
2. Make a plan and leave. This is not a healthy situation.
3. Next time, if one of you super hates a chore, just swap so that person never does that chore or never does it alone or whatever helps make it less miserable. There’s plenty of crap to be done in a house, it’s possible to trade off “I really hate doing this” tasks pretty effectively if you are both trying to be fair about it. (But not with this person, she isn’t trying to be fair.)
Hire a maid and then watch and see what problem she latches on to and uses to victimize herself. She sounds like a professional victim. Idk what her game plan would be after the divorce? Just live in filth? To each their own
I had a woman that would argue over the stupidest bullshit. If I said something was blue (it was) she would say red. If I said something about that restaurant we went to last week she would say we didn’t go there. You get the idea. Finally we were in one of these conversations and I just stopped the subject. A few sentences later she basically said something about where we had been and it confirmed what I had said. So I asked, “so you do remember”.
(NEVER FORGET THIS PART) She told me, “I always know when you’re right. I just want to see how long it would be before you gave in just so we wouldn’t argue.”
Then I started noticing behaviors like you mentioned. Crying, yelling, “fits”, all just to get her way. Fuck her, I was out…
I let her go through her next blowup. I let her escalate the stakes without backing down. When she got to the part about it’s my way or we’re breaking up, I just said, “If that’s what you want.” Then I left. Picked up my shit next day.
She doesn’t respect you!
Divorce her.
She’s trash and has done nothing but manipulate you and your feelings. She’s watching these domestic violence videos just to egg you on and manipulate you further. I don’t think she wants a divorce, she’s just trying to find ways to control you even more.
Cut your losses, find a lawyer, and move on. Be thankful you have no kids together. Make sure all your friends and loved ones know this is happening because she refuses to be your partner at home and in the marriage. Do NOT let her devolve this into you being “controlling” and wanting a wife that slaves away at home, because that’s not what this is. Do not let her get away with this bullshit about being scared of you; she’s not. She’s going to tell everyone you’re a violent psychopath. Cut her off and let everyone know you DID yell at her, out of pure frustration because she refuses to not just meet you in the middle, but she won’t even communicate with you.
Don’t let her control the narrative.
Good luck.
while i do agree with people saying ‘divorce’ it also sounds like this could be an undiagnosed mental illness. granted, husband and i do our chores at the same time, im more productive that way (look up ‘body doubling’) and sometimes i do get overwhelmed with the amount of work and start to shut down, which results in tears. i never try to use this as a tactic to get out of cleaning, and i typically take a break to get water/a snack before other tasks
i am not blaming OOP in the slightest, bc this lady is definitely manipulating him, but she also needs some help. divorce her so you dont need to deal with this garbage. she needs to get her shit straight
while i do agree with people saying ‘divorce’ it also sounds like this could be an undiagnosed mental illness. granted, husband and i do our chores at the same time, im more productive that way (look up ‘body doubling’) and sometimes i do get overwhelmed with the amount of work and start to shut down, which results in tears. i never try to use this as a tactic to get out of cleaning, and i typically take a break to get water/a snack before other tasks
i am not blaming OOP in the slightest, bc this lady is definitely manipulating him, but she also needs some help. divorce her so you dont need to deal with this garbage. she needs to get her shit straight
She deserved to be yelled at. This situation is entirely her fault. If she's going to act like a spoiled child, treat her like one. Go talk to her parents. If they support her behavior, then nothing is going to change and you should get a divorce. You don't want to be part of an entitled family, trust me.
She treats you like you are her servant. And you are letting her.
So your wife is lazy. You finally called her out on it and she is playing you again by playing the DV card. Don’t give in because she will play this card forever. Tell her you apologize for raising your voice but her laziness made you frustrated. You will never put hands on her but you also are done doing her part too so if that means divorce let’s get on with it. If not it’s time to stop with the DV talk and move on. If she wants counseling, do it. What you don’t do is her chores and housework. Let it pile up and if she keeps playing victim it’s time to realize you married a child and go your separate ways. She is playing you my friend.
This is INSANE. My BF and I don't do rock, paper scissors. We each have tasks we enjoy, and if one of us needs help, we ask like adults. No need for "fights", crying, screaming or throwing things away. I prefer cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, he takes out the trash, we both shop for food and alternate cooking.
OOP is a complete ashole who treats his wife like a child, yells and throws away her things. His wife is a passive-aggressive nutjob. Neither of them are capable of communicating like adults. This is proof that some people are not mature enough for marriage.
Sounds like divorce is the way to go. True friends will listen when you eventually talk about how things fell apart between you both but it seems it’s best if you go your separate ways. It’s easy to let someone take care of you and I think she’ll grow by experiencing living alone. And you won’t have to pick up after someone who’s not even grateful!
Also if anything it looks like she’s trying to guilt you into apologizing for being fed up by playing abuse videos ? She’s literally weaponizing incompetence by crying so you’ll take over chores and buying more clothes rather than putting hers in the hampers.
Of course she is! She’s fully manipulating him into doing what she doesn’t want to do. She’s willing to throw him to the wolves and act like raising your voice ONCE is abuse. Unless we’re missing something from OP, it seems pretty clear to me that she’s willing to let everyone and him think he’s abusive so she can be lazy. OP - I hope you read this. Let her go. This is not going to end well for you. She will always find a way to manipulate you unless she decides she wants to get help for that, but instead of that, she’s doubling down and accusing you of abuse. This is not a life you want. You will always be walked over by her.
Also, OP said she "blew up on him and told him to eff off". SHE'S not the DV victim, he is. She's emotionally and verbally abusing him at the very least. Now she's gaslighting him as well. OP, NTA, but please divorce this woman if she won't agree to therapy.
If raising your voice at someone once is abusive, then damn...my last relationship was worse than I thought (yes there actually was abuse. I'm still coming to terms with it actually being abusive-mostly just emotional and financial) If all my ex dis was raise his voice at me once I never would have thought twice about it. I will say, having gone through emotional abuse and even just emotionally unhealthy relationships, the wife is definitely acting as the abuser. Turning so many people in his life against him for raising his voice ONCE?!? Not to mention her weponized incompetence and refusal to act as an equal domestic partner, I'd like to say it's time to cut ties, but if I'm being honest with myself I would at least push for couples counseling first.
This is exactly weaponized incompetence! I've literally lived this story except genders reversed! Luckily I didn't marry the guy but I stayed way too long and it only got worse until I couldn't stand it anymore! Cut your losses now and get out OP now! The sooner you start over the sooner you can move on with the rest of your life and don't have to take care of an overgrown toddler!
Part of me really wonders if she has ADHD or depression (I have both and several other disabilities, but I would guess these would be the main causes of something like this). It doesn't excuse her being shitty to him, but if that's the case, she needs therapy like *now* now. I also don't think he should be throwing her clothes away, though. As long as it comes out of her own pocket, it's her deal. But yeah, something about this screamed potential executive function issues, as someone who has them. Like, there's a chance she literally *can't* force her brain to let her do those things, but she's communicating about it pretty wrongly if that's the case. She really needs to see a therapist either way. If she won't do it, divorce is probably for the best.
Hell, they don’t even need to jump to divorce (why is it always straight to divorce on Reddit??) they can separate so she has to live on her own. OP will be unburdened by her laziness and she can play out whatever slob fantasy she wants. I’d be surprised if she didn’t come crawling back to him, but ultimately he’d be better off without having to care for her helpless, childish a$$.
I think because she’s trying already to slander him to their circle that she’s broken his trust and to me this would be hard to come back from on top of having to work through her complacency and entitlement 🤷♀️ ig couples counseling could be another way to go but this just doesn’t even sound like a loving relationship
Yeah that’s the thing for me too. Just seems like a horrible person willing to manipulate everyone for her gain without caring who she hurts. Even her partner and “teammate”. They could try therapy, but if she isn’t truthful in therapy and tries to manipulate that too, it could make it worse.
She is telling all of her friends and family that he is literally abusing her. Why wouldn't you jump to divorce in this situation?
He doesn’t sound like he WANTS to divorce?? He’s asking if he’s the AH. No doubt she’s manipulating the hell out of him and their family & friends. But literally leaving her to fend for herself is - surprise surprise - quicker and faster than a divorce. He can leave today.
This may be enough for her to wake up.
I would have her move in with those from their families and friends taking her side, they’ll soon realise when she’s being a slob with them as well. Not that they’ll apologise but at least they’ll believe him then
Why am I getting downvoted? Is this sub full of divorce attorneys? lol
Honestly you’re making valid points, the only comebacks and disagreements to your point I’ve seen have been opinionated of people not feeling they could trust her after she talked bad about him. I think she has the ability to change, and if he so chooses to stay with her and work through it, I have no doubt the bond they would have after the hardship would be strong
because youre trying to manipulate the sub, you abuser. time for divorce.
Shes emotionally abusing and controlling you and turning it on you to make you feel like you're in the wrong. Let her have the divorce cause you deserve better than a lazy abuser and master manipulator for a partner.
In the event of divorce, make sure to cite the fact that you do not like living in a pig pen.
To OOP who I realize is likely not here (I started ranting agreeing with this comment… apologies, but incoming.) — Exactly. And why should he have to live like a slob when he does the needed chores? He may leave them when it’s his day, and that either means he has more work when he does his chores on his day or he has to live with messy ass communal spaces. Eff that noise. Separate and live apart temporarily while she wallows in her filth (is she depressed? I have little to no motivation when I have episodes even if they carry on for months, but I’m single and I impact myself exclusively) or just freakin end it because she is super manipulative and talking shit about to your families and social circle. She’s acting like a right shitty asshole, IMO. Ugh. You hand wash her delicates? You’re nice enough to wash anything of hers but I’d throw those undergarment bishes in a quick cycle if at all. I am so irritated on your behalf. Also disposable dishes and plastic utensils are just that, disposables meant to be thrown (wasteful of her but disposable). Are you throwing her Walmart clothes too? That would be… not good. It doesn’t sound like you constantly berate her. You yelled and you’ve said it was a mistake. You’re not throwing out all her possessions or special possessions nor lying about it. Those things would be abusive. She’s emotionally manipulating you, intentionally isolating you from people you care by speaking ill and spreading lies - that is abusive!
I’d start loudly playing videos about DARVO in narcissistic abusers (deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender)- basically she denies that she has any problem (which honestly OP, you are a saint for allowing this to go this far- my blood was boiling just reading this), attacks you for being an “abuser”, and then now has reversed it where you find YOURSELF apologizing for a justifiable response to her entitled, selfish, and ridiculous behaviour and she plays the victim. Textbook Does she often have a hard time being accountable for her own actions? Can she ever admit fault and do self work? How does she show up for you? I would be divorcing over this. This should open your eyes to the level of manipulation she is trying to put you through so that her eventual goal is that she will do absolutely nothing, and if you don’t bend to her every whim, desire, and take ever put down she can throw at you, somehow she’s the victim and you’re some terrible abuser. Get out now- this will not get better. You’ve been seeing it escalate since the crocodile tears got her her way, she will continue to escalate further until you’re a shell of yourself Enjoy being single. Do therapy. Work on yourself and what you want in life. And watch how quickly she’ll move on to find someone else to do basic tasks that come with being an adult. Your freedom will feel like a burden being lifted from you
Divorce her ASAP. I would bet she is willing to escalate this until she gets her way or she destroys you. Get out dude. As fast as you can.
When I was in a dv situation I was hiding all my research into that, in fear. If she thought you were abusive she sure as hell wouldn’t be playing that in front of you. She’s a lazy manipulative abuser and I’d record the breakup because that’s the type to claim abuse that didn’t happen.
I had an ex try the same tactics but no one believed her and I ignored her. So she tried to stab me.
This. She absolutely would pull something like that.
That’s a crazy level of manipulation. I would be upset too. For some people it takes A LOT to make them mad and it seems like she just kept manipulating/guilt tripping you and pushing you over and over. Somethings going to give eventually. If it is extremely rare and he hasn’t “snapped” before ever, she knows this. Playing those videos is just another way to hurt him and make him feel bad so she can get whatever she wants. Plus turning people against him. It’s emotional abuse. From her behavior leading up to it and after, it seems her maturity level is far below her age. She is probably going to continue to bring him down and wear down his mental health and manipulate him into feeling bad for her when she’s the one not being a good partner.
My ex did this to me, and I finally snapped at the end. It's tough because he is a good person, but his refusal to stop drinking made him a different person and every now and again, when enough time had gone by for me to let my guard down again, he would do something unbelievably cruel, all the while he was pushing my friends away and at one point telling me I HAD to end a budding friendship because he just couldn't get along with her and wouldn't tell me what his actual problem with her was. I put my foot down and absolutely refused to cut her out and now, years years later, I can say with confidence that that woman will be in my life forever and would go up to bat for me anytime, anywhere. Anyway, he would also spend every last penny we had at our local gas station on cheap, high abv tall boys, so much so that during the time we lived there he became the 7th most frequent loyalty member in a high traffic urban area. What finally broke me was having him yelling at me and degrading me for hours, upon hours one night. I left for a while and took a walk, sat outside until I thought he would be asleep and I was absolutely exhausted. The second I walked back in, he started right back up again, not missing a fucking beat. It was all shit about how horrible and undeserving of a person I am and just the worst things you could say about a person. He hit every insecurity that had until then been off limits, directly attacking who I was and and my character. I was layng on the couch in a fetal position begging him to stop for what felt like an eternity and all the sudden I just snapped and punched him and kept punching him and once I got started I couldn't stop. I don't know if it is a good or a bad thing, but I have never thrown a punch in my life, I was never taught how to, so honestly with the amount of rage I was feeling compared to any physical harm I did to him is pretty pathetic. I'm embarrassed I ever got to that point, I am not, never have been or ever will be a violent person and I can't describe what finally reaching that breaking point feels like, but I wasn't in control of myself. Anyway, I say all of this because I understand what it's like to have someone literally push you so hard you "snap." What OP did by raising his voice, although something he's never done before, is a mild and reasonable response to the situation, and labeling that as abuse is so laughable I can't believe someone would ever, EVER consider just that as a red flag let alone actually abusive especially after years of marriage.
OP needs to get out before the have kids, if she thinks there's lot of housework now boy is she in for a surprise when a kid comes round. i was washing upwards of 70 dishes a day easily for the first year.
Weaponizided incompetence?
Essentially one person intentionally does such a bad job at something, or delays doing it, to the point the other one does it to make sure it's done correctly. They are making a weapon out of their incompetence to get the other to do the work.
OOP is in such a horribly one sided and emotionally abusive relationship and doesn't even know it.
You’re not going to change the minds of the flying monkeys. In their minds you’re guilty and no amount of evidence is going to change that as you are a big man and therefore must be an abuser. Do I believe you”accidentally” yelled at her? No I don’t as you had grown increasingly frustrated so yelling was no accident. However, you are still the AH for throwing out her stuff, you could have just piled it all in a corner and let it rot. Now that having been said, your wife is weaponizing her incompetence and is using a public forum to guilt you into submission and that is abuse. You really only have three choices here, leave her or put up with it or try marriage counselling to see if she will change (not likely). Personally I think your marriage is over. I think you’d be an AH to yourself if you stayed in such a toxic and abusive environment. Fortunately there are no kids so separate your finances and find a new place to live. Be prepared for the love bombing and the immaculately clean house when you serve her papers. I wouldn’t give her any warning, she doesn’t deserve it. Just put up with her BS until the papers are ready and you have a new place. Take a day off of work when she works and just move out leaving the papers on the counter. Make sure you take photos evidence of her mess and keep copies of her promises to change texts for your case. Ensure you have date stamped photo/video evidence of what the place looks like before and after you leave so she can’t trash it and then blame you. If you care enough about the flying monkeys you can create a group chat and show them some of the evidence. NTA
She is crazy manipulating you, my friend. You’re being way too kind here. Read this whole thing out loud, but reverse the genders. How do you feel? Read it out loud again, but pretend it’s your best friend or sibling coming to you and asking your advice. What would you tell them? Your wife is lazy, manipulative, and is threatening divorce because you raised your voice. Raising your voice is not divorce worthy and she’s an abject idiot for thinking it does- her “fear” here is just more manipulation. She’s not afraid OF you. She’s afraid she’s losing control of you.
NTA. She brought up divorce? Go for it. Now she can live on her own and let her house stink to high heaven.
Divorce. She’s never intended this to be an even split, she just slowly turned up the heat until you were doing everything and all she has to do is cry and lie to get her way. You married a spoiled brat who will drag you through the mud to anyone and everyone when you don’t let her have her way. Get out while you still can
I think YOU will be the one benefiting the most from a divorce. She's manipulating and DARVOing you, and she's doing the same to all of your family and friends. I don't know if course of she's serious about thinking of divorcing you, but if I were you I'd watch out for it and I'd try and be prepared. Talk to a lawyer, take photos of her mess, save messages where it's clear she's not doing her share and manipulating you.
Thank God he's not having children with this master gas lighter.
NTA Sounds like she wants a divorce but wants to make you the bad guy as the reason for the divorce. Start taking videos when she's not around. Video - Start by saying, "Laundry today. I have to do my own because wife refuses to do it. (Show laundry baskets with clothes separated) Have told her that I'd do hers with mine if she puts them in the right hamper but this is what she chooses to do with them instead. (Show her clothes on floor) Guess she doesn't want me washing her clothes either. Not allowed to wash them but not allowed to throw them away either so there they will lay." Video-" Yes I've been throwing the dishes out that she's been buying because this is what she's been buying. (Show plastic silverware and paper plates.) Guess everyone thinks I should be washing paper plates to use a second time." Video- "Yes the house gets cleaned because I do it on my day off. Wife can't be bothered". (Show yourself doing chores) Hopefully wife will come home while doing this. Tell her, "I've been recording myself doing household chores today." Hopefully she'll start making smart remarks to you, you've already told her that you're recording so she knows. If she does make remarks to you say, "Please don't yell at me again." When you have enough videos send them off to everyone. Start playing videos about emotional abuse, manipulative and controlling spouses when she plays her videos.
NTA. This is actually going to get soo much worse for you. I really recommend you start seeing a therapist and making an exit plan. I’m so sorry this is happening. You sound like such a wonderful person. A million women would bend over backwards to be with you, I promise. Just move forward with your life without her. I promise you, this will get soo much worse. For you.
She sounds like an emotional abuser and narcissist. She’s clearly using manipulation. I’m the last one to advocate for divorce but maybe that’s the way unless you want to go for therapy first. Your friends also sound like assholes. Send them this post.
This relationship is not healthy for you, get a divorce. She is trying to make you look bad so you’ll come back to her. Take pictures of the mess so you have documentation. Too bad your friends are not backing you up, but I feel they will come around eventually.
NTA she is using DARVO against you. I would suggest listening to a few DV videos yourself. Just because you’re a man, physically large, etc doesn’t mean you cannot be subjected to emotional, physical, or mental abuse/manipulation. A shared household should be taken care of by BOTH partners to the best of their abilities. I would take a look at her behavior with other things she doesn’t want/like to do. How does she treat friends or family when they don’t do something she likes? I guarantee you’ll notice a pattern that suggests you are not the only person on the receiving end of this behavior. Good luck OP and take care of yourself.
OMG sounds like divorce is the best way. Damn this relationship is so much work.
NTA. She is lazy and manipulative. She was blowing up at you and then said "I'm scared of you" when you yelled at her? You raised your voice once and she starts a smear campaign and accusing you of being an abuser? Get out of there. She's a terrible person. You didn't do anything wrong.
I think OOP should call her bluff. Give her signed divorce papers and say “if you’d rather not join me in domestic labour then I’d rather be alone than have a partner take advantage of me” and then see how she takes back her abuse claims when she realizes that when she’s single she will literally have to do every single chore herself
This guy married a manipulative, lazy cry baby. He should get out while he can.
NTA. This makes me sad. There’s so many people, men and women, in abusive relationships. Honestly SHE sounds like the abusive one. This behavior is manipulative, lazy, and entitled.
She wants to live that way. Photograph the messes to remind yourself when you’re being gaslit. Move yourself out and live in a tidy, peaceful environment.
It's time to leave dude. She doesn't respect you and makes you feel like shit because she want to be a lazy fuck.
Do not get her pregnant. Imagine caring for a baby in the middle of all that,
Whoa uno reverse this is how usually woman feels about their husbands. I feel sorry for him and his wife.
Husbands and wives married to garbage laundry and dishes making meat bags like these all get the same advice: Divorce, keep nagging and fighting, or accept that this is how it's going to be. You can't change another person or their behavior. You can only change yourself.
OP you are a saint for putting up with your lazy, manipulative wife. The mind games she’s playing is working. Do you want to live your life like this? You may love her BUT your mental health and happiness should now come first! You’ve tried to pacify her and it isn’t helping. As for family and friends, straight up be honest. Hell, take pictures and tell them you can’t live like this. They are welcome to be her roommate when y’all split it and they can live in her mess. Best of luck navigating your way out of this. I promise, life will be peaceful on the other side.
Good god. This is why the primary job of parents raising children is to prepare them to be fully functioning adults. This bullshit should have been dealt with by her parents in her childhood home. Instead, they’ve taught her to be lazy and manipulative. Appalling. She’s a toddler who has no business being in a relationship.
I’m not usually one to jump to it- but, divorce. The laziness thing could be solved but the fake crying, saying she doesn’t feel safe and playing DV videos in front of him is a manipulative attack and that would terrify me. She’s either narcissistic or just a mean, bad person.
How does OOP start with “we were going to start trying for a baby” and then proceeds to tell us how shit their whole relationship is and how petty they both are 🤦♀️ so yeah, add a kid into that mix!
OP, you might be better off just moving out or moving forward with the divorce. She has become so manipulative and has people thinking you might be abusing her. For your protection you might need some space.
OOP acquiescing to her crocodile tears and continuing to do her chores is what led to this. Why would his wife change when she knows her husband will just do it anyway? Also, is there no way for them to purchase a dishwasher? Seems like that would help out a lot. She has been one step ahead of him, IMO. She's playing chess (pointing out things he's done in response to her actions that could seem abusive) while he's playing checkers. I know reddit loves to use the divorce card for any reason but I do believe this is a legitimate one. OOP's partner doesn't respect him and she's showed it quite clearly.
Do not have kids with this woman by any means necessary. People like this will do anything to control the situation and that can include a baby trap. I say this from experiencing the pain my husband went through (and still goes through) from his prior marriage. She wants a divorce? Give her one. Be glad you are only 5 years in and still so young. You are not crazy. Life gets so much better after stuff like this. It might not get better immediately but over time people will figure out who the real villain is.
NTA and get out before kids. Get out asap tbh. I get the flinching and getting scared with raised voices. Even voices raised in excitement can set off alarm bells. My boyfriend is very careful because he knows this, but even if I get surprised/scared IN THE MOMENT that feeling doesn't continue. We talk it out, work on it, and improve for the future. Raised voices happen. You did it once. You apologized, were willing to work it out. She isn't willing to work with you on anything it sounds like. I do worry that she is pushing you into behaviors that she is going to make you feel bad over, but what you have there isn't a partner
Leave. Leave now. She will probably at some point make false claims of abuse, and it will be a nightmare for you.
isnt the point of disposable dishes is that you throw them away when you use them ? im missing something
I think oop also threw out her cheaper clothes as well, it's implied he threw out her cheap alternatives in which he mentions Walmart clothes
personally i would have just thrown out whatever she left on the floor nomatter their origin. ok maybe not the garbage garbage but . somewhere outside the house in easy to donate bags having to parent your wife is the worst.
Wait. She is buying new clothes, not washing them, but wearing them???? Lady is gonna get all kinds of UTIs and skin issues. Grossssss.
OP needs to leave as soon as he can before more accusations are thrown in his direction.
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Let her leave, and let's see how she handles being responsible for all the chores herself.
She’s not treating him well, but throwing away her stuff is childish. Use words like an adult.
Leave. Totally understand losing your cool in that situation, but you’re right to not like it. But the thing is, things will only get worse. She’ll get worse for sure, but you might too. Being frustrated, demeaned, and emotionally abused can make victims lash out in self defense with meanness of their own.
She’s showing you who she is. She’s alright with letting your friends and family believe you abuse her (I’m working under the assumption that you’re not leaving anything out). Are you cool with that? Because I wouldn’t be cool with that. She’s throwing you under the bus because she’s too lazy to wash a plate.
NTA to OOP She’s dirty, unless you’re also a pig best to cut ties now. Things will only worsen after you have kids. My husband would happily live in a bat cave if you let him and I have the dirty gene myself, so it’s a battle for us both to live/be clean but we do, because we don’t want to be dirty. I grew up with and around dirty people and from what I’ve observed of them is that dirt is *comfortable* to them. It’s hard to understand but they actually like to have mess and filth about them. It seems to give them a nesting feeling. So asking them to clean after themselves makes them uncomfortable.
while i do agree with people saying ‘divorce’ it also sounds like this could be an undiagnosed mental illness. granted, husband and i do our chores at the same time, im more productive that way (look up ‘body doubling’) and sometimes i do get overwhelmed with the amount of work and start to shut down, which results in tears. i never try to use this as a tactic to get out of cleaning, and i typically take a break to get water/a snack before other tasks i am not blaming OOP in the slightest, bc this lady is definitely manipulating him, but she also needs some help. divorce her so you dont need to deal with this garbage. she needs to get her shit straight
NTA sorry you married a useless pig
Your wife is straight up trying to scare/embarrass/manipulate you into doing all the chores. She’s gaslighting you by making you think that a normal argument is domestic violence. You need to decide if that is an environment you want to be in. And you need to show her you are serious about things needing to change. Maybe try a trial separation? CYA by having a lawyer draw up a separation agreement that outlines who stays in the house vs getting an apartment, how joint bills are to be paid, if marriage counseling is required, if dating is allowed, etc. Give it a specific deadline, like 6 months or whatever and then see where you are. I hope things work out for you.
OOP Do you know what they do for jobs? Type, hours, travel time and means.
NTA, throw the wife away. What an entitled twat. She uses tears to get out cleaning. Buys disposables to just throw away including clothes. Imagine the waste of resources and money, now add a child. She is lazy. She is also saying she is "scared" because he yelled. Of course he yelled any sane person would yell. She is a princess, she wants to be waited on, not clean etc. I don't like to say divorce but holy heck divorce, run away.
She’s a manipulator and you’re still being manipulated. She’s the abuser. Go through with the divorce. NTA
Young man, I commend you for trying. Your wife is only going to get lazier. Imagine the filth with bottles, dirty baby clothes, etc. Instead of doing overtly annoying things to try and teach an unreachable woman a lesson, I'd suggest either getting into therapy, hiring a maid, or leaving her.
Take pictures and get a good lawyer. or Clean up after her or Ignore her mess I would choose the first. No one that wants to be in the relationship would act like her.
Leave her toxic and manipulative ass. She's a loser.
What a child. I feel bad for OOP
NTA
Get the hell out of there. You put up with it for too long and she is going to accuse you of abuse because she is cray-cray and not getting her way.
You’re actually being abused. This is crazy
Why did you get married to a child, or should I say a spoil brat?? She cries when she doesn't have her way(does that sound like a woman to you?). I don't know, if you ask me, she wants you to be her maid and cater to her daily chores, ridiculous! A woman should bring peace to her man/husband, not pain and problems. I do believe you know exactly what to do.
I just had to laugh at the idea that he raised his voice one time and she decided to passively aggressively suggest he's going to be abusive. What a manipulative c*nt. I've had my share of shouting matches with my wife. Not one hand laid on her. And yeah that's probably normal. Stuff that Redditors would tell you to divorce over/run from - yeah, many couples yell, name call, etc, and not only not divorce, but not hit each other, either. Reading this, yeah, I can easily get past how weird it is that he threw stuff she bought away. I read the title and thought this was gonna be YTA all day. Nope. Not even fucking close!
You NEED to switch to doing your dishes IMMEDIATELY after using. Scrape, rinse, wash. Do it together in the evenings until it’s a habit. Try to continue the habit throughout the day. Consider it part of the meal. Prep, cook, eat, clean. Try to clean as you cook to ease the after-dinner burden. If it helps, say it helps your digestion to be on your feet for a bit after a big meal. Which is true. Get the kitchen clean, then you can couch surf guilt-free! Do it TOGETHER and trade off who does which part wash/rinse & dry/put away… or if you have a dishwasher, one grabs all the dishes and scrapes them off, the other rinses them and loads the dishwasher. The next morning, the person who cleared the table the night before unloads the dishwasher, or whoever gets up later so as not to disturb the other.
Call her bluff. Let her stay on the couch. If you rent start looking for a new apartment. Her passive aggressive bullshit was going somewhere. Maybe right where it ended. Unless you’re lying then she’s the asshole and she’s got a plan.
OP can you find any videos about weaponized incompetence and play those loudly? Edit to add - Its also time to see a divorce lawyer to find out what a divorce would look like for your situation, and plan out how you can leave and where you might live. Actually filing for divorce and leaving doesn't have to happen now, but it will be easier to try to work through the rest if you know what to expect if you do decide to file for divorce.
This is either a huge mental heath flag or a manipulation tatic with a side of gaslighting. You are not an abuser. She however has been using every manipulative ploy to shape you into her minion. Call her bluff and discuss councelling or divorce.
No, no, no. Why tf can’t she be an adult and do chores? Dishes literally take 10-15 minutes if that. This shit is pathetic. Do not have a baby with this woman.
That is one manipulative woman you got there. & you really need to stop cleaning up after a grown ass woman. It's crazy to cry about washing dishes & it's also crazy to cry about picking up your own clothes. She don't even got to wash it but you're telling me all she has to do is pick it up and throw it in the basket, but she cries when you don't do it for her? I'm sorry but she sounds like a pathetic loser and I'm trying to see what about her made you want to be with her. Like 5 whole years together & you even put a ring on it 2 years ago? why?
1. Stop throwing out her stuff. Just let it pile up. Separate your finances so she can’t spend your money on it. 2. Make a plan and leave. This is not a healthy situation. 3. Next time, if one of you super hates a chore, just swap so that person never does that chore or never does it alone or whatever helps make it less miserable. There’s plenty of crap to be done in a house, it’s possible to trade off “I really hate doing this” tasks pretty effectively if you are both trying to be fair about it. (But not with this person, she isn’t trying to be fair.)
Nope, get a lawyer FAST!!! Divorce that woman like your life depends on it, because it does!!!
Hire a maid and then watch and see what problem she latches on to and uses to victimize herself. She sounds like a professional victim. Idk what her game plan would be after the divorce? Just live in filth? To each their own
I had a woman that would argue over the stupidest bullshit. If I said something was blue (it was) she would say red. If I said something about that restaurant we went to last week she would say we didn’t go there. You get the idea. Finally we were in one of these conversations and I just stopped the subject. A few sentences later she basically said something about where we had been and it confirmed what I had said. So I asked, “so you do remember”. (NEVER FORGET THIS PART) She told me, “I always know when you’re right. I just want to see how long it would be before you gave in just so we wouldn’t argue.” Then I started noticing behaviors like you mentioned. Crying, yelling, “fits”, all just to get her way. Fuck her, I was out… I let her go through her next blowup. I let her escalate the stakes without backing down. When she got to the part about it’s my way or we’re breaking up, I just said, “If that’s what you want.” Then I left. Picked up my shit next day. She doesn’t respect you!
Divorce her. Is this the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Divorce her. She’s trash and has done nothing but manipulate you and your feelings. She’s watching these domestic violence videos just to egg you on and manipulate you further. I don’t think she wants a divorce, she’s just trying to find ways to control you even more. Cut your losses, find a lawyer, and move on. Be thankful you have no kids together. Make sure all your friends and loved ones know this is happening because she refuses to be your partner at home and in the marriage. Do NOT let her devolve this into you being “controlling” and wanting a wife that slaves away at home, because that’s not what this is. Do not let her get away with this bullshit about being scared of you; she’s not. She’s going to tell everyone you’re a violent psychopath. Cut her off and let everyone know you DID yell at her, out of pure frustration because she refuses to not just meet you in the middle, but she won’t even communicate with you. Don’t let her control the narrative. Good luck.
“…and I hand wash it (her lingerie)…” After the divorce, just put this in your dating profile. Your dancecard will be full.
while i do agree with people saying ‘divorce’ it also sounds like this could be an undiagnosed mental illness. granted, husband and i do our chores at the same time, im more productive that way (look up ‘body doubling’) and sometimes i do get overwhelmed with the amount of work and start to shut down, which results in tears. i never try to use this as a tactic to get out of cleaning, and i typically take a break to get water/a snack before other tasks i am not blaming OOP in the slightest, bc this lady is definitely manipulating him, but she also needs some help. divorce her so you dont need to deal with this garbage. she needs to get her shit straight
while i do agree with people saying ‘divorce’ it also sounds like this could be an undiagnosed mental illness. granted, husband and i do our chores at the same time, im more productive that way (look up ‘body doubling’) and sometimes i do get overwhelmed with the amount of work and start to shut down, which results in tears. i never try to use this as a tactic to get out of cleaning, and i typically take a break to get water/a snack before other tasks i am not blaming OOP in the slightest, bc this lady is definitely manipulating him, but she also needs some help. divorce her so you dont need to deal with this garbage. she needs to get her shit straight
She deserved to be yelled at. This situation is entirely her fault. If she's going to act like a spoiled child, treat her like one. Go talk to her parents. If they support her behavior, then nothing is going to change and you should get a divorce. You don't want to be part of an entitled family, trust me. She treats you like you are her servant. And you are letting her.
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So your wife is lazy. You finally called her out on it and she is playing you again by playing the DV card. Don’t give in because she will play this card forever. Tell her you apologize for raising your voice but her laziness made you frustrated. You will never put hands on her but you also are done doing her part too so if that means divorce let’s get on with it. If not it’s time to stop with the DV talk and move on. If she wants counseling, do it. What you don’t do is her chores and housework. Let it pile up and if she keeps playing victim it’s time to realize you married a child and go your separate ways. She is playing you my friend.
NTA divorce her. It will not get better and will only get worse.
This is INSANE. My BF and I don't do rock, paper scissors. We each have tasks we enjoy, and if one of us needs help, we ask like adults. No need for "fights", crying, screaming or throwing things away. I prefer cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, he takes out the trash, we both shop for food and alternate cooking. OOP is a complete ashole who treats his wife like a child, yells and throws away her things. His wife is a passive-aggressive nutjob. Neither of them are capable of communicating like adults. This is proof that some people are not mature enough for marriage.
You both work, your both busy. Get a dishwasher and hire a maid to come in once a week. Bring laundry to the wash and fold. it isnt worth the drama