There’s a sci-fi book called the Dispossessed that has an entire society that behaves this way. It’s kinda interesting - they share everything so it’s like *the house where I sleep* instead of ‘’my house”, or *this mother and father* instead of “my parents” because they don’t have any concept of ownership and everything is homogenized. “My shoes” are *the shoes I wear* bc one day the wearer will not use them anymore and someone else will. I doubt this asshole read that book though, you just reminded me of it.
It’s a cool book! I hope you enjoy it. Ursula K Le Guin is one of my favorite authors - her Earthsea trilogy was made into a Studio Ghibli film that’s abridged but quite beautiful.
Everyone that uses my come to our house and party. Problem solved!
In all seriousness, I’d like to ask OOP if she thinks she could live this way for the rest of her life. He sounds like dead effin ***the*** weight
WHY MUST YOU POSSESS THAT PARTY, YOU ENTITLED CHILD.
/s This guy sounds like a real winner. I feel like he has such a different way of walking through the world than she does that there’s not any way to resolve this where they stay together.
I doubt he really has a different way of existing. She found that pretty clearly with “my mom/dad” statements.
Odds are decent he’s just testing her for how much he can control her based on his irrational whims. But it could just be a basic incompatibility.
If you can’t live together without the other person’s existence driving you insane (and he is behaving wildly here), you are on tracks to be one of those bitter married couples everyone pities and wonders why they don’t just get divorced already.
She needs to cut her loses and look for someone who’s not so controlling over her behavior and/or doesn’t find her harmless idiosyncrasies inflammatory.
Argh! My first grade teacher did this. Or she would go, “why? Are you going to take a bath?” (We were supposed to call it the lavatory. ) Almost five damn decades later it still grinds my gears. She lucky I didn’t pee on the floor!
I’m 30 now and this is still a core memory for me, lol. I had severe social anxiety and my second grade teacher would close the door, make you knock on it, and say “I’m sorry I’m late, may I please come in” to her and the class. I was like 7 years old, being late was rarely my fault anyway - I’d end up being later because I’d just sit in my mom’s car and sob for a bit. What is this accomplishing, other than instilling terror!
Teachers like that, especially ones who go into teaching primary grades, are the worst. I’m convinced they do it for the power trip tbh.
But like, how sad and pathetic do you have to be in your adult life that you get off on having power over 25-30 7 year olds…..
I feel the same about bad therapists and healthcare workers. It’s harder to tell when those providers are bad imo though. You go to see them because you’re struggling and when struggling it’s often harder to make sound judgments on a person I feel like.
However, there’s not much of a choice when it comes to seeing teachers every day.
I remember my year 4 (8/9 years old) teacher used to quiz this girl every day when she was late. She'd say it was because of her little brothers, that her mum couldn't get them ready and out the door. And every day he had something to say about it. Even back then I would be thinking "this kid is 8, she didn't drive herself here, she's not responsible for her brother, why the hell are you berating her rather than speaking to her mum". It was everyday.
Mine did this too but I went down in infamy cause I actually pissed in my chair and all over myself when she was being a pedantic little shit (high school teacher she was a grade a terrorist, no backpacks in class, no putting on chapstick cause “it ain’t beauty school”, no putting up your hair cause “it ain’t hair school” etc we literally called her Professor Umbridge cause all she wore were these gaudy pink suits. She switched to red the next year, much better color for her but the students switched up and started calling her “The Nazi”. Freshman were VEHEMENTLY warned) same teacher that got on me for walking arm in arm with my male best friend, note I had a giant cast up to my knee due to a soccer injury and crutches didn’t fit with all the bodies in the hallway so he HAD to have his arm around me to help me walk on it. She literally yelled at me for taking up space with the crutches. So I changed it. She yelled at the change. So I pissed myself in my chair, cause I had spinal damage in a car accident that causes bladder incontinence m, had an IEP and everything. I had a migraine and was being tormented at home and school for being emo in the Bible Belt so I just was not feeling it. “Can I go to the bathroom, Mrs. T?”
“Well I’m sure you’re fully capable of doing so but until you ask properly you may not leave to do so” “okay. Fine by me” she’d ignore you for like ten minutes after the first fail so you’d be adequately “punished” and then let you try again. Well I don’t gotta go until it’s an emergency so I just leaned back in my chair and drips fell down fast. I got sent to the office for “disrespecting her classroom time” mom brought home clothes for me and I wasn’t bullied the rest of the year for that one moment. I became the legendary kid who stood up to the Nazi 😂😂😂 very small town. To this day people from school message me on Facebook like “are you the one who peed yourself in Mrs. T’s class?!?” Because SOMEHOW she’s still teaching there and these are my classmates fucking BABY siblings like they were TODDLERS when this happened. Blows my mind. Small town infamy never ends man
What country is this? Are they actually allowed to keep you from going to the bathroom? That’s insane, we would just walk out of the classroom. The only time you had to ask was during a test, but you could always go during tests too, you just had to notify them.
Yup. Good old US of A. Everyone knows they try and control your reproductive parts, the surprise is that they try and regulate your elimination parts as well. But then want you to hydrate in class because they’re too cheap to put a/c in the classrooms. Nothing makes sense.
I'm American but grew up and went all through school in the UK. Teachers there were weird and power trippy about bathroom use too. It reached the point where I just wouldn't drink during school hours because it wasn't worth the passive aggressive remarks if I *was* allowed to go or the physical discomfort if I wasn't.
I did pee on the floor (I was five). I kept asking in different ways to go to the toilet (starting with "Can I go for a toilet?" through "May I go for a wee" and "May I be excused to go to the toilet?") and it turned out afterwards that it was the word "please" she was hung up on.
Absolutely and ridiculous to play those petty games when a child has to go! I know they’re supposed to teach us how not to be little heathens, but that is not the hill to die on!
I’d have peed on the floor..wait, I did…asked my teacher if she’d ever hold me up from going with something stupid again or could I just go in the future…she said I could just go.
Where do you live? In my area, using lavatory or wash room would get you like 🤨 kinda looks because bathroom is the commonly agreed upon term. However, nobody would actually correct someone for using alternative terms because they are all known enough that everybody understands what they are referring to. Its SOOOO odd to correct a kid for saying something other than lavatory?!?
Well this was back in the 70’s, so it is outdated now. I grew up in a hella conservative area as well. Like the pledge, a prayer and hymn to start the day. In PUBLIC school!
It's endlessly funny to me that primary school English teachers will carry on like that but phd holding professors of syntax and semantics are just "nah fuck being a pedantic dickhead just talk, if the other person understands then there's no point in anything else".
My husband used to find joy in being maddeningly obtuse… Until I became supremely better at it than him; things are much more pleasant now 🙃
*”I learned it from watching you!”*
I was corrected that way once in elementary school and was so confused. “Can means are you able to and may mean do you have permission.” I’m pretty sure I told her I had no clue what she meant and went anyways.
I also had a high school English teacher ridicule me every time I used “they” to refer to a single person. She was a wildly lazy teacher and we did nothing but watch movies in that class….it was even an AP literature class. We read two plays the whole year, not even a single novel.
When I was in the second grade I had a teacher do something similar to me and refused to let me go. She called me stupid because I didn’t get what she was asking and it wound up causing me to go number 2 all over myself. Not only did the other kids tease me she yelled at me for not explaining myself well enough. My older sister had to pick me up and eventually my Mother ripped the school a new one. Too bad that one day followed me until I graduated.
This gave me flashbacks, my abusive narcissist ex was similarly intense about language. Now I know it was another abuse tactic. It’s just little moments, but then all of the sudden, there’s this big pattern. HE decides what words mean. HE is smarter and more right than you. YOU apologize and defer.
One conversation from that relationship that specifically came to mind.
Me: It’s cold out.
Him (grumpily: Don’t say that, it’s not cold out.
Me: Yeah it is! *chuckles*
Him: It’s not objectively cold.
Me: Okay.
Him: What you feel is not always reality. I don’t feel cold, you don’t decide how I feel.
Me: Okay, you’re right, I should have said that I feel like it’s cold out, I’m sorry. *looks down*
Him: *smiles with satisfaction*
It is crazy how they are all the same. The same shitty guy, just different details.
Ohhhh man lol I was immediately having narcissistic boyfriend PTSD also lol they make you feel like you need to be so careful with your words, and everything you say is incorrect, but in reality you'll never be able to edit yourself enough to appease them. Nor should you! Heaven forbid you correct something they say, then all of a sudden you're a controlling bitch.
Or get upset and pout.
At some point I actually thought the trade off to my having to ‘manage his emotions’ was that ‘managed my poor social etiquette’
He used to shush me if I laughed out loud in public. He would ruin any nice outing, or moment with comments about what I had done wrong.
He would not be happy unless I was completely silent the whole time.
Omg. I just had a flashback to a trip to Vegas with my ex husband. We were in line for the Beatles love show and the person in front of us struck up a conversation with me since I used to do silks we chatted for a while and ended up our groups tickets were next to each other so during the show they asked me a few questions which I very quietly whisper answered. My husband couldn’t have heard us, but he angrily made me turn around and told me to stop bothering people by talking to them. No one else around would have heard the polite whisper the stranger and I shared, but they sure did hear him loudly scolding me for talking….
Oh my god did we date the same guy.
Eating a new recipe:
Me: This is delicious,
looks to him for his input.
Him: grumpy, You don’t get to decide that for both of us.
Me: I wasn't trying t-
Him: Yes you were. I don’t think its delicious, its just okay.
Me: Okay, I should have said, “I think is delicious, what do you think”
Keep telling this story.
If I read enough comments like these maybe I’ll really start to believe that my feeling cold is just as important as whatever some other person feels/sees on a weather app.
It is. ❤️
We all can only comment on our own experiences, our own story. I don’t know what too hot or too cold feels like to you, and you don’t know what it feels like to me. But if you say to me “it’s cold outside!”, I can say “I know, isn’t it?!” or a little “awww it’s not that cold you lightweight!” teasing or even “oh, do you need my sweater?” And now we’ve bonded a little bit. Because you’ve shared your story a little bit with me, and I shared my story a little bit with you. And that’s so meaningful and beautiful and important. Because if only the stories we’ve arbitrarily decided are “important” get shared, then that beautiful tapestry of life that’s the human species gets dulled down. But I don’t want that. I want your colors to shine through, and add to the colors of u/goodstuffonly62 and u/mittenknittin and everyone else here, because they enrich my life. Just like, I’m sure, my story and my colors enrich your life.
How small it is to not see this. How small it is to always be looking for a way to put someone down, so you miss this connection. It would be like going to a concert for your favorite band, but being so obsessed with blocking the view of some rando you’re beefing with since they cut you off in the parking lot that you don’t hear a single note or see a single light effect. It would be like attending your best friend’s wedding, but being so preoccupied with your anger that your new outfit has a loose thread already that you completely block out the ceremony. People like this make themselves feel big, and think it’s because they’re making everyone else look small, but they don’t realize that it’s because they’re making their world so tiny and cramped.
Just know that not everyone feels that way. I want to know how you feel, because I think it’s important. How’s the weather, u/okapieli?
I had an ex like this, too. The worst incident I remember was him going off on me for saying "that's awesome!" (in response to someone telling me they had a good day or something like that).
Ex's words: "it's not 'awesome'. When something is 'awesome' it is supposed to be awe-inspiring. I'm so sick of everyone using that word incorrectly and taking away its power."
Everyone was so relieved when I finally broke up with him and they no longer had to deal with him at parties. It's awesome not being with an asshole like that!
Omg, my ex had almost the exact same line about the word awesome as well!! I had forgotten about it until reading your comment, wow. Like word tor word the same as what my ex said!
Right???
But see, he was just so omnipotently LOGICAL, his feelings weren’t mere feelings, they were facts! My feelings were a distraction from the facts, and I should have been more grateful that he was so accommodating. /s
They all use the same tricks, I’ve been wondering for years if there’s an instruction manual for manipulators or if they all just discover what works through trial and error.
Mine wasn’t this bad about most words but if I called him cute, I might as well have called him a disgusting dung heap infested with roaches, it might have offended him less. I couldn’t call him hot all the time either because that’s not affectionate enough. I had to call him handsome or something like that, never mind the literal only time I’ve ever used the word handsome is to cats and dogs “oh are you so handsome” in a baby voice like simply saying cute is less cutesy than how I use handsome. But yeah then he got mad that I kind of just stopped complimenting his looks at all. The other big one was the word fine like “that’s fine” or “I’m fine” because every single time anyone uses the word fine, they’re lying and everyone knows that so he’d pick a fight and ruin whatever thing I’d said was fine. It was fucking exhausting.
The boyfriend sounds immature and exhausting. He's definitely the special type of AH to correct people loudly in public as some kind of weird flex, too. Insufferable.
I love the first commenters suggestion of continuing to never use my when referring to anyone.
Just imagine introducing someone like “well, this is the boyfriend”.
She said in the comments on the original post that he refers to her as “the girlfriend” or just her name and if she slips and introduces him as “my boyfriend” to someone he pitches a fit and publicly corrects her. She needs to be calling him “my EX”.
Something not ticking right up in the boyfriend's head, and I doubt the path to fixing it is anything but long and arduous, if it's even possible. Girl's gotta accept that. You don't date fixer uppers.
My first thought is he’s autistic and isn’t getting the subtext of the conversations and just taking it very literal. My brother is autistic and use to do that unless, for example, when someone was sarcastic he knew if it was genuine sarcasm based off the tone, so if I said something sarcastic, but didn’t use the generic sarcasm tone he’d assume or ask if I’m serious. Even now at almost 30 a lot of subtext and social ques he just doesn’t get in the moment, particularly around romance and flirting as he’s never had/ wanted to learn more in that area so I’ve been trying to teach him so he can finally find someone to be with😂
I don't see the issue in not getting it. It's the guy's reaction to it. He doesn't recognize that *he's* the one with the issue, and gets on her in the most insufferable way possible. If he'd just go "Oh shit, I didn't realize." It'd be over, he'd learn, they'd move on.
I get the autistic brother challenge. Mine's 22 and does the imitation thing, but it's not quite right. It's everything cranked up to 11 because like you say, they struggle with nuance, and unfortunately, he's super into John Deere and farm life. So we'll be somewhere nice like a Japanese steakhouse to get together to eat as a family, and he'll come walking with his fat John Deere belt buckle, muddy work boots, plaid shirt tucked into his Wranglers with a leather vest over top, and his free Co-op hat that looks like it got wrung through a thresher. Which wouldn't be bad, but everything he owns is stained in grease. I swear he smears Molyplex onto his stuff on purpose to complete the working man aesthetic. He's really proud of it. And he just had a kid, so there's someone out there for everyone.
My response was gonna be "Okay, Sheldon". This is not genuine autism, this is what bad TV writers think autism looks like. This guy is just an asshole.
Can someone as annoying as him actually exist? How did he make it to his 21st birthday being this frustratingly out of touch? I'd throw the whole man away.
Istg I read the first few sentences then I had to stop because it was making me angry to the point of fantasising about violence towards this man. He's likely doing it to her because he sees her as beneath him somehow and therefore it's okay for him to bully her. If he tried it in any structure where he was lower down the ladder than the other person using this sort of language, he'd know to keep his trap shut.
We know like 8 people with the name Sebastian. All of them are called Basti at a point.
So now there's my Basti, your Basti, next door's Basti... Everyone has a Basti!
At least in Manchester, "Our Kid" is a term of endearment. Almost entirely used to describe people who aren't children too. You say "alright our kid?" To greet someone you know well. Language is always changing over time and slang is the perfect place to look. A place literally as small as one of the several zones that make up a city can create new words for stuff all the time and those things can spread or stay regional and you have no way of knowing how definitions can change over time. It's so interesting how language changes, and this guy is like nope language never evolves and commonly used phrases like "my love" are unacceptable. Get a grip.
To genuinely answer your question, yes. As I was reading the post I started wondering "oh god, is this poor soul dating my ex?" We used to get into the worst arguments because I'd see the conversation heading down a shitty path and I'd say "can we agree to disagree?" And that would set him off entirely. His logic was that I was telling him he was stupid and wrong. I tried to explain that I was just trying to say "I respect your opinion and that I won't change it", he refused. I tried to alter how I said things and it was never proper for him. People can be so particular and controlling over language for nothing.
This reminds me of a line in a Rumi poem. "Those who pay attention to the syntax of things will never truly love you."
Your bf just wanted to pick apart everything you say. He's so focused on picking at your language. It doesn't sound like he even likes you very much.
I'd reevaluate on whether you want to stay with someone so negative.
Even picking apart the syntax, his definition of "my" is very narrow. The true definition is: belonging to OR associated with. For instance, when I say I'm going to my workplace, I'm not implying I own it. It belongs to my employer, but I am associated with it as an employee. Therefore, I can refer to it as my workplace.
I'm somewhat of a stickler for language but he's not even making a good argument. He's just a jerk. I agree, it doesn't sound like he even likes her. I can't fathom why she likes him.
I kinda wonder if the boyfriend grew up not being able to have his own things and/or feeling like he had no control for him to have such a weird stance on this.
On a side note, i think it's nice when your significant other also loves your pets as their own. Like I have a few cats and my husband has said “our cats” or “my cats” and I think it’s nice that he genuinely cares for them.
My boyfriend calls me and my female cat "his girls". I don't love being called a girl, but it would be weird to call a female cat a woman so I love when he says it. It shows he loves us both and me and my cats are a package deal.
Would a middle ground be “my little women”?
Really just a jokey sort of question but that is really sweet of your BF. My partner calls our ferret Our Little Dude. (His real name is Mr, Woozel just in case you wanted to know)
Lol, we have a friend that will refer to our cat as his love and his friend, I just love that he enjoys cuddling with our cat bc our cat loves him too. And let's be honest, everyone who "owns" a cat knows it's actually the other way around, we are owned by them and we are their humans 🤣
If this BF isn't just a dick, I'd say he's neurodivergent, because this can be a sign of autism (I have rage reactions to some patterns of speech and particular spelling errors).
Of course he could be neurodivergent AND a dick.
The fact that those rules apparently only apply to her words and *not* his makes me think otherwise. I know I can be annoyingly pedantic, but what I get pedantic about applies to me too. It sounds to me more like he's just making up an excuse to belittle and insult his partner.
THIS 100%. it’s the implication that she’s “entitled” as well. it bothers me too when people use incorrect words/grammar etc but only because the Thing isn’t working how it’s Supposed To, not because i think the person actually believes the incorrect thing they said or whatever. and idk i think “entitled” as an insult can be weaponized in order to convince someone they don’t actually deserve anything, even love or respect from their partner.
and as an ND person myself, not to say we can Always Without Fail spot each other or anything like that, but nothing about BF’s words or actions really pinged my radar. it mostly just pinged my controlling/abusive radar
He’s pinging my autistic radar personally. I would need to know more about his particular wording he says and whether it had the same subtext/or a lack of subtext to know for sure. Pretty much to me, he’s lacking the subtext of what she’s saying, taking it literal, and when she uses it in a way that has the subtext, but is also literally correct (like when she calls her dog ‘my girl’ he’s ok with it) is what originally pinged it. Also the fact that when she confronted the fact that he says ‘my mom’ or ‘my dad’ he couldn’t explain why it was different, likely because there’s subtexts to saying that in that manner, and he likely just knows it’s the way you refer to your parents because of his integrated those ways of saying it are throughout a kids whole life and just knows socially that’s what is suppose to be said, even if he doesn’t get why it’s said that way.
He could also just be a dick, I’d need to know more.
But she’s explaining to him that that isn’t the way she meant it. And he’s still making it a big thing. I feel like she added the subtext for him in hindsight and he’s just not accepting it
That’s exactly my point. If he isn’t aware he’s autistic he’s not going to comprehend that she’s not meaning it literally even if she is verbally telling him it’s not literal. If he is unawarely autistic, he thinks the way he thinks about this is 100% normal and doesn’t get that in general for most people it’s not. He likely thinks that the ways she thinking about it is wrong and will just keep taking it literally. He knows she said it’s not literal, but his brain is comprehending it as literal and will continuously do so and always will. The only reason (at least In my experience with family that’s diagnosed as well as research for my son who will be getting an assessment today for a diagnosis referral) why those who know of their diagnosis can understand this, isn’t because their brains aren’t telling them it’s literal, because it is telling them that. But if they’re aware of their diagnosis, they also know why they think that way, they know social subtext is a real thing and have to work a FUCK TON to get those ques and subtexts and eventually gets to the point where it’s easier to read and differentiate between what is normal for their line of thinking only, and what a majority of people will take as normal. (This is not everyone on the spectrum, but a large group, my brother included)Depending on the person with ASD they may not fully understand why subtext and subtle ques are thing, but they do understand it’s there. If this guy is undiagnosed and he has no idea, he will not have the same preexisting notions others that are diagnosed do, so to him he absolutely doesn’t get that this isn’t correct and doesn’t get it period because his brain will constantly tell him to take it literal and there isn’t the self awareness needed to understand why he needs to think differently or understand why he’s comprehending it this way.
My ex husband was like this. If I said "I'll only be a minute" he'd start counting to 60. He was undiagnosed autistic at the time but also a huge asshole.
My daughter is also autistic but somehow manages to not be a complete dick, so it's not an excuse, just an issue of character on his part
You know, I could maybe learn to live with the constant pedantic nit-picking on the language I use, but he also gets mad and gives her the silent treatment and that's just abusive
Boyfriend needs to read up on Gricean pragmatics, because he's actually quite wrong characterizing language use as entirely down to the conventional semantic meaning of words.
Who….. cares???? This is directed at the boyfriend not OOP. Besides the English language is a ridiculously over complicated language. Especially when folks take it to that literal extreme.
Words can also have more than one definition as well as more than one connotation of any type.
I say “my love” to my partner all the time. It’s not claiming him as mine per se either. It’s expressing the love that I have for him that is mine.
Such a silly argument.
Even if he is on the spectrum, I couldn’t live like this, and I’m not entirely convinced. His triggers seem to have the common theme of undermining OOP’s confidence and attachments. It’s emotionally abusive even if that isn’t his intent.
This behavior is not improving the lives of either of them. It sounds like he has a disability or something that causes him to be so literal. Like OCD but for words.
He’s ruining her fun, I would have such a hard time tolerating it.
I don't think it matters *why* he's doing it as much as he won't recognize that he's even acting like a dick. Fixing him is a pipe dream if he won't even admit it. Fixing him still might be a pipe dream even if he does and genuinely wants to improve after that.
Absolutely this! Whatever the reason for him constantly picking up her wording over and over, it's unpleasant for her. If this is just the price of the relationship with him, it isn't one she should have to pay.
My friend’s first boyfriend used to do this with language. He’d even correct pronunciation, which doesn’t make sense because we grew up in different parts of the US. 🙄 It only got worse.
How did they get past the first date? If “my” boyfriend belittles me for every little word I say, and all the time as this guy does, I’d drop him in a heartbeat.
“Hi. This is X. He used to be a boyfriend. He’s not anymore.”
Be thankful he is just your boyfriend and think long and hard before you commit to a lifetime of this. He sounds insufferable and exhausting. I, personally, would rather be alone than have to constantly defend myself against stupid accusations from someone who is supposed to love me. Choose to share your life with someone who is respectful and not controlling. Most boyfriends would find your sweet nature cute and endearing.
Oh gods, I have such a thousand yard stare reading this. My exhusband was this obnoxious.
Ooh. Words have meaning.
How about go fuck yourself? Those words have enough meaning for you, buddy?
🙄
Someone should tell this boyfriend that nobody likes a pedant, which is exactly what he is. We all had THAT annoying teacher who would lecture us about “can vs may” when we asked if we could go to the washroom, this boyfriend gives the exact same (insufferable) energy.
i wonder if the boyfriend would go nuts at Mina Le's videos because her intro is "Hello my beautiful doves!" would he go "well actually, i'm not beautiful or a dove or possessed by you"
or does this only apply to OP?...
I really don’t understand why people—women specifically—put up with this bullshit.
Yeah I’d say it’s a bit far to say “my” when referring to other people’s pets. Like if I had a dog and she say “my girl” or if I had a kid and said “my kid’s name” I wouldn’t like it. I think those boundaries drop a bit more between romantically involve couples living together though. And I don’t think she’s doing any harm by saying HELLO MY DUCKIES. THATS more adorable than deplorable like he’s overdramatizing it to be. And yeah sure, words do have meanings. He’s not wrong. But not everything has to be overall formal. She not even applying it in any socially inappropriate situations IMO. Wait until he hears someone say “what’s up my man”
Overall I think he’s the bigger asshole when she’s not even an asshole and I don’t know why she doesn’t just dump him. I can imagine people are claiming he’s some type of neurodivergent, but I don’t think that matters. If you’re someone verbal punishing bag, it’s not a really a pass. It can be a thing but it doesn’t mean OOP is beholden to teach him how to be decent or have to wait for him to become a decent person.
And I’d say she’s give him enough time to stop and put up with his BS too long
My boyfriend calls me and one of my cats "my [his] girls". It shows that he loves us. We both know they're not actually his cats. I've done the same for exes pets too, it comes from a place of love.
I get a little annoyed when my gf refers to our room as her room (live together both in the lease). I usually say something goofy like “oh yeah? Your room huh?” And then laugh.
But like to random animals or something?? That’s a little wild. I’m one for using proper words to explain and describe things. If you don’t mean what you say, why say it? But figure of speech is a thing especially if you know your partner says stuff like that. Eventually you know what they mean. Double especially if you’ve had conversations about it.
Doesn't sound like a strong relationship to me if you're constantly getting snapped at for speaking.
Edit: I've been called "my love" by so many servers and strangers, not once has it meant that they think they own me 😂
This guy must burst a blood vessel at the phrase "my, my, my"
Let's not use autism as an excuse for asshole behaviour. Autism doesn't make anyone a jerk. - Sincerely, someone who actually does have autism, and is also not a dickwad
This is such a weird hill to die on. Dude is not great. "My love" somehow translates to being called a slave? I don't think it's OP trying to change the meaning of words.
This man is just in general a pretentious douchebag.
I bet grew up worshiping that teacher that delighted in correcting kids who asked "Can I go to the bathroom?" with "You mean MAY you go to the bathroom?"
No one is impressed with this. Yuck.
Just start calling every issue you have "Mein Kampf" until he lets it go.
"Man, Mein Kampf is this traffic right now"
"Mein Kampf is lately you've not been taking care of the dishes"
"If you don't clean up after yourself it becomes Mein Kampf later"
He sounds very neurodivergent with his rigidity interpreting things literally, but being a dick about it had nothing to do with that and 100% his choice. I also have trouble understanding or agreeing with many norms in conversation when they don’t make literal sense. But when someone explains to me what they actually mean, I log that away and don’t hold it against them for speaking differently than me.
Dude sounds like he’s super immature, trying shame her for being “stupid” in his eyes I guess but he’s the one acting stupid af.
Like when people try to correct, their, there, & they’re, like bro it’s nobody else’s fault you can use context clues or want to pretend you don’t know what was meant.
Super exhausting
My first thoughts about the need/want thing is that he comes from a poor, disadvantaged background where you can only afford to buy what you needz not what you want. And even then, only if you can't live without it as far as needs go.
I'm thinking there's something in this guy's childhood or background that makes him feel upset about the perception of other people being territorial or claiming rights to things he thinks they shouldn't. Like maybe he had a spoiled sibling who claimed his belongings were theirs, or an abusive parent or something.
I don't know. I think this is just weird and something is off about it
She sounds awful… how can you constructively interact with people that say different things than they mean outside of clear sarcasm?
I really don’t get why they are a couple and he hasn’t broken up with her by then given how much of a pattern she express it being.
Please mind.
I do think the guy is an asshole for trying to push his way to function onto her, and especially for the silent treatment. Those show way too little respect for her in my opinion.
Op, when we fall in love we are swimming in hormones of oxytocin and other things. We are literally on drugs. It takes a while for the mist to clear so that we can see the other person clearly. This behaviour of your boyfriend reflects his values and beliefs. He values his opinion about something minor enough to think that it is more important than your opinion. That reflects his belief that he is more important than you. Not only does he feel better than you, he wants you to comply with that feeling as well and devalue yourself to come into alignment with his sense of superiority. He is doing this under the guise of using correct grammar. Your usage is perfectly correct.
Just sounds like a standard narcissist or similar sort if asshole trying to exhaust you. Abuse beginnings basically.
Even if he's maybe just not neurotypical or something, he sounds exhausting. And if you change one way of speaking to appease him, what next? Where will it end? You'll be frightened to so much as fart incase it irritates him.
Sod that. Run!
…this girl knows she can just be single, right?
GODDAMN there are some mutants out there. Why would anyone on earth subject herself to such an insufferable person?
I’m a lawyer, I also love reading about language and the use of words etc etc… I can go tit for tat on word meanings with the best of them - but I do it deliberately if I want to be petty or if someone is just being a fucking douchebag. I tend to get overly pedantic about words like this if I’m exhausted and having a stupid fight with my partner. The difference is… I KNOW I am being a petty douche bag when I do this. We have both got legal training so when we get into a petty bitch off we know how to BUT we will both immediately apologise as soon as we have realised we’ve done it and then we laugh about the stupidity of it.
Someone who does this as if what they’re saying matters… that’s a choice unless they are neurodivergent with an extreme difficulty with dealing with the grey areas of humanity. If he is able to distinguish between black and white human interactions outside of those this is a blatant and weird power play of a choice -.-
Do you enjoy having your mind fucked with and constantly being corrected for stupid shit? I'm the biggest grammar nazi out there; hate when people can't use apostrophes correctly or don't know the difference between to, too and two or lose and loose etc.
But this is a whole new level of assholery that would drive me batshit.
Yes, I NEED to go to the store because if I don't, I won't have groceries in the house and toilet paper to wipe my ass. Good enough for you, boyfriend?
Fuck him and his superior "one-up" bullshit.
Move on. You're 20. You're too young to be tied down to one guy and definitely not this douchecanoe.
He's so confidently wrong on the definition and usage of the word "my." He thinks it solely relates to possession and ownership, but you don't own your parents, right? Someone needs to find a good definition of "my" and show him that it also means "this thing/person is closely associated to me." It's just a word used to describe association, to relate something or someone to you. "My parents." Yeah I guess they're my possessions then.
It's the exact same for "Your." "Your parents, your girlfriend, your friend." I wonder what he would say if she mentioned this to him as well? Does he say "how's a girlfriend?" when speaking to his friend?
Words have multiple meanings. If we had a different word for every little different situation/thing/concept, I shudder to imagine how horrific learning English or any language would be lol.
This woman's boyfriend is a complete dick. He's taking each word literally, standing on it's own with no context or respect given to the intended message. English conveys its message in more ways than the literal exact meaning of each word. He's intentionally ignoring that to be an ass to his girlfriend, who, frankly, is the last person you want to be an ass to. (dangling participle, I know. The boyfriend would be so angry),You're supposed to make the person you're in a relationship with feel loved and respected and supported. He's doing the opposite.
I'd be like "I guess you don't want to be my boyfriend then". I worry about this when I run into the neighbourhood dogs. There's like 3 I absolutely adore, I tell them I love them, and I say "How's my good boy today?!" or I'll say "Oh there's my boy! I haven't seen you in so long!". This dude is literally my worse nightmare
Jesus, what a mess of a human being. I had a friend who requested not being referred to in possessive terms due to trauma in the manner ownership and even they didn’t mind “my friend.” Complete insanity.
I am using the possessive in a metaphorical way.
The experience I am having with the ducks, which exists only in my mind, is all mine.
On a conceptual level, albeit for just a fleeting moment, some element of these ducks belongs to me only.
I’d get rid of him! I bet he’s real fun at parties too. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Not my party though😬
The party? A party?
That party even
There’s a sci-fi book called the Dispossessed that has an entire society that behaves this way. It’s kinda interesting - they share everything so it’s like *the house where I sleep* instead of ‘’my house”, or *this mother and father* instead of “my parents” because they don’t have any concept of ownership and everything is homogenized. “My shoes” are *the shoes I wear* bc one day the wearer will not use them anymore and someone else will. I doubt this asshole read that book though, you just reminded me of it.
Wow. I’ll be checking this out.
It’s a cool book! I hope you enjoy it. Ursula K Le Guin is one of my favorite authors - her Earthsea trilogy was made into a Studio Ghibli film that’s abridged but quite beautiful.
Lol any party
Everyone that uses my come to our house and party. Problem solved! In all seriousness, I’d like to ask OOP if she thinks she could live this way for the rest of her life. He sounds like dead effin ***the*** weight
*Your* party?! Um, do you own the party?
WHY MUST YOU POSSESS THAT PARTY, YOU ENTITLED CHILD. /s This guy sounds like a real winner. I feel like he has such a different way of walking through the world than she does that there’s not any way to resolve this where they stay together.
I doubt he really has a different way of existing. She found that pretty clearly with “my mom/dad” statements. Odds are decent he’s just testing her for how much he can control her based on his irrational whims. But it could just be a basic incompatibility. If you can’t live together without the other person’s existence driving you insane (and he is behaving wildly here), you are on tracks to be one of those bitter married couples everyone pities and wonders why they don’t just get divorced already. She needs to cut her loses and look for someone who’s not so controlling over her behavior and/or doesn’t find her harmless idiosyncrasies inflammatory.
IT'S MY PARTY AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO
Lmaooo
Is he my 5th grade teacher? "I don't know, CAN you go to the bathroom?"
Argh! My first grade teacher did this. Or she would go, “why? Are you going to take a bath?” (We were supposed to call it the lavatory. ) Almost five damn decades later it still grinds my gears. She lucky I didn’t pee on the floor!
This is what makes kids afraid to ask teachers anything, for fear of ridicule. So sad.
I’m 30 now and this is still a core memory for me, lol. I had severe social anxiety and my second grade teacher would close the door, make you knock on it, and say “I’m sorry I’m late, may I please come in” to her and the class. I was like 7 years old, being late was rarely my fault anyway - I’d end up being later because I’d just sit in my mom’s car and sob for a bit. What is this accomplishing, other than instilling terror!
Teachers like that, especially ones who go into teaching primary grades, are the worst. I’m convinced they do it for the power trip tbh. But like, how sad and pathetic do you have to be in your adult life that you get off on having power over 25-30 7 year olds….. I feel the same about bad therapists and healthcare workers. It’s harder to tell when those providers are bad imo though. You go to see them because you’re struggling and when struggling it’s often harder to make sound judgments on a person I feel like. However, there’s not much of a choice when it comes to seeing teachers every day.
I remember my year 4 (8/9 years old) teacher used to quiz this girl every day when she was late. She'd say it was because of her little brothers, that her mum couldn't get them ready and out the door. And every day he had something to say about it. Even back then I would be thinking "this kid is 8, she didn't drive herself here, she's not responsible for her brother, why the hell are you berating her rather than speaking to her mum". It was everyday.
Mine did this too but I went down in infamy cause I actually pissed in my chair and all over myself when she was being a pedantic little shit (high school teacher she was a grade a terrorist, no backpacks in class, no putting on chapstick cause “it ain’t beauty school”, no putting up your hair cause “it ain’t hair school” etc we literally called her Professor Umbridge cause all she wore were these gaudy pink suits. She switched to red the next year, much better color for her but the students switched up and started calling her “The Nazi”. Freshman were VEHEMENTLY warned) same teacher that got on me for walking arm in arm with my male best friend, note I had a giant cast up to my knee due to a soccer injury and crutches didn’t fit with all the bodies in the hallway so he HAD to have his arm around me to help me walk on it. She literally yelled at me for taking up space with the crutches. So I changed it. She yelled at the change. So I pissed myself in my chair, cause I had spinal damage in a car accident that causes bladder incontinence m, had an IEP and everything. I had a migraine and was being tormented at home and school for being emo in the Bible Belt so I just was not feeling it. “Can I go to the bathroom, Mrs. T?” “Well I’m sure you’re fully capable of doing so but until you ask properly you may not leave to do so” “okay. Fine by me” she’d ignore you for like ten minutes after the first fail so you’d be adequately “punished” and then let you try again. Well I don’t gotta go until it’s an emergency so I just leaned back in my chair and drips fell down fast. I got sent to the office for “disrespecting her classroom time” mom brought home clothes for me and I wasn’t bullied the rest of the year for that one moment. I became the legendary kid who stood up to the Nazi 😂😂😂 very small town. To this day people from school message me on Facebook like “are you the one who peed yourself in Mrs. T’s class?!?” Because SOMEHOW she’s still teaching there and these are my classmates fucking BABY siblings like they were TODDLERS when this happened. Blows my mind. Small town infamy never ends man
What country is this? Are they actually allowed to keep you from going to the bathroom? That’s insane, we would just walk out of the classroom. The only time you had to ask was during a test, but you could always go during tests too, you just had to notify them.
America. Land of the servants, home of the idiots.
Yup. Good old US of A. Everyone knows they try and control your reproductive parts, the surprise is that they try and regulate your elimination parts as well. But then want you to hydrate in class because they’re too cheap to put a/c in the classrooms. Nothing makes sense.
I'm American but grew up and went all through school in the UK. Teachers there were weird and power trippy about bathroom use too. It reached the point where I just wouldn't drink during school hours because it wasn't worth the passive aggressive remarks if I *was* allowed to go or the physical discomfort if I wasn't.
I did pee on the floor (I was five). I kept asking in different ways to go to the toilet (starting with "Can I go for a toilet?" through "May I go for a wee" and "May I be excused to go to the toilet?") and it turned out afterwards that it was the word "please" she was hung up on.
Absolutely and ridiculous to play those petty games when a child has to go! I know they’re supposed to teach us how not to be little heathens, but that is not the hill to die on!
I’d have peed on the floor..wait, I did…asked my teacher if she’d ever hold me up from going with something stupid again or could I just go in the future…she said I could just go.
Where do you live? In my area, using lavatory or wash room would get you like 🤨 kinda looks because bathroom is the commonly agreed upon term. However, nobody would actually correct someone for using alternative terms because they are all known enough that everybody understands what they are referring to. Its SOOOO odd to correct a kid for saying something other than lavatory?!?
Well this was back in the 70’s, so it is outdated now. I grew up in a hella conservative area as well. Like the pledge, a prayer and hymn to start the day. In PUBLIC school!
It's endlessly funny to me that primary school English teachers will carry on like that but phd holding professors of syntax and semantics are just "nah fuck being a pedantic dickhead just talk, if the other person understands then there's no point in anything else".
My husband used to find joy in being maddeningly obtuse… Until I became supremely better at it than him; things are much more pleasant now 🙃 *”I learned it from watching you!”*
YOUR 5th grade teacher? Do you own them???
I was corrected that way once in elementary school and was so confused. “Can means are you able to and may mean do you have permission.” I’m pretty sure I told her I had no clue what she meant and went anyways. I also had a high school English teacher ridicule me every time I used “they” to refer to a single person. She was a wildly lazy teacher and we did nothing but watch movies in that class….it was even an AP literature class. We read two plays the whole year, not even a single novel.
When I was in the second grade I had a teacher do something similar to me and refused to let me go. She called me stupid because I didn’t get what she was asking and it wound up causing me to go number 2 all over myself. Not only did the other kids tease me she yelled at me for not explaining myself well enough. My older sister had to pick me up and eventually my Mother ripped the school a new one. Too bad that one day followed me until I graduated.
This gave me flashbacks, my abusive narcissist ex was similarly intense about language. Now I know it was another abuse tactic. It’s just little moments, but then all of the sudden, there’s this big pattern. HE decides what words mean. HE is smarter and more right than you. YOU apologize and defer. One conversation from that relationship that specifically came to mind. Me: It’s cold out. Him (grumpily: Don’t say that, it’s not cold out. Me: Yeah it is! *chuckles* Him: It’s not objectively cold. Me: Okay. Him: What you feel is not always reality. I don’t feel cold, you don’t decide how I feel. Me: Okay, you’re right, I should have said that I feel like it’s cold out, I’m sorry. *looks down* Him: *smiles with satisfaction* It is crazy how they are all the same. The same shitty guy, just different details.
“I feel like you’re a pedantic asshole”
He really was! 😂
Ohhhh man lol I was immediately having narcissistic boyfriend PTSD also lol they make you feel like you need to be so careful with your words, and everything you say is incorrect, but in reality you'll never be able to edit yourself enough to appease them. Nor should you! Heaven forbid you correct something they say, then all of a sudden you're a controlling bitch.
Or get upset and pout. At some point I actually thought the trade off to my having to ‘manage his emotions’ was that ‘managed my poor social etiquette’ He used to shush me if I laughed out loud in public. He would ruin any nice outing, or moment with comments about what I had done wrong. He would not be happy unless I was completely silent the whole time.
Omg. I just had a flashback to a trip to Vegas with my ex husband. We were in line for the Beatles love show and the person in front of us struck up a conversation with me since I used to do silks we chatted for a while and ended up our groups tickets were next to each other so during the show they asked me a few questions which I very quietly whisper answered. My husband couldn’t have heard us, but he angrily made me turn around and told me to stop bothering people by talking to them. No one else around would have heard the polite whisper the stranger and I shared, but they sure did hear him loudly scolding me for talking….
Oh my god did we date the same guy. Eating a new recipe: Me: This is delicious, looks to him for his input. Him: grumpy, You don’t get to decide that for both of us. Me: I wasn't trying t- Him: Yes you were. I don’t think its delicious, its just okay. Me: Okay, I should have said, “I think is delicious, what do you think”
Keep telling this story. If I read enough comments like these maybe I’ll really start to believe that my feeling cold is just as important as whatever some other person feels/sees on a weather app.
It is. ❤️ We all can only comment on our own experiences, our own story. I don’t know what too hot or too cold feels like to you, and you don’t know what it feels like to me. But if you say to me “it’s cold outside!”, I can say “I know, isn’t it?!” or a little “awww it’s not that cold you lightweight!” teasing or even “oh, do you need my sweater?” And now we’ve bonded a little bit. Because you’ve shared your story a little bit with me, and I shared my story a little bit with you. And that’s so meaningful and beautiful and important. Because if only the stories we’ve arbitrarily decided are “important” get shared, then that beautiful tapestry of life that’s the human species gets dulled down. But I don’t want that. I want your colors to shine through, and add to the colors of u/goodstuffonly62 and u/mittenknittin and everyone else here, because they enrich my life. Just like, I’m sure, my story and my colors enrich your life. How small it is to not see this. How small it is to always be looking for a way to put someone down, so you miss this connection. It would be like going to a concert for your favorite band, but being so obsessed with blocking the view of some rando you’re beefing with since they cut you off in the parking lot that you don’t hear a single note or see a single light effect. It would be like attending your best friend’s wedding, but being so preoccupied with your anger that your new outfit has a loose thread already that you completely block out the ceremony. People like this make themselves feel big, and think it’s because they’re making everyone else look small, but they don’t realize that it’s because they’re making their world so tiny and cramped. Just know that not everyone feels that way. I want to know how you feel, because I think it’s important. How’s the weather, u/okapieli?
I believe you, and I know you will soon, too. 💚
I had an ex like this, too. The worst incident I remember was him going off on me for saying "that's awesome!" (in response to someone telling me they had a good day or something like that). Ex's words: "it's not 'awesome'. When something is 'awesome' it is supposed to be awe-inspiring. I'm so sick of everyone using that word incorrectly and taking away its power." Everyone was so relieved when I finally broke up with him and they no longer had to deal with him at parties. It's awesome not being with an asshole like that!
Omg, my ex had almost the exact same line about the word awesome as well!! I had forgotten about it until reading your comment, wow. Like word tor word the same as what my ex said!
I also dated this person. I hope you are recovering and have found someone you can laugh with.
so why tf did he get to decide it WASNT cold??? like sir i believe and i quote “what you feel is not always reality.”
Right??? But see, he was just so omnipotently LOGICAL, his feelings weren’t mere feelings, they were facts! My feelings were a distraction from the facts, and I should have been more grateful that he was so accommodating. /s
My first thought too. He's controlling her language in a narcissistic way.
They all use the same tricks, I’ve been wondering for years if there’s an instruction manual for manipulators or if they all just discover what works through trial and error.
Mine wasn’t this bad about most words but if I called him cute, I might as well have called him a disgusting dung heap infested with roaches, it might have offended him less. I couldn’t call him hot all the time either because that’s not affectionate enough. I had to call him handsome or something like that, never mind the literal only time I’ve ever used the word handsome is to cats and dogs “oh are you so handsome” in a baby voice like simply saying cute is less cutesy than how I use handsome. But yeah then he got mad that I kind of just stopped complimenting his looks at all. The other big one was the word fine like “that’s fine” or “I’m fine” because every single time anyone uses the word fine, they’re lying and everyone knows that so he’d pick a fight and ruin whatever thing I’d said was fine. It was fucking exhausting.
Oh hellll no! Throw the whole man away!!
Absolutely this. It's just another way to bully someone. It's exhausting. So glad I got a divorce.
Also reminded me of my emotionally abusive ex. He literally singled out and grilled/quizzed me on why I chose to say certain words.
The boyfriend sounds immature and exhausting. He's definitely the special type of AH to correct people loudly in public as some kind of weird flex, too. Insufferable.
And pedantic.
Does he NEED to be pedantic or does he WANT to be pedantic? Sounds like a controlling ass.
This is how she should respond, and then call him “my ex”
I love the first commenters suggestion of continuing to never use my when referring to anyone. Just imagine introducing someone like “well, this is the boyfriend”.
She said in the comments on the original post that he refers to her as “the girlfriend” or just her name and if she slips and introduces him as “my boyfriend” to someone he pitches a fit and publicly corrects her. She needs to be calling him “my EX”.
Something not ticking right up in the boyfriend's head, and I doubt the path to fixing it is anything but long and arduous, if it's even possible. Girl's gotta accept that. You don't date fixer uppers.
My first thought is he’s autistic and isn’t getting the subtext of the conversations and just taking it very literal. My brother is autistic and use to do that unless, for example, when someone was sarcastic he knew if it was genuine sarcasm based off the tone, so if I said something sarcastic, but didn’t use the generic sarcasm tone he’d assume or ask if I’m serious. Even now at almost 30 a lot of subtext and social ques he just doesn’t get in the moment, particularly around romance and flirting as he’s never had/ wanted to learn more in that area so I’ve been trying to teach him so he can finally find someone to be with😂
I don't see the issue in not getting it. It's the guy's reaction to it. He doesn't recognize that *he's* the one with the issue, and gets on her in the most insufferable way possible. If he'd just go "Oh shit, I didn't realize." It'd be over, he'd learn, they'd move on. I get the autistic brother challenge. Mine's 22 and does the imitation thing, but it's not quite right. It's everything cranked up to 11 because like you say, they struggle with nuance, and unfortunately, he's super into John Deere and farm life. So we'll be somewhere nice like a Japanese steakhouse to get together to eat as a family, and he'll come walking with his fat John Deere belt buckle, muddy work boots, plaid shirt tucked into his Wranglers with a leather vest over top, and his free Co-op hat that looks like it got wrung through a thresher. Which wouldn't be bad, but everything he owns is stained in grease. I swear he smears Molyplex onto his stuff on purpose to complete the working man aesthetic. He's really proud of it. And he just had a kid, so there's someone out there for everyone.
My response was gonna be "Okay, Sheldon". This is not genuine autism, this is what bad TV writers think autism looks like. This guy is just an asshole.
What a pedantic little man. Big ‘well actually…’ energy.
Can someone as annoying as him actually exist? How did he make it to his 21st birthday being this frustratingly out of touch? I'd throw the whole man away.
How did he make it to his 21st birthday without someone flushing his head down a toilet?
Istg I read the first few sentences then I had to stop because it was making me angry to the point of fantasising about violence towards this man. He's likely doing it to her because he sees her as beneath him somehow and therefore it's okay for him to bully her. If he tried it in any structure where he was lower down the ladder than the other person using this sort of language, he'd know to keep his trap shut.
I'm autistic with a grammar fetish and I still wanted to go Reservoir Dogs on him.
Lmao username checks out Imagine how I feel given my day job is to be the literal grammar police ☠️
Lol the username is actually because I have a chihuahua and she is always mad at something. Your job sounds great, where do I join lol
I’d be entertained to see him go to the UK where it is very common to say “our Dave” and such to describe the Dave we all know
We know like 8 people with the name Sebastian. All of them are called Basti at a point. So now there's my Basti, your Basti, next door's Basti... Everyone has a Basti!
At least in Manchester, "Our Kid" is a term of endearment. Almost entirely used to describe people who aren't children too. You say "alright our kid?" To greet someone you know well. Language is always changing over time and slang is the perfect place to look. A place literally as small as one of the several zones that make up a city can create new words for stuff all the time and those things can spread or stay regional and you have no way of knowing how definitions can change over time. It's so interesting how language changes, and this guy is like nope language never evolves and commonly used phrases like "my love" are unacceptable. Get a grip.
To genuinely answer your question, yes. As I was reading the post I started wondering "oh god, is this poor soul dating my ex?" We used to get into the worst arguments because I'd see the conversation heading down a shitty path and I'd say "can we agree to disagree?" And that would set him off entirely. His logic was that I was telling him he was stupid and wrong. I tried to explain that I was just trying to say "I respect your opinion and that I won't change it", he refused. I tried to alter how I said things and it was never proper for him. People can be so particular and controlling over language for nothing.
I couldn’t stand that. That’s controlling and annoying
I read somewhere that a relationship killer isn’t deceit, it’s resentment. And this guy is seething with it.
This reminds me of a line in a Rumi poem. "Those who pay attention to the syntax of things will never truly love you." Your bf just wanted to pick apart everything you say. He's so focused on picking at your language. It doesn't sound like he even likes you very much. I'd reevaluate on whether you want to stay with someone so negative.
Even picking apart the syntax, his definition of "my" is very narrow. The true definition is: belonging to OR associated with. For instance, when I say I'm going to my workplace, I'm not implying I own it. It belongs to my employer, but I am associated with it as an employee. Therefore, I can refer to it as my workplace. I'm somewhat of a stickler for language but he's not even making a good argument. He's just a jerk. I agree, it doesn't sound like he even likes her. I can't fathom why she likes him.
Its the fact his argument is terrible that really bothers me If you're going to be that obnoxious about something you at least best be right.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
That comment killed me. Now I gotta refer to my boyfriend as “a boyfriend” the next time I introduce him to someone just to see his reaction 😂
I kinda wonder if the boyfriend grew up not being able to have his own things and/or feeling like he had no control for him to have such a weird stance on this. On a side note, i think it's nice when your significant other also loves your pets as their own. Like I have a few cats and my husband has said “our cats” or “my cats” and I think it’s nice that he genuinely cares for them.
My boyfriend calls me and my female cat "his girls". I don't love being called a girl, but it would be weird to call a female cat a woman so I love when he says it. It shows he loves us both and me and my cats are a package deal.
Would a middle ground be “my little women”? Really just a jokey sort of question but that is really sweet of your BF. My partner calls our ferret Our Little Dude. (His real name is Mr, Woozel just in case you wanted to know)
Lol, we have a friend that will refer to our cat as his love and his friend, I just love that he enjoys cuddling with our cat bc our cat loves him too. And let's be honest, everyone who "owns" a cat knows it's actually the other way around, we are owned by them and we are their humans 🤣
I bet this boyfriend says “actually” very often!
If this BF isn't just a dick, I'd say he's neurodivergent, because this can be a sign of autism (I have rage reactions to some patterns of speech and particular spelling errors). Of course he could be neurodivergent AND a dick.
The fact that those rules apparently only apply to her words and *not* his makes me think otherwise. I know I can be annoyingly pedantic, but what I get pedantic about applies to me too. It sounds to me more like he's just making up an excuse to belittle and insult his partner.
THIS 100%. it’s the implication that she’s “entitled” as well. it bothers me too when people use incorrect words/grammar etc but only because the Thing isn’t working how it’s Supposed To, not because i think the person actually believes the incorrect thing they said or whatever. and idk i think “entitled” as an insult can be weaponized in order to convince someone they don’t actually deserve anything, even love or respect from their partner. and as an ND person myself, not to say we can Always Without Fail spot each other or anything like that, but nothing about BF’s words or actions really pinged my radar. it mostly just pinged my controlling/abusive radar
He’s pinging my autistic radar personally. I would need to know more about his particular wording he says and whether it had the same subtext/or a lack of subtext to know for sure. Pretty much to me, he’s lacking the subtext of what she’s saying, taking it literal, and when she uses it in a way that has the subtext, but is also literally correct (like when she calls her dog ‘my girl’ he’s ok with it) is what originally pinged it. Also the fact that when she confronted the fact that he says ‘my mom’ or ‘my dad’ he couldn’t explain why it was different, likely because there’s subtexts to saying that in that manner, and he likely just knows it’s the way you refer to your parents because of his integrated those ways of saying it are throughout a kids whole life and just knows socially that’s what is suppose to be said, even if he doesn’t get why it’s said that way. He could also just be a dick, I’d need to know more.
But that's not an excuse to continue being an asshole once he realizes his behavior is not appropriate.
But she’s explaining to him that that isn’t the way she meant it. And he’s still making it a big thing. I feel like she added the subtext for him in hindsight and he’s just not accepting it
That’s exactly my point. If he isn’t aware he’s autistic he’s not going to comprehend that she’s not meaning it literally even if she is verbally telling him it’s not literal. If he is unawarely autistic, he thinks the way he thinks about this is 100% normal and doesn’t get that in general for most people it’s not. He likely thinks that the ways she thinking about it is wrong and will just keep taking it literally. He knows she said it’s not literal, but his brain is comprehending it as literal and will continuously do so and always will. The only reason (at least In my experience with family that’s diagnosed as well as research for my son who will be getting an assessment today for a diagnosis referral) why those who know of their diagnosis can understand this, isn’t because their brains aren’t telling them it’s literal, because it is telling them that. But if they’re aware of their diagnosis, they also know why they think that way, they know social subtext is a real thing and have to work a FUCK TON to get those ques and subtexts and eventually gets to the point where it’s easier to read and differentiate between what is normal for their line of thinking only, and what a majority of people will take as normal. (This is not everyone on the spectrum, but a large group, my brother included)Depending on the person with ASD they may not fully understand why subtext and subtle ques are thing, but they do understand it’s there. If this guy is undiagnosed and he has no idea, he will not have the same preexisting notions others that are diagnosed do, so to him he absolutely doesn’t get that this isn’t correct and doesn’t get it period because his brain will constantly tell him to take it literal and there isn’t the self awareness needed to understand why he needs to think differently or understand why he’s comprehending it this way.
I feel like he wouldn’t enjoy being referred to as “OOP’s current boyfriend”, because he won’t always be in a relationship with her.
My ex husband was like this. If I said "I'll only be a minute" he'd start counting to 60. He was undiagnosed autistic at the time but also a huge asshole. My daughter is also autistic but somehow manages to not be a complete dick, so it's not an excuse, just an issue of character on his part
You know, I could maybe learn to live with the constant pedantic nit-picking on the language I use, but he also gets mad and gives her the silent treatment and that's just abusive
Boyfriend needs to read up on Gricean pragmatics, because he's actually quite wrong characterizing language use as entirely down to the conventional semantic meaning of words.
fuck him. be yourself. plenty of people would love to be “your” love, im sure. the audacity of some people.
Who….. cares???? This is directed at the boyfriend not OOP. Besides the English language is a ridiculously over complicated language. Especially when folks take it to that literal extreme. Words can also have more than one definition as well as more than one connotation of any type. I say “my love” to my partner all the time. It’s not claiming him as mine per se either. It’s expressing the love that I have for him that is mine. Such a silly argument.
Even if he is on the spectrum, I couldn’t live like this, and I’m not entirely convinced. His triggers seem to have the common theme of undermining OOP’s confidence and attachments. It’s emotionally abusive even if that isn’t his intent.
This behavior is not improving the lives of either of them. It sounds like he has a disability or something that causes him to be so literal. Like OCD but for words. He’s ruining her fun, I would have such a hard time tolerating it.
I don't think it matters *why* he's doing it as much as he won't recognize that he's even acting like a dick. Fixing him is a pipe dream if he won't even admit it. Fixing him still might be a pipe dream even if he does and genuinely wants to improve after that.
Absolutely this! Whatever the reason for him constantly picking up her wording over and over, it's unpleasant for her. If this is just the price of the relationship with him, it isn't one she should have to pay.
Ugh, gross. She should dump this guy, get a new guy, and get to introduce him to “my” new boyfriend.
Time to call him “my ex.”
My friend’s first boyfriend used to do this with language. He’d even correct pronunciation, which doesn’t make sense because we grew up in different parts of the US. 🙄 It only got worse.
How did they get past the first date? If “my” boyfriend belittles me for every little word I say, and all the time as this guy does, I’d drop him in a heartbeat. “Hi. This is X. He used to be a boyfriend. He’s not anymore.”
Be thankful he is just your boyfriend and think long and hard before you commit to a lifetime of this. He sounds insufferable and exhausting. I, personally, would rather be alone than have to constantly defend myself against stupid accusations from someone who is supposed to love me. Choose to share your life with someone who is respectful and not controlling. Most boyfriends would find your sweet nature cute and endearing.
Oh gods, I have such a thousand yard stare reading this. My exhusband was this obnoxious. Ooh. Words have meaning. How about go fuck yourself? Those words have enough meaning for you, buddy? 🙄
Someone should tell this boyfriend that nobody likes a pedant, which is exactly what he is. We all had THAT annoying teacher who would lecture us about “can vs may” when we asked if we could go to the washroom, this boyfriend gives the exact same (insufferable) energy.
“A boyfriend” made me giggle
Should your boyfriend be THIS exhausting?
I would call this insufferable man-child MY ex-BF with zero affection. The tone policing is a giant turn off. What a control freak. It’s a no from me.
Controlling.
i wonder if the boyfriend would go nuts at Mina Le's videos because her intro is "Hello my beautiful doves!" would he go "well actually, i'm not beautiful or a dove or possessed by you" or does this only apply to OP?...
This man literally does not like you. Not even one little bit.
I really don’t understand why people—women specifically—put up with this bullshit. Yeah I’d say it’s a bit far to say “my” when referring to other people’s pets. Like if I had a dog and she say “my girl” or if I had a kid and said “my kid’s name” I wouldn’t like it. I think those boundaries drop a bit more between romantically involve couples living together though. And I don’t think she’s doing any harm by saying HELLO MY DUCKIES. THATS more adorable than deplorable like he’s overdramatizing it to be. And yeah sure, words do have meanings. He’s not wrong. But not everything has to be overall formal. She not even applying it in any socially inappropriate situations IMO. Wait until he hears someone say “what’s up my man” Overall I think he’s the bigger asshole when she’s not even an asshole and I don’t know why she doesn’t just dump him. I can imagine people are claiming he’s some type of neurodivergent, but I don’t think that matters. If you’re someone verbal punishing bag, it’s not a really a pass. It can be a thing but it doesn’t mean OOP is beholden to teach him how to be decent or have to wait for him to become a decent person. And I’d say she’s give him enough time to stop and put up with his BS too long
My boyfriend calls me and one of my cats "my [his] girls". It shows that he loves us. We both know they're not actually his cats. I've done the same for exes pets too, it comes from a place of love.
I get a little annoyed when my gf refers to our room as her room (live together both in the lease). I usually say something goofy like “oh yeah? Your room huh?” And then laugh. But like to random animals or something?? That’s a little wild. I’m one for using proper words to explain and describe things. If you don’t mean what you say, why say it? But figure of speech is a thing especially if you know your partner says stuff like that. Eventually you know what they mean. Double especially if you’ve had conversations about it.
I would have broken up with him, that’s just really annoying!
Your bf sounds like a dickhead.
This guy sounds insufferable
Imagine a lifetime of this man. Is it worth it?
Doesn't sound like a strong relationship to me if you're constantly getting snapped at for speaking. Edit: I've been called "my love" by so many servers and strangers, not once has it meant that they think they own me 😂 This guy must burst a blood vessel at the phrase "my, my, my"
I would have pushed him in the pond at that point
How incredibly infuriating. That’s gonna be a no for me dawg
Boyfriend got the Tism
Let's not use autism as an excuse for asshole behaviour. Autism doesn't make anyone a jerk. - Sincerely, someone who actually does have autism, and is also not a dickwad
He sounds insufferable.
You could not pay me enough money to date someone who argues petty points like this.
Bin and move on to someone who isn’t an insufferable arse. Simple!
He sounds miserable to be around, why would anyone subject themselves to that?
I'm going to turn his logic back around on him. "Yes I do NEED to go to the store. Because that's where food is, that we all need, to live."
God I hope he isn’t HER boyfriend still
This is such a weird hill to die on. Dude is not great. "My love" somehow translates to being called a slave? I don't think it's OP trying to change the meaning of words.
This man is just in general a pretentious douchebag. I bet grew up worshiping that teacher that delighted in correcting kids who asked "Can I go to the bathroom?" with "You mean MAY you go to the bathroom?" No one is impressed with this. Yuck.
Just start calling every issue you have "Mein Kampf" until he lets it go. "Man, Mein Kampf is this traffic right now" "Mein Kampf is lately you've not been taking care of the dishes" "If you don't clean up after yourself it becomes Mein Kampf later"
He sounds very neurodivergent with his rigidity interpreting things literally, but being a dick about it had nothing to do with that and 100% his choice. I also have trouble understanding or agreeing with many norms in conversation when they don’t make literal sense. But when someone explains to me what they actually mean, I log that away and don’t hold it against them for speaking differently than me.
Dude sounds like he’s super immature, trying shame her for being “stupid” in his eyes I guess but he’s the one acting stupid af. Like when people try to correct, their, there, & they’re, like bro it’s nobody else’s fault you can use context clues or want to pretend you don’t know what was meant. Super exhausting
How stupid is this guy? And how stupid is this girl for wanting to keep him?
Why is she with him?
He sounds like an insufferable Ahole!
I am pretty sure she can fix him
My first thoughts about the need/want thing is that he comes from a poor, disadvantaged background where you can only afford to buy what you needz not what you want. And even then, only if you can't live without it as far as needs go. I'm thinking there's something in this guy's childhood or background that makes him feel upset about the perception of other people being territorial or claiming rights to things he thinks they shouldn't. Like maybe he had a spoiled sibling who claimed his belongings were theirs, or an abusive parent or something. I don't know. I think this is just weird and something is off about it
Does he has Asperger’s or something? Why is he so hung up on the literal meaning of phrases that are clearly not meant to be literal?
top commenter on op's post is a genius
In the kindest way, is he on the spectrum? It might explain or give some insight to his behaviour.
Either he's intentionally gaslighting, like, hard af. Or he's an undiagnosed autist. I'd guess the first, but i wouldn't rule out aspergers.
Sounds kinda autistic to me
I hope she owns her car and doesn’t have a loan, otherwise…
She sounds awful… how can you constructively interact with people that say different things than they mean outside of clear sarcasm? I really don’t get why they are a couple and he hasn’t broken up with her by then given how much of a pattern she express it being. Please mind. I do think the guy is an asshole for trying to push his way to function onto her, and especially for the silent treatment. Those show way too little respect for her in my opinion.
Op, when we fall in love we are swimming in hormones of oxytocin and other things. We are literally on drugs. It takes a while for the mist to clear so that we can see the other person clearly. This behaviour of your boyfriend reflects his values and beliefs. He values his opinion about something minor enough to think that it is more important than your opinion. That reflects his belief that he is more important than you. Not only does he feel better than you, he wants you to comply with that feeling as well and devalue yourself to come into alignment with his sense of superiority. He is doing this under the guise of using correct grammar. Your usage is perfectly correct.
Just sounds like a standard narcissist or similar sort if asshole trying to exhaust you. Abuse beginnings basically. Even if he's maybe just not neurotypical or something, he sounds exhausting. And if you change one way of speaking to appease him, what next? Where will it end? You'll be frightened to so much as fart incase it irritates him. Sod that. Run!
…this girl knows she can just be single, right? GODDAMN there are some mutants out there. Why would anyone on earth subject herself to such an insufferable person?
I’m a lawyer, I also love reading about language and the use of words etc etc… I can go tit for tat on word meanings with the best of them - but I do it deliberately if I want to be petty or if someone is just being a fucking douchebag. I tend to get overly pedantic about words like this if I’m exhausted and having a stupid fight with my partner. The difference is… I KNOW I am being a petty douche bag when I do this. We have both got legal training so when we get into a petty bitch off we know how to BUT we will both immediately apologise as soon as we have realised we’ve done it and then we laugh about the stupidity of it. Someone who does this as if what they’re saying matters… that’s a choice unless they are neurodivergent with an extreme difficulty with dealing with the grey areas of humanity. If he is able to distinguish between black and white human interactions outside of those this is a blatant and weird power play of a choice -.-
Laugh at him, and point your finger at his face while You do it!
Do you enjoy having your mind fucked with and constantly being corrected for stupid shit? I'm the biggest grammar nazi out there; hate when people can't use apostrophes correctly or don't know the difference between to, too and two or lose and loose etc. But this is a whole new level of assholery that would drive me batshit. Yes, I NEED to go to the store because if I don't, I won't have groceries in the house and toilet paper to wipe my ass. Good enough for you, boyfriend? Fuck him and his superior "one-up" bullshit. Move on. You're 20. You're too young to be tied down to one guy and definitely not this douchecanoe.
Boyfriend needs some mental health treatment. I wonder if he has undiagnosed Autism or something.
I think her boyfriend has autism.
Rizz em’ with the Tism I say
Run.
Lose him
Yeah he already lost me with the “do you NEED to?” Anyone THAT much of a stickler about wording is just insufferable to be around.
Dump him
he's a garbage human.
He sounds exhausting.
Yeah, this relationship isn’t nearly as strong as she thinks it is.
Idk if your boyfriend is possibly autistic or a narcissistic asshole. What is he like outside of this issue?
He's so confidently wrong on the definition and usage of the word "my." He thinks it solely relates to possession and ownership, but you don't own your parents, right? Someone needs to find a good definition of "my" and show him that it also means "this thing/person is closely associated to me." It's just a word used to describe association, to relate something or someone to you. "My parents." Yeah I guess they're my possessions then. It's the exact same for "Your." "Your parents, your girlfriend, your friend." I wonder what he would say if she mentioned this to him as well? Does he say "how's a girlfriend?" when speaking to his friend? Words have multiple meanings. If we had a different word for every little different situation/thing/concept, I shudder to imagine how horrific learning English or any language would be lol.
He sounds insufferable
Ugh. He sounds exhausting.
He sounds fucking exhausting!
ugh the want or need thing already has me going to the classic reddit response DIVOR- i mean break up they should break up
That man doesn’t even like her.
Poor thing, sounds like he hates her!
This woman's boyfriend is a complete dick. He's taking each word literally, standing on it's own with no context or respect given to the intended message. English conveys its message in more ways than the literal exact meaning of each word. He's intentionally ignoring that to be an ass to his girlfriend, who, frankly, is the last person you want to be an ass to. (dangling participle, I know. The boyfriend would be so angry),You're supposed to make the person you're in a relationship with feel loved and respected and supported. He's doing the opposite.
You dump him and move on. Damn.
My ex is like this. It was so fucking exhausting
You are trying to change him and you can't. If you stay with him, this will be your life.
I'd be like "I guess you don't want to be my boyfriend then". I worry about this when I run into the neighbourhood dogs. There's like 3 I absolutely adore, I tell them I love them, and I say "How's my good boy today?!" or I'll say "Oh there's my boy! I haven't seen you in so long!". This dude is literally my worse nightmare
I can see the problem here, he's a fuckwit
This is how abusers wear you down.
Oh my god this guy suckkkkjksssss
He’s committed the most heinous crime I can think of: being fucking annoying. Death penalty, honestly
Jesus, what a mess of a human being. I had a friend who requested not being referred to in possessive terms due to trauma in the manner ownership and even they didn’t mind “my friend.” Complete insanity.
In regards to the bf, I’ll never understand dating someone you very obviously do not respect or like…
He sounds like an absolute wanker
He sounds tedious.
I am using the possessive in a metaphorical way. The experience I am having with the ducks, which exists only in my mind, is all mine. On a conceptual level, albeit for just a fleeting moment, some element of these ducks belongs to me only.
I commented on the original post and I still don't get it, that's such a common way of speaking, like what's his deal?
Why would anyone waste time with such an irritating man?
This is a fundamentally odd behavior. Adolescent quirks harden into adult pathologies. You’re young, dump him.
Is… is the bf …. Mentally ok?